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    Unicorn Farts and Glitter: Quick and Dirty Tips for Surviving a J-Pouch: Quick and Dirty Tips for Surviving, #3
    Unicorn Farts and Glitter: Quick and Dirty Tips for Surviving a J-Pouch: Quick and Dirty Tips for Surviving, #3
    Unicorn Farts and Glitter: Quick and Dirty Tips for Surviving a J-Pouch: Quick and Dirty Tips for Surviving, #3
    Ebook158 pages1 hour

    Unicorn Farts and Glitter: Quick and Dirty Tips for Surviving a J-Pouch: Quick and Dirty Tips for Surviving, #3

    By AW Cross

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    About this ebook

    You've just gotten a j-pouch. Now what?

    Life with your new j-pouch might feel intimidating, but it doesn't have to be. In Unicorn Farts and Glitter: Quick and Dirty Tips for Surviving a J-Pouch, author and j-pouch veteran AW Cross gives you a first-hand, non-medical perspective about what to expect from your j-pouch and how to manage it successfully.

    Through her usual blend of practicality and humor, you'll learn how to:

    • Cope with the physical consequences and emotional impact of having a j-pouch
    • Manage pouchitis, cuffitis, obstructions, strictures, and skin care
    • Pack a survival kit and leave the house with confidence
    • Dress, eat, and have sex
    • Deal with healthcare professionals and your stays in the hospital
    • Use social media and parley with non-pouchers

    Whether you've just gotten your j-pouch, or you've had one for years, if you're determined to make the most of it, this book is for you.

    If you'd rather pretend that you're normal, have no sense of humor about your j-pouch, and hate unicorns and rainbows, DON'T BUY THIS BOOK!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherGlory Box Press
    Release dateAug 2, 2016
    ISBN9780995099142
    Unicorn Farts and Glitter: Quick and Dirty Tips for Surviving a J-Pouch: Quick and Dirty Tips for Surviving, #3

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      Book preview

      Unicorn Farts and Glitter - AW Cross

      title

      A.W. CROSS

      Glory-Box-Press-Logo(1)(1)

      Unicorn Farts and Glitter: Quick and Dirty Tips for Surviving a J-Pouch

      Copyright © 2016 by Glory Box Press

      All rights reserved. No part of this document may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission of Glory Box Press.

      Requests for permission to make copies of any part of the work should be submitted to the publisher at Glory Box Press, gloryboxpress@gmail.com

      Cover illustration by Peter Cross

      Cover design by germancreative

      Book design and production by Glory Box Press

      Editing by Mia Darien

      A.W. Cross

      gloryboxpress@gmail.com

      Printed in Canada

      First Printing: August 2016

      ISBN 978-0-9950991-4-2

      Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

      This book is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians. The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

      For all j-pouchers: may our farts smell like rainbows and echo like a unicorn’s laughter.

      jpouch image tiny

      Table of Contents

      CHAPTER 1

      J-POUCH: UNICORN FARTS AND GLITTER

      LIABILITIES OF A J-POUCH

      ASSETS OF A J-POUCH

      CHAPTER 2

      BATTLE SCARS: PHYSICAL CONSEQUENCES OF A J-POUCH

      PHYSICAL CONSEQUENCES OF A J-POUCH AND HOW TO COPE

      CAN’T WAIT: ACCESS TO PUBLIC BATHROOMS

      CHAPTER 3

      THE WINDS OF CHANGE: THE ART OF FARTING (AND NOT SHARTING)

      CHAPTER 4

      THE NOSTALGIC ACHE: POUCHITIS, CUFFITIS, OBSTRUCTIONS, STRICTURES, AND SKIN CARE

      POUCHITIS

      CUFFITIS

      OBSTRUCTIONS

      POUCH STRICTURE

      SKIN CARE

      CHAPTER 5

      STAYIN' ALIVE: PLAN AHEAD

      J-POUCH SURVIVAL KIT

      ADULT DIAPERS: NOT JUST A FETISH

      CHAPTER 6

      I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS: WHAT TO PUT IN YOUR MOUTH

      J-POUCH DIET DOS AND DON’TS

      IT’S BEETS!

      BULKING (YOUR STOOL, NOT YOUR MUSCLES)

      PROBIOTICS

      CHAPTER 7

      A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR: SURVIVING HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS

      HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS AND YOUR J-POUCH

      CHAPTER 8

      THE SHOW MUST GO ON: EXERCISE AND YOUR J-POUCH

      EXERCISE AND YOUR J-POUCH

      PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES

      CHAPTER 9

      LIFE IS A HIGHWAY: TRAVEL AND SOCIAL EVENTS

      TRAVEL AND YOUR J-POUCH

      SOCIAL EVENTS

      CHAPTER 10

      SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW: THE EMOTIONAL IMPACT OF A J-POUCH

      EMOTIONAL IMPACT OF A J-POUCH AND HOW TO COPE

      RELATIONSHIPS AND YOUR J-POUCH

      POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS AND YOUR J-POUCH

      CHAPTER 11

      TALK DIRTY TO ME: SEX, PREGNANCY, AND YOUR J-POUCH

      SEX AND YOUR J-POUCH

      PREGNANCY AND YOUR J-POUCH

      CHAPTER 12

      ALL FUR COAT AND NO KNICKERS: J-POUCH FASHION DOS AND DON'TS

      CHAPTER 13

      BLOOD ON THE TRACKS: J-POUCHES AND THE SHIT PEOPLE SAY

      CHAPTER 14

      LOADED AND ALONE: SOCIAL MEDIA

      SOCIAL MEDIA DOS AND DON’TS

      CHAPTER 15

      SISTER MORPHINE: A GUIDE TO BEING IN HOSPITAL

      HOSPITAL SURVIVAL KIT

      RULES OF HOSPITAL ETIQUETTE

      HOW TO ENJOY YOUR STAY

      CHAPTER 16

      COWGIRLS DON'T CRY: TOUGH LOVE RULES FOR SURVIVING YOUR J-POUCH

      ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

      APPENDIX

      SURVIVAL KIT CHECKLISTS

      GLOSSARY

      ABOUT THE AUTHOR

      PREFACE

      I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in 2009. A little over three years later my colon was gone, and I was the owner of a shiny new j-pouch. I was cured. Only, I wasn’t. No one tells you how long your recovery will truly take. Six weeks, the doctors say. What they should tell you is six weeks, plus another forty-six, give or take. Six weeks and I could get out of bed, sure, but it wasn’t until an entire year had passed that I began to feel as though I was really recovering. And I was a best-case scenario. No complications, no urgency to return to work, no children to chase. I was extremely lucky.

      It wasn’t until the third year after my surgery that I could say I felt well. But even though my recovery was long and painful, it was also wonderful. I had adjusted to my ileostomy, even liked it, but with my j-pouch, I felt like I had been given a second chance.

      No longer encumbered by an external appliance, I fooled myself into thinking that this was it—I had paid my dues, and now I could just get on with life. Then came a bout of pouchitis. And another. And I realized that, despite outward appearances, I was never going to be normal again. And at that point, after all I had been through, my only options were to laugh or cry.

      I did both. But I laughed more.

      In 2015 (now sans ostomy), I joined the NaNoWriMo rebellion, and I wrote what would eventually become three books—this is the third. Writing about what I learned during my illness also inspired me to found my IBD blog, screamingmeemie.com.

      I hope this book makes you smile and your recovery even a little bit easier. I know it did mine.

      A.W. Cross, 2016

      INTRODUCTION

      Congratulations! You’ve defeated whatever condition robbed you of your colon, dominated an ostomy, and come out the other side. You have been rebuilt. They had the technology. They made you better than you were. Stronger, faster. Or at the very least, able to fart again.

      You are now among the elite. Seasoned, adaptable, and able to employ unconventional skills and methods to ensure your survival. You are a figure of medical legend, blending in seamlessly with society as you continue your battle against an invisible foe. You may be forgiven for thinking that you have paid your dues, that now is your time to rest. It is not.

      Your primary goal is to achieve confidence, continence, and healthy perianal skin. This book will help you achieve these objectives by instructing you on the use of bulking agents, proper skin care, and the art of dryly passing gas. You will be prepared to recognize the

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