My name is Michelle Eppel and I am 49 years of age.

This book is dedicated to Steven Mattingly who

made this possible. Also dedicated to family and supportive friends.
I am a twenty five year old survivor of rape and in the year of 2006 I fought for a new law as a voice
for victims. I was allowed to testify and a new law was passed for the State of Ilinois house bill 701 whe
perpatrators of rape pay automatic restitution to the victim for life. I am continuing my fight nationwide.
hope you enjoy and find some comfort in my short stories and poems. Thank you Michelle Eppel.

The Cape ( Dedicatedto all victims of sexual assault and domestic battery)
If you need help or someone to talk to please call National sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656 HOPE.

Upon my face there is no trace

I wear what no man can see
An invisible cape that never sets me free.

I received it from a man

On a cold, dark, damp, November night
The hour: Shortly after midnight.

This man hunted me down as his prey

His hair was dark with streaks of gray
His horrid face forever I fear
His breathe reeked of beer
His evil eyes burned like fire from Hell
Death was his dreadful smell.

His cruel voice ordered me with his commands

His ragged skin unbearable as were his callous hands
His arms strong as steel embedded me in cement
His infested body invaded mine without my consent

He smothered me with his massive weight

My mind, my body, and my soul instantly filled with hate
In disgrace, I created my own invisible cape
To shield me from his sight, his touch, his smell and his taste
With all my power I struggled to escape
In torment and blood I survived an unjust rape.

By law the alcoholic man received counsel

He recovered: his gift: NO FEE
This vicious man today walks free
Capable of hunting down another prey
As he is released from jail
For me the judical system did fail
For me not by law, I received my own thearpy
My gift: MY FEE
I, the survivor, want no symapthy
I, the victim, seek to replace
What that man took from me
The shame he wiped upon my face

I the survivor, I the victim

Remain quite frail
I bear a cape which I can never unveil

Upon my face there is no trace

I wear what no man can see
An invisible cape that never sets me free.

Buried In His Casket

I have lost my way

My life has taken a sudden toll
My world is now buried
In a deep dark hole
I am dying of a broken heart
I live as a widow
I lost my loved one six months ago
Loving him is all I know

I sleep alone
I awake alone
I walk alone

Each time I think of him

I crumble to tiny shredded pieces of bone
He lives upon my mind
A life without him I cannot find
Within I see his face
I feel his touch
I hear his voice
I see his footsteps
I softly whisper his sweet name
Tears begin to fall
I know not myself at all

I take a walk to where he is buried

There I spend my day
I tell him all I have to say
I water his flowers
I pull the weeds
I clean his stone
Inside his casket
Lies my broken heart
I once owned.

My Passion Is Content

I place my hands
Upon your heart
It beats a song for me

I hold your hand

As we begin to make love
In the oceans goloden sand

I caress your moist lips

As you softly whisper
My name with a gentle kiss

I stroke my fingers through

Your thick dark hair
Your ocean blue eyes
Gaze into mine with a lusting stare

The ocean waves

Flow upon our feet
As our warm bodies
Begin to meet

Chills swarm up my fragile thin spine

I feel your body begin to sway with mine
Together our sweat begins to pour
As we make sweet love . . . we explore

Your voice is like the ocean waves

Echoing in my ear
Your heart is ike the seaguls calling
That I overhear
My body fills with your scent
My burning passion for you is content.

Do I Know

Do I know where I am going?

Do I know where I am running?
Do I feel our love is through?
Do I draw you in and push you out?
Do I know what love is all about?

In my mind all I see is you

In my heart I hold you true
From darkness till morning light
Wishing that our loove was made right
Hoping with you we could have a good life.

I feel lost when you are not here

I feel
safe when you are near
With you in my arms I have no fear
When I let you go I hold you still
This I do on my own free will.

Your name is written across my heart

If my inner feelings could speak the words I feel
Our love would not grow apart
And our troubles would not be real.

I believe it is time I begin

A life filled with love that will never end
I will draw you in not push you out
Together as one we will know
What love is all about
I know where I am going
And where I am running too
I know it is true
Our love is not through
And I know I love you.

Who Am I

Stand solid upon the ground

Listen to me no other sound
You have a choice
To listen to my voice

Quiet your mind; close your eyes

Deeply inhale . . . exhale . . . now sigh
Imagine me standing by your side
Let the world escape your mind

Shh . . .
Stand still
Stand silent
Use your own
free will

I am here
Release your fear
Give it all to me
It is clear, you see
I live within your heart,
Your soul; your mind;
Your every human part
It is me you must find

Your deepest, darkest shadows and pain

I can find secrets that remain
Listen close between your ears
It is my whisper that you hear

I hold you tight

With all my glory and might
I hold you still
I hold you with my own free will

I placed you upon the ground

I carry you when you are lost
I seek you and you are found

Who am I?

Hello, my name is God.

Unforseen

Unforseen a life is swept away

Occuring anytime night or day

A spirit leaves thisworld while sleeping

Another leaves wide awake

A spirit leaves needing nothing to pack

Nothing but the soul is needed to take

A spirit sees the presence

of a warm, loving radiant light
Leading it to stay or guiding it back

There is no doubt
For a spirit willingly follows the way.
Helpless

I walk the streets others I begin to greet

I watch their tears fall from their face
As they listen to my stories of truth
Stemming from my childhood abuse.

Ragged clothes I wear

My plaid shirt shredded
With a tare, my scars visible
To your naked eye
All of them remain from ciggerette burns
I still maintain.

A stranger takes his hands

And places them upon my wounded knee
weeping she says, "Come stay with me."

The greyhound bus makes a stop

I climb aboard, later as it makes a hault
Another stranger bends over toward my ear
And whispers "My dear it was not your fault."

Another stranger wishes me well upon his way

Thanking me for my true stories from Hell.
There is something he said I shall never forget
What he had to tell
He looked at me with a crooked eye,
A crippled leg, and a smile
He paused for just awhile
And said," I was abused like you with nowhere to go
Except the streets where abuse is in the past lives
of all of us you meet."
Blame no one he said, for we are survivors
Though many are dead.
He handedme a five dollar bill and wished me luck
Telling me to be careful where I roam.

The bus began to move

I paid for another ride
No longer could I hide
My mouth was dry
All I could do was cry
I asked the bus driver where was the next stop
He smiled and pointed straight ahead
"My child, there you are, you will find comfort and safety
With food, and a nice warm bed
He stopped the bus
I began my way up a short brick road
I was lonely and ever so cold
Though I felt safe far from my abusive home
I continued my path, no questiones asked
I wiped my tears from my eyes
I entered the hospital door
I stood still on the first floor
As a nurse came to me, smiled, and said, "Come with me my child."
Now I write to you from my recovery room
Where I met many abused like me
I am a survivor you see . . .
It will take a long time before I am released
Yet, I will never forget my journey that someday will set me free.

Auction Day

It was raining with early morning dew

At an autction I spotted you
The morning air was crisp and new
I gazed across a long metal table
Focusing only on you

Visions of you danced within my mind

Your masculine lips sent chills up my spine
Oh, on that auction day
You changed the life of mine

There was an old man auctioning off

a beautiful crystal candy dish
With a fancy designed lid
But, only on you did I want to place my bid

I desperately wanted to know your name

So I walked closer to you
Pretending I was interested in a unique
carved out picture frame

I gazed at you as you placed your bid

On some rusted tools
Standing right beside you I purposely
Dropped antique wooden spools

Oh my heart raced as you helped me

Pick them up and you told me your name
All I could think about as I melted
Gazing into yuour eyes of deep green
Was how I was going to be your dame
We talked all through the auction day
Each of us had so many words to say
Butterflies swarmed inside me
And rain began to pour
You asked me to sit inside your car
Until the rain settled down
Now today I stand before you wearing
A beautiful antique wedding gown.

In Early Dawn

Trapped within this body of mine

Oh . . . how I yearn fo rthe energy to speak
Death is knocking at my door
My body so weaki I do not have strength to stand
My hands are shriveled in knots
Fingers so swollen I have no slots
My baby blue eyes can no longer see
How I pray for God to set me free!

When I die do not ask why

For strength will come as I pass on
I am asking God to take my life
Into his hands come early dawn

I will love you forever

Happy and set free
In my new home
With God I will be.

My desire is that you will survive

A world without me though you say not
You will need someone
The pain lessening with her touch

Release your fears and set me free

God gives no more than one can bear
knowing living with God in my new place
But my life with you will not be erased.

Goodbye my love
For you I await
In welcome at Heavens Golden Gate.

Broken Souls

I know a place where you can find

Broken soul's
In the innocence of the wind they blow

The rain is sweet to the soul

Thunder is voices reminscing
Lightening upon your skin glow's
Snow upon your feet glisten's

Beautiful gardens grow

WIth rose's, violet's,
Daffofil's, irsis, and lilly's

I know a place where you can find broken souls

In the innocence of the wind they blow

In the wind one can hear a

familiar voice of one you know,
In the pureness of a Heavenly place

It's God if one listens

It's a beautiful place
Where love is full of grace

I know a place where you can find

Broken soul's
In the innocence of the wind they blow

Together stories they share.

It's a place where
All is comprimised, life is fair

I know a place where you can find

Broken soul's
In the inno0cence of the wind they blow.

A Child

Today a child approached me

With visual wounds I could see
As he glanced up at me and said:
"Help me please," I noticed his fresh
Opened wounds bleeding.

"My father hurt me today . . .

He beat me on my bed."
I reached deep inside of me
For the words to say
And silently I began to pray.
Dear God find me the strength
To not walk away
From a child living with
Abuse this very day . . .

Fresh bruises on his little face

Blood streaming
From his tiny nose
Adult handprints on his boyish chest
So fresh I could trace.

Dear God
Give me faith in my heart
With kind and healing words to say
To take the time to be there
And not walking away . . .
Help me love this child as my own
To get him help the best I can
To get him away from the father
Who is the abusive man.

Her Name Is Grace

From your beginning

I felt
I heard
The beginning of your tiny heart beat

I felt you deep within

I touched your every kick
I watched you grow
Within my womb
Your life did show

I sang you songs

I read you books
I could not wait
To see your dainty little looks

I talked with you

Late at night
For a long while
And loving you . . . made me smile

Our life together was my dream

I had plans with you
And I wanted you here to love forever
I bought you dainty
Little girl clothes
and mittens for your precious hands

Oh, my life with you was going to be grand

Your name is Grace

Dressed so pretty
In white linen and lace

Today I say goodbye

Oh, how I cry . . .

This pain will never end

Buried with you today

And forever Grace
All my love I send

From A Distance

From a distance
I hold your pain
I share your tears
From your silent cries
I wear your sigh

I am near carrying the same fear

Sharing the same tear

Call out my name

I will tell you
Only is your perpatrator the blame

Each abuse is horrifing

Yet, the emotional death is the same
I will be your friend
My heart bleeds for you
And for you I shall bend

Until the end

I will share
My expeirence with you
Stemming from my own solid truth

In abuse
Suffering comes
One with God it's true
He will carry you

Take the time

To feel
What you have been through
soon time will heal the inner wound
And God will heal you

From a distance
I hold your pain
I shed your tears
From your silent cries

In time stronger than you have ever been . . .

You will soar

Behind The Glass

For you I await to hold

To listen to your stories told
For all your life to unfold

I gaze through a tiny window

I can barely see you
I can barely hear you
Waiting for you to put your child hand to the glass
For you I am longing to grasp

Oh, my child
Where have you gone?

On The Wings Of Anger

On the wings of anger

I hold on to the tide.
On the wings of anger
I fly.

My spirit roar's
Anger whips my soul
tying my mind in two.
On the wings of anger
I hold on to the tide.
On the wings of anger
I fly.

Anger lifts my feet

Above the ground.
Anger rips my heart in two,
though there is no sound.
On the wings of anger
I hold on to the tide
On the wings of anger
I fly.

Anger I pray to release

To God I ask for peace.
I ask for the anger to cease.
Anger I fight
As I await peace
to take it's flight.

On the wings of anger,

I hold on to the tide.
On the wings of anger
I fly.

Thoughts

Thoughts can change your mind.

Thoughts can be unkind
They can ravel your soul
clutter your heart
and thoughts cannot be forgot

Thoughts come and go

Thoughts grow
Thoughts control your life
Cut like a knife
And thoughts flow.

Thoughts cause pain

Thoughts drive you insain
Thoughts race
Thoughts written
Thoughts traced
Thoughts can be erased

Thoughts can be negative

Toughts can be positive
Thoughts decide to live or die
Thoughts you can keep
Thoughts you can give
Thoughts are the way of life
Thank You For Loving Me

I'd climb the mountain to see you

I'd swim the sea to touch you
I would serch the world to keep you
Love has struck my soul

Life has touched my heart

I love you as my counterpart
With you in my life
love will not cut like a knife
You are a blessing is disquise

Staring in your eyes I drift away

Music plays between my ears
With every word you say
You are the love of my life
That will forever stay

I have been blessed

this time with you
I will pass Gods test
I will be true loving you

You have enriched my life

I am proud to become your wife
Thank you for loving me

Your Angel Is With Mine

Angels dance within my head

I believe it is my loved ones
Whom are dead
They have earned their glorious, golden wings
They are with your loved ones and together they form a choir
They are dressed in pure, white attire.
They gather to sing their song, "We All Belong"
As I hear their song I sing along
I read the pages in black and white
I watch the angels begin their flight
In mystery to all I believe the angels spread their wings.
Oh what a glorious flight to see
They dance for you and me
They are there when life has got you down
So let not your troubles or worries take you down
Share with another all you have known
And at night you can see the angels glorious flight
You can learn to believe as they wrap you everly tight
Protecting you from evil and all in the world that is not right
Come join the angels tonightg as they prepare us when we fall
Do not forget to look up when you find the time
Because your angel is dancing with mine.