Big Idea # 1 - An Integrated Brain The brain as the authors point out, has many different parts and

each part has a different function. For example, you have a left side of the brain that helps you think logically and organize your thoughts into sentences, and a right side that helps you experiences emotions and non-verbal cues. You also have a reptile brain that allows you to act instinctively and make split second decisions The goal is to have your child to have all parts of its brain working together, or as the authors call it, integrated. They write, We want them to be horizontally integrated, so that their left-brain logic can work well with their right brain emotion. We also want them to be vertically integrated, so that the physically higher parts of their brain, which let them thoughtfully consider their actions, work well with the lower parts, which are more concerned with instinct, gut reactions, and survival. Each chapter of this book that follows deal with a different area of the brain and how to integrate it with another area for maximum performance. Its very exciting new research that I cant wait to let you in on the big ideas. Big Idea # 2 - Integrating the Left and Right Brain Imagine on your childs birthday, after spoiling your kid with gifts and a party, they begin to complain how they didnt get as much as last year (Its their right side acting up). The left brain side of me would hop online, grab my credit card statements, prepare a spreadsheet of birthday expenses from this year to last year, and then present my findings to my kid, maybe in graph form if theyre lucky. Not exactly what my kid needs at this moment, right? Instead, what my child is hoping for is for me to connect with him emotionally first, or his right side of the brain. Once Im able to connect, I can move my child towards more of a balance my incorporating the logical side of things. What does connecting with the right brain look like? When theyre right side is taking over parents should begin to Mirror their feelings and use nonverbals (like hubs and empathetic facial expressions) to show that you understand: Youre frustrated arent you? Once youve connected, set the boundary? Biting hurts. Please be gentle. Finally, focus on the appropriate alternative or move on to something else. Back to my birthday example, I might say, It sounds like youre disappointed that your birthday this year wasnt as good as lasts, does that disappoint you?

Once the connection to the right has taken place, I then could move on to us coming up with a plan to make the rest of the day the best ever or if its bedtime, thinking of fun ideas for next birthday. Big Idea # 3 Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs Brain Before tearing through this book in a matter of a few days, I had heard of the right brain and left brain. But obviously, theres more to the brain than just two sides, the left and right. As I discovered, theres also a top and bottom brain. Imagine that your brain is a house, with both a downstairs and an upstairs. The downstairs brain includes the brain stem and the limbic region, which are located in the lower parts of the brain from the top of your neck to about the bridge of your nose. Scientists talk about these lower areas as being more primitive because they are responsible for basic functions like (like breathing and blinking), for innate reactions and impulses (like fight and flight) and for strong emotions (like anger and fear). ...Your upstairs brain is completely different. Its made up of the cerebral cortex and its various parts--particularly the ones directory behind your forehead, including whats called the prefrontal cortex...The upstairs brain is more evolved and can give us a fuller perspective on the world...This is where integral mental processes take place, like thinking, imagining, and planning. When your child is using both the upstairs and downstairs brain, they tend to be able to work with others, have emotional control, think before acting, and have a sense of others emotional well-being. Wait a second...behaviors like that that are extremely rare in a child. As in, non-existent. Why? Because the downstairs brain is almost fully developed at birth. The upstairs brain, however, you know that part which allows humans to have good decision making and planning, empathy, control over emotions...isnt fully developed until a person reaches their 20s. Whats the lesson here? Unfortunately, its for us as parents to show some empathy. Theres a lot that we can do as parents (which Ill get to next, as it will be super helpful), but unfortunately, human evolution has to run its course in us. In other words, dont expect a perfect child, theres a lot going on inside their heads. Now that we know the basic idea of both the upstairs and downstairs brain, lets talk about strategizing on integrating the two sides. A little knowledge about these two disticnt parts, can help you prevent the dreaded tantrum.

Most parents have been taught that theres only one good way to respond to a tantrum: to ignore it. Otherwise, you communicate to your child that she has a powerful weapon to wield against you, and she will wield it over and over again. ...When you know about the upstairs and downstairs brain, you can also see that there are really two different types of tantrums. An upstairs tantrum occurs when a child essentialy decides to throw a fit... Essentially, our little kids know exactly what theyre doing when they throw an upstairs tantrum. A parent who recognizes an upstairs tantrum is left with one clear response: never negotiate with a terrorist. An upstairs tantrum calls for boundaries and clear discussion about appropiate behavior. A good response in this situation would be to calmly explain, I understand that youre excited about X, but I dont get the way youre acting. If you dont stop now, you wont get X, and Ill need to cancel your play date this afternoon, because youre showing me that youre not able to handle yourself well. Its just as important than to actually follow through on the punishment. Or else, the child will know they can win in the end. Can that strategy work for a downstairs tantrum? No because in a downstairs tantrum a child becomes so upset that hes no longer able to use his upstairs brain. ...An appropriate response to a downstairs tantrum is much more nurturing and comforting. Connect and redirect, as you just learned in Big Idea # 2 would work great, to stop downstairs tantrums. Remember that, your childs upstairs brain isnt working at all, theyre functioning 100% downstairs. By connecting first, you get your child to settle down and then allow room for incorporating logic and reason. Big Idea # 4 - Integrating Memory for Growth and Healing In 2011, my wife and I took a trip to The Netherlands and Belgium. When I think back at the details of the trip itself, it was stressful. We booked it about 24-hours in advance because we saw a great deal on airfare. However, we forgot that my wife hadnt changed her passport since changing her name. We also had to pack, finish up a few work assignments, book hotels, find out how to get to the airport, all in less than 24 hours. When we got there, we had no clue how to get to our hotel. We walked about 2 hours trying to find our it, after spending 10 hours on a plane.

What does this have to do with memory? Because when I look back at the trip, I just think about the fun times I had. I forget about all the details. One of the biggest myths about memory is that just because you remembered something, it doesnt mean its accurate. As the authors state: Memory is all about linkages in the brain (as opposed to being alphabetical files to be accessed whenever needed), and the retrieved memories are by definition vulnerable to distortion (as opposed to being detail-for-detail accurate photocopies of your past) Even more interesting, is there are different types of memory. Think about brushing your teeth, you dont have to really think about doing it. This is known as implicit memory. Think of implicit memory as the type of memory that lets you do stuff without thinking. The other type of memory is explicit. Think about the first time you tried something new, say driving. The first few times you got into a car you would mentally run over a checklist of what you just learned--- fasten seatbelt, turn on lights, check mirrors, press the brake, now turn the key.... Thats explicit memory. Whats interesting is that in the first 18 months of life, humans only use their implicit memory. Whats crucial to understand about implicit memory--especially when it comes to our kids and their fears and frustrations--is th implicit memories cause us to form expectations about the way the world works, based on our previous experiences...If you hug your toddler every evening when you come home from work, hell have a model in his mind that your returns will be filled with affection and connection. This is because implicit memory creates something called priming in which the brain readies itself to respond in a certain way. When you get home, your son anticipates a hug...As he gets older, priming will continue to operate with more complex behaviors. A few years later, if a piano teacher frequently criticizes his playing, he may create a mental model that he doesnt like piano, or even that hes not musical. So what can we do as parents? Have our kids talk about their memory. Ask them specific questions about the past. In the car, at the dinner table, wherever, help your child talk about her experiences, so she can integrate her implicit and explicit memories. This is especially important when it comes to the most important moments of her life, like family experiences, important friendships, and rites of passage. Simply by asking questions and encouraging recollection, you can help her remember

and understand important events from the past, which will help her better understand whats happening to her in the present. Big Idea # 5 - Integrating the Many Parts of the Self A few years ago, I was introduced to the Lefkoe Method by a mentor of mine. The Lefkoe Method is a system I now use whenever I find myself having a limited belief. Its had a tremendous impact on my self-confidence. Here is how I use the process. Say I set a goal to earn $100,000 this year. What normally happens is that after I set any goal, for the next few days Im on top of my game. I have all the energy in the world. However, after a few days this burst of energy wears off and self doubt starts to creep in. I start saying things to myself like, I dont have enough time to reach this goal, Im way to busy, right now to put in the extra work, Earning $100,000 really wont improve my life, its not a great goal. Notice how all those statements are not facts? They are not the truth. They are beliefs. However, my mind treats them as facts and thus in order to reach my goal, I must eliminate them. Thats where the Lefkoe Method has helped me out tremendously. Whenever I find myself with a limited belief, the Lefkoe Method will eliminate that belief permanently. In short, heres how it works: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. Identify the undesirable thought pattern Name the false belief Identify the source of the belief in memory Describe all possible alternative interpretations of the memory Realize that your original belief is an interpretation Consciously choose to reject the original belief as false Consciously choose to accept your reinterpretation as true

Whenever I go through this process, as it tends to be with most people, the source of my belief a moment from childhood. For example, say my belief is that I couldnt earn $100,000 because my teachers always wrote on my report card, poor work ethic. After seeing this as a kid on a report card, then subsequently having a talk about my parents with this subject, I really start to believe this is a fact. Unfortunately, if I dont eliminate that belief because I could carry that thought with me the rest of my life. Which is exactly, what most people do!

One of my most important goals as a parent, is to raise no limit kids. And since beliefs are formed at an early age, its important that I dont allow myself to form any negative beliefs at a young age that will carry with them through life. To eliminate negative beliefs in children, the key is to, Remind kids that feelings come and go. Fear, frustration, and loneliness are temporary states. For example, say your child says Im stupid. In this situation, let them know that they made one bad decision, that doesnt mean theyre stupid all the time. Remind them of a time when they did something that was smart. Then, ask if theyll still be stupid at a later period in time. This process of exploring their current state, then, letting them acknowledge that their current emotions will pass, will go along way to preventing limited beliefs forming. In turn, will help you raise no limit kids! Big Idea # 6 - Integrating the Self and Other While the first 5 Big Ideas we covered all dealt with a child's inner development, Big Idea # 6 leaps outside to cultivate traits such as compassion and empathy for others. Not an easy task...But is there something parents can do to help? Of course! Emotional contagion is the fancy scientific term that humans have understood for ages. That is, The internal states of others--from joy and playfulness to sadness and fear--directly affect our own state of mind. We soak other people into our own inner world. For parents, this means the compassion and empathy you show to them, your spouse, your family, your friends, is how your children will learn relate to others. When kids spend time with the most important people in their life, they develop important relational skills like communicating and listening well, interpreting facial expressions, understanding nonverbal communication, sharing, and sacrificing. But also, in relationships, children develop models about how they themselves fit into the world around them, and how relationships work. They learn whether they can trust others to see and respond to their needs, and whether they feel connected and protected enough to step out and take risks. In short, they learn whether relationships will leave them feeling alone and unseen, anxious and confused; of felt, understood, and securely cared for. Not hard to comprehend, right? Good...Lets move onto some strategies or habits you can implement in your parenting. One of the most important aspect of raising compassionate and empathetic kids, is to have fun with your child. Plan fun and new experiences and incorporate weekly or monthly rituals into your parenting, that are interesting.

Its all too simple to get caught up in the daily grind of life. Work, eat, sleep, and a little TV to relax. However, the memories and experiences your child has now, is what theyll remember for the rest of their life. The more fun experiences you have, the more theyll want to be with today and in the future. Heres a fun exercise. Whats three small things I can do with my kids every week thats fun? 1. 2. 3. Whats three small things I can do with my kids every month thats fun? 4. 5. 6. Whats three small things I can do with my kids every year thats fun? 7. 8. 9.

Big Idea # 7 - Connect through Conflict As adults, relationship conflict is something we experience everyday. Handling these sometimes small conflicts has a huge impact on the emotions we experience on a daily basis (i.e...letting the guy who cut you off, ruin your entire day.) Relationship conflicts for children, are a great teaching moment for the development of emotional intelligence. As the authors point out: Rather than an obstacle to avoid, view conflict as an opportunity to teach your kids essential relationship skills. If kids are going to have friendships with other kids, including their own siblings, conflicts will occur.

A common theme throughout all the big ideas Ive presented has been emotional intelligence-raising kids with emotional control and emotional insight. Generally, Ive discussed mostly about inner emotional intelligence, however, thats half the battle. Raising kids to connect with others emotionally is also an amazing trait to install. Heres how to do that: When your child is in a conflict, its important to connect first with their emotions (Big Idea # 2). But soon after, talk with your child about the emotions that their friend/siblings was going through during their conflict. Ask them about the siblings/friends body language, tone of voice, what they were saying, about whether something else maybe caused them to be mad or not.