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2 Vol.

XXIX, Issue 7 | Wednesday, December 12, 2007

drugs
Upcoming Campus Events
Upcoming Campus Events? Yeah, right. It’s the last week of class.

Welcome To The Layer Cake


Doug Little said, “Stony Brook is no as many continue to blatantly break the ation. Turning to quality, the dealer ex-
different than any other campus in the law on a day-to-day basis, especially plained the differences between strains,
United States. Drugs are prevalent all when it comes to dealing. regs, hydro and exotics. Showing me
By Najib Aminy

throughout society.” Little speaks truth, Due to the nature of his profession, his most prized possession, the dealer
Two shadowy figures flock like in that drugs are essentially every- the dealer wished not to be identified, explained his exotics were notable for
moths to the lamp light. A dark and cold where, whether they are illegal or not. for the sake of his own security. The the strong odor and the amount of crys-
night — their breaths can be seen from For many, breakfast comprises a cup of dealer was compliant, though, in an- tals, as well as the orange strains. In
afar. One look to the right and left, and coffee, (or a cup of drugs), some vita- swering questions; almost eager to be terms of business, one can make $200
both are digging into their pockets. One mins, and maybe a painkiller. Society’s sharing his little secret of selling mari- into $4000 in only a short matter of
pulls out the green, the other the goods. answers to all its aches and pains are juana. It was fitting that pictures of Bob time. “I plan on paying my tuition with
They shake hands and head in separate branded by the logos of many pharma- Marley covered his room, along with this money as well as [for] other stuff.”
directions. The lamplight is still ceutical companies. However, illegal drug paraphernalia being everywhere. Health-wise, the dealer sees pot as
buzzing, still shining, witness to one of drugs are often simply people’s way of Taking a puff from his cigarette, the the best drug out there. Compared to al-
the many drug transactions that occur having a good time while releasing dealer says that “to most people, it is cohol and many other drugs, “pot al-
here at Stony Brook. In the past three stress. Yet what may seem harmless is just pot. In the eyes of the law, it’s lows you to enjoy yourself.” He argues
years, there have been twenty-four ar- frightening to some, as, according to drugs. I mean, I think at least 90 percent that dying from pot alone is impossible,
rests related to drugs, in addition to 124 Little, “90 percent of crimes occur of people here at Stony Brook have in that “one has to smoke three times
disciplinary referrals for drugs and when either the perpetrator or both the tried pot [at least] once.” He went on to their body weight in order to die.” He
paraphernalia with drug residue, as perpetrator and victim are under the in- talk about how pot, specifically, was added, “a tenth [of the] way there and
stated on the Stony Brook website. fluence of drugs.” This unsubstantial more of a social drug — essentially an you will probably fall asleep.” In re-
However, these referrals and arrests gards to other drugs, such as cocaine,
have only managed to expose the very ecstasy and mushrooms, the dealer
tip of the iceberg, leaving an under- said that they are “around, however,
world of contacts, exchanges and drug not as prevalent as pot.” He said that,
use lurking in the shadows. Though according to people he knows, the rates
laws are written to forbid these drugs, of other drugs are in the same range as
as well as underage drinking. The wall pot, however “they are very addictive
these laws create is merely a small hur- and dangerous to become involved
dle for many on their paths to getting with.” The dealer went on to give his
drunk, high or reaching a state of eu- impression of other recreational drugs.
phoria. Whether one deems drug use An ecstasy pill is worth $25. However,
right or wrong, one indisputable fact is with ecstasy, the goal is to be in the eu-
that that use is heavily present. phoric state as long as possible, and
As times change, society grows for without it one feels empty and is not
the greater good. Learning from the the same person. Thus one will do any-
past, people discover what to do and thing to reach that state. A microdot of
what not to do. Like a plant, with great acid ranges up to about $15, where as
care and through trial and error, society magic mushrooms run from $30 to
seems to deem itself better than before. $40. With mushrooms, as the dealer
Yet drugs remain the stubborn thorn on explained, one must take them in two
The goods for the green. Photo Credit: Najib Aminy week intervals, for it will not be as ef-
the rose of society. They have been
used all over and whenever. Drugs have fective if taken in close intervals. With
allowed many to become closer to their statistic, if accurate, would alone pose illegal version of alcohol — or simply a cocaine, an eighth of an ounce. runs up
deities, such as the case of mushrooms serious questions related to the security means of meeting people, as he put it. to $120. According to the dealer, “one
and the Aztecs. They have caused wars threat on campus. In terms of his competition, “there are bump of coke which could cost around
such as the Opium War. And they have To stem the tide of drug use, Little enough people that smoke, so there re- $5 bucks will be enough to take a trip.
created countries, such as our own said, “Stony Brook offers a wide num- ally is nobody stepping on each other’s However, there is a quick tolerance, and
United States’ early with tobacco trade. ber of education resources, counseling toes.” I asked him; “why deal?” “For people become addicts and ruin their
They also lead to advancements in and student health services.” Yet it ap- the free pot,” responds the dealer. The lives.” The dealer went on to say that
medicine, such as using THC to aide pears that such an educational approach nuts and bolts reside in a system in “ecstasy and coke are unhealthy, once
multiple sclerosis sufferers. Specifically has done very little to stop the drug use. which one can buy so much pot, and all you [use them, you] are not the same
here in America, drugs played a pivotal Little said, “Anyone caught using or one has to do is sell more than one uses person. Also, you deal with shady peo-
role in the free flowing nature of the selling drugs will be punished to the to prevent oneself from going under. If ple where the content of the pill could
Sixties, and its aftermath has drastically fullest extent of the law.” He continued, a dealer is wise about it, that dealer can be altered.” According to him, pot it is
influenced our society today. Now, saying that sometimes “an arrest is the get free pot and even make a profit from all about customer service, especially
nearly fifties years later, drugs continue best thing that can happen for someone; it. The usual price runs up to twenty with quality and quantity. With pills
to affect the way people live, socialize it can make them realize that they have dollars for nearly one gram, and given though, he says, one is unable to see the
and go on through life, as its presence a problem and should seek help.” While the amount of times some people buy it contents, whereas with pot, one can
here at Stony Brook proves. rules are not necessarily meant to be throughout the week, it becomes costly simply observe what they are purchas-
For most people, drugs have been broken, a realistic assessment shows — thus dealing seems appealing. ing.
present since the late years of junior that they always are. Little warned, “As The dealer went through the Whether business is booming or
high to the latter years of high school. a police officer, if you are going to do process in which there is a ‘factory’ lo- slow, students here at Stony Brook are
At the college level, it is no different if drugs and drink, don’t get caught, be- cation, in which plants are produced widely aware of the drug culture. A jun-
not more prevalent. Speaking about the cause there will be consequences. and nurtured, which are then trans- ior from Buffalo says that drugs are
drug situation here at Stony Brook, the Eventually your history will catch up to ported to a ‘wholesale’ warehouse. everywhere simply because it is col-
University Police’s Assistant Chief you one day.” However, the benefits of From there, dealers buy what they need, lege. “It is the time of our life where we
using drugs seem to outweigh the risks, and become the ‘salesmen’ of the oper- don’t have much responsibility, we
The Stony Brook Press Drugs 3
--James’ Mom
“Hey, Najib, if your thing is as long as you say it is, it’ll be the first thing in there.”

Layer Cake cont’d


smoke pot or do drugs is because of forcement should be implemented,” in many things to do, which may be why
Continued from previous page
[feel] comfortable [doing] whatever we
want and this is not your typical public their parents. A majority of our parents regards to room checks and RA’s being drugs are so prevalent. In addition, the
life, there is a greater peer respect.” come from the sixties when, at the time, given more authority. A junior from easy ways of entry do not help in hin-
What he says is true, especially with so- it was accepted. And if we see our par- Queens is well aware of drug preva- dering drug prominence. In general, a
ciety building up college to be the glory ents do it, then we believe it is not bad.” lence here as well as easy accessibility, lot may have to do with human nature
years of one’s life, and it does not help She believes in the social aspect of but believes that “because there is no to rebel. However, in the end, whether
the cause of drug use prevention when drugs also, “because there is little to do monitoring, it is easy for drugs to get illegal drugs are used for social pur-
drugs are very conveniently accessible. here on campus, so people resort to here on campus. I mean, you can come poses, whether they are deemed addic-
When asked how easily drugs could be drugs to have fun.” She believes that here by the train or even through the tive, whether they result in violent
purchased, one freshmen from Westch- drugs are also a means of being rebel- front gates; you can just show them an activity, the truth is that they are here.
ester said, “Very easily, it can’t get lious, and if legalized, drug use would ID, not even your ID, and get in.” The mere fact that many go on with
much easier.” He rated their accessibil- decrease. A junior from Jericho says Through our upbringing, everyday their everyday life pretending nothing
ity at 9 out of 10. He believes that many that “drugs are prevalent here, but com- life and environment, it is impossible to is wrong only adds fuel to the fire. And
people do drugs “because it is fun and pared to other universities I have gone be unaffected by illegal drugs. They are with that fire, another blunt is lit, an-
makes up for the lack of things to do to, Stony Brook is not as bad.” When simply everywhere, and it has a lot to other pill swallowed, another deal
here on campus.” A junior from Florida asked about what could be done to curb do with the fact that Stony Brook pres- transacted; another person engulfed
says that “the reason why so many usage, she replied that “stricter en- ents the college environment, but lacks into the layer cake of illegal drugs.

The RIAA, DC and Stony Brook


that It is unmonitored, the file is trans- sion?’” Reeder said, “I suspect that the vember 26 article in Brown’s newspa-
By Alex Berkman ferred from one user’s computer to the answer would be that you would not be per, The Brown Daily Herald.
other within the university’s firewall. happy about someone doing this.” “The 12 letters sent to Brown this
Files are selected through the hub, but A 22-year-old Stony Brook alum- month were some of the 417 at 16 cam-
Tucked away on a dead-end road in transferring is done between computers nus, who asked not to be named, said puses across the country,” the article
Patchogue, N.Y., Jared Verdi’s dark-red on Stony Brook’s network. he used DC++ and found that it was said.
car with the license plate “CAR- Cronet.beastpetter.com describes easy to find music and movies. “Basi- The RIAA has also proposed an
PUTER” sat in front of the two-story how to sign into the CroNet hub using cally anything that’s on your computer, amendment to the Higher Education
red house, but he did not answer the in- the DC++ software: “Name the hub you can share,” said the former student. Act of 1965. The proposal is now in
cessantly ringing doorbell. ‘CroNet’ and set the address to He added that some students shared front of the House of Representatives
“That’s his car, so he should be ‘cronet1.no-ip.info:1090’.” thousands of gigabytes of music and Education and Labor Committee. Ac-
home,” said a friend who stopped by Verdi, in an e-mail, said he com- movies, as well as software and pro- cording to a letter from the American
the house to get a bag of clothing out of municated with the creator of the hub, grams through DC++. Council for Education, the amendment
the garage. who went by the handle “Cro,” through Section 7 of the university’s student would require the Secretary of Educa-
According to Whois.net, a search the CroNet hub when Verdi set up the code of conduct states that sharing of tion to create an annual list of the top
engine to find website ownership, webpage. Verdi also stressed that the copyrighted files is strictly prohibited. 25 campuses in the United States on
Verdi, a Stony Brook University gradu- two never actually met. “This includes but is not limited to the which students illegally share copy-
ate, is the registered owner of beastpet- “I’m actually not the creator of the sharing of copyrighted music, videos, righted material.
ter.com, the host for hub,” Verdi said, adding that he volun- etc.” According to the letter, which can
cronet.beastpetter.com, a page dedi- teered to host the webpage for “Cro.” The most recent action against file- be found at acenet.edu, “The proposal
cated to discussing Stony Brook’s most “We only corresponded though the sharing college students occurred in is aimed at colleges and universities -
notorious illegal file-sharing service, hub and I’ve since graduated from November. which industry leaders admit are re-
DC++ CroNet. Stony Brook, so I’m not sure that I have According to a press release on sponsible for only a small fraction of il-
DC++, which stands for “direct contact info,” Verdi said. He added, “I their website, The Record Industry As- legal file sharing.” It also states that the
connection,” is the only program that just know that he always went by the sociation of America (RIAA) sent 417 list would require a “technology-based
works on campus for file sharing, due nickname ‘Cro’ online.” pre-litigation letter to students at six- deterrent” to prevent file-sharing, but,
to a firewall, or Internet access limiter. According to Verdi’s website, teen universities nationwide. according to unnamed experts, “ade-
Firewalls limit the types of files that can DC++ CroNet “was created early Schools targeted by the RIAA in- quate versions” do not yet exist.s
come through campus Internet connec- March of 2004.” The site also says that cluded Boston University, Brown Uni- Students who want to use DC++
tions. “Cro” and his friends set it up in order versity, Central Michigan University, must share a minimum of 500
DC++ works internationally out- to establish a file-sharing server for Columbia University, Dartmouth Uni- megabytes on the hub to remain active,
side of Stony Brook. It is a program Stony Brook. versity, Duke University, North Car- according to cronet.beastpetter.com. “I
that allows users to sign into various Richard W. Reeder, the university’s olina State University, Princeton had to share, at the time, a minimum of
hubs, such as CroNet, on campus. chief information officer, declined to University, University of Chicago, Uni- two gigabytes,” the anonymous alum-
These hubs act as a central communi- comment but directed a reporter to the versity of Connecticut, University of nus said.
cation port for DC++ users, allowing campus code of conduct. He declined Maine System, University of Nebraska-
them to chat and show which files they an interview, saying he is very busy Lincoln, University of Pennsylvania,
are able to share, according to dcplus- with the upcoming release of the new University of Tennessee-Knoxville,
plus.sourceforge.net, the homepage for version of Solar System. University of Texas-Austin and Yale
DC++ software. “I put forward to you the following University.
The DC++ software connects two question: ‘How would you deal with In Rhode Island, the RIAA sent
users’ computers so they may directly someone taking and using your intel- pre-litigation letters to twelve students
share files between them. To ensure lectual content without your permis- at Brown University, according to a No-
4 Vol. XXIX, Issue 7 | Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Editorial Board
Executive Editor
Matt Willemain
editorials
Managing Editor
Rebecca Kleinhaut
Associate Editor
Stony Brook Goes Green
Stony Brook pledged this week to Global Warming. If Al Gore can preach climate friendly yet. That can be fixed.
Alex H. Nagler

become one of the 448 colleges and environmental awareness at the MTV Many mass produced documents that
Business Manager
universities nation wide to sign the Video Music Awards, surely we can do are distributed at large on campus aren’t
Adina Silverbush
The The Business Manager American College and University Pres- something to help the environment. recycled when they’re disposed of.
idents’ Climate Commitment If the IPCC report is right and Campus newspapers, ourselves in-
Bryan Hasho
Production Manager (ACUPCC), pledging to reduce their Greenland melts, adding an estimated cluded, have a tendency to be chucked
greenhouse gasses 80% by 2050 and ten meters to the global sea level, the in the waste bin alongside that bag of
Apply Within
News Editor commit funding to education and re- main campus could find itself much chips you just finished eating. A wise
James Laudano search on climate change and global closer to the beach than it would like. Wallaby once told us, “R-E-C-Y-C-L-
warming. Parts of Long Island would be under E, Recycle. C-O-N-S-E-R-V-E, Con-
The signing of this commitment is water, to say nothing of the submersion serve. Don’t you P-O-L-L-U-T-E the
Features Editor
Jonathan Singer
just another step in Stony’s treck to- of the FDR Drive in the City. ocean, river, air, or sea, or else you’re
wards carbon neutral, having fitted the But Stony Brook can do more. It gonna get what you deserve.” Let’s lis-
Arts Editor

campus busses to be ecologically safe takes more than a recycling room on ten to him, and to Al Gore, and oddly
Madeline Scheckter

and dedicated the better part of the every floor of resident halls and paper enough, to Shirley Strum Kenny. Let’s
Photo Editors

Southampton campus’s curriculum to recycling bins in dorm rooms, or a sin- pitch in and do our part to help out our
John ‘Caboose’ O’Dell
Roman Sheydvasser
environmental sustainability. This also gle environmental club being allowed own ecosystem of Long Island here at
directly follows the recognition of three to use soda bottles to build their Regatta Stony. The Press office recycles now.
Copy Editors

professors share by the 2007 Nobel boat as a plea for awareness. This takes Do you?
Alex Berkman
Nick Eaton
Peace Prize for their work with the In- the efforts of students as well. A simple
Katie Knowlton
Webmaster tergovernmental Panel on Climate signed document isn’t enough- it takes
Chris Williams Change (IPCC), along with former Vice action.
Audiomaster President Al Gore, the rock star of Some of the campus buses aren’t
Vincent Michael Festa
Ombudsman
Sam Goldman

Minister of Archives
Alex Walsh
Asbestos Hazard...Unforgivable
Distribution Manager So, this dude came down to our of- with it.” And that doesn’t sit well with
David K. Ginn fice last week. He was all like “Y’all got a us, no sir. Editor’s Note: I wonder if the build-
fire hazard in your archives. at fake Besides, we were thinking about it ing administration is aware that aer

Staff
Layout Design by wall is dangerous. Also, you can’t have later on, and we came to realize that every struggle we have with them in re-
Jowy Romano
this couch in the hall.” And we were like around half the building is actually gards to policy, we laugh at how most of
“Listen, ho, y’all got couches all over the lined with asbestos. at’s right, bitches, them are intellectually inferior they are
second floor. And they been there for- asbestos. So while y’all fools sit in the to every single member in our staff box.
Najib Aminy
Cindy Liu
ever.” And then they gave us the fire SINC site, typin yo shit, or while you sit We’ve spent thirty years tirelessly at-
Kotei Aoki
Cat Lund threat report. e threat was listed as in your clubs, or eat in the Union Com- tempting to make you understand the
Ross Barkan
Tia Mansouri
Shaun Bennett minimal… minimal! We talking about mons, y’all bitches are breathing in simplest concepts around here, and you
Mariana Martins
Alex Berkman
Leeza Menon minimal threat, here. something that leads to illnesses that still haven’t gotten it, you robot-minded
Andrew Bernstein
James Messina
J............C
Douglas Cion
Jamie Mignone And so they like “We gonna tear kill 10,000 Americans per year…. buffoons.
Steve McLinden
Whiskers T. Clown
Dana Murray down that fake wall, and take away that Unforgivable…
Jessica Cordero
Rob Pearsall couch. And y’all just gonna have to deal
Caroline D’Agati
Andrew Pernick
Alisha D’Andrea
Jon Plaisted
Joe Donato
Jon Pu
Nick Eaton
Matthew Rammelkamp

THE STONY BROOK PRESS


Michael Felder
Nirmala Ramsaran
Joe Filippazzo
Kristine Renigen
Amelia Fischer
Berta Rezik
Andrew Fraley
Dave Robin
Jamie Freiermuth
Joe Safdia
Ilyssa Fuchs
Natalie Schultz
Rob Gilheany
Roman Sheydrasser
Joanna Goodman
Scott Silsbe
Stephanie Hayes
Rose Slupski
Marta Gyvel
Amberly Timperio
Mo Ibrahim
Lena Tumasyan
Elizabeth Kaplan
Ben Van Overmeire
Alexander Kahn
Marcel Votlucka
Olga Kaplun
Alex Walsh
Jack Katsman
Brian Wasser
Shirley Strum Kenny
Ed Zadorozny
Antony Lin

The Stony Brook Press is published fortnightly during


the academic year and twice during summer session
by The Stony Brook Press, a student run non-profit or-
ganization funded by the Student Activity Fee. The opin-
ions expressed in letters, articles and viewpoints do not
necessarily reflect those of The Stony Brook Press as a
whole. Advertising policy does not necessarily reflect

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The Stony Brook Press Editorials 5
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The Asstatistics Awards


The Press is proud to recognize in print the 2007 squeeze on students yet again, compensating for New Exactly how stupid does he think we are?
winners of the Asstatistics Award, which celebrates York State’s failure to adequately fund the State Uni- It turns out that Little assumes we are dumber
the very best in the fanciful fabrication of supposedly versity by generating revenue from doubling parking than six year olds. At the recommendation of his
statistical information, which conveniently supports fines. Of course, with the University grasping for peers, we checked with child cognitive development
the arguments or interests of these highly competitive cash by over enrolling students, more than the campus expert Prof. Robert Siegler at Carnegie Mellon Uni-
out-of-ass-pullers. They truly are keeping the dream has room to house, the dwindling number of free versity, whose research focuses on “the growth during
alive! parking spaces and the doubled fines drops a devas- childhood of problem solving and reasoning.” We
The Bronze Medal goes to: anonymous drug tating combo on undergraduates who need to park. asked Prof. Siegler at what age does a child under-
dealer. Little’s words stand that rearranging a fixed number of objects in a
Quoted frequently in Nejib Aminy’s page 2 arti- went fixed number of containers will result in the same
cle about drug crime on campus, the source at one number of empty spaces. While he didn’t know of
point asserts that “I think at least 90 percent of any specific studies addressing the question, in
people here at Stony Brook have tried pot Siegler’s opinion a three or four year old would
once.” This may make a lot of sense understand the premise with fewer than
to a recreational pot smoker who also four containers, and a six year old would
sells, and for all we know might be true figure it out for larger sets.
of the campus. But there’s an awful lot (Maybe we should have asked
of people at Stony Brook, and it’s a Siegler at what age the average States-
good bet that he hasn’t even met at least man editor would develop the cognitive
two thirds of them, so he’s making a ability to see through Little’s story. They
hefty generalization. headlined their coverage of the fine in-
The Silver Medal goes to: Statesman crease “Admin Attempts to Free Space
editor Suraj Rahmbia. with Increased Fines.”)
The hands down winner for uninten- Little’s other remarks defending the in-
tional comedy in student media, Rambhia’s defensible seemed intended to alienate and
latest op-ed, “Arrested for Pot? And You demonize any student who didn’t meet the
Wonder Where America is Going…” opens university’s unreasonable parking demands.
with the minute martinet pleading to a sense- Here’s where magical math comes into play. Lit-
less world, “Why do people smoke marijuana?” tle was quoted implying that, first 98%, and then
Rahmbia wants us to know that Marijuana is a 99% of students never park illegally on campus. It
poor alternative to truly living life, and he backs up may serve his cause to create the impression that rebel
his schoolmarmish warnings with concrete sounding parkers are a tiny, shameful minority, but his un-
data fresh from the Rahmbia rear. “People who have sourced numbers are laughable.
2.5 GPAs, 80% of the time, probably smoke pot or Back in the saddle, responding to questions from
something else illegal in their spare time.” Yeah, we Aminy for the same drug crime article that gave us
think we read that in the Journal of Not Made Up the bronze winner, Little more recently asserted that
(famed for its rigorous peer review process). Its hard “90 percent of crimes occur when either the perpetra-
to guess who should be more insulted, pot users with tor or both the perpetrator and victim are under the in-
3.9 GPAs, stone cold sober students with 2.5 GPAs, or fluence of drugs.” Sounds good, Doug; 90% is a lot,
the poor unfortunates who read the Statesman. on a whirlwind tour of student media, as he spun the right? I guess the other ten percent of crimes are
Move over kids, because 2007’s champion is a fine increase as, believe it or not, a benefit to students. when the victim and not the perpetrator are under the
fellow who’s obviously been doing this for a long Reaching new heights in obscene dishonesty, Little influence of drugs.
time: argued that student would benefit from the parking We’d like to thank everyone out there who is
The Gold medal goes to: University Police As- fine increase, because it would encourage legal park- making up numbers to presume the credibility of
sistant Chief Doug Little. ing and that would mean more parking spaces for stu- scholarship in support of their unresearched caprice,
Little sets the standard. In recent weeks we’ve dents. According to Little’s implication, if the same you may not have earned a space in the Hall of Fame,
seen just a few examples that the challengers just cars are in legal and not illegal parking spots, there but you’re living the life, baby. Diner’s club!

Letters
can’t answer. When the University decided to put the are more spaces free, therefore benefiting students.

Hey... sent, without reminders. It's also shitty for your readers to see the same arti-
cle published twice because the writter got fucked and demanded it be put in
I'm still really disappointed that the editor of your newspaper discredited again w/out a spoof article next to it and a star trek pic in my article.
or drew attention away from my article on illegal immigration. It's hard to imagine you guys could be fucking w/ me on purpose because
Can you guys re-print it as an apology, and also actually ADD IN THE your butt buddies with david rockefeller - but you know, that's actually a real
PICTURES I SENT YOU THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE ARTICLE IN- conspiracy theory. Everything i write about is documented and people need
STEAD OF SOME BLACK GUY FROM STAR TREK? SERIOUSLY WHAT to know about it and your an open forum so you have a responsibility to pub-
THE FUCK. lish it. To that i'm actually very grateful for the good service your newspaper
Also, I have an article about the UN and the Rockefeller family and global provides. It just sucks that you allow bullshit like this to go on. Please try to
gun confiscation. It was sent weeks ago, a little lengthy, and you said you'd get your act together.
push it off till next issue and it's been 3 issues past now...so i guess you never Again let me know if i need to re-send any of those above mentioned ar-
plan on putting it in. Can you please publish it? WITH the pictures i sent? ticles/pictures.
If you need any of these articles/pictures AGAIN, i can dig them up. But
it's not really my job to submit articles more than once - you guys should do ank you,
the right thing and publish them when you can, and in the manner they are Matthew Rammelkamp
6 Vol. XXIX, Issue 7 | Wednesday, December 12, 2007

letters cont’d
Matt, is wasn't enough for you, was it? He apologized, saying he never meant
to take credibility away from you, and even tried encouraging you by saying
You are an idiot. We don't have a responsibility to publish your far-fetched that the article should stand on its own, and that if you respect the intelli-
conspiracy theories. We do it because we feel it's important to print a wide gence of our readers, you'll trust them to make the same judgment on the two
range of views and ideas for people to see. We didn't like the pictures you sub- articles as you did.
mitted. We came up with our own. Yes, some black guy from Star Trek. A And you miserable, misinformed idiot, you contradicted yourself when
brilliant way to describe the picture, if you ask us. you claimed that our open forum policy should prevent such articles as Mr.
We will not print an apology, because we don't owe one to you. All you do Ginn's. Apparently, you do fully understand what an open forum is. Also, in
is read the bullshit other people come up with and swallow it all just as easily an attempt to put things into perspective, you offered to parody of Ginn's own
as the average sheep-American swallows the mainstream bullshit. You are articles, which he gleefully and eagerly accepted. Immediately, since that was
not unique, you are not underground, you are not rebellious, you are not a not the reaction you expected and thus it didn't help prove your point, you re-
leader or spokesperson. You are a follower. You latch onto one idea aer the scinded your offer. at makes you an ass.
next, simply because it provides a concrete answer to all that sucks in the We have never censored you, Matt Rammelkamp. Starting now, though,
world, not to mention the narrow, focused blame it allows you to throw. ere we will not accept your submissions. We can choose what to print based on
are conspiracies all the time, Matt Rammelkamp! Try to do some actual, first- what we feel works in our paper. Just so you know, every single issue you sub-
hand research and uncover one of thousands of conspiracies actually hap- mit content to, there is a debate on whether or not to put it in, and, here's the
pening, instead of reading books and online blogs about way more far-fetched ironic twist: David Ginn is one of the people who is always voting yes, citing
things other people are claiming happened. ey may have happened, but that he feels alternate viewpoints are what adds much-wanted color and con-
you don't know. You provide nothing but third-hand research, and it's lame. troversy to the paper. Since you accepted his truce last week, then changed
Your writing is lame, and you use shock paragraphs to add more severity to your mind in your Dec. 3rd e-mail, Ginn, as well as most others here, do not
it. e world sucks, Matt, and it's people who make it suck. Not some group feel you deserve to be a part of this paper. You got your apology, as well as a
of six or seven pompous assholes shaping our world, but people. Everyone. promise that your work will never be parodied or ridiculed in such a fashion
Illegal immigration is an important issue, and there's a lot of debate going on again. You should know, that's more than any writer or editor has ever re-
about it right now. It would be so easy if you could bypass the gray area and ceived. People who have contributed much more to this newspaper have
skip right to the conspiracy, wouldn't it? Give it a rest, you manipulated buf- never gotten an agreement to not ever have their work parodied in such a
foon. fashion, and most of them have worked here long enough to actually deserve
Have a nice day, and fuck you for having the audacity to make demands such an agreement. Still, we went out of our way to accommodate your child-
out of this paper. ish request, and still we received further demands from you. For that you get
a big "fuck you". Here it is, wait for it... Fuck you!
Love, So, if it makes you feel good, go and do the only thing you've ever actually
e Stony Brook Press succeeded at: snitching. Go and tell mommy and daddy judiciary that the lit-
tle paper won't run your tin-hatted conspiracy theories anymore. See what
they say. Oh wait, never mind, you're not actually in trouble for something,
so there's no jail time to avoid by tattling. Hmm. Makes us wonder why you'd
OK, want to not be a coward and tell me who i am speaking with? waste your time. At least when you were a petty arsonist looking down the
barrel of a very large judicial gun, you had a reason to be a cowardly snitch.
2) i didn't ask for an apology publically, i asked forhaving my article re- Now it just doesn't make sense.
printed. it's one thing not to publish all the pictures i send because of lack of So, thank you for your contributions to our newspaper, and good luck
room. it's another thing to have a bias against my point of view and to put to you in your future endeavors! Please feel free to contact us at any time if
OTHER pictures not submitted by me, that have nothing to do with my arti- you want copied of your past submissions. Good day to you, sir!
cle, and put them in it. ...not to mention allowing a spoof article right next to
it that is about fucking people's moms. it makes your entire paper look like an With much love,
immature stupid fucking joke. e Stony Brook Press
next wednesday that i have an hour to waste; i'll try to take up my issue
with your entire staff. i don't think you guys are allowed to run like a dicta-
torship, so i'll appeal to everyone else.
i'm sure it's just one or two people who like fucking with me and if your not
a coward let me know who you are so i can bitch you out next time i see you. So THAT'S why you hate me.
btw, i dont give a fuck if you dont believe my conclusions or whatever. i'm Dude, there's not my conspiracy theories. Go do some basic research. Go
not trying to convince you; but to have my viewpoints heard to the sbc om- to wikipedia and read under David Rockefeller...quotations "Some even be-
munity. lieve we are part of a secret cabal working against the best interests of the
you have the right to disagree, and not research my claims to find out if United States, characterizing my family and me as 'internationalists' and of
they are true. but you don't have the right to censor me - and if you piss me conspiring with others around the world to build a more integrated global po-
off enough i'll try to get your funding revoked. you are an open forum, so start litical and economic structure - one world, if you will. If that is the charge, I
acting like it. stand guilty, and I am proud of it." - From Rockefeller's "Memoirs", (p.405).
How is that MY CONSPRIACY THEORY? How is it not DAVID ROCK-
EFELLER'S CONSPIRACY? Go to the library and look on page 405 in his
memoirs, for example.
Matt, Of course this isn't proof in itself. But, you guys haven't published my basic
research article about the rockefeller family, which is the reason i wrote the last
Your ignorance is further revealed with everything you put into writing. email. You've published 3 issues since, but not included my article. is has
Your threats are meaningless, not to mention completely unresearched. Since nothing to do w/ my conversation with David.
you have threatened us so, we have decided not to print anything you send us A 'fuck you' from an anonymous person gives little weight. Why won't
anymore. You see, our open forum is a privilege, not an obligation. We have you Identify yourself?
the right to refuse content at any time, and if you don't like the way the edi- Stop signing your message with "the stony brook press" - your one person
tors handled the aesthetics of your article, you should come down and ap- and i don't think the group has made a decision to ban my articles. again, i
proach us about it. don't think your allowed to, but whatever; your paper sucks and no one takes
Oh wait, you did. at's right, you spoke to Mr. David K. Ginn about the it seriously anyway (thanks to the immaturity and un-importance / un-jour-
situation, and although he rightly defended its place in the paper, if I recall nalistic /un-educational / un-muckraking of your submissions).
correctly, he apologized to you and said, I quote: "Although what I did was-
n't wrong, out of respect for you, a fellow writer, I will not do anything like that
again."
The Stony Brook Press Letters 7
E-mail The Press at
“They mostly come out at night. Mostly...” sbpress@gmail.com

Matt,
Hold on.
Sorry, it was difficult to write with David Rockefeller's dick up our collec-
We like our paper that way, thank you. And this isn't coming from just one
tive asses. ere's really nothing like a good dose of Rockefeller sodomy to
person. at fuck you is from all of us here at e Stony Brook Press. Hold
soothe the ailing soul. Anyways, now that his dick is flaccid and in waiting,
on, let us ask the room.
we'll give you the real scoop as quickly as we can. We wanted to print your ar-
Oh shit, they all agree. ere was a unanimous "Fuck you, Matt Ram-
ticle, honestly! We tried so hard to sneak it in at the last minute, before he got
melkamp" shouted in such unison that it defied even the current typist's ex-
back from the shower that night, but-
pectations. Hold on, I'll make a few phone calls.
Ughhh! (His dick is back in our asses, we'll talk later) Where were we? Oh
Oh shit, you're never going to believe this. Most of the Editorial Board
yes, not printing your Rockefeller article. Well, he's telling us to keep quiet
says "Fuck you, Matt Rammelkamp." No supporters here, douchebag.
until he cums, so we can't comment further on the issue.
And yes, you have proved our point exactly. By your conspiracy theories,
And about "our" one person (maybe you meant "you're one person", as in
trust me, we certainly did not mean your original conspiracies. e whole
the contraction, not the possessive pronoun): I hope that it's been made clear
point of us calling you a lame follower was to point out how what you write
to you that this exchange is editorial, not individual. We have all decided not
is just recycled bullshit you read about elsewhere. Re-read our last response
to associate ourselves with you anymore. It is not worth the trouble. Plus,
to you. We would never even dare to give you the credit of coming up with
we don't want next year's E-Board to forget one of your articles and find their
these theories, however insane and stupid they are. If you were an original
houses on fire.
crazy person, we might respect you a whole lot more. What makes us sick is
We don't hate you for being a domestic terrorist and a snitch. To each his
your sheep-like loyalty to what seems like every conspiracy you can find.
own, man. We just think that adds to the ridiculousness of your character.
And it seems like we forgot to print your stupid Rockefeller article in the
issue you submitted it for. We didn't transfer it to the folder for the next issue,
With much love, and a giant "fuck you" from us all,
because we typically don't go back and do that. We printed all your other
e Stony Brook Press
bullshit, didn't we? Obviously we weren't targeting your Rockefeller crap.

Dear Press,

Peace out, you crazies.

Love always,
Becca
8 News Vol. XXIX, Issue 7 | Wednesday, December 12, 2007
It’s very late, and since I, The Press’ delivery boy, have been left to finish the issue, I find it necessary to fill the bit of space below with a fan-made
wallpaper of Kristen Bell, star of TVs Veronica Mars and Heroes. I will marry her one day.

Some Christians are Enraptured by Isreael


organization’s website, the IFCJ calls megachurch in San Antonio. His con- on a daily basis, which has halted the
By Jon Singer Arab claims to sovereignty over por- gregation had been a long time sup- tourism industry. As these claims are
tions of Israel “illegitimate.” They see porter of Hadassah hospital, the Jewish false, the IFCJ even leads organized
1948 as the fulfillment of a prophecy medical center located upon the highly trips to Israel.
Rabbi Yechiel Eckstein looks like a given more than 2000 years ago. contested Mount Scopus. But last year, If one follows the biblical defini-
typical modern orthodox Jew – always And, in line with this thinking, donations stopped when the hospital tion, “the promised land” would in-
wearing a kippah and doing little to 1967 was just one more aspect of God started performing abortions. clude The West Bank and Gaza strip.
hide his thick New York accent. But at defending the Jewish people and their Instead, the money was diverted to Although the scripture is open to inter-
work, his behaviors mimic evangelists land. It was also when the key Christian orphanages and immigration programs. pretation, as the bible sets boundaries
like Jerry Fallwell. Eckstein has been a city of Bethlehem came under Israeli “Our bringing the exiles back to Eretz based on biblical areas like the “wilder-
regular contributor to worship services control. Christian Zionists, siding with Israel is a fulfillment of Jeremiah’s ness of zin” and “Ha’zar-enan,” defini-
at Midwest megachurches, where he right wing Israelis, have no thought of prophecy,” said Hagee, referring to the tions that would over cross the modern
solicits donations from the Christian giving the land back. “Splitting latter. day boarders of Israel, the West Bank,
right and offends other Jewish leaders Jerusalem would not be a very positive Eckstein’s work is publicized in Gaza, and surrounding nations. Sum-
at the same time. thing,” says Andrew Summey, Chris- The Jerusalem Post, where his latest mey points out that the while the area
The money, nearly $400 million tian Outreach director of The David campaign repaired private bomb shel- promised to Abraham is quite large, it
since 1983, goes to Eckstein’s Interna- Project. ters in Northern Israel, pumping in ten has never fully been in Jewish hands.
tional Fellowship of Christians and Christian Zionists see Israeli sol- million dollars raised from evangelical “At some point in time,” he says, “All
Jews, a non-profit organization that fos- diers, politicians, and voters as living Christians, as reported in the Post. that land is ultimately going to become
ters the lucrative relationship between manifestations of God’s will and testa- On the other side of Israel’s politi- Israel.”
Christian and Jewish Zionists. ment, even though this average Israeli cal spectrum, the IFCJ has been criti- After repeated telephone calls, the
It can be called a sleeping with the citizen is not religious. Fighter jets, cized in the secular Israeli newspaper IFCJ has yet to respond to inquiries.
devil relationship. According to Timo- Uzis, nuclear weapons, and bikini-clad Haaretz. The paper aimed at Eckstein’s The organization chooses to play up-
thy P. Weber, author of On the Road to women on the beach in Tel Aviv are not Fallwell-style infomercials, which are beat Jewish music while callers on put
Armageddon: How Evangelicals Be- mentioned in ancient scripture. broadcast on Christian Television. “In hold. Then rabbi Eckstein interjects, to
came Israel’s Best Friend, many Chris- Secularization is a source of con- order to convince people to part with recite bible verses. With regards to Fall-
tians, over one third of those Americans tention among Israelis and Christian donations, the organization paints a well, Eckstein represented Israel at the
who support Israel, support the Jewish Zionists. Dispensationalists in America rather bleak picture of Israel, which is reverend’s funeral. If the apocalypse
state because they believe that Jews send money to support a liberal coun- not always consistent with the actual does happen to come in Israel, then per-
must control the Holy Land in order for try that might not necessarily agree with lives of Israel’s residents,” says one re- haps it will be up to the Israeli Defense
Jesus to return. its biggest supporters. Pastor John port. Forces to defend the world from evil.
Conflict arises when the definition Hagee is the founder of Christians That bleak picture suggests that
of “the Holy Land” is contested. On the United for Israel, and a pastor at a Palestinian terror attacks occur in Israel
The Stony Brook Press News 9
“Fuckers”

Listen to Reason?
age, race, sex, sexual ori- switch, stating that having more elected tor of Student Affairs), it does not in-
entation [...] or any other officials “works beyond the current ad- clude any of the class representatives.
criterion prohibited by ministration” to fight against corrup- All positions are appointments with the
By Rebecca Kleinhaut

state or local laws.” tion and nepotism in USG. exception of the treasurer, which is stu-
Students who were unhappy with Vice President Shapiro However, Vice President dent elected.
the Undergraduate Student Govern- clarified that the constitution on the Shapiro expressed to the Senator Stephen Elardo, who stated
ment’s (USG) Fall 2007 constitution ballot “did protect those [rights],” but Senate that he dis- that fewer elected officials meant “the
proposal might get the chance to vote the lack of language contributed to the agreed with the deci- best candidates are going to put in the
on a reworked document next semester. “confusion” regarding their presence. sion, arguing that work,” praised the cutting of some po-
On December 6, the drafters of the The extra language was also added appointment of sitions from the ballot.
proposed document returned to the Un- to reinforce USG’s duties regarding the treasurer Also included was the Judiciary
dergraduate Senate to introduce a re- viewpoint neutrality. The framers added would force the Act on Funded Organizations, which
vised copy of the new constitution. a clause that allows clubs to use their president to take outlines the “constitutional rights” of all
The originally overhauled docu- funding as “admissible evidence” in responsibility USG-funded organizations on campus.
ment, which would have replaced discrimination suits against USG. for his appoint- Rights included those that exist in the
USG’s current Constitution, was first The framers also added an extra ment’s compe- Bill of Rights, such as freedom of
introduced to the student body on the provision for the punishment and ex- tency. Senator Sean speech, religion, and assembly. The bill
ballot during the Fall 2007 semester. pelling of senators. One cause for con- Moore agreed, also entitles all clubs to bring USG to
The document was voted down by 70 cern in the previously introduced stating that an trial over accusations of discrimination.
percent of voters, receiving 749 “nay” document was that only two- elected official The new constitution and afore-
votes. thirds of the Senate was needed does not guaran- mentioned bills will be on the ballot
Jonathon Hirst, Vice President of to remove a senator from tee financial pro- next semester if the Senate approves.
Student Life and one of the original his or her post. Shapiro ad- ficiency. They will reconvene and cast their
framers of the new constitution, told the mitted that the language Vice President Hirst votes next semester.
Senate that he went over the proposed surrounding this provision said that the change was
document with “concerned students” in was “vague.” They added due to the largely “custo-
clubs and organizations, as well as with the stipulation that the impeached dial” nature of the job.
other members of USG. Executive Vice senator would sit for a trial with “[The Senate] determines
President Nathan Shapiro, also an orig- the Chief Justice in attendance. standards for [payment]
inal framer, said that although the Shapiro said that this move “does vouchers,” said Hirst.
framework is “substantially the same,” provide a few checks” against Included with the new
it “addressed some of the concerns” of the practice of corrupt party constitution were two
those students with whom he spoke. politics. bills, which, should the
The framers identified unclear lan- Another significant differ- new document make it
guage as one of the reasons for the stu- ence from the previously introduced to the ballot, would
dent body’s rejection of the new document was the acknowledgement also be up for student
constitution. One change is the specific of the treasurer as an elected offi- body approval. Shapiro
enumeration of those who would be cial. The formerly proposed docu- said that the bills were for-
protected under the constitution. Article ment identified the president and mulated because they recog-
One, Section Four now includes a state- executive vice president as the only nized that, during the last
ment that USG “[cannot] discriminate student-elected positions. election, students were “un-
against any [student] on the basis of The treas- easy of approving a system be-
urer was fore knowing what kind of system
previously it would be.”
a position The Executive Coun-
that was ap- cil Act outlines the posi-
pointed by the tion titles and job
president. descriptions of the presi-
Senator dent’s executive council.
Blake Wind Although the bill in-
praised the cludes the newly titled
positions of some
current Council
members (the
Vice President of
Student Life be-
comes the Direc-
10 Vol. XXIX, Issue 7 | Wednesday, December 12, 2007

features
Inside the Features section-
Kotei’s Final Korner??? Berkman’s Finest Coverage The Booger Show
Page 10 Page 8 Page 9

Communist Soy
ever heard of a soybean takeover? No, it – my soul, and that is why I partici- and I was going to be forced to spy on
right? That’s what they want you to be- pated in numerous spying operations. It my own country, despite my enduring,
lieve! Ronald Reagan? Soybean. I was my mission, and I didn’t get a undying, eternal patriotism.
By Jack Katsman

mean, whoever heard of an actor be- choice whether I wanted to accept it or I knew my precious bodily flu-
coming president without the aid of not. Fuck, these are soybeans we’re ids were in danger, and with PETA and
There is a new epidemic hitting soybeans! talking about, not some wimpy-ass self- the Russians together, my sex life was
college campuses around the country. I leave you with this tidbit of destructing tape. doomed. Though this was of primary
It’s a little game we like to call syphilis. information. Soybeans are anti-Jesus, I was somewhere around the concern, I was also intrigued by what I
Oh sorry, wrong article. I mean, soy- anti-America, and anti-Heliotrope. Lincoln Memorial, on the edge of the discovered within our nations capital.
beans! Yes, soybeans, the little green Please, be careful with your soy prod- capital, when the beans began to take Sausages! They make sausages! Still
things people put in various meatless ucts. I beg you. Please! hold, and I remember saying something being vegan at that time, I was horri-
entrees and appetizers. Some people like, “I feel a bit light headed, maybe fied. It was a disgusting, horrible, cor-
even eat it boiled and salted, which is
Stoytment on Soybeans you should drive.” But then I realized I rupt process, or so I thought.
called edamame. Surprise, surprise. was alone, and I wasn’t driving. Before I spotted Ashcroft, and desper-
By: Katie Flanagan
But there is a secret to these I knew it, I had gone through Washing- ately in need of a rising sound, de-
evil evil little… things! They are all ton’s security using only a pick ax and manded he sing. It was then that the
I was, at one point in my life,
communist spies! Soy beans are the George Foreman grill. It was at this hallucinations began. I’d tell you of the
tricked into the vegetarian lifestyle by
bane of the existence of all that is holy point that I came to a realization – not evil I saw, but it’s a “you had to be
a band of PETA conspirators. I needed
and democratic. Their cream colored only was my soul possessed by soy there” story. I was fooled into believing
something different, and all the cool
exteriors do nothing to hide their black beans, but they were Russian soy beans, the lies of the liberally biased media.
kids were doing it. Before I knew it, I
souls, their anti-Christian agendas! Fucking New York Times.
was vegan. I thought that I could stop
Witness testimony provides Anyway, I was eventually dis-
whenever I wanted, I didn’t have to
much in the way of understanding the covered and taken to room 102, due to
avoid animal products. But I was into
allusive and evil soy bean. One, Katie a rat infestation in room 101. I don’t re-
the organic stuff too; I had no idea how
Flanagan, claims that after becoming a ally remember much from that point
serious the repercussions would be. At
vegan, the soybeans took over her sou1! on, I think it had something to do with
that time I didn’t know the true mean-
Her soul!!!!!!!!! Yes, her soul. They side effects from the soy beans, but
ing of PETA – People Eavesdropping
made her do horrible things, things that luckily, the nice Republicans were
Today Acronym. I don’t know why
would make George Bush, Ru Paul, and there to take care of me. I’m happy to
they included the word Acronym in
Jesus cry all at once! Yes, all at once. report that I’m eating meat again, but
their acronym, but they did.
They made her steal things from the not to worry, I’m a conscientious con-
As a vegan, not only was I
Washington! sumer, and I only eat bacon after the
doing tofu, but I was into soy. That’s
Clearly, this is the truth and pigs have finished their poker games.
right, you’ve heard the stories. I
there is no need for more evidence. But
thought, “That’ll never happen to me.”
I think I will give you more. Have you
But soybeans possessed – you guessed

Festival of Lights:
an Event I Didn’t Really Attend
spective culture. related crafts. “free food and crafts.”
The event “celebrates diversity of “Most events get people to come if Student Emma Kobolakis said, “I
religions and faith,” said Cheryl Cham- there are free food and refreshments,” came for the pineapple and the specta-
By Alex Berkman

bers, the co-chair of the Office of Mul- said Shari Marie Vances, a member of cle.”
On Wednesday, December 5, many ticultural Affairs. the Catholic Campus Ministry, adding
departments and student organizations The festival was hosted by Rabbi that faith brings people
on campus sponsored and funded Stony Joseph Topek of the Interfaith Center. together.
Brook’s Seventh Annual Festival of It included performances, presentations “Bringing different
Lights in the Student Activities Center and choirs including members of reli- religions together,”
auditorium to bring the diverse campus gious groups on campus, such as the Matthew Anderson, of
community together for the holiday Muslim Student Association, the Hillel the Catholic Campus
season. Choir and the Stony Brook Gospel Ministry, said is the rea-
Students from different organiza- Choir. son for the event. “Cul-
tions, including various campus min- Food relating to each holidays eth- tural understanding,” he
istries, such as Hillel and the Muslim nicity and culture was served. Christ- added, was a major goal
Students Association, helped run tables mas had cookies and eggnog, as well.
that offered information on each reli- Hanukkah had potato latkes and Kwan- Some students came
gion’s holiday and gave out free food. zaa had fresh fruit. “to get into the Christ-
Each table included decorations The festival also offered attendees a mas spirit,” Bethany
and a sign describing the history and table to make and decorate their own Shutsliffe said, adding
significance of each holiday to its re- keychains, ornaments and other holiday that she also came for the For Deepavali, not National Socialism
The Stony Brook Press Features 11
E-mail The Press at
You’ve gotta fight. For your right. To paaaartyyyy! sbpress@gmail.com

The Booger Show With


Jon Singer

One day I am going to move to Is- cant. Even the ATMs at Bank ter of The Old City. We were hungry – subculture thrives among Israel’s sec-
rael. I’m not very religious – I don’t Hapoalim were out of service. So I did we kept up our Canadian charade as ular youth. On Friday nights, when
believe that the entire world’s popula- what any responsible Jew would do on we purchased Arab bagels and many Jews light candles and pray,
tion came from six people – but lately a Saturday in Jerusalem. I walked to schwarma. We also had numerous op- these anarchists take to the streets on
I’ve felt more and more compelled to The Western Wall, the holiest site in portunities to buy bootleg DVDs. bicycles as part of the worldwide Crit-
live in the Jewish state. Judaism. Unlike the ATMs, the metal Back in Israel proper, we smoked ical Mass movement.
I’ve already been over there twice. detectors at the entrance to the Wall
Both times I went on what were essen- were running.
tially Zionist propaganda programs. At An Israeli flag waves on a flagpole
least my Israeli tour guide was willing in front of The Wall. This connects
to talk about occupations and settle- Jewish nationalism to Judaism. Behind
ments. He even brought us to his the wall is a mosque, and inside that
house, to show us a practical example mosque is a prime piece of real estate,
of a Jewish settlement in Northern Is- to say the least. Called The Dome of
rael. The Rock in English, the mosque
houses the
rock where
Abraham al-
most sacri-
ficed his
son. It’s also
the rock
w h e r e
Muhammad
Enough occupation
ascended
into heaven. hashish. It could have been that terror- Mandatory military conscription
I can’t prove ists in Lebanon grew the drugs that we presents a challenge to these anar-
that either of bought. At least that was one man’s chists. In Israel, three years of military
those events theory, a kibbutznik in northern Israel. service is mandatory from age 18 (two
happened. We downed Vodka Red Bulls and years for women). When I move to Is-
After watched Transformers. Hebrew is the rael, I will more than likely not be re-
a while I got language of the Torah, and some would quired to serve in the Israeli Defense
Enough occupation sick of pray- consider using it to translate Michael Forces For numerous reasons, I would-
Throughout the tour, he made ing and my friend and I decided to Bay movies blasphemous. The Hebrew n’t qualify. Although it’s always been
countless references to his country wander around the Old City. Shops in word for air conditioning is mazgan, my dream to be a Mossad agent.
being the “secular Jewish state.” He The Armenian Quarter were open – Ar- but I don’t think central air is men- When I move to Israel, one thing
doesn’t think that Jerusalem, by eleva- menian Christians celebrate the Sab- tioned in the Torah anywhere. that I will not have to worry about is
tion, is the highest city in the world. bath on Sunday. A bargaining And for some reason I am inclined gaining citizenship. The State of Israel
But he does believe that the city is the shopkeeper convinced me to spend to live in Israel. Hopefully, if I learn grants automatic citizenship to Jews
capital of Israel. The disputed status of fifty shekels on jewelry for a girlfriend enough Hebrew, I can write for upon arrival. It doesn’t matter if you
Jerusalem was conveniently left out of that I don’t have. All the while, for Haaretz. I don’t agree with the edito- don’t speak any Hebrew or haven’t se-
my lessons in Hebrew school. In fact, safety purposes, I claimed to be Cana- rial policy of The Jerusalem Post, the cured yourself a job, The Law of Re-
almost all foreign embassies are lo- dian. English language Zionist newspaper. turn guarantees that you’re an Israeli.
cated in Tel Aviv, the not-so-holy cul- I was told to stay away from a lot When in Israel, be sure to visit Mike’s That means I’ll see you at Mike’s
tural capital of Israel. On Saturday in of places during my second trip, a six- Place, with two convenient locations in Place.
Tel Aviv, the beaches are literally satu- week program run by Hadassah. I’m Jerusalem and Tel Aviv.
rated with sure you can The gimmick of Mike’s Place is Jonathan Singer feels like he’s
people. guess what that it’s an American bar. I went there missing something in this column. He’s
Then I those places on the fourth of July and ate barbeque. ----sure you can guess what.
spent a Sat- are. Dis- Mike’s Place in Tel Aviv is located
urday in claimer: I can’t next door to the American Embassy,
Jerusalem. say anything which I thought was a prime target for
The streets about West terrorist activity. Then I learned that The Booger Show is a weekly
were com- Bank check- Mike’s Place was the spot of a suicide syndicated column. Singer’s
pletely points because bombing in 2003. first entry was about the Jew-
e m p t y. I’ve never Everywhere you go in Israel there ish porn industry. First pub-
What was a been through are people at the door to check your lished in 1976, it set the
bustling one. But we bag. The only time my bag wasn’t standard for what The
market the were inclined checked was when I went to a punk Booger Show would be for-
day before to enter the show. Regardless of what they teach
ever.
was now va- Enough occupation Muslim Quar- you in Hebrew school, an anarchist
12 Features Vol. XXIX, Issue 7 | Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Food For Thought
Live life. Live life...like you’re gona die. Because you’re gona. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re gona die.
—William Shatner

Knowing Who You Ever Work With


Kotei’s Korner 3001
mind was set to complete my responsi- the chapters across countries of running of humor that one of advisors had. So
After serving two terms at the ex- bility. As far as I know, when the advi- a successful year, so they didn’t have humoring has been one of my methods
ecutive board office of Golden Key sors reminded the officers that we must any reason to doubt the newly elected to attract members and keep member
chapter, that was enough. First term, I write up reports with regard to chapter officers to run successful chapter either. relations. It seems like a success be-
was not officially elected, but served as activities and performance, two officers They had told me about one commit- cause the member involvement in-
volunteer. In the second term, I did responded. We finished the perform- ment as president, and that my work creased. But sometimes the advisors
everything and more than I did in the ance reports before we had to commit style as an officer is not suitable. Sure, will mistake my showing enthusiasm
previous term. Eventually, the tension to other duty later that day. Later that I understood and accepted their words. for suggesting immaturity. I know
and the mistrust towards the office grew week, I finished activity reports. Where But now, I started thinking it was also where to draw a line. I’m not an imbe-
disproportionately. The core values of did the heart of collaboration go? It is one of the series of their clever excuses cile. I am just committed. If they have
the Honor Society are Integrity, Col- hard enough for me to maintain chapter that they shelved for me. Perhaps I ex- problem with it, tough.
laboration, Innovation, Respect, Diver- relations outside of campus and mem- panded contribution to campus rela- One time, I expressed verbally that I
sity, Excellence, and Engagement. I ber relations on campus. We lost much tions, member relations, chapter wanted to propose a new addition to the
take words literary and decision figura- collaboration within the chapter. I have relations, and all the other goodies. Per- chapter’s regular practices. The advi-
tively. Near the end of my term, the ad- ignored the advisors’ order a few times haps I was not purely committed to my sors suggested that I write up a pro-
visors’ vision and my own appeared to to check with them before sending mass duty as Vice President of Activities; I posal. So I came up with very organized
conflict. I was more exhausted in bat- messages, when I saw the timing was was often taking care of a President templates, forms, summaries, analysis,
tling to comply with the conventional too crucial. After all, it was either we do duty, a Vice President of Membership and whole nine yards, only to be
ideology than running the chapter any- or we don’t. The chapter seemed inac- duty, a Secretary duty, a Historian duty, slapped down by the words, “This is too
how. In each value, there was amend- tive for such a long time. I needed to a Treasurer duty, and a Community professional and people will get intim-
able: step up and do something about it. Service Director duty. But at the end, I idated.“ Sure, it was professional be-
Integrity Innovation was the one completing the majority of cause they requested it. They didn’t like
For worrying about the prestige, it This is what I’m talking about. Innova- chapter reports that everybody else for- it. Then they should have said so. After
seems common behavior to neglect in- tion. Keeping conservative values is got about. While President and Vice all, I take words at literal values. If they
tegrity. I can, in fact, generalize this to good, if the ideology is proven to work. President of Membership helped me, have problem with it, tough.
another question: why are people afraid But to really flourish, one must take the rest did not even respond to my Engagement
of honesty? Our chapter did not have a risks. When the old traditions eventu- messages and calls. Neither did advi- Last but not least, member mobilization
general body meeting for two months; ally get old, innovative ideas and meth- sors, but it was because they were out is my key objectives as a chapter offi-
we had to postpone one several times. It ods should succeed the soul. I am a of their offices. When it comes to re- cer. I value the force that members can
was ironically administrative mistake; strategist. I look things objectively and spect, I wanted lasting cooperation until bring. I am not yet even talking about
it was not ours. Finally, we were as- subjectively, and evaluate with much the end. I might be busy with classes well over a thousand members we cur-
signed a room for our meeting, and I consideration. Sure, often the ideas and choose getting ready for classes rently have on campus. I probably see
announced it to the members. I for- seem too vague to execute. Sure, often over attending the meetings. But I still our members other than the source of
warded the message beforehand to the the proposals were rejected. But I sug- fulfilled my duty until the end. chapter funds. My principle in Behav-
advisors for checking the content. They gest anyway, for the sake of improving Diversity ioral Economics is consumer behaviors.
required us to do this after one of the and blowing fresh wind of liberalism As a Vice President of Activities, I tried Just like that, my principle in Golden
officers unprofessionally verbally as- into old fashion. Not everybody appre- to come up with activities that we never Key chapter at Stony Brook is also
saulted the member and almost ruined ciates the liberalism to the full extent; did. From previous term, I knew people member mobilizations. If we effec-
our reputation single handedly. After that’s the way to maintain the equilib- around the States and beyond. At vari- tively incorporate members on our side,
the shocking incident, the advisors lost rium. But when one raises excuses ous leadership training conferences, I we can potentially achieve something
all the faith and forcibly ordered us to based on the conventional view, it is un- was one of a few who stayed up late for the little executive board cannot. From
forward any messages to the general fair because new ideas cannot be discussing collaborations and ideas for my past I know that majority of mem-
members in advance. When I sent my proven for success before the launch. event. We brought all those ideas back bers are interested in chapter involve-
message for their checking, they delib- Some methods that I derived from be- to the chapter. I mentioned the long list ment beyond being members. We
erately erased the sentences that ex- haviorism worked. It has at least proven of possible activities and such, but ab- announced our open door policy for
cused ourselves for having a meeting so some positive correlation that we solutely nobody was interested. They their suggestions and offer to help. Few
late in the semester. I just wanted to ex- achieved one of the highest member- wanted to stick with few big events that came forward. But the chapter did not
plain that our chapter was not inactive. ship (not to mention the number of in- already have the school’s support. All I pursue on any collaboration. So I
I was stunned when I saw the only ed- vitations we sent out) amongst all US sought was their interests. None, zero, changed the policy. I think inviting their
iting they did was that erasing, and the chapters and had the most excellent re- zilch, nil, nada. What am I? Stupid? Or involvements is more encouraging than
rest was left untouched. Where did their sponse rate. Who else can handle mem- did those who party away the whole welcoming them. For example, on be-
integrity go? They taught me its value ber relations with over one thousand weekend at leadership conference and half of our chapter, I would ask a few
and they are the ones disregarding it in members? who were barely awake really con- members for their participation. Those
a fear of exposing unprofessional. Respect tribute to the further success of their members are ones who showed inter-
Collaboration When the election came around, I was chapter? I complied and kept the lists in ests in “more involvements.” It works,
This semester my course load ended up the only continuing officer. The rest of my time capsule. If the diversity stands because I did it for the Induction Cere-
as an excruciating amount. Halfway executive board was graduating seniors. for the core value of the honor society, mony and recognized their presence.
through the semester, I decided that I Prior to the election date, the advisors we should be open-minded about how They came out on the weekend to rep-
could not make it to the executive board had told me not to run for the president we can improve annual activities. resent the Honor Society. It meant a lot
meeting. This got in the rest of execu- position. They were afraid of my cre- Excellence finding them at ceremony. As a strate-
tive board that some decided to dismiss dentials as the “experienced.” They also Like in our Induction Ceremony, we gist, I do those little things all the time
their duty just by attending the meeting. knew my work style, that I tend to maintain the professionalism. I know whether conscious or unconscious,
Don’t get me wrong, I was away from spread wide across many areas. Stony this is important. However, the only whether planned or spontaneous,
the office for quite a duration, but my Brook’s chapter has a reputation around reason I felt right at home was the sense whether purposeful or just for fun. It is
Chorus to the Universe

Language is the music of protein chains


Arranged in the ways a throat is shaping
The rush of wind through rings of flesh and bone,
Melody of memory playing low
Jazz arias bleeding into the next
Lines of rhyme keeping step with time and text;
Lines of rhyme keeping step with time, a beat;
A break, when vocal chords shake and repeat.
j. daniel taylor

Photo by Mike Glukhovsky


News
Welcome to our LitSup house of madness.
We hope you enjoy your stay with us, but
be careful; we can’t always keep track of
our patrons. Read at your own risk.

Want full size copies of the photos or art-


work, or have a question for the authors or
editors E-mail sbpress@gmail.com.

Inside the Emporium


5 Poems
16 Haikus
18 Photos
20 Drawings
23 2-Page ReversablePoster
27 Stories

Editorial Board
Editor-in-Chief
David K. Ginn
Managing Editor
Rebecca Kleinhaut

Contributors
Front cover photo by Mike Glukhovsky
Color poster by Brian Wasser
Ross Barkan Katie Knowlton

Poster drawing by Caitlin


Caitlin Jennifer Park

Back cover by Rebecca Kleinaut


J.C. Tiffany Russo
Marissa Dooling Jonathon Singer
F. Horakstepker Lukas Tierney

Photo by Brian Wasser


Jack Katsman Brian Wasser
Illustration by Joe Donato
Photo by Brian Wasser
6
AM Radio Cigarettes in Bed

This talent (a lack of) The sex was great.


flows from finger You light up, and pass the cigarette to me.
to pen You’re just as addicting, but it feels so good.
to page You’re hard to quit, but sometimes I’m not sure if I want to.
to air and space We smoke in bed, our bodies each wrapped up in a sheet.
Empty thoughts infiltrate a vast And nothing is said.
nothing But words aren’t really needed, because our actions say it
Confusing those that dare to all.
tune in and listen I’d have a fit if I couldn’t have you.
Confusing those (I) that dare to And after a while withdrawal starts to kick in.
think it And as soon as I think that I’ve kicked my bad habit.
You’re back again, and the cravings start all over again.
By Katie Knowlton And just when I thought I could pass, I give in to you, my
bad habit.
You’re like a cigarette, right after sex.
Feels good for the moment.

For Winter
Echoes whisper ‘round a tree
The sun is cold and still
Dawn finally breaks free Golden Nostalgia Monday Train Rides
A sparrow chases a bee A slender chain with dainty links The first light breaks from tunnel’s edge
They dance over the hill
was not just an accessory. Skimming silently we rise above tenements,
Echoes whisper ‘round a tree brick jungles awakening,
The dangling heart close to my own ball fields, rolling grass, ashen lots
My wakened eye has only gray to see my eyes graze all of it
Soundless static on my sill brought soft peace to my aching soul.
slumber’s spectacles fall upon my nose
Dawn finally breaks free
But now the charm, cold to the touch, I throw them off and drink more
Obscurity blurs my cup of tea is frozen like the photographs. of morning’s sun.
Heated for when I was ill
Echoes whisper ‘round a tree Memories of a distant time Light cannot hide the growing cracks
suspended in the velvet box. like rust racing over a silver pot
Knees creak without any glee I turn to chaotic bustle
Snowflakes resting on my sill
By Marissa Dooling a waltz of flatbeds, hardware
Dawn finally breaks free free carwash, cries a sad sign
my fingertips caress the ticket
Winter is a lonely, unyielding sea a saint’s hospital turns its ruddy cheeks away
Frosty tides batter my will
down in the tunnel we go.
Echoes whisper ‘round a tree
Dawn finally breaks free
Where does the light run
By Ross Barkan when it tires of chasing me through
the shadows?
nether travel never suited me
the people want their grass, their rain
sunset cloaks to wrap their sorrow
what else is needed?
I will wear slumber’s spectacles.

By Ross Barkin

Poems
If I Did It
Too Long
7
If you’d like to know how my ex-wife died
if I did it, and youíre not grilling words and digits
Cute, isn’t it, when a boy wraps his shivering girl
over BigBrotherís orange flames, then you’ll need
in a huge jacket? The ends of the sleeves dangle,
to travel lightly. The skins segregating the land of
the coat could to fit two of her.
if I did it and here are ghostly, and brutish lifetimes.
the skins always catch the slow ones. Be speedy.
You held me close,
as we hurried together
Then go underground, to the labyrinths with cave
out of the cold.
graffiti and stalagmites of steel, censured
in septic water. Keep marching, over the sog,
Through the rain, I walk alone now,
and trudge. If you see the billboards of blue skies,
with jacket-sleeves far too long.
turn backóyou are not wanted there.
My hands are submerged in them.
If you survive, leave back into the city lights.
Past my fingertips, the sleeves continue,
Things will appear the same: taxis are street hornets,
statistics rule and gum costs two quarters from
the way my thoughts about you continue
your pocket. But breathe. The world should be different.
past the distance between us,
Go to the white mansion. Go to that night.
past the days, the weeks. Past months, even.
The sky might suggest it’s your L.A. city purple,
but ignore that.
When I wear this jacket—
like all my jackets, too big, because
Where I do it, there should be a shiv, shining
I am small (small-handed, small-boned)—
under the plastic chandeliers and lamp.
your jacket comes back, enveloping me,
It’s the only glowing thing there.
your hands return, enclosing mine.
Notice that I am the walking shadow (if you also brought a ladder,
I cannot help remembering:
you can notice the sleeping children, bounteous in sleep).
with you, I always felt little, and taken care of.
The only noise should be the dog, uncertain what
conspiracies bleed on the hardwood floor
But you’re gone now, and I am simply
with amputated stomachs.
small, without even the consolation
Madness should become heavy, but itíll scurry from the mansion,
of sleeves too long for me
as if it murdered the sun, into the streams of metal cars,
because they were meant for you,
and Iím there, a marathon runner,
but merelysleeves that are too long,
running into the pool of citrus lightsóforgotten.
long like our time apart.
Thatís all that is there.
By Jennifer Park, 27 November 2007
Go home: itís where you live.

If you want to know, here, in our world,


that if I never feared the summer traffic, or had friends
shouting cannons to the sidewalk that he was locked
to my pistolólocked to me; if I never became the highway,
under the heat, and forgot that the police are winged birds
with weaponsódisturbing the street magma and skiesó
if the news helicopter cameras never building-hopped, or promised
the photo negatives of my sweat, the world would be in stringed
ribbons, the darkness tearing the strings of strings of strings,
and the paradox would have consumed itself.

Personally, I donít know who did itówho


slashed my ex-wifeófaithful and streaking in
Mexicoóand her friend (like presents for the mortician,)
but whoever it was left my paws on the desk
and the silverwareóa job that couldn’t be washedóif
I really did it, there are things Iíd have changed (though
their bodies were paper thin; the crime makes sense) the police
would think that a phantom, out of servitude,
packaged the women, and reclaimed its darkness.
Iíd only know darkness,
not photography, as I dissipate into my Bronco.

Poems
8
Moth Winters

buffeting against a
mustard-dusted nox,
we limp a triple-legged, Poem

double-headed spirit. if people don’t like my poetry


and say really bad things
we are pushing uphill, contending i will shoot myself. i have
this caustic sandstorm. a shotgun rusting in the back
if there’s a reason to gag, of my ex-dad’s toolshed. i don’t
(sit down.) want my death to be a painless
way to go so i will shoot myself
it’s because we lied. in the foot once, then the torso,
maybe i can say hello to my bone
from that moment onward, if i shoot enough flesh off.
i had never more wanted to
then maybe i can go one step forward
(though if you say nice things now
finger my coal-crusted lips and then wait i might be able to get a
with such ferocity. cooler gun to shoot myself with. i
just need the money from christmas.)
so please nice things only and then
i won’t kill myself by shooting myself
darling, we were never in the foot.

please say only nice things.


born to drink juice from
a lead can. nor could we

when the...
rub ourselves against the
when the water meets
the sky,
sun’s frequencies forever. clouds stretched and yawning
with a lazy look of lovely,
i can almost see infinitely
into the serene calmness
of being human

and i wonder
if i,
(such a strange way to gazed innocently into a moment
of pure forgetting,
am the only one here
looking and wanting
to be held (by it)

be exiled from life.) but no, i am not unique


and i am glad for that
i think

By tiffany russo

Poems
9
Record from Interstellar Space

Long before Space and time,


A single lonely and endless entity produced a record.
It was to be heard by all walks of life in the universe.
At the end of time, when the last of stars would collapse
Reading at the Six Gallery and the fabric of existence itself will tear itself apart,
this record was set to be played.
Someone once told me It would reunite all the beings left in the universe,
(or perhaps it was myself) one last dream, one last kiss, one final moment.
that these lines are nothing short of shallow. That day,
My failed attempt to create When the crimson skies of giants scorched the surface
and to believe of everything habitable.
in something greater than my very being. When research and discovery was at its senior and
But I only copy what I see, immortality seemed near.
regurgitate what is fed to me When million year life-spans drained unpredictability and
by those ever looming towers adventure out of the meaning of life.
controlled by that monster When intelligent beings reached its peak at the
whose talons have an iron grip full height of evolution and every trait was chiseled beyond perfection.
on the smallest, most hidden branches Every race in the universe realizing that it was towards it’s end,
of my mind. planned to cried out at the exact same time,
this was one last time to make a mark that they were once here.
And now The signal was faint, but after they all cried out in unison...
I feel as though a voice dripped from her lips,
the ghosts of Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg scattered slightly by static,
haunt me with perpetual frowns. she plucked a string that spun through the dying stars.
They wish to hang me Her metaphors and soliloquies,
down wrapped it self around everything living.
from a noose attached to a telephone pole The spirits of a trillion old civilizations sprung up from
for my betrayal of beat and Bohemia, burning nebulae to rejoice one last time.
my heroin addiction to that sweet, sweet She sang of everything and nothing,
mass media. her voice unaltered by the unspoken tongues of the many.
All of the races of the universe came out of the underground
Regardless, I will stand and say: and onto their planetary surfaces.
Meteors gleamed a thousand times brighter,
I want to be “America,” magnificent supernovas twirled gracefully in the indigo heavens.
simply transform to rage Everybody asked her. Why were we here?
to rage against Until they all realized, it was only a record.
all that I’ve been told is wrong. A recording at the beginning of time.
But I would always be And nobody, not even the single, lonely entity at the beginning
plain and simple have the answers to.
hypocrisy. one last dream, one last kiss, one final moment.
The end of time approached and the fabric of existence tore it self apart
I want to stand, deliver as predicted and the universe ended.
to my audience (mainly you) And the single lonely and endless entity began to record another song.
all these values I supposedly hold true.
But I would always cower, whisper
and bring weakness
to lines that were already lies.

And lastly,
I want to fix my caffeine induced stutter,
slow down and speak
something,
anything,
I believe.

By Katie Knowlton

Poems
10
“Sex and Religion”

Why does something feel so great;


When you know it’s just wrong.
It always begins with a call,
A hug, a kiss on the cheek.
But we feel the tension between ourselves, seasons
And we just fall back into bad habits.
seasons change
I wish I could confess to someone, maybe this should be my confession. and the sun,
A piece of paper will be my invisible priest. tired and worn,
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. sleeps early and welcomes the moon
I’ve broken someone else’s heart again, so that days become nights
Knowing well how badly my own has hurt. and weeks become a slow crawl
I can’t stand how much I love you, want you. time is a trick
I can’t stand how much I also want to just let you go. and i am always fooled.

I washed my hands until my palms were red, By tiffany russo


And I showered, thinking I can wash the actions of my
Sins away.
Dammit, I can’t believe I went back down that road again.
I sit in the closet for hours,
Where no one can see me, because I am so ashamed.
Because I love the power you have over me.
I’m a masochist.

They say love is a strong word, Intermission During Linear Algebra Homework
I think lust is an even stronger word.
Nobody understands us. The wind rustles through the leaf-canopy.
We are tumultuous, like waves colliding Its susurrus revives me from a reverie
Against a cliff. of coordinate vectors (some darting free,
I try to think if the nights I’ve cried over you, others caged, but all marked with a Gothic B):
Balance out I look up into the slim, spreading branches
The nights of passion I’ve had with you. of the tree at the patio’s center,
the one set apart like the sacred sibyl,
I’m trying to decide, if the nights my pillow was soaked with tears, attended by four maidens (north, south, east, west).
Compares to the nights you made me cry out with ecstasy.
Are we too immersed with each other to think of others? A bright-breasted bird spurts
Will you tell me one day that you love me? Will it be too late? out of the tree’s hub, a flash
I think of all this, as I let you into my bedroom. of rust and flickering feathers.
We are the definition of sin, of sex. When the bird vanishes, I am back
Of what is right and wrong, to the central tree, to the center of the central tree—
We are each other’s forbidden fruits. the point that would be the origin, (0,0,0),
Nights we were separated, we still thought of each other. if this patio were a three-axis coordinate space:
As we hurt the ones lying next to us, without them even knowing. I ache to climb the y-axis into a flourishing of leaves,
Mr. Big and his Carrie. to sit in the tree’s lap, and look up,
The reason why there is a night. to see fragments of the blue heavens
Forgive me, yes I have sinned. through parted leaves.
The sad part is: I wish I were sorry.
By Jennifer Park, 26 Nov. 2007

Poems
11

have you...

have you ever watched a water


drop
fall (fall), so gracefully
with its unliving, scientific animation
its stillness, but moving way
holding a glimpse in the dance of gravity?

and then beyond that the glow


of a red yellow leaf
shimmering with perfectly circular wonders
showing how delicately it can hang
without
dropping to the ground of dull afterthoughts

finally a gust of wind blows


pulling and pushing at your
heart full of autumnal weariness
and you breathe in the cool warmth
of death
and rebirth
(and the circle of your eye upon their colors)

By tiffany russo

Illustration by Rebecca Kleinhaut

Space
Smoke Signals
The final frontier?
I think not. I sit staring
More like a breeding ground for robots and aliens. at the wall.
Robots have no compassion. Endless possibilities float up
Aliens probably don’t exist. with the smoke of a long ago lit
Bunch of jerks. cigarette
In case you’re wondering, there is no metaphor here. that I can’t bring to my lips.
It would be cool if this were about globalization I watch the smoke
xenophobia as it gathers near the ceiling.
or some such bullshit Because of the boundary
but I swear to you it’s not. it never reaches the sky.
It’s about robots, man. The embers are orange, but slowly
You can fuck a machine dying.
but it doesn’t give you the same self-confidence And the wall is still blank.
as fucking a person.
Again, no metaphor. No sarcasm, either. By Katie Knowlton
Robots in space

By David K. Ginn

Poems
12

Best of the Worst a collection of poems by j. daniel taylor

Wings without Feathers

Me and the bees got a special deal:


Donʼt fuck with me and I wonʼt fuck with you.
I donʼt have the same deal with flies, though.
They attack my sandwiches during meals,
They find a way to ruin summer naps, On the Six Oʼ Eight from Penn
They dance on lobes of dog shit, or inside:
Buzz in my ear, avoiding the fly trap. During this time of year,
I wonder about the way it was when After drinking like a sailor,
We didnʼt need any clothes, fly swatters, If the trains run on schedule,
DEET, or mosquito netting. It was just-- You can see the outline of the city
Slight hunger pangs and guiltless sex; back then In front of a red orange backdrop
Before the flood, not knowing what was wrong Below a sobering amethyst sky.
Or right in front of our faces, until As it moves down the track,
Someone fucked it up for the rest of us. Ocean waves of silhouette treetops
Give a sea to the power lines
Troughing and cresting from pole to pole,
A water tower buoy bobs in the distance.
Semester Abroad

When studying etymology,


I get a call from home,

Retina Fatigue
The old man and his only query.

Ear to the phone, my lungs blow I tried listening to a friend who said
'Avoid looking directly at her face,
It's like staring at the sun for too long,
A sigh the sound of falling leaves.

The image burning itself in the back


I watch acorns drop outside my window.
Of your eye sockets just like a shadow
On every girl you end up meeting
Later in life.ʼ But I did, and she does,
They dream of roots of their own, far from the canopy.

Linger that is, on the face of every


I let him know everything is just fine

Girl Iʼve met, a ghost image overlay,


Amidst the barrage of his inquest into my activities.
A smudge on the windshield fogged on the
glass
Where erasing it would ruin the view.
His words echo a vague sense of hope on the line,
Knowing that his youth is now gone

Shades of Gray
And for some reason I am reminded

That the archaic phrase ‘all one’ If I look at you


And you look at me
Through tinted glass
Is the root of the word Alone.

Just so far apart


That our faces
Are the same size
Would it matter
What color
They Became?

Poems
13

Best of the Worst a collection of poems


by j. daniel taylor

Eulogy without a Funeral


On a piece of paper. And it will fade
I tried to write a poem about my mom And fall off the wall. It's ephemeral,
For a day to remember her whole life A word I learned from something else my mom
But there's not a whole lot of time for that Left to me a long while before she passed
Well, there never seems to be anyway Her old college books, worlds in words I cherish.
What I ended up writing down for this Those authors knew how and what to say
Were evening news snip-its on pipes and roads About death and loss and everything us.
Bridges falling into rivers. Symbols But that's all they could do talk about it
Of failing infrastructures as organs Like me, I reminisce about her life.
Shut down in the middle of summer's heat. Or mine rather, and those places she was
She is gone now and I am left to try As time flowed toward her final moments
And make sense of loss, to make sense of grief. One second at a time, as with us all.
Where could I begin other than to find In that river of life, amongst the tears
An analogy of flesh and machine I remember family reunions
Like the rusting fenders of an old car And Horseshoes in the backyard on Glenside
Leaving puddles of oil in the drive A pear tree next to a gas barbeque
The remnants of a working car sitting In a cement driveway. And the people:
In front of the garage at her new house Grandma Pepe, Aunt Phyllis, Aunt Rita
It was her late mother-in-law's Chevy Nova And my mother talking at a picnic
One day it stopped working for whatever Table behind the garage while my sis
Reason, the oil pan cracked or gaskets And Susan and Erika played dirty
Needed replacing, too much maintenance Word scrabble on the back porch patio
After so many years of neglecting In the basement wrestling with my brother
Little things that could have kept it going By metal shelving covered in thirty
A clich lesson about the body Years of board games, lots of fading stickers
As a templebut it was a Nova A mask of ET that will still scare me
I guess it's the same for man and machine. If I'm alone in the dark, by myself
It's an inevitable consequence The way it feels now that I've lost my mom
To living ultimately, we wear out It's not that the world has ended with me
Whether we make sure we maintain ourselves The lone survivor, the family lives on
Or fail to heed the warning signs of wear The days continue one after the next
And tear. The trick is, I guess to not go So what can I say about a mother
Too fast, not burn us out too quick, to sit Whose children kissed her at the neighbor's house?
In the backyard and just watch the trees sway Every time they passed through the dining room
In the soothing mild breeze of late summer And her neighbors were amazed at the sight
With our terminal case of life, we think And she didn't notice until they said
About that absence that we can't avoid How wonderful that must be to have kids
And look to other places to find peace. To do that for her. And she knew from that
The best one out of the good book I found She led a good life, had picked a good man
Was from second Esdras, the fourth chapter: Had raised children as good as anyone
You are at a loss to explain this world And she didn't need words the way I do
It says in the first verse, I find it fits To express something part melancholy
Because there's nothing out there that makes it Bitter sweet, a tragedy. It's a shame.
Ok and easy to deal with the death Again, I'm left only with words to use
Of one who didn't deserve it at all? To explain how it's felt for me to lose.
All I have are memories of my mom Mother, sister, daughter, wife, for me all
And a few photographs, I have them taped Of the names one can call her, I would have
To a wall in my bedroom. Small slices To choose something else. Because I didn't
Of time, light having left an impression Just lose my mother, I lost my best friend.

Poems
14

Best of the Worst a collection of poems


by j. daniel taylor

Fata Morgana Expurgatorius

I didn’t know what to call us until


You labeled it on the pub’s back patio;
You slid your sweetly smelling sleeve through mine.
A car ride to another town, far from what
I had known; in my car my best friend left
A condom; that first night I was nervous
Stamina on a stranger’s bed –
The second night that we slept together:
You finished an entire bottle of gin;
Hour long naked skin frictions, using me
Like an endless supply of batteries;
Floor covered by a cheap Chinese throw rug;
Red kneed woven limbs on your friend’s futon;
Before you passed out, you said you thought you
Were falling in love; I heard what you said, I caught a glimpse of bile on your cheek
Wanted you to say it again, to hear By your lower lip: undigested
You say it to me once, sober; a four Franchise pizza wiped off with a sheet of
Letter word used to maim, you fell asleep Charmin; your parents’ eyes glued to satellite feeds
On top, pinning me in place; Pouring out the Fifty inch Sony;
We were almost always full of liquor I sat on the couch next to the dog –
Or beer; billowing smoke between kisses; We were both hungry for those slices
You hocked a loogie inside the garage Ending up in the toilet, only one
Connected to your friend’s house; she and I Of us was willing to retrieve; the year
Stood taken aback by your logic of Ended and so did we: severed by a
What constituted the difference between Letter you wrote at Christmas; I stayed your
Inside and outside; that night we had sex Friend under the weight of better judgment;
On her little brother’s bed; it became But the lies you told in silence tore holes
Harder and harder to wake up hung-over In the thickest skin I could have put on;
And think you were beautiful: one night you You ended up a Jeffery McDaniel poem:
Called out your ex’s name, hitting me like that Scrawled in the etchings of my mind – There
Thirty-five year old ex-heroin addict; Are girls you want to kiss on the lips,
Who took a swing, knocking off my glasses; And those you do not; Girls you write poems about
A girl you didn’t know said you did And those you do not; Life is loss and endless
A line off the back of the toilet Clichés: unrequited love dancing on
With her at our bar; on my way to work, Pages of burning paper; bitter, like
I drove passed your car parked outside his apartment; Aged wine after its best years, just before
Things that soured my stomach the way food It ends up turning into vinegar;
Never seemed to stay inside of your own. I think about it a lot when I’m alone
With my thoughts: I take a long time to let
Things go; Never one to write an angry
Letter and not send it – I would compile
Letters into lists of related words,
Combining those words into sentences,
Forming sentences into paragraphs,
Making little sense beyond sentiment.
Recounting nights with you as something else,
Spending my hours making us a myth,
A rhythm, a rhyme in my memory,
would do injustice to the misery
every day without you with me has been
or so I would like to say about this
empty space and onslaught of days to come.
The truth I could say is that you fucked up
But having a heart so haggard as yours,
Writing about you paints over flaws in me;
Poems
15

Best of the Worst a collection of poems


by j. daniel taylor

Cellmates and Acquaintances

She asked us to paint our prison walls for others to see Mere Fate
I didn't know what hue to cover them with aside from blue
Is that not the color of alone, the surrounding color of islands? When you look on that watery mirror
The blankness of a cloudless sky capping off the cell? Youʼll see a face that a clockʼs hands have stretched,
Pulled toward that dark pool in which you stare.
I thought of my eyes and the head behind them The flawless face of youth cannot be wrenched
Theyʼre blue like veins taking the blood away from temporal lobes From Timeʼs grip; nor can one tear be taken
Or bruises from fists to the face, called black, but still blue From the puddle they leave in your own palms.
True blue like the song or moon at night if it's not yellow or red. Like the ebb and flow of ceaseless ocean,
Time disassembles with relentless calm.
I thought of escape and the keys and key holes we're equipped For we are droplets under a cliffʼs ledge,
And the youth we spend trying to figure out whose lock they fit into Staving off our inevitable drip,
How there's no color in the dark and everythingʼs grey The darkness below, where we find our dregs,
And static like on television between channels that get no feed. That eventual brine we all must sip.
Worry not over laugh-lines. Sweet sorrow
But mostly i thought of the effort it takes to make the change Would it truly be to part with your smile.
To get up every morning and follow a routine
Why can't I just sleep, I think, as the darkness dissolves from dreams
Into the pink-beige glow of out of focus, paper thick eyelid skin.
Cherry Snow

This Far Inland Cherry blossoms fall


To the ground in a strong breeze,
You made such beautiful things with your hands.
Thatʼs where the soul is, not in the eyes.
An unmelting snow.

I try not to think about castles made of sand,


Victorian Structures
Their walls and moats, towers unable to stand,
Thumb sculpted palaces melting in the rising tide. The clouds were never as comforting
You made such beautiful things with your hands: As the ones Iʼve seen
In the skies over the northeast
Seashell ornaments stolen from hermit crabs The Midwest is too humid
To make necklaces with fishing line. To ever grant eyes the right
I try not to think about castles made of sand, To see upward
Amidst a hazy summer thunderstorm
Your ring finger seaweed wedding band, Without the aid of air-conditioning
Torn away so quickly when I said it was alive. The cirrus swept visage
You made such beautiful things with your hands, Of a pacific rimmed west
Held no more interest
Your fingers paid the price in blues and blacks. Than the passing glance
You thought stars on still water were an awesome Against the sand
sight. Dunes of Monterey
I try not to think about castles made of sand, But the simple breeze
Of mild wind in the sixties
Or the sweet, sticky kisses as we rolled around Where albatrosses swim swiftly
on the grass Is a solace known too sweetly
Along the boardwalk, having eaten ice-cream so To a weary travelers eye
late at night. It is there where I sit and begin to stare
You made such beautiful things with your hands, At the moorings of foundations
I try not to think about castles made of sand. That sink silently and peacefully
Rhythmically making ethereal
Mountain castles
Breathing something to hold

Poems
16

Haikus By David K. Ginn

Where do you go-oh?


My lovely. Where do you go?
I want to know-oh
For you, Kristen Bell,
I write this moderate plea
Garfield, don’t get up Marry me, right now
You know what happens Mondays
You fucked up again Okay, let’s hang out
Get to know me a little
Jonathon Singer We’ll see how it goes
Likes to freestyle ill-ass beats
Kill ‘em, Jon, kill ‘em Maybe you’ll like me
Conan rose again
If not, you can leave right then
Was joined by a friendly face
But you don’t have to
Together they fought
We’ll make it easy
They braved the cold winds
Fake Shemp. Wait, wait, what? Marry me, it’ll be great
Fought a beastly snake monster
Sam Raimi, what does that mean Don’t think about it
And then met their match
Explain it to me
Yeah, that seems creepy
From a misty cave
If I ever do meet you
Came Thor, bright as a disco
I’ll apologize
Ready to attack
Don’t take any shit
“Oh no!” Conan screamed
Where are the robots? Remind me if I forget
“We’re doomed!” echoed Friendly Face
This has gone on for too long Creepiness ain’t cool
“That’s right” shouted Thor
We need some robots
So there, that’s my plea
But Conan was brave
Probably no chance in hell
And stopped time as we know it
But a boy can hope
To cut up his friend

Friendly Face filleted,


Conan climbed inside his skin The mark of a man
And sealed him back up Is the fury of his gland
Remember that well
He recommenced time
Thor was utterly confused
Where had Conan gone?

Conan struck him hard


Wearing his companion’s skin Yes, it’s two o’clock
Thor fell, sliced in half Thank you, robotic bitch voice
I now know the time
Conan stood, silent
Then ate his way through the skin
Just another day

Haikus
17

Haikus By Poemy McRealpersonton

The fateful hour struck Maybe real haikus


Gaping hole in the lit sup Have something that I’m missing
Haikus are a must It’s so fucking cold Or maybe they don’t
Thoughts shiver inside my head
And they die in there
At autumn’s first blush Alex Rodriguez
Waited for Pumpkin Spice Ale Is a fucking slumlord, too?
But I had too much I’m not that surprised
Why would they cancel
Arrested Development?
Ask Ray Romano Nancy Pelosi
What, are they stupid?
Why does he always appear Sanctioned the waterboarding
To be so damn tired Bunch of wind-up clowns
Dennis Kucinich
That’s a gross abuse Bring me magical presents
You Christmas Elf, you Without Rebecca
The fire code is for safety Who will managing edit?
Not assholery Oh no! We are sunk!
Sometimes when I see
Brian Wasser’s photographs
Homie Spumoni My eyeballs will sing If you own TV
Born Black, Raised Italian Get your head out of your ass
Totally confused! And pay the writers
Jessica Alba
You were best in Idle Hands Snow falls in Boston
Where is Jon Singer? They give you bad roles The New England Patriots
He said he was coming down Win it all, again
That man raps the most
Hilary Clinton Oh, and the Red Sox?
Ordering O’Doul’s You make me want to throw up Don’t even get me started.
You should expect ridicule Inside my own mouth Why bother playing?
Seriously. Come on.
Don’t try and pretend
You didn’t support the war. Focus - “Hocus Pocus”
Anyone tell James Maybe in your mouth? The hardest rocking ever
We put his face on top of Dial up the youtube
Genitalia?
In the summertime The Assistant Chief
I like pies and fireflies Has a fondness for numbers
The proper term is In the summertime Of dubious source
Rapid ejaculator
Thank you very much
Hey, what happened to
I want to go to Four million Congolese?
So much ad money Honolulu, Hawaii Yay, cheap Playstations!
Why do you need student funds And never come back
At all, then, hot shots?
Because it’s so cold There is no bottom
Tell me once more who I don’t know if I was clear There is only dangling here
Is the drink of the death squads? With my feelings there On this bitter string
Oh, that’s right. It’s Coke.

Haikus
18

Photos
19

Photos by
Mike
Glukhovsky

Photos
20

By Andrew Fraley
21
22

By David K. Ginn

Drawings
Photo by Brian Wasser
28

Somewhere in North America tinued to her joyous destination. She swam in ravished thoughts of
countless toys at her disposal without other ravenous and filthy chil-
The artificial clouds. Thick and heavy. They wound out above the dren. The innocence of this city, our minds and constructionists of to-
ruins of an autumnal city. Blanketing a crimson lit sky. The first crack morrow, were mostly buried beneath the rubble and ruins of the
of the dawn splintered through the thick blanket. Early gales shep- supergiants in the city as the bombs fell. Although a few buildings sur-
herded them across the opening symphony of radiance, as if nature al- vived the blast, no one dared to challenge their structural integrity and
lied amongst itself to shed itself of this toxic menace. An infinite step bravely inside. It was hard enough that many lives were lost. It
labyrinth of an industrial network of rusty pipes and ancient factories was precious now, and there was simply no time to dare another life.
hummed nonchalantly in the distance, which never ceased to bellow Those who were spared by the columns of the tumbling giants,
out its thick columns of carbon and chemical waste. weakened by the careless atomic blasts orchestrated by some inhu-
The smell of burning rubber, piercing and overwhelming. The last mane finger above, were forced to live under the rubble of their once
of the night bonfires died out amongst the corroded remains of count- thriving and lively city. Unnatural selection prompts often. Even after
less car shells and tires. Old flames, now miniature and feeble, burned their first test, those who survived will have to deal with the dirt from
in the long and lonely night before to warm the ruminants of the citi- the atomic blasts, fallout. What was left of that life was salvaged from
zens of this once modern and thriving city. the ground, as the remaining governments doing what they could to
The humble and ruined skeletons of man-made structures framed rebuild society. To start from the stone age all over again, to start hu-
what remained of the giant commercial buildings, shopping malls, and mankind anew.
restaurants that nested eternally in the ruins. Mounds of rubble piled Some said that it was inevitable that we be cleansed of our never-
freely, the pride of the metropolis, now heaped in hills of broken ce- ending wars and our destruction of the ecosystem of the planet. They
ment and twisted steel. could be right, but then yet again, they could be wrong. Where the hu-
mans settled, they carried conflict with them. Perhaps the blast should
The forgotten city. have spared no one.
The little girl had skipped to the edge of the graveyard. They would
A vibrantly red and youthful figure was silhouetted between the call this the graveyard because this old industrial residence zone pro-
ruins as it hopped innocently and carefree amongst the shattered pave- vided housing and free dental insurance to those workers in the factory.
ment. Already use to the stabbing smell of burning rubber, the little It was entirely rubble and silent chaos now. The screams of thousands
nose couldn’t notice the toxic scents around her. of souls that perished in mere milliseconds in the atomic blast were in-
The little tap-dancing shoes clicked nosily as the little girl skipped audible now. The flat rubble of the low, two level apartment buildings
along the ruined path. Her bright yellow hair flowed cheerfully as she produced a field of hills and hills of cement. The factories in the dis-
hopped. Her red coat burned brightly with scarlet warmth, a contra- tance on the top of the hills were still operated by the new dictatorship,
diction to the drab ruins. The little girl in red smiled brilliantly as she producing weapons and supplies for a baffling cause. It was the last
whisked along to the huge pile of the abandoned toys she had found a thing anybody needed, was to create objects that would take more life
day earlier. when it was so precious.
The day was unusually calm and quiet, as the common clashes and The colorful and ravishing pile of plastic and broken toys seemed
skirmishes between the local government military patrols and resist- to glitter in the girl’s bright green eyes. A tall hill that dotted above,
ance came to a mysterious halt on this morning. The buzzing drones of with the maze of pipes and chimneys of a factory spewing its dark
distant patrol bots somewhere behind the rubble filled the girl’s ears be- smoke. As the sun matured, the landscape and the little girl’s filthy
fore the familiar dwelling of the morning winds nestled gently across face was washed with an alluring glow of light. With the painter,
the city. The little girl’s smile never faded as the industrial scents splashing his most vibrant color across a pale canvas.
drafted across the ruined cityscape. The sharp, biting rocks and twisted She ran feverishly with an excitement unparalleled in this world.
shards of metal beneath her feet became more numerous. Almost tripping over jagged rocks and broken glass, the little red
The little girl’s steps followed the old riverbed as she passed under girl sustained her balance and continued to trot for the dazzling bullion.
a pale cement bridge. Overhead, the giant skyscraper of a forgotten She climbed the almost mountainous heap of dirt-encrusted (but still
corporation dwarfed the bridge in a swallowing darkness of shadow. serviceable) toys. The girl bent down at the summit of the pile. A
The hollow windows bathed in a warm bed of light, drowning the ruins Mount Everest of children’s dreams. She would plant a flag bearing
in a sea of warmth. her name on the top, but caught up in the excitement, she bent down
The girl shaded her eyes as she con- ferociously and started to pick through the infinite pile of lost dreams.

Stories
29

She brightly smiled and almost gasped at what she had just found. What of years are you sweetheart?
Countless miniature toy cars retarded and twisted into odd shapes The old man curiously broke the silence and questioned.
when most of the plastic was melted and deformed. Tiny toy soldiers, His voice had a soothing and calming tone of none she has heard.
mutilated and beaten, what resides of once a proud little army, ready
to be deployed to any children’s house, and waiting anxiously behind “I am 4 today Mister”
the plastic of the gift box to fulfill their objectives. Many of the once, She smiled.
most expertly crafted and beautiful dolls in the world, fresh off their as-
sembly desk, ready to be nurtured and cared for in thousand’s of little Fier? Certainly not by looks, I say six.
doll houses all across the homes of America. The old man’s thickly accented “four” made the girl to giggle
The blasts had destroyed more than just humankind, but another again.
minuscule civilization. She tried to salvage much as possible of the de-
formed treasures into her coat’s pockets and envisioned the world she But the little girl couldn’t keep her fascination off the old man’s
could create for them, a universe of utopian society. Another world, mysterious musical instrument that he had now at his side. The elderly
perfect in every single way. man noticed her unrelenting interest at the multi-colored woodwind.
This was once a toy factory, now just another causality of the nu-
clear holocaust. It was owned by the proudest European family whom Thes is one of my flutes from my days when my toy factory was
migrated into American in the early 1900s during the massive waves, up and open in the pre-war days.
they brought their generations of experience in toy making. Creating He held close to his heart.
European toys that wouldn’t be seen before in America. Children once
all over America visualized a dream visit to this wonderful toy factory. I had this flute to keep close by…. But… forbi... because this was
What that remains of the rubble and the pile of broken toys is a once special to me…
idyllic reminder of the factory.
As the little girl in the bright red coat continued to scour through The little girl struck up a curious curl at her lips.
the toys, a melancholy and delightful sound of a windpipe filled her
ears. Curious, she pocketed what she had salvaged in her hand and Thes would always remind me of my toy factory that made many
tried to locate the source of the mystifying tune. She peered around, her children happy…
ears sharp to the sound and eyes sensitive to what she would see. The The old man said softly.
carbonic chemical smoke continues to bellow out in deep columns. It
drowns against a dark atmosphere; never stop flowing as a byproduct The detached emotion in the man’s eyes subsided and he would
of the droning factories above. turn back towards the girl with a warm smile.
What she had found next had astounded her. The old man would gently question.
There was a bearded figure in a long and torn brown coat, playing
the plastic toy flute and rocking on a colorfully painted wooden chair. Ahhh, would you like a balloon?
The man had wrinkles all over his subtle face, with white hair bushing He smiled.
on the edges of his lips. The stunned little girl couldn’t tell of his age,
but this man seemed to be the oldest person she ever had saw in her life. “What’s a balloon?”
With his eyelids closed as he meditated and deeply absorbed into
the notes of his bright plastic flute, he continued to drown out the world It’s a thing little children would love… They would be floated in
with his deep and effervescent tunes. He did not even notice the little the front and many children would run by with wonderful smiles when
child come up and stared bemused at the mysterious musical object I give them away…
that he had in his hand. A creaking over the old wood of the wall-less
shack and the clicking of her dancing shoes lightly startled the old man. The girl sat in ponder.
He slowly opened his eyes to survey the little girl in front of him. The
man’s eyes were deeply blue and sincere. Here, let me show you...

Hello. The old man led the little red girl to an old part of the crumbled fac-
His thick European accent stirred in his words. tory and there she saw many of these tall and rusty cans. She marveled
the height of the mysterious rusty cylinder as it towered two heads
“Hello.” above her. She was mentioned to sit down as the old man searched
The little girl’s shy but curious tone. through a creaking, wooden cabinet.
As he searched through the cabinet, he spoke in a warming and
Such a lovely girl comes to visit me on this fine day… earnest tone.
She blushed and giggled.
I remember the world vividly as it was back then.
There was a comfortable silence.
“World? Here was not the same be-

Stories
30

fore?” Now… wait until you see what I can do…


The little girl had questioned peculiarly. The old man smiled and she handed him back the lifeless pouch.

No, you see, I could remember the days when the world was beau- A humming ever grew more steady, as it seemed creep closer and
tiful and free… closer.
Memories would flow through his head. The old man operated the mysterious controls on the tip of the tank
…people were allowed to do anything they could ever imagine. as the girl stood impatiently for the result. The flat, red pouch suddenly
When things ever got too rough and painful, people would go on long came to life as a hissing sound filled her ears. It expanded as the girl
trips called vacations… One could go to wondrous places, see the won- gasped when it came to its final shape.
derful beaches, sat and listened to old records… music, we were right
to say anything and everything we would ever want. Here we go…
He said as he switched off the
“What is a va-cay- gauge and tied one end of the bal-
shoon?” loon with a long string.
Look… a pink bear… just for
That’s where families you.
and couples go to free them-
selves and escape to beauti- In his deepest and heartfelt
ful places they would always happiness that long ago he had felt
imagine themselves going to. and missed. The moments would
I saw things you wouldn’t come back to him as he started to
believe, bright red rose gar- hand the magical sphere to the
dens, lush and green and girl’s trembling hands.
wonderful palette bed of the The whining mechanical
flowers when my lady clicks and startling buzzing of a
planted and watered them. I hunter-killer sentry robot sud-
saw the most wonderful denly shot through their ears, alert
places… cities, their tall sky- surging through their spines like a
scrapers beaming their daz- red hot poker. As it came closer
zling neon glow at midnight; and closer, a synchronized stomp-
I loved when the many other ing of heavy boots reigned in the
children just like you as they nearby distance. The little red girl
would come to the factory felt her stomach twist.
doors every Sunday for bal- An intense spark of an icy
loons… sensation reverberated throughout
He continued and she her back as her own predictions
would listen attentively. frightened her. She could remem-
It was a world where ber. There were the shadows in
everybody was free, and we all-black uniforms, with those
had the right to say anything. Televisions broadcasted what they heavy mechanical clicking vests they wore and their big black, glow-
wanted to, and newspapers were free to write the latest ongoing events ing and whining sticks as they keep poking her own father to talk until
around the world. And where everybody had the right and even was re- he finally gave in and they took him away. He was never seen again.
quired… to be educated! It was a free world of expression, artists were
allowed to state their minds through their canvas, and writers would What did they do wrong? Why were they coming for us?
create any kind of fiction they wanted to. I would almost imagine see- She snapped her eyes back and forth at the huge military men
ing those children again, and you would be peering into the factory to standing before them.
see what was on the production line.
He had continued to look in the cabinets for a long while, but she She had seen more conflict and violence then any other four year
never became uninterested at what he had to say about “back then”. old would ever experience. It was at the heart of it, now she could be
on the receiving end of the pointy, glowing, and stinging stick.
The old man handed her a flat and droopy red bag as they heard a The old man grasped the little red girl in a strong protective hug his
slight humming in the distance. other hand held on to the pink balloon defiantly. The figures came into
She felt it between her fingers and ran it through her hands. She view with a terrifying resemblance of a mechanical attack dog. Some
giggled at the new soft feeling it gave her fingers, as she had never of the men in their horrible masks like the ones that resembled nuclear
seen anything like this before in life. technicians when they went to scan for radiation. The snarks of their
masks snarled their robotic breaths in a labored and mechanized pace.

Stories
31

Little tears were squeezed out of her eyes as she stood frozen and
crying into the bearded man’s protective arms. The old man, with a surprisingly calm reaction, questioned self-
The ghastly stomping of boots surrounded their protective circle lessly.
as a cloud of stinging dust besieged them. Noisy radio chatter in their
unfathomable language was emitted continuously from their headsets. Very well, but what about the little girl, she has done nothing, she
The mechanical attack dogs barked in their pre-recorded computerized has committed no crime…
growls as the helmeted mechanized soldiers stood taming the rabid,
programmed beasts with a steel-linked leash. They had nowhere to run, “THE CHILD WILL NOT BE HARMED”
and even if they did run off, the dogs would find them anywhere on the
planet within a few hours. They would sic the dogs on runners, and The snarks gave another coordinated breath among themselves and
when the dogs returned, the steel jaws will be filled with blood. They electronically cuffed the old man as they started down the rubble.
stood terrified and puzzled at their unexplained crime they may have The little red girl had wanted to cry, this was the only true friend
committed. she ever had, but was taken away from her in mere minutes. She tried
to, but there was something inside that would resist her to cry in front
“MR. DANGERFIELD, YOU HAVE JUST VIOLATED THE of the eyes of her new enemies.
SECTION CODE 45923 OF THE TOTALITARIAN GOVERNMENT
OF THE NEW UNITED REPUBLIC OF CLEMENTS” Little girl in red, such a beautiful girl you are, I won’t forget you
The heavy robotic and pre-recorded voice didn’t intimidate the old and this day…
man as he bravely questioned. The bearded, sincere old man turned towards the girl and talked in his
soft eternal voice he was being marched to his death.
What crime have I committed exactly?
If I could find a souvenir… just to prove the world was here… And
“MR. DANGERFIELD, YOU HAVE BEEN COMMITTING here is a pink balloon…
CRIMES OF…”
(As another soft pre-recorded feminine voice sounded) His parting words almost drowned amongst the heavy stomping.
“… Violating the misinformation abuse act of conversing about or The old bearded man let go of the pink balloon he had defiantly held
related to the topic of utopian society, presenting the misinformation to in his hands during the entire raid. She climbed to the top of a mound
another “children of the wastes”, spreading of your infectious words to and barely grasped the pink balloon floating upwards towards the dark,
one who is born after the time of August 30, Two-thousand fifty- swallowing industrial clouds.
nine…” The girl stood frozen, as she looked painfully of her best friend
(The feminine voice promptly ceased as the horrible helmeted being carried away above the horizon over the mounds of devastation
mechanization continued) to oblivion.
Because within, she will always remember her friend in her heart, in
“THE PUNISHMENT OF THIS VIOLATION IS TERMINA- her new undying resolve to learn more of the past, to learn of the utopia
TION, YOU WILL NOW FOLLOW US TO YOUR LOCALE OF that once nestled beneath the rubble.
TERMINATION BEFORE YOU VIOLATE ANYMORE LAWS OF On the mound of giant toy robots, little plastic cars, playhouse
THE NEW UNITED REPUBLIC OF CLEMENTS” dolls, toy soldiers, and countless dreams of children everywhere, the
little blonde girl dressed in a red coat held the balloon high above the
Someday, you all will learn that we would never forget the world murky sky and industrial pipes and fallen ruins of skyscrapers.
before, where everybody was free… away from your murderous gov-
ernment… If I could find a souvenir, just to prove the world was here, and
here is a pink balloon…
“MR. DANGERFIELD, WHAT YOU SAY NOW IS MEANING-
LESS AND YOU WILL COME WITH US NOW” I think of you and let it go…

Illustration by Jack Katsman

Stories
32

Neil Hebringer opened his eyes. Days Since Death: 3


The room looked the same as he’d last seen it, although there were Other Contributions to Death:
less people now. He couldn’t hear anybody inside the room or out, Trauma: No
and the steady beeping to his right was starting to give him a headache. Lacerations: No
He felt for it, hoping to shut it off without getting up. It continued to Bites: No
beep. Reactions: No
As he turned his head, he felt an uncomfortable jab in his neck. He Post-mortem Hemoscan:
groped at it and found a tiny black box with a blinking red light. He Vitamins/Minerals: Moderately nourished (at TOD)
pulled it off and the beeping stopped. Foreign Substances: Yes (EXPLAIN)
He lifted the bottom of his shirt and examined the wound. It was Subject Report:
four centimeters long, curved, and was neatly stitched together. The Age: 29
stitches were ready to come out. Physical: 130 lbs. (at TOD)
He swung his feet over the bed and tried to stand before stumbling DNA Analysis/DNAtabase Cross-Check? (YES)
backward. He looked out the door and saw no one.
“Hello? Anyone there?” Neil touched the word EXPLAIN. Another page appeared:
He waited for a minute with no response.
“Captain? Haile? Doctor? Anyone?” Foreign Substances:
He walked into the docking area and looked around. The ATVs, Substance: Drug
loading equipment and shipments were all there, and the ominous hum Type: Psychoactive
and rattle of the ship’s engine reassured him that it was still traveling. Group: Benzodiazepine
“Doc, these stitches are ready to come out. How many days has it Class: Nitrazepam
been?” Primary Use: Sedative
There was no answer. Possible Relation to COD: Not likely (3.9%)
He walked through the first corridor and into the kitchen. He’d (BACK) (EXIT)
never felt so hungry after sleep before. He searched the cabinets, found
a jar of hazelnut fudge and started eating it with his finger. He sighed Neil touched EXIT, looked at Haile’s body again as it slid out of the
and sat down at the mess table. bubble, and left the room.
Across the table, a short-haired woman was sitting with her face She’s died from a lack of oxygen, which meant it was either inten-
down. tional (not likely, considering the absence of bruises), or the supply
Neil jumped back in his chair and froze before waving his hand in had been cut off. What frightened Neil was the foreign sub-
front of her. “Hey, is that you, Haile? What are you doing? Where’s stance. Nitrazepam was a common sedative used on insomnia patients
everyone else?” and people suffering from recurring nightmares. The computer had
He stood up tilted her head back. Her eyes were closed. He felt for said there was only a 3.9% chance the nitrazepam had something to
her pulse. Nothing. He sat back down. do with her death, which meant she may have intended, successfully
or not, to die in her sleep.
Neil knew that wasn’t what had happened, though. If a person
Neil laid her body on a metal tray, flipped a series of switches could predict their own suffocation, he or she would take a sleeping pill
above the plexi-glass bubble and sat next to a small computer monitor. for the main purpose of conserving oxygen.
A menu appeared on the screen, and he used the touchpad to navigate. He opened the door to the computer room and turned the monitors
The cadaver entered the bubble, and a light inside panned from one on.
end to the other. “Give me a lifescan, ultra-sensitive, all levels.”
A new page appeared on the computer screen, with a see-through One of the monitors displayed a map of the ship, systematically
representation of the body rotating in the top-right corner. A text box highlighting rooms red and producing a rapid display of numbers. The
appeared next to it, reading: display zoomed out to show the entire ship, then zoomed back in to
the computer room.
NECROSCAN REPORT “Lifescan report: one life form on board. Species: human. Loca-
Cause of Death: Asphyxiation tion: main computer room. No other life forms on board.”

Stories
33

“Keep scanning.” Neil replied. “Give me a carbonscan, deceased “Okay, I get the point. What are the chances of performing a suc-
life forms, all levels.” cessful landing on a civilized planet or station before we run out of
Another monitor performed a similar function as the first, this time fuel?”
highlighting the rooms blue as it scanned them. “Probability of scenario: eighteen percent.”
“Carbonscan report: seven deceased life forms on board. Species: “What if I knew how to pilot?”
six human, one non-human. Non-human species: trimeresurus “Probability of updated scenario: forty-one percent.”
flavoviridis, commonly habu snake. Locations: two deceased humans Neil sank in the chair. There was no way out of the situation. In
in second level lounge; one deceased human in medical autopsy room; two weeks, the ship would stop moving. Soon after that, the oxygen
two deceased humans in- there are no more deceased life forms.” would run out, and he’d finally die the way he was supposed to have
Neil banged on a monitor. “Computer, tell me the location of the died to begin with.
remaining deceased life forms.” He got up and walked around, trying hard to think of something
After a long pause, the computer replied, “There are no more de- that would change the odds. The ship’s computer was a nearly perfect
ceased life forms.” model, so the navigational and tracking systems were about us trust-
“Computer-” worthy as they came.
“-main engine room. One deceased human in dorm three. One He flipped a panel in the hallway and pressed a red button. A large
deceased trimeresurus flavoviridis in mess room. There are no more door swung open from the bottom, connecting to a pressure-seal on
deceased life forms.” the room’s ceiling and stopping with a low hiss.
Neil sat at in a swivel chair and stared at the monitors. Everyone There was a man sitting at a desk, his ear against a sheet of paper
was dead. He, was the only survivor. He gazed blankly for a moment, and his eyes closed. In his right hand he held a ballpoint pen. Neil
partially traumatized. It wasn’t just that a group of people he had con- looked at what had been written, all in very neat script:
sidered friends had all mysteriously perished while he’d been in a
coma; it was horrible, but it also brought up the fact that he had no To Mary,
first-hand experience doing anything he needed to survive any longer. I know it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other,
“Computer, give me the main log for the past week, highlighted.” and even though you think I’ve forgotten about you, I haven’t.
“Thursday, 23:01: landing on planet Insintia. Friday, 00:37: med- You’re on my mind every day, wherever I go, whatever I’m
ical emergency – crewman injured, security level raised. Friday, doing. I knew I could never love anyone as much as I loved
01:48: exit planet Insintia. Friday, 14:09: mechanical failure of oxy- you, and so I never tried again. You asked me to stay with you
gen ventilation system. Saturday, 13:07: oxygen level warning. Sat- and start a life, and I was scared. I’d never started a life, and
urday, 21:36: mechanical worm detected in ventilation system. never thought I would have to. I’d intended to drift along until
Sunday, 02:26: carbon-dioxide ventilation repaired. Sunday, 02:36: I died, and it looks like that’s exactly what’s about to happen.
carbon-dioxide stabilization executed. Sunday, 14:08: oxygen level At least, for a few months, I was still. In that short time, I ac-
critical. Sunday, 23:00 to 23:36: three on-board life forms deceased. tually lived like you do every day. Now I think I’m about to be
Monday, 00:37 to 01:49: four on-board life forms deceased. Tuesday, still again. If I’d kept living like you do, I would have died the
11:06: oxygen ventilation system repaired. Tuesday, 19:38: ventila- same way: together. I chose to live alone, and now I’m going
tion environment stabilized. Today, 03:26: Necroscan ship-based to die alone. I thought I was exploring the universe, but for
DNAtabase confirms deceased: Triguian, Haile; rank: crewwoman; some reason I never explored the most amazing thing in it, even
chain: six; position: computer analyst. Cause of death: asphyxiation. when I had the chance. I will always, always love you. I hope
Time of death: Monday, 00:46 to 00:57. End Necroscan shared analy-
sis. There are no more highlighted logs.” The letter ended there.
The entire crew had probably tried sleeping pills, but they hadn’t
lasted. Likely, they’d all been working to fix the problem. If they’d
slept to save their oxygen, they could have only done it in shifts. Neil left and closed the door. The room was a tomb, and what did-
Another few hours and he would have died with them. n’t smell like death forced the reality of it onto him just the same.
“Computer, where are we?” “Lifescan report: one new life form on board. Species: unknown.
“Sector twelve, Outer Reaches.” Location: main loading dock. One other life form on board. Species:
“Are there any nearby civilizations?” hu-”
“No objects or planets within four days travel time. Probability of Neil froze. “Computer, what do you mean by one new life form?”
nearby civilization: zero percent.” “One new life form scanned in main loading dock. Species: un-”
“How long will our fuel last?” “You’ve made a mistake. Why are you even still scanning?”
“Fuel amount is at sixty percent capacity. Estimated time before “Command log: VoiceRecog: Hebringer, Neil. Command: ‘Keep
critical shortage: two weeks.” scanning’. End specific command log.”
“What about older fuels? Is there any way to increase that time?” “Was someone not quite dead before?”
“Necessary amount of classical fuel for one week of travel is ap- “Report: negative.”
proximately fourteen times the mass of the ship. Probability of locat- “You screwed up. Either someone was alive before who you
ing classical fuel: twelve percent. Probability of locating and installing thought was dead, or they’re all dead
classical fuel: six percent. Probability of locating, installing and-” and you’re making this up.”

Stories
34

“Report: negative.”
“Report: positive.” %76
“Report: negative.” Load systems… complete
Neil sighed. “Is it an animal?”
“Bioscan report: life form descendant of animal kingdom. No fur- He walked slowly down the corridor and stopped at a small cat-
ther breakdown available. End bioscan report.” walk above the warehouse. The warehouse was what travelers called
Neil was stiff with fear. In all the years he’d traveled, he’d never large, open space adjacent to the loading docks on most ships. The
once even heard a story of extra-terrestrial life. The very idea fright- loading docks were typically small, about the size of two large trailers
ened him more than being alone and running out of fuel. “Computer, side-by-side. Beyond that was one of three airlocks. The dock was de-
is it a xenomorph?” signed to itself be a secondary airlock, used mainly for trafficking be-
“Report: uncertain. Life form not native of planet Earth. No tween the airlock (leading outside) and the warehouse.
known animal species are known to be native to another planet. Prob- Inside the warehouse were two ground ATVs and one AGV. Steel
ability life form native to Earth: two percent. Probability life form na- boxes were stacked, thrown, lined, stuffed and shoved throughout the
tive to registered planet: five percent. Probability life form native middle of the floor and along the curved walls. Neil climbed down
elsewhere: ninety-six percent.” the metal ladder from the catwalk and made his way to the loading
“Computer, where is elsewhere?” dock entrance, which was designed as a large garage-style door that
“Report: uncertain.” opened from the middle, like a mouth.
“Behaviorscan on life form: possible threat.” He flipped a glass cover next to it and pushed a large red button.
There was a long pause, As the doors began to open, he
then a small hiss of static. aimed the laser rifle and stood
“Behaviorscan report: cul- still, trying hard to stop his arms
tural civilization highly de- from shaking. The doors disap-
tected. Malicious intent also peared into the track slots and
present; projection: uncer- stopped. There were a few boxes
tain. Possibility of physical that had been carelessly tossed
or fatal harm: eighty-six per- about, and a giant hook on a pul-
cent. Probability of physical ley system that hung from the
harm: thirty-two percent. ceiling. It was too dark to be
Cautionary contact may be sure, but it didn’t seem like there
advised. Scan advisory: not was anyone inside.
advised. End behaviorscan He lowered the rifle, and at once
report.” was knocked onto his back with a
“How did it get on the swift tackle. In the same move-
ship? You’ve been scanning ment, the attacker flipped the rifle
this entire time and you just out of his hands and pointed it at
picked it up now?” his forehead.
“Affirmative. Life form has been on board for two minutes and “Who are you?” she asked.
thirteen seconds.” He surveyed her from the feet up. She wore no shoes; her feet were
dirty and slightly blistered. Her dirtied, tattered white dress was torn
so that it ended at the knees. Her long blonde hair fell along her shoul-
Neil walked down the hall until he came to a metal door two feet ders in an almost elegant lack of grace. Her eyes, beautiful, mesmer-
from the ground. He pulled the small, rusted latch; nothing happened. izing and intense, stared down at him impatiently.
He banged it with his elbow and the door swung open. “My name is Neil Herbringer, C-7, research and field preparation.”
Inside was an assortment of guns, ranging from classic, ballistic “Why am I here?”
pistols and rifles to more modern, laser-based weapons. He grabbed a “I was going to ask you the same thing.”
Jericho 941, slid it into his belt and slung an SKS rifle over his shoul- She looked around the warehouse, keeping the gun aimed at him.
der. He looked through the modern weapons, hoping to carry some- “What is this?”
thing less dangerous through the ship. He took a Conja AKML-49, “This is the warehouse. It’s the main storage and loading area for
loaded it with a power cell magazine and shut the door to the armory. the ship.”
“Computer, has there been any change in the loading dock?” “Ship?”
“Negative.” Neil nodded. “Yes, the ship that you’re on.”
“Recommended point of entry?” “Are we underwater?”
“Southwest, Door C-1.” Neil looked at her, taken off-guard. “You really don’t know where
Neil cocked the rifle, which let off a loud, electronic hum in re- you are, do you?”
sponse. The 2-inch digital monitor lit “Should I?”
up and displayed: “You’re at least two weeks travel time away from the nearest civ-

Stories
35

ilization. “I don’t like it any more than you do.”


The girl continued to stare uncomprehendingly. “Then we have to find a way out of here.”
“You’re in space.” “I don’t even know who you are or how you got on the ship. You
want to explain that to me?”
“It would be too complicated for you to understand.”
Neil sat in the computer room’s swivel chair as the girl looked at “I can handle complicated.”
the monitors in amazement.
“Are you going to point the rifle at me forever?”
The girl looked at the gun as if she’d forgotten she was holding it. They walked down the metal corridor, stopping at the archive
She placed it on one of the consoles. “What do these devices do?” room.
“They serve different functions to keep the ship running.” “This is where I do most of the research.” Neil said. “Anything
“Where is the rest of the crew?” that’s been published is accessible through a shared server.”
Neil was silent for a moment, remembering the letter he’d found. The girl went in and sat at the chair, instantly familiarizing herself
“They’re dead.” with the touch screen.
“All of them?” “You’re a fast learner.” Neil said.
“Yes.” “Technology is the least formidable of powers.”
“How?” The girl scanned hundreds of digital book covers, narrowing the
“It’s sort of an odd thing, really.” search results as she went along. After a few minutes, all that appeared
“I can handle odd.” were books, most related to the occult.
“We landed on some no-name planet to do a job-” “How do you know about all these
“What kind of job?” books?”
“You want the truth?” “These books are some of the most
The girl reached for the rifle. important that exist. Most are printed
“Okay.” he said. “Illegal transport of stolen property, black mar- throughout dimensions; many originate
ket trading- that’s what we do- did.” there.”
“What was your position?” “Dimensions? As in, alternate di-
“I researched civilization, found jobs, sometimes acted as a sort of mensions? Is that where you think
ambassador when we made deals in person.” you came from?”
“What happened?” “You’ve expanded from Earth.
“Our job went sour. The buyers knocked us over. We fought our Not many people see the need to
way out, took as much as we could, and I got shot in the process.” branch from where their dimension
“Then what?” originated. Technology has caused
“We got back to the ship, they operated on me, and I lapsed into a you to needlessly exile yourselves.”
coma. I woke up this morning and everyone was dead. Asphyxiated. “You’ll have to explain a little
Oxygen systems malfunctioned, apparently.” further.”
“How did that happen?” “Time runs differently where I
“I don’t know. The buyers may have messed with it before we got came from. I was with a compan-
back. If they found a way to hack the system or physically damage ion. He must’ve left a few minutes after
the hardware, I suppose it could have been done. Either that or it was I did. It’ll be hours before he appears.”
just an accident.” “Who is he?”
“How are you alive?” The girl spun around in the chair.
“I used less oxygen than everyone else. They’d all died by the time “We’ve been moving, haven’t we?
the ship isolated the problem and fixed it.” You have to take the ship back to
She looked around the room, mesmerized by the blinking lights where you found me.”
and flashes. “I’m sorry about your crew. I don’t mean to be insensi- “I can’t do that. I don’t know
tive, but what happens now?” how to pilot the ship.”
Nick shrugged. “I’ve been wondering that myself.” “You have to. He’ll die if
“You can’t fly or land the ship, can you?” you don’t.”
“I might be able to. There’s more than that, though. I told you al- Neil began to protest,
ready that we’re two weeks from anywhere. That’s my own guess, not but the girl turned back to
the computers. It could be more. Whichever it is, we’re going to run the computer screen.
out of oxygen, fuel and all sorts of things before then. We are, to put Neil shut the door and
it lightly, completely screwed. Now that you’re here, we’ll both die a walked to the main
little sooner.” control room.
The girl pointed to the guns. “Your ambition for self-preservation “Computer, can you give me the
is remarkable for someone who’s accepted his own death.” exact coordinates from when you no-

Stories
Illustration by David K. Ginn
36

ticed the new life form?” short while. A time portal breaks the fabric of the fourth aspect, exist-
There was silence for a moment, then a whirring sound. “Yes. Co- ing in space but transcending that space’s temporal boundaries. Usu-
ordinates saved in logfile slot number two.” ally, it will open immediately, because it will exist in all moments of
“How long would it take to position ourselves there?” time, although only visible and accessible from the two moments
“Approximately one hour, three minutes.” given. Since my target is on Earth, the portal needs time to align it-
“Can you autopilot?” self.”
“Yes.” Neil nodded and walked back towards the control room. He turned
“Do it, and make a full stop once we’ve reached the coordinates.” for a moment, watched her run her hands over the paper, and then
“Command accepted.” walked calmly to the armory.
He took a tranquilizer rifle from its display and loaded it with three
darts. He closed the door and walked slowly back to the loading dock,
Neil walked back into the archive room and found the girl reading carrying the tranquilizer and laser rifles.
a book on the monitor. The girl stood up as he entered. She seemed confused for a mo-
“What’s the book about?” ment, then sighed. “What are you going to do with that?”
“Time portals.” He tried to stay calm, but he knew he was sweating. “It delivers a
Neil nodded and sat across from her. “Now you’re time travel- high-powered tranquilizer that will keep you unconscious until we land
ing?” somewhere.”
The girl turned to him and relaxed in the seat. “A time portal is the “Why do it now?”
only way to fix it.” “You’ve got space dementia. I don’t know who you are or how
“Fix what?” you ended up on this ship, but the only thing you’re going to do is get
“We were cast into another dimension four years ago, as punish- us both killed. Our oxygen will run out again, and so will our fuel.
ment for trying to fight a group of spirits. In the time we spent there, We’re in an unmanned, malfunctioning vessel in the middle of
we studied as much magic as we could, trying to survive but at the nowhere. My abdomen hurts where I was shot a week ago, and I woke
same time trying to find a way back to finish the fight on Earth. It was up this morning to find everyone else dead. It hasn’t been a bad day,
hard to believe a lot what the books said at first, even after what we’d and you’re not making it any better.”
been through. But I-” She paused. “I had a natural gift for it. I still “Please, you have to understand-”
don’t know why. But the fight- what I was learning, we knew we could A purple light flashed behind her. She fell forward and the light ex-
use it against them, if we could get back.” She pointed to the monitor. panded to a large perimeter around a black hole. She got up and stared.
“The information in this book will help us,” “It worked. It actually worked.”
“Wait, so you’re saying magic is real? Like, actual magic? Witch- Neil lowered the gun. “What the hell did you do?”
craft?” “It’s the portal. It opened.”
“It’s hard to believe, I know, and if not for whatever it is inside of “No, no way. This isn’t real. What did you do?”
me, I wouldn’t believe it either.” “I gave us a way home. Back to water, air, freedom- back where
“Even if what you’re saying is true, it doesn’t matter. It’s all in the we belong.”
past. Whatever happened is ancient history; you can’t change any of Neil dropped the tranquilizer and stared into the black hole.
it.” “You’re talking about Earth?”
“Yes, I know.” The girl nodded, smiling softly.
“Then why do this?” Neil walked closer to the airlock, mesmerized by the portal. “I-
“Because whatever the history is, I’m a part of it. If they’re al- I’ve never been.”
ready destroyed, it’s because I did it. You would know it if they were The girl touched his hand gently. “Now’s your chance.”
still around.” “What about your friend?”
Neil nodded. “So you’re going to demonstrate your abilities by “The portal moves through relative time on both sides. It’ll only
opening this portal?” last another two hours, but if your computer’s coordinates are right,
“If that’s the proof you need.” he’ll transfer here, right next to the hole.”
Neil managed a smile. “This ought to be entertaining.” “This is really going to work?”
“Yes. This is our way home. Are you in?”
Suddenly, it felt as if his head was completely cleared. Maybe she
The girl sat on the floor of the loading dock, holding a stack of pa- was crazy, maybe she really had opened a portal. It didn’t matter.
pers. She moved her hand gently over the text and closed her eyes. Hours ago he was sure he was going to die, and then she appeared.
“Usla un lo pensun a nor” Now he was staring down what could be his saving grace, and all he
“Is that it?” Neil asked. would need to do is walk through it.
“Anon dun sur eil vuer” “I’m in.” he said. “Let’s do this.
The girl sat still. Neil looked at her strangely. “Is that it?” An alarm sounded.
“Yes, that’s it.” “System failure. Oxygen systems malfunction. Unknown cause.
“I don’t see anything.” Running advanced diagnostic.”
“You won’t, at lease not for a “What’s that?” the girl shouted over the alarm.

Stories
37

Neil’s body went cold. “It’s happening again.” would have too.”
The girl grabbed his arm. “We have to hurry!” Neil smiled softly, his body shaking. “I guess I was put on hold,
“Redirecting ventilation systems.” wasn’t I? One last thing before I go.”
The girl looked around as lights flashed on the walls and ceiling. He slid the laser rifle through the opening. “You might need this.
“What does that mean?” I have no use for it anymore.”
“It’s performing a backup procedure. I’m not exactly sure, but I She grabbed the gun, then leaned her face forward to kiss him.
think it’s pulling air from unused rooms and concentrating it in certain “I’m Aimee.” she said.
areas.” “Nice to meet you.”
There was a loud a buzz as the door between them began to shut. She let go of his arm and walked backwards to the portal. “Good
Neil jumped into the middle as hard as he could, but the halves luck.”
were moving too quickly. The girl grabbed a steel box and jammed it “You too.”
between the doors. The box began to crush. He pulled back as the steel box caved, spitting its sides across the
“You can make it.” she yelled. room. The doors shut with a loud crash. Aimee looked at him once
“I can’t override the system while the ship is idle. It’s a security through the window before running through the portal.
feature.” She disappeared instantly, filling the room with a bright flash of
“You’re coming with me, I don’t care what you have to do!” light. He turned away from the window and looked around the ware-
“If I open this door, we lose the portal.” house, oblivious to the computer’s endless figures and status updates.
The girl shook her head and grabbed his arm again. “I can stay He grabbed the tranquilizer rifle and walked towards a stack of boxes.
with you. We’ll open the portal again.” He pried the first one open and found three table lamps. He tried an-
“No. There’s no time for that. This is your chance and you know other and found an unassembled table. He looked through a few more
it.” until he found a set of couch cushions.
“There has to be a way.” He set the cushions on the floor, shot himself once in the foot, and
Neil shook his head. “I think-“ He paused. “I think I wasn’t sup- lay down quietly. He dreamt of a lake. It was the last thing he did.
posed to survive. They all died together, and I lived because of random
luck. Now- I think maybe it’s caught up to me.”
The girl gently felt his arm. “You helped me. If you’d died, I

Stories
Photo by Mike Glukhovsky
38

One morning, in a time long passed into the memories of yester- edness which came to those generations prior. The histories told of
days, I awoke to the calls of children. They were shouting to some forefathers happening upon its stewards, a people less clothed and
brave soul who had trespassed upon my property, stealing water from aware of techniques of propagation, or so the paler group assumed.
the spigot at the back of the house below my bedroom window. The These men of yore found the time for a new tree to come into being was
young boy was accompanied by a friend over the fence, pails en tow. too long to spare a single seed for purposes beyond their own desires.
The splash of water set my mind to wonder why they ventured this far All others were harvested that didn’t die, men of science did dream of
through thickets of brush and over chain linked fences to steal water for their secrets unlocked, splaying unformed buds, attempting to graft
a purpose most unclear. Too young to have to care for decrepitated au- severed limbs to other species which might yield a better crop, but to
tomobiles afforded on a pittance wage whose radiator fins could no this day only one is left, through the woods and over the hill, behind
longer cool an engine suffering over usage and rot, its gaskets and pip- the house in which I live.
ing warped and misshapen, my curiosity was piqued. The child continued to tell of how it sways wearily in the wind,
I climbed from slumber into the early morning wrapping my bed bearing but one seed occasionally, or so they believed from the stories
sheet around my torso and made my way towards the door to the back- given to them before sleep. Since their discovery, the children sit
yard with intent of discouragement to this life of transgressions such around it by day in case the wind shakes one free.
behavior would lead. At my harsh beckoning they desisted in the man- Realizing his posse’s abandonment of him, the storyteller ventured
ner of a doe walking into the path of a car’s headlights after dusk, eyes quickly away with a gait much like a gazelle upon the African savan-
wide with dismay and an already quick pulse increasing with anxiety. nah. As for me, I followed the young boy through the woods in my
One ran quick, leaving his bucket still filling under the spigot. The slippers and sheet, not wanting such a yarn to remain a mystery of
other looked upon me, his pail full, down to the running water, then myth, keeping a close yet discreet distance. I managed the whole way
back to me. He snatched the abandoned receptacle the other had left unseen and waited till hunger took its course in their bellies, sending
and proceeded to trip over his own feet, sending it flying in the direc- them to dinner tables covered in the bounties the daily wages their par-
tion of his departure. ents made, cornucopias of processed dairy product and processed an-
An expletive so foul a child so young should never have passed imal flesh.
from innocence into the knowledge of its meaning left his mouth. His I looked upon the tree, its sad limbs dangled as arms damaged by
defeat too much, adrenaline coursing his veins, he decided to return to pestilence, or a loneliness of heart. It having no progeny, it could not
the faucet still running for something consolatory if not simply to temp be blamed for its tragic visage. It was then when a wind blew a gust like
my wrath. a sigh from a yellow red sky, the sun having crested the edge of the hills
At this, with a mixture of pity and anger, I asked what the purpose in the distance. Then stillness encapsulated that moment. From this
to his brazen return entailed. breath fell a blossom from the height of the top of the tree’s canopy. It
The Wishing Tree, he said to me, it must be saved, we children still danced to and fro as a gowned princess descending a spiral staircase.
have dreams. I stood with my hand outstretched, gently clasping it once gravity had
Of this thing he did speak I was most intrigued. Stories I had heard, taken its toll.
but the location so close seemed unfathomable. I inquired more upon Staring at the flower drenched in sepia tones, I looked about to see
this matter and a tale of pathos he did recant, for to receive from the if I was in possession of true solitude. Finding I was alone, I studied the
Wishing Tree you must eat its seeds, and for so long have so many beauty within my grasp intently. The blossom was indescribable in
have attempted to gather below its limbs to fulfill their personal needs, manners of comparability, such a thing never seen before in my life,
false deities of arbordom had been felled, though just as many saplings nor since in the years hence. Its coloring too varied, shifting with each
have emerged like weeds. change of perspective, a structure and scent haunting the mind for ar-
The tale goes that no more than one tree exists, all the others dying chetypes and finding none. This thing which I held was truly a gift that
off from the Wishing Disease, a blight that keeps the tree from pro- heaven had let fall from its vault. I guarded it carefully all through the
creating when too many trample the ground above its roots. Now, this journey home, where I placed the seed into a safe place and pondered
lone survivor of which these children had discovered, whose days are the dream it might bring to me and the justice served or denied in the
short according to the chipping of bark at its base by all the climbers decision to be made.
searching for the next seed blossom, sits atop a hill on sandy soil, The tales told to me, when my age was that of those children, were
slowly starving from a lack of moisture and trampled roots, just be- of building the foundations to castles in clouds and not to eat strange
yond the thicket behind my abode. seeds with the expectation of great things. And yet now I possessed
The children had grown on the stories of fulfillment and content- the possibility of a promise unbroken, of a hope to be fulfilled. But

Stories
39

what is it to wish and not be selfish? The wants one has for their own avail. Now only the hollowed trunk of its stump stands monument to
lives can outweigh the needs of others when one’s emotions dictate the our lack of foresight. And still I sit, meditating upon the choice I must
tool of logic their mind contains. For recently I have suffered a loss, a make even if the choice is not to choose at all. The debate remains
grief incurable by time or material vice. My brother, my best friend, whether to sew the seed for a dream I shall never see by wishing for a
whose life voice has been quieted from his last breath to this day, return to green, or ingest it knowing that children no longer wait for the
passed away, a euphemism which does not convey the anguish the wind to pass its fingers through any tree’s mane of leaves. I have
heart feels. I could ingest the seed and wish to bring him back so that learned that it cannot be sewn to grow the Wishing Tree anew, as the
we might enjoy each other’s company again, if only for length of my female which the children found lacked the counterpart to offer such a
own existence. But to this he might say, upon regaining an ability to possibility – the plucking of an easy answer to their dreams, their fu-
speak, I have been selfish and wasted a true gift and chance to right a tures forever gone because its seeds could never become trees.
world so full of wrongs. The specter of ruin lingers over us now, as the After so many thoughts upon this matter have been sorted like a
fate of the Wishing Tree is echoed by the Earth in so many ways. sieve, it has come down to a question pertinent to justice and our place-
The tree has died, as I’ve visited its felled remains many times ment in a world so devoid of compassion for things which constantly
since that day when the children led me to it. Its demise came at the give for our own well being. The question being: do the children to
hands of those who would lack possession of its seeds, who had hoped our history truly deserve to have it so easy?
to procure remedies as potent in other structures of the tree, but to no

Stories
Photo by Mike Glukhovsky
40

The roar of the bus engine was strangely comforting. After a few Strike.
pages of reading, James felt his eyes get heavy. He closed the book and “But what?” She was still smiling.
looked around to see where the bus was. “I think it’s a bit overrated, but I don’t think it’s bad. Really, I like
There were still three or four miles to go, which, at the bus’s speed, his shorts better.”
left plenty of room for a short nap. He shifted in his seat a little, then “Me too.”
stopped when he saw the most beautiful person he’d ever laid eyes on. At least a single. Maybe more.
She had shoulder-length dark hair and deep, mesmerizing blue eyes “Which is your favorite?”
that seemed, even from a distance, like gateways to another world. Her She thought about it for a moment, and for the first time he noticed
face was small and round, and for a moment he could almost feel the the red flush in her face, tightened by the smile. “I know it’s what
soft weightless texture of her skin beneath his fingers. everyone says, but my favorite really is Bartleby. Are you going to
He thought about getting up to talk to her, but quickly decided say that’s overrated, too?”
against it. Conspicuously, he stole another glance at her body, recon- He was about to say no, and it would have been the honest truth,
sidered his courage, then decided against it again. It appeared, though, but instead what came out was the story’s iconic phrase, so clever and
that his deliberation had cost him; he had already walked half the dis- apt for the situation he was surprised to hear himself say it: “I would
tance before he realized he wasn’t sitting down anymore. prefer not to.”
He grabbed the nearest pole, briefly considered the embarrassingly She laughed. “I’m Kaylie.”
stupid move of returning to his seat, and found himself once again
walking towards her side of the bus. Standing in front of her, he had
no more than four seconds before the situation would turn awkward. They walked through the third floor hallway of the Physics Build-
He moved a dirty newspaper from the seat next to her and sat down. ing, trying hard to ignore the damp smells from the walls and ceiling.
It was, despite his best efforts, still awkward for at least a minute. “When are they going to fix this place up?” Kaylie asked.
The time was well-spent running through a vast mental library of in- “Sometime after never, or so I’ve heard.”
teresting things to say, finally yielding the profound gem of them all: “Which one of these rooms do you work in?”
“Hi.” He pointed to the last door on the left, set back in the most decrepit
She looked at him quickly, only slightly startled. Clearly, it was- looking stretch of the hallway.
n’t a clever secret that his reseating had been a planned catalyst for “It doesn’t look like much.” she said.
random conversation. “Hi.” she responded. “It isn’t.”
“Heading to the university?” He turned his key in the lock and pushed the door open slowly,
“Yes.” she said. “You?” making sure the room was empty. “I can show you some of what the
He couldn’t tell if she was smiling, mostly because her face was people here have been working on, but we have to do it before some-
cast downward, but also because he was focused on seeing her eyes one comes back. Stupid rules about visitors, and such.”
again. “Yeah, I’m a student there. I work with the physics department. She followed him in, looking around the room with the expression
What about you?” of someone who has just entered a brand new exhibit at a museum.
She lifted her face, a necessary move to run her hair behind her All around were scattered metal poles and coated wires, but set inside
ear, and yes- she was smiling. A mental scoreboard in James’s mind pens made of double rows of frayed rope were machines so home-built
clicked on, and, as of the first inning, he was doing exceptionally well. and naked that they were, among other things, simply beautiful.
“I’m an English major.” she said. “I have classes later in the day, “What are these?” she asked.
but I like getting to campus early so I can catch up on the readings.” “Unfinished experiments, I think. I should know more about them,
“What are you reading now?” but I don’t spend a lot of time in this section. I know some of them re-
“Melville.” ally well, though.”
“Ah, the shorts or the novels?” “Like which ones?”
Her smile brightened. “A little of both.” James pointed to a large, cylindrical machine with seven LCD dis-
He smiled back. “What’s your favorite? Tell me it’s not Moby plays attached to its base. “That was an attempt to manipulate elec-
Dick.” trostatic energy in a projected point in space. The idea was: let’s tell
“Hey, I like Moby Dick, despite what people say about it.” the computer to aim it at a storm, then see if we can produce more or
Strike. less lightning from a safe distance away.”
“Well, yeah, but-” “Did it work?”

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41

“Not that I know of.” The alarm was buzzing loudly. James tried to ignore it, but it
“What else do you know about?” seemed to get louder every minute he did so. He reached aimlessly
He gestured to a large metal ring on the ground in one of the pens. for the controls and, after many failed attempts, made the buzzing stop.
Intertwining wires ran from the ring into a set of old-looking comput- He closed his eyes and tried to remember the dream he had been hav-
ers, each covered with a thin layer of dust. ing.
“I don’t know this one too well, but I know it has something to do “It didn’t do that yesterday.” said Kaylie, sleepily moving closer to
with bending light. The tests were either a huge success or a huge fail- him.
ure, depending on how you look at it.” “Do what?” he said, without opening his eyes.
“What do you mean?” “Get louder.”
“Well, they didn’t do much, except make the light disappear. They So it hadn’t been in his head. “Yeah, I must have set it like that last
set the parameters, turned it on, which creates a funky-looking electric night. I didn’t know what I was doing.”
wiggle thing in the air, and aimed a lamp at it. The first tests were with She burrowed her head in his chest and giggled. “You seemed like
different kinds of light, but the only one I remember is the visible light. you did.”
It shone into the ring, but the light didn’t appear on the other side. It James smiled. “Yeah, that was… that was pretty amazing.”
just vanished.” Kaylie pulled the sheets off and stood next to the bed, hugging her-
Kaylie smiled, and he had to fight every urge in his body that told self to keep warm. James turned and looked at her, watching intently
him to grab her by the waist and pull her lips up against his. Instead, as she let one breast slip from her arm’s cover so she could grab her
he replayed the thought over in his head. Even in his imagination, it shirt. She turned to him as she pulled it over, giving him full view of
felt real, every detail of her face as it moved closer to his, the soft, her naked chest for a few seconds before the white linen flapped over
moist pressure of her lips as they slide slightly downward after the first and came to rest.
connection- “Enjoying the show?” she asked.
“I’m sorry.” she said. “Do you have to ask?”
He opened his eyes and realized she was closer to him than he’d She finished getting dressed and threw his jeans at him. “Come
thought. “For what?” on, we have to go if we’re gonna make the bus.”
“I’ve never done that before. Well, I mean, I’ve you know, done As much as he wanted to lay in bed and not move, this was the day
that before, just not- not after I’ve just met the person.” they planned to figure out what the machine really does. It had been
He thought about replaying the moment again, searching for signs two weeks since they’d met, and James couldn’t remember a time in
that it had, in fact, really happened, when he realized how stupid he was his life when he had felt happier to be alive.
being. “You can do it again.” he said. The previous night had started with pizza delivery and a much-an-
And so she kissed him. For real. ticipated cinematic exchange. She had them watch Science of Sleep.
There was a moment afterward, not particularly awkward but not He chose Crocodile 2: Death Swamp. The results of this exchange
entirely comfortable. It was an odd, gray area between self-awareness were beyond exceptional. There were two ways his movie could’ve
and tunnel-vision that seemed to paradoxically compromise both ex- bombed: one, if she considered herself above awful movies; or two, if
tremes while exploiting them to their fullest. she didn’t get the irony and was genuinely frightened. Luckily for both
“So,” she said, after almost a minute of silence, “the machine.” of them, a shared appreciation of unintentional humor prevailed. Sci-
ence of Sleep was also fantastic. They made out a lot during it. Art
movies have that effect on some people.
James held the lamp above his head. A few inches from him, a After their DVD double feature, they made love in a few different
noodle-shaped blue light hovered above the metal ring, wiggling in places around his basement apartment, ending in the bedroom with
and out of different frequencies. He turned the lamp on. fewer sheets than they needed to keep warm overnight.
An energy field formed above the ring, absorbing the light. He put his clothes on and re-checked the time. They’d make it to
Kaylie walked around the ring, reaching her hand out to the field the bus if they ran.
but jerking it back occasionally. “How does that happen?”
“I have no idea.”
“What would happen if we put something else in?” James turned the lights off as they stepped into the storage room.
“I’ve never tried it before. Then again, I don’t usually do this.” They had been studying the machine somewhat infrequently since the
Kaylie grabbed a loose stone from the floor and tossed it lightly first day, and since then all they’d been able to do was make the energy
into the field. It disappeared immediately. field widen slightly.
James turned the lamp off. “What do your parents think of what you do with your time?”
Kaylie stared at the machine, then turned to James. “That was James asked.
weird.” Kaylie smiled. “You mean would they approve of you? I think
they would, yes. And they’re my adopted parents, by the way. Don’t
know if I told you that already.”
***** “You did, and now I’m thinking you don’t like them too much.”
“No, it’s not like that. It’s just-
well, it bothers you as a kid not know-

Stories
42

ing who your real parents are. It kind of gets stuck in your mind.” briated carelessness. She pulled his clothes off, fumbling awkwardly
“So you never found out?” for his belt before she managed it.
“No. It’s alright, though. I’ve got a great family, and that’s what They were both naked, buzzed and quite unaware of anything
counts, really.” around them. They rolled onto the remote, and the television blinked
He turned the machine on as Kaylie opened a pack of Magic cards back on, the old couple still working on their show-stopper. James and
and set them on and around the metal ring on the floor. She backed her- Kaylie didn’t notice. Something briefly occurred to him, but by the
self against the door and readied the lamp. James turned the last time he realized it he was already inside of her, pushing slowly in as
switch, causing the blue worm-like lines to form vertically. Kaylie she dug her hands in his back.
turned the lamp on and watched the cards in the ring disappear in the
energy field. James switched on a second lamp, and the field ex-
panded, eliminating the cards around the ring. They shut everything off They woke on the couch, heads aching slightly. The television was
and stared for a while, unsure how to proceed. still on. James got up first, climbing over her and, not feeling his bal-
“Erm- maybe let’s try again tomorrow?” Kaylie asked. “It’s get- ance, slouching on the floor against the couch.
ting kind of freaky.” She ran her hand through his hair, and he could tell it was shaking
“Yeah, that’s a good idea.” as much as he was. “It’s okay, you know.” she said softly. “The
chances are really slim that anything could happen. I mean, that was
my first time, you know, without a…”
They started that night at McAle’s, the newly-re-founded Irish pub “I feel so stupid for letting things get like that. I should’ve been
around the corner from James’ apartment. In the past four months, the thinking right.”
building had been Pharaoh’s Pyramid, The Crazy Aardvark and The She looked at him severely, eyes penetrating every defense. “I love
Night-Light Beer Pong Extravaganza. James wasn’t sure if the same you.”
owner was constantly trying to redefine the place, or if one idiot after He smiled a little, unsure why he suddenly felt better because of
another really thought they could make it work. that. “I love you too. Let’s grab some pancakes and get to class.”
Journey was playing from the speakers. A lot of people were try- She looked up at the wall clock and frowned. “It’s 12:30. I missed
ing to sing along. James held Kaylie around the waist and navigated my first two.”
through the crowd. “Damn, so did I.”
After a half hour, the noise was too much for both of them. They Her frown faded and she smiled again. “You don’t sound too bro-
managed their way back out and into the cold, which didn’t seem so ken up about it.”
bad, as they were pleasantly buzzed. They got back to the apartment “You wouldn’t be either, if you had my classes.”
a little after midnight. He tried to catch a glimpse of her as she got dressed again, but
They watched the public access channel for a while, finally turn- since they had less than twenty minutes to catch the next bus, he was
ing it off when the hour-long showcase of an old couple eating oat- too busy getting his own clothes on to get a good peek.
meal reached its quarter mark. They sat lazily on the couch, not She went into the bathroom and emerged four minutes later, her
thinking about anything but glad to be next to each other. As they face beaming brightly. “Let’s go, let’s go.”
started to kiss, he felt his hand move along her side before he con-
sciously told himself to do it. She grabbed onto him and they slid into
the couch, laying equally as lazily facing each other. He tried to pull Five o’clock was their meeting time for what they swore would be
her shirt off with one hand, failed, and reconciled by untucking his the last attempt to figure out the machine. He opened the door as he’d
hand from under her and giving it another go. She propped herself on done the day before and set about making the preparations. Kaylie set
one elbow as he pulled the a small jar on the metal ring. Inside, a cricket hopped, tapping the glass
shirt around her neck, as it landed.
catching her as she used James flipped the switches, followed by the lamps, and the cricket
both arms to help him. vanished expectedly. They turned the lamps off and thought about it
They fell hard back to for a minute.
the couch, not so “So it disintegrates anything, living or dead.” Kaylie said.
much in passion, but “That’s so… pointless.”
in a slightly Kaylie nodded in agreement.
ine- “Do you want to try something else? See if there’s a different re-
action?”
Kaylie shrugged and kissed him, nearly missing his lips in the dark.
“Maybe. Let’s get the lights back on, though.”
She walked to the door and flipped the light switch. Something
snapped in his brain. The machine was still on.
“Kaylie, no!”
Light filled the room from the overhead bulbs. James felt a sick-
ening sensation in the pit of his stomach. He fell to his knees and vom-

Stories
Interpolation by David K. Ginn
43

ited on the floor. legs. “Are we gonna sleep here for the night?”
“Isn’t it kind of dirty?”
“I don’t really care. It’s better than going out there.” They had al-
James opened his eyes, unaware he’d passed out. Kaylie was sit- ready both agreed that seeing more than what they already had would
ting next to him, shaking his shoulder. be too much to handle.
“I’m sorry. I-” “What about tomorrow?” he asked.
“It’s okay, I passed out too.” She looked at the newspaper she was holding and let it fall to the
James sat up and looked around the room. Everything looked the cement floor. “We’ll figure it out then.”
same, with the exception of the machine being gone. The other ma-
chines were still in their places. Kaylie helped him to his feet and
dusted him off. They stayed in the boiler room for three days, venturing upstairs
“The floor got really dirty overnight.” she said. “Look at you.” only to steal food or break back into the storage room in hopes of find-
There was a loud knock on the door. ing a way back. When they woke up on the fourth day, their pain from
James and Kaylie froze, both thinking of a way to explain the miss- sleeping on the cement floor was unbearable. Unfortunately, the little
ing machine. There was a jiggling sound of keys, and the door opened. cash they had was worthless, since all the bills had been redesigned in
A short, thin man of about sixty walked in slowly, peering at them 2001.
through narrowed eyes. He was wearing a gray jumpsuit, and his white Three weeks passed. They had found a condemned room in the
hair was slightly disheveled. basement and had begun moving in chairs and old furniture from other
“What are you two doing in here? This room’s off limits.” places in the building. Kaylie has been feeling sick for three days, and
“I’m allowed in here.” James said. “I have a key. I work in the de- they suspected it was something in the room.
partment.”
The old man scoffed. “What department? No one works in here,
excepting myself. Now get out before I call the campus security. Go *****
back to your dorms and do whatever it is you do.”
Not wanting to argue, they pushed past the old man and headed for
the door. He thrust his arm out, nearly knocking them over. Another month had gone, and James had since gotten a job at a
“What’s with these gadgets? Did you bring them in here?” small video store. They moved into an apartment, and after almost
James exchanged a puzzled look with Kaylie. “Um, no.” two months of squatting in a basement, it felt like paradise.
The man scoffed again. “New shipments. I swear, no one tells me James opened the door and looked around, happy once again to be
anything around here. Alright you can go.” home, where he could forget about what year it was. He threw his keys
The made for the door quickly, and just as they stepped into the on the counter and kicked his shoes off.
hallway, the man shouted at them: “And if you want your cards back, “How was work?” Kaylie called, from the bedroom.
you can come to my office!” “Weird, as usual. Kind of like going outside, but for eight hours.
They stopped. James turned around, thinking of what to say, but I don’t know how much longer I can take this.” He walked through the
Kaylie grabbed his arm and pointed down the hallway. living room and opened the bedroom door. “I mean, it’s hard to get
Everything was different. The walls were newer, the doors were away from it, you know-”
older and the floor was a completely different tile. She pulled on him He stopped and stared.
and they walked quickly outside. Kaylie was laying on the bed, wearing a neon pink corset and skirt.
“What’s going on?” he said, once they were hidden on the side of She smiled and held her arms above her head. “What’s the matter?
the building. You look startled.”
“I don’t want to say it.” “Well, I- you’ve never really, eh, with the outfit.”
James looked out onto the parking lot. There didn’t seem to be a “You’ll have to excuse the pink. Unless you’re weird and you like
single car that had been made in the last ten years. “No.” what the adult shops sell in this decade.”
Kaylie stepped onto the lawn and watched a girl wearing brown He climbed on top of her and she kissed him immediately, pulling
corduroys get in the passenger side of a yellow Pinto. The same song his clothes off wildly. They’d been intimate since the time travel, but
they’d heard in the bar the day before blared loudly from the car’s fail- not like they had been before. Feeling a surge of excitement and sud-
ing speakers. Kaylie turned back to James. “I think- we might know denly remembering what it had been like the last night before the in-
what the machine does.” cident, he attacked her neck, kissing it and biting without realizing
what he was doing. He felt along under the corset, trapping his hand
between the leather and her soft, warm skin. She jumped.
They sat in the boiler room of the Engineering building, reading the “Are you okay?”
most recent newspapers. The year was 1986. Every time they tried to She grabbed him. “No.”
convince themselves it wasn’t true, they ended up with the same evi- “What’s the matter?”
dence. They had traveled twenty-two years into the past, and they had She pressed his hand harder against her stomach. “Do you feel
no idea how to get back. that?”
Kaylie stretched out on the floor and propped her head on James’ “Feel what?”

Stories
44

She took a deep breath. “I think I’m pregnant.” pened. He stared at her for a while, trying to recall what it was. Then,
another thought hit him, this time as clear as day.
“Sweetheart?”
***** “Yes?”
“I know how to get home.”

The doctor walked into the waiting room, pulling his latex
gloves off and throwing them in a trash bin. James stood up quickly, *****
clenching his fists in frustration.
“Is she okay? I have to know.”
The doctor nodded solemnly. “Yes, she’s fine.” James and Kaylie stood outside the storage room door, peering in
“What’s the problem? Please, tell me.” through the tiny glass window. Inside, the room was empty except for
“It’s nothing bad. It’s a girl. She’s in perfect condition, and you’ll a small jaw on the floor with a beetle inside.
be ready to take her home tomorrow.” Kaylie had to employ every method she knew to keep the baby
“That’s good news.” from crying. They’d been standing there for six hours. Then it hap-
The doctor nodded again. “Yes, but I need to know something: pened. The room lit up, and the jar disappeared with a flash of white
why didn’t you go to a hospital?” light.
“I told you, it was the insurance-” “Yes!” James yelled, hugging Kaylie so tightly she thought he
“Are you and the baby’s mother in trouble? Understand, when it might hurt the baby. “Did you see it?”
comes to the welfare of the child, I find myself deeply concerned.” Kaylie nodded silently, too shocked to speak. James pulled her to
“We’re not in any trouble. I swear it. I’ve just had problems with the end of the hall, where there were a set of lights switches.
finances, lack of credit, identity theft-” “The machine has an automatic shut-off; it’s a safety feature. After
“What do you mean by identity theft?” an hour or so of being on, it powers down. There’s a master switch in
James sighed. “You’ll find out.” the basement that turns the whole building off, used on the weekends
The doctor looked at him quizzically. “Bring her back in three to conserve energy. On Monday mornings, they flip the switch back
weeks for a check-up.” on, and everything else that was switched on comes to life.”
“You mean-?”
“Yes! There’s an hour window, and I believe it could be our way
***** home. Think about it: whatever’s on either side transfers to the other.
It’s perfect.”
“What about the other stuff that’s gone through?”
James sat on the couch with his arm around Kaylie and the baby James shook his head. “Remember the deck of cards? It went
sleeping between them. An episode of Happy Days was on, and as he through the day before, and the janitor found it the day before. The ma-
watched the Fonze hit a jukebox yet again, he had a moment of real- chine opens a doorway exactly twenty-two years into the past, from
ization. whatever moment it’s used. We’ve been missing for over nine months.
He was watching the show as if he hadn’t already seen it. In fact, Our families, our friends, they’re probably worried out of their minds.”
he’d been doing everything lately as if it hadn’t already happened “So we drop everything now and run through?”
twenty-two years ago. Something gripped at his chest, a horrible, un- “No. We wait a week. Then we go.”
avoidable fear: he was getting used to living in 1986. He turned to
Kaylie, maybe in hopes that she was realizing the same thing at the
moment, but she was holding the baby with a warm smile on her face. *****
“We have to get out of here.” he said.
Kaylie shifted uncomfortably. “And go where?”
“Back home. Our real home.” They lay together on the bed, James stroking her hair as he went
Kaylie sighed dreamily. “Yeah, the future.” over things in his mind. He looked at her body, admiring how beauti-
“Don’t call it that. It’s the present. Right now, we’re in the past, ful she was in the same way he had when he had first met her. Then
and for the first time I’m realizing just how much we don’t belong.” the thought worked its way back into his mind, the thought he could-
“We’re a family now. I think that’s a sign we belong.” n’t quite comprehend but somehow knew he needed to. Not knowing
James turned the television off. “See, that’s just it. We’ve brought how to help it along, he said the first thing that came to him.
out child into this world. Who knows what we’re doing to screw up “Is the 17th your actual birthday?”
history? This isn’t our place.” Kaylie stirred. “What do you mean?”
“How do you know she wasn’t supposed to be brought into this “How did they know when your birthday was, at the orphanage?
world?” They had to guess, right?”
James looked at her, and for a second something occurred to him. “I don’t remember. Do you remember your own birth?”
He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, “I was just thinking, you’re alive now. You were born two weeks
but something important had just hap- ago. We could actually go and see you if we wanted. Maybe meet

Stories
45

your birthparents. Find out the exact date. Kaylie, if you think about “Like which came first, the chicken or the egg?”
it, this is what you’ve waited your whole life for. Now you actually “Exactly! If this is all true, how were you ever alive to begin
have a chance to know who your parents are, something a lot of peo- with?”
ple like you can’t do.” Kaylie shrugged. “All I know is that it’s always been us. You were
Kaylie sighed and cuddled closer to him. “You should get some right, this is the past. This has all happened before. The accident, our
sleep.” arrival here, our ba- me. It happened twenty-two years ago, and now
“How can this not excite you? I don’t get it.” we get to live it first-hand.”
Kaylie shifted, then relaxed and drew a heavy breath. “You haven’t “But what happens next?”
figured it out yet, then.” “You know that one, too.”
“Figured what out?” James shook his head. “No way. I don’t care what you say about
“I’ve met my birthparents already. I’ve known them for a while.” history or destiny, we’re not giving our baby up.”
James stared at her, mouth slightly open. “But- what? How?” “If it were even possible for us not to, I would cease to exist. Both
“It’s us, James. I gave birth to her… to me.” of me. We have to do it.”
“No.” James said quickly. “That’s completely insane.” Yet as he
said this, he began to understand that what she had said was the very
notion that had been biting at him for the past week. *****
“I didn’t want to believe it, until you found our way home. That’s
when I realized it was true. We traveled here the very day she was
conceived. Is it a coincidence that we ended up exactly nine months James tucked the baby in her blanket and kissed her forehead softly.
before I was born? We traveled past her entire lifetime, so that from Kaylie crouched next to him and pet the baby’s bare temple.
the first day of her conception she lived here, now, in this year. It was- “Goodbye.” she said. “Take good care of yourself. For both our
n’t a coincidence, James. We were brought here to give birth to her… sakes.”
to give birth to me.” James rang the doorbell and they walked across the street, watch-
“This isn’t happening. Things like this can’t happen. It doesn’t ing as a young nun opened the door and slowly lifted the baby’s bas-
make logical sense.” ket. After making sure the baby was alright, she looked on the basket’s
“You know it does.” Kaylie said softly. side, where KAYLIE was written in custom printing.
“Yes, but it in another way it doesn’t.” “Come on.” Kaylie said, running her hands over James’ shoulder.
“You were right. We don’t belong here.”

*****

The roar of the bus engine was strangely soothing. After a few
pages of reading, James was having trouble keeping his eyes open. He
closed the book and looked on his lap; she’d lasted even less, her copy
of Melville’s collected works tucked under her forearm as she slept.
There were still three or four miles to go, which, at the bus’ speed,
meant there was plenty of time to doze off. Instead, he watched her,
still the most beautiful person he’d ever seen.
Her hair was a bit longer, her eyes were closed, but her skin felt as
soft as he’d imagined it a year ago.
“Do you think we’ll have that again?” he whispered. “You, me
and the baby laying between us?”
“Not for a while.” she whispered back. “But yes.”
“I wish they knew. When they look at us, I wish they’d know that
we had our own family.”
“When it happens again, they’ll know.”
He closed his eyes, hoping the driver would wake them up when
the stop came.

Stories
Interpolation by David K. Ginn
46

I was sitting in front of my computer, reviewing the day’s photo- enough scientists. My camera was one of them.
graphs. I had taken the day off work so that I could go to the peace I did get one good picture of Molly. She was hiding her face behind
rally. But all of the pictures sucked, so all I really did was waste money. a black bandana as to not be seen on CSPAN. Her lovely green eyes
I spent ten dollars on a blue t-shirt. I figured that the rally’s organ- were staring right back at me.
izers needed the donation. Then I spent five more dollars on a vegan I considered selling the picture to the newspaper, or maybe NPR.
corn dog. I’m really getting sick of this beatnik shit. But instead I deleted it. God bless the digital age, and Godspeed Molly.
I had just dropped out of college but money wasn’t really a prob-
lem. I landed a clutch job at the local food co-op, stocking shelves full
of organic lemonade and local spinach. I sold my car and bought a
Vespa Scooter for long trips. Other than that I just rode my bicycle. I
know that the math doesn’t really add up, but somewhere in there dig-
ital photography became a hobby of mine.
I started by taking pictures of the kikes in my fraternity. I wasn’t
feeling very spiritual at the time. Then I photographed my friend’s punk
band, The School Lunch Pogrom. I don’t know when I became a war
correspondent.
The rally, like the war itself, seemed rather pointless. I tried to lis-
ten to the cries, but couldn’t. There were too many artists but not

He was sitting in front of the television with a bowl of fruit loops, other. She couldn’t figure out what she saw in these guys. “He’s only
watching Saturday morning wrestling on Channel 2. He called it a cruiserweight, but he’s got the technical skills to fight with the pow-
‘rasslin. erhouses,” he said, referring to Herzl. She was still wondering why a
Like clockwork, he had woken up at 9:50 as to not miss the first wrestler billed as the great great grandson of Theodor Herzl would be
match at ten, some beer drinker who quotes himself from bible verses fighting on a Saturday. Maybe he saw him as a role model. He was
versus some retarded potter. only 5’5’’ and weighed 125 pounds. She had always had a thing for
But he was most excited for the main event, when Benjamin Herzl skinny boys with glasses.
would face off against The Eurocentrist. Herzl pinned the Eurocentrist with a one, two, three as the clock
Last week, the professor was giving the fans a lecture on Mādhava conveniently struck 11. She walked over to the couch to sit next to him.
of Sangamagrama, and his contributions to the development of the cal- He offered her a bowl of fruit loops. Another hour of Saturday
culus. The Eurocentrist came on with a steel chair and busted the pro- morning ‘rasslin was finally over.
fessor in the head. This week, The Eurocentrist would face off against
Mossad agent Benjamin Herzl.
She was standing in the doorway, still in her underwear. She usu-
ally wore next to nothing whenever she slept over. She couldn’t figure
out why anymore.
“He still eats Fruit Loops,” she thought to herself, as he gazed into
the television, unaware of her presence. She thought of saying some-
thing along the lines of “I’m pregnant”. but she knew even an anecdote
like that wouldn’t work
The bell rang as Herzl and The
Eurocentrist squared off against each

Stories
47

I really enjoyed today’s porn. It was a new download, which is al- Ugh, then the guy walked in. Not sure how they get grizzly bears
ways doubly exciting to watch. to have sex with women.
The clip wasn’t a typical sex scene with a girl sitting on a couch ex-
pecting to have sex with some random guy holding a camera. It was
one of those scenario-based pornos - this time, office sex with the hot
boss. The scenarios are a lot more fun, just because it’s easier to imag-
ine the same thing happening to you. It’s more of a typical situation, de-
spite the fact that there’s only a 0.0001% chance that your boss will
happen to be a hot, well-endowed, and female nymphomaniac.
The scene starts out pretty slowly, and we’re shown a shot of the
girl. I was looking to relieve my sexual tension, so some premature
stroking was already in progress, but when I saw the girl, I realized

But I guess it doesn’t really matter to me, though once again the re-
ality was a bit ruined since it was hard to see why she would be inter-
ested. The next few minutes were excruciating. She was criticizing him
for something (probably for the hair or something), but I couldn’t hear
due to the low volume. It lasted far too long before she actually started
coming on to him, which is when we got a look at her bottom.
I should mention that I didn’t fast-forward because I was waiting
for the process of baring her skin. In my opinion, that part is the most
arousing in any sex scene. The unfortunate detail being is that it’s
skipped or rushed in most porn, and is entirely mutilated in most porn.
this would be one of those times when I would probably be satisfied be- Her ass was as luring as the rest of her. Her breasts, in her green
fore I even witnessed any fellatio. To my surprise, I didn’t even have bra, overcame my expectations when the jacket came off, and by the
to see past lingerie. time she leaned and rubbed against him with her back, while still in her
I was immediately taken with the girl. Perfect lips (Not too thin or lingerie, I was done.
full, though perhaps a bit wide. I’m fairly strange considering I don’t
think Jolie’s lips are as sexy as everyone else does,) pretty face, long
hair, smooth skin, and, unlike most females in porn, sensible makeup
=). She had large breasts, with, while revealing, a non-too-flattering
suit jacket. It frustrated me several times. I think it just broke the illu-
sion of reality. You can have a revealing top without having to make it
seem like some cheap hooker’s.
I usually prefer breasts that are large enough to grab, but aren’t big
enough to knock a guy out if he looks at them the wrong way. It’s more
rare for large boobs to be nice-looking, and are usually strange-look-
ing due to the likely surgery. This girl’s boobs fell into the second cat-
egory (D, or perhaps double D?), but I didn’t mind. It was because her
bosom actually fit her body type in harmony, and I had little patience
in terms of seeing them.
Not wanting my housemates to be privy of what I watch, I turned
down the volume just enough for me to hear the occasional gasps and
moans. Unfortunately, in this clip the introduction is rather lengthy (al-
most 5 minutes with effectively no touching!) and the girl is so hot that
I could’ve been finished before I even saw the guy if I wanted to.

Stories
The Stony Brook Press Features 13
E-mail The Press at
Chris Jericho had the best entrance music sbpress@gmail.com

just the accumulation of such efforts


Kotei’s Korner 3001
ever, after the mixing of races, all that is much harmonic with the “Stand By tion starts at 7 in the morning until
that lead to solid success. counteracted with culture shun. Ac- Me” tune. I didn’t even know the song’s lunchtime, I started wondering about
Unfortunately, I did not fight near cording to the way people perceive the title until I was given the music sheet the side effects. Although average bed-
the end of my second term. It was just cuteness, they can judge by the face. By for wind ensemble. It’s by Ben E. King. ding time for college students is still at
purely pain in my ass to explain every face, the factor is the distance between I was more relaxed in playing music of midnight, many students still go to bed
bit of factors. They served the chapter eyes and nose. Thus, baby faces and this kind than classics. Second week of early and wake up after 8 or 9 in the
for over ten years; what is my position smaller faces are generally considered November, in the weekend when I had morning. People can adapt to new en-
to lecture them? I did not bother to cute. Small faces are often attributed to to take a break from the Korner, I was at vironment quick. But adapting to keen
share my intention that they would not shorter height. Also many guys became Fall Retreat by Catholic Campus noise or beeps and rubble is safety haz-
listen. Besides, I did not intend to suck ass-men and teat-man, which are also Parish. This Retreat’s theme was “Stand ard. In psychology textbook, it men-
up just for the recommendation to grad- often attributed to the shortness of By Me” and during the weekend we tioned about new parents, especially
uate schools. Only time I wasted was height. As a result, by means of natural watched the movie “Stand By Me.” The new mom, waking up by the faint voice
the time I coped with the rejection and selection, new generation of boys and coincidence occurred at two very unex- of their baby but not by the jet airplane
anxiety attacks of complying with their girls are born shorter than previous - pected events. flying over the roof. The result sug-
ideal. statistically. But again, to emphasizing “Stand By Me.” What it meant for gested that people have selective hear-
the property of statistics, I assure you me I wondered. From a Christian per- ing. Coming back to our situation: if
Average Height there are odds like me who are tall and spective, the message was probably in- students adapt to the noise of construc-
One day I was discussing with my like the tallness. tended to stand close to Him. But I was tion outside, it could mean that they se-
friend the average height. He said 5’4’’. actually confused the whole weekend. lectively block all the noise. If the fire
I guess that‘s reasonable. So I thought, AIDS day It was not like I did not know what to alarm goes off at night, can they wake
from my experience, just by observing I went to the AIDS Memorial Quilt expect. I knew everything to be ex- up? I think that would be considered
people on campus. Many are up to my on the 29th. My friend was an assistant pected. I guess at subconscious level I safety hazard.
shoulders. Some are taller than that. Oc- at the event, so the visitation was in- felt “Stand By Me” meant something
casionally, a few of them are taller than spired by my support. As I was walking else. I interpreted it as friends standing Conscious Right Things to Do
me. So I searched for more information around the Ballroom A to check every up for one another, strangers giving Recently, I was boggled up with
online. single quilt, I started wondering about helping hands to one another, and be- one of RA in the building. I had a com-
The average height for males goes how these people are commemorated lievers of good deeds coming together plaint to make. But I just asked myself,
up to 6 feet – in some mountainous and being loved even after their death. for the better world, the more peaceful what would school do if it hired that
area, within former Slovakia region. When I saw a few “Fr.” and “Rev.” ti- world. One doesn’t have to believe in RA? So I kept the complaint to myself
European countries marked the average tles, I was wondering how the epidemic Him to do good deeds. Every good until I overheard that another RA being
height almost equivalent of US. The does not discriminate the people. Then deed should come from their heart. put to probation for what I felt was un-
statistics show about 5’10’’. The short- I started wondering: will I be cared, will Selfless giving heart is truly pure. just and that I was not the only one who
est marked was in Chinese male, aver- I be loved, will I be missed, will I be re- When you give helping hands, you are had problem with the RA. I filed a com-
age no more than 5’5’’. No surprise, membered, after they lose me? I gener- standing by those in need of help. plaint. RHD was quick to react to the
people seem to get stunned seeing my ally don’t care if I would be. But I think complaint and things seemed back to
height. (Alright, so tallness gene may many people hope they would be re- Conscious Dining normal soon after. When you felt of-
be recessive, who knows?) According membered. The key is to ask yourself: I started to notice that people be- fended by RA, you have every right to
to my parents, Chinese people ridicule did I influence them, did I mark your came more conscious on campus. They speak up. When you felt offended by
Japanese for short height. Who’s laugh- presence in someone’s memory, did I know that their voice is heard and is anyone, you have every right to express
ing now? Japanese are a few inches share unforgettable moments, did I given consideration. When my room- it to appropriate official.
taller and looking down upon Chinese, have friends who shared secrets with, mate called up SAC Food Court office
for now, statistically. Either way, one and questions like that. I’m sure you for a complaint about an employee, he So we have only so many days left
thing doesn’t change – I will not toler- have one yes. Right now, Dean Martin’s was amazed that some number of peo- of classes. Although we don’t have
ate in either country. For female, 5’10’’ “Everybody Love Somebody Some- ple had already made complaint about reading days for the finals week, we can
is the benchmark of 50th percentile. times” is echoing my head and distract- the guy. He seemed to be fired quite finally breathe easy. Yet uno-mas X-
Since the distribution is more or less ing for further thoughts. So I shall cut promptly. mas and New Year 2008. What are your
normal, I am more likely to get im- the topic. But think for a second, your Statesman recently reported the ex- winter break plans?
pressed in Europe with their eye levels definition of pired food on shelves on Food Courts.
above my shoulders. But I’m content to meaningful My friends had stomach pain one day Meal Point Rollover
find some of them here. In US, the av- life. after having a regular meal. Some This week, I heard a rumor that the
erage height for female is indeed 5’4’’. friends also reported buying food from rollover of extra residential meal points
The statistic suggests that there are girls Stand By Food Court that passed sell-by date. is effective from this semester on. So I
taller than 5’10’, though less than five Me Along with those incidents, I called the Meal Plan office. I opened
percent chance. And they do look great. N o - noticed something about the conversation by “I want to ask you
One more thing about the average vember “Make It Combo.” Most of about this rumor that I’ve heard in re-
height: it seems like the average height 2 0 0 7 warm dishes have “Make It gard to meal points.” The person
in United States has dropped since the w a s Combo” option, such that with sounded very confused. According to
first settlements. Americans used to be very an extra $1.50 one gets any size the respondent, only meal plans that roll
taller than Europeans. Native Ameri- of fountain soda. But 32oz fountain over the points to next semester are
cans even had taller average height. If soda costs less than $1.40. So they commuter and West Apartment meal
the hypothesis that people traveled are ripping you off. plans. I was hoping that I hear good
from the west of Pacific to the east, the news, but I guess some things never
vastness of American continent seems Conscious Hazard change.
to have magical effect on height. How- When noisy construc-
14 Features Vol. XXIX, Issue 7 | Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Food For Thought
Yeah! And what about student drivers using my streets to learn? If you learn to play the drums you got to go to a studio! Go to a parking
lot, for God's sake! Why are you jeopardizing my life? I can't get behind a student driver! —William Shatner

Me and Performing Arts


Kotei’s Korner 3001
which I practiced the whole semester. listening to lectures, doing homework, walking from Jasmine to Pritchard gym
Actually I’m not restricted to perform- This semester in MUS263, I performed eating, and sleeping. Also I simulated with some friends. When we were pass-
ing arts as long as I feel the excitement amongst some performers who have and practiced the steps, with my part- ing by the recital hall, I felt saying,
and urge to perform “just one more been professionally trained. Three hour ner and alone. After all such physical “Male conductors lead the orchestra
time.” I almost forgot the sensation practice is weekly, but after working so and mental work, the dance starts to better than female ones do.” Oh how
until recently. hard to catch up I knew three hours is look decent. I didn’t stop there because did I not expect back fire from both
Wind Ensemble was great. It had been barely enough. I wanted to advance to next level girls in the group?
over three full years since the last time After getting familiar with music for sooner. – I still look forward to going One of their arguments was that there
I practiced in a group. There were a few years, I still tell my friends that I don’t beyond. – After all the physical and are scarce female conductors and
times when I took out the saxophone know the pitch. As for perfect pitch and mental effort, getting callbacks at com- should not be compared. But I felt it
and played pop/jazz music before this absolute pitch, let’s face it; I didn’t have petition is very exciting. I could dance was because male conductors are suit-
semester, but never in an ensemble. I any level of music education until 11 more! able for the position. Apparently there’s
did not start playing instruments (tim- year old. When I play music, my pitch I may be LMAO 90% of the time, but I more to consider. They also argued that
pani, tuba, and glockenspiel) until I was is pretty random (in the sense that I do work hard. I seem to be joking female conductors may not be given an
11 and stopped playing altogether in don’t hit the first note and guess the rest around like a fool all the time, but I do equal opportunity in leading orchestra.
middle school. I returned to music of notes relative to prior note. I think it my best for the groups when I decide to Perhaps. It is plausible. I read some bi-
when I was in 11th grade and performed all comes down to my reaction speed. take part in them. That’s how I work ographies of majors composers and
in high school concerts. I was one of So it’s easy for my friends to assume and that’s how you should work, if you they were all male. But if some women
few lucky ones to be placed amongst that I have a talent. At the first team want to gain the same respect that you want to become a priest, it is not hard
the top players in one semester. For practice, I did keep stumbling. But I can gave to the group member. Ballroom to imagine they may want to become
every concert we practice the whole se- tell you that I observed very shrewdly. dance is probably my exception be- conductors.
mester. Every semester, I wanted more Then I replayed the images in my head cause I didn’t think I’d become so sin- They also argued that female learners
than one performance. It’s not the spot- over and over again, so I picked up the gle-minded. If I want to be good at it, I work harder. If you recall your high
light I enjoy, because it was always steps quick. I replayed in my head guess I couldn’t avoid it. I probably school years and before, you remember
blinding me. It’s the performance for while walking to and fro on campus, seem maniac to some of my friends I that girls generally had better grades in
took to the team practice. They never school than boys did. Parents would
came back for the practice for their ex- just think that girls grow faster and that
cruciating muscle ache or what not. I boys can be more involved in athletics
should’ve taken them to the club prac- and outdoors. But they raised that girls
tice because that practice is ache de- work harder in schools. I do admire
manding. their work ethics too. Girls do indeed
produce better quality work. No doubt
My Club Involvement about it. But if they work harder than
My friends often ask, “How do you get boys to get better grade, that’s natural.
involved in every club on campus and I poked onto their loop hole. Assuming
can still make time for social and for that female and male conductors-to-be
friends?” My answer, “I don’t know.” were educated at same capacity, which
What I do know is that I only join clubs matured genders show most progress?
to have something in the evening every In high school and before, I cannot
day. Some people look forward to par- imagine majority of kids are enthusias-
ties and I seem to be a good entertainer tic about their pursuits. I did not know
in the parties. (But why?) So I’m not a what I wanted to pursue then. So let that
party pooper per se. But I don’t go out both genders have same goal in the
for “partay” unless good friends of music school – becoming future con-
mine are there or they organized it. I’m ductors. Their drive, motivation, and
a shy fella! Instead I join campus clubs enthusiasm are comparable, no? So the
for meeting, social, or practice. Com- music students work equally hard re-
pared to my Friday and Saturday gardless of gender difference. Then my
evening, the rest of evenings are obvi- friends’ argument seems to suggest that
ously different. I stay on campus every male students can progress further than
night until 11. female. I am not even inferring to their
But my friends remain my top priority. talents or innate skill, that is an excep-
Just second to the classes, might I add. tional effect.
But I would supercede my friends over I also argued that in general male re-
classes on some exceptional circum- sponds to emergency sooner than fe-
stances. That’s how I make time for my male does. I’ve heard this experiment
friends out of my free time. I don’t care regarding car accidents. The particular
if I use my free time all by myself or experiment must’ve been the follow up
use it for my friends. Besides making of another earlier experiment regarding
my time for others is not difficult. cell phone usage and the distraction
caused by phone conversation, not the
Male Conductors Sound Good? availability of hands. Response time to
In response to overwhelming request to emergency was significantly less than a
put this comment of mine, I give in. So second. However the experiment
How does he do it?
it was on one of the weekends before showed that male drivers respond to
heading to intramural volleyball. I was emergency quicker. They supposed that
The Stony Brook Press Features 15
FUCK THE PATRIOTS. If the Steelers can’t beat them, who E-mail The Press at

can? The Jets? Hahaha sbpress@gmail.com

the neurotransmitters triggered by


Kotei’s Korner 3001
I drink if I was insisted. Beer? Forget a long-term project. haps taboo is not the right word. But the
brain, in response to what the brain in- about it. My friends say one gets used idea is that one gets excited when the
terpreted from the image that was sent to the smell after a few drink, but I can’t When Undergrad is Paid Inadequate… scene is something rarely seen. More
from retina through optic nerves, even sip because of the smell. When my When I thought it was only Resident specifically these rare sceneries are
reaches to the nerves in the limbs faster friends had rum, whisky, beer, etc, I Assistants who were paid below mini- often restricted and even frowned upon.
for male. As far as I observed, conduc- read the label on the bottles, opened the mum wage, I witnessed a posting by Since our current society expects peo-
tors seem to be reading the measures of bottles to smell, and frown. So I don’t Graduate Student Employees Union. ple to be clothed, naked bodies can pro-
all the instruments. I know many fe- really know what drives them to think Their comments clearly suggested that voke one’s sexuality and arouse.
male instrumentalists. Male and female that they want to drink. I drink lemon the university does not value the grad- Seduction goes around the tendency
equally perform well and know the ice tea because I like its taste. Although uate students. For example, “A TA’s and lures the sexuality by exposing part
music. But when reading two or more I don’t drink soda in general, I drink stipend should reflect the value that this of bodies that used to be hidden. Many
clefs of each instrument, I suppose re- sprite because it tastes good. Alcohol it- university places on undergraduate ed- young celebrities wear short skirts and
sponse speed is determining factor. self doesn’t have flavor. It’s just the tin- ucation is clearly not a priority here.” open bosom. I can only imagine to
When I talk about gender equality, I am gling in the mouth and perhaps the tint TA is paid about $13,000 a year. Con- apply for the girls; perhaps women used
more likely to stand on female side than of adulthood. Although I choose white sidering the cost of living in Long Is- to be hidden from public exposure? Or
male. But during the argument with the wine hoping to taste the tint of grapes, land, it is apparently insufficient. One as Elaine from Seinfeld remarks, “Well,
friends, I felt some female voices sound I have never tasted. says, “I love teaching, but I can’t sur- the female body is a... work of art. The
little overboard as if it says women Maybe the alcohol washes away the ex- vive in New York on love alone.” This male body is utilitarian, it’s for gettin’
must take over man now. It’s not like a ternal shell and exposes their wild side. graduate student is an assistant for one around, like a jeep.” Anyway, I’m sure
revenge, but a statement that it is If I remember correctly, alcohol is a de- elementary and two elective courses. centuries ago wearing very little cloths
women’s turn to shine. I fear the time pressant. Maybe they like drinking al- The stipend is for working 20 hours a was not a problem. There must some
when women’s right advocates may cohol because of taste. What taste? week. However many graduate students villages where villagers, male and fe-
cross the boarder. At last I encounter an Maybe they like drinking alcohol for are TA for more than two undergraduate male, still walk around half naked and
interesting article from Washington the sake of drinking? Yeah, okay, like courses. Many students on campus re- are accepted. But I think that what ex-
Post, titled “Where Is the Ms. in Maes- water makes much difference. What alize that many elementary courses on cites people probably remains to be
tro?” can possibly go through their mind campus are taught by graduate students. something that is rarely seen.
when people decide to win in drinking Also students all know that good edu-
Food and Athletics game? It will remain mystery to me for- cation needs good basic. I truly believe At Wolfie’s
I often choose athletics. I do eat and I ever unless someone tells me. that it is graduate students’ effort and When the first time I had meals at
do enjoy eating good food. But when I labor for Kenny’s pride for the school – Wolfie’s restaurant, I sat for the lunch.
can exercise, I’ll jump right off of the Doing Job at Wrong Times “One of the brightest minds…” There were probably five waiters. But
table and into the game. Eating is as tir- Many students were frustrated when the Graduate students have many questions I had to actually call one of them to
ing for me as exercising. So there is an Sparky stopped working. Homework to the university and Kenny. One of a make an order. They wouldn’t wait on
incentive for me. I can eat 32oz steak assignments were given as usual and few is “Should I pay my rent or eat?” me and ignored that I had nothing in
plus appetizers and not feel full. I guess the correspondences between students Especially good one is “Will the SAC front of me. A thought that came to
it’s good that I don’t feel full after all. and faculties were to be exchanged as Food Court accept food stamps?” The mind was that the waiters are not moti-
Lucky me, I don’t gain weight in pro- usual. However when the Sparky questions thrown at the university illus- vated because tipping was not expected.
portional to the amount of food I con- stopped working, everything got dete- trates the frustrations that graduate Eventually I realized that tips are ex-
sume. It’s either due to all the exercise, riorated. That’s why I urge you to abol- teaching assistantship and its stipend do pected. So the waiters should accept the
strictly not gym workout, or high me- ish your Sparky account for your not pay for their living cost. Ms. Kenny fact that they wait on their peers.
tabolism. But again I often don’t eat the regular e-mail account. Sparky is unre- is overlooking the fact that she lives in I ordered pita chips for an appetizers,
whole day. I prefer spending time in liable and buggy. Many professors in mansion that was technically donated in then chicken and broccoli alfredo. The
athletics that I often forget the meal. It’s technology related field also complain the neighborhood of Stony Brook. She pita chips were crunchy and came in
okay! about the management of the system should not expect her life style is stan- big portion, for sure. But the bottom
and the administrators. Now sound dard in Long Island. half was soaked in oil that I was gnaw-
Why Drink For Fun? more credential, isn’t it? Sparky isn’t As of Fall Semester 2007, the stipend ing on chips like gummi bears and
For me drinking goes as far as smelling. worth your important e-mails. It increased by $2,000 a year. So referring worms (not the German cartoon).
When my friend from high school en- seemed it was just the system upgrades, the quote from the Visa/MasterCard Chicken and Broccoli Alfredo was
sembles (amongst two bands I be- but in such a wrong time and took too commercial: great but chicken was stringy. When I
longed, we mainly played classic in one long in the day time. My month on $1250: was invited to a dinner with other honor
and we played pop in the other), he took I’m sure there are more campus proj- Rent… $800 society and organization representa-
me to night club. That day I drank tow ects that are not very appropriate to be Bills… $411 tives, my newly acquainted friends re-
glasses of third white wine and two carried out. For those projects, I’m not Money left for food… $39 ported no stringy chicken. But they did
thirds sprite. That was the most alcohol suggesting that they should do it some Getting treated like crap at Stony mention the excessively cheesy sauce.
consumption ever. other time. Such demand is probably Brook… priceless The manager of the Wolfie’s restaurant
I “bought” one glass by myself but did- impossible. But some projects such as I’m not an expert on this. But is it happened to be one of my former class-
n’t pay for it because the bartender did peeling off the flooring of the hallways enough? mate and an honor society member. In
not tell me the price. Then my new ac- can wait. The flooring was against response to my inquiry, “Wolfie is
quaintance bought me the second. Al- safety standard, but the noise of con- Excitement and Seduction smaller than EOB, and menu is smaller
though I drank two glasses, it was half struction can be considered safety haz- While talking to my friend on AIM, I with only pasta or salad available.” For
sprite! At the end of the first glass, I ac- ard if people accept the human happen to encounter an opportunity to those who ever visited End Of Bridge
tually felt nauseous. I barely finished adaptability and selective hearing. All I express my hypothesis in seduction. If before it closed down last semester, it
the second but I just gulped down. I felt am trying to convey is that the univer- my hypothesis about excitement and se- seems to be a common opinion. I was
roasted, exhausted, and it was getting sity officials should also remember that duction is correct, the images of half also surprised at seeing only pasta,
late too. students exist and we are as human as naked women are exciting for the op- salad, burgers, and some appetizers
White wine and sprite is the only thing they are, when they decide to carry out posite gender because it is taboo. Per- (French onion soup, mozzarella sticks,
16 Features Vol. XXIX, Issue 7 | Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Food For Thought
Chicken sammich.

chips, etc).
Kotei’s Korner 3001
Going along with the topic about Open Hubble’s discovery involved in chasing the discussion of energy conservation,
Lastly I also noticed that the paper Recreation’s self-centered decision after atomic particles with a phenome- there was a slide showing the energy
towel was small. The restaurant setting making, I started feeling the favoritism non known as Doppler’s effect. As one level of chemical after reaction. The
must not be suitable in serving wings in budget allocation. The campus club hears a roaring car emitting various fre- graph clearly showed that the com-
then. I used more than one big paper will experience hard time fitting in the quencies of sound waves, generally in pound of atoms have less total energy
towel in having hot wings at Applebee’s university if it does not like the club. decreasing first derivative, as it passes conserved after reaction. For example,
®. The treatment that the club would get by you, all forms of waves show unique let’s consider BBQ. Coal and wood
Overall I had a positive impression. The changes quite significantly. The prob- property as it moves. In other word, the burns given that oxygen is available.
mood of the restaurant was good. The lem is that the university does not gen- person can hear whether the car was ap- When they burn, their carbon atoms
portion was large enough to satisfy my erally have the guts to explain why it proaching him/her or drifting away. combine with oxygen, and become
hunger. Never underestimate a thin decided to treat some particular clubs See, in the physics we know, we think heavy as Newton realized. However the
man. Go the Wolfie’s pride in serving differently. Some clubs did not even get the ripples on water, sound, X-ray, total energy conserved is lower because
portion. their club budgets for one semester. The infra-red, radio, and all visible lights some energy was released in a form of
USG apparently gives the mistakes in travel in a form of waves. Believe or heat. If indeed Big Bang occurred con-
Default Duplex Printing, what hap- the forms one by one, to buy time and not, it’s your choice but the mathemat- secutively, the residue from the world
pened? not allocate money for them. First it ical and logical explanation for now in before ours is compressed under mag-
I remember last semester Environmen- will point out a few mistakes to be explaining all above phenomenon is nificent pressure. Since the world be-
tal Club pushed a proposal to make the fixed. When the clubs bring the new considering the energy in waves. Take fore ours must have spent some energy.
double-sided printing default. After the form with corrected input, it will show visible light for example, every color For example, of BBQ or any nuclear fu-
installation of new SINC system with other mistakes. It goes on and on until it has its unique frequency associated sion of constellation - self-illuminating
NetID, I think the idea went away. En- doesn’t have to allocate the money. I with it. We can see this narrow spec- stars like Sun. After all, if we believe in
vironmental Club supposedly met with started wondering if the USG already trum band of waves because our eyes life forms in other world, how can one
President Kenny to discuss and I used the money to be allocated to the are capable of capturing it. Hubble was explain cellular mutation if energy was
thought it concluded that she agrees to clubs for some of their own gratifica- able to aim at sky and capture the mas- conserved? Therefore there are factors
enforce the double-sided printing the tion – like dinner party for USG. Per- sive energy in the still dark hollow. suggesting the world after each Big
default. Where in the wilderness did the haps. Who knows what goes on in those It all brings back to my first point. Bang must be different. The world
deal end up? places? All I know is that they show the Technically, scientists did not conclude quests different fate each time it is cre-
least respect for the current students that the universe is expanding from ated.
Asian’s Whiteout much like the university. When it knowing about the initial “bang.” It is Lastly, let us consider another case in
So this is not for whole Asian popula- comes to luring prospective students, in fact the other way around. A scientist which two worlds may form simultane-
tion. It’s more about East Asian, such as it’s whole different strategy. When it realized that the universe is expanding, ously. It is easy to predict that such con-
Japanese, Korean, and Chinese. When comes to demand donations from then the whole scientific community dition should not happen unless in a
I see someone crossing out their pen alumni, that’s another story. started speculating about this initial different dimension. Recent develop-
mark on their notebooks, they happen “bang.” However I assume that the real ment of String theory predicted that the
to look like East Asian. (I dare not to God’s Work cosmological questions come to be Big Bang may have occurred in 23rd
state stereotypically.) I used to be ob- As a practitioner of Catholicism, my whether there was one point and one dimension. Since we now think time as
sessed with my notes. The truth is that friend’s recent thesis was strikingly explosion. Then how can the expansion a dimension with all three Cartesian di-
I rarely looked back my notes and atheistic. It was titled “Lack of Free be increasing speed? In vacuum, New- mensions, permutations suggest that
whiteout didn’t make my notes look Will and Belief in God (tentative)”. Per- tonian physics suggests that the objects our world chose latter three dimensions
any clearer. So I started to care less sonally I tend to support evolutionism (or even the particles) keep moving at with a probability of C(23,3)^-
about erasing those mistakes. Honestly over creationism. However as a be- constant rate without outside force. Ac- 1~0.05%. If another world may coin-
as I don’t particularly enjoy watching liever of Agnosticism, I seem to recog- cording to Einstein physics, the gravity cide at our time, the chance is at most
myself in the mirror, I don’t particularly nize “God’s Work.” Since I had a free takes the phenomenon to a whole dif- 2.5e-7% (without including the fact that
fall in love with my handwriting either. time I read through his thesis on his ferent problem. we assume time as continuum). Previ-
So from my point of view, I don’t see Facebook note and decided to point out Multiple Big Bangs ous argument is based on time as one
the point of the whiteout now. My weak points in his arguments. An attempt to contradict [God’s dimension. Now let’s assume it actually
handwriting is clear enough and my Following is a series of topics regard- Supreme Role] by assuming the multi- happened, because it could happen if
notes are still helpful. ing his points and my counter argu- ple big bang and citing the chaos the- we let the event be random. Now we
ments. I try to sound as if I don’t care ory and causality seems effective. have two Big Bangs. Using the New-
Deadlines Jesus is God, was a messiah, or a men- However the hypothesis of the multiple ton’s law of motion, two explosions
When I started fearing missing the tally disturbed. Also since the thesis big bangs is not firm enough. will meet some time. If one is superior
deadline, I started submitting the as- isn’t done, I will take a guess on his The world we know can never have two to the other, the conservation of mo-
signments ahead of the deadline. For final conclusion and keep arguing each things exactly, let it be our personality mentum suggests the further motion
one it sounds fantastic that I finish my of his point based on the guess. or mass produced toys. Consider my after the encounter. Then one world will
work earlier in schedule. On the other Where Big Bang Comes From ENTP personality and your ENFP per- become ceased to exist. If the two ex-
hand, I felt as if I was pressuring my- First of all, Big Bang theory emerged sonality. Consider occasional product plosions occurred at same magnitude,
self unnecessarily. But considering that after the observation made by Hubble defects and statistical testing at facto- which I claim will not happen, the uni-
the fear of missing the deadline urged using Doppler effect. According to his ries. Then compare the world we don’t verse would have been static according
me to finish my work earlier, the fear is discovery, the universe is expanding at know; some time in the past, before our to the same conservation principle. At
quite serious and very much real. Oh I ever increasing speed. Therefore scien- world was created. If the big bang cre- least at the equidistant from both Big
only wished my senior year would be tists could extrapolate back to the past. ated all the matter in this world in the Bang points. So how can our worlds
easier, rather it is more challenging. When something is expanding at ex- universe, it must be the residue of pre- keep expanding? Thus the multiple Big
People say it should be challenging but traordinary speed, it must have had vious world. Are you familiar with a Bangs cannot happen.
need some break! thrust. Spherical expansion suggests an slide in some elementary chemistry Rest will continue on my Facebook
initial point at which the massive thrust class (CHE131 is the only class I took notes…
School Plays Favoritism occurred to all directions at once. from Chemistry department)? Along
The Stony Brook Press AA E-Zine 17

2007 CASB
Singing Contest
ASC’s Asian Awareness Week
Feb 14th - Feb 23rd
By Denny Mai hearts out. While some sang with a pas- ASC (Asian Student Coalition): ASA, CASB, China Blue, KSA, PUSO,
Dec 3, 2007 sion that seized control of the room, oth- SBU AA E-Zine, Thai SA, and VSA

B
ers let the taunting stage fright seize THU 2/14 TUE 2/19
right lights surround you. Eyes are control of them. As each one took the
closed. Deep breaths are taken. stage, for some it was with confidence.
China Blue's New Year Show KSA : Korean Students Associa-
The nervousness of being stared at For others, their uneasiness was easily Performances and Food : SAC tion
and the anxiousness to calm down is shown in their singing - but still to have a Performances and Refresh-
overwhelming. Your heart beats at a voice like theirs is completely desirable. FRI - SUN 2/15-17 ments : SAC
pace faster than The CASB singing ECAASU 2008 at Cornell
normal. Uncon- contest was not limited Road Trip to Largest Asian Am WED 2/20
trolled shaking to just Chinese songs Conference on East Coast THAI SA: Thai Student Alliance
takes over yet as we heard songs that
http://www.arts.cornell.edu/asian Learn Some Muay Thai
paralysis renders were American, Chi-
you unable to stop nese, and even Japan-
am/ecaasu/mission.html Workshop and Refreshments :
it. Standing still, or ese! As each of the SAC
as still as you can twelve sang, the deci- MON - FRI 2/18 - 2/22
possibly get, you sion to decide the six fi- Info Tables All Week THUR 2/21
wait and wait and nalists was underway. SAC and Wang Lobbies : 1 - 2 CASB : Chinese Association at
wait as seconds As time was taken to PM SB
seems like hours; make that decision, Mah Jong Tournament : SAC
wanting to have there was an intermis-
MON 2/18
more time to pre- sion and we heard
pare yet impatient more of Stony Brook’s ASA : Asian Students Alliance FRI 2/22
to get it over with. musical talent – both What It Means to Be Asian PUSO : Philippine United Stu-
Finally, you hear it instrumental and vocal. American dents Organization
– the musical intro After making their Workshop and Refreshments: Karaoke Night : SAC
to your song. Eyes début in China Night SAC
are opened. Deep 2007, the CASB Band SAT 2/23
breaths are still had their second per- FURTHER EVENTS AND INFO ASC : Asian Student Coalition
being taken. You formance and took the WILL BE UPDATED Cultural Costume Ball
stare straight out Sylvia Crispino singing “No One” stage to sing Maroon
and as you open 5’s “Sunday Morning”. Dinner and Dancing
your lips, the harmonic voice that you let After hearing their performance and en-
out seems to flow and blend with the joying the egg custards, the judges’ de-
harmonic music you hear, and it begins. cisions have finally been made. JOIN SBU AA E-ZINE
Once again, CASB, the Chinese As- Congratulations to the six finalists –
sociation at SB, graced us with the tal- Flora Huang, Jing Li, Judy Seng, Nan
ented voices of Stony Brook students. Zhang, Sylvia Crispino, and Xiaosu Liu!
On-line and hard copy news, events, photos, videos
As we were sitting down holding onto The music starts once again as the focusing on the Asian and Asian American
our sweet egg custards and sipping the second half of the contest resumes for SBU / Long Island / metro New York community
juice from the box drinks, we listened in the decision of which of those six would
awe and envy to our musically talented take third, second, and first place. There
peers. was a nice variety of songs in different
1st and only continuously published
Like last year, the centerpiece dé- languages, but there seemed to be a
Asian Am college ’paper’ in the country!
cors were creatively set up, filled with common interest for the contestants to
potpourri scented with the autumn se sing love songs. With such powerful
ason. Autumn hues of orange, red, and voices and emotional songs mixed to-
Online bi-weekly sent to thousands
yellow covered the tables. Bowls of pot- gether, it makes the passion to win that
of students and alumni
pourri laid atop, encircled by the scat- much stronger.
Hard copy bi-weekly in the SB Press
tering of colorful leaves. Balloons of red, And the winners were - Xiaosu Liu in Hard copy annual review - new this year!
orange and yellow filled the stage, play- third place, Nan Zhang in second place,
fully bouncing around and staying afloat and Sylvia Crispino in first place. Sylvia
for a few brief seconds before they hit powerfully sang Alicia Keys’ “No One” to
- Ge t Academic Credit
the floor only to bounce back up again. advance to the final and took the “First - Ge t to S ee Events on Campus fo r Fre e
And all the while, their different shades Place” title with Utada Hikaru’s “Final - Ge t a Resu me Buil der
gleamed around the SAC Auditorium, Distance.” Congratulations to everyone
reflecting off the surrounding stage and who made it. This year’s singing contest - Ge t Paid In ternships and mo st impo r tant
spotlights and creating a festive fall at- was one of the best that I’ve seen and - Ge t I nvol v ed in S ome thing Wo r thwhi le!
mosphere. I’m looking forward to hearing more next
Students came from all over campus year. And next year we’ll videotape it so
to audition. Twelve made it to be con- you can hear it too!
Journalists, Bloggers, Writers, Poets, Columnists, Essayists, Researchers,
testants. Three will win prizes, but there Cartoonists, Photographers, Videographers, Layout Editors, Media
can only be one person that stands Techies
alone to be first place. Annie Shek, Photos
Christina Shen-Bryan Deguzman pair, www.aasquared.org/gallery/CASBSing- Spring Semester 2008 Meetings on Fridays - TBD
Flora Huang, Jing Li, Jennifer Olegario, ing07
Judy Seng, Katie Lai-Ah Choi pair, Nan
Zhang, Qu Zhong, Sylvia Crispino, Win- Contact aaezine @ yahoo.com
nie So, and Xiaosu Liu were the chosen or just stop in to a meeting
twelve. They took the stage to sing their
www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine
www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine excerpts in SB Press Vol 18 N 4 Dec. 2007 Weekly meetings Wednesdays 5:00PM at our office in Student Union 071.
18 Vol. XXIX, Issue 7 | Wednesday, December 12, 2007

arts&entertainment Arts Calendar


Jam If You Can
10/13, 7:00pm, SAC Ballroom
Seiskaya Ballet: The Nutcracker
All through December, Staller Center

Syriously Syrian:
More Like, Syriously Super
beat you in the rap Warria kicks a flow on track two, homicidal tendencies known to the
An A-WAL Lowdown Joint One two, mothafucka, clap yo’ ass with “Shibby Doo Wop II: The Shibbening.” world at large, he issues a blanket
the gat Here he rescuscitates the cry of “Shibby threat: “You will die quick for messing
Even though I worship shit, I don’t give doo wop,” a powerful piece of gibber- with the murderer!” At the close of the
Question: Who’s better than War- a damn ish last seen on his debut album Revola- song, Warria assures us that he is “real”
ria? Fuck you, fuck you is a bitch-ass ho.” tions. This track is a powerhouse of with his “shit.” “Are you?” he then in-
Trick question, bitches! Warria is lyrical mastery, clocking in at nearly quires, answering his own question
the best. And if you ever find yourself After dispatching his adversary, five whole minutes. Indeed, this is War- with a resounding “I don’t think so.”
doubting that fact, just listen to Syri- Warria demands the release of his soul ria’s second longest song ever, and does Damn. He schooled us.
ously Syrian, the newest Warria album, back to the planar existence… not disappoint. The song’s outro in- The last and undoubtedly best track
released by (Unintelligible) Records. on this golden collection is “Self In-
Syrian is a gem, tour-de-force from flicted Gunshots at Tojo’s Dojo: The
Warria’s past. Warria Story.” This one’s dense with
Early in the distribution process, content. In a scant three minutes and ten
one of the sound lab technicians ab- seconds, Warria packs in a South Asian
sconded with the only copy of the fin- impersonation (“this Pakistan dude” as
ished CD. She then enrolled in a he terms it), a shoutout to his old
university north of Beirut, Lebanon for stomping grounds of Poughkeepsie, the
the Fall 2006 term. Due to domestic revelation of his true ethnicity, an at-
problems in Lebanon, this wayward tempt at crossover success in the R&B
heroine found herself trapped on the genre, another reference to Reem and
opposite side of the Syrian/Lebanese Benji, and a bad trip on PCP which re-
border. A year later, she wound up back sults in his near-castration. Nothing we
in the States, but could not find the lone could say would do this song justice.
copy of Warria’s magnum opus. Mere The best that can be done is a sampler
days before Thanksgiving 2007, an or- platter of lyrics.
dinary looking brown cardboard box ar-
rived at her doorstep in the quiet town “Yeah! Whoa!
of Pawling, NY. Delayed in customs Killer, master, emcee
due to its Middle Eastern point of ori- Funnin’ on the real
gin, the box containing her possessions Fun times every damn day
left in Lebanon finally made its way Tellin you dudes
home. And there, on the bottom of the Warria Tryin’ to say what I gotta say”
WARRIA TA DA TOP A DA GAME SPITTIN TA YA SHOW YA MY GAME.
box, sat our prize: the as-yet-untitled
Warria album. “Y’all know that shit
After finding its way into our cludes perhaps the most honestly terri- I’m real with my gun
hands, inspired by the backstory sur- “I’m in hell, you gotta let me go back fying Warria moment yet experienced. Oh shit, I just shot myself, son!
rounding the CD, we quickly dubbed it to the Earth We won’t spoil it for you, just give it a Oh no, right in my ball
Syriously Syrian. And it was good. Where I be workin’ listen. And leave the lights on. Damn, shit, that’s a bad call
The album opens strong with a visit And I be jerkin’ Next up is “Ain’t Pleadin’ Da Fif, Why’d I do that
from someone we’ve all encountered Everyday ferkin’ or, An Exercise In Self-Incrimination.” I’m so fucked up
once or twice: The Prince of Darkness, I be flirtin’ with bitches every day The gloves are off once again as Warria So high off the PCP
The Lord of the Pit, The Viceroy of What you know, you snitch?” delves into his eternal struggle against So tough.”
Vice himself, Satan! (Operating here rival emcee, Benji and his heretofore
under the pseudonym of “The Devil.”) This displays Warria’s influence on unknown protégé Reem. This marks the We cannot recommend this CD
Warria, wasting no time in displaying our culture, his ability to coin a neolo- sixth or seventh time Mr. W has made enough. For those interested parties,
his lyrical prowess makes short work of gism like “ferkin.” The true meaning of mention of his ancient enemy. The track you can find a sample of Warria’s music
the interloper, mercilessly buffeting this word eludes our editorial staff, but opens with a heavily produced beat, a at tobybenjamin.com/Warria. For Syri-
him with rhyme after rhyme. we’re sure it would make Shakespeare veritable assault of reverb and scratch- ously Syrian, however, you’ll need to
An example: green with envy. Just look at those ing. As the lyrics start, Warria embraces be more enterprising. Stop by Union
rhymes! his animalistic side to cry out “I’m a 060 for details.
“I don’t give a damn, mothafucka, I’ll Touching on a theme from his past, master! Killer! Murderer!” Making his
The Stony Brook Press
Now in Theatres
Arts & Entertainment 19
Selling Herb on the Curb West Bank Story The Mummy 3: Mum Hardest Postcards From East Jerusalem

Top 10 Fall TV Shows of 2007


tering ending with Nathan Petrelli get- some episodes this season. A few ing lead actor, but lost both times. How-
By Andrew Bernstein ting shot in the chest twice and Sylar episodes, though, seemed a little forced ever, he won two Golden Globe awards
curing himself of the Shanti virus, re- to me. However, for the most part they for best actor in a television drama con-
gaining his old powers. That’s the end give a strong showing. I didn’t like secutively in 2006 and 2007.
Disclaimer: Spoilers contained of volume two, and when the writer’s when they had the one hour episodes in
within. strike ends we will get volume three, the beginning of the season, and I pre- Smallville- This long running show
which is aptly named “Villians.” fer that they stick with the half hour is in its 7th season and, unfortunately,
Friday Night Lights- The most con- segments. It’s a lot smoother that way. it’s not as strong as it used to be. This
sistent show on television tops my list. How I Met Your Mother- This show show has lost a lot the of flair and orig-
is having a great year. They had a few Family Guy- This is the only ani- inality that it used to have in the early
Heroes- This show had a bumpy questionable storylines, but the major- mated show I watch, and for good rea- seasons. I hope this downward trend
beginning to its 2nd season, but re- ity of the episodes were hilarious. son since it’s simply amazing. Seth turns around and improves itself, but
bounded with its last four episodes MacFarlane is a genius for his magnif- only time will tell.
being exceptional. This show had an The Big Bang Theory- This fresh- icent creation of the show. You’ve got
earth shat- man comedy is a pure delight. A laugh to love its unique humor.
out loud sitcom that works so well be-
cause of the perfect balance of the char- Chuck- This freshman show has
acters. Due to the high ratings, this improved drastically over the season
show received a full season pickup. and earned a full season pickup. The
creators Josh Schwartz and Chris Fedak
Prison Break- This action packed blend dramatic storylines and comedic
show slowed down a little this year, situations very well.
but they’re trying hard to get this
show back on track with a strong House- This medical drama is a
Fall cliff-hanger. great show mainly due to one charac-
ter; Gregory House, played by Hugh
The Office- This Laurie. Hugh Laurie is a terrific actor
Emmy award winning com- and he deserved his two Emmy nomi-
edy was extremely funny in nations in 2005 and 2007 for outstand-

The race...

to fill up space!
James never made it to first base with matt

20
20 Vol. XXIX, Issue 7 | Wednesday, December 12, 2007

opinion
Inside the Opinion section:
Vector Marketing Sucks! That’s funny. This is usually the sec-
A few inches below tion with the most articles.

The Great Pyramid of Vector


fortunate souls wearing their Sunday telemarketers do. You call somebody spending on the gas you need to drive
best because the person on the phone and randomly bug them about how you from appointment to appointment. You
By Jonny Pu

told you to dress like it’s for a profes- just “got this great new job” and was might end up in management and you
And now, if you look to any bul- sional job interview. Then the manager wondering if they could “help you out might make it up the chain and make
letin board on campus, you will notice will walk in and give you some bullshit by letting you practice your appoint- money but… chances are that Vector
advertisements for a seasonal job with memorized speech about how lucky ment with them.” Now, They “don’t will steal your soul,. bBecause they’re
Vector Marketing, offering as much as you all are for getting into the interview have to buy anything, but if they see soulless bastards.
$20 per appointment. since it’s such a coveted employment anything they like they can just just let Did I mention that Vector’s been
Sound too good to be true? Damn
right it is. opportunity. Lucky, huh? Everybody you know.” I quote those passages be- sued on multiple occasions for their
Here’s the catch. Vector is a fuck- and their mothers are here, jackass. cause they’re part of a passage meant business tactics? In 1990, the Arizona
ing pyramid scheme. And I repeat: a Anyways, then he’llThey give you a to be memorized and recited verbatim. Attorney General filed suit against Vec-
fucking pyramid scheme. Why? Al- whole crash course on how the job is The people you call are, by the way, tor Marketing. In 1994, the company
right, let me break it down for you. sales, you have to be good with people, friends and family. Way to exploit our was ordered by the state of Wisconsin
Here’s approximately how the com- you’re going to be selling Cutco personal relationships, Vector. Bravo! not to deceive potential workers. Vec-
pany is set up. There’s a CEO and other knives, blah blah blah. After the “inter- Then you drive to the few appoint- tor was sued again in 1999 by the Aus-
executives running the company. Under
them are regional directors who then in view,” the manager will call you into ments you’re able to make with people tralian Consumer and Competition
turn are each in charge of a handful of his office, one by one, and you’ll who clearly don’t want anything to do Commission. In 1996, a Washington
mid level managers. These mid level mostly be one of the few who get the with salespeople but want to help you Post Article was written on a study per-
managers are then responsible for a few job. And by “few,” I mean the whole out because of your personal relation- formed by the Wisconsin Consumer
branch managers who are each tasked fucking interview group. Good to know ship. You give your 60-90 minute long Protection department. In the study,
with recruiting and hiring a handful of you stood out like that, huh? memorized presentation, show off the which surveyed 940 Vector recruits, it
staff and salespeople. For every sale
Then next step is unpaid training., Cutco knives (which you have was reported that in the state, “workers
that the people at the bottom make,
their managers make a commission. Aabout 20 fucking hours of train- to buy, by the way), and then made less than $3 a day on average
And the people above them make a ingit,. Aand they don’t pay either get an order or working for Vector.” Those, my friends,
commission off them. And so forth. So you shit. So you know, drive to your next ap- are fucking slave wages. Even the guys
the people at the top are constantly m M o s t pointment empty I pick up from 7-11 to do my fucking
pushing the people below them to work compa- handed. And you lawn make more than that. And it does-
more and work harder and be their nies will pay for your n’t take 20 hours of training to learn to
bitches and make them rich. It’s a fuck-
ing pyramid scheme. pay you own gas. Fun- use a lawn mower or rake leaves.
How do I know this? I have per- while they fucking-tasti- If you want a job, go look for one.
sonally infiltrated Vector at the lower train you dur- cal. Don’t call Vector, don’t pass go, don’t
levels and witnessed, firsthand, their ing training. If you’re collect $200. Seriously: you won’t
shady business techniquestactics fiirst- Why not Vector? lucky, like I make $200 working for Vector; you
hand. More accurately, I was enslaved BeCcause you’re was, you’ll be won’t even come close. If you break
by Vector for nearly a month over the an investment to forced to attend a even, I want to meet you and congratu-
summer. How bad was it? Oh man,
don’t you want to know? the company. division meeting late you in person. They’ll milk you for
So I apply for a job with Vector on They put (most likely some- all your worth and collect commissions
their perfectly legitimate-looking web- money into where in NYC) off the sales you make. And when you
site. Then within a day, I receive a call you and you produce results for them. where, for five hours, try to quit, they’ll throw a fucking guilt
concerning my application. Firstly, Vector? They’re not going to give you you’ll sit through a bunch of bullshit. trip on you that you don’t work hard or
allow me to mention: no company will shit. So you know,. Aand then they pay To summarize, they’ll award individu- some inane shit like that. Don’t judge
ever call you 24 hours after you apply you shit. als, as well as branches, for exceptional me, oh manager of mine. I don’t exploit
for a position with them. No company Oh right, the whole $20 per ap- sales. They’ll then tell you about a people to fulfill my get-rich-quick
is ever that desperate,. Eexcept Vector, pointment thing? Here’s how they re- “push period” in which they offer in- dreams. I don’t watch other people
apparently. The things they tell you ally pay you. There’s two methods of centives to make certain quotas of slave away and then take money from
over the phone make you sound like payment. Either you get your base pay sales. So you know, they’re always them. You, oh manager of mine, are not
aso prime candidate too. And then which can be up to $20 per appoint- having a “push period” so it’s not some my fucking father and you have no
tThey give you two possible interview ment or a 10% base commission for exciting opportunity like they’re going right in telling me how shitty my moral
times, which are, by the way, group in- every sale you make, whichever of the to tell you it is. It’s basically a waste of character is. Hell, even my father can’t
terviews. You’re busy at those times? two is more. And so you know, it’s usu- time but you have to go “if you’re seri- throw that one on me anymore. My ad-
Well, “are you serious about getting a ally not $20 per appointment. It’s usu- ous about the job.” And no, these meet- vice to you, Vector managers, is to go
job?” Yes, I’m fucking serious, ass- ally a lot less and you’ll be spending ings, as well as weekly branch get a job where you don’t have to use
holes. Fine, I’ll go in for your fucking about an hour and a half per appoint- meetings, are not paid time. Again: not other people to put food on the table. In
group interview. ment, not including the time it takes paid time. . My time is valuable, Vec- short, get a real job with a real com-
You’re going to get directions and you to drive from one to another. tor. and if you’re not serious about my pany that pays real wages and has real
they’ll lead you to some shoddy look- Oh right, I never explained the job time, Vector, I can find somebody else benefits,. Llike health insurance and
ing building somewhere in the middle in detail!. Vector Marketing is the sales who is. Bitch. such. Being a 30 year old who lies to
of nowhere. It’s going to be a cheaply branch of a company that produces Well, now that I think about it, children isn’t the pinnacle of evolution,
rented building with no real furniture Cutco knives and other cutlery. In order there are Vector success stories. They sorry to break it to you shits. Fucking
and a toilet you don’t even want to piss to market these knives, they use high are, however, a small percentage of the pyramid scheme.
on, let alone piss in. You’re going to school students and college students. people who are recruited. Chances are, In closing: fuck you Vector. Give
walk in and sit down next to other un- As such, you’re going to be making if you take the job, you’ll make a bit of me my summer back.
“cold calls.” They’re essentially what spending money which you’ll end up
The Stony Brook Press 21
22 Comics Vol. XXIX, Issue 7 | Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Number 10 by Andrew Fraley

ESKIMO JIM BY DAVID K. GINN


The Stony Brook Press Insights and Interplanetary Diplomacy Breakdowns 23
“He said spikes, give ‘im spikes!”
Joe's Lucky Day Setting: Patty's room (Joe is looking through Patty's
Written by "The Freshness" drawers, and finds a vibrator, and some pictures of (Kara applies condom to Andrew's hard cock, and (Joe walks over to her and kisses her)
him from class) climbs on top of him)
(Patty pushes them both onto the bed, and gets out
Scene I (Patty suddenly gets out of the shower, in a towel) (Kara starts to ride Andrew, Andrew is in heaven, fuzzy handcuffs)
Setting: Joe in his car driving to Andrew's house watching Kara's tits bounce up and down, and watch-
Patty: (acting surprised, but not really) Joe! What are ing his cock slide in and out of her wet vagina) (Joe and Patty handcuff Sally to the bed)
Joe (thinking to himself): Hmm, I remember the you doing?!
freshman telling me that Patty lives near him…I Kara: (pant) Oh (pant) God this is good (pant) Patty: Get ready Sally, Joe is 7 inches!
think I might get lucky today. (pulls out picture of Joe: I was just um..uh…I'm sorry
her from his glove compartment). Damn she is a hot- (After a while of her riding him, they flip over) (Patty gets on top of Sally, so that their pussies are
tie, I definitely have to get a piece. Patty: It's OK, I know you wouldn't be able to resist on top of each other)
this body for so long (drops towel, Joe's jaw drops Kara: Do you want to fuck my tight asshole?
Scene II open) (Joe takes a whiff of both their pussies)
Setting: Joe and Andrew talking, Joe has just arrived Andrew: Yes please (he grabs the astroglide lube)
(camera pans from her small feet, up her legs, to her Joe: Mmmm….
Andrew: Hey man, what's up? perky tits, and shows her with a somewhat dirty look (Kara flips over, and spreads her butt cheeks, you
on her face and she shakes her head, sending her wet can see her hole and her woman hood as she offers it (Joe starts fucking Sally, Patty hands him the vibra-
Joe: Doesn't Patty live around here? hair in every direction) to Andrew's willing cock) tor)
Andrew: Yea man, right around the block, I've al- Joe (really surprised, gets a grin): What is this all (Andrew applies lots of lube to her asshole and to his Patty: Put it in my ass
ways wanted to go there at night and watch her slip about (shows her the pictures of him next to her vi- cock and finger)
into her PJs brator) (Joe quickly does as he is told, thrusting his hard
(Andrew performs the shocker to Kara :1 in the pink, cock into Sally, fucking Patty's ass with the vibrator,
Joe: You da man freshie (high fives) Patty: (walks close to Joe, and hugs him, slightly and 2 in the stink: Kara squeals with pleasure) and Patty is making out with Sally)
humping his leg) I've liked you for a long time Joe…
Andrew: Word, why did you want to know anyway? Kara: Slide your cock into me! Sally: Oh my, this is really amazing….
(Joe starts to get a stiffy, and Patty slowly starts kiss-
Joe: Well man, I'm feelin lucky tonight (pulls out ing him) (Andrew enters her back door and begins to hump (It doesn't take that long until Sally lets out a scream
condom, waves it around, and smiles) her) and starts to cum and gets Joe's cock all slippery)
(Joe takes off his shirt, Patty's
Andrew: That petite slut is gonna get the banging of boobs and his chest start Kara: Oh God! I love it in the ass (They hear another car pull up)
a life time! rubbing together)
Andrew: Uh huh…oh yea (Joe pulls out, and leaves the vibrator in Sally's
Scene III (Patty slowly makes her vagina, Patty and Joe go to answer the door)
Setting: Walking to Patty's house way down to Joe's waist, and Kara: Fuck me!!
begins unbuttoning his pants) Patty: Oh…can I help you?
Andrew: Well, that's her house, right there (points) Andrew: Ahh
Joe: Thanks, man Patty: You know why my Andrew: Holy shit Joe! You did get lucky today
boyfriend broke up with me? (more anal sex…Andrew gets closer to cum- hahah
Andrew: No problem…so uh…do you think I could ming)
get a piece too? Joe: (catches his breath) Joe: haha Patty, this is my friend, Andrew…or as I
Why? Why would he give (Andrew pulls out, removes the condom, like to call him, Freshie
Joe: Hell no you idiot, you'll blow my chances up a hot piece like you? and shoots a load of cum all over Kara's
back and ass) Patty: Well Fresh Meat, there's something waiting for
Andrew: (laughs) you're probably right, but just do Patty: Because I accidentally you upstairs, come on in!
me one favor… screamed out "Joe" as we Kara: mmm, that's good
were having sex (They all go back to the room and find Sally
Joe: What would it be? Andrew: Oh yea baby, you're amazing writhing in pleasure from the vibrator)
(Patty finally gets Joe naked,
Andrew: Get me her panties his long dong already (Kara and Andrew start driving back to Andrew: Oh this is amazing!!!
pretty hard) Patty's, all the while Andrew is fingering
Joe: hahah, you're a sick fuck, but OK Kara as she is driving) (Andrew walks over to Sally, and pulls out the vibra-
Patty: (sur- tor, replacing it with his cock)
Andrew: Thanks man prised) Wow! Kara: I hope no one catches us haha
Your cock is (Joe looks deep into Patty's eyes, they kiss)
(Kara pulls up aside the duo) huge, it will Scene IV Part 5
feel so good Setting: Patty's house, Joe and Her in Sally: Who the hell are you?
Kara: Hey there guys (winks) down the back the shower (Steamy room and camera
of my throat shows the silhouette of 2 bodies in the Andrew: The one who will fuck your mouth right
Andrew and Joe: Hey shower) now!
Joe: Ugh yea,
Kara: So where you guys headed? Patty take it down (Camera shows Joe (Andrew pulls out and stuffs his dick into Sally's
and Patty together, mouth; she does wonders with her tongue piercing)
Joe: I'm going to Patty's (Patty starts playing all soapy and look-
with Joe's wiener in her ing lustily at each (Joe and Patty are in lust heavily, Joe slides on a con-
Kara: Well why don't you come for a ride with me mouth, Joe is in a world other) dom and starts fucking Patty doggy style)
then Andrew? of pleasure from this)
Joe: (thinking to (Joe shoves his entire 7 inches into Patty from be-
(Kara leans over to open passenger door, showing Joe: Oh… (Joe puts his hand on himself) Now's my hind and is pumping away, his large manhood
her cleavage as she leans over) Patty's head) chance to repay stretching her tight hole, Patty is moaning with
her… pleasure)
(Joe and Andrew look at each other and Joe makes a (Patty stops for a minute)
motion telling Andrew to get in the car) (Joe starts kissing (Andrew is doing Sally missionary style, her legs are
Patty: Do you want me to swallow your hard Patty, Patty's wet high over his shoulders and he is pumping fast also)
(Andrew and Kara drive off while Joe continues cock? pussy is shimmering
walking up to Patty's house) in the light) (Patty has to now bite a pillow in order to stop her-
Joe: Oh God yes self from making too much noise and waking the
Scene IV Part 1 (Patty sits on the corner of the tub and spreads her neighbors up, she is cumming over and over again as
Setting: Joe at Patty's (Patty starts taking Joe's 7 inches little by little down legs to show her pussy to Joe) Joe fucks her)
her throat)
(Joe rings doorbell) Joe: Now I'm going to make YOU cum (Andrew pulls out of Sally and beings to slide his
(Joe slightly pushes on the back of Patty's head, forc- cock in between her breasts, he is pinching her nip-
Patty: Hang on! ing his entire length down in her mouth) Patty: Oh Joe…You're so thoughtful ples, and he uncuffs her so that she can play with his
cock and balls)
(hear pitter patter of feet inside the house) (Patty almost chokes, but quickly gets used to the big (Joe starts by putting a finger in Patty's hole, and
cock in her mouth) starts lightly fingering her as he playfully tongues Andrew: I am coming close…
(Patty opens the door) her clitoris)
(Patty starts licking Joe's shaft wildly, Joe starts Joe: Me too…
Patty: Joe Piet! I wasn't expecting you today! moaning) Patty: Ahh, that feels so good, more more!
(Patty and Sally move closer to each other…Joe and
Joe: Well I'm a pretty unpredictable guy Joe: Oh…Patty, I'm about to cum (Joe is now fingering her harder and licking her en- Andrew are whacking off onto each of their faces)
tire pussy harder, also he is teasing her clit)
Patty: Well come on in, hang out for a while (Joe quickly tries to pull out of Patty's mouth, but un- (A large stream of spooge comes out and covers both
loads a big wad in her mouth and a bit on her face) Patty: OH GOD I think I am going to cum soon!! Patty and Sally's faces, they lick it off each other and
Joe: Oh, I think I will (winks at camera) stuff)
Joe: Sorry about that, it was soo good though Joe: Do it baby, cum hard for me!
(Camera shows Patty's tight butt wiggle as she walks Scene V
up the stairs, Joe is mesmerized) Patty: It's ok, I like it (swallows some cum) Patty: ohhhhh ahhhh Setting: Front door of Patty's (Patty and Sally wave
goodbye to Joe and Andrew)
Patty: So how has your summer been? Patty: Alright, let's go get cleaned up (Patty squirts on Joe's face)
Andrew: Well that was a cool day
Joe: It's been pretty cool I guess, just relaxing, what (Patty and Joe walk to the shower) Joe: I didn't know you were a squirter!
about you? Joe: Damn right I got lucky…and then some
Scene IV Part 4 Patty: That was just payback haha (winks)
Patty: Mine isn't as good, I just broke up with my Setting: Andrew still in car (Kara walks back to car Andrew: haha me too
boyfriend a week ago… with a black bag in her hand) (They get out of the shower and dry off and sit on
Patty's bed) Andrew: So, you want to go catch a movie or some-
Joe: I'm so sorry to hear that Andrew: What did you buy? thing?
Patty: mmm that was good…
Patty: Don't be, he was a jerk, not as cool as you are Kara: Oh, just some stuff Joe: Nah…wait a minute, doesn't Christine live
Joe (puts hand on his) (Joe hears a car pull up to the house) around here too!?
(Kara pulls out a tube of AstroGlide lube and a pack
(Joe slightly blushes) of Trojan Ribbed Condoms) Joe: Oh shit! Who is that? Andrew: You're not thinking…
Patty: Well I must look like a wreck; let me go take a Andrew: (sarcastically) oh, what are these for? Patty: Oh damn I forgot that I invited Sally over! But Joe: Oh hell yes I am!
shower… don't worry; she is a little slut too.
(Kara gets out and runs to the back seat) Andrew: Let's go!!
Joe: I'll wait out here Joe: Cool, I've always wanted to fuck her
Kara: Get back here, right now teehee (Andrew and Joe run into the setting sun)
Scene IV Part 2 (Patty goes to open the door for Sally, while she is
Setting: Andrew and Kara in Car (Andrew leans to the back seat, kissing Kara) still naked and "glowing") FIN
(Kara stops in the Genovese parking lot) (Kara and Andrew undress in the back seat and start Sally: What the hell, why are you glowing? Epilogue: Patty's brother saw her and Sally
making out) naked…he almost cried right there, but Sally soon
Kara: Wait here, OK? Patty: No time to explain, come on!! made him a man. Joe still sometimes goes to Patty's
(Andrew sits as Kara gives him a handjob) house, and they make wild love on her roof, in pools,
Andrew: Alright (Patty leads Sally up the stairs, practically running) almost anywhere really. Kara found out about the
Kara: You like this? (starts to give Andrew head, tak- orgy, and was kind of pissed that she didn't stay. Joe
(Kara gets out of the car, slightly bending over to ing just the tip of his cock in and playing with it) Sally: What is this about? Why are you naked (Sees never did get those panties, but Andrew didn't care.
show her butt as she gets out) Joe on the bed) Oh…my…God… They eventually did make it to Christine's house, but
Andrew: Ohh that feels so good (he reaches to a con- we'll save that story for another day….(wink)
Scene IV Part 3 dom) Joe: Glad to see you too Sally
DEATH EGG ZONE

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