CABIN PRESSURE Series 1, Episode 3: CREMONA (bing bong!) DOUGLAS: Good evening. This is First Officer Douglas Richardson.

Just to let you know we're now making our final preparations to Fly ou To The !oon. "hile we're air#orne $ do hope you'll take advantage of the opportunity to play among the stars% those of you sitting on the left&hand side of the aircraft should have an e'cellent view of what spring is like on Jupiter . . . and on the right&hand side( !ars. $n other words( hold my hand% in other words( #a#y( kiss me. )a#in doors to automatic. OPENING CREDITS [BC]: This week* )remona+ MARTIN: [chuck es! ,ery good( very good. Okay( my turn. DOUGLAS: -ll right. Do . . . .)ome Fly "ith !e.. MARTIN: [c e"rs #hro"#! (bing bong!) Good evening( ladies and gentlemen. On #ehalf of !J/ -ir $'d like to invite you to [sings! )ome fly with me( let's fly( let's fly awa0 CAROLYN: [in#erco$! !artin+ !artin( what on earth are you doing1 MARTIN: )arolyn+ $0oh0yes+ /othing+ CAROLYN: "hat's going on in there1 ou've #een on stand for half an hour+ $'ve #een waiting for you in the portaca#in+ DOUGLAS: es( we saw your light was on and we thought you might still #e there. CAROLYN: 2ut you didn't come in+ DOUGLAS: /o( we saw your light was on and we thought you might still #e there. CAROLYN: "ell( come in no%& $ want to talk to you. "ell heaven knows that's not true( #ut $ have things to tell you. ['n #he por#"c"bin&! CAROLYN: -h+ -t last. /ow then( guess who's got a 3o# tomorrow1 $'ll give you a clue* it's us. DOUGLAS: -nd they called 4itchcock the master of suspense. CAROLYN: -nyway( you'll like this trip. ou are taking a film star to $taly. MARTIN: - film star1 CAROLYN: !m&hmm. MARTIN: "hich one1

CAROLYN: 4ester !acaulay. MARTIN: Oh( yes( wasn't she0 ARTHUR: 456T5R !-)-78- 1+ DOUGLAS: Good lord( -rthur( $ didn't know you were here+ ARTHUR: 4ester !acaulay1+ The 8ady of the 8ake1+ 'n $( c"bin)! MARTIN: "hat were you doing #ehind there1 CAROLYN: -nd what are you talking a#out( idiot child1 ARTHUR: 6he was Griselda( the 8ady of the 8ake+ $n *ues# +or C"$e o#! CAROLYN: Oh( was she. ARTHUR: 56+ 6he's the one who tells -rthur to #ring her 5'cali#ur+ DOUGLAS: ,ring her 5'cali#ur1 6urely she gi-es him 5'cali#ur. ARTHUR: 4ow could she give him 5'cali#ur1 5'cali#ur's a person. DOUGLAS: Right. 9een -rthurian scholars( were they( these filmmakers1 ARTHUR: "ell( $ say person% o#viously it famously turns out he's a vampire+ CAROLYN: -rthur1 There's something on your face. ARTHUR: Oh. Got it1 CAROLYN: /o( no( lower( it's hanging off the #ottom of your face. $t's a sort of huge shelf of #one and flesh( and it's flapping a#out making a horri#le noise. "ill you make it stop1 ARTHUR: Right. es. 6orry( !um. CAROLYN: Thank you. /ow scatter to the winds( all of you. !artin( flight plan% Douglas( load sheet% -rthur( coffee. ARTHUR: Right. CAROLYN: Fly( my pretties( fly+ MARTIN: )ome on( monkey face. ARTHUR: Right&o+ [.he( e/i#&! DOUGLAS: )remona1 6o $ imagine we're staying at the 5'celsior1 CAROLYN: Then carry on imagining( Douglas( #ecause that's as close as you're getting. !s !acaulay will #e at the 5'celsior. ou will #e over the road at the Gari#aldi.

DOUGLAS: Oh( no+ The Gari#aldi's an a#solute dump+ CAROLYN: - dump( yes( #ut a keenly priced dump. DOUGLAS: $f this was a proper airline we'd #e staying at the 5'celsior. CAROLYN: -greed( and if you were proper pilots you'd #e flying with a proper airline. '$p"sse& /ow go and do me that load sheet. One passenger( and a do:en shirts. DOUGLAS: One of our sweatier actresses( is she1 CAROLYN: /o( the film's set in Fascist $taly. -nd apparently the studio needs some e'tra #lack shirts for the( um . . . DOUGLAS: 5'tras1 CAROLYN: es( playing . . . DOUGLAS: 2lackshirts1 CAROLYN: ;recisely. [.he ne/# d"(, in #he por#"c"bin&! MARTIN: .Good moooorning( madam( and welco0. /o. '!a'am.' .Good morning( ma'am( and welc0. /o( she's not the <ueen+ 4mm. .Good morning( !s !acaulay( and wel0. /o( 'madam'. [AR.01R "nd 2O134AS en#er, %i#h #he sound o+ -oices in #he b"ckground! ARTHUR: 0thing is( is it unprofessional to tell a passenger that you once made a collage of her face out of pasta shapes1 DOUGLAS: 4mm. $ really don't know. ARTHUR: ou see( part of me thinks0 DOUGLAS: Oh( $'m sorry( did $ say 'know'1 $ meant 'care'. $ don't really c"re& '!orning( !artin( you're looking very smart. MARTIN: /o $'m not( no more than usual( this is how $ always look( what are you saying1 DOUGLAS: es( you're =uite right( it was an unforgiva#le compliment( $ do apologi:e. /ow then( -rthur( spot test. ARTHUR: Oh( great+ $ love these. DOUGLAS: "hat can you tell me a#out the group of people we passed 3ust now waiting outside the portaca#in1 ARTHUR: Right. 7m( $ didn't really notice them. 7m . . . !ostly men( $ think. 7h( $ think one of them had a #eard . . . that's it. DOUGLAS: There are a#out thirty of them( all wearing homemade suits of armour( and singing a song

a#out a dragon. ARTHUR: eah( now you say that . . . MARTIN: 6uits of armour1 "hy on earth0 [0ES.ER MACA14A5 en#ers, "cco$p"nied b( #he s#r"ins o+ #he cro%d singing 6"s i# %"s %ri##en, so i# sh" ,EEEEE & & & !6! HESTER: Thank you( thank you+ es( thank you. [door s "$s shu#! Oh. 4ello. !J/ -ir1 MARTIN: es+ 4el& o& 5r( good morning( miss0madam( and well( m&m&madam !acaulay( miss !a0 mm!m0!s !acaulay+ HESTER: Ooh+ Thank you. 2ut please( call me 4ester. DOUGLAS: es( the full title's rather a mouthful( isn't it1 MARTIN: Th&th&th&this is First Offi0$ mean( $'m . . . C"p#"in !artin )rieff( #ut this is the first officer( Douglas Richardson( the co&pilot. HESTER: ;leased to meet you( !r )o&;ilot. $s that like #eing a co&star1 DOUGLAS: $ suppose it is( yes. MARTIN: [ "ughs! "ell not re" (( $ mean( 'co&star' is e=ual with the other co&star whereas the co&pilot is 3unior to me. HESTER: Oh yes( $'m sure he is( )aptain )rieff. MARTIN: ;lease( call me madam0!-RT$/+ HESTER: Thank you( !artin( $ will. -nd who is this1 ARTHUR: 4ello+ $ am -rthur. HESTER: 7h"#& ARTHUR: 5r . . . $'m -rthur1 HESTER: .9ing of the 2ritons.1 ARTHUR: 6teward of the -eroplane. DOUGLAS: 4e( er( he really is called -rthur. HESTER: Oh. Oh( $'m so sorry( -rthur. $ thought you were one of those . . . idio#ic fans. /ow( $ wonder if $ could 3ust have a =uick word with the manager1 MARTIN: Oh yes( yes( of course+ Just through that door there. HESTER: Thank you so much( )aptain0ah( M"r#in& MARTIN: Oh( you're =uite welcome( 0es#er&

[0ES.ER e/i#s&! DOUGLAS: Oh( 8ui#e welcome( 4ester. <uite( =uite( 8ui#e& MARTIN: Jealous+ ['n CARO45N9s o++ice&! CAROLYN: Oh+ 4ello. ou must #e !s !acaulay. 4ow splendid to meet you. HESTER: "here's the manager1 $ want to speak to him. CAROLYN: "ell( $'m her. )arolyn 9napp&6happey( owner and manager. HESTER: Right. Then what the he is going on here1 $ arrive at what $'m assured is a competent and discreet private charter firm to find the entrance #hronged with my fans. CAROLYN: "ould you call them a #hrong1 HESTER: Through which $ have to fight my own way+ CAROLYN: $'m not sure thirty's a throng. - g"#hering( may#e. HESTER: 2ecause no one is there to meet me( to help me from the ta'i( to take my luggage( to show me to the0 CAROLYN: Oh $'m so sorry( $ had no idea. "e'll make arrangements immediately. /ow may $ ask the precise nature of your disa#ility1 HESTER: "hat1 $'m not disa#led+ CAROLYN: Oh+ Oh( $'m sorry( $ thought you said you couldn't get out of a ta'i without help. HESTER: 8isten. 4ave you even + o%n a film star #efore1 CAROLYN: "e took /orman ;ace to Farn#orough. 4e's a lovely man. HESTER: "ell( $ am no# /orman ;ace. CAROLYN: $ was #eginning to suspect as much. HESTER: 8isten to me( de"rie& One more crack out of you and the e'ecutive producer of this film will cancel the contract and re&#ook me on a flight with a pro+ession" company. CAROLYN: ["+#er " p"use! $'m so sorry if $ have in "n( way offended you. /othing could #e further from my intention. HESTER: That's #etter. -nd another thing0is that strange little red&faced man actually a =ualified pilot1 $ mean( am $ safe to fly with him1 CAROLYN: $ can assure you that )aptain )rieff is -er( ne"r ( the #est pilot in the company.

[4"#er, in #he + igh# deck&! MARTIN: . . . and #eside that we have the artificial hori:on. HESTER: Gosh( yes+ "hat does it do1 MARTIN: "ell( it 3ust tells you if you're flying level( or . . . HESTER: -h+ MARTIN: . . . or( or( or&or not level. -nd if you're not flying level you can correct it on the #asis of that. -nd fly more . . . more . . . DOUGLAS: 8evelly1 MARTIN: 8evelly+ DOUGLAS: 8ovely. MARTIN: -nd these are the altimeters0 HESTER: Really1 They sound like a nice middle&class couple( don't they1 [2O134AS "nd 0ES.ER "ugh: MAR.'N ;oins in&! MARTIN: 4&how d'you mean1 HESTER: ou know. .Oh( do come in( lovely to see you. /ow( have you met the -ltimeters1. MARTIN: Oh+ [ "ughing, +in" ( re ie-ed #o ge# #he ;oke! $ see+ es( that's very good+ es( the -ltimeters+ !rs -ltimeter and !r -ltimeter+ .$'m&$'m&$'m Greg -ltimeter and this is my wife( 9atherine -ltimeter+. HESTER: . . . 5'actly( yes. "hy do you need two1 MARTIN: 7m( 3ust in case one goes wrong. DOUGLAS: That's the theory( anyway. $n practice( it's like )onfucius says( .!an with one altimeter( always know height% man with two( never certain.. HESTER: [ "ughs! MARTIN: Oh( $ know loads like that+ [ "ughs, pu#s on horrib e +"u/<Chinese "ccen#! .)onfucius( he say . . . . [p"use! Oh( they've( um( they've all gone out of my head. HESTER: Oh( never mind. $ pro#a#ly ought to go #ack now( actually. Thank you so much for showing me around up here. MARTIN: es. Right( yes( of course. "ell( $'m glad you en3oyed it. "ho knows( may#e you can show me around a film set one day. HESTER: ["+#er " be"#! !ay#e. "ho knows.

MARTIN: 6Ne-er e"# (e o% sno%!6 HESTER: "hat1 MARTIN: )onfucius+ 4e0well( t&that's . . . not one of the #est ones. HESTER: Okay. [E/i#s&! MARTIN: [sighs! "hat a lovely woman. DOUGLAS: Oh( did you ike her1 ou seemed rather cool and distant. MARTIN: Oh no+ Did $1 Really1 DOUGLAS: /o. ['n #he p"ssenger c"bin! ARTHUR: 4ello. HESTER: Oh( hello. ARTHUR: !ight $ ask yourself at this time if yourself would care to partake of the en3oyment of the in& flight entertainment system we do provide on the aircraft today1 HESTER: "hat1 ARTHUR: 6hall $ put the telly on1 HESTER: That's sweet of you( #ut $'m =uite happy reading my #ook. Thank you. ARTHUR: ou're welcome. HESTER: $s that all1 ARTHUR: es( that's all. 5'cept . . . $'m&$'m sorry a#out that thing when you met me and you thought $ was a fan. HESTER: Oh. /o( no( no( $ . . . $ should apologi:e to (ou& $t's 3ust . . . those ridiculous )amelot idiots. They follow me all over the world singing and chanting and telling me they're my .#iggest fans.. $t gets to one a little sometimes( you know1 ARTHUR: Right. $ see. 6till( though( $ 3ust want to say* $ am your #iggest fan. HESTER: Oh really1 ARTHUR: -#solutely+ HESTER: 5n3oy my )lytemnestra( did you1 ARTHUR: our )lyte . . . 1 HESTER: !y c"reer<de+ining )lytemnestra at 6tratford. Or perhaps you preferred my Olivier -ward&

winning performance in A 2o 9s 0ouse1 ARTHUR: ou performed in a doll's house1+ HESTER: /o1 "ell( perhaps you're more of a movie #uff. ARTHUR: es+ $ 3ust loved0 HESTER: /o( don't tell me( $'m keen to guess. A 4igh# Shines 2"rk (1 ."i s, 5ou 4ose1 ="rde 9s ,e"r1 ARTHUR: /o( $ loved0 HESTER: 2ecause $ hope you weren't a#out to suggest that you're my #iggest fan #ased on two misera#le weeks $ spent up to my #osom in pond weed filming some ridiculous fantasy dreck $ only agreed to bec"use $( i## e c"# needed " di" (sis $"chine! ARTHUR: Right. /o( $ like the other ones. Did your cat get #etter1 HESTER: /o( she died. ARTHUR: Oh dear. 6till( you know what they say a#out cats. HESTER: "hat1 ARTHUR: They've got nine lives+ 6o( may#e . . . she's still alive+ HESTER: 3E. O1. O= M5 S'30.! ARTHUR: Right&o+ [En#er CARO45N&! CAROLYN: 5verything all right in here1 ARTHUR: $'m 3ust getting out of a client's sight+ [E/i#s&! CAROLYN: 6o often the key to a happy flight. HESTER: Do please e'plain to me what the he is going on here1 CAROLYN: Difficult #ook( is it1 HESTER: /ot the #ook+ The fact that( having assured me $ would have no more trou#le from my weird fans( you appear to have assigned me one as my steward+ CAROLYN: $ apologi:e( madam( #ut . . . )an $ congratulate you on the hard&line manner in which you dealt with the menace1 HESTER: "hat1 CAROLYN: Oh( it's 3ust that so many people( faced with someone shyly telling them they liked their work( would simply have smiled and said .Thank you. #ut not you. ou let the #astard have it with #oth #arrels+ "ell done( you+

HESTER: 8isten. $t's not too late for me to walk out on you( you know. CAROLYN: That's true( so long as you can phone your e'ecutive producer #efore we take off. !ay $ 3ust remind you all electronic e=uipment must #e switched off until after we take off1 HESTER: $ "$ the e'ecutive producer. CAROLYN: 4ow can $ make madam's 3ourney more comforta#le1 HESTER: That's #etter. $ want that )amelot freak kept out of my sight. 5ou can do my stewardessing( and you can start #y #ringing me a lemon tea. CAROLYN: $nstantly( madam. [dr"%s #he c"bin en#r"nce cur#"ins b"ck! -rthur( put the kettle on and dig out those lemon hand wipes+ ['n Cre$on", "# #he E/ce sior&! ARTHUR: "ow( this hotel's ama:ing+ 8ook( that whole wall's a waterfall+ MARTIN: Don't get too attached to it( the Gari#aldi is pretty different. Though to #e fair( it does also have water running down the walls. DOUGLAS: !s !acaulay( may $ present . . . the 5'celsior. HESTER: Oh( it's o-e (( Douglas. Thank you so much. RECEPTIONIST: ,uon giorno, signor! MARTIN: Oh. ,uon giorno& 7m( do you speak 5nglish1 RECEPTIONIST: Of course( sir. MARTIN: Good( great. One room( please. RECEPTIONIST: )ertainly. "hat name is it1 MARTIN: !s 4es0 HESTER: !artin1 MARTIN: es1 HESTER: $ don't use my real name. The fans( remem#er1 MARTIN: Oh( yes( of course+ "hat name do you use1 HESTER: Oh( various ones. Often cartoon characters. ARTHUR: Oh( wow( did you nick that one off No##ing 0i 1 HESTER: They nicked it off me. MARTIN: 6o what name shall $ use1

HESTER: ou choose1 MARTIN: -h . . . yes. One room( please( for !s . . . Jessica Ra##it. HESTER: M"r#in! MARTIN: Oh God( no+ $ mean( $ didn't mean you look like0not that you don9# look like0well( that( that you do0#ut0um( no# Jessica Ra##it% !rs . . . 6noopy+ HESTER: 2ut why only one room1 "here are you all staying1 DOUGLAS: The Gari#aldi. HESTER: Oh no. /o( you mustn't stay there( it's gh"s# (& They tried to put me up there when $ did 7ho 2o 5ou .hink 5ou Are). DOUGLAS: Oh( you have $talian relatives1 HESTER: God no. 2ut when the 22) offer to fly you to wherever your family are from( you don't say 9idderminster. The Gari#aldi is the most "%+u dive. $ insisted they move me. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. "ell( )arolyn can't have known that when she #ooked it for us( can she( !artin1 MARTIN: /o. HESTER: $f $ were you $'d 3ust stay here+ Oh( unless you h"-e to. DOUGLAS: )aptain1 MARTIN: /o( no we don't have to( good lord( no. 5rm( three more rooms( please. RECEPTIONIST: )ertainly( sir. "hat names1 ARTHUR: Oooh oooh can $ #e Goofy1 MARTIN: 2oug "s Richardson( -rthur 6happey( and C"p#"in !artin )rieff. RECEPTIONIST: Ooooh( you're a c"pi#"n1 MARTIN: That's right( yes( $'m an airline captain. RECEPTIONIST: 6o( did you want a suite1 MARTIN: "hat1 RECEPTIONIST: "ell( generally when the air crews come( the c"pi#"n( he likes a suite. HESTER: Oooh+ MARTIN: es+ 5r( the thing a#out that is0 RECEPTIONIST: /o( sir( $ ask #ecause $'m sorry( we have no left today.

MARTIN: Oh+ Oh( well. "ell( yes( $ %ou d have liked one. $ mean( o#viously $'m an airline captain. -nd frankly this is very shoddy. $ mean( $'ll rough it this once in one of your normal . . . five&star rooms( #ut $'m -er( disappointed. RECEPTIONIST: "ell( you could always take the staterooms. MARTIN: "hat1 RECEPTIONIST: The staterooms( on the fifth floor. The whole of the fifth floor. HESTER: Oh yes M"r#in! "hy don't you1 MARTIN: Right. es+ $ will+ es+ es+ DOUGLAS: /onchalantly done. ['n #he e e-"#or! MARTIN: . . . -nd anything else $ can do( you have my num#er( so don't hesitate to call+ [e e-"#or pings c osed! ARTHUR: "ow( 6kip( five&star hotel( eh1 This is the life+ MARTIN: /o it's not. ARTHUR: $sn't it1 MARTIN: /o. "e're going straight #ack down to the lo##y( refunding those rooms( and we're going b"ck to the Gari#aldi. $'m so sorry to disappoint you. ARTHUR: /o( it's fine. $ don't like #ig hotel rooms( anyway. Too many drawers. MARTIN: Drawers1 ARTHUR: eah. ')ause( you know( you gotta put something in every drawer( haven't you1 Or it doesn't feel like home. -nd sometimes in these places $ have to split pairs of socks. [,"ck in #he obb(, "# #he +ron# desk! MARTIN: -h( hello. $ was here fifteen minutes ago( $0 RECEPTIONIST: $ remem#er you. MARTIN: es( $ imagine you would do. RECEPTIONIST: $t's very e'citing for us( you know. "e don't often get to rent out the staterooms in the winter. MARTIN: /o( $ #et you don't. The thing is( $( um( $'ve #een up to have a look at the room0the roo$s% and to #e honest( they're a little . . . stately. RECEPTIONIST: They're staterooms.

MARTIN: es( $ appreciate that( #ut there comes a point that you feel when a stateroom crosses the line from #eing a nice( stately room for a statesman to . . . lie in state and #ecomes( you know( 3ust #erri+(ing ( huge and e'pensive. 6o . . . if you could possib ( 3ust refund me the0 RECEPTIONIST: Oooh& MARTIN: $ don't like the way you said .Oh.. ;lease tell me it's a cultural thing and that's 3ust how you #egin the sentence ($i$ics RECE>.'ON'S.9s "ccen#) .Oooh( don't worry( sir( that will #e no pro#lem&o at all+. RECEPTIONIST: /o( the pro#lem is( some#ody 3ust tried to rent the staterooms( and we had to turn him down. MARTIN: Great( he can have it. RECEPTIONIST: /o( no( he's gone now. "e don't know where. MARTIN: "hat did he look like1 RECEPTIONIST: Oh( he was a&a #ig . . . man( with a #ig . . . coat( and . . . a . . . #ig . . . #eard+ MARTIN: Right. 6o in the eight minutes since $ was last here 2rian 2lessed strolled in( tried to rent the most e'pensive suite in the hotel and then left disappointed for destination unknown. RECEPTIONIST: $ didn't get his name. ARTHUR: 2luto1 MARTIN: 2espi#e you 3ust telling me you never get any #ookings for it during the winter+ RECEPTIONIST: "hat can $ say1 "e were lucky. MARTIN: es( %e ( you make your own luck( don't you1 4ow a#out the other two rooms( the nor$" & si:ed ones. )an you refund those1 RECEPTIONIST: This may#e we can do. MARTIN: Right( great. [" $obi e phone rings! Oh( for heaven's sake+ -rthur( go to Douglas's room. >?@. 6top him unpacking( $'ll meet you there. ARTHUR: Right. MARTIN: [phone beeps! 4ello1 CAROLYN: [o-er #he phone! !artin( my favourite aviator. MARTIN: [p"ined "ugh! Oh God( what have $ done now1 CAROLYN: /othing( nothing+ ou simply find me in a r"re good humour+ MARTIN: )ertainly rare. CAROLYN: $'m in $taly on a sunny day( my flight home is not till midnight( the studio have coughed up

the money like lam#s( and generally all is rosy. 7nless you were a#out to tell me otherwise. MARTIN: /o( no( everything here's fine. CAROLYN: E/ce en#! "ell( such a good mood am $ in( $ thought $ would treat you three to dinner tonight. MARTIN: "ell( that's very nice of you0 CAROLYN: -nd not only that( #ut at the 5'celsior. MARTIN: Ohhhh. /o( no! The Gari#aldi will #e +ine! CAROLYN: Oh( don't #e ridiculous. The Gari#aldi is +"r from fine or you wouldn't #e staying there. MARTIN: /o( actually $ had a look at the restaurant0they do a very nice $talian . . . #urger . . . thing. 8ooks good. CAROLYN: $ don't know what you're playing at( !artin( #ut stop it. For reasons of my own $ particularly want us to eat at the 5'celsior this evening( so that is where $ shall see you. 6even&thirty sh"rp& [h"ngs up! MARTIN: Oh( terrific. [On #he #hird + oor&! MARTIN: . . . Three&ten( three&eleven . . . ah( three&twelve. [knocks, door opens! DOUGLAS: -h( !artin( hello. /o. MARTIN: /o what1 DOUGLAS: /o way( a#solutely out of the =uestion( JosA. MARTIN: ou don't know what $'m going to ask+ DOUGLAS: Oh( #ut $ do. ARTHUR: 4ello 6kipper+ Don't worry( $ filled Douglas in. MARTIN: Oh well done+ DOUGLAS: 6o( if -rthur could #e relied upon( which $ can see is far from a given( you're going to ask if( to save your skin with )arolyn( $ will leave this lovely five&star hotel room and go to the Gari#aldi. MARTIN: es. DOUGLAS: "hile you stay here in a five&star hotel s#"#eroo$ sui#e& "ell( o#viously $'ll have to think ong and h"rd a#out this one+ /o. MARTIN: Douglas+ DOUGLAS: 6orry( $ like it here. $ have two fluffy dressing gowns in case one of them goes wrong( and a

complimentary mi'ed nuts which is ch"r$ing? MARTIN: "ell( $'m sorr(( #ut $'ve returned this room to the hotel. ou can't stay here. DOUGLAS: Fair enough. Then you go to the Gari#aldi and '9 have the staterooms. MARTIN: /o( Douglas( $'m trying to tell you you're right+ DOUGLAS: So glad we agree. MARTIN: ou're right( you c"n9# trust anything -rthur tells you. Of course $'m not staying in the staterooms. $ got them refunded too. ARTHUR: "hat( after $'d gone1 MARTIN: es( after you'd gone. ARTHUR: Oh( well done( 6kip. $ must say $'m surprised #ecause that receptionist seemed pretty firm0 MARTIN: $'m -er( persuasive. 6o( all the rooms are refunded and we have no choice #ut to go to the Gari#aldi( okay1 DOUGLAS: . . . [hu++s! 6poilsport. -ll right( give me ten minutes( $ have things to pack. MARTIN: ou can't have unpacked already. DOUGLAS: $ didn't say they were $( things. MARTIN: Don't forget the mi'ed nuts. DOUGLAS: -s if $ would. [A# #he 3"rib" di&! ARTHUR: Gosh. $t is different here( isn't it1 -re those real1 DOUGLAS: /o( no. They're decor"#i-e stuffed cockroaches. -h well( see you at dinner then( chaps. MARTIN: '2ye. . . . $s he gone1 Right. [#o #he RECE>.'ON'S.! ,uon giorno& 5'cuse me( $ made a mistake0$ 3ust want one room( please( if we can return these two1 RECEPTIONIST: [re e"ses " pu#<upon gro"n&! MARTIN: Thank you. ARTHUR: "hat's going on( 6kip1 MARTIN: -ll right( -rthur( listen re" ( carefully. ARTHUR: Oh dear. $ hate these. MARTIN: ou and $ aren't staying here tonight. "e're staying (%hispers) in the 5'celsior+ $n the staterooms.

ARTHUR: #ut $ thought you managed to return0 MARTIN: /O( of course $ didn't return them+ 2ut here's the important thing . . . [On #he %"( b"ck #o #he E/ce sior&! MARTIN: . . . you $us#n9# tell Douglas that we're staying at the 5'celsior( you mustn't tell 0es#er we're staying at the Gari#aldi( and a#ove all you must no# tell )arolyn . . . anything at all( got that1 ARTHUR: . . . /o. MARTIN: Okay. 8ook( here we are( we might 3ust #e a#le to pull this off. [AR.01R "nd MAR.'N run in#o " cro%d o+ 0ES.ER9s +"ns, singing 6"s i# %"s %ri##en, so i# sh" ,EEEEE & & & !6! MARTIN: [shou#ing "bo-e #he din! -rthur( you pro$ised me you didn't tell anyone where she was staying+ ARTHUR: $ didn't( honestly $ didn't+ MARTIN: ou $us# have done+ Oh God( d'you think she's seen them1 [his $obi e rings! 4ello1 HESTER: [o-er #he phone! 7h"#& 0"-e& 5ou& 2ONE) ARTHUR: es $ do. MARTIN: -h( 4ester+ $ was 3ust0 HESTER: Don't .4ester. me( you ridiculous incompetent little man. MARTIN: 20 HESTER: Just e'plain to me how it is that0no( actually( don9# e'plain. MARTIN: 2u0 HESTER: $ don't want to hear any more of your stuttering and toadying. $ 3ust want you to make them all GO -"- + [h"ngs up! DOUGLAS: "ell. 6he's no /orman ;ace( is she1 MARTIN: Douglas( what are you doing here1 DOUGLAS: Oh( $ saw you #eetling off and $ 3ust had a hunch this might #e an interesting place to come and have a drink. The horde of knights is an une'pected #onus. MARTIN: "hat am $ gonna do1 DOUGLAS: -#out what in particular1 MARTIN: -#out e-er(#hing!

DOUGLAS: -h( e-er(#hing in particular. "ell( as $ see it your pro#lems are* a vastly e'pensive non& refunda#le stateroom suite( a hotel lo##y's worth of gormless fans( and a furious actress. MARTIN: es+ DOUGLAS: -nd your assets are* a do:en #lack shirts. MARTIN: "hat1 DOUGLAS: "ell. The answer's o#vious( surely. MARTIN: /ot to me+ DOUGLAS: -h+ $nteresting. 2ecause it is to me. 6o( suppose $ were to sort all this out for you and suppose once it was sorted out there was still a nice 5'celsior hotel room left over . . . MARTIN: es( (es you can have it. DOUGLAS: 5'cellent. [.o #he @N'30.S! -ttention( o spotty knights+ $ have a proposition for you. -m $ right in thinking that you're here lying in wait like gru##y leopards for 4ester !acaulay1 KNIGHTS: 5es! DOUGLAS: "ell( as the more astute0or the least un<astute of you0have noticed( she's not coming down until you go away. KNIGHT: "ell( we're not going away until she comes do%n! KNIGHTS: 5es! DOUGLAS: "hat a delicious metaphysical conundrum. -nd one to which( luckily( $ have the answer. $ can arrange for #%e -e of you to not only $ee# !s !acaulay [.he @N'30.S g"sp!( #ut to actually shake her hand [" ouder g"sp! after first washing your own si'teen or seventeen times( naturally. On condition that the rest of you i$$edi"#e ( go a re" ( really long way away. KNIGHT: 2ut how do we pick which twelve1 KNIGHT: Oh( well( we could cut cards for it+ DOUGLAS: Oh( come( co$e! "hat sort of opportunity does #h"# give you to demonstrate your strange( unsettling devotion1 KNIGHT: ou mean you want us to fight for it1 DOUGLAS: /o( no( no+ $ want you to bid for it. Do $ hear( for instance( five hundred euro1 KNIGHT: =i-e hundred euros! [.he o#her @N'30.S s#"r# c "$oring %i#h #heir o%n bids&! DOUGLAS: $t seems $ do. ['n #he ho#e & .he e e-"#or pings open&!

DOUGLAS: -fter you( !s !acaulay. [.he e e-"#or doors c ose&! !s !acaulay( on #ehalf of us all at !J/ -ir( allow me to say how sorr( we are for all the trou#le and inconvenience you've suffered. HESTER: "ell you b ood( well should #e. DOUGLAS: $ndeed we b ood( well should #e and so we b ood( well are. Firstly( let me assure you that the mediaeval contingent have now #een en#ire ( van=uished( and furthermore( in recompense for your suffering( $ have #een authori:ed to procure for you perhaps the most u/urious accommodation in $taly not already #agsied #y the ;ope. 2ehold [e e-"#or doors ping open! your s#"#eroo$s&[2oors c ose&! HESTER: 4ow did you time your speech so that it ended precisely on the ding1 DOUGLAS: $ rode up and down the lift a few times( practicing. HESTER: "ell( it's a nice room. DOUGLAS: $t is a nice room( and #eyond lies an even nicer room( which leads into a frankly "s#onishing room( and #eyond that . . . an airing cup#oard( which $ admit is an anticlima'. HESTER: This is cer#"in ( more how $ e'pect to #e treated. DOUGLAS: "ell of course it is. -nd not only that( #ut we have paid for the hotel to lay on a #e"$ of s#"++ who'll #e e'clusively dedic"#ed to looking after you during your stay. -llow me to introduce [opens door! your #utler+ "BUTLER": 8et us a0 DOUGLAS: 6adly( none of them can speak any 5nglish. HESTER: ;leased to meet you. [.he 6s#"++6 #i##er&! DOUGLAS: Then this is your under&#utler( your under&under&#utler and your under&#utler&#utler. -nd this is your chef( your wine waiter( your pastry cook( and your . . . pudding&smith. HESTER: ;leased to meet you. "PUDDING-SMITH": [#hrough " s#r"ng ed gigg e! ;leased to meet . . . you. HESTER: -re you all right1 DOUGLAS: That's )remonese dialect for .;leasure's ours.. Finally( your laundry man( your knife&and& #oots #oy( the man whose 3o# it is to fold the end of your loo roll into a ,&shape( and your . . . sta#le lad. HESTER: "hy on earth would $ want a sta#le lad1 DOUGLAS: Don't you1 7m#erto( you're fired. [1M,ER.O: A%% & & & ! HESTER: $sn't there a maid of some sort1 DOUGLAS: Oh yes( of course+ 7m#erto( you're re&hired. [1M,ER.O: 7oohoo!! /ow all of you( get out. [.he 6s#"++6 co$p "in -oci+erous (! O7T+ [.he( e/i#&! HESTER: )urious uniform they have.

DOUGLAS: es( $ rather like it. HESTER: $f $ was an $talian hotel manager( $ wouldn't give my staff #lack shirts. DOUGLAS: -h( #ut that's the #eauty of it. Gives them an e'citing nin;" look( don't you feel1 ['n #he ho#e dining roo$&! DOUGLAS: $t's perfectly simple. 4ester stays in your staterooms( paid for #y the proceeds of the handshake auction( $ stay in 4ester's old room here( you stay in my old room at the Gari#aldi. ARTHUR: -nd me1 DOUGLAS: -lso in my room at the Gari#aldi. ARTHUR: 2rilliant+ 2agsie $ get the floor. MARTIN: "hy would you %"n# the floor1 ARTHUR: -re you 3oking1 $ sleep in a #ed every night+ . . . Ooh( there's !um+ DOUGLAS: C"ro (n) $ thought she was flying home+ MARTIN: /ot till tonight. 6he was very keen to take us for dinner here first( God knows why0 C"ro (n! 4ello. CAROLYN: !artin( %h"# is going on1 MARTIN: /othing( no#hing! 5verything's +ine! 4ester's happy( the accommodation #udget's #alanced( everything is a#solutely fine+ CAROLYN: 7here are all the fans1 MARTIN: ou heard a#out that( did you1 "ell( we did have a momentary glitch with some enthusiasts( #ut don't worry( we sent them all away+ CAROLYN: 5ou sen# #he$ "%"() "hy on earth did you send them away1 They were my re-enge! MARTIN: "hat1 CAROLYN: 5es! "hy else did you think $ told them where she was staying1 MARTIN: 5ou told them1 CAROLYN: Of course $ told them+ -s soon as the studio paid up. /o one calls me .dearie. and gets away with it+ -nd then $ speci+ic" ( #ooked this ta#le for us to survey the mayhem+ Douglas( didn't you e'plain this to him1 DOUGLAS: $ . . . MARTIN: 2oug "s e'plain it1 CAROLYN: es+ $t was his idea in the first place+

MARTIN: DO7G8-6+ DOUGLAS: . . . !i'ed nut1 END CREDITS [BC]