Simple Storys 100

QA Approach
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Welcome to Our Site!
This site contains 100 original short stories about life in America. These stories are written for
ESL learners who are, at the least, high beginners.
We want to help ESL students learn English as quickly and effortlessly as possible. Learning
should be interesting, not boring. We hope that learners will find that these stories are a pleasant way
to improve their English.
The stories have interesting topics and are easy to understand. Each story is accompanied by an
audio narrative so that learners can listen as they read. The audio requires downloading the free Real
Player, at http://www.real.com/. Each story contains Search for pictures, definitions, and
pronunciation. Following each story are four sets of exercises, each containing 10 items. (To see an
example, click here to visit Story 1.)
Exercise A is Yes/No Questions. The learner is asked questions like, Does Sara have
children? The learner can then type in, Yes, she does. Then the learner can check his typed-in
answer for correctness.
Exercise B is Wh- Questions. The learner is asked questions like, Where does Sara live? The
learner can then type in, She lives in Pasadena. Then the learner can check his answer.
Exercise C is Ask Questions. The learner is given an answer like, They have two children.
[Hint: How many] The learner must then type in a question like, How many children do they
have? The learner can then check for correctness.
Exercise D is Dictation. The learner listens to a sentence. Most of the sentences duplicate the
sentences in the stories. The learner types the dictation and then checks for correctness.
This site is a work in progress. Help us make it better as the years go by. We welcome all
comments, suggestions, complaints, new ideas, and questions. Click here to send us email.
---- Rong-Chang Li & Bill Bailey
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Short Stories and Exercises for ESL Learners
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1. Sara Went Shopping

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Sara Smith, a Pasadena resident,
went shopping. She is 30, and has
lived at 3037 N. Foothill Street since
1992. Sara has been married to J ohn
for seven years. They have two
children; Bob is five years old and
Nancy is three. Sara owns a 1995
four-door blue Toyola. At 9 a.m., Sara
got into her car and drove to Barget, a
department store a mile away.
Barget was having a holiday sale.
Sara bought a four-slice toaster for
$29.95 plus tax. The regular price was
$39.95. She paid by check. On her
way home, Sara stopped at MilkPlus to
buy a gallon of nonfat milk. The milk
was $3.50. Sara got 50 cents back in
change.
Sara arrived home at 10 a.m. J ohn
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and the kids were still sleeping. She
woke them up and then made a hot
and nutritious breakfast for everyone.
Vocabulary Cloze Crossword 1 Crossword 2
A. Yes/No Questions B. Wh- Questions C. Ask Questions D.
Open Questions E. Dictation

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2. Man Injured at Fast Food
Place

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A 79-year-old man was slightly
injured on Saturday while waiting in his
brand new convertible in a drive-
through lane at Burger Prince
restaurant. Herman Sherman of
Northville suffered a mild burn about
9:00 p.m. when a young female
employee accidentally spilled a cup of
coffee into his lap. Sherman said the
coffee was hot but not scalding.
He refused medical aid, saying the
only problem was the stain on his
slacks, but it would wash out. He was
given a fresh refill. Before Sherman
drove off, the restaurant manager,
John Johnson, gave him two free gift
certificates--one for an extra-large
coffee and one for the restaurant's
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newest sandwich, the McRap.
The employee, who was a new hire,
was let go later that evening. She was
quite upset. She said she would
probably sue Burger Prince for letting
her go. She said it was the man's fault
for ordering something that she might
be able to spill.

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3. A Life-Saving Cow

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Six consecutive days of spring rain
had created a raging river running by
Nancy Browns farm. As she tried to
herd her cows to higher ground, she
slipped and hit her head on a fallen
tree trunk. The fall knocked her out for
a moment or two. When she came to,
Lizzie, one of her oldest and favorite
cows, was licking her face. The water
was rising. Nancy got up and began
walking slowly with Lizzie. The water
was now waist high. Nancys pace got
slower and slower. Finally, all she
could do was to throw her arm around
Lizzies neck and try to hang on. About
20 minutes later, Lizzie managed to
successfully pull herself and Nancy out
of the raging water and onto a bit of
high land, a small island now in the
middle of acres of white water.
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Even though it was about noon, the
sky was so dark and the rain and
lightning so bad that it took rescuers
another two hours to discover Nancy.
A helicopter lowered a paramedic, who
attached Nancy to a life-support hoist.
They raised her into the helicopter and
took her to the school gym, where the
Red Cross had set up an emergency
shelter.
When the flood subsided two days
later, Nancy immediately went back to
the island. Lizzie was gone. She was
one of 19 cows that Nancy lost. I owe
my life to her, said Nancy sobbingly.

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4. Driver Loses Mabel, Finds
Jail

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A fifteen-year-old boy was injured in
a car accident when the minivan he
was traveling in was hit by a pickup
truck at an intersection. The boy was
taken to a nearby hospital. The
paramedics said that it appeared that
the boy had nothing more serious than
a broken left leg, but that internal
injuries were always a possibility. The
boy was conscious and alert. His
mother, who was driving, was
uninjured. She said that the truck
appeared out of nowhere, and she
thought she was going to die. She
turned the steering wheel sharply to
the left, and the truck hit her minivan
on the passenger side.
The driver of the truck was a 50-
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year-old man who was unemployed
and apparently had been drinking
police found 18 empty beer cans inside
the truck. The man denied drinking, but
he failed the police test for sobriety.
When asked to touch his nose with his
arms outstretched and eyes closed, he
was unable to touch any part of his
head.
The handcuffed man asked the
police if they knew where Mabel was
as he was put into the back seat of the
police vehicle. The police asked him if
Mabel was his wife. He said, Shes my
dog, my dog! Wheres my baby? A
dog with a collar, but no identification,
was found minutes later, half a block
away. The man was taken to the city
jail and booked on suspicion of driving
while intoxicated and on causing an
accident.

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5. Jerry Decided To Buy a Gun

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Jerry Baldwin was 30 years old. He
was the manager of a pizza restaurant.
He lived in an apartment about one
mile north of the restaurant. He walked
to and from work. When it was raining,
he took the bus.
Jerry loved gangster movies. When
a new one came out, he would go to
the theater and watch the new movie
three or four times. Then, when it went
to video, Jerry would buy the video at
Barneys Video Store. Jerry had a
home collection of over 1,000 gangster
videos. Old ones, new ones, color,
black and white, English, Spanish,
Japanese--he loved them all. He could
tell you the name of the movie, the
director, the stars, and the plot. Did
you say you liked Pulp Fiction? Well,
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Jerry would rattle off all the details of
that movie. And then he would invite
you to his place to watch it some time.
He was a nice guy.
Jerry finally decided that he would
like to own a gun, just like the
gangsters. So he saved his money for
a couple of years. Then he went to a
gun store and bought a used .38
caliber revolver for $300. While there,
he also bought a couple of boxes of
ammunition. The following Saturday
morning, he went to the gun club to
practice with his new revolver. He was
in the club for only 10 minutes when
he accidentally dropped his pistol. The
gun went off, and the bullet went into
Jerrys right knee.
Jerry now walks with a limp and a
cane, just like some gangsters.

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6. Freeway Chase Ends at
Newsstand

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A 24-year-old Los Angeles man
was taken to a hospital and then to
county jail after leading police on a
one-hour freeway chase in a stolen
SUV. The chase ended in downtown
Los Angeles in front of the Spring
Hotel. Most of the chase was
uneventful, except for an empty bottle
of whiskey that the driver threw at one
police vehicle.
When the driver got into downtown,
things started to happen. He ran over a
fire hydrant. The water spewed out of
the hydrant, causing a geyser that
ruined all the books in several carts
that a vendor had put outside to attract
customers into his bookstore. The
driver hurriedly turned west onto Grand
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Avenue and managed to bang into
three parked cars on one side of that
street and two cars on the other side.
The driver also tried to run over a
police officer, who was standing in the
crosswalk ordering him to halt.
Turning north, the driver caused a
bus to slam on its brakes to avoid a
collision. The bus was empty, and the
bus driver was uninjured. However,
two police cars that were pursuing the
SUV from different directions were not
so lucky. One of them ran into the front
of the bus, and the other into the back.
Because the drivers had braked early
enough, the damage to their cars was
minor. Both officers resumed the
chase.
They only went two blocks north to
find that the SUV had come to a full
stop because it had plowed into a
newspaper stand. The driver, who was
not wearing a seatbelt, was slumped
behind the steering wheel. The
proprietor of the newsstand was yelling
at the driver and shaking a magazine
at him. The police called for the
ambulance. They charged the driver
with failure to yield to a police officer
and driving under the influence.
A. Yes/No Questions B. Wh- Questions C. Ask
Questions D. Open Questions E. Dictation
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7. Better To Be Unlucky

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Sam, an unemployed piano tuner,
said it was only the second thing he
had ever won in his life. The first thing
was an Afghan blanket at a church
raffle when he was 25 years old. But
this was much bigger: it was $120,000!
He had won the Big Cube, a state
lottery game. To win, a contestant
must first guess which number a
spinning cube will stop on. The cube
has six numbers on it: 1X, 10X, 50X,
100X, 500X, and 1000X. If he is
correct, the contestant must then
guess which of two selected variables
is going to be greater. So, just
guessing which number appears on
the cube does not guarantee that you
will win any money.
Sam correctly guessed 1000X, but
he still had to choose between two
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variables. One variable was the
number of cars that would run the stop
sign at Hill Street and Lake Avenue in
six hours. The other variable was the
number of times that a teenage boy
would change TV channels in a three-
hour period. This was a tough
decision.
Finally, Sam flipped a coin. It came
up heads, so Sam picked the
teenager. He picked right. The stop
sign was run only 76 times, but the
teen clicked 120 times. Sixty-year-old
Sam jumped for joy, for he had just
won 1000 times 120, or $120,000.
Sam dreamily left the lottery studio.
Talking excitedly on his cell phone
while crossing the street, he got hit by
a little sports car.
Sam is slowly getting better. He
was in the hospital for a month. His
hospital bill was $110,000. And the
insurance company for the little sports
cars owner sued Sam for $9,000
worth of repairs. Also, Sam still has to
pay federal taxes on his winnings. Sam
doesnt play the state lottery any more.
He says its better to be unlucky.
Questions D. Open Questions E. Dictation
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8. Food Fight Erupted in
Prison

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Inmates released two correctional
officers they had held for a week in the
tower at the state prison complex. The
inmates captured the officers a week
ago after the two officers tried to quell
a food fight in the main dining room.
The food fight erupted when the
prisoners discovered that their candy
ration had been cut in half. The candy
is a popular bartering item. Inmates
trade it for cigarettes, cigars,
magazines, stationery, legal
dictionaries, and other items. Prison
officials said it was necessary to cut
back on this luxury item in order to
provide basic items, like soap and
razors and toilet paper.
The prisoners went berserk over the
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reduction. They threw food, plates, and
silverware at the doors, windows, and
guards. Then they grabbed two guards
and hauled them up to the tower. Once
they had the tower door secured, they
sent messages to prison officials
demanding big bags of candy in
exchange for sparing the guards lives.
The warden complied with their
demands. After a week of negotiations,
the prisoners approved a deal which
restored their candy ration, but in
return the administration said they
would have to reduce daily soap
allotments by 75 percent.
Vocabulary Cloze Crossword 1
Crossword 2
Questions D. Dictation

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9. Wanted To Know How His
Pigs Doing

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Two mayors made a bet on the
outcome of the Vegetable Bowl, the
annual football game between their
high school teams. If Arvadas team
lost, the mayor of Arvada would send
the mayor of Boulder ten pounds of
sliced potatoes, ready for frying. If
Boulders team lost, the mayor would
send ten pounds of sliced tomatoes,
ready for sandwiches or salads.
Unfortunately, before the game
started, the mayor of Boulder
overheard the Arvada mayor tell
someone: They grow the worst
tomatoes. If they lose and send us
their tomatoes, Im going to give them
all to my pig. The mayor of Boulder
was upset to hear this, because he
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thought Boulders tomatoes were the
best in the state. So he gave the
matter some thought.
The following week, the big game
was played. Boulder lost its star
quarterback in the first half when he
tripped over a cheerleader and
sprained his big toe. The quarterback
glumly watched the rest of the game
from the bench. His team ended up
losing, 38 to 12. The two mayors
shook hands after the game, and the
Arvada mayor said, Im really looking
forward to those tomatoes. As the
Boulder team left the stadium, some
unhappy fans threw ripe tomatoes at
them.
A week later, the mayor of Arvada
received a package of beautifully sliced
tomatoes. He took them straight to his
pig, which gobbled them right up. That
night the mayor of Boulder asked his
wife if Arvadas mayor had called. No,
she said. Why? Because I mixed a
pint of hot sauce into the tomatoes and
I wanted to know how his pigs doing.
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10. Goats Being Hired

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Goats are being hired to do the
work of men in a neighborhood just
outside of San Diego. The fires that
occurred in Hillborough four years ago
destroyed thirty homes, most of which
have been rebuilt. While contractors
were rebuilding the homes, nature was
regrowing the grasses, bushes, and
shrubs. The area is now so overgrown
in brush that it again poses a major fire
hazard.
The city council asked for bids to
remove the brush. The lowest bid they
received was $50,000. And that was if
the city provided breakfast and lunch
for the work crews for the six weeks it
would take to clear the overgrown
area. The city countered, offering
unlimited coffee (black only) and a
doughnut a day for each crew
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member. When that offer was rejected,
the city asked for help on its website.
A sheepherder in Montana and a
goatherder in San Bernardino read
about the citys plight while surfing the
web on their laptops. They both offered
to do the job for $25,000. The council
chose the goatherder because he lived
closer. When told that the city dump
was overflowing, the goatherder said,
No problem. My goats will eat
everything in your dump. Except for the
automobile engines, of course. So, for
another $5,000, the city killed two birds
with one stone. If all goes well, they
will invite the goatherder and his
family back every three years. The
goatherder said he will probably visit
San Diego while his goats are in the
dump. I want to take one of those
hang-glider rides. I just hope we dont
crash. My goats would miss me a lot,
he said.
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11. A Missing Cat

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The owner of a missing cat is
asking for help. My baby has been
missing for over a month now, and I
want him back so badly, said Mrs.
Brown, a 56-year-old woman. Mrs.
Brown lives by herself in a trailer park
near Clovis. She said that Clyde, her
7-year-old cat, didnt come home for
dinner more than a month ago. The
next morning he didnt appear for
breakfast either. After Clyde missed an
extra-special lunch, she called the
police.
When the policeman asked her to
describe Clyde, she told him that Clyde
had beautiful green eyes, had all his
teeth but was missing half of his left
ear, and was seven years old and
completely white. She then told the
officer that Clyde was about a foot
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high.
A bell went off. Is Clyde your child
or your pet? the officer suspiciously
asked. Well, hes my cat, of course,
Mrs. Brown replied. Lady, youre
supposed to report missing
PERSONS, not missing CATS, said
the irritated policeman. Well, who can
I report this to? she asked. You cant.
You have to ask around your
neighborhood or put up flyers, replied
the officer.
Mrs. Brown figured that a billboard
would work a lot better than an 8x11
piece of paper on a telephone pole.
There was an empty billboard at the
end of her street just off the interstate
highway. The billboard had a phone
number on it. She called that number,
and they told her they could blow up a
picture of Clyde (from Mrs. Browns
family album) and put it on the
billboard for all to see.
But how can people see it when
they whiz by on the interstate? she
asked. Oh, dont worry, maam, they
only whiz by between 2 a.m. and 5:30
a.m. The rest of the day, the interstate
is so full of commuters that no one
moves. They told her it would cost
only $3,000 a month. So she took
most of the money out of her savings
account and rented the billboard for a
month.
The month has passed, but Clyde
has not appeared. Because she has
almost no money in savings, Mrs.
Brown called the local newspaper to
see if anyone could help her rent the
billboard for just one more month. She
is waiting but, so far, no one has
stepped forward.
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12. Book Him

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A man accused of failing to return
more than 700 childrens books to five
different libraries in the county was
released from jail yesterday after a
book publisher agreed to post his bond
of $1,000. The publisher said, Theres
a story here. This is a man who loves
books. He just cant let go of them. He
hasnt stolen a single book. So whats
the crime? We think that Mr. Barush
has a story to tell. We plan to publish
his story.
When asked why he didnt return
the books, Mr. Barush said, Well, how
could I? They became family to me. I
was afraid to return them, because I
knew that kids or dogs would get hold
of these books and chew them up,
throw them around, rip the pages, spill
soda on them, get jam and jelly on
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them, and drown them in the toilet.
He continued, Books are people,
too! They talk to you, they take care of
you, and they enrich you with wisdom
and humor and love. A book is my
guest in my home. How could I kick it
out? I repaired torn pages. I dusted
them with a soft clean cloth. I turned
their pages so they could breathe and
get some fresh air.
Every week I reorganized them on
their shelves so they could meet new
friends. My books were HAPPY books.
You could tell just by looking at them.
Now theyre all back in the library, on
the lower shelves, on the floors, at the
mercy of all those runny-nosed kids. I
can hear them calling me! I need to
rescue them. Excuse me. I have to go
now.
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13. Water Under the Sink (Part
One)

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The 36-year-old bachelor ate his
usual lunch at home. He had an apple,
a ham sandwich with a sliced dill
pickle, a bowl of chicken noodle soup
with a couple of soda crackers, and a
small candy bar, all washed down with
an eight-ounce glass of milk.
After he finished breakfast, Ed put
everything in the sink, poured a little
dishwashing soap onto a Teflon pad,
and scrubbed the soup bowl, the
sandwich plate, and the milk glass.
Then he switched on the garbage
disposal to grind up the few bits of
food that he had scraped off his plate.
He left the kitchen to go brush his
teeth. But he felt something wet on his
bare foot. Sure enough, he looked
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down and saw some water on the
kitchen carpet. What is this? he said
aloud.
Opening the cabinet door under the
sink, he saw no dripping water. He
went to the closet and got a flashlight.
When he shined the light into the
cabinet under the sink, he saw drops
of water on the sides of the dark blue
steel cylinder. It looked like he had a
leaky garbage disposal. To test his
theory, he turned on the switch, and a
stream of water flowed out of a seam
onto the cabinet floor and then onto
the kitchen carpet. Ed had a problem,
but he didnt have time to fix it now. He
had to run some errands. He put some
tape over the switch so he couldnt
accidentally turn the disposal on again.
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14. Water Under the Sink (Part
Two)

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Ed came home from his errands
and put the groceries into the
cupboard and the refrigerator. He
grabbed a flathead screwdriver and a
pair of pliers from his toolbox. In the
kitchen, he got down on his hands and
knees and turned on the flashlight.
After a couple of minutes of looking, he
decided what to do. He had never
opened up a disposal before, but there
is a first time for everything.
The cylindrical disposal was about 7
inches in diameter and had a
horizontal seam dividing the top half
from the bottom half. The halves were
held together by three screws. Ed
jiggled the bottom half of the disposal;
it was loose because two of the three
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screws were corroded. Only one screw
was still doing its duty. Ed unscrewed
it.
The bottom half of the disposal was
now lying on the cabinet floor. Ed
thought for sure that it would be full of
months-old food, but there was no
food, only a hardened, torn, useless
gasket. The next day Ed went to the
hardware store to buy some screws
and a new gasket. The employee told
him that they did not carry those
gaskets and suggested that he write to
the manufacturer. Ed returned home.
He created his own gasket by using
gasket sealant that comes in a tube.
He applied the sealant, screwed the
two halves back together, and crossed
his fingers.
The next day he turned on the
water and switched on the disposal.
When he saw the water pouring out of
the seam, Ed knew one thing: it was
time to buy a new disposal. The good
thing was that new disposals started at
$79. The bad thing was that it would
have to be installed by a plumber.
Plumber rates started at about $80 an
hour. Ed decided that since the
disposal used a lot of energy and the
world needed to use less energy, from
now on he would put his scraps into
the kitchen garbage bag. He reminded
himself to tell everyone at work
tomorrow about how he was now
helping to solve the worlds energy
problems.
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15. Theft Occurs Everywhere

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An elderly woman told the police
that, as she entered a restroom, she
was jostled by a woman behind her. A
few minutes later, as she was about to
pay for a moustache remover at a
nearby store, she discovered that her
wallet was missing from her purse.
Apparently the woman who had
bumped into her had cleverly stolen
her wallet. This type of theft is called
pick-pocketing.
Perhaps an even more personal
kind of theft is known as
housebreaking, or burglary. After such
an intrusion, the victims often report a
feeling of violation. They seldom regain
the comfort and security level they
used to have in their home. They
constantly feel like they are being
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watched; they feel that if they go out,
the burglars will again come in. They
feel uncomfortable when they are
home, and they feel uncomfortable
when they arent home.
Burglars get lucky or make their
own luck. Sometimes homeowners
forget to lock all their windows or
doors. Sometimes burglars will break a
window, cut through a screen door, or
force open a side door.
Thieves have no shame. They will
steal from anyone that they think is
vulnerable. Of course, that means the
elderly are their frequent victims. Some
thieves are very clever; some are very
lucky. All of them make an honest
persons life more difficult. Its too bad
that all of them cant be caught and
converted into honest people.
Imagine that: a world with no
larceny, a world where you can park
your bicycle unsecured on the
sidewalk, or leave your purse
unattended in your shopping cart. Is
this only a dream? Some say that if
you can dream about it, it can happen.
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16. Eggs and a Bunny

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Easter Sunday was a cloudy but
festive day in Memorial Park for about
100 kids from local orphanages. An
Easter egg hunt started at 10 a.m.
when a fire engine blasted its horn.
Boys and girls, ranging in age from 2
to 6, dashed throughout the park,
yelling and screaming, walking and
running, and quite often, falling down.
One little girl, Amanda, found her first
egg less than a minute after the horn
blew. Instead of putting it into her
basket and continuing to search for
more, she sat down. Then she spent
the next 10 minutes examining it,
unwrapping it, and eating it piece by
piece. When she finished, she put the
wrapper into her basket, wiped her
hands on her white dress, and went to
hunt for another egg.
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Meanwhile Jeff, one of the older
boys, filled his basket to overflowing.
He asked one of the firemen to hold it
for him, and then took off running for
more candy eggs. As soon as he
found some, he put them into the
basket of the child closest to him. Two
little toddlers both saw a candy egg at
the same time, and they both bent over
to pick it up. They banged heads, and
both of them sat down bawling. A
couple of volunteer nurses picked them
up and told them that everything was
going to be all right.
By 11 a.m., the search was over.
Most of the kids were studying their
candy, exchanging it with others, or
eating it. But then the fire engine horn
blasted again, causing three-year-old
Jenny to cry. A fireman on a bullhorn
told everyone to gather around,
because a special guest had arrived.
Once everyone was settled, the
Easter Bunny climbed down out of the
fire engine. The bunny was 66 tall.
Most of the kids cheered and ran
toward him. Even Jenny stopped
crying for a moment. She stared at the
bunny and at all the kids running
toward the bunny; then she started
crying even harder. The Easter Bunny
hugged the kids, and they hugged him.
Then the Easter Bunny sat on a fire
engine step, and one by one the kids
came up, sat on his lap, and got their
pictures taken. After that, the older kids
were allowed to explore the fire engine
itself.
The festivities ended about 3 p.m.,
when the orphans climbed into the
buses for the return trip home. Most of
them said they had a fun time. Six-
year-old Sara asked, Can we do this
every Sunday? And more than one
boy asked, Can I drive the fire engine
next time?
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17. Hotel Says Goodbye to
Clean Couple

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Theodore, the manager of the
Paradise Hotel, told a middle-aged
couple that they would have to leave
the hotel after just one night. The
couple, visiting from Texas, had
booked a room for eight nights.
They wanted a sterile
environment, Theodore said. They
should have rented a room in a
hospital, maybe an operating room.
This hotel is clean, but it isnt that
clean.
Theodore said that, on the very first
day, the couple brought all the sheets,
pillowcases, and bedspreads down to
the main lobby and just dropped them
next to the front desk. They stood
there next to this pile of bedding while
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other guests looked, pointed, and
murmured. The hotel got three
cancellations within the hour from
people who witnessed this strange
event.
When Theodore asked the couple
what the problem was, they said that
their bedding was filthy and they
wanted it replaced. The couple could
not identify any specific filth on the
bedding. The wife just said, Were
paying good money to stay here. How
dare you doubt us? We know the filth
is there. Thats all the proof you need.
Theodore called room service, and the
bedding was replaced immediately.
Early the next evening, however,
the couple marched to the front desk
again and demanded seven cans of
spray disinfectant. We need a can for
each night. We have to spray the
phone, the TV, all the door handles,
the toilet handle, the shower stall, the
faucet, the sink, and any hotel staff
entering our room.
Worried about what their demands
might be in the following days,
Theodore politely suggested that a
hotel more suitable for them was just
around the corner. He then called
ahead to reserve a very clean room,
and gave them free transportation in
the hotel limousine.
They seemed surprised that I
suggested a different hotel, but they
liked the idea that I didnt charge them
for the second day, and they really
liked the limousine service, said
Theodore.
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18. $100 Deposit

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The well-dressed, gray-haired
woman was crying her eyes out. She
had just been fined $100 by the judge
because a month ago her dog made a
mess on the front lawn of the
courthouse.
I just got out of the cab and I
leashed Poopsie to the light pole. After
I paid the fare and gave the driver a
dollar tip, I turned around and saw that
Poopsie had made a mess. I didnt
have any plastic bags, so I said, Well,
Poopsie, lets go home. Theres
nothing I can do about this now.
We were just starting home when I
heard this voice out of nowhere:
Excuse me, maam. Is that your dog?
I turned around. It was an officer of the
law. Well, of course, it was my dog.
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That dog just made an illegal deposit
on the courthouse lawn. As its owner,
its your responsibility to dispose of
that deposit. See the sign over there?
Im going to have to write you a
citation.
I asked him what sign he was
talking about. He pointed all the way
down to the end of the block. One little
sign, a block away! How could anyone
see that? I couldnt see that sign with
my best opera glasses. The officer
said that I could fight the ticket. He
said the judge was a nice old man who
owned four dogs. So I said, OK, thank
you, Ill fight the ticket.
So when I went to court, I dressed
Poopsie up in his prettiest ribbons and
made extra sure he did his business
first. We were both so excited. I just
knew the judge and Poopsie would hit
it off.
But do you know what happened
when we got inside? They had a
different judge, a judge who is allergic
to dogs, and he immediately started
sniffling, coughing, sneezing, and
looking around. And then he yelled at
me to get the dog out of the
courtroom. He fined me $100 on the
way out without even giving me a
chance to talk about Poopsies chronic
dyspepsia. It was terrible! Im still
upset.
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19. Books Dont Grow on
Trees

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A local community college professor
decided to fight back. The price of
books for our students is just getting
higher and higher and, combined with
the rising cost of tuition, its killing
these kids, said Peter Jason, Ph.D.
Remember, students are one of the
poorest groups of people in America.
Almost half of them have at least one
part-time job. In fact, one of my
students has three jobs. She is a part-
time sales clerk at a clothing store
three days a week, then works three
evenings a week as a pizza cook, and
on weekends she does manicures at a
beauty salon. And she still manages to
have a high GPA and go to school full-
time.
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Textbook prices are traditionally
high. Adding to that problem, many
college instructors change textbooks
year after year; they either upgrade to
a new edition or switch to an entirely
different textbook. This further hurts
students because if an instructor no
longer uses a particular textbook, that
book has no resale value.
Dr. Jason decided to make life a
little easier and a lot cheaper for his
students by writing his own book on
public speaking. Many books have an
increased price because of bells and
whistles: CD-ROMs, lots of color
photographs, and lots of graphics. I
talked to my students, and many of
them, like me, prefer to keep things
simple. So, during a sabbatical a few
years ago, I wrote my own textbook. I
made sure that it wasnt long-winded. I
called it Successful Public Speaking:
How To Be Brief, Concise, and to the
Point.
Compared to most other public
speaking primers, mine is half the
number of pages, and one-third the
price. That is, $30 instead of $90. Plus,
it is published in a three-ring binder
format. So, when I wrote a second
edition last year, students only had to
buy the 35 new pages and delete 35 of
the original pages. For only $7.00, they
had upgraded to the new edition. Ive
had great feedback from my students
about this loose-leaf concept. Maybe
the word will get out, and more writers
and publishers will try it.
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20. A Murder-Suicide

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A man and a woman died in an
apparent murder-suicide last night in
Altadena. The man was 74-year-old
Dominic Vittorio. The woman was his
70-year-old wife, Victoria. The couple
had been married for 50 years. In fact,
their 50th anniversary occurred just a
month ago, according to their next-
door neighbor, Mrs. Allen. The couple
was childless and had no close friends.
Mr. Vittorio was a retired carpenter
who had emphysema and was blind in
one eye because of a cataract. His
wife was a diabetic who had already
had one foot amputated because of
complications from the disease. Her
eyesight was almost completely gone.
They were such a nice couple,
said Mrs. Allen. Ive lived next to them
for the last 20 years or so. Im
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widowed, and Dom always used to
help me with things like changing light
bulbs and fixing appliances. They had
no kids, but they were always friendly
to the neighborhood kids. Every
Halloween they handed out tons of
candy and fresh fruit. But about eight
years ago Vicky came down with
diabetes, and things just havent been
the same for her or Dom. They used to
be so friendly and full of life, and then
they just seemed to get quieter and
quieter.
She used to come over to my
place once or twice a week, and we
would talk about all kinds of things and
have the nicest time. But that
happened less and less as she got
sicker. So I would go over to her house
about once a week and we would talk.
But the conversations steadily got
shorter, and she seemed to lose
interest in listening and in talking. She
didnt say it, but you could tell she was
in a lot of pain.
Mrs. Allen said she hadnt even
talked to either of the Vittorios in
almost a year. They never came out.
Even food was delivered to them by a
local agency. She said she heard two
gunshots last nightIt scared me half
to death! She immediately called the
police. Such a sad ending for such
nice people, she said. Together in
sickness, but alone in the world.
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21. City Welcomes New Store
and Its Owners

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The city of Armada opened its arms
to a new business on Huntington Drive
at First Street. The store, called Turtle
Dove, is a pet shop specializing in two
kinds of animals. The owners are two
brothers, Bill and Bob Pidgin. They
moved here from the northern
California town of Santa Rosa, where
they owned an ant farm store called
Antimal House. That store was such a
success that after five years they sold
it for a big profit.
They took it easy for a couple of
years, traveling throughout the states.
We visited almost every zoo in the
country, partly because we love
animals and partly because we were
looking for inspiration for our next
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business, said Bill. They finally
decided on turtles and doves. Theyre
easy to feed and care for, and both
animals live a long time, said Bob.
The store will be open from 9:00
a.m. to 9:00 p.m. Wednesdays through
Saturdays. We think those are hours
that our customers will find very
convenient. Plus, the three days off
gives us a chance to go into the woods
and find more critters. We never buy
our animals; we always try to collect
them from the wild. That way we can
pass on huge savings to our
customers. And, of course, by
removing these animals from their
natural habitat, we protect them from
being devoured by their natural
enemies. So our customers are happy,
our animals are happy, and were
happy. Its a win-win for all of us.
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22. Mayor Denies Hit-and-Run
Charge

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The mayor of Sacrapinto, J.K. Choi,
35, was charged with hit-and-run
driving last night by the town sheriff. A
freshly killed calf was discovered lying
in the middle of Arlington Drive at
about 10:00 p.m. A witness, 20-year-
old Emily Parker, said she saw the car
hit the calf and keep going. She didnt
see the driver but she did recognize
the hood ornament on the cara pair
of bull horns.
Oh, yes, Emily said, I know thats
the mayors car. Its the only car in
town with bull horns on the hood.
Asked how she could see the bull
horns at night, she replied, Oh, didnt
you know? A couple of months ago the
mayor got his horns neonized, so they
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have this soft purple glow at night.
Theyre really cool-looking.
The sheriff drove over to the
mayors house, which is about five
miles from city hall, and found the
mayor washing his 1972 Kadillac. He
asked why the mayor was washing his
car so late at night. Because thats
when theres no hot sun that causes
the car to dry so fast that you have sun
streaks. Dont you know anything,
sheriff?
The sheriff pointed out that one of
the horns was broken at the tip. When
did that happen? he asked. When did
what happen? Choi asked. Oh, good
grief! I never even noticed that! Do you
know how expensive these horns are?
They dont grow on trees, you know. I
wonder if I can find the missing piece
and superglue it back on.
The sheriff then showed the mayor
the tip of a bull horn. Do you think this
is the missing piece? The mayor was
astounded. He looked at it, turned it
over in his hands, and then placed it
on the horn, where it fit perfectly.
Thats fantastic, sheriff! Thank you so
much! Where did you find it?
Where did I find it? It was next to
Farmer Browns calf that you killed
back there about an hour ago. The
mayors mouth dropped open. Calf!
What calf? What are you talking
about? I had no idea. I thought I hit a
speed bump. What was his calf doing
out in the middle of the road in the
middle of the night?
Well settle this in court. Im an
innocent man. By the way, get that calf
over to Lesters butcher shop right
now. Well have us a big barbecue
tomorrow at city hall. And dont forget
to invite Farmer Brown. I know hell
forgive me after he tastes Lesters
world-famous rib eye.
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23. Gasoline Prices Hit Record
High

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Residents of southern California are
trying to get used to skyrocketing
prices for gasoline. The average price
for 87 octane economy gas is $2.22,
almost 30 percent higher today than it
was 12 months ago. The lowest gas
price in the Southland right now is
$2.09 a gallon at the Seashell station
in Arcadia. The station manager,
Everett, said the reason his gas is
cheaper than elsewhere is that he
bought a lot of gas two years ago at
reduced prices, so he is passing his
savings on to his customers.
The lines at the Seashell station
often run 10 to 20 vehicles long. The
police have been here several times
because cars block traffic on Horsetrail
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Drive. Everett said, I tell people in line
that the Barco station a block away is
only $2.14, but theyd rather wait and
save 5 cents. Its OK with me, of
course. I dont mind making money.
A young man pumping gas said he
had waited in line for 20 minutes.
When asked why he didnt go a block
away where there were no lines, he
said, Every penny counts. When I
bought this 99 Bummer, gas was only
$1 a gallon, which was pretty cheap.
So, even though I only get eight miles
per gallon, I wasnt paying that much to
fill my tank. But todays prices are
killing me. I drive to work, and I drive
to the grocery store. Thats it. I used to
drive around the neighborhood just to
show off my wheels, but I cant do that
any more.
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24. A Festival of Books

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People joke that no one in Los
Angeles reads; everyone watches TV,
rents videos, or goes to the movies.
The most popular reading material is
comic books, movie magazines, and
TV guides. City libraries have only 10
percent of the traffic that car washes
have. But how do you explain this? An
annual book festival in west Los
Angeles is sold out year after year.
People wait half an hour for a parking
space to become available.
This outdoor festival, sponsored by
a newspaper, occurs every April for
one weekend. This years attendance
was estimated at 70,000 on Saturday
and 75,000 on Sunday. The festival
featured 280 exhibitors. There were
about 90 talks given by authors, with
an audience question-and-answer
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period following each talk. Autograph
seekers sought out more than 150
authors. A food court sold all kinds of
popular and ethnic foods, from
American hamburgers to Hawaiian
shave ice drinks. Except for a $7
parking fee, the festival was free. Even
so, some people avoided the food
court prices by sneaking in their own
sandwiches and drinks.
People came from all over
California. One couple drove down
from San Francisco. This is our sixth
year here now. We love it, said the
husband. Its just fantastic to be in the
great outdoors, to be among so many
books and authors, and to get some
very good deals, too.
The idea for the festival occurred
years ago, but nobody knew if it would
succeed. Although book festivals were
already popular in other US cities,
would Los Angeles residents embrace
one? Angelenos are very
unpredictable, said one of the festival
founders.
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25. Crazy Housing Prices

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Homebuyers nationwide are
watching housing prices go up, up, and
up. How high can they go? is the
question on everyones lips. As long
as interest rates stay around 5 percent,
theres no telling, remarked one
realtor in Santa Monica, California.
Its crazy, said Tim, who is looking
for a house near the beach. In 1993, I
bought my first place, a two-bedroom
condominium in Venice, for $70,000.
My friends thought then that I was
overpaying. Five years later, I had to
move. I sold it for $230,000, which was
a nice profit. Last year, while visiting
friends here, I saw in the local paper
that the exact same condo was for
sale for $510,000!
It is a sellers market. Homebuyers
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feel like they have to offer at least 10
percent more than the asking price.
Donna, a new owner of a one-
bedroom condo in Venice Beach, said,
Thats what I did. I told the owner that
whatever anyone offers you, Ill give
you $20,000 more, under the table, so
you dont have to pay your realtor any
of it. I was tired of looking.
Tim says he hopes he doesnt get
that desperate. Whether you decide to
buy or decide not to buy, you still feel
like you made the wrong decision. If
you buy, you feel like you overpaid. If
you dont buy, you want to kick
yourself for passing up a great
opportunity.
Everyone says the bubble has to
burst sometime, but everyone hopes it
will burst the day after they sell their
house. Even government officials have
no idea what the future will bring. All
we can say is that, inevitably, these
things go in cycles, said the state
director of housing. What goes up
must come down. But, as we all know,
housing prices always stay up a little
higher than they go down. So you cant
lose over the long run. Twenty years
down the road, your house is always
worth more than you paid for it.
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26. Happy and Unhappy
Renters

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Samantha, like many renters, is
tired of renting. One reason is that her
annual rent goes up like clockwork.
Every year her landlord raises the rent
five percent. Another reason is her
neighbors. New neighbors always
seem to be more inconsiderate than
the ones who moved out, she said.
My first neighbor was a door-slammer;
I always knew when he came home or
left home. After he moved out, a
saxophonist moved in. A saxophonist!
He practiced two hours a day. On
Saturday his friends would come over
and Id get to listen to a whole band. I
called the police, but they said
saxophone playing is permitted in
apartments for up to four hours a day,
because saxophone playing is job-
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related. They told me I was lucky that
the guy was only playing two hours a
day!
There are many unhappy renters,
but there are also happy renters. Ive
been lucky my whole life, said
Howard, a middle-aged man. My
neighbors couldnt have been any
better if I had picked them myself. One
neighbor was a chef. Hed bring me
the best leftovers in the world. Another
neighbor was a pianist. She played the
most delightful music. Another
neighbor was a mechanic who did my
tune-ups and changed the oil in my
car. My latest neighbor is a birder; we
go birding every weekend with our
binoculars.
Different persons have different
attitudes. Samantha saw the
saxophone player as irritating, yet
Howard saw the piano player as
delightful. Millions of people would be
happy just to have a roof over their
head. Yet there are millions who would
complain that their roof is the wrong
color.
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27. Pulling Out Nine Tons of
Trash

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A work crew consisting of 150
volunteers worked for eight hours in a
light drizzle on Saturday to clean
Carson Creek of almost nine tons of
debris. A job well done, smiled Alan
Specter, the director of the event.
Were scheduled to come back here
one more time, three years from now.
Of course, we hope that there wont be
nine tons of garbage next time.
The garbage came in all shapes,
sizes, and colors: cans, bottles,
bicycles, car tires, auto batteries,
sofas, furniture, clothing, shopping
carts, bowling balls, plastic bags, dolls,
baby carriages, TV antennas, and
portable radios. There was even a golf
bag with a full set of golf clubs.
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Much of the backbreaking work was
done by two community groupsthe
Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts, and two
environmental groupsSave the Bay
and Watch the Whales. Concerned
retirees and volunteers from police and
fire departments assisted. Everyone
was issued boots, gloves, and rain
gear. The work occurred along a two-
mile stretch of streambed. The debris
was hauled roadside, where trucks
lined up to take the trash to the landfill.
More than 500 big yellow trash bags
were filled.
No one found anything of great
value, although a five-year-old boy
found an earring that he thought might
be worth a million dollars because it
was so shiny. He said he would sell it.
Then he would donate half of the
proceeds to Watch the Whales, and
use the other half to buy a triple-scoop
ice cream cone every day for the rest
of his life.
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28. Cloning Pets

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A company in Phoenix, Arizona,
says that it can now clone your cat.
Actually, said Felix Lee, President of
Twice Is Nice, Inc., you dont even
have to wait until your beloved cat
dies. We already have clients whose
clone lives with its donor.
The price is steep. A clone of your
cat will cost $50,000. First, your
veterinarian must do a biopsy of your
cat. This is sent to TwIN, Inc., where it
is cultured to grow fresh new cells.
These new cells are stored in liquid
nitrogen until you notify TwIN, Inc., that
you are ready for the clone. At this
time, you pay half the amount
($25,000). A cultured cell is implanted
into a female cat that is in estrus, and
if all goes well, a kitten is born about
60 days later. The new kitten is
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weaned in about eight weeks. TwIN,
Inc. delivers the kitten to you after it
receives the remaining $25,000.
We are a growing company, said
Lee. Our facility can handle about a
dozen births a year now, but our goal
is to produce about 50 kittens and 50
puppies a year. The company is
currently experimenting with stray
dogs. Some canine clones seem to be
perfect, but some have been bizarre.
Nevertheless, Lee believes that they
will be successfully cloning dogs in
about a year.
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29. Rentals at the Oceanside
Community

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The oceanside community of
Lozano Beach is debating whether to
allow homeowners to rent out their
homes on a weekly basis during the
summer. Such rentals produce high
incomes for the owners and the city,
which gets part of this income through
a 15-percent surcharge to the owner.
This can be a boon to our coffers,
said Rick Brown, city manager. In the
summer, homeowners can bring in
$2,000 a week or more.
However, these rentals can also be
a can of worms. The city stopped
allowing weekly rentals 10 years ago
because of the problems they were
generating. Two, three, or even four
families would pile into a two- or three-
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bedroom house. Then they would park
their cars on the lawn and produce
huge amounts of trash. Sometimes
they would toss this trash on the
streets and sidewalks.
Noise would be another problem.
Some people would party late and loud
every night. This abuse created a lot of
friction with neighbors and resulted in
extra work for city maintenance crews
and for police, who had to respond
almost hourly to residents complaints
about noise, music, trash, and parking
problems. But now, the citys budget
problems are making it reconsider its
ban.
City officials will hold a community
meeting next week to listen to the pros
and cons. One official has already
suggested a proposal. He thinks that a
fine might work. If the city has to
respond to complaints, the homeowner
will be charged $200 per response.
Such a fine might cause the
homeowner to be careful to rent only
to people that he is sure will be
considerate of the neighbors. The city
would still get 15 percent of the rental
fee, even if the homeowners rent were
totally offset by fines. The city would
post inconsiderate renters names on
the city website so that other
homeowners would know about them.
Some officials think the ban should
be continued because these visitors to
the community have already proven
that they have no consideration for
others. Their money isnt worth the
headaches they cause.
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30. Trees Are a Threat

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The mountain town of Canton is at
an elevation of 6,000 feet. It is
surrounded by thick underbrush and
pine trees. Because of six years of
drought, these plants are a major fire
hazard. Thousands of trees and tons
of underbrush are going to be removed
over the next five years at a minimum
cost of $3 million. The brush will be
removed first, then the trees will be
toppled and removed. A cleared
nonflammable area will then safely
surround the town of 4,000.
Residents look forward to the work,
because it will help their town survive a
future inferno. But there are two
problems, said one resident. All the
extra trucks are going to make traffic
pretty bad. Once the area is cleared,
we have to make sure dirt bikers dont
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try to make the cleared area their
personal playground.
A recent fire burned 4,000 acres
and destroyed 11 homes in nearby
Hamilton. The fire was raging toward
Canton, but a sudden rainstorm put it
out. Residents know that they wont
get lucky twice, so they are looking
forward to this massive clearing
operation.
Ninety percent of the cutting and
clearing will be paid with federal funds.
Unfortunately, if the trees are on
private property, they must be paid for
by the residents themselves. Prices
can range as high as $1,000 to cut
and remove one tree. Officials say that
residents can apply for state and
federal loans if necessary.
Well, what good does that do me?
asked Thelma, a 65-year-old widow.
Im living on social security. Ive got
four trees on my property. The
governments not going to loan me
money when they know theres no way
I can pay it back. So what am I
supposed to do? These planners with
all their big ideas ought to think of the
little people.
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31. Gets Booked, Writes a
Book

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A man convicted of writing bad
checks to casinos has written a book
that he predicts will become a national
bestseller. Entitled A Casino Is Born
Every Minute, the 250-page book
details James Duncans successful
and unsuccessful attempts to beat
casinos. Duncan is serving a five-year
sentence for grand larceny in the Las
Vegas city jail. He wrote 18 bogus
checks, ranging in value from $3,000
to $10,000, at 17 different casinos. My
only mistake was cashing that last
check at the same casino I had cashed
the first check at, said Duncan. They
were waiting for me.
Duncan only has a few months left
before he is released from the jail.
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During his incarceration, he used the
library facilities and computers to write
his book. He completed the book two
months ago and is now shopping it
around to various publishers.
Books about gambling and casinos
are very popular. People like to read
about gangsters, beautiful women,
flashy cars, posh hotels, and the
exciting possibilities of winning it all
and losing it all. Duncan says he was
the first card-counter in Las Vegas. He
claims that he made almost $1 million
at blackjack. Then, other card sharks
started copying his technique.
They abused the system, said
Duncan. They got greedy. If theyd
been like me, and just won some here
and there, different places, and
different nights, the casinos wouldnt
have gotten suspicious so fast. When
the casinos realized what was going
on, they started using two or more
decks at the blackjack tables to thwart
the counters. They escorted out
anyone they suspected of counting
cards.
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32. Popular Park Reopens

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The Silas Lake Park reopens today
after being closed for six months. The
park was closed because mud and
rock slides destroyed part of
Cambridge Road, the only access into
the park. We had to remove tons of
boulders and rocks, said Hugh Foster
of the Parks and Recreation
Department. Then we had to rebuild a
bridge and reconstruct almost a mile of
highway. Im really surprised we got it
done so soon.
The park is three miles north of
Colfax on Highway 28. Cambridge
Road is a two-lane highway that winds
upward through Pearl Canyon before it
descends to Silas Lake, which has
about 20 miles of shoreline. The
largest lake in the county, it is also
famous for bass. In fact, the record
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largemouth bass catch in California
occurred here in 1975. A 14-year-old
boy caught a 19-pound bass.
The lake has two ramps for boaters,
a full-service restaurant, a snack bar, a
small tackle store, and a boat rental
facility. As with all county parks, no
alcohol is sold or permitted. More than
100 picnic tables have protective roofs
and big barbecue pits. There are public
restrooms with free shower facilities,
lots of trash cans, and hiking trails for
nature lovers. The west side of the
park includes a softball field, a soccer
field, and two volleyball courts.
Horseshoes and kite-flying are two
other popular activities. In the summer,
a designated swimming area has a
lifeguard on duty seven days a week.
The entry fee is $10 per vehicle and
$10 per boat. Reservations are not
accepted. The parking lot holds about
500 vehicles; if it is full, no additional
vehicles are allowed to enter.
Latecomers either leave or wait in line
for someone to leave the parking lot.
Some weekends there are three dozen
vehicles waiting in line outside the
gate. Because of many requests, park
officials soon might start permitting
campers to stay overnight on
weekends.
The park is open from dawn to 10
p.m. during the summer. We probably
average 2,000 people here every day
during the summer, said Foster. They
come here to fish, swim, water-ski, jet-
ski, picnic, commune with Mother
Nature, you name it. People love this
place.

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33. Swim Classes Begin Soon

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Summer is almost here, which
means it is time to sign your kids up
for swim classes again at the
Community Pool. Classes begin on
Monday, May 1, and will continue
throughout the summer. Fifteen swim
classes are being offered. Each class
lasts ten hours. A new class starts
each week of the summer. Each class
costs $20. The pool is big enough for
six students per class.
Classes will increase in difficulty
each week. The first week is for
children up to six years old. The last
week is for advanced swimmers who
want to improve their race and
endurance skills.
Students can sign up for as many
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classes as they like, but they must
pass the skills level test. For example,
students who sign up for Level 4
(Stroke Readiness) must show their
certificate for completing Level 3 or
must demonstrate the front crawl and
backstroke. Children cannot sign up for
a level they are not ready for. Children
who have never attended Community
Pool classes must show up April 29 or
30 for a swim skills evaluation.
Instructors will rate the students and
assign them to a particular skill level.
Swim classes are fun for all.
Children learn new skills and make
new friends. Parents get to meet other
parents in the community. Swimming,
like bicycling, is a healthy and valuable
skill that, once learned, is never
forgotten.
It's a joy to teach young children,
said Ginger, the lead instructor for
swimming programs. More than half of
them are terrified when we put them
into the water the first time. Two
months later, they're begging their
parents to go to the pool every day.

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34. Getting Older But Not
Sitting Around

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All seniors 55 and older are invited
to a special meeting next Tuesday in
the Senior Center. The meeting will
begin with cookies and lemonade. The
speaker will be James Carter, the
director of a nonprofit organization
dedicated to making the golden years
fun and interesting.
We have too many seniors who act
old because they think theyre old,
said Carter. Our goal is to help
seniors realize that theyre as young
and active as they want to be. Getting
older does not mean sitting around
waiting to die. It means getting out and
doing all the things you never had time
to do while you were working and
raising a family.
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Carter will identify the services and
activities that are available to seniors
locally and statewide. Included are
legal aid, tax advice, discounts for bus
and taxi travel in the city, and free
blood pressure testing on the first
Monday of each month. Testing for
diabetes and for cataracts is offered
four times a year for a nominal fee.
The city also provides inexpensive
dinners called Meals on Wheels.
Volunteers deliver these meals to
seniors who are homebound because
of illness or injury.
An Internet class begins this month
for seniors who want to visit the World
Wide Web. Many seniors still use
typewriters, said Carter. They see no
need for a computer. But after they
take this course, some of them may
decide to buy their own laptops.
New activities at the Senior Center
include Bingo on Friday and Saturday
nights, with a grand prize of $50 each
night. The center is also offering
Strength Training classes. As you get
older, said Carter, you need to keep
both your mind and your body active.
An active mind helps prevent
Alzheimers, and an active body helps
prevent osteoporosis.

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35. Agencies Get Millions for
Homeless

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The Federal Department of Housing
and Urban Development has awarded
$5 million to three different local
nonprofit organizations. The money will
be distributed over a four-year period
and is aimed at helping approximately
1,000 homeless people in the county
of Arvada.
One agency, with headquarters in
Woodbridge, is slated to receive $1.5
million. The agency director says that
they will focus their resources on
educating the homeless. We will
probably build another school-home
with this money, he said. A school-
home is exactly what it sounds like. It
is a school and a home. We have
already built four school-homes
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throughout the county. We get the
homeless off the street, and we
educate them so they don't have to
return to the street. We teach them
how to be auto mechanics, plumbers,
landscapers, painters, carpenters,
bricklayers, electricians, and air-
conditioning repairmen.
You wouldn't believe the success
that we have had. In fact, a couple of
weeks ago, our office air-conditioning
went out. My secretary called a
repairman. The repairman was one of
our first homeless students. He now
owns his own air-conditioning
business, plus two houses, two cars
and a boat! He has a dozen
employees. Holy cow! He's doing
better than I am. He fixed our air-
conditioning for free. I think I might
sign up for the air-conditioning class
myself.

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36. Tenants Watch Building
Burn

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A 20-unit apartment building burned
for about an hour before firemen were
able to extinguish it. The fire started in
the attic at about 10:30 p.m. yesterday
evening. The damage was estimated
at $1.5 million. A fire department
spokesman said the fire might have
been set deliberately.
The tenant who first saw the blaze
banged loudly on the door of every unit
in the building. Occupants of 15 units
were already in bed or preparing for
bed. No one responded in the other
five units because the tenants were not
home. Those tenants who were home
escaped with nothing more than the
clothes on their backs, their pets, their
cell phones, and their laptops.
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Many tenants went across the street
to watch the fire from a safe distance.
They were all hoping that their units
would be spared. Some of the pets
were so disturbed by the noise,
crowds, flames, and smoke that their
owners could not hold on to them.
They clawed their way out of their
owners arms and dashed away. The
younger children were similarly
frightened. They cried in their parents
arms.
Two fire engines arrived at 10:45
p.m., but the entire roof was ablaze by
then. Smoke and flames were visible in
most of the units on the top floor.
At about 11:35 p.m. the flames
were extinguished. Most of the roof
had disappeared. The top floor of the
two-story building was about 80
percent gone. Water was seeping into
the ground-floor units, ruining most of
them. The tenants were crying or
speechless. They were happy to be
alive, but now they had no home.
Where were they going to live?
Firemen discovered a charred
gasoline can in the attic. This was the
second suspicious apartment fire in a
month.

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37. Bathtub Blues

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A middle-aged man with a long
beard was arrested by the police for
disorderly conduct and property
damage. More charges might be
added later, said a police officer.
The man, identified as Bill Wild,
checked into the Motel Five last night
about an hour after sunset. Telling the
clerk that he would be staying four
nights, he paid cash in advance. He
then asked her where a grocery store
was. She said that the nearest grocery
store was John-Johns, which was only
two blocks away.
The police said that Wild went to
John-Johns and purchased three
gallons of honey and four gallons of
chocolate syrup. The checker asked
him what the occasion was. He replied,
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Im trying to become a sweeter
person. The checker smiled at the
joke.
Wild drove back to the motel. He
opened all seven containers and
poured them into the bathtub. He
added warm water to the mix. Then he
placed his boom box on the bathroom
floor next to the tub. He tuned the
radio to an opera station. He got
undressed, hopped into the tub, and
started singing loudly with the music.
Fifteen minutes later, the lodgers in
the room next door phoned the clerk.
She banged on Wilds door, but he
kept singing. She phoned his room, but
he didnt answer. Then she called the
police, who arrived quickly.
Well, at least he paid in advance,
said the clerk. That money will help
pay for the plumber. The bathtub drain
was completely clogged. The tub
remained full of chocolate and honey.
You just never know about people,
said the clerk. He seemed so nice and
friendly. Whod have thought he was a
bathtub-singing nut? The police said
this was the third time that Wild had
been arrested for this kind of behavior.

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38. Blood Drive at Civic Center

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The local university blood center
had a blood drive today at the Civic
Center auditorium. Almost 300 people
showed up, but about 50 were turned
away for various medical reasons. Fifty
others left because the lines were
moving so slowly. The event concluded
at 6 p.m., three hours after the
scheduled close. It was a long day for
everyoneadministrators, nurses, and
donors. But there were plenty of chairs
and tables, and many people brought
their own books, magazines, or
newspapers.
The first thing the donors had to do,
of course, was fill out the donor
registration and screening form. When
they finished filling out the form, they
waited until a nurse called them to her
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desk. The average adult body contains
8 to 12 pints of blood. Donors can give
one pint at a time. It takes your body 2
to 4 weeks to replace this amount.
Most donors filled up the pint bag
within 5 to 10 minutes.
Before leaving, the donors received
a sheet of instructions including: Do
not lift any heavy objects for 12 hours.
Leave your pressure bandage on for 2-
3 hours. Do not smoke for at least 30
minutes. Avoid alcohol for the rest of
the day. Do not do any strenuous
activity for 24 hours.
"I wish I could hug and kiss all the
volunteers that are here today," said
Martha, the blood center donor
recruiter. "Many donors underestimate
the importance of what they're doing.
They think it is no big deal, but it is a
big deal. Their blood is actually saving
lives, helping other people to live. We
cannot thank them enough for that, nor
can the recipients.

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39. City Hosts 42nd Art Fair

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The Fernwood Library sponsored
Fernwoods 42nd Art Fair this
weekend. The three-day event was
held, as usual, at Memorial Park.
Almost 100 artists showed up each
day. More than 1,000 locals and
visitors strolled through the shady park
daily, as temperatures remained in the
comfortable 70s all weekend.
All kinds of art were on display and
for sale. Prices ranged from a couple
of dollars to a couple of thousand
dollars. Oscar, a native of Peru, was
selling his beautiful paintings of the
mountain village of Ayacucho, where
he lives most of the year. Every year I
come to the United States to sell my
paintings at about five different art
shows. Then I return to my country.
That is where I do all my paintings, in
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our beautiful mountains.
Peter is a photographer. He travels
throughout the southwest US. One of
his favorite areas is northeast Arizona.
Thats where Spider Rock is, he said,
pointing to a beautiful color photograph
of a towering sandstone spire about
800 feet high. This rock, according to
Navajo Indian lore, was the home of
Spider Woman, a goddess revered by
the tribe.
A Navajo woman was selling her
own rug weavings at the fair. She was
busy creating a rug while visitors
watched. When asked how long it took,
she replied that her creations usually
took months. She said that Navajo
tradition was to always weave a slight
flaw into an article so as not to offend
Spider Woman, because only Spider
Woman could create a perfect weave.
The exhibit areas were located
throughout the park. Artists creations
included jewelry, ceramics, bird
houses, gourd art, furniture, pottery,
handmade musical instruments, music
CDs, and sculpture. Almost all the
artists had their work displayed
beneath shady canopies.
This was another successful year
for our art fair, said the head librarian.
The artists sold enough of their work
to encourage them to return next year,
and the library raised almost $700 from
sales of various items. Well use this
money to purchase a few more tables
and chairs.

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40. City and Crime

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Crime in the city of Clio hit a 30-
year low last year. "This is absolutely
wonderful for our citizens, our
businesses, and our visitors," said
Police Chief Louis Gates. Clio has a
population of 28,000, but it has at least
30 gangs. The gangs make most of
their money from dealing drugs and
offering protection. They also commit
violent crimes, such as murder,
battery, and rape.
There were 1,486 thefts last year.
Most of the thefts involved cars.
Thieves also robbed the people at
gunpoint or pickpocketed them. They
broke into houses and businesses at
the alarming rate of two a day two
years ago, but that rate was down to
only one a day last year. "That's a 50-
percent decrease in one year,"
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beamed Gates. "I think the officers
deserve a big pat on the back. Even
better, maybe theyll get that 10-
percent raise that they are all hoping
for next fiscal year."
Citing an example of how the police
force has helped reduce crime, Gates
talked about bicycle thefts. "For years
and years, kids were locking up their
bikes at bike stands in front of schools,
libraries, and malls. About 10 percent
of the time, the kids would come out of
the school or wherever and discover
that their bike was no longer there.
Someone had cut the lock and stolen
their bike. We wracked our brains
trying to find a solution to this problem.
Finally, at the beginning of last year,
we hit upon it. We simply removed
most of the bike stands. Then the
bicycle theft rate came down quickly.
Most cities in the state have similar
problems. They all involve too many
people, too much crime, too few police,
and too little funding. These problems
are part and parcel of civilization
everywhere. They might diminish, but
they will probably never disappear. All
people can do is hope for the best and
prepare for the worst.

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41. Bank Robbery

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It was 80 degrees in the shade. A
man wearing a heavy army jacket, a
pullover wool cap, and dark
sunglasses walked into the First
American Bank at the corner of Maple
and Main streets in downtown Short
Beach.
The man walked up to the teller and
held up a hand grenade for all to see.
He said, Give me all your money, all
the money in this bank, right now!
Everyone in the lobby screamed
and started running, even the security
guard. Nervously, the young female
teller handed the man three big bags
loaded with cash. He walked out the
door. A second later, one of the money
bags exploded, covering him with red
dye. He yelled in pain and surprise,
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and started pacing around in circles
because he couldn't see where he was
going.
He couldnt see, but he could hear.
He heard the police siren get closer.
Then he heard the police tell him to get
down on his stomach on the sidewalk
and put his hands behind his back.
They handcuffed him and placed him
in the back of the police car.
Seeing the hand grenade on the
sidewalk, the police told everyone to
get back. They sealed off the whole
block and called the bomb squad. The
bomb squad came and examined the
hand grenade. Then they laughed.
They told the police it was a fake. The
hand grenade was actually a harmless
dummy, something a 12-year-old might
play with.
The police chuckled. The bank
employees returned to work. The bank
customers returned to their lines. The
bank robber, hopefully, would never
return.

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42. Immigration Goes Online

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Thousands of immigrants who need
to file papers related to immigration
status, green cards, and resident cards
no longer have to stand in line for
hours on end. The immigration office
now has a new system called Info
Pass. Applicants simply schedule a
time and a date to meet with an
immigration officer using Info Pass.
They don't even have to go to the
immigration office. Info Pass is a
website that they can access on their
home computer or a library computer.
To beat the crowds, immigrants in
Los Angeles used to get in line the
night before. They would start lining up
outside the building at 6:00 p.m. and
spend the night in the cold or,
occasionally, in the rain. By the
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following morning, there might be 200
people in line. This, of course, was an
unpleasant surprise to people who
thought they were early birds by
arriving at 7:00 a.m. Sometimes people
would sell their place in line to others
for $50 or more.
Where there are lines, there are
vendors. No one had to worry about
going hungry in line because of the
variety of hot and cold food and drinks
being sold all night long. Occasionally
the police received reports about
people being pickpocketed while
waiting in the overnight lines. But such
reports were rare. Many immigrants
prefer not to get involved with police
for fear of being sent back to their
native country.
With the new system, people with
appointments are in and out of the
building within an hour. Applicants
show up 15 minutes before their
appointment time. Things are so
efficient now that about 120 applicants
per hour can be processed through the
immigration office. Before Info Pass, it
was about 40 people an hour.

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43. Jimmy Fixes His Door

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Jimmy lives on the second floor of a
six-unit apartment building. His front
door has two locks -- a security
deadbolt, and a regular door handle
lock. The front door also has a
peephole -- a tiny piece of glass
through which Jimmy can look out his
door at about eye-level to "preview"
who is knocking on his door or ringing
his doorbell.
The peephole is a security device,
but Jimmy never uses it. When
someone knocks, he just opens the
door. First of all, he lives in a safe
neighborhood, so security is not really
a problem. Second, people rarely
knock on Jimmy's door, so he is
always eager to greet a visitor.
Before you can knock on the front
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door, you have to push the button on
the black screen door to open the
screen door. The screen door has an
inside lock on it, but the lock has not
worked since the screen door was
installed more than two years ago. This
has bothered Jimmy from day one.
Today, Jimmy finally decided to do
something about the lock on the
screen door. It was a nice, warm sunny
day. Jimmy was in his shorts -- no flip-
flops, no shirt.
The lock was part of the screen
door pushbutton handle. The outside
and inside handles were held together
with just two screws. Jimmy got a
flathead screwdriver and loosened both
screws. He kept adjusting the screws,
and pushing on the outside button.
Eventually he adjusted the screws
enough to where the lever stayed in
the locked position when he pushed on
the outside button. Finally, he had
made the right adjustment.
But now he needed to put a spacer
on the inside handle to maintain that
adjustment. He found a piece of plastic
that was just the right thickness. He
inserted the plastic between the handle
and the doorframe itself, and then he
tightened the two screws. Bingo! It
worked perfectly. He could push on the
outside button with all his might, and
the lever would remain locked. Jimmy
grinned. The screen door finally
worked properly!
Jimmy had fixed a two-year-old
problem in less than an hour. He was
ecstatic. He returned the screwdriver to
the toolbox, thinking I'm a genius.

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44. Larry Needs a New Air-
Conditioner

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It had been another hot spring day.
By ten oclock in the evening, it had
only cooled down to 87 degrees,
according to Larry's thermometer in the
living room. He rarely looked at his
thermometer because he usually didn't
care what the exact temperature was.
Larry had two table fans in his
bedroom. Because of the high
temperatures, the last three evenings
had been two-fan nights. He used his
air-conditioner only occasionally.
During one month the previous
summer, he had used the air-
conditioner 10 days consecutively, day
and night. His electric bill that July,
normally about $30, was $77.
But Larry figured that, once in a
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while, using the AC wouldn't kill him.
So that evening at 11:30, just before
he went to bed, he turned on the AC.
He set the thermostat to 72 degrees.
He woke up four hours later when he
heard a big bang, which sounded like
two cars had run into each other on
the street outside. But it wasn't two
cars. It was the AC capacitor on the
roof; it had just blown up. Larry's air-
conditioner was officially dead.
Two circuit breakers had switched
off, so he switched them back on.
Larry had already suspected that there
was something wrong with his air-
conditioner. He called Jack, the
repairman, but Jack didn't show up
until four days later because he was so
busy repairing all the other air-
conditioners in the neighborhood.
When Jack finally came, he climbed
up on the roof. Larry heard a lot of
banging. Twenty minutes later Jack
told Larry, "You need a new air-
conditioner. Yours is the original model
that came with this apartment building.
All the other original AC units have
been replaced. Yours lasted longest,
but now its kicked the bucket. I'm
going to call your landlady to see if she
will approve a new AC unit for you. Its
going to cost $1200 parts and labor.
Wow, said Larry.
Jack said that if everything went as
planned, he'd install a new unit
Monday morning. Until then, he said
with a smile, stay cool.
Larry said, No problem, but he
wondered if he should drive to the thrift
store to look for a third fan for his
bedroom.

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45. Man Gets 12 Years for
Fraud

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A federal judge sentenced Bruce
Jones to 12 years in federal prison for
fraud. Over a 10-year period, Jones
had managed to swindle almost $10
million from thousands of gullible
people throughout the state.
He advertised his fantastic ideas on
TV. "For some reason," Jones said,
"TV seems to break the ice. Even
though you are a total stranger to the
viewer, once he sees you on TV in his
home, he feels like he knows you. You
enter his living room and become a
trusted friend."
Jones had an imagination that
wouldnt quit. One time he showed
viewers an "official government"
earthquake report which proved that
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the western half of California would
collapse into the sea within three
years. For $100, he said, Jones would
insure your house and property for full
value. Thousands of people who saw
that TV ad sent him a hundred dollars
each.
In another TV ad, Jones claimed
that he had negotiated with the federal
and state government for exclusive air
rights. He told viewers that, for only
$100, they could own the first 10 miles
above all their property. You would be
able to charge any commercial plane
that flew over your property $100 per
crossing. You would also be able to
charge government rockets, satellites,
space shuttles, and space stations
$100 for each and every violation of
your air rights.
Another time, Jones claimed to
have invented a product that gets rid of
calories. He showed the viewers a
spray can of "NoCal." He said that by
simply spraying NoCal on your food, a
chemical interaction would cause all
the calories in the food to simply
evaporate within about 10 seconds.
The NoCal was only $10 a can. As
usual, Jones received thousands of
checks in the mail.
The judge told Jones that he should
be ashamed of himself. Jones
responded that he was very ashamed
of himself, and that when he got out of
prison he hoped to become a TV
consultant to help people avoid getting
scammed. He told the judge that he
was already developing an instructional
CD that, for merely $100, would save
people thousands of dollars in scams.
The judge nodded, and then changed
Joness sentence from 10 years to 12
years.

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46. Man Shoots Up Post Office

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A 36-year-old man stormed into the
Ramona post office yelling at everyone
to get out of his way. Carrying a
shotgun, he climbed up onto the
countertop and told everyone to lie on
the floor. Then he pulled the trigger
and fired a round into the ceiling.
Plaster splattered onto the floor and
the customers.
The man ordered all the customers
and employees to sit up and look at
him. He said, "Repeat after me: I hate
the post office!" Everyone repeated the
words. He fired another round, but this
one he aimed at the front plate glass
window. Shattered glass went
everywhere.
Three minutes later, five police cars
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pulled up in front of the post office,
lights flashing and sirens wailing.
Using a bullhorn, a police officer told
the man to walk out backwards with his
hands up. The man fired another blast
out the shattered window. The police
officer and his bullhorn were uninjured.
However, one police car had three little
pit marks in it.
The man yelled, "I'm not coming out
until the post office pays me for pain
and suffering. A postal truck ran into
my car two years ago. My back is
killing me. I can't work anymore. My
wife left me. I can't take it anymore."
After a while, the man calmed
down. He released all the people
inside. At 7:00 p.m., the man walked
out backwards with his hands up. The
police handcuffed him, put him in the
back seat of the car, and drove him to
the police station.
A post office official said that they
had tried to settle with the man out of
court, but he refused anything less
than a million dollars. "So the whole
thing went to court," he said. "I guess
he got tired of waiting for the trial to
begin. He'll probably go to jail for a few
years because of this stunt."

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47. Murals Are Over 200 Years
Old

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Two men chanced upon a trap door
in a back room of a historic church
near San Francisco. They discovered
23 religious murals painted by Native
Americans more than 200 years ago.
The murals record scenes from the
Bible. Arthur Anderson, an artist, and
Eric Bush, a painter, had been to the
church many times before. But they
were not aware of any trap doors in
the building.
The only reason they discovered it
was that Arthur dropped a coin onto
the floor while pulling a small knife out
of his pants pocket. He heard the coin
hit the floor and roll. He started
searching. A minute later, he found his
dime. Gotcha! he said proudly. But
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then he saw what looked like an
unusual gap in the floor board. With his
knife, he began digging around the
gap.
The floor board suddenly loosened.
Arthur felt that he was onto something.
He removed the floor board and saw a
rope handle attached to what looked
like a trap door. Eric helped Arthur
remove four more floor boards. Then
Arthur slid open the trap door.
Beneath it was a hole in the ground
about 15 feet long, 10 feet wide, and 2
feet deep. They shined a flashlight into
the hole and saw the murals. They
were not wrapped, covered, or
otherwise protected. Yet they were in
wonderful condition, according to Eric.
God truly does work in mysterious
ways, said Arthur. The murals use
only the colors black, red, and yellow.
The smallest are about 12 by 12
inches, and the biggest are about 24
by 24 inches. Digital photographs were
taken of all the murals before they
were loaded onto a truck.
All 23 murals, created about 1791,
are now at the Museum of Native
American Art. They will be inspected,
cleaned, archived, and examined by
experts. They will not be put on public
display until early next year. Museum
officials expect a huge turnout when
that day occurs. This is truly rare,
said one official. I wonder how many
more treasures are out there waiting
for someone to drop a dime on them.

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48. Pier Collapses

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The Oakville pier collapsed
Saturday afternoon at 3:30. Although
hundreds of people were on the pier at
the time of the collapse, no one was
killed and only 15 people were injured.
One person was seriously injured. That
person was a 43-year-old man who
suffered two broken legs, eight broken
ribs, and a punctured lung.
Hundreds of people gathered
around to watch the rescue efforts.
Three local television stations and two
radio stations broadcast live from the
pier. The collapse occurred after a big
rig went out of control Saturday
morning and slammed into one of the
main supports for the pier.
For public safety reasons, a city
council member wanted to close the
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pier immediately. However, local
businesses on the pier and nearby
protested. Oakville officials decided to
wait until tomorrow before sending out
a structural engineer to investigate the
damage.
The driver reeked of booze, said a
police officer who had written the truck
driver a ticket for driving under the
influence. He was so drunk that he
didn't even apply his brakes before he
crashed into the support. It's a miracle
that he didnt kill someone, said the
officer, who took the driver to jail.
City officials said it was too early to
get a complete damage estimate, but
that repairs to the pier would probably
cost at least $500,000 and take a
month or more. The local business
people are very unhappy because the
repair process will significantly reduce
consumer purchases for the summer
season.
We make 80 percent of our annual
profits from June through September,
noted one T-shirt vendor. This is
going to hurt.

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49. Cameras in Police Cars

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The Rockford police chief and some
city officials want to install video
cameras in all 100 police cars. They
think this will reduce the number of
lawsuits filed against the city. In the
last five years, Rockford has paid out
more than five million dollars to settle
about 40 lawsuits.
The chief said, If cameras had
been in those cars, we wouldnt have
had to pay one dime. Were always
pulling over drunks or drug users who
try to fight the cops or shoot them.
Then they always claim that the police
started beating them first or started
shooting at them first. What hogwash!
The cost of installing cameras will
be about $500 per vehicle. The city
council will vote on the proposal next
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Monday. Ten of the 13 council
members, when asked about the
proposal, said that they liked the idea.
One member said that it makes good
fiscal sense and common sense. If the
cameras are approved, they can be
installed in all the cars within six
weeks.
The police officers enthusiastically
support camera use. One officer said
that too many people think the police
are liars; cameras would show citizens
that police tell the truth. The money
that weve been spending on lawsuits
will be better spent on more cameras,
said one officer.
Citizen reaction to the idea of police
car cameras is mixed. One person said
that the police should have started
doing this years ago when video
cameras were invented. But an elderly
man said that cameras were an
invasion of privacy. These police are
trying to stick their nose into
everything, he said. He was going to
attend the council meeting to condemn
the proposal. He hoped that other
citizens would join him.

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50. A School Girl Sues Her
School

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A straight-A student got a C in
cooking class and didn't like it. She
didn't like it so much that her dad filed
a complaint in federal court about it.
He alleges that the teacher, who is
white, discriminated against his
daughter, who is black. He seeks to
have her grade changed from a C to
an A and asks for unspecified financial
damages.
Virginia Brown is in the ninth grade
at Ashley High School. Since her first
year in school, she has had perfect
attendance and all her grades have
been A's. Virginia's father said her
heart was broken when she got the C.
"She cried the whole weekend," he
said. "She wouldn't come out of her
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room. Her eyes were red and puffy. My
little girl hasnt been this upset since
her cat got run over by a car when she
was 6 years old."
Virginia is a model student. She's
the class president. She's on the swim
team, the volleyball team, and the
track team. She belongs to the chess
club. She is a member of the Girl
Scouts and sings in her church choir.
The home economics teacher is 28-
year-old Jessica Smith. This is her first
year teaching. Ms. Smith said that
discrimination was absolutely not the
issue. Some of my best friends are
African-Americans," she said. This
isnt a black and white problem.
Everybody in America wants to sue
everybody else. Im going to sue them
for defamation of character and
whatever else my lawyer comes up
with.
The school principal, who grew up
in India, said that he supported Ms.
Smith 100 percent. He said that
Virginia is an excellent student who
would have no problem getting into the
best universities even with a C in
cooking. She wont have any difficulty
finding a great university, but she might
have problems finding a husband, he
laughed. Shed better look for a man
who likes to eat out a lot.

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51. SUV Driver Sends Officer
Flying

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About 2:00 a.m. Monday, a
California Highway Patrol officer was
hit by an SUV. The officer was thrown
about 10 feet before landing in a
hedge. The officer was assisting a
motorist whose car had stalled on the
freeway.
The police officer was listed in
stable condition at a nearby hospital.
The accident occurred after the fast-
moving white SUV drove onto the
shoulder where the two cars were
parked. The SUV struck the officer
before plowing into the police car. The
driver of the stalled car was unhurt.
The SUV rolled completely over.
The driver climbed out of the SUV and
took off, running in the direction of a
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nearby off-ramp. Because another
police vehicle was nearby, the police
caught the driver quickly. He was
charged with drunk driving, property
damage, causing personal injury, and
leaving the scene of an accident.
The driver had no license and no
insurance. He had been convicted a
year ago of driving while intoxicated. At
that time he had also injured someone
and also fled the scene. He was
sentenced to jail for six months. But
because the jail was so overcrowded,
he was released in one month.
What can we do? said a
policeman. There are a lot more drunk
drivers out there every night than there
are police. The only time we can get
them off the streets for good is when
they kill someone.
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52. Boy Drowns in Neighbor's
Pool

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Hunter Smith, 5, drowned in a
swimming pool after apparently
wandering away from two teenagers,
one of whom was his babysitter.
Paramedics and hospital staff
members spent several hours trying to
revive Hunter. Police pulled the
unconscious boy from the cold water of
the neighbors pool about 3:20 p.m.
Wednesday.
The babysitter was 16. The other
teen was her boyfriend, 17. The boys
parents had no comment about their
sons unfortunate death.
Police questioned both teens
separately as to how the accident
occurred. Their stories did not match.
The girl said Hunter disappeared while
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she was using the bathroom. The boy
said Hunter disappeared while he was
using the bathroom. After further
questioning and some searching
around the house, the police
determined that the boy disappeared
while both teens were using the
bedroom.
They had actually put him in the
bedroom closet, but were so busy with
each other that they never saw or
heard the boy leave the closet and the
house, an officer said. Charges might
be filed against the teens for
involuntary manslaughter and against
the neighbor for leaving the gate to the
pool unlocked.
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53. Woman Dies in House Fire

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An 80-year-old woman died
Tuesday afternoon in a fire. The blaze
was reported about 2:30 p.m. at a
home on Sunnyside Avenue. The
victim was identified as Mary Cass.
Her husband, Roy Cass, 80, was not
at home at the time of the fire.
Investigators from the local fire
department were trying to determine
the exact cause of the fire. They said it
looked like the woman had fallen
asleep on the sofa with a cigarette in
her hand.
The value of the home was
estimated at $700,000. The Casses
were married in 1945. Both of them
had been smokers throughout most of
their lives.
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Mr. Cass said, Six months ago, we
decided to quit smoking, because we
wanted to live to be 100. So we went
to a smoking cessation clinic. The
clinic worked! We both managed to
quit a month ago. At least I thought we
both did. I can't believe she was
smoking behind my back.
Mr. Cass started sobbing after his
remarks. He repeatedly cried out his
wifes name. Authorities took him to a
nursing home where he could be kept
under surveillance.
Weve had too many instances of
long-time married couples who, if they
discover their spouse is dead, commit
suicide within 48 hours, said a nursing
home spokesperson. Mr. Casss
behavior has been erratic, from talking
nonstop to crying to staring vacantly.
We are going to have to watch him
closely.
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54. Pilot Killed as Plane
Crashes into House

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A small plane crashed into a house
Sunday afternoon, killing the pilot and
destroying half of the home. The family
inside the house escaped without
injury. The single-engine airplane
crashed about 5:30 p.m. The pilot, the
only one in the plane, was trying to
make an emergency landing at the
airport.
The pilots body was found on the
bed in the master bedroom. The plane
crashed into one end of the house,
where the three bedrooms were. That
part of the house was wrecked. The
Carols, who own the house, were all at
home eating dinner.
Oh, my gosh, said Mrs. Carol, I
thought the world had come to an end.
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I never heard such a loud sound. We
all ducked under the table, thinking it
was another earthquake. When nothing
else happened, we got brave and
decided to investigate.
They immediately called 911 when
they discovered the cause of the
thunderous sound. The family was
lucky because there was no fire.
Authorities suspect that a lack of fuel
contributed to the crash. Mr. Carol said
that they might have to move out until
they can get the house repaired. The
police will release the pilots name
after they have notified his next of kin.
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55. Fishing for Girls

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Wednesday night, Howard asked
Glenn if he wanted to go fishing and
girl-watching that weekend at Santa Fe
Lake. Well leave Friday morning and
return late Sunday night, he said.
Glenn said he had to clean out his
garage, so Howard went by himself.
Howard had also planned to lie
around the hotel pool, soak up the sun,
read a good book, and look at pretty
women in their bathing suits. His own
apartment didn't have a pool, so
whenever he traveled, he always liked
to stay at a place with a pool. But
when he arrived at the hotel about
noon, he saw that there were no pretty
girls at the pool. There were no girls at
all. There was nobody at the pool,
because the pool was empty. It was
being repaired all that week. The staff
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had forgotten to tell Howard this little
detail.
Howard called Glenn late Friday
night.
How was the fishing? Glenn
asked.
Didnt see any, didnt catch any,
replied Howard.
Well, did you catch any women?
No. And dont even ask how many
beauties I saw at the pool. I didnt go
to any bars. But I did go to a
Mongolian all-you-can-eat place and
had a good dinner. I think one of the
waitresses liked me. She asked me if I
wanted extra ketchup.
Well, I hope you said yes. Any time
a woman asks you if you want extra
anything, thats female code. It means
they like you.
I said no. There was a whole bottle
right in front of me.
Well, you blew it. I dont know
when youre going to learn to pick up
on those signals. Next time Ill go with
you and show you all the tricks.
If you knew all the tricks, you
wouldnt be divorced three times.
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56. Woman Shot Next to Her
Christmas Tree

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A woman decorating her Christmas
tree Monday was shot in her left arm
when a bullet went through her living
room window. Police said the incident
occurred about 5:00 p.m. A .22 caliber
shell casing was found across the
street from the victim's home. Police
did not find a weapon in the vicinity.
Mrs. Wilma Johnson was treated at
a local hospital and allowed to go
home. A hospital spokesman said she
should recover nicely. She is in her
late 50s, divorced, and living with Bob,
the older of her two adult sons. Bob
wasnt home at the time of the
shooting.
Police will patrol the area more
frequently as a result of this shooting.
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They don't know if the shooting was
intentional or accidental. They are
asking the public to help if they know
anything. They interviewed the
neighbors. One neighbor said he heard
a gunshot, but in this neighborhood, he
said, he was used to hearing gunshots.
The police also questioned Mrs.
Johnsons ex-husband, Joe, who lives
three blocks away. Joe said if he was
going to shoot at his ex-wife, hed
make sure he shot her in her butt.
Thats a target you could hit from a
mile away, he laughed. Despite such
remarks, the police spokesperson said
Joe is not a suspect at this time.
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57. Man Fatally Stabbed
Outside Nightclub

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A middle-aged man was fatally
stabbed outside a nightclub late
Saturday night. Bob Evans died about
1:30 a.m. after a woman stabbed him
in the back outside Lovers Lounge.
Police who arrived at the club found
Evans lying in the parking lot with a
bloody ice pick on the pavement next
to him. A sobbing woman was cradling
the victims head in her lap and
stroking his hair.
Police identified the woman as Sara
Haynes, 39, an emergency room
nurse. They took her into custody and
said she would be booked for murder.
She was Evans's long-time girlfriend.
The lounge's bartender said Haynes
started arguing with Evans when she
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saw him dancing with a young woman.
I thought there might be trouble
when I saw her walk in, said the
bartender. She was looking all around,
with a wild look in her eyes. He was on
the floor dancing away with this young
blonde. She went straight at them. She
pulled the blonde out of his arms and
started yelling at him.
Evans then led Sara outside,
apparently to avoid a scene inside the
club. A witness who was sitting in his
car told police he saw them argue for a
couple of minutes. When Evans turned
around to walk back inside, Sara
pulled the ice pick out of her purse and
stabbed Evans several times. He
collapsed to the ground. Then she sat
down, put his head in her lap, and
started crying.
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58. Fishing Boat Sinks,
Everyone Saved

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A 70-foot fishing boat, the
SharkCatcher, sank 5 miles from shore
today in the Pacific at about 4:30 p.m.
The boat was returning from a
successful one-day trip. There were 17
anglers aboard and 4 crew members.
There were also about 100 freshly
caught tuna, salmon, and mackerel
aboard. Some of them may have also
survived the sinking.
Luckily, the SharkCatcher started
sinking when it was only a quarter mile
from another fishing boat, the
TunaTaker, which was also returning
from a day trip. The two captains, Moe
and Curly, had been talking to each
other over the radio while headed back
to their landing in Santa Barbara. They
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were comparing notes: who had
caught what, how much, and where.
During their conversation, Moe
heard what sounded like an explosion.
He told Curly to hold on a minute.
Moes crew discovered a hole in the
hull that was too big for plugs or
pumps. Moe told Curly he needed his
help. Moe then told all the passengers
to don their lifejackets and abandon
the boat.
This is the second boat that I've
lost, said Moe. The good thing, of
course, is that Ive never lost any
paying customers.
Curly, captain of the rescue boat,
said, We were lucky that it was a
clear, calm day. We pulled a lot of
people out of the water, but it went
very smoothly. I think the Coast Guard
will be proud of us.
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59. The Mysterious Carport
Stain

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Oh, no! Denzel thought. Whered
THAT come from? He was looking at a
big red dry stain that was on the
carport where he always parked his
car.
There was only one thing to do:
check his power steering fluid and his
transmission fluid, both of which were
red. The power steering fluid was at
the proper level, so that left the
transmission fluid. A small leak could
result in a damaged transmission,
which could cost $1,000 to $2,000 to
repair or replace. Denzel did not have
$1,000 or $2,000.
Denzel was not sure about how to
check his transmission fluid level. But
he found the instructions in his car
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manual. They were not complicated.
He ran his engine for about 15
minutes to get it up to normal
operating temperature. Next, he shifted
the transmission through all the gears,
and then let the car idle for three
minutes in Park. Then he pulled out
the dipstick. The fluid was at the
correct level. Denzel breathed a sigh of
relief.
As he drove off in his car, he
wondered if he would ever find out the
cause of that stain. Or would it be one
of those mysteries of life, like the
mystery of why his last girlfriend had
left him.
Why did you break up with me?
he had asked her on the phone a while
ago. I thought everything was going
well between us. Then, wham, out of
nowhere, you told me we were
through. You needed more space, you
said. What does THAT mean?
Its a long story, she replied.
Go ahead, he said. Ive got plenty
of time.
Ive got to go, she said.
Women! Denzel muttered as the
phone went dead.
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60. Woman Lies About
Winning Lottery

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A 39-year-old woman admitted that
she had lied. She claimed that she
bought the latest winning lottery ticket
in Massachusetts, but then lost it. The
ticket was worth $18 million after all
deductions. Jean Fenn was charged
with grand larceny. A conviction could
put her in prison for up to seven years.
The real winner of the ticket, Kevin
Hayes, 66, presented it a week ago to
the liquor store where he had bought it.
That store will receive one percent of
the prize, or $180,000. The owner of
the store, Mark Abrams, 56, was
overjoyed. Last year we had a storm
that blew half of our roof off. It cost
$25,000 to put a new roof on.
Hayes said he was reminded to
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check his numbers when he heard that
a woman had lost her winning ticket.
He and his wife had been camping in
the mountains when the winning
number was drawn.
But I feel sorry for this woman,"
said Hayes. "She only did this out of
desperation. In fact, I'm going to help
her out financially after she gets out of
prison. Its a shame that this wealthy
country has so many poor people. So,
Im going to donate a lot of this money
to different charities. What do I need
$18 million for?
The checks to Hayes and Abrams
should arrive within two weeks,
according to a lottery spokesman. The
spokesman mentioned that lottery
players should remember that the odds
of winning the lottery are only about
one in forty million. Even so, most
people think that SOMEONE has to
win, and it might as well be them.
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61. Victory Dance Leads to
Death

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A basketball game ended abruptly
Saturday afternoon when 18-year-old
Damon Miller was fatally shot at a
recreation center. The gunman, who
called himself Ace, ran south on Oak
Street after the shooting and remains
at large. Miller was pronounced dead
at the scene by the paramedics. He
died from two gunshot wounds to his
chest. The paramedics did not arrive
immediately because they were tied up
at a four-car crash a mile away. This
was the second such shooting during a
basketball game, apparently by the
same gunman.
According to witnesses, Miller did a
little dance after making a game-
winning 3-point basket. When Ace told
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him to stop celebrating, Miller ignored
him. Then Ace pulled a small gun out
of his baggy shorts and fired two quick
shots. Everyone else backed away.
Instead of running immediately, Ace
picked up the basketball and made a
3-pointer himself. Then he did a little
dance next to the victims head and
fled.
A police officer said the suspect will
be charged with "a lot more than
unsportsmanlike conduct" when
arrested. Eyewitnesses said Ace is a
white male, 5'11", about 200 pounds,
with a small scar on his left cheek.
Local activists criticized the police
for dragging their feet in their search
for the suspect. You can bet if it was
two white men who had been shot by
a black man, thered be a policeman
on every basketball court in town till he
was caught, said one activist.
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62. Eat Your Vegetables

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The federal government, displaying
even less sense than usual, has
yielded to the French fry industry.
Frozen French friessliced, fried in oil,
and then packagedare now
approved as fresh vegetables by the
US Department of Agriculture.
The French fry industry has been
petitioning the USDA for years to get
this approval. They say that their
product is similar to cucumbers that
have a wax coating. They argue that
they use 100 percent vegetable oil,
which is much healthier for consumers
than plain wax.
Most consumers, of course, beg to
differ. You must be joking, said
Annie, 50. How can you consider a
product thats deep-fried in oil to be a
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fresh vegetable? Even if I steamed
broccoli, I could no longer call it fresh
broccoliits cooked! I wish I were a
lobbyist, so my congressman would
help me. Unfortunately, Im only a tax-
paying citizen.
The USDA defends its decision,
saying that potatoes undeniably are
vegetables. Although French fries are
fried in oil, they are still potatoes. If you
let them sit on your countertop for a
couple of weeks, a USDA spokesman
said, the fries will rot just like all other
fresh vegetables.
Consumer advocates say the USDA
has totally lost touch with the
consumers. They'd probably declare
that eggshells are nutritious if a
lobbyist asked them to, said one
advocate.
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63. Honk if You're in a Hurry

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Mark was cursing the driver in front
of him because she was creeping
along. He was running late for a golf
game with his friend Barney. He was
on a two-lane road that led to the golf
course. The road was straight uphill. It
went for six blocks through a busy
residential neighborhood. There was a
four-way stop sign at the end of each
block.
Every time the woman ahead
arrived at a stop sign, she looked left
and right. Then she looked left and
right again. Then she proceeded slowly
forward.
Mark was pulling his hair out. Never
be in a hurry in LA, he muttered to
himself. Mark didn't pass her because
there was too much oncoming traffic.
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At the very last stop sign, she turned
right.
At last, no one was in front of him.
Mark put the pedal to the metal to
make up for lost time. However, as
soon as he rounded the first curve, he
had to immediately brake for a cement
truck crawling up the hill at about 5
mph. Mark couldn't believe it. His tee
time was 11:45 and it was 11:39. Mark
ignored the solid yellow line and
passed the truck. It was 11:40 when he
got to the parking lot. He walked
quickly to the clubhouse to tell Mel, the
assistant pro, that he had arrived.
Mel said, Were running about 10
minutes behind, so youre okay. But
Barney just called. He said there was a
fatal accident on the freeway. The
highway patrol closed his side of the
freeway. He said to go on without him;
hes going back home.
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64. The Man Who Loved
Women

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Grady was rich, but he was 78 and
on his deathbed. No amount of money
or lovecould save him now.
In his youth, Grady had been a
major skirt-chaser. No woman was
safe from his charm. He used to juggle
three or four girlfriends at a time.
Hed often accidentally call them by
the wrong names. The first time that
happened to a new girlfriend, she
would get upset. Instead of lying,
Grady would admit that he had another
girlfriendor two. But, he would
quickly add, you are my number one.
Youll always be my number one.
Somehow, this little white lie often
worked. Sometimes his various
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girlfriends would even end up meeting
each other and become fast friends.
Any attractive woman was a target
for Grady. He would walk right up to
her and say, Youre very attractive.
Are you single and unattached? If she
said yes, hed invite her out for a cup
of coffee right then and there. If she
said yes, but she didnt have time just
then for coffee, hed get her phone
number and ask for a rain check. If
she said no, hed ask her if she had a
twin sister who was single and
unattached. This often made the
woman smile or laugh. Sometimes she
would change her no to a yes.
Grady was a wonderful dancer. He
was just average-looking, but he
carried himself with confidence and
had a ready smile and a pleasant
laugh. He was well-read, he knew a
thousand jokes, and he had no bad
habits. Perhaps most important, he
made a woman feel like a woman,
according to many of his girlfriends.
Even in his old age, Grady hadnt
slowed down. Tending to his dying
needs were Didi and Mimi, a pair of
40-year-old twins that Grady had finally
settled down with.
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65. How to Get out of Jury
Duty

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The mailman delivers good news
and bad news. Topping the bad news
list for many people who live in Los
Angeles is a jury summons. This
document tells you that you must
respond by mail or phone for possible
service on a jury. Many people feel
that jury duty is a boring chore and
would prefer not doing it.
In fact, court clerks say that the
most common question they hear is:
Why do I have to serve? The official
response is: Jury duty is a
responsibility that all qualified citizens
must share.
If you are a citizen, if you can read
and understand English, if youre over
18 years old, and if youre not a felon,
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you are eligible for jury duty. If you
ignore the summons, you might be
fined up to $1,500.
A jury trial might last one day or
one month. If you work for the
government, this is no problem,
because the government will pay you
your regular salary while you are on
jury duty. However, if you are self-
employed, you lose your regular
income for that time period. Instead of
your regular income, you get $15 a
DAY for sitting on a jury. This is
another reason people try to avoid jury
duty.
Jack got the bad news yesterday.
Even though he was retired and sat
around all day watching reruns of old
movies, he told his wife Polly he wasnt
going to be a juror. He hated jury duty
and he was not going to let the courts
interfere with his retirement.
So how do you think you are going
to get out of it? Polly asked, both
amused and irritated. Are you going to
claim that youre dead? Or are you
going to tell them youve moved out of
the country?
No, both of those involve too much
paperwork. Ive got a better idea. Its a
medical excuse. It says here that if you
have a physical disability, you can be
dismissed.
Whats your disability? Your 'bad
back' doesn't allow you to sit in a chair
watching reruns all day?
No. Something better than that. Ive
got gas. Itll offend the other jurors and
everyone else in the courtroom. Theyll
have to open all the windows or issue
gas masks.
But theres one problem. You dont
have gas.
But I know how to create it. Ill eat
a lot of peanuts and fruit the morning
that I go to court. As soon as they get
a whiff of my problem, theyll tell me
to go home and stay home.
Thats a brilliant idea! Polly said,
as she rolled her eyes. At least it would
get him out of the house for one day,
she thought.
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66. The Way to a Mans Heart

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Lina often asked Luke to dinner.
Lina loved Luke, but Luke loved Linas
cooking, not Lina herself. Lina
accepted that for the time being. But
she felt that, with enough meals and
enough time, she would get her man.
Luke rarely stayed more than ten
minutes past the last bite of dessert.
Lina would ask Luke if he wanted to
watch TV, or play cards or chess, or
take a walk around the neighborhood,
but Luke always declined. He always
said, Ive got to go. They both knew
that Luke didnt have to go anywhere.
All he ever did was go back to his
apartment and read books or go
online.
Tonight was probably going to be
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more of the same. But Lina was a
patient woman. She loved to cook, and
she loved to watch people eat her
cooking. Tonight she prepared shrimp,
fresh green beans, mashed potatoes,
and asparagus. Luke ate everything
with gusto. Then she brought out her
homemade cheesecake with vanilla ice
cream for dessert.
Luke asked, Are you trying to
fatten me up for something? Every
time I come over here, I have to eat
celery and lettuce for a week to get
back down to my normal weight.
Oh, stop exaggerating, Lina
replied. You enjoy every mouthful.
Youre right. I apologize. I love your
cooking, and if you didnt invite me
over here, Id be hurt and hungry.
Lina watched contentedly as Luke
devoured the cheesecake and ice
cream. Someday, she thought, I will be
his dessert.
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67. Female Seeks Mature
Male

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Julia was 12 years old. Her best
friend Betsy was 13. Summer was
almost over. School was about to start.
Julia and Betsy were having lunch at
BurgerBoy. Betsy had decided that
Julia needed a boyfriend.
But why? asked Julia. Im okay
without one. What good is a 12-year-
old boy anyway? All theyre interested
in is playing baseball or riding their
skateboards. Where does a girl fit into
that picture?
Dont be silly, replied Betsy. And
forget about 12-year-olds. Theyre
immature. You should go for someone
more experiencedsomeone at least
13 years old. Someone who will carry
your books and walk you to your
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classes. You need someone wholl
give you a Valentines Day card and
remember your birthday. You need
someone to comfort you when youre
sad and lonely. You need someone to
protect you.
But my dad does that! Thats what
dads are for. He comforts me; he
protects me. And he remembers my
birthday, too. Ive got a backpack to
carry my books, and I know where all
my classes are. I dont need an escort.
And a Valentines Day card means that
someone loves you. What if I dont
love them back? I dont want a
Valentines Day card from someone I
dont love. I dont love anyone anyway.
Im too young. I dont think I even know
what love is. Besides, you dont have a
boyfriend. Why should I?
Because you're my first client. I've
decided that I'm going to be a
matchmaker when I grow up.
Well, if I'm your first client, that
means I'll probably also be your first
mistake. No, thank you.
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68. Lets Go Fishing

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Dave needed to pack for Saturdays
fishing trip. He went into his hall closet,
where he had more than 20 rods and
reels. Nowadays he went fishing twice
a year at Big Bear, a huge lake in
southern California about 7,000 feet up
in the mountains.
California tries to boost the fishing
industry by sponsoring a Free Fishing
Day twice a year, once in June and
once in September. That sufficed for
Dave. He went mostly because it was
a social event with a few friends, not
so much to catch fish. Even by itself,
the scenic drive up a twisty two-lane
road was worth the trip. Not to mention
the big, beautiful houses and trees that
lined the shore of the lake.
Packing was a project in itself.
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Dave had even created a computer file
named Fishing Trip. It was a checklist
of 45 things to take to Big Bear. He
took two rods, because on Free
Fishing Day you were allowed to fish
with two rods instead of the usual one
rod. He took a hooded sweatshirt,
jeans, two pair of socks, a heavy
hooded denim jacket, winter gloves,
and a scarf. He also took flip-flops,
shorts, a T-shirt, #30 sun block,
sunglasses, a big hat, and a
lightweight raincoat. If you go to Big
Bear in June, youd better be prepared
for hot or cold, rain or shine.
He packed a couple of magazines
to read just in case the fish werent
biting. He and his friends joked that the
fish were always biting - in the spot
you just left or the spot you were
headed to.
After about an hour and a half,
Dave had gathered all the items on his
list into a neat pile next to his door. He
went to bed knowing that tomorrows
weather and fishing were
unpredictable, but the good time with
his friends was a given.
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69. Train Wreck Frees Cows

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A Continental Pacific Railroad
freight train derailed on Tuesday about
40 miles north of Sacramento. The
exact cause is still being investigated,
but authorities say it was no accident.
The head engineer said everything
was fine; then suddenly, everything
wasn't.
Of the freight train's 86 cars, 22
went off the tracks. Fortunately, this
incident did not involve any fatalities,
human or otherwise. The head
engineer was treated for a broken wrist
at a nearby hospital. He was the only
casualty.
Trains throughout California
frequently carry dangerous cargoes,
such as chemicals. When these trains
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derail, authorities immediately
evacuate nearby communities because
of the danger of explosions or of
harmful fumes. However, this train
carried only lumber, new automobiles,
and cattle destined for slaughter.
After the mishap, lumber was
scattered on either side of the tracks.
About 20 automobiles were damaged.
The biggest problem, however, was
the cattle. About 300 of them were
standing on or near the tracks,
wandering into the nearby woods, or
standing on the nearby highway. Traffic
on the two-lane highway was backed
up for almost a mile in each direction.
We know who did this, said a
California Highway Patrol spokesman.
The train was sabotaged by a group
called Tofu for You. They left their
pamphlets all over the crime scene.
They 'liberate' animals that are on their
way to the slaughterhouse. They think
Americans should eat tofu instead of
meat. Theyre wasting their time. All
these cows are going to be burgers by
tomorrow night.
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70. Valuable Guitar Found

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A classical guitarist was thrilled to hear from
New York City police that his valuable guitar had
been found. It disappeared almost a year ago
when he got out of a taxicab and forgot to take
the guitar with him. Laurence Lennon, 44, said he
was running late that day. He was talking to his
manager on his cell phone when he dashed out
of the cab. He said that he gave the driver $60
and told him to keep the change. He walked
through the front doors of the concert hall still
talking on the phone to his manager.
Upon discovering his loss, Lennon used his
cell phone to call the police. The policewoman
asked him for the name of the cab company, the
number of the cab, and the name of the driver.
He said that she had to be kidding.
She told Lennon that he could file a missing
items report at the police station or online.
Lennon asked for the online address. It was
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www.nypd.gov/toprotectandtoserve/haveaniceday.
She told him that finding the guitar might take a
couple of yearsfinding guitars was not as
important as finding murderers and marijuana
smokers. Then she told him to have a nice day.
"This year has been depressing," said Lennon.
I had to postpone the recording of two new CDs.
Ive been using borrowed guitars. And I was
losing hope of ever recovering my guitar.
Lennon was reunited with his $100,000 guitar
yesterday. The case and the guitar had been
discovered in the corner of a coffeehouse only
two blocks from where Lennon had lost it in the
first place. Lennon had offered a $10,000 reward
for its return. He said he would give the reward to
the coffeehouse owner, who had notified the
police. The police department prepared a news
release about its success in tracking down the
guitar.
A. Yes/No Questions B. Wh- Questions C. Ask Questions D. Dictation
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71. Stepmother Kills Herself

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Lois Castle, 58, committed suicide
at home with a revolver yesterday.
Two police officers heard a single
gunshot as they were about to knock
on her front door. They were at her
house to arrest her for the 1970
murder of her young stepdaughter.
Castle apparently realized that she
was going to be arrested. Only a
month earlier she had been
interviewed by detectives about
Dorothys death 35 years ago.
In 1970, Castle told police that the
girl had fallen out of a tree she was
climbing and hit her head on a rock.
But Dorothys natural father, Dwayne,
who was married to Castle at the time,
thought his wife was lying. She said
she would hurt me if I bother her
again, Dorothy had told her father
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earlier.
Your little girl is making up stories
about me. I try to love her, but she
rejects me, Castle told Dwayne.
An autopsy was inconclusive, and
the death was ruled accidental.
Dwayne divorced Castle shortly
thereafter.
But the case was reopened recently
when a playmate of Dorothys came
forward. Beverly Lisenby, also seven
at that time, said she was about to
knock on the door of Dorothys house
that fateful day. But instead of
knocking, she listened quietly as she
heard Dorothy screaming for help and
Castle telling her to shut up. Beverly
listened until it was silent inside, then
ran back home. She was so shaken by
the event that she had told no one in
all these years.
The coroner dug up Dorothys body
and did a second autopsy. Using new
crime-solving tools, he determined that
Dorothy had been struck in the skull
several times by a rock the size of a
baseball.
The police are now trying to locate
Dwayne to tell him the good news.
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72. Beautiful Teacher Smiles,
then Walks Away

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The annual teachers meeting was
the only time that all the teachers got
together in one place at one time. It
was a 3-hour meeting, from 7 to 10
p.m. Lecturers talked on various
subjects. Each talk was followed by a
question and answer period. It was an
informal, pleasant evening.
The evening always began with a
delicious dinner catered by a local
restaurant. This years host was a
Middle Eastern restaurant. Teachers
piled as much as they wanted on their
paper plates and found a seat
outdoors or in the auditorium. Most
teachers really seemed to appreciate
the food.
For Shane, this evening was his
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opportunity to check out the female
teachers. This year, a beauty walked
into the auditorium about 10 minutes
late. She sat in the row in front of
Shane, just two seats away. Shane
couldnt believe it. She was not only
the best-looking woman in the
auditorium, but she smiled at him
before she sat down. She was tall and
had long red hair. She was wearing a
sexy black cocktail dress.
Shane could not focus on the
meeting anymore. He looked at the
lecturers less than he looked at the
redhead. He was enveloped in her
perfume. She took notes right-handed.
She ran her fingers through her hair.
She crossed and uncrossed her legs.
Shane was going crazy. Plus, there
was no ring on her left hand.
The meeting ended. The dean
thanked everyone for attending.
Everybody applauded the presenters.
The redhead stood up. Shane stood
up. She smiled at him, and then
walked out. Shane walked out. She
went to the restroom. Shane waited.
When she came out, he walked up to
her.
Hi, he smiled. My names Shane.
I was wondering if you have time for a
cup of coffee. I was hoping we could
share some of our teaching
experiences.
She smiled. Why, thank you. Thats
sweet of you. I appreciate your offer,
but Ive got to get home. My husband
is babysitting tonight, and Im sure hes
pretty tired. Maybe another time? She
smiled, and walked away.
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73. Are Criminals Taking Over
LA?

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A 29-year-old woman was driving
her car in the wrong place at the wrong
time. She was fatally wounded by a
couple of stray bullets. The bullets
were intended for a 20-year-old man,
who was seriously wounded by two
other bullets.
The shootings occurred an hour
before sunset, a mile west of
downtown Los Angeles. Two gang
members attempted to rob the 20-year-
old man. The victim punched one of
his attackers, knocking him down, and
then took off running. As he ran, the
gangsters fired several times and
struck him in the back.
They also put a couple of errant
shots into the head of the woman
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driver. Mortally wounded, she crashed
through the big glass window of a
salon, coming to a stop at the hair-
washing sinks.
Fortunately, the salon was closed
because its owner was at a family
funeral. His nephew had been stabbed
to death by a gang member a week
earlier. The gang member, who was
robbing the nephew, got angry when
all he found in the nephews wallet was
a dollar, an ID card, and a library card.
A library card! the gang member
said angrily. You think you're smarter
than me? If you're so smart, why are
you getting robbed? He then stabbed
the victim multiple times, ripped up the
library card, spit on it, and ran away.
This citys getting ridiculous, said
a local neighborhood watch member.
Criminals are killing people almost
every day. They laugh at us. They
know that, even if convicted, they will
get free housing, free meals, and free
medical care. And they get to sit
around in jail all day reading
magazines! Thats punishment? It
sounds more like a reward! What do
the rest of us get for being HONEST?
We get to work hard all day so we can
die tired and poor.
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74. Police Arrest Happy Van
Driver

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Police in San Dimas pulled over a
florists van yesterday and arrested the
driver, Karl Rover, for smoking and
transporting marijuana. The police got
suspicious when Karl remained
stopped even after the light had turned
green.
One officer asked Karl where he
was headed. Grinning broadly, Karl
said he was making a delivery. The
officer told Karl to turn off the radio,
which was blasting rock music. Dude,
this is the Grateful Dead, Karl
groaned.
A moment later, Karls cell phone
rang. Karl said, Hey, dude. Whats
up? The officer grabbed the phone
from Karl.
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Did you get the cash for the weed?
asked the voice on the other end.
Yes, the officer replied, pretending
that he was Karl.
How much did you get?
$1,000.
$1,000! $1,000! What is the matter
with you? Thats $50,000 worth of
grass, you idiot! Im going to kill you!
The officer laughed when the other
person hung up. He went around to the
back of the van and opened the doors.
Although there were flowers in the
back, there were also many plastic
bags, each about 12 square, packed
tightly with marijuana.
In the cab of the van, a joint was
smoldering in the ashtray. The officer
took it out of the ashtray and held it up
to Karl. What do you know about this?
he asked Karl.
Grinning, Karl said, What do I know
about it? I know everything about it. I
planted it, I watered it, I harvested it,
and I rolled it. Its dynamite weed,
dude. Try it!
The officer brought out his
handcuffs. Karls grin disappeared.
Hey, at least let me have one more
hit!
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75. Open Wide and Say Your
Prayers

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Three months had passed. It was
time for Tony to visit his dental
hygienist again. The visit usually lasted
two to three hours. The hygienist
always went through a list of questions
about his health. Then she took his
pulse and blood pressure. Last, she
ran her gloved finger all around the
inside of his mouth, looking for and
feeling for abnormalities.
On this visit, she found one. It was
a white spot on the side of his tongue.
We often see this in smokers
mouths, she told him. She called the
dentist over.
How long has that been there? he
asked Tony.
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I have no idea, said Tony.
Were going to have to do a
biopsy, the dentist said. It wont
require more than two or three stitches.
We have to make sure this spot is
benign. Well do it right after your teeth
are cleaned.
Tony couldnt eat anything except
soup for a couple of days after the
surgery, nor could he pronounce words
clearly. If the white spot were
malignant, how much more surgery
would be required? How much of his
tongue would be removed? He
regretted all those years of smoking.
A week later, the dentist removed
the stitches and told Tony that the
white spot was benign. Tony was
relieved.
A few days afterward, Tony was
talking to a friend of his who was a
long-time smoker. You really ought to
quit, he suggested. That was a good
scare I just got from my dentist. Getting
part of your tongue cut out is not a
pleasant thought.
I'm not worried. Youve got to die
of something. I've got a greater chance
of getting killed by a drunk driving a
white SUV than by some white spot on
my tongue. Besides, this is my only
vice. I need to be able to enjoy
something in life, dont I?
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76. The Final Phone Call

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But I love you so much, she said.
I think I must be crazy. I cant stop
thinking about you. I want to be with
you all the time. I want to marry you.
Maybe you are a little crazy, he
said. Although I think thats part of
being in love. But you hardly know me.
I like you, but Im not in love with you. I
dont think I could ever be in love with
you.
Why not?
I dont know, he lied. Youre not
my type.
Im not your type, she repeated.
What is your type? A woman with no
wrinkles and a perfect body? A woman
who is beautiful even when she wakes
up? A movie star? Is that your type?
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No, of course not, he lied again. I
dont know. Im like everybody else
youre either attracted to a certain
person or youre not.
So youre not attracted to me?
Well, I didnt say that, he lied a
third time.
Im making a fool of myself. You
might even be laughing at me. You
dont love me. You just said that you
never could love me.
No, I said I could never be IN love
with you, he said.
Love, in love. What difference
does it make any more? I apologize. It
was nice of you to put up with me.
Please forgive me for making a fool of
myself and for bothering you. I will
never call you again. I must try to
forget you now. I am dropping out of
school tomorrow; I cant go there
without thinking of you. My heart is so
sad.
She hung up. Alan walked outside.
What was he supposed to do? He
liked her, but he certainly didnt love
her. Lead her on with lies, or tell her
the truth now?
There was a beautiful full moon. But
he felt sad. He knew that Natalie was
probably crying right now. She must be
so lonely.
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77. The Doctors Almost
Perfect Children

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Veronica was an only child. Even as
a child, she decided that she was
going to be a doctor. All her dolls
became her patients. All her
dollhouses became hospitals for her
patients. She spent her early childhood
treating her patients for all kinds of
diseases and injuries. She saved all of
them and billed none of them.
Veronica got straight As in high
school and college, because she knew
that good grades would help her get
into a good medical school. She
graduated from medical school near
the top of her class. She became a
pediatrician. She got married and had
two kids, one boy and one girl.
Veronicas husband David was an
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architect and a great cook. Her
children did their homework without
being told. They got straight As in
school. They ate all their vegetables
without complaining. They were perfect
little children, except for one thing:
They argued with each other
constantly.
Veronica got home at 4:30 p.m.
today. David gave her a big kiss and a
hug. Then her kids gave her a kiss and
a hug. She went upstairs and changed
into shorts and a T-shirt. When she
returned, the kids were waiting for her
in the living room to talk about their
day in school.
Marvin, 10, said that today his
biology teacher helped them cut up
dead frogs. They smelled bad, but he
enjoyed seeing their little body parts,
like their lungs and heart. I like
biology, Marvin said. I want to be a
biologist, an animal doctor, and an
inventor when I grow up. Im going to
invent a pill so that animals all learn to
live together without eating each other
all the time.
Youre crazy! exclaimed Rebecca.
What are the animals going to eat if
they dont eat each other?
You dont know anything. Youre a
girl and youre only nine, taunted
Marvin.
Marvin, be polite to your sister,
Veronica admonished.
Yes, maam, he said. I apologize,
dear little sister.
That didnt sound very sincere,
mommy, Rebecca complained.
Okay, heres how Ill keep the
animals from eating each other. I
already thought of that, of course. The
solution is a pill that will make all
animals like to eat grass, like the cows
and sheep do. That way no more
animals will eat each other, and kids
wont have to mow the lawn any more.
So, that will kill two birds with one
stone.
Well, thats very clever, Veronica
told Marvin.
Now, tell us about your day,
Rebecca, Veronica said.
Well, as you know, mommy, Im
going to be a real doctor like you, not a
mad scientist like somebody I know,
Rebecca started, and then stuck her
tongue out at her brother.
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78. There Goes the
Neighborhood!

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Carbon Street is a long, tree-lined
street with majestic houses on either
side. The houses are owned by
millionaires who cherish their quiet,
residential street. Throughout the day,
the only noise is usually the sound of
various birds singing in the trees or the
occasional jetliner flying high overhead.
Not even the sound of gas leaf blowers
or gas lawn mowers invades the
silence.
But, nothing lasts forever. Carbon
Street is about to change. Mr. Bing, a
self-made billionaire, has a plan. A big
plan. A big plan for a big house. Mr.
Bing says he likes to do everything big.
I like to make a statement. Whats
the use of being on this planet if others
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dont know that youre here? After
years of searching all over the world, I
have determined that Carbon Street is
the perfect place to live. I plan to build
the biggest house in the world at the
end of this street. Construction will
take about three years, but it will be
worth it. Im going to throw at least one
party every weekend for all my friends.
Its going to be fantastic!
Its going to be a nightmare, said
one neighbor. Were already talking to
some realtors. Three years of
construction. Three years of trucks
going back and forth every day. And
then parties every weekend? We can't
even sue himI think hes got more
money than our whole state. No, its
time to move. We went from having the
nicest neighborhood to having the
worst neighborhood, all because of
one new neighbor. I wonder who the
idiot is who told him about our street.
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79. Lets Go to Vegas!

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Sandra had not been to Las Vegas
in more than a year. She was excited.
Her sister Janice was coming by to
pick her up in about ten minutes.
Sandra finished putting her toothbrush
and toothpaste into her travel bag;
those were the last two items on her
to pack list.
She had called ahead, of course, to
get a room for Janice and herself. The
hotel told her that no more rooms were
available at the price that was
advertised in the newspaper. This was
no surprise to Sandra. So, she put
down a $100 nonrefundable deposit on
a room for two nights. The cost for
both nights was going to be $200 plus
taxes, surcharges, and other fees.
She looked at her watch. Janice
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was late, of course. Sandra had
forgotten to remind Janice of todays
departure time. To put it kindly, Janice
was not exactly the most organized
person in the world. Sandra called
Janice up. She left a short message:
Where are you? Its time to go to
Vegas!
A few minutes later, Janice called
back. She had a big problema
schedule conflict. She had already
promised to attend her daughters
eighth-grade graduation ceremony this
very weekend.
Oh, Sandra, Im so sorry, Janice
said. I know how much you had
wanted to do this. I thought Alices
graduation ceremony and party were
next week. I get so confused
sometimes. Ill make this up to you, I
promise. Maybe you can call up Lily;
she might be available, even though
its really short notice. If not, dont
worry, Ill pay you for everything and
we can make plans again.
Sandra sighed and dialed her friend
Lily. She wondered how Janice had
made it through life so unorganized.
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80. Squirrel Attacks Woman in
Golf Cart

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A woman golfing with her husband
and her mother was taken to the local
hospital yesterday afternoon. The
woman was struck by a golf cart driven
by her mom.
Ginger Rogers, 55, was hit by the
cart about 2 p.m. at Fairway Golf
Course. She was examining her 50-
foot putt on the par 5 tenth hole when
she heard her mother scream. Ginger
turned around just in time to see her
mom driving straight toward her. The
force of the collision knocked her over,
and the cart then ran over her foot.
Her mom, 81 years old, said that a
squirrel had jumped up into the cart
looking for snacks. She tried to shoo
the squirrel away. Instead, it rose up
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on its hind feet and made a hissing
sound. Startled and frightened, the old
lady hit the gas pedal.
The paramedics arrived about 15
minutes later and treated Ginger for a
broken left ankle. They gave a mild
sedative to her mother, who kept
muttering, Vicious, simply vicious.
Then they took Ginger to the hospital.
Mr. Rogers promised his wife he would
visit her after he finished his round.
John Dean, an attorney for the golf
course, said the golf course was not
responsible for the actions of its
animals. He added, If the ladies want
to sue, theyll have to sue the squirrel.
Were still assessing the damage to the
cart and the green. It looks fairly light; I
doubt that the driver will owe us more
than $1,000.
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81. He Goes to War to Save
His Baby

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Roland was a carpenter in Virginia.
He and Sheila had three kidstwo
boys and baby Jessica. The baby had
been in and out of the hospital for the
last year because of infections and
other problems. She was very weak
and sick. The doctors were not
confident that she would live another
year.
Taking care of Jessica was
expensive. The family was deep in
debt. Roland, an independent
subcontractor, had medical insurance,
but he had very high deductibles.
Things were bad. Roland saw no
light at the end of this tunnel. Then he
saw an ad in the newspaper: Security
guards/contract workers wanted.
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$100,000 a year. First $80,000 tax
free. $20,000 bonus for extending
contract an extra year. He called the
number. The line was busy, but he
kept calling and finally got through. He
was worried that the jobs were all
taken, but they told him plenty of jobs
were still available. They said they
would give him two weeks of training in
Texas. Then they would fly him to Iraq
for his assignment.
Roland told Sheila he had to take
this job. He knew it was dangerous; he
might get injured or killed, but the
money was too good. Plus, the family
would have full medical benefits, which
would enable the baby to get the care
she needed. Roland said if he survived
the first year, he would probably sign
up for the bonus and a second year.
Sheila was worried. She asked,
What if you get killed? What are we
going to do without you?
You cant think like that, honey, he
said. Youve got to think positive.
Think about how well off well be in two
or three years after I bring back all that
money. This is the best thing I could
do for this family.
Sheila hugged him and sobbed. I
dont want you to go.
Roland flew to Houston five days
later.
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82. English Is Confusing

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Good evening, everybody! said
the teacher, Donna. Where is
everybody? That was sort of a daily
joke by Donna. Usually the class
started with only two or three students
present, and then filled up as the
minutes went by. It was summertime.
Summer school was only eight weeks
long. Class attendance was always
smaller than during fall and spring
semesters.
I dont know, teacher. Maybe they
late or no come, said one student.
Maybe watching TV football tonight.
Is there a soccer game tonight? It
seems like theres a soccer game
every night. Oh, well. Lets get started,
okay? Were on page 36 in the
workbook. Tonight were studying
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participles as adjectives. Students are
always confused when they learn
about the present and past participles,
so we will practice this a lot. Tonight,
were just going to practice the present
participle.
The present participle tells us what
emotion or feeling the subject is
causing. For example, Grammar is
boring means that the subject
grammarcauses an emotion of
boredom. If we say, The movie is
interesting, we are saying that the
movie causes a feeling of interest. If
we say, The roller coaster is exciting,
we are saying that the roller coaster
causes a feeling of excitement. Any
questions so far? Am I confusing you?
Is everyone confused?
The classroom was quiet. Donna
looked at blank faces. They were
confused. She knew this would take a
while. But eventually, the faster
students would grasp it, and then they
would help the slower students. By the
end of the evening, most of the class
would feel comfortable using the
present participle.
Donna erased the board and put
some new examples on it. She loved
guiding her students through difficult
topics like this one. She always felt a
little bit thrilled when the look of
understanding came to their faces.
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83. Pump Up the Tires and
Ride the Bike

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The blue bike was sitting in Owens
living room. It had no kickstand, so he
had wedged the front tire in between
two bookshelves so that the bike would
stand upright. Both tires were flat. Dust
covered the bike. However, no
household spiders had set up a web
site. When was the last time I rode this
thing, he wondered as he looked at it.
It was Sunday. Sunset was still
almost two hours away. The
temperature had been 86 at noon, but
had dropped to about 76. Owen had
spent Saturday and most of Sunday
cleaning up his apartment. The termite
inspector was coming on Monday.
Owen wanted the inspector to be able
to inspect without tripping over boxes,
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books, fishing rods, and golf clubs.
Owen was going to reward himself
with a late afternoon bicycle ride. He
enjoyed riding or walking through his
neighborhood with its many beautiful
houses, yards, and trees. But first, he
had to inflate both bike tires. He got
out a hand air pump he had bought at
a thrift shop for only $2. The pump
nozzle adapter didnt fit onto the bikes
valve stem. Nothing is ever simple, he
thought.
He looked for his new pump, the
one that had cost $10. It had all the
bells and whistles: high volume air flow
on both up and down strokes, quick
lock valve adapter and four nozzle
adapters, air gauge, and footplate for
easy pumping. It was a beauty. Of
course, Owen couldnt find it. Ive got
everything, but I cant find anything,
Owen muttered.
As usual, Owen did find one thing
while he was looking for another thing.
He found another used pump that he
had been looking for a month ago. It
was a big, heavy, steel pump that had
an air gauge and a small leak
somewhere. Owen connected the
pump to the rear tire. He started
pumping. The small leak seemed to
have gotten bigger. Owen stopped
counting after the first 80 pumps; finally
the dial hit 65 psi. He was huffing and
puffing. He went to the refrigerator and
got a diet soda. After finishing it, he
pumped up the front tire. Sweat
dripped from his forehead. That was a
good workout, he thought as he
finished off a second soda. He
screwed the valve stem caps back on.
He stood back and admired his new
tires proudly.
The bike was now ready to ride.
Owen, however, felt a little tired. Plus,
he was hungry. In fact, it looked like it
was getting too dark for a long ride.
Theres always tomorrow, he thought
as he opened the refrigerator door.
The chilled air felt good.
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84. Dont Go Swimming on an
Empty Stomach

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Pete had lived in Florida for 20
years. A boring 20 years, he often
thought. His house was only a 10-
minute walk from the Gulf. He walked
to the sandy white beach almost every
day. Bobs Liquors was at the corner,
halfway to the beach. It was the only
store within a mile. It sold cold beer
and cigarettes, which were the only
two things that interested Pete today.
The owner of Bobs was Bill. Bill had
bought the store from Bob, but never
renamed the store. 'Bobs' has a nice
ring to it, he told curious customers.
Also, of course, keeping the old name
saved him money, time, and trouble.
When the water was unsafe, the
lifeguards would put red flags all up
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and down the beach to warn swimmers
to stay out of the water. Today was a
red flag day. Fierce riptides and lots of
jellyfish were predicted for the next 48
hours.
Although windy and completely
overcast, it was a warm September
day. Pete stopped at Bobs. Bill said
hello and told Pete to be careful
because of the riptide reports. He
asked, Whatll it be today, Pete?
Pete ordered the usuala pack of
cigarettes and beer. Bill put the six-
pack into a double paper bag because
that helped keep the beer cold longer.
Pete paid him and said goodbye. He
walked out the door and crossed the
two-lane street, not bothering to look in
either direction.
The flags were flapping loudly.
Small waves were splashing onto the
beach. Sea gulls were walking at
waters edge. Low thunder rumbled
occasionally in the distance. An
irregular line showed where wet sand
met dry sand. Pete sat down on the
dry sand. He opened a can of beer
and lit a cigarette. There was no one
else at the beach, except a woman
walking away from him, stopping
frequently to examine seashells. Pete
watched a pelican dive into the water.
Far away on the horizon, a stationary
ship floated.
Pete was a strong swimmer. He
had learned to swim when he was four
years old. In grade school and high
school, he won numerous swimming
and diving tournaments. His parents
had high hopes that he would compete
in the Olympics.
Pete opened the fifth beer and lit
yet another cigarette. The woman
collecting seashells had disappeared
from sight. He got up and walked into
the water. When the water was almost
thigh-high, he felt the current tugging
at him. A jellyfish stung him behind his
right knee. He took a final drag on his
cigarette and flicked it into the water.
He finished the beer, filled the empty
can with sea water, and threw it back
onto the beach. He looked at the ship.
Then he dove in and started
swimming.
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85. The Park That Went to the
Dogs

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When Winnie and Arnold bought
their house at the end of a cul-de-sac
in 1980, they thought they had died
and gone to heaven. There were only
four houses on the street. Between
their house and their neighbors house
was a dirt pathway. The path led to a
city-owned dog park, where dog
owners could let their dogs run free.
But there was no parking lot for dog
owners cars. Dog owners had to park
on the street, and then walk their dogs
to the leash-free park.
In 1980 no one seemed to know
about the park. The only people who
used it were the people who lived in
the neighborhood. The neighbors used
to joke that they had their own private
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dog park.
Those were the good old days.
Things have changed. The park has
become like California in the Gold
Rush days. Everyone knows about it.
A dog may be mans best friend, but
1,000 dogs certainly are not.
Over the years, the neighborhood
association, consisting of about 70
houses nearest to the park, has
begged the city council to reduce park
hours. It is open from 7:00 to 7:00
seven days a week. But some dog
owners actually arrive at 6:00, saying
that they needed to beat the rush. To
save walking distance, others park in
neighborhood driveways. Others bring
boom boxes and play music loudly in
the park. Others knock on
neighborhood doors and ask to use the
bathroom. Weekends are even worse
than weekdays. Whole families spend
the day with their dogs. People, dogs,
noise, and trash are everywhere.
Were stuck here, said Arnold.
Ive been trying to sell my place for
five years. But when buyers see all this
dog traffic, they take off running. What
a joke. This place was heaven when
we first moved here. Now its hell.
The city council has ignored the
neighborhood associations pleas for
help. A council member said, We
have to meet the public demand. This
no-leash park is very popular. Im
sorry, but if the homeowners dont like
it, they can always move. This is a free
country, you know.
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86. Brother, Can You Spare a
Carburetor?

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Daniel needed a new carburetor for
his car. Well, not a new one. A new
one would cost at least $250. Even a
rebuilt one would cost about $110. The
cheapest thing to do was to go to a
salvage yard.
California has about 50 salvage
yards. Most of them are in southern
California. The yards range in size
from 10 acres to 70 acres, holding
anywhere from 300 to 3,000
abandoned, wrecked, or cheaply sold
cars. The yards are usually located
outside of downtown but near a
freeway ramp.
A salvage yard might pay you up to
$200 to take your rundown car off your
hands. Before they place it in the yard,
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however, they will remove all its liquids
oil, gas, coolant, brake fluid,
transmission fluid, power steering fluid,
and windshield washer solvent.
Vehicles usually sit in the yard for only
a month before they are crushed,
stacked, and then transported to a
recycler.
Vehicle parts are inexpensive, but
you have to remove them yourself. The
carburetor that Daniel needed was
only $20. Nothing in the yard, however,
comes with a guarantee. If it doesnt
work or fit, you can replace it with a
similar item, but you wont get your
money back.
Daniel borrowed his brothers car.
After paying the $3 entry fee to the
man in the little wooden shack, Daniel
walked into the yard. He walked about
five minutes before he found the
foreign car section. It looked like there
were at least 200 cars. It was sunny
and hot. There was no shade
anywhere in the yard. Carrying his
toolbox, Daniel went searching for a
matching carburetor.
Almost three hours later, Daniel
was back at the shack. He bought
himself a cold soda from a machine. A
few minutes later, he paid the $20 plus
tax and walked out of the yard. Driving
home, he wondered if all the work was
worth the savings. If the carburetor
didnt work, hed have to do this all
over again.
When he got home, his brother
Monty was standing next to Daniels
car. Monty had a big smile on his face.
Hey, guess what? It wasnt your
carburetor. It was the fuel filter. I
changed it, and your car runs great
now.
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87. Golf Like a Girl, Manage
Like a Man

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He was in his 60s. He was short,
fat, and arrogant. He was the plant
manager, the supervisor, the boss! His
name was Tom. He relished every
minute of his power. He yelled at the
employees. He called them names. He
smoked daily, even though it was
against the law to smoke in the
workplace. He didnt care. As the
license plate on his car said, he was
The Boss.
California is an at will state. That
means that your employer can let you
go for no reason (Youre fired!) or
almost any reason ("Youre fired
because youre too tall!). You can take
your firing to court if it involves
discriminationsexism, racism, or
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ageism. However, even if you were
discriminated against, proving it in
court is difficult.
Tom considered himself a macho
man. He did not know that his
employees considered him a jerk. They
made fun of him behind his back. They
called him Tommy Troll because he
was short and mean and had no
manners. Never once had anyone
heard Tom use the words Please,
Thank You, Excuse Me, or Im Sorry.
Everyone wanted to attend his
funeral. But that wasnt going to
happen soon. After his last physical, he
presented his blood test report at a
weekly staff meeting. Every item on
that report was within the acceptable
range. The doctor said I'll live to be
100, he said proudly, immediately
depressing most of the employees.
Tom played golf every Sunday with
some other supervisors. He was a bad
golfer, but he thought he was good. He
liked to joke around and make fun of
other golfers. On the first tee last
Sunday, Tom joked about a golfer who
had just teed off: Look at that guy. He
swings like a girl. Tom laughed
heartily at his own joke. His buddies
were silent.
What did you say? asked the
golfer angrily. He had overheard Toms
remark. He was a mean-looking man.
Uh, nothing, Tom said.
Yes, you did. You said I swing like
a girl. Now Ive got something to say.
You apologize like a good little girl, or
Ill give you a fresh knuckle sandwich.
In front of his golf buddies, Tom
meekly apologized. After only nine
holes, during which Tom was unusually
quiet, he excused himself and went
home. He said he had a headache.
But his friends thought it was shame
that was eating at him. The next day,
Tom was still upset. He told Bill to
report to his office. He had never liked
Bill. He always wondered why he had
hired him in the first place.
Im letting you go. I dont need you
here. Your last day is Friday."
Bill wasnt surprised. Saying
nothing, he spat on Toms desk and
walked out.
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88. Take Me Out to the Ball
Game

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Ralph and Ilene hadnt been to a
baseball game in about five years.
They were only 15 miles from the
stadium, but the heavy traffic on game
day made those 15 miles seem more
like 60 miles. It took about an hour to
get to the stadium. Then, when the
game was over, it took half an hour
just to get out of the parking lot. Then
the drive home was another hour. In
other words, the traveling took longer
than the game itself.
Honey, the Giants are in town,
Ilene said. I want to see Barry Bonds
hit a home run. Can we go to the
game? We havent gone in such a long
time.
Youre right. It has been a while.
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OK, Ill go if you dont mind driving,
said Ralph.
Great! Lets get ready. If we get
there early enough, I might get his
autograph. Maybe hell hit a foul ball
we can catch. Ilene was excited.
We!? Ralph thought.
An hour later they were in their car.
They lived in Pasadena near an old
church. They went south on Orange
Grove and then south on the 110
freeway. The 110 is Californias
original freeway, full of twists and
turns. Accidents occur daily; California
drivers think yellow lights and sharp
curves mean the same thingspeed
up!
The traffic was lighter than they
expected. They arrived at the stadium
40 minutes before game time. They
paid the $8 parking fee, parked and
locked the car, and walked to the main
entrance.
Several individuals were standing
around outside the stadium, looking
casual but actually selling tickets on
the sly. Are you going to buy from a
scalper? asked Ilene.
Yes. Just like last time. That one
looks honest, Ralph replied.
They walked over to a man in a red
cap. Ralphs instincts were correct.
The man had tickets for good seats at
a fair price. Ralph gave the man $45
and thanked him.
Dont thank me, my friend. Thank
your local police department. Put your
hands behind your back, please.
Youre under arrest.
What? Ralph was astonished.
Whats going on?
Buying scalped tickets is illegal in
Los Angeles, said the undercover
police officer. Its been illegal for 25
years. Dont worry. The police station
is right outside the park. Well have
you back here right after we book you.
You can pay the $150 fine with your
credit card. The officer handcuffed
Ralph.
This has got to be a joke. You
people have never enforced this law
before, said Ralph.
Well, weve got a new mayor and
he wants us to enforce all the laws that
bring in money. Come with me, please.
Ill have you back here in 20 minutes.
Maam, you can wait here for him. You
might want to buy some legitimate
tickets while you're waiting. Have a
nice day. Oh, and enjoy the game!
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89. Take This Job and Shove It

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Maxwell had not held a steady job
in almost two years. Today was a big
day, because he was going to a job
interview that he felt good about. The
secretary he had talked to on the
phone sounded friendly and
encouraging.
Maxwell was a typist. His fingers
danced on the keyboard. However, his
people skills were not nearly as good
as his typing skills. Sometimes his
mouth got in the way of his
employment. At his last steady job, his
boss had told him to start making
coffee every morning. Maxwell
laughed. Im not making coffee, he
said. Its not part of my job
description.
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Read the employee manual again,
his boss said. Your job description is
anything I say it is.
Thats a womans job, said
Maxwell. Do it yourself.
His boss was still yelling as Maxwell
walked out of the building. He felt great
about telling off the boss. A few days
later, the reality of not having a job hit
home. He had to pay the rent and
utility bills, and he had to eat. What
was he going to do?
He thought about apologizing and
asking for his job back. But how would
that look? Then again, who cares how
it looks when youre almost broke?
After thinking about it for another week,
he finally called his boss and
apologized. His boss accepted his
apology, but said that he had already
hired a replacement.
Maxwell contacted a temporary job
agency, which provided him enough
occasional work to pay his bills. But
none of the companies that he was
sent to were hiring. So Maxwell was
excited about finally getting an
interview for a steady job.
Maxwells drive to the interview was
disappointing. The traffic was
congested and the neighborhood
looked rough. It took him 45 minutes to
get there. The building was covered
with graffiti.
The interview started 30 minutes
late. Not bothering to apologize, the
manager lit a cigarette and took a sip
from his coffee cup. He leaned back in
his chair and put his feet up on his
desk. He asked Maxwell a lot of
questions. Maxwell thought that each
question was stupider than the
preceding question. The final question
was, Where would you like to be 10
years from now?
What does that have to do with
typing? Maxwell wondered. Stupid
questions from a rude man in a lousy
neighborhood! Where would he like to
be 10 years from now?
Anywhere but this dump! Maxwell
said angrily, as he stood up and
walked out.
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90. Where Did That Book Go?

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Samuel was back at the thrift shop.
He had walked into the shop with only
one goal in mindto find a book that
he had NOT bought yesterday. The
book was one of seven that he had
piled up yesterday. He was going to
buy all of them. But at the last
moment, he changed his mind. He put
all seven back on the shelf.
Samuel had a personal library at
home that exceeded 1,000 books
almost all unread. He subscribed to
seven magazines and one daily
newspaper. Samuel had more reading
material in his small apartment than he
could finish in two lifetimes, yet his
urge to buy more books raged on.
He finally put his foot down. Not
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one more book, he told himself, unless
it was really special. Yesterdays book
fit the bill. It was a biography of one of
his favorite authorsStephen King.
King is one of Americas most popular
fiction authors. But it wasnt easy for
King; early in his career, he got
hundreds of rejection slips. Samuel
wanted to be a great writer. King was
his role model.
Samuel immediately found one of
the books he had piled up yesterday,
and then another one. All right, he
thought. This was going to be easy. In
minutes, he found all the books that he
had held in his hands yesterday,
except onethe Stephen King book.
Gee, what a surprise, he thought. The
one book that I want to find is the one
book that I cant find.
Samuel took a walk throughout the
store, knowing that people often pick
up merchandise in one place and then
leave it in another place. The book was
a thick paperback with a red cover. But
it was nowhere to be found.
So for Samuel, the Big Hunt was
on. He was now a man on a mission.
Every thrift shop he went to would
involve a search for the King book.
This new search added purpose to his
thrift shop life.
Samuel had held something special
in his hands. But only when he let it go
did he realize its value. When he found
it again, he would place the King book
prominently on his bookshelf. It would
almost certainly be his favorite book
that he never got around to reading.
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91. When Youve Got Your
Health, You've Got Everything

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Hannahs daddy was a teacher who
barely made enough money to raise
his six kids. Hannah wore hand-me-
downs from her older sisters. For
Christmas she usually got used dolls
and books. As a child, she yearned to
have the beautiful clothes, cars, and
homes that she often saw on TV and
in magazines.
Several years after she graduated
from college, she became part-owner
of a successful interior decorating
business in Manhattan. Her life
became what she had dreamed about
as a little girl. A successful business
woman, she had a handsome, wealthy
fianc. She owned her own co-op near
Central Park. She took skiing vacations
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in the winter and exotic cruises in the
summer. At the age of 30, Hannah
was on top of the world.
Then she underwent a routine
health checkup, and her perfect world
crumbled. Her doctor told her that she
had pancreatic cancer. Surgery was
necessary to determine how much the
cancer had spread. Hannah was
operated on a week later. The surgeon
suspected that cancer had spread to
vital organs. Ten days later, the lab
confirmed his suspicions.
Hannahs doctor said he could treat
her with chemotherapy and painkillers,
but it was just a matter of time before
the cancer killed her. She asked how
much time. He guessed that she had
less than a year to live. How can this
be, Hannah wondered. Doesnt this
always happen to someone else?
A couple of weeks later, she visited
another cancer specialist. He
examined her and read her medical
and lab reports. He said he agreed
with her surgeon. If you have any
once-in-a-lifetime plans, do them now,
he advised.
Instead, Hannah spent her last
months in her co-op, tended to by
hospice workers. Her family and
friends visited her regularly. The
moment before she died, she opened
her eyes and tried to say something to
her fianc. She squeezed his hand
weakly.
She was in constant pain, her
fianc said. At the end, she could
barely whisper. She weighed 80
pounds when she died. I cant believe
that God allows things like this to
happen to people.
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92. It Doesnt Have That New
Car Smell

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Dylans car was 20 years old, but
the faded paint made it look even
older. His friend Joe told him no girl
would ever go out in a car that looked
like that. So Dylan took the car to a
paint shop and got it painted dark blue
for only $200. He was very pleased
with the new look. The car stereo did
not work. Joe told him that no girl
wanted to be in a car without a good
sound system. So Dylan bought a nice
stereo and installed it himself.
Months went by. One day, Dylan
told Joe that no girl had ridden in his
new car yet. Thats because there
are other problems, Joe told him. Like
what? Well, you dont exactly have
the worlds best personality, Joe said.
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Thats a little more important than a
paint job. So Dylan told Joe he would
ask a psychologist to give him a new
personality.
Recently, Dylan had a new problem
gasoline. He smelled gas after he
started his car; he smelled it while
driving the car. Was he driving a
bomb? What if someone tossed out a
cigarette near his car? Would it
explode into a thousand pieces
pieces that included Dylan?
That night, he opened his car
manual. It was a well-thumbed book.
He had a car problem at least once a
month, and he was always looking up
ways to fix the problems. He thought
this might be a carburetor problem.
The next day, he took his toolbox
out to his car. He opened the hood. He
started up the car and looked all
around the carburetor for a gas leak.
He could smell the gas, but he couldnt
find a liquid trail. After a few minutes,
however, he found the source of the
problem. It was the fuel line.
All right! he thought. All I have to
do is buy a new line and install it. But
it wasnt long before he realized that
this was a job for a mechanic. So he
got into his car, opened all the
windows, and drove to the closest
mechanic. The mechanic quoted Dylan
a price of only $50. He told Dylan to
come back in an hour.
Dylan walked down the street to the
coffee shop and bought himself a cup
of coffee. He read the paper, drank the
coffee, and then walked back to the
shop.
We couldnt fix it, said the
mechanic. The fuel line wasnt the
problem; you need a new fuel pump.
A new fuel pump? How much is
that? Dylan asked.
Parts and labor? I think itll be
about $200. Well have to special-order
the pump. This car is so old that they
might not even make pumps for it any
more. Do you want me to try to order it
for you? Youll have to put the money
up first, of course.
Let me think about it. Heres the
$50 I owe you. Ill give you a call when
I decide what to do.
But Dylan had already decided what
to do. He had bought his car for only
$1,100, but had put over $3,000 into it
since then. When he got home, he
called the Car Donation Corporation.
They would take the car off his hands
for free. Enough was enough. It was
time to let go.
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93. Rich Man Invites Poor
Student to Dinner

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Jodie liked her apartment. She had
a beautiful view to the south. A nearby
tree was home to two squirrels. She
liked to watch them. So did her cat.
Mrs. Neely owned the apartment
building. She was an old lady who
spoke with a thick Norwegian accent.
Jodie and Mrs. Neely got along very
well. Mrs. Neely said that Jodie
reminded her of her daughter, who had
died in a car crash years ago. Mrs.
Neely was a widow. She kept busy by
volunteering at the local library and
senior center. An excellent baker, she
often brought bread and pastries to
Jodie.
Youre trying to make me fat,
laughed Jodie one day. How will I
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ever find a boyfriend?
I still cant believe that Prince
Charming hasnt found you, said Mrs.
Neely. Maybe youre just too pretty
and too smart for the young men
around here.
Jodie was going to graduate school
at night. She had a day job as a
teachers assistant in the fourth grade.
She loved teaching kids. The principal
had already told her that a full-time
teaching job was hers after she got her
master's degree.
Arent there any nice boys in your
graduate classes, Jodie? Mrs. Neely
asked.
There are some, said Jodie. But
theyre either married, or have a
girlfriend, or are too focused on getting
their degree. And dont forget, I have
to concentrate on graduating, so I
really shouldnt be dating anyway.
Well, thats just a shame, said
Mrs. Neely. Youre too pretty to be
alone. But dont worry. You keep doing
your homework, and Ill be on the
lookout for you. She winked at Jodie.
Jodie smiled. She loved Mrs. Neely.
Mrs. Neely died not long after that
conversation. She had a stroke while
mixing some batter for cookies. An
ambulance took her to the hospital,
where she died a day later.
Her son Ned was Mrs. Neelys sole
heir. Ned had been married and
divorced three times. None of his
wives had anything nice to say about
him. Ned didnt care. He was looking
for Wife Number Four.
Ned introduced himself to Jodie
right after Mrs. Neelys funeral on
Saturday. He knew about Jodie
because Mrs. Neely had told him about
her. Ned said he was afraid that he
might have to double her rent. Also, no
pets were allowed in the building.
Youll have to take your cat to the
pound, he said.
In that case, she said, Im moving
out.
I was joking, of course. Youre very
pretty, said Ned.
Thank you, said Jodie.
Come to dinner with me at Chez
Maison tonight and we can discuss
your apartment and your cat. Ned had
an air of confidence that Jodie found
mildly attractive.
That might be nice, she found
herself saying. Ned told her he would
pick her up at 8 and left. Jodie
wondered if she was doing the right
thing. She didnt even know this guy.
Oh well, she thought, it would be nice
to eat at a fancy restaurant for a
change.
She picked up some cat food on her
way home.
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94. It Only Rings When I'm in
the Bathroom

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Uncle Harry had no answering
machine because hardly anyone ever
called. Most of his friends and relatives
were already dead. He had outlived
them all, even though he smoked and
drank most of his life. So much for all
their talk about clean living, he
sometimes thought.
The only person who talked to
Uncle Harry regularly was his nephew
Teddy. Teddy called several times a
week, just for a few minutes to say
hello and see if everything was OK.
Some days Teddy had to call twice or
more because Uncle Harry didn't
answer the first phone call. When he
finally did get through, Uncle Harry
would chastise Teddy for his bad
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timing. How do you always manage to
call me when I'm in the bathroom? he
would ask.
Tuesday morning, Teddy let the
phone ring ten times. He then hung up
and went back to work. That afternoon
he called Uncle Harry again. Again, no
answer. A couple of hours later, he
called again. Still no answer. He called
Ira, Uncle Harrys next-door neighbor.
Hello, said Ira.
Hi, Ira, this is Teddy.
Hi, Teddy. How are you?
Oh, Im fine, Ira. But Im a little
worried about Uncle Harry. I called him
three times today and he didnt answer
once. I dont think he could have been
in the bathroom all three times, do
you?
No, I dont think so, laughed Ira.
He does complain about that, doesnt
he? Anyway, Ill go next door and see
whats up. If he doesnt open the door,
I know where he hides his spare key.
Ill call you back in a bit, okay?
Okay, Ira. Thanks a lot, Teddy
said.
A while later, Teddys phone rang. It
was Ira. He sounded shaken. Teddy,
Im sorry it took so long. I have bad
news. Harry didn't answer the door, so
I used his spare key. He was dead,
Teddy. Im sorry.
Oh, my gosh! Thats terrible!
I called the hospital, and they told
me to call the coroners office. The
coroner said they were busy, and
wouldnt be able to make it here until
tomorrow or the day after.
What happened? Did he fall? Did
he die in his sleep? Is he lying on the
bed with a peaceful look on his face?
Not exactly, Teddy. Hes lying on
the bathroom floor with a look of
surprise on his face. We can move him
to his bed later. But right now Ive got
to go home, Teddy. I think I might be in
shock or something. I dont feel right.
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95. It Was an Old, Worthless
Clock

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It was an old clock, but it still told
the correct time. The face had a faded
picture of Andys parents taken when
they were newlyweds. Aside from
some photos, the clock was the only
memento Andy had of his mom and
dad.
His father died of cancer in 1964.
Then his mom moved to a private
nursing home. She had many friends
there. The nursing home, however,
went bankrupt. They moved her into a
state nursing home. She hated it there.
She asked Andy to help her move
into a private nursing home again. She
had spent most of her husbands
savings on living expenses at the first
nursing home. Andy said he would try.
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But Andy had no savings. He was a
sergeant in the Army, and all his
money went to his wife and three kids.
He called his older brother Frank, who
was single and had a great job. Frank
was an avid deep-sea fisherman and
was interested in buying a large boat
for weekend use.
Frank, I dont have the money now,
but you do, Andy pleaded. Just pay
for Mom and Ill owe you for half of the
nursing home costs.
Youll owe me? You dont have two
nickels to rub together, and probably
never will. Ill get stuck for the whole
bill. What about my boat?
What boat?
Never mind. Let me think about it,
and I'll get back to you.
Frank never did send his mom the
money to move into a private nursing
home. Alone and unhappy, she died in
the state nursing home only a year
later. Andy never forgave his brother.
Many years went by. Franks health
declined. He called up Andy one day.
Andy, I feel really bad about not
helping out Mom. I was too interested
in getting that boat. The older Ive
gotten, the more guilt I feel. My days
are numbered, Andy. I was wondering
if you would send me that clock, just
for a little while. I want to beg Mom to
forgive me.
Andy was very reluctant to part with
his clock, but he did feel a little sorry
for Frank.
Frank died ten months later. One of
Franks nieces, Flo, was the executor
of his estate. Flo had hired a lawyer to
help her Uncle Frank rewrite his will in
his dying days. Strangely enough, Flo
got everything.
She made sure Uncle Frank was
buried a day after his death. No
announcement was made about his
funeral, which Flo kept privateat the
20-minute service, Flo was the only
mourner. Flo sold Uncle Franks
house, car, and boat within the week.
Everything of lesser value went to a
charity. His cash and stocks, of course,
were already safely in her name.
When Andy discovered that his
brother had died, he called Flo to ask
about his clock. Oh, she said, that
went to charity with everything else.
You didnt really want that old thing,
did you, Uncle Andy? Uncle Andy?
Hello? Well, that was rude, she
thought.
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96. Schoolboys Get Five-
Finger Discount on Candy

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Travis and Paul were best friends
and in the ninth grade. They didnt like
anything about school except the girls
and the baseball. They were both on
the junior high baseball team. Both
wanted to be major league baseball
players when they grew up.
On Thursday, baseball practice
lasted for two hours after school. After
practice, Travis and Paul were hungry
and thirsty. Between them, they had
$2.05. There was a small grocery store
three blocks from the school.
What can we buy for only $2?
asked Travis.
We could split a soda and a candy
bar, replied Paul.
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Thats going to be hard to do,
since I like orange soda and you like
root beer, said Travis. And I hate
peanuts in candy bars and you love
them, said Paul.
As they approached the store, they
were still thinking about their problem.
One solution, of course, was for one of
them to pick the soda and the other to
pick the candy bar. The problem with
that solution would be that one of them
would still be thirsty and the other
would still be hungry.
Wait a minute, said Paul. Ive got
an idea. They stopped, and Paul told
Travis his idea.
Mr. Cobb was the store owner. He
had no use for kids. They were little
people with little money. His eyes
narrowed as he saw the boys
approaching the store.
After they entered the store, Travis
walked over to the big cooler that was
filled with ice and sodas. Paul walked
over to the candy bar section.
Mr. Cobb, you dont have any
orange soda, Travis said.
Yes, I do. Just dig a little. Youll
find one.
Travis dug for a minute.
I still cant find one.
Are you blind? Ill be right there.
Mr. Cobb started digging through
the ice. Paul immediately put two
candy bars into his trousers baggy
pockets. He patted the pockets down a
little bit.
Look! Orange soda! What did I tell
you?
Thank you, sir, Travis said.
As Travis was paying for the orange
soda and the root beer, Mr. Cobb
looked at Paul.
Youre not buying anything?
No, sir. We just wanted some
sodas.
Then why were you looking at the
candy bars?
Just to see if you got any new
brands, sir. Mr. Cobbs narrow eyes
got narrower as they moved slowly
from Pauls eyes to his shirt, to his
pants, and to his shoes.
If I ever catch you stealing from
me, Ill chop off your hands, you hear
me? For emphasis, Mr. Cobb reached
down beneath the countertop and
pulled out a butcher knife, sharp and
shiny.
Both boys were startled. They ran
out of the store.
Come back here. You forgot your
change! Mr. Cobb yelled at them.
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97. Collecting Seashells at the
Seashore

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Maria and Lisa were best friends.
They shared a two-bedroom apartment
in Hollywood. Maria was a clerk at a
clothing store, and Lisa was a clerk at
a supermarket. Their hours varied, so
they didnt get to spend a whole lot of
time together. But last weekend both
were off work. Lets go to the beach,
suggested Maria.
Thats a good idea, agreed Lisa.
Which one?
Well, I would prefer an uncrowded
beach, because I think Ive put on a
few pounds recently. I dont want any
boys seeing my fat.
Oh, please, said Lisa. You eat so
little. Ounces dont turn into pounds.
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How about Zuma Beach? Thats pretty
far north of Santa Monica Beach, so
its just rightnot too crowded and not
too empty.
That sounds good, said Maria.
The drive to the beach took more
than an hour. When they got there, the
hot and sunny Hollywood weather had
become cool, windy, and overcast
beach weather. Both of them had been
to the beach many times before, so
they were not surprised by the change
in weather. They put on their jackets,
shoes, and socks, and headed north to
hunt for seashells.
Within an hour they had collected
about 20 beautiful shells into a plastic
bag. They were still walking slowly
north when they heard a roar. They
turned around to see a four-wheel All
Terrain Vehicle coming rapidly toward
them. The driver braked at the last
moment. Sand flew onto the two girls.
They both screamed.
The driver was wearing a jacket
that said Beach Patrol. He got off the
ATV and started yelling at them. What
are you two doing here? Cant you
read? The signs say Private Property.
They say No Trespassing. Get out of
here before I write you a ticket and
have you arrested.
Whats your name? Maria stood
defiantly. Im going to report you to the
police. Youre not a real patrol officer.
This is a public beach. Those signs are
phony signs put up by homeowners
who think they own the beach.
My name is John Smith. Report me
to whoever you want. Now get out of
here or youll be sorry.
You cant make us leave. This is a
public beach! yelled Maria.
The man got back onto his ATV and
started driving in circles around the
women. The ATV was spraying sand
and water all over them. He was
laughing. They started running back
south. When the ATV driver saw that
they were leaving, he drove off.
John Smith. A phony name to go
with a phony uniform, said Maria
when they slowed down to a walk.
Were going to the police station and
make a complaint. I hope they put him
in jail.
A few minutes later, Lisa asked,
Where are the shells?
Oh, gee, in all the excitement I left
them back there. Im sorry.
No problem, replied Lisa. Theres
plenty of seashells in the sea.
Yeah, just like theres plenty of
jerks on the shore.
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98. Check Your Bags at the
Store Entrance

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Adrians favorite store was the $1
Store. This store had everything, from
fresh produce to birthday cards to
gasoline additives. Everything was one
dollar. Usually, he got very good deals;
occasionally, he got ripped off.
A few days ago, Adrian bought six
packages of ink for his printer. Then he
found a deal on better ink at the local
computer store. So Adrian went back
to the $1 Store to exchange the ink for
some other items.
He put the ink into a plastic bag and
tied it up. When he entered the store,
he immediately showed the bag to a
clerk and told her that he was returning
some items. She looked at him but
said nothing. There were about ten
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people in her line. She was obviously
very busy. Not knowing exactly what to
do, Adrian put the bag into a push-cart
and started shopping.
He was midway through shopping
when a female employee suddenly
stopped him. Sir, she said sternly,
you are not allowed to carry a plastic
bag of items around in this store.
Whats in this bag? Show me whats in
the bag!
Adrian was taken aback. There was
no need for her to yell. He opened the
bag and showed her the six packages
of ink. Im returning these to exchange
for some other items, Adrian said.
You should have left the bag with
the clerk when you entered this store.
Let me see your receipt! the employee
demanded.
Adrian was embarrassed. He felt
like a shoplifter. He looked around to
see if anyone was paying attention. He
showed her the receipt.
Perhaps in the future youll learn
how to follow store policy. Leave this
bag here with the clerk. You can have
your receipt and bag back when you
check out.
By the time Adrian had finished
shopping and exchanged the items, he
was angry. How dare she treat him like
a criminal? He went looking for her. He
wanted an apology. He found her in
the produce section and asked what
her name was. She mumbled
something. He asked her again, and
this time he heard Ursula.
Ursula what? he asked. She yelled
at him, Ursula! and stormed away.
When Adrian got home, he called
the stores corporate headquarters.
This rude employee was about to lose
her job, he said to himself. He
described his unpleasant experience to
a customer service representative. She
was sympathetic. Our employees are
taught to be polite. We will not tolerate
such behavior. Give me your phone
number and I will call you back.
Two days later, Adrian received a
phone call from the representative. Im
sorry, she said, but theres no one at
that store named Ursula. Can you
describe her? Ill find out who she is. I
assure you, we do not tolerate rude
behavior, nor do we tolerate lying to
customers.
By this time, Adrian had calmed
down. He didnt really want the
employee to lose her job. He told the
representative to forget about it.
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99. When I Retire, We Will See
the World

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It was 10 p.m. Fritz said good night
to his wife. She was watching TV. He
went to bed. Tomorrow was a big day.
It was his last day of work. Thirty years
with the federal government. Thirty
years of flying out of town for weeks
on end. Thirty years of interviews,
meetings, and heavy briefcases.
Tomorrow it would all be over. Not that
he didnt like it. He had enjoyed his
career.
Fritz felt blessed. His father had
had a tough life as an unskilled
laborer. Whenever Fritz was a bit
discouraged or upset, he thought about
his overworked and underpaid father.
He thanked God for his own good life,
and for the fact that he had been able
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to make his dads last years
comfortable.
His two children were married and
had their own careers. His wife Paige
kept busy with, among other things,
her bridge club. She had tried to get
him interested in bridge, but without
success. Fritz was content with his
own Friday night poker group.
Friday morning, he went to work for
the very last time. Those who knew
him well would miss him. Fritz was a
genuinely nice guy. He never had a
bad word to say about anyone. Some
people might have thought he was a
little dull, but he was intelligent, a hard
worker, and a team player. He had
taken only three weeks of sick leave in
30 years.
A small group took him out to lunch.
When he returned from lunch, the
whole office gathered around for cake,
ice cream, a farewell card, and a few
short speeches. They presented him
with various going-away gifts, including
a big, paperback US atlas. It listed all
the motels, campgrounds, national
parks, tourist spots, and other
information to help guide a leisurely
traveler throughout the good old USA.
He had told his friends that he and
Paige were going to spend a couple of
years visiting all the places that he
never had gotten to explore while there
on business. As a final gift, his
supervisor told him to take the rest of
the day off.
Paiges car wasnt in the driveway
when he got home. She was probably
shopping for some traveling clothes.
Maybe she was out arranging a dinner
at a restaurant that evening for just the
two of them. That would be nice.
But something was wrong. When he
hung up his jacket, he saw that the
bedroom closet was half empty.
Paiges clothes were gone. Her shoes
were not on the closet floor. Confused,
he looked around the bedroom.
He saw an envelope on the lamp
stand. Inside it were two pieces of
paper. One notified him of a divorce
proceeding. The other was a hand-
written note from Paige. Im so sorry,
it began. She said that her lawyer had
told her to wait until today. If she had
sought divorce a year earlier, like her
boyfriend had suggested, she would
not have been able to qualify for 50
percent of Fritzs pension. She hoped
that he would find it in his heart to
forgive her. She felt terrible about this,
she wrote, because youve been so
good to me. But I cant ignore my own
heart.
Fritz sat immobile on the edge of
the bed. Her note was in his hand; her
words were burning in his brain.
Maybe an hour later, the phone
rang. He picked it up on the fifth ring. It
was Bob, wondering if Fritz was going
to play poker later that night.
Crossword 2
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100. Get Me a Caffe Latte or
Go to Jail

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On Friday afternoon a judge
sentenced lawyer Mickey Mantle to 24
hours in jail for contempt. Mantle had
just won a lawsuit against a man who
had struck Mantles client. The client
had accidentally spilled a diet soda
onto the defendants new sneakers, so
he broke the clients jaw. The judge
sentenced the defendant to two years
in jail for assault and battery. But after
handcuffing the defendant, the sheriffs
deputy also handcuffed Mantle. What
the heck do you think youre doing?
Mantle shouted.
Sorry. Judges orders, replied the
deputy, as he escorted Mantle and the
defendant out of the courtroom. She
said to throw you in jail overnight for
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contempt of court. Because the judge
had already left the courtroom, Mantle
had no one to protest to.
Mantle and the convicted man were
put in the back of the same van and
driven five miles to the city jail. When
they were taken out of the van, Mantle
had a black eye and a bloody nose. He
told the deputy that the defendant had
head-butted him. The defendant called
Mantle a liar. He told the deputy that
Mantle had gone flying when the van
made a sharp turn and banged his
face on the defendants knee.
The deputy took Mantle to the jail
emergency room. Mantle couldnt
believe what was going on. He was a
respected lawyer about to spend the
night in jail with violent criminals, some
of whom hed helped to convict. Hed
be lucky to get out alive. And all
because of a stupid cup of coffee.
Mantle was in jail because he had
displeased Judge Brown. Brown had
asked Mantle to bring her a caffe latte
from Moonbucks on Mantles way back
from lunch. Mantle had had previous
run-ins with Brown. He didnt like
Brown, and refused to be her errand
boy. When Mantle returned from lunch,
she asked him where her coffee was.
Mantle said, They ran out. They said
to come back tomorrow.
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file:///C|/Users/Ramees/Documents/Downloads/extra001.htm[10/13/2010 8:06:46 AM]
1. Parades and Horses

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Renee had been married for a long,
long time. Her favorite part of being
married was the weekend, when she
was with her two horses. On the
weekend, Renee was at the stables
from morning until dark. She fed,
groomed, and rode her horses. She
was an excellent rider. She would ride
the horses bareback on Saturday, and
then she would saddle them up on
Sunday.
Renee loved parades. She used to
say, A parade isnt a parade without a
horse. Renee loved parades almost as
much as she loved her horses. She
belonged to an email list of volunteers
for parades. She regularly checked out
the state website list of parades to see
if there were any new parades that she
didnt know about. All the state
parades were organized in her
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computer. In the Parades file, she
listed the date, drive time and
distance, parade time, contact people,
and other details she felt were
important.
She knew the parade director of
every town within a four-hour drive.
She never stayed overnight. She
always left the parade in time to get
her horses back to the stables before
bedtime. She had to feed them
before they turned in. Her horses
seemed to like parades, too. They
knew a few tricks that always
impressed the children.
Renee was very generous with her
time and her horses. But owning
horses wasnt cheap. You had to rent
the stables, and there were always
veterinarian and feed bills. Renee
knew how to cope with expenses,
though. Her vet always gave her a 10-
percent discount for paying cash. She
always bought the no-name, generic
feed for the horses. Her vet had told
her it was just as healthful and tasty as
the brand name stuff. She always
bought economy gasoline. And on
parade days, Renee always packed
her own lunch and ate with her horses.
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Copyright 2010. All rights reserved.
2. The Big Wedding

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Ann and Bob were in love. They
were going to get married next year.
They had known each other since they
were in the third grade. They were
both 20 years old. True love was
something that Ann and Bob knew
everything about. There was hardly
anything they disagreed about. Even
when they disagreed, they settled the
disagreement in such a way that both
were totally happy. This was truly a
match made in heaven.
They had already made plans for
the wedding. It was going to be a big
wedding. Every relative from both
families had already been notified
about the date. All their friends knew
about the big day. The invitations were
already printed. The priest, the church,
the reception hall, and the limousine
service were ready to go.
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Nothing was being left to chance.
This was going to be the happiest day
of their lives. Ann had gone to several
wedding web sites for ideas and help.
Of course, she had also consulted her
mother, grandmothers, aunts, and
married friends about how to plan the
perfect wedding.
Each one of them tried to tell her
that there was no such thing as a
perfect wedding. There was always at
least one thing, or more usually one
person, that made the wedding a
seeming disaster at the time. But of
course, like the disaster that happens
on your vacation, that incident or
person would be what makes the
wedding more memorable.
Oh, you should have been at my
wedding, said Aunt Mabel to Ann. My
brother James was in charge of the
rings that Kyle and I were going to
exchange. On the wedding day, James
presented the ring to Kyle, who put it
on my finger. An hour later at the
reception, I took the ring off to admire
it and read the inscription. I gasped.
The jeweler had spelled my name
Mable as in table. My name, as you
know, dear, is spelled Mabel as in
label. So I went to the ladies room and
cried for almost half an hour. No one
could console me.
So, the moral of the story, my
dear, chimed in Aunt Prudence, is to
make sure that Uncle James isnt in
charge of getting your rings engraved.
Not that you would have a problem.
How could anyone misspell your name
it only has three letters, and two of
them are the same.
Aunt Prudence, you know that isnt
true, said Ann. Half the people I know
spell my name with an e. But, Uncle
James is not in charge of our rings, so
Im not worried.
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3. Dont Be in a Hurry

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Chelsea was a saleswoman. She
worked for a medical equipment
manufacturer to sell medical
equipment to hospitals. She drove all
over Los Angeles County five days a
week. She was not the worlds most
law-abiding driver. When all the
freeway lanes were at a dead stop,
she would scoot along the emergency
lane. She rarely met a stop sign at an
empty intersection that she obeyed.
She always slowed down enough to
make sure the intersection was clear,
and then zipped on through. She
usually talked on her cell phone while
driving. While driving and yakking, she
would often drink a soda or eat a
sandwich. Her hands, legs, and mouth
were always busy while she was
driving. She was born, she often
bragged, to multitask.
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Last night she had to show a
customer how to operate a new
device. The customer was a slow
learner, so Chelsea ended up leaving
the hospital half an hour later than she
had planned. Then, of course, she got
stuck in Friday evening rush hour. She
was going to be late for her date, but
the nearby mountains blocked her cell
phone from calling Sebastian and
telling him.
She was already irritated, and
things seemed to be getting worse.
Then all the traffic stopped. Chelsea
drove immediately over to the
emergency lane and continued driving
along it. She was making good
progress. She couldnt believe she was
the only one in the emergency lane.
Usually several cars would follow her
lead. Then she saw the red flashing
lights in her rearview mirror. The officer
pulled her over and walked up
alongside her car. He was young and
good-looking. Chelsea felt better.
Do you know why I pulled you
over, maam?
Yes, officer. Im illegally in the
emergency lane.
Is there a reason that you are in
the emergency lane?
Officer, my boyfriend left me after
he got me pregnant. I have constant
morning sickness. Im just trying to get
to the nearest store to buy my
medicine. She looked at him
imploringly, with big, sweet, innocent
eyes.
He looked at her for a long moment,
then handed her license back.
Okay, maam. Take the first exit
you come to. I hope youll be feeling
better. Im Anthony, by the way.
Thank you so much, officer
Anthony.
The officer walked back to his car
and Chelsea drove on. This was the
second time that excuse had worked
for her. She had one more errand to
do before she got home. She had to
mail a package. She got to the mini-
mall at 7 p.m. No parking was
available, except for the handicapped
space. Chelsea whipped right into it.
She would only be a minute, she told
herself. All she had to do was run into
the mailbox store, get the package
weighed, and pay the clerk.
There was no line in the store.
Everything was done so quickly that
she was whistling while she walked
back out to her car. Then she stopped
whistling. There was an envelope on
the windshield. She opened it slowly.
She knew what it was, but not how
much it was. She screamed when she
saw the amount. A dog started
barking.
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4. A Signer Helps Students

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Joans job is to use American Sign
Language to enable instructors to
communicate with English-speaking
deaf students. She went to school for
three years to get her certificate.
According to Joan, learning ASL was
not that difficult, but learning to be an
excellent interpreter could take a
lifetime.
Three years after enrolling at Pierce
College, Joan graduated as a Certified
ASL Interpreter. Plenty of job
opportunities were waiting for her. She
likes the college environment, so she
applied for a job at Newton Community
College, a school with 28,000 students.
There are 22 hearing-impaired
students at NCC. Joan has worked
with most of them.
They are very friendly with her.
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Often they invite her to have a cup of
coffee after class. They talk about
school and about what they hope to do
after graduation. Sometimes the
women talk about personal things,
especially about how hard it is to find
Mr. Right. Joan agrees with them,
saying she herself has given up on
finding him. They also talk about their
favorite movies, books, and music.
Even deaf people can hear music.
Many are good dancers.
Joan is one of the four interpreters
on campus. Two are full-time; Joan
works part-time. She accompanies a
deaf student to class. The student sits
in the front row. Joan usually sits near
the teacher, facing the student. She
signs as the teacher talks. If the class
is less than 90 minutes long, there is
only one interpreter per student. If the
class is longer, there are two
interpreters per student. They
alternate; one interpreter will sign for
20 minutes, and then the other will.
Joan will go back to school soon.
She wants to become a Certified
French Sign Language Interpreter. She
already speaks French fluently; her
mom taught it to her. Her mom also
taught Joan that American men are
hopeless. She frequently told Joan that
only a French man knows how to
make a woman feel like a woman.
Joan idolizes her mom, and takes her
advice to heart. It will take Joan about
three more years to get certified.
What then? Then she will leave
California, move to Paris, find a
romantic French boyfriend, and live
happily ever after. Thats her plan.
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5. Looking for Mr. Right

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Because Debra had just bought a
new laptop computer, she decided that
she must start cutting back on some
expenses if she could. Her long
distance phone bill was one expense
that sprang to mind. She was paying
almost $30 a month to Horizon, her
local phone company. That $30
covered her residence line and various
taxes, surcharges, funds, fees, and
services. It also covered her local
phone callsthose to locations within
12 miles.
But she was paying another $40-
$80 a month talking to her best friend
and to her boyfriend, both of whom
lived more than 12 miles away from
her. But how could she not talk to her
best friend and to her boyfriend? Could
she tell them she was having budget
problems, so could they please call her
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in the future? Could she just call them
less oftena lot less often?
Fortunately for Debra, she found
the solution a month later, when she
tearfully discovered that her boyfriend
and her best friend were seeing each
other behind Debras back. Debra saw
them kissing in his car outside of a
restaurant that all three of them liked
to visit occasionally. Debra
immediately called Horizon to cancel
her long distance service. The female
customer service representative asked
if she was sure she wanted to do this.
Debra said, Yes, Im sure. All men are
jerks. The representative agreed
enthusiastically with her.
Debra was only on her new
computer for a week before she
discovered Computer Dating, a service
that promised: Ladies, you will get to
choose from hundreds of men in your
own ZIP code area. New selections
every day. Only $29.95 a month! As
much as she hated her boyfriend,
Debra knew that not all men were
alike. Maybe Mr. Right was waiting for
her on her computer screen. Maybe he
was living only a block away. And she
did happen to have $30 available.
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6. Enjoy the Movie

There was a new movie at the theater
called, Why Dont You Love Me As Much
As I Love You? It starred the young and
handsome Tad Biff and the young and
beautiful Jenny Lopez.
Barbara invited her sister Laura to the
movie. Both of them were big fans of
Tad, even though both of them were over
40 and should have known better. They
picked the 5 oclock show on a Tuesday
evening, figuring that the crowds would
be thin. For Barbara, thin crowds meant
fewer annoying people.
The lobby was almost empty. There
was only one man at the food counter
buying popcorn for his young son. As
they walked by, Barbara said, What a
cute little boy! Whats your name?
Im Benton and Im almost 5 years
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old, the boy said proudly.
Barb and Laura walked inside. They
picked their favorite seats, right in the
middle of the whole theater. There was no
one within 20 feet of them.
The theater darkened and the movie
started. A few minutes later, some people
sat directly behind Barb and Laura.
Barbara couldnt believe it. The theater
was 90 percent empty, but these people
had to sit right behind her. She hoped
that they werent loud, obnoxious jerks.
A minute later, Barbara felt a bump on
the back of her seat. Then, another
bump. Then, another. Someone was
kicking the back of her seat. Barbara tried
to ignore the kicking, but it wouldnt stop.
Steam was now coming out of Barbaras
ears and nostrils. She turned around and
yelled, Stop kicking my seat right now,
you jerk!
It was Benton. He spilled his popcorn,
wet his pants, and started bawling. His
father yelled at Barbara for yelling at
Benton, and Barbara yelled back at the
father for not controlling his son. The
father took his son out to the lobby to
minister to him, and Barbara resumed
watching her movie. You didnt miss a
thing, said Laura.
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7. Bad News, Good News

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Benjamin was sick. He didn't know
how he got sick. He was feverish and
tired. He had no appetite. His stomach
hurt more often than not. At first he
shrugged off the symptoms, figuring he
had picked up a bug that would go
away in a week or so. But it didn't. It
lingered. After three weeks, he
dragged himself to Dr. Barkley.
The doctor did a few tests. Then he
asked Benjamin if he had gone
camping and drunk unsterilized stream
water. Benjamin said he hadn't been
camping since he had played soldier in
the army.
He asked if Benjamin had eaten at
any fast food restaurants in the past
month, or eaten from one of the many
lunch trucks in the Los Angeles area.
Benjamin said that he ate fast food or
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lunch truck food every day at noon.
Thats probably the source of your
illness. You have hepatitis A, and you
most likely got it from a food worker
who didn't wash his hands thoroughly
after using the bathroom. It happens a
lot. Holy cow! I'm not going to die, am
I?
The doctor told him not to worry. A
viral infection that attacks the liver,
hepatitis A kills only about 100 people
annually in the US. He told Benjamin
to see him every two weeks, and to be
prepared to take up to three months off
from work so that he could rest, rest,
rest. There is no cure for hepatitis A.
You survive, or you dont.
But there is one good thing about
hepatitis A, Dr. Barkley said. Once
you get it, youre immune to it for the
rest of your life.
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8. Rest in Peace

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A routine check of the main building
on the Rest in Peace Cemetery in
Santa Fe turned up thousands of
cardboard boxes containing the
remains of cremated people. An
inspector from the states Cemetery
and Funeral Bureau found the boxes
stacked neatly in various rooms of the
cemeterys main building. Instead of
having names of the departed, most
boxes simply had dates inscribed on
them. The dates went all the way back
to June 14, 1930.
The owner of the cemetery, Mrs.
Marbles, said she had just bought the
property a year ago. She said she had
never even been in many of the rooms
of the main building. She said that she
had bought the cemetery solely for its
land value.
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As we all know, she said, God
keeps making people, but Hes not
making any more land. Its only a
matter of time before all this land is
going to be needed for the living.
When that happens, this property will
be worth at least ten times what I paid
for it. Im already in discussions with
several condo developers.
The inspector said that it looked like
most of the remains were from the
1930s to the 1970s. He figured that the
people were probably homeless people
whose bodies were never claimed at
the funeral homes. The funeral homes
cremated the bodies and then gave the
remains to the cemetery for proper
burial. He said that even though these
remains were up to 75 years old, they
would be buried with dignity and
respect.
After all, he said, all of these
people had relatives at one time. They
might even have children and
grandchildren living right here in Santa
Fe.
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9. Topless on TV

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A womans activist group based in
Fresno said it is probably not going to
protest as it had planned. The group,
called Boobs not Bombs, occasionally
rallies throughout the state to protest
such things as environmental
destruction, equal rights for women,
and an end to the war. To get media
attention, they usually remove their
blouses and bras.
We didnt do that originally, said
Diane Boxer, but we never got any
media coverage either. As soon as we
took our tops off, we got nationwide
coverage. All of a sudden we were on
the six and eleven oclock news.
Unfortunately, it just shows the
shallowness of men, who run all the
media nationwide. We are concerned
with issues, and they are concerned
with tissue. But nowadays, even the
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wrong media coverage is better than
no coverage.
About 20 members of the group
had planned to protest the governors
speech today. He is trying to drum up
support for his proposition requiring
school teachers to pay for their
students books. But when Gov. Arnold
heard about the protest, he called the
states attorney general. The governor
knew that no one would pay attention
to his speech if there were topless
women nearby.
The attorney general told the group
that their display would cause
multiple auto crashes and corrupt
innocent wide-eyed children. He said
that if they dared to go topless, they
would be hauled off to jail.
We have held fifteen protests
statewide and have yet to cause one
accident or corrupt one innocent child,
scoffed Boxer.
These are wonderful ladies, but
they do not understand. Some day
they will understand, said Gov. Arnold.
Everything I do, I do for the people.
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10. The Big One

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According to geologists, a huge
earthquake will probably hit California
within the next 20 years. If it hits a
populated area, the number of deaths
will greatly exceed the 1,070 deaths
caused by Hurricane Katrina in
Louisiana.
Three California quakes between
1987 and 1994 killed more than 100
people and caused billions of dollars in
damage. From 1994 to 2000, the state
spent several billion dollars reinforcing
bridges, overpasses, and buildings.
But budget problems have halted these
repairs. Today, more than 1,000
schools and hospitalsnot to mention
thousands of other government and
private structuresthroughout the
state do not meet earthquake
standards. Many of these buildings will
collapse like a house of cards if they
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are in the immediate area of a quake.
As usual, the state is between a
rock and a hard place. If schools use
their budgets to reinforce their
buildings, they will have little money for
teachers. Classes will be discontinued.
Everyones priority, of course, is to
keep the schools open.
All were doing is crossing our
fingers, said a state legislator. But
thats exactly what they did in
Louisiana. They could have fixed the
levee system for about $10 billion. But
they didn't; they just crossed their
fingers. Now its now going to cost
$100 billion to rebuild New Orleans.
Here in California, were saying that we
cant afford the $10 billion. But where
are we going to get the $100 billion to
rebuild everything afterward? People
never learn. They always close the
barn door after the horse escapes.
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11. Register to Vote

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Because of alleged widespread
voting fraud, Arizona has become the
first state in the union to require that
voters show proof of US citizenship. To
registeror reregisterto vote,
Arizona residents must now show a
birth certificate or passport.
Reregistration is required whenever a
resident changes addresses. This
requirement will cause problems for
citizens who have lost their birth
certificate or who dont have a
passport.
These problems will be settled in
time, said Barney Fife, an election
official. Our priority is to prevent
noncitizens from voting. Over 3,000
immigrants votedillegallyin the last
governors election. Voting is a vital
right that belongs to citizens
exclusively, not to every Tom, Dick,
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and Harry that has just immigrated to
this country.
Critics of the new law say that it will
disenfranchise thousands of legitimate
voters. Mrs. Thelma May agrees. She
just moved to Tucson from Phoenix.
She has to reregister now in order to
vote, but has no birth certificate or
passport.
I've been voting all my life, she
says. I voted for JFK in 60. But I'm on
my third marriageI do hope its my
lastwhich means that my last name
has changed three times. The Biloxi
hospital I was born in was destroyed
by hurricane Camille in 1969. All its
recordsincluding my birth certificate
ended up in the Gulf. My only copy
of my birth certificate was lost when my
drunken first husband fell asleep on
the sofa smoking a cigarette. The
entire house burnt down. Ive lived in
Arizona for the past 25 years. Ive
never even set foot outside America,
and now I've got to prove that I'm a
citizen of the United States? Damn
bureaucrats!
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12. Unhappy Birthday

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A drunk driver speeding along in his
SUV on the 60 freeway last night killed
three of four people in a sedan. The
sedan had slowed to a crawl because
of construction work on the 60. Four
lanes were merged into two. The
Department of Transportation crew
was making repairs to a three-mile
stretch of highway. Hundreds of bright
orange traffic cones guided the
merger. Four heavy duty trucks were
parked in the emergency lanes. Their
brightly glowing signs said, Slow. Be
prepared to stop. Construction ahead.
Vehicle traffic had slowed to about 3
mph.
Missing all of these warnings, the
drunk driver, going at least 50 mph,
plowed into the sedan. The sedan
driver, a computer programmer, was a
recent immigrant to America. In the
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passenger seat was his wife, and in
the back seat were his 6-year-old
daughter and his 8-year-old son. It was
9 p.m. The family had been at a
restaurant to celebrate the little girls
birthday. They never knew what hit
them.
The impact of the collision caused
the sedan to explode in flames.
Somehow, the sedan driver managed
to crawl out of the car seconds after
the explosion. Third degree burns
covered much of his body. His chances
for survival are slim. His life, as he
knew it, is over. His loved ones were
burned beyond recognition. The car
was a skeleton of metal.
The 28-year-old drunk was not only
unhurt, but was able to escape from
his smoldering SUV and run away,
leaving two whisky bottles behind. The
police tracked him down this morning.
He claimed that his brakes had failed.
It was revealed that he had four prior
convictions for driving under the
influence in the past 10 years.
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13. Coming to the Rescue

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A 20-year-old man, driving under
the influence and at excessive speed
early yesterday evening along New
York Drive, died after clipping another
car. Buddy Allen was dead at the
scene of the accident. Apparently, he
was not strapped into his seat belt at
the time he collided with a car in front
of him.
Allen was doing about 60 mph on
the 35 mph street when his SUV
overtook and hit a car driven by Steve
Frohman. Frohman, a scratch golfer,
had just finished an unpleasant round
of golf. He said he was doing the
speed limit when he happened to look
in his rear view mirror and saw a car
coming up on him fast.
Certain that he was about to get
rear-ended, Frohman managed to get
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halfway into the adjoining lane. The
speeding car hit Frohmans new
sedan, then hit a curb, and became
airborne. Allen flew out of the car,
landing on grass near the base of a
light pole. Frohman, braking to a stop,
saw Allen land on the grass. But the
unthinkable happened. Upside down
but also flying through the air, the SUV
struck the light pole and dropped
straight down, landing squarely on
Allen.
Frohman ran over to the SUV.
Seeing both of Allens feet under the
SUV, Frohman tried to rock it back and
forth so that it would roll off Allen. Not
succeeding, he dialed 911 on his cell
phone. Police and paramedics arrived
within a few minutes. Frohman was still
trying to roll the SUV off the victim
when they arrived. The police told him
to move back. Four of them rolled the
SUV off the dead body. The
paramedics did not even check the
airway; they knew a dead person when
they saw one.
One of the police officers
congratulated Frohman on his attempt
to save Allen.
I wasnt trying to save him, said
Frohman. I was planning to knock his
teeth out for damaging my car.
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14. Because God Says So

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The Dover Area School District in
Pennsylvania is being sued by a group
of parents after it added intelligent
design to the curriculum presented to
high school biology students. Intelligent
design, the parents argue, is false
science. It is simply a clever phrase for
creationism. Creationism is based on
the Book of Genesis in the Bible. It is
the belief that, in six days, God created
the universe and all its creatures,
including Adam and Eve, the first
humans.
School district officials believe that
evolution is merely a theory, and a
flawed one at that. They argue that, if
students taking biology must learn
about evolution, these students must
also learn about intelligent design.
There are two sides to every story,
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said Daryl Scopes, a district official.
Darwins theory of evolution is just
thata theory. Not one scientist has
ever proved that it is valid. The whole
idea is absurd. Darwin wants us to
believe that all Earths animals, from
ants to elephants, have one common
ancestorthe sponge! How ridiculous
is that? We decided that our students
must be aware of the true facts, as
described in Genesis. God created the
first manAdamin His own image.
From one of Adams ribs, God then
created Eve. God put Adam and Eve
in charge of the Earth and all its
creatures. Adam and Eve were perfect
humans. But then they listened to the
evil serpent and ate the forbidden fruit,
and life for themand us, their
childrenhas been far from perfect
ever since. Thats a beautiful story and,
more important, a completely true
story.
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15. Learning English

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According to the 2000 US Census,
39 percent of people who live in
California do not speak English at
home. In Las Casas, a city in southern
California, 79 percent of residents
speak little or no English at home or at
work. To combat this problem, Las
Casas is instituting a program called
Love My English. Program funding will
come from government grants and
corporate donations.
The program has two goals. One is
to improve residents English so that
they can get better jobs. The other is
to provide more qualified workers for
corporations throughout the county.
We are desperate for good workers
who speak English, said Sydney Rove
of Containers, Ltd. We have
nationwide truck routes for good
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drivers, and we need salespeople in
almost every state.
We want everyone in Las Casas to
speak English, said Ivan Libby,
administrator of the school district.
They dont have to speak fluent
English, of course, just survival English
how to give and get directions, order
food, visit the doctor, read labels on
food and medicinesthe basic stuff.
Once they're able to read and write
more English, theyll be able to get
better work and theyll be more
confident. We hope this confidence will
inspire some of them to go on to get
their high school diploma and perhaps
even get a degree from a community
college or a university.
Currently, most Las Casas
residents qualify for only low-paying
jobs. In fact, the pay is often so low
that residents need to work two jobs to
make ends meet. This program will
help them get better-paying jobs not
only in California but also nationwide.
The district will mount a huge
advertising campaign to alert residents
to the free program. Love My English
will be offered at various sites and
times to reach as many residents as
possible.
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16. Drinking Is Fun

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Charles, a 29-year-old painter, tried
to beat an 83-car freight train across
the railroad tracks yesterday and lost.
Fortunately for Charles and his two
friends, the train hit the bed of his
pickup truck. The force of the impact
separated the rear of the truck from the
front. The rear end of the pickup flew
about 200 feet west of the front end.
The train was traveling at 50 miles an
hour through an industrial district. It
was fully loaded with appliances and
new vehicles from the east coast.
There were no mechanical arms or
flashing lights at the railroad crossing -
- only a stop sign on either side of the
two-lane road.
The accident occurred at 4:30 p.m.
on a sunny afternoon. Charles and his
two co-workers had stopped at a
neighborhood liquor store at about
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3:45. There they had bought a case of
bottled beer that was on sale for $9.95.
By the time they got to the railroad
crossing, they were all feeling good.
They saw the train coming and they
heard the horn blowing.
"I was going to stop," said Charles.
"But Tommy told me that the train
wasn't even close. He said that if he
was driving, he could drive over the
tracks, make a U-turn, drive over the
tracks again, and then drink a whole
beer before the train arrived.
When the police arrived, all three
friends were sitting on the ground
under a shade tree about 50 feet from
the front end of the truck. None of
them were even scratched. The train
and crew suffered no damage or
injuries. The engineer just shook his
head.
They think it's exciting, but it's just
stupid, the engineer said. These guys
might be in jail for a little while. But I
guarantee you within a year theyll be
out drinking and driving and racing
trains again.
The police charged Charles with
driving under the influence, running a
stop sign, causing an accident,
reckless endangerment, and littering
broken beer bottles were all over the
place. They charged his two friends
with drinking in a moving vehicle and
littering.
A city official said there are no
plans to install flashing lights and
mechanical arms at this crossing,
partly because not enough accidents
occur there and partly because the city
does not have sufficient funds to pay
for such safety equipment.
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17. A Mad Adder

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A zoo employee was bitten by an
African puff adder, a large poisonous
snake. He was trying to put the snake
into a bag so that it could be moved to
a new snake house. The snake
handler was wearing heavy gloves and
thick boots, but the adder sank its
fangs into the man's neck. The handler
squeezed the snakes neck tightly,
forcing it to withdraw its fangs. He then
put the snake into the bag and tied the
bag.
He called the zoo administration to
report that he had been bitten. When
an ambulance arrived at the new
snake house, neither snake nor man
was there. The paramedics started
walking back toward the old snake
house. A few moments later, they
found the man lying unconscious on
the trail. Curiously, the bag with the
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snake in it was covering the man's
head and part of his chest.
The paramedics handed the bag to
another zoo employee, who delivered
the snake to its new home. They then
delivered the handler to the city
hospital. A hospital spokesman said
that the man was in good condition. He
said that viper bites can cause a lot of
tissue damage in the immediate area
of the bite if not treated properly and
quickly, but it looked like this victim
would recover completely.
The zoo director said that this
particular adder had a nasty reputation.
This was the third time in six years that
it had managed to bite someone.
Fortunately, the previous two victims
also recovered fully. In the future, he
smiled, they might call the bomb
disposal unit to handle the snake.
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18. Put up with It

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The pounding was driving Edward
crazy. A new neighbor had just moved
into the apartment below him. The
newcomer was deaf, or seemed to be,
because he played his stereo loud
enough for the whole building to hear.
On the first day that he heard the
stereo blasting away, Edward marched
downstairs and politely told the
newcomer that his stereo was too loud.
He asked the new tenant to turn the
volume down and keep it down as long
as he lived in the building. The tenant
appeared surprised and embarrassed,
and said, Oh, Im sorry. I didnt realize
it was that loud.
So, Edward returned upstairs,
feeling good, because he had taken a
stand and politely let the newcomer
know that loud music was not going to
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be tolerated. The next day all was
quiet, and Edward continued to be
pleased with himself. The following
day, Edward thought it must be Fourth
of July, because a marching band was
playing on his street. Of course, it
wasnt Fourth of July, and it wasnt a
marching band. It was the new
neighbor who was playing his music
loud again.
Edward was not one to repeat
himself, feeling that each time you
repeated yourself, you diminished the
value of your words. So, he did what
he always did with offensive neighbors
grin and bear it. Eventually, they
would move away. What else are you
going to do?
In Los Angeles a year ago, a
woman had complained to her upstairs
neighbor that he was playing his drums
too loud and too often. The drummer
repeatedly ignored her. He told her to
stop whining. One day the woman
walked upstairs and shot the drummer
in the head and his girlfriend in the
chest. The woman was sentenced to
prison for 20 years.
The dead drummer wont bother
anyone anymore with his drums, but
the woman might be wishing now that
she had learned to grin and bear it.
Being sentenced to prison for 20 years
is probably much worse than having to
listen to drums blasting overhead. At
least, if she were still living in her
apartment, she could always move.
When youre in prison, you dont have
that option.
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19. Whats in the Box?

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Perrys 32nd birthday was today.
His wife, Amanda, had promised him
something special. Perry couldnt
imagine what it might be. He already
had everything he needed or wanted.
Whatever she was going to give him, it
was definitely going to be a surprise.
She had not asked him whether he
wanted anything, and he had not
dropped any hints suggesting that he
was hoping for something. In fact, his
plan was simply to watch TV and
ignore the event. There was certainly
nothing interesting or exciting about
turning 32.
When he got home from work, he
changed into his shorts and a T-shirt
and took their dog Pretty Boy for a
walk. When he returned, Amanda had
also gotten home from work. She gave
him a kiss and told him happy birthday.
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He thanked her and asked what the
surprise was. She told him that it was
on the pillow in the bedroom. He went
into the bedroom and found a brightly
wrapped package with a big blue bow
on it. He brought it out to the living
room.
Why dont you try to guess what it
is? Amanda suggested.
Okay, Perry replied. Its not a
motorcycle or a houseboat. Its not my
Christmas bonus. Its not another pet; I
dont see any air holes in the wrapping
and I dont hear any sounds.
Well, maybe its a turtle, Amanda
smiled.
Yes, that would explain the silence,
but turtles still need to breathe, Perry
remarked. Its not a book or a video or
a CD, is it?
No, youre not even close.
Remember, its something special.
Well, youve got me, Perry said,
puzzled. Something special in a box
that was only about one cubic foot. He
told Amanda that he gave up. She told
him to unwrap the box. After opening
it, all he found was a little rubber doll.
Whats this? he asked.
Its a boy, silly! Im pregnant,
Amanda beamed. And his name is
going to be Perry, Jr.
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20. Independence Day
Parade

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It was, as usual, a hot and sunny
July 4--Independence Day. Eight-year-
old Jeffrey was excited about the
annual parade. He wanted to see
everything, and he wanted to see it
now. But the parade wouldnt start until
10 oclock. His mom Julia tried to keep
Jeffrey in check. She made him clean
his room and take the dog for a walk.
When he finished these chores, she
walked with him to the parade route,
which extended about two miles along
Main Street.
The parade, as usual, was
wonderful. It started with the high
school band and a marching drum
band. Then followed about a dozen
government dignitaries in convertibles,
smiling and waving at the people they
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were usually lying to. After that, there
were clowns, jugglers, exotic cars,
racing cars, and classic cars.
Interwoven among the cars were Boy
Scouts, Girl Scouts, students
representing various elementary
schools, the local mountain rescue
squad, and local realtors throwing out
free candy with their business cards
attached.
Three bands played music from
their rolling truck beds. The parade
contained more than 500 participants
and lasted two hours. Flags, balloons,
and trash receptacles were
everywhere. The sidewalks were full of
spectators. Leashed to their owners,
about 200 dogs also attended the
parade, most of them sniffing, barking
at, and playing with each other.
The final part of the parade was the
fire trucks, blowing their horns and
spraying all the kids who ran out into
the street yelling and laughing. Jeffrey
ran out with about 20 other kids and
got totally wet. His shirt clung to his
body. Water was squishing out of his
shoes when he finally came back to
the sidewalk. A huge smile was on his
face.
That was great, mom! he
exclaimed. Did you see that? When I
grow up, Im going to be a fireman.
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21. A Big Lottery Winner

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A 58-year-old grandmother in
Massachusetts won one of the biggest
prizes in U.S. history$294 million. If
she had taken the 26-year payout,
Doris Stevens would have received
$11 million a year for 26 years, before
taxes.
Mrs. Stevens decided to take the
lump sum payment. People who take
the lump sum get paid within 60 days,
but their total payment is reduced by
almost 40 percent. Mrs. Stevenss
lump sum was $168 million, but after
the federal tax was applied, she
received $110 million. Thats the
amount that Mrs. Stevens got to put in
her purse.
Recently divorced, Stevens says
that her ex-husband has already called
her to ask about a loan. She laughed.
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I wouldnt lend him a quarter to call
the police if he was getting robbed. Let
him borrow money from his new young
girlfriend who makes him so happy.
What is she going to do with her
windfall? Well, the first thing I'm going
to do is to help out my children and
grandchildren, of course. Next, I hope
to revolutionize the housecleaning
industry.
A housecleaner for her entire life,
Mrs. Stevens says shes going to
establish a National Housecleaner
Helper Corporation. Her corporation
would focus on giving seed money to
various individuals and research firms
to develop more efficient and more
powerful housecleaning solvents and
tools.
When was the last time you saw
something new in housecleaning?
Mrs. Stevens asked. They keep
claiming theyve invented new products
that remove any and all blemishes, but
they still havent invented a product
that removes an ordinary ballpoint ink
stain from your ordinary white shirt.
This industry needs some new
products. I hope to revolutionize the
cleaning world, so that my sisters will
have an easier time of it in the future.
Weve all spent too much time on our
hands and knees. If men had to do
housecleaning, you know that theyd
be inventing more powerful products
every week.
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22. A Good Buy

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Christopher loved to shop at thrift
stores. Almost a month ago, he bought
a popular word game that uses little
chips of wood with different letters on
them. As he was purchasing it, the
clerk said, Oh, look, the game box
hasnt even been opened yet! That
might be worth some money.
Christopher examined the box and,
sure enough, it was completely
enveloped in factory-sealed plastic.
When he looked at the box cover, he
saw that beneath the name of the
game and the description was a
copyright date of 1973.
You should put that up for auction
on the Internet, and see what
happens, the clerk said.
Yes, youre right, Christopher
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agreed. I think Ill give that a try. The
rarity of something is part of what
increases its value, and I cant imagine
there being very many unopened
boxes of this game still around 30
years later. Maybe its worth millions!
Well, if it is, dont forget who told
you about the wrapper, the clerk
smiled.
No problem. Youre getting a
percentage of anything over $10,
Christopher said. The game itself was
priced at only $1.99, and the clerk
gave Christopher the usual 10 percent
senior discount.
Youve got yourself a deal,
partner, she replied, laughing.
At home, Christopher went online to
several auction sites looking for his
specific product. He couldnt find it
anywhere on the auction sites. Then
he typed in the name of the word
game and hit Search. The response
was 5,543 sites containing that name.
Christopher examined the first 10 sites
and found a site that listed people
looking for various versions of the
game. Over the years, the game had
been produced using different chip
sizes, colors, materials, and even
fonts. In addition, different game
boards were produced over the years,
themselves consisting of different
colors and fonts. The game board had
never changed in size or material.
Most of the game seekers seemed
content with used games. Only a few
even mentioned fresh unopened
games. Those who wanted unopened
games all promised top dollar.
Christopher emailed all of them, telling
them what he had.
Two weeks later, Christopher went
back to the thrift shop. He said to the
clerk, How are you doing, partner?
She looked at him for a second,
then recognized him and said, Oh, hi,
partner!
Ive got something for you, he
beamed. Im sorry it didnt turn out to
be millions. Maybe if I waited another
20 years, but by then the plastic
wrapper might have rotted off. Heres
your share. He handed her three $100
bills.
Wow! she exclaimed. Thank you!
Youre such a nice partner. How much
did you get for it?
One thousand. I hope that youre
okay with 30 percent.
Okay?! Im thrilled! I never
expected to see a dime. Well have to
do more business together.
You got it, partner! Christopher
smiled.
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23. Blind and Kind

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Philip is 55 and blind. He has been
blind since birth. He says he does not
feel like he is missing anything,
because he cannot imagine what sight
is like. He can smell a rose, but he
cannot tell if it is red, white, or blue. It
does not matter to him; he enjoys the
beauty of the scent itself.
People sometimes take pity on him,
but he tells them he is a contented
man; he does not feel cheated by
Mother Nature. The doctors never
figured out why he was born blind.
But his life is not a bed of roses. It
is difficult for him to travel. He cannot
drive, of course; he travels by bus. At
home, he cannot just look out of the
window to see what the weather is like,
and then dress appropriately. He cant
look at the clock on the wall to see
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what time it is. He uses his Braille
watch or a special radio for that.
He must always put everything in
the same spot in his apartment. If he
doesnt, Ill spend forever looking for
it, he laughs.
Philip can look for and look at, but
he cannot see. He says strangers
often correct themselves when talking
to him. Theyll say, I see, meaning I
understand. But then they think
theyve been rude, so theyll correct
themselves and say, I mean, I
understand.
Philip has never seen a good movie
or a bad TV show. He has no idea
what a sunset or a full moon looks like.
He is a musician. He plays the
saxophone, but not in a band. Four
times a week, he travels to Old Town
in Pasadena on the bus in the
afternoon. He gets off at the bus stop
and then finds his way across the
street to The Cap, a hat store. On the
sidewalk in front of The Cap is his
spot.
He unfolds an aluminum chair and
assembles his sax after taking it out of
the case. He sits down and starts
warming up. He puts a hat, upside
down with change in it, on top of the
case. The change keeps the hat from
blowing away, he says. It also lets
people know where to put their
donations. I usually spend about four
hours here. Ill earn from $10 to $30.
One evening I made almost $100.
Another evening, someone stole
everything. I guess he needed it more
than I did.
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24. Love Hurts

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The old house was sold. A new
house was yet to be purchased, so
Randy was going to rent for a while.
He was moving from Virginia to
California. The move would put some
memories behind him. He was looking
forward to a fresh start.
Randy and Nora got married six
years ago. It was the first marriage for
both of them. Eight months after the
marriage, Nora found out she was
pregnant. That was good. When she
started getting stomachaches, they
figured it was the new baby. But then
she miscarried.
The stomachaches, however,
continued. In fact, they got worse. It
wasnt a simple stomachache. It was
liver cancer. Then it was stomach
cancer, lymph gland cancer, breast
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cancer, and brain cancer. It never
stopped spreading. There was little
hope, but Nora battled the daily pain
with smiles and few complaints.
After five years of doctors,
hospitals, chemotherapy, and surgery,
Nora lost the battle. More than one
million dollars was spent on medical
bills, more than ten thousand prayers
were said by family and friendsall to
no avail. The only time that Randy
asked the doctor for his honest
opinion, the doctor said, She might
have six months. Nora died seven
days later. Just before she died, she
silently squeezed Randys hand.
The mover took six hours longer to
load the moving van than he had
estimated originally. Randy wondered
how much extra this was going to cost
him. After the mover and his crew had
departed for California, Randy noticed
a 3-foot scar in his new hardwood
floor. It looked like the crew had
dragged his heavy metal bed frame.
Randy hoped the new homeowner
wouldnt complain about it too much.
He wondered how many damaged
goods were in the moving van right
now.
The phone rang. It was the
California-bound car transporter. He
told Randy that his truck was at the
corner of Fifth and Main, and he would
wait for Randy there. Randy walked
out to his car. In five minutes, he was
at Fifth and Main. He gave the
transporter the ignition key and
watched him drive his car up the ramp
onto the truck. There were five other
cars already on the truck. The
transporter said, Ill call you in nine
days, and drove off. Randy hailed a
cab.
Eleven days later, Randy got the
call. The transporter said he would be
in Milroy, Randys new town, in three
hours. Five hours later, the transporter
arrived. Randy watched as the
transporter backed his car down the
ramp. The car was filthy. The
transporter explained that bad weather
had slowed him downtornadoes,
rain, and dust storms. No locusts?
Randy wondered to himself.
Randy drove his car to the carwash.
While sitting in a chair waiting for the
car to be finished, he saw a young
pretty woman introduce herself to an
aging TV reporter. She proceeded to
laugh at his every word, touching him
occasionally on the hand and knee.
Randy wondered if a woman would
ever come on to him like that. Then he
thought about Nora squeezing his
hand.
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25. A Visit to Southern
California

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Erin and her best friend Amy flew
into San Diego last week. They are
both in their mid-20s, and both are
nurses who live in Georgia. It was their
first visit to California, and they were
excited.
They visited San Diegos world-
famous zoo and fell in love with the
giant pandas. They are so cute, Erin
said. Then they drove north to La Jolla
so that they could glide off the cliffs
100 feet above the beach. That was
scary, exciting, fun, and expensive.
They drove to the beach to get a peek
at nudists, but no one was there. That
was a major disappointment, Erin
joked.
After visiting San Diego, they
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headed north to Los Angeles. They
saw the Hollywood sign and visited
many places in Hollywood and Beverly
Hills. They hoped they would see lots
of actors and actors homes. If they got
lucky, they would get some autographs
and maybe even some photographs of
them standing next to a movie star.
But they were disappointed. A
minivan took them on a tour past
actors homes, but no actors were
outside their homes. The homes
themselves were barely visible. They
were often hidden by tall gates, fences,
walls, hedges, or trees. Later,
however, Erin and Amy were able to
put their hands and feet into the
handprints and footprints of movie
stars at the Chinese Theater in
Hollywood.
They went to Venice boardwalk just
south of the Santa Monica pier,
because the boardwalk is famous for
its muscle beach, weird characters,
and paddle tennis. The boardwalk is
one of the best places in California for
people-watching. The girls enjoyed
talking to the colorful locals. They were
also surprised at how many people
they talked to were Europeans visiting
California.
After Venice, they went sunbathing
on the beach just north of the Venice
pier. They even got to hang out with
some real California surfers. The
surfers tried to teach them how to ride
a board in the water. That was difficult
but fun. They took plenty of pictures to
show their friends back home.
Erin and Amy drove to Burbank the
next day to watch the taping of a Jay
Leno show, but the line was so long
that they decided to pass on it. Instead
they went to a mall and had a great
time shopping. They flew back to
Georgia with souvenirs, photos, and
wonderful memories. But next time,
said Amy, were not leaving until we
see some real live actors!
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26. Stuck in the Desert

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Patricia asked for the cheapest car
available at Acme Car Rental. She
needed a car for 48 hours. Because it
was the weekend, there was only one
car available at the momentan SUV.
Patricia was an environmentalist.
SUVs, which are big cars consuming a
lot of gasoline, offended her greatly.
But she needed something to get to
Baker, a town that was 100 miles from
the small airport. So she went to
RentMe instead. I need a car for 48
hours, she said, and I dont want an
SUV. I want something cheap. They
told her they had just the vehicle for
her, a 1998 Fiat. It was only thirty
dollars a day, including insurance and
other incidental fees. All she had to do
was to pay for her own gasoline.
Patricia was very pleased. Thirty
dollars a day was a good rate even for
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a weekday. She signed all the
paperwork, and they gave her the
keys.
The Fiat was a 4-speed, 4-cylinder,
2-door beauty. The paint, tires, and the
interior were like new. It was
comfortable, even though the air-
conditioner was not the frostiest. She
got in and drove north. It was a two-
lane road all the way to Baker, with
only one town between the airport and
Baker. That town was Norris, 40 miles
from Baker.
Patricia didnt make it to Norris. The
car refused to run 30 minutes after she
had been driving it. Fortunately, her
cell phone was able to connect back to
the RentMe desk. My car stopped
running, and Im out here in the middle
of nowhere in the hot sun! she said.
That doesnt make any sense,
said the clerk. You did put gas in the
car before you left town, didnt you?
No, of course not! yelled Patricia.
Why would I put gas in the car before
I even got out of town?
Well, why do you think you got
such a good ratewe save money by
having the customer gas up instead of
us having to put gas in the car.
I was in a hurry, said Patricia.
Well, sometimes you pay a price
for being in a hurry, said the clerk.
Well send a man out with some spare
gas for you, if youd like.
Of course Id like, said Patricia.
How long will it be?
The clerk told her it would be within
the hour. He didnt tell her that there
would be a $50 service charge for
delivering the gas, or that the 3 gallons
of fuel would cost her $7 a gallon. She
would get that bad news when she
returned the car to the airport.
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27. Learning to Share

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The seal population just south of
Monterey, California, is making life
difficult for the surfer population. There
have been several incidents in the past
month of surfers being bitten or
attacked by seals. Scientists think it is
merely a result of overcrowding. Over
the past 10 years, the seals have
made their beach bigger to suit their
growing population.
The seal-loving activists say that
the surfers should surf elsewhere.
They say that the surfers are infringing
on the seals territory and making them
nervous and irritable. Sometimes,
when there are too many surfers, they
actually cause the seals to leave the
beach. This, the activists say, deprives
nature lovers of the opportunity to
enjoy watching and listening to the
seals. The activists argue that this area
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should be off limits to surfers.
Surfers, of course, dont see it quite
that way. They think that its good if the
seals get hit in the head with a loose
surfboard occasionally, because that
will teach them to stay on their rocks
and stay away from the surfers part of
the beach.
They shouldnt be allowed to have
their rocks and our beach, too,
exclaimed one blond, tan, thin 16-year-
old who refused to identify himself. All
these seals think about is me, me, me!
They need to learn to share. Cant
someone just train them to clear out of
here from about 1:00 to sunset? They
could come back here and stay all
night and all morning. That makes
sense to me.
The park service is going to hold a
public hearing on the issue. They know
its going to be a tough issue to settle,
because neither the activists nor the
surfers seem willing to compromise. A
similar issue in San Diego was settled
in the seals favor. Surfers were
prohibited from using the seals area.
Mysteriously, the seals eventually
vacated that particular area, and the
surfers were allowed to return.
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28. Sign Right Here

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Chad had worked hard all his young
life, and then his father died. Unknown
to Chad and almost everyone else, his
father was a very rich man. The will
disclosed the astounding amount of
money his father had accumulated
during his lifetime. Chad, the sole
survivor, was now rich beyond his
wildest dreams. It was as if he had
won the state lottery.
So, there was only one thing to do.
Ever since he was a little boy living in
a 19-foot trailer, Chad had dreamed of
living in a big house with a big yard
and a big dog. Well now, the dream
would come true.
Chad called up several realtors and
invited them to his apartment so that
he could tell them about his dream.
The first three realtors pretended to
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believe that Chad could afford the type
of house he described to them. They
all said they would get back to him.
They didnt. Two weeks later, Chad
talked to a pretty female realtor, who
said she would find him one of the best
and biggest houses in the world.
A month later, she called to tell him
that she was going to pick him up and
drive him to his dream house. It was
even better than Chad had imagined. It
was a three-story, 20,000 square feet
behemoth.
It had a two-lane driveway that
was almost half a mile long. It had
porches, balconies, fireplaces,
gardens, and all kinds of trees. It had
a heated swimming pool, a lighted
tennis court, a gymnasium, a bowling
alley, a theater, a music room, and a
ballroom.
It had four master suites, each
containing a huge bedroom, two
bathrooms, a living room, kitchen, and
dining room. Each suite had its own
temperature controls. There were two
staircases and three elevators in the
house, each elevator big enough to
hold a grand piano. The main kitchen
had five refrigerator/freezers lined up
side by side. The formal dining room
seated 60. Next to it were a menu-
planning room and a silverware room.
The living room easily had space
for eight or nine sofas and as many
coffee tables. The library, next to the
reading room, had enough shelving for
almost 10,000 books. The property
also had two guest houses. It had
everything except a big dog.
Chad took it. A month later he
bought four big dogs, and a year later
he married his realtor.
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29. The Street is Burning

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Alvin was walking down 6th Street
on a hot sunny day when he saw
smoke coming out of the street. He
could smell the smoke, and it was
getting thicker. It was coming out of a
storm drain. Alvin used his cell phone
to call the fire department.
The storm drain is on fire! he said.
The fire department asked for his
whereabouts and he said he was near
6th and Main. They said theyd be right
there to investigate the situation. Alvin
didnt have to be anywhere, so he
waited for the firemen to arrive. He
was curious himself as to what could
possibly be burning beneath the street.
As far as he knew, there wasnt
anything beneath the street except
concrete. And everyone knows that
concrete doesnt burn.
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A fire truck arrived a few minutes
later. Are you the man who called?
asked the driver. Alvin said yes. By
now Alvin could hear crackling sounds,
like wood burning. The firemen didnt
seem to consider it an emergency.
What do you think it could be?
Alvin asked the driver.
Oh, we know what it is. We have to
take care of a problem like this every
few months. Its the homeless people
in their houses.
Homeless people have been living
under the streets for years. Using their
knowledge of the storm drain system,
they set up their own bunkers
beneath the streets. These living areas
frequently contain tables, mattresses,
chairs, and sofas. The residents often
borrow electricity by connecting to a
live wire above ground to power their
own lamps and even TVs
underground. Either this borrowed
electricity or a discarded cigarette
causes an occasional fire.
Alvin watched as a couple of
firemen lifted a manhole cover and
descended beneath the street with a
fire hose. A few minutes later, the
black smoke turned white. Shortly
afterward, the firemen reappeared with
a homeless person who seemed to
have just been woken up.
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30. A Thoughtful Gift

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Catherine invited Nelson to dinner.
Last semester she had been a student
in Nelsons grammar class, but she
had to drop the class because her son
Kendall was having a problem in
school. The problem was that he
wasnt studying. Catherine decided
that Kendall needed more motivation.
She would provide that motivation by
watching him like a hawk. She would
also restrict his use of his Game Boy.
He was allowed to play the computer
game only on weekends.
Nelson was getting to be an old
man. He had been teaching various
subjects for almost 40 years. He could
have retired 10 years ago, but he loved
teaching. He said his students gave
him something to look forward to every
day. He planned to teach until he
dropped dead in the classroom.
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Nelson needed to take a little gift to
Catherine to show his gratitude for the
invitation. He couldnt think of what
would be appropriate. Opening his
kitchen cabinet, he found the perfect
giftan unopened box of tea. In a
kitchen drawer, he found some fresh-
looking wrapping paper. He wrapped
the box of tea up expertly. Feeling
proud of himself, he drove over to
Catherines and rang the doorbell.
He presented his gift. Catherine
made a funny face. She said she loved
the wrapping paper. Then she
unwrapped the tea and made another
funny face. Nelson, I gave this tea to
you at the end of last semester, and I
wrapped it in this paper!
Nelson gulped. His face turned red.
He told himself he had to be more
careful with gifts in the future.
Stammering, he apologized to
Catherine. She smiled and said, Its
okay. Its the thought that counts, yes?

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31. Little Hope for Hemp

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Hemp is a strong, cane-like plant
known throughout the world for its
durability and versatility. In the US,
however, the hemp industry and
supporters struggle. The US
government worries that citizens might
figure out a way to turn durable hemp
into illegal marijuana.
As a result, the US government
discourages the production and use of
hemp and its products in America.
Instead, it approves the destruction of
millions of trees annually to produce
newspapers and hundreds of other
paper products which get thrown away
every day. All those paper products
can be made from hemp.
Hemp was discovered in Asia
thousands of years ago. It is cultivated
worldwide. Hemp can grow quickly to
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heights of 15 feet or more in many
different climates and soils. It needs
little care or protection to achieve its
full growth.
Hemp matures in one growing
season. Its used in many products,
from paper to beauty products to
clothing. Like bamboo, it is used in the
construction industry. Hemp is even
good for you. Its seeds produce a
nutritious flour or oil.
Supporters of hemp production and
products struggle to overcome the US
government belief that the use of hemp
might lead to the use of marijuana.
Marijuana, says the US government, is
the gateway drug to more dangerous
drugs like cocaine.
Meanwhile, the US government
does little to prevent the thousands of
deaths, injuries, and illnesses caused
annually by tobacco and alcoholtwo
of the most addictive, dangerous,
popular (and profitable)drugs in the
world.
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32. The Ant and the
Elephant

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Lets say that you could combine,
into one super brain, 100 of the best
minds in the history of mankind. Would
that super-intelligent brain be able to
fully appreciate all the wonders of the
universe? Probably not. The universe
is simply too big, too wondrous, too
fantastic for humans. Imagine an ant
crawling all over an elephant. That ant
has little or no idea of what that
elephant is all about. Nor do we
humans grasp the magnitude of the
wonders of our universe.
For example, many of us merely
take the sun for granted; sometimes
we even complain about it! How many
of us marvel at it, wondering about its
seemingly infinite power and energy?
Yet the sun is but one of uncountable
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billions of stars in the universe. It isnt
even a remarkable star; there are
billions just like it. And billions more
that are unlike it, in thousands of
different, fascinating ways!
How many stars are out there?
Think of your favorite beach. How
many grains of sand are on that
beach? Now think of all the grains of
sand on all the beaches on Earth. Yes,
the sky has more stars than the Earth
has these grains of sand.
But many of us are too busy with
our ant lives to notice or appreciate
the elephant.
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33. Heal Yourself

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Researchers are discovering more
and more about the inner workings of
the brain through MRI and PET scans.
Both scans produce images of active,
inactive, healthy, and unhealthy areas
of the brain.
These images are helping doctors
treat brain dysfunction. In the US,
drugs have been the most common
treatment for people with brain
dysfunction. While even better drugs
continue to be developed, drug-free
remedies are now thought possible
because of new research with DNA
and stem cells.
But some scientists think that even
these remedies might be unnecessary
they think that many people with
brain dysfunction can fix themselves by
simply training their brains. Computer
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software is helping people with
Alzheimers practice repetitive memory
games. These games improve their
memory enough that many become
functional again.
Other brain disorders may also be
treatable by using repetitive exercises.
Born with cerebral palsy, Sara had a
useless right arm. Researchers
immobilized her good left arm, thus
forcing the 5-year-old to use only her
right arm for a few hours a day. In less
than a year, Saras right arm became
functional.
It sounds almost too simple and
too obvious, said one researcher. For
years, people have used repetitive
training to become better at games,
sports, and other activities. Why has it
taken us this long to realize that we
can also train the brain? Simple
repetitive practice may restore normal
brain function for many patients of all
ages.
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34. Take a Bite

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Have you ever been bitten? Of
course you have. You are surrounded
by creatures that might, or do, bite.
Even as you rest your head on your
pillow, bedbugs are probably nibbling
away at you. They live happily inside
most pillows.
Take a walk outside and you are a
target for mans best friend.
Hundreds of dog-bite victims visit US
emergency rooms daily. Many bites are
terrible. A vicious attack on a young
woman in France led to the first face
transplant. To avoid the dogs in your
neighborhood, you might want to hike
into the desert or the woods. There,
you run the risk of bites from
rattlesnakes, scorpions, and blood-
sucking ticks. Not to mention bears,
wolves, coyotes, and mountain lions.
Even as they are becoming a
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threatened species, mountain lions are
a growing threat in southern California
as man continues to reduce their
hunting areas by building housing tract
after housing tract.
Speaking of housing, watch where
you go in your house or garage. Shy
but deadly, the black widow spider and
the brown recluse spider make
themselves comfortable in quiet areas
of your closets or garage. One bite
from either of them can make you very
sick; occasionally, people die from
such bites. Unfortunately, many people
fear all spiders, not just the few
dangerous ones. They squash them or
run from them at first sight, not
realizing that most spiders are actually
beneficial to man.
If youre concerned about bites,
dont forget about rabid animal bites.
Any warm-blooded animal can get
infected with rabies. Although humans
in the US rarely get attacked by rabid
animals, the disease is painful and
dangerous. You will most likely die if
you are not treated properly within 48
hours of being bitten.
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35. Feeling Blue

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The blue-ring octopus is only about
eight inches wide with its tentacles
extended. It prefers shallow water near
Australia and often lives under piers. It
avoids humans. But if it must defend
itself, this creature can deliver a bite
that is fatal. The toxin from the bite can
paralyze most of the muscles in a
human. A human might die in less than
five minutes.
The blue-ring octopus gets its name
from bright blue circles that can appear
all over its body and tentacles. These
rings are nearly invisible when the
animal is at rest. The rings glow when
the octopus is alarmed. The glowing
blue color warns others to stay away.
The blue-ring octopus likes to
sneak up on its favorite foodcrabs.
The crabs are sometimes as big as the
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octopus. But the octopus is often able
to hug the crab tightly with its eight
tentacles. As soon as the octopus gets
a good grip, it injects its toxin into the
crabs body. Sometimes it will inject its
toxin directly into the crabs eye. The
toxin kills the crab quickly.
Like some other males in the animal
world, the male blue-ring octopus dies
shortly after mating. The female guards
the eggs for about two months until
they hatch. After that, she waits until
another male comes along.
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36. Vacation at Home

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The two-week vacation at the end
of summer school ended yesterday.
Kevin had gone nowhere during his
vacation. He had the money, but he
hated to travel alone. He used to take
vacations with Gary, his youngest
brother, but they had a big argument at
the end of their last vacation. Each of
them had spent the last three years
waiting for the other to apologize.
Kevin did not feel good about being
on non-speaking terms with his favorite
brother. But he was not going to ask
for forgiveness when, in his mind, this
whole misunderstanding was his
brothers fault.
So Kevins summer vacation was
spent in his own back yard. As usual,
he had planned to clean up his
apartment. As usual, two weeks later
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his apartment looked just as it had two
weeks before.
He did do one thing new and
different during his vacation. He went
to a new coffee shop on Foothill
Street. It served 25 varieties of
delicious coffee at reasonable prices,
and the staff were genuinely friendly.
The coffee shop had a do-it-
yourself counter near the entrance. On
the counter were lids, straws, and
wooden stirrers. There were wraps to
insulate your hands against the hot
coffee inside the cup. There were also
individual servings of sugar,
sweeteners, and creamers. Kevin used
the lids and wraps, but drank his
coffee black.
The shop was air-conditioned at a
slightly chilly temperature. About eight
small round tables were inside.
Outside were four bigger tables. Each
had four white metal chairs around it,
and several big umbrellas provided
shade. Even on hot afternoons, there
was usually a pleasant breeze.
Kevin visited the coffee shop four
times during his vacation. He always
sat at a table outside by himself and
read the free daily paper. Each day he
was there, he read most of the
newspaper articles while he enjoyed
two cups of coffee.
Between articles, he took breaks by
watching the nearby traffic and
pedestrians. The coffee shop was next
to a huge parking lot. The lot was for
customers of a grocery store, movie
rental store, pharmacy, bank, and
restaurant. Kevin considered his
outdoor seat the perfect place for one
of his favorite activitiespeople
watching.
The coffee shop, with its excellent
location and coffee, had helped make
his vacation a pleasant one. But he
knew in his heart, had his brother been
there to join him just one day, his
vacation would have been a perfect
one.
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37. His Stomach Is Growling

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Derek was listening to the radio and
using his computer. The TV was on,
but the volume was muted. The fan
was on medium speed, because low
speed would be too slow for a hot day
like today. He dared not use high
speed, because loose papers on the
table top would start flapping or flying
everywhere. The fan was far enough
away to keep the papers still, but close
enough to cool him off.
Suddenly, Dereks stomach growled
loudly. He didnt feel all that hungry,
but he thought that the squeaky
wheel should get some grease. He
went over to the refrigerator. Absent-
mindedly, he opened the top door, the
freezer door. It contained six empty ice
cube trays.
He shut it and opened the bottom
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door. He scrutinized the shelves: milk,
pickles, olives, butter, diet soda; an
unopened jar of strawberry preserves
that he must have bought two years
ago; ketchup, mustard, three bottles of
water; a few pieces of hard candy, and
some single-wrap cheese slices. How
could a whole refrigerator have nothing
worth eating, Derek wondered. He
opened the vegetable bins. Nothing in
there except some red onions, half a
head of green cabbage, and two
apples that had brown soft spots.
His refrigerator contained some
food, but it was food that you would eat
only if you were starving. He was
reminded of his stint in the army. His
buddies and he always joked about
how bad the C-rations were, but when
they were really hungry those same C-
rations disappeared quickly.
Derek went back to his desk and
resumed using his computer and
listening to the radio. His stomach
growled again, but he ignored it. He
would wait until he was really hungry.
Then he would walk down to the fried
chicken place five minutes away and
get some finger-licking food.
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38. Moving Back Home

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Brett was moving into his departed
parents home. His mom had recently
died of cancer, five years after his dad
had died in his sleep. Brett figured he
would also die in that now-empty
house.
He had hired two movers at $40 an
hour. They worked hard and fast. Brett
was also impressed with how they had
maneuvered their large truck into a
tight loading area. Movers seemed to
know lots of trickssome good, some
not so good.
Brett was a bachelor, but in the last
30 years he had accumulated a lot of
stuff in the various apartments he had
lived in. The movers were there for the
big stuffthe bed, chest of drawers
with mirror, refrigerator, computer
desk, coffee table, dining room table,
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TVs, stereo, sofa, and, of course, the
books. Earlier, Brett had packed more
than a thousand books into cardboard
boxes and sturdy paper bags. More
books than he would ever have time to
read, unless scientists discovered a
cure for the aging process. What a day
that would be!
The movers were finished in only
four hours. Brett gave them each a
$10 tip. He wondered if that would be
an insult or a compliment. They smiled
and said thanks. He told them he
would meet them at the house in a few
hours.
The apartment now looked a lot
bigger, but there was still a lot of work
to be done. All the big things were
gone, but there were lots of smaller
things. The kitchen cabinets were still
full of dishes, plastic ware, and canned
and packaged food. All the towels,
bedding, and clothes were still in the
bedroom and bathroom. In the living
room and hall closet were his golf
clubs, fishing rods, and toolboxes.
He was going to have to pack all
this by himself and then make many
car trips to his parents house. He had
thought about asking his best friend for
some help, but then decided against
that. Jerome had helped Brett make
his last two moves. You can ask your
friends to help you move only so often
before they start being less friendly.
Brett decided, if worse came to worst,
hed just pack all the remaining things
and then hire the movers again.
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39. Giving Blood

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Gabriel was running late. He had a
2 oclock appointment to give blood at
the gymnasium at George Washington
High School. At least he thought he
had; no one had ever called him back
to confirm his reservation. Probably a
confirmation call wasnt even
necessary, he thought.
He didnt feel comfortable giving
blood nowadays, no matter how much
they talked about the unlikelihood of
getting infections. As far as Gabriel
was concerned, if anything involved
humans, it also involved the possibility
of human error. But he was willing to
take the risk because he liked to think
that this was his way of giving back
to his community.
When he started his car, he knew
the gas station would be his first stop
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after the gym. He wouldnt have time
to gas up before his appointment,
because long gas lines were a daily
problem as people tried to beat the
rising gas prices.
Gabriel walked into the gym. No
other donors were there. Six staff
people, identified by their Give Life T-
shirts, were inside the gym. He walked
over to Andrew, the staff supervisor.
I have an appointment at two
oclock to donate my blood, he said.
Well, were ready if you are, said
Andrew, smiling.
Im ready, willing, and able.
Great! Just fill out this form.
Gabriel filled out the form in just a
few minutes, and then gave it back to
Andrew. Andrew gave the form to
Alexis, who asked Gabriel to sit down
at her table. She asked him if he liked
the new forms. Gabriel asked what
was new about them.
I dont have to ask you about 30
questions that I used to have to ask
you, so they save both of us time. She
asked Gabriel to hold out his hand.
Which finger do you prefer? she
asked, as she unwrapped the needle
that she was going to prick his finger
with to get a blood sample.
Oh, it doesnt matter. Theyre all
the same to me. Where is everybody?
The last time I was here, the gym was
full, Gabriel said.
I dont know. Its not even 2:15 yet.
I'm sure it will start to get busy shortly.
Were hoping that everyone shows up,
Alexis said.
Maybe you ought to give away free
T-shirts to encourage a good turnout,
Gabriel suggested.
Or free gas to guarantee one,
Alexis smiled.
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40. Perfect Weather

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It was a perfect day in Los Angeles.
Even Shakespeare might not have
words for a day like this. You had to
be there to appreciate it. The sun
was shining, and soft white clouds
were parked in the deep blue sky. The
temperature was perfect for shorts. Not
chilly, not hot. A breeze occasionally
stirred the leaves.
Most days in LA are hot. December
and January are usually rainy and, for
some reason, June is usually cool and
overcast. Although many locals find
June weather to be refreshingly cool,
the local TV weather people complain
daily. When is the June gloom going
to end? they ask.
Eventually, of course, the gray June
sky changes to a blue sky with very
high temperatures. For the next five
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months, the local TV weather people
complain about how hot it is, and get
excited when the temperature drops
five degrees.
Winter in LA means rain. Rain
excites the local TV weather people.
They get to remind viewers to
remember their umbrellas, watch out
for traffic, and drive extra carefully!
They get to say storm warning! More
than half the time, no storm follows the
storm warning.
When a big storm hits LA, the local
TV weather people show close-ups of
big puddles in the streets, close-ups of
windshield wipers wiping away
raindrops, and close-ups of wet people
waiting at bus stops. Sometimes they
show close-ups of TV reporters
standing ankle-deep in raging streams.
For some reason, the local TV
weather people never have much to
say about a perfect day like today.
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41. English Only

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Blair needed a break from the
indoor life. Sometimes it seemed like
he was in his apartment 24/7. He had
recently found a perfect outdoor cure.
It was a new coffeehouse which
served 45 kinds of coffee and tea. He
liked it because the coffee was good
and the place was never overcrowded.
The coffeehouse was only a 10-
minute walk, which Blair now took.
There were three female customers in
the coffeehouse. None of them were
young and pretty. Blair was a little
disappointed. Hed prefer to see good-
looking women while he was drinking
good coffee, but you cant have
everything.
He ordered a large coffee of the
day, which was $1.70. He gave the
clerk two dollars. He put the change in
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the tip jar and took his coffee outside.
Blair preferred to drink outside. That
way he could watch the traffic on the
street. He liked to try to spot British
motorcycles and 1960 station wagons.
He sat at a table under an umbrella,
opened his book, and began reading.
The book was a self-improvement
book. Blair had been reading it on and
off for about two years. He hadnt
noticed any improvement. A woman
was approaching the patio. Blair
looked up to see if she was attractive.
She was. And she was by herself. He
returned to the book as she passed by
him. Blair kept looking at the pages,
but his mind was on the woman.
A few minutes later, she came
outside holding a cup of coffee and sat
at the table right next to Blairs. Her
chair was so close to his that he could
have reached over and touched her on
her right shoulder. There were four
other empty tables on the patio. Why
had she sat at this one, so close to
him? Was she telling him that she was
available? Was she hoping that he
would make a move?
Blair went back to his book. But he
wasnt reading the words; he was
thinking about the woman. What could
he say to her? How could he break the
ice? What was a good line? What
blend are you drinking? Your perfume
smells nice. Werent we in the same
art class?
But maybe she wasnt interested in
him at all. Maybe she just wanted to sit
and drink in peace. Yet why would she
sit right here? His head was spinning.
He must say something.
Just then, her cell phone rang. She
answered it, then laughed, then started
talking animatedly. Thats got to be her
boyfriend, Blair thought.
But from the moment she answered
the phone, it didnt matter if she had a
boyfriend or not, because she was
speaking another language. Blair was
not interested in a girl who didn't speak
English. He went back to his book and
his coffee. It tasted good.
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42. Here It Comes

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It was early morning, January 17,
1994. John Evans and his wife were
asleep in their house in Northridge,
California. Suddenly, the loudest
thunder theyd ever heard seemed to
explode right out of the ceiling, the
floor, and the walls. They were thrown
onto the floor. The dresser, on the
other side of the bed, crashed onto the
bed, which was shaking and bouncing
violently. Paintings and a mirror flew off
the bedroom walls. Their bedroom
windows broke and the walls cracked
as the foundation of the house moved.
The Northridge quake was only
6.8 on the Richter scale (10 is
maximum). There have been many
earthquakes stronger than the
Northridge one. The strongest quake
ever recorded, 9.5, occurred in Chile in
1960.
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Each whole number on the Richter
scale equals ten times the energy of
the previous number. That is, a 3.0
quake is ten times as powerful as a 2.0
quake. Quakes are measured on
instruments called seismograms.
Earthquakes usually occur where
tectonic plates meet. About 30 of these
plates cover the Earth. They are
several miles thick and huge in area
most of the Pacific Ocean sits on just
one plate.
Earthquakes occur when one plate
strikes another or slides beneath
another. Either action produces a huge
amount of energy that travels upwards
to the surface of the land or upwards
to the surface of the ocean floor. A
powerful earthquake on the ocean floor
produces a tsunami.
It is well-known that various kinds
of animals act oddly just before an
earthquake occurs. Researchers hope
to discover how these animals can
actually detect an earthquake. Theyll
use that knowledge to try to create an
early warning system to save human
lives. Well never be able to take the
power out of an earthquake, but
maybe someday we can take out the
surprise.
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43. A Healthy Heart

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Smaller than your fist, your
muscular heart just goes on and on. It
will beat more than 60 times a minute
for 70 years or more. Thats something
that most of us take for granted. But
its an amazing fact.
Sixty times a minute for 60 minutes
is 3,600 times. What physical thing can
most of us do 3,600 times in one
hour? Blink? Maybe. Tap our fingers
on the desk? Nope. Jump up and
down? Certainly not! But our heart
keeps beating, hour after hour. Every
day, it pumps almost 2,000 gallons of
blood through our blood vessels. It
takes you about five years to drink
2,000 gallons of water.
And, unlike your knees or your
back, your heart does all this work
without ever complaining! You never
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know that its even there. Your heart is
such a reliable silent partner that
people forget to care for it. For many,
the first indication that their heart isnt
functioning properly is a fatal heart
attack! Over 650,000 Americans die
annually of some kind of heart disease.
Cancer kills 560,000, stroke kills
143,000, and accidents kill 118,000
Americans annually.
Like accidental deaths, many heart
disease-related deaths can be avoided
if people simply follow the advice of
the experts. Unfortunately, most
people seem to listen to a little voice in
their head that says, It wont happen
to me. So these people keep on
smoking and drinking. They continue to
eat too much meat. And their only
exercise is getting off the sofa to get
something out of the refrigerator.
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44. Are You Busy Friday
Night?

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One night a motorcyclist crashed
into a bridge. The rider was on his way
home from a party. Traveling at about
70 mph on the unlit, two-lane road, he
lost control on a curve. He lay next to
his motorcycle for 20 minutes before a
passerby noticed the wreckage.
A half hour later, the rider was lying
on a gurney in the local hospital.
Moaning in pain, he was unaware of
his condition or whereabouts. The
emergency room doctors gave him no
medicationthey needed to examine
him thoroughly before taking him to
surgery.
His jaw was broken, as were all
three bones in his right leg. Part of his
femur was protruding through his thigh,
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and there was a deep hole in his shin
just below his knee. Dr. Kildare wanted
to amputate the riders leg just below
the knee. He said the hole in the shin
was so deep that infection would be
inevitable. He figured amputation now
would be better than amputation later.
Dr. Welby disagreed. He said the
patient was young enough to heal
rapidly, with little possibility of
significant infection. Since Dr. Welby
was in charge, the patient was allowed
to keep his leg.
The day following surgery, the
patient achieved brief consciousness in
his hospital room. He didnt notice that
his leg was suspended and completely
immobilized. He didnt notice that there
was an IV tube and needle taped into
the back of each hand. He didnt notice
that his jaw was wired shut. All he
noticed was that a beautiful young
nurse was looking at him. He tried to
introduce himself, but he had no idea
what his name was. He went right back
to sleep.
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45. Your Eyes

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Light goes through the pupil, the
dark hole in the center of your eye.
The light becomes an image on the
retina, which converts these images
into nerve impulses. The brain reads
these impulses and tells you what
you are seeing. The image that the
retina receives is upside down, but the
brain reverses it to right-side up.
In an experiment years ago, a brave
researcher wore special lenses that
turned everything upside down. After
stumbling around for awhile, he
became used to the lenses because
his brain corrected the images. To
conclude his experiment, he stopped
wearing the lenses. After awhile, his
brain returned his vision to normal.
People with vision problems are
usually near-sighted or far-sighted.
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Near-sighted people see clearly only
objects that are near; far-sighted
people see clearly only objects that are
far away. Both groups of people need
corrective lenses (glasses or contacts).
People whose near and far vision is
good have 20/20 vision. People with
poor eyesight might have 20/40 vision
(or worse). That is, a person with good
vision can see an object from 40 feet
away as clearly as a person with poor
vision can see the object from 20 feet
away. No matter how good your vision
is when you are young, you will need
reading glasses when you get old.
Your pupils get bigger as a light
source gets dimmer, but your pupils
also get bigger if you see something
(like a delicious meal) that interests
you. Your eyes are bigger than your
stomach is an expression parents use
when a child fills his plate with more
food than he can eat.
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46. Nutrition Facts

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Americans get confused when they
try to understand the food labels
(Nutrition Facts) on their packaged
food. This is partly because the Food
and Drug Administration and the
Department of Agriculture often seem
more interested in the welfare of the
food industry than in the health of
consumers.
For example, even though health
practitioners and the federal
government itself tell consumers to
watch their salt intake, processors
continue to add salt to packaged food.
Salt occurs naturally in many foods, so
why do processors add more? Perhaps
processors think that extra salty food
will make the consumers thirsty
enough to buy more soda and other
beverages that the processors also
make.
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Serving Size is supposed to be
the amount an average adult would eat
at one sitting as part of a regular meal.
However, a 6-ounce container may
have anywhere from 1 to 3 servings,
depending on the food inside the
container. A 6-ounce can of Crabmeat
contains one serving, while a 6-ounce
can of Pink Salmon Chunks contains 3
servings.
With the federal governments
approval, processors use labeling that
helps to sell the product, regardless of
how confusing or deceptive the label is
to the consumer. If a consumer sees
200 calories on a can of tuna fish, he
might not buy it because 200 is a lot of
calories. But if the consumer sees 20
calories (because the can of tuna fish
has 10 servings!), he doesnt worry
that the can contains too many
calories. All he sees is the number 20.
That makes him happy, and it makes
the processor happy.
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47. Two Babies

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She wanted to have two babies
one boy and one girl. She wanted to
have the boy first and the girl a year
later. That way they could grow up
together. He said that was okay with
him. She said, "What do you mean,
'okay'? It shouldn't be 'okay' with you.
You should say that you want two
babies just as much as I do. If you
don't want two babies as much as I do,
then forget it."
He asked, "Forget it? You mean
that we won't have two babies unless I
really want to have two babies?"
She said, "Yes, that's right. If you
don't really want two babies, then we
won't have two babies."
"Okay," he said, "then let's not have
two babies."
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"Are you sure about that?" she
asked.
He nodded his head, "Yes, I'm sure.
We can't afford even one baby."
"Okay," she said. "Goodbye."
"What do you mean, 'goodbye'?" he
asked.
She told him she was going to leave
him. She was going to find a man who
wanted to have two babies with her.
He told her that he was just kidding
of course he really wanted to have two
babies with her.
"Too late," she said. "You already
told me how you really feel."
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48. Problems at Home

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Emily sat down on the sofa. She
took off her shoes. She put her feet on
the coffee table. She leaned back. She
picked up the remote and turned on
the TV. It was 6 o'clock. The news was
on three channels. She didn't want to
see the news. The news depressed
her. It was usually about accidents and
murders. There was too much bad
news on the TV news.
She found a talk show to watch. It
was Ellen. She liked Ellen. Ellen was a
comedian. She told good jokes. She
showed animals doing funny things.
She gave expensive gifts to her fans
occasionally. This show was a rerun,
because Ellen's "live" show was
usually on at 4 o'clock. But that didn't
matter to Emily.
All she wanted to do was relax. Her
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life was one problem after another. Her
husband had just lost his job. Her only
child had dropped out of high school.
Even worse, he had left home. He told
Emily he would call from time to time.
But he hadn't called in two weeks.
She was worried sick. She didn't
know where he was. She didn't know if
he was dead or alive. Her husband
said she shouldn't worry. He had done
the same thing when he was 17. But
when he found out that life on the road
wasn't as easy as he thought it was,
he returned home and got his high
school diploma.
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49. A Bad Smell

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It was a warm, sunny day. She put
a hat on to keep the sun out of her
eyes. She needed to visit her bank.
She walked down to the corner. There
were four buildings at the intersection.
One was her bank. Opposite the bank
was a fast food restaurant. The other
two buildings were a dry cleaner and
an office building.
Before she arrived at the corner,
she could smell the fried chicken. The
restaurant was open seven days a
week, and the odor of fried chicken
was in the neighborhood daily. She
was a vegetarian.
She used to eat meat and fish. But
that was before she found a dead cat
in her dumpster one day. Of course,
she had smelled the dead cat before
she opened the dumpster lid. Everyone
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knows the smell of dead flesh. She
knew that something in the dumpster
was dead, but she didn't know what.
Just in case it was a human (some
people dump their babies into
dumpsters), she opened the lid. She
saw the cat. Flies covered most of it.
They were enjoying their meal. She
loved cats. She had two of her own.
A week later at a restaurant, she
ordered a hamburger. While she was
eating it, she suddenly thought about
the dead cat. She spit out the
hamburger. That was the day she
became a vegetarian.
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50. Time to Shop

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It was time to go to the market. He
had no bananas, no apples, and no
milk. He got into his car and drove to
the market. It was only five minutes
away. The parking lot was almost
empty. Good, he thought. He wouldn't
have to stand in a long line.
He parked his car and walked over
to the shopping cart area. He pulled
out one of the carts and pushed it
ahead of him into the store. Inside, he
grabbed an alcohol wipe and wiped the
handle of the cart. Then he grabbed
another wipe and wiped his own
hands. You can never be too careful,
he thought.
He turned left and walked over to
the produce section. Today was his
lucky day. Apples were on sale, a
dollar a pound. Usually they were two
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dollars a pound or more. He put 10
apples into a plastic bag and weighed
the bag. It was three pounds. He
walked over to the bananas. They
were the regular price, 79 cents a
pound. He bought three pounds of
bananas.
When he saw the carrots, he
remembered that he needed carrots,
too. He put a two-pound bag of carrots
into his cart. They were only $1.29. He
walked to the dairy section and saw
that a gallon of milk was $4. He put a
gallon into his cart and walked back to
the front of the store.
He paid for his food, got his receipt,
and walked out to his car. He put the
food into his trunk and drove home.
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51. Fix the Car

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She got into her car. She hoped it
would start. Twice in the past month,
the car had not started the first time
she turned the key. It had started the
second time she turned the key, but
that made her nervous. Sooner or
later, she might have to turn the key
three times, then four times.
She had called her mechanic. He
said to bring the car in when she had
time. When was that, she wondered.
She worked two jobs. She was a clerk
at a clothing store. She spent five days
a week folding clothes or hanging them
up on hangers.
People who tried on clothes usually
left them on the floor in the dressing
room. They rarely folded them or hung
them back up on the hangers. The
store was only 15 minutes from her
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apartment, and parking was free.
Also, she worked four nights a
week at a restaurant. She was a
waitress. She made good money from
her tips. Usually, the customers were
friendly and interesting. She liked her
waitress job, but it was a 30-minute
drive from her apartment. The
restaurant closed at 10 p.m.
She did not want to be stuck in the
parking lot late at night if her car didn't
start. Her mechanic wasn't open on
weekends. She decided to ask her
boss to give her a day off from the
clothing store. Then she could still
drive to the restaurant that night after
her car was fixed. She would miss only
one day of work.
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53. A Thief on the Sidewalk

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She looked at the man walking
along the sidewalk next to the nice
houses. He didn't live in any of those
houses. She had seen this man
several times before. He looked like a
criminal. She knew not to judge a book
by its cover, but this man was no good.
She drove by him. He looked at her
car as she drove by. She continued
driving. She watched him in her rear
view mirror. She got to the corner and
stopped. She continued to watch him
walking in her direction. Suddenly, he
turned left up a driveway. A red SUV
was parked in the driveway right next
to the sidewalk. She saw him walk up
to the driver's door and put his hand
on the handle. He returned to the
sidewalk and continued walking in her
direction.
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What was that all about, she
wondered. Then she realized that he
had tested the door to see if it was
locked. He is a criminal, she thought.
That's what he does. He just walks
through our neighborhoods looking for
cars to break into.
She called the police. She
described the man. The officer said he
knew who the man was. Residents
called two or three times a week to
report him walking by. But the police
couldn't arrest him for walking around.
They had to catch him with stolen
goods. "But he was testing that SUV
door to see if it was unlocked," she
said.
"I'm sorry," said the officer. "That's
not against the law. If you see him
actually steal something, give us a
call."
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Facebook | Videos Posted by J aipal Shekhawat: enjoy it....its mind blowing,must watch
file:///C|/Users/Ramees/Documents/Downloads/video.htm[10/13/2010 8:07:05 AM]
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Facebook | Videos Posted by J aipal Shekhawat: enjoy it....its mind blowing,must watch
file:///C|/Users/Ramees/Documents/Downloads/video.htm[10/13/2010 8:07:05 AM]
enjoy it....its mind blowing,must watch
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