You Live on a Farm with Talking Animals, but the Animals are very Cynical CYOA

By DoctorSlappy

You live on a farm with talking animals, but the animals are very critical of you and the way in
which you run your farm. The chickens constantly complain that their seed is unsatisfactory. The
pig believes that you're trying to poison his slop, and refuses to eat. The goat has the mouth of a
sailor and the horse constantly makes horse puns.

One day you call a meeting in the barn to address the issues that the animals have raised. What
do you do?

A) Tell them to shut up and be happy with what they have.

B) Listen to each and every one of their concerns.
C) Slaughter the animals.

C) Slaughter the animals.

Once Ass-Licking Dog and Sexually Explicit Donkey make their way into the barn, everyone is
present. You close the barn door and lock it, trapping all the animals inside. Sexually Explicit
Donkey likes this. "I can see a few good paths that this can lead down." He winks to the pig. The
pig looks extremely weak; he's close to passing out from malnutrition. Sexually donkey walks to
the semi-circle you've created as your announcement area and begins talking. "Well, I'd like to
start off this meeting with my own announcement. I will be changing my name to Sexually
Terrible Donkey. I know that it doesn't flow as well as my old name, but I recently contracted
hepatitis, and I really want to be able to say 'Hey everyone! This STD has an STD!' OK. That
will be all from me."
You're disgusted. "How in the hell did you contract hepatitis?"
"The neighbor's son gave it to me. He has some strange interests, he does."
The Sailor Mouth Goat becomes restless. "Why the **** are we here? I could be doing plenty of
other **** while we ****ing yammer on about bull**** that no one even ****ing gives two
****s about."
You confront him. "Jesus, can we turn off the language?"
The goat isn't having it. "I'll ****ing turn off my ****ing language when you ****ing grow a
pair of balls and ****ing start running this farm like it should be you dumbass bastard."

You grin maniacally. "Actually, I've decided to do something about the farm. I'm tired of you
whiny animals, so I'm just going to kill all of you and buy some ****ing non-talking animals."
Bad Pun Horse has something to add. "What? Are you tired of our horsing around?" He looks
around for some laughter.
"Shut the **** up, horse. Didn't you hear what he said?", the goat asks.

Just then, the pig's two week period of starvation catch up to him. He begins convulsing and
drops to the ground, dead. The chickens freak out, "He's killing us with his mind! SCATTER!"
All of the animals begin running nervously throughout the barn.

What do you do?

A) Use their personality traits to kill them.

B) Convince the animals to fight eachother.
C) Find a weapon in the barn.
D) Grab an animal and use it as a weapon.
A) Use their personality traits to kill them.

The first target definitely should be the horse because he annoys the hell out of everyone, not just
you. However, you'll have to induce him into a trap. "Hey Horse, I'm better than you because I
can stand on two legs." All that's left for him to do is take the bait.
"Well look who is up on his high horse." The horse smirks.
The goat is enraged. "Jesus! Shut the **** up, Horse! If you make one more horse pun, I'm
charging at you."
The horse initiates a staring match with the goat and finally asks, "What? Are you tired of my
horse****?"

The goat backs up and then sprints at the horse, horns pointed at his head. The horse tries to
avoid getting stabbed in the head, but can't make it out of the way in time, and accidentally ends
up getting the goat's horns in the throat. The horns sliced the horse's jugular vein and blood pours
out of him. The horse dies in a matter of minutes while the animals scream and run around him.
You grab a chicken and break its neck, throwing it to the side. Ass-Licking Dog is oblivious to
the situation, but is very aware of how dirty his anus is. You chase after another chicken and
accidentally run into Ass-Licking Dog, forcing his entire his head his into his head. The dog is
stuck inside himself and soon suffocates. You were never actually sure if Ass-Licking Dog could
talk, as his tongue was always preoccupied. All of the chickens are now dead, and the only ones
that are left are the goat, the donkey, and Unsuccessfully Stealthy Cow who thinks you can't see
him behind that bale of hay.

What do you do?

A) Kill the rest.

B) Buy some ****ing non-talking animals.
C) Find the neighbor's son and relentlessly beat him for being such a weirdo.
D) Cook the dead animals.

(Bump, and sorry about the "head into his head" part. It's supposed to be "forcing his head into
his ass.")

C) Find the neighbor's son and relentlessly beat him for being such a weirdo.

You look to the other animals, covered in blood. Well, actually only the goat was covered in
blood. The cow was hiding and Sexually Terrible Donkey was getting aroused by it. However,
the goat fought valiant enough for all three of them, and you sort of like the donkey. "OK guys.
It's over. I'm done."
"You're done? What do you mean you're done? You ****ing kill all but three of us and now
you're done?" the goat is angry.
"Yes. I'm the human. I run the farm. If I want to kill all of you, then so be it. What can you three
do to stop me?"
The donkey speaks up. "I could give you hepatitis."

That reminds you- you should kick the **** out of that neighbor kid for three reasons. One- he's
stupid enough to get hepatitis at such a young age. Two- he's having sex with animals. Three-
he's having sex with your animals. You motion for the animals to follow you. For once, they
comply without objection. "Alright guys. Here's the deal. I'm going over to the neighbor's yard to
beat some normalcy into the kid. Who wants in?"
The donkey is not. "I'm not. He gave me hepatitis."
"Hepatitis is not a good thing, Donkey."
"What?"
"....You're kidding, right?"
"...Fine. I'm in."
"How about you, Goat?"
The goat shakes his head. "Man, **** this ****. I don't want any more blood on my hooves."
"Fine. You coming Cow?"
There is no response from Unsuccessfully Stealthy Cow.
"We know you're behind the bale of hay."
The cow walks out. "Sure, I'll come."

You devise a plan. The donkey will call the neighbor's kid out into the yard for some lovin'.
You'll be hiding against the door and will punch him as soon as he comes out. "What should I
do?" asks the cow.
"I don't know. You can give support or something."
"I'll hide behind that tree."
"You'll be in plain view."
The cow laughs as if you have made a joke. You just shake your head.

With everyone in place, the donkey begins yelling at the window, "Hey boy! Apparently there's
more than one type of hepatitis. I think you've ripped me off, somehow. Come on down here and
give me the rest!"
The kid pops his head out the window and smiles. "Be right there."
You hear him running through the house, and he barrels through the door. You immediately give
him a right hook to the jaw, knocking him to the ground, unconscious.

What do you do?

A) Beat him anyway.

B) Let the donkey have his way with him.
C) Return to the farm and try to get things back to normal.
D) Take your donkey to the veteranian to inquire about animal hepatitis medication.

B) Let the donkey have his way with him.

Sexually Terrible Donkey stares at you menacingly. "Did you have to be so rough on him?"
"What part of 'Lure him outside so I can kick the **** out of him' didn't you understand?" you
ask.
"I thought you were doing some sort of anal clearance."
"What?"
"You know. Kick the **** out of him? It sounded kinky. And who doesn't like their anus cleared
every once in a while?"
"Alright. You're literally making me sick. I'm close to vomitting."
"Aim for his face."
"Holy....Come on Cow! We're done here!"
"Well what about him?" the donkey asks.
"I've done what I came to do. The rest is up to you."

You open the gate and lead the Unsuccessfully Stealthy Cow through, leaving the donkey to
fulfill whatever sick fantasies he has on the kid. The cow returns to the barn, and you go into
your house for a snack and some TV. About an hour later, you hear a knock on the door. You
open it and see Sexually Terrible Donkey pacing on the porch. "What's the matter?"
"We have a problem. I thin kI may have killed him."
"What? How?"
"Well, I've always had this fantasy of doing someone in a hole."
"You want to have sex with someone underground. Yeah, who hasn't had that fantasy? I know I
have."
"Well, actually, not underground. I just wanted his head and upper body in the hole, while I was
at sea level, having sex with his lower body. So anyway, I dug a hole, and threw his body in head
first, and he fit into the hole perfectly. So I began to go to town on his above ground parts, and
heard a snap. So I dragged his body out of the hole and his neck was broken."
"So let me get this straight....You railed him so hard, that he died?"
"Yeah. To be honest it's kind of turning me on."
"****."

What do you do?

A) Run over to the neighbor's yard and try to cover up this awful, awful incident.
B) Put down the donkey.
C) Do nothing. The neighbors will never suspect a donkey killed their son with his loins of fury.
D) Seel professional help for your donkey's sick interests.

D) Seek professional help for your donkey's sick interests.

These perverted abnormalities occuring on your farm have gone on long enough. Time to cure
your STD. You call information and see if there are any animal psychics in the area who make
house calls. You don't really want to bring this twisted animal into public. You make an
appointment for tomorrow at noon. You hang up.

Later that day, you hear a great deal of screaming and general ruckus. Apparently, the neighbors
have discovered their son. You tell the donkey to stay put, and do not come out of the house
except for a fire. You walk out and head to the gate. You can already see that the mother is
sobbing, overcomeme with sadness while the father is screaming into the phone, desperately
trying to get some police here. You spot Unsuccessfully Stealthy Cow hiding behind a bush that
he's clearly taller than, spying on the way things are turning out. You walk over to him and ask,
"What's happened so far?"
"They found him."
"Get outta town!"
"Yeah, I know. I thought it would be a few weeks at least."
"You've been a goldmine of information, as usual." You quickly run over to the gate, pretending
you just realized what was going on, and put your acting skills to work. "Oh Great Googamooga!
What's shakin' neighbors?!?!"
The mother turns violently in your direction and screams, "WHO DID THIS?!?"
"I...I have no idea. I just arrived here at-", you check your watch, "5:27!"
The mother just wails, and throws herself on her son.
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Leave me and my son alone!"
Taken aback by her rudeness you say, "Well, maybe you shouldn't have left your son alone while
he was being sodomized and murdered right in your own backyard." And with that, you take
your leave of this place. You walk back into your house and sit down in your armchair. The
donkey looks at you expectantly. "Everything went wonderfully."

Later on that night, you hear a knock at your door. You open it and see a policewoman there
holding a plastic cup. "Hello. I'm sorry to disturb you, but right now everyone is a suspect."
"I see..."
"There was semen found on the body, and we'd like a sample of yours to rule out any
involvement on your part."
"Can you help me out a little bit?" You give her a wink.
She's not amused. "Ten minutes."
You take the cup and grab another one from your kitchen. You go into your bathroom and do the
deed, and return to the policewoman with two cups. "Why is there two?"
"One's for the case, and one's for you." You wink again.
She scoffs and punches you in the ribs, sending you to your knees. "Oh...oh yeah. I like it
rough." She slams the door on her way out.

What do you do?

A) Wait for the psychic to come the next day.

B) Realize what you did was not acceptable behavior and apologize.
C) Realize that what you did was also sick and perverted and contact your own psychiatrist.
D) Continue your advances.

D) Continue your advances.

STD looks at you with the slightest hint of a smirk on his face. "You're as disgusting as me."
"No, I'm not. I didn't snap a kid's neck by ****ing him in a hole."
"I bet you were thinking about it though."
"What?"
"Yeah, the way I see it, the only reason you didn't snap that kid's neck from sexing him too hard
was because I got to him first."
"Alright, I'm going to prove to you that I'm not as creepy and disgusting as you. I'm going to get
that hot policewoman to go out with me without being a perv."
"I'd like to see you try. You already gave her a cup full of your seed as a present. I don't think
this is going anywhere. And when you get rejected, it'll be back to ****ing the neighbors. Just
like me."
"We'll see about that."

You slam the door on your way out and spot the policewoman over by the gate. STD doesn't
know anything about your wooing skills. You walk over and lean against the gate next to her.
"Hey, good looking."
"Am I going to have to hit you again?"
"No, no, no. I'm here to help with the investigation. I want to nail the perp who did this. But
maybe aft-"
"After I nail you first. Yeah, I got it. Jesus Christ, you men are so predictable." She tries walking
away but you follow her.
"Hey, I'm really here to help. He was my neighbor!"
"Really? Do you always try to pick up women at crime scenes?"
You take a deep breath. "Alright, look. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot. It was kind of weird
giving you two cups of...ah...sample and I think we should just forget about those cups. I'll go
back into my house, you come knock on my door again, and I'll only give you one cup of
my...sample."
"I already have two cups of your sample, I don't think I need any more."
"Well, just throw those cups away."
"Technically, that'd be tampering with evidence and I could get fired for doing so."
It's time to lie. "Well I gave you watered down glue and cake icing."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Then eat the icing."
"I-...I'm allergic."
"Sir, it seems to me that you're hiding something from me, and believe me, I'll find out what it
is."
"Maybe over dinner?"
"I don't think so. With an extensive investigation of your farm."
"Oh."
"I'll see you tomorrow, sir. About noon."
"It's a date." You laugh awkwardly. Noon is when the animal psychic comes. ****.

What do you do?

A) Tell the goat, cow, and donkey to remain silent while the police are investigating tomorrow.
B) Reschedule the psychic appointment.
C) Try to convince Sexually Terrible Donkey that the investigation is really a date with the
policewoman, winning your bet.
D) You've got nothing to hide. Don't prepare at all for the psychic or the investigation.

C) Try to convince Sexually Terrible Donkey that the investigation is really a date with the
policewoman, winning your bet.

You nonchalantly walk back into your house with an unjustified air of confidence. You sit in
your armchair and turn on the TV. The donkey looks at you expectantly. He finally asks, "So,
how'd it go?"
"How'd what go?" you say with a smirk.
"Well obviously it went well since your grinning wider than that kid's-"
"Whoa! Whoa! Don't even go there! Because of you, I have a possibility of going to jail."
"I thought you said no one would suspect me." Now he wears the grin. "What really happened
out there?"
You hadn't planned for this. "Well, I told her that my behavior was inappropriate, and we had a
good laugh. I offered to give her a tour of the farm tomorrow at noon."
"Convenient. Same time as my appointment."
"Well, I guess you're just going to have to take my word for it. Good night." Satisfied, you climb
the stairs to your bedroom and fall asleep.

The next day, you awake at ten-thirty and make yourself some breakfast. You shower, and put on
a nice shirt. When noon begins to roll around, you grow increasingly nervous. "What's the
matter?", Donkey asks. "Afraid some master plan of yours is going to fall apart?"
"No. I just haven't been on a date in awhile." A knock is heard on the door.

You open the door and see a 30-something male in a sportscoat. "Hi, I'm here for my
appointment with the donkey."
"Ah yes. Thank you for coming. He's right over there. Now, I'm sorry I have to step out. I have a
date with a policewoman."
"Good for you."

You see a couple of police cars pull into the driveway, and your "date" walks out of one of them.
You walk over to greet her. "M'lady."
She shoots you a sour look. "Look. The more you talk, the more I want to plant evidence that
links you to the murder."
"Point proven. I'll just show you around wherever you need to go."
"Well we're going to check the area over by the gate for awhile. If a body was dragged through
here, there should be some DNA in the area."
You spot the cow standing behind the tree, spying. You pray he doesn't **** things up. The
investigators spend about half an hour over by the gate. They don't find anything. "OK. We'd like
to see the barn now."
"Sure thing." You start walking over to the barn when you remember that you never cleaned up
the animal massacre from yesterday. ****. You leading the way, you spot something behind the
house that makes your heart rise into your throat. The donkey is in your backyard, ****ing the
animal psychic in a hole. Son of a *****. The investigators haven't noticed yet, they're engrossed
in their own conversations about possible motives and whatnot. To make matters worse, the goat
walks out of the barn, cursing his head off. "Son of a *****! It smells like **** in there. I held
my tongue for almost an entire ****ing day, figuring you'd get your head out of your ass and get
around to cleaning up all the ****ing corpses, but you were probably too busy playing with your
****." He spots the investigative team. "Who are these nice people?"
"Holy ****! It talks!"
One member of the team spots what's going on in the backyard. "Oh my God! That donkey is
sodomizing some poor man!" The donkey looks over and immediately stops what he is doing.

The **** has just hit the fan. What do you do?

A) Run.
B) Tell the donkey to run. They might put him down.
C) Try to talk your way out of it.
D) Call for the animals to attack while you try to get a weapon.

C) Try to talk your way out of it.

You're going to jail. You could try to run, but they'll just catch you. Sexually Terrible Donkey is
as good as dead. The goat will probably be taken by the government for testing. The cow hasn't
said anything yet, but frankly you don't really care what happens to the cow. You don't like him
very much. All you can do is run your mouth and hope it brings you somewhere. Somewhere
that isn't prison.

You turn around and face the investigative team. "Alright, let's not come to any rash decisions.
We should probably make sure the man is dead before we get serious. Donkey! Is the man
dead?" STD reaches out with his hoof and pokes the animal psychic a few times. No response.
STD shrugs. You sigh and continue, "Look. This doesn't prove that my donkey killed the
neighbor boy. Maybe he just heard about hole ****ing from the murder and wanted to see the
appeal of it."
"Sir, I think we need a semen sample from your donkey," the policewoman states.
"I...I don't think so."
"It's not a choice. We need the semen."
"Well, you guys can go ahead and give the donkey a quickie, because I'm certainly not going
anywhere near him."
"That's fine. We have people who can do that for us."
"That's a **** job."
"And of course we'll have to take you into custody as well."
"What? Why?"
"Well, you withheld information that linked you to a murder."
"That's because it wasn't me. I didn't have anything to do with this."
"Well if your donkey checks out, you'll be let go."
"I...Just make sure that the...whoever pleases the donkey is very careful. They should probably
be in a very sterile environment."
"Why?"
"The donkey has hepatitis."
One of the other members of the investigative team blurts out, "And so did the kid!"
"The donkey didn't kill the kid! Donkey! Come here!" Sexually Terrible Donkey walks over.
"Now, did you murder that neighbor boy?"
STD thinks it over before answering. "Well, I'd say it was an accident."
The policewoman jumped at the answer. "So you were involved!"
"Well the boy and I had sexual relations before the incident. Frequently, in fact."
The policewoman has a look of terror and disdain on her face. "That's digusting."
You think you've found your window. "Yeah, I know. And especially considering that the boy
was 16 and my donkey is only 12. Under law that is statutory rape, I believe. You were probably
hole ****ing that boy out of self-defence, weren't you?"
For once, STD plays along and doesn't worsen the situation. "Yeah. Lately, he was becoming
violent. Look at the cuts on my body." He signals to the wounds he received in the massacre the
day before. "I really thought he was going to kill me."
You nod. "See? We're all innocent over here. The real criminal is across the fence."

The policewoman nods. You think she may have actually believed it. That is, until she says,
"And what about that other man over there?" She points to the psychic.
STD sighs and looks at the investigative team. "Do you know how much of a thrill it is to hole
**** somebody?"
"Alright. I've heard enough. Bring them both in."

What do you do?

A) Resist arrest.
B) Flee from arrest.
C) Call on your other animals for support.
D) Go quietly and hope things sort themselves out.

C) Call on your other animals for support.

You're screwed. You really don't want to attack an entire investigative team, but you're not
seeing any other choices that will get you out of jail. You look around at your other animals and
give them a silent nod. The donkey looks confused, the cow pretends to be invisible, and the goat
raises his hoof at you, apparently trying to give you the middle finger. The policewoman
approaches with handcuffs, and you back up with your hands up and tell her, "I really don't want
to do this."
"You'll be put away for a long time, jackass."
You raise an eyebrow. "Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you. ANIMALS! ATTACK!"

Immediately the goat sprints in the other direction while screaming, "Come on, Cow! We're
getting the **** out of here!"
The cow looks confused. "I'm afraid I don't know what that means. If you used the professional
terms I tried to teach you-"
"Oh Jesus Christ! Fine! Abort! Abort! ****ing abort!"
The cow smiles. "Oh! You meant abort!" The cow runs after the goat into the woods and soon
the two are out of view.

The donkey still is sitting by your side. "Why didn't you attack?" you ask.
"I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Right."
A few minutes later, you are handcuffed in the back of the cop car, with the donkey sitting next
to you. He's just full of questions. "Are we going on a car ride? I love car rides. Where are we
going? How come you don't take me on car rides more often? You know how much I like them."
"Will you please shut the **** up?"
The donkey ignores you and looks at your handcuffs. "Oh, handcuffs. Very kinky. Looks like
you've been a bad boy." The donkey yells up to the front seat. "Hey! I've been a bad boy too!
Where are my handcuffs?"

Soon, the cop car arrives at the station where you and the donkey are placed in the holding cell.
There are several other potential criminals in the cell. What do you do?

A) Mingle.
B) Make sure the donkey doesn't talk to the criminals.
C) Ask for your phone call.
D) Sulk.

A) Mingle.

You and Sexually Terrible Donkey turn around and face whatever criminals may be in the
holding cell. There's a black guy who looks like he's part of some inner city gang, a muscular
bodybuilder type guy who seems to be German, a nerdy white guy sulking in the corner, and a
happy looking Hispanic guy who knows very little English. The gang member speaks up first,
"Man, what the **** is that donkey doing in here? Donkeys smell like ass."
You try to intimidate by giving him crazy eyes. "The donkey killed two people by sodomizing
them too hard. You better watch out or you could meet the same fate."
"HA! I'd be killing that donkey before he could even get close to any of my orifices."
STD speaks up now. "You'd be surprised at my strength. I'll get close enough to give you
hepatitis."
The cell begins to go crazy. "Holy ****! It talks!" the black guy exclaims.
"What the Fuhrer?" the German guy yells.
"Mutants! Cast them out!" the nerdy white guy demands.
"Hey!" Everyone turns and looks at the Hispanic guy. He continues. "You guys hear about the
Big Papi on the Red Sox?"
You and your cellmates exchange confused looks. "What the f-?"
"They say he not hitting cause his eyes. They bad."
There are a few moments of awkward silence until Donkey says, "I heard that."
"Shut up, Donkey."
"Sorry."

The German starts a different conversation. "So how did you become able to talk?"
"Fairy gypsies."
You retort, "Donkey, don't be a ****head."
"Fine. I'll tell the truth. I ate a bowl of alphabet soup and then-"
"Donkey, just stop talking."
Unfortunately, the German has another question. "How did you come to sodomize these
people?"
You sigh. Here comes another description of hole-****ing.
"Well you see my German comrade, I dig a hole and place the upper body of my victim in the
hole and go to town on the sea level parts."
"Very interesting."
"Hey!" Everyone turns to the Hispanic again. "Did you hear about the Manny and the steroids?
Bah." He makes a chopping motion with his hand to show his disgust.
"..."

What do you do?

A) Something rational.
B) Something irrational.
C) Yell for an attorney.
D) Become overcome with anxiety and violently throw up on the nearest person.

B) Something irrational.
D) Become overcome with anxiety and violently throw up on the nearest person.

Suddenly, in all the commotion of meeting new people, an idea pops into your head. A sinister,
but possibly effective plan. You put your arm around Sexually Terrible Donkey and turn him
around so that only you and him can hear the conversation that's about to go down. "Alright. I
came up with a plan to avoid jailtime because, let's face it, we're guilty."
"Clearly."
"I'm going to do something incredibly irrational, the cops will think I'm crazy, I'll be proven
innocent on the grounds of insanity, they'll send me to a mental hospital and I'll take those pills
for a couple years and get released."
"How does that help me?"
"...I guess it doesn't. You should come up with a plan of your own."
"I doubt that will work like you think it will."
"This plan is genious. Shut the hell up."
"What are you going to that's so irrational that you'll be sent to a mental hospital?"
"I'm gonna have sex with you." Its low, and very dangerous, but you'd rather be a beastiality
loving, hepatitis infected man then be stuck in prison for life.
Donkey thinks differently. "There are two problems with that."
"What?"
"If you have sex with me, its essentially a confession to your crimes."
"...How?"
"Well, you know what happens to boys like you in prison. If you have hepatitis, none of the
other inmates would dare try to sex you up. The police will think you're just using hepatitis as a
defense mechanism against your future inmates, hence a confession to your crimes."
"I never thought about that. What's the other problem?"
"I just don't find you sexually attractive."
"What? You find anything that moves attractive. How am I not attractive to you?"
"You just aren't."
"It must be one of those co-worker things, right?"
"It's not that."
"Sure." It's that. You know you're attractive. However, time to get back to business. "Alright, I
think I can do something else irrational. I'll go fight that guy." You point to the extremely
muscular German guy. "He's jacked. They'll have to think I'm crazy fighting someone like him."
"Not exactly. That will show you won't take **** from anyone in the joint. The other inmates
will respect you if they knew you fought someone like him."
You sigh. "What if I just throw off all my clothes and scream?"
"Now you're trying too hard. They'll know you're trying to go for insanity."
"Jesus...I never knew doing irrational things could be so difficult."
"What you have to do is something rational in an irrational manner. Something subtle."
You think it over for a minute. "I'll ask for a pen and paper to draw on to pass the time, but I'll
draw nothing but raccoons."
"Raccoon obsession. That's good."
You turn back around and walk over to the bars. "Hey! Guard...people!"
A cop walks over to you. "What do you want?"
You suddenly become nervous. You're going toe-to-toe with the law, and if they strike you
down, there's no coming back up. "Well...I'd like a piece of paper and a pen. Y'know, to draw."
"I can't give you a pen. You might try to stab the other people in the cell."
One of your flaws is that whenever you get nervous, you immediately begin blurting out
profanity. "Then give me a ****ing crayon!"
Slighty taken aback by your hostility, the cop nods and walks off. He comes back with a notepad
and a purple crayon. "Here you go. Now shut the hell up."
Time to turn on the crazy. "I- I can't deal with this...I can't have this crayon- It's the wrong
crayon! I need a black and a brown! Those are the crayons I need!"
The cop is getting annoyed. "Why can't you use purple?"
"Because raccoons aren't ****ing pur-PAAAGGGLRRAAA!!" You're nervousness caught up
with you and you projectile vomitted all over this man's face. It's still going. You've never
thrown up this much before, and at this velocity either. Finally you stop, but the cop is on rolling
on the floor in pain. "IT'S IN MY EYES! THE BASTARD THREW UP IN MY EYES!!" Other
cops run over and try to control the poor man you threw up on, while you stare on.

What do you do?

A) Go sit on the bench and draw purple raccoons.
B) Politely ask one of the other officers for a brown and a black crayon.
C) Laugh maniacally.
D) Eat the art supplies that have been given to you.

D) Eat the art supplies that have been given to you.

B) Politely ask one of the other officers for a brown and a black crayon.

As all of this commotion is going on in front of you, you decide to take it up a notch. You have
to be insane even when people aren't watching. Maybe the cops will look back at the cameras
and see you were being weird when they weren't even watching. You walk deeper into the cell
and sit on a bench. You put the tip of the crayon in your mouth, and slowly push the rest in. Very
slowly. You spend about a minute on the entire crayon. The German looks at you, perplexed
while the Hispanic smiles at nothing. You begin to chew crayon up in your mouth. It tastes very
waxy and is hard to swallow. You get impatient and try to swallow a portion of crayon that's too
large for your esophagus. You choke for a brief moment before coughing purple crayon bits all
over the German guy. "Oh...Oh my. I'm so sorry." You begin to pat the purple crayon bits off of
his nice leather jacket before coughing again, sending more crayon bits onto his face. "Ah! No
no no! I'm so sorry." The German stands up and shoves you across the cell. You trip over your
own feet and fall to the ground. You pick yourself up and brush yourself off. "Fine. I'll sit with
my nerdy white friend." You look over to the nerd in the corner and see that Donkey has already
made claims on him. Sexually Terrible Donkey is licking the face of the horribly petrified young
man. "I'll stand."

Now for the notepad. You used to eat paper when you were in high school when you got bored,
but this notepad had a lot of paper. You don't think you can eat that much paper. You walk over
to the Hispanic guy who smiles politely at you. You put a finger to your lips to make sure he
stays quiet. You pull the collar of his shirt out and gently slide the notepad into it. You nod and
smile back at him.
"Dad?" he asks you.
"I'm not your dad."
"Papi?"
"You're older than me."
"Papi." No longer a question. Congrats. You have a son.

You return to the front of the cell and confront an officer trying to clean the vomit out of your
puke bag's eyes. "Hey! Can I have a brown and a black crayon?"
She gets up and storms towards you. "We already gave you a crayon and a notepad."
"No you didn't."
"Yes we did."
"Then where are they?"
"I don't know. Where did you put them?"
"The only thing I've received from you people are-" You cough again, sending purple wax
fragments all over the officer's chest. She groans in disgust. You try to apologize. "Oh my God! I
swear I never meant to-- I didn't think there was any left in there! How much could there
possibly be?" You begin trying to brush the bits of the officer's tanktop, or as she viewed it-
touching her breasts.
She screams again and backs away. "Hands to yourself, perv!" She storms off.
"Hey! Wait! Are you going to get the crayons?"

She's probably not getting the crayons. What do you do?

A) Cough some more to see if you have any more crayon bits inside you.
B) Ask someone else to get the crayons.
C) Stop Donkey from licking that poor man's face.
D) Do father-son prison activities with the Hispanic.

D) Do father-son prison activities with the Hispanic.

You've grown bored of harassing the police. They have failed to retrieve the proper crayons for
your artwork, so they are now dead to you. However, there is one person in this cell whom
respects you. You walk over to the Hispanic. He gives you a big smile and says, "Yo te busqué
pero no te encontré."
"Oh, I bus and cars you too, son."
"Te quiero, Papi."
"We're gonna speak Daddy's language now, alright?"
"Me English is not good, Papi."
"That's okay. We don't need to talk to have fun."

Everyone in the cell gives you a strange look.

You scoff. "I meant piggyback rides! Pervs!"

"What is a piggyback ride?" asks your son.
"You climb on my back and then I run around. It's fun." You kneel down on the cell floor. "Go
ahead. Climb aboard."
"Okay, Dad." The hispanic begins climbing on your back very awkwardly. He's a heavy set man,
but for some reason is still very boney. "I'm ready! Yo soy ready!"
"Pepe! I told you to use Daddy's language!"
"My name is not Pepe."
"Are you giving me backtalk? Because I won't stand for backtalk!"
"Dad, you're scaring me!"
"That's it! Get off of me, Pepe!"
"But what about the piggyback ride?"
"Bad children don't get fun things like piggyback rides. Maybe when you learn to behave you
can have nice things."
"I won't get off!"

You roll over, sending Pepe to the floor. You quickly get up and hold him down. You quickly
spank him three times on the bottom and send him to the corner to think about what he's done.
Pepe sits in the corner of the cell, crying. Everyone else in the cell looks at you like you're a bad
parent.

What do you do?

A) Defend your actions.

B) Try to comfort Pepe.
C) Attempt to make one of the other criminals your son.
D) Go to a different corner and stare angrily at everyone else.

B) Try to comfort Pepe.

C) Attempt to make one of the other criminals your son.

You sit down in the corner opposite of Pepe with your head in your hands. Sometimes, children
need tough love. You know what's best for him. He'll come around eventually.

Still, there is this nagging feeling in the back of your brain that keeps telling you that maybe you
were too hard on him. Finally, this feeling gets the best of you, and you stand up to apologize.
You begin walking over when you see Sexually Terrible Donkey licking Pepe's face in the
corner, Pepe giggling like a madman. You stop dead in your tracks and demand, "GET AWAY
FROM MY SON."
Donkey stops licking Pepe and shoots you a deadly look. He steps down off the bench and says
defiantly, "He's not your son anymore. He's mine. You had your chance, but you abused him
physically and emotionally in front of everyone. He doesn't deserve that, he deserves something
better."
You forget Donkey and speak directly to Pepe now. "Son....Son please, come back to me. I was
wrong."
"He doesn't want you anymore."
"SHUT THE **** UP DONKEY! YOU ****ING HOMEWRECKER! SON!"
Pepe tries to make himself as small as possible in the corner.
"Pepe! Come back."
Donkey interrupts. "You've done enough. He doesn't love you anymore."
Suddenly, you're enfuriated. "You know what? Fine! You can have him! **** him! **** you,
Pepe! You ungrateful piece of ****! I'll find a new ****ing son!" You walk around the cell, all
heated and whatnot. You walk by the black gangster type fellow. You put your hand on his
shoulder. "Him. He will be my new son."
"**** that!", the gangster says. "I have a father."
"And how's that going? Look where you are now."
"You son of a-" He stands up as if he's about to punch you.
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Calm down, or I won't be your father anymore!"
"Good!"
"Come on. I'll give you a much better life. You can stay up late on weekends!"
"...Really?"
"Hell yeah! Of course."
"A'ight."

You have a new, black son. What do you do?

A) Get to know him.
B) Pretend to have lots of fun so Pepe will get jealous.
C) Ask Donkey about setting up a play date for the children.
D) Ask about his mother.

B) Pretend to have lots of fun so Pepe will get jealous.

C) Ask Donkey about setting up a play date for the children.

Now it's time to win Pepe back. You already have this other child here, but you'd much rather
have Pepe. He was your first born, and this new one feels far less significant. A sinister plan
comes into your head. "Alright, son." You give him a wink. "The first step in having a better life
is learning to deal with difficulty. That's why we're going to laugh. Would you care to laugh with
me?" You throw back your head and laugh a big, hearty laugh.
"You look like you went to special classes," your new son says.
"Look, if I wanted a smartmouth for a son, I would have gone to the Smartmouth Store."
"That doesn't make sense."
You sigh. "Alright, you're useless alone. We have to infiltrate their relationship."
"What?"
You wink.

You walk over to where Donkey and Pepe are playing. Their playing looked more like softcore
porn. "Hey, Donkey. Can I talk to you in private for a minute?"
"Yeah, sure. Hold on." He looks at Pepe. "Daddy will be back in a minute, ok?"
"Ok, Papi."
You scowl. You're his Papi.
Donkey asks, "What's up?"
"I was thinking, and I think we should forget all this conflict between us."
"I agree."
"I mean, Pepe seems really happy, and I have a new son now."
Donkey looks at your gangster son. "To tell you the truth, I don't think you're the father." He
laughs the stereotypical Dad laugh.
You begin to lose patience. "Haha...Good one. Listen, I was thinking we could get the kids
together to play sometime. You know, letting him meet other kids his own age. What do you
say?"
Donkey considers it a moment and responds, "Ah, what the hell? Sure!"
"Great! Do you want to come over to our bench, or should we come to yours?"
"Why don't we go to the park?"
"We...we can't go to the park. We're in jail."
"I know, I mean we should get together after we're out."
"Why not now?"
"Honestly, I don't think the holding cell is a really nice playing environment."
So he's going to be Mr. Responsible Dad, is he? "Of course it's a nice playing environment!
There are crayon bits everywhere!"
"Look, I'm sorry. The answer is no."
"The answer is yes!"
"Stay away from me! Stay away from me and my son!"
"He's not your son, he's mine!"

You dive at Donkey and take him to the ground. He scrambles out from under you, while Pepe
screams watching all of it. You try to get up and pursue Donkey, but he uses one of his hind legs
to kick you in the face. You fall to the ground again. You issue a loud grunt and leap off the
ground, onto Donkey's back. He tries to throw you off, but you drag him to the ground with you.
Pepe is screaming louder than ever. A cop runs over to the cell, unlocks it, and breaks up the
fight between the two of you. "What is going on?!" he yells.
"The bastard stole my son!"
"He's my son! You're a horrible father!", Donkey retorts.
"Shut up! The both of you! Shut up!", the cop demands. When you and Donkey become silent he
continues, "Now you two are being shipped over to county. That's where we keep the murder
suspects until the time of their trial."
"When is that?"
"Well, there is quite a back-up in the courts, but the judge believes this to be such an interesting
case, that she wants to hold the trial in about a week."
"WAIT!" Donkey screams. You expect he will go on some rant about how he can't leave his son,
and he loves him, and BLAH BLAH BLAH, but all he says is, "Are you saying we're going on
another car ride?"
"Yeah..." the cop answers, confused.
Donkey's eyes light up. "Then **** that Mexican guy in there, we're going on a car ride!"
Donkey leads the way out of the station, muttering under his breath, "I love car rides! ****ing
love 'em."

In the car, Donkey asks, "Can we roll down the windows back here?"
You sigh, "They don't open back here, Donkey."
"What? Why?"
"So the criminals don't escape."
"But we're not criminals."
The cop in the front laughs. "Not yet. Not yet..."
You arrive to the county jail, where you change into a fresh orange jumpsuit. Donkey remains
nude. Shortly after arriving, you find out that you and Donkey will be in different cells. You
can't decide if you like that or not. You find that your cell is unoccupied, so you have to choice
of either bed. You grab the one on the left and fall asleep quickly.

The next day, you awake to find a guard banging on your bars. "Hey! Get up! You have
visitors!"
You're still only half awake. "Wha...?", you say groggily. You rise from your bed and go with
the guard. He brings you to that room with the glass wall and the phones. You sit down in the
chair and you hear someone yell, "Alright! Bring them in!" You see Unsuccessfully Stealthy
Cow and Sailor Mouth Goat being led into the room. You're happy to see them. At least you
think you are. You pick up the phone and put it to your ear.

Cow and Goat walk up to the table and begin talking. Of course, you can't hear them through the
glass, so you point to the phone at your ear. The animals give you a quizzical look. You then
point to their phone. The look at their phone, then look back at you, more confused than before.
You hang the phone up, then pick it up again and feign a conversation, hoping they'll get the
point. Goat thinks he has it. He leaps up and puts his front hooves on the table. He knocks the
phone off the receiver with his horns. The phone falls and hits the table. Goat tries to put the
phone to his ear, but the lack of fingers severly diminishes his ability to do so. He drops the
phone so many times, you're rather sure its broken. Eventually, he just puts the phone on the
table and lies his face on it. "Hello? HELLO?!?!" he yells.
"Ah! Ah! Okay, you don't have to yell. We're not at a drive-thru."
"Hey, where the hell have you been?"
"What? What do you mean where have I been? I've been in prison, after you two deserted me!"
"Well, yeah, but we thought you'd be out by now."
"No, I'm afraid not."
"Well, we need you to break out of here. We need you to feed us."
"You both eat grass! It's ****ing everywhere!"
"We've just grown accustomed to you taking care of us is all."
"Well tough ****! I'm in jail!"
"Fine. Cow and I will break you out."
"I'm pretty sure these lines are monitored. Shouldn't be saying stuff like that."
"**** the lines! **** the cops! We're breaking you out!"
"I...I think you should go."
"Fine! I'll see you when we save your sorry ass!"
"Yeah. I'm sure."

Cow and Goat leave the room.

You return to your cell, depressed and stressed out. Evidently your insanity plan didn't work out.
Later in the day, you go to the cafeteria for lunch, and spot Donkey sitting with a bunch of thug
looking men. You walk over with your tray and sit next to him. Donkey introduces you, "Hey
fellas! This is my main man, Juicebox!"
You look at him with a combination of hatred and interest. "Juicebox?"
"Yeah, it's a little nickname I came up with. Like...like an alibi. You dig?"
"Why are you talking like that?"
Donkey ignores you. "Let me introduce you to my crew. This is Khaki Slacks, that's the Shimmy
Man, Doctor Slappy, Satanic Nipples, Floppy Tentacles, and last but not least, Ink Bag."
"It's wonderful to meet all of you," you say with a touch of sarcasm.
Khaki Slacks fills you in on the situation, "Ol' Hump Stick here was tellin' us all about hole
****ing."
"Really? I'll let him finish then."
Donkey continues his story, trying to make it sound more epic than it really was, while you
quietly eat whatever is on your tray. You can't really tell what it is. After Donkey, or Hump Stick
as he is called now, finishes, the inmates are in awe. "I'll have to try that on my cellmate," Ink
Bag proclaims.
"Me too," Satanic Nipples agrees.
Doctor Slappy looks rather disgusted by the story, but hides it well behind that masterpiece of a
face he has.

A few days pass, and one night you awake to see a guard shuffling another person into your cell.
Great, a cellmate. He takes off his shoes and gets into his own bed. You'll talk to him in the
morning. You pretend to be asleep. The guard leaves, and about ten minutes later you feel
someone else getting into your bed. "Wha-What's going on here?"
"Shhh..." your cellmate tells you. You feel his wet tongue on your neck.
You have no idea what to do at this point. Suddenly, you remember what Donkey told you in the
holding cell. "I have hepatitis!" you exclaim. No one wants to sex the hepatitis guy.
Your new cell mate jumps out of your bed. "Oh ****!"
"Yeah. Unless you want hepatitis, I'd stay away from this region." You make a circle motion
around your crotch.
"****...will do."

A couple more days go by, and your new cellmate is moved to another cell, while a new person
comes in. He seems nice enough. You invite him to your lunch table where Donkey gives him
the nickname Purple Furnace. After giving Purple Furnace his nickname, the table begins talking
about hole ****ing some more. Later, when you two are back in your cell, you notice that Purple
Furnace has taken a spoon from the cafeteria and is trying to dig a hole under his bed.
"Dude, you'll never make it out that way."
"I can try, can't I?"
"Whatever, man." You roll over and fall asleep.
When you wake up the next morning, Purple Furnace's hole is actually rather impressive. He
must have been working all night. "That's pretty good," you say.
"Thanks. Get in it."
"What?"
"All that talk about hole ****ing yesterday got me wanting to try it. It seems like it's such a
thrill."
"It...It's really not that thrilling." It wasn't until now that you noticed how muscular Purple
Furnace was; he could easily overpower you.
"Am I gonna have to force you in there?"

As Purple Furnace starts towards you, a guard comes to the bars. "Hey, Juicebox! Come with
me. Your trial is today."

You and Donkey pile into the back of a police cruiser, Donkey excited to go on another car ride,
and you terrified of your verdict. You pull up to the courthouse and are led inside. The judge is a
short, mousy looking woman. You have a feeling that she's a hardass. It doesn't look good for
you.

The prosecutor sits at the plaintiff's bench and looks sort of like Stephen Colbert, only more
angry and less funny. The neighbors sit next to him, giving you the evil eyes. You never do well
in these situations. You hate judgmental eyes. You stick your tongue out at the neighbors and sit
down at the defendant bench. You can hear them gasp and tell their lawyer. You roll your eyes.
There's no jury, so this must be one of those Judge Judy type courts. You look at your own
lawyer, a morbidly obese, sweaty guy. Awesome. You ask him, "So what's our plan?"
He jumps at the sound of your voice. "Oh God!" He takes quite a few heavy breaths and
explains, "I'm sorry...I thought you were going to kill me."
"How in the hell are you a defense attorney?"
Donkey sits down next to you. "What's up, Juicebox?"
"Don't call me Juicebox."
"But that's your name."
"No it's not, my name is-"

You're interrupted by the banging of the judge's gavel. "Alright. Let's get under way." She
shuffles some papers and opens the floor for the prosecution's opening statement. The prosecutor
makes such a beautiful, heart-moving speech, you even begin to hate yourself after listening to it,
even though you weren't involved in the murders. The judge nods and asks, "Would the defense
like to make an opening statement?"
Your sweaty lawyer shakes his head nervously. "No. No."
You throw up your hands in the air. "Are you kidding me? Are you even trying to win this case?"
"Don't...Don't hurt me..."
"What is wrong with you?"
The judge points her gavel at you. "Stop demeaning your lawyer!"
"But he sucks! Can we get a new one?"
"Order! Order!" You close your mouth. "Alright, prosecution may proceed."

The prosecutor rises. "We'd like to call the donkey to the stand."
Donkey remains motionless. "Actually, I go by Hump Stick now."
You grow frustrated. "Get the **** up there!"
"Order! Order! Donkey, get up here!"
Donkey walks up and takes the oath. He sits down and waits for questioning.
The prosecutor asks Donkey, "How did you meet the victim?"
"He lived next to me."
"And you said you had previous sexual experiences with the boy before?"
"Yes."
"Explain please."
"Well, I went to this party for local singles at this little juxtaposition of a house on Marbury Ave,
and I saw him there."
"What?" the prosecutor asks.
You yell from your bench. "Yeah, I don't think you used 'juxtaposition' right."
"I used it just fine."
"No you didn't."
The judge bans her gavel again. "Order! Continue, please."
The prosecutor tells Donkey to continue. He does. "Well, at this party, there was a whole
bestiality of available men-"
You begin yelling again. "Are you kidding me? Do you even think before you speak? Do you
know what you sound like?"
"Order!"
You ignore the judge. "Learn what words mean before you say them in conversation!"
"Order! I will have you thrown out!"
"But he sounds like a jackass!"
Donkey exclaims, "I am a jackass!"

Everyone in the room seems to be yelling at one another at this point, even people watching the
trial. The judge bangs her gavel, but to no avail. Your attorney just looks at the floor with his
hands folded, sweating profusely. At that moment, a large knock is heard by the door. Everyone
quiets. It comes again. On the third knock a large hole appears in the door, and wood shards fly
into the courtroom. Sailor Mouth Goat and Unsuccessfully Stealthy Cow walk into the
courtroom. The bailiff points a gun at the two of them. They don't seems to notice. Goat looks at
Cow and says, "****. I forgot how much ramming hurts."
Donkey from the stand, "That's what she said!"
Nobody laughs.
Goat finally notices the gun and says, "Hey! Our owner is on trial and we're just here to watch.
The door was locked, so we broke it down. Admittedly, it wasn't the best option."
The bailiff lowers the gun, but tells them, "No funny business or I'll shoot you both."
"Fine."

At that moment, another large bang is heard to your left, and the left wall of the courtroom has
been obliterated by what seems to be dynamite. Just then, a smoke grenade flies in the
courtroom, and explodes with a loud bang. A goose flies in through the hole, dropping sticks of
dynamite on the people in the crowd, and one on the judge's lap. Donkey runs off the stand and
back to your side. You can't see anything in the courtroom, but you hear several explosions and a
lot of screaming. It's ****ing pandemonium. You hear Goat scream, "Now! Now! ****ing
now!", and you hear hooves running on the courtroom floor. The bailiff fires his gun randomly,
hitting nothing through the smoke. Out of the smoke you see Goat and Cow charging towards
you, and you grab onto Cow's neck, carrying you towards the hole in the wall. Goat just rammed
Donkey in the ass, and Donkey starts running too.

Soon, everyone is out onto the sidewalk, sprinting away from the courthouse. You look back and
see another wall of the courthouse has been blown out, with the dynamite goose flying out of it
and towards your group. Goat yells, "Follow me! I know where to go!" Goat runs down an alley
and into a small little abondoned building that looks like it used to be a factory. You all run
inside, and once the goose is in, you close the door and lock it.
You all take a moment and regain your breath. You look at the goose. "Do I know you from
somewhere?"
"Already forgotten, have you?" comes the response.
Donkey hasn't. "I remember you! You're Explosive Guru Goose! We used to call you Egg for
short."
"Egg?" you ask.
"You know, the first letters of each word? Egg?"

Suddenly it all comes back to you. This goose came along about a year after you started the farm
with a bag of dynamite in its beak. You found it astounding that another talking animal had made
it's way to your farm and let him stay. It was always setting off explosions throughout the farm,
disrupting the neighbors. The cops were called several times. You screamed at him that if he
couldn't control his explosives, you would kick him off the farm. You told him that a goose
doesn't even serve a purpose on a farm. He didn't like that, and blew up the milking shed.
Finally, you exiled him.

"I remember you! You blew up the milking shed."

"Dreadfully sorry about that, mate." You had forgotten that the goose was Australian.
"Yeah, I remember Egg. I could never understand why you guys could call him by his acronym,
but could never do the same for Boring Ordinary Normal Edible Raccoon."
Goat answers. "That's being the raccoon didn't talk."
"That's why he was boring, ordinary, and normal."
"He certainly wasn't edible."
"Every animal is edible, Goat. Remember that."
Goat takes a few steps away from you.
Egg changes the subject, "So where is everyone else that I learned to love?"
Cow answers, "Oh, they're all dead."
"What? Horse Pun Horse is dead? I loved him! What about Pig?"
"Dead too," Cow answers, full of remorse.
"I bet Boner is still alive..." you grumble.
Goat yells, "Will you just ****ing let that go?" He sighs. "Now what the **** is our next
move?"

What do you do?

A) Make the run-down factory your new home.

B) Go back to the farm, pile everyone into the pick-up truck, and drive out West to find new
farmland.
C) Abandon the animals. They give you nothing but trouble.
D) Change clothes and go scope out the situation.

B) Go back to the farm, pile everyone into the pick-up truck, and drive out West to find
new farmland.

"Alright everyone, listen up. We can't stay here for long, they will find us eventually. I'm going
to try and sneak back to the farm, grab the pick-up truck, and come back here to get you guys.
We'll head out West to find new farmland."
"But I like the farmland we have right now," Cow protests.
"Oh yeah? How would you like to be dead? Cause that's what will happen if we stay on our old
farm."
Donkey asks, "And are you just going to waltz right through the city all the way back to the farm
with a prison jumpsuit on?"
"Good point. Everyone search for some clothes around this place."

After ten minutes of looking, the only thing that is found is an extremely dusty, dirty pair of
overalls. "I'm not wearing those."
"It's the only thing there is, mate."
"I don't want whatever diseases are in that thing."
"Believe me, they aren't that bad," Donkey says.
Goat gives his opinion, "Look, you can either stop whining like a little ***** and put on the
****ing overalls, or you can run through the streets ass naked. Your call."
You sigh.

As you run through the streets ass naked, trying to block all naughy areas from the bystanders'
view, you realize that a naked guy in the street is going to attract a lot more attention than a dirty
one. You spot a plastic bag being blown by the wind down the sidewalk, and you snatch it off the
pavement. You drive holes through the bottom of it with your feet and wear it like a diaper so no
one will see your fun zone. You continue running towards home. You make it home in about 20
minutes and sprint in the door to grab some clothes. You grab about three days worth of extra
clothes and put it in the passenger seat of the pick-up truck. You then attach the large crate that
keeps the animals in the bed to the back. Finally, you throw some bales of hay into the back so
they can eat on the way.

You arrive back at the factory a few minutes later. You drive out to the back and honk the horn.
The animals come running out of the factory. You open the crate for them and they climb inside.
You get back in the driver's seat and drive off. Surprisingly, you have seen many patrol cars on
the streets, but you have to be extra careful now, because a truck full of farm animals is a dead
giveaway. Once you reach the highway, you should be free and clear. Taking backstreets, you
eventually are able to make it onto the highway unseen. "Woo-hoo fellas! We're finally out of
here!"
"Where are we going now?"
"Where no one will ever find us. Wyoming. There should be lots of available land there."
"What about available men?"
"Quiet time, Donkey."

However, it soon starts to get dark. What do you do?

A) Keep on driving through the darkness.
B) Grab some sleep at a rest stop.
C) Pull over to the side of the highway for rest.
D) Blast some music to stay awake.

D) Blast some music to stay awake.

You begin to drift off to sleep behind the wheel, as you haven't slept in what seems like weeks.
The prison beds are very uncomfortable. Your head begins to get heavy, and your eyelids begin
to droop. You realize what is happening and snap out of it. You rummage through your center
console and find a CD you burned a couple months ago. You turn it up really loud to stay awake.
The animals in the back complain.
Donkey asks, "Could you turn that down? Some of us are trying to sleep."
Goat adds, "That's pretty ****ing loud. Turn it down!"
These talking animals have been nothing but trouble. The feelings you had when you wanted to
slaughter all of them return. They're ungrateful bastards, but you've gone too far now to do
anything about it. "The volume stays where it is."
"Come on, man. My ears are ****ing killing me."
You decide to yell out lyrics from a song to make your point. You take a long, deep breath and
begin yelling out the back window at the animals. "I...HATE...EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!
WHY DO I LOVE YOU?!" You're now all the way turned around in your seat, eyes completely
off the road.
Goat yells, "Get your eyes on the road! ****, man!"
Cow joins him, "You're going to get us killed!"
Donkey wonders aloud, "Why the hell are you singing that? That song's not even playing right
now."

Donkey was right, "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind was playing, but you felt your emotions were
more compatible with that song. You look back at the road, then look in your rearview mirror
and see that your eyes are bloodshot from your horrible exhaustion. The animals must think
you're completely insane. You turn around again, and strain your brain for other lyrics to yell,
but "Jumper" is now stuck in your head, and while it's rhythm plays in the background, you can't
really get the beat or words of any other song in your head. You try to force through the barrier
your mind has set up. "I CAN'T...MAKES ME...YOU!!!

The animals look at eachother confused. "What?", Donkey asks.

"Just keep your eyes on the road, jackass."
Time to scare them. You take your hands off the wheel and ask them, "How about this? You
guys like this?"
"No! NO! I DON'T ****ING LIKE IT!"
"Maybe I should drive with my feet and push the pedals with my hands! How's that sound? And
after that I can set up a stand on the side of the highway and sell sneakers. Would you like that?"
"What's wrong with you?", Cow asks.
"Maybe I'm just getting a little sick of dealing with all the **** you animals get me into!"
"Things were fine before you decided to massacre everyone on the farm."
"You guys treated me like **** every day!"
Goat chimes in. "Don't start ****ing talking about your feelings and **** because no one wants
to hear it. Now your life wasn't that hard, but you weren't getting the gratifications, thank-yous,
and warm happy smiles you wanted for just doing your job. You think anyone thanks janitors, or
construction workers, or people who work in ****ing ballpoint pen factories? Get over yourself
and start doing your job."
What Goat said hit you really hard. So hard that you slam on the brakes, and the car behind you
slams into the back of you, shaking the animals in the back all over the crate. Goat's curses and
the others' screams of pain give you satisfaction. You pull over to the side of the highway and
turn around, laughing at the animals out of the back window. "You better watch what you say
around me now, because I'm not taking your **** anymore."
Donkey shakes his head, "You already proved that by killing the horse, chickens, dog and pig.
What was that for?"
You grin. "Because I felt like it."

Suddenly you hear and the sound of breaking wood from the back of your truck. You get out the
car and see Goat walking off the truck. He rammed a hole in the crate. "Hey! Where are you
going?"
"Getting the **** away from you, you murderous bastard. Come on, Cow."
"What? How do you think a goat and cow will survive on the side of the highway?"
"It's safer than staying with you."
"You said you guys needed me. What happened to that?"
"We thought if we broke you out of jail, things would return to normal," Cow says. "If we knew
this would happen, we would have let you rot in that jail cell. Oh, and by the way, you're
welcome."
Egg flies out of the truck to go with Cow and Goat. What do you do?

A) Try to win the animals over again. You were too hard on them.
B) Forget them. You have Donkey and that's enough.
C) Kick Donkey out too. Start a new life.
D) Capture the animals and hold them against their will.

A) Try to win the animals over again. You were too hard on them.

You take a deep breath and let it out. You look over at Donkey. "Well, I've still got you."
"Only if you do more **** like that. I've never felt such a thrill! In fact, ah!- there it is. This
clump of hay shouldn't be eaten."
"This was nice. That was a nice moment we shared." That's a lie. This was a highly disturbing
moment.
"So what are we going to do now? Climb into a tiger cage? Gunfight with mobsters?"
"Y'know what? You're not enough. I'll be right back."
"But- Wha...? It's either them or me!"
You're already running after Cow, Goat, and Egg. "Them."
"Well wait up, 'cause I'm coming!"

The animals are already about fifty yards down the highway. You jog after them yelling, "Guys!
Guys!" They show no signs of turning around. "Ah ****," you say, hoping you haven't closed
the door for good on your relationship. You finally catch up to them.
Goat opens the conversation, "Nothing you can say will make me turn around."
"Guys look, I know that was a bit of an overreaction back there, but come on! You have to cut
me some slack!"
"Cut you some slack? What if that little stunt you pulled killed one of us? What would you have
done then?"
Donkey licks his lips. "I would have had a field day."
You shoot Donkey an angry glance. "You know what Donkey? Now's not the time for
necrophilia jokes."
"That's not a joke. I would have."
"Just shut up then. Goat, as you've seen from my previous behavior, I don't think before I do
things. But you have to believe me when I say that I'm trying the best I can."
Goat looks back. "Well it's clear you don't think before you do things. That's why we're walking
down the side of a highway, miles away from home. Evidently, the best you can do is homeless
criminal."
"Well maybe I shouldn't be leading. Apparently it's not good enough."
Goat stops walking. "Fine. I'll come back if one of us leads. How about you guys?"
Cow and Egg nod.
Goat continues. "Alright. Pick one of us to lead then."

What do you do?

A) Pick Goat. He's clearly the smartest one of the bunch, and a good leader.
B) Pick Cow. He doesn't talk much, but he'll do what's right.
C) Pick Egg. He's got the firepower to get out of anything.
D) Pick Donkey. He's stuck with you since the beginning.

D) Pick Donkey. He's stuck with you since the beginning.

Goat thinks he's won, but you've got an inside man. You and Donkey have been through a lot
together, he'll do what you want. "Alright Goat, I'll do it. One of you can lead." You turn to
Donkey. "Donkey! You're leader."
Goat immediately protests, "Woah woah woah! No ****ing way! I thought you were going to
pick one of us, not that jackass. That ****er can't lead. Deal's off!"
"Oh, so because he's not who you want the deal is off? No. You told me to pick an animal to
lead, and I did that. Deal's on."
"**** it! Whatever! We'll just let this moronic ****head lead us to our deaths."
Your newly appointed leader has some words. "Thank you, Farmer. I won't let you down. And
Goat..."
Goat scowls and looks at Donkey.
"For your harsh words about your new leader, you have to eat the sticky hay back on the truck."
"**** no."
"Fine, but you have to eat dirt."
"I'm not ****ing eating dirt."
"If you don't eat the dirt, I'll command the farmer to shoot you."
Goat scowls again, this time deeper. He puts his head down and scoops up a mouthful of dirt,
chews it for a little bit, and swallows it.
"There. Now that wasn't so bad, was it?"
Goat spits at Donkey's hooves.

You decide it's time to take a step in the right direction. "Donkey? What should we do now?"
"Well, our first order of business should be to- Hey! Where are you going?"
Unsuccessfully Stealthy Cow turns around and faces Donkey. He is standing in the grass, trying
to escape through the woods. "Damn."
Donkey sighs. "You too. Eat the dirt."
Cow eats dirt.
"Now, I think the first thing we should do is establish trust with one another. This seems to be a
constant problem with our group members. We have to trust one another if we're going to
survive. We're going to have to have sex with eachother. Really explore eachother's bod-"
You step in with a firm, "Donkey."
"We're going to have a sensual kissing session."
"Donkey."
"We're going to go back to the truck." You all begin to head back to the truck when Donkey
adds, "And have some road nookie."
"How about a destination? Where are we going?"
"Well there are several places we could-"
"No whore houses or gay bars."
"Fine, but I'm starving. We should stop at an Applebee's."
"There's hay in the back."
"DAMMIT! I'M THE LEADER AND I WANT TO GO TO APPLEBEE'S!"
"Calm the **** down. Fine, we'll go to Applebee's."

What do you do?

A) Drive to Applebee's.
B) The animals don't know where they're going. Continue with your original plan.
C) Insist on resting a bit before Applebee's.
D) Pop the painkillers in the glove box.

A) Drive to Applebee's.

Obeying your new master's orders, you set a course for Applebee's. You're still extremely tired,
but thinking about Applebee's Three Course Classics has you foaming at the mouth. You feel
you have to discuss the deliciousness of the Applebee's menu with someone. You look over at
Donkey, who is now riding shotgun, since the leader always rides shotgun. "What are you gonna
get at Applebee's?"
"I don't know. With so much delicity on the menu, it's hard to decide." You can hear the
enthusiasm that you have in your voice in his as well.
"I agree with your statement, but it's deliciousness, not delicity."
"Delicity is a word I just made up. I feel its shorter and flows better than deliciousness. Delicity
gets to the point, like the Applebee's Three Course Classics. Applebee's knows, hey, you want an
appetizer, an entree, and a dessert, but you don't want to pay a fortune, right? Tell you what,
we'll give you exactly that- a three course meal for ten bucks. Delicity."
You're in awe. "I've gained so much respect for you."
"You guys are ****ing idiots."
Donkey snaps at Goat, "Looks like someone just gave their dessert to me, Goat."
"****!"
You laugh to yourself.

You pull into the Applebee's parking lot and everyone gets out of the truck. You lead the group
into the restaurant. The greeter gives you a look of shock and disgust before saying, "You can't
bring those animals in here!"
"Well, why not?"
"Sanitation reasons, why else?"
"Oh come on! They're clean!"
"I'm sorry, sir. You have to leave."

What do you do?

A) Ask for your order to go.

B) Plead with the greeter.
C) Let the animals argue for themselves. You were never a good persuader.
D) Throw a tantrum and trash the place.

"I need to get out of here!" you realize. Adrenaline is again replaced with an empty feeling of
dread, and your brain starts to think things out in a logical fashion: it was here when I came
home, I would have heard it breaking a window downstairs. Plus, everywhere downstairs is off
the main room, without any doors; I would have felt a breeze or something when I came
downstairs.

A) Ask for your order to go.

"Oh don't give me that sanitary bull****. Guys, would you care to stand up for yourselves?"
Goat speaks first, but agrees with the greeter, "Actually, we're pretty ****ing dirty. I mean, you
don't clean the barn very often, so sometimes we sleep next to our own ****."
"The barn?", Donkey adds. "Try us! He doesn't clean us very often either."
"That's true, Donkey."
"Oh come on!", you protest. "I clean you guys!"

Suddenly the animals all sort of band together and prove their uncleanliness.
"When's the last time time you bathed us? I think I got some mud matted into my fur."
"I think my horns are stained."
"Donkey's got hepatitis."
"Right, Cow. I've got hepatitis, and I don't wear any clothes. There would be no barrier between
my hepatitisy parts and the seat."
"My feathers are falling out, mate."

You turn back to the greeter, "We'll take our order to go." Since the Three Course Classics are
sort of a lot for a to-go order, you decide to each get an entree. Egg gets a shrimp meal. Goat gets
some barbecue chicken. Cow gets a hamburger, he told you that he's always wondered what the
appeal of beef was. Donkey gets a rack of ribs and makes an innappropriate comment about how
he likes bones in his mouth. You, however, decide to keep it classy and get a nice steak.
However, since you cannot eat in the restaurant, you have no place to eat these delicious entrees.

What do you do?

A) Eat in the truck.

B) Drive to a picnic area to eat.
C) Ask Donkey where to eat.
D) Eat on the pavement in front of Applebee's.

D) Eat on the pavement in front of Applebee's.

The greeter hands you the trays of food and you turn to walk out of the restaurant when you hear
Donkey remark, "Man, those booths do look comfortable."
"Well, maybe if you stood up for your rights you could be sitting in one of those booths. But no,
you guys thought you were too dirty."
"I was only making a comment. I wasn't showing regret, but where are we going to eat?"
"Outside."
"Where outside?"
"You guys are dirty animals, where do dirty animals eat? On the ground."

You walk three steps outside of Applebee's and sit down. "Here seems like a nice spot."
Cow worries aloud, "But we're blocking the way of people who want to get in or out."
You begin to get angry. "Come on, guys! You all have a very unique gift! The gift of gab! You
guys are like animal celebrities!"
Goat steps in. "No one knows who the **** we are, save the judicial system. If anything, we're
animal fugitives."
"Shut up."
"No you shut up."
"Fine, but if you guys think you're just normal animals, you can eat like normal animals. There's
some grass over there, but I'll keep all this people food to myself."
"**** it! We'll eat on the pavement."
"That's not for you to decide, Goat," Donkey scolds.
"Sorry, numbnuts. Where would you like to eat?"
"On the pavement."
"I just ****ing said that."
"But it wasn't for you to say."
"**** you, man."
"You just never learn your lesson, do you? Goat, you must eat three mouthfuls of dirt before you
eat your dinner."
"Whatever."
"Then you have to have sex with-"
"Donkey," you interject again.
"-nothing. You have to have sex with nothing at all."

After Goat eats hsi required dirt, you all take a seat in front of Applebee's. Since the animals
don't have thumbs, they eat their meals with their faces. A man and his girlfriend walk up to you
and give you strange looks, but keep their mouth silent. They seem to be waiting for you to
move. After a couple awkward minutes, Goat finally snaps at the couple. "What the **** is your
problem? I can't eat with everyone ****ing watching me!"
The two are startled by Goat's speech. "Oh- Oh my God! It talks!"
Donkey looks up. "And this one sodomizes, so you better get lost."
The couple run back to their car, but they don't get in right away. The guy takes out a cell phone.
****, they're calling the cops.

What do you do?

A) Pack up the animals and leave.

B) Finish your meal. You paid for this.
C) Attack the couple.
D) Storm the Applebee's and take refuge in the kitchen.

C) Attack the couple.

You look back to the animals. "Meal is over guys."

"What do you mean?" asks Cow.
"I think that couple is calling the police. Should we take 'em down?"
Donkey announces his decision. "I think we should leave them alone. They may be calling a
friend to tell them of our glory."
"But Donkey, I really don't-"
"I AM YOUR LEADER AND YOU SHALL DO AS I SAY!"
You look to Donkey, then back to the couple. Donkey, back at the couple. "Sorry, Donkey. I'm
not going back to prison." You rise.
"Sit down! I said sit down, sir!"
You take a step towards the couple's car.
"Don't. Do. It."
You take another.
"I AM GIVING YOU A DIRECT ORDER! I WILL MAKE YOU EAT SO MUCH DIRT,
YOUR **** WILL TURN BROWN!"
You let out a giant yell and begin a full sprint towards the man and woman.
"AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!"
"GET BACK HERE! THIS IS NOT THE WAY! THIS IS NOT THE WAY!"
The couple spots you charging at them. They frantically try to get in their car.
"AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!"
"NO! NOOOOOOO!"
The man is in the driver's seat, and the woman has just closed the passenger side door. The man
is desperately trying to start the car.
You are only a few feet in front of the car. You take a giant leap and fix yourself into a
horizontal position for an amazing dropkick.. "AAAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!" Your feet
shatter the windshield and collide with the man's jaw. His head is shot backwards in such a
sickening manner, it doesn't even look real. You heard a snap while your foot was one with his
face. You think you may have broken his neck. Your momentum carried the rest of your body
into the car, but in a very awkward position. You feet are now at the ceiling, your sort of sitting
in this guy's lap, and your head ended up beside the steering wheel near the center console.
You're very scrunched. You look over at the woman, who has a look of horror on her face. As
you try to reposition yourself, she screams, takes mace out of her purse and sprays it in your
eyes.
"OH ****! ****! IT BURNS!!!"
She is in distress. "WHAT THE **** DID YOU DO?! WHERE THE **** DID YOU COME
FROM?!?!"
"AAAAAUUUGGGGGHHH!!!!"
She's macing you with one hand and smacking you with the other.

What do you do?

A) Call for the animals.

B) Flail.
C) Augh.
D) Try to escape from the car.

A) Call for the animals.

B) Flail.
D) Try to escape from the car.

All while C) Augh.

"Stop it! Stop hitting me you crazy *****!" you scream as you try shielding your eyes from her
mace.
She is hysterical. "You killed my fiancee! You killed him!"
"It- I didn't mean to!"
She grabs a full water bottle out of her purse and smashes you in the head with it repeatedly.
"Hey! Will you- OW! ****!" You decide you're going to need some assistance for this.
"AAAAAUUUGGGHH! HEEEELLP! GUYS! AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!"
"You brought this on yourself!" you hear Donkey call out.
"PLEASE! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGG- OW! STOP ****ING HITTING ME!!"
"Fine! I'll send someone over!"
Good. Help is on the way, but you have to survive until it arrives. You take your hands away
from your face and fling your arms about. "AAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!" One of your arms
knocks the mace out of her hands. "AUGH!" You begin flailing with your legs too. One of your
feet connects with her chest. "HAHA! BOOB KICK!
AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!!" She is still pelting you with that water bottle,
which feels like a hammer. You try to hide behind her dead fiancee, which gets her blows off
you for a moment. You grab her fiancee's arms and flail them at her.
"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUU-"
"Don't touch him! Get your hands off of him!"
"-GGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!" One of your his arms slaps her in the face. You try to climb
back out through the windshield, but she grabs your legs and pulls you back in, then smashes
your head with the water bottle again. You kick her in the boobs once more, and make another
attempt out the windshield. You take a look at the animals, trying to find your help. All of the
animals except for Cow are in front of the restaurant, and Cow is standing behind a parking
meter 20 feet away from you. "AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!" The crazy mourning
***** tries to make another grab at your legs, but you kick her in the face. You climb out of the
windshield and land on the pavement. You look up and you see all of your animals running
toawrds you.
"Get away from the car! Get away from the car!", Cow is shouting.
You get up and run from the car when you see Egg flying with a stick of dynamite in his beak
towards the car. He drops it through the windshield. At a safe distance, you turn around and see
the car explode, hopefully killing the ass that sat in the passenger seat.
Donkey asks, "Okay, where's your truck? It's time to be going."
"AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!"
"HEY!"
"Sorry. It's over th-", BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
You look to your left and see the Applebee's explode, flames shooting off in every direction and
debris landing all throughout the parking lot. Most of the building is destroyed with the initial
explosion, and whatever is left standing collapses within seconds. "You blew up the
Applebee's?!"
"It seemed like a good idea! What if someone in the restaurant saw you fighting with that
chick?"
"So you blow up the whole restaurant?"
"Ah...Yes."

What do you do?

A) Get the **** out of there.

B) Make more things blow up.
C) Check for survivors.
D) Try to put out the flames.

A) Get the **** out of there.

"Alright," you say. "Time to bail."

"How many times do I have to tell you this?" Donkey asks. "These things aren't up to you!
They're up to-"
"GET IN THE ****ING TRUCK!" You and the other start heading for the truck.
Donkey looks around nervously. "I believe the best course of action would be to leave the
scene."

With everyone on board, you start the truck and speed out of the parking lot. From the back you
hear Egg yell, "Wait!"
You slam on the brakes. "What?"
"I'll be right back, mate!" Egg flies through one of the holes in the crate, as he is too small to be
contained.
"Where are you going? Hey!" He doesn't look back. "If you're not back in two minutes, I'm
leaving without you!"
Egg only needs one minute. You spot him flying towards the truck and throw it into reverse to
get him in faster. "What were you doing?"
"Lining the parking lot entrance with land mines! When those coppers try to investigate, it'll give
'em a right nasty blow back to Hell!"
You don't have to time argue whether or not that was a good idea, so you put the gas pedal to the
floor and get far, far away from here.

When you've been driving for a few miles, you turn on the radio and hear, "-local Applebee's
was destroyed today in an explosion. No word on the cause of this explosion yet, but it is
assumed to be a criminal act, as three police cruisers were destroyed when they drove over land
mines trying to enter the parking. Everyone inside is presumed dead, along with the policemen."
"G'day mate! How's your sister?" Egg yells triumphantly from the back.
You become frustrated with the animals once again. "What the **** does that mean? Whose
sister?"
"Whoa whoa," Cow objects. "You're the one who told us to stand up for our animal rights."
"Yeah, but-" you stop talking when you realize something. Almost everything that has happened
has been the fault of your own crappy behavior. You never cleaned the animals, so naturally they
thought they weren't being cared for properly and complained. Because of their complaining, you
slaughtered most of them, which made them more cynical and they trusted you even less. If
hadn't been so bent on curing Donkey's sick interests, that boy wouldn't have died, you wouldn't
have called that therapist, and the therapist wouldn't have been hole-****ed or killed. And now,
if you hadn't told the animals to stand up for themselves, they wouldn't have blown up an
Applebee's.

Everything is your fault. What do you do?

A) Actually let the animals lead, not just manipulate Donkey.

B) Lead some more, but do it better.
C) Continue with the way things are, why bother changing it at this point.
D) Cut off all ties with the animals, as you are a bad influence on them.

C) Continue with the way things are, why bother changing it at this point.

You decide to accept this situation for what it is- the natural order of things. You will always act
off your impulses and emotions, and the animals will always make things difficult. You will
always assume that they will forget a lingering comment or piece of advice you give them, but it
will always bite you in the ass when they act off it when you least expect it. The animals, while
they would never admit it, rely on you for guidance and sustinance, and they will listen to
everything you say and remember it. And because of this, they wi-
"Can I turn on the radio?"
"Shut up, Donkey. I'm summing this up in my head."

And because of this, they will always-

"That's no way to talk to your leader."
"Look, you're not really the leader. You've pretty much done everything as I wanted you to."
"You didn't want me to blow up the Applebee's."
"Yeah, but was that really your idea? Or was it Goat's?"
"It was...both of our ideas."
"Sure it was. Goat is doing the same thing as I am. He's manipulating you to get what he wants,
and what he wants is to throw me off."
"And what do you do want?"
"I want you to be quiet so I can go back to what I was doing."
"Fine."

You sigh. You think you might have hurt his feelings, but you've got to finish what you were
doing. "And because of this, they w-"
"Because of what?"
"Jesus Christ, SHUT THE **** UP, Donkey!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm trying to do this whole thing in my head...It's complicated."
"Well I thought you were still talking to me."
"Not everything is about you, OK?"
"You're an ass, by the way."
"No, you're an ass."
"No, you- Ah! Wait, I get it. Good one."
And because of this, the animals will always...they will always do...."God dammit! I lost my
train of thought!"
"Shouldn't been focusing on your thoughts instead of making jokes."
"**** you."
"You're so eating dirt when we get out of the car."
"I'm not eating ****."
"I know you're not. I said dirt, but keep acting like a jackass and we'll see if we can make that
other one happen for ya."

A cry comes from the back of the truck from Cow. "Oh my God! What was all over that hay?"
Donkey laughs up at the front. "Did-Did you eat it?"
"Yeah! It tastes nasty!"
Another huge laugh comes from the front. "OH MY GOD! That's sick! I can't believe you just
ate that!"
"What's going on?" Goat walks over to inspect it. "Oh ****, Donkey! That's ****ing gross!"
Donkey just laughs. And laughs.

About an hour later, when things have settled down, Donkey asks you, "Hey, do you think Cow
is gonna get hepatitis now? Like, in his mouth?"
"I...I don't know."
"That would totally suck." Donkey closes his eyes and tries to go to sleep.

You're heading for some new farmland in Wyoming. Once on a cross-country trip, you noticed
an area that would be perfect on your way through. You'll probably try there. In the end, you
guess it wasn't so bad. Donkey may have his flaws, but so does everyone else. Even you. You
know that in your heart, you could do a little bit be-
"Can you turn on the radio? I'm ****ing bored as hell back here."

You turn on the radio.

By DoctorSlappy
http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/genmessage.php?board=586631&topic=50887529