The Dirty Joke Book: Offensive, Politically Incorrect, and Poor Taste But Very Funny Jokes! (Second Edition)

THE NEW PRIEST

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So on the next Sunday, the priest  took the Monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon. He got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on his door:

– Sip the vodka, don't gulp

– There are 10 commandments, not 12

– There are 12 disciples, not 10

– David slew Goliath. He did not beat the shit out of him.

– Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not beat his ass

– We do not refer to our Lord Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

– The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and Spook

– When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body. He did not say Eat me!

– The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the unlaid Mary.

– The recommended grace before a meal is not: rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God.

–Next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's 

FROM THE DIRTY JOKE BOOK

THE DIRTY JOKE BOOK

Offensive, Politically Incorrect, and Poor Taste But Very Funny Jokes!

(SECOND EDITION)

By

HARVEY DICKMAN

––––––––

DICKMAN PRODUCTIONS

THE DIRTY JOKE BOOK: Offensive, Politically Incorrect, and Poor Taste But Very Funny Jokes

Copyright 2017 By Harvey Dickman

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Second Edition E-Book published by Dickman Productions in February 2017.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE BUT YOU WON’T STOP LAUGHING!

Here it is, a collection of the funniest and most offense jokes across a cross-section of popular topics:

– Religion

– Race, Ethnicity

– Sex

– Sluts

– Blondes

– Gays

– Rednecks

– Politics

And More!

WARNING TO THE SENSITIVE

The reader should be aware that this is a compilation of some of the most funny, irreverent, politically incorrect, poor taste, and in some cases–shall we even  say, vulgar– jokes from at least the last 60 years. They will be funny to some but offensive to others. If you are in the latter category, stay away.

Harvey Dickman

AUTHOR’S FOREWORD

This second edition of The Dirty Joke Book strives in its edits to work out some of the redundancy and awkward recitations found in the first  edition, and to be more streamlined in its presentation. Also, based on reader input I have  eliminated some of the jokes that just don’t work. I have also numbered some of the one-liners and other categories for greater  ease of reference should any of you want to post comments. 

I think the second edition is an overall improvement over the first. I hope it makes you laugh out loud if you are not too far to the left in the sensitivity spectrum. If so, enjoy!

Harvey Dickman, February 18, 2017

WILL YOU POST A REVIEW?

The readers’ posting of reviews is a major factor in any book’s  success. So if you did get a good laugh, please say so in a posted review wherever you may have  purchased this E-Book.

Thanks,

Harvey Dickman

CONTENTS

Warning To The Sensitive

Author’s Foreword

Will You Post A Review?

1. Religion

2. Race/Ethnicity

3. Gay

4. Sluts

5. Dumb Blondes

6. Cheer Leaders

7. Redneck

8. Politics

9. Miscellaneous

1. RELIGION

THE NEW PRIEST

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So on the next Sunday, the priest  took the Monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon. He got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on his door:

– Sip the vodka, don't gulp

– There are 10 commandments, not 12

– There are 12 disciples, not 10

– David slew Goliath. He did not beat the shit out of him.

– Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not beat his ass

– We do not refer to our Lord Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

– The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and Spook

– When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body. He did not say Eat me!

– The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the unlaid Mary.

– The recommended grace before a meal is not: rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God.

–Next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's 

THE BLIND MAN

Nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is.

The blind man, a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?

DIED AND WENT TO . . . WHEREVER

1. On Roller Skates!

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him and two other guys at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter explained, Everybody in heaven gets transportation. But the quality of the transportation depends on how faithful you were to your spouse or other significant other.

He turns to one man. How many times did you cheat on your wife?

Oh, I don’t know, said the man. Maybe six times.

Okay, says Saint Peter. Well, that is not too bad. You get a Chevrolet.

He looks at the next man. And you?

Well, the man says. At least one hundred times.

Bad, says Saint Peter. I am going to give you a Ford Pinto. But at least it won’t explode here.

Saint Peter turns to the final newly arrive man. Well, let’s have it. How many times did you cheat on your wife?

Not once, said the man. Not in over 35 years.

That is great, said Saint Peter. You get a Mercedes.

So the newly arrived man was off, driving around the streets of heaven in his new Mercedes. Then one day a sight caught his eye and he became so distraught that he lost control and wrecked his brand new Mercedes.

The angels came quickly to the scene.

Why did you do that? asked one angel. You have everything going. You are in heaven. You are faithful to your wife. And you get a new Mercedes. Now you wreck it.

Still overwrought, the man says, I just saw my wife go by on  roller skates!

2. The Importance Of The Right Hole

A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Say, said the man. I wonder if my friend John is here.

Saint Peter looks disappointed and shakes his head. He’s in the other place.

Saint Peter waves his hand to part the clouds down below. The man sees his friend John lying stretched naked on the ground, and riding on his lap furiously is a naked, big-breasted knock-out blonde. John is bringing up to his mouth in one hand  a bottle of whiskey.

Well, that doesn’t look so bad to me! said the man.

Oh, you don’t want to be there! said Saint Peter. The bottle has a hole in it and the girl don’t. 

3. The Clocks

A man dies and goes to hell. The devil shows him around and stops in a room with numerous surrounding clocks. The hands on many of the clocks are spinning. 

Every one has a clock, said the devil. And every time you play with yourself, the hand spins around on your clock.

The new man looks around at the multitude of clocks.

I see a clock for everyone I know, he says. But I don’t see one for my old friend Fred.

Oh, that clock, said the devil. I keep it in my room and use it for a fan.

4. Come On Out Of There!

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. The devil shows him around him.

You know, said the devil, I have been thinking about what might be the most appropriate placement for you here.

Clinton looks at the devil blankly and says nothing.

Here is one idea I had, said the devil. Take a look and tell me what you think.

The devil waved his hand and there sprang up before them