Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit

By Bill May

Published by Bill May at Smashwords

Copyright 2016 Bill May

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form.

This book is dedicated to my lovely wife who had the patience to proofread my blog every week, and inadvertently learned things about Star Wars that she never wanted to know.

Love you!

Table of Contents

Day 1

Day 157

Day 466

Day 1,108

Day 1,158

Day 1,185

TATOOINE - Day 1:

I stepped off the ramp and into the cesspool that is Mos Eisley. I did not want to be there. The trip was awful, and I had too much time to think. That little green bastard tricked me into agreeing to take this mission and made me think it was my idea!

The baby stirred in my arms, so I shaded his face from the twin suns. His bottle was almost empty and his diaper count was down to zero. The voyage here was one long poop fest. I've never dry heaved so much in my life. I am a Jedi Knight, not a nursemaid. I should be destroying the Sith instead of wiping miniature asses!

When you get to Tatooine, directly to the Lars homestead you must take him, were Yoda's last words to me. I had to hurry up and drop the baby off, so I could sit on my ass for the next twenty years babysitting and hoping the kid didn't turn to the dark side.

To speed up the delivery process I rented an Eopie. The ugliest creature you could ever imagine. I would have rented a landspeeder but I didn't have enough credits. Speaking of credits, they are now accepting them on Tatooine. This really would have helped out nearly twenty years ago when my Master attempted to purchase a part for our busted ship. Since they didn't take credits my Master went galavanting around for the next few days trying to figure out ways to get the part needed for the ship. Meanwhile people were dying on Naboo waiting for us to get our asses in gear. But at least he didn't break his Jedi code by stealing the part, he won it fair and square by exploiting a slave child and entering him in a podrace.

Of course we hit a sandstorm as soon as we left the confines of Mos Eisley. I had the baby bundled up like a little space burrito, and nestled within my robe. It took the Eopie hours to trudge through the storm, but we eventually made it.

Owen Lars was already outside, and completely ignored my arrival. He stood with one knee raised, like a douche, and stared at the setting suns. I hoped he'd go blind. I knew this man would be trouble.

Then Beru Lars came out to greet us. What a babe! She smiled at me in such a way that I felt it in my lightsaber. As I handed the baby over to her she rubbed her finger between mine, back and forth, only for a moment. Then she said under her breath, "Visit any time." She took the baby to Owen, who appeared completely indifferent. Dick.

I rode off into the night. With no shelter, I spent that first night exposed to the elements. I had a fire to keep warm, stars so I could see, and a rented Eopie to fill my belly. Needless to say, I lost my deposit.

TATOOINE - Day 14:

Sand, sand, and more sand. Tatooine sucks. Been here for two weeks and I've already had enough. I bet Yoda is living it up on some exotic planet, while I'm here picking sand out of all my crevices. I met with the Lars couple a few times. The Skywalker baby appears happy enough, but that Owen character is a grumpy a-hole. And his wife Beru is overly friendly with me, if you know what I mean. They must not entertain guests much because all they offer me to drink is this awful blue milk which gives me diarrhea. I swear, a few more weeks of this and I'll be going after Vader myself.

TATOOINE - Day 72:

I got to hold the baby today. He was quiet in my arms. When Owen took him away Luke cried and puked all over him. Beru chuckled, then placed her hand on my knee. I could sense the anger swelling in Owen. More blue milk was served. What animal does this swill even come from, and why does Beru insist on trying to get me to drink it? Owen complained about the Sand People messing with his vaporators. Sand People, really?! What a racist bastard. I would never use that derogatory term. Then I made the mistake of mentioning Luke's training when he got older. Owen said I already created one monster, he wouldn't allow me to create another. I had to leave the Lars homestead before I went all Sith on his ass. I keep having the feeling that Yoda, as well as baby Leia, got the better end of this deal.

TATOOINE - Day 91:

Banthas!!! That's where blue milk comes from, banthas. Filthy beasts. Have you ever smelled a bantha?! Imagine a dozen dead womp rats rotting under the twin suns of Tatooine for a week or so. A rancor comes along and eats these rancid corpses and when it defecates them out this is what a bantha smells like! Lovely.

I discovered the horrible blue milk secret when I approached the Lars homestead and saw Beru milking the wretched beast. When she noticed me she smiled strangely and began milking the bantha in a most unladylike manner. I quickly moved passed her and was met by Owen at the front door. He refused to let me see young Luke, claiming he didn't want to wake him from a much needed nap. So instead we had a heated discussion about my role in the boy's life. I asked if he and his wife planned on adopting Luke and giving him the Lars name. He said absolutely not. So I reminded him that keeping the Skywalker name would be extremely dangerous for them. He snickered and replied, Yeah, and Kenobi is a real safe name. I never wanted to force choke someone so badly in my life.

TATOOINE - Day 112:

Since my argument with Owen three weeks ago I haven't seen the Skywalker baby. Lars blames me for Anakin's fate and for his own fate of having to raise the evil Lord Vader's son. I'm finding it ever more difficult to quiet my mind and meditate. So much death and destruction. We were so naive. Sidious was always in control, and we were blind to it. The galaxy is on the brink of total darkness and I played my role in letting it happen, just like everyone on the Council did. And now they're all dead. So I'll live out the rest of my days alone in my hut surrounded by an ocean of sand, banished by a galaxy I helped to destroy. A fitting end to Obi-Wan. Forever more I will be Ben, protector of a child that could easily join his father on the dark side someday.

Truly depressing. But having had enough of self-pity I decided to set out on foot for the three day trek to Mos Eisley in order to procure some supplies. It was then that I found a jar of blue milk sitting outside my door. It must have been left there by Beru. I believe that she's sweet on me...by default. I'm the only other man that she knows besides her dick husband. So out of a sense of obligation I went back inside and poured myself a glass of the most wretched liquid in the outer rim. I took one sip when I felt the bantha hair floating in my mouth. Spitting it out I poured the rest of the jar out the window and had a chuckle. That little incident lightened my mood and carried me all the way to Mos Eisley.

TATOOINE - Day 118:

My walk to Mos Eisley took three days and was uneventful. I practiced my meditation to keep going day and night. My thoughts controlled my body temperature, keeping me warm in the freezing night and cooling my feet from the scorching sand during the day. Speaking of the sand, I have still not adjusted to its odor. Its foul stench is a cross between a dewback's armpit and the fart of the Sarlaac. Most people are unaware that a Sarlaac passes gas. It is true, you just need to know where to look for the hole. The dust from the sand on Tatooine penetrates your clothing, the pores of your skin, everything. So when I arrived at Mos Eisley I smelled of lizard B.O. and sand farts, but then everyone else did too.

I purchased some supplies for my hut, replacement parts for my water vaporator, and decided to relax with a drink at the Cantina. What a wretched hive of pure ugliness. I mean, it was kind of dark in there, but man were those creatures unattractive. And I'm not talking cute ugly like Yoda, I'm talking F-U-G-L-Y. The band alone had asses for heads, and the others had what looked like disfigured genitalia hanging from their faces. That's when I saw the little bastard. I nearly drew my saber but quickly caught myself. He was palling around with a few of Jabba's goons. Last time I saw him he was a boy, and he had just witnessed his father being decapitated by a now deceased Jedi.

Currently Boba is a pimply faced teen punk, whose arrogance carried all the way across the room. It was just my luck that I'd be stuck on the one planet in the outer rim where someone would recognize me. I toyed with the idea of ending that clone's miserable life, but my duty to protecting Luke stopped me. I slipped out of the Cantina unnoticed by that little brat and headed home. When I reached my hut three days later I found Luke laying on my doorstep. He was fine, but I swore I would kill Owen for leaving the baby exposed like that. That's when I heard a desperate scream coming from over the dunes.

TATOOINE - Day 119:

Yesterday when I arrived back to my hut I found the Skywalker infant abandoned on the doorstep! I then heard a woman's scream coming from just beyond the dunes. It turned out the woman was Owen Lars being beaten mercilessly by five Tuskens.

I drew my saber for the first time since I arrived on this sphincter of a planet. While holding the baby under one arm, I sliced and diced three of the Tuskens without breaking a sweat. The fourth got away in Owen's landspeeder, and the fifth one was squatting over Lars choking him with his gloved hands. I felt the dark side wash over me like when you take the first drag of a death stick. I waited longer than I should have before removing the Tusken's head. With my one free hand I began choking Owen myself. There was something about the skin on skin contact that was far more satisfying than a force choke.

How dare you leave this child out in the elements, I shouted.

He attempted to speak as his eyes began to bulge out of his weathered face. I reluctantly released him, and comforted Luke as Owen got his bearings. He promised me that he had watched Luke from behind the dune as he waited for me to return. Utterly disgusted with the man, I walked away, leaving him sitting in the sand surrounded by a pool of his own filth. I picked up the baby bottle from outside my door and then delicately placed the sleeping Luke on my bed. To my surprise Owen entered my hut behind me.

You need to burn the bodies of those sand bastards, he said casually.

I asked him why he cared. He said there wasn't a weapon on Tatooine that could sever a limb and cauterize it at the same time. At that moment I wanted to cauterize the hell out of him, but of course he was right. Lightsaber wounds would bring me unnecessary attention. I rummaged through some robes of mine in order to wrap Luke in something. I had only one question that I needed answered from the coward that stood before me.

Why would you take this child in if you didn't want him? Owen stared at the floor and had the guilty expression of a youngling who had just gotten caught by Master Yoda giving force wedgies to the other children.

Because, he began, I am responsible for the death of that baby's grandmother.

TATOOINE - Day 124:

The Jedi Order taught us not to form attachments and not to hate, for these are the paths to the dark side. Now the Jedi are no more, and my personal path to the dark side is sleeping but a few inches away, snoring and passing gas like an obese tauntaun.

This tent, which might as well be my tomb, has turned into an aromatic nightmare. I swear I can smell everything Owen has eaten over the last week. This man who is slowly suffocating me, and baby Luke, with his diet of bantha burgers, alcohol, and blue milk, once accused me of allowing Anakin to turn to the dark side. And just days ago he abandoned this infant outside in full view of Tuskens, but still he has the nerve to forbid me from training Luke. Owen said he didn't want me to create a second monster. But as I cradle Luke in my arms I silently convey to him that I would give my life before I would allow him to follow in his father's footsteps. I failed Anakin, all of us did. But I will not fail this baby.

The sounds emanating from Owen breaks my train of thought. I match his breathing, so much so that I feel I begin to control it. How easily I could silence him. But Luke stirs and brings me back to reality. A reality where I am the protector, and Luke, not his father, is the chosen one. Before we set out on our misfit's voyage, Owen had tried to confess a horrible truth to me. Already wanting to plunge my saber into him for risking the life of Luke, I ignored him and instead began the task of burning the Tusken's bodies. To my surprise Tuskens burn rather well. Their tightly wound protective wraps act as a wick, preventing their fat from burning out too quickly. Their scorched bodies gave off a putrid smell, but nothing as bad as my current tent mate.

Owen was drunk the first three days of our journey. He kept trying to get me to drink with him in some sort of twisted bonding ritual to celebrate the fact that I had not ended his life. It was during the height of his drunken and dehydrated delirium that I finally allowed him to confess why he thought he was responsible for the death of Shmi Skywalker Lars. His story began with the self-pitying I had expected. He had been a drug addict. It had gotten so bad that he nearly lost his father's moisture farm to the Hutt's loan sharks. So his father Cliegg along with Owen's girlfriend Beru conspired together to put an end to the madness. One day they locked Owen in his room to force him into withdrawals. Shmi (who missed her son Anakin terribly) was overprotective of Owen because of their closeness in age, and easily influenced. Owen convinced her to venture out to the vaporators alone to pick him some psychedelic mushrooms. That's when the Tuskens took her.

At that point in Owen's tale I cut him off and told him it was time to set up camp. Before dawn I will take Luke and leave this clueless bastard behind. Without his landspeeder and its Tatooine Positioning System he will be completely lost and with luck will be dead within two days time.

TATOOINE - Day 126:

I had two lovely days with Luke. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy, I've never been responsible for a four month old baby before. Luckily I still had his bottle that Owen left with Luke when he abandoned him on my doorstep. With a bit of Force persuasion I was able to convince a wild bantha to part with some blue milk, but not before I mistakenly tried to milk a male. However, that's a story for another time.

Luke is such a beautiful child. I sometimes forget that he's Anakin's son. Other times all I see is Anakin. This child was born out of such hatred and destruction, that I worry the dark side has left a permanent imprint on him. It's because of this that I decided when he's old enough I'm going to tell him everything. He must know the complete truth if he's going to stand a chance against the evil that could be coursing through his veins. As for now I sense nothing but good in him. He is strong with the Force like his father, but has his mother's kind heart.

I am also sensing a far away voice in my mind which keeps repeating Lars. I can almost make out who it is. It sounds so familiar to me. Today is the day I predicted Owen Lars would die of dehydration and exposure. I feel nothing for this man, but that whispering voice keeps repeating his name over and over. My Jedi sense of honor gets the better of me so I strap Luke onto my back and set out in search of Owen.

How did it all come to this? Why am I, and Luke, on this miserable planet? Split up they should be, Master Yoda said. Bail Organa offered to take the girl, then like a dumbass I asked what would become of the boy. To Tatooine, to his family send him, Yoda