Today I want to share a bit of our story with you and then share how God is showing Himself faithful to us Parenthood has never been an easy journey for me. I honestly didnt even know if I wanted to be a parent. Kids were so sticky and always had runny noses and dirty clothes and it seemed like so much WORK. And then as I grew up older I realized the stickiness wasnt the biggest problem but really what was scary about parenthood was that you were responsible for the hearts and souls of these little people and you could totally screw them up! When I was little I thought my parents were perfect, and then one day it dawned on me that they werent perfect, and then later I blamed them for all my problems and fears and issues. I eventually worked through it, but it made me so terrified of parenting. My parents did the best job they could and always loved us but still I grew up so messed up. There was too much potential damage to reek on a child how could I do that to someone? These fears too were worked through as I came to know the cross deeper and understand that my job wasnt to be perfect but to point people to the forgiveness and love of Jesus Christ, and that included my children. So, mostly because Casey would be parenting them too and he is obviously a great parent, we had Kieren. We WANTED a boy but settled for a girl and fell in love with her instantly. Her middle name is joy and she lives up to that moniker. She has the best laugh in the world and brings love and joy wherever she goes. But still even with a princess parenthood isnt easy and I wondered if we could actually raise a second child. Casey and I went back and forth for hours about having a second and ultimately we had Keller because Casey wanted a son. And he gave me an ipod. That is a true story. I eventually relented and got pregnant because Casey bought me an ipod. But that is another story. As my belly and body grew with Keller I wondered how I could ever love another child like I loved Keller, but grew strength in seeing the community of Ocean View and how you all loved Kieren and our family. We could do it together. 2 Then Keller was born and everything changed again. He was the sweetest gift that I never knew I wanted. It has been a beautiful journey watching this boy grow up and develop and I have an insane and unnatural love for him. I am obsessed. But then at about 16 months we started noticing that Keller was developing differently than other kids. He wasnt talking much, he wouldnt really eat many different foods, and he hated being with a lot people. Kierens fifth birthday party was horrific for him as our home was filled with people, noises, and smells that he hated. He was anxious around all the people and I knew something was different about him. So we booked an appointment with a pediatrician who also deals with brain issues and thought he might have some sensory issues to deal with. But in March she diagnosed Keller with autism and everything changed in our world. The definition of autism is that it is a spectrum of brain development disorders. Something in the brain is not developing properly and the symptoms are varying but mostly include difficulties in social interaction, communication, and often show repetitive behaviors. Keller is almost two and only has a few words and deeply struggles with social interactions with people unless he feels completely safe. So now among his most feared places include this church on a Sunday morning. We did not even know what autism was when we got this diagnosis and having a child who doesnt communicate or interact socially is basically the opposite of everything we are as a family. It has been so difficult to get our heads around what this is, and what is more complex than this disorder is the myriad of ways you can treat it. Already we have four therapists for Keller and the list will only continue to grow. We basically treat the symptoms of autism but it is unknown how you get autism and it is also unknown how Kellers life will look. Some people with autism grow up nonverbal and unable to live alone. Others grow up to be prodigies in math and science. Still others develop and eventually lose their diagnosis and lead completely normal lives. Kellers future is unknown and that is very hard for us. I feel like a dark cloud has formed over our home and every thought, moment, and interaction is tainted with the sad reality that Keller has autism. The future is unknown and this has been a scary and sad place for me.
All these questions and fears and feelings I have laid down at the throne of God. We have not run from God or blamed God, we have run to Him. 3 We have fallen at His feet and asked Him to carry us and guide our every day.
But we have also learned that surrendering everything to God, bringing ourselves to Him, praying with everything in our guts, doesnt mean that God will change our circumstances. Many of you know this place. Sometimes we pray with everything in us for something to change, for the darkness to lift, for a different result, and God doesnt seem to show up in the way we want. For us, we believe that God is going to do miraculous things in Kellers life. We believe His story is for Gods glory. But those are our visions for tomorrow and today is still dark. There are times when even though we know tomorrow is a new day; our today is dark and difficult. This has been my story and I want to share what God has done in my dark moments. In my todays God has just been with me. I have cried out to God for answers and dreams and hopes for the future and I have not heard what is to come. But I know what is today. God is today. God is with us. God is for us. I have found solace in much of Gods word during this time, but Romans 8 has been a place where I have found Gods voice and also wrestled with Him confused on His goodness and promises. This is what we read in Romans 8:
Romans 8 35 Who shall ever separate us from Christs love? Shall suffering and affliction and tribulation? Or calamity and distress? Or persecution or hunger or destitution or peril or sword? 36 Even as it is written, For Thy sake we are put to death all the day long; we are regarded and counted as sheep for the slaughter. 37 Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, 39 Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
4 Paul is writing this book to both Jews and Gentiles in the city of Rome. There are many things these people are struggling with, but one thing all people wrestle with is trial and tribulations and how to find God in them. It is evident that Paul wants to lock closed the case for every follower of Christ who wonders if God has forgotten them. For every believer that thinks they have committed the worst sin and God cant forgive them. For every time a believer thinks this is the end and God isnt real. Paul says that there is nothing that can ever separate us from Gods love. There are things that happen all the time in this world that make us wonder, WHERE IS GOD IN THIS? Just now in Ocean View as the fighting and gang violence increases. I have already heard people say where is God in this? Where is the church? Why arent Christians praying? But I dont think that is the right answer. In fact it sounds just like the really bad friends of Job who said that Job must have done something wrong to cause all the pain and darkness that was being inflicted on his life. But Jobs friends were wrong, and we knew it from the beginning of the story. Job was a righteous man and there was nothing he had done wrong, and yet his life was filled with darkness and terror. Just because we encounter hardships and difficulties doesnt mean we have an unconfessed sin or that God is punishing us. Bad things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. The Lord give and the Lord takes away. This is the ebb and flow of life, not the justice and judgment of God. So what happens when things go wrong and we are in the dark and there is no one to blame? What do we do where the problems persist and the answers dont come and the darkness is still there in the morning?
Well Romans 8 tells us, but its easy to miss. Romans 8 says that we are more than conquerers in Christ Jesus, but it doesnt say what we will conquer. We ASSUME that we will conquer our situation or our debt or our wayward family member or our trial or our joblessness or our own pain and hurt. We ASSUME that is what Paul means we will conquer so we look and wait and pray and wait and wait and wait. And we think God has forgotten us. But God has never forgotten us. God will never leave or forsake us and nothing separates us from his love. So what do we conquer? We conquer facing our trials alone. 5 We might face trials, we might be in darkness, we might pass through hardship but we will do it with Christ and His love. We will always have Him with us and he will never leave our side. You are always the conquerer. When go through trials and darkness we are not separated from Christ but instead we get a more intimate and thrilling experience of Jesus love When our flesh and our life and our own dreams die than Christ can truly live in us Galatians 2:20 says, My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Even though in the worlds eyes you may be suffering and withering away, inside you have the advantage of a firmer faith and a deeper love with God that could only be developed through trial. You are always the conquerer.
Here is what is revealed in our trials. What is revealed is what we treasure. When we are separated from happiness we grieve. When we are separated from health we grieve. When we are separated from easiness of life we grieve. When we are separated from what we want in life we grieve. But in all these things we are not separated from Jesus Christ This shows me my ultimate value. Ultimately I want Jesus but I also want my health and my children and my happiness and the world the way I want it. Jesus says in this world you will have troubles but he says that HE WILL BE WITH US. The Holy Spirit is the comforter who was sent to be near us every moment of every day. We are never separated from the love of Christ, no matter how dark the days, and THAT IS the treasure. And I think that is sometimes why God allows the dark days, so we remember what the treasure truly is. The treasure isnt the light of our lives, the treasure is the light of CHRIST. The goal isnt a happy world the goal is JESUS. And sometimes it is ONLY through the struggles that we realize the truest treasure in our world, otherwise we are blinded by the world. Sometimes we can only understand that we are crucified with Christ when everything in our lives is crucified and we let Jesus truly be raised in us. Psalm 73:26 says, My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. So whatever you are facing, whatever you are feeling, however dark the road may seem right now, know that in Christ we are more than conquerors. 6 And what that means is that you WILL conquer your situation. Now it might not mean you will conquer it in the way you perceive or prefer, but you will conquer. You will survive. You will thrive. That is because thriving in Jesus how thriving in the world sees it. Thriving in Jesus is always being loved by Jesus. Always being closer to Jesus. Always knowing the heart of Jesus. And that is the victory you will always win. You will conquer everything in your world because you will always have the ultimate treasure with you, and that is Jesus Christ. You are ALWAYS the conquerer.