ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING

All of us should insist on being treated fairly; we have to stand up for our rights without violating the rights of others. This means tactfully, justly, and effectively expressing our preferences, needs, opinions and feelings. Psychologist call that being "assertive," as distinguished from being unassertive wea!, passive, compliant, self"sacrificing# or aggressive self"centered, inconsiderate, hostile, arrogantly demanding#. As mentioned in chapter $, the %omen&s 'ovement since the ()*+&s has been a powerful influence on millions of women, women have gotten better career opportunities, more rights to control their bodies, more help from husbands with child care and housewor!, and so on. These changes happened because women assertively stood up for their rights. -ecause some people want to be "nice" and "not cause trouble," they "suffer in silence," "turn the other chee!," and assume nothing can be done to change their situation or "it is our cross to bear." The rest of us appreciate pleasant, accommodating people but whenever a "nice" person permits a greedy, dominant person to ta!e advantage of him.her, the passive person is not only cheating him.herself but also reinforcing unfair, self"centered behavior in the aggressive person. That&s how chauvinists are created. Purposes Assertiveness is an antidote to fear, shyness, passivity, and even anger, so there is an astonishingly wide range of situations in which this training is appropriate. /actor analysis of several assertiveness scales 0chimmel, ()1*# has suggested several !inds of behavior are involved. To spea! up, ma!e re2uests, as! for favors and generally insist that your rights be respected as a significant, e2ual human being. To overcome the fears and self" depreciation that !eep you from doing these things. To express negative emotions complaints, resentment, criticism, disagreement, intimidation, the desire to be left alone# and to refuse re2uests. 0ee "3" statements in method 45. To show positive emotions joy, pride, li!ing someone, attraction# and to give compliments. Accept compliments with "Than! you." To as! why and 2uestion authority or tradition, not to rebel but to assume responsibility for asserting your share of control of the situation""and to ma!e things better. 6ou are no one&s slave. To initiate, carry on, change and terminate conversations comfortably. 0hare your feelings, opinions and experiences with others. 0ee method 4$. To deal with minor irritations before your anger builds into intense resentment and explosive aggression. 0ee method 47.

Steps 0T8P 9:8, Realize where changes are needed and believe in your rights. 'any people recogni;e they are being ta!en advantage of and.or have difficulty saying "no." 9thers do not see themselves as unassertive but do feel depressed or unfulfilled, have lots of physical ailments, have complaints about wor! but assume the boss or teacher has the right to demand whatever he.she wants, etc. :othing will change until the victim recogni;es his.her rights are being denied and he.she decides to correct the situation. <eeping a diary may help you assess how intimidated, compliant, passive or timid you are or how demanding, whiny, bitchy or aggressive others are. Almost everyone can cite instances or circumstances in which he.she has been outspo!en or aggressive. These instances may be used to deny we are unassertive in any way. =owever, many of us are wea! in some ways""we can&t say "no" to a friend as!ing a favor, we can&t give or ta!e a compliment, we let a spouse or children control our lives, we won&t spea! up in class or disagree with others in a public meeting, we are ashamed to as! for help, we are afraid of offending others, and so on. As! yourself if you want to continue being wea!. 9ne may need to deal with the anxiety associated with changing, to reconcile the conflicts within your value system, to assess the repercussions of being assertive, and to prepare others for the changes they will see in your behavior or attitude. Tal! to others about the appropriateness of being assertive in a specific situation that concerns you. 3f you are still scared even though it is appropriate, use desensiti;ation or role"playing to reduce the anxiety. >onsider where your values""your "shoulds"""come from. >hildren are bombarded with rules, ?on&t be selfish, don&t ma!e mista!es, don&t be emotional, don&t tell people if you don&t li!e them, don&t be so unreasonable, don&t 2uestion people, don&t interrupt, don&t trouble others with your problems, don&t complain, don&t upset others, don&t brag, don&t be anti"social, do what people as! you to do, help people who need help, and on and on. ?o any of these instructions sound familiar@ They help produce submissive children""and adults. There are probably good reasons for many of these rules"for"!ids but as adults we need not blindly follow rules. 3ndeed, every one of these injunctions should be bro!en under certain conditions, 6ou have a right to be first sometimes#, to ma!e mista!es, to be emotional, to express your feelings, to have your own reasons, to stop others and as! 2uestions, to as! for help, to as! for reasonable changes, to have your wor! ac!nowledged, to be alone, to say "no" or "3 don&t have time," and so on. The old feelings deep inside of us may still have powerful control over us see chapter $#. %e can change, however. -esides recogni;ing we have outgrown our unthin!ing submissiveness, we can further reduce our ambivalence about being assertive by recogni;ing the harm done by unassertiveness, (# you cheat yourself and lose self"respect because you are dominated and can&t change things, A# you are forced to be dishonest, concealing your true feelings, B# ine2uality and submissiveness threatens, if not destroys, love and respect, 5# a relationship based on your being a doormat, a slave, a "yes"person," a cute show piece or a source of income is oppressive and immoral, 7# since you must hide your true feeling, you may resort to subtle manipulation to get what you want and this creates resentment, and *# your compliance rewards your oppressor. 9n the positive side, assertiveness leads to more self"respect and happiness. -uild up your courage by reviewing all the reasons for changing.

/inally, there are obviously situations in which demanding immediate justice may not be wise, e.g. if you can get fired, if it would cause an unwanted divorce, if you might be assaulted, etc. 8ven in these more extreme cases, perhaps well planned or very gradual changes would be tolerated. Cnder any circumstances, discuss the reasons for becoming assertive with the other people involved so they will understand and approve if possible# or at least respect you for being considerate of them, others, and yourself. 0T8P T%9, Figure out appropriate ways of asserting yourself in each specific situation that concerns you. There are many ways to devise effective, tactful, fair assertive responses. %atch a good model. ?iscuss the problem situation with a friend, a parent, a supervisor, a counselor or other person. >arefully note how others respond to situations similar to yours and consider if they are being unassertive, assertive or aggressive. Dead some of the boo!s listed at the end of this method. 'ost assertiveness trainers recommend that an effective assertive response contain several parts, (. ?escribe to the other person involved# the troublesome situation as you see it. -e very specific about time and actions, don&t ma!e general accusations li!e "you&re always hostile...upset...busy." -e objective, don&t suggest the other person is a total jer!. /ocus on his.her behavior, not on his.her apparent motives. A. ?escribe your feelings, using an "3" statement which shows you ta!e responsibility for your feelings. -e firm and strong, loo! at them, be sure of yourself, don&t get emotional. /ocus on positive feelings related to your goals if you can, not on your resentment of the other person. 0ometimes it is helpful to explain why you feel as you do, so your statement becomes "3 feel EEEEEE because EEEEEE." see the next method#. B. ?escribe the changes you&d li!e made, be specific about what action should stop and what should start. -e sure the re2uested changes are reasonable, consider the other person&s needs too, and be willing to ma!e changes yourself in return. 3n some cases, you may already have explicit conse2uences in mind if the other person ma!es the desired changes and if he.she doesn&t. 3f so, these should be clearly described too. ?on&t ma!e dire threats, if you can&t or won&t carry out them out. 8xample assertiveness responses,
Situation,6our wife or girlfriend comes home from wor! and tal!s during dinner about office politics and rivalry. Response "8very night this wee! we have spent the dinner hour tal!ing about the personality conflicts at your , office. 3&m glad we can tal!, but 3 get fed up with the pettiness, as 3 see it, of the people you wor! with. 3 miss tal!ing about the news, my wor!, our new house plans, and how we are getting along." Poor An unassertive person would suppress his anger and say nothing or pretend to be really interested. An responses aggressive person would blow his top, calling his wife&s co"wor!ers names and telling her how boring and , petty she is. Situation,6our husband or boyfriend loo!s excessively# at attractive women. Response "6ou used to be subtle about it, but lately you ogle every well built woman you see. 3 feel irritated that , you aren&t more concerned about my feelings. 3 really feel hurt. 3f you would change, 3&d feel a lot better and 3 thin! it will increase our trust and closeness with each other." This response was suggested by a perceptive reader who also suggested another good response, "3 feel inade2uate when 3 notice you loo!ing excessively at other women. Therefore, in the future, 3 would appreciate it if you would ogle me instead." Poor Pretending not to notice his loo!ing and continue hurting in silence or turning off sexually or starting to

responses flirt in anticipation of his having an affair#. 9f course, the aggressive reaction would be to call him a self" , centered sex maniac and to refuse to have sex for several days. Situation,A friend repeatedly ma!es plans with you and then cancels at the last minute. Response "%hen we ma!e plans and you change your mind at the last minute""you&ve done that two out of the last , three times, 3 feel frustrated because it&s too late to ma!e plans with someone else. -esides, 3 start to thin! that you don&t really want to be with me if you can find anything else to do. 3n the future, 3&d li!e for you to tell me at least an hour in advance if you have to change plans. %ould you do that@" Poor Fet it go, fearing the friend will get mad. 9r, tell the friend how inconsiderate she is and that it is ama;ing responses she has any friends at all. , Situation,6ou have just been introduced to someone, but you did not learn his.her name. Response As soon as appropriate, as!, "%hat is your name again@" Cse it the first chance you get, so you won&t , forget it again. Poor Fet it go and try to avoid situations where you need to use his.her name. An aggressive response would be responses to blame him.her, "6ou don&t spea! up very well, what&s your name again@" ,

/ollowing these guidelines, write out in rough form some ways of responding in your problem situations.

ASSERTIVE ESS TRAI I !

GThis article has been compiled from the following source, The Delaxation and 0tress Deduction =andboo!, by ?avis, 8shelman and 'c<ay, ()$$.H "ow you interact with others can be a source of considerable stress in your life# Assertiveness training can reduce that stress by teaching you to stand up for your legiti$ate rights% without bullying others or letting the$ bully you# Assertiveness was initially described as a personality trait by Andrew Salter in &'('# It was thought that so$e people had it% and so$e people didn)t% *ust li+e e,troversion or stinginess# -ut .olpe /&'012 and 3azarus /&'442 redefined assertiveness as 5e,pressing personal rights and feelings#5 They found that nearly everybody could be assertive in so$e situations% and yet be totally ineffectual in others# The goal of assertiveness training is to increase the nu$ber and variety of situations in which assertive behavior is possible% and decrease occasions of passive collapse or hostile blow6up# 7ou are assertive when you stand up for your rights in such a way that the rights of others are not violated# -eyond *ust de$anding your rights% you can e,press your personal li+es and interests spontaneously% you can tal+ about yourself without being self6conscious% you can accept co$pli$ents co$fortably% you can disagree with so$eone openly% you can as+ for clarification% and you can say no# In short% when you are an assertive person% you can be $ore rela,ed in interpersonal situations# So$e people thin+ that assertiveness training turns nice people into irascible co$plainers or calculating $anipulators# ot so# It)s your right to protect yourself when so$ething see$s unfair# 7ou are the one who best +nows your disco$fort and your needs# Investigators such as 8a+ubows+i6Spector /&'9:2 and Alberti and E$$ons /&'9;2 discovered that people who show relatively little assertive behavior do not believe that they have a right to their feelings% beliefs% or opinions# In the deepest sense% they re*ect the idea that we are created e<ual and are to treat each other as e<uals# As a result% they can)t find grounds for ob*ecting to e,ploitation or $istreat$ent# It is li+ely that they learned as children traditional assu$ptions that i$plied that their perceptions% opinions% feelings and wants were less i$portant or correct than those of others# They grew up doubting the$selves and loo+ing to others for validation and guidance# 7ou did not have as $uch choice about which traditional assu$ptions you were taught as a child# ow% however% you have the option of deciding whether to continue behaving according to assu$ptions that +eep

you fro$ being an assertive adult# Each of these $ista+en assu$ptions violates one of your legiti$ate rights as an adult=

>ista+en Traditional Assu$ptions

It is selfish to put your needs before others) needs# It is sha$eful to $a+e $ista+es# 7ou should have an appropriate response for every occasion# If you can)t convince others that your feelings are reasonable% then they $ust be wrong% or $aybe you are going crazy# (# 7ou should respect the views of others% especially if they are in a position of authority# @eep your differences of opinion to yourself# 3isten and learn 0# 7ou should always try to be logical and consistent# 4# 7ou should be fle,ible and ad*ust# Athers have good reasons for their actions and it)s not polite to <uestion the$# 9# 7ou should never interrupt people# As+ing <uestions reveals your stupidity to others 1# could even get worse% don)t roc+ the boat# '# 7ou shouldn)t ta+e up others) valuable ti$e with your proble$s &;# People don)t want to hear that you feel bad% so +eep it to yourself &&# .hen so$eone ta+es the ti$e to give you advice% you should ta+e it very seriously# They are often right &?# @nowing that you did so$ething well is its own reward# People don)t li+e show6offs# Successful people are secretly disli+ed and envied# -e $odest when co$pli$ented# 7our 3egiti$ate Rights 7ou have the right to put yourself first so$eti$es# 7ou have the right to $a+e $ista+es# 7ou have the right to be the final *udge of your feelings and accept the$ as legiti$ate# 7ou have the right to have your own opinions and convictions# 7ou have the right to change your $ind or decide on a different course of action# 7ou have a right to protest unfair treat$ent or criticis$# 7ou have a right to interrupt in order to as+ for clarification# 7ou have a right to negotiate for change# 7ou have a right to ask for help or e$otional support# 7ou have a right to feel and e,press pain# 7ou have a right to ignore the advice of others# 7ou have a right to receive for$al recognition for your wor+ and achieve$ents# &:# 7ou should always try to acco$$odate others# If you don)t% they won)t be there when you need the$# &(# Bon)t be anti6social# People are going to thin+ you don)t li+e the$ if you say you)d rather be alone instead of with the$# &0# 7ou should always have a good reason for what you feel and do# &4# .hen so$eone is in trouble% you should help the$# &9# 7ou should be sensitive to the needs and wishes of others% even when they are unable to tell you what they want# &1# It)s always a good policy to stay on people)s good side# &'# It)s not nice to put people off# If <uestioned% give an answer 7ou have a right to say 5no#5 7ou have a right to be alone% even if others would prefer your co$pany# 7ou have a right not to have to *ustify yourself to others# 7ou have a right not to ta+e responsibility for so$eone else)s proble$# 7ou have a right not to have to anticipate others) needs and wishes# 7ou have a right not to always worry about the goodwill of others# 7ou have a right to choose not to respond to a situation# As you continue through this chapter% +eep in $ind that assertive co$$unication is based on the assu$ption that you are the best *udge of your thoughts% feelings% wants% and behavior# obody is better infor$ed than you regarding how your heredity% history% and current circu$stances have shaped you into a uni<ue hu$an being# Therefore% you are the best advocate for e,pressing your positions on i$portant issues# -ecause of your uni<ueness% there are $any ti$es when you differ with significant people in your life# Rather than overpower the $ee+ or give in to the aggressive% you have the right to e,press your position and try to negotiate your differences# Sy$pto$ Effectiveness &# ?# :#

Assertiveness training has been found to be effective in dealing with depression% anger% resent$ent% and interpersonal an,iety% especially when these sy$pto$s have been brought about by unfair circu$stances# As you beco$e $ore assertive% you begin to lay clai$ to your right to rela,% and are able to ta+e ti$e for yourself# Ti$e for >astery So$e people $aster assertiveness s+ills sufficiently for sy$pto$ relief with *ust a few wee+s of practice# For others% several $onths of step6by step wor+ are necessary to e,perience significant change# Instructions Three Basic Interpersonal Styles The first step in assertiveness training is to identify the three basic styles of interpersonal behavior#

Aggressive Style# Typical e,a$ples of aggressive behavior are fighting% accusing% threatening% and generally stepping on people without regard for their feelings# The advantage of this +ind of behavior is that people do not push the aggressive person around# The disadvantage is that people do not want to be around hi$ or her# Passive Style# A person is behaving passively when he lets others push hi$ around% when he does not stand up for hi$self% and when he does what he is told% regardless of how he feels about it# The advantage of being passive is that you rarely e,perience direct re*ection# The disadvantage is that you are ta+en advantage of% and you store up a heavy burden or resent$ent and anger# Assertive Style# A person is behaving assertively when he stands up for hi$self% e,presses his true feelings% and does not let others ta+e advantage of hi$# At the sa$e ti$e% he is considerate of others) feelings# The advantage of being assertive is that you get what you want% usually without $a+ing others $ad# If you are assertive% you can act in your own best interest and not feel guilty or wrong about it# >ee+ness and withdrawal% attac+ and bla$e are no longer needed with the $astery of assertive behavior# They are seen for what they are 6 sadly inade<uate strategies of escape that create $ore pain and stress than they prevent# -efore you can achieve assertive behavior you $ust face the fact that the passive and aggressive styles have often failed to get you what you want#
Deal With Your Boss Since one of the pri$ary sources of *ob stress is a$biguity about what is e,pected of you% the ti$e has co$e for a conference with your boss# "ere are so$e suggested <uestions to use during the interview# The $ain thing you want to do is to get enough infor$ation so you no longer have to $ind6read his or her reactions# &# .hat is e,pected of $e in $y positionC ?# .here is this organization going and how doI fit into the plan in the near and long6ter$ futureC :# "ow a$ I doingC .hat are $y strengthsC .hat areas do I need to i$proveC (# .hat additional s+ills or education do I need to progressC 0# .hat happens if so$ething goes wrongC .hat can I e,pect fro$ you if a proble$ developsC 4# f I continue $y current level of perfor$ance% what can I e,pectC If your boss is a clear% straightforward co$$unicator% the above discussion $ay significantly reduce your *ob stress# -ut if your boss is indirect% irascible% or highly de$anding% you $ight have $ore wor+ to do# 7ou)ll have to learn what $otivates hi$ or her and how to use that to your benefit# 3oo+ beneath the surface of you boss)s actions to understand what $otivates hi$# Boes your boss have a difficult boss% a $iserable ho$e life% or does your boss also find you i$possibleC Is he *ust $ar+ing ti$e until he retires% and views any new ideas as unnecessary or threateningC Is he a guy who needs to be li+ed% and therefore always says nice things about you but fails to give constructive criticis$# Is he the silent type who never lets you +now what he e,pectsC Boes he lac+ $anage$ent s+illsC Is he buried under his own heavy wor+loadC Ar is it so$ething elseC Is he a slave driver who was raised to e,pect perfection of hi$self and othersC If your boss insists on always being right and criticizes any idea that is not his own% he $ay be suffering fro$ low self6estee$ and secretly crave recognition and approval#

7ou can often use your +nowledge of what $otivates your boss to get you what you want# For e,a$ple% with a critical boss you can satisfy so$e of his need for recognition by praising his successes# 7ou can have a candid tal+ with hi$ about how his put6downs $a+e you feel and how you need positive feedbac+ as well as constructive criticis$# If your boss is a perfectionist slave driver% it would ta+e so$e of the pressure off of hi$ if certain decision6$a+ing responsibilities were shifted to a co$$ittee or delegated down# Ane powerful% yet relatively low ris+ way to give a slave driver feedbac+ is in the for$ of a <uestionnaire filled out by all his e$ployees# If your boss is the silent type% you $ay need to confront hi$ regarding his e,pectations of you in the *ob# E,ercise= Bescribe what is difficult about your boss)s behavior= Bescribe what you thin+ $otivates his behavior= Bescribe how you $ight use your understanding of what $otivates hi$ to anticipate his ne,t $ove and deal with hi$ $ore effectively= Dhanging your boss is unli+elyE changing yourself is the easiest way to i$prove your relationship with hi$# Through trial and error% you can develop strategies for effectively influencing your boss# Perhaps you will loo+ for co$$on ground upon which to build your relationship# >aybe soon you will decide to support your boss on points that are i$portant to hi$ and confront hi$ only on the points that are vital to you% and only when he is in a good $ood# When in Conflict, Negotiate .hether you disagree with your boss regarding your salary or with your co6wor+ers about who is going to get coffee% you need to present your position and negotiate a co$pro$ise you all can live with# The following is a brief four6step $odel for you to follow when you want to discuss specific proble$s with your supervisor or co6wor+ers with the ai$ of arriving at a $utually acceptable outco$e# &# State the proble$ /what you perceive to be the cause of your stress2# ?# State how it $a+es you feel# :# State how it affects your productivity and $otivation# (# State win6win /both sides of the conflict get so$ething positive fro$ your solution2# For e,a$ple% Randy% a creative high school teacher% was refused co$pensation for the ti$e he spent developing new courses# Randy told his boss% 5Ever since I realized I wouldn)t receive $oney for $y course develop$ent wor+% $y enthusias$ for teaching has deteriorated# I thin+ $y students have gained tre$endously for $y special classes# They)re now suffering as a result of $y lost $otivation# It)s i$portant to $e and the school to continue creating new classes and to be co$pensated in so$e way# Since the $oney isn)t available% I would be satisfied if I could ta+e one class period each day for a se$ester to develop $y new class#5 The principal)s response was% 5I can)t spare you a period every day% but I would agree to three hours a wee+#5 Randy accepted this wor+able co$pro$ise#