PREFACE

After the last floral tribute has wilted and well-meaning out-of- town
relatives and friends depart, you will wake up to the first day of the rest of
your life. Your bed will seem more massive than ever…because your mate
will never be beside you again. The home you happily shared will be eerily
quiet, missing are the comforting sounds of a coffee maker perking in the
kitchen. The jolly, effervescent morning announcer on your alarm radio
seems to be terribly out of character. As you adjust your eyes and mind to
the new dawn’s light, it will slowly become apparent that you are now a
single. And with this realization, rolls in an uncomfortable feeling of being
very LOST! “Lost,” the first word of this book's title.

You are now (and it is certainly not voluntary) on your own to cope with the
future without the love and companionship of your loving mate. Your com-
fortable social order has all but vanished, and forthcoming days will be very
strange and empty. You will be searching for answers to rebuild your life,
pragmatic answers to the simple tasks you often took for granted as a couple.
FOUND, how others have coped, is the most important mission of this book.

This book is not intended to be another tome on grieving. Our libraries and
bookstores are filled with well-written works on this sensitive subject. How-
ever, few works have ever been published containing practical methods to
help guide new widows and widowers through new life altering
challenges…moving, finances, dating, role of adult children, changing sexu-
ality, living together and remarriage.

Dr. Patricia Burkett, a clinical psychologist, shares her professional knowl-

edge and the path others have taken to remake their lives after the loss of a
mate. I, left alone after a blissful marriage of 41 years, also share my feel-
ings as a widower. Together we have combined our experiences to provide
some straight talk to help you rebuild your life.

Patricia Burkett, Psy.D

Robert W. Swanson, widower

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 Table of Contents

1. Getting Started 1
2. Self Assessment 5
3. Work in Progress 11
4. Your Financial World 14
5. Single's Universe 27
6. Internet Dating 35
7. Secret Orders for Widowers 41
8. First Dates 49
9. To Win a Widower 52
10. Attitudes of Adult Children 58
11. Your Health 64
12. To Move or Not to Move 69
13. Closet of Memories 76
14. Living Together 80
15. Spirituality 84
16. Looking Ahead 87

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 Chapter 2
Self Assessment
"It was not raining when Noah built the ark."
- Howard Ruff

Self-assessment? How does that relate to a new widow or widow-

er’s adjustment to a drastically altered life? For me (as a new wid-
ower) “self assessment” was an exercise in determining “where” I
was emotionally in the first months following my wife’s death. I
had the good sense to pass up the dead-end temptation of just
pulling the covers over my head and letting the world pass by. But
I must confess that for many months I half expected Elizabeth to
walk through the door. Of course, it never happened.

At 77 years old, I elected to try and reshape my life without the

love and companionship of my beloved Elizabeth. To climb this
mountain, I needed to establish a starting point. How could I plan
a path ahead without some sort of locator bearings? Is there a
“GPS” that would pin point my current emotional location? Of
course not. My challenge was not electronic. To get a handle on
my “north from south” required a frank, self-assessment of where I
was emotionally…. right now! I knew I was LOST... and to make
any progress I had to concentrate on the FOUND aspects of the
future. First step on this journey was to take stock and analyze my
available assets. By taking this approach, I began to develop a
positive attitude to jump-start the rebuilding of my being. If you
are completely and totally confused about your present emotional

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bearings, don’t fret. You have lots of company. Practically
everyone losing a mate initially struggles to adjust to what seems
to be a haphazard, useless existence.

Empty days seem to endlessly blend into more empty days, and the
difficulties of adjustment span a wide range of human emotions.
Frank (a reader of my first book Lost & Found, A Survival Guide
for Widowers) wrote to me indicating that the most difficult thing
for him was coming to grips with the finality of his wife's death.
In his words:

I was no longer bringing her back from the hospital or waiting

in doctor's offices. This was forever. I would never see her
again, at least not in this life. This was difficult to accept...the
reality of it. I knew, intellectually, that I had to accept it if I
was to get on with my life. It took me awhile, but I did so.

If you feel you are walking on a treadmill of emptiness, it might

be time to do a personal “self-assessment.” Take a moment to
“warm up” your imaginary GPS and dial away your negatives and
plug in your positives. You may find (like I did) that you have
more positives than you realize. Here’s a quick checklist.

 personal support system

 personal finances
 housing
 health
 future

We will look at each of these topics in depth in forthcoming

chapters in this book.

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 Chapter 10
Attitudes of Adult Children

This brings us to a very delicate and often misunderstood family

concern. For your children, their beloved father or mother is gone
from their lives forever! All of us who are widows and widowers
should always remember that our children’s grieving is often very
different than ours. Yes, it is also deep, long lasting and painful.
However, in most cases, adult children also have a family of their
own to cushion their loss. You, on the other hand, as the surviving
parent, are now alone. Your companion and best friend is gone,
leaving you a “single.” Single! That appellation will sound and
feel very uncomfortable, for a long time to come.

Vulnerability

What are the major emotional concerns of your children at this

point? Your vulnerability no doubt tops the list. Naturally, your
children want you to overcome your grief and move on with your
life…..with some serious caveats. Rewind time for a moment.
Remember (as a concerned parent) how you looked a young boy
“up and down” before he took your precious daughter out into the
night? Or that cute girl that your son brought home to meet the
family? Often the first of many! Heaven forbid this might be his
future wife! Or your deep caring for the one that got away?

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You, as protective parents, always felt your children were
vulnerable until adulthood and even beyond; fearing they might
become easy prey to forces beyond your control. These uneasy
moments of yesteryear are now being played in real-time in your
children's minds. This brings us to the centerpiece of this chapter.

Mother or Dad is dating!

Now, your supposed vulnerability comes into sharp focus. Well-

meaning children will now have concerns, real or imagined, about
YOU! Concerns might range from:

“Daddy, please remember mother’s been gone only a few

months!”

“Mother, shouldn’t you wait a year before seeing anyone?”

“She seems very nice but isn’t she a bit young?”

“He’s been married how many times?”

“Did she or the husband cause the divorce?”

“She has how many children?”

“Do you know anything about her finances…does she work?

And the well-meaning inquisition goes merrily on.

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 Chapter 12
TO MOVE OR NOT TO MOVE
"Go and never darken my towels again."
- Groucho Marx

A major distress for anyone after the passing of a mate is, “should
I sell our home and move on?” In this chapter, we will analyze
several of the key factors associated with relocation after losing a
mate. First thought is where to go?

Closer to my kids?
A smaller place?
Move in with children?

We will assume you are in good health and have the income to
remain in your present home, apartment, or condo and bypass the
problems of selling and buying your domicile, as real estate
markets are cyclical. However, through it all, there might be an
emotional nagging and persistent urge to “move on.” A very
understandable emotion. However, if you are steadfastly
considering “moving on,” it is wise to stand back a moment and

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