Always Know What to Say Easy Ways to Approach and Talk to Anyone By Peter W. Murphy Copyright (C !

"## $y Peter W. Murphy Pu$lished on S%ashwords &&& All rights reser'ed. (ou cannot gi'e this e$ook away )ree or sell it. (ou do not ha'e resale rights to this e$ook. This e$ook %ay not $e reproduced in any )or%at without the e*pressed written per%ission o) Peter W. Murphy. All 'iolators will $e prosecuted. While atte%pts ha'e $een %ade to 'eri)y in)or%ation contained in this pu$lication+ neither the author nor the pu$lisher assu%es any responsi$ility )or errors+ o%issions+ interpretation or usage o) the su$,ect %atter herein. This pu$lication contains the opinions and ideas o) its author and is intended )or in)or%ational purposes only. The author and pu$lisher shall in no e'ent $e held lia$le )or any loss or other da%ages incurred )ro% the usage o) this pu$lication. S%ashwords Edition -icense .otes This e/$ook is licensed )or your personal en,oy%ent only. This e/$ook %ay not $e re/sold or gi'en away to other people. 0) you would like to share this $ook with another person+ please purchase an additional copy )or each person you share it with. 0) you1re reading this $ook and did not purchase it+ or it was not purchased )or your use only+ then you should return to S%ashwords and purchase your own copy. Thank you )or respecting the author1s work. &&& Ta$le o) Contents #. 2ow to 3se this Book !. 4ree Con'ersation Skills Training 5a. Part # / What is in the Way o) 6e'eloping 7reat Con'ersation Skills8 5$. The #" .egati'e 2a$its that -i%it Con'ersation Skills 9a. Part ! / Con'ersation Skills Tips and Strategies 9$. 2ow to Approach So%eone to Start a Con'ersation :. ; 7reat Ways to Con)idently Approach Anyone <. 2ow to Stop 4eeling .er'ous When Meeting .ew People =. What to Say When 0ntroducing (oursel) to .ew People

>. < Easy Ways to A'oid 7etting Stuck )or Words ;. #" 0nteresting Topics o) Con'ersation )or E'ery ?ccasion #". The Best @uestions to Keep a Con'ersation 7oing ##. 2ow to Shine in Con'ersation with -istening Skills #!. 2ow to 3se Body -anguage to Aead People -ike a Book #5. Show People (ou -ike The% and Make 4riends with Ease &&& 2ow to 3se this Book This $ook is a how to guide to %aking con'ersation with new people. 0 present ideas+ strategies and approaches that can help you only i) you apply the techniBues. Make sure to use these principles and ideas out there in the real world. 0t %ay take a little trial and error $ut i) you practice youCll see its %uch easier than %ost people think to start a con'ersation with so%eone you are %eeting )or the )irst ti%e. (ouCll ha'e %uch %ore )un talking to people and youCll en,oy letting your personality shine. 6o $ear in %ind+ the strategies presented here are a starting point+ youCll need to ad,ust your application o) the indi'idual tips to the conte*t and people you are dealing with. So%e )le*i$ility on your part is essential. Take it a step at a ti%e+ ai% to i%pro'e ,ust a little each day+ use these strategies o)ten and %ake a co%%it%ent to ongoing learning with the )ree resources %entioned in the ne*t section. Be)ore long youCll $e one o) those people others respect and ad%ire. TheyCll $e wondering how you %ake con'ersation so easilyD &&& 4ree Con'ersation Skills Training 0 a% a )ir% $elie'er in ongoing education and )or that reason 0 a% including two )ree $onuses with this $ook that will help you to $uild great co%%unication skills. (ouCll also see a link to %y A%aEon.co% author page with links to )ree resources. #. #" Si%ple Steps to Co%%unication Con)idence 0 ha'e a 'ery popular audio that co'ers the #" steps to $uilding co%%unication con)idence / that %agnetic Buality that %akes people want to talk to you and keen to get to know you $etter. 0) youCd like to know how to win the appro'al+ ad%iration and deep appreciation o) anyone you talk to then youCll en,oy listening to this special recording. This special audio has $een downloaded se'eral thousand ti%es o'er the last )ew years. 7et your )ree copy atF httpFGGwww.)reenowtoday.co%G

!. Co%%unication Con)idence Blog My $log has hundreds o) great articles with practical tips )or anyone interested in de'eloping $etter co%%unication skills+ o'erco%ing shyness or $uilding lasting sel) con)idence. (ou can e'en add your own co%%ents to let %e know what you think o) the%. httpFGGwww.howtotalkwithcon)idence.co%G$logG &&& Part # / What is in the Way o) 6e'eloping 7reat Con'ersation Skills8 0n this section we will take a look at what is in the way o) your a$ility to de'elop good con'ersation skills. WeHll acknowledge where you are right now and si%ply pay attention to the negati'e ha$its that are keeping you stuck and resistant to change. To get the %ost out o) this section youHll need to read it+ think a$out what youH'e read and then %ake so%e new choices )or the )uture. E'en i) you are a Buiet person or you tend to $e Buiet when %eeting new people this %aterial can help you to $eco%e %ore co%)orta$le and %ore e*pressi'e regardless o) who you are talking to. There are )our keys to getting results with this %aterialF #. Be Aware and Make a Choice When it co%es to personal change the )irst step is to $eco%e aware o) what you are doing and why you do it. 4or e*a%ple+ letHs say you rarely approach people. Take an o$,ecti'e look at this $eha'ior and you %ight notice that you do so%eti%es $ut not usually and only when you ha'e a sense o) purpose or good reason to. This re'elation can then $e applied to approach people %ore o)ten and with less an*iety. The second step is to choose to change. (ou donHt ha'e to change+ itHs entirely up to you. What is i%portant is to notice you ha'e a choice and to then decide what you want to do. 6o you want to $e %ore socia$le8 6o you want $etter con'ersation skills8 Make a clear and de)inite choice to learn+ grow and i%pro'e and it will dri'e all your $eha'ior going )orward. !. .otice Which .egati'e 2a$its (ou 2a'e 4or all o) the negati'e ha$its in this section 0Hd like you to read through the descriptions o) how the ha$its %ani)est the%sel'es and then ask yoursel) does this ha$it e'er apply to you+ a little or a lot8 This is not a$out $eating yoursel) up itHs a$out noticing the negati'e ha$its that are in place+ this is not so %uch a$out skills+ itHs a$out patterns o) inertia that can con'ince you that your con'ersation skills are poor when in )act there are other )actors which are %ore pro$le%atic. (ouHll also notice that so%e $ut not all o) the ha$its apply to you+ and so%e apply to a s%all degree while others are so pre'alent in how you deal with people that it see%s like thatHs ,ust the way it is and always has $een. E'en )or ha$its $ear in %ind change is possi$le when you learn a new and $etter approach. 5. Set .ew Beha'ioral 7oals

4or each o) the negati'e ha$its+ identi)y i) and to what e*tent itHs true )or you and then choose+ do you want to change or not8 0) you do+ how do you want to $e in this conte*t going )orward8 0) you donHt want to change+ how are you going to handle li'ing with this li%itation )or the rest o) your li)e8 ?nce you set your %ind on a new o$,ecti'e+ once you decide to replace a negati'e ha$it with a positi'e ha$it youHll gradually get used to $eha'ing di))erently in those situations where you used to $e apathetic and passi'e. At )irst it will take so%e deter%ination and a conscious decision to $e %ore proacti'e $ut a)ter a while it will $eco%e a new ha$it+ at that point itHll start to see% Inor%alJ and as i) youH'e always $een that way. 9. Ai% )or Step $y Step 0%pro'e%ent Please $ear in %ind+ this $ook is not light entertain%ent. 0) you want results+ i) you want to Buickly i%pro'e your con'ersation skills you need to participate+ you need to read the %aterial+ think a$out how it applies to you and e*ert so%e e))ort and deter%ination to practice and apply what youH'e learnt here out there in the real world. 6o not e*pect instant success with no e))ort or youHll $e disappointed. ?n the other hand+ i) you decide to i%pro'e surely $ut consistently through trial and error you will %ake steady progress. 0 guarantee it. We1ll now look at the ten co%%on negati'e ha$its people o)ten display that can get in the way o) de'eloping great con'ersation skills. So%e $ut not all o) these ha$its will apply to you. As you read through this section pay attention to identi)y those patterns that deter%ine how and e'en i) you interact with people in your day to day li)e and that includes )riends+ )a%ily and %eeting new people. &&& The #" .egati'e 2a$its that -i%it Con'ersation Skills #. .egati'e Attitudes There are a nu%$er o) ways a negati'e attitude can cause pro$le%s )or you when your intention to i%pro'e your con'ersation skills. People are di))icult to talk to A lot o) our opinions+ attitudes and $elie)s a$out people are the result o) unconscious decisions a$out the way it is. A )ew $ad e*periences can easily $e generaliEed to distort how we 'iew all people not ,ust those di))icult )ew people we occasionally ha'e to deal with. Without e'en noticing how it happened we assu%e and e'entually $elie'e that it1s $etter to a'oid people whene'er possi$le and that it1s $etter to keep your distance with those you talk to on a regular $asis. This is a negati'e attitude and not the way popular people look at the world. 0nstead they look )or the good in people+ en,oy %eeting new people and know that+ yes+ occasionally they1ll $u%p into so%eone they don1t en,oy talking to. 2owe'er they don1t write o)) e'eryone $ecause they occasionally $u%p into so%e di))icult people.

6o you assu%e %ost people are di))icult to deal with8 6o you a'oid %eeting new people $ecause you worry a$out what they will think o) you8 6o you keep to yoursel) as a way o) not dealing with the occasional $ut rare di))icult indi'idual8 SocialiEing is )ri'olous Many people also ha'e a negati'e attitude a$out socialiEing. They %ay regard it as )ri'olous or e'en pointless. (ou so%eti%es hear people %aking e*cuses a$out $eing tired or too $usy to socialiEe when the real reason is unspoken. 4ew people will ad%it to their true )ears and an*ieties+ %any people pre)er to stick to their closest )riends o'er going out to %eet new people si%ply $ecause they hold in %ind negati'e e*pectations o) what will happen when they go to a 'enue to %eet people. Again+ this can $e unconscious as it o)ten is with negati'e attitudes. (ou %ay not ha'e e'en noticed $ut when you think a$out attending a party+ a wedding or a large gathering o) any kind you %ay $e thinking a$out all the things that could go wrong. (ou %ight )eel a knot in your sto%ach and i%agine $eing stuck )or words and standing alone in a crowd with no one to talk to you. (ou %ight e'en i%agine )eeling e%$arrassed and sel)/conscious. This is Buite an achie'e%ent when you think a$out it+ the e'ent hasn1t e'en happened and already you are i%agining the worst possi$le outco%e and li'ing that )eared conseBuence as i) it1s already happened. The thing is+ it hasn1t happened+ nothing $ad has happened. All that has happened is that you ha'e not taken charge o) your thoughts and )eelings. E'er notice how you think a$out upco%ing opportunities to socialiEe8 6o you think a$out all that can go wrong8 6oes this )ill you with dread8 6o you tend to %ake e*cuses to a'oid attending social e'ents8 .o ti%e to %eet people There is one %a,or di))erence $etween Buiet people and talkati'e e*tro'erts. @uiet people o)ten %ake it a priority to ha'e alone ti%e and ti%e spent on solo acti'ities $e)ore e'erything else. 0n e*tre%e cases they e'en )ail to schedule ti%e with )riends and opportunities to %eet new people. 0nstead they adopt the attitude that it will take care o) itsel)+ that they can tag along with )riends who organiEe get togethers. 2owe'er this rarely works $ecause a pattern o)ten e%erges where$y the Buiet person says no to o))ers to socialiEe with )riends $ecause o) the priority gi'en to solo acti'ities. There %ay not $e any ti%e le)t in the schedule to say yes and to head out to %eet up with )riends and acBuaintances. 0n contrast+ people with $usy social li'es and great con'ersation skills do things di))erently. They switch o)) the TK and internet and schedule se'eral e'enings a week to get out there to %eet people+ they are typically the )irst to say yes whene'er the party in'itations go out and they place a high priority on spending their )ree ti%e with others. That1s not to say you should go to that e*tre%e although itHs good to ai% )or %ore $alance in how you spend your )ree ti%e and to place %ore i%portance on scheduling ti%e in your week to %eet up with )riends and )a%ily+ and to 'isit new places and to e*plore new acti'ities. 6o you )ail to schedule ti%e each week to %eet people8 6o you let the week slip $y at ho%e when you could $e %ore proacti'e a$out getting out there to spend ti%e with )riends8 0) you1d like %ore $alance $etween ti%e alone and ti%e with others how will you schedule that in the weeks and %onths ahead8 SocialiEing is careless spending

What you spend your leisure cash on re'eals a lot a$out what is i%portant to you+ it re'eals what you 'alue and what gi'es you en,oy%ent. And it also represents another opportunity to $uild closer connections with )riends and to get to know interesting new people. So%e people regard spending %oney on socialiEing as careless when they can eat+ drink and stay entertained at ho%e )or less %oney $ut that %isses the point. When you spend at a $ar+ ca)e or restaurant you are paying )or the en'iron%ent and the %eeting place not ,ust the )ood and drink. (ou are socialiEing where there is the possi$ility o) %eeting new people and you1re %aking it a special occasion+ in )act+ you1re cele$rating the )riendships that gi'e you support+ co%panionship and en,oy%ent. The sa%e applies when you spend %oney to play sport or to $e acti'e in any kind o) social clu$. The real )un and $ene)it is the )riendly en'iron%ent and opportunity to %eet )riends and to %ake new )riends. The e*penses associated with the acti'ity are incidental. Think a$out it+ a )ew weeks later+ a)ter a great night out with )riends+ do you e'en re%e%$er what you ate and drank8 ?) course not $ut you do re%e%$er how %uch )un you had and you can1t wait to do it again. 6o you place a low 'alue on spending %oney to socialiEe8 6oes it see% waste)ul to eat out or e'en to go out )or co))ee when itHs %uch cheaper to do it yoursel) at ho%e8 0s it worth it to spend the %oney and go out a little %ore i) it %eans you %ake new )riends and get to ha'e )un with the people already in your li)e8 !. -ack o) Purpose 0n the conte*t o) %aking con'ersation a lack o) purpose can cause you to $e indecisi'e a$out what to say and una$le to take control o) the interaction. There are a nu%$er o) related issues we need to look at. .o o$,ecti'e when %eeting people Another co%%on ha$it a%ong people who a'oid %eeting people and dislike %aking s%all talk is the lack o) a clearly de)ined goal )or social interactions. This then gi'es rise to a nu%$er o) related pro$le%s+ you are %ore likely to $e sel)/conscious and second guess what you should say ne*t+ you get stuck )or words and you dread awkward silences+ and you )ind it hard to pay close attention to what the other person is saying. .one o) this happens or at least happens in a %a,or way when you know e*actly what you want to achie'e in the con'ersationF that singular )ocus changes e'erything. .ow+ you don1t need to do this )or e'ery con'ersation howe'er i) you o)ten )ind s%all talk stress)ul at one e*tre%e or $oring at the other it can $e 'ery help)ul to ha'e a clearly de)ined goal. Why8 Because it allows you to )ocus on what you want to achie'e and gi'es you a direction in which to dri'e the con'ersation+ doing so keeps your %ind $usy and less likely to wander. 0t eases the pro$le%s o) an*iety and not paying attention which can do%inate when you lack a speci)ic con'ersational goal. May$e in the past you1'e rarely considered ha'ing a con'ersation goal when you %eet so%eone )or the )irst ti%e or when you need to chat with so%eone you don1t know that well. So what can ser'e as a con'ersation goal8 0t can $e anything )ro% so%ething as si%ple as looking )or what you ha'e in co%%on to so%ething %ore in'ol'ed like asking )or opinions+ perspecti'es or insights on local changes in your co%%unity that will a))ect e'eryone who li'es there. 6o you tend to end up in situations where you don1t know what to talk a$out8 6o you then rando%ly ,u%p )ro% one topic to another with no sense o) direction8 0nstead %ake a point o) ha'ing a goal )or each con'ersation whether that $e to esta$lish and %aintain rapport+ disco'er

co%%onality or to look )or shared 'alues and $elie)s. When you do this+ the con'ersation will ha'e a direction and li)e o) its own that you si%ply steer. .o co%%on goals with people 0) %aking con'ersation e'er see%s like an uphill $attle it1s o)ten $ecause there1s a lack o) cooperation+ one person is co%peting with the other )or air ti%e or to win a de$ate. This can get out o) hand 'ery Buickly and all it takes is a slight shi)t in perspecti'e to turn it around. Always look )or what you ha'e in co%%on when you %eet people and always $e on the lookout )or co%%on goals+ concerns or worries. When you share a passion or a pro$le% with so%eone there is a%ple scope )or a li'ely con'ersation as you put your %inds together to )ind a solution. The key is to look )or e%otional issues+ strongly desired goals or highly charged pro$le%s. When you )ind those $y listening care)ully and pointing out your si%ilar e*periences and )eelings a$out the issue it can create a deep connection with the other person. This can $ring up intense )eelings so i) you want to %aintain a %ore low key and rela*ed interaction pay %ore attention to issues that ha'e less e%otional in'ol'e%ent. -et1s say you tra'el to 4rance e'ery year and you %eet so%eone who en,oys 4rench cine%a+ you ha'e a di))erent $ut closely connected passion that could )an the )la%es )or a great con'ersation. The key is to spot potential %atches and to speak up to share your passions. 6o you o)ten )ind con'ersations to $e like a ga%e o) ping pong played against so%eone8 6o you tend to ha'e di))iculties achie'ing deep rapport8 0) you do+ ai% instead to $e on the sa%e tea% as others $y )inding co%%on interests you $oth en,oy or co%%on pro$le%s to sol'e together. .o per)or%ance o$,ecti'es Another co%%on and li%iting ha$it is that o) )ailing to esta$lish per)or%ance o$,ecti'es. When you are talking to so%eone you need to know %o%ent to %o%ent how you are doing. (ou need to constantly ad,ust your approach to )eed$ack and this can only happen i) you ha'e o$,ecti'es and ways o) %easuring progress towards or away )ro% the%. -et1s say you are )inding it di))icult to talk to so%eone+ there are awkward silences and all o) a sudden the other person e*cuses hi%sel) and walks away. Were there warning signs8 ?) course there were and it shouldn1t ha'e $een a surprise that an a$rupt conclusion to the con'ersation was i%%inent. What could you do di))erently to a'oid this happening in the )uture8 4irst o) all you need per)or%ance o$,ecti'es or se'eral related s%all goals that will contri$ute to ensuring a good con'ersation. This %eans dropping a Ihope )or the $estJ attitude and taking control o) the situation. Per)or%ance o$,ecti'es would include the decision to gi'e your co%plete attention to the other person when he is talking+ the practice o) re'ealing what you ha'e in co%%on e'ery ti%e the other person talks a$out a co%%on interest and persistence in searching )or co%%on goals. 6o you usually ha'e non/speci)ic hopes )or a con'ersation that can1t $e de)ined8 6o you o)ten )ail to stay on track and lose control o) the purpose and direction o) the interaction8 0nstead ai% to take charge o) the %inor $ut related ele%ents and the whole will take care o) itsel). .o long ter% outlook

Another negati'e ha$it is taking a short ter% outlook $oth when it co%es to going out to %eet people and when you are engaged in a con'ersation. When you procrastinate when it co%es to %eeting people weeks+ %onths or e'en years pass $y and then you wonder why you ha'e a close circle o) )riends $ut you know 'ery )ew people and you )eel like you1re stuck in the rut o) only doing the sa%e )ew acti'ities with the sa%e )ew people. 0t is %uch %ore help)ul to take a long ter% outlook to ensure you ha'e a happy and $usy social li)e )illed with people you en,oy talking to. This %eans saying yes %ore o)ten and attending social )unctions $ecause little $y little you1ll %eet great people and gradually $uild up a great network o) good )riends. 0) you don1t do this the ine'ita$le happens+ people %o'e to a new neigh$orhood+ others get pro%oted at work and ha'e less )ree ti%e+ while so%e get o'erwhel%ed $y their $usy )a%ily li'es. The end result is the sa%e+ o'er the years+ you1ll know )ewer and )ewer people to %eet up with unless you are always looking )orward and ai%ing to )ind great people to %eet. People with lots o) good )riends look to the )uture. They see social )unctions as the ideal opportunity to %eet their )riends and to %ake new )riends not ,ust )or right now $ut )or years to co%e. They 'iew con'ersations as %uch %ore than s%all talk $ecause o) this perspecti'e+ each chat is part o) a %uch $igger picture and a )un way to get to know %ore great people+ people to en,oy getting to know o'er ti%e. 6o you )ail to look $eyond the i%%ediate con'ersation when you %eet so%eone8 6o you a'oid social )unctions $ecause itHs ,ust one e'ening you1re %issing8 0nstead see each con'ersation and each gathering as a way to %eet great people you can en,oy getting to know )or years to co%e. 5. ?'erlook 0%portance o) Social Connections @uiet+ independent people so%eti%es o'erlook how i%portant social connections are )or general well $eing and happiness. This o'ersight has i%plications we need to consider. .ot looking )or %ore )riends -et1s take a look now at another attitude that gets in the way o) de'eloping great con'ersation skills. This is the outlook that you already ha'e enough )riends so why put yoursel) out there to %eet %ore people8 This is the kind o) apathy that can also in)ect your current )riendships+ $e)ore you know it you can get laEy a$out %aking ti%e )or good )riends and )ail to $e co%pletely present when you do %eet the%. When it co%es down to it the Iha'e enough )riends alreadyJ outlook %isses one i%portant distinction. The happiest ti%es in your li)e tend to ha'e one key )actor in co%%on / shared e*periences with people you care a$out. 7i'en that this is the case it %akes sense to %ake happiness a priority and to do that $y %aking a point o) always %aking the e))ort to %eet %ore like %inded people and to deepen the )riendships you already ha'e $y $eing a $etter listener+ $y sharing %ore o) yoursel) and $y not taking it all )or granted. Popular people already know that the happiest ti%es in their li'es typically in'ol'e their )riends and )a%ily. They culti'ate great )riendships and %ake a point o) getting to know new people. 0t1s a key part o) how they li'e and how they plan their week $y %aking ti%e to $e with people. 6o you e'er think you ha'e enough )riends already8 6o you take so%e o) your )riends )or granted and )ail to %ake the e))ort to see the%8 See that happiness in large part co%es down to spending ti%e with great people and ai% to do %ore o) that.

Meeting people is a low priority A related issue is the decision to a'oid %eeting people. 0) you cra% your schedule with work+ do%estic chores and solo acti'ities you1ll ne'er ha'e enough the opportunity to en,oy ti%e with )riends and to get to know new people. (ou1ll $e the one who is o)ten saying no to social in'itations and e'entually people will stop asking you. The reason this happens has nothing to do with not ha'ing enough ti%e+ it co%es down to not %aking it a priority to spend ti%e with people and a )ailure to appreciate how i%portant ti%e with good )riends is )or a happy li)e. The $usyness argu%ent is an e*cuse that is used to a'oid )acing up to the )act that you ha'e )ears and worries a$out getting to know people and you )eel %ore co%)orta$le a'oiding the issue. The pro$le% with this approach is that you $eco%e %ore isolated o'er ti%e and it then $eco%es e'en harder to $reak out o) your shell. An attitude change is essential+ unless you %ake it a priority to %eet )riends+ )riends o) )riends and new people each week it1ll rarely happen and only $y chance. With less practice at %aking con'ersation whate'er skills you ha'e will decline and it $eco%es e'en %ore di))icult to turn it around. 6o you )ail to %ake it a priority to %eet new people8 6o you lose touch with )riends $ecause you don1t initiate contact8 Could you start %aking happiness a priority $y socialiEing %ore with people you en,oy $eing with8 E*cessi'e alone ti%e Spending ti%e alone is great )or recharging and )or )inding the space to think+ and )or Buiet people it1s essential $ecause dealing with people all day at work and at ho%e can $e draining+ ti%e alone is the antidote to all o) that. 2owe'er e'en a good thing can go too )ar. 0) you spend too %uch ti%e alone you1ll e'entually )eel detached )ro% other people and )ro% li)e. Being alone is a )ra%e o) %ind that $eco%es co%)orta$le and relati'ely stress )ree so e'en the prospect o) socialiEing can see% like too %uch e))ort. 4or this reason 0 encourage you to ai% )or $alance. .otice how %uch alone ti%e you need and at what point it $eco%es destructi'e and a $arrier to li'ing a )ull li)e. E*cessi'e TK or internet usage can )all into this category too. 0) you are )ailing to ha'e regular and in depth )ace to )ace con'ersations with people $ecause you interact online you will ne'er de'elop great con'ersation skills. There is no su$stitute )or talking to people Lo))lineL out there in the real world with all the co%ple*ities+ issues and day to day realities that co%e with a )ace to )ace interaction. 6o you spend too %uch ti%e alone8 Could you ha'e %ore $alance $etween $eing alone and with others8 6o you %istake online interactions with the depth+ connection and challenges o) talking to new people o))line8 Procrastinating a$out %eeting people This is the )inal issue we need to address in this section. 0 a% re)erring to a negati'e ha$it o) putting things o)) when it co%es to seeing )riends or attending social e'ents. When we li'e like this we don1t e'en notice our a'oidance tendencies $ecause we are still saying yes to opportunities to %eet people $ut we si%ply procrastinate and %ake it so%eday $ut so%eday o)ten ne'er co%es.

0nstead we think we are socially acti'e and a good )riend $ut we1re ,ust too $usy right now. This again is a case o) not appreciating how i%portant hu%an interaction is )or your ongoing happiness. Spending ti%e with people who like you and care a$out you is essential )or your well $eing while %eeting like %inded people keeps you connected to all the ,oy+ 'ariety and wonder o) li)e. -i)e is richer+ $righter and %ore color)ul with great people to share the ,ourney. 2owe'er at ti%es apathy+ laEiness and su$tle )ears a$out talking to people can cause us to get into the ha$it o) putting o)) social engage%ents+ rescheduling the% until the other person can1t %ake it or %aking up e*cuses )or not turning up. The $est way to deal with this is $y $eing honest with yoursel)+ i) you want to go to a social e'ent %ake a de)inite co%%it%ent to your )riends and ai% to ne'er let the% down. 6on1t let social )ears get in the way o) en,oying the happiness and connection you ha'e with people you en,oy talking to. The sa%e applies to going to new places and 'isiting new 'enues / i) you want to go then do it $ut don1t procrastinate and pretend you really will go $ut not today. 6o you put o)) %eeting up with )riends8 6o you lose touch with people $ecause you are always too $usy to %eet8 6o you a'oid or postpone new e*periences $ecause o) ha'ing to deal with people8 0) you do+ could you )ace the )ear and go anyway instead o) hiding $ehind the )ear with procrastination8 9. Con'ersation 4ear Perhaps the %ost co%%on reason gi'en )or a'oiding people is what 0 like to call con'ersation )ear. @uiet people use this e*cuse all the ti%e not realiEing that apparently con)ident people also ha'e )ears to deal with+ the only di))erence $eing that %ore socially acti'e people $uild con)idence and learn to control )ear through practice+ trial and error+ and $y sheer deter%ination. Sensiti'e to criticis% ?) all the )ears that stop people speaking up )ear o) criticis% is pro$a$ly the %ost pre'alent. We )ear criticis% so we conclude itHs $etter not to say anything $ut un)ortunately when you don1t speak up you %ay $e criticiEed or ignored )or not speaking. So you see a certain le'el o) criticis% is una'oida$le+ the key is to decide how you handle it $ecause you cannot co%pletely a'oid people who will 'oice critical opinions o) you and your 'iewpoint. Ae%e%$er+ what others say %ay $e right or they %ay $e wrong so don1t auto%atically see all criticis% as 'alid and worth responding to with a ,usti)ication. Are you o'erly sensiti'e to criticis%8 6o you realiEe that e'eryone has to deal with criticis%8 Ae%e%$er to ask yoursel)F is this criticis% 'alid or in'alid8 4ear o) re,ection E'eryone can relate to the )ear o) re,ection. (es+ e'en those con)ident and success)ul people you ad%ire secretly worry a$out re,ection. 0t1s not a concern that1s e*clusi'e to Buieter people so regard this )ear as a nor%al characteristic we all share as part o) our $asic nature. A $etter way to look at %eeting people is to look )or %atches+ that is to look )or people you ha'e so%ething in co%%on with instead o) wanting to $e liked $y e'eryone. This one shi)t in attitude takes a lot o) pressure o)) and allows you to accept that there will $e %atches and non/%atches and it1s all per)ectly nor%al+ and as you i%pro'e your con'ersation skills you1ll ha'e %ore %atches+ e'en so+ ne'er e*pect #""M.

6o you )ear re,ection like e'eryone does8 Could you )ocus on )inding %atches instead8 Could you approach so%eone (who also )ears re,ection and $e good co%pany8 Poor selection o) social e'ents Poor e'ent selection is a way o) setting yoursel) up )or )ailure $e)ore you e'en open your %outh to introduce yoursel). 0) you ha$itually go to social gatherings where you know no one and you ha'e little or no interest in the acti'ity your starting point is likely to $e one o) $oredo%+ disinterest and an o$'ious lack o) connection with whoe'er you %eet. E'en 'ery skilled con'ersationalists will )ind such an en'iron%ent to $e challenging. Again+ $e kind to yoursel) and choose %ore care)ully when you ha'e a choice o) where to go and who to socialiEe with. Pursue your passions+ go to e'ents with your kind o) people and you1ll $e starting with your $est )oot )orward and an eagerness to talk to like %inded people a$out co%%on interests. 6o you o)ten go to e'ents you ha'e little interest in8 Could you %ake a point o) choosing e'ents you1d en,oy attending and trust you1ll %eet like %inded people with shared interests8 Could you see social gatherings in a positi'e light when you take charge o) what to attend and who to %eet8 Poor selection o) people This )inal issue is the %atter o) choosing the wrong targets. 0) you rando%ly approach and talk to anyone at a social e'ent you1ll get rando% and o)ten poor results when it co%es to getting a good con'ersation )lowing. Many people will do this when they )eel ner'ous and rush to talk to so%eone+ to talk to anyone+ rather than )eel sel)/conscious standing there alone in a crowded roo%. 0tHs )ar $etter to take a %o%ent to scan the roo%+ look at who is a'aila$le and choose the %ost likely $est %atch to talk to. i.e. so%eone who looks happy+ )riendly+ rela*ed and o) a si%ilar $ackground to you. When you $eco%e %ore selecti'e a$out who to talk to your success rate will i%pro'e dra%atically and o'er ti%e as your skills i%pro'e you1ll ha'e a wider range o) people you can con)idently approach. The key is to take charge o) the situation rather than hoping )or the $est and acting out o) )ear and ner'ousness. Ae%e%$er+ 'ery )ew people )eel co%pletely co%)orta$le approaching people they don1t know so don1t regard ner'es as a sign you are ine))ecti'e or )ailing. 0t1s per)ectly natural to )eel so%e e*cite%ent+ ,ust turn that into %o'e%ent $e)ore you get stuck to the spot and caught up in o'er analysis o) the situation. 0) you delay you1ll )ind so %any reasons not to approach so%eone that )ear will take o'er+ you1ll re'ert to talking to whoe'er is near$y and end up )orcing a con'ersation that has no )uture with so%eone who is a %is%atch )or you. 6o you o)ten a'oid approaching people and hope no one notices how awkward you )eel8 6o you know itHs per)ectly nor%al to ha'e ner'es+ e'en )or socially acti'e people8 Could you %ake a point o) choosing good potential %atches and )ocus on only approaching those people8 :. 4eeling 3nresource)ul When it co%es to %eeting people it is e*tre%ely i%portant to ensure you )eel at your $est howe'er there are a nu%$er o) negati'e ha$its that can %ake this di))icult to achie'e. E*pecting the worst What1s the $iggest di))erence $etween so%eone with an acti'e social li)e and so%eone who dreads heading out in the e'ening to %eet people8 ?)ten+ it1s a $ig di))erence in e*pectations. The outgoing

and socia$le person looks )orward to the e'ent+ thinks a$out what she1s going to wear+ talks to her )riends a$out the upco%ing e'ent and e*pects to ha'e a great ti%e+ she can hardly wait. ?n the other hand+ the Buiet person who o)ten a'oids social gatherings dreads the prospect o) the upco%ing e'ent+ doesn1t %ention it to anyone e*cept to co%plain a$out the incon'enience and e*pects to ha'e an unpleasant ti%e surrounded $y people she doesn1t really want to talk to. Clearly+ the $iggest di))erence is one o) attitude. The sa%e e'ent will $e approached and dealt with in two 'ery di))erent ways $y so%eone who looks )orward to it and $y so%eone who dreads it. ?)ten+ where it1s an option+ it1s $etter to skip e'ents you don1t want to attend $ut don1t pretend you donHt want to go $ecause o) )ear. 0) )ear is the issue it will not go away and %ay e'en get worse i) you don1t i%pro'e your social skills $y practicing. ?ne use)ul way o) preparing is $y deciding to )ind ways to en,oy the e'ent. Who would you like to %eet8 Any particular people or types o) people8 0s there anything you1d en,oy e*periencing+ learning or discussing8 Aeplaying past )ailures This is the ulti%ate way to con'ince yoursel) you ha'e poor social skills and that you1ll ne'er $e any good at dealing with people. 0n )act+ replaying past social )ailures again and again is the per)ect )or%ula )or culti'ating a )ear o) e%$arrass%ent and an all round sel)/consciousness that takes control o) your li)e. This is the opposite o) what socially con)ident people do+ they ha$itually replay success)ul encounters and operate )ro% the $elie) that they ha'e e*cellent social skills. They play down )ailures and %istakes as %inor and inconseBuential+ they learn )ro% the% $ut don1t dwell on the%. All you can do a$out past )ailures is look at the% o$,ecti'ely and ask yoursel)F what will you do di))erently in the )uture8 6ecide to learn )ro% those e*periences and then let go o) the sel)/ punish%ent which is helping no one $ut keeping you apart )ro% people who would en,oy getting to know you. 6o you tend to replay past social )ailures with attached e%otions8 Could you decide to learn )ro% the past and let go o) the utterly pointless sel)/punish%ent8 What will you do di))erently in si%ilar situations in the )uture8 .o e*it plan 0n any social interaction you need an e*it plan+ you need to know when and how to end the con'ersation and %ake a polite e*it. ?)ten+ socially ner'ous people neglect this and so when there is a lull in the con'ersation or the con'ersation has reached a natural conclusion they )orce the con'ersation+ get an*ious and wonder why they ha'e such poor con'ersation skills when in )act they were doing 'ery well until they got to that point. 0t takes tre%endous pressure o)) your shoulders when you know you can approach so%eone and talk )or a )ew %inutes to see i) you ha'e a good %atch and i) you don1t itHs per)ectly accepta$le to %o'e on and talk to so%eone else. So%e people don1t look at it like this and think i) they approach so%eone and don1t ha'e an engaging 9" %inute con'ersation they ha'e )ailed to $e accepted and liked. This is a recipe )or )ear o) re,ection+ )ear o) )ailure and sel)/consciousness.

6o what con)ident socially acti'e people do+ talk to a whole range o) people and accept that so%e interactions are short+ so%e are long+ and all you can do is chat and look )or good %atches. This outlook changes e'erything+ it %eans you ne'er again ha'e to worry a$out getting stuck in a $oring+ dead end con'ersation and you ne'er ha'e to stand there )eeling awkward wishing you could disappear into the )loor. 0nstead+ you can $e the director o) your own social li)e / choose who to talk to+ how long to talk and what to talk a$out. The key is deciding up)ront you ha'e an e*it and $eing ready to use it. 6o you tend to get stuck in dull con'ersations and wish there was a way out8 6o you o)ten let the other party end the con'ersation and hope it1ll end soon8 Could you instead know your e*it and use it whene'er you choose to8 -ack o) %otion Standing or sitting in one place )or the duration o) a social e'ent is a typical ha$it o) a Buiet person. 2e1ll get co%)orta$le in one spot and re)use to %o'e around the roo% $ecause he )eels sa)e and unthreatened in his corner o) the roo%. 2e then hopes he1ll %eet so%eone interesting who will take charge o) the con'ersation and let hi% o)) the hook so he won1t ha'e to initiate con'ersations with anyone else )or the duration o) the e'ent. The $ig challenge with this approach is that you1re hoping and waiting )or things to work out and not taking charge so you1ll o)ten end up stuck with so%eone who won1t stop talking or you1ll end up alone and $ored %aking s%all talk with whoe'er is near$y %erely out o) con'enience not $ecause you ha'e a good %atch. This is not what socially success)ul people do. 0nstead they circulate+ they %o'e around the 'enue )or the duration o) the e'ent+ they scan the group and look )or good %atches+ they then approach those people and %ake light con'ersation. 0) the con'ersation goes deeper and longer they soak it up+ i) not+ they %o'e on and talk to so%eone else. They acti'ely a'oid parts o) the roo% where people appear $ored+ li)eless and disinterested. 0n other words+ they proacti'ely go to the people %ost likely to engage in an en,oya$le con'ersation. So+ you can see why selecting the right people to talk to is %ore i%portant than ha'ing so%ething to talk a$out / you can $ring a horse to water $ut you canHt %ake hi% drinkD 6o you tend to ca%p out in one location when you socialiEe8 6o you now see how that li%its the ease and success you1ll ha'e )inding good %atches )or )ree )lowing con'ersation8 Could you in )uture circulate %ore and )ocus on %eeting good %atches )or con'ersations8 <. -i%ited ?pportunities )or Practice When it co%es to con'ersation skills people with scope )or i%pro'e%ent o)ten share the sa%e pro$le%+ they si%ply donHt get enough practice and without %ore ti%e spent %eeting people it is 'ery di))icult to get $etter. -etHs look at what you can do a$out this. Aarely %eet new people 0) you can relate to the points 01'e %ade already it1s highly likely you a'oid %eeting new people or at the 'ery least don1t %ake a point o) %eeting new people each week. Again+ this is the opposite o) what people with good social skills do. And+ not surprisingly there is a natural conseBuence to this ha$it / people who rarely %eet new people ha'e less practice %aintaining and i%pro'ing social skills while socially acti'e people %aintain a high degree o) skill and a high degree o) con)idence

and readiness to socialiEe with )riends and strangers alike. ?'er %any years this results in one person $eing shy+ cautious and unsure o) what to say while another is con)ident+ outgoing and liked $y a wide range o) people $ecause o) how easy it is to talk to hi%. 0) you tend to keep to yoursel) and your s%all network o) )riends and )a%ily you1ll $e sa)e and co%)orta$le in your own world $ut you1ll ne'er ha'e su))icient opportunities to practice and de'elop your social skills and you won1t ha'e enough chance encounters to %eet good %atches+ people you can $uild li)e long )riendships with. So+ the solution to great con'ersation skills is Buiet o$'ious when you look at it like this+ you need to regard %eeting new people as a positi'e e*perienceF a way to %eet %atches and a way to de'elop your social skills $ased on a sel)/ con)idence that1s unshakea$le $ecause it1s $ased on skills not pretense. 6o you a'oid %eeting new people8 2ow will you i%pro'e your con'ersation skills without practicing8 Could you 'iew %eeting people as the way to gradually de'eloping con)idence8 Sticking with )riends A related ha$it is sticking to what you know and who you know. While it1s great to ha'e an esta$lished group o) close )riends and )a%iliar places you en,oy it can $eco%e so co%)orta$le that you choose to a'oid 'isiting new places whether that $e di))erent social 'enues+ towns and cities+ or e'en countries. ?'er ti%e you can $eco%e o'erly cautious and set in your ways+ this creeping nor%ality then $eco%es the only way you li'e / you only go to a narrow range o) places+ and ha'e the sa%e con'ersations with the sa%e group o) people. While this is 'ery co%)orta$le and )a%iliar it can also %ean you are stuck in a rut. 0) you want to e*pand your social li)e and culti'ate social skills and con)idence there is no a'oiding the reality o) what needs to $e done / you need to sacri)ice so%e o) that esta$lished routine with the sa%e )riends and open your eyes to new places to go and new people to talk to. At )irst+ this can see% daunting so it1s $est to %ake the changes slowly and gradually. May$e 'isit a new ca)e or a new restaurant with a good )riend ,ust to change your typical routine. Then+ another ti%e you %ight sign up )or an adult education course to learn a new skill you are interested in as well as to %eet new people. Start s%all+ %aintain your e*isting social circle+ and o'er ti%e proacti'ely do new things to %eet new people and you1ll )ind you get used to ha'ing new e*periences to look )orward to and e'entually you1ll )ind it e*hilarating rather than ner'e wracking. 6o you spend %ost or all o) your )ree ti%e in the security o) your esta$lished social circle and routine8 6o you see how you are li%iting the possi$ilities o) %eeting new people8 Will you %ake a point o) going to new places to %eet new people either with or without a )riend to tag along8 A'oid new places While 0 touched on this issue in the last section 0 want to co'er this in %ore detail $ecause sticking with the )a%iliar is a typical ha$it o) the shy and socially ti%id. When you get into an esta$lished routine and only go to certain stores+ ca)es+ restaurants and only 'acation in certain destinations or types o) resort li)e can see% 'ery co%)orta$le and sa)e $ut inad'ertently you1re weakening your a$ility to handle no'elty and you1re losing your natural a$ility to handle new situations and new people. 4or this reason it1s i%portant )or anyone looking to de'elop great social skills to %i* it up a little.

7et in the ha$it o) ha'ing new e*periences in your li)e on a weekly $asis. (ou don1t ha'e to go it alone either+ take a )riend or partner with you $ut do %ake a point o) getting used to e*periencing and adapting to new situations and people. When you do+ youHll $eco%e %ore )le*i$le in how you deal with people and %ore open to positi'e new encounters+ youHll lose rigid ideas a$out how people should $eha'e and it gets easier and easier to adapt to whate'er crops up during a con'ersation. Again+ it should $e no surprise that this is e*actly what socially con)ident people do+ they get way %ore practice than a shy person and that1s the %ain reason why they ha'e such good people skills. There1s nothing %agical a$out it and thank)ully you can copy their approach and i%pro'e your con'ersation skills little $y little and e'en ha'e a lot o) )un going to new places and doing new things at the sa%e ti%e. 6o you tend to stick to your routine and a'oid 'isiting new places8 Could you %ake a point o) introducing %ore 'ariety into your li)e8 Could you treat practice as essential to $uilding good social skills8 =. -i%ited Aange o) Con'ersation Topics This is a classic pro$le% )or people who tend to get tongue tied when they %eet people. They si%ply donHt ha'e a wide enough range o) topics to e*plore $ut there is so%ething that can $e done a$out this. Aead on... .arrow range o) interests People with 'ery little to talk a$out usually %ake the sa%e )unda%ental %istake that has nothing to do directly with their con'ersation skills yet it stops con'ersation dead in its tracks. 0t1s the o'er )ocus on a li%ited nu%$er o) interests that %eans only a narrow range o) people can engage with you. This can happen innocently enough )or people who are especially passionate a$out their %ain interests $ut it causes pro$le%s that can1t $e resol'ed $y learning strategies )or %aking con'ersation $ecause there is no underlying %aterial to use to %ake con'ersation. To i%%ediately e*pand your range o) con'ersation possi$ilities it1s i%portant to $e %ore )ocused on what other people en,oy talking a$out. 4ollow pop culture+ read %ainstrea% )iction+ go to popular %o'ies and stay up to date with the current issues %ost people are talking a$out. 6o this+ not $ecause you are especially interested $ut $ecause it %akes you easier to talk to and it %akes it %uch easier )or you to interact with a )ar wider range o) people. This is a$out $eing generous and a %ore rounded con'ersationalist who can en,oy spending ti%e with people instead o) $eing the odd one out who cannot relate to other people. 6o you ignore %ainstrea% interests and current issues that people discuss8 6o you )ocus al%ost e*clusi'ely on what interests you8 Could you $e %ore generous and choose to know a little a$out what others like to talk a$out. .ot up to date with local happenings This )actor is related to the pre'ious point a$out a general lack o) interest in what others like to discuss. The )act is %ost people pay attention to and like to talk a$out what is happening in their co%%unity. They want to know a$out upco%ing e'ents+ local news and changes in their local area. 0) you ignore what is happening where you li'e and neglect to stay up to date you lose another great way to connect with people.

(ou %ight again decide that you1re not that interested $ut that is not the point+ the point is e'eryone else is interested in what is going on in the co%%unity. Again+ this is a$out choosing to know a little a$out what others )ind interesting. This is not a$out thinking only a$out your narrow range o) interests that e*cludes %ost people )ro% talking to you and getting to know you. 0) you pay attention to how socially success)ul people interact you1ll see that they can talk a$out a wide range o) topics $ecause they care a$out getting to know people+ they %ay ha'e li%ited interest in a particular topic $ut that1s not the point+ the point is they choose to $e )le*i$le a$out what they can and will talk a$out so that they can talk to ,ust a$out anyone. (ou can choose to do the sa%e. 6o you pay little attention to local happenings8 Can you talk a$out a wide range o) local issues8 Could you choose to $e $etter in)or%ed on local %atters so you can ha'e a ready supply o) con'ersation topics8 -ack o) curiosity This is a key issue )or people who get ner'ous a$out %eeting new people and wonder a$out what to say. They think too %uch a$out what to say and how to say it when the real goal is to get to know so%eone or get to know so%eone $etter. The con'ersation is a %eans to an end not the end itsel). 0) the goal o) a con'ersation is to get to know so%eone then esta$lishing a connection is what it1s all a$out. To do this you need to know and like whoe'er you are talking to and this in turn is dri'en $y curiosity. When you want to know so%eone1s opinions+ )eelings and perspecti'e that curiosity dri'es the con'ersation and %akes the connection happen. And this is why a general curiosity )or people is 'ery help)ul. 0) you don1t care what so%eone thinks and ha'e little interest in their 'iewpoint this will $e 'ery o$'ious to the%+ it will %ake the% slow to share their opinions and Buick to end the con'ersation. 0t creates the per)ect en'iron%ent )or awkward silences+ %isunderstandings and a )ailure to listen. This is a case o) a lack o) curiosity gi'ing way to a $reakdown. 6o you lack an interest in )inding out what people think and ha'e to say a$out issues you discuss8 Could you not care less what so%eone is really like8 Could you decide to $e %ore curious a$out what %akes people tick8 Slow to share opinions @uiet people are o)ten hesitant to share their )eelings and opinions $ecause they )ear criticis%+ although this is understanda$le it creates a $igger and %ore i%%ediate pro$le%. When you don1t share a little a$out yoursel) you pre'ent the other person )ro% getting to know you and you %ake it hard )or the% to %o'e the con'ersation along onto topics o) %utual interest $ecause you are not )eeding the% any clues and pointers as to what you are interested in and like talking a$out. This also %akes it hard )or people to connect with you and to relate to you as the uniBue person you are $ehind the care)ully constructed $ut unintentionally $land )acade you1'e care)ully constructed. The key is to share a little a$out who you are and what you en,oy+ nothing too personal+ ,ust enough to help e'eryone in the con'ersation to esta$lish co%%on interests and e*periences that can $eco%e the $asis o) an engaging con'ersation. With a little practice you1ll see the positi'e i%pact a little personal disclosure %akes possi$le.

Socially acti'e people are the per)ect role %odel )or this $eha'ior+ they always ha'e personal stories and anecdotes to share )or entertain%ent purposes and to let people get to know the%. This one )actor changes e'erything as people see you as a three di%ensional person they can relate to. 6o people )ind it hard to get to know you8 Are you slow to share personal in)or%ation8 Could you %ake a point o) sharing opinions and thoughts that allow people to get to know you8 >. Aeacti'e Beha'ior @uiet people ha$itually let others take charge+ they get so used to reacting to what e'eryone else is saying that they )orget they can choose to $e %ore asserti'e and to lead the con'ersation. This is an i%portant skill to learn. .e'er initiate gatherings This is a classic ha$it o) people who ha'e an a'ersion to socialiEing+ they rarely i) e'er arrange get togethers with )riends+ they don1t $ring the party to their ho%e and they don1t arrange a lot o) group acti'ities. They tend to go along with what has already $een organiEed $y their )riends e'en i) they1d pre)er to do so%ething di))erent+ they don1t speak up and suggest alternati'es and instead passi'ely )ollow along with e'eryone else. Then they get agitated or see% disinterested $ecause they are in )act $ored and don1t en,oy the gathering $ecause it1s not what they really wanted to do. Popular people on the other hand do the 'ery opposite. They decide what they1d like to do and )ind so%e )riends who would en,oy the sa%e acti'ity. This way the instigator knows he will ha'e a good ti%e and looks )orward to the e'ent+ socialiEing $eco%es )un and he wants to do %ore o) it not a'oid it. The key is to so%eti%es $e the one who takes charge and leads e'eryone else+ $y doing this you get to $e the one who designs the day out or e'ening with )riends+ once you get the hang o) this you1ll see socialiEing as the high point o) the week not as a series o) $oring e'ents you1d rather %iss. 6o you tend to $e reacti'e a$out %eeting )riends8 6o you rarely organiEe social gatherings8 Could you decide to $e %ore proacti'e a$out dri'ing your social li)e8 Aarely approach new people Another classic reacti'e pattern is the tendency to rarely i) e'er approach people. I?nly speak when spoken toJ %ay or %ay not ha'e sounded like a good %otto when we were children $ut as adults i) e'eryone does that no one would e'er talk to anyone. This waiting and hoping so%eone else will take the initiati'e has a nu%$er o) pit)alls. 0t %eans you can potentially get stuck in dull con'ersations with people you don1t really want to talk to si%ply $ecause they approached you and you are una$le+ $ecause o) )ear+ to slide away to approach and talk to so%eone else. When con)ident socialiEers look around a roo% they see possi$ility+ they look )or interesting and )riendly people to talk to and they Buickly %o'e on o'er there to speak to that person that caught their eye. But you %iss out on the $est con'ersations when you play a passi'e role and hope so%eone else will take the lead. 0) you1re lucky you1ll end up talking to so%eone interesting+ i) you1re not+ you1ll end up alone or stuck with people you don1t want to spend %uch ti%e with. Bear in %ind+ con'ersation skills are secondary+ who you talk to is %ore i%portant when it co%es to ha'ing a great con'ersation.

0) you choose easy targets+ people who appear happy and rela*ed+ it1s %uch easier than you think to %eet new people. A'oid the clearly stern or di))icult people and you1ll rarely ha'e to deal with the night%are scenarios you %ight so%eti%es worry a$out. 6o you rarely start con'ersations with people you don1t know8 Are you interested in %eeting )riendly people8 Could you decide to selecti'ely approach apparently happy people8 Always waiting )or the right %o%ent Another co%%on issue that arises with a passi'e approach to %eeting people is that you spend your li)e waiting and hoping instead o) doing what you1d really like to $e doing. This is a 'ery li%ited e*perience o) li)e+ you stop asking yoursel) what you want and si%ply wait to see what shows up. There are %any pro$le%s with this approach and typically it %eans you end up getting in'ol'ed in social acti'ities you don1t want to attend+ you socialiEe with people you don1t want to %eet and so you o)ten )eel $ored and dissatis)ied. (ou then start to a'oid opportunities to socialiEe and arri'e at the %istaken conclusion that you don1t en,oy %eeting people at all when this is in )act incorrect. The only pro$le%atic issue here is one o) passi'ity. (ou need instead to decide what you want and go )or it. Who do you want to spend ti%e with and what acti'ities would you en,oy8 Would you like to %eet new people with co%%on interests and 'alues8 Where would this happen8 .ot surprisingly+ this is e*actly what people with acti'e social li'es do+ they )ocus on acti'ities they en,oy with people they en,oy talking to. Clearly+ taking charge is the key. Aeluctance to take control ?ne )inal draw$ack o) the reacti'e approach to interacting with people is the tendency to not control and direct the con'ersation. @uiet people o)ten let others take charge and end up talking a$out whate'er e'eryone else wants to discuss+ you then end up $eing pushed one way and then another $ased on the whi%s o) whoe'er is dri'ing the con'ersation. As a Buiet person you %ay o)ten )eel $ored and unappreciated in con'ersation+ you wonder why you $other to %eet people and you )eel dissatis)ied and ready to go ho%e to do so%ething %ore en,oya$le. This is co%pletely understanda$le $ut the pro$le% is one o) attitude rather than ,ust poor con'ersation techniBue. When you are acti'ely in'ol'ed in a con'ersation you ha'e a choice+ let the other person take charge and react to whate'er happens or decide to $e proacti'e and dri'e the con'ersation. This is a slight shi)t in attitude $ut the conseBuences are signi)icant. With this new outlook you can choose to introduce new topics+ change the direction o) the con'ersation and e'en end it i) you pre)er. When you are proacti'e you1ll $e %ore energetic and %ore engaged in the con'ersation as an acti'e participant rather than as a sounding $oard. (ou1ll get to choose topics o) interest to you and you1ll ha'e the satis)action that co%es )ro% creating a %utually en,oya$le con'ersation with your co%panion. 6o you ha$itually let other people take charge o) the con'ersation8 Would you like to talk %ore a$out what interests you8 Could you %ake a point o) $eing %ore proacti'e so all parties can en,oy a %utually satis)ying interaction8 ;. Ti%id -i)estyle

?'er ti%e %any people $eco%e cautious and stuck in their own ways+ they get used to $eing on the outside+ close to the action $ut ne'er in the thick o) things. ?)ten+ shyness takes o'er and lea'es the% dri'en $y )ear and dou$t. This is a lingering pro$le% we need to address head on. Aarely attend group e'ents A ti%id li)estyle o)ten starts in an innocent way+ you say no to an in'itation to a party+ you1re too $usy to attend a gathering and $e)ore long you rarely get in'ited anywhere $ut not $ecause people don1t like you $ut $ecause they see that you1re reluctant to %eet people and you pre)er to a'oid crowds. What happens ne*t can $e a %uch $igger pro$le%+ you1re out o) the loop so you no longer hear a$out what e'ents are happening and you gradually $eco%e isolated. When this happens it can see% like a di))icult and 'ery stress)ul ordeal to get in'ol'ed again in your social circles. So%eti%es it1s good to go to social e'ents to stay in touch in people e'en when you ha'e so%e reser'ations $ased on social )ears. Stay socially acti'e so that you don1t lose your connections with your current )riends or lose the opportunity to %eet %ore like %inded people. Ae%e%$er+ the social acti'ity is not the pri%ary )unction o) the e'ent+ the %ain reason to attend is to $e part o) the social scene+ to see other people and to $e seen $y the%+ to $e in the right place at the right ti%e to hear a$out other e'ents that %ay suit you $etter. ?) course 0 still $elie'e it1s good to $e selecti'e and choose e'ents you1ll en,oy ,ust $e sure you don1t go to an e*tre%e and say no to %ost opportunities to %eet people. That can $e a case o) )ear %aking the decision with I0H% too $usyDJ gi'en as the e*cuse )or not going. 6o you o)ten say no to social e'ents8 6o you a'oid large group gatherings8 Could you decide to $e %ore socially acti'e to stay in the loop8 2a$itual patterns o) socialiEing Although %ost people do it+ spending your )ree ti%e with the sa%e people and only going to the sa%e places can $e a dead end. 0) you en,oy 'ariety and new e*periences %ake sure to take control and suggest new 'enues+ new acti'ities and new places to 'isit. That e*cite%ent alone can $e enough to ignite great con'ersations with e'eryone enthusiastic a$out the new sights and sounds. This is a great $asis )or suggesting )urther e*cursions and )or planning ahead )or )riends and )a%ily to ,oin you. The sa%e applies to the people you spend your ti%e with. 0nstead o) waiting and hoping to %eet new and like %inded people why not get your )riends to in'ite their )riends along to ,oin your acti'ities8 This is another si%ple way to $reak out o) the rut o) always doing the sa%e things with the sa%e people. 6o you get $ored o) the routine o) only seeing the sa%e people8 6o you cra'e %ore 'ariety in where you go and what you do in your )ree ti%e8 Could you take charge o) going to new places and %eeting new people $y leading your )riends8 A'oiding the new and unknown

0n an earlier section 0 talked a$out the i%portance o) seeing new places and doing new things as a way o) de'eloping )le*i$ility and the a$ility to adapt to new situations and people. .ow+ 0 want to address the )ear that underlies a'oiding the new and unknown. @uiet people 'ery o)ten a'oid the new and unknown $ecause they )eel sa)e in their day to day routine. There are less people challenges to deal with and they can a'oid dealing with people they don1t know i) they stay sa)e in their own world. This see%s like the co%)orta$le choice $ut again it1s )ear o) people that is %aking the decision and your world gets s%aller and Buieter the %ore you listen to the )ear. Plus+ the %ore you stick to your esta$lished routine+ the harder it $eco%es to try new things and to %eet new people. What was once a little unco%)orta$le at ti%es can o'er ti%e see% like a huge and insur%ounta$le challenge that you can1t deal with. 4or this reason it1s good to realiEe that the long ter% conseBuences o) a'oiding change+ new e*periences and new people can $e )ar %ore serious than dealing with the trial and error that is needed when interacting in the real world. 4eelings o) isolation and not $eing understood will $eco%e co%%on place i) you )ail to e%$race opportunities to en,oy the new and the possi$ility o) %eeting people you can connect with. 0n contrast+ popular people acti'ely seek out new e*periences+ new 'enues and new people. Those socially con)ident people you see also ha'e )ears o) re,ection and e%$arrass%ent to deal with $ut it doesn1t stop the% getting out there to %eet people. The only di))erence is their deter%ination to )ocus on the positi'es that out weight any awkwardness they %ay )eel )ro% ti%e to ti%e. 6o you a'oid new e*periences $ecause you don1t know what to e*pect8 6o you let con'ersation )ear o'erride the possi$ility o) %eeting great people8 Could you decide to take s%all risks in opening up to new e*periences and new people8 .e'er lead the group @uiet people rarely i) e'er lead the social group. They pre)er to stay in the $ackground+ agree with the consensus opinion and do anything to a'oid rocking the $oat. This is not a $ad course o) action %ost o) the ti%e $ut i) you ne'er e*press your own opinions and ne'er+ e'er lead the group then you %ay $eco%e taken )or granted. (ou $eco%e so%eone who e'eryone can count on to go along with the group+ which is good+ $ut at the sa%e ti%e your o$,ections or 'oice is rarely heard or acknowledged $y the other %e%$ers o) your social circle. This is not a situation that allows you to e*press yoursel) or )eel 'alued and appreciated )or your uniBue input. 2owe'er you can %ake s%all changes o'er ti%e to $eco%e a %ore in'ol'ed and respected %e%$er o) the group. Start $y e*pressing your opinion %ore o)ten+ speak up %ore than you ha'e in the past on %inor issues o) discussion and especially regarding %atters you ha'e knowledge and e*perience o). ?nce your )riends ha'e ad,usted to your newly e*pressi'e and %ore in'ol'ed persona you can occasionally lead the group+ again+ on %inor %atters. At this point you %ight $e co%)orta$le with the progress you ha'e %ade now that you are a %ore acti'e and leading %e%$er o) your social circle. 0) that is the case it1s per)ectly accepta$le to settle into that new role+ rela* and en,oy ti%e with your )riends. Whate'er you do+ don1t push to $e %ore o) a leader and dri'er o) the group than you want to $e+ )ind a $alance $etween $eing in'ol'ed and suiting your Buiet personality.

6o you tend to take the $ack seat and let )riends take charge8 6o you )eel ignored and unappreciated8 Could you gradually get %ore in'ol'ed+ speak up %ore and contri$ute %ore8 #". 0nadeBuate Preparation Socially acti'e people turn up ready to ha'e a good ti%e when they attend a social e'ent+ they dress well+ ha'e plenty to talk a$out and they are in a good state o) %ind )or %eeting people. This is o)ten the co%plete opposite o) what socially awkward people do+ they ,ust turn up and hope )or the $est and then wonder why they get stuck )or words. 0t doesnHt ha'e to $e like this. -ack o) con'ersation topics A lot o) what we ha'e co'ered already leads us to the o$'ious $ut o'erlooked conclusion that Buiet people get less practice %eeting people and o)ten turn up unprepared to discuss a wide range o) topic with the people they do end up talking to. And this is why 0 stressed the i%portance earlier o) taking a di))erent 'iew o) what a con'ersation is a$out / %aking con'ersation with so%eone you don1t know is all a$out disco'ering i) this person is a good %atch+ a potential long ter% )riend. With this is %ind you need to prepare )or con'ersation $e)ore the social e'ent rather than hoping to wing it when you1re tense and ner'ous at the gathering. Pro)essionals are known )or putting the ti%e in when it co%es to preparation+ a dancer will practice )or %onths )or a two hour per)or%ance+ an actor will %e%oriEe lines and rehearse )or %onths $e)ore appearing on stage. When you see the stars per)or% in )ront o) the ca%era it looks like %agic+ they are so talented+ they ,ust turn up and daEEle e'eryone with their per)or%ance. What you don1t see is the dedication to practice and the dedication to e*tensi'e and co%prehensi'e preparation $e)ore a $ig e'ent. There is a lesson in this )or all o) us+ to i%pro'e and to e*cel we need to practice and we %ust prepare $e)ore the pressure o) the %o%ent kicks in. 0) you1ll %ake a point o) ha'ing a ready supply o) current topic to discuss and i) you1ll practice at ho%e $e)ore you go out to socialiEe you1ll get $etter and $etter o'er ti%e. 6o you o)ten )ind yoursel) on the spot with no idea o) what to talk a$out8 Could you %ake a point o) $eing current on a wide range o) topics8 Could you decide to always prepare $e)ore going to a social gathering8 3nprepared )or %eeting people 0) you turn up at a gathering and hope )or the $est it is %uch %ore stress)ul than turning up knowing what to e*pect. 0) you are o)ten ner'ous a$out social e'ents+ you could research the e'ent $e)orehand. 4ind out what the 'enue looks like and as %uch as possi$le a$out the show+ per)or%ance or e'ent. The %ore in)or%ed you are the %ore you1ll know what to e*pect and the less an*iety you1ll ha'e a$out walking into the unknown. 0t1s also good to anticipate the crowd you1ll $e part o). Consider who you know who is attendingF )riends+ )riends o) )riends and the type o) people you1ll %eet. This in)or%ation will then guide your preparation so youHll ha'e interesting and suita$le con'ersation topics to lead with. The %ore you prepare $y re%o'ing uncertainty and dou$t a$out the kind o) people you1ll %eet the %ore co%)orta$le you1ll $e a$out %eeting people.

6o you usually worry a$out %eeting people at social e'ents8 6o you )eel out o) control o) what will happen8 Could you decide to $e aware o) who and what kind o) people you1ll %eet $e)ore going to an e'ent8 What do they like to talk a$out8 Poor dress sense While we ha'e )ocused on attitude and interactions so )ar it is i%portant to %ention how i%portant it is to dress appropriately and well when %eeting people. Although we %ight so%eti%es )orget+ the clothes you wear a))ect how you )eel a$out yoursel) and can $oost or lower your sel)/con)idence. We1'e all had the e*perience o) wearing an ite% o) clothing we a$solutely lo'e and )eeling )antastic e'ery ti%e we wear it. When it co%es to how you dress you want to %ake it your goal to look your $est and )eel at your $est. (ou want to a'oid wearing anything that %akes you )eel sel)/conscious $ecause o) the )it or the un)lattering nature o) the gar%ent. 0nstead+ o'er ti%e )ill your wardro$e with clothes that suit you and $oost your con)idence. 6ressing well also has other $ene)its. (ou1ll recei'e co%pli%ents )ro% people you %eet+ your posture will $e $etter and people will take you %ore seriously. (ou1ll $e listened to %ore and your opinion respected %ore si%ply $ecause you dress well. 4or these reasons it1s i%portant not to take )or granted the i%portance o) dressing )or con'ersation success. 6o you o)ten dress )or co%)ort rather than to %ake a good i%pression8 6o you neglect to dress in a way that $oosts your con)idence8 Could you include dressing well as part o) your preparation )or success)ul socialiEing8 Physical co%)ort o'erlooked Meeting new people can $e stress)ul enough so we want to do e'erything we can to %ini%iEe other stressors that add to our ner'es and worries a$out socialiEing. ConseBuently it1s ad'isa$le to eat well+ get su))icient rest and a'oid last %inute rushing when you ha'e an i%portant and i%%inent social )unction to attend. (ou want to $e physically strong and %entally cal%+ that way you can )ocus on con'ersation without the e*tra ner'es that a tired $ody can add to the %i*. 0) you en,oy e*ercise+ working out is a great way to sti%ulate and then rela* your $ody while gi'ing you a cal% %ind. Staying )it and healthy will gi'e you the energy you need to en,oy socialiEing+ to $e co%pletely present with people and the %ental )le*i$ility to adapt to a wide 'ariety o) people and topics. 4or people who practice %editation+ %editating is one o) the $est ways to cal% your %ind $e)ore getting in'ol'ed in a situation that in'ol'es so%e stress. E'en twenty %inutes o) %editation $e)ore %eeting people will dra%atically reduce the tension you )eel and gi'e you the %ental clarity to en,oy the %o%ent instead o) o'er thinking all the things that could go wrong. 6o you get an*ious and ner'ous when %eeting people8 6o you tend to o'erlook the role the $ody has in raising or lowering situational stress8 Could you in )uture get your $ody on your side to ensure greater sel)/con)idence and less ner'es8 WeH'e now reached the end o) this $reakdown o) the ten negati'e ha$its that li%it con'ersation skills. Make sure to read through this section again and de'ise a plan o) action to %ake changes in those areas where you ha'e scope )or i%pro'e%ent. Ai% )or gradual $ut consistent progress and youHll surprise yoursel) at how Buickly your con'ersation skills will i%pro'e.

&&& Part ! / Con'ersation Skills Tips and Strategies

What is the $est way to approach so%eone and start a con'ersation8 That is the $ig Buestion 0 a% asked again and again. So%eti%es people ask %e to pro'ide a script that will always work in e'ery situation. 0C% sorry 0 donCt ha'e a %agic wand that can grant you this wish. 0 can howe'er share so%e )unda%ental principles that do work e'ery single ti%e. ?nce you ha'e %astered these )unda%entals you will $e rela*ed and creati'e enough to start a con'ersation with ease e'en with a wide range o) di))erent people. 0 disco'ered these )unda%entals a)ter years o) trial and error )ollowed $y )ascinating ti%es o$ser'ing and learning )ro% true %asters / those people who can happily approach anyone with a $ig s%ile without a %o%ents hesitation. &&& 2ow to Approach So%eone to Start a Con'ersation #. 6ecide to like people 3nless people gi'e you a reason not to+ assu%e that anyone you %eet is lika$le and worth talking to. Popular people genuinely lo'e %eeting people. They en,oy getting to know new people and their de)ault setting isF L0 lo'e %eeting peopleL. Kery o)ten shy people assu%e others do not want to talk to the% or that they will $e criticiEed when they share their thoughts and )eelings. 0n other words shy people o)ten paint such a negati'e picture o) others that it $eco%es al%ost i%possi$le to approach anyone. .otice what is happening here. The reser'ed person is starting )ro% a L0 donCt like people in case they donCt like %eL point o) 'iew. This negati'e outlook creates a $arrier that stops anyone )ro% starting a con'ersation / you or the other person. Popular people start o)) with a 'ery di))erent outlook / L0 like you unless you gi'e %e a reason not to like youDL !. Know that your happiness does not depend on how so%eone else responds (our happiness is entirely under your control. 0t does not depend on whether so%eone else is responsi'e to you. (ou %ight think you will )eel terri$le i) people aren1t keen to get to know you. That is $ased on a )alse assu%ption / you assu%e happiness is a$out what happens outside o) you $ut it1s not. Whether you are happy or not is a Buestion o) how you think and )eel and has nothing to do with the reactions o) others unless you decide to li'e with that )alse $elie).

0) you approach so%eone and you get a negati'e response it can only %ean one o) two possi$ilities. 4irst+ you need to i%pro'e your approach+ and+ second+ that person is not interested in getting to know you right now in this %o%ent. And that could $e )or %any reasons that ha'e nothing to do with who you are. 6ecide that you are happy whether or not so%eone else is rude+ ha'ing a $ad day or too tired or hungry to spend ti%e getting to know you. See that happiness starts with your own attitude and that its not dependent on the reaction o) so%eone you ha'e ne'er %eet $e)ore. 5. Know the response you want and ad,ust your approach until you get it This )ollows on )ro% the points a$o'e. Always $e o$,ecti'e a$out how you are doing. .e'er take )ailure personally+ ne'er take set $acks in a social setting as e'idence that you are not worth talking to. 0%agine you are a neutral o$ser'er. What does this person see8 What would he suggest to help you i%pro'e your approach8 .otice what you are doing well and use that as the $asis )or ongoing i%pro'e%ent. 0) you want people to s%ile and laugh and it1s not happening its ti%e to change your approach. ?$,ecti'ely re'iew what you ha'e $een doing and then )ind a role %odel i) you still do not know a $etter way to get a positi'e reaction. 4ind so%eone who always has people s%iling and laughing. Then 'iew his approach as a step $y step process to copy. (ou can always o$ser'e popular people and notice what they are doing di))erently to you. Copy what works and you will do %uch $etter when %eeting people. 3se an e))ecti'e approach and youCll $e e))ecti'eD 9. 4orget a$out #""M success When 0 )irst started getting %uch $etter at %eeting people 0 had 'ery high standards )or how well 0 should do. And ha'ing a positi'e high e*pectations outlook is great. That is+ as long as you know you will ne'er hit per)ection. There is this )antasy in sel) help that you can disco'er the one key approach that works e'ery ti%e in e'ery situation with no e))ort whatsoe'er on you part. 0) you get that youCll en,oy #""M success while li'ing in a state o) $liss that ne'er lea'es youD 0) this was true we would )ind e'idence o) it in the real world. May$e i) we looked at the li'es o) the %ost $rilliant people to e'er walk this earth we could learn this %agical secret. 3n)ortunately the li'es o) the great leaders+ creati'es and geniuses o) the past show us that not e'en they en,oyed #""M success. ThatCs why 0C% saying to you to )orget a$out #""M success. Ai% to always i%pro'e and to en,oy seeing how good you can get $ut )orget a$out hitting #""M. This attitude o) always i%pro'ing without de%anding per)ection %eans you are under %uch less pressure when you approach and %eet people. -ess pressure %eans less tension and when you rela* youCll do %uch $etter. 4inally+ i) your goal is to do your $est and to i%pro'e you know you will succeed in learning so%ething. See how a change in attitude %eans you canCt go wrong approaching people8 (ou either do great or you learn so%ething that helps you $eco%e great. &&&

; 7reat Ways to Con)idently Approach Anyone 0) you are not con)ident $y nature the si%ple task o) starting a con'ersation with so%eone new is enough to start the heart racingD (es+ you read it correctlyD Cold sweats+ heart palpitations+ shaking and stuttering are ,ust so%e o) the e))ects that the )aint/hearted can $e )aced with whilst starting a con'ersation. This can all $e a'oided $y )ollowing these si%ple yet e))ecti'e tips to help your con)idence soar. #. Shyness doesn1t pay. Being ti%id and shying away a%ongst the crowd really doesn1t pay o)) these days. While sitting a%ongst your )riends and listening to their con'ersations+ teach yoursel) to not only $e a listener $ut to participate %ore. !. Make sure that you contri$ute and o))er your response to the con'ersation. By doing this you will in ti%e gain con)idence to start con'ersation topics with strangers+ not ,ust with those you are )a%iliar with. 5. Preparation is the keyD ?ne o) the Bualities that %ake a great pu$lic speaker is the si%ple yet e))ecti'e a$ility to $e listened toD While alone stand in )ront o) the %irror+ practice speaking+ stand straight and tall+ and talk at a good 'olu%e (not shouting . 9. An asserti'e 'oice o) authority will help to draw people to listen to you. 0n )act they won1t ha'e the choice not toD :. Make all eyes on youD 0) the person that you wish to start a con'ersation with has their $ack to you+ don1t wait )or the% to turn aroundF say their na%e or say hello to help draw their attention. By doing this you will help to get the% listening to you. (ou will appear con)ident (e'en i) inside you ha'e $utter)lies D <. Ae'ise $e)orehandD / 0 don1t %ean turn into a nerd+ you don1t ha'e to write it down and take a pen to paper. 2owe'er you can si%ply ha'e a %ap o) your thoughts in your head+ with the topic o) con'ersation clearly planned out. Then on opening your %outh the words will )low+ you won1t $e stuck in a %ess o) thoughts and ideas and you will $e a$le to take the con'ersation ,ust where you want it to goD =. Co%%unication is a (ESD -earn to understand that the 'ery way that you co%%unicate with people will $e the deciding )actor o) ,ust how success)ul you will $e in this li)e. 3se e'ery interaction as an opportunity to i%pro'e. The 'ery skill o) $eing a$le to start a good con'ersation will help to take your li)e to higher li%itsD >. Sit and think are there any success)ul people in your li)e that are not a$le to start a con'ersation8 Can you li'e your li)e in the shadows o) others8 See that success and happiness depends on $eing a$le to get along well with people. ;. .er'es are what you %ake the%D Teach yoursel) that ner'es really are what you %ake o) the%. 6on1t allow ner'es to escalate and hold you $ack. Many people ha'e di))iculty in starting a con'ersation with a stranger so donCt $e so hard on yoursel).

E'ery one struggles in con'ersation at ti%es+ i) you are a$le to take note and learn the skills %entioned a$o'e then starting a con'ersation needn1t $e stress)ul. 6on1t $e ner'ous. -earn that the people you are trying to strike a con'ersation with are pro$a$ly ,ust as ner'ous as you are. Many people lack the con)idence to start a con'ersation+ or perhaps )ear talking to the opposite se*. This is a 'ery li%ited way o) thinking+ negati'e thoughts such as they will laugh at %e+ they won1t )ind %e interesting+ etc are really ,ust that. Be positi'eD .egati'ity doesn1t get you anywhere. &&& 2ow to Stop 4eeling .er'ous When Meeting .ew People 0t1s understanda$le that you %ight $e ner'ous %eeting new people. A)ter all+ you don1t know the% so you don1t know what they will think a$out you or how they will react to you. That can $e a worrying thing. 2owe'er+ there are plenty o) things you can do to get o'er your ner'ousness and start to en,oy %eeting new people. #. 6on1t )eel you ha'e to i%press (ou don1t. 2a'e you e'er %et so%eone or %ay$e seen the% on TK where they are trying really hard to i%press8 0t1s ,ust not i%pressi'eD This kind o) approach appears )ake and $eing )ake will %ake people wary o) you. Ae%e%$er that the people you are %eeting are hu%an tooF no $etter or worse than you. They are also unlikely to $e ,udging you as harshly as you )earD !. 6on1t go alone i) you don1t ha'e to 0n %any situations+ it is per)ectly reasona$le )or you to take a )riend with you+ unless it is so%ething like a ,o$ inter'iew or a pro)essional %eeting. 2a'ing a )riend $y your side can help $ecause when things get di))icult they can $oost your con)idence with a )ew words and %ay$e e'en ,ust a s%ile. The 'ery )act that they are your )riend and wanted to go with you to support you should %ake you )eel $etter. 0t shows that you ha'e good Bualities that people like a$out you. 5. Take a )ew deep $reaths and s%ile (ou are in control o) how you )eel. (ou ha'e the power to cal% yoursel) down. (ou %ay $e surprised that i) you take a %o%ent to $reathe deeply that will release the tension in your $ody and clear your head. ?nce you can think clearly+ you should $e a$le to see that the situation is not as threatening as you percei'ed it to $e. 9. 7o prepared

0) you are ner'ous %eeting new people+ you %ay )ind that it is di))icult to know what to say. Pre/ e%pt this situation $y preparing a )ew con'ersation openers or points you want to %ake. Write the% on a postcard and take it with you to help as a pro%pt. :. 6ress co%)orta$ly 0) you )eel good a$out how you look+ you will $e %ore con)ident when you %eet new people. (ou will )eel that it is one less thing on which they could ,udge you negati'ely. So+ dress appropriately )or the situation+ and think a$out wearing )a'orite clothes or ,ewelry that you know you look your $est in+ or e'en $uying so%ething new )or the occasion. <. Stay true to yoursel) This is not always easy to do+ especially when you )eel that the people you are %eeting %ay not like you )or who you are. 2owe'er+ you are going to ha'e to li'e with yoursel) a)ter this %eeting+ so regardless o) whether people like you or not+ it is %uch %ore i%portant that you like yoursel) and that you are happy with how you $eha'ed. =. Accept that so%e people won1t like you (ou don1t like e'eryone. (ou disappro'e o) the things that so%e people do. That is )ine. But $y the sa%e token+ don1t e*pect e'eryone to like youD There will no dou$t $e people whose %orals and opinions you dislike. That doesn1t necessarily %ake the% $ad peopleN they are ,ust not your type o) people. (ou are )ree to dislike so%e people and that does the% no da%age whatsoe'er. The sa%e is true o) people disliking you. 0t doesn1t do you any har%+ and you %ay well not like the ways in which you would ha'e to change yoursel) to get their appro'al. 0t1s not worth it. -iking yoursel) is )ar %ore i%portant than ha'ing other people like you+ )ortunately+ i) you like yoursel)+ you are %ore likely to ha'e people like you. That knowledge+ put into practice in these )ew steps+ should help you to not $e so ner'ous %eeting new people. &&& What to Say When 0ntroducing (oursel) to .ew People 0t is said that )irst i%pressions are lasting i%pressions+ so what to say when introducing yoursel) to so%eone can $e critically i%portant. (ou want to co%e across as )riendly+ yet not e*cessi'ely soN talkati'e+ yet not do%inate the con'ersation. 2ere are so%e ways to )ind a $alance and introduce yoursel) in a way that gi'es a good )irst i%pressionF #. Mention a %utual )riend When you are in the situation where you want to %eet so%eone $ut you1re unsure a$out how to $reak the ice+ ask yoursel) i) the two o) you ha'e a )riend in co%%on.

E'en i) that person is not there+ you can walk up to the person and say+ L6on1t you know so/and/ so8L When they say yes+ you can then use that as a spring$oard to introducing yoursel) to the%. !. 6i'e right in ?n the other hand+ i) you see so%eone at a place ($ar+ social gathering+ church %eeting + and you do not know the% at all+ the direct approach can $e the $est. (ou ,ust walk right up to the person and say+ L2ow do you do8 My na%e is ()ill in the $lank L A)ter that+ you can then launch into what it is you want to talk to the% a$out. 5. The $usiness deal 0) you are looking to talk to the person a$out a $usiness %atter+ the key is to get to the pointN you1re not going to win points $y engaging in chitchat. Step up to the person+ o))er the% your hand )or a )ir% handshake+ and say+ L7ood day+ MrGMs ($lank N %y na%e is ($lank . Could 0 speak to you )or a %o%ent8L 9. The )lirt When it co%es to chasing a %an or wo%an in a social setting )or the purposes o) a date+ you want to $e )un and )lirty+ $ut not la%e. 0n years gone past so%ething like+ L2ey+ $a$y+ what1s your (astrological sign8L was the height o) cool. A %uch $etter approach these days is the co%pli%ent. ?r+ i) you1re in a %useu% or at a party or so%e other social setting+ co%pli%ent so%ething in the roo%. 0n the case o) the )or%er+ so%ething like+ L(ou ha'e such lo'ely eyes.L ?r i) the person is 'ery pro)essional+ LThat is a sharp suitN where1d you get it8L would go down well. (ou can also always o))er to $uy the% a drink. With the latter situations+ you could point out a 'ery interesting piece o) artwork in the roo% or so%e other pleasant )eature and say+ LThat piece o) art is lo'elyN what do you think8L 0n a place like a $ookstore+ asking so%eone their opinion a$out a new $ook can also $e a good way o) introducing yoursel) to the%F L0 hear the new ($lank ,ust ca%e out. 2a'e you read it8L :. Ae%inding the% 0) you1'e %et so%eone in the past+ $ut they don1t re%e%$er you+ the su$tle re%inder is what to say when introducing yoursel) to so%eone. (ou could say+ L0 know youN we %et at ()ill in the $lank .L 0) they don1t re%e%$er you+ you si%ply tell the% your na%e and %ention details o) your pre'ious interaction. <. Asking )or directions This can $e %ost help)ul when you want to %eet so%eone in a totally generic location. (ou see a %an or wo%an in a diner+ outside a store+ on the street+ and so on. With no hint as to their personality+ stepping up to the% and saying+ LE*cuse %e+ do you know where ($lank is8L can $e a good ice$reaker.

.e*t ti%e you1re %eeting so%eone )or the )irst ti%e+ it can $e an easy process. The key to knowing what to say when introducing yoursel) to so%eone is gauging the situation+ and %aking use o) these si%ple tips. &&& < Easy Ways to A'oid 7etting Stuck )or Words 2a'e you e'er $een )aced with that tongue tied )eeling o) hopelessness8 (ou %ost certainly are not alone. .early e'eryone will ha'e at so%e ti%e $eco%e stuck )or words. 2ow can you stop this )ro% happening8 Si%ply )ollow the easy steps $elow. (ouCll gain con)idence and ensure you always know what to say. 2ere are so%e great tips to stop that tongue tied )eeling and loss o) con'ersational skillsF #. 4inish pre'ious topics o) con'ersation That tongue tied )eeling+ %ore o)ten than not can co%e )ro% ha'ing a $rain )ull o) ideas+ and not )inishing pre'ious topics o) con'ersation. Make sure that you )inish each and e'ery con'ersation on your agenda. 6on1t lea'e it till your $rain is a )actory o) un)inished topics o) talk. This really doesn1t help you in %aking good con'ersation. !. ?$ser'e $e)ore talking So%e o) the $est con'ersation %akers are success)ul $ecause they ha'e the a$ility to listen+ and not ,ust to $e listened toD So i) you are )eeling tongue tied and there1s a knot at the tip o) your tongue trapping the words+ sit $ack and watch how other people are talkingD 0t1s a short study period and will help you considera$ly in your %ethod o) approaching a con'ersation. ?nce you can see what people en,oy talking a$out its easy to re,oin the con'ersation. 5. 0) it doesn1t %ake sense then don1t say itD 2al) the ti%e you get tongue tied+ this )eeling co%es as you are talking nonsense that really is not rele'ant to anyoneD Make sure that the words are necessary and that the topic needs to $e addressed. Oust $y )ollowing this si%ple %ethod o) untying your tongue you will %aintain an audience o) listeners. 9. 0gnore those whose ears don1t tune inD 0) their ears don1t listen then don1t $e disheartened. The sa%e way that you are struggling to $e heard+ there are people that struggle in the listening processD 0) your words are )alling on dea) ears you can1t help it. So%e people really are li%ited in thought and you can1t draw their attention span with your words. :. Practice $e)ore you speak

Start putting in to practice the words that are in your headN perhaps you could ask a )a%ily %e%$er to sit down and listen to you $e)ore you decide to go pu$lic with the con'ersation. By doing this you will ha'e had a test run period+ this will $e a practice )or the real thing (a stage rehearsal helping you to )ocus and %ore i%portantly $e )ocused on. <. Be)ore talking take a deep $reath A s%all change such as taking a deep $reath o) )resh air $e)ore talking will help you to %aintain )ocus and re%ain head strong on the topic o) attention. 2al) the ti%e when you start to go o)) road in your thoughts and the speech starts to $eco%e di))icult to co%e out+ this is a result o) not $eing rela*ed. This process o) $reathing in helps you to )eel %ore rela*ed+ ena$ling you to re%ain )ocused. Being tongue tied and losing your words in con'ersation really is a result o) carelessness. 0) you can stick to the a$o'e tips and %ethods o) untying your tongue then you can help to %ake sure that you don1t get lost )or wordsD Try to re%e%$er that thinking a$out $eing lost )or words can lead you to the reality o) $eing lost )or words. E'eryone gets tongue tied+ and you really can1t ha'e li'ed %uch without ha'ing that tongue tied )eeling occasionally. Stay con)ident+ $e cal% and don1t let ner'ous thoughts )ill your $rain ,ust )ocus on yoursel) and the words that you need to e*pressD &&& #" 0nteresting Topics o) Con'ersation )or E'ery ?ccasion 6on1t panicD (ou can $e interesting. 0nteresting topics o) con'ersation needn1t $e di))icult to think o). Consider thisF what %akes a topic interesting8 0sn1t it that people like to talk a$out it and that they ha'e opinions on it8 ?nce you realiEe that+ you1ll see that interesting topics o) con'ersation co%e )ro% e'eryday li)e and things that we all ha'e in co%%on. Then you1ll realiEe it1s not so di))icult to think o) the%. 6on1t think you ha'e to $e contro'ersial and go )or risky topics like politics and religionN you don1t. 0n )act+ to do so would $e a %istake. Whate'er topic you choose should %ake people rela*ed and happy to talkN contro'ersial su$,ects don1t allow that. Think instead a$out what all people shareF )a%ilies+ hopes+ drea%s+ e*periences etc. 2ere are a )ew interesting topics o) con'ersation to get you startedF #. Who is the %ost interesting person you e'er %et8 (ou can see how this would easily lead people to 'oice opinions and ask 1why81.

!. Where in the world would you %ost like to 'isit8 This drea% location %ay $e shared $y others and so it %akes people )eel solidarity+ $ut also+ people will $e itching to ask 1why81 and keep the con'ersation )lowing. 5. What has $een the %ost li)e/changing e*perience you1'e e'er had8 2ere+ people can share )unny and touching stories i) they want to+ which will help you get a deeper understanding o) the%. -ikewise+ i) people don1t )eel rela*ed enough to gi'e a heart)elt reply they can answer in an entertaining way and it all adds to the con'ersation. 9. What is the %ost spontaneous thing you1'e e'er done8 That opens the door to all sorts o) hu%orous and ro%antic stories. :. Who1s had the $iggest in)luence on your li)e8 Because this person has in)luenced the person you1re asking+ they %ust 'iew the% positi'ely and ha'e strong )eelings a$out the%. That %eans they1re likely to en,oy talking a$out the%. <. What drea% would you %ost like to %ake a reality8 This kind o) inspirational Buestion always gets people talking and e'eryone1s usually happy to chip in with co%%ents a$out people1s hopes and wishes. Oust $e care)ul when co%%enting that you don1t rain on their parade. 0t1s their right to ha'e whate'er hopes they want. =. What is the $est Buality you1'e inherited )ro% either o) your parents8 This is particularly interesting at a )a%ily gathering when people know the parents you1re talking a$out. 0t1s also a $it o) a $onding e*perience+ speaking )a'ora$ly a$out your parents. >. 4ro% which person ha'e you learned %ost in your li)e8 This is another upli)ting+ positi'e topic o) con'ersation that usually gets people talking. ;. Which historical )igures do you %ost identi)y with8 This lets you know so%ething a$out the other people around youN it also opens up discussion o) the e'ents these historical )igures were in'ol'ed in. (es+ potentially it takes you into dangerous waters o) politics and religion $ut people usually take this Buestion in the spirit o) )un in which it1s %eant+ so potentially awkward %o%ents are easily a'erted. #". What kind o) %usic do you like8 (ou could then go on to talk o) %usic you1'e $ought or gigs you1'e $een too. (ou %ight e'en askF 1what1s the %ost e%$arrassing al$u% in your collection81 That1s usually %et with all/round hilarityD These ideas should show you that interesting topics o) con'ersation don1t need to $e co%ple* or intellectual+ in )act+ the %ore ordinary the $etter+ $ecause then people )eel Buali)ied to talk a$out the topic. &&& The Best @uestions to Keep a Con'ersation 7oing (ou1'e done the %ost di))icult partN you ha'e started a con'ersation and you ha'e got so%e response )ro% the person you are talking to. That is not the end o) the need )or Buestions within the con'ersation though. A con'ersation needs to $e a $it like a tennis %atch+ where e*changes go to and )ro like the tennis $all in a rally.

(ou need Buestions to keep a con'ersation going. @uestions help to progress the con'ersation and allow you to )ind out %ore a$out so%eoneN they %ake it possi$le to gain understanding. And Buestions work well to $ring in Buiet people+ to keep a li'ely con'ersation )lowing and to include e'eryone. @uestions to Progress a Con'ersationF These Buestions help the con'ersation along $y relating to what you ha'e $een talking a$out and taking it to a greater depth. The Buestion should $e easy to answer+ include e'eryone and not cause o))ense to anyone. So%e e*a%ples would $eF 0) talking a$out sportF #. What did you think o) their last ga%e8 This is particularly use)ul when you ha'e esta$lished a %utual liking )or a sport with the person that you are talking to. Perhaps you ha'e e'en disco'ered that you $oth support the sa%e tea%. !. What do you think o) their chances o) winning this season8 Again+ this is great i) you like the sa%e sports and at least know which tea%(s you are talking a$out. 5. 2a'e you got %e%$ership o) a clu$ or a gy%8 This shouldn1t see% like you are suggesting they need one+ $ut i) you ha'e disco'ered a %utual interest in keeping )it or saunas or so%ething like that+ you %ay )ind you $elong to the sa%e health clu$N or perhaps i) you don1t you could progress the )riendship $y taking up a clu$ %e%$ership together so that you will %eet regularly doing so%ething you $oth en,oy. 9. What sports do you like to take part in as well as watch8 This Buestion is use)ul $ecause you react Buite di))erently to sports as a participant rather than si%ply a spectator. 0) talking a$out petsF #. 2a'e you e'er entered a pet show8 This is use)ul i) the person you are talking to see%s particularly proud o) their dog+ cat + etc. (ou can then go on to chat a$out the e*perience o) participating in these shows or preparing the pet )or it. 0t %ay e'en lead to so%e hu%orous stories along the way. !. Why did you choose that particular $reed8 People will lo'e the chance to re'eal the wonders o) their particular chosen $reed o) pet. 5. Was your pet easy to train8 Again+ this can lead to )unny stories i) you )ind that they ha'e trained their pet in so%e wayN it could $e as si%ple as house/trainingN it doesn1t ha'e to in'ol'e ela$orate circus tricks.

0) talking a$out )ashionF #. 2a'e you got a )a'orite per)u%e that you tend to $uy8 !. What1s your )a'orite clothes store8 5. Which cele$rity1s )ashion style do you like8 9. 2a'e you got a )a'orite ite% o) clothing that %akes you )eel really good when you wear it8 4ashion works well as a topic )or wo%en especially. 0t can lead on to talk o) cele$rities andGor e%$arrassing )ashion %istakes. 0t should $e lighthearted and you %ay also )ind out you like the sa%e cele$rities which can lead on to a discussion o) their art )or% or sport. Talking a$out childrenF People lo'e to talk a$out their children. (ou1ll )ind this an easy one i) you disco'er the other person has children. #. What ho$$ies do they ha'e8 !. 6o they get on well with each other8 5. Which school do they go to8 Talking a$out )oodF .one o) us can li'e without )ood and )or %ost o) us it is a real pleasure which will re%ind you o) happy ti%es. #. What is your )a'orite %eal8 !. 6o you ha'e a )a'orite restaurant8 5. What style o) cooking do you like the %ost8 9. 6o you ha'e any )a'orite recipes8 (ou will see that so%e o) these Buestions are closed Buestions which+ strictly speaking+ could $e answered with a one word 1yes1 or 1no1 answerN $ut realistically+ $ecause the topics are easy and $ecause they are su$,ects a$out which people are likely to ha'e an opinion a$out+ they are likely to rela* and say %uch %ore than one word. @uestions to 0nclude @uiet PeopleF To draw a Buiet person into a con'ersation you need to show so%e sensiti'ityN they %ay not like %uch attention drawn to the%N they %ay not+ howe'er+ speak+ unless you address the% directly $y na%e+ so that is a use)ul techniBue. Make the Buestion an easy one to answer+ such as 1(ou saw that %o'ie too+ didn1t you8 What did you think o) it81

6on1t put people under pressure to answer $ut i) you use an appropriate Buestion and lea'e a pause )or the% to answer+ %ore o)ten than not+ they1ll answer. 7ood Buestions )ollow on )ro% the topic $eing discussed and allow a person to gi'e a si%ple answer $ased on their personal opinion+ rather than reBuiring the% to possess any particular knowledge. &&& 2ow to Shine in Con'ersation with -istening Skills 6o you ha'e good listening skills8 -istening happens to $e a key strength o) good co%%unicators. 0) you want to de'elop good listening skills+ there are so%e steps you ha'e to )ollowF # 0t would help i) you )eel e%pathy )or the other party when you are listening. (ou will $e a$le to a$sor$ what the other person is saying $etter i) you ha'e e%pathy $ecause the content will $e close to your heart. ! E%pathy is also i%portant $ecause i) you ha'e e%pathy+ you will $e a$le to )or% an association $etween the knowledge you 'alue in your head and the content o) the %essage o) the other person. -ook )or the deeper %eaning people e*press $ehind the words they use and youCll )ind co%%onality in 'alues+ opinions and outlook. 5 A'oid ,udging the deli'ery o) the %essage and the person deli'ering the %essage+ i) possi$le. This allows you to )ocus on the content o) the %essage rather than on the style o) deli'ery. 9 (ou can rely on so%e techniBues to i%pro'e your le'el o) co%prehension o) a spoken %essage. 4or e*a%ple+ you can ask the other person to repeat his %essage or certain parts o) it. Then you can rephrase the %essage content in your own words and ask the other party i) what you understood is correct. : Maintain an acti'e $ody state. 0) you are alert+ it will $e easier to )ight any distractions that would pre'ent you )ro% co%prehending the %essage. < Ai% to get as %uch detail as you can )ro% the person a$out the %essage. This %eans asking intelligent and pertinent Buestions. Then restate the %essage in your own words so you can deter%ine how %uch you a$sor$ed and understood. = 0t helps i) you are genuinely interested in the other person and the %essage. 0) you are $ored ($oth with the person and the %essage + it will de)initely show $oth in your $ody language and your replies. 0) you are not interested in either the person or the %essage+ etiBuette dictates that you e*cuse yoursel) politely and go so%ewhere else so that you will not waste your ti%e or the ti%e o) the other person. > E'er heard the phrase 1one touch is eBual to a thousand words18 Well+ $asically what that %eans is+ your $ody language can con'ey a lot o) %eaning. Study the $ody language o) the other person so you can get the non'er$al cues he is sending. 2e %ight $e irrita$le+ sad+ happy+ or angry. All these e%otions are su$tly con'eyed $y his $ody language+ not ,ust $y a spoken %essage. ; To keep the con'ersational $all rolling+ %ake an e))ort to ask the other party what his point o) 'iew or opinions are. .ot only is this polite+ you %ight learn so%ething 'alua$le in the process.

#" (ou should also let the other person know what your own perspecti'e or opinions are. Ai% to %ake these speci)ic rather than couch the% in $road ter%s so that the other party knows e*actly where you stand. This will reduce instances o) %isco%%unication. ## 0) the other person has o))ended you so%ehow+ $e 'ocal a$out your displeasure $ut do not get angry. Control your e%otions so that the situation does not worsen. #! Maintain an o$,ecti'e stance regarding your reactions and the conseBuences o) the actions o) the other person. This %eans $eing a$le to take a step $ack and 'iew the situation )ro% an o$,ecti'e point o) 'iew. #5 6o not try to own the con'ersation $y do%inating the )low and ignoring atte%pts $y the other person to $e heard. Try to do%inate the other person and you will )ind you will get )ewer and )ewer people who want to talk to you. #9 0) the other party uses e%otion/laden words+ sie'e through the %essage without reacting auto%atically to the e%otion. This will help de)use a potentially 'olatile situation. #: 4ollow/up any resolution to the situation. 0) you and the other party ha'e agreed on so%ething+ schedule a second or e'en third %eeting to s%ooth out any re%aining rough spots. These tips are ,ust so%e o) the ways to $olster your listening skills. Test these ideas and you will see the $ig di))erence they can %ake. &&& 2ow to 3se Body -anguage to Aead People -ike a Book When we )irst %eet new people+ we all )eel a little awkward and sel)/conscious until we )eel that we understand the other person a little. 3ntil we can do that+ we can1t work out what people think o) us and that o)ten lea'es us in an unco%)orta$le position o) uncertainty. The key to getting co%)orta$le again and to understanding other people+ is to read the other person1s key $ody language signalsN $elie'e it or not+ this is possi$le e'en )ro% the 'ery )irst )ew seconds when you %eet that new person. #. Eye contact is 'ery i%portant in co%%unication+ especially with new people. 7ood use o) eye contact+ which does not a'oid others+ does not stare and does not linger on certain parts o) the other1s anato%y inappropriately+ is a crucial part o) getting to understand new people. Appropriate eye contact shows respect and it shows that you are interested in interacting with the other person. 2ow %uch eye contact to %ake di))ers $etween cultures $ut i) you read the other person1s $ody signals correctly you will see how %uch eye contact to %ake $y %atching their degree o) eye contact. !. Posture says a lot a$out a person1s personality and %ood. Slouching shoulders and a cur'ed spine+ as well as helping so%eone to de'elop round shoulders o'er ti%e+ says that they are depressed+ down+ and lacking con)idence in the%sel'es. That kind o) posture can $eco%e a sel)/ )ul)illing prophecy as it soon $egins to a))ect a person1s %ood negati'ely.

5. The tilt o) a person1s head $etrays their %ood too. A head which is $alanced $oth horiEontally and 'ertically on the neck ooEes con)idence and sel)/estee%. (ou will )ind yoursel) %ore inclined to listen to a person who has this kind o) posture when speaking. When they want to speak or %ake a particular point+ the authoritati'e+ con)ident person will usually lean their head )orward ,ust a little $it+ $ut without encroaching too %uch on the personal space o) their listener. 0) they tilt their head to one side while you1re talking+ you can $e assured that they are listening to you attenti'ely and that they will $e likely to gi'e you ti%e to speak and say what you ha'e to say. ?) course+ this position can change+ and it should. .o one position should $e %aintained )or too long as that will see% unnatural and can $e o))/putting to the other person. 0) so%eone stays in one position and doesn1t speak )or a long ti%e+ checkF ha'e they )allen asleepD That is the i%pression you would pro$a$ly $e le)t withD 9. The place%ent o) a person1s ar%s says a lot a$out their personality and %ood. Wild gesticulations will i%ply o'er/e*cite%ent or e'en aggression. (ou will )eel %ost co%)orta$le when you can see that the person you are speaking too is )eeling co%)orta$le tooN there)ore+ look )or ar%s that are held naturally at the sides o) the $ody. They %ay also $e held $ehind the $ack. Either posture i%plies an open personality+ a person who is )eeling con)ident and who is ready to )ace challenges. 0) you upset or o))end so%eone+ watch out )or their ar%s $eing crossed o'er their chest de)ensi'ely. That1s a real gi'eaway that they are )eeling hurt. :. -egs tell you a lot a$out the person you1re speaking with+ e'en when you ha'e ,ust %et the%. 0t1s Buite di))icult to get your legs to do e*actly what you want the% to do+ so they say a lot a$out a person1s inner%ost )eelings+ e'en when they are trying 'ery hard to hide the%. -eg swinging and rolling o) the )oot at the ankle+ or especially )oot tapping+ shows that a person is )eeling irritated or i%patient. The )aster the %o'e%ent+ the worse their %oodD <. (ou will pro$a$ly $e a$le to sense right away i) so%eone is deli$erately angling their $ody away )ro% you+ e'en i) you don1t consciously process that thought. People tend to sit angled towards and e'en leaning towards+ people they like. This %ay not happen when you )irst %eet so%eone+ as they %ay wait a little while to gauge what you are like+ $ut i) they start to position the%sel'es in your direction and lean in closer to you+ then the chances are that they are $eginning to like you. So+ e'en i) you don1t know a person well+ you can read their $ody language and adapt your co%%unication with the% accordingly. &&& Show People (ou -ike The% and Make 4riends with Ease Within the )irst thirty/seconds o) %eeting so%eone )or the )irst ti%e+ we %ake %any o$ser'ations which we translate into ,udg%ents a$out that person we are %eeting. E'ery hu%an $eing does this. We do this naturally and auto%atically with little+ i) any+ real awareness o) this process.

This %eans that i) we all do it+ those we co%e into contact with are o$ser'ing and %aking ,udg%ents a$out us+ like we are a$out the%. 0) you happen to de%onstrate a disliking attitude this in)or%ation will present itsel) within those )irst )ew %o%ents+ in %ost interactions. 4or this reason we %ust know how we co%e across to people when )irst %eeting the%. 0) we co%e across in a positi'e way people we will attracted to us $ecause+ as in the law o) physics+ positi'e attracts and negati'e repels. 0) you want to show people you like the% present your positi'e sel). #. To present your positi'e sel) reBuires you to pay attention to how and what 'er$al and non'er$al co%%unication you use. The %essages you send through $oth o) these types o) co%%unication say a lot a$out your desire to like the person you are %eeting )or the )irst ti%e. 0) you send any negati'e %essages+ within those )irst seconds+ you %ay ne'er get the chance to show the% later that you like the%. Ae%e%$er+ people will %ake ,udg%ents a$out you within the )irst thirty/seconds o) %eeting you+ like you will the%. Two o) those )irst e'aluations each o) you will %ake isF L6o 0 like this person8L and L6oes this person like %e8L !. Whene'er showing people you like the% it1s i%portant to look like you are )riendly. Appearing )riendly can %ean di))erent things to di))erent people+ $ut %ost o) us respond well to a s%ile and so%e )or% o) a Lhow are you8L+ no %atter who we are. Most o) us also respond to other positi'e state%ents as well+ especially a$out things that relate directly to us. We all en,oy the )eeling o) appreciation. Co%pli%ents+ %i*ed with the appropriate $ody/language+ a$out so%eone1s appearance+ )or e*a%ple+ can send a %essage o) liking so%ething a$out that person. 5. ?ne o) the Buickest ways to let so%eone know you are not interested in the% is to %ake L%eL state%ents. A'oid any )or% o) a L%eL state%ent+ within those )irst )ew %o%ents o) an interaction $ecause they can send the %essage that the other person is not the center o) your interests. 0) the other person percei'es that they are not the center o) your interests they could possi$ly think that you don1t like the%. Additionally+ i) you are talking a$out you it will $e i%possi$le to show the other person that you like the%. 9. When you want to show so%eone you like the% )ocus on the%. Beco%e interested in what they are saying or e'en doing. Attenti'ely listen to the% as they speak and $eco%e in'ol'ed with their con'ersation. As they talk+ paraphrase and ask the% pertinent Buestions regarding what they are saying. 0) they are $usy doing so%ething and it looks like they could use so%e help+ o))er to help the%. Both listening and helping are other ways to show people you like the%. The de%onstration that we like so%eone can also $e e*pressed in our concern )or the%. Most people like it when another person cares a$out the%. Asking the person+ you1'e seen in the store e'ery %orning )or the past week+ a$out their )a%ily or work are e*a%ples o) concern )or that person. The act o) concern shows people you like the%. To wrap up+ %ake a point o) $eing positi'e+ )riendly and )ocused on the other person. Be concerned a$out their wel)are and help the% when you can. When you deal with new people in this way youCll )ind that people war% to you Buickly and they are keen to get to know you $etter. &&&