Burned
4/5
()
About this ebook
It all started with a dream. Just a typical fantasy, but for a girl raised in a religious—and abusive—family, a simple dream could be the first step toward eternal damnation. Now Pattyn Von Stratten has questions. Questions about God, and sex, and mostly love. Will she ever find it? Pattyn experiences the first stirrings of passion, but when her father catches her in a compromising position, events spiral out of control.
Pattyn is sent to live with an aunt in the wilds of rural Nevada to find salvation and redemption. What she finds instead is love and acceptance, and for the first time she feels worthy of both—until she realizes that her old demons will not let her go. Those demons lead Pattyn down a path to hell—not to the place she learned about in sacrament meetings, but to an existence every bit as horrifying.
In this gripping and masterful novel told in verse, Ellen Hopkins embarks on an emotional journey that ebbs and flows. From the highs of true love to the lows of loss and despair, Pattyn’s story is utterly compelling. You won’t want this story to end—but when it does, you can find out what’s next for Pattyn in the sequel, Smoke.
Ellen Hopkins
Ellen Hopkins is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of numerous young adult novels, as well as the adult novels such as Triangles, Collateral, and Love Lies Beneath. She lives with her family in Carson City, Nevada, where she has founded Ventana Sierra, a nonprofit youth housing and resource initiative. Follow her on Twitter at @EllenHopkinsLit.
Read more from Ellen Hopkins
Crank Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Perfect Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Glass Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Tricks Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Impulse Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Smoke Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Triangles: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Love Lies Beneath: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Life Inside My Mind: 31 Authors Share Their Personal Struggles Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5A Sin Such as This: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5People Kill People Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Collateral: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Behind the Song Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5
Related to Burned
Related ebooks
Fallout Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Bleed Like Me Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Your Voice Is All I Hear Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Smoke Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Traffick Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Tilt Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Identical Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Triangles: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Rumble Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Collateral: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The You I've Never Known Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5People Kill People Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Love Lies Beneath: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Sin Such as This: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Book of David Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Calling Maggie May Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Lucy in the Sky Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Breaking Bailey Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Dancing with Molly Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Leftovers Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Opiate Jane Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Such a Pretty Girl Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Freefall Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Jay's Journal Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Crazy Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Letting Ana Go Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Go Ask Alice Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Study Guide for Ellen Hopkins's "Crank" Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsTweaked Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Me Since You Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Reviews for Burned
692 ratings53 reviews
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5"Burned" is a novel about a young girl struggling to deal with her restrictive, Mormon religion and alcoholic, abusive father. Told in verse, this is a hard-hitting story with a shock ending. I like Pattyn as a protagonist and the way she questions God, women's rights and life in general. However, my favourite character is Pattyn's Aunt J who helps Pattyn to realise her own self-worth and opens her eyes to the options available to her beyond being a wife and mother. The romance between Pattyn and Ethan is touching, although a bit rushed. Unfortunately, there is no happy ending and it is heart-wrenching knowing that despite everything Pattyn has been through her future looks bleak. Hope there's a sequel.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This was such a difficult read for me. It was a book that I read in a sitting, that's how much I dove into the story, refusing to extract myself from it. I really enjoyed the format it was written in, and the rhythm it carried itself in was spectacular.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I just read this book last week, and it was one of the most elegantly yet truthfully written novel I've ever read. The use of poetic form in a novel is not something I'm used to, but I very quickly learned to love it; and I don't doubt for one second that Mrs. Hopkins choice of form had something to do with it.From the moment, I started reading I hardly put it down. The characters are so authentic and the circumstances so realistic that I could see myself and my friends as different characters throughout the novel. And the emotional connection I felt while reading it was so intense, and touched me so much that I burst into tears as I came to the end of the novel. When that happens, it is undeniable that this is a great novel!
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I thought this book really nailed the first love feeling...very powerful. I still don't understand the abuse...why didn't someone notice? why didn't someone report it? Great read, very sad.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Personal Response:I absolutely LOVED this book. It started out a little slow, but when the story got rolling it was AMAZING. This book also has a very shocking ending. Highly recommended.Classroom/Library Uses:This book could be considered a bit controversial, but I also think that it would be very appealing to high school students. I would like use this book to do a book discussion group with high schoolers in a school or public library setting.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Pattyn is a Mormon high school junior living in Nevada. Her life takes some twists and turns and she starts to question her parents and her religion. As a result she is sent to her aunt for the summer to be "fixed." She experiences a summer of learning and growth but now she has to go home with more questions than when she left. How will she face her strict Mormon family and community after a summer of freedom and exploration? Great read with a shocking plot twist at the end. Couldn't stop reading it!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This is my favorite Ellen Hopkins book by far, just the mystery of it was so good. I love Ellen's book because of the writing, but this was amazing. I couldn't put it down. I wish i could read more on it, but I'm kind of happy there inst a second. It leaves a little mystery left to this great book.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Once I got this book from the library, I was a tad intimidated when I saw that it had be at least 500 pages. Then I looked at the pages and realized this book was written in verse. I'd never read a novel written in verse before this. I've heard wonderful things about Ms. Hopkins books. It's way overdue for me to read them. I don't think there's much chance of me making my 100 book goal for the year, but I've come close. Immediately I felt for Pattyn. Her home life was horrible and she was reaching out for love. She's trying to find some kind of self-worth while being raised in a society where females are considered nothing more than property. If you're told you're worthless, how can you value yourself or feel as though you have a future worth hoping for? This book was lovely. I read it quickly and found myself absorbed in Pattyns story. It was tough to put down because I wanted to see where the story went. Wow, did it go somewhere too. It kept me turning the pages right up to the astounding conclusion. I'm giving this one 4 1/2 kisses and plan to read more of Ellen Hopkins.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Well written book that I couldn't put down, though ending wasn't satisfying. Writen in verse, it's about a girl dealing with her religion's conflicts with her sexuality. It's worth a read.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Raised in a religious family with firm beliefs as to the proper place of women, Pattyn Von Stratten knows she wants more out of life than to be a perpetually spewing womb. With an alcoholic, physically abusive father to cope with, she's learned how to be background, but it's increasingly difficult as her life seems more and more repressive. She acts out and as punishment is sent to Nevada to stay with an estranged aunt. In a story rife with amazing verbal imagery and emotional highs and lows, ultimately, Pattyn is left with no way out.Hopkins' characters tend to be young adults coping serius issues, and the outcomes are not usually "happy" in the fluffy-bunnies sense, but this one seems especially grim. Is Pattyn *SPOILER ALERT* sitting on an overpass with a gun, plotting the deaths of everyone whose actions culminated in her loss really the answer that should be suggested to young adults? Yes, it's dramatic; yes, it's realistic.... But it's not the only ending possible. Burned is incredibly powerful and fluidly told, but I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth when the final pages unfolded.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book was so good it got right down to it. The characters and everything is so real. I would wake up in the morning and just start reading it. It only took me about 2 hours to read beacuse I split up the time but I can say I am not a genius or anything but this book was amazing I can reccomend it to anyone.i wish Ellen Hopkins would come out with more books like these, these were well written poetry based on real life senarios.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5The critically acclaimed author of "Crank" returns with a gripping, masterful novel told in verse that weaves a riveting story about a teenage girl who is raised in a religious--yet abusive--family.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5written in journal format wonderful books
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5An incredible cliffhanger. Seventeen year old Pattyn struggles to find survive her abusive Mormon family and manages to still find fleeting happiness. Another characteristic Hopkins novel in verse.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5A Mormon extremist home and community, and a teen finally seeing a different way to life is the subject of Burned. Pattyn Van Stratten is questioning most everything she has been taught and the way she has been raised. Her abusive and alcoholic father catches Pattyn with a boy and sends her away for the summer to his sister's ranch. He expects her to find herself and salvation in wild west Nevada. Pattyn does find herself but salvation? She meets Ethan, her soul mate. She also experiences the love of a parent in Aunt J. At summers end all of this ends for Pattyn who returns home. What happens next will completely change her life and the lives of everyone in her family. On a . . . oops, almost told you. Go read it yourself.A cautionary tale of the restraints religion and home can put on a child, especially a teen. The entire story is written in poetry, making the book a fast read despite it's numerous pages. The poems are amazing. Some take on shapes and others have double meanings or can be read from side to side and from top to bottom both with the same meaning. Ms. Hopkin's work is fascinating and amazing. The subjects she tackles are dark, desperate, sad, and a commentary on society, usually the underbelly most people do not see or wish to ignore. Of all of her novels, this one may actually be the "lightest" in terms of subject.This is definitely NOT for anyone under 15.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Burned by Ellen Hopkins is a wonderful book that takes a look into a different type of lifestyle of a stalwart Mormon girl. It is a shocking story of the cruelity shown to women of this religious groups extremes and made me feel as if I was it the story. This book was truely a work of art with a shockingly sad ending that leaves the reader open-mouthed and empowered.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Hopkins, EllenBurned2013. 560 pp. $12.99 pb. Margaret K. McElderry Books. 1442494611. Grades 9 and up.Tags: poetry, young adult, fiction, abuse, alcoholism, violence, domestic abuse, free verse, teen pregnancy, romance, sex, religion, death, rage, survival, identityAs are her previous books, Hopkins’ Burned is written in eloquent yet powerful free verse poetry. The main character, Pattyn, lives as the oldest of eight sisters in a radically religious home with a subservient mother and abusive father. As she realizes that the rules of the church dictate that she, too, is to live the life of a submissive wife, Pattyn begins to question her religion and its strict rules. Pattyn soon experiences her first high school crush, which results in disappointment and rage. Consequently, Pattyn’s father sends her to live the summer with an estranged aunt on a ranch in Nevada. There Pattyn discovers love, tolerance, and acceptance. Unfortunately, Pattyn’s fairytale doesn’t last long, as much more heartache unfolds. Though beautifully and interestingly written, the story may leave many readers disappointed, as the ending deflates rapidly while the main character chooses to fight her torments with violence. On the other hand, the last chapter titled “Plans Made” provides enough suspense to encourage the reader to continue with the next book in the series. Though this book does contain mature themes, Hopkins skips the graphic descriptions and uses profanity sparingly. Young adult readers are certain to seek out this book along with Hopkins’ other novels.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Grade Levels: 10-12 Category: Realistic FictionRead Alouds: pp. 1-2 (Did You Ever); 31-41 (Brother Prior); 168-169 (banishment); 194-198 (Aunt J); 224-227 (the threat); 247-254 (Ethan); 257-266 (blast parties); 278-296 (true love); 303-316 (birthday); 351-354 (the cat); 421-430 (Jackie) 476-487 (the beating); 492-497 (the Kotex); 517-525 (death); 530-531 (the end)Summary: Pattyn Von Stratten has grown up in an abusive restrictive environment. She questions the religion that refuses to acknowledge that her mother suffers at the hands of her alcoholic father. When she rebels against the beliefs of her family and her church she is sent to live in rural Nevada with her aunt. There she finds the love of family through her aunt and romantic love. She comes back home to suffer beating from her father and plans an escape when she discovers she is pregnant. It all ends in tragedy. She loses her baby and the love of her life. Themes: Abuse and domestic violence drive this story. As Pattyn begins to question what is right and normal, she sees that her family is not normal. She rebels and resents her father (for drinking and beating his wife all the while playing the role of good Mormon husband), her mother (for not standing up to her father), and the church (for looking the other way). She does not feel love or worthy of love until she goes to live with her aunt who comes to love her like a daughter. This builds Pattyn’s sense of self and she falls in love. When she returns to her family, she tries to fight back through defiance. But the fear of her father is always there. The fear drives her to make an escape at the wrong time in the wrong way. Her fear creates the tragic end.Discussion Questions: Is suicide the only way out for Pattyn?Compare the cougar and Pattyn’s dad. How are they alike? How are they different?Compare Ethan and Derek. How are Pattyn’s relationships with them different?What role does the polluted environment play in the story? How would the story be different without that backdrop for Aunt Jeanette?How would this story be different if it were told in prose?Reader Response: I have read three books by Ellen Hopkins and I feel this one is the strongest in terms of storytelling and poetry. In the other books the poetry feels repetitive and sometimes bogs down the story. The poetry actually makes the character of Pattyn seem more vulnerable than I believe that prose would. This would be an excellent book for studying the circumstances of life that just are not fair. Jeanette would have made a wonderful mother, yet her alcoholic brother is able to produce ten children.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book was interesting because it gave me a perspective on a different way of life from what I'm used to. I liked reading about the main character's life. However, I was pretty disappointed with the ending of the book. I think that the book could have turned out a lot differently in the end and it would have been a lot better.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I loved this book, i finished it in less then a day. It is one of my favorite books i have ever read. The way the author wrote it is great and i think the ending makes the book. A lot of people dont like the ending because its sad so if you dont like sad endings i wouldnt recomend it
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Ellen Hopkins is such an amazing writer. All her books are 5 star material and Burned was a great book. Her style of writing is my favorite. I love books written-in-verse. That is why I am drawn to her books and she never fails to please me.This book is about Pattyn Von Stratten who was raised in a very strict religious household. But, her father also is abusive. As she gets older, she become curious about a lot of things. That is when she gets in trouble and is shipped off to be with her Aunt. This book was very interesting and Pattyn was a great character. Anyone who loves Ellen will love this book!
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5compared to her other books i thought that this one was a little more low key. i did really like this book. and the layout is like all her other books. it makes the book interesting. this book doesn't really deal with drugs as much as it is family problems and boys, but its still a good quick read.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Burned is an ok read I have enjoyed Hopkins other books a little more.....Raised in a strict, abusive Mormon household, a teenage girl starts to question her religion and struggles to find her pathway through life. Burned is a book about a teenage girl named Pattyn who is raised with her abusive father, uncaring mother, and 5 younger sisters with one on the way. She goes to live with her an reluctantly .... but as the book unfolds she begins to have some experiances that will change her life forever.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This is probably my favorite Ellen Hopkins book. It's not written as a poem like her usual books, but it was still just as beautiful and I honestly could not put it down for one second. This book filled me with so many emotions, but most of all it angered me so deeply because of the fact that there are actually people in the world like the ones she had to deal with. However, I loved the book.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Pattyn, who belongs to a Mormon family, begins to have questions that her faith can't or won't answer. Will God forgive her for having dreams about the very hot, Justin Proud? Is a woman's role to be submissive to her husband? Even an abusive husband? And what about love? Will she ever experience real love? When Pattyn gets caught with a boy, her father sends her to live with her aunt for the summer to find redemption and salvation. What she finds instead is the love and acceptance of her aunt and a young man. Pattyn begins to blossom into a confident, strong young woman. Will this new Pattyn be able to survive when the summer is over and she is called back to her terrible home-life and family? Tragic events ensue and Pattyn is sure she is doomed to some sort of a hell, maybe not the one preached about in church, but definitely a place Pattyn does not want to be. I found parts of the story hard to believe, but I wanted to know what was going to happen next. Pattyn is very likeable and her strong character and motivations are what keeps the story moving. Recommended for teen girls.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5the ending wasn't anything like i was expecting. i don't know how to give a review on this book other than the fact that it was good.this book will definitely be a book that i forgot that Ive read. I will always remember this book and the feeling that it gave me at the end. that i want to do anything to help this girl, to make this girls life better in some way in any form. To give her some type of hope.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Summary:
Burned is narrated by a high school girl (Pattyn) growing up in a strict mormon family. She suffers silently as her family takes a backseat to her religion and she start to question and explore life to find her place in a world where she's told that women are nothing more than property. She is told that she is evil and full of sin and that she needs a man to validate her. To make matters worse, she is the oldest of many children and plays the role of mother to each of them. She cooks, and cleans and changes diapers all while her mother sits on the sofa watching tv and her father gets drunk. After she was caught "acting out" (doing things a normal teenager girl would do) her father sends her to stay with his sister for the summer. There she finds out more of her family history and she finds herself. Once returns home she does her best to hide her confidence and assimilate into the mormon community again even though she may never truly fit in again.
My thoughts:
This is the fourth book that I have read by Ellen Hopkins. I started with Crank and finished that series. It was those books that made me order the rest of her works.
Burned is a good read. Pattyn is a typical teenager girl struggling with identity. Her thoughts and actions are realistic and the plot was interesting. If you've grown up in a strict religious home then you may resonate with some of the thoughts that she had. I grew up Christian and had to learn how my faith fit in to the rest of the world. Granted I did not have to deal with 25% of the problems that she encountered. Just thinking of girls out there suffering through this makes me tear up.
Overall I enjoyed the book and finished is pretty quickly. Th plot was paced well and the main character was likable instantly. The only thing that was bittersweet was the ending. It made me sad. (I won't give it away). I was sad because of what happened and I was sad because of what that meant. I was hoping that thing would turn out differently but now I am ready to read the next book. (Im going to start is once I finish this review). - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I loved the style in which this book was told. The poetic nature changes from page to page and adds to the overall impact of the story. I also felt the story was honest in its depiction of teenage life and the struggles that face teenagers. This book should be in school libraries because of its style and brutal honesty. While not for everyone, this story would be enjoyable to many readers.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Another emotional tale from Mrs. Hopkins. Detailed enough that as you read you begin to become the character and live the life, but not detailed to the point that there is nothing else. A sad story that shows the importance of standing up for one's self before things get to far. Am amazing read with great life lessons.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I loved this book. The writing was just amazing, this author is one of my new favourites because of the way she writes: completely in verse. There was such depth to her characters and you really felt like you could be in the scene, of to the side watching. I would read this book again and again.
Book preview
Burned - Ellen Hopkins
Did You Ever
When you were little, endure
your parents’ warnings, then wait
for them to leave the room,
pry loose protective covers
and consider inserting some metal
object into an electrical outlet?
Did you wonder if for once
you might light up the room?
When you were big enough
to cross the street on your own,
did you ever wait for a signal,
hear the frenzied approach
of a fire truck and feel like
stepping out in front of it?
Did you wonder just how far
that rocket ride might take you?
When you were almost grown,
did you ever sit in a bubble bath,
perspiration pooling,
notice a blow-dryer plugged
in within easy reach, and think
about dropping it into the water?
Did you wonder if the expected
rush might somehow fail you?
And now, do you ever dangle
your toes over the precipice,
dare the cliff to crumble,
defy the frozen deity to suffer
the sun, thaw feather and bone,
take wing to fly you home?
I, Pattyn Scarlet Von Stratten, do.
I’m Not Exactly Sure
When I began to feel that way.
Maybe a little piece of me
always has. It’s hard to remember.
But I do know things really
began to spin out of control
after my first sex dream.
As sex dreams go, there wasn’t
much sex, just a collage
of very hot kisses, and Justin Proud’s
hands, exploring every inch
of my body, at my fervent
invitation. As a stalwart Mormon
high school junior, drilled
ceaselessly about the dire
catastrophe awaiting those
who harbored impure thoughts,
I had never kissed a boy,
had never even considered
that I might enjoy such
an unclean thing, until
literature opened my eyes.
See, the Library
I Met Her My Freshman Year
All wide-eyed and dim about starting high school,
a big new school, with polished hallways
and hulking lockers and doors that led
who-knew-where?
A scary new school, filled with towering
teachers and snickering students,
impossible schedules, tough expectations,
and endless possibilities.
The library, with its paper perfume,
whispered queries, and copy
machine shuffles, was the only familiar
place on the entire campus.
And there was Ms. Rose.
How can I help you?
Fresh off a fling with C. S.
Lewis and Madeleine L’Engle,
hungry for travel far from home,
I whispered, Fantasy, please.
She smiled. Follow me.
I know just where to take you.
I shadowed her to Tolkien’s
Middle-earth and Rowling’s
School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,
places no upstanding Mormon should go.
When you finish those,
I’d be happy to show you more.
Fantasy Segued into Darker Dimensions
And authors who used three whole names:
Vivian Vande Velde, Annette Curtis Klause.
Mary Downing Hahn.
By my sophomore year, I was deep
into adult horror—King, Koontz, Rice.
You must try classic horror,
insisted Ms. Rose.
Poe, Wells, Stoker. Stevenson. Shelley.
There’s more to life than monsters.
You’ll love these authors:
Burroughs. Dickens. Kipling. London.
Bradbury. Chaucer. Henry David Thoreau.
And these:
Jane Austen. Arthur Miller. Charlotte Brontë.
F. Scott Fitzgerald. J. D. Salinger.
By my junior year, I devoured increasingly
adult fare. Most, I hid under my dresser:
D. H. Lawrence. Truman Capote.
Ken Kesey. Jean Auel.
Mary Higgins Clark. Danielle Steel.
I Began
To view the world at large
through borrowed eyes,
eyes more like those
I wanted to own.
Hopeful.
I began
to see that it was more than
okay—it was, in some circles,
expected—to question my
little piece of the planet.
Empowered.
I began
to understand that I could
stretch if I wanted to, explore
if I dared, escape
if I just put one foot
in front of the other.
Enlightened.
I began
to realize that escape
might offer the only real
hope of freedom from my
supposed God-given roles—
wife and mother of as many
babies as my body could bear.
Emboldened.
I Also Began to Journal
Okay, one of the things expected of Latter-
Day Saints is keeping a journal.
But I’d always considered it just another
supposed to,
one not to worry much about.
Besides, what would I write in a book
everyone was allowed to read?
Some splendid nonfiction chronicle
about sharing a three-bedroom house
with six younger sisters, most of whom
I’d been required to diaper?
Some suspend-your-disbelief fiction
about how picture-perfect life was at home,
forget the whole dysfunctional truth
about Dad’s alcohol-fueled tirades?
Some brilliant manifesto about how God
whispered sweet insights into my ear,
higher truths that I would hold on to forever,
once I’d shared them through testimony?
Or maybe they wanted trashy confessions—
Daydreams Designed by Satan.
Whatever. I’d never written but a few
words in my mandated diary.
Maybe it was the rebel in me.
Or maybe it was just the lazy in me.
But faithfully penning a journal
was the furthest thing from my mind.
Ms. Rose Had Other Ideas
One day I brought a stack of books,
most of them banned in decent LDS
households, to the checkout counter.
Ms. Rose looked up and smiled.
You are quite the reader, Pattyn.
You’ll be a writer one day, I’ll venture.
I shook my head. "Not me.
Who’d want to read anything
I have to say?"
She smiled. How about you?
Why don’t you start
with a journal?
So I gave her the whole
lowdown about why journaling
was not my thing.
A very good reason to keep
a journal just for you. One
you don’t have to write in.
A day or two later, she gave
me one—plump, thin-lined,
with a plain denim cover.
Decorate it with your words,
she said. And don’t be afraid
of what goes inside.
I Wasn’t Sure What She Meant
Until I opened the stiff-paged volume
and started to write.
At first, rather ordinary fare
garnished the lines.
Feb. 6. Good day at school. Got an A
on my history paper.
Feb. 9. Roberta has strep throat. Great!
Now we’ll all get it.
But as the year progressed, I began
to feel I was living in a stranger’s body.
Mar. 15. Justin Proud smiled at me today.
I can’t believe it! And I can’t believe
how it made me feel. Kind of tingly all over,
like I had an itch I didn’t want to scratch.
An itch you-know-where.
Mar. 17. I dreamed about Justin last night.
Dreamed he kissed me, and I kissed him back,
and I let him touch me all over my body
and I woke up all hot and blushing.
Blushing! Like I’d done something wrong.
Can a dream be wrong?
Aren’t dreams God’s way
of telling you things?
Justin Proud
Was one of the designated
hot bods
on campus.
No surprise all the girls
hotly pursued that bod.
The only surprise was my
subconscious interest.
I mean, he was anything
but a good Mormon boy.
And I, allegedly being
a good Mormon girl,
was supposed to keep
my feminine thoughts pure.
Easy enough, while struggling
with stacks of books,
piles of paper, and mounds
of adolescent angst.
Easy enough, while chasing
after a herd of siblings,
each the product of lustful,
if legally married, behavior.
Easy enough, while watching
other girls pant after him.
But just how do you maintain
pure thoughts when you dream?
I Suppose That’s the Kind of Thing
Some girls could ask their moms.
But Mom and I didn’t talk
a whole lot about what
makes the world go round.
Conversation tended to run
toward who’d wash the dishes,
who’d dust and vacuum,
who’d change the diapers.
In a house with seven kids,
the oldest always seemed to draw
diaper duty. Mom worked real
hard to avoid Luvs. In fact,
that’s the hardest she ever
worked at anything. Am I saying
my mom was lazy? I guess I am.
As more of us girls went off
to school each day, the house
got dirtier and dirtier. If we
wanted clean clothes,
we loaded the washer.
If we wanted clean dishes,
we had to clear the sink.
Mom watched a lot of TV.
She didn’t have a job, of course.
Dad wouldn’t hear of it, which
made Mom extremely happy.
I think she saw her profession as
populating the world with girls.
Seven Girls
That’s all Mom ever
managed to give Dad.
He named every one after
a famous general, always
planning on a son.
A son, to replace the two
his first wife had given him,
the two he’d lost.
Janice, I heard him tell Mom
more than once, if you don’t
pop out a boy next time,
I’m getting my money back on you.
But she carried no
money-back guarantee.
And the baby girls
just kept coming.
In reverse order: Georgia
(another nod to General
George Patton, my namesake);
Roberta (Robert E. Lee);
Davie (Jefferson D.);
Teddie (Roosevelt);
Ulyssa (S. Grant);
Jackie (Pershing).
Oh yes, and me.
No nicknames,
no shortcuts,
use every syllable,
every letter,
because
there would
be no half-ass
in Dad’s house.
It’s disturbing, I know.
But Dad was Dad
so Mom went along.
One Time, One Day
In My View, Having Babies
was supposed to be
something
beautiful,
not a duty.
Something
incredible,
not role-playing.
Bringing
new life
into this dying
world,
promising hope
for a saner
tomorrow.
As I saw it,
any expectation
of sanity rested
in a woman’s womb.
God should have
given Eve
another chance.
Instead, He turned
her away, no way
to make the world better.
Regardless
Barring blizzards
or bouts of projectile vomiting,
I attended Sunday services
every week, and that week
was no exception. Three solid
hours of crying babies
and uninspired testimony,
all orchestrated by bishops,
presidents, prophets, and priests,
each bearing a masculine
moniker, specialized hardware,
and God-given
attitude;
of taking the sacrament,
bread and water, served
up by young deacons, all boys.
The message came through loud
and clear: Women are inferior.
And God likes it that way.
Silly Me
I refused to believe it.
Not only that, but I began
to resent the whole idea.
I had watched women crushed
beneath the weight
of dreams, smashed.
I had seen them bow down
before their husbands,
and not just figuratively.
I had witnessed bone-chilling
abuse, no questions,
no help, no escape.
All in the hopes
that when they died,
and reached up from the grave,
their husbands would grab
hold, tug hard, and allow
them to enter heaven.
As I sat through that sacrament
meeting, observing those women
smile and nod and kowtow,
my warped little mind
wondered if any of them ever
dreamed about really hot guys.
Somehow, I Couldn’t Reconcile
Any of the LDS viewpoint
with a "wake up, tingly all
over, and bathed in a cool
sheen of sweat" kind of dream.
I considered talking to Jackie
about it. We were really each
other’s best friends.
What else could we be?
Thick as mud, Mom always
said, and why not?
We shared siblings,
cohabited a double bed,
confided concerns,
divvied responsibilities.
Traded secrets.
Plotted the future.
Besides, who else
but my closest sister
could understand
the uncertainty of our lives?
Still, I was pretty sure
she couldn’t relate
to spicy dreams about
Justin Proud.
Mom was out. Jackie
was out. I tried to
think of a friend who
might understand.
Oh Yes
I had a few friends,
upstanding Mormon girls all.
Becca and Emily
lived just around the corner.
We’d known each other
since primary, and
before too many sisters
made it nearly impossible,
we used to play together.
In grade school we walked
to the bus together, sat as if glued
together, giggled together.
Confided hopes and dreams.
But our moms knew each
other, our dads held
church callings together.
Once things at the Von Stratten
house started to dive south,
I didn’t dare talk to Becca
or Emily about them.
Once baby detail fell more
and more to me, I didn’t
have time for outside activities.
Becca played outstanding
soccer. Emily sang outstanding
soprano. I was an outstanding
diaper-changing machine.
So we’d chat a bit at church,
walk to class together,
discuss a hunk du jour,
without believing he might
ever belong to any of us.
Sometimes we’d go to church
activities together, but in
the final analysis, we had
very little in common.
Not like Jackie and me,
who had almost everything
in common and no secret
worth keeping from each
other. At least not then.
But Neither Becca
Nor Emily could possibly
answer my questions about
maintaining all manner of decency
while a person dreams.
So I decided to pose the question in seminary.
Wait. Do you know about seminary?
See, come high school, Latter-Day
teenagers spend an hour each weekday
morning, before the first bell rings,
being reminded of Who We Are.
We met at Brother Prior’s house.
Dad drove me on his way to work.
Afterward, I could walk to school
with other good Mormon kids,
the right kind
to have as friends.
Brother Prior repeated scriptures,
though we’d heard them a thousand
times already. It was his job to reinforce
our values and keep our testimony strong.
He did not encourage