So You Want To Date My Daughter When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected

me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect my good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. Rule ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. Rule TWO: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule THREE: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. Rule FOUR: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. Rule FIVE: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule SIX: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry. Rule SEVEN: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule EIGHT: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point pen might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative. One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Amazing Texan A friend of mine who is traveling chemicals salesman visited a small town in the East Texas and saw circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan." Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket! Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. You're incredible," he tells the Texan. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" Well, says the Texan: "My eyes aren't what they used to be." NEW WORDS After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant, he went to his mother. "Mom, what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. He then asked "What's a bitch?" Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog. Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a pussy?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area between a woman's legs. Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied, "Everything outside of the circle."

Good Lesson Little Jimmy sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Jimmy finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother. Mommy "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her skirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Jimmy, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Jimmy to tell his story. Jimmy starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and Jimmy said, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane... started doing that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army." Some times you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!!!

Smart Drunk A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Breasts."

Moose Hunters Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off." "That's baloney", says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees. "You're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take off!" "Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!" The pilot got angry and said, "Well, shoot. If he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush. Still alive but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it and said, "Where are we?" One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said "I'd say...about a hundred yards further than last year...

SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD A BAD FIRST DATE Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother. You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her. She has a thicker moustache than you. When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions. You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole. Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system. You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass. You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin. At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic. She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut. You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno. At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house and her pimp is waiting there with your bill. You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh. She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan. She is better hung than you. She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.

Mummy, Daddy is Dumb Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says... "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says... "the bigger they are, the dumber they are." He goes back to play on the beach...... Several minutes later he comes running back and says... "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says... "the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says... "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"

Clinton's Panties President Clinton was walking around the White House with a pair of lady's panties on his arm. Everyone was looking at him and wondering what he was up to. After about an hour one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with lady's panties on his arm, and Clinton replied: "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit."

Cowboy's Guide to Life DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON: A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

Memory Test Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

Intercom A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?" "What! Are you crazy!" "Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend. "No! Someone might see us..." "It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it." "No! I said no!" "Hun...don't be like that." Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

Computers Must Be Female 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2 Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3 The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 4 The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". 5 As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Women Drivers Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all of the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned "Big Jim and the Twins", ruined the damned phone.....and disconnected an important call. DAMNED WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!

Signs That You Are Too Drunk 1 You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3 Job interfering with your drinking. 4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5 Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts. 6 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! 9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! 10 You can focus better with one eye closed. 11 The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. 12 Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. 13 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 14 Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you 15 At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." 16 Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 17 You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm. 18 The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... Only 25 More! A man in his 40s goes in for a physical. The doctor says "I have good news and I have bad news." The man says, "Give me the bad news first." Doc says, "There is a problem with your penis, you can only get a few more erections, and then you wont have any more for the rest of your life." The man says, "What in the world is the good news?" Doc says, "We know the number is exactly 25, so you can plan your use of them accordingly." The man leaves and drives around for a couple hours pondering his situation, and how to confront his wife. When he gets home he tells her, "Honey, I have good news, and I have bad news." She says, "Give me the good news." He says, "I can only have 25 more erections, and then I cant have any more, ever." She says, "We can work around that, we will just make a list and only use them when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill our desires, and make the most out of each one, what in the world is the bad news?" He says, "I made a list, and you arent on it.."

Reasons it's great to be a guy: 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. 4. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 5. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 6. You can open all your own jars.

7. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. 8. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 9. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. 10. All your orgasms are real. 11. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 12. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 13. Your last name stays put.

READING MY JUNK E-MAIL 1. Everything is absolutely free, I only pay shipping & handling. 2. I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here. 3. Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting to perform any sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets, or my farm animals) if I just click there. 4. I can have my penis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup sizes, my age reversed by 20 to 30 years. Just click here. 5. I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click here. 6. I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other..virgins lose their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do it with a hundred horny dwarfs...just click here and here. 7. I can purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore my hair loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the same sex if preferred)..what else? click over yonder. 8. But wait..there's more...legal marijuana, sleeping pills, stay-awake pills, lose weight pills, gain weight pills....a set of Ginzu knives...all by just clicking and clicking.

Bumper Stickers for Women BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY! GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE

Ways to Reject Pickup Lines Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic." ===== Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" ===== Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there." ===== Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you." ===== Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too. ===== Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator. ===== Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!" ===== A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet." ===== Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistaken!" ===== "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." ===== Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Nuns vs Dracula Two nuns, Sister Carolyn and Sister Hanna, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Carolyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Hanna. Sister Carolyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Hanna. Sister Carolyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Carolyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Hanna. "Now you're talking," says Sister Carolyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

Lawyer and a Blonde A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long Flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over and asks her if she would like to play a game to make the time go by faster. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa." Again she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" figuring that since she's a blonde (and assuming all the stories are true) that he will easily win. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's her turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? " The lawyer gives her a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the internet and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he e-mails all his coworkers and friends, all to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde graciously takes the $50 and turns away to resume her nap. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes her up again and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?!" Without a word, she reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Men's Disclaimer GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN UPON A COPY OF THIS: When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during time-outs and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response. When I say thank you after a blow job a simple "you're welcome" will suffice. I am not interested in kissing you. If I am doing anything that involves directions, tools, or sharp objects do not interrupt me and never offer to help. When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it. Don't be upset that I didn't think the romantic movie was warm and fuzzy. I wasn't paying attention to the dialog, just the naked body parts and the sex scenes. Do not ask me to do household chores in front of my friends. Even if I do not have to do them until some time in the future. And don't be negative when you give me more than one to do. I am proud of the fact that I did one and can easily ignore the other nine. If you need help with the laundry I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch. The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location. If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it. If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault. Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing. There is no such thing as too many CDs. When I say she has a great set of tits or ass I am not thinking to myself "...as compared to yours...," so there is no point in starting an argument over it. I don't start with you over Brad Pitt or one of those other empty headed losers. Buying tools is a God-given right. It does not matter if we need them or not. The same holds true for sporting goods. I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look. Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready. Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV. If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own. Please do not distract me when I am reading in the bathroom. It only causes me to lose my place, have to re-read the section, and further extends my time in there. Assume when we are in the video store that I am not interested in a romantic comedy. This will greatly expedite our time there. Alcohol is one of the four food groups and as such should be consumed daily. No good can ever come from discussing past relationships. I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ. Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you. PMS really stands for Powerless, Male, and Stupid. Fortunately this is only a temporary condition which I suffer one week out of every month.

Observations Of Life 1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content. 3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast. 6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here. 8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. 12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. 14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message! 15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. 17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. 18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom. 21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? 22. Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles! 23. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 24. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 25. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!

Price of Gas You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive? Makes one think, and puts things in perspective. Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ......... $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19.........$ 9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ................$10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10 .00 per gallon Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ............ $33.60 per gallon Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ........... $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .......... $123.20 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ............... $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ................... $84.48 per gallon and this is the REAL KICKER...... Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ........ $21.19 per gallon. $21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source.

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or Heaven forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!! Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...........!

Sexual Advice For Women Sexual Advice For Women (As written By A Man) Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact. Q: Should I have sex on the first date? A: YES. Before if possible. Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway. Q: How long should the sex act last? A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Q: What is "afterplay?" A: After a man has finished making love, he needs

to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift. Q: Does the size of the penis matter? A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift. Q: What about the female orgasm? A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

How to Bathe A Cat 1. Thoroughly clean toilet. 2. Lift both lids and add shampoo. 3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom. 4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape. 5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this.) 6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. 7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids. 8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Sincerely, The Dog