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And for me, if | have given my time to be with someone, | don’t want to have my cell phone make me or rather put me at someone else’s disposal. And letters are keepers. Once delivered, you may re-read this, tuck it under your pillow...burn it...whatever, whatever. | have a few regrets from this past weekend which I’dlike to share with you. No- that won't do. | mean to say that | want to clear away a couple of cobwebs. | want to try to properly answer here questions which you posed to me but | was unable torespond to because | am basically a chicken shit. lama very fast & accurate judge / accissor (is that a real word?) of people’s characters. Not necessarily “She is good. | hate him. She is stupid.” Kinda more visceral. Energetic — you know? And | remember seeing you... at that party in Banff & | literally turned around and walked the other way. That “sparks” thing that you dig so much? Well, rather than the moth to the flame it shoots me in the other direction. You were too sparkling. And then at Karaoke, | saw you had signed up to sing... not really sure how | made-name face connections but fuck... |am now realizing your face is everywhere at all times... and thinking it was cool you were there. But when it came down to it | couldn’t talk to you. Just couldn’t.So finally at the BBQ — but it seemed you were talking to a number of women and | was torn — flattered that you were in to hooking up later — but pretty sure you had a bit of a collection of... well you get the idea. But }came back to Halifax and felt like an asshole for not befriending you just because I’m a freak so | called you up. And felt ripped off for not being there for that-extra day with you. | was absolutely sure I’d never hear from you. But | did. And what | found is you'd say things | was thinking about. | don’t know if you remember saying that you had imagined what my life is like (Iam paraphrasing here) and that you were really basing this on... well nothing. | was doing the exact same thing. But instead of saying so | think | said something ridiculous like “is that fun for you”? [or]equally sentimental. But | had a hard time hearing anything like that from you because | was certain you were saying this to other people, so | couldn’t appreciate it. Couldn’t absorb it. | decided | wanted to solve the mystery and-come to Toronto. don’t like making more or less out ofa person than they are without knowing them. | wanted to see you & figure out really where you are coming from as much as one can ina few days. | tried to make the trip about work to take the pressure off visiting you, but | had no reason to come to Toronto except to hang with you. To be sure that you were a real fallable person basically. Not a figment of my imagination. And | had a safety net of people to see, things to do etc but | felt very vulnerable & though | tried to be there with an open heart, guarded. And was sure you'd never notice. That was my biggest mistake.We hooked up for dinner and you totally knocked me out. No wonder | couldn’t eat anything. You scared the hell out of me. Either because you were reading my mind or asking me to read it for you. | mean, really, what on Earth could be better than lying with you listening to-music & having peace. Nothing-But put to me like that, then? | really could not deal. Such a simple thing but | am used to spending time with people — men | suppose — who are so totally unavailable emotionally that | clearly did not know what to do. Nuff said. But thats the bottom line. | am worried that | gave you mixed messages and if | did, firstly | apolologize... um... | mean Apologize — fuck where is my dictionary... and secondly | honestly did not intent to. | loved spending time with you this weekend. You are hilarious. And | really loved seeing you becoming progressively more relaxed [with] me. Some- times | felt a bit left in the dustlike when | could see how the “thing” you & Nobu have shows a “coolness” | can only experience but not actually do. | appreciate your advice [with] Trailer Park Boys. The songs you write... that I’ve heard... are really beautiful. And | hope that my visit didn’t cramp you too much. | really have to go to sleep. It’s very late. Jian. You’re great. And | want to know more, have more fun easy times with you because it is so very rare — right? Who am | trying to kid? How many other men really get this whole animal-kid fucking thing? |am sad we didn’t spend the night together. | could have been more open [with] you than in person, rather than [with] pen & paper. | find disclosure in café’s tricky. ! love your hands. Lucy.