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SAY “YES” TO LIFE

Life has a way of entering our lives before we have any say. We are
conceived and put out to pasture and once out there what else can we
do but say “yes”. The first few days and years we have no recollection
of but from what we can see from the miracle of life and bawling
around us, it is a time when we were carried, fed, cuddled and taken
care of. Somewhere this memory has been nagging us and we as adults
know that there is a better way to live this life.

The dream is to find the magical fountain that will give back those
days without cutting out the adult fun. The spoil sports are the other
adults. Why does it have to be that whenever people get together, the
social dynamics can get complicated?
And some do seem to find this fountain so it is worthwhile looking for
it.

All of us have been in love. Remember those moments when the


traffic always moved smoothly, spring was perennially n the air, the
meal was always perfect and the object of our love was not only
perfection incarnate but gave us all the cuddles and caress we could
take? There was promise of joy and happiness in the air. More to the
point in this state we are saying “YES” all the time. So it proves that
this state is possible but then as we know life happens.
There is this little devil of selfishness & self-centeredness that acts as
spoil-sport. Giving to be a joy has to be a two way effort. The world in
the state it is, cannot take too much giving without wondering what
the heck it is all about. Whatever the Christian Love theory may say,
giving the other cheek does not work out very pragmatic in the end.
Life is what we make of it. Well then, what is the pragmatic way?

I would say that we take cognizance that we have influence in a given


small crowd; let us worry about this crowd. Let us also not forget that
The Universe or The Lord if you refer to call HIM, put us here and we
are serving a purpose. The first rule we should exercise in our life is to
act without “calculation & pre-meditation”. The second being: leave,
absolutely leave, the rest of the world alone. Another rule that I have
found by experience is to be honest with yourself and your neighbor.
Say your piece whatever it is. If you can’t afford it say so. If you want
something ask it. No hypocrisy.

If you are living for “Appearance’s sake” then you are digging a hole
which will eventually become your grave. This requires a bit of
intelligent analysis of the situation, which means also that to say yes
properly we should learn to also say no. People are selfish just as we
are and out to grab whatever they can and we should not promote this
attitude for as I would say it corrodes the soul of the receiver and
makes the giver miserable.
I really don’t think these lectures are required. Adults will never make
good teachers; there is too much of their own personal agendas
involved in their lecturing. It is the children who have the answers.
See their attitudes and their approach to life; sincere, always trying
and learning new tricks and sharing. There is “newness” in their
personal atmospheres and I feel this is the secret to it all.

Emulating them will give us the Key to the joy we are looking for and
the YES will get incorporated in our lives without trying; but I warn
you, the rest of the world will think of you as immature and unreliable
and often “coarse”, especially when you deny them something. But
then you are here to say YES to your life and not theirs! Have
courage!! The Universe is with you!!!
Nothing good to say

Out of ten people who speak about you, nine would have nothing
good to say. The one person, who has something good to say, will
say it badly. – Pascal.

It is a sad statement about human nature that we find


it agonizingly difficult to speak well of others. Praise has to be forced
out of our hearts like a breathing exercise. You would remember the
times you were asked to say thank you when you received a gift or
card and that was the last thing you wanted to do. I have always
wondered why speaking well of anything comes only with so much
effort. Why do we want to hide what is in our heart?

I read the original in French sometime 40 years ago. It was quite an


eye opener. Then I understood the value of human comments. It is as
good as nil. People, as I understand, have two ways to see others; the
first is with compassion as the Dalai Lama often reiterates-then you
see everything with a forgiving and admiring eye. Like a child looking
at the new world with wondrous astonishment The second is the more
normal way in which after the world has bashed and squeezed us up
somewhat, our shoulders bent double with the heavy load of cares,
we turn cynical and can’t see anything good in any situation, thing or
act and person. We see ill intent all around us and its expression.

Well there is definitely room for improvement in all of us. We are not
always very honest with others or ourselves and then we go to
inordinate lengths to mask the truth of our hearts; often from
ourselves too. We have funny convoluted reasons for conducting many
of our business. This saying was sent to me by a friend recently and it
speaks volumes about human nature: "Sometimes we don't do things
we want to do so that others won't know we want to do them."

I would have thought this was self-evident. Does it need to be said?

Well we need to focus on the positive aspect. Some people do live in


imaginatively speaking, clear-glass matter of fact, sensible and
nothing-to-hide way. They have many happy stories to relate and are
prepared to share their time and possessions. They see life as
progressions of events designed to bring happy and happier times.
They have nothing to hide and couldn’t care if whatever is visible is
seen by others. They have realized there are billions of similar
entities out there and they are nothing special to gloat about. Self-
aware and humble; they are lovely people and these are the people
who will always have something nice to say about you.
But alas they are rarely trained professors of languages and have no
training in PR techniques. They are woefully inadequate in expressing
themselves in a precise and calculated language that would leave no
doubt in the mind of the listener; something that leaves no room for
double entendres or further distortion. Because it is a quirk of life
that if anything can be distorted, the embedded prejudice in people
will do so and more often than not do it in such a way that a lingering
perfume of negativity and is left behind.
The Art of not listening

Do you like to live your life your way? Then you must absolutely
cultivate the art of not listening. Don’t be fooled by all these lectures
on listening that will improve your life by making you more efficient
and bringing in more value to your existence. It is absolute baloney.
Listening never did any good to anybody. It only brings duties and
commitments and who wants any of this?

Look at this guy hogging the road or even that pedestrian walking
merrily in the centre of the road. Both have been taught and told, I
am sure often enough, to be a little more “giving” and considerate; if
not for others at least for their own selves. From their behavior you
would believe that they both acquired white hairs by standing under
the sun. Then coming down to the immediate present, no amount of
honking seems to affect them. Are they deaf? No sir, nothing of this.
They are tax payers so they have rights and the roads are for public
use; although I would keep my fingers crossed when making this
statement.
The art of not listening has some techniques that can be mastered by
anybody.

First obviously is to go deaf. Refuse to allow a certain level of higher


frequencies to titillate your nerves in the ear. What will the other guy
do? Hang you by the nearest tree?! There is really no point in being
considerate and raising our blood-pressure levels, is there?

Second, learn to convert every exchange into an argument. Put the


other guy in the position to having to clarify. Any stupid remark will
do as long as it is made as an accusation. Keep this up till the poor
other guy gives up and rearranges his life to cut you out. The problem
is that this technique is used mainly in marriages where cutting out is
not so simple. It would be better then to learn to grin and bear it.

Third, treat every question as an incriminating statement and answer


accordingly with a lot of anguish and hurt in your voice and demeanor.
Your words should show it by saying immediately in response
something like: you are always shouting at me. The idea would be
clearly to put the other guy on the defensive; the subject then getting
conveniently brushed under the carpet. The other guy will eventually
realize that he has been had but what can he really do except grind
his teeth?

Fourth, be the nice guy. Grunt a yes sounding something and almost
certainly do your own thing unless it is blatantly against your good
health policy.
Fifth, is by changing the activity. Let us say you are watching the TV
and your partner starts speaking to you. Immediately start fluffing the
pillow with a loud noise then say sorry and then ask him to get you a
glass of water. This does require a little presence of mind but practice
makes perfect.

Sixth, just lose your temper. This will act as rumble-strips and slow
the other fellow down and even embarrass him. Take advantage of
the situation and accuse him of everything you can think of. It will not
only take care of the present situation but make him downright scared
for even daring to open his mouth in the future.

Happiness is in not listening.


MENDING RELATIONSHIPS

A discussion began on the art of mending relationships. But being the


cynical guy that I am, I was not convinced on the validity of the
subject matter chosen for the discussion. For as crystally clear it can
be, the first question is why did things in the relationship come to the
impasse where they needed to be mended at all; secondly I am prone
to ask rather insensitively if there was a relationship at all and if you
are not better off without the relationship hanging around your neck.

Humans are very imperfect and that is putting it kindly. We


are a mixed up lot. At any given time so many factors are jostling for
space in our considerations that if Martians were peeping at us, they
would say we are awfully confused and inconsistent even at the best
of times.

It will be called improper but it has to be said that we are


opportunists. Find me one earthling who will squarely deny that he
was never tickled pink by the slips and misfortunes of others; what a
sense of superiority it gives and in case of mishaps it is free slapstick
comedy. We love to have a hearty guffaw at the expense. A certain
level of insensitivity is often shown openly which can mar
relationships. If we reign in our propensities to insult, spew venom
and laugh at others it is because we know that it could turn out to be
extremely injurious to our well being. But when safe we do let
ourselves go. It is another matter the recipient of our amusement may
be hurt to the point of retaliation; quite a lot of people do.

Well whatever the reason; inadvertently or willfully if some drama


was enacted that resulted in a relationship to be torn asunder then
the first question to be asked is what happened. If it was a planned
move to break the relationship then there is nothing except good
riddance to be said. If the instance was some of sort of accident then
there is only one thing to do. Quickly apologise and rectify matters; if
the other permits you. There is no reason on earth to convince a
battered ego that it may have been an accident. Then one must face
the fact that accident or not, the loss of prestige was real and humans
don’t forgive so readily.

Then I have a special view of my own. It is my contention that we are


out to grab from each other the most we can. Mostly, personally
speaking, it has only brought me tribulations. Why not let a broken
relationship be? Take it as a sign from providence. Do we really need
too many relationships? My own bent is towards a highly selective
choosing of friends and let the other contacts slip into oblivion. The
logic is simple. If they need me they will come to me. If I need them I
will go to them. Rarely anyone wishes to continue with a relationship
that has no benefit in it. Drifting apart is a natural law.
I even go to the extent of breaking willfully certain relationships that
have been giving me a crick in the neck. I have often exacerbated an
issue that effectively closed avenues for reconstructing the
relationship. Often even when the other party tries hard to come over
with a new gambit to start all over again, I just play deaf and dumb.
There is enough precedence in life to support this attitude. There has
to be some reason behind the sayings – Good fences make good
neighbors - Treat every man as a gentleman until he proves himself
otherwise. – Absence makes the heart grow fonder. – A snake is better
left in the bush etc etc. Relationships kept for formality’s sake only
give irritating rashes.

I have a relation who is very nice and when we meet he has a lot of
gossip about others; not always the good kind. So it is safe to assume
that he would be speaking of me to others too and not always in very
kind terms. This was confirmed by one of my cousin sisters one day.
After that I deliberately, somewhat slowly though, started keeping a
distance and pointedly made it clear that we are managing well
without his attention. No harm done. We are still on each other’s list
of invitees but we meet rarely. Both are quite content with this state
of affairs. I have created this chasm with many relations who had
outlived there usefulness. Every relationship dropped gives few more
kilos of peace of mind. I put all my energies in supporting and
nurturing my relationships that are happy ones.

Neighbors are the worst offenders. In the name of neighborhood-


brotherhood, they impose, intrude and try more often than not to get
more than what politeness may deem right. I remember when we had
moved in to this neighborhood, a carpenter was working with us. In
my absence a neighbor came and took him away for fixing his curtain
rod. Not only no permission was taken but he did not pay the guy for
his services; later on he tells me that he was sure I would not mind.
How selfishly presumptuous!

Other incidences followed. Eventually I decided to tick them off at


the first opportunity which arrived soon enough. They were clearly
annoyed, told me in no clear terms that I should not consider myself
very hoighty toighty and if I will be belligerent they will answer by
being tenfold. I kept my cool and I told the old guy that he was my
elder and he should behave that way. He kept on ranting his tune in
his wild tone while I kept on repeating the same sentence - "You are
my elder. Please behave that way." After about the seventh time he
relented and walked off. Later he tried to become friendly again but I
refused to accept his greetings and never responded to any overture.
Things are now cool and contented between us.

There is a definite case of not fighting against reality and destiny.


Make the effort to keep good relations but if they break nevertheless
then let them slip into their natural equilibrium.
The Art of Shirking

Mostly people are brought up to be up and doing; you do, you get. In
this environment where everyone is up and about it requires a specific
state of mind to flow against the river. I used to be one of those who
would take a request personally. Later I often found all my efforts
going down the drain because the other person had changed his mind
or requirements. It is then I decided to act on anything only when
asked three times.

People will ask you a service if you are available. So the first step
towards freedom is to not make your-self available. There are a few
ground rules for this.

If you have been tuned to act and be of service then you will have to
retune yourself. Learn to keep at the back of your mind this thought:
what will others say; what will they think of me; is it legal; is it really
necessary? With all these considerations churning in your mind, you
will rarely find time or the inclination to make the first move and by
then hopefully the need to act will have passed or the situation would
have taken care of itself. If you are unable to get the hang of my
thinking here, spend time with a government functionary. You will see
what I mean and learn a few lovely pointers.

We are surrounded by responsibilities as it is. And people around us


want to take on many more. Given the nature of life we can’t always
say no directly. The way out of this predicament is to put all one’s
energy in planning how to get out of it. Search hard for excuses and
reasons or excuses couched in the garb of reasons. Raise objections;
don’t attempt to be logical.
If the other guy is sensible he will see through the playacting and
leave you alone. If the responsibility is forced down your gullet and
things go wrong later, you can always crow about how you had warned
about it.

Convert everything into an argument. Let the other guy explain


himself get himself all tied up in knots. Later on you can use the
confusion to slip out of any commitment.
If you are attacked just smile sweetly and look apologetic and create
another long argumentative discussion.

When confronted by reality and there is no way of running away from


a face to face meeting with a person you cannot afford to displease, -
smile, be accommodating, agree and make promises. Then as soon as
good form permits say your good byes on a happy note and scram. As
soon as you are out of earshot, forget the whole thing. No point in
burdening your memory with non-essentials. The guy will never realize
how insincere you are and will hope and wait for some time and
perhaps even call you on your mobile to find out how things are
shaping up, then as time is a great healer and helps to forget, things
will pass into the past and life will go on.
In these circumstances it is good to have a dependant like an old
mother, or dog or child around to take care of. They make wonderful
subjects for excuses which cannot be overridden.

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