Lowndes 1

Commented [MB1]: Markings of grammatical errors are

either crossed out, in red, or corrected in blue.

Mason Lowndes
Professor Malcolm Campbell
UWRT 1103
11/9/15

Leaving Earth Behind:

Why Do We Explore Space?

Commented [MB2]: I like this title. Its captivating and

catchy.

55 years ago in Soviet Russia a man named Sergey Korolyov lead a team of Russian and
captured German physicists to develop the first global missile called the R7. Two months after
making the R7 they successfully launched the Sputnik program and put the first manmade
object into space. In doing this the Russians started the Space Race with the United States. As a
result of the space race many space programs have been developed since then, as well as
private companies. One of the most well-known space programs that was created as an effect

Commented [MB3]: I dont feel the word captured

flows well in the sentence. You are using it as an adjective
instead of a verb. I suggest words such as imprisoned,
confined, etc. Thesaurus.com would be a good source for
help with better word choice.
Commented [MB4]: I suggest briefly stating what the
Sputnik program actually is. You might think it is common
knowledge but making this kind of assumption detracts
from the paper.
Commented [MB5]: Again, a brief explanation would be
beneficiary. Something like the Space Race, a scientific
competition striving towards the development of space

of the Sputnik program is the National Aeronautics and Space Administration program or NASA.
NASA is responsible for the direct response to the Sputnik program was the Apollo Program, the
mission to put a man on the moon. Over the past decades, NASA has achieved a lot of things

Commented [MB6]: Weirdly phrased sentence.

these include: the Pioneer and Voyager space craft, Apollo missions, the Mars Viking and

Commented [MB7]: I suggest rephrasing. NASA has

made many achievements including

Pathfinder space craft and The Hubble Space Telescope. All of these have led to large amounts
of insight and knowledge and have helped to technologically advance society.
Having a goal that is currently unobtainable with the current technology drives the

Commented [MB8]: Elaborate on exactly how these

programs have provided a large amount of insight &
knowledge.
Commented [MB9]: Vague.

technological evolution of our species. This is supported by space programs, having a goal for
instance like having someone walk on the moon leads to the need of several new technologies

Commented [MB10]: for instance like Rephrase.

so that the person can live and return home safely. Some of these (the) technologies that
Commented [MB11]: Suggestion:

needed to be invented or perfected include the spacesuit, which is still in use today but is being
End the sentence at which is still in use today.

Lowndes 2

refined in order to provide a higher range of motion. Another technology that is always being
improved is the space shuttle, it currently doesnt have the capabilities to make a trip to mars
and back. Having someone walk on mars is the next major goal/milestone that NASA wishes to

Commented [MB12]: Merge into this point by saying

Despite being an impressive invention, the suit is still being
refined in order to Or something similar.

Commented [MB13]: I suggest adding a connecting

sentence so these points flow together better.

achieve. although they have not given Despite NASA not giving a timeline or expectation date,
they are developing the technology to do this.
Private companies like SpaceX are also developing new technologies and refining old
ones,. they SpaceX claims to be the worlds fastest growing launch services provider. The

Commented [MB14]: Adding a Furthermore or

Additionally at the beginning, could help your paragraphs
connect better.

company was founded in 2002 and they design, manufacture, and launch rockets and
spacecraft. Elon Musk is the CEO of SpaceX. One of the key concepts that SpaceX runs on is that

Commented [MB15]: Not quite relevant.

of reusability. They work to create rockets and spacecraft that can be reused, this brings
bringing/which brings (either one would be better) down the cost dramatically because since
they can just refuel the craft and send it back into space. They have achieved this through the
Dragon series of spacecraft, this is the first model of spacecraft that they created. and is This
spacecraft lands with parachutes, and crashes into the ocean, and is then retrieved. This first
trial was their first attempt at making a space craft and recently they have created the Dragon
V2. The V2 has quite a few upgrades and looks a lot better than the V1, but not only that it has
more advanced computers that run the controls as well as a lot less buttons to press unlike the
NASA spacecraft and the V1 Dragon.

Commented [MB16]: Which trial? Are you referencing

the spacecraft landing in the ocean. If so, you need to make
it clear.
Commented [MB17]: You already said this.
Commented [MB18]: looks a lot better than the V1
This is an opinion. You should back it up with some
evidence.
Commented [MB19]: Very informative paragraph. Good
job.
Commented [MB20]: Put this information after the place
where you state the V2 has quite a few upgrades. This
portion seems to be referencing the aforementioned
upgrades

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Commented [MB21]: Unique choice of including
graphics. They complement the paper well and add some
clarification.

The Dragon V1 is on the left and the V2 is on the right. SpaceX has several contracts with
NASA, these contracts provide positive cash flow for SpaceX and in return SpaceX sends
supplies to the International Space Station (ISS). SpaceX also sends commercial satellites into
space. The V2 was created for the purpose to send crew to the ISS and back, NASA is helping
provide the funding because they cant get the funding themselves (cuz politics).

Commented [MB22]: Are you sure this is the best word

choice?

SpaceX and NASA are only two of the many companies that task themselves with the
exploration of space as well as the commercialization of space travel. Both of which are driving
the exploration of new technologies at an amazing rate. In just 13 years SpaceX has
accomplished things that most countries in the world have yet to do and they can send
payloads into space at a much cheaper rate than NASA. Thats Exciting! This excitement drives
even more discoveries and someday in the near future some of us will be walking in space just
because we wanted to and not because we have spent most of our lives learning to be an
astronaut.

Commented [MB23]: Ha, I like your passion.

Lowndes 4

Dear Mason,
I had a pleasant time reading the first draft of your EIP. Space travel is an
interesting topic and its good you have taken such an interest in it. While reading, I did come up
with a few critiques I would like to mention. Despite the title of your paper involving the phrase
Why Do We Explore Space, it seemed as if you never truly covered or came to an explicitly
stated conclusion as to why. From reading I can see you have a lot of information you want to
share, but I suggest connecting it to the purpose of your paper. I know that you mentioned some
benefits, but these seem to mainly affect astronauts and those involved in the science of space. I
suggest inserting a section that connects the feat of space travel to the everyday man (so you
can appeal to the reader more). This article I found (http://unreasonable.is/why-spend-moneyon-space-exploration-when-we-have-so-many-problems-here-on-earth/) might lead you to do
further research on the societal and maybe even economic effects of space exploration and help
you come up with a stronger argument. Furthermore, I would like to touch on some syntax
errors. I already corrected a few and Im not sure if Prof. Campbell really cares, but for future
purposes it might be good to know. You seem to have developed a habit of putting commas
after statements that can stand as sentences on their own. Then you like to add more
information that should also be its own sentence. By doing this, the sentence runs on and
slightly detracts from the respectability of your paper in my opinion. Overall, keeping these kinds
of grammatical habits in mind and elaborating more on your topic is my main concern. Despite
this, your paper displays an evident knowledge and interest in space travel/exploration and
seems to definitely be a good topic for you.
Sincerely,
Moye

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Citations
Garber, Steve. "NASA History in Brief." NASA History in Brief. NASA. Web. 21 Oct. 2015.

Launius, Roger. "NASA and the Decision to Build the Space Shuttle." Historian 57.1 (1994): 1. Web.

Tucker, Ken. "Space Programs." Space Programs 320 (1996): P49-51. Web.

"The Soviet Space Program." Soviet Space Program. Royal Air Force Museum, 2013. Web. 26 Oct. 2015.
"SpaceX." SpaceX. Web. 10 Nov. 2015.