You are on page 1of 10

CABIN PRESSURE 1x02 BOSTON CAROLYN: Your seatbelt fastens like this. And unfastens like this.

An invaluable lesson there for any of you who have never been in a car. In the very unlikely event of an emergency landing, your inflatable safety jacket is under your seat, and that is precisely where I recommend it stay, given that the largest body of water between here and Luton is a open-air swimming pool in Daventry. Finally, please keep your mobile phones switched off for the duration of the flight. Obviously, they have no effect whatsoever on our navigational equipment or we wouldnt let you have them, but they drive me up the wall. Thank you, and enjoy your flight. -----[Opening Credits] This week: Boston! -----MARTIN: Fitton approach. This is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India, climbing to six thousand feet, left turn, direct Luton. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Okey dokey, have fun. MARTIN: Carl. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Roger, Golf Tango India. MARTIN: Thank you. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Youre welcome. Dont fly into anything I wouldnt fly into. DOUGLAS: Post take-off checks complete. MARTIN: Thank you, Douglas. Could you balance the fuel please? [Silence] MARTIN: Douglas, the fuel. DOUGLAS: Sorry, Captain, cant help you. MARTIN: [sighs] Simon says, could you balance the fuel? DOUGLAS: By all means. You know, you can give up anytime you like. Its been six trips. MARTIN: No, I can get you. Besides, I want another go. I know I can do better than last time. DOUGLAS: What, even better than, Shall we play Simon Says, Martin? Okay, Ill go first, Douglas. Tell me when youre ready, Martin. Im ready, Douglas ugh. I dont know, Martin, youve set the bar punishingly high. [Door opens] CAROLYN: Ah, gentlemen. MARTIN: Oh, dear. CAROLYN: What? MARTIN: Its always trouble when were gentlemen. I prefer it when were imbeciles. DOUGLAS: Or dolts. MARTIN: Dolts is good, yes. CAROLYN: No, this is good news. I have another job for you. MARTIN: Weve already got another job this week. CAROLYN: Indeed you have. So stand by for another nother job. The fine people at Algonquin Charter Air have excellently grounded a Gulfstream at Luton, which leaves them with a whole parcel of cross Americans who arent in America, but would like to be. And guess whos making their dream come true? Our very own selves. MARTIN: We cant do it. CAROLYN: We can do it, we will do it, and we are doing it. Does that answer your question? MARTIN: It wasnt a question, Carolyn. It was a statement. The Istanbul trip is Thursday night. CAROLYN: I know. We get back Thursday morning. MARTIN: But we have to have twelve hours rest between trips. CAROLYN: I know. Because you are lazy, lazy pilots. So, we get to Boston Wednesday morning, twelve hours break. Fly home Wednesday evening, arrive Thursday morning, twelve hours break. Off to Istanbul. Perfect. MARTIN: But Ive got my easyJet interview on Wednesday afternoon.

DOUGLAS: Ah well, easyJet, easy go. CAROLYN: You can still do that. I dont care what you do in your twelve hours. You can sleep or try to sneak away from my company like a sniveling rat. Its all the same to me. MARTIN: Douglas, help me out here. DOUGLAS: Aw, nice try. MARTIN: Damn! CAROLYN: Please tell me youre not still playing Simon Says. DOUGLAS: Im afraid I cant do that for two reasons. -----[Passengers murmuring] ARTHUR: Good evening, sir. Welcome aboard today. Good evening, madam. Welcome also to you today onboard. Good evening, sir. Welcome to being onboard to you today. Oh, er, sir? Excuse me? PASSENGER: Yeah? What? ARTHUR: May I inform yourself that MJN does run a fully comprehensive non-smoking service, and as such result of this, all cigarettes, cigars, and cigarillos must be extinguished upon embarkation and retained in a state of extinguishment until termination of disembarkation. Thank yourself for your cooperation. PASSENGER: Im not cooperating. ARTHUR: [pause] No, not yet. But Im sure youre going to in a minute. And then thank you. PASSENGER: Do you know how much I paid to be on this flight today? ARTHUR: Oh, I bet it was loads. PASSENGER: Yeah, good guess, it was loads. It was so much that it seems to me that uh [inhales] I can pretty much smoke where I like, okay? ARTHUR: But it its very dangerous to smoke on an aeroplane. PASSENGER: No, its not. ARTHUR: [pause] I dont know what to say now. PASSENGER: How old are you, sonny? ARTHUR: Twenty-eight-and-a-half. PASSENGER: Well, I was smoking on airplanes for twenty years before you were born. Why do you think the No Smoking signs go on and off? ARTHUR: Actually, ours dont mostly. Although one of them flickers. And theres one we cant turn on at all because it makes the cabin smell of fish. PASSENGER: Well, that sure gives me confidence. So, uh, [inhales] were all done here, right? ARTHUR: Yep. PASSENGER: And I can smoke. ARTHUR: Er CAROLYN: Hello. Welcome on board. Its my pleasure to serve you today. Please do let me know or a member of my team know if we can help you at any time, such as, for instance, by extinguishing that cigarette for you. [Cigarette fizzles] PASSENGER: Hey! CAROLYN: Oh, dear. Arthur, get this gentlemen a fresh glass of wine please. This one seems to be a bit [chuckles] cigarette-y. Thank you so very much and please do enjoy the rest of your flight. -----[On the flight deck] MARTIN: Douglas, could you give me the fuel check at the last way point? [Silence] MARTIN: Simon says, give me the fuel check at the last way point. DOUGLAS: Certainly. Ten minutes early and seven hundred kilos up on flight plan. MARTIN: Nearly got you though, didnt I? DOUGLAS: No. [Alarm beeps] DOUGLAS: Ah, here we go again. Lets see what vital parts fallen off the old girl this time. Ah!

MARTIN: What is it? DOUGLAS: Shall I tell you an interesting thing about this thin metal tube full of petrol were flying hundreds of miles above the Atlantic Ocean? MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Its on fire. MARTIN: Douglas. DOUGLAS: Master caution fire, Captain. Smoke detector, passenger loo. MARTIN: Ah. [ding] Carolyn, weve got a CAROLYN: Yes, I know, I know. Keep your goggles on. Its just stroppy Mr. Lehman in 3B. Hang on. -----[CAROLYN knocks on the door of the loo] PASSENGER: Its taken! CAROLYN: Sir, please extinguish your cigarette, take the paper cup off the smoke alarm, make a mental note that that trick never works, and return to your seat. PASSENGER: Nope! -----[Door opens] CAROLYN: Martin, give Douglas your hat. [Pause] CAROLYN: Do it. MARTIN: You didnt say Simon says. CAROLYN: I am not playing your game. The man in the loo refuses to come out, so give Douglas your hat. MARTIN: Im sure to you those two sentences follow another naturally, but I dont quite see the logi CAROLYN: I dont need you to see. I need you to give Douglas your hat. MARTIN: I dont want to give him my hat. DOUGLAS: If it helps, I dont want to take his hat. CAROLYN: Oh, for goodness sakes! Why dont people just blindly obey anymore? He needs your hat because I want the captain to go down there and strike terror into his heart. MARTIN: But Im the captain! CAROLYN: I am only too painfully aware that you are the captain, Martin. But Douglas actually looks and sounds like a captain. Youre not going to strike terror into anyones heart. Unless you chat them up in a bar. MARTIN: Right. Well, lets just see about that, shall we? -----MARTIN: Mr. Lehman? MR. LEHMAN: Yuuup? MARTIN: I notice youre no longer in the toilet cubicle, sir. MR. LEHMAN: Aw, I bet the guys call you Captain Hawkeye! MARTIN: Are you aware that ten minutes ago I was on the point of aborting the flight? MR. LEHMAN: Oh, I wouldnt do that if I were you. Looks wet down there. MARTIN: Because, sir, I was under the impression that the aircraft was on fire. MR. LEHMAN: No, it was just me [inhales] smokin. MARTIN: Yes, I know. MR. LEHMAN: Right, so you werent on the point of aborting anything now, were you? MARTIN: Sir, as the commander of this vessel, I must demand MR. LEHMAN: Okay, thats about enough. What are you gonna do, Commander? Have me arrested? No. And Ill tell you why not. Because your tin pot, little one-airplane outfit needs me and my business about a zillion times more than I need you. You think you can scare me by marching down here in your Fisher Price, when-I-grow-up-I-want-to-be-a-pilot costume? Give me a break! Youre not the commander of anything! Youre a little guy who cant get a game with the big boys and wears a uniform like a rear admirals to make up for the fact that hes basically just a flying cabbie! Am I right? MARTIN: NO! No! Youre not right! Youre a very rude man! You cant speak to me like that. Im the

captain! MR. LEHMAN: Okay, Captain. You run along now and uh [inhales] try not to cry into any important equipment. MARTIN: [tearfully] Im not crying! Your smoke got in my eyes. -----[Door opens] DOUGLAS: How did it go? MARTIN: Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! ...Arthur? DOUGLAS: Well, anything you say five times is obviously true. ARTHUR: Yes, Skipper? MARTIN: Right, right. Arthur, did you see me inform Mr. Lehman about our non-smoking policy? ARTHUR: Er. Well, I wasnt I wasnt really looking. I mean I certainly didnt notice if he made you cry. Or not. I mean, he probably didnt. MARTIN: I was not crying. His smoke got in my eyes. DOUGLAS: [singing] Smoke gets in your eyes MARTIN: Shut up, Douglas! Now, Arthur, weve already had one fire scare on this trip; we cant afford to take chances, and since we know that Mr. Lehman has been fully informed of the policy and therefore certainly wont be smoking in the loo again ARTHUR: Actually, I think he might. MARTIN: No, Arthur, he wont. ARTHUR: Mm. The thing is though, Skip, with all due respect, but what Ive got that you havent is that Mum sent me on a course on understanding people in Ipswich. MARTIN: And if I ever want the people of Ipswich understood, youll be the first person I call. Meanwhile ARTHUR: Yeah, yeah, but it means I can now read people. You know? Like a book. DOUGLAS: Have you ever read a book, Arthur? ARTHUR: Yes, actually! White Fang! Twice! Anyway, bringing my people reading skills to the table, Im able to reveal to you now that Mr. Lehman didnt show any of the five indicators of true resolve to change his behavior patterns, and therefore, in a nutshell, I reckon he might smoke in the loo again. MARTIN: Listen carefully, Arthur, he definitely wont. And therefore, if the smoke alarm does go off again, it can only be a real fire. And so Im authorizing you, in that unlikely event, not to waste time knocking, just to override the door lock and immediately discharge the fire extinguisher into any flame you see. ARTHUR: Ahhh, any flame I see. MARTIN: Thats right. Even if its just a little tiny, glow-y one. ARTHUR: Aye, aye, Skipper. -----ARTHUR: [whispers] Okay, hes up. [MR. LEHMAN humming] ARTHUR: Hes on the move. [Door opens and closes as MR. LEHMAN enters loo] ARTHUR: Okay, hes in. MARTIN: Okay, Arthur, standby. ARTHUR: Okay. MARTIN: Standby. [Alarm beeps] MARTIN: [very fake] Oh, no! Emergency! Emergency! The plane is on fire! Arthur, for the love of God, save us all! ARTHUR: Yes, Skipper! [Door opens] MR. LEHMAN: Hey! What the ARTHUR: Fiiire! MR. LEHMAN: Wha Ahhh! Oh dahhh! Oh! Oh, God, oh, my chest, oh, ahh

[Thud heard as MR. LEHMAN collapses] ARTHUR: Fires out. -----[Bing-bong] MARTIN: Good evening. This is Captain Crieff speaking. Im sorry to have to tell you, a passenger has been taken ill, so if there is anyone with medical training on board, could they please come to the flight deck door. Thank you. [Door opens] DOUGLAS: Okay, weve moved him to the galley. MARTIN: Hows he looking? DOUGLAS: Well, hes covered in foam and hes had a heart attack. Otherwise, great. MARTIN: [sighs] I I was just thinking, maybe we ought to turn the plane round. DOUGLAS: Well, yes, of course, we should! Havent you done it yet? MARTIN: Oh, right, right, because on the other hand, obviously, Carolyns not going to like it much. DOUGLAS: Martin, thats irrelevant. Its a serious medical emergency. You ditch into the nearest airfield, and were what twenty minutes off midway, so forty minutes closer to home. Theres no question we have to turn round is the decision I imagine you have come to, Captain. MARTIN: Yes, it is, exactly. [Beeps] MARTIN: Shanwick, this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India. We have a serious passenger medical emergency and wish to return as soon as possible. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Roger, Golf Tango India. Standby. Ill coordinate. MARTIN: Okay. Carolyn will understand, wont she? I mean, a lifes at stake. Im sure I saw a doctor on the load sheet. Here we are! 7A. Dr. Thomas Price. Where is he? DOUGLAS: Lying low, I should think. MARTIN: What? Why? DOUGLAS: Too scared of being sued. MARTIN: Youre joking. DOUGLAS: No. Especially going to America. If he tries to treat him and anything goes wrong, hes looking at a huge malpractice suit. MARTIN: But surely no one will sue someone for trying to save their life! DOUGLAS: Lets face it. If anyone would, Mr. Lehman would. MARTIN: Go and have a quick look at him for me, would you? [Silence] MARTIN: [sighs] Simon says, go and have a quick look at him for me, would you? DOUGLAS: Then Simon shall be obeyed. [Door closes] AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Golf Tango India, very little traffic on your track this evening. Maintain three-three-zero, turn right to Reykjavik, and when in range, contact Iceland, one-one-eight-decimal-zerofive. MARTIN: Oh, Reykjavik. Really? I was thinking we could just go back home. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Well, Reykjaviks much closer. I thought you said it was a medical emergency. MARTIN: Okay, right, yeah. Roger. [Bing-bong] MARTIN: Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Crieff here again. Im sure youll understand that as we have a passenger on board in need of urgent medical attention, we will have to make an unscheduled stop today in, erm, in Reykjavik. I do apologize for the inconvenience. And, once again, if there is a person with medical training on board, please do make yourself known to us. Thank you. [Bing] [Door opens] CAROLYN: Reykjavik!

MARTIN: Carolyn, hello. CAROLYN: Reykjavik! Reykjavik! REYKJAVIK! MARTIN: Carolyn, you sound like youre coughing up a hairball. CAROLYN: Why in the wide world are we going to Reykjavik? MARTIN: Because and I know on a busy flight, you might have missed this your son hosed a passenger down with a fire extinguisher and gave him a heart attack. So I thought it might be a touching gesture if we tried to get him to a hospital. CAROLYN: And whats wrong with the hospitals in Boston? MARTIN: Nothings wrong with them! Theyre terribly good! But theyre fifteen hundred miles away. CAROLYN: But do you have any idea what itll cost to land in Iceland? And find everyone accommodation and reroute tomorrow and miss Istanbul? MARTIN: A man may be dying back there! CAROLYN: A horrible man. MARTIN: Carolyn, just because a passenger is rude to you doesnt mean they deserve to die. CAROLYN: Okay. Martin, listen. We are almost halfway. Boston cant be more than what just forty minutes further. And putting aside the thousands and thousands of pounds it will cost, look at it from his point of view. He lives in Boston. If we carry on, he goes to hospital in his hometown. His family and his friends are right there MARTIN: Friends? CAROLYN: Hes rich. Hell have friends. If he goes to some hospital in Iceland, hell be alone in a foreign land, his family will have to fly over to be with him maybe theyll be too late all for the sake of forty minutes. [Beep] MARTIN: Shanwick, this is Golf Tango India. We wish to cancel our emergency. Wed like to continue to Boston. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Oh, all better now, is he? Thats nice. Roger, Golf Tango India. Route direct to fifty-one North thirty West and resume your previously cleared track. CAROLYN: Good command decision, Captain. See you later. [Door opens and closes] [Bing-bong] MARTIN: Sorry to disturb you again, ladies and gentlemen. Just to let you know that we will after all be continuing our journey to Boston. And, I repeat, if theres a doctor on board, and they retain even a hazy memory of their Hippocratic Oath, it would be really super to see them in the galley. Thank you. DOUGLAS: What are you doing, Martin? MARTIN: Im trying to flush out Dr. Price. DOUGLAS: No. Why are you turning back to Boston? MARTIN: Oh, well, I was just thinking it over, and I realize its actually almost as quick to DOUGLAS: Carolyn got to you, didnt she? MARTIN: What, no, she didnt get to me. She just happened to make a couple of valid points and DOUGLAS: Martin, turn the plane around. MARTIN: No, Ive made a command decision. DOUGLAS: Its the wrong decision. Bostons an extra forty minutes away. MARTIN: Yes, well, forty minutes, thats not all that DOUGLAS: If he dies thirty minutes out of Boston, just as he would be getting into the ambulance in Reykjavik, what are you going to tell his family? [Beep] MARTIN: Hello, Shanwick. Its Golf Tango India here again. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Ah, if it isnt the bouncing bomb. Where can we tempt you with this time? Tenerifes very nice this time of year. MARTIN: Reykjavik will be fine, thank you. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Are you sure now? I mean, dont rush into anything because I have literally nothing better to do with my time than ping you around the Atlantic Ocean all the live-long day. [Bing bong]

MARTIN: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Crieff once again, just to let you know that I misspoke a little just now. We will in fact be diverting to Reykjavik Airport as planned. [Groans heard] MARTIN: Oh, I know, trying to save someones life is such a chore, isnt it? Speaking of which, if there is in fact, and despite the deafening silence so far, a doctor on board, and if that doctor has quite finished his chicken casserole, blueberry cheesecake, and ooh coffee with milk no sugar, then maybe such a hypothetical doctor might like to stop flicking through the duty-free catalog and thoughtfully pulling on his sandy mustache, and walk the hypothetical seven rows to join me with the patient here in the galley. But, if there isnt a doctor on board, then never mind. [Bing] -----[Curtains pushed aside] MAN: Hello? MARTIN: Oh, hello! Mr. Price, is it? DR. PRICE: Doctor Price. MARTIN: Oh, a doctor! Good Lord, what a stroke of luck! The very thing were looking for. Well, this is the patient. DR. PRICE: Okay, lets have a look, okay. Uh huh. MARTIN: What do you think? DR. PRICE: I think, probablya bridge. MARTIN: A bridge? DR. PRICE: Yeah, a tunnels obviously out of the question, but if you really need to get past him, you can use a couple of drinks trolleys and a stretcher to rig up a rudimentary cantilever bridge - that at least is my professional opinion as a Ph.D. in Civil Engineering. Or has one of us made some sort of really embarrassing mistake? MARTIN: Wha Oh, Im so sorry. I didnt DR. PRICE: Yeah. Oh, and by the way, I dunno anything about medicine, but this guy doesnt need a doctor. MARTIN: What? DR. PRICE: Not anymore. -----CAROLYN: Turn the plane around. MARTIN: Youre not listening to me. CAROLYN: No, and far more importantly, youre not turning the plane around. Do it, now. MARTIN: I cant turn the plane around. CAROLYN: Martin, if there is one thing youve proved on this trip, over and over again, its that you can turn the plane around. Or were we just caught in a slow motion hurricane? MARTIN: But, Mr. Lehman CAROLYN: Is dead! God rest his grumpy soul. So he doesnt need an ambulance; he doesnt need a hospital. All he needs is to be taken home. To Boston. MARTIN: Douglas. DOUGLAS: You could tell her we no longer have enough fuel left to get to Boston safely. MARTIN: Yes, thank you! Carolyn, we no DOUGLAS: But we do. MARTIN: Thank you so much. DOUGLAS: Sorry, but shes right. We should go to Boston. CAROLYN: Ah-hah! MARTIN: Fine, fine. Well go to Boston. But only if CAROLYN: Yes? MARTIN: Douglas talks to Shanwick. CAROLYN: Douglas? DOUGLAS: My pleasure. [Beeps]

DOUGLAS: Hello, Shanwick. Greetings once again from the merry men of Yo-Yo Airways. -----ARTHUR: Well, goodbye then. I feel someone should, erm, say a few words. Hamilton R. Lehman. Born 1943 in America, probably. Died 2008 in the sky definitely. Non-vegetarian option. I didnt know you for very long, Mr. Lehman, but Ill always remember you as a shouty man. You loved to shout. Shout and smoke. Those were your twin passions. And so, in a way, I suppose you died doing what you loved: shouting and smoking and covered in foam. I dont know if you liked that. You probably didnt. Still. Goodbye. Rest in peace. Thank you for flying MJN Air! -----MARTIN: Dyou think well make it in time? DOUGLAS: Remember how I didnt know three minutes ago? No new information has come in since then. MARTIN: Right. [sighs] DOUGLAS: You all right? MARTIN: Yeah. Its just, you know, it hasnt been a great trip, has it? And I think possibly I made a few well, I didnt exactly Ive got this interview when we get back if we get back in time, which I doubt, and I just wondered if, as a captain, as things [sighs] I mean, I only ask because, of course, you were a captain for a while, and I just wondered if I mean, this is a bit difficult, but could you give me some advice? DOUGLAS: Well, the main thing is, youve got to stop asking for advice. MARTIN: Great, thanks. DOUGLAS: Thats okay. You can start as soon as Ive given you mine. Youre the captain, Martin. And one of the many excellent things about being captain, along with the irresistible sexual magnetism and first crack at the cheese tray, is that youre always right. So by all means, take opinions, but remember: You dont have to listen to Carolyn. You dont have to listen to ATC. You dont even and savor this because I shall never say it again you dont even have to listen to me. Youre the boss. What you say goes. MARTIN: Yes. Yes, youre right. Okay. Thank you. But, er, Douglas? DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: Simon says, could you give me some advice? DOUGLAS: [groans] Well done. MARTIN: My turn! My turn! DOUGLAS: All right. Tell me when youre ready. [Silence] DOUGLAS: Simon says, tell me when youre ready. MARTIN: Im ready. DOUGLAS: Come again? MARTIN: Im ready oh! -----ARTHUR: Goodbye! Thank you for flying MJN Air. Goodbye! Thank you for flying MJN Air. Goodbye! Thank you for flying MJN Air. Goodbye! Tha oh, thats it. Hold on, Mum! DOUGLAS: And were all finished at the pointy end with a cheeky little twelve minutes in hand before we go out of hours. CAROLYN: Great! Well The paramedics are back there in the galley with Mr. L., so as soon as theyre ready [Curtains pushed aside] CAROLYN: Oh, speak of the devils. Well, the angels. PARAMEDIC: Are you Carolyn Knapp-Shappey? CAROLYN: Yes. PARAMEDIC: Did you call up an ambulance and crew, Maam? CAROLYN: Yes, I did. PARAMEDIC: And why did you do that? CAROLYN: Why? Well, because, I well, I mean, look at him.

PARAMEDIC: We are looking at him, and wed like to know what you expect us to do with him? CAROLYN: I have to tell you, I really dont mind. Once hes off my plane, as far as Im concerned, you can let your imagination run wild. PARAMEDIC: Maam! Hes dead. Hes been dead for some time. We are an emergency service. This guy: not so much an emergency. CAROLYN: Well, what am I supposed to do? Carry him to the hospital over my shoulder? PARAMEDIC: Maam, you need to contact the coroners office. Theyll send out a vehicle. CAROLYN: When? PARAMEDIC: I dunno. When they can. You just give them a call tomorrow morning. See when they can do. CAROLYN: Tomorrow morning? PARAMEDIC: Yeah. Theyll be all closed up now. CAROLYN: So what are we supposed to do? Just leave him here until theyre ready for him? PARAMEDIC: Absolutely not! CAROLYN: Good! PARAMEDIC: Youre gonna need to remain in attendance. CAROLYN: What? What wwwe cant! We cant! MARTIN: Just one moment if you please. CAROLYN: Martin, dont. PARAMEDIC: Sir? MARTIN: Madam, I dont think you appreciate that I am the captain of this aircraft, not her. PARAMEDIC: Yeah. And? MARTIN: And and I just saw him move. PARAMEDIC: No, you didnt. MARTIN: I absolutely did. PARAMEDIC: This mans been dead for some time, sir. MARTIN: I dont think so. I am telling you, I just saw him move. PARAMEDIC: What movement did he make? MARTIN: He did a little wave. PARAMEDIC: I dont think so. MARTIN: Well, I do think so. And I am an airline captain, the commander of this vessel, and I am willing to swear anywhere that he absolutely did. He gave me a little wave, and then he pointed at you, and then he tapped his watch as if to say, Why arent I in the hospital already?, and then he relapsed into his unconscious state. So, it seems to me you can either refuse to take him, and I can while away the hours I spent waiting with him filing a complaint against you for negligence, which will tie us all up in endless red tape, until I eventually agree that maybe what I saw was just rigor mortis. Or, you can take him with you now, in your big empty ambulance, to the hospital, to which you are going anyway, and we can all hope and pray he doesnt die on the way. PARAMEDIC: Okay. Lucas, patient seen exhibiting vital signs. Get him on the gurney! MARTIN: Thank you so much. -----CAROLYN: Where is he? DOUGLAS: Well, if last nights anything to go by, hes telling the whole story to every third person he meets. It slows him down a tad. ARTHUR: While were waiting, can I just have a quick look in duty free? CAROLYN: No, Arthur, you do not need any more Toblerones. ARTHUR: Mum! Theyve got the white ones! MARTIN: Ah hah, there you all are! Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning. DOUGLAS: Good morning, Martin! Still feeling pretty chipper, I see. MARTIN: And whyever not? Twelve hours restful rest, a beautiful blue sky to fly in, and a certain sense of a job rather well done. CAROLYN: Yes, Martin, were all delighted by your newfound butchness. Now can we please just get through customs and go home?

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Is this your bag, sir? MARTIN: Yes, yes. Im sorry, Carolyn, do I detect a note of tetchiness? Surely, you havent already forgotten how I single-handedly saved you from losing out on a trip worth tens of thousands of pounds? CUSTOMS OFFICER: Im just gonna take a look through it. MARTIN: Yeah, fine. [Luggage unzipped] CAROLYN: Not yet, you havent. Weve still got to get back on time. MARTIN: You neednt to worry about that, Carolyn. Clear skies, no wind, no pesky passengers to peg out midway. Istanbul awaits us. As indeed do the good people of easyJet await me anyway. CUSTOMS OFFICER: Whats this? MARTIN: What? CUSTOMS OFFICER: Whats this? [Electric buzz] MARTIN: Well, since you ask, its a nose hair clipper. Okay? CUSTOMS OFFICER: It cant go in your hand luggage. You need to put it in the hold. MARTIN: [laughs] But theyre nasal clippers. What am I supposed to do with nasal clippers? CUSTOMS OFFICER: Im sorry, sir, thats federal law. MARTIN: [laughs again] You do realize we have an axe on the flight deck, dont you? CUSTOMS OFFICER: What? DOUGLAS: Of course, Captain, there is a time and a place for the strong-arm tactic MARTIN: We have a fire axe. So youre stopping me from equipping myself with the deadly power of the nose hairs trimmer on board a plane where I can, should the mood take me, brandish an axe. CUSTOMS OFFICER: I am not sure what you are telling me, sir. DOUGLAS: Hes not telling you anything. He doesnt want his silly old clippers anyway, repulsive object. Come on, Martin, before you say anything you might MARTIN: [interrupting] And besides that, Im the one flying the bloody thing. If I want to crash the plane, I dont even need an axe. I just need to push on the big metal column in front of me Agh! [Thud heard as CUSTOMS OFFICER tackles MARTIN] DOUGLAS: And there it is. CUSTOMS OFFICER: Sir, I am arresting you under Section Six of the Antiterrorism Act of 2002. MARTIN: What? CUSTOMS OFFICER: You were heard in the presence of witnesses to make a threat against the safety of the aircraft. Please come with me, [MARTIN grunts] sir! CAROLYN: You idiot, Martin! You colossal idiot! MARTIN: But but Ive got to fly the plane in forty minutes! CUSTOMS OFFICER: Oh no, sir, I dont think so. Come with me! Please! [Sounds of struggle as CUSTOMS OFFICER drags MARTIN away] CAROLYN: Come back! Come ba bring him back! [Footsteps as CAROLYN gives chase] DOUGLAS: So, Arthur, shall we take a look at those Toblerones? -----[Closing credits]

You might also like