Crazy English

CRAZY ENGLISH

THE ULTIMATE JOY RIDE THROUGH OUR LANGUAGE

Richard Lederer

Brigid Pearson

Stanley S. Drate

Folio Graphics Co. Inc.

POCKET BOOKS, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc. 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020

DON’T MISS THE ENTERTAINING ANTICS OF

BESTSELLING AUTHOR RICHARD LEDERER

FRACTURED ENGLISH

THE WRITE WAY

A Guide to Real-Life Writing

ADVENTURES

OF A VERBIVORE

THE MIRACLE

OF LANGUAGE

THE PLAY OF WORDS

Fun & Games for Language Lovers

Available from Pocket Books

PRAISE FOR

CRAZY ENGLISH

and Richard Lederer’s

Other Rollicking Books

"CRAZY ENGLISH is a gem."

—San Francisco Chronicle

Lederer beguiles and bedazzles.

—Los Angeles Times

"CRAZY ENGLISH is great fun."

—Pittsburgh Press

Hot dog! In a nutshell, Lederer is pleasing as punch.

—Indianapolis Star

"For sheer fun, you couldn’t find a nicer gift than CRAZY ENGLISH by Richard Lederer."

—James J. Kilpatrick

Holy cow! English has never been better.

—Minneapolis Star Tribune

"CRAZY ENGLISH? Crazy like a fox, this man Lederer. Ours is a language that reveals its secrets in winks, allusions, sighs, and giggles. Richard Lederer, being a genius, has taken the giggle road. Don’t be bothered that you will laugh from the first page of the book to the last—at the end you will be better equipped to convey exactly what you mean, however serious the subject may be."

—Willard Espy

A joyride…. Lederer celebrates the semantic antics of our language.

—Boston Herald

THE WRITE WAY

An entertaining, clearly written, concise guide to writing…. Ideal for anyone who wants to be a better writer.

—The Times Record (Brunswick, ME)

This commonsense approach to good writing belongs on every library shelf…. Anyone familiar with Lederer’s previous books on the use and abuse of the English language will not be surprised by the abundance of humor used on these pages to lighten what might otherwise be a very dreary topic.

—Kliatt

ADVENTURES OF A VERBIVORE

"Adventures of a Verbivore should be required reading for all students of English 101, and language lovers in general."

—Barbara Samson Mills, Baltimore Sun

Lederer leads us on joyous forays…. He knows how to entertain while educating and is dedicated to the fascinating history of the words we use to communicate—and to the recording of our unintentional and often very funny misspeaks and miswrites.

—Judyth Rigler, San Antonio Express News

"[Adventures of a Verbivore is] for anyone who savors language, enjoys puzzles and word games, is frustrated with learning vocabulary and grammar—or is in danger of forgetting the joy or just the simple fun of language."

—Kirkus Reviews

THE MIRACLE OF LANGUAGE

Richard Lederer has done it again—another delightful, witty, and hugely absorbing celebration of the English language. Is there no stopping the man?

—Bill Bryson, author of Made in America

"Wise and engaging…. With The Miracle of Language, Lederer, America’s foremost wag of words, has also become a sage…. That is not to say Lederer has abandoned humor—far from it. Miracle is filled with many gems."

—The San Diego Union-Tribune

A veritable Cook’s Tour of the wonderful English language—from its major highways to its little-known but fascinating byways and back roads.

—Don Hauptman, author of Cruel and Unusual Plans

Entertaining and enlightening…. A delightful and edifying collection.

—Publishers Weekly

Books by Richard Lederer

Pun and Games

Nothing Risqué, Nothing Gained

Literary Trivia (with Michael Gilleland)

Adventures of a Verbivore

More Anguished English

The Miracle of Language

The Play of Words

Crazy English

Get Thee to a Punnery

Anguished English

Basic Verbal Skills (with Philip Burnham)

Fractured English

The Write Way

The Word Circus

For orders other than by individual consumers, Pocket Books grants a discount on the purchase of 10 or more copies of single titles for special markets or premium use. For further details, please write to the Vice President of Special Markets, Pocket Books, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, 9th Floor, New York, NY 10020-1586.

For information on how individual consumers can place orders, please write to Mail Order Department, Simon & Schuster Inc., 100 Front Street, Riverside, NJ 08075.

CRAZY

ENGLISH

THE ULTIMATE

JOY RIDE

THROUGH

OUR LANGUAGE

Richard Lederer

POCKET BOOKS

New York   London   Toronto   Sydney

Versions of many of the chapters in this book have appeared in Verbatim, Writing!, and Word Ways.

POCKET BOOKS, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc.

1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020

www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright © 1989, 1990, 1998 by Richard Lederer

Illustrations copyright © 1989 by Dick Anderson

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Pocket Books, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020

Originally published in hardcover in 1989 by Pocket Books

ISBN: 0-671-02323-3

eISBN-13: 978-1-439-13894-6

ISBN-13: 978-0-671-02323-2

First Pocket Books trade paperback printing June 1998

10  9  8  7

POCKET and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc.

Cover design by Brigid Pearson

Text design by Stanley S. Drate /Folio Graphics Co. Inc.

Printed in the U.S.A.

To my family, for always encouraging me

to build castles in the air;

To Pete and Robin, for putting

the foundations underneath;

To Stacy, for her lovely interior decorating.

Contents

1

THE STRANGE CASE OF THE

ENGLISH LANGUAGE

English Is a Crazy Language

Good Grief!

The Department of Redundancy Department 23

Confusable English

Sesquipedalian English

2

THE NAME IS THE GAME

What’s in a Name?

What’s Your Phobia?

The Secrets of Nym

Brand-New Eponyms

Putting Words in Their Places

Janus-Faced Words

A Hymn to Heteronyms

Retro-Active Words

3

FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING

A Visit to the Language Zoo

You Said a Mouthful

Violent English

4

UNMECHANICAL ENGLISH

Foxen in the Henhice

Tense Times with Verbs

Spellbound

5

THE SOUNDS OF ENGLISH

Sound and Sense

Beautiful English

Alliteration Strikes the Nation

Rhyme Time

6

ENGLISH AT PLAY

The Play of Words

Anagrammatical English

Doctor Rotcod’s Ailihphilia

7

THE LAST WORD ABOUT WORDS

The Antics of Semantics

1

THE STRANGE

CASE OF THE

ENGLISH

LANGUAGE

Like the fabled Jabberwock, words have jaws that bite and claws that catch.

—JAMES J. KILPATRICK

English Is a

Crazy Language

E nglish is the most widely spoken language in the history of our planet, used in some way by at least one out of every seven human beings around the globe. Half of the world’s books are written in English, and the majority of international telephone calls are made in English. Sixty percent of the world’s radio programs are beamed in English, and more than seventy percent of international mail is written and addressed in English. Eighty percent of all computer texts, including all web sites, are stored in English.

English has acquired the largest vocabulary of all the world’s languages, perhaps as many as two million words, and has generated one of the noblest bodies of literature in the annals of the human race. Nonetheless, it is now time to face the fact that English is a crazy language—the most loopy and wiggy of all tongues.

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

In what other language do people play at a recital and recite at a play?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why do we pack suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the private mess?

Why do we call it newsprint when it contains no printing but when we put print on it, we call it a newspaper?

Why does a man get a hernia and a woman a hys terectomy?

Why—in our crazy language—can your nose run and your feet smell?

Language is like the air we breathe. It’s invisible, inescapable, indispensable, and we take it for granted. But, when we take the time to step back and listen to the sounds that escape from the holes in people’s faces and to explore the paradoxes and vagaries of English, we find that hot dogs can be cold, darkrooms can be lit, homework can be done in school, nightmares can take place in broad daylight while morning sickness and daydreaming can take place at night, tomboys are girls and midwives can be men, hours—especially happy hours and rush hours—often last longer than sixty minutes, quicksand works very slowly, boxing rings are square, silverware and glasses can be made of plastic and tablecloths of paper, most telephones are dialed by being punched (or pushed?), and most bathrooms don’t have any baths in them. In fact, a dog can go to the bathroom under a tree—no bath, no room; it’s still going to the bathroom. And doesn’t it seem a little bizarre that we go to the bathroom in order to go to the bathroom?

Why is it that a woman can man a station but a man can’t woman one, that a man can father a movement but a woman can’t mother one, and that a king rules a kingdom but a queen doesn’t rule a queendom? How did all those Renaissance men reproduce when there don’t seem to have been any Renaissance women?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:

In what other language do they call the third hand on the clock the second hand?

Why do they call them apartments when they’re all together?

Why do we call them buildings, when they’re already built?

Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?

Why is phonetic not spelled phonetically? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic? Why doesn’t onomatopoeia sound like what it is? Why is the word abbreviation so long? Why is diminutive so undiminutive? Why does the word monosyllabic consist of five syllables? Why is there no synonym for synonym or thesaurus? And why is there an s in lisp?

English is crazy.

If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry? If olive oil is made from olives, what do they make baby oil from? If a