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    S*** My Kids Say
    S*** My Kids Say
    S*** My Kids Say
    Ebook155 pages1 hour

    S*** My Kids Say

    By Nick Harris

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    About this ebook

    Children have a unique way of looking at the world - they can be wonderfully innocent, or world-weary beyond their years. With entries such as 'Look, it's raining through that boy's trousers!', and 'Can we get something to eat? I'm vanished!', this book collects together the craziest and the funniest stuff that kids say in one hilarious volume - it's guaranteed to have you chuckling your socks off!
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMichael O'Mara
    Release dateNov 29, 2012
    ISBN9781843179818
    S*** My Kids Say

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      Book preview

      S*** My Kids Say - Nick Harris

      adults.

      POWERS OF LOGIC

      Constantly focused on a repetitive round of eating, playing and sleeping, kids would have you believe they’ve got little going on upstairs … think again.

      OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

      Kids regularly belie their tender years by coming out with inappropriate remarks that would make Ricky Gervais blush.

      I wish someone we knew would die so we could send lots of flowers.

      ALICE, SEVEN

      Dad, why are those men carrying that long box on their shoulders? What’s in the box? Is it their fishing rods?

      JARVIS, FIVE

      Why are they burying Uncle John deep in the ground? I thought you were supposed to go to heaven after you die, but it looks as if Uncle John’s going in the other direction!

      GERI, SIX

      All the folds of skin on the back of that man’s neck make it look like a pack of hot dogs.

      BILLY, FIVE

      Is that Mr Robertson’s nose or is he eating a banana?

      CHRISTOPHER, FIVE

      See that lady in the red dress? Gee, she’s big. I didn’t know you could get dresses that big!

      WAYLON, FIVE

      If your bra size is thirty-four, Mummy, that lady over there must be size 120. Her boobies are huge!

      ERIN, SIX

      My mummy’s fat because she’s having a baby. What’s your excuse?

      GINA, SEVEN

      That man has a patch over his eye. Does that mean he’s a pirate? If so, where’s his parrot?

      JAMES, FIVE

      Are you the lady from number thirty-four, the one Mummy says breeds like a rabbit?

      NATALIE, FIVE

      Are you going to go on Jerry Springer to find out who your baby’s father is?

      WILMA, SIX

      Are you the lady in our street who used to be a man?

      CLARISSA, FOUR

      I don’t understand how you can start off as a man and then become a lady. What happens to all your dangly man bits? And which toilet do you have to go in, or is there a special one for people who are half and half?

      MELANIE, SEVEN

      Mum says the lady next door is approaching sixty, but she doesn’t say from which direction.

      SIMON, EIGHT

      If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

      NATHAN, EIGHT

      I didn’t know ladies could have a moustache. Cool!

      JUSTIN, SIX

      Grandma, we’ve been waiting in line here forever behind that lady. It takes Daddy less time to poop and he’s in there long enough to play a world of Angry Birds!

      JANE, SIX

      Mummy, why are old people always so slow? Wouldn’t it be better if they just died?

      PHYLLIDA, FIVE

      When people get to fifty I think they should just be killed off to make room for all the new babies. It would stop the world getting too crowded. If I was God, that’s what I would do anyway. But I’d let you and Daddy live a bit longer – maybe to fifty-five – if you did me burgers for tea every Friday.

      CHARLIE, SIX

      STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSE’S MOUTH

      This party is as flat as a witch’s tit. I heard my dad say that once but I don’t know what it means exactly.

      GARRY, SIX

      Nathan and me are just going out to play. We’re going to hump some girls.

      ALEX, FIVE

      Ben and me are going round to Rob Henry’s house because Rob’s a really good laugh and people say his big sister’s a great shag … Mum, what’s a shag?

      DAVID, EIGHT

      We had a vote in class today to see who was the most popular girl. I gave Miranda Hartley five out of five. My friend Jamie gave her one.

      GARETH, SIX

      When me and Sarah went to the seaside in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boyfriend. It was fun.

      LAUREN, SEVEN

      Mum, look at that man’s funny nose. He looks like Bert from Sesame Street.

      SEAN, FOUR

      What’s that horrible smell? It smells like my brother’s butt in here!

      ANDRE, FIVE

      I was just about to eat a bogey and there was a hair in it. That’s so gross!

      BRITNEY, FIVE

      What do I want for tea? A bowl full of bogeys. They’re my favourite food.

      ROXIE, FOUR

      WISE BEYOND THEIR YEARS

      Kids may not know how to keep their room tidy or how to play with plasticine without getting chunks of it stuck in their hair, but they are capable of imparting words of wisdom worthy of any philosopher.

      If you can’t remember how old you are, Grandma, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.

      MELANIE, FIVE

      Are you sure that’s a pool of petrol in the driveway, Mum? I thought it was a dead rainbow.

      BECKY, SEVEN

      Climate lasts a long time, but the weather is only a few days.

      JUSTIN, SIX

      HOW TO HAVE AN EASIER LIFE

      Never laugh at your dad if he’s mad or screaming at you.

      ROGAN, TWELVE

      When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer him.

      BILLY, SEVEN

      When your mum is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

      SUSANNAH, EIGHT

      Never tell your mum her diet’s not working.

      MICHAEL, NINE

      No matter what you do, your mum can always tell when you’re lying.

      JAMIE, FOURTEEN

      Beauty is skin deep, but how rich you are can last a long time.

      CHRISTINE, SEVEN

      Oil pollution is dangerous. When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night, it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.

      EMILY, SIX

      You should always give someone a compliment, especially your teacher, even if it’s a lie and she is really the wicked witch.

      KYM, SEVEN

      Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.

      ANDREW, NINE

      The best time to do a fart is when you’re in the bath. The smell is so bad it makes your eyes water. It’s like the worst-ever stink bomb.

      IVAN, EIGHT

      When it gets dark it’s because God turned out

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