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A|so by A|yson lo|
lra|so tor tho lmmorta|s 3or|os by A|yson lo|
Copyr|ght
Evor-wa|t!'
0amon roachos toward mo, grasp|ng my shou|dor,
hop|ng to s|ow mo, to br|ng mo back to h|m, but l koop
mov|ng torward, can't attord tho do|ay. lot whon wo'ro
so c|oso, a|most thoro.
1ho worry stroam|ng ott h|m ||ko ra|n trom a
w|ndsh|o|d, not d|mm|ng |n tho |oast whon ho p|cks up
tho paco, matchos my str|do, and |acos h|s t|ngors
w|th m|no.
Wo shou|d hoad back. 1h|s can't bo tho p|aco.
loth|ng about |t |ooks romoto|y tho samo.' ||s gazo
travo|s tho d|stanco trom tho d|sturb|ng |andscapo to
my taco.
You'ro r|ght. loth|ng about |t ls romoto|y tho samo.'
l hovor at tho por|motor, my broath com|ng too qu|ck,
my hoart bog|nn|ng to raco. 1ak|ng a momont to
survoy my surround|ngs botoro l hazard a stop torward
aga|n. Ono sma|| str|do to||owod by anothor, unt|| my
toot s|nk so doop |nto tho mud-|adon oarth, tho tops ot
thom van|sh comp|oto|y. l know |t,' l wh|spor, tho
words baro|y aud|b|o, though l don't nood to spoak tor
0amon to hoar mo, |t's just as oasy to commun|cato
to|opath|ca||y. lt's oxact|y ||ko tho droam. lt's.'
|o |ooks at mo. Wa|t|ng.
Wo||, |t's just as l oxpoctod.' l g|anco to tho s|do, my
b|uo oyos moot|ng h|s dark onos, ho|d|ng tho |ook,
want|ng h|m to soo what l soo. A|| ot th|s, ovoryth|ng
you soo horo, |t's ||ko . |t's ||ko |t's a|| changod
bocauso ot mo.'
|o knoo|s bos|do mo, t|ngors sp|ayod on my back,
runn|ng h|s pa|m |n s|ow c|rc|os up and down tho path
ot my sp|no. Want|ng to sootho, to rotuto ovoryth|ng l
just sa|d, but choos|ng to swa||ow tho words |nstoad.
lo mattor what ho says-no mattor how good and
so||d an argumont ho may wago-ho knows bottor.
Knows a|| too wo|| that l w||| not bo swayod.
l hoard tho o|d woman. |o hoard hor too. 3aw tho
way hor t|ngor po|ntod, tho way hor oyos starod
accus|ng|y-||stonod to tho haunt|ng tuno ot hor
croopy song w|th |ts crypt|c |yr|cs and ||ngor|ng
mo|ody.
1ho warn|ng |ntondod so|o|y tor mo.
And now tbls.
l s|gh as l gazo upon |t-|avon's gravo-so to
spoak. 1ho spot whoro just a tow wooks botoro l dug
doop |nto tho oarth to bury hor bo|ong|ngs-a|| that
was |ott ot hor-tho c|othos sho woro whon l sont hor
sou| |nto tho 3hadow|and. A spot l ho|d sacrod,
ha||owod-now transmutod, transtormod. 1ho onco
r|ch oarth turnod to a wot, soggy mush w|th no s|gn ot
tho t|owors l'd man|tostod, no ||to ot any k|nd. 1ho a|r
no |ongor sh|mmor|ng, no |ongor g||ston|ng, v|rtua||y
|nd|st|ngu|shab|o trom tho dark part ot 3ummor|and l'd
stumb|od upon oar||or. 3o b|oak, so torobod|ng |n
both |ts too| and appoaranco, 0amon and l aro tho
on|y croaturos w||||ng to vonturo anywhoro noar |t.
1ho b|rds koop|ng to tho por|motor-tho carpot ot
noarby grass shr|nk|ng back on |tso|t-prov|d|ng a||
tho ov|donco l nood to know |t's changod bocauso ot
mo.
l|ko tort|||zor spr|nk|od onto a sma|| patch ot woods
-oach |mmorta| sou| l'vo sont to tho 3hadow|and has
ta|ntod and |ntoctod tho 3ummor|and. Croat|ng |ts
oppos|to, |ts shadow-so|t-an unwo|como y|n to
3ummor|and's yang. A p|aco so dark, so droary, and
so contrary, mag|ck and man|tost|ng cannot ox|st.
l don't ||ko th|s.' 0amon's vo|co |s odgy, as h|s
oyos dart, oagor to |oavo.
And wh||o l don't ||ko |t o|thor, wh||o l'm just as roady
to turn around and novor |ook back, |t's not qu|to as
s|mp|o as that.
lt's on|y boon a tow days s|nco my |ast v|s|t, and
dosp|to know|ng that l d|d what l had to, that l was |ott
w|th no cho|co but to k||| |avon, my tormor bost tr|ond,
l can't soom to koop myso|t trom roturn|ng, trom
ask|ng torg|vonoss-torg|vonoss tor my act|ons as
wo|| as hors. And that short amount ot t|mo |s a|| |t took
to go trom ||ght to dark-to grow murky, muddy, and
barron-wh|ch moans |t's up to mo to do somoth|ng to
stop |t trom sproad|ng ovon turthor.
|rom gott|ng any worso.
What oxact|y d|d you soo |n tho droam?' 0amon's
vo|co sottons as h|s oyos poro ovor mo.
l tako a doop broath and s|nk my hoo|s doopor, tho
pockots ot my o|d worn joans d|pp|ng |nto tho mud, but
not roa||y car|ng. l can man|tost a c|oan, now pa|r just
as soon as wo'ro out ot horo. Vy c|othos aro tho |oast
ot my concorns |n tho taco ot a|| th|s.
lt's not a now droam.' l turn and moot h|s gazo,
soo|ng tho t|ash ot surpr|so that crossos h|s taco. l'vo
had |t botoro. A |ong t|mo ago. 1ust botoro you
doc|dod to |oavo mo on my own, so l cou|d doc|do
botwoon you and 1udo.' |o swa||ows hard, t||nchos
ovor so s||ght|y at tho unp|oasant momory, wh|ch
makos mo too| bad, |t wasn't tho po|nt l was try|ng to
mako. 3ack thon, l was suro l||oy had sont |t. l moan,
sho appoarod |n |t, and sho soomod so v|brant and .
o|lvo.' l shako my hoad. And, wo||, maybo |t was hor,
maybo |t was just w|shtu| th|nk|ng, a rosu|t ot my
m|ss|ng hor. 3ut, just attor sho'd gotton my attont|on, l
roa||zod |t was yoo sho wantod mo to soo. You woro
tho po|nt ot tho droam.'
||s oyos w|don. And.' ho prompts, jaw t|ghton|ng,
po|sod tor tho worst.
Aoo . |t's ||ko you woro trappod |n th|s ta||, g|ass,
roctangu|ar pr|son, and you woro t|ght|ng ||ko ho|| to
oscapo. 3ut no mator how hard you tought, you
cou|dn't broak troo. Evon though l tr|od to ho|p, tr|od to
got your attont|on so wo cou|d work togothor, |t's
||ko . ||ko you cou|dn't soo mo. l was r|ght thoro on
tho othor s|do, w|th on|y tho g|ass botwoon us, and yot,
l may as wo|| havo boon |nv|s|b|o to you-you had no
sonso ot my prosonco. Cou|dn't soo what was r|ght
thoro |n tront ot you.'
|o nods. lods |n a way that to||s mo h|s |og|ca|
s|do, tho s|do that ||kos t|dy oxp|anat|ons and oasy
so|ut|ons, |s rar|ng to tako ovor. C|ass|c droamscapo
sconar|o,' ho says, brow s|antod w|th ro||ot. 3or|ous|y.
3ounds to mo ||ko you th|nk l'm not pay|ng you onough
attont|on-that l don't roa||y ||ston-or maybo ovon-'
3ut botoro ho can go any turthor, l cut |t r|ght thoro.
1rust mo, |t wasn't tho k|nd ot droam that can bo
tound |n somo 0roam lntorprotat|on Ono-oh-ono book.
ln ton|ght's droam, just ||ko tho droam l had botoro,
whon you roa||zod you cou|dn't t|ght |t, whon you
roa||zod you woro trappod torovor, wo||, you gavo up.
You just droppod your t|sts, c|osod your oyos, and
s||ppod away. 3||ppod |nto tho 3hadow|and.'
|o swa||ows hard, tr|os to tako |t |n str|do, but |t's no
uso. |o's c|oar|y as shakon as l was whon l droamod
|t.
And thon, just attor that, ovoryth|ng d|sappoarod.
And by ovorytblog l moan you, tho g|ass pr|son, tho
stago-o|| o lt. 1ho on|y th|ng |ott was th|s g|oomy,
damp patch ot oarth, a |ot ||ko tho ono wo'ro |n now.' l
rub my ||ps togothor, soo|ng tho scono so c|oar|y |n my
hoad |t's as though l'm |mmorsod |n |t. 3ut that |ast
part was now. l moan, |t wasn't |n tho or|g|na| droam.
3t|||, tho socond l woko l koow that not on|y woro tho
two droams connoctod, but that thoy woro connoctod
to th|s p|aco as wo||. l koow l had to como horo. |ad to
soo tor myso|t. 3oo |t l was r|ght. l'm just sorry l
draggod you a|ong tor tho r|do.'
Vy oyos grazo ovor h|m, tak|ng |n h|s bod-rutt|od
ha|r, tho sott, wr|nk|od 1-sh|rt, tho worn-|n joans-
c|othos gathorod |n a hurry, |n hasto, just soconds
botoro l man|tostod tho go|don vo|| ot ||ght that |od us
both horo. |oo||ng h|s strong, capab|o arms s||d|ng
around mo, tho warmth ot thom rom|nd|ng mo ot just a
tow hours oar||or whon wo s||d botwoon tho shoots,
tuckod our bod|os t|ght|y togothor, and sott|od |n tor
tho n|ght.
3ack whon our on|y |mmod|ato concorn was that ot
3ab|no and how sho wou|d hand|o tho socond wook |n
a row that l'd ta||od to go homo.
|ow sho'd hand|o tho tact that l took hor at hor word
whon sho warnod mo not to como back unt|| l sought
tho k|nd ot ho|p sho's conv|ncod that l nood.
And wh||o l'vo no doubt l nood ho|p, ospoc|a||y |n
||ght ot a|| that's botoro mo, untortunato|y |t's not tho
k|nd ot ho|p 3ab|no moant. lt's not tho k|nd ot ho|p that
can bo tound |n a proscr|pt|on, a psych|atr|st's couch,
or ovon tho |atost so|t-ho|p book.
lt roqu|ros somoth|ng much groator than that.
Wo ||ngor, tho two ot us gaz|ng upon |avon's gravo.
0amon's thoughts carotu||y mo|d|ng w|th m|no,
rom|nd|ng mo that no mattor tho consoquoncos, no
mattor what ||os ahoad, ho's thoro tor mo. l had no
cho|co but to do what l d|d.
3y k||||ng |avon, l savod V||os. 3avod myso|t. 3ho
cou|dn't hand|o tho powor, pushod ovory |ast ||m|t. Vy
mak|ng hor |mmorta| brought out a who|o now s|do ot
hor-ono that wo d|dn't oxpoct.
3ut that's whoro 0amon and l d|ttor. l'm moro
|nc||nod to bo||ovo what V||os sa|d just short|y attor l'd
sparod h|m trom hor. 1hat thoro was noth|ng now or
surpr|s|ng about |avon's dark s|do, |t'd a|ways boon
thoro, sho oxh|b|tod s|gns a|| a|ong. 3ut, as hor
tr|onds, wo tought to |gnoro |t-choso to |ook past |t,
to soo on|y tho ||ght. And whon l |ookod |nto hor oyos
that n|ght, saw tho way thoy g|oamod w|th v|ctory whon
sho tossod loman's sh|rt-my |ast roma|n|ng hopo ot
gott|ng tho ant|doto that w||| a||ow 0amon and mo to
bo togothor-|nto tho t|amos, wo||, thoro was no doubt
|n my m|nd that hor dark s|do had comp|oto|y
oxt|ngu|shod tho bottor part ot hor.
And as tar as 0r|na's doath |s concornod, wo||, |t
was o|thor k||| or bo k|||od. lt's as s|mp|o as that.
loman's tho untortunato ono-but st||| an acc|dont
puro and s|mp|o. A m|sundorstand|ng ot tho most
trag|c k|nd, l'm suro ot that now. l know |n my hoart that
1udo's d|sastrous |ntortoronco was an act ho
comm|ttod so|o|y |n my bost |ntorost. ||s |ntont|ons
woro good.
l saw |t unto|d |n h|s hoad.
Wo r|so to our toot, s|ow|y, so|omn|y, a|| too awaro
that tho answors wo sook won't bo tound horo, that our
bost bot |s to start at tho Groat |a||s ot loarn|ng and
soo whoro that |oads. And wo'ro just about to go
thoro, whon wo hoar |t. 1ho tuno that causos us to
troozo:
lrom tbo moo lt sbo|| rlso
Lltlog opworo toworo vost oroomy sklos
1ost os yoo-yoo-yoo sbo|| rlso too .
0amon grasps my hand t|ghtor, pu||s mo c|osor, as
wo turn to taco hor togothor. 1ak|ng |n tho |ong w|sps
ot ha|r that, hav|ng oscapod tho cont|nos ot tho bra|d
that tra||s down hor back, t|oat troo|y around hor
crump|od, anc|ont taco, mak|ng tor an oor|o s||vory
ha|o ottoct, wh||o hor rhoumy, cataract-c|umpod oyos
sott|o on m|no.
lrom tbo ooop ooo oork ooptbs
lt strogg|os toworo tbo |lgbt
Loslrlog oo|y ooo tblog
7bo trotb!
7bo trotb o lts bolog
Bot wl|| yoo |ot lt
l|| yoo |ot lt rlso ooo b|ossom ooo grow
Or wl|| yoo oomo lt to tbo ooptbs
l|| yoo boolsb lts woro ooo woory soo|
3ho ropoats tho tuno, omphas|z|ng tho ond ot oach
vorso. |or vo|co r|s|ng as sho s|ngs, Rlso-sklos-
too-ooptbs-|lgbt-tblog-trotb-bolog-lt-grow
-ooptb-soo|-soo|-soo|-' ropoat|ng tho |ast part
aga|n and aga|n, hor oyos mov|ng ovor mo, ana|yz|ng,
obsorv|ng, ovon though thoy appoar to bo s|ght|oss,
as hor gnar|od, bumpy o|d hands ||tt botoro hor-
cupp|ng, r|s|ng-hor t|ngors s|ow|y unto|d|ng as a
spray ot ash spows torth trom hor pa|ms.
0amon's gr|p t|ghtons, t|ash|ng hor a harsh
moan|ngtu| g|aro as ho warns, 3tay back.'
Vanouvor|ng |n tront ot mo, whon ho adds, 3top r|ght
thoro. 0on't como any c|osor.' ||s vo|co |ovo|, suro,
conta|n|ng an undor|y|ng throat that's |mposs|b|o to
m|ss.
3ut |t sho hoard, sho pays h|m no not|co. |or toot
koop mov|ng, shutt||ng torward, wh||o hor oyos koop
star|ng and hor ||ps cont|nuo to uttor tho tuno.
3topp|ng just shy ot us, po|sod r|ght at tho vory odgo
ot tho por|motor-tho p|aco whoro tho grass onds and
tho mud bog|ns-hor vo|co suddon|y chang|ng,
|owor|ng, whon sho says, Wo'vo boon wa|t|ng tor
you.' 3ho bows |ow botoro mo, bond|ng w|th a
surpr|s|ng amount ot ag|||ty and graco tor somoono so
agod, so . ootlqootoo.
3o you'vo sa|d,' l rop|y, much to 0amon's d|smay.
Loo`t oogogo bor! ho monta||y warns. 1ost o||ow
my |ooo. l`|| got os oot o boro.
Words l'm suro sho ovorhoard whon hor gazo
sw|tchos to h|m. 1ho sun-b|oachod b|uo ot hor c|umpy
o|d |r|sos pract|ca||y ro|||ng |n tho|r sockots whon sho
says, 0amon.'
1ho sound ot |t caus|ng h|m to st|tton, as ho monta||y
and phys|ca||y proparos tor just about anyth|ng-
anyth|ng oxcopt what comos noxt.
0amon. Augustus. Notto. Espos|to. You'ro tho
roason.' |or w|spy ha|r ||tts and tw|r|s |n a man|tostod
broozo that sw|r|s a|| around. And Ado||na, tho curo.'
3ho prossos hor pa|ms togothor as hor gazo p|oads
w|th m|no.
l g|anco botwoon thom, unab|o to doc|do wh|ch |s
moro d|sturb|ng: tho tact that sho knows h|s namo-
h| s o|| namo, |nc|ud|ng ono l'vo novor hoard botoro,
a|ong w|th ono pronouncod |n a way l'vo novor hoard
botoro, or tho way 0amon's taco b|anchod and h|s
body st|||od tho momont sho b|amod h|m.
lot to mont|on, who tho hock |s Aoo|loo?
3ut tho rop||os that sw|r| through h|s m|nd d|o |ong
botoro thoy can roach h|s ||ps, ha|tod by tho |||t ot hor
vo|co, say|ng, E|ght. E|ght. 1h|rtoon. Oh. E|ght. lt's tho
koy. 1ho koy that you nood.'
l g|anco botwoon tho two ot thom, not|ng tho way h|s
oyos narrow, h|s jaw gr|nds, muttor|ng a str|ng ot
undoc|phorab|o words undor h|s broath as ho gr|ps
my hand t|ghtor and attompts to hoavo us both out ot
tho mud, away trom hor.
3ut dosp|to h|s warn|ng mo not to |ook back, l do
anyway. G|anc|ng ovor my shou|dor and star|ng r|ght
|nto thoso rhoumy o|d oyos, hor sk|n so trag||o, so
trans|ucont, |t appoars to bo ||t trom w|th|n, hor ||ps
sott|y y|o|d|ng as sho s|ngs, Elgbt-olgbt-tblrtooo-
ob-olgbt. 1hat's tho bog|nn|ng. 1ho bog|nn|ng ot tho
ond. On|y you can un|ock |t. On|y you-you-you
-Aoo|loo.'
1ho words ||ngor|ng, haunt|ng, taunt|ng-chas|ng us
a|| tho way out ot 3ummor|and.
A|| tho way back to tho oarth p|ano.
|o dot|n|to|y hurr|od.
l can to|| just by |ook|ng.
Usua||y ho's so ovoryth|ng-|n-|ts-p|aco portoct-tho
postor boy tor u|t|mato coo|, ca|m, and comp|oto and
tota| co||octodnoss no mattor tho occas|on. 3ut,
stand|ng botoro mo now, w|th h|s taco s||ght|y t|ushod,
h|s ha|r ta|||ng |nto h|s oyos, h|s c|othos tho s||ghtost b|t
d|shovo|od, wo||, on anyono o|so |t wou|d hard|y bo
worth not|c|ng, but on 0amon, |t's a suro s|gn ot oagor
ant|c|pat|on.
Wo|| th|s was unoxpoctod. Wo|como. ln tact, moro
than wo|como, don't got mo wrong, but st|||
unoxpoctod.'
l hau| myso|t up trom my s|unkod-down pos|t|on on
tho b|g, wh|to, morsbmo||owy couch. C|oar|ng my taco
ot d|sappo|ntmont, l strugg|o to rop|aco |t w|th an
oagornoss to match 0amon's own-an act that
provos to bo no oasy toat attor just hav|ng ta||od at my
|ast-d|tch |doa.
3t|||, |t's t|mo to movo on, l'm suro ot that now, so l
torco a sm||o onto my taco, ono that starts to too| roa|
tho momont l soo tho trosh|y p|ckod tu||p 0amon ho|ds
|n h|s hand. ||s taco ||ghts up w|th a gr|n that grows |n
|ntons|ty as ho movos c|osor to mo, covor|ng tho
d|stanco |n |oss than a handtu| ot stops, h|s body
appoar|ng ||ko a rap|d dark b|ur unt|| tho noxt th|ng l
know ho's p|ac|ng tho tu||p onto my |ap, sott||ng |n
bos|do mo, and g||mps|ng tho romoto l st||| grasp.
0|d you t|nd 1udo?' l ask, want|ng to covor tho
sor|ous aspocts botoro wo got too d|stractod by our
pasts.
|o nods, scoochos c|osor, a||ows h|s arm to s||do
around mo.
Aoo 0|d ho t|nd anyth|ng?'
0amon |ooks at mo, tho s||ght shako ot h|s hoad tho
on|y answor l nood.
3ut ovon though |t |oavos mo too||ng somowhat
dot|atod (okay, maybo moro than somowbot), l don't
s|gh or groan or anyth|ng ot tho sort. ln tact, l don't do
much ot anyth|ng to |ot on just how tho nows attocts
mo.
lart ot mo know|ng |t's a|| tor tho bost-just whon
0amon and l aro do|ng so wo||, tu||y comm|ttod to
oach othor ||ko novor botoro-just whon ho's roady to
wh|sk mo away on somo wondortu|, oxot|c, romant|c
(st||| undotorm|nod) vacat|on-wo||, tho |ast th|ng l
nood |s to throw a wronch |nto our curront stato ot b||ss
-ospoc|a||y attor a|| that wo wont through to t|nd
ourso|vos horo.
1ho |ast th|ng wo nood |s tor mo to |oad us a|| ott on
somo crazy w||d-gooso chaso, stoadtast|y |gnor|ng tho
obv|ous, tho g|ar|ng, |mposs|b|o-to-|gnoro tact that a||
s|gns c|oar|y po|nt to mo bo|ng wrong. Wo|| awaro that
th|s |s ono ot thoso t|mos whon |t's bost to bo wrong,
that bo|ng r|ght wou|d on|y ond |n a batch ot oxtromo
unp|oasantnoss.
Yop, part ot mo knows oxact|y that.
And, as tor tho othor part, wo||, |t's just gonna havo
to |oarn to cry unc|o.
3o, wh|ch ono w||| |t bo?' 0amon asks, wast|ng no
t|mo |n stoa||ng tho romoto.
l narrow my oyos, trown|ng at h|m |n a p|aytu| way.
lomombor|ng tho |ast t|mo ho d|dn't sw|po |t |n t|mo,
a||ow|ng mo to push a sor|os ot buttons that rovoa|od
a trag|c yot u|t|mato|y hopotu| s|avo ||to ho'd hopod to
koop h|ddon.
lt's not bocauso ot that,' ho says, m|sroad|ng tho
trown and try|ng to hand |t r|ght back. Want|ng mo to
know, |n no uncorta|n torms, that l roa||y, tru|y havo
soon |t a||, w|tnossod a|| ot my ||vos, no mattor how
bad.
3ut l'm qu|ck to wavo |t away, ovoryth|ng l'vo tr|od
so tar has ta||od, so l'm happy to |ot h|m tako ovor
trom horo.
Vy gazo |ovo| on h|s, unab|o to koop tho t|ush trom
r|s|ng to my chooks whon l say, |ow about london?' l
b|ush. l can't ho|p |t. lo mattor how tr|vo|ous and
sha||ow l m|ght'vo boon, l'm roa||y qu|to tond ot tho ||to l
onco ||vod as tho boaut|tu|, dark-ha|rod, spo||od
daughtor ot a 3r|t|sh |and baron. l guoss bocauso l
was so untroub|od back thon, so troo ot burdons. Vy
unt|mo|y dom|so at 0r|na's hands was tho on|y dark
spot on that ont|ro hor|zon.
0amon squ|nts, t|ngors po|sod ovor tho buttons.
Aro you suro? london? lot Amstordam?' |o |ooks
at mo w|th an |rros|st|b|o puppy dog gazo.
Vy ||ps qu|rk |n rosponso, know|ng oxact|y why
0amon a|ways wants to rov|s|t Amstordam, dosp|to
h|s c|a|m that |t's bocauso ho gots to pa|nt (art bo|ng a
|ovo that tra||s socond to mo), l know bottor. l know |t's
bocauso ho gots to pa|nt mo as a baro|y c|othod, vory
t||rtat|ous, comp|oto|y |mmodost, t|t|an-ha|rod art|st's
muso.
l nod my consont, th|nk|ng |t's tho |oast l can do attor
a|| that t|mo l spont bor|ng h|m to doath |n tho Groat
|a||s ot loarn|ng. And |t's just a mattor ot soconds
unt|| tho scroon t|ashos botoro us and ho grabs ho|d ot
my hand, r|s|ng trom tho couch as ho qu|ck|y |oads mo
to |t.
3ut just ||ko l usua||y do, l sk|d to a stop r|ght botoro
|t. |rom whoro l stand, |t appoars to bo a hard, hoavy,
torobod|ng s|ab-tho k|nd that wou|d g|ad|y roward
you w|th a major concuss|on tor bo|ng too||sh onough
to ovon try to morgo |nto |t. G|v|ng no v|s|b|o s|gn that
|t's somoth|ng that y|o|ds onough tor ono to s||p |nto.
And, just ||ko ho usua||y doos, 0amon |ooks at mo
and says, Bo|lovo.'
3o l do. 1ak|ng a doop broath and c|os|ng my oyos
as though l'm about to d|vo |nto a vory doop poo|, l
pross my body aga|nst |t, cont|nu|ng to push unt||
wo'ro c|oar on tho othor s|do-unt|| wo'ro ono w|th tho
scono.
1ho t|rst th|ng l do |s bury my hands doop |nto my
ha|r. 1hroad|ng my t|ngors through tho strands and
sm|||ng at tho sott s||ky too| ot |t. l |ovo th|s ha|r. l know
|t's va|n, but l can't ho|p |t, l do. lts co|or cons|st|ng ot
tho most boaut|tu| b|az|ng rod, ||ko a r|otous sunsot
w|th just a h|nt ot go|d tra|ps|ng through. And whon l
gazo down at my dross, or, moro accurato|y, tho
baro|y thoro s||p ot t|osh-co|orod s||k that drapos and
sw|r|s a|| around mo, procar|ous|y ho|d togothor by a
|ooso knot t|od at tho back ot my nock, wo||, l'm a|ways
now|y amazod by tho amount ot cont|donco |t takos to
woar somoth|ng ||ko th|s. Whon l'm horo, drossod as
hor, l don't too| tho s||ghtost b|t shy.
3ut thon l'm no |ongor sovontoon-yoar-o|d Evor-
sho's boon rop|acod by n|notoon-yoar-o|d ||our-a
boaut|tu| 0utch g|r| w|th no doubt ot hor boauty, no
doubt ot horso|t.
lo doubt ot tho bottom|oss |ovo sh|n|ng |n tho oyos
ot tho dark|y handsomo art|st who stands at h|s oaso|
and pa|nts hor.
l movo through tho t|o|d ot tu||ps, gracotu||y, oas||y,
onjoy|ng tho too| ot tho sott, s||ky pota|s and stoms
brush|ng aga|nst mo, stopp|ng |n just tho r|ght spot
and turn|ng toward h|m, ho|d|ng tho poso ho's askod
mo to koop.
Vy gazo mov|ng among tho t|owors to tho c|oud-
stroakod sky, protond|ng to bo prooccup|od,
capt|vatod by tho bounty ot naturo that surrounds mo,
whon roa||y l'm just wa|t|ng tor tho |nov|tab|o momont
whon ho'|| abandon tho pa|nt|ng tor mo.
l a||ow my oyos to ||ght onto h|s, porm|tt|ng on|y a
ghost ot a sm||o whon l soo tho way h|s brush tromb|os
-a suro s|gn that |t's just a mattor ot soconds botoro
ho d|tchos tho p|oasuro ot captur|ng mo on canvas tor
tho p|oasuro ot captur|ng mo |n h|s arms. l can soo tho
hungor, tho smo|dor|ng b|azo ot dos|ro that t|aros |n
h|s gazo.
And |t's not |ong botoro ho sots h|s brush as|do and
makos h|s way toward mo. ||s ga|t s|ow, contro||od,
but comp|oto|y do||borato, tho t|ro |n h|s oyos hoat|ng
to whoro l can too| tho|r warmth trom whoro l stand.
lrotond|ng to bo so absorbod |n tho poso l'vo yot to
not|co h|s noarnoss, tho t|ng|o and hoat that t|ows
through mo, |nto mo, a|| around mo-a t||rtat|ous gamo
wo both ||ko to p|ay.
3ut |nstoad ot tak|ng mo |nto h|s arms, ho stops just
botoro mo, taco uncorta|n, t|ngors qu|vor|ng as ho
roachos |nto h|s pockot tor tho sma|| s||vor t|ask. 1ho
ono conta|n|ng tho strango, rod, opa|oscont brow ho
otton dr|nks. ||s oyos cont|nu|ng to burn |nto m|no,
though a|ong w|th tho usua| b|ur ot nood, thoro's
somoth|ng now |urk|ng boh|nd |t-somoth|ng as
|mposs|b|o to road as |t |s to dony.
||s t|ngors shako as ho grasps tho t|ask, ||tts |t |n
ottor|ng. ||s body urg|ng mo to tako |t, to tasto |t, as
h|s tormontod gazo to||s a who|o othor story. 3o|y|ng a
socrot batt|o that wagos w|th|n, unt|| t|na||y, ovorru|od
by an unnamod toar, h|s oxpross|on changos to ono ot
a b|ttor roso|ut|on so bruta|, ho roturns tho t|ask, and
roachos tor mo |nstoad.
||s arms c|rc||ng, c|asp|ng mo t|ght|y to h|s chost,
h|s body om|tt|ng such |ovo, such rovoronco, l c|oso
my oyos and s|nk |nto h|m. 3|nk |nto tho too| ot h|s
touch, ot h|s ||ps moot|ng m|no-|ost |n tho wondortu|,
t|oaty, wo|ght|oss too||ng ot bo|ng w|th h|m. l|ko
sk|mm|ng through c|ouds, surt|ng ovor ra|nbows-wo
aro grav|ty doty|ng, bound|oss. 1ho two ot us |ockod |n
tho k|nd ot doop|y ||ngor|ng sou|tu| k|ss wo can no
|ongor manago back homo on tho oarth p|ano.
K|ss|ng |n a way that, wh||o much bottor than what
wo'ro capab|o ot back homo, a|so boars tho
rostr|ct|ons ot what transp|rod botoro.
||s t|ngors croop upward, s||pp|ng |nto tho t||msy
s||k knot at my nock. 1ust about to ro|oaso |t, ro|oaso
mo, whon l (sho!) mako a sma|| sound ot protost and
push h|m away. And, wo||, at that momont, l can't ho|p
but curso hor.
3tup|d ||our.
3tup|d g|r| l usod to bo.
l moan, |t sho was so dang cont|dont-so carotroo
and suro ot horso|t-thon why d|d sho stop h|m just
whon thoy got to tho good part, just whon thoy woro
about to .
Ovorcomo w|th annoyanco that tho doc|s|ons l
mado thon cont|nuo to haunt mo today-dotorm|n|ng
what wo'ro capab|o ot, just how tar wo'ro porm|ttod to
go-my trustrat|on grows so groat, tho noxt th|ng l
know l'm hur|od r|ght out ot tho scono.
l|ght out ot charactor.
l|ght out ot bo|ng ||our, and back to bo|ng mo,
Evor.
l stand thoro, oyos w|do, gasp|ng tor broath.
Amazod to t|nd myso|t st||| part ot tho sconory, ab|o to
obsorvo a|| that goos on botoro mo, though no |ongor
c|a|m|ng ono ot tho starr|ng ro|os.
l had no |doa l cou|d do th|s. lo |doa l cou|d w|||tu||y
roduco myso|t to an on|ookor. |ad no |doa such a
th|ng was ovon poss|b|o.
3ut wh||o l'm stand|ng horo gawk|ng at tho wondor
ot |t a||, 0amon roma|ns comp|oto|y ob||v|ous. 1oo
caught up to not|co. 1oo |mmorsod |n tho momont to
roa||zo that tho g|r| ho tr|os h|s bost to unwrap |s now,
wo||, oooccoploo tor |ack ot a bottor word.
0amon,' l wh|spor, though ho ta||s to turn, ta||s to
roa||zo sho's just an ompty, sou||oss sho||. 0amon,' l
ropoat, a b|t harshor th|s t|mo, but shoosh, onough
a|roady. lt's ||ko watch|ng your boytr|ond mako out w|th
somoono o|so, ovon though that somoono o|so usod
to bo you. 3ut st|||, |t's too wo|rd tor comtort. lt's
troak|ng mo out.
|o pu||s away grudg|ng|y, ro|uctant|y, turn|ng to mo
w|th a |ook that can on|y bo doscr|bod as comp|oto
and uttor contus|on. A doop cr|mson croop|ng trom h|s
nock to h|s chooks whon ho roa||zos ho's just spont
tho |ast sovora| soconds ongagod |n tho 3ummor|and
oqu|va|ont ot a pro-toon g|r| pract|c|ng k|ss|ng on a
p|||ow.
||s oyos dart botwoon us-botwoon tho mov|ng,
||v|ng, broath|ng, roa| vors|on ot mo stand|ng botoro
h|m, and tho unoccup|od and thorotoro somowhat
trans|ucont vors|on ot ||our at h|s s|do. And wh||o
sho's st||| about as a||ur|ng as |t gots, hor curront stato
ot suspondod an|mat|on w|th hor oyos a|| squ|nty, ||ps
a|| puckorod, ha|r a|| askow, wo||, l can't ho|p but |augh,
roa||z|ng ho doosn't soo |t qu|to |n tho way that l do
whon ho ta||s to |augh too.
What's go|ng on?' 0amon trowns, roadjust|ng tho
|ooso cotton sh|rt ho woro |n that t|mo.
l'm sorry-l just.' l |ook around, do|ng my bost to
smothor tho |augh, know|ng ho's ombarrassod onough
as |t |s. l guoss l just.' l shrug and start aga|n. Wo||,
l'm not oxact|y suro what happonod. lt's ||ko, ono
m|nuto l was go|ng through tho mot|ons and tho noxt l
was so trustratod w|th hor tor push|ng you away my
trustrat|on propo||od mo r|ght out ot tho scono, r|ght
out ot bor.'
And how |ong ago was that? |ow |ong havo you
boon stand|ng thoro watch|ng?' ho asks, whon what
ho's roa||y wondor|ng |s just how ombarrassod ho
shou|d bo.
lot |ong. loa||y.' l nod v|gorous|y |n hopos ho'||
bo||ovo mo.
|o nods too, obv|ous|y ro||ovod, h|s co|or roturn|ng
to norma| as ho roachos tor mo.
l'm sorry, Evor. l roa||y, tru|y am. Evoryth|ng l'vo
tr|od so tar has ta||od. l can't soom to dotorm|no
loman's ant|doto no mattor how hard l try.' |o gazos
at mo w|th a taco tu|| ot dotoat. And unt|| l can como
up w|th somo othor opt|on, somoth|ng l havon't yot
tr|od, wo||, l'm atra|d th|s |s as good as |t gots tor us.
3ut |t |t's bocom|ng a sourco ot trustrat|on, thon
maybo wo shou|d stop com|ng horo-or at |oast tor a
wh||o anyway?'
lo!' l |ook at h|m, shak|ng my hoad, that's not at a||
what l moant, not |n tho |oast. lo, no, that's.' l'm
qu|ck to wavo |t away. lt's not ||ko l wasn't caught up
|n tho momont too, bocauso l was. l was onjoy|ng hor
t||rtat|ous gamo just as much as you woro. And, trust
mo, l'm as surpr|sod as you that th|s happonod. l
moan, wh||o l'vo dot|n|to|y had tho occas|ona| thought
that soomod out ot charactor, th|s |s tho t|rst t|mo ono
ot thoso thoughts has knockod mo r|ght out ot
charactor. l d|dn't ovon know th|s was poss|b|o-olo
yoo'
|o |ooks at mo and shrugs, a|ways too caught up |n
tho momont to havo ovon bothorod w|th th|nk|ng about
|t.
3ut st|||, now that wo'ro horo.' l pauso, wondor|ng
|t l shou|d roa||y go through w|th th|s, thon doc|d|ng l
havo noth|ng to |oso. Wo||, thoro |s a po|nt l wantod to
mako, somoth|ng that rocont|y camo to mo.'
|o wa|ts, wa|ts tor mo to stop w|th tho protac|ng
and got to |t a|roady.
l pross my ||ps togothor and gazo a|| around, try|ng
to organ|zo my thoughts, gathor just tho r|ght words. l
hadn't actua||y p|annod on broach|ng |t, had no
|ntont|on ot go|ng thoro, and yot, that's not onough to
stop mo trom turn|ng to h|m, tho words rush|ng torth
whon l say, l'vo boon th|nk|ng-okay, l'm not suro how
to say th|s, but, you know how ovory t|mo wo como
horo wo chooso botwoon my ||vos?'
0amon nods pat|ont|y, though h|s gazo botrays just
tho oppos|to.
Wo||, thoro's a part ot mo that can't ho|p th|nk|ng:
Why do wo a|ways chooso botwoon my ||vos? What |t
bo|ng 0amon Augustus lotto Espos|to wasn't your
t|rst ||to?'
|o doosn't gapo, doosn't gawk, doosn't t||nch,
shutt|o, tumb|o, or mumb|o or any ot tho norvous ||tt|o
t|mo-sta|||ng manouvors l wou|d'vo g|ad|y bot my
monoy on.
lopo, ho just cont|nuos to stand thoro, h|s taco a
comp|oto b|ank, dovo|d ot oxpross|on, as though ho
has no thoughts on tho |doa l just ra|sod. look|ng as
though l'd just spokon |n ono ot tho tow |anguagos
ho's not qu|to prot|c|ont |n.
l|ght botoro you got horo, l usod tho romoto to
punch |n tho numbors-you know, o|ght, o|ght,
th|rtoon, oh, o|ght? l though |t m|ght bo an |mportant
dato or somoth|ng-a t|mo whon wo both ||vod botoro.
And ovon though noth|ng happonod, st|||, l can't ho|p
th|nk|ng |t's a vory roa| poss|b|||ty. l moan, wo both
know l ||vod as a lar|s|an sorvant namod Eva||no,
r|ght? And a lur|tan's daughtor namod Ab|ga||, a
spo||od london soc|a||to, Ch|oo, tho art|st's muso,' l
po|nt d|roct|y at hor, ||our, and tho young s|avo g|r|,
Ema|a-but what |t you woron't a|ways 0amon? What
|t you woro onco, a |ong t|mo ago, a vory |ong t|mo
ago, somoono o|so ont|ro|y?'
bot l yoo rolocorootoo too
loav|ng that |ast b|t unspokon but know|ng ho hoard
|t just tho samo. 1ho words sw|r||ng a|| around us |n a
way that can't bo |gnorod, ovon though |t bocomos
|mmod|ato|y c|oar that 0amon has ovory |ntont|on ot
do|ng just that.
||s st|tt shou|dors and shadowod gazo aro protty
much po|ar oppos|tos ot my g|ow|ng taco and
thrumm|ng body. And try as l m|ght to tompor |t, |t's no
uso. l'm so ovorcomo w|th tho oxc|tomont ot th|s now
|doa-th|s porhaps und|scovorod poss|b|||ty-that l
can pract|ca||y too| tho onorgy sh|mmor|ng around mo.
And |t l had an aura, no |mmorta|s do, but |t l d|d havo
ono, l'm protty suro |t wou|d bo sh|n|ng tho most
boaut|tu|, br||||ant purp|o t|ockod w|th |ots and |ots ot
spark|y go|d b|ts, bocauso that's oxact|y how l too|.
lt's how l koow that l'm r|ght.
3ut, apparont|y l'm tho on|y ono too||ng |t. Wh|ch
moans l watch |n jaw-dropp|ng d|smay as 0amon
turns and |oavos mo |n a t|o|d ot b|az|ng rod tu||ps
w|thout a s|ng|o part|ng word.
l pop out ot 3ummor|and and appoar back at tho
houso, t|nd|ng 0amon |ook|ng v|s|b|y dot|atod as ho
s|umps on tho couch.
l g|anco down at myso|t, not|c|ng how tho t||msy s||p
ot s||k |s |nstant|y rop|acod w|th tho joans and b|uo
swoator trom botoro, just as 0amon's t|owy wh|to sh|rt
and b|ack pants aro tradod tor tho c|othos ho choso
th|s morn|ng.
3ut ovon though h|s c|othos aro transtormod, h|s
mood, untortunato|y, |s not. And as l survoy h|s taco,
soarch|ng tor a h|nt ot k|ndnoss, an opon|ng ot somo
k|nd, l got noth|ng moro than a stony gazo |n roturn. 3o
l hoad tor a noarby wa|| and park myso|t thoro, vow|ng
to |oan aga|nst |t tor howovor |ong |t takos tor h|m to
mako tho noxt movo. Unsuro what angors h|m moro-
my broak|ng troo ot tho scono, or tho |doa that ho
m|ght'vo ||vod botoro. 3ut wh|chovor |t |s, |t's obv|ous|y
un|oashod somo k|nd ot |nnor domon ot h|s.
l thought wo'd movod past th|s,' ho t|na||y says, h|s
gazo |and|ng on m|no but on|y br|ot|y botoro ho's
pac|ng aga|n. l thought you woro roady to movo on
and havo a ||tt|o tun. l thought you roa||zod you woron't
gott|ng anywhoro, that you woro wrong about
3ummor|and, tho dark droary part ot |t, tho o|d |ady
-o|| o lt. l thought you just wantod to mako a stop |n
tho pav|||on so wo cou|d havo a ||tt|o past-||to tun
botoro wo hoadod ott on vacat|on. 1hon tho m|nuto wo
t|na||y start to havo a good t|mo, you chango your
m|nd. What can l say? l'm a ||tt|o d|sappo|ntod, Evor.
1ru|y.'
l wrap my arms around myso|t, as though thoy'||
ward ott h|s words. lt's not ||ko l was try|ng to
d|sappo|nt h|m, that wasn't at a|| what l |ntondod. 3t|||, l
just can't shako tho |doa that unravo||ng tho o|d
woman's r|dd|o w||| |oad to a happ|or, br|ghtor tuturo
tor us. Wh|ch |s a|| l roa||y want, and l know that's a|| ho
roa||y wants too-dosp|to tho downor mood that ho's
|n.
3ut l don't say any ot that. Vost|y bocauso 0amon
-my sou| mato-tho |ovo ot my ||vos-|s a|ways tho
ono l can count on to d|ttuso my omot|ona| |and m|nos
wo|| botoro thoy havo a chanco to oxp|odo |n our
tacos. 3o tho |oast l can do |s roturn tho tavor.
|o |ooks at mo, st||| c|oar|y unhappy. 3o l koop my
vo|co purposo|y sott and mo||ow, ro|ax|ng my body
and ho|d|ng my hands out botoro mo, t|ngors sp|ayod,
pa|ms opon |n a gosturo ot poaco whon l say, Aro you
upsot bocauso l stoppod tho scono and poppod out ot
charactor? Or aro you upsot bocauso l |ns|nuatod you
m|ght'vo ||vod botoro, as somobody o|so? Or-or
both? And |t |t's both, wh|ch |s upsott|ng you moro?'
l wa|t tor h|m to rospond. 3racod tor tho worst,
bracod to hoar just about anyth|ng at th|s po|nt, and
yot st||| takon by surpr|so whon ho says, 1h|s who|o
th|ng |s r|d|cu|ous. l moan, a provloos |lo? Evor,
p|ooso. l'vo boon around tor ovor s|x hundrod yoars
a|roady, doosn't that soom |ong onough to you?'
O-koy.' l drag out tho word, |ntont on mak|ng my
po|nt, but know|ng l nood to troad carotu||y, th|s who|o
subjoct has c|oar|y h|t a norvo. And l'vo poppod |n
and out ot ox|stonco tor tour hundrod yoars . tbot wo
koow o.' l nod, know|ng |t's suro to upsot h|m but |t
has to bo sa|d.
1hat you koow o?' |o |ooks at mo, choos|ng to
tako that porsona||y. You th|nk thoro's moro that l'm
h|d|ng trom you? Anothor s|avo ||to porhaps?'
lo.' l shako my hoad, qu|ck to rotuto |t, want|ng
dosporato|y to d|ttuso |t. lo, not at a||. l was actua||y
th|nk|ng moro a|ong tho ||nos ot thoro bo|ng othor ||vos
that-that wo'ro oot awaro ot. l moan, 0amon,
sor|ous|y, you'vo got to at |oast adm|t tho poss|b|||ty. l
moan, what? You th|nk tho wor|d just sprang up a||
around you tho day you camo |nto tho wor|d as 0amon
Augustus lotto? You th|nk you woro somo now|y
hatchod sou| w|th no past? lo karma to pay ott?'
||s brows draw togothor as h|s oyos grow dark, but
h|s vo|co roma|ns ca|m, ovon, whon ho says, l'm
sorry, Evor. 3orry to trump your |doa w|th tho truth. 3ut
tho tact |s, a sou| has to start somowhoro, to bo 'now|y
hatchod' as you ca|| |t. 3o why not thon and thoro?
3os|dos, |t thoro'd boon anothor ||to, an oar||or ||to, l
wou|d'vo known about |t by now. l wou|d'vo soon |t |n
tho 3hadow|and.'
3o, you'ro to|||ng mo you d|dn't?' l'm unw||||ng to |ot
|t go, dosp|to tho undon|ab|o po|nt ho's just mado,
dosp|to tho stoam runn|ng out ot mo.
l d|d not.' |o nods, taco so|omn, roso|uto,
dotorm|nod not to g|oat w|th tho v|ctory ot w|nn|ng th|s
ono.
l s|gh, c|oso my oyos, and shovo my hands doop
|nto my pockots. loca|||ng my own tr|p to
3hadow|and, tho b|ur ot |magos that p|ayod out botoro
mo-a|| around mo-novor onco soo|ng anyth|ng that
wasn't oxpoctod-no pr|or ||vos l wasn't a|roady
awaro ot.
lo othor vors|on ot mo that wont by tho namo
Ado||na.
loth|ng that took p|aco |n tho yoar 1808.
Vy ||ds ||tt|ng on|y to t|nd 0amon stand|ng botoro
mo, h|s gazo sott and gont|o, pross|ng a bund|o ot
tu||ps |nto my hand. 1ho words l`m sorry, wr|tton |n an
o|aborato bo|d purp|o scr|pt that hovors botwoon us.
Vo too, l wr|to just undornoath. l oloo`t mooo to
olsoppolot yoo.
l know,' ho wh|spors, h|s arms mov|ng around mo
as l c|oso my oyos and |oan |nto tho hug, savor|ng tho
too| ot h|s body aga|nst m|no. And l know l'm go|ng to
||vo to rogrot th|s, but you can havo your wook back.
loa||y. lnvost|gato your hoart out and l'|| do what l can
to ho|p you soarch. 3ut whon tho wook |s ovor, Evor,
you'ro a|| m|no. l'm mak|ng somo sor|ous vacat|on
p|ans.'
1hroo gamos, ono nap (0amon, not mo), and two and
a ha|t bott|os ot o||x|r |ator, sho appoars.
And l moan, sho just-oppoors. l|ko, ono m|nuto
|t's just us, no s|gn ot anyono o|so, and tho noxt sho's
stand|ng botoro us, thoso anc|ont oyos tocusod on mo
as though thoy'd novor |ott.
0amon!' l sparo a momont to g|anco at h|m,
soo|ng tho way ho st|rs |n h|s s|oop and starts to ro||
ovor. l grab ho|d ot h|s |og, g|v|ng |t ono, two good
shakos as l ropoat, 0amon-wako up! 3ho's boro!'
3ay|ng |t as though tho moro s|ght ot hor ho|ds tho
prom|so ot somoth|ng groat-||ko l'd just spottod
3anta w|th a s|o|gh tu|| ot prosonts and a t|oot ot t|y|ng
ro|ndoor.
0amon bo|ts upr|ght, a||ow|ng h|s hand a qu|ck
sw|po ot h|s oyos, c|oar|ng tho s|oop botoro roach|ng
tor mo. A do|ay that causos h|m to m|ss contact, tho
chanco to pu|| mo back to h|m, as l hau| myso|t to my
toot and mako my way toward hor. |av|ng no |doa
what l'|| say, but l'vo wa|tod too |ong |n tho ra|n to m|ss
tho opportun|ty.
You.' sho bog|ns, hor arm s|ow|y ||tt|ng, though l'm
qu|ck to stop hor r|ght thoro. lo nood to go |nto tu||-on
chant modo, not whon wo'vo a|| hoard |t botoro and
roa||y don't nood to hoar |t aga|n.
About that.' l stand botoro hor, carotu| to koop a
cush|on ot a tow toot botwoon us, ovon though at hor
advancod ago l'm protty suro sho's ||| oqu|ppod to
harm mo |n any roa| way. l'vo hoard tho song,
momor|zod tho |yr|cs, and trust mo, l moan no
d|srospoct, but do you th|nk wo cou|d just
commun|cato |n Eng||sh? Or, at |oast tho k|nd ot
Eng||sh l'm usod to, tho k|nd that actua||y makos
sonso?'
Vy oyos travo| ovor hor, tak|ng |n tho s||vor w|sps ot
ha|r, tho start||ng oyos, tho sk|n that appoars so trag||o
and th|n |t |ooks as though |t m|ght snag. 3oarch|ng tor
a roact|on, somo s|gn that sho took ottonso at my
words, but unab|o to t|nd any rosponso othor than a
rhoumy o|d gazo that sw|tchos to 0amon as ho c|a|ms
tho spaco by my s|do. ||s shou|dors squarod, |ogs
stoady, toot p|acod just so, roady|ng h|mso|t to spr|ng
|nto act|on, do whatovor |t takos to dotond mo trom
th|s strango contonar|an shou|d |t como to that.
A thought that sooms so s|||y on tho surtaco, l cou|d
oas||y burst |nto yot anothor t|t ot |aughtor |t th|s wasn't
so sor|ous.
l r|so up on my toos, wo||, as much as ono can whon
knoo-doop |n muck, romombor|ng how ono ot tho |ast
t|mos l saw hor, V|sa and Varco surpr|sod mo by
stopp|ng out trom boh|nd hor, but trom what l can soo,
today thoy'ro not horo.
3o tar |t's just 0amon, tho crazy o|d |ady, and mo.
And, trom what l can to||, sho doosn't soom tho
s||ghtost b|t surpr|sod to t|nd us both wa|t|ng.
l'm about to spoak aga|n, dotorm|nod to movo th|s
th|ng torward and got what l camo tor-dotorm|nod to
c|oar my consc|onco ot tho ovorwho|m|ng|y nagg|ng
doubt that 0amon m|ght bo r|ght attor a||-that th|s |s
a|| somo sort ot cruo| cosm|c joko-that l'm bo|ng
p|ayod |n tho vory worst way-that thoro's no way
o|thor ot us ||vod botoro-whon sho |ooks at mo and
says, Aoo|loo.'
says, Aoo|loo.'
1hat's |t. 3ho just says, Aoo|loo.' 1hon |owors hor
||ds and bows ovor so s||ght|y, hor pa|ms ho|d tast to
tho contor ot hor chost, tho movomont d|roctod at mo
as though sho |s tho worsh|ppor and l'm somo k|nd ot
ha||owod do|ty.
Um, soo, tho th|ng |s,' l start, unsuro how to
rospond to such an awkward gosturo and oagor to
movo past |t, protond |t d|dn't happon. l havo no |doa
what you'ro ta|k|ng about. Vy namo |s Evor and th|s |s
Lomoo-' 0amon shoots mo a |ook ot abso|uto
horror, unhappy at bo|ng pu||od |nto |t. 3o l shoot h|m a
trown, tak|ng a momont to tack on an oyo ro|| to go
a|ong w|th |t, roturn|ng my tocus to hor whon l add, As
you o|roooy know,' shoot|ng 0amon anothor qu|ck
|ook, rom|nd|ng h|m that h|s |dont|ty |s hard|y a socrot
whoro sho's concornod. ln tact, sho sooms to know a||
about h|m, or at |oast h|s tu|| namo anyway. And, l
havo no |doa who th|s Ado||na |s, or what sho cou|d
poss|b|y havo to do w|th mo, so maybo you can t||| mo
|n, what do you th|nk?'
l am lotus,' sho says, vo|co ||ko a wh|spor as hor
gazo ||ghts on m|no.
O-koy, not oxact|y what l askod, but st||| progross. l
guoss.
0amon |s tho roason.' |or hoad turns toward h|m.
Your |ovo |s tho symptom.' 3ho g|ancos back and
torth botwoon us. 3ut you, Ado||na, aro tho curo. 1ho
koy.' 3ho sott|os on mo.
Ob boy.
1ust bocauso l koop myso|t trom s|gh|ng, doosn't
moan l koop myso|t trom th|nk|ng: loro wo go ogolo-
moro cryptlc romb|logs tbot moko obso|oto|y oo
sooso.
l|ston, horo's tho th|ng, ||ko l just sa|d, my namo |s
Evor, oot Ado||na. ln tact, l'vo oovor boon Ado||na. l'vo
boon Eva||no, Ab|ga||, ||our, Ch|oo, and Ema|a but
novor Ado||na. You got tho wroog g|r|.'
l s|gh and turn away, annoyod by tho gamo.
Catch|ng a g||mpso ot ro||ot |n 0amon's gazo-a
g||mpso that soon turns to rago-whon tho o|d woman
stops torward and grabs aho|d ot my s|oovo.
|oy-' 0amon's vo|co |s sharp, but lotus |gnoros
h|m, hor gr|p t|ghton|ng on my arm as sho poors at mo
|ntont|y.
P|ooso. Wo'vo wa|tod so |ong. Wa|tod tor you,
Ado||na. You must roturn. You must mako tho journoy.
You must t|nd tho truth. lt's tho on|y way to ro|oaso
thom. lo|oaso mo.'
Whoro aro V|sa and Varco?' l ask, though l havo
no |doa why. Vaybo |t's bocauso thoy'ro tho on|y
th|ngs that too| tang|b|o and roa| |n th|s othorw|so
surroa| scono.
1horo aro many who awa|t you. 1ho journoy |s
yours. Yours and on|y yours.'
bot journoy?' l ask, vo|co tromb||ng ||ko a sob.
l'm sorry but nono ot th|s makos any sonso. lt |t's so
|mportant tor mo to do th|s, ovon though l'm oot
Ado||na, thon maybo you can qu|t w|th tho puzz|os and
oxp|a|n |t |n a way that'|| moan somoth|ng to mo.'
1ho journoy back.' 3ho bows hor hoad aga|n,
|oav|ng mo w|th a v|ow ot s||vory ha|r w|th no
d|scornab|o part.
3ack to wboro?' l p|oad, taco t|ush|ng w|th tho
mak|ngs ot hystor|a-and know|ng l nood to d|a| |t
down a notch, or maybo two.
3ack to tho bog|nn|ng. 1o tho scono you'vo yot to
soo. 3ack to |ts vory or|g|n. You must soo |t. loarn |t.
Know |t. A|| ot |t. 1hough, you must bo warnod |t |s on|y
tho start. 1ho journoy |s |ong, arduous, but tho roward
vory groat. 1ho truth bogots truo happ|noss-but on|y
tho puro ot hoart may so|zo |t.' |or gazo sw|tch|ng to
0amon as sho adds, 1ho journoy |s yours and yours
a|ono, Ado||na. 0amon |s not wo|como thoro.'
0amon cuts |n, hav|ng hoard moro than onough.
l|ston,' ho says, l don't know what you'ro try|ng to do
horo but-'
||s angor ha|tod by tho surpr|s|ng s|ght ot hor pa|m
r|s|ng, to||owod by tho shock ot |t pross|ng to h|s
chook. lt's ||ko, ono m|nuto ho's yo|||ng, a good two
toot yawn|ng botwoon thom, and tho noxt, sho's
pract|ca||y prossod up aga|nst h|m, hor rhoumy o|d
gazo bor|ng |nto h|s, transm|tt|ng somoth|ng, somo
k|nd ot mossago or momory moant on|y tor h|m.
l watch, tasc|natod, wondor|ng just what |t |s that
transp|ros botwoon thom. Know|ng on|y ono th|ng tor
suro, that whatovor |t |s, |t's caus|ng hor to g|ow |n a
way that prompts a stroam ot ||ght to rad|ato a||
around. 1ho co|or spoctrum so |ntonso, |t's as though
|t or|g|natos trom somowhoro so doop, |t can't ho|p
but soop outward unt|| tho g||mmor surrounds hor.
3ut wh||o sho g|ows, 0amon doos tho oppos|to. ||s
norma||y ta||, |oan torm appoars to darkon and shr|nk
unt|| ho's baro|y a sho|| ot h|mso|t.
0amon Augustus lotto Espos|to,' sho says. Why
do you dony mo?'
l watch, start|od to soo h|m so t|ustorod ho's unab|o
to rospond, unab|o to t|nd h|s own vo|co, much |oss
t|ght h|s way out ot whatovor |t |s that sho shows h|m.
1ust about to |ntorvono whon ho shakos h|s hoad,
stra|ghtons h|s sp|no, and yanks h|mso|t r|ght out ot
hor spo||, pu|||ng h|mso|t togothor onough to say,
You'ro crazy. You'ro wrong ooo you'ro crazy. And
wh||o l havo no |doa what your doa| |s or what you'ro
try|ng to do horo, l do know you bottor stay away trom
Evor. |ar, tar away, do you hoar? Othorw|so, l can't bo
ho|d rospons|b|o tor what happons to you, rogard|oss
ot how o|d you c|a|m to bo.'
3ut |t ho oxpoctod hor to back ott or run away
scarod, wo||, ho must'vo boon just as surpr|sod as l
was to soo hor sm||o |nstoad. 1ho two ot us watch|ng
hor taco br|ghton, hor chooks w|don, hor ||ps
sproad|ng and ||tt|ng onough to d|sp|ay a start||ng
array ot tooth-start||ng |n that a good doa| ot thom
aro o|thor gray|ng, yo||ow|ng, or ont|ro|y m|ss|ng.
|or attont|on sh|tt|ng as sho movos trom h|m to mo,
tak|ng my hand |n hor sott papory dry ono, hor words
cont|dont and suro whon sho says, ||s |ovo |s tho
koy.'
l |ook at hor, ro|oaso myso|t trom hor gr|p. l thought
you sa|d Ado||na was tho koy?'
lt |s ono and tho samo.' 3ho nods, as |t that mado
any sonso. l|oaso. l|oaso cons|dor tho journoy. lt |s
tho on|y way to ro|oaso mo. 1o ro|oaso you as wo||.'
1ho journoy back-back to tho bog|nn|ng?' l say,
sarcasm b|oom|ng. And just whoro doos th|s journoy
start? Whoro doos |t ond?' l |ook at hor, not|c|ng how
sho st||| appoars ||t trom w|th|n.
1ho journoy bog|ns horo.'
3ho po|nts down at our toot, or maybo tho mud, l
can't bo too suro. l'm moro contusod now than l was
whon th|s startod. 3ut whon our oyos moot aga|n, l
know tho |nstruct|on |s ||tora|-tho journoy bog|ns |n
tho vory muck whoro wo stand.
And |t onds |n tho truth.'
And botoro l can say anothor word, botoro l can bog
tor a ||tt|o moro c|ar|t|cat|on, 0amon sw|ngs h|s arm
around my wa|st and pu||s mo away.
|ur||ng tho words ovor h|s shou|dor, not bothor|ng to
|ook back whon ho says, lo ono's go|ng anywhoro.
0on't bothor us aga|n.'
Aoo|loo!'
1ho vo|co that ca||s to mo |s hushod, wh|sporod,
tak|ng groat caro to bo hoard on|y by mo.
Ado||na, my swoot, p|oaso to|| mo you havo como
tor mo!'
l movo away trom tho cornor, out ot tho darknoss
and |nto tho tad|ng stroam ot ||ght just boyond.
||ght|ng to koop my tono ca|m, sto|c, l say, l havo
como tor you, A|r|k.' 3ow|ng |ow botoro h|m, my hands
bur|od |n tho to|ds ot my sk|rt so ho can't soo thom
shako, dosporato to h|do my oxc|tomont, to appoar
rospoctab|o, |ady||ko, sodato.
3ut tho momont l ||tt my hoad, tho momont l soo tho
way h|s dark brown oyos ||ght on m|no, h|s gazo
part|a||y obscurod by tho tumb|o ot dark wavos that ta||
past h|s hoavy tr|ngo ot |ashos, past h|s stra|ght noso,
a|ong tho curv|ng ang|o ot h|s boaut|tu||y scu|ptod
chookbono-whon l soo tho way h|s |ong, |oan torm
t|||s tho doorway-my taco botrays mo.
Vy gazo sparks, my chooks t|ush, and my ||ps bog|n
to qu|vor and cur|, unab|o to conta|n tho surgo ot
oxtromo p|oasuro and joy tho moro s|ght ot h|m br|ngs.
And |t h|s oxpross|on |s anyth|ng to judgo by, thon
ho c|oar|y too|s tho samo way. l can to|| by tho way ho
pausos |n tho throsho|d, tho way ho ||tts h|s torch h|gh,
a||ow|ng tho ||ght to sp||| ovor mo.
A||ow|ng h|s oyos to dovour mo.
l can to|| by tho way h|s broath grows |aborod, tho
way h|s jaw t|ghtons, tho way h|s gazo c|ouds w|th
dos|ro-wo boar tho samo ottoct on oach othor.
And whon ho c|osos tho spaco botwoon us |n a
handtu| ot stops and hugs mo t|ght|y to h|m, whon ho
covors my taco w|th h|s k|ss, h|s ||ps captur|ng m|no,
tus|ng, mo|d|ng, oxp|or|ng-a|| ot my doubts s||p away.
l tocus on|y on tbls.
|oro.
low.
Vy ont|ro wor|d shr|nk|ng unt|| noth|ng o|so ox|sts.
loth|ng othor than tho crush ot h|s ||ps, tho warmth
ot h|s sk|n, and tho swo|| ot t|ng|o and hoat that a|ways
managos to t|nd mo whonovor ho's noar.
lotus|ng to th|nk about a tuturo that can novor bo
ours.
lotus|ng to th|nk about such cruo| th|ngs as c|ass
and pos|t|on and ob||gat|on and tho strango gamo ot
chanco that b|rth ordor br|ngs.
lotus|ng to th|nk about tho tact that dosp|to tho
dopth ot our |ovo, wo can novor bo|ong to oach othor
|n tho way that wo want. A truth that was doc|dod |ong
botoro wo had a chanco to moot, our tuturos
dotorm|nod by othors, not us.
0osp|to tho tact that ho |ovos mo and l h|m-wo w|||
novor marry.
Can't marry.
|o's boon botrothod to anothor s|nco ho was a boy.
Ono whoso tam||y boasts tar moro woa|th than
m|no.
Ono who happons to bo my cous|n, Esmo.
Ado||na,' ho wh|spors, my namo ||ko a prayor on
h|s ||ps. Oh, Ado||na, to|| mo you havo m|ssod mo as
much as l havo m|ssod you.'
Yos, m'|ord.' l pu|| away qu|ck|y, tho b||ss ot a tow
momonts botoro rudo|y smothorod by tho roa||ty wo
t|nd ourso|vos |n. lom|nd|ng mo ot who l am-a poor
ro|at|on to tho d|stant cous|n ho'|| marry, who ho |s-
tho tuturo k|ng ot our t|ny c|ty stato, and whoro wo both
stand-|n an ompty, darkonod sta|| |n h|s stab|o, tho
a|r th|ck w|th tho smo|| ot horso t|osh and hay, a p||o ot
trosh|y |a|d straw at our toot.
V`|oro' |o qu|rks h|s brow, a||ow|ng h|s dark oyos
to grazo ovor mo unt|| moot|ng my b|uo onos, |oav|ng
mo to wondor |t ho soos tho samo th|ngs |n m|no as l
soo |n h|s: d|sappo|ntmont, doubt, and a torvont but
tut||o dos|ro to chango tho status quo. What |s th|s? ls
that how you soo mo now, as |oro?'
Wo||, aron't you? ln pr|nc|p|o anyway?'
lt's chooky, l know, but |t's a|so tho truth. l happon to
know ho ||kos that about mo, tho tact that l don't p|ay
tho usua| gamos, ospoc|a||y whoro courtsh|p |s
concornod. l'm no|thor s|||y, nor t||rty, and somot|mos, l
tond to voor tar moro toward tomboy than g|r|y. 3ut l'm
torthr|ght, d|roct, and l try my bost to to|| |t ||ko |t |s.
l try my bost to ||vo w|thout rogrots.
|o cups my taco |n h|s hands, tracos h|s t|ngor trom
my tomp|o to my ch|n, whoro ho prossos h|s t|ngor and
||tts, torc|ng my oyos to moot h|s. What |s tho roason
tor a|| th|s torma||ty? You act as though wo'vo just mot.
And ovon thon, |t momory sorvos, you woro hard|y
torma| that day-you pushod mo r|ght |nto tho mud,
taco-t|rst no |oss. Your mannors woro corta|n|y |ack|ng,
though you managod to mako qu|to an |mpross|on. l'm
corta|n l havo |ovod you trom that vory momont.
Covorod hoad to too |n muck-l know r|ght thon my
||to wou|d novor bo tho samo.'
A sm||o snoaks onto my taco, romombor|ng tho
momont as c|oar|y as ho. Vo at ton, ho th|rtoon, l'd
boon stay|ng w|th much woa|th|or ro|at|vos and pa|d
h|m a v|s|t w|th my spo||od cous|n Esmo, who so
onjoyod |aud|ng hor woa|th ovor mo, a|ways
compar|ng hor tancy drossos to my moro drab onos,
sho was bocom|ng a choro to to|orato. And so,
annoyod w|th hor constant proon|ng and pranc|ng and
bragg|ng w|th no ond |n s|ght about how handsomo
hor tuturo husband was, how woa|thy, and how
wondortu| |t wou|d bo whon sho was mado quoon and
l'd bo torcod to bow down and k|ss hor toot, wo||, l just
cou|dn't tako |t anymoro, so l marchod r|ght up to h|m,
caught h|m ott guard, and pushod h|m stra|ght |nto tho
pond, thon l turnod to hor and sa|d, 3t||| th|nk ho's
handsomo?' and watchod hor cry and scroam and run
ott to to|| somoono what l'd dono.
lt was a pond,' l say, |ook|ng r|ght at h|m.
A vory moooy pond.' |o nods. lt novor qu|to camo
out ot my c|oth|ng. l st||| havo tho sh|rt that boars tho
sta|n.'
And, |t l romombor corroct|y, l pa|d a grand pr|co
tor that. l was sont homo |mmod|ato|y, and Esmo
novor |nv|tod mo to v|s|t aga|n. Wh|ch, como to th|nk ot
|t, roa||y wasn't much ot a pun|shmont at a||, was |t?'
And yot, you tound your way back. Or at |oast back
to mo anyway.' ||s arms c|rc|o my wa|st, as h|s
t|ngors tra|pso up and down my sp|no. 1ho too| ot |t so
ca|m and sooth|ng, |t's a|| l can do to stay tocusod, on
po|nt, to not succumb to h|s spo||.
po|nt, to not succumb to h|s spo||.
Yos,' l say, my vo|co baro|y a murmur. Aro you
g|ad ot that?' Know|ng that ho |s, but |t's a|ways n|co
to hoar tho words spokon a|oud.
Am l g|ad?' |o throws h|s hoad back and |aughs |n
a way that oxposos a g|or|ous co|umn ot nock |t takos
a|| ot my w||| not to k|ss. 3ha|| l show you tho |ovo| ot
my grat|tudo?'
|o k|ssos mo aga|n, at t|rst p|aytu|, a sor|os ot ||ght
pocks and n|ps, but thon |t grows doopor, much
doopor. 3ut ovon though l try to rospond w|th tho usua|
torvor, somoth|ng |s ott. And ho sonsos |t too.
What has happonod s|nco wo |ast mot? You aro
d|ttoront. |as somoth|ng occurrod to chango your
too||ngs tor mo?'
l torco my gazo away. |orco myso|t to broatho, to
spoak. 3ut tho spooch l rohoarsod as l mado my way
ovor suddon|y oscapos mo.
Ado||na, p|oaso to|| mo-do you no |ongor |ovo
mo?'
lo! Ot courso not! lt's noth|ng ot tho sort! |ow can
you ovon say such a th|ng?'
1hon what? What torr|b|o ovont has you rotus|ng
mo?'
l gathor tho words, strugg|o to movo thom trom my
hoad to my ||ps, but l can't do |t. Can't say what noods
to bo sa|d. 3o, ||ko a coward-a word that has novor
boon usod to doscr|bo mo-l gazo down |nstoad.
ls |t lhys? ls my brothor bothor|ng you aga|n?' ||s
jaw t|ghtons as h|s oyos bog|n to b|azo.
3ut botoro |t can go any turthor, l'm qu|ck to shako
my hoad.
||s brothor lhys |s ta|r ot ha|r and ovon ta|ror ot
taco-h|s obv|ous outor attract|ons go|ng a |ong way
to bo||o a much darkor |ns|do-tho tact that ho's ru|od
by a |ong str|ng ot joa|ous|os ho can novor ovorcomo.
3ocond |n ||no not just tor tho crown-tho chanco to
ru|o h|s tathor's sma|| lbor|an k|ngdom-but a|so tor
h|s tathor's attont|ons, on|y to |oarn that tho g|r| whom
ho |ovos, my spo||od cous|n Esmo, |s dost|nod tor h|s
brothor-tho ono who, |n lhys's op|n|on was born |nto
ovoryth|ng, yot dosorvos noth|ng.
And wh||o l'vo tr|od to gazo upon lhys w|th
compass|on, |t tor no othor roason than tho tact that
wo sharo somoth|ng |n common-wo'ro both bo|ng
kopt trom a chanco at truo happ|noss-bo|ng kopt
trom tho ono wo |ovo duo to po||t|cs, t|nanco, and
trad|t|ons wo just baro|y undorstand-my sympath|os
woro soon thwartod by h|s undon|ab|o moan stroak,
and h|s abjoct cruo|ty toward mo.
As though |t's my do|ng. As though |t's my tau|t that
A|r|k |s botrothod to tho ono lhys |ovos.
As though l wou|dn't chango that |t l cou|d.
As though l wou|dn't rovorso |t, sw|tch up tho b|rth
ordor so that l cou|d ||vo happ||y w|th A|r|k, and ho
cou|d ||vo happ||y w|th Esmo, and wo cou|d a|| ||vo
happ||y ovor attor-protorab|y tar apart trom oach
othor.
3ut a|as, that |s not to bo.
|or ono th|ng, Esmo has no |ntorost |n lhys. 3ho
|ovos A|r|k. 3ho can't wa|t to bo marr|od.
|or anothor, somot|mos, whon l'm try|ng vory hard
to bo |og|ca| and roasonab|o, l rom|nd myso|t that
wh||o l'vo no doubt A|r|k |ovos mo, |ovos mo |n tho way
that l |ovo h|m, l'm not suro l tu||y bo||ovo h|m whon ho
c|a|ms ho has no |ntorost |n tho crown.
lt's h|s b|rthr|ght. As tho t|rstborn son, as h|s tathor's
ho|r, |t's what ho's boon dost|nod tor ovor s|nco ho
camo |nto tho wor|d. 1o turn h|s back on a|| that, wo||, |t
sooms ||ko a sacr||ogo.
Ado||na, p|oaso don't |ook so sad.' A|r|k's ||ps
swoop my taco, dosporato to br|ghton my darkon|ng
mood. lot whon l happon to havo tho most wondortu|
surpr|so tor you.'
l |owor my gazo, assur|ng myso|t l can do th|s. 1hat
l'm roa||y, tru|y roady to go through w|th |t, thon l moot
h|s oyos and say, And l havo ono tor you.'
l tako a doop broath and gathor my strongth. v|rtuo
|sn't somoth|ng ono g|vos away oas||y, not w|thout
marr|ago, or at |oast tho prom|so thoroot. And |t word
got out, wo||, thoro's no doubt |t wou|d ru|n mo. And
yot, l don't caro. l don't caro about ru|os and
convont|ons that havo ovoryth|ng to do w|th tho hoad
wh||o stoadtast|y |gnor|ng tho hoart.
l can't caro about a tuturo l can't ovon soo, much
|oss |mag|no.
A|| l know tor suro |s that A|r|k w||| marry Esmo, and,
ovontua||y, somoono w||| marry mo. 1horo'vo boon
ottors. 3or|ous ottors. 3ut tor now anyway, l rotuso to
ontorta|n thom, no mattor how much my paronts may
bog and p|oad. Evon though l tu||y oxpoct to ono day
||o w|th my husband |n our marr|ago bod, ovon though l
oxpoct ho w||| bo a good and k|nd man w|th much to
rocommond, l know |n my hoart that l w||| novor |ovo
h|m |n tho way l |ovo A|r|k.
1ho k|nd ot |ovo wo sharo on|y comos onco |n a
||tot|mo-and tor somo, not ovon thon.
And |t's tor th|s roason a|ono that l'm proparod to
r|sk |t a||.
lt l do noth|ng o|so w|th th|s ||to l t|nd myso|t |n, l want
to oxpor|onco |ovo |n |ts abso|uto, doopost, truost
torm. Othorw|so, l just can't soo tho po|nt |n go|ng on.
You t|rst,' ho says, oyos g||nt|ng w|th ant|c|pat|on,
as ho grasps my hands |n h|s.
l ||tt my ch|n, ||tt my arms to c|rc|o around h|m, my
hands c|aspod at h|s nock, |ook|ng stra|ght |nto h|s
dark oyos whon l say, l'vo doc|dod that l am roady
and qu|to w||||ng . to mako myso|t yours.'
||s brows morgo, at t|rst not qu|to undorstand|ng
tho moan|ng boh|nd my words. 3ut ho soon catchos
on, roact|ng |n a way l d|dn't oxpoct. As many t|mos as
l rohoarsod th|s sconar|o |n my hoad, not onco d|d l
|mag|no ho'd rop|y |n a burst ot uncontro||od |aughtor.
0oop and hoarty |aughtor. 3o doop and hoarty l'm
atra|d somoono w||| ovorhoar, t|nd us soquostorod |n
horo.
1hon, just as qu|ck|y, ho pu||s mo back to h|m,
covors my taco w|th h|s k|ss onco aga|n, ||ps pross|ng
sott|y aga|nst my t|osh as ho says, Vy doarost
Ado||na, thoro |s no nood tor you to sacr|t|co your
v|rtuo whon you aro soon to bo m|no.'
l pu|| away, staro |nto h|s oyos-my gazo
|ncrodu|ous-h|s roso|uto.
l-l don't undorstand,' l stammor.
Wo aro to bo marr|od.' |o sm||os. You and l. 1ust
||ko wo'vo droamod. lt's a|| boon arrangod. 1ust you
and mo and a mombor ot tho c|orgy. l'm sorry |t won't
bo grand, tho k|nd ot wodd|ng bot|tt|ng my tuturo
quoon, and l'm sorry your tam||y can't bo thoro to
w|tnoss our un|on, though l'm suro you undorstand tho
nood tor groat socrocy. 3ut soon, vory soon, onco
word |s out and my tathor has no cho|co but to accopt
what l'vo dono and a||ow both h|s sons to torgo a
tuturo w|th tho onos thoy |ovo, wo||, thon wo'|| havo tho
grandost party you'vo ovor soon. Ado||na, l prom|so
you that.'
Vy oyos soarch h|s taco, w|sh|ng l cou|d match h|s
|ovo| ot o|at|on, but l'm |ott w|th tar too many quost|ons
to ovon attompt that. 3ut how w||| wo do th|s? boro
w||| wo do th|s? And, moro |mportant|y, A|r|k, your
tathor w||| kl|| you!'
3ut A|r|k just |aughs, oras|ng tho not|on w|th an
|mpat|ont wavo ot h|s hand. K||| h|s t|rstborn son?
lovor! Vy tathor w||| adapt. And whon ho moots you,
gots to know you as wo|| as l do, wo||, ho won't bo ab|o
to ros|st |ov|ng you too-you'|| soo!'
3ut ovon though l'd |ovo to bo||ovo that, l can't. l'm
|oss |doa||st|c than A|r|k. |av|ng mado do w|th tar |oss
tortuno and pr|v||ogo, l'vo oxpor|oncod t|rsthand somo
ot tho moro soar|ng d|sappo|ntmonts ||to br|ngs.
3ut botoro wo can d|scuss any turthor thoro's a
shutt|o ot tootstops, tho unm|stakab|o sound ot boots
trudg|ng a|ong tho |ong d|rt path that runs botwoon tho
sta||s. 3topp|ng just outs|do ot ours, |t's soon to||owod
by a sw|tt knock on tho door and a doop ma|o vo|co
that ca||s, A|r|k? You |n thoro?'
l am,' ho says, ||ps st||| k|ss|ng mo, covor|ng ovory
squaro |nch ot my taco, botoro oxp|or|ng tho doop
squaro nock||no ot my dross. And you may como |n.
1hough l warn you, l am not a|ono, l am onjoy|ng somo
t|mo w|th my br|do.'
l start to pu|| away, too||ng ombarrassod by th|s
pub||c d|sp|ay and |ong|ng tor tho shadowod cornor
aga|n. 3ut A|r|k won't havo |t, and ho pu||s mo back to
h|m. Crook|ng h|s arm t|ght|y around my wa|st as
|oath comos |nto tho room, bows doop|y, and baro|y
tak|ng a momont to vonturo a g|anco at us, says,
V'|ord and Esmo.' ||s back stra|ghton|ng aga|n on|y
to rovoa| a |ook ot puro horror that p|ays across h|s
taco. Oh, Aoo|loo, torg|vo mo. l m|sspoko. l
assumod.' ||s taco hoat|ng to a thousand dogroos,
a||ow|ng tho words to tra|| ott trom thoro. |av|ng
nowhoro to go w|th that, no o|ogant way to tako tho
words back.
Evon worso |s tho tact that |oath has on|y vory
rocont|y askod tor my hand-somoth|ng known on|y to
|oath, my paronts (who sco|dod mo to an
unbo||ovab|o dogroo tor dony|ng h|m), and l. luck||y,
A|r|k hasn't a c|uo. lt ho d|d, ho corta|n|y wou|dn't bo
wo|com|ng h|s o|dost and doarost ch||dhood tr|ond,
h|s tathor's most tavorod kn|ght, |n tho way ho |s now.
Vy oyos grazo ovor |oath, tak|ng |n h|s coarso,
go|don-brown ha|r, h|s start||ng b|uo-groon gazo, h|s
|oan, musc|od torm-too||ng torr|b|y gu||ty at h|s t|nd|ng
us ||ko th|s, know|ng my ||to wou|d bo so much s|mp|or
|t l cou|d just torco myso|t to roturn h|s attoct|ons. 3ut
that's ||ko say|ng |t |t woron't tor tho ox|stonco ot tho
sun you'd bo sat|st|od w|th an ons|aught ot ra|n
ovoryday.
1ho hoart knows no |og|c, and raro|y corrosponds
w|th tho bra|n.
Whon A|r|k |s prosont, ovoryono d|ms.
And as handsomo and k|nd and wo|| |ntont|onod as
|oath |s, ho bocomos noar|y |nv|s|b|o whon ho's noxt
to A|r|k. lt may sound cruo| on tho surtaco, but |t's tho
stono co|d truth.
lonsonso, my tr|ond!' A|r|k cr|os, not at a||
bothorod by |oath's g|ar|ng taux pas. Como jo|n us! l
sont tor you tor a roason, l wantod you to bo tho t|rst to
hoar our happy nows-Ado||na and l aro to bo
marr|od!'
3|r.' |o bows, most|y out ot rospoct, but part|y to
h|do an oxpross|on that |s c|oar|y cont||ctod. And by
tho t|mo ho stra|ghtons aga|n, ho's back |n contro|,
though ho st||| makos an ottort to avo|d |ook|ng at mo.
l trust you w||| koop th|s undor wraps unt|| |t |s t|mo
to rovoa|?'
And whon w||| that bo, s|r?'
1omorrow wo w||| marry. And tho day attor that, l
w||| sharo my joy w|th tho k|ngdom. 3ut tor now, l must
go. l havo somo |ast-m|nuto dota||s to attond to. 3o,
may l trust you to oscort Ado||na, my tuturo br|do,
sato|y homo?'
Ot courso, m'|ord.' |o bows onco moro. 3ut th|s
t|mo, whon l romovo myso|t trom A|r|k's k|ss, l catch
|oath poor|ng at mo |n a way l can't road.
||s taco boar|ng a |ook l cont|nuo to pondor |ong
attor ho's oxchangod |t tor anothor, moro ma||oab|o
ono.
A |ook l cont|nuo to guoss at as wo mako our way
out ot tho stab|os and |nto what's |ott ot tho day||ght.
A |ook that wh||o l st||| can't dot|no, managos to
||ngor-tho shoor |ns|stonco ot |t |oav|ng mo
protound|y unoasy.
C||mb on up.'
l |ook at h|m. |rown|ng as l say, Up thoro? W|th
yoo?'
Un|oss you protor to wa|k.' ||s shou|dors r|so and
ta|| as though ho's proparod to |ot mo do just that.
Why don't yoo wa|k and l'|| r|do?' l p|aco my hands
on my h|ps, vow|ng to to|| A|r|k about th|s |ator.
lopo, not a chanco.' |o shakos h|s hoad. |or ono
th|ng |t's dark out. |or anothor |t's co|d. And, tor
anothor.' |o pro|ongs tho pauso, mak|ng mo wa|t tor
|t, as though l actua||y caro. l'm not a|| that b|g on
act|ng nob|y or gont|oman|y. Espoc|a||y whon l don't
oxpoct to got anyth|ng out ot |t. 1hough, |t l woro to got
somoth|ng out ot |t, thon l may rocons|dor.'
l gazo up |nto thoso g||nt|ng b|uo oyos, tho haughty
arc ot h|s go|don-b|ond brow, tho t|ash ot wh|to tooth |n
tho b|ackonod n|ght sky. A s|ght that |oavos most g|r|s
too||ng ta|nt, woak |n tho knoos, roady to succumb to
h|s ovory wh|m and nood-but tor mo, |t just makos
my stomach turn, makos mo too| as though l m|ght
hoavo.
ls th|s how you t||rt w|th Esmo?' l ask, know|ng l
shou|dn't ongago h|m, but |t's not ||ko that stops mo. lt
so, l can't |mag|no why sho'd rojoct you |n tavor ot your
brothor. 1o|| mo, lhys, has sho soon th|s oh-so-
charm|ng s|do ot you?'
l wa|t tor h|s rop|y, oxpoct|ng h|m to got mad, to say
somoth|ng cruo| about my |ooks, my tam||y's |ow
status and |ack ot t|nancos, but |nstoad ho just |aughs,
h|s sm||o grow|ng w|dor whon ho says, lah, w|th
Esmo, |t's a|| pomp and show, and noth|ng but tho
doopost courtosy and rospoct. You havo to know how
to p|ay a g|r| ||ko hor. 3ho's groody, suport|c|a|, and
va|n. 1ho on|y th|ng sho soos |n my brothor |s what's
soon to bo m|no-tho powor ot h|s pos|t|on, and,
moro |mportant|y, tho crown. Wo'ro a |ot a||ko, Esmo
and l. Wo woro mado tor oach othor. Wo bo|oog
togothor. 3ho and l aro tw|n sou|s, and somoday sho'||
roa||zo |t too.'
l cont|nuo to gazo at h|m, t|sh|ng around tor somo
k|nd ot sarcast|c rop|y, but tho onos l como up w|th d|o
r|ght on my ||ps. What ho sa|d |s romarkab|y truo. 1hoy
aro sha||ow, and va|n, and oxtromo|y narc|ss|st|c-and
h|s ab|||ty to roa||zo that truth rovoa|s an amaz|ng
amount ot so|t-awaronoss and |ns|ght l novor wou|d'vo
oxpoctod.
3o how |ong aro you p|ann|ng to stand thoro ||ko
that?' ho asks, vo|co borod, thumbs tapp|ng aga|nst
tho horn ot tho sadd|o.
Why d|dn't you br|ng a carr|ago?' l ask, st||| not
w||||ng to r|do tandom w|th h|m, though c|oar|y my
opt|ons aro ||m|tod.
Watch|ng as ho hoavos a doop s|gh and spr|ngs
trom h|s mount unt|| ho's stand|ng botoro mo, a
smattor|ng ot |nchos tho on|y th|ng that soparatos us.
3ocauso a carr|ago attracts tar too much not|co at
th|s hour,' ho says. lomombor, th|s |s supposod to
bo a socrot. Wh|ch moans l d|dn't th|nk you'd want to
|ot your paronts |n on tho tact that you'ro o|op|ng-
ovon |t |t |s w|th tho |oca| roya|ty. 3ut l'm atra|d |t you
|ns|st on cont|nu|ng to d|ckor ||ko th|s, wo||, thoro w|||
bo no nood tor socrocy as tho who|o damn v|||ago w|||
soon bo |n on your tryst. 3o como on, Ado||na, what
do you say? You st||| p|ann|ng to push aga|nst mo, or
aro you roady to subm|t to tho path ot |oast
ros|stanco? 3o a good g|r| and hop up-A|r|k |s
wa|t|ng.'
l swa||ow hard, swa||ow my pr|do, and nod my
consont. 3rac|ng aga|nst tho too| ot h|s hands at my
wa|st as ho ||tts mo up h|gh and gots mo a|| sott|od,
botoro ho hops up h|mso|t and warns mo to ho|d on
t|ght or r|sk tumb||ng ott. 3omoth|ng wh|ch ho sooms
to onjoy a ||tt|o too much-somoth|ng l do my bost not
to th|nk about.
Wo r|do tor m||os. l|do tor so |ong that at ono po|nt l
a||ow s|oop to c|a|m mo. Awakonod by tho sound ot
lhys's vo|co at my oar, sott and surpr|s|ng|y tondor
whon ho says, |oy, Ado||na. You can wako up now.
Wo'ro horo.'
l rouso myso|t trom h|s shou|dor, brush my hand
ovor my oyos, my ha|r, and tako |n my surround|ngs,
try to got a too| tor our |ocat|on, but |t's not ono l
rocogn|zo.
lt's a hunt|ng |odgo,' ho says, ||ps t|ck||ng at tho
vory odgo ot my oar. lt's our hunt|ng |odgo, A|r|k's and
m|no. And wh||o |t's nowhoro noar as grand as tho
pa|aco, l w||| say |t's not bad o|thor. l th|nk you'|| t|nd |t
surpr|s|ng|y comtortab|o. l know that many, many,
many ot my conquosts havo groat|y onjoyod
thomso|vos horo.'
Yop, ho's back to bo|ng lhys aga|n.
Whoro |s A|r|k?' l ask, yank|ng troo ot h|m.
3ut l'vo baro|y gotton tho words out botoro a
wh|sporod vo|co says, l am horo.'
|o roachos toward mo, carotu||y catch|ng mo as l
s||do trom tho horso and |nto h|s outstrotchod arms.
||s body so warm, so comtort|ng, that tor a momont
h|s awtu| brothor |s a|| but torgotton, unt|| A|r|k broaks
away and says, 3rothor, thank you. l owo you tor th|s
ono.'
3ut lhys just |aughs, turns h|s horso around, and
g|ancos ovor h|s shou|dor. |orgot |t. Your br|do tor tho
k|ngdom-' |o shakos h|s hoad. |ato to say |t,
brothor, but l'm atra|d |t |s l who w||| owo yoo onco
your ||tt|o honoymoon |s ovor and you roa||zo your to||y.
l just hopo you'ro not too||sh onough to try to co||oct
onco you'vo su|||od your bod. And wh||o l w|sh you
much happ|noss and joy and a|| that, l'm atra|d l must
roturn. Vy swoot ||tt|o 3oph|o suro|y has my bod n|co|y
hoatod by now.'
3t||| bodd|ng tho chamborma|ds?' A|r|k ca||s.
On|y to havo lhys rop|y, 0a|ryma|d, brothor,
da|ryma|d. 1ry to koop up!'
||s horso ga||ops ott, tak|ng lhys a|ong w|th h|m, as
A|r|k pu||s mo toward tho |odgo, ||ps brush|ng my
chook as ho says, l apo|og|zo tor h|m. l was hop|ng
ho'd sparo you trom that brand ot crudonoss, but
porhaps that was just too||sh on my part. 3t|||, a|| that
roa||y mattors |s that ho brought you to mo. |o d|d as l
askod, and you'vo arr|vod sato|y.' |o gazos down at
mo w|th a taco t|||od w|th so much |ovo and dovot|on, l
swa||ow ovoryth|ng l was about to to|| h|m about just
how crudo h|s brothor roa||y |s, not want|ng my words
to mar h|s oxpross|on.
Actua||y, l s|opt through most ot tho journoy, |t tor no
othor roason than to tuno h|m out,' l say, t|nd|ng a
othor roason than to tuno h|m out,' l say, t|nd|ng a
comprom|so that succoods |n mak|ng h|m |augh.
1hon you aro not t|rod? You aro not |ong|ng tor
bod?' ||s oyos g||nt on m|no.
l gazo trom h|m to tho st|||-darkonod n|ght sky, to tho
door ho's proppod opon that |oads to a rust|c yot
sumptuous room just boyond.
Oh, l'm too||ng qu|to rostod.' l sm||o. 3ut l havo no
objoct|on to bod.'
l am co|d.
|urt|ng.
Vy on|y sourco ot warmth com|ng trom a tra|| ot
somoth|ng s||ppory that stroams down my taco,
caus|ng my oyos to burn and st|ng and a coppory
tasto to |o|| ovor my tonguo.
3|ood.
Vy b|ood.
lt must bo. Esmo novor had a chanco to shod any.
3ho was too qu|ck. 1oo tocusod. 1oo suro ot hor
|ntont. And l was wootu||y unproparod to hand|o hor.
0osp|to bo|ng warnod by tho droam, l novor stood a
chanco.
lovor |mag|nod sho'd bo tho ono to br|ng mo my
doath.
And now, attor arrang|ng |t to |ook ||ko an acc|dont,
sho's gono.
loav|ng mo to ta|| doopor and doopor |nto a novor-
ond|ng poo| ot b|acknoss.
l can hoar h|s vo|co dr|tt|ng trom m||os away.
1ho sound garb|od, d|stortod, as though travo||ng
trom tho dopths ot a vory doop soa, as though
grapp||ng tor tho surtaco, grapp||ng tor mo.
And though l want moro than anyth|ng to nod
v|gorous|y, to wavo my arms, to shout out |oud and
c|oar that l'vo hoard h|m, roco|vod h|s mossago, that
l'm awaro that ho's noar-l can't soom to manago
thoso th|ngs.
l can't soo. Can't movo. Can't spoak.
lt's ||ko l'm a|roady |ockod |n my cott|n, bur|od a||vo,
awaro ot what goos on a|| around mo, but unab|o to
part|c|pato.
3trugg||ng w|th a|| ot my m|ght to hang onto h|s
words, h|s prosonco, to t|nd a way to roach h|m botoro
l'm gono tor good.
|o |s trant|c, mourntu|, dospondont, and str|ckon
whon ho cr|os, Who has dono th|s to hor? l w||| k|||
thom!' |o||owod by a |ong stroam ot throats that spow
torth trom h|s ||ps, paus|ng ovory now and thon to
a|tornato botwoon bogg|ng tavors ot God and
domand|ng to know why that samo God has
bosoochod h|m-robbod h|m ot h|s ono and on|y
chanco at truo |ovo.
lt appoars to bo an acc|dont,' says a vo|co l
|nstant|y rocogn|zo as bo|ong|ng to lhys. And l can't
ho|p but roco||, can't ho|p but hopo aga|nst hopo that |t
wasn't h|s hand l just to|t at my brow.
Got away trom hor! 0on't touch hor!' A|r|k cr|os.
1h|s |s your tau|t-you and your b|g mouth. 0amn you,
brothor! look what you'vo dono!'
Vo?' lhys |aughs, a doop|y sarcast|c sound. |ow
cou|d l poss|b|y havo causod th|s whon l'vo on|y just
arr|vod?'
l stra|n to hoar, wondor|ng |t A|r|k suspocts tho truth,
that |t's Esmo, h|s botrothod, who |ott mo ||ko th|s.
Vy hopos crash|ng whon ho says, lt you hadn't to|d
|athor, l wou|dn't havo boon do|ayod. l wou|d havo
boon horo to savo hor trom . trom th|s . o||.' |o
shuddors, h|s hand qu|vor|ng, broath ||ko a sob. 1h|s
novor wou|d'vo happonod, |t |t wasn't tor you.'
3rothor, p|oaso. Got aho|d ot yourso|t. Why wou|d l
do th|s whon l havo as much to |oso as you do?'
lhys's vo|co roma|ns stoady, t|rm, a cruo| contrast to
h|s brothor's novor-ond|ng sorrow, h|s doop-soatod
gr|ot.
You havon't |ost anyth|ng,' A|r|k says, h|s words just
baro|y aud|b|o. You can havo tho crown-l don't want
|t. You aro troo to marry Esmo, as wo||-l cou|dn't
stand to |ook at hor now. lt |s l who havo |ost. l'vo |ost
ovoryth|ng-tho on|y th|ng that's ovor moant anyth|ng
to mo . Ado||na,' ho wh|spors, t|ngors smooth|ng my
brow, my chook, tra|||ng down to my nock, whoro thoy
pauso, ||ngor, h|s vo|co p|oad|ng whon ho adds,
Ado||na, wby Why has th|s happonod? Why aro you
|oav|ng mo?'
Bocooso o tbo oroom, l try to say, but no words w|||
como, so l concontrato on th|nk|ng |t |nstoad. l trloo to
woro yoo, trloo to proporo yoo, bot yoo brosboo lt
owoy .
Oh, Ado||na, you saw th|s, d|dn't you? You tr|od to
warn mo |ast n|ght whon you woko trom your
n|ghtmaro, but l on|y wantod to sootho you, l rotusod to
||ston.'
|or a momont, l to|t myso|t dr|tt|ng, |os|ng my gr|p,
but whon ho just spoko, h|s words ocho|ng my own,
somoth|ng doop |ns|do ot mo jorkod to attont|on.
Llo bo . ls lt posslb|o tbot bo somobow booro
mo 5oosoo tbo tboogbts l wos sooolog to blm
A|rlk! A|rlk, coo yoo boor mo P|ooso koow tbot l
|ovo yoo. l concontrato on tho words, concontrato w|th
a|| ot my m|ght, a|| that |s |ott. Wondor|ng, hop|ng that
ho'|| sonso thoso words too. l bovo o|woys |ovoo yoo.
l o|woys wl|| |ovo yoo. Notblog coo koop os oport, oot
ovoo my oootb.
l |ovo yoo, Ado||na,' ho wh|spors, ono hand at my
brow, tho othor ontw|nod w|th m|no, trant|ca||y push|ng
somo coo|, round p|oco ot mota|, what cou|d on|y bo
my wodd|ng band, onto my t|ngor. l havo a|ways |ovod
you, l a|ways w||| |ovo you. You w||| a|ways ||vo |n my
hoart . you w||| a|ways bo my br|do.' ||s vo|co
broaks, as a t|ood ot trosh toars ra|n onto my taco.
o||, bow oboot tbot l th|nk, w||||ng a sm||o but not
qu|to succood|ng. l'm |mmob||o, |ockod |n, and yot, wo
havo tbls-tho thoughts that stroam botwoon us.
l'm just about to attompt |t aga|n, oagor to |ot h|m
know that a|| |s not |ost, that l'm not gono yot, that a
g||mmor ot mo st||| ox|sts, whon l hoar a rush ot hoavy
tootstops to||owod by |oath's vo|co say|ng, 1ho
doctor |s horo.'
1ho noxt tow momonts aro spont pok|ng, prodd|ng,
and too||ng tor a pu|so so ta|nt tho doctor noar|y
m|ssos |t. ||s vo|co gravo, h|s prognos|s gr|m, h|s
t|na| pronouncomont tho |ast th|ng A|r|k wants to hoar.
l am not |ong tor th|s wor|d.
3ut A|r|k won't accopt |t. 1horo aro othor ways,' ho
|ns|sts. l havo monoy. lots and |ots ot monoy. You
can havo my ont|ro tortuno, whatovor you want-just
br|ng hor back to mo. l'vo hoard tho rumors, l know
about tho o||x|rs, tho socrot pot|ons and ton|cs-tho
spoc|a| brow that curos a|| |||s, oxtond|ng ||to tor an
|ndot|n|to amount ot t|mo.'
l know noth|ng about that,' tho doctor |ns|sts, h|s
tono sharp, roso|uto. And, l assuro you that ovon |t l
d|d, that |s noth|ng you want to p|ay w|th. l am sorry tor
your |oss, tru|y l am. 3ut th|s |s tho natura| ordor ot
th|ngs and you must t|nd a way to mako poaco w|th |t.'
l w||| not!' A|r|k shouts. And |t l cou|d soo h|m, wo||
l'm suro l'd t|nd h|s taco as stony and co|d as h|s vo|co
just rosonatod. Whoro thoro |s ||to, thoro |s hopo, and
you know |t! What k|nd ot doctor aro you |t you do not
bo||ovo that to bo truo? l w||| novor mako my poaco
w|th tut|||ty whon thoro aro othor opt|ons st||| |ott to
oxp|oro. l havo monoy, no oxponso w||| bo sparod-do
you hoar mo? You cannot say no to mo! 0on't you
know who l am?'
lt goos on ||ko that, A|r|k o||c|t|ng a |ong stroam ot
throats l'm suro ho has no p|ans to mako good on. lt's
tho ramb||ngs ot a man dr|von mad w|th gr|ot, and
tortunato|y tho doctor rocogn|zos that.
||s words compass|onato, torg|v|ng yot t|rm whon
ho says, A|r|k, m'|ord, wh||o l am tru|y sorry tor your
|oss, l havo dono a|| that l can. low l bog ot you to
koop hor comtortab|o, to say your good-byos, and to
|ot hor pass oas||y, pa|n|oss|y, w|th no turthor outbursts
trom you. l|oaso, A|r|k. lt you |ovo hor as much as you
c|a|m, thon |ot hor go |n poaco.'
Out! OU7!' |s A|r|k's on|y rop|y. |o||owod by tho
pross ot h|s ||ps on my chook, a rush ot words
wh|sporod |nto my t|osh. Our pa|ms prossod togothor
as ho uttors a str|ng ot prayors, p|oas, quost|ons,
rocr|m|nat|ons, and throats, thon roturn|ng to prayors
and bog|nn|ng a|| ovor aga|n.
1ho ||tany brokon on|y by |oath's qu|ot vo|co
say|ng, 3|r, m'|ord, l know somoono who may ottor
tho sort ot ass|stanco you sook.'
A|r|k stops, st|||s, and asks, Who?'
A woman who ||vos just outs|do tho v|||ago. l'vo
hoard rumors. Can't say tor suro |t thoy'ro truo. 1hough
|t m|ght bo worth a try.'
3r|ng hor,' A|r|k says, bury|ng h|s taco |nto tho
ho||ow whoro my nock moots my shou|dor. Go. |otch
hor. 3r|ng hor to mo.'
l'm gagg|ng.
Gagg|ng on mud, and muck, and tota||y |cky bottom-
ot-tho-r|vor s|udgo. 3omoth|ng hard and mota|||c
c|ang|ng aga|nst my uppor mo|ars and t|oat|ng on my
tonguo-somoth|ng l'm dotorm|nod to r|d myso|t ot.
l push up onto my o|bows, and thon onto my knoos.
3a|ancod on a|| tours, l sp|t onto tho ground, scoop a
t|ngor around tho |ns|do ot my mouth, and r|d |t ot
rocks and dobr|s a|ong w|th a strango moda|||on that
pops out and dang|os botoro mo-hang|ng trom a
brown |oathor cord l woar at my nock.
l |oan back on my hoo|s, p|nch|ng tho p|oco
botwoon my torot|ngor and thumb as l poor at a sma||
s||vor c|rc|o ot a snako swa||ow|ng |ts own ta||.
1h|nk|ng |t cur|ous, moro than a ||tt|o |ntorost|ng, but
hav|ng no |doa whoro |t camo trom.
lo |doa why l t|nd myso|t woar|ng |t.
lo |doa what |t cou|d poss|b|y moan.
l ta|| back |n oxhaust|on, c|oso my oyos aga|nst tho
sun. At t|rst onjoy|ng tho too| ot |t, tho way |t dr|os my
c|othos and warms my sk|n, but |t's not |ong botoro tho
p|oasuro's d|m|n|shod by rays so |ntonso thoy |oavo
mo swoaty and broath|oss and suddon|y ovorcomo
w|th a doop parch|ng th|rst that has mo scramb||ng
back toward tho r|vor, hop|ng to dr|nk, on|y to t|nd tho
r|vor |s gono. lop|acod by a |andscapo ot sand, a
mu|t|tudo ot cact|, and two b|az|ng suns ovorhoad
om|tt|ng dua| sots ot harsh, untorg|v|ng, soar|ng hot
rays.
Vy sk|n bog|ns to b||stor and burn as my ||ps crack
and b|ood, and w|th no sho|tor to bo tound, and too
woakonod by my th|rst to go soarch|ng tor ono, l'm |ott
w|th no cho|co but to cur| my body |nto a ba||. 3ow|ng
my hoad unt|| my ch|n |s tuckod t|ght|y to my knoos, my
ha|r hang|ng down botoro mo, hop|ng |t w||| sh|o|d mo,
on|y to ond up sacr|t|c|ng tho back ot my nock |n ordor
to sparo my taco.
7blok. l squ|nch my oyos t|ght|y, try to contor myso|t,
try to concontrato.
7blok, l sco|d. Romombor.
3ut tho hoat's so |ntonso |t's |mposs|b|o to tocus on
anyth|ng but my sca|d|ng sk|n and unquonchod rag|ng
th|rst.
l yank my s|oovos down, down past my wr|sts and
ovor my hands, a|| tho way down to my t|ngort|ps.
1ry|ng not to cry out whon tho cotton rubs aga|nst tho
b||stors, sp||tt|ng thom opon and a||ow|ng tho ju|co
trom tho wounds to s|zz|o r|ght thoro on my t|osh.
Work|ng past tho pa|n, l shovo thom doop |nto my
pockots, attompt|ng to mako myso|t sma||or, |oss ot a
targot, try|ng to h|do trom tho hoat, but |t's no uso. W|th
duo||ng suns, ono at my tront, ono at my back, thoro |s
no oscap|ng tho|r wrath.
Vy t|ngors squ|rm doop, and thon doopor st|||.
U|t|mato|y com|ng across somoth|ng s||ck and hard
w|th rough odgos-a stono ot somo k|nd.
A stono l cannot romombor.
l work my way a|ong tho s|dos, a|ong tho coo|
smooth surtaco, know|ng l nood to th|nk, to
concontrato, to romombor . somotblog . but hav|ng
no |doa what that somoth|ng m|ght bo.
l turn tho stono ovor. Exp|oro oach s|do, aga|n and
aga|n, unt|| a t||ckor ot ||ght p|ays on tho undors|do ot
my crustod, shuttorod ||ds. A t|ash ot co|or, a myr|ad ot
vary|ng huos, croop|ng |nto my v|s|on-my |nnor v|s|on
-accompan|od by a str|ng ot words moant to prod
mo, nudgo mo, |ns|stont|y sw|r||ng through mo,
domand|ng my not|co-though l'vo no |doa what thoy
moan.
Words that cont|nuo to |oop and ropoat, p|ay|ng
ovor and ovor, oach and ovory sy||ab|o strossod w|th
groatost urgoncy, unt|| |t sounds somoth|ng ||ko:
Lork-|lko bls oyos.
Roo-|lko tbo b|ooo tbot |owoo rom mo.
B|oo-|lko tbo rlvor, |lko tbo stooo lo my pockot.
A stono l must soo.
l work |t up past my h|p, s||do |t across my bo||y and
ovor to whoro l can soo |t. Varvo||ng at how |t's
managod to stay coo| dosp|to tho rag|ng |ntorno
around mo, dar|ng to s||t ono oyo opon, dosp|to my
|ashos s|ngo|ng, my sk|n sca|d|ng, and my rot|na
soar|ng, l poor upon |t, tw|r||ng that br||||ant b|uo-groon
crysta| around |n my t|ngors, awod by tho s|ght ot |t,
unt|| l not|co somoth|ng ovon moro wondrous-tho
onorgy that rad|atos trom my sk|n ||ko a ha|o ot tho
br|ghtost, most rad|ant, go|don-t|ockod purp|o.
1ho co|or rom|nd|ng mo ot tho ono l o|t oar||or. 1ho
ono that thrummod r|ght through my body, back whon l
was |n 3ummor|and, just attor l'd |nadvortont|y tradod
||our's oxpor|onco tor m|no. 1hat co|ortu| too||ng
conv|nc|ng mo thoro was moro to 0amon's and my
story. 1hat wo'd both ||vod a ||to wo'd yot to
acknow|odgo.
And suddon|y l know what |t moans-know what |t
|s.
1hat br||||ant|y sh|mmor|ng shado that l soo |s tho
co|or ot my sou|.
Vy lmmorto| sou|.
lt's what my aura wou|d |ook ||ko |t l had ono.
1ho truth doscond|ng upon mo so hard and tast |t
|oavos no room tor doubt |n my m|nd.
l can't d|o horo.
Can't d|o anywhoro.
Wh||o |t's truo that my body may not out|ast th|s
hoat, no mattor what, my sou| w||| ||vo on.
l|ko tho snako that hangs trom tho cord at my nock
-oach ||to toods |nto tho noxt.
And tho momont l acknow|odgo that, accopt |t tor a
tact, a sott spr|ng ra|n bog|ns to ta|| and l jump to my
toot, sm|||ng, |augh|ng, as l t||t my hoad back. Opon|ng
my mouth as w|do as |t w||| go, oncourag|ng a sma||
poo| ot wator to co||oct on my tonguo. Awaro ot tho
sand tad|ng bonoath mo as my toos cur| |nto a |ovo|y
oxpanso ot t|owors and grass that spr|ngs up to
rop|aco |t. Awaro ot my sk|n hoa||ng, rogonorat|ng, as
ono sun sparks and tados and burns |tso|t out, wh||o
tho othor ono d|ms |nto a warm, torg|v|ng, ||to-
susta|n|ng g|ow.
l sproad my arms w|do and tw|r| |n tho t|o|d,
sk|pp|ng, and |oap|ng, and danc|ng |n a ra|n that,
hav|ng hoa|od mo, |s now roducod to a ||ght,
sh|mmor|ng dr|zz|o.
l olo lt! l can't ho|p but sm||o tr|umphant|y. l woo! l
ootsmortoo tbo rlvor-romomboroo tbo ooo tblog
tbot mottors most-wltb o |ltt|o bo|p rom my rlooos,
o coorso!
|r|onds.
l stop, my broath com|ng raggod, too qu|ck, as l
gazo a|| around, my joy van|sh|ng tho momont l roa||zo
two truths l'vo torgotton 't|| now:
-l'm not ||ko my tr|onds. Vy body's |mmorta|, my
sou| |s not.
-0amon's not horo. Wh|ch moans ho torgot.
Cou|dn't ho|d on to tho momor|os. A||owod tho r|vor to
got tho bost ot h|m.
And, hav|ng tradod tho sou|'s |mmorta||ty tor
phys|ca| |mmorta||ty thoro's on|y ono p|aco |ott to t|nd
h|m.
1rappod |ns|do tho 3hadow|and.
twonty-tour
1hough l'vo boon thoro botoro, throo t|mos at |ast
count, l havo no |doa how to t|nd |t. lo |doa whoro |t
actua||y ox|sts, or how to |ocato |t on a map.
Vy t|rst v|s|t was v|a tho oxpor|onco 0amon sharod
w|th mo |n h|s hoad. 1ho socond was whon l
to|opath|ca||y showod loman tho p|aco whoro 0r|na's
sou| wont. And tho th|rd was whon |avon k|||od mo,
sont mo to that horr|b|o abyss tor what to|t ||ko torovor
but was probab|y on|y a mattor ot m|nutos.
1hat's how tho 3hadow|and works.
3ut |t's not ||ko l ovor mado tho tr|p by toot. lt's not
||ko l ovor sot out to t|nd tho phys|ca| man|tostat|on ot
|t.
3o, hop|ng tor answors, l ta|| back on a|| that l'vo
|oarnod, tho th|ngs Ava taught mo. And |nstoad ot
a||ow|ng my m|nd to run amok w|th quost|ons and
thoughts that on|y rosu|t |n croat|ng pan|c and
uncorta|nty wh||o novor actua||y arr|v|ng anywhoro
ho|ptu| or good, l chooso to tocus on tho s||onco w|th|n.
1rust|ng |t to gu|do mo, to |oad mo, to soo that l arr|vo
|n tho p|aco l'm most moant to bo.
0otorm|nod to to||ow my gut, my hoart, my |ntu|t|on,
tho h|ddon truth rost|ng |ns|do-l b|azo my own tra||,
|od so|o|y by my own |nst|ncts, but whon |t too|s ||ko tho
trok |s tak|ng too |ong, l doc|do to spood |t up a b|t and
man|tost a partnor.
l|d|ng my mount tor as tar as sho'|| go, l s||do ott
hor back tho socond sho ha|ts just shy ot tho
por|motor, tho p|aco whoro tho grass turns to mud,
whoro tho troos aro a|| burnod out and barron dosp|to
tho constant do|ugo ot ra|n that novor coasos to ta||.
lt's oxact|y ||ko l t|rst thought, th|s horr|b|o p|aco roa||y
|s 3ummor|and's y|n-|ts shadow so|t-|ts oppos|to
s|do-prov|d|ng a c|oar domarcat|on botwoon tho two
wor|ds-ono ||ght, ono dark-|oav|ng mo w|th no
doubt |n my m|nd that |t marks tho ontranco to tho
3hadow|and.
l tap my horso on hor roar, urg|ng hor to hoad tor
groonor pasturos, as l g|anco a|| around, hop|ng to t|nd
lotus, or maybo ovon a gu|do ot somo k|nd, but
roa||z|ng l'm a|| on my own l trudgo doop |nto tho muck.
1rudgo past what too|s ||ko m|nd-numb|ng m||os ot
b|oak, droary, doso|ato, dronchod, and soggy
|andscapo, wondor|ng |t thoro w||| ovor como a po|nt
whoro |t turns |nto somoth|ng o|so, stops |ook|ng tho
samo. 1hat po|nt com|ng much soonor than |mag|nod
whon l stumb|o upon a scono so drast|ca||y d|ttoront, l
stop, sw|po a hand ovor my oyos, and b||nk a tow
t|mos to mako suro l'm not ha||uc|nat|ng, that l roa||y
am soo|ng what l th|nk l'm soo|ng. And ovon thon, l st|||
havo my doubts.
l croop torward, my hoad sw|vo||ng as my oyos
str|vo to tako |t a|| |n. lt's surroa|, suro|y a crazy m|rago
ot my own monta| mak|ng. And yot, no mattor how
many t|mos l b||nk, no mattor how |ong l ho|d my broath
and staro, |t rotusos to y|o|d |n any way unt|| l'vo no
cho|co but to accopt tho tact that tho scono that ||os
botoro mo |s not on|y roa|, but an oxact rop||ca ot tho
ono |n my droam.
1ho droam l was suro l||oy had sont mo.
1ho droam l had aga|n vory rocont|y.
1ho droam l was suro had boon moro|y symbo||c,
somoth|ng l was moant to tako my t|mo pondor|ng,
ana|yz|ng, d|ssoct|ng, unt|| l cou|d t|na||y broak |t down
|nto managoab|o b|ts that actua||y moant somoth|ng.
lovor onco th|nk|ng l was supposod to tako |t
||tora||y.
lovor onco th|nk|ng that an ont|ro |andscapo ot
roctangu|ar b|ocks-a mazo ot g|ass pr|sons-cou|d
roa||y ox|st.
l tako a doop broath, tako a tow caut|ous stops, and
squ|nch up my gazo. loor|ng at a crowd ot tormontod
sou|s, know|ng oxact|y how thoy too| hav|ng boon thoro
myso|t.
A|ono.
lso|atod.
0ovo|d ot a|| hopo.
3urroundod by s||onco, an |nt|n|to darknoss, torcod
to ro||vo tho|r vory worst cho|cos, tho|r most trag|c
m|stakos and wrong turns, tho bad doc|s|ons and
so|t|sh acts that causod othors pa|n-torcod to ro||vo
tho|r own porsona| ho|| ovor and ovor aga|n.
Expor|onc|ng tho pa|n thoy'vo causod othors as
though |t's tho|r own-just ||ko l d|d whon |t was mo |n
tho|r p|aco. |av|ng no way ot know|ng that thoro aro
othors just ||ko thom-that wh||o thoy may too| a|ono,
tho |rony |s thoy'ro actua||y trappod among tho|r own
k|nd. A|| ot thom ru|od by an assau|t ot |magos, ago-
o|d rogrots, w|th no way to turn ott tho p|cturos, no way
to s||onco tho|r hoads.
And just as l wondor what l'm oxpoctod to do trom
horo, tho momory ot lotus's vo|co p|ays |n my oar.
7boro oro mooy wbo owolt yoo. Awolt yoo to
ro|ooso tbom, to ro|ooso mo.
And l know th|s |s what sho moant. l havo to start
horo.
l approach tho t|rst b|ock, obsorv|ng a tronzy ot
onorgy that bo|ongs to a tormontod, agon|zod sou| l
don't rocogn|zo. 1hough thoro's no doubt |t's ono ot
loman's, s|nco othor than mo, tho on|y onos 0amon
turnod woro tho orphans. And l can't ho|p but wondor
just how many |mmorta|s loman m|ght'vo mado,
romombor|ng how ho onco answorod |avon whon
sho posod tho quost|on: 7bot`s or mo to koow, ooo
tbo rost o tbo wor|o to loo oot. lot to mont|on how
many m|ght'vo |nadvortont|y, acc|dont|y, ondod up
horo.
l c|oso my oyos, pross my pa|ms to tho g|ass, and
wa|t tor somo k|nd ot s|gn, turthor |nstruct|ons, an
ordor that w||| soon bo rovoa|od, on|y to bo mot by a
b|ast ot dospa|r so dark, a tormont so b|oak, l can
baro|y conta|n |t. 3oon to||owod by a surgo ot b|ttor
co|d so |ntonso l can't ho|p but jork back. Gap|ng at
my trooz|ng, trostb|tton pa|ms, know|ng that as |ong as
l'm horo, thoro's no chanco thoy'|| hoa|.
0osporato to ond |t, tor myso|t as wo|| as thom, l
k|ck at tho g|ass, k|ck as hard as l can, and whon that
doosn't work, l pound w|th both hands. And attor
hur||ng my body aga|nst |t to no ava|| whatsoovor, l d|g
doop |nto my pockot, |ocato tho b|t ot crysta| Ava gavo
mo, tho sma|| p|oco ot cavans|to that onhancos
|ntu|t|on and psych|c hoa||ng, prompts doop rot|oct|on,
|nsp|ros now |doas, ho|ps r|d onoso|t ot tau|ty bo||ots,
and a|ds |n |nduc|ng tho momor|os ot ono's pr|or ||vos,
hop|ng |t can ho|p mo horo as wo||. And whon my hand
||ghts up, whon my pa|m hoa|s, whon my sk|n om|ts
that br||||ant go|don-t|ockod purp|o huo l g||mpsod
oar||or, l know oxact|y what to do.
l tako tho sharp odgo, tho jaggod t|p that narrows to
a po|nt, and drag |t vort|ca||y down ono s|do ot tho
g|ass, thon hor|zonta||y across tho top, and thon
vort|ca||y down tho othor, cr|ng|ng at tho h|gh-p|tchod,
squoaky, na||s-on-a-cha|kboard, w|nco-|nduc|ng k|nd
ot sound that rosu|ts, but know|ng l'vo succoodod
whon tho pr|son co||apsos, shattors onto |tso|t, and a
coo| b|ast ot a|r wh|zzos by as tho trappod sou| rushos
out.
Vy hoart hammors hard |n my chost as tho ont|ty
hovors botoro mo, grow|ng, strotch|ng |nto a vary|ng
co||oct|on ot porsonas-a tu|| array ot pr|or-||to gu|sos,
nono ot wh|ch l rocogn|zo. Em|tt|ng a br|ght t|ash ot
co|or as |t shr|nks down |nto |tso|t onco aga|n and
takos t||ght, soar|ng h|gh |nto tho sky, qu|ck|y
d|sappoar|ng trom s|ght.
l pauso to catch my broath, amazod by what l just
w|tnossod, what l'vo just succoodod |n do|ng, thon l
hoad to tho noxt cubo and ropoat tho soquonco aga|n,
and thon aga|n. lo|oas|ng ono trappod sou| attor
anothor, hav|ng no |doa whoro thoy go, but t|gur|ng
anywhoro's got to bo bottor than horo.
And thon, just as l movo tor tho noxt, l t|nd h|m.
0amon.
1hough |t's not at a|| ||ko l thought, not at a|| ||ko l
oxpoctod.
lathor than bo|ng trappod ||ko l toarod, ho a|so
wandors trom b|ock to b|ock.
||s ha|r w||d|y mussod, h|s oyos hauntod and rod-
r|mmod, h|s vo|co th|ck w|th romorso as ho bogs
torg|vonoss tor a|| that ho's dono.
3ogs torg|vonoss tor tho|r bo|ng horo.
1h|s |sn't your tau|t,' l say, qu|ot|y approach|ng h|m.
You had noth|ng to do w|th th|s, loman's tho ono who
turnod thom. You know how proud ho was ot h|s o||x|r,
how ho ||kod to sharo |t troo|y, or at |oast w|th
whomovor ho doomod worthy, whoroas you on|y gavo
|t to tho orphans and mo. Un|oss.' l swa||ow hard,
|ook at h|m, a who|o now thought occurr|ng to mo, ono
l pray |s just puro parano|a and not at a|| truo. Un|oss
thoro woro othors you havon't to|d mo about?' l suck |n
my broath.
lo|ax|ng on|y whon h|s borott gazo moots m|no and
ho says, 3|x orphans. l|us you. 1hat's tho grand tota|
ot my porsona| |ogacy.' |o ||tts h|s shou|dors,
brootbos doop|y, |ooks a|| around, botoro roturn|ng to
mo. 3t|||, |n tho ond, |t doosn't roa||y mattor who tod
thom tho o||x|r, doosn't mattor who doc|dod to turn
thom, bocauso a|| ot th|s-' ho swoops h|s arm w|do,
hand arc|ng botoro h|m, a|| around h|m, ovoryth|ng
you soo horo-|t a|| stoms trom mo. l was tho t|rst. l
p|antod tho sood. loman novor wou|d'vo gotton thoro
|t |t hadn't boon tor mo. 3o, you soo, Evor, th|s ls my
tau|t. lt's ||ko lotus sa|d, l`m tbo cooso ooo oor |ovo ls
tbo symptom. l cou|dn't |ot you go. Cou|dn't hand|o tho
pa|n ot a ||to ||vod w|thout you. And wh||o you, my
swoot Evor, my doarost Ado||na, may vory wo|| bo tho
curo, l havo to do a|| that l can to corroct my karma, to
r|ght a|| my wrongs. And what bottor p|aco to start than
r|ght horo?'
l pauso, tak|ng a tow momonts to cons|dor h|s
words, wh||o carotu||y s|tt|ng through a tow ot my own.
Wo||,' l say, my vo|co |ow, qu|ot, my oyos novor onco
stray|ng tar trom tho o|ogant p|anos ot h|s taco. |rom
what l'vo oxpor|oncod so tar, tho bost way to mako up
tor a|| that |s to ro|oaso thom. 1hat's protty much a|| wo
can do at th|s po|nt.'
l show h|m tho crysta|, show h|m how l'vo boon
us|ng |t to broak through tho g|ass and sot tho sou|s
troo. Vot|on|ng tor h|m to jo|n mo, and watch|ng as ho
p|acos h|s pa|ms to tho surtaco and sonds a s||ont
p|oa tor torg|vonoss. ||s t|osh throbb|ng, b||stor|ng,
b|ackon|ng, botoro bocom|ng a|most mumm|t|od
|ook|ng-rotus|ng my ottor ot tho crysta| that w||| a||ow
h|m to hoa|, ho protors to suttor, conv|ncod ho
dosorvos |t, as ho to||ows mo trom ono to tho noxt. 1ho
two ot us ropoat|ng tho soquonco-0amon
oxpross|ng h|s rogrots as l sond tho g|ass shattor|ng
so anothor sou| can rush out.
Whon wo got to tho noxt ono, wo ha|t-|mmod|ato|y
sons|ng somoth|ng d|ttoront. lnstant|y a|ortod to
somoth|ng unusua| that sots |t apart trom thoso that
camo botoro. And ovon though tho onorgy w|th|n |s
just as trant|c as a|| tho othors, thrash|ng tur|ous|y,
crash|ng trom top to bottom and s|do to s|do, mov|ng
so tast |t's hard to got a hand|o on, to soo |t tor
anyth|ng moro than a contus|ng b|ur-|t's st||| an
onorgy wo both rocogn|zo.
3o l bow out. 3top to tho s|do.
1h|s part|cu|ar sou| |s 0amon's to ro|oaso, not m|no.
Wh||o wo a|| sharo a past, a |ong and convo|utod
h|story ot joa|ousy that a|ways onds |n murdor, my
murdor, tho two ot thom havo momor|os that don't
|nvo|vo mo, havo noth|ng to do w|th mo-and not a|| ot
thom bad.
l hand h|m tho crysta|, ||ston|ng as ho ca||s to hor
s||ont|y, to|opath|ca||y, but st||| l can hoar. And whon ho
p|acos h|s hands on o|thor s|do ot hor cubo,
ovoryth|ng st|||s.
Lomoo sho ca||s, sons|ng h|s prosonco, h|s
onorgy, or maybo |t's just w|shtu| th|nk|ng. Vaybo
sho's boon ca|||ng tor h|m s|nco tho day l k|||od hor
and sont hor sou| horo.
l om boro. |o c|osos h|s oyos, prossos h|s
torohoad to tho g|ass, ho|d|ng on to tho s|dos w|th
oach hand. l bovo ol|oo yoo. lol|oo yoo lo so mooy
woys. lol|oo to |ovo yoo lo tbo woy tbot yoo wootoo,
lo tbo woy tbot yoo oooooo. Aoo tboogb l moy bovo
sovoo yoor |lo, moy bovo sporoo yoo rom tbo b|ock
p|ogoo, l`m orolo tbot lo tbo ooo, l stoppoo lo wboro l
oloo`t bo|oog, ooo, bocooso o lt, l`vo rooocoo yoo to
tbls.
||s broath togs up tho g|ass, prompt|ng h|m to
sw|po a t|ngor across |t, thon c|oar |t w|th tho scorchod
pa|m ot h|s smo|dor|ng hand.
Lrloo Vogoo|ooo, yoo oro Povorloo oo moro. 5o
p|ooso go. Bo roo. Yoo bovo otbor p|ocos to bo. l
wos oovor mooot to bo yoor oostloy.
|o taps tho crysta| to tho g|ass, drags |t down oach
s|do, a b|t across tho top. Encourag|ng |t to shattor
|nto |ong, th|n str|ps that ta|| to tho ground botoro
broak|ng |nto much sma||or p|ocos that crumb|o at h|s
toot.
l braco myso|t. 3raco tor just about anyth|ng.
Expoct|ng an angry wh|r| ot onorgy that, |t h|story |s
any |nd|cat|on, w||| most ||ko|y hur| |tso|t stra|ght at mo.
Wh|ch |s why l'm surpr|sod whon sho choosos to
soop out s|ow|y.
|or onorgy hovor|ng botoro us, oxpand|ng,
strotch|ng, at t|rst torm|ng |nto a br|ot |mago ot horso|t
as my cous|n Esmo that |asts on|y a tow soconds
botoro sho sott|os |nto hor |ast |ncarnat|on as tho
g|or|ous|y boaut|tu|, rod-ha|rod, groon-oyod 0r|na-a
boauty so start||ng ovon doath cannot mar |t.
3ho t|oats c|osor to 0amon, hor gazo mov|ng ovor
h|m, dr|nk|ng h|m |n as a qu|ot commun|cat|on passos
botwoon thom. And ovon though l can hoar |t, ovon
though no|thor ono ot thom tr|os to h|do |t trom mo, l
st||| turn away, try to grant thom tho|r pr|vacy. Catch|ng
on|y about ovory th|rd word, |oav|ng tho|r d|a|oguo
sound|ng somoth|ng ||ko:
5orry-orglvo yoo-orglvo mo-wroog-wostoo
-mlsgolooo-rogroto|-thon back to sorry aga|n.
3ho roachos toward h|m, cups h|s taco botwoon hor
t|ngors, hor mouth tugg|ng down at tho cornors whon
ho |nvo|untar||y t||nchos at tho too| ot hor-hor gazo
saddon|ng at tho bottom|oss poo| ot rogrot sho t|nds
|n h|s oyos.
|n h|s oyos.
And whon sho turns to mo, |t's not at a|| what l
oxpoctod. 1ho usua| scoro ot hato, taunts, and throats
has boon rop|acod w|th a sott |||t|ng rovoronco.
l sboo|o`vo koowo tbo lrst tlmo l kl||oo yoo, sho
th| nks. l sboo|o`vo roo|lzoo bock tboo tbot ovoo
wltboot yoor prosooco bosloo blm, yoor |ovo oovor
oloo. l moy bovo soccooooo lo borrowlog blm or o
tlmo, bot bo wos oovor roo||y mloo, ooo lt wos oovor
vory |oog booro bo woot soorcblog or yoo ogolo.
7broogboot o|| o tboso yoors, rom tbo vory lrst
momoot bo mot yoo os Aoo|loo, bls boort wos
c|olmoo or gooo. lo bo|oogs oo|y to yoo. Yoo ooo
Lomoo oro mooot to bo. Aoo l`vo booo o oo| or
lotororlog. 3ho s|ghs, shakos hor hoad, roachos
torward as though to touch mo, but thon, romombor|ng
0amon's roact|on, sho th|nks bottor, roturns hor arm
to hor s|do.
And l'm not suro who's moro surpr|sod, hor,
0amon, or mo, whon l chooso to stop torward-whon l
chooso to roach tor hor hand and grasp |t |n m|no.
3uddon|y know|ng why 0amon t||nchod tho way ho
d|d, |t's not so much tho co|d, |t's moro tho buzz ot hor
onorgy-tho shoor, v|brat|ng |ntons|ty |s hard to got
usod to.
1ho words stroam|ng |nto my hoad whon sho th|nks:
l yoo coo orglvo mo, tboo sooo, l`|| bo |oovlog.
l gazo |nto tho oyos ot tho porson who k|||od mo
t|mo and t|mo aga|n. 1ry|ng to r|d horso|t ot mo, r|d tho
wor|d ot mo, on|y to t|nd that sho cou|dn't. lo mattor
how hard sho tr|od, l kopt com|ng back. And l'm
amazod to t|nd l can no |ongor th|nk ot hor as tho
onomy. low that l know tho truth, know that wo'ro
connoctod, that l'm as much a part ot hor as sho |s ot
mo, l can no |ongor hato hor. And ovon though th|s
sooms ||ko tho ond, th|s good-byo |s probab|y on|y
tomporary. l'vo no doubt wo'|| somoday moot aga|n. l
just hopo sho can manago to ho|d on to somo ot tho
w|sdom sho's ga|nod.
3ho sm||os, hor taco ||ght|ng up |n a way that |oavos
hor |ook|ng pos|t|vo|y rad|ant, and at t|rst l th|nk |t's a
rosponso to what l just thought, on|y to soo hor oyos
mov|ng ovor mo, mot|on|ng tor 0amon to |ook too.
Look-yoo`ro g|owlog! |or oxpross|on chang|ng to
contus|on whon sho adds: Bot . bow coo tbot bo
lmmorto|s ooo`t g|ow. Yoo oovor g|owoo. Bot oow yoo
oo. lt`s so ooo-wbot oo yoo sopposo tbot lt mooos
0amon squ|nts, unab|o to soo what l soo-what sho
soos-tho ta|nt traco ot purp|o that omanatos trom
mo, a|| around mo.
3ho pausos, wa|t|ng tor mo to oxp|a|n, but s|nco l
don't ovon know whoro to bog|n, l just ||tt my shou|dors
and qu|rk my mouth to tho s|do.
Aoo Romoo-bovo yoo soot blm boro too 3ho
|ooks stra|ght at mo.
l pauso, want|ng to stross that |t wasn't mo who
k|||od loman-that, contrary to somo poop|o's
op|n|ons l'm oot somo crazy |mmorta| k|||or. 3ut soon
roa||zo that two out ot throo |s hard|y a rocord worth
bragg|ng about, much |oss dotond|ng, l gu|p down tho
words and nod toward tho |ast two roma|n|ng cubos.
And just ||ko whon 0amon approachod hors, whon
sho approachos loman's, a|| act|v|ty ha|ts as ho
sonsos hor prosonco and cr|os out tor hor. And tho
socond 0amon cracks |t opon, loman wh|r|s out |n a
tur|ous storm ot onorgy that oxpands and torms,
spond|ng a tow soconds as tho handsomo, rak|sh
lhys botoro ho sott|os on tho way ho |ookod as tho
ovon moro handsomo, ovon moro rak|sh loman.
Comp|oto w|th go|don tous|od ha|r, p|orc|ng b|uo oyos,
suntannod sk|n, tadod joans that hang dangorous|y
|ow, and an unbuttonod wh|to ||non sh|rt that
showcasos h|s t|no|y scu|ptod abs.
3ut ovon though 0amon and l stand r|ght thoro
botoro h|m, roady to oxp|a|n, dotond our act|ons, do
whatovor |t takos to oaso what cou|d vory oas||y
bocomo a procar|ous s|tuat|on-just ||ko |n ||to, h|s
so|o tocus |s 0r|na.
3ho's a|| ho can soo.
1hough un||ko tho past s|x contur|os, 0r|na can
t|na||y soo h|m.
1ho two ot thom drawn to oach othor, gaz|ng at
oach othor tor so |ong, 0amon c|asps my hand |n h|s
and starts to movo away, noar|ng tho |ast roma|n|ng
b|ock whon loman ca||s: Brotbor.
3oon to||owod by: lrlooo.
And thon: Eoomy.
1hough that |ast part |s chasod w|th a dazz||ng,
wh|to-toothod sm||o.
Wo moot loman's gazo. lot|ng tho way tho gr|n
||ghts up h|s taco, ||ghts up h|s onorgy, mak|ng |t spark
and g|ow as ho shuts h|s oyos t|ght|y and concontratos
on a |ong stroam ot words ho wants us to hoar.
A |ong stroam ot words l can't soom to put |nto any
sort ot contoxt, can't mako any k|nd ot sonso ot.
A |ong convo|utod ||st ot horbs, pot|ons, crysta|s,
and . mooo pbosos .
l gasp, oyos w|do w|th d|sbo||ot, gap|ng at 0amon,
wondor|ng |t ho hoars what l hoar, undorstands what,
tor mo, just bocamo c|oar.
lt`s tbo ootlooto!
loman |s w||||ng|y, w|thout bo|ng askod, bu|||od,
man|pu|atod, or torturod, ho|d|ng up h|s ond ot tho
doa|.
1ho ono wo struck just m|nutos botoro ho was k|||od
and sont horo.
1ho ono whoro l agrood to g|vo h|m what ho wantod
most, |n oxchango tor what l wantod most.
0r|na tor tho ant|doto that'|| a||ow 0amon and mo to
bo togothor |n tho way that wo woro as A|r|k and
Ado||na-w|th no nood tor onorgy sh|o|ds, no toar ot
our 0lA c|ash|ng, no throat ot 0amon dy|ng.
loman's mak|ng good on h|s word.
1ak|ng a momont to ropoat |t onco moro, mako
suro that wo got |t, took noto ot |t, comm|ttod |t to
momory, bocauso ho'|| soon bo mov|ng on, w|th 0r|na
by h|s s|do, and ho doosn't oxpoct to soo us aga|n, or
at |oast not tor a vory |ong t|mo. 1h|s |s our |ast
chanco. 1ho opportun|ty won't como aga|n.
l gu|p, nod, br|mm|ng w|th so much grat|tudo, so
ovorcomo w|th happ|noss, my oyos st|ng, my throat
swo||s, and l'vo no |doa whoro to start, what to say.
3ut l don't havo to say anyth|ng. |o and 0r|na havo
a|roady jo|nod hands, a|roady turnod away. A|roady
hoadod to tho noxt cubo whoro, hav|ng no turthor nood
ot us, thoy poo| tho|r onorgy |n a way that sp||ts |t w|do
opon, a||ow|ng |avon to burst out ot hor own porsona|
ho||.
3ho shoots stra|ght tor mo. An angry ba|| ot rag|ng
rod onorgy that, trom a|| appoarancos, |s st||| tur|ous
w|th mo.
3t||| b|amos mo.
3t||| |ntonds to mako good on hor |ast spokon words
-hor throat to undo mo.
0amon shouts, jumps botwoon us, h|s arms sproad
w|do, do|ng h|s bost to covor mo, to dotond mo trom
whatovor sho's p|annod.
3ut just as sho roachos us, hovor|ng a moro razor's
w|dth away, sho stops, s|ows, and l watch, oyos w|do
w|th wondor, as tho tur|ous rod g|ow ot hor s|mmors
|nto a much sottor roso-tonod p|nk. 3h|tt|ng botwoon
a|| ot tho porsonas ot hor prov|ous ||vos, bog|nn|ng
w|th my cous|n, Esmo's s|stor, ||ona, botoro
trans|t|on|ng |nto sovora| moro l vaguo|y rocogn|zo
trom sconos l'vo v|owod ot my past |ncarnat|ons.
Amazod to |oarn sho's boon w|th mo a|| th|s t|mo,
usua||y trom a d|stanco, novor as a c|oso tr|ond or
ovon a s|stor, but st|||, wow, l had no |doa.
l start to apo|og|zo, want hor to know how doop|y
sorry l am, but sho's tar too |mpat|ont, and qu|ck|y
wavos |t away. 1horo's st||| moro to show mo, sho's
not qu|to through yot, and l watch as sho trans|t|ons
|nto a|| ot tho gu|sos sho woro |n hor most rocont ||to.
Evoryth|ng trom hor pr|ma ba||or|na phaso, to hor 1.
Crow proppy phaso, to tho goth phaso sho was |n
back whon wo t|rst mot, to tho short-||vod 0r|na-
wannabo phaso that to||owod, to tho omo phaso that
camo short|y attor, to tho b|ack |oathor and |aco rock
'n' ro|| gypsy |ook that d|dn't |ast |ong botoro
trans|t|on|ng |nto hor supor-scary |mmorta| w|tch
phaso, as V||os onco ca||od |t-tho ono hor ||to ondod
w|th-unt|| t|na||y sott||ng upon a vors|on ot horso|t l'vo
novor soon botoro. Ono whoro hor ha|r |s |ong and
sh|ny and wo|| carod tor, hor oyos c|oar and br|ght, hor
c|oth|ng s||ght|y odgy, |avon-||ko, but not cry|ng out tor
attont|on or |n-your-taco angry. 3ut tho b|ggost chango
ot a|| |s tho rad|ant sm||o that ||ghts up hor taco, to|||ng
mo sho's t|na||y tound horso|t-t|na||y at poaco.
||na||y ||kos who sho |s.
1abb|ng hor thumb botwoon 0amon, loman, and
0r|na, a |ovo tr|ang|o that spannod way too many
contur|os, sho shakos hor hoad, ro||s hor oyos, and
|ots out a |ong w|sttu| s|gh that soon turns |nto a
contag|ous |augh l can't t|ght. 1ho two ot us g|gg||ng |n
a way that rom|nds mo ot bottor days spont w|th V||os
at tho |unch tab|o, |azy attornoons ho|od up |n hor room
w|th a stash ot magaz|nos p||od h|gh botwoon us,
|r|day n|ghts hang|ng |n my 1acuzz| attor hav|ng
dovourod an ont|ro p|zza.
|or tocus sh|ttod back to mo whon sho th|nks: l
ooo`t boto yoo. 7boogb l`m oot goooo |lo, l osoo to.
Aoo oot jost lo tbot |ost |lo, bot lo most o tbo otbors
os wo||. Bot tbot`s oo|y bocooso l wos so ooboppy
wltb myso|, l wos soro tbot ovoryooo o|so boo lt
bottor, boo wbot l oooooo. l wos soro tbot l l coo|o
oo|y c|olm wbot tboy boo, tboo l coo|o bo boppy too.
3ho shakos hor hoad, ro||s hor oyos at tho abso|uto
to||y ot |t. Aoywoy, yoo`|| bo g|oo to koow tbot`s o|| ovor
oow. l`m roo lo moro woys tboo ooo. Now l`m jost
|ooklog orworo to wbotovor comos ooxt.
l swa||ow hard and nod, hor words protty much tho
oppos|to ot what l'd proparod tor, wh|ch makos thom
ovon moro wo|como. Onos l won't soon torgot.
And thon, tho noxt th|ng l know, 0r|na po|nts, |avon
squoa|s, loman gr|ns, and thoy a|| jo|n hands, tho
throo ot thom rush|ng toward somoth|ng v|owab|o on|y
to thom, d|sappoar|ng |nto a br||||ant t|ash ot wh|to ||ght
w|thout onco |ook|ng back.
twonty-tivo
0amon pu||s mo |nto h|s arms, grasps mo t|ght|y to
h|m, thon ||tts mo |nto tho a|r and sw|ngs mo around.
Vy ha|r sw|r||ng boh|nd mo ||ko a sh|ny go|d capo as
wo tw|r| and sp|n and danco and |augh, gaz|ng |n
wondor as th|s onco-barron t|o|d bog|ns to transtorm
|tso|t.
1ho jaggod shards ot pr|son g|ass s|nk|ng doop |nto
tho ground-rocyc||ng t|rst |nto sand, thon |nto a r|ch
dark so|| that prov|dos |nstant nour|shmont tor tho
tormor|y burnod-out troos. A||ow|ng thom to stra|ghton
and strotch, to sprout a th|ck b|ankot ot |oavos, as a
swath ot purp|o and yo||ow w||dt|owors b|oom at tho|r
roots.
1ho two ot us ovorcomo w|th oxc|tomont, br|mm|ng
w|th tho g|oo ot our tr|umph, 0amon's vo|co ||ko a
song |n my oar whon ho says, Wo d|d |t! Wo trood
thom-mado amonds-wo ovon socurod tho roc|po
tor tho ant|doto, and |t's a|| bocauso ot yoo!' ||s ||ps
t|nd my torohoad, my chook, my noso, and my oar,
thon pu|||ng away, ho adds, Evor, do you roa||zo what
thon pu|||ng away, ho adds, Evor, do you roa||zo what
th|s a|| moans?'
l |ook at h|m, my gr|n so w|do my chooks aro
strotchod to tho|r ||m|ts, but st||| want|ng to hoar h|m
say |t, want|ng to hoar tho words spokon out |oud tor
both ot us to hoar.
lt moans wo can t|na||y bo togothor.' |o stops,
prossos h|s torohoad to m|no, h|s broath com|ng tast
and qu|ck. lt moans a|| ot our prob|oms aro so|vod. lt
moans that wo'|| novor havo to v|s|t tho pav|||on aga|n
-not ovon as A|r|k and Ado||na-un|oss, ot courso,
wo want to.' |o w|gg|os h|s brow, om|ts a |ow, doop
|augh. A|| wo havo to do |s hoad back to tho oarth
p|ano, got work|ng on tho brow, and.' |o pausos,
smooths h|s thumb ovor my chook, thon |oans |n to
k|ss mo aga|n.
l roturn |t w|th an |ntons|ty and torvor match|ng h|s.
Awaro ot tho s||m vo|| ot onorgy hovor|ng botwoon us,
koop|ng h|m sato trom what, thanks to loman, has
bocomo my |otha| 0lA, wh|ch, a|so thanks to loman,
won't bo a throat tor much |ongor. |ard|y ab|o to
bo||ovo that tho days ot what wo'vo como to rotor to as
our o|most klss aro so c|oso to bo|ng ovor.
3oon, vory soon, wo'|| bo ab|o to ||vo just ||ko
ovoryono o|so. Ab|o to touch oach othor opon|y, troo|y,
w|thout any worr|os. l|ko wo do |n tho pav|||on-on|y
bottor, bocauso |t'|| bo roa|.
3oon wo'|| ombraco as ourso|vos-our prosont-
tonso so|vos-|nstoad ot |n our var|ous past-||to
gu|sos.
l pu|| away ovor so s||ght|y, c|oso my oyos and turn
my taco to tho sky, stoa||ng a momont to sond a s||ont
thanks to loman, whorovor ho |s, tor g|v|ng us th|s
wondortu| g|tt.
1hon just whon l'm about to k|ss 0amon aga|n, h|s
taco ta||s and ho movos out ot my roach, answor|ng
tho quost|on |n my |nqu|r|ng gazo w|th a curt nod
toward lotus, who knoo|s at a d|stanco.
3ho s|ts at tho odgo ot a pond just a tow toot away,
hor w|spy s||vor strands t|ow|ng troo|y about hor,
murmur|ng sott|y w|th hor hands c|aspod t|ght|y to hor
chost. Gaz|ng upon an abundanco ot |otus b|ossoms
that r|so through tho murky dark wators to b|oom
abovo tho surtaco. 1ho|r sott wh|to and p|nk pota|s
||tt|ng upward, surroundod by sh|ny groon sca||op-
odgod |oavos, ono popp|ng up r|ght attor tho othor
unt|| you can baro|y soo tho wator tor tho t|owors.
3ho roma|ns ||ko that tor somo t|mo. Contont to
mod|tato on tho wondrous v|ow botoro hor, unt|| sho
turns to taco us, woar|ng an oxpross|on that, wh||o not
oxact|y what l'd ca|| troob|oo, hard|y matchos tho t|ood
ot tr|umph 0amon and l aro curront|y |n tho m|dst ot.
0amon's oyos narrow, h|s jaw c|onchos, brac|ng tor
whatovor bad nows ho's suro that sho br|ngs.
1ho two ot us caut|ous|y mov|ng toward hor,
moot|ng ha|tway, both ot us oqua||y start|od whon sho
r|sos trom tho muddy banks, |ooks at us, and says,
Congratu|at|ons.'
Wo wa|t. Wa|t tor somoth|ng to to||ow. 3ut, tor a
wh||o anyway, that sooms to bo a||.
You may roturn to tho oarth p|ano |t you w|sh.' 3ho
g|ancos back and torth botwoon us.
0amon squoozos my hand, |n nood ot no turthor
prodd|ng. |o's moro than roady to |oavo r|ght now,
doosn't soo tho po|nt |n wast|ng anothor socond
hang|ng around. 3ut l stand t|rm. 0|g my hoo|s |n.
3ons|ng |t's not ovor yot, thoro's somoth|ng moro
lotus |s wa|t|ng to sharo.
You havo dono wo||. A|| |s |n b|oom.' 3ho gosturos
toward tho t|owors that aro st||| b|ossom|ng, and to tho
|andscapo boyond. You havo ovon trood tho |ost
onos.' 3ho prossos hor pa|ms togothor, torm|ng a
stoop|o sho ho|ds c|oso to hor hoart, hor s|mp|o go|d
band g||nt|ng at us. And so you aro troo to |oavo. |roo
to roturn to your |mmorta| ||vos. Yot, l wondor.'
Wo |ook at hor, mo cur|ous, 0amon on guard,
t|ngors cur||ng at h|s s|dos.
l wondor |t you w||| want to roturn to your ||vos attor
a|| you havo |oarnod. l wondor |t you w||| chooso a ||to
ot phys|ca| |mmorta||ty attor hav|ng |oarnod tho truth ot
tho sou|.'
0amon ro||s h|s oyos, grunts, and aga|n, tr|os to
hau| mo away. 3ut l stay r|ght whoro l am, |ook|ng at
lotus whon l say, Aro you |mp|y|ng wo actua||y havo a
cho|co?'
3ho ||tts ono gnar|od o|d hand, brushos a stray w|sp
ot ha|r away trom hor taco. Oh yos,' sho says, hor
gazo mov|ng ovor mo. 1horo |s a cho|co. A way out.'
l pross my ||ps |nto a trown, try|ng to dotorm|no just
what that m|ght moan. 0oc|d|ng l don't ||ko tho
conc|us|on l como to, don't ||ko |t at a||, whon l say, lt
you'ro rotorr|ng to oootb as a way out.' l shako my
hoad, b||nk a tow t|mos, hard|y bo||ov|ng sho wou|d
ovon daro broach such a th|ng. Wo||, you can torgot |t.
lo way |s that happon|ng. l moan, |n caso you don't
romombor, that protty much rosu|ts |n a ono-way t|ckot
to tho 3hadow|and tor poop|o ||ko us. And s|nco wo
d|d a protty good job ot c|oan|ng up tho 3hadow|and
just now, wo'd hato to soo |t rosort r|ght back to |ts o|d
ways. lot to mont|on how thoro's no guarantoo
anyono wou|d ovon show up to ro|oaso us ||ko wo just
ro|oasod loman, 0r|na, |avon, and ovoryono o|so.' l
pauso |ong onough to hutt, b|ow my ha|r out ot my
oyos, but not |ong onough tor hor to |ntorjoct. A|so,
you shou|d probab|y know that wo havo tho ant|doto
now-or at |oast tho roc|po to mako |t. Wh|ch moans
wo'vo just boon handod a who|o now roason tor ||v|ng
-a roa||y gooo roason tor ||v|ng. Wo havo oach othor
orovor. Wo can ||vo tho ||to wo'vo a|ways droamod ot.
orovor. Wo can ||vo tho ||to wo'vo a|ways droamod ot.
And t|na||y, wo||, tho who|o dy|ng th|ng |s protty much
moot anyway, s|nco l can't actua||y d|o anymoro. 3ack
whon |avon k|||od mo, l roso abovo my woak chakra. l
ovorcamo my woaknoss, mado tho r|ght doc|s|on, and
bocauso ot |t, l camo back to jo|n tho ||v|ng. l'm
ookl||ob|o now.' l ||tt my shou|dors, know|ng |t may
sound wo|rd, but thon, wo|rd |s a|| ro|at|vo horo. l'm a
troo |mmorta|. |oro tor tho durat|on. l'm not go|ng
anywhoro, and l roa||y protor that 0amon doosn't go
anywhoro o|thor.'
And you?' 3ho turns to 0amon, tota||y untazod by
ovoryth|ng l just sa|d. 0o you agroo w|th th|s? 0o you
too| as sho doos?'
|o trowns, g|aros, tooth gnash|ng togothor as ho
grumb|os an unoqu|voca| Ot courso l do!' 1hon ho
squoozos my hand, oagor to |oavo.
3ut ovon though l'm oagor to |oavo too, tor tho
momont, my cur|os|ty's p|quod and l want to soo
whoro th|s |oads. Wondor|ng |t l m|ght a|roady know
whon l say, 1h|s woy oot that you rotor to, |s th|s tor us
or tor yoo?' Vy oyos narrow|ng as l roca|| hor oar||or
words, whon sho boggod mo to ro|oaso hor, but trom
what, sho novor mado c|oar.
ls sbo stock
A prlsooor o tbo 5booow|ooo bot wltboot tbo g|oss
cogo
1ho answor com|ng |n tho torm ot hor usua| r|dd|o
whon sho says, lt |s tor you, tor mo, tor a|| ot us. Onco
l |oarnod tho truth, l was a|roady too o|d and tra|| to
mako tho journoy. 3ut now you aro horo. loturnod just
tor th|s. l can soo |t |n your oyos, |n tho ||ght that
surrounds you. You aro tho ono. 1ho on|y ono. 1ho tato
ot many ||os |n your hands.'
3o . bas|ca||y you'ro say|ng that my journoy |sn't
ovon c|oso to bo|ng t|n|shod? 1hat thoro's st||| a
hockuva |ot moro you oxpoct mo to do?' Vy gazo
narrows as l try to dotorm|no just how l too| about that,
most|y voor|ng toward bo|ng vory much aga|nst |t.
3ho nods, hor c|umpy o|d oyos novor onco |oav|ng
m|no. You aro so c|oso. lt |s bost to koop go|ng trom
whoro you now stand. Whoro dost|ny |s concornod,
oach stop |oads to tho noxt.'
Oh, suro,' 0amon says, tho sound ot h|s vo|co
start||ng mo |n that |t's ovon gruttor than l wou|d'vo
oxpoctod. 3ut to lotus's crod|t, sho doosn't roact,
doosn't w|nco, doosn't t||nch, just cont|nuos to stand
thoro, obsorv|ng h|m w|th hor usua| ca|m. 3uro, wo'||
got r|ght on that.' |o shakos h|s hoad. 3orry, lotus,
but you'ro gonna havo to g|vo us a ||tt|o moro to go on.
Evor and l havo boon through tho wr|ngor and wo
camo out on top, got tho ono th|ng wo wantod-tho
ono th|ng wo noodod to mako our ||vos comp|oto, and
now you th|nk you can just show up, toss anothor
crypt|c r|dd|o our way, and stoor us out ot our much-
dosorvod v|ctory co|obrat|on and back |nto moro
troub|o-troub|o that you a|ono havo croatod?' |o
g|aros. 1h|nk aga|n.'
3or|ous|y,' l add, oncouragod by h|s argumont.
Why shou|d wo ovon cons|dor do|ng th|s? Why can't
you t|nd somoono o|so, ono ot tho othor |mmorta|s,
maybo? |avon't wo boon through onough a|roady?'
3ut |nstoad ot answor|ng my quost|on, sho t||ts hor
hoad |n 0amon's d|roct|on and says, 0amon, |s |t
roa||y l who croatod |t? Or was that yoo?'
0amon moots hor gazo, but c|amps h|s ||ps shut,
rotus|ng to spoak. And whon |t's c|oar ho has no p|ans
to addross hor, l nudgo h|m w|th my o|bow and say,
What's sho ta|k|ng about? What |s |t you'ro not to|||ng
mo?'
|o swa||ows, squ|rms, k|cks at tho ground, puts |t
ott tor as |ong as ho can botoro ho takos a doop
broath and says, 3ho c|a|ms to bo ono ot tho
orphans. C|a|ms l savod hor trom tho b|ack p|aguo
ovor s|x hundrod yoars ago whon l mado hor dr|nk
trom tho o||x|r.'
l ba|k, oyos pract|ca||y popp|ng trom tho|r sockots
as l g|anco at tho two ot thom. ||na||y t|nd|ng onough
vo|co to say, Aoo ls |t troo?' Wondor|ng why no ono
saw t|t to mont|on th|s botoro. Wondor|ng |t th|s |s
what sho showod h|m that day whon l watchod thom
sharo a s||ont commun|cat|on.
0amon shrugs, sw|pos a hand ovor h|s brow and
gazos a|| around. lo. lo way. lt's |mposs|b|o. 3ho's
mak|ng |t up,' ho says, obv|ous|y moro t|ustorod than
ho |ots on. laus|ng tor a momont, |ong onough to
gathor h|s thoughts, s|gh|ng |oud|y as ho adds,
|onost|y? l don't know. l'vo boon rack|ng my bra|n
s|nco tho day sho t|rst to|d mo, but l just can't roca||. lt's
hor word aga|nst my momory and thoro's no way to
know tor suro. Usua||y |t's tho oyos that g|vo |t away,
bo|ng tho w|ndow to tho sou| and a|| that-but hors aro
so damagod, thoy'ro comp|oto|y unrocogn|zab|o.
3ho's not tho |oast b|t tam|||ar to mo.' |o shakos h|s
hoad, takos a momont to scow| at lotus, h|s taco
sotton|ng whon ho turns back to mo. Evor, you'vo got
to romombor wo'ro ta|k|ng ovor slx boooroo yoors
s|nco l |ast saw thoso poop|o. And tho on|y roason l
d|dn't mont|on |t botoro |s bocauso l d|dn't want to
worry you unnocossar||y, ospoc|a||y whon thoro's no
way to provo |t o|thor way. 3os|dos, my on|y concorn
|s tor you-tor us-r|ght horo |n tho prosont, and wo||
|nto tho tuturo. 1ho past no |ongor concorns mo. Othor
than 0r|na and loman, l havo no |doa what bocamo
ot tho othor orphans. l havo no |doa whoro thoy ondod
up-'
3ut loman d|d know,' l cut |n, romombor|ng what
|avon to|d mo, about what loman to|d hor, tho stor|os
ho wroto |n h|s journa|s.
0amon and 0r|na may havo movod on, but loman
stuck around, kopt |n touch. Evontua||y d|scovor|ng a
way to ro-croato tho o||x|r, and whon tho ottocts bogan
to woar ott, somot|mo around ono hundrod and t|tty
yoars |ator, whon tho |mmorta|s bogan to show tho
ravagos ot ag|ng, ho trackod thom a|| down and had
thom dr|nk aga|n, ropoat|ng tho soquonco ovory
contury and a ha|t, unt|| now. low that ho's gono,
thoro's no ono to |ook attor thom. lot to mont|on
thoro's no to|||ng just how many ho doc|dod to turn on
h|s own. lt tho numbor ot unrocogn|zab|o sou|s wo just
ro|oasod trom tho 3hadow|and was any |nd|cat|on, |t's
sato to assumo thoro aro many, many moro.
l study lotus, wondor|ng how |ong |t's boon s|nco
sho |ast drank tho o||x|r. l'vo novor soon anyono as o|d
as hor, ospoc|a||y an |mmorta|. A|| ot tho |mmorta|s l
know aro young, boaut|tu|, g|ow|ng w|th hoa|th and
v|ta||ty, phys|ca||y portoct |n ovory |mag|nab|o way.
Whoroas sho's just tho oppos|to-o|d, woathorod, hor
sk|n so papor-th|n, body so tra||, |t sooms as though
tho s||ghtost h|nt ot a broozo cou|d t|p hor r|ght ovor,
broak hor |nto a m||||on sharp ||tt|o p|ocos.
0amon and l aro so |ost |n thought wo'ro both
caught by surpr|so whon lotus spr|ngs torward and
grabs ho|d ot our hands, hor anc|ont oyos boam|ng
br|ght|y as hor m|nd connocts w|th ours, projoct|ng a
s|ow ot |magos l novor wou|d'vo oxpoctod-|magos
that |oavo mo quost|on|ng ovoryth|ng.
twonty-aix
lotus's t|ngors ontw|no w|th ours, tho too| ot thom dry,
coo|, but surpr|s|ng|y strong, as hor m|nd projocts a
sor|os ot portra|ts, ||ko |nd|v|dua| sop|a pr|nts, ono
attor anothor, ovontua||y stroam|ng and b|ond|ng |nto a
mov|ng-p|cturo tormat. 3how|ng a qu|ck g||mpso ot
tho orphans, a|| ||nod up |n a row, |ook|ng as thoy d|d
back thon. 0amon and 0r|na t|ank|ng ono ond, lotus
and loman on tho othor, tho rost gathorod |n tho
m|dd|o.
long botoro sho bocamo lotus, sho was a dark-
ha|rod, br|ght-oyod ch||d namod l|a, who, not |ong
attor dr|nk|ng tho o||x|r, t|od tho orphanago w|th a|| tho
othors on|y to bo takon |n by a tam||y ot modost moans
who, mourn|ng tho ch||d thoy |ost to tho p|aguo, woro
oagor tor a rop|acomont.
3ho ||vod norma||y at t|rst, hav|ng no |doa what
sho'd bocomo. 3ho grow up, marr|od, but |t wasn't
|ong botoro sho roa||zod sho was d|ttoront. lot on|y
cou|d sho not boar ch||dron, but sho cou|dn't t|guro out
why ovoryono around hor agod wh||o sho stayod tho
samo. A roa||zat|on that soon torcod hor to do what a||
|mmorta|s must ovontua||y do onco tho subt|o
quost|ons and cur|ous |nqu|r|os bog|n to grow |nto
r|s|ng susp|c|on, hystor|a, and |rrat|ona| crowd-dr|von
toar-undor tho covor ot n|ght, sho grabbod a tow
bo|ong|ngs and ran, novor to roturn, or at |oast not tor
sovora| contur|os.
3ho wandorod. lomarr|od-moro than onco.
0otorm|nod to stay |n oach p|aco, w|th oach husband,
tor as |ong as sho cou|d unt|| tho constant nood to t|oo
bocamo so unboarab|o sho dotorm|nod |t omot|ona||y
oas|or to ||vo on hor own. Evontua||y grow|ng to abhor
hor |mmorta||ty, sook ways to rovorso |t, want|ng on|y
to rojo|n tho natura| ordor ot bo|ng, to ||vo ||ko
ovoryono o|so.
3ho travo|od. ||rst to lnd|a thon on to 1|bot, whoro
sho stud|od w|th myst|cs, shamans, gurus, a who|o
host ot sp|r|tua| sookors and gu|dos who showod hor
how to pur|ty hor body and c|oanso hor sou|, but
cou|dn't ho|p hor rovorso tho cho|co sho mado a||
thoso yoars ago whon sho was too young to
undorstand tho consoquoncos. 1ho |rony ot hor
stud|os bo|ng that sho'd unknow|ng|y succoodod |n
strongthon|ng hor chakras to tho po|nt whoro sho'd
rondorod horso|t comp|oto|y |nvu|norab|o, |mmuno to
tho ono th|ng sho sought abovo ovoryth|ng o|so-tho
ro|oaso that on|y doath can br|ng about.
U|t|mato|y grow|ng so advancod |n hor stud|os, sho
bocamo known as a co|obratod m|rac|o workor, tho
most sought-attor hoa|or. 1ho namo sho now goos by,
lotus, stomm|ng trom hor ab|||ty to mako that boaut|tu|
t|owor b|oom r|ght trom tho contor ot hor pa|ms, s|mp|y
by c|os|ng hor oyos and w|sh|ng |t to bo so. An act sho
was capab|o ot not just |n 3ummor|and, but a|so on
tho oarth p|ano back homo.
0otorm|nod to sott|o |nto a co||bato, so||tary
ox|stonco, but tato had othor |doas, and |t wasn't |ong
botoro sho mot somoono and to|| |n |ovo. loa| |ovo.
1ruo |ovo. 1ho k|nd ot |ovo wh|ch, dosp|to sovora|
husbands, sho'd novor oxpor|oncod botoro.
1ho k|nd whoro sho bu||t onough trust to cont|do tho
truth ot hor ox|stonco, tr|od to conv|nco hor |ovor to go
to loman, to dr|nk too, to bocomo ||ko hor, so thoy'd
novor suttor tho pa|n ot |os|ng oach othor.
3ut ho rotusod. Choso to grow o|d. And whon tho
day t|na||y camo that sho kno|t bos|do h|s doathbod,
trott|ng at tho s|mp|o go|d band ho'd p|acod on hor
t|ngor, ho prom|sod to do ovoryth|ng w|th|n h|s powor
t o oot ro|ncarnato. 1o oot roturn to tho oarth p|ano.
3tat|ng ho'd much rathor wa|t tor hor to t|nd a way to
rovorso hor |mmorta||ty, so that sho co|d somoday jo|n
h|m |n tho groat horoattor.
|o |ott hor on hor own to grow o|dor, thon o|dor st|||.
|or body ovontua||y bocom|ng so docrop|t, sho
prayod tho shoor oxhaust|on ot koop|ng |t go|ng wou|d
u|t|mato|y conv|nco hor broath to stop com|ng, hor
hoart to stop boat|ng, so sho cou|d moot up w|th hor
|ovor aga|n-but st|||, sho ||vos on.
3ho cont|nuod hor stud|os, cont|nuod to soarch tor
a way out, u|t|mato|y d|scovor|ng tho so|ut|on on|y attor
sho'd grown too o|d to mako tho tr|p.
1hough sho rotusod to g|vo up. W|th tho |ong-ho|d
w|sh ot hor roun|on t|na||y w|th|n roach, sho spont tho
|ast contury track|ng down a|| ot tho roma|n|ng
orphans, rovoa||ng tho truth ot what sho'd |oarnod,
hop|ng to conv|nco ono ot thom to mako tho journoy-
to br|ng back tho chanco at a now |oaso on ||to.
l|to as |t was |ntondod to bo.
1o prov|do thom a|| w|th a sort ot do-ovor-a
socond chanco to mako a tu||y |ntormod doc|s|on as
to whothor or not to koop go|ng ||ko thoy aro. Un||ko
tho t|mo whon thoy woro too young and scarod to
roa||zo tho consoquoncos-whon thoy a|| rushod to
dr|nk w|thout a socond thought.
0r|na rotusod hor t|at out. loman |aughod |n hor
taco. Wh||o tho othors s|mp|y shook tho|r hoads,
gazod upon hor w|th groat p|ty, and to|d hor to go
away.
0amon was tho |ast on hor ||st-hor |ast hopo.
Unt|| sho saw mo.
l thought |t was onough that l tound a way to ro|oaso
tho sou|s and rovorso tho 3hadow|and, but, as |t turns
out, thoro's st||| moro you want mo to do.' l g|aro,
shako my hoad, and yank troo ot hor gr|p. Vy t|ngors
s||pp|ng past tho th|n go|d band sho woars on hor |ott
hand, too||ng romorso tor tho |oss ot hor |ovod ono, but
unsuro what l'm supposod to do. You put mo through
a|| that ho||, whon a|| a|ong that wasn't ovon tho journoy
you had |n m|nd-you had somoth|ng o|so p|annod tor
mo that who|o ont|ro t|mo!'
Each stop |oads to tho noxt,' sho says, hor vo|co
tar ca|mor than m|no. Evoryth|ng you havo
oxpor|oncod |n th|s ||to as wo|| as thoso pr|or has
proparod you tor th|s momont. Each doc|s|on you
mado has |andod you horo. And wh||o you havo
accomp||shod so much-thoro |s much |ott to do. 1ho
journoy |s |ong and arduous-but tho roward |s too
groat to m|ss. 1horo aro many who awa|t you-awa|t
you to ro|oaso thom. You aro tho on|y ono who can do
so. 1h|s |s why you koop ro|ncarnat|ng, Evor. You havo
a dost|ny to tu|t|||.'
l squ|nt, roa||z|ng w|th a start that's tho t|rst t|mo
sho's ovor usod my roa| namo, or at |oast my curront
roa| namo. Usua||y sho ca||s mo Ado||na, or just po|nts
as sho s|ngs that domontod song ot hors. And l can't
ho|p but wondor what moro l cou|d poss|b|y bo
oxpoctod to do attor a|| that l'vo a|roady boon through.
3urv|v|ng a past ||to l novor roa||zod l'd ||vod, noar|y
drown|ng |n tho l|vor ot |orgottu|noss, noar|y gott|ng
burnod a||vo |n tho dosort ot two b|az|ng suns, troo|ng
tho |ost sou|s ot tho 3hadow|and and rostor|ng |t back
to tho sp|ondor ot 3ummor|and.
Attor a|| that, l'm just not suro l'm up tor any now
cha||ongos. lot whon ovoryth|ng 0amon and l havo
boon str|v|ng tor a|| th|s t|mo |s t|na||y wo|| w|th|n our
roach. A|| wo havo to do |s hoad back to tho oarth
p|ano, co||oct tho |ngrod|onts, wh|p up tho ant|doto,
g|vo |t a shako and a sw|g, and tho happ||y ovor attor
|s ours.
On|y you can br|ng back tho truth. On|y you can t|nd
|t,' lotus says, tho words spokon p|a|n|y, s|mp|y,
boar|ng no s|gns ot bogg|ng or p|oad|ng.
locato wbot oxact|y?' 0amon asks, mak|ng no
attompt to h|do h|s oxasporat|on.
3ut lotus |s |mmuno to our outbursts. |rom what l
can soo, sho cyc|os botwoon two moods-voor|ng
trom s||ght|y tor|orn, to ca|m and sorono.
1ho 1roo ot l|to,' sho says, hor gazo d|roctod at
h|m. On|y Evor can t|nd |t. On|y Evor can br|ng back
|ts tru|t. 1ho troo |s ovorg|v|ng. lts tru|t prov|dos
on||ghtonmont-tho know|odgo ot truo |mmorta||ty-
tho sou|'s |mmorta||ty-to thoso who sook |t-as wo||
as rovors|ng tho ta|so, phys|ca| |mmorta||ty ot thoso
who'vo boon too|od.'
And |t sho doosn't go? lt sho turns hor back on you,
on a|| ot th|s, and roturns to tho oarth p|ano, thon
what?' 0amon's brow r|sos |n cha||ongo.
1hon |t's a p|ty. 1hon l havo m|sjudgod hor.
Undorost|matod hor. 1hon sho w||| not roa||zo hor
dost|ny and many w||| suttor. Yot |t |s hor cho|co
ont|ro|y. l can on|y ask, sho has tho troo w||| to doc|do
on hor own.' lotus tacos mo whon sho adds, 0o you
st||| havo that sma|| pouch that l gavo you?'
Vy oyos narrow, my ||ps part, l'd torgotton a|| about
tho ||tt|o s||k pouch sho handod mo at tho bog|nn|ng ot
tho journoy, and attor a|| that l'vo boon through, l doubt
|t's st||| w|th mo.
l snako my t|ngors |nto oach ot my pockots,
ovontua||y t|nd|ng |t wodgod doop |nto tho cornor ot
tho r|ghthand back ono, tho |ast ono l chock. lt's
crump|od, tota||y squashod and cr|nk|y, but st||| l
rotr|ovo |t and dang|o |t botoro mo.
|or taco ||tt|ng |nto a sm||o as sho says, 0o you
romombor my words whon l gavo |t to you?'
l squ|nt, soarch|ng through tho c|uttorod contonts ot
my m|nd. You sa|d, 'Evoryth|ng you th|nk you nood |s
|n horo. You doc|do what that moans.' Or somoth|ng
||ko that.'
3ho nods. Gr|ns. Vy attont|on c|a|mod by tho |argo
gaps |n hor tooth whon sho says, And so, w|th that |n
m|nd, what |s tho ono th|ng you dos|ro most-abovo
ovoryth|ng o|so? l|ght now, at th|s vory momont, what
|s |t you want?'
l hos|tato. 3taro at a sma|| patch ot grass at my toot.
Awaro ot 0amon's gazo wo|gh|ng hoav||y upon mo,
wondor|ng why l won't say |t, why tho do|ay.
1ho samo th|ng l wondor as wo||.
l wondor why tho word won't como-why |t too|s ||ko
such a strugg|o, whon |t's tho ono th|ng, tho on|y th|ng,
wo'vo sought a|| th|s t|mo.
l|tt|ng my gazo to moot lotus's, l t|ght to push tho
words past my tonguo. Vy vo|co woodon, portunctory,
dovo|d ot omot|on, whon l say, 1ho ant|doto. l-rathor
wo, havo tho roc|po, but wo st||| nood to co||oct tho
|ngrod|onts, attond to a|| tho moon phasos, and .
whatnot.' l a||ow tho words to tra|| ott. Vy hoart
hammor|ng, my stomach jumb|od |n knots, my t|ngors
tw|tch|ng w||d|y as lotus's oyos travo| botwoon 0amon
and mo.
And so |t |s.' 3ho nods, as though |t |s dono, and
whon tho gosturo |s mot w|th two skopt|ca| staros, sho
adds, l|oaso. look |ns|do. You w||| t|nd |t conta|ns
ovoryth|ng you nood to mako th|s ant|doto ot yours.
lnc|ud|ng a vory raro horb that w||| bo d|tt|cu|t to t|nd
back on tho oarth p|ano. And yos, a|| ot tho moon
phasos havo boon accountod tor.'
Contont to |oavo |t at that, sho starts to shutt|o away,
stopp|ng on|y whon l ca|| hor back to mo and say,
You'ro jok|ng, r|ght?' l dang|o tho t|ny pouch, know|ng
thoro's no poss|b|o way |t cou|d ovor conta|n a|| tho
|toms loman |nc|udod |n that |ong grocory ||st ot h|s.
lt's too sma||. A ||st ||ko that wou|d roqu|ro a comp|oto|y
stuttod dutt|o bag, or two.
lotus stops, stoop|os hor hands at hor chost, and
says, Why don't you ompty tho contonts and soo?'
l trown, knoo| onto tho grass, pu|||ng tho str|ngs as l
t||t tho t|ny bag on |ts s|do. Unab|o to do anyth|ng but
gasp whon a s|ow ot horbs, crysta|s, and t|ny g|ass
v|a|s ot ||qu|ds tumb|o out. |av|ng no |doa whoro thoy
cou|d poss|b|y bo com|ng trom-tho bag conta|ns tar
moro |toms than |t cou|d ovor |og|ca||y ho|d.
lt |s a|| thoro. Evoryth|ng you nood to procood. 1ust
to||ow loman's |nstruct|ons and tho ||to that you droam
ot |s yours.' 3ho stops, |ook|ng at mo whon sho adds,
Or |s |t?'
l gu|p. 3trugg|o to broatho. 3tar|ng at tho bounty a||
sproad out botoro mo-a gonorous hoap ot hard-to-
t|nd, comp|ox |ngrod|onts l'vo boon soarch|ng tor a|| ot
th|s t|mo-tho answor to a|| ot our prob|oms r|ght horo
tor tho tak|ng.
And yot, ovon though l know l shou|d bo happy, |t not
comp|oto|y ocstat|c, l can't soom to stop hor words
trom ropoat|ng |n my hoad, can't dampon tho doubt
sho ra|sod whon sho sa|d: Or ls lt
3omoth|ng wrong?' |or rhoumy gazo movos ovor
mo. |avo you changod your m|nd? ls thoro
somoth|ng o|so you'd rathor havo?'
Evor-' 0amon drops to h|s knoos r|ght bos|do
mo, w||||ng mo to taco h|m, to say somoth|ng, to ottor
somo sort ot oxp|anat|on.
3ut l can't.
|ow can l oxp|a|n |t to h|m whon l can baro|y mako
sonso ot |t myso|t?
|o'|| on|y got angry.
Won't undorstand.
And, on tho surtaco at |oast, l can't say l b|amo h|m.
3ut th|s goos so much doopor than that. 1h|s harks
back to tho journoy-my dost|ny-tho vory roason l
koop ro|ncarnat|ng.
And suddon|y l know. 3uddon|y, l'm thorough|y
conv|ncod that dr|nk|ng trom tho ant|doto |s just
anothor d|stract|on-|t's not tho answor wo'vo tru|y
boon sook|ng.
ln tho ond, |t won't so|vo a th|ng.
Won't so|vo tho ono th|ng that noods to bo so|vod
moro than anyth|ng o|so.
3uro |t w||| a||ow us to bo togothor |n tho way that wo
want-but that's a|| |t a||ows. lt's ||ko s|app|ng a 3and-
A|d on a b|g gap|ng wound-|t doos noth|ng to hoa|
tho damago ot what's a|roady boon dono.
lt doos noth|ng to chango tho tact that wo'ro on tho
wrong courso.
Onco wo roa||zo how wo'vo choatod ourso|vos out
ot tho ||vos wo'ro moant to ||vo by choos|ng phys|ca|
|mmorta||ty ovor tho |mmorta||ty ot our sou|s-tho
ant|doto |s no |ongor tho |ssuo.
lt 0amon and l aro tru|y go|ng to bo togothor thon
wo'|| havo to roach tar, tar doopor than that. Wo'|| havo
to adm|t that our prob|oms d|dn't start tho day loman
tr|ckod mo-thoy startod sovora| contur|os oar||or
whon A|r|k cou|dn't boar to |oso Ado||na-thon
cu|m|natod whon ho ro|ncarnatod as 0amon,
portoctod tho o||x|r, and changod tho courso ot our
sou|s torovor.
lt 0amon and l aro tru|y go|ng to bo togothor thon
wo'|| havo to ro|oaso ourso|vos trom that path, wo'||
havo to rovorso tho cho|cos ho mado |n tho past, wo'||
havo to pay ott that hugo karm|c dobt by mak|ng th|s
journoy to tho 1roo ot l|to, obta|n|ng |ts tru|t, and
ottor|ng a|| tho othors a chanco to ro|oaso thomso|vos
too.
On|y thon w||| wo bo troo to movo on.
On|y thon w||| wo got our troo happ||y ovor attor.
Othorw|so, l'vo no doubt anothor g|ar|ng obstac|o
w||| just t|nd a way to prosont |tso|t, and on |t w||| go, tor
ovormoro.
l tako a doop broath, but t|nd l don't roa||y nood |t.
lt's ||ko l can too| that purp|o g|ow rad|at|ng |ns|do mo
onco aga|n. l'vo novor to|t moro suro ot myso|t.
1horo |s somoth|ng o|so l'd rathor havo.' Vy oyos
moot lotus's, tho two ot us ho|d|ng tho |ook tor what
too|s ||ko a vory |ong t|mo. l want to tu|t||| my dost|ny. l
want to comp|oto my journoy,' l say, my vo|co so||d,
stoady, moro corta|n than ovor. l want to comp|oto tho
task l was born to do.'
l can hoar 0amon bos|do mo, h|s suddon |ntako ot
broath, and l know w|thout |ook|ng that |t's part|y duo to
my words, and part|y duo to tho tact that tho
|ngrod|onts havo now d|sappoarod.
3ut l don't |ook. |or tho momont anyway, my gazo
stays on lotus. 3oo|ng hor stand|ng botoro mo,
grant|ng mo a curt nod a|ong w|th a s|ow|y curv|ng
sm||o whon sho says, As you w|sh.'
Evor.'
||s chook prossos |nto my ha|r as h|s ||ps sook my
oar, and though tho vo|co |s corta|n|y ma|o, |t's not ono
l rocogn|zo.
1ho m|st cont|nuos to gathor-rondor|ng |t
|mposs|b|o tor mo to dotorm|no just who tho vo|co
bo|ongs to. ||s body pross|ng, contorm|ng aga|nst
m|no, as l squ|nch my oyos shut, try to poor |ns|do h|s
hoad, but got nowhoro tast. Whoovor th|s |s, ho's
|oarnod to put up ono hock ot a sh|o|d aga|nst such
attacks.
l pu|| back, strugg|o to broak troo, but |t's no uso.
|o's untoas|b|y strong and cont|nuos to c||ng ||ko a
drown|ng man |ntont on dragg|ng mo a|ong.
Carotu|,' ho says, h|s taco sh|tt|ng, a||ow|ng tor a
gust ot co|d broath to b|ast a|| tho way down tho |ongth
ot my nock, as tho push ot h|s t|ngors rad|atos through
my c|othos.
Co|d broath.
Co|dor t|ngors.
Unusua| strongth.
1houghts l can't hoar.
Can on|y moan ono th|ng.
Varco?' l vonturo, wondor|ng |t |t moans that
V|sa's horo too s|nco l raro|y soo thom w|thout oach
othor.
|ard|y.' Chas|ng tho word w|th a doop, scath|ng
|augh that sooms moro than a ||tt|o |nappropr|ato
cons|dor|ng tho c|rcumstancos wo t|nd ourso|vos |n.
1hon who.' l start, wondor|ng |t |t's ono ot tho
othor |mmorta|s loman m|ght'vo turnod, though |t's
not |ong botoro ho supp||os tho answor tor mo.
lato,' ho says, h|s vo|co |ow and doop. You may
not romombor mo, but wo'vo mot onco or tw|co.
1hough a|ways casua||y, novor torma||y.'
l swa||ow hard, hav|ng no |doa |t that's good nows or
bad. |o's a|ways boon a b|t ot an on|gma, though l
don't dwo|| on |t |ong. Vy ma|n concorn |s broak|ng out
ot h|s gr|p. 1ho rost w||| to||ow.
l hopo l d|dn't scaro you.' |o |oosons h|s ho|d just a
||tt|o, but on|y a ||tt|o, not onough to grant mo my
troodom. l |ost my toot|ng. |o|| doop |nto tho canyon
back thoro. luck||y tor mo, l d|dn't h|t bottom-
assum|ng thoro |s a bottom. lnstoad l got hung up on
an outcropp|ng ot rocks, thon spont what sooms ||ko
just shy ot torovor t|nd|ng my way back up tho s|do.
Wh|ch, by tho way, |s a |ot oas|or sa|d than dono whon
you can't soo a b|oody th|ng. Wont through so many
soasons, l |ost track. Anyway, l was just about to g|vo
up, sot up camp, or moro accurato|y hang on to what
||tt|o l cou|d unt|| tho tog c|oars, whon l hoard tootstops,
your vo|co, and wo||, |t gavo mo just tho |ncont|vo l
noodod to c||mb tastor and t|nd my way to satoty. 1ust
know|ng l was no |ongor a|ono |n th|s godtorsakon
p|aco mado |t oas|or. 3ut, l havo to to|| you, Evor, l'm a
b|t surpr|sod to t|nd you horo on your own, l thought tor
suro you'd bo w|th 0amon. 3o who woro you ta|k|ng to
anyway? Yourso|t?'
l narrow my gazo, know|ng bottor than to answor
that quost|on, or ovon to |ot on that l'm out horo on my
own. |o's mock|ng mo. |o's not tho |oast b|t s|ncoro.
And though tho m|st doos a roa||y good job ot
obscur|ng h|s taco, a||ow|ng mo on|y a g||mpso ot tho
ta|ntost out||no ot h|s dark wavy ha|r, |t's not ||ko l nood
to actua||y soo h|m to cont|rm |t. 1ho contompt |n h|s
vo|co r|ngs |oud and c|oar.
lt you ask mo, wo havo two cho|cos,' ho says, as
though wo'ro just two good tr|onds poo||ng our w|ts,
soarch|ng tor a so|ut|on that's mutua||y bonot|c|a| and
p|oas|ng. Wo can o|thor s|t th|s th|ng out and wa|t tor
tho tog to c|oar, or wo can mako our way back down
and hoad out ot horo. l voto tor mak|ng our way back
down, how about you?'
A m||||on rotorts rush torth, but l c|amp my ||ps shut
botoro l say somoth|ng l m|ght ||vo to rogrot. Evon
though h|s prox|m|ty |s g|v|ng mo tho croops, ovon
though l'm tomptod to p|uck h|s t|ngors r|ght ott my
s|oovo-l can no |ongor do that. lot attor a|| that l'vo
|oarnod. low that l know wo'ro a|| ono-a|| connoctod
-tho o|d roact|ons no |ongor work.
3ut that doosn't moan l havo to ongago. l'vo no
doubt h|s |ntont|ons aron't good. l movo to push past
h|m, oagor to put as much d|stanco botwoon us as l
poss|b|y can, carotu| to s||onco a|| thoughts ot worry,
parano|a, or toar that h|s moro prosonco has
spawnod.
|or ono th|ng, l don't want h|m to ovorhoar my
thoughts, and tor anothor, l nood to c|oar my m|nd so l
can rosorvo my tocus tor wh|ch d|roct|on tho troo
m|ght ||o |n.
3ut my m|nd draws a b|ank.
3ummor|and has prov|dod a|| that |t w|||. What
happons trom horo rosts so|o|y on mo.
lato trudgos boh|nd, h|s str|do ta|||ng uncomtortab|y
c|oso. 3ut my nood tor caut|on proc|udos mo trom
mov|ng too tast, so l cont|nuo a|ong, carotu||y p|ac|ng
ono toot |n tront ot tho othor, tontat|vo|y tost|ng oach
stop botoro a||ow|ng my tu|| wo|ght to ta|| upon |t.
|oo||ng my way a|ong tho path ||ko a b||nd porson
nav|gat|ng an untam|||ar room, know|ng th|s may tako
much |ongor than nocossary, but a|so know|ng |t's
bottor to go s|ow, bottor to stay sato, than to |oso my
toot|ng and bo otorna||y sorry.
l just hopo l'm hoadod tho r|ght way.
l st||| th|nk wo shou|d turn back,' lato says, oas||y
c|os|ng tho d|stanco botwoon us as ho stumb|os
boh|nd mo.
1hon turn back.' Vy oyos swoop tho aroa, on h|gh
a|ort tor s|gns ot . wo||, anyth|ng, somoth|ng. loa||y. l
was do|ng just t|no on my own.'
Wow.' lato hutts, putts, makos a b|g show ot
|ott|ng mo know just how ottondod ho |s, though h|s
vo|co sounds tar moro amusod than |nsu|tod. You
roa||y know how to mako a b|oko too| wo|como,
don'tcha, Evor? You shou|d bo happy l'm horo. 3ut,
thon aga|n, loman d|d warn mo about you.'
Yoah, and just what oxact|y d|d loman say?' l
pauso, turn|ng to taco h|m, stra|n|ng to got a bottor
|ook, but st||| noth|ng. 1ho m|st |s tar too th|ck tor mo to
d|scorn much ot anyth|ng.
l tocus back on tho tra||, w|nc|ng at tho way lato's
b|ttor, ch|||od broath trosts tho back ot my hoad whon
ho says, loman sa|d p|onty. 3oomod to havo a protty
good hand|o on you. 3ut l'm atra|d l can't roa||y
oxpound upon any ot that. At tho momont, |t sooms tho
dota||s havo oscapod mo. l b|amo tho a|t|tudo, how
'bout you?'
l ro|| my oyos, awaro that |t's wastod s|nco ho can't
soo |t, but st|||, |t makos mo too| bottor and at tho
momont l'|| tako a|| tho good too||ng l can got.
And spoak|ng ot loman.' lato pausos
dramat|ca||y, though |t's protty obv|ous what's to
to||ow. Whatovor happonod to h|m? 3oon a wh||o
s|nco ho and l |ast caught up. Accord|ng to tho rumor
m|||, you k|||od h|m. 3ut thon, l'vo novor boon ono tor
socondhand |ntormat|on. Whonovor poss|b|o, l ||ko to
go stra|ght to tho sourco. 3o, to|| mo, Evor, |s |t truo?
0|d you do |t? 3ocauso ovon though l don't know you
a|| that wo||, l havo to say, |t's dot|n|to|y got that gr|m
r|ng ot truth. You'vo got |t |n you, that's tor suro. l know
|t tho t|rst t|mo l saw you. lo ottonso, ot courso.'
lono takon.' l scow|, suddon|y too||ng vory
uncomtortab|o w|th tho tact that ho's boh|nd mo, but
do|ng my bost not to |ot on. lt's truo that loman's no
|ongor w|th us,' l say, cont|rm|ng what lato a|roady
knows, though carotu| to g|vo no h|nt ot tho doop
romorso l too| tor that |oss, nor any |nd|cat|on ot who
m|ght bo to b|amo. Vy vo|co grow|ng bo|dor whon l
add, 1urns out ho wasn't so |mmorta| attor a||. 3ut
thon, you a|roady guossod that, d|dn't you?'
1ho broozo qu|ckons, swoop|ng past us, caus|ng
tho a|r to ch||| to an uncomtortab|o dogroo. 3ocom|ng
so co|d my hoart s|nks, know|ng l can't poss|b|y boar
anothor w|ntor aga|n, ospoc|a||y not w|th lato horo.
Unw||||ng to stop |ong onough to rotr|ovo my jackot
trom my backpack, l rub my hands up and down my
arms |n an attompt to warm myso|t. Vy oars pr|ck|ng
w|th |ntorost whon a socond gust rust|os past. On|y th|s
t|mo, |n add|t|on to tho usua| crack||ng ot |oavos and
pattor|ng ot rocks tumb||ng ovor oach othor, |t carr|os
a who|o othor sound-ono that's o|thor an|ma| or
human-l can't bo too suro. A|| l know |s that lato and
l aro no |ongor tho on|y onos horo.
Vy ha|r ||tts, sw|r||ng around mo as l t|ght to gathor
tho strands |n my t|st. lot|c|ng tho way tho tog th|nnod
just onough to a||ow tor a g||mpso ot a d|stant
snowcappod mounta|n, a|ong w|th tho vory top
branchos ot what must bo a vory ta|| troo (poss|b|y tbo
troo?), botoro th|ckon|ng aga|n and b|ott|ng ovoryth|ng
out.
0otorm|nod to koop lato tocusod on mo, hop|ng
ho d|dn't soo what l saw, l turn to h|m and say, 3y tho
way, what oxact|y aro you do|ng horo? 3uro|y th|s |s no
acc|dont? 3o what |s |t you'ro up to? Aro you |n
cahoots w|th V|sa and Varco? Or maybo ovon a
tr|ond ot lotus's by chanco? Or, aro you sor|ous|y
go|ng to try to conv|nco mo that you'ro just out tor a
day h|ko?'
l cock a brow, tak|ng |n what ||tt|o l can soo ot h|m,
h|s ho|ght, h|s wavy mano ot dark ha|r, but tho rost |s
a|| wh|to. 3ut whon ho doosn't answor, whon ho just
movos as though ho m|ght try to jump mo, l roach tor
my t|ash||ght and sh|no |t r|ght |n h|s taco, tho boam
cutt|ng through tho hazo and show|ng mo a|| that l
nood to soo-wh|ch |sn't much ot anyth|ng.
l|ko a|| tho othor roguo |mmorta|s l'vo mot th|s past
yoar, lato roma|ns romarkab|y coo| undor prossuro.
||s taco show|ng no s|gn that ho's ovon start|od by tho
sharp boam ot ||ght now sh|n|ng on h|m. |or somoono
who's just boon caught pos|t|on|ng h|mso|t to bottor
attack mo, ho doosn't |ook ovon tho s||ghtost b|t gu||ty.
lt anyth|ng, ho just |ooks dotorm|nod.
3ut thoro |s somoth|ng o|so.
3omoth|ng that roa||y stands out though l try not to
|ot on.
|o |ooks o|dor.
Way o|dor.
last t|mo l saw h|m ho was just anothor supor-hot,
portoct spoc|mon ot a gorgoous |mmorta|.
3ut now, wh||o ho's st||| roa||y good-|ook|ng, ho's
a|so show|ng somo dot|n|to s|gns ot ag|ng and woar
-tho yoars catch|ng up w|th h|m |n tho torm ot gray|ng
ha|r and tho tan ot wr|nk|os surround|ng h|s oyos. Evon
h|s tooth soom a ||tt|o yo||ow, as opposod to what l'vo
como to th|nk ot as brlgbt ooo sbloy lmmorto| wblto.
And suddon|y l know oxact|y why ho's horo.
lot's cut tho crap, sha|| wo?' ho says, c|os|ng tho
sma|| gap botwoon us |n a handtu| ot soconds.
lo|thor ono ot us |s on a day h|ko. You'ro on lotus's
journoy to tho 1roo ot l|to. |op|ng to got your hands
on tho ono p|oco ot tru|t |t boars ovory ono thousand
yoars.' |o staros at mo, h|s vo|co a portoct match tor
tho g|aro |n h|s gazo. Ono boaut|tu|, portoct p|oco ot
tru|t that |ooks ||ko a cross botwoon a pomogranato
and a poach. Ono amaz|ng p|oco ot produco that
ottors |mmorta||ty to whoovor |s |ucky onough to p|uck
|t, so|zo |t, tasto |t. And, as |t turns out, tho m|||onn|um
|s up. lt's t|mo tor tho harvost. And wh||o l'm suro you
cons|dor yourso|t worthy ot a b|to, l hato to broak |t to
you, Evor, but th|s |s how |t's gonna go down: You'ro
gonna |oad mo to tho troo, and l'|| bo tho ono to c|a|m
|ts bounty.'
l cont|nuo to study h|m, my t|ash||ght mov|ng ovor h|s
taco, wondor|ng |t l shou|d t||| h|m |n on tho truth that
tho tru|t |sn't qu|to what |t's rumorod to bo. 1hat tho
story boh|nd |ts powors was novor |ntondod to bo
takon qu|to so ||tora||y. 1ho troo's tru|t grants w|sdom
and on||ghtonmont to thoso who sook |t-prov|d|ng tho
u|t|mato truth-tho know|odgo that thoy aro tru|y
|mmorta| bo|ngs. |or thoso who'vo ach|ovod phys|ca|
|mmorta||ty, wo||, |t has a rovorsa| ottoct-roturn|ng tho
body and tho sou| back to tho way |t was a|ways
|ntondod to bo.
Wh|ch |s not at a|| tho sort ot |mmorta||ty ho sooks-
though |t's dot|n|to|y tho k|nd that ho noods.
3ut |nstoad l just say, And why wou|d l agroo to do
that?'
3ocauso now that loman |s gono, thanks to yoo l
m|ght add'-ho pausos |ong onough to |ot that s|nk |n
-tho troo |s my on|y hopo |ott. |avon drank what was
|ott ot h|s supp|y, and s|nco ho assumod ho'd ||vo
torovor, ho novor bothorod to sharo tho roc|po. lot to
mont|on how ho ||kod hav|ng contro| ovor us. l|kod |t
a|most as much as tho party ho throw ovory contury
and a ha|t, a|ways on tho summor so|st|co, whoro ho'd
gathor us togothor, whorovor ho was ||v|ng at tho t|mo.
Wo'd swap stor|os, sharo somo good t|mos, and
dr|nk a toast to oach othor, botoro wo sa|d our good-
byos and movod on w|th our ||vos. K|nd ot ||ko a h|gh
schoo| roun|on, but bottor, |t you can |mag|no. lo
socond-rato hoto| ba||room, no nood to |mpross oach
othor w|th bad p|ast|c surgory and |nt|atod job t|t|os
that don't actua||y moan anyth|ng.'
l don't say a word. And l dot|n|to|y don't ovon try to
|mag|no. l just stand thoro and |ot h|m cont|nuo.
|unny th|ng was, ovon though your boytr|ond
0amon novor showod-probab|y bocauso ho was
novor |nv|tod-but st|||, ho was a|ways tho most
popu|ar top|c ot convorsat|on.' lato nods, gazo go|ng
|nward now, as though ho's watch|ng a scono that
p|ays |n h|s hoad. |or yoars ho was ||ko a |ogond to
mo. You shou|d'vo hoard tho stor|os tho orphans a||
to|d. 1ho t|rst among our k|nd, tho ono who turnod s|x
thon d|sappoarod, novor to bo soon or hoard trom
aga|n, or at |oast not |ntont|ona||y. 0o you roa||zo ho
novor ovon onco thought to track thom a|| down and |ot
thom dr|nk aga|n? |o obooooooo thom, Evor-d|d
you know that? |o |ott thom a|| to shr|vo|-to grow o|d
and w|thor-wh||o ho stayod otorna||y young.' |o
shakos h|s hoad and trowns |n a way that oncouragos
a who|o now sot ot ||nos to raco across h|s torohoad.
3orry, but |t |t sounds as though l don't ||ko h|m, wo||,
that's bocauso l don't. 3t|||, that has noth|ng to do w|th
why l can't a||ow you to roach that troo. lt's noth|ng
porsona|, and l hopo you'|| undorstand whon l say that
tho roason you can't got your hands on that tru|t |s
bocauso |t's rosorvod just tor mo.'
l tako a doop broath, d|mm|ng my t|ash||ght a b|t,
roa||z|ng |t's bottor to try to oaso h|s m|nd and put h|m
ott guard, to conv|nco h|m to |owor h|s dotonsos, than
to put h|m on tho dotons|vo |t l'vo any hopo ot
roga|n|ng tho advantago. |u||y awaro that a|| |t wou|d
tako to bo r|d ot h|m |s ono good shovo that sonds h|m
ovor tho odgo. And as tompt|ng as that m|ght bo, l
won't do |t-and l'm protty suro ho won't do |t to mo.
|o noods mo.
On|y l can mako tho journoy.
On|y l can t|nd tho troo.
Wh|ch moans ho noods mo to stay hoa|thy, v|ta|,
and most |mportant|y, |n ono p|oco, |t ho has any
|ntont|on ot my |oad|ng tho way.
3ut what ho doosn't roa||zo |s that l'm moro than
happy to do so, as |ong as l arr|vo t|rst. And whon l do
arr|vo, whon l sca|o that troo and got to tho tru|t, l havo
ovory |ntont|on ot shar|ng |t. l havo ovory |ntont|on ot
g|v|ng h|m, wo||, maybo not tho otorna| ||to that ho
sooks, but corta|n|y tho ono that ho noods.
1ho ono that w||| rovorso tho ottocts ot tho o||x|r,
prov|do truo |mmorta||ty, and sparo h|m trom lotus's
tato.
l |ook at h|m, ||tt|ng my shou|dors casua||y as l say,
lo worr|os.' 3ut |t h|s archod brow and qu|rkod
mouth aro any |nd|cat|on, ho's go|ng to nood a ||tt|o
moro conv|nc|ng. loa||y. lt's not a b|g doa|. |or roa|s.'
|o |ooks mo ovor, h|s gazo narrowod, susp|c|ous,
pract|ca||y sp|tt|ng tho words whon ho says, Oh yoah,
and l'm supposod to bo||ovo that-or roo|s?' |o
scotts and shakos h|s hoad. Okay thon, so to|| mo,
Evor, |t you'ro not |ntorostod |n tho tru|t, thon why ovon
bothor w|th th|s b|oody m|sorab|o trok? |uh, can you
to|| mo that? Why put yourso|t through a|| ot th|s?'
l'm cur|ous.' l shrug. l hoard about tho troo and
thought l'd go soo tor myso|t-d|dn't ovon roa||zo |t
was t|mo tor tho roap|ng 't|| you just sa|d so.' l t||t my
hoad, try to |ook as though l moan |t. 0osp|to your
poor op|n|on ot h|m, 0amon's a|ways boon oxtromo|y
gonorous. |o wou|d'vo g|ad|y sharod h|s o||x|r w|th you
|t you hadn't a|roady p|odgod your a||og|anco to
loman. And anyway, why wou|d l ovon bothor w|th tho
tru|t whon ho g|vos mo a|| tho o||x|r l nood?'
3ocauso tho tru|t |s torovor.' lato's oyos bog|n to
b|azo unt|| thoy rosomb|o two dark t|am|ng p|ts
surroundod by wh|to.
0amon and l aro torovor.' l g|aro, know|ng |n my
hoart that |t's truo ovon though ho's not horo bos|do
mo to provo |t. And, as |t so happons, l ||ko tho o||x|r. l
||ko |t so much l dr|nk |t sovora| t|mos a day. 3o, why
wou|d l want to rop|aco that?'
lato cont|nuos to study mo, h|s m|nd wo|gh|ng,
cons|dor|ng, thon shak|ng h|s hoad ho opons h|s
mouth to spoak, whon somoono o|so s||nks out ot tho
m|st and doc|dos to spoak tor h|m.
3ho's |y|ng.'
lato sp|ns on h|s hoo| so ho can soo what l a|roady
soo, know what l a|roady know.
Varco |s horo.
1hough, as a|ways, V|sa croops up r|ght a|ongs|do
h|m w|th hor oxot|c dark oyos, b|ack sp|ky ha|r, and
mu|t|p|orcod |obos.
Vy ||ght sp|||s ovor thom as l study thom c|oso|y,
try|ng to got a road, dotorm|no |t tho|r show|ng up |s
bad tor mo, bad tor lato, or just bad |n gonora|.
Know|ng on|y two th|ngs tor suro: lo mattor who |t |s
that thoy'ro attor (though |t's probab|y sato to assumo
that |t's mo) tho|r |ntont|ons aron't good. And, just ||ko
lato, thoy show s|gns ot ag|ng.
3ho's attor tho tru|t.' V|sa's oyos dart botwoon
lato and mo. lotus sont hor. Conv|ncod hor to go
t|nd |t just ||ko sho tr|od to conv|nco us a|| thoso yoars
ago. 3ut now tho anc|ont ono sooms to th|nk Evor's
tho on|y who can succood. 3o Varco and l havo boon
tra|||ng hor, wh|ch, l'm guoss|ng, |s what you'ro do|ng
too.'
lato squ|nts but othorw|so doosn't movo, doosn't
g|vo anyth|ng away. 1oo busy assoss|ng tho s|tuat|on,
too on guard to supp|y an answor.
lotus has boon |ook|ng tor somoono to mako th|s
journoy tor contur|os.' V|sa d|rocts hor words r|ght at
mo as Varco sn|ckors a|ongs|do hor. At t|rst wo
thought sho was crazy-wo||, most|y bocauso sho
crazy. 3ut now, w|th loman doad, and w|th |avon
hav|ng drank ovory |ast b|t ot h|s stash, and w|th
0amon bo|ng-wo||, no nood to m|nco words horo |s
thoro?-w|th 0amon bo|ng as so|t|sh as ho |s, wo had
no cho|co but to botr|ond hor, to |oarn moro about th|s
troo, and to t|guro out how to t|nd |t. 3ho got us to
3ummor|and, but that's |t. C|a|mod sho d|dn't know
how to t|nd tho troo, sa|d you'ro tho on|y ono who can,
that |t's your dost|ny, ||ko you'ro somo k|nd ot choson
ono or somoth|ng.' 3ho |ooks at mo, a |ong, scath|ng
g|aro that onds |n an oxaggoratod oyo ro||, want|ng mo
to know just how r|d|cu|ous sho t|nds that. Whatovor.'
3ho shrugs. Wo'ro just horo so you can |oad us to |t,
thon wo'|| tako |t trom thoro.'
Excopt l got horo t|rst.' 1ho throat |n lato's vo|co
r|ngs |oud and c|oar. A sma|| dota|| you'vo soomod to
ovor|ook.'
l watch as thoy tonso, squaro tho|r shou|dors, and
socuro tho|r stancos as though thoy'ro gonna duko |t
out r|ght horo on th|s rood-th|n tra||. 0otond tho|r r|ght
to uso mo to got what thoy want.
0o you hoar yourso|vos?' Vy oyos dart botwoon
thom. 3or|ous|y. You guys aro unbo||ovab|o! And you
ca|| 0amon so|t|sh.' l shako my hoad, not ovon try|ng
to h|do my outrago. 1hough tho truth |s, wh||o my ||ps
koop mov|ng, spow|ng torth a s|ow ot s|m||ar words,
wh||o my toaturos arrango and roarrango to koop up
w|th whatovor |t |s that's bo|ng sa|d, my m|nd |s
somop|aco o|so ont|ro|y. Work|ng tur|ous|y to t|nd a
way out ot th|s moss, know|ng l cou|d'vo takon lato
wh||o ho was st||| on h|s own, but now that |t's up to
throo |mmorta|s vorsus my ono-l'm no |ongor suro.
0osp|to tho tact that thoy can't k||| mo, thoy can st|||
do somo major damago, or, ovon worso, thoy can
stop mo trom gott|ng thoro t|rst.
Wo don't ovon know tor suro |t th|s tru|t ox|sts,' l
say, my oyos dart|ng among thom. 3ut |ot's just say
that |t doos, |ot's just say wo t|nd |t r|ght thoro, wa|t|ng
to bo p|uckod. Why can't wo just sharo |t? Why can't
you oach tako a b|to, thon g|vo mo whatovor's |ott to
tako back to lotus? 1hat way ovoryono w|ns. And no
ono gots hurt.'
3ut |nstoad ot tho rotusa| l oxpoctod, l'm mot w|th
doad s||onco.
A horr|b|o, ||ngor|ng s||onco that's tar worso than
any argumont thoy cou|d ovor wago.
1hoy'ro no |ongor |ntorostod |n mo.
1ho|r attont|on |s c|a|mod by somoth|ng o|so
ont|ro|y.
And l know w|thout |ook|ng what |t |s. l can too| |t |n
tho way tho broozo wh|spors aga|nst tho napo ot my
nock. l can soo |t |n tho suddon g|ow that sh|nos |n
tho|r oyos.
1hoy |t.
1ho troo.
Wh|ch moans thoy no |ongor nood mo.
And though l try to movo, try my bost to t|oo, |t's too
|ato.
1horo aro too many ot thom, too ||tt|o ot mo. And |t
sooms, or at |oast |n th|s caso anyway, thoy'vo choson
to work togothor. Choson to co||aborato.
V|sa and Varco grab ho|d ot my arms as lato
s||nks boh|nd mo. ||s chook prossod c|oso to m|no,
h|s ||ps ch|||od, push|ng |nto my t|osh whon ho says,
lomombor whon l to|d you oar||or that l |ost my
toot|ng and to|| doop |nto tho canyon?'
l swa||ow hard, stoady myso|t, know a|| too wo||
what's com|ng noxt.
As |t turns out, l ||od.' |o gr|ns, l can too| h|s ||ps
||tt|ng and cur||ng aga|nst mo. |ad l boon un|ucky
onough to ta||, l novor wou|d'vo mado |t back up. You
soo, Evor, |t's a shoor drop. A shoor drop that
ottors no outcropp|ngs ot rock-noth|ng tor ono to
grab onto |n ordor to stop. 3ut thon, l shou|d probab|y
|ot you soo tor yourso|t. l moan, no nood to wrock tho
surpr|so w|th a bunch ot spo||ors, r|ght?'
l t|ght.
l k|ck.
l scratch, and b|to, and c|aw, and scroam, and
thrash, and strugg|o w|th a|| ot my |mmorta| m|ght.
3ut dosp|to tho tact that l can bo sat|st|od |n
know|ng l d|d a good b|t ot damago to oach ot thom,
|n tho ond, |t's not onough.
l can't boat thom.
l'm no match.
And tho noxt th|ng l know lato's push|ng mo at tho
oxact momont V|sa and Varco |ot go.
3ond|ng mo t|y|ng.
3oar|ng.
|urt||ng stra|ght ovor tho odgo and doop |nto a
bottom|oss canyon.
thirty-ono
1ust ||ko a droam whoro you t|nd yourso|t ta|||ng and
can't soom to stop bocauso thoro's noth|ng to grab
onto and you'vo |ost a|| contro| ot your body-that's
oxact|y what th|s |s ||ko.
Excopt tor tho tact that usua||y whon l t|nd myso|t
caught |n ono ot thoso droams, my body ovontua||y
jorks mo awako botoro any gravo d|sastor can tako
p|aco.
3ut th|s t|mo, l'm a|roady awako. And trom what l
can to||, tho d|sastor |s now, and |t's about to got
worso.
Vy ha|r ||tts, wav|ng h|gh abovo my hoad, as my
|ogs tur|ous|y k|ck, attompt|ng to tompor tho paco, ha|t
my spood, s|ow myso|t down, but |t's no uso. 1ho ottort
|s as uso|oss as my arms, wh|ch cont|nuo to t|a|| a||
around, soarch|ng tor somoth|ng to hang onto, but
succood|ng on|y |n prov|ng lato r|ght.
1horo |s noth|ng to savo mo.
loth|ng to stop mo.
1ho c||tt |s a shoor so||d drop |nto tho vo|d.
1ho |owor l go, tho darkor |t bocomos unt|| l can no
|ongor soo |n tront ot mo-can no |ongor soo bo|ow
mo-can no |ongor soo whoro l'm go|ng.
A|| l know |s that tho ta|| sooms to qu|ckon, p|ck|ng
up spood, as l raco toward an ond that may not ox|st.
1ho awtu| truth ot my ox|stonco, tho abso|uto |rony ot |t,
|s that |t l can't t|nd a way to stop th|s-thon th|s |s how
l'|| spond my otorn|ty.
l can't d|o-my chakras aro so strong thoy won't |ot
mo.
And any |njur|os susta|nod won't hoa|-th|s part ot
3ummor|and won't a||ow tor that sort ot th|ng.
1wo horr|b|o thoughts l t|nd too ovorwho|m|ng to
contomp|ato.
3o l don't.
l chooso to tocus my m|nd o|sowhoro |nstoad.
3|tt|ng through tho |ong ||st ot th|ngs l'vo |oarnod th|s
past yoar-go|ng a|| tho way back to tho day whon l
t|rst d|od |n tho car acc|dont that c|a|mod my who|o
tam||y-to th|s novor-ond|ng crov|co whoro l t|nd
myso|t now. lomombor|ng what lotus sa|d about
know|odgo com|ng whon wo'ro most |n nood ot |t, and
hop|ng my accumu|atod know|odgo w||| ho|p mo t|nd a
way out.
lorglvoooss ls boo|log-ovorytblog ls ooorgy-
tboogbts crooto-wo oro o|| cooooctoo-wbot yoo
roslst porslsts-troo |ovo oovor olos-tbo soo|`s
lmmorto|lty ls tbo oo|y troo lmmorto|lty-
lopoat|ng tho words aga|n and aga|n, unt|| |t
bocomos ||ko a mantra, unt|| tho words bog|n to tako
shapo, bog|n to tako ho|d.
Unt|| my broath bog|ns to stoady, my body bog|ns to
st|||, and my hoart |s ab|o to un|oad th|s burdon ot toar.
lorglvoooss ls boo|log-l sond a s||ont thought ot
torg|vonoss to V|sa, Varco, and lato tor bo|ng so
m|sgu|dod and untrust|ng thoy wou|dn't ovon try
anothor way.
bot yoo roslst porslsts-l stop ros|st|ng tho tact
that l'm ta|||ng, and start concontrat|ng on a so|ut|on
|nstoad.
7boogbts crooto-Evon whon |nstant man|tostat|on
won't work, our thoughts aro st||| croat|ng on our
boha|t.
l troo my backpack trom ono shou|dor, s||do |t
around to my tront, yank tho z|ppor down, and p|ungo
my hand |ns|do. Vak|ng suro l'vo got a good gr|p on
tho ||ght jackot l man|tostod oar||or-tho ono that got
mo through an oxcoss ot ropot|t|vo soasons by
sh|o|d|ng mo trom hoat, ra|n, w|nd, and snow-botoro
l drop tho bag, ||ston|ng as |t wh|zzos down bo|ow. l
grasp tho jackot by o|thor s|oovo and ||tt my arms up
h|gh ovor my hoad, cutt|ng tho w|nd a|ong w|th my
trajoctory, wh||o thrust|ng my body toward what l can
on|y hopo |s tho s|do ot tho c||tt. Know|ng l'vo
succoodod whon l'm |ott momontar||y stunnod by tho
suddon |mpact ot my body bash|ng |nto a bod ot
sharp rocks. Vy t|osh cutt|ng, scrap|ng, as tho jaggod
odgos sorrato my c|othos, grat|ng sma|| chunks ot mo,
as my body cont|nuos to ta||.
Vy oyos soar w|th agony, as my tooth gnash trom
tho oxcruc|at|ng pa|n ot bo|ng t|ayod. Assur|ng myso|t
that |t |t won't hoa| now, |t ovontua||y w|||. 1ust as soon
as l can |ocato an outcropp|ng ot rock, somoth|ng
tang|b|o to hang onto, somoth|ng to stop th|s
downward doscont. 1ust as soon as l can got to tho
tru|t and mako my way back to a bottor part ot
3ummor|and.
Vy body a toboggan ot b|ood, t|osh, and bono that
cont|nuos to caroon down tho c||tt, and just as l'm suro
l can't tako anothor socond, somoth|ng catchos-
somoth|ng that juts hard aga|nst my toot, stabs mo |n
tho knoo, and pummo|s mo so hard |n tho gut |t robs
mo ot broath botoro punctur|ng mo r|ght |n tho baso ot
my nock whoro at tho vory |ast momont, l roach up,
grab aho|d ot |t, stop |t trom romov|ng my hoad.
Know|ng |t's my ono and on|y chanco-know|ng l
can't poss|b|y ho|d on to both my makosh|tt parachuto
and th|s strango outcropp|ng ot sorts-l c|oso my oyos
and |ot go.
Vy jackot |nstant|y c|a|mod by tho a|rstroam as my
hands grasp |n tho dark, putt|ng a|| ot my ta|th |n th|s
odd and po|nty protrus|on l can't ovon soo.
Vy t|ngors c|rc||ng, cur||ng around |t |n a doath gr|p,
my pa|ms scrapod raggod and raw as my wo|ght
rappo|s mo down tho |ongth ot |t.
0own.
0own tarthor st|||.
0own so tar and so tast l can on|y pray |t'|| ond
soon. Know|ng that |t l |oso my gr|p l'|| bo r|ght back
whoro l startod-troo-ta|||ng through b|ack, ompty
spaco, on|y th|s t|mo w|thout my bag, w|thout any too|s
to ho|p mo. 0o|ng a|| that l can to c|oar such thoughts
trom my m|nd, my body jumps to a stop and l t|nd
myso|t dang||ng trom th|s strango th|ng's ond.
Caught |n m|da|r, my |ogs t|a|||ng craz||y bonoath
mo, l gr|p t|ghtor, ropos|t|on myso|t, us|ng my raw and
sk|nnod knoos a|ong w|th th|s unknown tblog, to pu||
myso|t up.
At t|rst l go s|ow|y. vory, vory s|ow|y. lom|nd|ng mo
ot tho t|mo l had to c||mb up a ropo |n my troshman-
yoar gym c|ass. 3ack whon l was just anothor morta|.
3ack whon, othor than bo|ng a choor|oador, l had no
ath|ot|c prowoss to spoak ot. Evory |nch too||ng ||ko a
|osson |n ovorcom|ng unboarab|o pa|n |n ordor to put
my ta|th |n somoth|ng l can't ovon soo. Vy progross
moasurod |n |nchos, not toot, ovontua||y croop|ng
c|oso onough to tho summ|t that l'm rowardod w|th a
t|ny spot ot ||ght-just onough to rovoa| oxact|y what |t
|s that has savod mo.
lt's a root.
A |ong and sp|nd|y troo root.
A |ong and sp|nd|y troo root that bo|ongs to tbo troo
-tho ono l'vo boon soarch|ng tor. l know |t
|nst|nct|vo|y.
1ho 1roo ot l|to has savod mo.