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    Crappy Children's Art
    Crappy Children's Art
    Crappy Children's Art
    Ebook475 pages1 hour

    Crappy Children's Art

    By Maddox

    2.5/5

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    From the New York Times bestselling author of The Alphabet of Manliness, the creator of “The Best Page in the Universe,” and overall genius, comes an outrageous, laugh-out-loud critique of children’s artwork that finally cuts those little smug know-it-alls down to size.

    Previously published as I Am Better Than Your Kids.

    If you think children are precious little snowflakes who are perfect in every way, think again. If you cherish every piece of art, every book report, every letter to Santa your child gives you, then this book is not for you. If your refrigerator is adorned with mementos from your kid’s childhood, then you are a sucker.

    Maddox, who has been writing hilarious essays for his popular site, TheBestPageInTheUniverse.com since 1996, can spell, do math, and run faster than your kids—and, he is here to show you just how inferior your kids are. Marvel as Maddox deconstructs an eight-year-old’s crayon-drawn family portrait! Laugh uproariously as he judges sub-par Valentines, homemade “gifts,” and other areas of elementary-aged underperformance!

    Why reward weakness and mediocrity with gold stars? You are in Maddox’s world now, and no child is safe from the scrutiny and critical gaze of the world’s foremost authority on children’s crappy artwork.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherGallery Books
    Release dateNov 20, 2012
    ISBN9781476713540
    Crappy Children's Art
    Author

    Maddox

    Maddox has been writing hilarious essays for his website, TheBestPageIntheUniverse.com, since 1997. Through word-of-mouth alone, it has become one of the most popular personal sites on the Internet. In 2006, he published his first book, The Alphabet of Manliness, a New York Times bestseller, followed by Crappy Children's Artwork based on his wildly popular article that has been viewed more than 20 million times. Maddox has also published a comic book based on his site, and he has a YouTube channel called “The Best Show in the Universe,” featuring clips viewed by more than 40 million fans.

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    Reviews for Crappy Children's Art

    2.5/5

    24 ratings9 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

    • 5/5
      Oh for goodness sake - it's not serious!! Didn't expect this to make me laugh so much actually - it's one of those books that creeps up on you. I started flicking through the book half heartedly and then found myself chuckling and outright snorting at some of the pages - give it a go, don't let the humourless judgey people put you off this little gem.
    • 5/5
      I don't get what the hate for this book is about... Those who gave this one star are clearly retards or woke or gay. Enjoy this book for the fun it actually is!
    • 1/5
      Horrendous drivel. Not in anyway even mildly amusing. Only a deeply unhappy troubled person could produce this 'writing'. Mean to the core.
    • 1/5
      I HATE THIS BOOK (I'M GOING TO GIVE IT A ZERO, BUT THERE IS NOT THAT OPTION, SO I CANNOT.)
      I went into the book thinking it will be a fun read, but no, it makes me feel so ANGRY.
      I agreed with the writer in the introduction, though skeptical, but still, it makes sense, it's of little use giving children unnecessary compliment, but that doesn't mean that the writer can make up excuses to depreciate children's work, while, at the same time, bragging about his own work (which I don't think they are particularly stunning).
      For example, in the first chapter, which is about 'dream cars', when a child put the bathrooms, bedrooms, living rooms and garden within her car, the writer argues about 'the space' that the car occupies and 'the energy consumption'; while himself drew a monstrous car in the end of the chapter and gave himself an A. I really doubt that latter's practicality, and 'energy consumption', but there's OK, because it is a 'DREAM car'. If the writer doesn't buys into children's imagination and creativity, maybe he should reevaluate the topic he gave.
      And the other thing that I HATE is that I lose count of how many foul languages in this book and how many 'stupid' in his comment. These are destructive comments and I don't think any teachers will agree with them, though it is stated in the introduction that many teachers have the same feeling as the writer (i dare them to read those comments to their students).

      BUT MAYBE i get these all wrong, this supposed to be just FUN. I hope the writer didn't feel his comments, I hope he wrote them just for the sake of some adult can laugh it off. Because if not, the writer is super childish.

      1 person found this helpful

    • 1/5
      Asshole is the only thing that comes to mind. This guy obviously doesn't have kids and never should. What a bully! This guy should get a life. Do not waste your time on this attention seeking loser. Where can I label this offensive and inappropriate?! I flipped through a few pages and was enough to make me furious!

      Zero stars

      1 person found this helpful

    • 1/5
      This shouldn't exist.
      I feel like I shouldn't even have to explain why. I love humor and a little snark. But this actually just isn't funny. It's just negative.
    • 1/5
      What the heck...
      How WAS THIS HUMOROUS!?!??? I'm good at drawing, but when I see other kids art, I don't call them out for having BAD art, because in some perspectives, I'm "bad" at drawing. I also LOVE how he's critiquing small children's art. In some spaces, some of the kids were very talented, and he's just tearing them down, making them feel less. HOW DID SCRIBE PICK THIS AND NOT THINK THIS WAS OFFENSIVE?!??!?! Here is my ultimatum;I swear if I see another book like this again... I'M DELETING THIS APP, AND I'M PUTTING A BAD REVIEW FOR SCRIBD AS WELL!!!
    • 1/5
      The author is a turd who hates children. Not funny, not clever. F-

      1 person found this helpful

    • 1/5
      Crappy Children's Art is grammatically incorrect. it means that the children are crappy. The title should be Children's Crappy Art - to make such an error in the title is disgusting!

    Book preview

    Crappy Children's Art - Maddox

    Gallery Books

    A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

    1230 Avenue of the Americas

    New York, NY 10020

    www.SimonandSchuster.com

    Copyright © 2011 by George Ouzounian

    All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address, Gallery Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

    First Gallery Books trade paperback edition October 2012

    GALLERY BOOKS and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

    The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.

    Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

    ISBN 978-1-4391-8288-8 (print)

    ISBN 978-1-4391-8287-1 (ebook)

    To the only person I know who’s had two books dedicated to him: Me.

    Contents

    Introduction

    Chapter 1: Special Cars from Special Kids

    Chapter 2: Unintentional Hitler

    Chapter 3: What Would Your Superpower Be?

    Chapter 4: Developmentally Challenged Developments

    Chapter 5: Bowls to Throw Up In

    Chapter 6: Alien Drawings

    Chapter 7: Animals or ROBOTS?

    Chapter 8: Animals Fucking

    Chapter 9: Your Favorite Holiday

    Chapter 10: Drawing Your Family

    Chapter 11: Jokes

    Chapter 12: Shitty Inventions

    Chapter 13: Cool Tree

    Chapter 14: Nice Boner!

    Chapter 15: Who’s Your Hero?

    Chapter 16: I Have a Dream . . . That Only Ten People Should Die This Year

    Chapter 17: Drawings of Teachers and Parents

    Chapter 18: Things That Scare You

    Chapter 19: Dear Teacher, I’m Sorry You Wasted Your Time

    Chapter 20: Pictures of Kids

    Chapter 21: Batman: The Raped Crusader

    Chapter 22: Ages 1–6: The Formative Years

    Chapter 23: Ages 7–14: The Aftermath

    Chapter 24: What You Want to Be When You Grow Up

    Chapter 25: Creepy Clowns

    Chapter 26: Your Dream Pet

    Chapter 27: Not Picasso

    Chapter 28: Your Roller Coaster Sucks the LD!

    Chapter 29: Queer for a Day

    Chapter 30: The Biggest Problem in the World Today

    Chapter 31: The Most Beautiful Person or Thing in the World

    Chapter 32: My Favorite Mouth

    Chapter 33: Books by Kids, for Shredders

    Chapter 34: Dear Pen Pal, My Sister Is a Cat

    Chapter 35: Sexism, Drugs, AIDS and Crib Death

    Chapter 36: Celebrities

    Chapter 37: Jerkbook

    Chapter 38: Unintentional Bukkake

    Chapter 39: Child Prodigies or COCKSURE IDIOTS?

    Chapter 40: Hi, I’m Painted with Crap

    Chapter 41: Draw Your Favorite Food

    Chapter 42: Young Maddox

    Chapter 43: Cooking With Minors

    Acknowledgments

    About Maddox

    Introduction

    "These are the drawings of little 6—8 year olds! Of course they can’t draw better than you, they’re kids! What’s your fucking problem?"

    —Anonymous hater

    Several years ago, I was waiting in a coworker’s cubicle when I noticed the drawings she had on display, and I told her they sucked. She gasped and said, They were made by my four-year-old nephew! So I elaborated, Well, your nephew sucks at drawing. I decided then that kids had gotten a free pass for far too long. So on my website, I proceeded to grade a handful of children’s art, along with some pointed, but fair, criticism.

    The response was overwhelming.

    By the end of the month, more than 6 million people had read it, and tens of millions more have read it since. Ever wonder where all those emails that your friends forward to you come from? I happen to know, because I am one of the unsung geniuses whose work becomes the bastard child of Gmail accounts across the web. The email forward in which I graded crappy children’s artwork, titled I am better than your kids, went viral in 2002 and was the first introduction most people had to my writing. It circulated to the point where some of my friends unknowingly forwarded it to me, asking why I couldn’t write anything that brilliant. I also received thousands of emails per day from supportive grade school teachers, who said I’d given them voice, as well as from a few U.S. Department of Defense officials, who probably should have been doing something better with their time. The article had become a phenomenon.

    Then came the backlash.

    I got hundreds of thousands of emails, some of which criticized me for grading the children harshly. I was accused of ageism—someone who discriminates based on age. The most common criticism I received was, How dare you criticize kids? They’re children! Of course they can’t draw as well as you can, asshole!

    The irony is that, I’m actually not being ageist. By using the same standard to judge a child’s art as I would an adult’s, I’m treating them with equality. If a kid wants to impress me, he has to draw something awesome, just like an adult would. Kids don’t get a free pass just for being kids. In fact, the only way to treat kids fairly is to expect the same standards of excellence as you would anyone else.

    Good Job

    The two most dangerous words in the English language are: good job. It’s a quick little lie that parents tell their kids to encourage them to keep trying. Parents are afraid that if they tell their kids the truth, they’ll get discouraged and stop drawing. So what? More kids need to be discouraged. Since when is every kid supposed to be able to draw? Think about your own life for a moment. Of all the people you know, how many of them are artists, professionally? How many of them do something even tangentially related to art? For most people, that number is zero. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, fine artists (including painters, sculptors, and illustrators) held about 23,600 jobs in 2008. With the U.S. Census Bureau estimating 307 million people in the US in 2009, only .008% are artists. You probably don’t know any artists. Statistically speaking, nobody does.

    Somewhere between the time parents first gush undue praise and college, the law of diminishing returns kicks in. At a certain point, no amount of encouragement will make someone any better at art. That’s when something wonderful happens to these kids: they realize that they suck. Just as no amount of encouragement alone can make someone an airline pilot, mechanical engineer, or heart surgeon, kids come to realize they’re not actually artists.

    So why art? Why is this the one discipline that parents feel necessary to push upon their kids? Why not mechanical engineering? Why do you never see parents handing a kid some graph paper, a calculator, and a copy of Newton’s Principia? Oh, I know! Because encouraging kids to keep trying something they suck at—or

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