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By OMULO OKOTH IN NASSAU, BAHAMAS
Two gold medals, one with a world record, and a na-
tional record punctuated Kenyas imperious run at these
inaugural World Relays in this Atlantic Ocean island on
Saturday evening.
The rst day of the two-day event could not have been
marked in a better, if more tting, style when Jamaicas
4x200m quartet deed the conspicuous absence of mul-
tiple world champion and world record holder Usain Bolt
and Assafa Powell to register a world record in a neigh-
bouring Caribbean nation.
But rst things rst. The rst gold medal of the World
Relays the mens 4x800m was won by Ferguson
Cheruiyot Rotich, Sammy Kibet Kirongo, Job Koech Kiny-
or and Alfred Kipketer, fresh four pairs of legs that sent a
strong indication of a potential seamless transition from
Two gold medals punctuate
Kenyas imperious run
CONTINUED ON PAGE 55
RECORDS
TUMBLE
7 Pages of Sizzling Sports coverage!
Kenyas womens 4x1,500m relay team celebrates on the track after
setting a new world record while winning the event during the IAAF
World Relays Championships in Nassau, Bahamas, on Saturday. From
left to right are Mercy Cherono, Faith Chepngetich Kipyegon, Irene
Jelegat and Hellen Obiri. [PHOTO: REUTERS]
Monday
Kick Off Your Week
The Perfect Way To
Monday
STANDARD
WITH THE
Pullout Section B Monday, May 26, 2014
Monday
Kick Off Your Week
The Perfect Way To
Monday
STANDARD
WITH THE
Oyunga
Pala:
Student
activism;
pale shadow
of former
self
P4
Disowned
Parents
Their children not only hate them, they have disowned and rejected them, P8-9
Page 2 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
ODDS AND ENDS
Meet worlds oldest
hooker
It was reported in an on-
line media that an 85-
year-old granny, who hap-
pens to be a prostitute
came out of the closet and
laid bare details of her
profession, including how
she still charges top dollar
for her services.
................................Page 3
POLITICALLY
INCORRECT
Famine, death stalk
South Sudan
Peter Wanyonyi warns
that South Sudan is on the
brink of serious calami-
ties, ranging from hunger
and famine to instability.
He calls for other African
nations to intervene.
............................Page 6
OFF THE WALL
Shock as mourner car-
ries own plate, spoon
to funeral
Philip Orwa reports about
a funny incident in which
a villager carried a plate
and cutlery to a funeral,
which she used after the
said items ran out.
.......................Page 7
FEMINIST
Tips on how to seek
apology from a woman
Anne Muiruri offers tips
to menfolk on how best to
ask for forgiveness from a
woman.
.............................Page 10
TEACHERS DIARY
Fake, hired parents
busted by teachers
Mwalimu Socrates nar-
rates how suspended
students hired people to
masquerade as their par-
ents but got busted by a
disciplinary committee.
.............................Page 11
UGANDAN AFFAIRS
Drama at a botched
cross-generational
wedding
Grace Nakato reports
about the intrigues of an
underage girls botched
marriage to a 40-year-old.
.............................Page 14
In 1 Minute...
myturn
Group Managing Editor (Print): Kipkoech Tanui
Deputy Managing Editor Daily Editions: Peter Okongo
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Mutahi, Mwalimu Socrates, Hamza Babu
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The joke that is EACC
In Saudi Arabia, a virus called Middle East
Respiratory Syndrome wipes out scores
of citizens and the Health minister nds
himself at the tail-end of a queue of job-
seekers. In South Korea, ferry captain
breaks every sea captains sacred oath and
decides to break Usain Bolts record despite
there being no Diamond league in that part
of the world. His craft sinks with hundreds
on board and Mr Captain is charged with
the deaths. In Thailand and Cambodia, a
fellow is caught trying to sneak in some
cocaine or heroin and is hanged for his
troubles or is jailed for life! In Kenya, people
loot the national treasury and we re-elect
them. In fact, we deify them, allow them
time to make a joke out of the Ethics and
Anti-Corruption Commission, and run rings
around the cops.
Send comments and feedback on
our stories to
crazymonday@standardmedia.co.ke
and like our Ofcial Crazy Monday
Magazine on Facebook.
To
n
y
M
a
lesi
UNCAGED: A leopardess comes in many colours.
C
urrently, the hottest political potato across the continent is insecurity.
In Nigeria, close to 300 girls kidnapped from a school over a month
ago, in Chibok town are yet to be rescued. So insecure is Chibok that
the Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan developed cold feet and
cancelled his scheduled reassurance visit there. Instead, cowed, oga
Jonathan chose to y to France where he, with his counterparts from Chad,
Cameroon, Benin and Niger had been summoned by papa Franois Hol-
lande to discuss Boko Haram insurgency and insecurity in West Africa.
With rampant insecurity across Africa, her presidents cannot miss such
opportunities to be out of the continent as a personal safety measure.
Closer home, in his rst year in ofce, our president has reportedly spent a
mind-boggling 70 days out of the god-forsaken country, where terrorist kill
people left, right and centre for fun. Last month alone, he was here for only
11 days! Just imagine!
And to prove his lack of manly fortitude, which is much needed in a
president, oga Jonathan waited until he landed in France and rested for a
day, to call a press conference. Where he, with the enthusiasm of a magician
charmed by the sight of a priced rams fatty jingle bells, explained why he
couldnt travel to Chibok. One thing, though, in his press conference made
me roll on the ground with laughter; he said the cancelled Chibok visit was
a rumour! And that if anything, his visit was not going to bring back the girls
anyway, before adding that the Nigerian military was undergoing training
to carry out the rescue! Of course, Nigerians were not amused. Most called
him a coward. But look, those of us whove travelled quite a bit, know how
complicated French meals are. There is something they call the Classical
French 17 Course Menu. Being familiar with French hospitality, I know,
upon disembarking in France, oga Jonathan had more pressing matters at
hand; choosing from the 17 what to eat and what not to eat. In such a situ-
ation, thinking about the abducted girls could be the last thing to come on
his mind.
Not an easy task at all, especially if you are used to simpler meals such as
fufu and palm wine. Pray, will such a man care about trivialities such as his
countrymen calling him a coward? Not when he has a difcult task such as
being keen not to use the wrong glass for the wrong wine; mismatching red
wine and white meat or vice versa; or even holding the wine glass or using
cutlery wrongly, you know; or even panicking and fumbling with cutlery,
and in the process breaking glassware! Remember his image as a sophisti-
cated big African man was at stake oh!
And again, given that his military has inferior weaponry compared to
the Boko Haram militia, being escorted to Chibok by British or American
military was more embarrassing than being called a coward for not going
to Chibok at all. Look, Nigerian military, like their counterparts across Af-
rica still use rusty ries that no self-respecting Boko Haram or Al Shabaab
adherent would be caught with. In fact, invoking that famous running all
over the place like headless chicken idiom in reference to the panic some
African presidents run into when faced with calamity, is being unkind and
disrespectful to the best meal nature ever served to mankind. Most are cow-
ards.
AFRICA NEEDS BRAVE PRESIDENTS
Quotes
You will not be punished for your anger, you will be
punishedby your anger.
Buddha
If youthinkyoucandoathingor thinkyoucant doa
thing, youre right.
HenryFord
The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but
imagination.
Albert Einstein
CRAZY MONDAY / Page 3
Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
Nomads plan to venture
into real estate development
odds&ends/Strange, weird but true tales from across the world
A
s a neighbouring country suf-
fers from a cholera outbreak,
Kenya on the other hand is
struggling hard to contain
a serious afiction of a me-
too mentality that has ravaged the
nation.
The me-too mentality has been
manifested mostly in the real estate
development industry. Symptoms
include every other organisation in
the most unrelated of sectors mak-
ing plans to venture into the prop-
erty market. In the recent past cor-
porations ranging from tyre makers
to motorcycle dealers to confection-
ers have joined the bandwagon.
This afiction has no known
vaccine, and no known cure. And
the best we can do about it is sit
and watch helplessly like we do
with every other crisis in the coun-
try, said a health ofcial at a press
conference where the Health minis-
try was addressing the media. This
was shortly after the latest case of
the afiction had just been report-
ed when a group of nomads made
known their intentions to invest in
real estate.
RESIDENTIAL HOUSES
We have pooled funds together
and we will be building another gat-
ed community which will consist of
residential houses, a shopping mall,
a school and other social ameni-
ties, the groups spokesperson said.
However, he made it clear that they
would not be abandoning their no-
madic lifestyle and start embracing
permanent abodes.
The houses well develop will
not be for our own use. Its not our
style to be permanently stationed
anywhere. We are just doing what
everyone is doing and this has
nothing to do with trying to change
the way we live, the spokesperson
pointed out.
When pressed to say how they
expect to be taken seriously when
they have no prior experience in the
housing development sector, they
said that it doesnt matter because
the Kenyan culture is to follow
the herd and ask questions later.
As it happens whenever things go
wrong.
We know it is ironic that nomads
would go about developing per-
manent housing, but this is Kenya
where you follow the trend thought-
lessly. Thinking is for the indecisive
and the idle, asserted the group
spokesperson, before emphasising
his point using quail farming and
pyramid schemes.
The announcement by the no-
mads comes hot on the heels of
the conrmation of rumours that
a group of hole-dwelling end-time
cultists who had also shown interest
in real estate development are actu-
ally going to put their money in the
sector.
Of course not for our use since
we already have well-dug holes that
we live in waiting for the day of the
rapture, pointed out the cult leader
while conrming what has been
long-running speculation.
This further sparked rumours
that with the way things are go-
ing, next to join the fray will be the
hunter and gatherer communities
of Southern Africa.
LOOK STRANGE
With the way things are going
and if the current trend in the coun-
try continues, any individual or
organisation without some invest-
ment in real estate will look strange
and might get their Kenyan citizen-
ship revoked for not participating in
a national pastime, suggested Ce-
ment Wambora, a property analyst.
But while those corporations
venturing into real estate from
very unrelated backgrounds cite
the need to diversify their income
streams and reduce overreliance on
their core business, experts are urg-
ing caution.
Some of these diversication
strategies we have seen are quite
strange and no different from, say a
eunuch investing in a condom man-
ufacturing plant, Cement Wambora
added. Or nuns who have taken a
vow of silence opening a radio sta-
tion.
wackyleaks/WITH MARK MUTAHI
S
itting in her chair with a head
of grey hair, a buttoned-up
cardigan and a beaming
smile, youd be forgiven for
thinking Sheila Vogel-Coupe
was just like any other grandmother.
But that is exactly what she is not.
She is a prostitute! And a proud one
in that case.
At 85 years of age Sheila has more
notches on her bedpost than most
twentysomethings you see on Nairo-
bis Koinange street. She is Britains
oldest prostitute.
On closer examination, you can
see that Sheila wears a miniskirt,
suspenders and patent heels. And
its no wonder she has such a large
grin on her face, given that she rakes
in 250 (Sh21,950) an hour for raun-
chy romps.
OLDEST PROFESSION
Sheila went back to the game
four years ago after struggling with
loneliness, following the death of
her second husband, aeronautical
engineer Noel Coupe, in 2004.
She used to entertain ten clients
a week until she had to go under
the knife for an operation in which
she had to have 13in of intestine re-
moved.
Since taking up the worlds oldest
profession, she has been disowned
by her family and seen her story
splashed all over the Press. But that
isnt enough to get her to give up her
lucrative career.
I dont think I will ever stop,
Sheila says ahead of appearing on
new Channel 4 documentary My
Granny The Escort.
Meet the oldest hooker who still charges top dollar for her services
Speaking about her male clients,
she said: They see something about
me. It is a nice feeling.
Often men call me up and say,
Will you please go on talking be-
cause you are turning me on. I know
I am very, very sexy.
Attempting to explain why shes
a granny on the game, she added:
The most important reason is be-
cause I love sex. Even thinking about
it makes me feel better.
It doesnt just begin with sex,
there is companionship too. I have
been on my own for nine years and I
do get lonely. I love the companion-
ship of gentlemen. I really have no
inhibitions.
Some and not just her many
clients may recognise her after she
hit headlines in 2010 for being the
grandmother of controversial X Fac-
tor contestant Katie Waissel.
ENTERTAINS MEN
Unfortunately when it emerged
Waissels grandmother was an es-
cort, her family didnt take it too
well.
But Sheila deantly adds: You
would have thought I had commit-
ted a murder. They couldnt believe
I could do something like that. They
wanted me to promise I would never
do it again. I told them to stuff it.
The Channel 4 documentary also
features 64-year-old Beverley a
grandmother who entertains men
at her suburban home, and 57-year-
old Sophie who invites clients to her
isolated country pad for romps.
Adopted from Metro
Page 4 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
thesecrazykenyans/OYUNGA PALA FINDS THE HUMAN IN THE KENYAN
their time, ready to die for what
they believed in. Students were
known for taking a bold stand on
national causes. There are sev-
eral examples of how students
have risen to change the course
of history. From Soweto to Ser-
bia, Tahrir to Tiananmen Square
protests, students were the van-
guard, instigating social change.
With a resigned sigh, we lament,
the youth of today. That level
of energy seems to be only good
Student activism; pale shadow of former self
W
hen Kenyans look
East, they tend to look
right past India. Yet,
our cultural and social
linkages are centuries
old. The 2014 India presidential
election for example, was not
governance as usual. A self-
made man who started out as
a tea-seller had risen to become
prime minister.
Narendra Modi, an opposition
candidate from outside the es-
tablished elite earned a landslide
win. The rst in 30 years. Modis
resounding victory blew away
the ruling Congress party. What
was also noteworthy was how
he achieved it. Modi had a well-
oiled machinery working on his
campaign. Over 5, 187 events,
13 million You Tube downloads,
Lessons from India
T
he public apology is not a
Kenyan male habit. Cor-
rupt individuals will rip
off state corporations,
clean out the coffers and
get caught in the act. You might
wrestle out a confession but a
public apology will be nearly
impossible to extract.
That is tantamount to admit-
ting liability and we are all in-
nocent even when proven guilty.
Given a chance, we will point out
who is to blame. The resistance
must stem from our past. The
English came, stole land, occu-
pied and exploited it and they
never apologised to the original
inhabitants they displaced.
It took a court case, half a cen-
tury later led by Mau Mau vet-
erans to get Britains acknowl-
edgement of colonial era torture
and land grabbing. Therefore,
the reluctance for public ofcials
to seek forgiveness for wrongdo-
ing has precedence.
BAD PRECEDENCE
The same macho standard
plays out in relationships. Be-
hind closed doors, men are
known to plead leniency for
varied transgressions regularly.
However, out in the public eye
a different script plays out. We
are a society that lives by the ad-
T
he text messages start-
ed ying out early by 8
oclock in the morning.
The retweets came fast and
Facebook cautions were
shared. Avoid the area around
the University of Nairobi. Trafc
started building up on the alter-
native routes. Taxi drivers were
taking the long way round.
There was going to be a
peaceful demonstration that in-
volved university students and
it is always best to leave them
in peace. As expected, an alter-
cation happened between the
peaceful demonstrators and the
anti-riot police with innocent
members of the public caught in
the fray.
The usual gangster elements
exploiting the tyranny of their
numbers went about their busi-
ness without a care in the world,
robbing, stoning and harassing
motorists.
HEADLINE SHOT
All along they were trailed by
journalists, all angling for the
best headline shot. Meanwhile,
the rest of the city simply ad-
justed to the inconvenience in
that same begrudging manner
you would have to a scheduled
Kenya Power outage.
That evening, I tuned onto the
radio, to get a grasp of what the
student grievances over fees en-
Fear of public apology
that. Being a radical is not syn-
onymous with lack of reason.
Simply talking to provoke in the
mistaken belief that it makes
one a tough guy is one of those
bad habits that is quite prevalent
on talk radio.
Like the quality of most things
in Kenya, student activism just
isnt what it was. Student lead-
ers of the 70s, 80s and 90s were
simply cut from a different
piece of cloth and products of
tailed. On air was the Sonu lead-
er Babu Owino and his sidekick
for PR, some character going
by the name Serikal. I was op-
timistic, hoping for a reasoned
debate around the justication
of the right to protest.
The radio talk show was a
painful experience. An oppor-
tunity to articulate the students
position was lost and as some-
one aptly put it, all we heard
was Comrade this, comrade
age, Thou shall not wash your
dirty linen in public. I may have
messed up but darling, no need
to humiliate.
Therefore, when a personal
apology addressed to a wife ap-
peared as a paid advert in one of
the local dailies, it caused a sen-
sation. Francis Onyiso probably
went along with it thinking, no
one reads the classieds section.
Sadly, this is the 21st century and
he became a news item.
A man takes out an ad to apol-
appealing to 814 million voters.
India Today reported that 2.5
million active volunteers har-
nessed the internet and mobile
telephony to connect with an
estimated 230 million people,
one in every four voters.
Modi won the election on the
promise of meeting the expec-
tations of all. He blew away the
notion that one couldnt run an
election on the basis of develop-
ment without the usual tactics
of voter persuasion.
His 13-year track record as
a performing chief minister of
the state of Gujarat was handy.
Modi is celebrated for bringing
prosperity and development to
his home state of Gujarat. It was
that development platform that
resonated with the larger India.
for twerking and swag.
At least we know where the
blame squarely lies. We abdi-
cated home schooling because,
all the time available was spent
earning a living. Government
misplaced its priorities.
Universities were turned
into businesses. Meritocracy
was sacriced in pursuit of the
elusive shilling. Having good
grades was not half as impor-
tant as paying the fees. Lecturers
were reduced to groveling over
low pay. The quality of instruc-
tion plummeted and students
got resourceful.
The student union positions
became self-aggrandisement ve-
hicles. A bridge to the pampered
club of the youth leaders and
the training ground for the gravy
train of elective politics.
The student leadership sim-
ply mirror mainstream politi-
cians who we vote in for all the
wrong reasons. They understand
the power of hype and glib to get
you noticed. There is never any
accountability needed if you can
nd someone to blame. Mean-
while, a drained, law abiding
and hardworking middle aged
mother, on her way home gets
pelted with stones as a soft target
of misdirected aggression and it
is not even considered a crimi-
nal act. We simply call it bad luck
happening to good people.
ogise to his wife for some hurt he
caused and the public demands
details! Francis Onyiso is obvi-
ously setting a bad precedent.
Now, if your wife insists
on a public apology for some
thoughtless act on your part,
it wont be thought of as mali-
cious. After all, Onyiso did it and
he is a public gure?
Twitter: @realoyungapala
Website: oyungapala.com
CRAZY MONDAY / Page 5
Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
Ted Malanda draws on the wisdom of his royal Wanga
ancestors to try and understand a world gone mad
lifesacircus
walkwithme...
A
whole bunch of Kenyans,
some of them high up the
rafters in the hierarchy of
politics and government,
cant sing the national an-
them.
When we must, like during
national holiday celebrations,
we stand stiff, staring glassy-
eyed into space, moving our lips,
mumbling nonsense and hop-
ing that our inaudible grunts
will vanish in the sea of other
nonsensical grunts that are mer-
cifully mufed by the army brass
brand.
Being a most prayerful people
hooked to miracles, prophets,
manna and blessings from heav-
en, however, we only remember
the rst two lines: O God of all
creation, bless this our land and
nation
NETHER REGIONS
Oh yeah. Typical of us to leave
everything to God, to plant seed
and then hang around scratch-
ing our nether regions, waiting
for miracles. But sorry folks.
If justice is not our shield and
defender, if we do not dwell in
unity, peace and liberty, plenty
will never be found within our
borders. Never.
It does not matter how much
we genuect before the Lord,
shower phony prophets wearing
shiny suits and shoes with tithe,
or develop clever-sounding vi-
sion and mission statements at
costly retreats in Mombasa. If
justice is not our shield and de-
fender, if we do not dwell in uni-
ty, peace and liberty, we can all
kiss plenty within our myopic,
noisy, corrupt, empty-headed,
insecure, ethnic hatred-soaked
borders goodbye.
And there is one line in that
anthem that is totally mis-
placed. Service be our earnest
endeavor Really? Which
Away with the national anthem,
lets just chant war cries instead
dreamy-eyed fool came up with
that? Service has never been
our earnest endeavour. How,
when we are scheming to get
rich without breaking a sweat
and stealing the fat of the land?
That is what everyone, from the
two-bit mungiki bandit, to the
small-time grassroots politician
eating bursary money meant
for orphans and the big shot in
Nairobi pocketing Anglo Leasing
millions, does anyway.
Of course there are several
If I was Education Cabinet Secretary Jacob Kaimenyi or
Labour Cabinet Secretary Kazungu Kambi, I would be very
afraid and shaking in the back seat of my Passat or Toyota
VX. Seasoned politicians know it is never a good thing when
you espy storm clouds gathering in the distance before you
get to give your keynote speech at a function. Prof Kaimenyi
should be worried when a certain Wilson Sossion (Kenya
National Union of Teachers) and Akello Misori (Kenya Union of
Post-Primary Teachers) hold hands and threaten to become
tag team partners. God forbid if the Universities Academic
Staff Union apply to start sharing a set of dentures with
these two! And in the same vein, it is not in the national
governments interest if Francis Atwolis Central Organisation
of Trade Unions and James Mukhwayas Federation of Public
Service Trade Unions heed Kambis advice and work together,
including organising Labour Day as a team! You would want
these guys fully engaged as custodian motor-mouths of the
Tower of Babel, otherwise the demos on the streets of Cairo
and Sao Paulo will appear like a trip to Sunday School.
Who wants Ann Waiguru to start referring to her job in the past tense
merely for being digital? Like all Kenyans, the good lady has grown
extra appendages called mobile phone, tablets and even ipods, ipads
and, er, well, ideas. If we have become accustomed to sacking Kenya
Premier League coaches via SMS (hello coach Nandwa), get our
views to radio talkshows via SMS, send and receive money by SMS,
lie to the world about our whereabouts by SMS, arrange our trysts
with our chips funga and sausage funga treats by SMS and conrm
ight reservations by SMS, what is so undigital about Waigurus SMS?
Nobody needs a sacking letter typed in stencil and replicated in four
copies for an army requisition form. Folks, a sacking letter is not a
State Commendation to be framed for posterity.
Do not tempt me, folks. I will not lose my job just because
you chaps sat in a smoky room and plotted to devolve my
services back to my village. I am as resilient as Wambora,
as combative as Joho, unperturbed as Wako, angry as
Githu and as suave as Kidero, and will not be Chepkwony-
ed. I would rather die rather than capitulate to your evil
schemes targeting my community! I am evergreen and have a
constitutionally-protected human right to hold this job until
the cocks crow for the next round of million-shilling smiles,
helicoptered campaigns and voter-ego massages. I dare you
to utter one wrong word and all the lawyers in my speed dial
will come raining objections down your head.
The law is such a dynamic animal. The colonialist and the architects of
apartheid reached back, deep into the Bibles early chapters to justify
their superiority and God-given agenda to civilise the clueless savages.
But recently, the Catholics made a couple of amendments and the
transition from the late so-and-so to sainthood was as easy as ABC and
voila, we have two brand-new saints! Then soldiers in Thailand dusted
the lawbooks from the museum, and most denitely consulted a very,
very old law scholar, and invoked a 100-year-old law allowing them
to impose martial law. The soldiers are not happy about the racket
of street demonstrations that has lasted six months. Beware though,
since the lessons of history are harsh taskmasters: Every country
where soldiers of citizens have violently uprooted a government, little
good has come of it. If in doubt, please consult almanacs on Somalia,
Egypt, Iraq and Libya. If it is not a clean peoples popular revolt, the
path going forward is paved with some rather sharp glass. Read my
lips
Finally
Hehehe! This China dragon is refusing to blow out its ames
without leaving every bush singed. And following the epic
whistle-stop tour of Africa and ending in Kenya by the
Prime Minister of China, there is suddenly a urry of travel
advisories. This time they have gone further than the usual
template warnings: They dispatched aeroplanes to pick
up their citizens, and spirit them away from the grubby,
explosives-laden ngers of Al Shabaab who appear energised
with some serious Aromat. In fact, it is unbelievable that
they are so smug they are not even bothering to gloat in their
various social media forums after leaving us eeing from malls
and blaming it on tinted windows!
other lines in that anthem that
the leaders lling every top pub-
lic ofce in Kenya with members
of their communities, and the
airheads beating war drums on
social media when the truth is
they are too cowardly to kill a rat
and only expect peasants to kill
each other, have never heard of.
Here, take a read: Let all with
one accord, in common bond
united, build this our nation to-
gether
So there we are. We all fart at
justice, but still expect it to be
our shield and defender when
it suits us. We care nothing for
unity and peace, and only ex-
pect plenty to be found within
our pockets because our sense
of service is endeavored towards
self and tribe, and, only rarely,
nation.
We are more disparate than
the fragmented clans of Somalia,
yet we stand at attention, stare at
the ag and lie that in common
bond united, we shall build this
nation together; that the glory of
Kenya and the fruit of our labour
will ll every heart with thanks-
giving.
The glory of Kenya? Which
Kenya? The fruit of our labour?
Which labour? You call steal-
ing public money labour? And
Thanksgiving? How, when every
heart is lled with virulent, eth-
nic hatred?
Yours Truly
T
here is a nondescript pub
not far from the city centre
that looks cheap but isnt.
True, the prices are pocket
-friendly, the boiled meat is
mouth-watering and chances of
some wench slipping toxins into
your drink are zero.
It owes status from the cali-
bre of bar patrons a high court
judge here, a former PS there, an
MP, a major tycoon, a Japanese
tourist poking at the entrails of a
goat and occasionally, a serious,
tough, issues-oriented journal-
ist such as this writer.
TENSION ROSE
And so it was that when I
turned up to partake the fruits
of my labour, a man of great
eminence sat at the next table
speaking loudly on his Sh90,000
mobile phone.
He rubbished the govern-
ment. He blasted the president,
his deputy, all their silly poli-
cies and made it clear we were
Story of the Kigeugeu drunkard
living in the most perilous place
on earth, a country going to the
dogs because of inept leader-
ship.
H we slammed certain infa-
mous Supreme Court rulings,
made pointed reference to sto-
len elections and dissected eco-
nomic theories.
The tension in the pub rose.
Patrons began dgeting. And
from the corner of my eye, I
espied three gentlemen sitting
at his table rise one by one and
melt into the night. I didnt blame
them for cowardice. I have seen
pistols tucked into waistbands at
this pub.
And then you know what? I
realised the buggers phone was
not blinking, meaning all this
time, he had been speaking to
himself!
SAME BUGGER
When I left, I was sure I had
met an avowed opposition stal-
wart. Now picture my shock
when I turned up two weeks
later and found the same bugger
deep in the throes of conversa-
tion with men whose foreheads
were imprinted Mt Kenya.
Guess what our man was do-
ing? Praising the Jubilee govern-
ment and its captains, UK and
Bill, to the heavens as fantastic
leaders with great foresight!
I would love to know what Ki-
geugeu drinks.
Page 6 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
politicallyincorrect/ A skewed look at the political scene
By PETER WANYONYI
I
t has always been a tragic
accident of history to be
born South Sudanese, or
so it seems. The people of
that wretched country have
known some of the most brutal
suffering in Africa, a continent
with no shortage of bad superla-
tives. But even by Africas cheer-
less standards, South Sudan is in
particularly in bad shape, which-
ever way you look at it.
The civil war between the gov-
ernment and the forces of former
vice president Riek Machar has
continued unabated, despite the
ceasere signed in Addis Ababa
a couple of weeks ago.
The two parties to the conict
are blaming everyone but them-
selves: President Kiir blames
the United States, Sudan, and
Ethiopia. Machars rebels blame
Uganda, Eritrea, Kenya and
China. President Kiir claims
the West wants to wrest control
of South Sudans oil resources
from the Chinese, while Machar
claims the exact opposite.
PROXY CONFLICT
At least the two parties ap-
pear to agree on one thing: that
the war appears to be a proxy
conict, Africas rst overt re-
source war fought, as usual, by
Africans on behalf of their for-
eign masters.
As the two exchange artillery
rounds and accusations, death
and state failure have South Su-
dan in their grip. Five million
people just over half the coun-
trys population are ofcially
without food, and they need aid
immediately.
For the rst time in 20 years
anywhere in the world, the Red
Cross will undertake air drops
of food and medical supplies, to
help prevent mass starvation.
Half a million people have
ed South Sudan since the ght-
ing began in December, with
most headed for Kenya and
Uganda. They include, rather
annoyingly, the families of Mr
When a leader stands up
in public and calls another
leader a thief, it is important
that there should be evidence
of that. When the name-caller
then goes ahead to call his
target a liar and a cheat,
it stops being a leadership
contest and becomes a
personal attack. This is
not necessarily bad, if it is
limited to policies, but to call
a person names like those is
despicable. Granted, leaders
are expected to have a thick
skin and the stomach
for mudslinging. But
villagers know that
when a handshake goes
beyond the elbow, it
has become something
else.
Kiir and Mr Machar, both groups
living happily in Nairobi. One of
Mr Kiirs sons was even arrested
for drunken antics in Nairobi.
The ghting has ensured that
South Sudans farmers have not
been able to prepare their elds
for the planting season. The long
rains begin this week and, in this
angry land, even the rain falls
with anger.
Entire states will be rendered
impassable and inaccessible,
and those marooned without
food will starve in, ironically, a
Loudmouths might just ruin the good
campaign to end corruption, tribalism
red at the Kibera Constituency
Cord rally 8 days ago. Cord poli-
ticians took a lot of delight in
calling President Uhuru and his
government some rather sala-
cious names, as is expected from
an opposition party.
But somewhere in the bonho-
mie that characterised the ener-
gised addresses, a few crossed the
line of competitive enthusiasm
and into slander and perhaps
worse. This is a sign of idleness.
Cord must know such reckless-
ness puts off some of their ri-
vals and liberals who thought
they had valid arguments. And
as a result, the few who woukd
have joined such a cause dismiss
them.
The political closed season is
upon us, and the waheshimiwa
are completely idle. They have
no bills to pass, no money to
spend, and nothing to do.
This, perhaps more than
most, is testimony to how spoilt
the Kenyan politician is. Lacking
anything to do when not dream-
ing up Bills to determine who
can be called Your Excellency,
our idle MPs and senators are
inciting, conniving, lying, and
even some say doing a little
fornicating on the side.
Kenyans always wonder why
political positions are not part-
time. If ever more evidence was
needed for this, the rally at Kib-
era was it.
Famine, death stalk South Sudan
p
u
n
c
h
l
i
n
e
K
enya loves a good poli-
tician, and the more
rabble-rousing the
Mheshimiwa, the more
we cheer and laugh and
have a good time. This is the
beauty of democracy, however
awed ours might be.
But politicians are nimble li-
ars. They say one thing, and do
another. Our waheshimiwa will
be the rst in line to sing the
praises of our education system,
while their own children go to
class in expensive foreign-curri-
cula schools. The Mheshimiwa
might be the minister of
Health, but when he falls
sick, you will not nd him
at Shauri Moyo dispensa-
ry: he will scoot off to the
United States for proper
medical care.
Our political atmosphere
is rather febrile at the moment.
And the opening salvos in the
annual political silly season were
lush green paradise overgrown
with inedible plants and teeming
with wildlife.
A measure of blame for this
coming famine in South Sudan
must go to neighbouring coun-
tries.
When the photos of emaciat-
ed kids with distended stomachs
and ies buzzing around their
eyes and nostrils emerge, the
people of Kenya and of Uganda
must remember that their own
governments have had a starring
role to play in the misfortunes
that stalk South Sudan.
Juba is practically a client
State of Kenya and Uganda, and
without our indulgence, they
would not even exist. Bringing
pressure to bear on Mr Kiir and
Mr Machar is easy: a threat to
expel their families who would
not be accepted as refugees in
the West from Nairobi and
seize their considerable assets in
Kenya would very quickly bear
results.
The United States raised
the possibility of the two fac-
ing charges of crimes against
humanity at the International
Criminal Court, but we know this
is no longer as potent a threat as
before.
Cutting off weapons supplies
and banning the travel of their
dignitaries would also help.
In the end, though, this is Af-
rica: we will do nothing, and the
wretched of South Sudan will be
rmly in the Grim Reapers sights.
Africa at its uncaring worst.
CRAZY MONDAY / Page 7
Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
By PHILIP ORWA
A
man in Ranen, Migori
County used a chain
saw to seriously injure
the leg of a man he
caught red-handed in
his house, fooling around with
his wife.
The man, a lumberjack, had
received reports from friends
and neighbours about a boda
boda man who was in the habit
of visiting his house in his ab-
sence. And he had been suspect-
ed of having an affair with the
mans wife.
Tired of being a laughing
stock of his neigbourhood, the
lumberjack decided to lay a trap
to catch the boda boda rider. He
lied to his wife that he had been
hired to do some work at a tim-
ber yard in the neighboring Mig-
ori County, and was to spend a
couple of days there.
TWO-TIMING
Min Otiato, athi Migori baro
yien, koro aweni eluf achiel ma
oromi nyaka Friday aduogi, itii gi
pesani maber nyar Kanyamkago,
Husband injures man
with chainsaw over
secret affair with wife
iwinjo? (I am headed to Migori
for a tree-felling job. Im leav-
ing you with this Sh1,000, I hope
it is enough to take care of you
and my son, till the day I return.
Kindly use the money wisely
daughter of Kanyamkago, is that
okay?) the man instructed his
wife.
Once the man had left that
morning, at around midmorning
his two-timing wife invited her
boda boda boyfriend over.
He was tipped off by a neig-
bour about the presence of the
boda boda rider in his house,
prompting him to lay an am-
bush. He arrived in time to nd
his wife busy preparing tea and
frying eggs for the boda boda
rider, who was watching TV.
He left his chain saw outside
the door, and gently pushed the
door, perhaps hoping to nd
them in a compromising posi-
tion. He found the boda boda
rider dressed in a white vest
comfortably lying on his back, as
if he was in his house.
Noticing that he was facing
away from him, the man got a
rope from his tool box and be-
gan tying the rider who, interest-
ingly, kept on giggling, perhaps
thinking it was his lover pulling
a romantic stunt on him. Mo-
ments later, after it became ap-
parent that his hands were be-
ing tied, the shocked boda boda
rider jerked upright, and began
squirming nervously. Unfortu-
nately, it was too little too late;
his hands had been tied to the
arm of the chair.
TERRIFIED WOMAN
Just when he was still kick-
ing and asking why he was being
tied, the mans wife arrived from
the kitchen, humming and car-
rying a ask full of tea and eggs.
Immediately she saw the scene
in the living room, she panicked
and dropped the food. Her (dan-
gerously) calm husband began
asking her to explain what the
boda boda rider was doing in the
house.
The terried woman con-
fessed that indeed the boda boda
rider had been hitting on her.
Unfortunately for the boda
boda rider, the womans hus-
band only gave him two options;
to be killed or to have one of his
limbs cut off.
The riders desperate at-
tempts to apologise, promis-
ing never to fool around with
the mans wife fell on deaf ears.
The man reached for the chain
saw, started it and directed it to
the riders legs as he kicked and
screamed. The womans hus-
band left the house with the rid-
er bleeding and writhing in pain.
The shocked woman took the
rider to a nearby hospital, and
has since gone missing, fearing
for dear life after it emerged that
police had picked up the case.
offthewall/Strange, weird but true tales that happen in Kenya
By PHILIP ORWA
R
esidents of Moulem Estate
in Kisumu were recently
left in stitches when a
woman who had come
to a funeral unashamedly
whipped out of her handbag
a plate, cup and a spoon after
the said cutlery ran out at meal
time.
As it is the custom in Nyanza,
meals must be served at funer-
als, as a way of celebrating the
departed soul. Thus, this partic-
ular one was not any different. A
relatively well known man had
passed on. And this called for an
elaborate and dignied sendoff
that saw locals throng his home-
stead a couple of days before his
burial.
As usual, meals had been pre-
pared in plenty. Locals witnessed
quite a number of strange be-
haviours. First, there were those
who, probably from distant
places, arrived and immediately
they were done wailing, wiped
their tears and headed straight
to the tent where food was be-
ing served. In one particular in-
cident, a mourner made a grand
entrance; she uncontrollably
wailed, rolled on the ground,
Shock as mourner carries own plate, spoon to funeral
dirtying herself as she eulogised
the departed man.
She praised him, expressing
grief and how much the local-
ity would miss his kindness and
generosity. Soon after wards, she
dusted herself and made a bee-
line for the improvised kitchen
under a tent, where meals were
being served. Minutes later,
she emerged with a mountain
of nyoyo (mixture of beans and
maize), and a cup of tea.
MOURNERS SALIVATE
On the nal day, the bereaved
had hired the services of an out-
side catering company. They
had prepared sumptuous nyoyo,
tea and ugali seved with beef for
special visitors, whose aroma
made most of the mourners sal-
ivate, completely ignoring the
eulogies read.
What shocked the residents
was the gusto with which one
particular mourner whipped out
a plate and other cutlery, when
she was told all the plates avail-
able had run out. Apenjou jow-
adwa, tinde ji Biro e liel nyaka
gi plate, e liel yawa? (Let me ask
you brethren, nowadays people
come to funerals with plates?
wondered a shocked mourner.
The world could be coming
to an end my friends, if people
can carry such things to a fu-
neral, it seems some people only
come to funerals to eat? asked
another mourner.
Osiepna, thurwa kae, jii nya-
ka chiem ee liel. manga duong
kothoo,nyaka gweno, dhiang gi
diek nyaka yang mar jomaobiro
ee liel. (My friend, around here,
people believe in eating in funer-
als. And when a big person dies,
you will always hear of plans to
slaughter bulls, chickens, goats
and sheep for the expected large
number of mourners that is sure
to grace the burial), answered
the other mourner.
He added: The bigger the
name the bigger the food bud-
get. So much is the emphasis
that is put on food that in some
instances, we have a committee
that ensures food is in plenty,
even if it means doing a fund-
raiser, otherwise people will for-
ever gossip about the bereaved,
claiming he/she starved them!
Page 8 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
thisstrangeworld
Tale of parents disowned and rejected by own children
N
o one chooses his or
her parents. Some
are born to abusive
fathers. And some to
fathers who disappear never to
be seen again, save for the odd
occasion the child becomes a
star or a millionaire. Then the
father can shamelessly crawl out
of the woodwork.
Mothers, who are generally
caring and are every childs best
friend, can also be abusive and
meddlesome in their childrens
affairs, driving the child away.
There are many men whose
marriages have been irreversibly
compromised by their mothers.
For families that are fairly func-
tional, children do turn up just
ne.
However sometimes things
can go awry, driving parents and
children apart. I n
some of
t hes e
c a s -
e s ,
c h i l -
dren have
turned against
their parents, and
even hated and dis-
owned them. The reasons
range from refusal to give a son
or daughter a piece of land, or
giving them a desolate, swampy
piece to denying them shares in
a family business. Other include
refusal to help them pay dowry,
or disapproving of their spouses.
CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
Dr James was born out of
wedlock. His mother was a stu-
dent then. She was forced to get
married to the man who im-
pregnated her. Much later, her
tastes and preferences changed
and she fell out of love with the
man. She got married to another
man. Unfortunately, Jamess real
father married another woman
who mistreated him so much
that his grandparents took him
to live with them. In an inter-
esting turn of events, James be-
came very successful, and all of
a sudden his father and mother
crawled out of the woodwork
and began stalking him. They
started to politely ask for hand-
outs and nancial support from
him. But the horrifying child-
hood memories that still haunt
James to date cannot allow him
to forgive them.
They even teamed up at
some point (they dont live to-
gether), and went looking for
him, perhaps with intentions
of reuniting, but James turned
to the outside world. Does she
look forward to ever meeting her
father?
Never. I have no feelings for
him. I will lead my life and make
my money, God willing, she
says. If her words are hesitant,
her gaiety isnt. It betrays her
hard feelings towards the man
who raised her in the formative
years of her life.
Nemwel
them away, in fact on two occa-
sions, a tipster tells this writer.
He proceeds to add that Jamess
dad once paid him an impromp-
tu visit and when James turned
hostile to him, he threatened to
curse him by undressing. How-
ever, the threat bore no fruits.
James has cut his links with them
completely, and wants nothing
to do with them.
Nancy Nafulas case is not
very different. She is a daughter
of one of the wealthiest men in
Western Kenya. Throughout her
childhood, she was protected
from the outside world by her
tough father, an allegedly semi-
illiterate man, known for his
shrewd business mind. His chil-
dren rarely interact with the out-
side world.
POOR LIFE
Nancy wanted out as soon as
she discovered that her father al-
ways used his money to control
them. To make matters worse,
she fell pregnant while in
high school. Upon
realising that she
was going to
lead a miser-
able life,
s h e
o p t -
e d o u t
o f t he
fam-
il.
S h e
g o t
mar-
r i e d
t o
the fa-
ther of
the child
and leads
a modest life
hundreds of
kilometres from
her home. She has
never seen her fa-
ther eye-to-eye for six
years.
At home we were
comfortable; we never
lacked anything. But we never
had any freedom and we were all
at the mercy of our father. Now I
lead a relatively poor life but Im
free from my controlling father,
explains Nancy.
To her, the old man might be
a millionaire, but he is a poor
excuse of a parent. Most of her
siblings have had to toe the line
in order to benet from him
but have relatively poor social
skills due to lack of exposure
It is shocking how some children, for
one reason or the other, turn against
their parents and even disown them,
writes SILAS NYANCHWANI
Ouma* left his Kendu Bay home
in 2008 after the post-election
violence and has never set foot
in their homestead. He cannot
stand the sight of his father. Rea-
son? Her father is a dictator and
as a child he did not like the way
he treated his mother and his
other siblings.
As a child, you can stand cer-
tain things because
y o u
have
n o
CRAZY MONDAY / Page 9
Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
thisstrangeworld
Tale of parents disowned and rejected by own children
alternative. But as an adult, and
a university-educated individual
at that, you cannot, he says.
Nemwel insists that adults
should learn to stand up to abu-
sive parents without fear of being
cursed or appearing rude. Some
ignore and hope that prayer and
death can solve these things.
Only death can permanently end
an abusive upbringing. But scars
linger on forever, explains
the Bachelor of Science
(in Botany) graduate
from the Univer-
sity of Nairobi. For
him, it is ofcially
done; he does
not want to
see his old
man. Period.
And he does
not mince
his words.
TROU-
BLING HER
U n -
like the
two who
have fell
out with
their fa-
t h e r s ,
N a o m i
G e s a r e
fell out
with her mother with serious re-
percussions. The A-plain student
from a national school had been
admitted to the University of
Nairobi to pursue a prestigious
degree course back in 2006. At
the time she was dating a man
that her family more so her
mother and society at large,
frowned upon.
Her boyfriend was an
average student in
high school and
was in one of
those anony-
mous colleg-
es in town
p u r s u i n g
a clichd
course that
Na o mi s
mo t h e r
had low
o p i ni o n
of. Her
m o t h e r
thought she
d e s e r v e d
better, and
that it was her
post-teenage
clamour for
i nde pe n-
dence
and freedom that were troubling
her.
She started meddling in
Naomis personal affairs. Naomi
is a ercely independent lady
who is willing to stick with her
preferences, for better or for
worse. By her second year, she
was pregnant with the rejected
boyfriends child and the two
had resolved to get married in a
wedding that was neither sanc-
tioned nor blessed by her moth-
er. She resumed her studies and
did graduate a year later than
scheduled. On her graduation
day, she snubbed her mother.
She had made up her mind,
the fact that her mother, a
widow, had struggled to see
her through the national
school notwithstanding.
She is still happily mar-
ried, and employed, but
never sees eye-to-eye with
her mother.
No one interferes with my
personal affairs. It is not just
my mother I have severed ties
with. Everyone who tries to in-
terfere with my life pursuits has
to be thrown out, the petite lady
explains.
There
are reasons why children be-
come estranged or disown their
parents. Sociologists have argued
that poor parenting is the com-
mon cause of the inexplicable
separation.
If one parent is abusive and
disrespectful towards the other,
children notice these things and
this determines how they deal
with them as adults, and that is
why you see some moving away
from their parents as adults,
says Douglas Kanguru, a Univer-
sity of Nairobi sociologist.
He further notes that abusive,
dictatorial and domineering fa-
thers are the ones that children
run away from, sometimes for
good.
Some fathers abuse their
children by whipping them,
sexually or denying them basic
needs in life. It can impact badly
especially on the sexually abused
women. Some even end up hav-
ing bad relationships with men
in future. Other studies have
indicated that some can seek to
change their sexual orientation,
says Kanguru.
WHITE-COLLAR JOBS
It is even worse when parents
want to control their children in
every facet of their lives.
Some parents control their
children too much. Like when
they determine what they
should study and what ca-
reer their children should
pursue. The artistic and
the athletic are the
most challenged be-
cause many parents
have put a higher
premium on white-
collar jobs as op-
posed to the arts
or sports. So
fathers and
mothers op-
pose the
d r e a m s
of their
children,
mo s t l y
you see
t h e m
d i s a p -
pearing
as was
the case
with a
c e r t a i n
t e e n a g e
artiste from
Mombasa who ran
away from his parents,
never to be reunited with them
for over a decade, adds Kan-
guru.
The sociologist also says that
polygamy can estrange children.
When a father goes for a second
wife, they mostly neglect the rst
family and this can create rebel-
lion, mostly spearheaded by the
rst wife. He concludes by ad-
vising parents to be very careful
with the kind of treatment they
give their children.
Page 10 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
She wants my money
Early this year I reconnected with an
old ame I went to college with. We
began dating. Recently she asked me for
some money to buy a dress to attend a
wedding. I told her I was broke, seeing
as I had just paid school fees for my
kid brother. She told me not to call her,
unless I send the cash. I love her, what do
I do? Craig, Nairobi
I have one question for you, are you
this girls father? It is not your duty
to provide her with nancial support.
Stop wasting your time on this one,
she is only after a walking ATM
(which I dont think you are) and not a
relationship.
An old ame returns
Three years ago I was in a relationship
which broke up, and I forgot about it.
Now she is back and wants us to get back
together. If I accept this request, can this
relationship work again? Please help.
Tagaya, Nairobi
You need to reect and nd out why
you broke up in the rst place. After
which, decide if you can now live with
those reasons. And remember people
never change!
My girlfriend cheated on me
My girlfriend and I have been dating for
a year. She is the perfect one for me and
I love her very much. I want her to be
in my life forever. I have met her family
and she has met my family and they love
her. However, recently she called me up
crying and told me that she had gone out
with friends and gotten so drunk that she
ended up sleeping with another man. She
has begged me to forgive her but I do
not know what to do. Please help. Rob,
Nairobi
Whatever you decide please
remember that not everyone cheats
when they are drunk, its just an
excuse!
Boyfriend ended
relationship, no explanation
I have been dating my boyfriend for a
while now and everything seemed like
it was going well but last week he sent
a text message, saying he wanted to
break up because he could not be in
a relationship with me anymore even
though he loved me. I am so confused.
Should I wait until he is ready? Please
help. Cathy, Mombasa
A text is a cowards way of ending a
relationship. You need to let go of this
confused man, do not be fooled by
the I love you bit. It has been put
to confuse you and to stop you from
moving on. If he loved you like he
claims, he would stay and not dump
you via text.
Reach Dr love on
fabulousfeminista@gmail.com
Cupids arrow
feminist/WITH ANNE MUIRURI
High time arrogant female bosses stopped humiliating men
chauvinist/WITH NIKKO TANUI
Tips on how to seek apology from a woman
T
here is a crop of couples
I cannot stand; those
who differ and air their
dirty linen in public. To
me that is as embarrassing as air-
ing torn and smelly panties out-
side on a communal hanging line
for everyone to see.
Some people for some strange
reason like to think that they are
the only ones with problems, and
that everyone wants to hear about
them.
People should learn to sort out
their differences the old school
way; like our parents used to. Older
folk in days gone by, when faced
with differences, always dealt with
them in hushed tones and in the
privacy of their bedroom.
PUBLICALLY APOLOGISING
Last Monday I was going
through the newspapers in an
attempt to get some inspiration,
and to shake off my Monday blues.
But lo and behold, I stumbled
upon a notice of a husband
publicly apologising to his wife
and her family.
Huh! Romantic? I think not!
To me that was more like further
humiliation to the poor woman,
considering her full names were
published for all and sundry.
Virtually everyone, including those
who didnt know about the matter
got to know about it.
Can you imagine what her
colleagues said, or whispered
behind her back when she was
passing by? Or the humiliating
phone calls she received from
family, friends and, of course, from
O
ver the last few days,
the talk around town
has been dominated
by how a prominent
Kenyan was allegedly red through
a text message by his female boss.
Dear friends and readers, I
would not want to delve into the
details of whether the allegation
are true or not. At least if they were
not true, knowing women, she
could have come out shouting and
proving that she never send the
SMS. So far, she has not done so.
Nonetheless, the allegations
bring to mind how some men have
suffered humiliation in the hands
of the female boses.
See, it takes only a slight
provocation by a man to draw the
wrath of such bosses. Believe me;
some powerful women derive
pleasure in humiliating men.
You think Im kidding? Not long
ago, a picture of a female Cabinet
Secretary, humiliating her body
guard by subjecting him to carry
her handbag went viral.
Surely, do you have to do that
the udaku squad (nosy neighbours,
workmates, sister etc.) nosing
around for information.
It must have been one hell of
an embarrassing Monday for the
poor woman. And probably when
the said husband was making the
gesture he probably thought it was
a brilliant idea.
Well fear not, for those who
do not know the dos and donts of
apologising to a woman, listen here.
(I happen to be a self-proclaimed
connoisseur on what is proper and
improper in such matters).
PRIVATE MATTERS
If you did not know, now you
do: public apologies regarding
private matters like a marriage or a
relationship are in bad taste, if you
ask me.
Why? Because they are
manipulative and insincere. Men
who indulge in this kind of public
displays are just trying to pull the
public sympathy card, plus it is
very embarrassing for the parties
involved.
This are the same men who are
in the habit of showing women
public display of affection, just
a way of assuaging their guilt. (I
pretty much do not care about
public displays of affection.
I have no qualms about
individuals who think they are the
most romantic couples around
town and thus chose to, for
instance, exchange saliva in public!
Im just saying!
But if a man is sincere he should
apologise one on one by word
and with a card and do something
to men? Just because you have
power, maam? Little wonder then
that some men are against the idea
of women ever transcending to
certain powerful positions for fear
of either being sat on or urinated
upon!
How I wish you saw how
majestic the said Cabinet Secretary
was walking, like she owned the
world.
To me, a womans handbag or
purse is a personal accessory that
no man should even be allowed to
touch. I mean, this is where some
women keep all manner of strange
things?
You can imagine what would
happen if the poor man whom
she forces to carry the big heavy
Nitalala wapi bag slips and falls
down, leaving the content of the
handbag all over the place? Picture
the man running after the contents
and throwing them back in the bag!
Embarrassing.
Related to this kind of women
are the lazy type who draw devilish
thrill in hiring male house workers,
whom they order around and
even ask to wash their most inner
clothes.
See, it is time someone told some
of these kind of women to stop
drawing primitive joy in harassing
and humiliation men.
More importantly, such types
should keep in mind that the man
they humiliate are other womens
husbands and have families, too.
More importantly, they should
keep in mind that the public, and
more importantly men, watch their
moves. And men are never amused
with such behavious.
Simply put, female bosses must
learn to behave themselves. They
are not the best thing to ever happen
since sliced bread. We know there is
fun in humiliating a man, but is it
really necessary?
for apologising but there are things
that cannot be forgiven.
Women I have learnt can forgive
a man for anything and everything
and some men take advantage of
this, but every woman has a line
and once that line is crossed that
man she once loved will no longer
exist in her mind, soul or heart.
romantic. But when you hurt a
woman so much that she refuses to
see or hear from you then you have
to work very hard, and stop talking.
You must rst change and let
her see that you have changed,
no cheap or theatrics or over the
top tactics will work. An apology,
a card, a rose, or a gift, are perfect
CRAZY MONDAY / Page 11 Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
bulletinends/WITH FERDINAND MWONGELA
I
t is interesting how politics
the world over is at once
different as it is similar.
Nearly everyone has a
few choice words to describe their
politicians. And this all over the
place, be it in UK or Kenya.
Yet, the ways in which some
things are done are completely
different.
This came to me as I sat in a
hotel in Durban, South Africa.
This was at a time when the South
African electorate was waiting
to know who had been elected
President. But the results were so
far in favour dancing president,
Jacob Zuma, and ANC.
I was here for Indaba 2014,
dubbed Africas top travel show. I
hear Indaba means gathering, and
a gathering it was, but I digress.
Taking a walk down the street,
you would hardly know this was
a county that had just had an
election whose results were yet to
be announce.
In contrast to scenes witnessed
in our own local situation where
One continent, different worlds
everything comes to a standstill,
even the local mama mboga
(grocers) warily opens her wares,
strategically placed so she can
pick up the same faster than those
Nairobi hawkers collect here wares
when the word kanjo rents the air.
Apart from a few strategically
placed posters and one or two
billboards on the elections, this
was business as usual. And even
these were mostly towards the
townships.
Thousands of delegates from
around the world poured into
Durban without second-guessing
their travel itineraries due to the
electoral process.
FREEDOM FIGHTERS
And when one Zuma was
announced President, Julius
Malema, the bad boy of South
African politics and whose party
(yes he broke away from ANC)
Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF)
lost the election, accepted the
results.
And urged members to refrain
from violence, and congratulated
the winners. This was despite a few
claims of irregularities.
Sitted in the heart of the Zulu
Kingdom, I could not help but
admire this.
Contrast this approach to the
stocking up of foodstuff and other
the upgrade of Zumas Nkandla
residence using taxpayers money.
Still down south, word is
Malema is spoiling for a ght. He
wants to wear a red overall and
beret to parliament. He claims:
They (parliamentarians) wear
suits and they are lazy.
L
ast week almost saw the
school hall degenerate
into a boxing ring. This
was during the inter-
rogation of the students who had
reported to school drunk on open-
ing day. Their suspension had led to
heightened tension. Even Okonkwo
who traditionally disappears every
Friday after morning assembly has
been in the compound through-
out.
Rumour mongers led by madam
Schola added fuel to the tension.
There were whispers of Okonkwo
facing imminent disciplinary action.
Socs, you and Magarita had better
start preparing your defense since
you were on duty, she whispered
to me in a conspiratorial tone.
Some parents had gone to
the county directors ofce with a
heap of complaints. They alleged
the principal had suspended over
a hundred innocent students for
drinking soda in the compound
and that he was even forcing boys
to wear girls skirts.
Okonkwos had even received
a call from a child rights society
wanting to know why he was forcing
boys to wear skirts. His explanation
that only one boy had worn a skirt
for a few minutes as punishment
for bringing the items to school fell
on deaf hears.
The pressure from the County
Directors ofce forced us to recall
the suspended students before the
traditional two weeks period had
expired.
Most of the affected parents
and their kids were in school before
8.00 am last Thursday. The students
who had appeared quite boisterous
only a week before were now quite
subdued as they sat huddled on
the benches outside Okonkwos
ofce. The Meta meta discipline
committee had been in a strategy
meeting since 7.00 A.M.
Vasco Da Gama conducted the
parents and their children to the
school hall. Okonkwo cleared his
throat and graphically described
how the students had reported to
Meta Meta drunk and in possession
of enough alcohol to knock out an
adult elephant.
He further described how
they misbehaved in the school
compound and generally acted in
a manner prejudicial to the good
image of Meta meta.
The parents were shocked. My
daughter has never tasted alcohol
protested a lady parent. She even
teaches Sunday school during
holidays she further claried.
Bensouda took the Girls
le and began reading the girls
confession. She had detailed how
the group had met at Tea room
and bought alcoholic drinks and
transferred the drinks into plastic
soda bottles. I only took a sip, she
said lamely. Her mother let out an
ear piercing scream and collapsed
on the oor. She was conducted to
Madam Margaritas ofce for rst
aid and counseling.
Mwalimu, cane these boys for
us! demanded Timos father who
had all along been quiet. You think
I have money to waste on you?
he shouted walking menacingly
towards Timo.
Mzazi, caning is outlawed
investigations revealed that Timo
had hired and coached someone
to masquerade as his father.
Apparently, he had not
reckoned with the possibility of his
father taking the role literally. In
our desire to clear with the cases
as fast as possible, we had failed
to verify whether we were dealing
with genuine parents.
A spot audit revealed that four
students had hired, coached and
brought fake parents!
Send Mwalimu feedback on
Socratesmwalimu@gmail.com
in schools, answered Vasco Da
Gama. Then with a smile added,
But you can heed the advice of
the holy book on the use of the rod
on your child. Your son was the
brains behind the whole affair, he
concluded.
In a ash, Timos father
unleashed a punch that landed on
the boy and sent shivers down our
spines. At rst, Timo was dazed, and
then in anger shouted, Nirudishie
chapa zangu!
He would have hit his father had
I not stepped between them. What
money are you talking about, asked
Bensouda. He kept quiet. Further
Disciplinary committee busts hired fake parents
ateachersdiary/WITH MWALIMU SOCRATES
essential amenities in Kenya before
elections, and you will realise we
have a long way to go.
And no, it is not all rosy down
here too, you should hear some
South Africans ponticate about
Nkandla. Nkandla is the name that
has been assigned to the furore over
Page 12 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
wemen/WITH TONY MASIKONDE
A
cross many genera-
tions, women have
successfully perpe-
trated the biggest
lie on this planet that men are
pathological liars. The re-spit-
ting feminists went further, and
compared man with his best
friend; the dog. Just imagine!
It is denitely not just men
who lie to women. There are plen-
ty of lies that women too tell men.
Most of the common lies men tell
women are told just to avoid con-
icts, but lying will always cause
problems in a relationship. Here
are some lies that women tell men
but would be unlikely to admit.
MONEY NOT IMPORTANT
Most women would rather
marry for love than money, but
one of the most common lies that
women tell men is that money
does not matter at all. While we
may not choose our partners
based on their income, real lack of
money can make life difcult and
miserable, especially if it stops us
doing what we want in life hav-
ing a family, for example.
OF COURSE, I LIKE YOUR MUM
Many women genuinely like,
and get along with their in-laws.
But those that do not, never ad-
mit it. Telling someone that
you dont like their family (es-
pecially their parents) can be
really offensive. Thus, its not sur-
Lies women tell to please men
prising that many women choose
to lie to their partners about it!
But truth be told, you can
take this to your local benki kwa
jirani or banki mtaani; almost 80
per cent of women detest their
mothers-in-law. What is more in-
teresting is that the women are
also very good at putting up
facades and pretending that
their men hardly notice they
hate their mothers.
Campusrover/WITH BILL ODUNGA
A
while back, whenever
university students
wanted to go on strike,
planning was done in
hushed tones, lest the conspiracy
fell onto the wrong ears. Those
were the dark ages, because if
word got out, ofcers from a spe-
cial police force would pounce on
the students.
A sleep-over at Nyayo House
would inevitably follow, and the
invite did not have the option of
RSVP. You had to go one way or
another. Those were the times
when it was regarded high treason
to speak ill of the powers-that-be.
A slight misconception of your
tone would earn your head a place
on a cold platter or if he was in a
good mood on your day of judg-
ment, you would get a few years in
the cubes.
Clearly, these are not those
days. That is why they even have
the family jewels to announce
early enough that they will be
throwing stones in a week. Some-
time last week, I was added into a
WhatsApp group specically cre-
ated for the May 20 nationwide
demonstration. The allegation
Proper communication needed to tame students wrath
(it is not clear who) sought to also
reduce HELB loan drastically.
The domino effect of these two
rumours was chaos everywhere.
The veracity of the allegations still
cannot be determined as the said
cabinet secretary distanced him-
a football game lasts exactly 93
minutes! Efforts to correct her
bore no fruits because on that
particular day Arsenal FC was
playing some small-time team
that I am not bothered to remem-
ber, and the referee blew the nal
whistle after three added minutes.
See, I told you. Dont think am
a fool, she shrieked with a ciga-
rette hanging down her lips like a
loosely tted tap water.
I DONT MIND COOKING AGAIN
Another lie told by many
women at the beginning of a re-
lationship is that they do not ac-
tually mind doing all of the cook-
ing, washing up and picking up of
dirty underwear and socks. The
patience to lie about this usually
wears off pretty quickly. And very
soon, the man nds himself hav-
ing to scrape his own dirty socks
off of the oor.
There is a certain course I at-
tended, and what emerged is
that modern parents are raising
girls like boys and boys are being
raised like girls. With such a sce-
nario we have overly aggressive
women and men who behave
like sissies.
The modern woman will only
pretend for so long how she en-
joys doing your laundry and the
cooking. But soon you will start
hearing grumbles about the need
to do pizza and take the shirts to
dry cleaners to make them crisp-
clean.
was that the cabinet secretary had
set in motion a policy change that
had the effect on raising universi-
ty fees in general. That is the span-
ner that caused a clog in Kenyas
works last weeks. That coupled
with another allegation that they
anything to do with money. If you
want campus students rampag-
ing mad like bats in a belfry, then
threaten their wallets.
They will place a bounty on
your head. You will be wanted,
dead or alive. They will not care
if you are a high-ranking govern-
ment honcho. They do not bottle
out, they are no respecters of age
or title. That is because a broke
campus student is like a wound-
ed bull, so when they hear that
someone is plotting to rob them,
such a threat is a red cloak.
They will charge. An affront to
their nancial security, whether
real or rumoured, is a capital
offenceand they will look over
hells half acre until they nd the
supposed thief.
The only thing is, according to
the law of comrades, a comrade is
always right.
That is what happened on
May 20. The strike was a knee
jerk reaction of a campus student
whose nancial security had been
threatened.
To them it was, as they say,
personal.
self from the allegation as soon as
the drumbeats of war were heard
in a distance.
Here is the thing about stu-
dents. They cannot let anything
to slide as long as it rocks their
comfort boat. More so if it has
SURE, PUT THE FOOTBALL ON
Plenty of women do enjoy
sports. And that is great. However,
at the beginning of most relation-
ships, women pretend that they
dont mind sitting through endless
hours of sports, when
really they cannot
stand it. It is best
to be honest
from the word
go. Frao once
dated a lady
who admitted
k n owi n g
very little
a b o u t
football.
But she
at least
knew that
CRAZY MONDAY / Page 13
Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
CRAZY MONDAY / Page 13
DIVAS EDITION
EMCEES: K
W
A
M
B
O
X & JEFF M
O
TE
MUSIC BY: DJ E & DJ CRM
E DE LA CRM
E
4
JU
N
E
2
0
14
7
P
M
T
IL
L
L
A
T
E
EN
TR
Y
50
0
SAGE
NAZIZI
AMANI
Page 14 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
Picturespeak Too clever for own good
Trafc police ofcer arrests a Matatu tout along waiyaki way in Westland
for committing trafc offence. The matatu tout tried to escape arrest but
the policeman gave a chase and naly arrested, hand cuffed, and wisked
him away .[PHOTO: JENIPHER WACHIE]
ugandanaffairs/GRACE NAKATO
Drama as wedding
of underage girl to
old man aborts
W
eddings are sup-
posed to be joyous
occasions where
we celebrate the
new couple mov-
ing on to fairy-tale bliss, and liv-
ing happily ever after.
We dress up and the ladies put
on their slinkiest heels and garb
that requires dry cleaning, not
your ordinary bar soap wash. The
men also step out in suits, kanzus
and dancing shoes that are built
for sliding and spinning.
However, from the look of
things, it seems soon we may
be forced to change the garb to
sportswear and perhaps attend
on a full stomach.
TEENAGE PREGANANCIES
Now, the age of consent in
Uganda is 18 years and some
have been lobbying to have it re-
duced to 16 years because of the
number of teenage pregnancies.
It is a grey area because we
shall be issuing identity cards to
16-year-olds because we want
them to vote in the 2016 elec-
tions, but I digress.
In the village, a girl is deemed
to be ripe for marriage when the
body blossoms, and rich men
start taking an interest in her.
So the other day, a Kwanjula
(traditional marriage ceremony)
ended in a steeple chase with
guests proving that with very little
provocation, anyone can be an
athlete and can bring our country
gold.
Basically, police raided a wed-
ding where a 16-year-old was
to wed a 40-year-old man. The
women hoisted their oor-length
dresses and took off their shoes
as they high-tailed through maize
plantations and over fences.
The men, who did not rip their
kanzus or fall over their slippery
soled shoes, also made it home
safe.
Anyone else who did not par-
ticipate in sports in school found
themselves in the back of a very
dirty police pick-up as police were
called to rescue the teenager from
early marriage.
You would expect the Mugole
(bride) would be relieved at the
show of force by the police to save
her from the clutches of a lecher.
The police were doing their bit in
another version of #bringback-
ourgirls.
The Mugole sulked at the res-
cue, and accused jealous neigh-
bours of ruining her future.
The parents were more con-
cerned about keeping the gifts
that the groom and his party had
brought.
GUESTS GRUMBLED
The groom was rich by village
standards and she said she would
rather get married, than stay home
as her father cannot afford to pay
school fees.
The guests grumbled that they
had done nothing wrong in hon-
ouring an invitation to a commu-
nity event, as any good neighbour
would do.
Seeing as the food had already
been paid for, the caterer on the
other hand was contemplating
where to re-sell the food to make
more money, now that everyone
had taken off.
In yet another related case, a
bride collapsed during the recep-
tion party, and was pronounced
dead on arrival at the hospital.
The medics said she was over-
excited and her heart could not
take it. Meanwhile, the wedding
guests could not waste the food;
they ate it as they expressed their
sorrow and eulogised the bride.
CRAZY MONDAY / Page 15
Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
fortheloveofthegame/WITH ANIL BAKARI
MAD WITH SUCCESS: When Gor players got wings to y. UNCAGED: A leopardess comes in many colours.
sportingsnapshots
WINNER TAKES IT ALL: It reminds one of Kenyas politics
fortheloveofthegame/WITH ANIL BAKARI
Ofcial
World Cup
condom is out
T
he ofcial World Cup
condom is now out,
awaiting football lovers
in Brazil.
With the samba
mood set to arouse many in Brazil
in two weeks time when the games
start, the condom is expected to
save lives, according to ofcials of
Protect The Goal campaign.
The World Cup in Brazil is
dubbed the sexiest tournament
ever, with the carnival and samba
atmosphere set to lead to plenty of
promiscuity, Metro Sports quoted
the makers of the gadget as saying.
The condom features the classic
Brazil colours of yellow and green.
And in a related development,
soft drink giant Pepsi has developed
a machine that rewards football lov-
ers.
The company has developed a
vending machine that dispenses its
products after one displays his foot-
ball skills.
All one needs is to dribble or
head the ball in front of the machine
that has a sensor and it will dispense
a drink.
Instead of cash, users must
display a certain amount of skills
using an imaginary ball in front of
motion-sensitive screen to get the
drink, reports Metro Sports.co.uk.
Advanced players, according to
the online paper, can win special
prizes if they enter the games Hall
of Fame mode. There you have it
folks, no going bungee jumping
with a rope. Sheath up!
H
arambee Stars started
their journey to the
2015 Afcon games on
a high, edging out Co-
moros two weekends
ago in a match that reminded Ke-
nyans the boys are still sharp.
Though it was a narrow win,
the game showed that Stars are
keen on revamping their image
by playing good football and win-
ning matches.
For a long time, they have al-
ways been known for playing
good football and losing matches.
And they would blame it on refer-
ees or lack of allowances.
The win, thus, promises die-
hard Harambee Stars fans like
For the Love of the Game, better
times.
However, as we wait for the
glory, Stars fans, particularly
those who throng the stadium to
cheer them, must do the country
one favour wear the teams jer-
sey during matches.
CLUBS JERSYS
Hundreds of fans thronged
Nyayo National Stadium when
Stars played Comoros, but none
put on attire that reected Stars.
One would have thought that
it was a match between Gor Ma-
hia and AFC Leopards.
The blue-stripped jerseys
of AFC and green of Gor Mahia
coloured the terraces of Nyayo
Stadium. Other fans, who neither
the job. FKF ofcials have failed
to market the team by producing
merchandise and selling to foot-
ball fans.
FAN BASE
Harambee Stars has a nation-
al following unlike Gor, AFC or
Ulinzi, which means had FKF had
been willing to sell the teams jer-
seys, it would raise more money
than the clubs.
But the federation ofcials, or
whoever is responsible, do not
care about the image of Haram-
bee Stars and building a fan base
support AFC nor Gor, put on neu-
tral attire.
Now, this points to two obser-
vations. It is either AFC and Gor
fans took their rivalry to the stadi-
um or the fans and others do not
have Stars jerseys.
The latter sounds more cred-
ible because Gor and AFC fans
did not cause mayhem after the
match. So, why should fans have
their clubs jerseys, which they re-
ligiously put on during matches
and fail to wear national teams
attire? Certainly, Football Kenya
Federation (FKF) is sleeping on
Congrats Arsenal FC fans, wait for next trophy after a decade
Tired of Gor, AFC jerseys at
Harambee Stars matches
T
his is the way I wanted to start
this piece, Surprise! Surprise!
Arsenal FC won the FA Cup,
but I realised that is no news.
Because the win happened a
long time ago, and the FA is not a pres-
tigious title, at least its not like the Eng-
lish Premier League.
So, it really bothered me that Arse-
nal FC fans drank themselves silly that
night when the club won that less pres-
tigious cup.
But one has to understand. If you
have never won anything in a decade,
yet you have been playing what pundits
describe as top-ight football, then
any win is important. As they say, hata
mkia ni nyama (even a cows tail can as
well pass for meat).
So, thanks to the win, Arsenal fans on
that night ensured beer never stopped
owing in the bars where they were
watching the match.
In fact, some even attempted to
drink as much beer as they had missed
to compensate the nine-year trophy
drought. They were lucky police did
not mount an alcoblow crackdown that
night.
But looking at the issue soberly, Ar-
senal did not deserve to win the trophy.
Truth be told, Hull City played good
football and had it not been for intimi-
dation from shouting Arsenal fans, they
would not have lost.
All said, congratulations Arsenal fans
and we hope you celebrated enough
because the next trophy will come per-
haps after a decade.
for the team.
It does not make sense that a
fan should put on an AFC or Gor
jersey while cheering Harambee
Stars. Yes, both are our teams, but
Stars is bigger than any club. It is
the face of Kenya when it comes
to football.
FKF should wake up and start
marketing Stars to fans if they
want Kenyans to own the team.
And man, that uniform Stars won
in the match against Comoros
was boring. Red and White? Not so
trendy. Perhaps we should dress
the boys in national ag colours.
Page 16 / CRAZY MONDAY Monday, May 26, 2014 / The Standard
Hamza Babu serves and sips juicy gossip
in the breezy Coastal town of Mombasa
kahawatungu
W
hile patrons were
discussing and
planning a friends
wedding at Kahawa
Tungu, the discus-
sion degenerated into idle chatter.
Just as I was busy serving them
coffee, they began debating the
meaning and signicance of the
hole in the middle of a doughnut.
The hole is there for you to put
your nger in the middle as you
delicately nibble the edges with
your teeth, one of them said.
That is a barefaced lie, coun-
tered another patron, before tak-
ing a sip from his cup.
The hole is put there for the
one eating it to use for viewing
whatever could be happening
around, lest he/she is ambushed
by someone with a sinister mo-
tive, another man claimed.
However, the philosophic dis-
course was interrupted by the ar-
rival of a bevy of skimpily dressed
ladies, who were passing by. All
of them young, and very pretty,
save for the fact that they are self-
confessed hookers in the city of
Mombasa.
The sisters looked disturbed
and they took a corner and or-
dered something to warm their
bare bellies. Someone suggested
that the ladies reveal the secret
behind the mysterious doughnut
hole, and we all waited patiently
for their answer.
QUITE NAUGHTY
Jamani, you men can get quite
naughty. One of the ladies de-
clared. We are having problems
of our own, and doughnuts are the
least favourite topic on our minds
right now, she said.
Apparently, the girls were un-
able to operate in the streets of
Mombasa owing to the heavy po-
lice presence as a result of the re-
cent terror alerts. We get arrested
at every turn and our clients too.
We have been forced to relocate,
When hookers made
chief raid my caf,
mistaking it for brothel
one of them said.
It is a divine sign that you take
time off your busy jobs, suggest-
ed one regular patron of Kahawa
Tungu. The girls agreed and soon
the atmosphere of Kahawa Tungu
was lled with friendly banter as
the male patrons entertained the
girls by buying them coffee.
Hell, however, broke loose
when the area chief and his askar-
is raided the joint, claiming he had
been tipped that Kahawa Tungu
had become a brothel.
It was unfortunate that some
of my badly behaved customers
were actually caught sitting in-
appropriately, with the girls who
were giggling coquettishly like
dumb teenagers.
There is no way am going to
allow this vice in my area, de-
clared the chief, as his askaris at-
tempted to cuff my wrists.
PRE-WEDDING PLAN
Mkubwa, this is my anc and
we were going through the pre-
wedding plans, together with my
close friends. We are not breaking
the law. Are we? a patron asked.
Bwana chief had to admit that
though planning a wedding at a
Kahawa Tungu joint was highly
rare, it was indeed in accordance
with the law.
Luckily for us, the grooms real
wife showed at the door, right at
that moment.
She was taken aback when she
found her husband seated very
close to a known twilight girl. Of
course, she screamed blue mur-
der. The man bolted out of the
door like a bat out of hell with his
wife hot on his heels.
The rest of us were busted and
the chief arrested me, my clients
and the remaining girls.
Spending a night in a dough-
nuthole (jail) in this cold, never
again will I allow doughnut dis-
cussions and behavior in my es-
tablishment.
Monday
7:30pm