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PART I

The Essence of Adolescence

A dolescence is as much a perplexing time of life as it is an amazing


one. Running roughly between the ages of twelve and twenty-
four (yes, into our mid-twenties!), adolescence is known across cul-
tures as a time of great challenge for both adolescents and the adults
who support them. Because it can be so challenging for everyone
involved, I hope to offer support to both sides of the generational
divide. If you are an adolescent reading this book, it is my hope that
it will help you make your way through the at times painful, at other
times thrilling personal journey that is adolescence. If you are the
parent of an adolescent, or a teacher, a counselor, an athletic coach, or
a mentor who works with adolescents, my hope is that these explora- 1S
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tions will help you help the adolescent in your life not just survive but
thrive through this incredibly formative time.
Let me say from the very start that there are a lot of myths sur-
rounding adolescence that science now clearly shows us are simply
not true. And even worse than being wrong, these false beliefs can
actually make life more difficult for adolescents and adults alike. So
let’s bust these myths right now.
One of the most powerful myths surrounding adolescence is that
raging hormones cause teenagers to “go mad” or “lose their minds.”
That’s simply false. Hormones do increase during this period, but it
is not the hormones that determine what goes on in adolescence. We
now know that what adolescents experience is primarily the result of
changes in the development of the brain. Knowing about these
changes can help life f low more smoothly for you as an adolescent or
for you as an adult with adolescents in your world.
Another myth is that adolescence is simply a time of immaturity
and teens just need to “grow up.” With such a restricted view of the
situation, it’s no surprise that adolescence is seen as something that
everyone just needs to endure, to somehow survive and leave behind
with as few battle scars as possible. Yes, being an adolescent can be
confusing and terrifying as so many things are new and often intense.
And for adults, what adolescents do may seem confounding and even
senseless. Believe me, as the father of two adolescents, I know. The
view that adolescence is something we all just need to endure is very
limiting. To the contrary, adolescents don’t just need to survive ado-
lescence; they can thrive because of this important period of their
lives. What do I mean by this? A central idea that we’ll discuss is that,
in very key ways, the “work” of adolescence—the testing of bound-
aries, the passion to explore what is unknown and exciting—can lay
1S the stage for the development of core character traits that will enable
R adolescents to go on to lead great lives of adventure and purpose.
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THE ESSENCE OF ADOLESCENCE ■ 3

FPO
Interdependency

A third myth is that growing up during adolescence is all about


moving from dependence on adults to independence from them.
While there is a natural and necessary pushing away from the adults
who raised us, adolescents still benefit from relationships with adults.
The healthy move to adulthood is toward interdependence, not com- 1S
plete “do-it-yourself ” independence. The nature of the bonds that R
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adolescents have with their parents as attachment figures changes,


and friends become more important during this period. Ultimately,
we learn to move from needing others’ care during childhood, to
pushing away from our parents and other adults and learning to lean
more on our peers during adolescence, to then learning to both give
care and receive help from others. That’s interdependence. In this
book we’ll explore the nature of these attachments and how our need
for close relationships in our lives continues throughout the life span.
When we get beyond the myths, we are able to see the real truths
they mask, and life for adolescents, and the adults in their lives, gets
a whole lot better.
Unfortunately, what others believe about us can shape how we
see ourselves and how we behave. This is especially true when it
comes to teens and how they “receive” commonly held negative at-
titudes that many adults project (whether directly or indirectly)—
that teens are “out of control,” or “lazy” or “unfocused.” Studies
show that when teachers were told that certain students had “limited
intelligence,” these students performed worse than other students
whose teachers were not similarly informed. But when teachers were
informed that these same students had exceptional abilities, the stu-
dents showed marked improvement in their test scores.  Adolescents
who are absorbing negative messages about who they are and what is
expected of them may sink to that level instead of realizing their true
potential. As the writer Johann W. van Goethe said, “Treat people as
if they were what they ought to be and you help them become what
they are capable of being.”  Adolescence is not a period of being
“crazy” or “immature.” It is an essential time of emotional intensity,
social engagement, and creativity.  This is the essence of how we
“ought” to be, of what we are capable of, and of what we need as
1S individuals and as a human family.
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Brainstorm is set up as follows: The first part examines the essence of


adolescence and how understanding its important dimensions can
create vitality now and throughout the life span. The second part
explores the way the brain grows during adolescence so that we can
make the most of the opportunities this period of life creates for us.
The third part explores how relationships shape our sense of identity
and what we can do to create stronger connections with others and
with ourselves. In the fourth part, we dive into the ways in which
the changes and challenges of adolescence can be best navigated by
being present, by being receptive to what is happening so that we can
be fully aware of the inner and interpersonal aspects of these experi-
ences. I’ll also provide practical steps along the way, in the mindsight
tools sections, which offer science-proven ways to strengthen our
brains and our relationships.
This book is all about understanding and nurturing the essential
features of adolescence to bring the most health and happiness into
the world regardless of what age we are.

The Benefits and Challenges of Adolescence


The essential features of adolescence emerge because of healthy, nat-
ural changes in the brain. Since the brain inf luences both our minds
and our relationships, knowing about the brain can help us with our
inner experience and our social connections to others. In these pages
I’ll show how this understanding and learning the steps to strengthen
the brain in practical ways can help us build a more resilient mind
and more rewarding relationships with others. 1S
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During the teen years, our minds change in the way we remem-
ber, think, reason, focus attention, make decisions, and relate to oth-
ers. From around age twelve to twenty-four, there is a burst of
growth and maturation taking place as never before in our lives.
Understanding the nature of these changes can help us create a more
positive and productive life journey.
I’m the father of two adolescents. I also work as a physician in the
practice of child, adolescent, and adult psychiatry, helping kids, teens,
adults, couples, and families make sense of this exciting time in life.
In addition to working as a psychotherapist, I also teach about mental
health. What has struck me in each of these roles is that there is no
book available that reveals the view that the adolescent period of life
is in reality the one with the most power for courage and creativity.
Life is on fire when we hit our teens. And these changes are not
something to avoid or just get through but to encourage. Brainstorm
was born from the need to focus on the positive essence of this pe-
riod of life for adolescents and for adults.
While the adolescent years may be challenging, the changes in
the brain that help support the unique emergence of the adolescent
mind can create qualities in us that help not only during our adoles-
cent years, if used wisely, but also as we enter adulthood and live
fully as an adult. How we navigate the adolescent years has a direct
impact on how we’ll live the rest of our lives. Those creative qualities
also can help our larger world, offering new insights and innovations
that naturally emerge from the push back against the status quo and
the energy of the teen years.
For every new way of thinking and feeling and behaving with its
positive potential, there is also a possible downside. Yet there is a way
to learn how to make the most of the important positive qualities of
1S the teenage mind during adolescence and to use those qualities well
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Brain changes during the early teen years set up four qualities of
our minds during adolescence: novelty seeking, social engagement,
increased emotional intensity, and creative exploration. There are
changes in the fundamental circuits of the brain that make the ado-
lescent period different from childhood. These changes affect how
teens seek rewards in trying new things, connect with their peers in
different ways, feel more intense emotions, and push back on the
existing ways of doing things to create new ways of being in the
world. Each of these changes is necessary to create the important
shifts that happen in our thinking, feeling, interacting, and decision
making during our adolescence. Yes, these positive changes have
negative possibilities, too. Let’s see how each of these four features of
the adolescent brain’s growth has both upsides and downsides, and
how they fill our lives with both benefits and risks.

1. Novelty seeking emerges from an increased drive for re-


wards in the circuits of the adolescent brain that create the
inner motivation to try something new and feel life more
fully, creating more engagement in life. Downside: Sen-
sation seeking and risk taking that overemphasize the thrill
and downplay the risk resulting in dangerous behaviors
and injury. Impulsivity can make an idea turn into an ac-
tion without pausing to ref lect on the consequences. Up-
side: Being open to change and living passionately emerge
as the exploration of novelty is honed into a fascination for
life and a drive to design new ways of doing things and
living with a sense of adventure.

2. Social engagement enhances peer connectedness and cre-


ates new friendships. Downside: Teens isolated from 1S
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risk behavior, and the total rejection of adults and adult


knowledge and reasoning increases those risks. Upside:
The drive for social connection leads to the creation of
supportive relationships that are the research-proven best
predictors of well-being, longevity, and happiness through-
out the life span.

3. Increased emotional intensity gives an enhanced vitality to


life. Downside: Intense emotion may rule the day, leading
to impulsivity, moodiness, and extreme sometimes unhelp-
ful reactivity. Upside: Life lived with emotional intensity
can be filled with energy and a sense of vital drive that give
an exuberance and zest for being alive on the planet.

4. Creative exploration with an expanded sense of conscious-


ness. An adolescent’s new conceptual thinking and abstract
reasoning allow questioning of the status quo, approaching
problems with “out of the box” strategies, the creation of
new ideas, and the emergence of innovation. Downside:
Searching for the meaning of life during the teen years can
lead to a crisis of identity, vulnerability to peer pressure,
and a lack of direction and purpose. Upside: If the mind
can hold on to thinking and imagining and perceiving the
world in new ways within consciousness, of creatively ex-
ploring the spectrum of experiences that are possible, the
sense of being in a rut that can sometimes pervade adult life
can be minimized and instead an experience of the “ordi-
nary being extraordinary” can be cultivated. Not a bad
strategy for living a full life!

1S In a nutshell, the brain changes of adolescence offer both risk and


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individuals on the journey or as adults walking with them—can help


guide the ship that is our life into treacherous places or into exciting
adventures. The decision is ours.

Maintaining the Power and Purpose of the


Adolescent Mind into Adulthood
Too often I hear adults come to my practice and say that their life is
in a rut. They feel “stuck” or “empty,” have lost their novelty-seek-
ing drive and are filled with the boredom of just doing the same old
things over and over again. They also find their lives filled with a
lack of social connectedness—they feel isolated and alone. And for
many, life has lost its emotional intensity, things feel lackluster, even
boring. This ennui can lead to apathy or even depression and despair.
Nothing seems to matter; nothing seems to feel alive or vital. When
adults stop using their potential for creative exploration, the way
they reason and approach life’s problems becomes simply a repeated
familiar routine and imagination goes out the window. Life can be-
come, well, lifeless. When adults lose the creative power of the ado-
lescent mind, their lives can lose vitality and become meaningless.
The playfulness and humor that emerge from the creation of new
combinations of things are essential to keep our lives full of vitality.
Hang out with teens and you’ll often hear laughter and hysterics.
And sometimes you’ll hear a lot of crying. So emotional intensity
can bring joy, and it can bring tears, for sure. Hang out with many
adults, and you’ll often hear predominantly serious talk. Yes, life is
serious. But we can bring joy and humor to these lives we lead. We
need to live with humor and zest, not in spite of the world’s problems
but because of them. 1S
Yet when adults lose the four distinguishing features of adoles- R
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