The Nature of Explanation in Sexology

and the Riddle of Triolism

Uri Wernik, Psy.D

"Triolism (or Troilism) is a sexual variance in which, ordinarily three people

participate in a series of sexual practices." (McCary, 1978, p.484). According

to this definition, four combinations of participants are possible: all males, all

females, two females and a male, two males and a female. This article deals

with the last possibility, namely, a couple married (or cohabitants) who is

joined by another male. The first three possibilities are actually a variant of

group sex with flexible roles and mutuality of experience. In the fourth case,

however, it is usually the husband who initiates a situation that enables him to

watch and be watched during sexual activity.

Goethe said that, "in her abnormalities nature reveals her secrets". Triolism is

certainly not an abnormality in the clinical sense. It is rather a very

uncommon sexual variety. Yet, the investigation of what initially seems to be

of marginal significance or just a curiosity sometimes yields unexpected

results. In this case, first of all a phenomenon considered by many to be

bizarre and defying common sense, is described and explained. Secondly, a

closer examination of Triolism reveals different aspects of sexuality at large

not realized before. Thirdly, and perhaps the most important, triolism

becomes a case in point in examining the nature of explanation itself in

Sexology.
In the next section the "riddle" will be presented and different explanatory

approaches to the phenomenon will be considered and criticized. After that,

some empirical findings will be presented. Males who participate in triolism

usually do not see it as a problem and do not ask for psychotherapy. Many of

them like to document and share their experiences with other readers of

journals such as Forum -- The International Journal of Human Relations. In

fact, content analysis (Holsti, 1969) was performed on 50 consecutive letters

that appeared in this journal from May1982 until April 1986 (Note 1).

The Riddle of Triolism and its Established Explanations

Extra-marital sexual relation is a problematic issue in the life of couples. The

reason could be that we were socialized to believe in "one true love", that

"love and sex go together" and to accept the values implied in the terms

"fidelity" and "adultery". Many of us are prone to possessiveness and

jealousy. Thus, a partner's affair is considered as a threat or an insult. And

yet, as Kinsey (1948) so elegantly pointed out, on the issue of monogamy,

socialization and biology clash. Sex with others is often desired by individuals

who either "cheat" or reach some agreement with their spouses e.g. swinging,

short interludes at conventions, "O.K. as long as spouse knows/doesn't know

about it."

Triolism is a completely different story. Here the husband is not interested in

having an extra-marital relationship, but rather in his wife having one. Being
the opposite of the usual state of affairs described above, it is seen by many

as an absurdity, as an act damaging to self and to the marriage.

The most common explanation of the riddle of triolism is in terms of

voyeurism-exhibitionism (McCary, 1978 p.334). And yet, the differences

between these phenomena and the behavior to be explained here is more

significant than the possible similarities. The typical voyeur (e.g. one who

spies on and watches women living on ground floor getting undressed) and

the typical exhibitionist (e.g. one who opens up his raincoat and exposes

himself at the central bus station) are both considered by the community to be

criminals, or at least as causing an outrageous unwelcome disturbance. The

triolist, on the other hand, gets what he desires with a certain style. He does

not abuse or hurt those who are not interested. He enters a relationship of

give and take: to his wife he gives variety and adventure without guilt feelings;

to the other male he supplies sex without involvement and to himself an

opportunity to watch and be watched.

Another attempt at explanation is done by using the concept of latent or

disguised homosexuality (Bieber, 1962) i.e. the husband is symbolically

having sex with the other male, through his own wife or by identifying himself

with her. This explanation has to be rejected for the simple reason that it is

impossible to prove that something latent does not exist. Thus it can be said

that anyone who is not a manifest homosexual - is a latent one. An

explanation that can explain everything or everybody - does not explain

anything!

Triolism, not surprisingly, invites speculation in terms of the Oedipal Complex.

Nowadays though, vulgar theorizing is not easily accepted. Reframing the

triolitic situation in terms of the Oedipal one is what Ernest Nagel calls a

pseudo explanation (1962, pp.36f) "in which the premise simply rebaptizes

the facts to be explained by coining new names for them.”

On the Nature of Explanation in Sexology

In 1986 we commemorated the centennial of the publication of Kraft Ebing's

Psychopathia Sexualis (l886). In l996, we will celebrate another centennial

that of the publication of Havelock Ellis' Studies in the Psychology of Sex

(l896). These two persons represent two opposed views on sexuality: One is

inhibitory, judgmental and operates according to a medical disease model. In

this view, behaviors are classified and labeled according to different lists of

symptoms and "deviations." The other is relativistic, non-judgmental and tries

to understand all sexual manifestations in the context of culture, history and

human nature. Today's students of sexuality, knowingly or unknowingly, are

their descendents.

Designating a behavior as a deviation, or explaining it in terms of assumed

pathology, e.g. exhibitionism, latent homosexuality - is for practical purposes,

as if saying: "there is a person who is categorically unlike me." This is very

unlike, for example, explaining a genius as a person who is very high on

creativity and intelligence. Such formulation makes the phenomenon only

quantitatively different from other forms of human existence. This is not only a

problem of scientific soundness or human decency: Theories in Sexology as

well as in Psychology are used as tools for therapy and change, and the test

of a theory is in its application.

A central part in all psychotherapies is the act of turning the strange and

illogical into the familiar and the reasonable. This theme is treated extensively

by Frank (l973) and Torey (l973). The established explanations of triolism fail

exactly at this point. Saying that triolistic behavior is related to exhibitionism-

voyeurism creates antipathy rather than empathy. It does not help us realize

that it is familiar enough or that it makes some sense, and that given certain

circumstances and characteristics, we could imagine ourselves being

interested in such behavior.

Oversimplification, in which a complex behavior is understood in terms of one

cause, and use of standard explanations, that do not take into account the

unique and specific in every case, are other drawbacks of the traditional

approaches to explanation.

In the next section of this paper, I will present descriptive information about

triolism gleaned from the sample of letters. I will then offer an alternative to

the theories which were earlier rejected and in their place, propose a model of

three factors. Thus, each individual can be uniquely understood in terms of

some of these factors in addition to others that are not shared with the rest of

the triolistic population.

The Triolistic Encounter, Its Development and Effects

Correspondents' Characteristics

51 letters describing triolistic experiences were identified. 40 (78%) were

written by husbands (including one not formally married), 9 (18%) by wives

(one not formally married) and 2 (4%) were written by males who joined a

couple sexually.

Age was mentioned in the case of 8 males only. It ranged from 25 to 48

years, averaging 38. Age was mentioned regarding 8 females as well. It

ranged from 24 to 50 years, averaging 35. In 6 cases the age of both

husband and wife was given. In all cases, the husband was older; the

difference ranging from 1 to 20 years, averaging 5 years. No generalizations

can be made with such a narrow data base.

In 17 letters, length of marriage was mentioned, ranging from 2 to 35 years,

averaging 14 years.

The "other" males' Identity

In 46 letters, the identity or some characteristics of the males who joined the

couples were given. 11 (24%) were strangers with whom the couple made

contact in a bar or an x-rated movie house. 10 (22%) were friends; 5 of the

wife and5 of the husband. 9 (19%) were black males - a fact which was

emphasized by the husbands. 5 (11%) were delivery boys. 5 (11%) were

anonymous observers, e.g. highway drivers. 4(9%) were met through an ad

in a swingers' magazine and 2(4%) were family members.

The Triolistic Encounter

Each letter, when applicable, was analyzed according to five categories. A

summary of the main findings is given below.

I. Source of husband's sexual excitement: Most of the husbands

(25=50%) were sexually excited by the other male’s manifestations of arousal

in response to the triolisitc situation. Some (11=22%) were aroused by

observing their own wife’s arousal. In the rest of the cases (14=28%) the
husband’s arousal was in response to a combination of the two, or its source

was not clear.

II. Method of husband's participation: Direct observation, occasionally

accompanied by photographing (pictures or video), was the most common

way of participation (28=68%). Some husbands (7=17%) preferred listening to

their wife’s detailed descriptions of sexual affairs, while others were satisfied

fantasizing triolistic scenes involving their wife and a strange male.

III. Exposure only: In five cases (10%), the triolistic activity consisted only of

exposure of the wife's nakedness or the couple's oral sexual activity without

direct contact of either of them with the other male or males. In all these

cases, it was clearly the husband's initiative with the full cooperation of his

wife. In most cases, the wife exposed her breasts or thighs and both husband

and wife enjoyed seeing reactions of arousal in other males, who were

strangers to them.

IV. Sexual practices of wives and other males: Most "wife and other male"

couples had intercourse (17=50%). A second large group (14=41%) had oral

sex, and the smallest group (3=9%) had foreplay only.

V. Degree of husband's involvement: 7 (39%) husbands took part in an

oral-genital threesome. 5 (28%) took turns with the other male, and had sex

with their wives before or after him. 4 (22%) had oral sex with the other male,

while 2 (11%) masturbated while watching.

Husbands whose source of excitement was their wife’s arousal preferred

threesomes, while husbands who were excited by the arousal of the other

male preferred oral sex with him or masturbation.

To recapitulate, one can generalize and say that triolistic husbands are mostly

excited by manifestations of sexual arousal in the other-invited male. Most of

them seek opportunity to observe and a minority seeks situations of exposure.

Homosexual experiences are rare, and oral sex was highly emphasized in all

the "wife-other male" scenes. Only in 35% of the cases did the husband

participate in any way in the sexual encounter of his wife with the other male.

Development of Triolism

Four patterns of Development of Triolism were identified, although in many

cases there was a combination of two patterns or more.

I. Premeditated: This is the most common pattern to be found in 21 (42%)

cases. In the first stage, triolism is a possibility that fascinates only the

husband. In the second stage, characteristically, he starts fantasizing it, in

and out of his sexual relations with his wife. In the third stage, the husband

attempts to enact his fantasy by convincing his wife to cooperate. At this

point, the next stages are dependent on the wife's reaction. If she agrees to

cooperate, they go to make arrangements and agreements. If not, he does

one of the following: gives up and continues to fantasize or puts more

pressure on his wife, e.g. threatens to leave or uses the strategy of "gradual

approximation."

II. Reactive: In this mode, the wife is having or wishing to experience an

extra-marital sexual affair. Incidentally, the husband learns about it either by

chance or by her own disclosure. Some react immediately with fascination;

ask for vivid details and descriptions and encourage their wife to continue the

affair or have other relations with them observing. Others react with hurt,
obsessively fantasize about the situation, which in turn, becomes erotically

arousing, and leads to a request for repetition. About a quarter of the sample

describes such a development (N=12, 24%).

III. Mutual: Triolism develops in a couple whose sex life deteriorated due to

boredom and routine. They start fantasizing another male in bed or take

advantage of a chance meeting with one, create an erotic atmosphere which

leads to a sexual encounter between him and wife. About a quarter of the

sample describes such a pattern (N=13, 26 %(.

IV. Incidental: Whereas in the premeditated pattern, different psychological

motivations can be easily detected, in the present pattern the husband

describes a specific event that instigated his triolistic interest. Only four men

(8%) describe such learning. One man for example used to watch his friend

while copulating in a brothel; another, who ejaculated prematurely and

performed cunnilingus to satisfy his wife, felt a strong aversion to his own

semen but after a while found it arousing and wanted contact with other

males' semen too.

Triolism's Effects on the Couple

The decision itself, to write and have the journal publish a triolistic experience,

might as well be self selective. It is plausible that those that felt adverse

effects - did not write at all. 35 (80%) letters described positive effects; 9

(20%) described negative ones. One positive effect was in the area of

sexuality: 9 letters described a generally improved sex life; 7 relate to a

vigorous and exciting sexual experience, the couple had after the other male

left; 3 mentioned disinhibition of the wife; 3 describe a sense of excitement,

variety and adventure as a couple; in two cases triolism enabled the husband

to get an erection.

A second positive main effect was on the system of relationship as a whole. 5

letters described increased closeness and strengthened friendship between

the two ("we have a really special secret that the two of us share"). 2 letters

related to feelings of kindness and satisfaction ("It makes me very happy to

know she is fulfilled") and two letters mentioned feelings of pride with the

wife's effect on other males.

The negative effects were: 3 letters described husband's feelings of jealousy,

hurt and anger; 3 letters mentioned wife's secret extra-marital affairs besides

triolism; 2 husbands reported dependency on triolism to get an erection, and

in one case, the wife got pregnant without knowing who was the father. Some

couples described active coping to prevent negative effects e.g. "We have an

understanding that if we ever do this again we would look upon it as if we

were playing with a toy." In other couples, a differentiation was made

between love and sex: while the husband is "making love" the other male is

"just having sex." Another husband says: "I did not share her love, I share her

vagina."

A Three Factors Model of Triolism

Based on content analysis of letters dealing with triolism, three groups of

factors emerge as crucial to the understanding of the phenomenon.

Delineation of these factors also contributes to the understanding of sexuality

at large, as each one of them is significant by itself and in relation to other

issues in addition to triolism. These factors are:

 Sexuality in the framework of marriage.

 The role of visuality in human sexuality.

 Coping with inhibitions in sexual functioning.

It is not at all necessary that in any given case of triolism, all these factors will

play an equal part and of course, idiosyncratic factors have to be taken into

consideration as well. Thus triolism can be conceived as a result of a problem

solving process in which a person finds a creative combined solution to the

three concerns mentioned before. Following is a discussion of these factors.

Sexuality in the Framework of Marriage

The chains of matrimony are so heavy that it takes two

to carry them - sometimes three.

Alexander Dumas

Some dilemmas are inherent in the institution of marriage and must be

confronted by all who enter it. The way these are dealt with is crucial to the

nature of their relationship and sexuality. Such a dilemma is discussed by

Haley (1963): once a couple is married, they no longer know if they are

together because they so want and choose, or because they are already

married. Another is mentioned in Thomas Mann's Doctor Faustus (1968). In

this novel Adrian Levenkuhn talks about "the domestication of sex." The
relationship between lovers is based upon strangeness, and once it is

proclaimed that "these twain shall be one flesh" - strangeness ends..

Marriage like any other human system is prone to power struggles. Husbands

and wives fight over "who will be the boss." Yet, in closed systems

(McDonald, 1980) one can't really win: the other can always find ways to get

back or if worse comes to worse, leave.

Thus, for the married person, the task at hand is a complicated balancing act

among different demands: Revival of declining sexual desire and introducing

excitement into a routine love life; bringing an element of free choice or at

least its illusion, into a system of predetermined commitment; becoming the

powerful party in the couple or avoid being the weak one.

Male sexuality is characterized by a process of comparison with other males,

real or imagined (Zilbergeld, 1978), which enables self-rating of adequacy as

a lover. This issue is related to the fear of desertion i.e. being left by one's

spouse for not fulfilling her perceived expectations, in this case, in the sexual

area.

Rightly so or not, people tend to feel that if their spouse gets a lover, it is a

sign that they have failed a test or were declared inferior lovers. Among the

dilemmas confronted by a married person is the issue of dealing with the

possibility or the reality of a spouse's extra-marital affair and the handling of

the painful emotion of jealousy.

Tripp (1975) emphasized the role of impediments (accidental or deliberate) as

necessary precursors in the psychology of sexual arousal: "It is important to

remember that the transgressing of barriers is itself a major element in

promoting sexual arousal."(p.114). Thus, triolists solve the problem of routine

by breaking taboos, by introducing variety and excitement around finding,

watching and dismissing another male.

I suggest seeing triolism as one possible answer to some or all of the above

dilemmas. By this very act, the triolist sees himself as dominant in the

relationship: he treats his wife as an object, makes her do things she would

not have agreed to, and creates for the couple situations of choice. The

triolist, in a counter-phobic style, does not worry or suffer with regard to his

wife's adultery, because it is he himself who brings her lovers or encourages

her to have affairs. He feels safe because all his wife's perceived sexual

needs are abundantly provided for. He can also see himself as a winner in a

competition with other males, as he is the one to stay home after the others

are gone.

The issues of jealousy and envy, domination and objectification are especially

salient in the triolists' letters and will be further discussed.

Jealousy and Envy: Jealousy is usually understood as a response to a

noxious stimulus. In this sample it also serves as a stimulus, an aphrodisiac.

This is one of the themes in Tinto Brass's 1983 movie La Chiave (The Key), in

which a husband encourages his wife to have an affair with their daughter's

fiancé, and discovers that the feelings of jealousy create a state of unusual

arousal. Pozdnychev in Tolstoy’s Kreutzer Sonata is aware of this

phenomenon and says: "Our arguments were terrifying....followed by equally

incensed paroxysms of animal sexuality." Erica Jong in her How to Save

Your Life calls it "Kendall's first law of jealousy": "Jealousy makes the prick

grow harder and the cunt wetter. It's so common you wouldn't believe it."
When a person feels envied for having a sexually attractive spouse, a similar

effect is in existence. Some jealousy is aroused, and the person can also

appreciate his spouse's attractiveness, as if thinking that if others want her,

she must be worthy of it.

Domination and Objectification: By making his wife do things she ordinarily

would have refused, and by turning her into a sex object that can be used at

will - the triolist becomes dominant and in his own view, the winner in a power

struggle. Thus, expressions like "borrowing”,” be my guest”,” pimp for her" -

signify the husband's perceived control over his wife. Themes of humiliation

and group rape are to be found in some letters.

Coinciding with the issue of dominance is a tendency, on one hand to

dehumanize the female and describe her as a whore or a "bitch in heat", and

on the other hand, to use her as a means to create male solidarity.

Alternatively, it can be said that some triolists are either, afraid of intimacy with

their wives, or feel safer in creating a bond or a coalition with males out of the

relationship and against the wife. Dominance and objectification are clear and

central themes in13 (26%) letters.

The role of visuality in human sexuality

Heart and eyes are the two procurers of sin

The Jerusalemite Talmud

Sight is to human beings, what smell is to other mammals. "Sex appeal" is a

visual appeal, and hence the expression “loves at first sight." People watch

how others look and do their best to look good themselves. Many cultural
phenomena are related to the centrality of the visual channel for the

processing of sexual information: advertising, television, cinema, diets,

fashions, cosmetics, gymnastics, etc.

Secondary sex characteristics, such as body shape, hair, voice - usually

serves as attraction and arousal signals. Sometimes it can be minute

gestures, such as the blowing in the wind of a woman's hair or a smile, which

triggers desire. In the 1982 Playboy survey, 55% of the thousands of males

who were interviewed ranked physical appearance as of prime importance in

sexual arousal. Only a third of the female readers felt the same.

Generally, men are considered to be visualists and thus find interest in books,

pictures, and movies displaying nudity, while women are less so (Money, Note

2). "This erotic scopophilia, love of looking, serves as an anticipatory

response to sexual possibilities," says Singer (1974, p. 50). "Whether he is

sitting at a café, waiting for a train, walking through a shop, looking at

paintings, or watching a movie -- the male uses his eyes for visual

consummations which are clearly sexual, even if they do not lead to orgasm."

Singer distinguishes between the sensuous and the passionate in sexuality:

"For some people, sexual experience amounts to little more than the

sensuous and even the end pleasure of orgasmic relief becomes subordinate

to the delights of sensory enjoyment. For others, however, sexuality is

charged (on some occasions at least) with emotions of yearning, caring, hope,

anticipation, joy, oneness, overwhelming tension followed by a dying or

dissipation of feelings, a final release of sexual energy" (p.41f).

In the case of triolists, sensuality, and to be more specific, visuality

predominates and not passion. I suggest that visuality itself can be analyzed
into different styles that are actually ends on a continuum. People can either

be concrete visualizers (CV) or fantasizers (F).

Different kinds of magazines can be found at the "adult" sections of

bookstores, and each of them aims to please a specific group of customers.

For their arousal, CVs prefer pictures of women that are not only nude, but

also have expressions - evidence of arousal on their faces and/or while

having sex with a nude male. Fs on the other hand, prefer pictures portraying

only partial to full nudity. They prefer to supplement the erotic context in their

own mind.

There is another difference between the two styles. Fs do not pay much

attention to their own arousal. It is seen merely as a means for achieving

orgasm. For CVs, on the other hand, arousal is often an end in itself ("I had

such a strong erection...") much examined and enjoyed often more satisfying

and replacing the orgasm.

An F performs the miracle of "being there while being somewhere else" -

namely, have sex with a partner and if he so wishes, imagine that he or she

(the partner) is with someone else. A CV can not do that. For him, fantasy is

a serious matter - something to be enacted and not just contemplated; a need

state that has to be satiated and not a pleasant diversion by itself.

In order to see better, the CV as if in an art gallery, has to step back. He can't

be both an observer and a participant, and often he can't concentrate on

observing while being seen. In coping with this, the triolist delegates the role

of actor to another male, enabling himself to be a dedicated observer, who

occasionally also uses aids (mirrors, cameras) and collects evidence (stained

pants etc).
Photographic technology often enables the visualizer to solve his dilemma in

a different way: he can take pictures of himself participating and later,

undisturbed and uninvolved, enjoy pure observation.

Early life experience and "scopophilia": So called "dynamic" explanations

of triolism in terms of latent homosexuality or oedipal complex were rejected

at the beginning of this article. And yet, if "dynamic" means a

conceptualization of present events as symbolizing or fulfilling related past

needs, a different dynamic hypothesis can be offered. Namely, that an

interest in triolism is related to children's curiosity and fascination with their

parent's "secret" sex life.

Much was written about the "primal scene" i.e. a child watching or hearing his

parents in the act of coitus. The child's reaction can consist of fear (of an

activity that is construed as violent), guilt (doing what is forbidden),arousal, or

a combination of all the above.

A related critical experience is that of childhood sex-games that are usually

carried on in small groups where the participants are not always of the same

age. The main activity in such games is of mutual watching.

Kinsey (1948, pp.165-8) stood the psychoanalytical approach to

homosexuality on its head. It is not that homosexuals have unconscious

needs for experience with members of their own sex, but rather that all people

have “larger scope sexuality" and some of them such as heterosexuals

suppressed part of it. In a similar way, it is suggested that triolists: 1. had

prototriolistic experiences (primal scene, group sex-games). 2. experienced

arousal in them and 3. did not repress them. As a result, in adulthood, they
can replicate the basic situation of watching a couple, reach legitimate arousal

and/or gain more understanding about what was once a mystery for them.

This formulation is quite speculative and gains support from two letters only:

one describing the husband’s satisfaction in secretly watching his wife and

another male engage in oral sex. In the second letter, the husband invites his

son to watch his mother (wife) naked, without her knowledge. And when

copulating, the husband fantasizes the boy watching his mom, and sees his

wife as if through the son's eyes.

Overcoming Inhibitions in Sexual Functioning

A person without any inhibitions - is a pig;

A person who overcomes an inhibition - is an artist.

Karl Kraus

Triolism may be a solution to the problem of a person's or a couple's inhibition

of sexual expression and satisfaction. It can be initiated or encouraged by

either husband or wife, and in the best tradition of human miscommunication,

such an issue is not always explicitly discussed. The discussion will be

organized according to four areas of inhibition.

Liberating a sexually inhibited wife: Some letters deal with a couple,

where typically the wife is "frigid" namely, one who refuses to totally undress,

is passive in lovemaking, conservative in positions and generally leaves her

husband in a state of frustration. The husband is obsessed with overcoming

her inhibitions, and in order to do so, encourages her to have an extra-marital

affair.

The implicit reasoning here is that deep within her hides a soul of a whore that

must be released. This is done by "shock treatment" - crashing her moral

code: An extra marital affair which is considered a severe moral offense in

Judeo-Christian ethics (punished by death in the Bible) makes nudity or oral

sex with one's husband look relatively trivial.

The "Madonna - Puttana" dichotomy: When a negative attitude i.e. sex is

“dirty" or "bad" exists - a quite common result is the differentiation between

"bad-dirty" women-whores who "do it" and "good-clean" women-ladies-saints

who do not. Sometimes males with negative attitudes make a distinction

between "usual-accepted-normal" sex i.e. intercourse and "perverted-wicked"

sex i.e. fellatio. Characteristically, such men can function sexually with other

women, but not with their own wives.

Yet, not all males agree or dare having extra-marital affairs, and in addition,

their wives demand their conjugal rights. In such a case, the husband is

confronted with the cognitive dissonance of "doing something negative" with a

wife that is regarded positively. The resolution of this takes place first of all by

denial (it's not me, it's the other male) and then by reversing the attitude

towards the wife: A woman who has an extra marital affair or a woman who

performs fellatio on strangers is not a lady-saint anymore, and if she is "bad”

-- "bad" things can be done with her. In 18 (35%) letters, the husbands

watched and described in their writing, their wives performing fellatio with

other males.
Dealing with one's perceived sexual inadequacy: A sense of sexual

inadequacy is related to a naive acceptance of what Zilbergeld (1978) calls

"The Fantasy Model of Sex." The relevant chapter in his book is actually

titled: "it is two feet long, hard as steel, and can go all night." A precondition

for such inadequacy is an exposure to myth supporting media e.g.

pornographic movies, lack of decent sex education and a sexually

unsophisticated female partner.

For these males, love making is conceived as a specialized skill, as a

collection of techniques or tricks, and not as a free flowing act of self-

expression. Not having the right kind of equipment and/or not knowing how to

use it properly, they see themselves as inadequate lovers and a

disappointment to their wives. Thus they either try to compensate for their

shortcomings by delegating their duties to a more skillful lover and/or try to

learn through real life modeling, or from their wife's detailed account of extra-

marital sex.

The size of the other male's penis is emphasized in 10 (20%) letters. In this

context, it is not surprising that black males are often chosen as the husband's

proxy. These males accept uncritically the myth of black men's penis size and

sexual prowess. A discussion of this issue in terms of prejudice is to be found

in Allport (1958).

Eroticization of semen: One surprising finding in the present analysis is the

erotic significance of semen for some men. Female aversion to semen is a

problem frequently dealt with in sex therapy, as it restricts the couple's sexual

free expression. Men's attitude towards semen was not investigated before,

although it was hinted at: Thus, in pornographic movies men sometimes

ejaculate on their partner's body, as if to make it dirty. The anonymous author

of My Secret Life published about 1888, already described a "kink" of his: He

liked to get into girls who were still full of another man's seed. An erotic

concern with semen was found in 17 (34%) letters. Of these, 11 (65%)

related to the other male's sperm and 6 (35%) to the mixture or contact of the

two males' sperm in the wife's vagina.

Based on the letters, the following explanations can be suggested to account

for this fascination

I. Males do not readily differentiate between ejaculation and orgasm. The first

is an objective event that can be visualized; the second is subjective and can

only be deducted or imagined. It was already claimed that triolists are

concrete visualizers. Thus, the sperm becomes the reification of the ultimate

in sexual experience. Six husbands reported becoming aroused to the point

of erection or ejaculation while observing the other male's ejaculate.

II. The amount of semen is, for some triolists, an equivalent to penis size; the

larger both are, the greater the other male's perceived potency. Similarly, the

act of filling up the wife's vagina with semen becomes a concrete measure of

one's virility. Five husbands emphasized quantitative aspects of semen.

III. Finding semen an attractive stimulus could be a learned response i.e.

associating its taste and smell during cunnilingus with one's own arousal.

Such learning can take place in an attempt to overcome one's own or

spouse's initial aversion to it. Four letters belong to this category.

IV. Concern with semen in some cases is connected with the issue of

domination and objectification mentioned before. The mixing of the two

males' semen becomes almost a ritual, which symbolizes their bond-coalition

(just like blood mixing in some societies) as well as a primitive, derogatory

and property claiming act (similar to the use of urine to mark a territory).

Last but not least: the “other” male

Sexual inhibitions can also be the motivating force in the other male’s

readiness to take part in a triolistic arrangement. Obviously, this does not

necessitate any dating skills, or commitment to a long term relationship. Such

an arrangement leaves no room for responsibility or intimacy. He doesn’t have

to be by himself with a woman, as the husband is there to watch and direct

him. And to top it all, the situation itself defines him as better in sex than the

husband.

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Note 1: The authenticity of these letters was vouched for, in a personal

conversation with Philip Nobile, Forum's Editor.

Note 2: Dr. John Money, Testimony before a hearing of the Senate

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