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    Men Are Sluts: For the man that wants to know how and the woman the wants to know why
    Men Are Sluts: For the man that wants to know how and the woman the wants to know why
    Men Are Sluts: For the man that wants to know how and the woman the wants to know why
    Ebook167 pages51 minutes

    Men Are Sluts: For the man that wants to know how and the woman the wants to know why

    By Steven Kent McFarlin

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    About this ebook

    Men Are Sluts
    by Spanky (Award-Winning Stand-Up Comic)

    Ch. 1 - In Men's Diaries “Pork” Is A Verb
    This section is about the overactive male libido.
    I’m not sure what a woman wants in a man, but I know what a man wants in a woman...his penis.

    Ch. 2 – Men Are Sluts, But Don’t Just Take My Word For It
    This section is a collection of quotes confirming that men are, indeed, sluts.

    Ch. 3 - Confessions of a Cad
    This section contains tips, both honorable and otherwise, to aid a man in his quest for sexual seduction.
    I’ve been fortunate enough to discover some very basic guidelines to romancing a woman’s socks off (among other things).

    Ch. 4 - The Language Of Lust
    This section contains the best “pick-up lines.”
    I’ve assembled a collection of 60 great opening lines, from nice to naughty; and if they don’t work, I’ve included 10 great closing lines.

    Ch. 5 – You Talking To Me?
    This section instructs men on how to talk to women, or rather, how to listen.
    They say talk is cheap, I think it’s because the supply is greater than the demand. The art of listening does not come easy for a man, but it is one that must be mastered, because generally speaking, women are generally speaking.

    Ch. 6 - The World Revolves Around Horizontal Refreshments
    This section is an international study of the business of sex.
    I read a survey that reports women like to look at men’s butts. I’m not surprised, that’s where we keep our wallets. Men want sex; women want... compensation.

    Ch. 7 - Porn To Be Wild
    This section details firsthand observations of the making of a porn movie.

    Ch. 8 - Get Some Self
    This section is about masturbation.
    I think if God didn’t want us to masturbate our genitals would have been placed in the middle of our backs, instead of conveniently at the end of our arms. In fact, I think God wants us to have lots of orgasms; because He likes it when we scream His name.

    Ch. 9 - Airgasm, A Love Poem
    This section lists 100 rhyming terms for masturbation.

    Ch. 10 - In Defense Of Hard Living, Wee Hours,
    And The Unleashed Forces Of Cracked Grain
    This section is about excessive alcohol consumption.
    I’ve developed my own system to determine how much I drank the night before by how attractive the woman I wake up with is; if she is really ugly, I know I got really drunk. But if she is really attractive, I know she got really drunk.

    Ch. 11 - Chicken Soup For The Divorcee’s Soul
    This section is about marriage and divorce.
    I was married, but it wasn’t serious. People say I married that woman because her Uncle left her a lot of money. That’s not true! I would have married her no matter who left her that money.

    Ch. 12 - My Anaconda Don't Want None
    This section is about overweight women.
    I envy the men that are attracted to girls with “junk in the trunk.” Because having a preference for fat girls is like having a preference for the black jelly beans–if you like them you can pretty much have as many as you want–and if your friends find out, they will probably give you theirs.

    Ch. 13 - Man's Breast Friend
    This section is about mammary glands, both natural and store-bought.
    Women long ago figured out that men are born with an instinct that drives them to look at breasts with the same intensity that a jeweler looks at diamonds, except most men don't seem to care if they are zirconium.

    Ch. 14 - Days Worth Remembering
    This section is a calendar listing of naughty events.
    169 days of slut significance, from Casanova’s birthday, to the date Florida legalizes oral sex, to the day the trademark was issued for first Birth Control Pill.

    ABOUT THE AUTHOR
    Spanky is an award-winning comedian, author, magazine columnist, recording artist, television writer & producer. He has performed in all 50 states and 23 countries, been voted “Comedian Of The Year” and “Campus Performer Of The

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSteven Kent McFarlin
    Release dateApr 9, 2013
    ISBN9781301285518
    Men Are Sluts: For the man that wants to know how and the woman the wants to know why
    Author

    Steven Kent McFarlin

    Steven Kent McFarlin (AKA “Spanky”) is an award-winning performer, published author, magazine columnist, recording artist, and television writer & producer. He has performed in all 50 states and 23 countries, twice voted “Comedian Of The Year,” once “Campus Performer Of The Year,” and winner of a “Cable Ace Award.” He has over 50 TV appearances, including: THE LATE SHOW, SHOWTIME, GOOD MORNING AMERICA, as well as popular dramas such as ER and PROFILER. McFarlin’s comedy writing experience involves everything from Joan Rivers stage act, to VH-1’s Rotten TV (featuring Johnny Rotten), to a monthly magazine column for Campus Activities Today (distributed to 4,000 colleges nationwide). As a television writer & producer, he has developed comedy for Spike-TV, World Theatre, and Infinity Broadcasting. He also created humorous advertising for Gillette, Mini Cooper, Lone Star Beer, National Football League, Burger King, and others.

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      Book preview

      Men Are Sluts - Steven Kent McFarlin

      Men Are Sluts

      By Spanky

      For the man that wants to know how;

      The woman that wants to know why…

      A McSlut Book

      From SM Publishing

      Copyright 2013 Steven Kent McFarlin

      Published on Smashwords

      Formatted by eBooksMade4You

      * * *

      First Edition Copyright 1994 by Spanky & SM Publishing

      Second Edition Copyright 2007 by Spanky & SM Publishing

      International Standard Book Number: 1-884973-11-6

      Smashwords Edition

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without express permission in writing from the Publisher.

      Inquiries should be addressed to: SM Publishing

      116 West 73rd Street, Suite A, New York, NY 10023

      www.menaresluts.com or www.myspace.com/menaresluts

      * * *

      Thanks So Much:

      A very special thanks to the unnamed thousands that have paid a cover charge to see my show, who laughed in all the right places, and didn’t throw anything in my direction…

      To the dozens of talent coordinators and club bookers who gave me a chance to make people laugh…

      And to the handful of jerks who gave me motivation through unfair rejection and harsh discouragement.

      Quote Disclaimer:

      The quotes presented in this book were collected from books, magazines, newspapers, television and radio over many years. Since only a few of the quotations were spoken directly to me in person, the remaining quotes are, in effect, hearsay. I make no claims these quotes are accurate. I extend my sincerest apologies to anyone that has been misquoted; please accept it was not intentional, and no harm intended.

      * * *

      MEN ARE SLUTS

      CONTENTS

      1. In Men's Diaries Pork Is A Verb

      2. Men Are Sluts, But Don't Just Take My Word For It

      3. Confessions of a Cad

      4. The Language Of Lust

      5. You Talking To Me?

      6. The World Revolves Around Horizontal Refreshments

      7. Porn To Be Wild

      8. Get Some Self

      9. Airgasm, A Love Poem

      10. In Defense Of Hard Living, Wee Hours, And The Unleashed Forces Of Cracked Grain

      11. Chicken Soup For The Divorcee’s Soul

      12. My Anaconda Don't Want None

      13. Man's Breast Friend

      14. Days Worth Remembering

      About The Author

      * * *

      Amo Ut Invenio

      A Latin Phrase For

      I Love As I Find

      J’aime Qui M’aime

      A French Phrase For

      I Love Whoever Loves Me

      I Love You For Your Mind

      An English Phrase For

      I Want To Screw Your Brains Out

      * * *

      In Men's Diaries Pork Is A Verb.

      Humans are governed by very basic drives, one of which is the primal desire to mate. Housed within the male body are not one, but two sperm and testosterone factories, working twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year. Fact: biologically, a man can have an orgasm every half-hour; that is what the system is set up for. Surveys report over 13% of men would like to have sex more than once a day! Quite simply, males are creatures that can be aroused by reading about the hole in the ozone.

      In primitive times, perhaps this was not a problem, but in this modern era acting on biological urges is not politically correct or socially acceptable. Today it is the female who ultimately makes the final decision if sex will occur; a man is limited to only making himself available. Is it any wonder modern man is such a complex and totally confused creature?

      - Economically superior, yet sexually inferior.

      - Socially expected to be monogamous, yet biologically driven elsewhere.

      - Technologically advanced, yet unable to fully comprehend why Hugh Hefner ever got married.

      Note: only 5% of the human body differs between male and female, a surprising fact when you consider the vast differences in moral expectations. I believe men and women are aroused by very different stimuli. That's why we have both the Playboy Channel and the Home Shopping Network. Men want centerfolds and lingerie models, or woman as sex object. Women want rock stars and CEOs, or man as success object. Women will date men they would never sleep with, and men will sleep with women they would never date (James Bond will sleep with a woman he knows is trying to kill him). Neither gender is right or wrong, just different.

      You ask a woman her favorite sexual experience: it is usually a warm, loving, and tender story. What's a man's favorite sexual experience? His next one. Men don’t get enough sex because women don’t get enough love, and women don’t get enough love because men don’t get enough sex.

      Men are governed by an uncontrollable instinct to turn strangers into lovers. We simply suffer from testosterone poisoning. I think there are just two types of men; men that want to have sex all the time, and men that are... dead. Why can't this be easier to accept? Society has made it appear unnatural to not be totally fulfilled by a monogamous relationship. It's considered immoral to admit you might enjoy sex without commitment. But it can be argued it is, indeed, very natural. After all, only 5% of mammals mate for life.

      I'm not sure what a woman wants in a man, but I know what a man wants in a woman... his penis.

      * * *

      Men Are Sluts,

      But Don't Just Take My Word For It...

      There is no greater pleasure than that of bodily love.

      Plato

      Love is a babe.

      William Shakespeare

      "The evil that afflicts us is not external, it is within us,

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