A SHORT COURSE

IN RESPECTFUL
CONVERSATION
(FREE)











By Daniel Keeran, MSW, President,
College of Mental Health Counselling

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A Short Course in Respectful Conversation (free)
By Daniel Keeran, MSW, President, College of Mental Health Counselling
www.collegemhc.com

Knowledge and skills in respectful conversation are essential for healthy personal relationships between
two people and in groups, families, and organizations. The course content is useful also for group leaders,
counselors, and others wanting to facilitate the healthy experience of inclusive community and of life
together. The reader or student is invited to complete assignments explained at the end of this description.
FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
The foundation of healthy relationships is based upon the following principles or beliefs:
1. Every human being has equal worth and dignity.
2. Everyone is entitled to his or her feelings and views.
3. Everyone deserves to be treated with the highest regard and importance.

Conflict occurs when the above principles are ignored. If respect for others is maintained, conflict can be
managed in healthy ways.
UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT
Conflict is something that can't be avoided no matter how hard we try. It's inevitable because people are
individuals with different views, feelings, experiences, and ways of perceiving things. And so the object is not
to eliminate conflict, but to try to work with conflict so that it has a positive outcome, such as bringing people
closer or creating new ideas and new possibilities.
People often find conflict to present major challenges. Those challenges are a major part of the life patterns
that often come from a dysfunctional family of origin: from significant unresolved conflict in the parental
relationships or from significant unresolved losses. One may be overly passive or overly aggressive, or a
combination of those behaviours. Ways of relating are often unintentional unconscious compulsions and often
involve not knowing healthy alternatives to reacting out of emotion or habit.
PRINCIPLES OF INCLUSIVE RESPECTFUL CONVERSATION
The first principle of inclusive respectful conversation is that no one has complete understanding of intangible
truths fundamental to human existence and the meaning of life.
The second principle is to extend trust to others, believing that the overwhelming majority of human beings
sincerely want to believe and do what is right and true.
The third principle is that integration and inclusiveness can best be achieved within a framework of respectful
conversation in which all views are enthusiastically welcomed.
The fourth principle is that inclusiveness must be based upon mutual understanding rather than agreement.
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We can be together in conversation when we accept the above principles and are committed to
understanding others points of view even if we remain in disagreement on basic philosophies or worldviews.
PARADIGM FOR INCLUSIVITY
The paradigm of inclusive conversation is the shared value and goal of mutual understanding rather than
agreement.
BENEFITS OF THE PROCESS
The process of working toward inclusive conversation is a worthwhile end in itself because of the following
benefits:
1. Bringing people together from different philosophies and worldviews.
2. Stimulating meaningful discussion.
3. Encouraging respectful conversation in all relationships.
4. Fostering acceptance of the sincerity of others in their life journey.
5. Attracting others to the inclusive conversation message.
6. Providing personal face-to-face interaction and connection as a balance to internet social media.
DISCUSSION GUIDELINES FOR RESPECTFUL CONVERSATION
1. No dominating. Keep comments brief. Over-talking can be interpreted as aggression or a need to control
and dominate others.
2. No name-calling, negative innuendo, sarcastic put-downs or threats of any kind.
3. Before responding to passionate views, try sincerely reflecting others views with whom you disagree.
4. Keep your voice volume normal and avoid shouting, yelling, pointing, or pounding your fist.
5. Ask others what they are saying rather than tell them what they are saying. Dont put words in others
mouths.
6. Avoid directing anger toward others, especially those with whom you disagree.
Be consciously aware of five communication styles: passive, assertive, aggressive, passively aggressive, and
destructive.
PASSIVE STYLE
The passive style tries to avoid a conflict. He is very agreeable. A sense of what he feels is subtle, and you or he
may not really know what he feels. He is almost a non-person. You find it difficult to really get to know him. He
may be a doormat. He may be agreeable or apologize prematurely. He'll avoid conflict at all cost. He keeps
things nice. He won't express his own true feelings. He'll have a "nice" front with a capital N-I-C-E etched on
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his forehead. He may not be able to make eye contact very well. His body language will be demonstrated by
maybe slouching in the seat, not being able to sit up straight and look others in the eye.
The person who has a passive style is behaving as if he doesn't believe that he has equal worth to others. He
behaves as if he's not entitled to his own feelings and views and isn't entitled to be treated with respect. If
you call him names or put him down, he won't stand up for his right to be treated with respect. He may just
put his head down, or tuck his tail between his legs, so to speak. He may even agree with the person who
labels him, or calls him names. He may also put himself down and call himself stupid.
AGGRESSIVE STYLE
The aggressive style may be defined as pushy, loud, dominating, and inconsiderate. He wants what he wants,
and he may even order you to get it for him or do it for him. He may be obnoxious in a demanding, ordering
way.
So he may accuse and blame other people, pointing the finger. The aggressive individual behaves as if he alone
has worth, and you don't. He behaves as if he alone is to be treated with respect, but he'll treat you with
disrespect. He'll behave as if only he is entitled to his feelings and views; only he is entitled to be treated
with respect. So he'll dominate the time. He'll interrupt you if you are talking, or he just won't leave you any
space for your point of view. He'll insist that he's right and you're wrong.
Deep down inside the aggressive individual is very insecure and afraid, and has low self-worth. He has very low
ego strength. If he had a stronger sense of himself, he wouldn't have to be so pushy.
Aggressive behaviour is often protecting a weak sense of self, a weak ego. The bully is a classic example.
PASSIVELY-AGGRESSIVE STYLE
A variation on aggressive style is passively aggressive style, which is demonstrated by the indirect or passive
expression of hostility. When protesters lie down in front of whatever they're protesting, or refuse to move,
this is passive aggression. Passive resistance is passive aggression. When I was in the army I was told to scrape
the wax off the floor and to strip the floor in the hallway. Well, I was in there against my choice. I was drafted,
and I was a conscientious objector, so when I was given that task, I deliberately worked on one square inch for
the whole day. I accepted the task, but not gladly. That was passive aggressive behaviour. I resented being
forced into the army and being given those tasks.
Deliberately burning the toast at breakfast is another example. Sabotaging, undermining, talking about people
behind their backs are all passive aggressive behaviours. So these people don't really speak their feelings
directly. They may use a punitive silence, or refuse to speak to somebody for a long period of time.
The cold shoulder is passive aggressive, as also is walking away from a person when he is talking, or yawning
in your face, or similar behaviour.
DESTRUCTIVE STYLE
Destructive style is characterized by hitting, throwing, name-calling, threats, yelling and screaming. It includes
any behaviour that is destructive of property, of self-esteem, of the sense of safety, or physically of a person's
body. Name-calling is a good example, and so is using judgmental terms to demean a person. Sarcastic put
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downs are destructive because they imply a label of stupidity, ignorance, or something similar: "Where were
you when they passed out the brains?"
This style generally results from a very dysfunctional home where there is physical or mental violence, sexual
abuse, lack of parental discipline and permissiveness. It may result from that style being exhibited or
demonstrated in the home. You may find all these styles prominently displayed in a dysfunctional home
except for assertive style.
ASSERTIVE STYLE
Assertive style is being able to be clear, direct, brief, and non-judgmental. The assertive individual behaves as
if he believes everyone is entitled to his feelings and views; everyone deserves respect; everyone has equal
worth. He believes: "You're entitled to your view, I'm entitled to my view," and therefore he is brief. He'll state
his case, but he'll want to know what your point is too; he'll give you equal time. He'll be clear about his
feelings. He'll use the first person "I" in making personal statements of his own feelings and views using feeling
words: "I feel annoyed," "I feel sad," "I feel afraid when you do this." And when he describes your behaviour
he's not going to use judgmental terms. He's just going to give a non-judgmental description of your
observable behaviour: "You don't take accurate phone messages..." not "You're so inconsiderate..."
ORIGINS OF COMMUNICATION STYLES
As we look at the development of these styles, we can see that some of the unhealthy behaviours, the
destructive style and others, are modeled on what was experienced in the family of origin and sometimes are
a reaction against experiences in the family of origin.
If in the family of origin there is physical violence, a person may decide that anger is no good because anger is
only destructive, so he'll develop a passive style to keep his anger in. But then he may have explosive
outbursts at times because if he keeps his anger in about things, the tension may build up to the point where
he can't take it any longer, and then he spews out name-calling, threats, or other destructive behaviours. And
then that only proves to him that anger is no good, so he stuffs it all again and goes through a cycle of
unhealthy suppression and aggression.
If a person grows up with two passive parents who don't externalize anger, and then he finds a partner who's
very aggressive, what is he going to do with that? What's that going to be like for him? He'll feel harassed and
lack a sense of control.
He won't know what to do with that because when he was growing up he didn't see anybody deal with conflict
in any constructive way. He didn't see his parents dealing with issues openly. He experienced them being
silent or avoiding conflict, and so he wouldn't have the skills or the ability to cope with strong anger directed
toward him.
In a home where avoidance and passivity were the norm and voices were never raised, he may leave the room
when anger is expressed openly. He would be very uncomfortable with that and go to great extremes to avoid
even being exposed to conflict as an observer. When growing up as a child, he got the clear message that
anger is no good.
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In a home of both passive and aggressive parents, one may be capable of both passive and aggressive styles.
One may be the doormat and sometimes the bully.
So as one relates to another person, one wants to try to understand the story behind the communication
style, to try to understand and gain insight into it, and then one wants to develop a broader repertoire of
styles and skills for communicating and dealing with conflict in healthy intentional ways.
SUMMARY OF HEALTHY SKILLS
There are three primary skills that we want to master.
1. The first is to express feelings and views in an assertive way.
2. Then we want to listen to the feelings and views of the other person because even the passive individual
may be unable to do that very well. His thoughts may be wandering off while someone is talking.
3. Third, we need to use problem-solving skills in order to reach an agreement with another person without
taking power or controlling the process, because the aggressive style and the passive style are both very
controlling and powerful styles.
The passive individual is very powerful in his use of silence and other passive aggressive behaviours. And the
aggressive person tends to be very powerful by demanding, ordering, and intimidating people. If we want to
give up power and move beyond power in relationships, we need to help them learn new healthy skills.
ASSERTING ISSUES PAST AND PRESENT
Let's first take a look at expressing feelings and views, both past and present. We really want to learn to fully
express issues in relationships past and present, throughout our lifetime. We need to address unfinished
business in relationships.
And so as we use assertive skills, we learn to implement the three-part assertive statement, which is: "I feel
________, when you ________, because ________." In the first blank, put a feeling word: annoyed, sad,
furious, venomous, perturbed, irritated, or other terms. This may require broadening ones emotional
vocabulary. Choose a word that matches the level and specific kind of the feeling you have. In the "when you"
blank, provide a non-judgmental description of the other persons observable behaviour. In the "because"
blank, clarify the effect on your life of the other person's behaviour.
Here are some well-worded examples:
"I feel frustrated when you don't put gas in the tank and you leave it on empty because then I have to stop by
the gas station, fill the tank, and then I'm late for work."
"I feel really cheated when you don't follow through on the tasks we agreed that you would do because then
I'm left with more work to do."
"I feel frustrated when you don't phone to let me know you are going to be late because then I lose valuable
time waiting."

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ASSERTIVENESS EXERCISE
Form a statement using the format above. Think of a relationship in which you had some issue, minor or
major, past or present, that you can make a statement about. It could be in relation to a loss of parental caring
and closeness, or unresolved conflict with a parent. Or it could be something that happened with an
acquaintance very recently or with a friend over a relatively minor issue.
You can use the same format to be encouraging. You can reinforce the desired behaviour by telling a person
they already are what you want them to be.
The following are examples assertive statement that need improvement:
"I feel afraid when you don't phone to say you will be late because I start thinking the worst-case scenario."
A feeling word goes in the first blank. "I feel afraid when you don't phone." Can you think of a practical effect
on your life? What's a practical effect when she doesn't phone? What do you do with your time? Are you able
to plan your time? Does it affect your planning or your organizing? You waste time thinking about what may
have happened to her and you can't get on with other tasks.
Another example: "I feel hurt and disrespected when you don't listen to me because then I don't get to finish
what I have to say." The term "disrespected" is a judgmental term. Do you feel hurt angry? Hurt frustrated?
Hurt annoyed? What kind of hurt? Use more specific feeling words.
Another example: "I feel ripped off when you weren't there for me because I feel we could have done so much
more as father and son." The word "feel" is used the second time to mean think, or believe rather than an
emotion. Just leave out the second "feel" word.
Another example: To his child a father says, "I feel anger when you get out of bed because I don't get as much
time to be alone with Mom." The father needs to tone down the anger word or leave the feel blank out
altogether as it may be too powerful for a child to hear.
Another example: "I feel very uncomfortable when you ask me a question because I don't always have an
answer." Uncomfortable what? Uncomfortable insecure? Uncomfortable frustrated? It's easier to avoid a
feeling word by using a vague general word, and then one ends up not being as direct and clear as one could
be.
Another example: "I feel upset when you go shopping and you don't buy the food I want because my health is
very important to me." Upset what? Upset angry? Upset anxious? How does it actually affect your health? Say
maybe, "Because I can't get the nutrition I need to be healthy."
An important principle in giving assertive negative feedback is to create safety for yourself and the other party
by getting permission from him to offer feedback. This can be done simply by saying, "Do you mind if I raise an
issue that is bothering me?" or, "Can I tell you something I fell annoyed about?" or, "Do you mind if I give you
some negative feedback?" or, If I thought I knew something that might help you, would you want me to tell
you what it is? This allows the receiving party to have some say or control, and it is respectful of his sensitivity
to receiving criticism.

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A WORD OF CAUTION
Be careful about using the assertive statement with an employer, an abusive spouse, a threatening person, or
a police officer. To do so may not be safe enough for you and may result in a negative outcome for you or the
other person. If the feeling word may be too powerful for a child or other emotionally fragile person, leave it
out of the assertive statement and use only the description of observable behavior and the effect on your life.
THE PROTECTION BLOCK
What do you imagine the passive person struggles with when he attempts to become assertive? What gets in
the way? He struggles with fear and guilt. The fear is of hurting or being hurt, of saying something that's going
to hurt the other person, or of experiencing a negative reaction. When the feared thing happens, he feels
guilty about not having prevented it from happening. The end result is the protection block.
The passive individual prefers to avoid stating the issue clearly. He may allude to it, perhaps in vague and
general ways. What one needs to understand is that passivity, or any one of the other styles of
communicating, may be appropriate in a given situation.
The bottom line is to choose the style as a conscious, deliberate decision, rather than as an impulsive reaction.
For instance, if I'm talking with a policeman or an employer, I'll usually choose to be passive or possibly even
apologetic. As a counselor you need to restrict your personal style somewhat such as withholding anger
toward a vulnerable or fragile person.
You can raise your voice with someone as a way of joining or taking sides with him as he's talking about his
anger toward somebody else. "You have every right to feel that. Say more about that." I'll do it as a way of
encouraging him to raise his voice and support his anger.
THE REFLECTIVE STATEMENT
The next essential communication skill is the reflective statement. It's easy to remember it as the opposite of
the assertive statement.
The assertive statement is: "I feel _______ when you _______ because_______." The reflective statement is,
"So you feel _____ when I ______ because________." And then we just add a perception check at the end: "Is
that what you're feeling?" or, "Is that what you're saying?" or, "Do I understand you?"
Essentially, the reflective statement reflects feeling and meaning. When we make a reflective statement,
understand that it may be better to overstate than to understate the person who is speaking. In other words,
when we make a reflection, it's may be best to reflect just a little bit more than what the speaker has said and
in this way to reflect the unspoken implication of what the speaker has said.
Sometimes, the speaker does not say what the practical effect on his life is; he'll only point out your
behaviour. In that case, when you make a reflection, reflect how your behaviour has affected the others life,
even if he hasn't stated it. That's to help him feel fully understood and supported.
If I understate his case in my reflection, what's going to be his reaction? He'll think you didn't quite
understand, so he may feel alone or very frustrated. He may increase his own anger or resentment, whereas if
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I overstate and if I'm sincere and not sarcastic in my reflection, he is going to feel very supported. His
resentment or hostility will tend to diminish.
The common denominator of all conflict-reducing behaviour is to be open to the feelings and views of the
other person. But this kind of openness and willingness to reflect the hostile party requires a thick skin
because the reflecting party needs to set aside his own feelings and views as long as the other party remains
very hostile, directing criticism toward the reflector. Another term for this is "ego death," the sense of
deprivation and giving up self-defense to focus on the needs and feelings of the critical party.
In a conflict between two people, it's helpful to exchange reflective statements. Use reflections to clarify the
issues to be resolved, and if the other person doesn't know about reflective listening, and most times he
won't, you can still elicit a reflection, so that you can feel understood. You can do this by saying, "Let me know
what you think you heard me say, because until I know that you understood what I've said, I don't think we
can go any further with this. I have to know that you understand my point of view."
What if the person reacts with, "Do you think I'm stupid, that I didn't hear you?" I'd say, "I'm not saying you're
stupid, what I'm saying is that I need to know that you understand what I'm saying. I need to know that you
understand me. So, can you tell me? I think you do understand, and you can understand, I just need to know
what you understand. I need to hear it. And I need to understand your point of view. I need to let you know
what I understand. Because in order to problem-solve, our issues need to be clear to each other." Clearly
identifying the issues through exchanging reflective statements, is the first step to resolving conflict.
FIGHTING BEHAVIOUR DEFINED
A conflict may degrade into a fight. The definition of a fight is when one person is unwilling to listen to the
point of view of the other. And it only takes one person who is unwilling to listen to the point of view of the
other to have a fight. It could be a silent fight or a verbal fight, I could use a wall of words to keep from
listening to you or I could use a wall of silence.
It's very important for fighting behaviour to be recognized early on, and there are two things you can do to
deal with it. The first is to keep the fight fair. As long as there are no threats, or name calling, or put-downs, it's
within fair limits.
The second way to deal with fighting is to recognize that as much as one may want to resolve the issue, one
may be too emotionally wound up to begin to be reasonable at all. He's too upset. He may be overly verbal
and dominating or overly silent and withdrawn or leave the room, and the last behaviour creates fear and
unsafety not knowing when the person will return.
At those times when you are too upset, it's very important to say, "I can't talk about this now, but I'll talk
about it this evening or when I feel I'm ready to talk about it." And if it's the other person who is refusing to
talk, or after that period of distance, it's important to come back to the other party and say, "I'm ready to talk
about this if you are." And at that time, when the emotions have subsided, you can sit down and make
assertive or reflective statements.


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PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS
Clarify the issues and then move it to the next step, which is to say, "What are we going to do?" That's the
question we must ask in order to move to the problem-solving phase, which is essential to the resolution of
the conflict. You have to get around to saying, "What are we going to do about our issue (or issues or about
my issue)?"
At that point you can begin to problem-solve. If you use a highly structured method of problem-solving, you
may get a pencil and paper and make a list of issues, your issues and my issues, and prioritize them. "I'll circle
my most important issue, and you'll circle yours. We'll flip a coin to see whose issue gets dealt with first." Take
that issue and start brainstorming solutions.
This is a highly structured problem-solving process. Structure is the key to maintaining safety in conflict,
especially if the conflict is emotionally intense and there are multiple, confusing issues to be dealt with. I
believe it's important to use a written process. You also need to give the feelings time to settle, because when
people try to resolve things too early, they get bogged down and begin to react emotionally again to things
that are said.
The creative problem-solving process is described in detail at this free download file location
https://www.box.com/shared/0qbido65hb
OFFERING NEGATIVE OR HELPFUL FEEDBACK OR SUPPORT IN A RESPECTFUL WAY
One of the most difficult challenges is knowing how to offer negative feedback. This can be done most
effectively by getting the other persons permission to offer feedback such as: Do you mind if I suggest
something that might help? or even saying, If I thought I knew something that might help you, would you
want me to tell you what it is? This wording gives decision power and control to the other person to receive
your feedback, and it communicates your value, caring, and respect for them as a person.
Another approach is to say, What would be most helpful and supportive for you to hear from me right now?
This approach can be used when someone you care about is caught in a dilemma or crisis. You are respecting
and supporting their ability to know what is best for them.
COURSE ASSIGNMENTS AND REQUIREMENTS
1. Create and design 50-100 short and long-answer questions reviewing the scope and depth of the course
material and give responses to your questions taken from the content.
2. Write an assertive statement based on the formula given in the course and direct it to someone in your
life. Explain that it is part of an assignment, and be sure to get their permission to direct the statement to
them. Then ask them to tell you what it was like for them to hear your assertive statement. Write a short
report (2 or 3 pages) of the assignment and outcome, challenges, and areas for improvement.
3. Write a reflective statement based on the formula given in the course and employ it with someone in
your life. Explain that it is part of an assignment, and be sure to get their permission to reflect what they
have just said. Then ask them to tell you what it was like for them to hear your reflective statement and if it
was accurate. Write a short report (2 or 3 pages) of the assignment and outcome, challenges, and areas for
improvement.
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4. Using the creative problem-solving process described at https://www.box.com/shared/0qbido65hb, invite
someone to participate with you in solving an issue or problem. Write a report on aspects of the
assignment: what worked well and any challenges or areas for improvement you need to work on to be
more effective.
5. Write a short report (1 or 2 pages) describing your current communication style, how you benefitted from
the course, and what you still need to work on to communicate in the most healthy and respectful manner.
Submission Instructions
Email all assignments as attached files to a single email to the College at collegemhc@gmail.com Results will
be emailed to you upon a review of satisfactory assignments.