There’s One Born Every Minute PENNY VINCENZI Cartoons by IAN DICKS SPHERE BooKS LIMITED —— London and SydneyFe pubis Gra Beta by For Polly, Sophie, Emily and Claudia, without poses LI ‘whom this book would never have happened: envi Wit Covi and for Paul, without whom Poly, Sophie, Fait Ser Rota mes Erp and Clu would never fave happen Soo Uy Rae Edn WELK BL citer HITT Pred and nnd in Gree Stain by Coe Wen te RentogHome Sweet Home Going Home with Baby isnot quite what you might expect. ‘What you'd expect is lle ab it used to be with Baby ‘contained within it. What you're goina fo get is ite not otey 8st used tobe, sith Baby not contained within anything, but piling out into every imaginable moment and rnilirmetre. Leaving hospital isa frightening experience. The boarding echo! broth ie may have palled abit towards the end, but t's warm and cosy and sae, and Baby tops breathing of stars throwing up, or your milk doesn't ‘Come In, or your stitches wont come out, you heve only toyell ‘Nurse’ and all your troubles areif not over, at least ‘icely bridged. At home you'te on your own, with no;one {oval for except the Daddy, and he wor't be alot of use, that’s for sure It's true the boiled mince may have lacked favour and variety, but at lees it arsed; you didn't have 10 do impossibly complicated things lke buying it and cooking. The endless supply of clean nappies and ‘ightes forthe baby wil dy up, or rather remain wet, and youl be reduced to the rank of ward maid inno time tl. "The most important thing to know is that Baby is very tough, He won't break easily (you might, but thats another matter entirely). The human race, remember, bas not become extinct - if bobies were ragle, delicate litle creatures, might well have done. What you've got there, in the newly painted nursery, is something rather tougher than a dinosaur. Hang onto that fact. Dressing Baby to go home is quite an uanerving ‘experience in ase, Inhospitalthey allwearstandardissue fannelette, dressed in Going Home gear, they suddenly ‘assume personalities. Some people get very carried away 'y the oceasion and plunge Baby into a foaming mass of fils and ribbons and mocking and I suppose iis his fist social appearance: but I think i's best to keep things 8 simple, and puthimin Babygro andwrap him upinahuge ‘hao, Princo Wiliamesiy ‘You are supposed to tke him home straight after o feed, but tis hardy ever works out. Elther he wants his feed earlier than you sai, in which case he'll be hungry spain by the time Daddy or the ambulance arrives ake {ou home, of hell be asleep and you won't have time to ‘Sve it to hi. Either way hel cry all the way home. ‘When he gets home, You can food him if you tke, but heli carry onerying anyway. Babiesdon't like gonghome; it Unoelles them. For atleast 24 hours, and frequentiy Tonger, they cry a greet deal, You shouldn't take this ‘personally. Just carry on Letting Down and Latching On, fd he'll ge theidea eventually that ifeis goingto be pretty much the same afterall 53You! feel fairly Unsetted yourself and 20 will the Daddy; indeed, it wil seem unlikely that youl ever Settle ‘gain (you won either). What you wil fel, quite quickly, is that you ought to ty to introduce some order into your Me. Fish and chips over the loosened quy ropes ial ight for the first couple of rights, but afer thet youbegintofeel fe might he merginaly more aracious it is at ths pomnt that Sister Jones or one of her confederates ull enter your if. Sister Jones, SRN This paragon of virtue writes books sbout How To Care For Baby, which are given to you (along with some rather more useful offerings like free nappy cleanser and baby 54 lotion) when you leave hospltal, One af the sections in this ‘book isan outine of A Day With Baby and How To Get Everything Done. Reading this in hospital, in your nicaly ‘made bed, in between having your blood and urine tested, the day sounds reasonable, dabit onthe dull side, After 3 diay three hours from sx il sine (fed, change and settle baby tidy nursery, rinse nappies, prepere breakfast, eat breakfast with husband, clear away breakfast things, tidy letchen) you get half an hour to yoursel (to plan meals, ake shopping lite and so on) before fovding, changing ‘and seting Baby again atten. Then i’ off tothe shone, Baby in pram, home to do 2 bt of light housework, and ‘cook yourself litle ight something or other, before ~you ‘guessed it feeding, changing and setting agin. After three days of feeding, changing, refeeding, re-changing, tnd desperately trying to settle Baby righ through the time alloted, leaving the nappies unrinsed, the mureery Luntidied and certainly not a sign of a breaklast or ight Junch anysthere, you realize that Sister Jones has never actually had a baby, or 8 husband, or nappies 10 rinse, or hopping fats to make. Her suggestion for mid-afternoon (by which time, fyou'e lucky, youl have got last nights ‘washing up dane), sto ‘put Baby on arg to kick, 30 that ‘you can stand reed or watch telavsion ~ have something to tak about fo your husband when he gets in’. She also urges you to freshen up belore this dally intellectual ‘exchange, ta com your hait, put on alle lipstick and ‘perfune, and remember that you're stil is wife (he would probably such rather forget by this point, but never rind). ‘Sister Jones does serve a purpose though: she's someone to hate. As the nappies ple up, and Baby cries, ‘and you don't get your lists made, or have your ‘conversations about the petrodolar and one meal merges into the next, and the milk dries up, vou can fix all vour 55 pee eres eefrustrations and miseries on Sister Jones and lay thom at her door. I's awholelot better than fixingthemon Baby or Dade after al Slightly ~ but ony very sightly -rmoreheipfulthan Sister Jones isthe Health Visitor, The Health Visitor wlleomet ‘all when you have bees home fora ew days to see i you need any help. You won't get any from her, She usually artives when Baby is particularly hungry, accepts yout ‘offer of a cup of coffe and sits there looking immaculate while you slob about, loosening the guy ropes, andpicking ‘up the odd ditty nappy from the middle of the sitting room ‘oor. She doesnt have too much to do, andagreat deal of time to doit in, and she may wel sit therefor an hour ae more, telling you about her new curtains, end her new ‘maisonette and her new husband and how men ae Althe Bane, Health Visitors very seldom seem to have any children oftheir own, which is presumably why they ae considered suitable to visit people who have. They are trained to repeat a set of phrases at five minute intervals, however Inappropriate. These are mostly rhetorical questions. You should not attempt to answer them, however strongly tempted. They go ‘Everything allright, How are you oping? ‘Do you mind fI come infor aminute?, Is there anything | can do? How is Baby getting on?” and ‘Why {don't you bring er down tothe Clinic on Friday? The only remotely constructive thing they say is'Wel's time was off can see you've got lots to do." ‘They wil however, f you are very seriously distressed, ‘ask about @ Home Help for you, or even ning up your doctor and say they are worried about you. He probably ‘won't do anything for you either, but its the thought that “There really is aot to be done a this staae, excepto hire a fot of expensive help (i's worth selina the family 56 silver or getting hopelesely into debt to pay fori) and arin and bear tf you can't grinmuch, forget that and just bear itt doesn't last long Baby will eventually work out 8 routine of bis own, without Sister Jones help. This may not be too mach ie the routine you would heve chosen yoursel, but you would be wise to go alana with it, as you're not gong todo ‘any better It wil include one very cheerul active period, usually? aim, fob a.m.and ane verylang period oferying, usually from 6 p.m. t0 10 of 11 pm. lf youhave one of those magnificently competent and/or cosy mothers, she ul obviously bea help, but Port thisk ater the first week ors she should be encouragedta stay. Shel inevitably come betwers you and the Daddy, and there's enough of that already with Baby, ned she start wanting todo things her way, and in the end is better to o then yours, However, forthe firstfew days, accept any hlp that's offerad and be arteful. [let the man who came to read the gas meter give ane of my babies her bottle (he sid he missed his own litle ones so much); he did it beautifully and | got the hocvering done forthefisttimein weeks Further Reading ‘You can measure the standard ofa baby's behaviour by the numberof baby books on te mother sbedside table. A ‘good baby dosent raqure boning un on: a bad one cends ‘you fying from expert to expert, in search of some panacea which will restore your fe to some kind of order. ‘ever bought a single book apart from Dr Spock, which is 2 bit like buying nappies, unt I had my fourth baby, and indeed edopted aa unpleasantly lofty attitude to anyone ‘sho did. But she screamed round the clock fo five months and turmed me into a baby book junkie. It dde’tdome any 3They are even more uly acquisitive on holiday than usual nagging you senselers oro workel, a surfooardora shrimping net which, once acquired, they promptiy lose interest in and leave on the buach. They gravitate | unerringly towards the tasteless 00; no use hoping yout, arive home wth a pretty collection of shells 2nd some + pressed wild flowers, i be hats and T-shirts with 1 TTorremolinoy on them, andtherr posteards wilread Dear Granny, [amhaving nice timein Prance tis very hot, m9 friend sealed Darren, and we hed Ssh and chips with him lastnight, love Dominic.” i ‘You wil have to pretend you're all having lots o un for the benefit of the other famiies on the beach, playing volleyball t midday in Barcelona and rushing excitedly in ‘nd out of the Atlantic on a grey day in Bude. ‘The other alternative i to opt out altogether, and send the children off on one of those splendid activity holidays, Where they go canoeing or pony-treklang or moun. taineering. Thev'e terribly expensive and will probably mop up the whole of your annual holiday budget in one izzy week. I can ony say that {you're let to goout alone fon cy trip to the paumshop, i's probably worth i ome mothers weep when their children start school -1 Wes not one of them, They are mostly the weave your ‘oun-nappy varity, and in between sniff wl tell you the more time to lve in their fontasy worlds, or some such du inducing theory. This is nonsense. They'remore than ready for school at fourand a-hlf, nevermind fue, andit Fi afterall only fom 9 a.m. tl3 each day ~ the way the Snifers carry on you'd thinkit was boarding school witha doy off at Christeas and Easter, As for hing in their -fntaay worlds ifthe chdren want to they carry rghton, ding it, and God help anyone who wents to trv to teach them wat five beans make, or how to spel their own ‘ames; the capacity ofthe average five-year-old to cutoff 40 completely from his surroundings that you have #0 ake him and jump up and dow on both his feet to get Fthrough to him that his brealdasts ready is one of life's You would be unwise to put this point of view to the niles, needless to say, othernise school would be ing out again before they'd done with your, just lave em there snifing and hurry off wth alight heart to your mneedlework or noveluriting or whatever iti you number of woxnen who immediately become pregnant the minute ther youngest is at fulltime school is extremely thus hopeless as a chid-minding device f you want to 9) bck to work, and highly irtating fr the working mother tly necessary forthe tea, bed and bath bit (and of se the Hlnesses, which promptly take on a fresh ipsurge in number and variety) You can aluays spot the new children as they wear the rect urlorm, and the new mothers becouse they're side school long before they have to be. By the time reach the top ofthe school (unless its the posh sort) re woatina free-range clothes and vaiting foranvthing (020 minutes for ther mothers, who screech to abalt fing open the ear door barely long enough for the Enrly-on mothers, especialy the Snifers, pave very tense conversations about Tiredness, Progreds, Adjust- than Arabella and how recorder went. (Recorders play a crucial part in Fist School Life, I may war you) ly and Mrs Thatcher's the Queen of Russia then i, can and shes. This nan ergurment youcan'tuin, She il have a wide and piercing knowledge of every subject. B.:"You can't get marred in space, but you can have 3 1" Sophie told me shorlly after starting school. 3“Oh, really?” Isai, intrigued. ‘How do you know?” “Mise Fotheringny told me,’ said Sophie, ina voice that was cleatly going to brook no argument “I dont Hank’, [se:d, belly, that’ Miss Fotheringay knows an awul lot about space. "Oh yes she does, said Sophie. ‘She's been up in spece Lots of times. Ina rocket.” Iiked the idea of Miss Forheringay going up in arockt. 4 ‘She was about 85, and bore a striking resemblance to Mrs Tigqyuinie. “The other big change (or most ofus at any rate) wil be the entry of God into your He, A five-year-old child starting school gete religion in a big way, perticolely sto lots of ther it has boon until that point a bit of an unknown, ‘cantity. God comes second only to Mis Fotheringey, ‘endif your home's standard lapsed Anglican, youmay find | ls presence in every possible area of yourhome andifea. litte unnerving but you'l get used to it You have to. Is rather lke ving with an evangelst preacher "You're not alone in that lavatory, you know called the fivevear-old Polly through the locked door. ‘God is in there wth you.” You may not like the idea ofthe Almighty accompanying you to the tole and beyond, but there's rothing you can do about i This is a magnificent ‘obsession; suddenly exposed to God every day, singing of him, praying to him, learning about him, your child i inevitably going to find him of consuming interest ‘Misconceptions abound; What is God? Daughter Num ber Four asked Daughter Number Thee the other day: ‘Wel, thore’s a fairy in the sky, and he's dead and tha’ God said Number Three patiently. wasn't sure how God ‘would fer! about being a dead fairy” Heals, it turned o was the very first person to lear to drive, ‘everybody's telephone number, marries each of theange inturn, and learns all the languages for a hobby (so he 2 6 understand all te pravers) He is almost all powerful, but can't reach teriby fa, which is why some people haven't enough to et Iistouch and go whether Miss Fotheringay or God will lose omnipotence frst; Miss Fotheringoy tends to winby a >thort head, I do remember my reef when Emily care to F ovr room very shortly after her sixth bictheday. ‘Tm of ‘God,’ she said. im going to concentrate on my gym ‘natead I don't know how many converts God loses tothe gm club, but it must be more than a handful ‘There i afar bit of rivaly among the mothers about how the children are adapting to schoo! fe, but this is 2 game I's hard to win, Announce with a trismphant look at Clementina has settled down beautifull without #0 has a trembling lip and you wil learn that Giles stil 1B