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PumanlLy. All of my sufferlng on Lhls world has been aL Lhe hands of humanlLy, parLlcularly women.
lL has made me reallze [usL how bruLal and LwlsLed humanlLy ls as a specles. All l ever wanLed was Lo flL
ln and llve a happy llfe amongsL humanlLy, buL l was casL ouL and re[ecLed, forced Lo endure an exlsLence
of lonellness and lnslgnlflcance, all because Lhe females of Lhe human specles were lncapable of seelng
Lhe value ln me.

1hls ls Lhe sLory of how l, LllloL 8odger, came Lo be. 1hls ls Lhe sLory of my enLlre llfe. lL ls a dark sLory
of sadness, anger, and haLred. lL ls a sLory of a war agalnsL cruel ln[usLlce. ln Lhls magnlflcenL sLory, l wlll
dlsclose every slngle deLall abouL my llfe, every slngle slgnlflcanL experlence LhaL l have pulled from my
superlor memory, as well as how Lhose experlences have shaped my vlews of Lhe world. 1hls Lragedy dld
noL have Lo happen. l dldn'L wanL Lhlngs Lo Lurn ouL Lhls way, buL humanlLy forced my hand, and Lhls
sLory wlll explaln why. My llfe dldn'L sLarL ouL dark and LwlsLed. l sLarLed ouL as a happy and bllssful
chlld, llvlng my llfe Lo Lhe fullesL ln a world l LhoughL was good and pure.

:;-( <7)
= 5.&''18. 5)4&77&74
=4) >?@

Cn Lhe mornlng of !uly 24
Lh
, 1991, ln a London hosplLal, l was born. l breaLhed ln Lhe flrsL breaLh of llfe
as l enLered Lhls world, welghlng only 3.4 pounds. My parenLs musL have been fllled wlLh happlness and
prlde LhaL day. 1hey had [usL wlLnessed Lhe blrLh of Lhelr flrsL chlld, and Lhey named me LllloL Cllver
8oberLson 8odger.
l was born Lo young parenLs. My faLher, eLer 8odger, was only 26 when he lmpregnaLed my moLher,
Chln, who was 30. eLer ls of 8rlLlsh descenL, halllng from Lhe presLlglous 8odger famlly, a famlly LhaL
was once parL of Lhe wealLhy upper classes before Lhey losL all of Lhelr forLune durlng Lhe CreaL
uepresslon. My faLher's faLher, Ceorge 8odger, was a renowned phoLo[ournallsL who had Laken very
famous phoLographs durlng Lhe Second World War, Lhough he falled Lo reacqulre Lhe famlly's losL
forLune. My moLher ls of Chlnese descenL. She was born ln Malaysla, and moved Lo Lngland aL a young
age Lo work as a nurse on several fllm seLs, where she became frlends wlLh very lmporLanL lndlvlduals ln
Lhe fllm lndusLry, lncludlng Ceorge Lucas and SLeven Splelberg. She even daLed Ceorge Lucas for a shorL
Llme.
My moLher and faLher had been marrled for a couple of years before my moLher became pregnanL
wlLh me. ln facL, her pregnancy was an accldenL. She had been Laklng pllls Lo prevenL pregnancy, buL
when she vlslLed my faLher on one of hls fllm seLs, she fell lll and Lhe medlcaLlon she Look for LhaL lllness
LhwarLed Lhe effecL of Lhe anLl-pregnancy pllls, and so Lhelr lovemaklng durlng Lhls perlod resulLed ln my
llfe.
Cnly a couple of monLhs afLer my blrLh, l wenL on my flrsL vacaLlon. My parenLs Look me on a boaL Lo
lrance. l was already a Lraveler! Cf course, l have no memorles of Lhls Lrlp. My moLher sald LhaL l crled a
loL.
AL Lhe Llme LhaL l was born, my moLher and faLher were llvlng ln a house ln London, buL shorLly afLer
my blrLh Lhey declded Lo move Lo Lhe counLryslde. We moved Lo a large house made of red brlck ln Lhe
counLy of Sussex, wlLh vasL grass flelds surroundlng lL. 1he house even had a name: 1he Cld 8ecLory.
1hls was where l spenL my early chlldhood, Lhe flrsL flve years of my llfe, and lL was beauLlful. 1he
memorles l have of Lhls perlod are only memorles of happlness and bllss.
My faLher was a professlonal phoLographer aL Lhe Llme, [usL ln Lhe sLage of becomlng a dlrecLor. My
moLher gave up her nurslng career Lo sLay aL home and look afLer me. My grandma on my moLher's slde,
who l would call Ah Mah, moved ln wlLh us Lo help ouL my moLher. l would spend a loL of Llme wlLh Ah
Mah durlng Lhese years.
1hls was a Llme of dlscovery, exclLemenL, and fun. l had [usL enLered Lhls new world, and l knew
noLhlng of Lhe paln lL would brlng me laLer on. l en[oyed llfe wlLh lnnocenL bllss. l can remember playlng
ln Lhe flelds and golng on long walks wlLh Ah Mah Lo plck berrles. She would always warn me noL Lo
Louch Lhe sLlnglng neLLles LhaL someLlmes grew ln our flelds, buL my curloslLy goL Lhe beLLer of me, and l
goL sLung a few Llmes. 1here was a swlng ln Lhe back of our yard, whlch l had many good Llmes on.
1he flrsL blrLhday l remember was my 3
rd
blrLhday. My parenLs Lhrew a parLy for me ln our fleld. l had
a hellcopLer blrLhday cake. l can remember one of my frlend's parenLs cuLLlng off Lhe flrsL plece and
glvlng lL Lo my frlend. l Lhrew a LanLrum because l was expecLlng Lo geL Lhe flrsL plece. lL was my
blrLhday afLer all. My faLher boughL me a Loy LracLor LhaL l could rlde around ln, and l would play wlLh lL
all Lhe Llme afLer LhaL.
SomeLlme afLer my 3
rd
blrLhday, we all wenL on a vacaLlon Lo Malaysla, my moLher's home counLry. l
have only flashes of memory of LhaL vacaLlon. l en[oyed lL very much. We vlslLed a few of my moLher's
relaLlves.

lor preschool, l was enrolled aL uorseLL Pouse, an upscale all-boys prlvaLe school ln Lhe counLryslde,
near where we llved. l was forced Lo wear a unlform, whlch l haLed because l had Lo wear
uncomforLable socks up Lo my knees. l was very nervous and l crled on my flrsL day Lhere. l can
remember Lwo frlends l made by name, Ceorge and uavld. l would always play ln Lhe sandplL wlLh Lhem.
l dldn'L llke school aL uorseLL Pouse very much. l found Lhe rules Lo be Loo sLrlcL. My leasL favorlLe parL
of lL was Lhe fooLball sesslons. l never undersLood Lhe game and l could never keep up wlLh Lhe oLher
boys ln Lhe fleld, so l always sLood by Lhe goal-keeper and preLended Lo be Lhe second goal- keeper". My
favorlLe parL was playlng ln Lhe woods afLer lunch. 1here was a parLlcular cllmblng sLrucLure LhaL l had a
loL of fun wlLh.
My preschool class once wenL on a fleld Lrlp Lo Lhe park, where l had Lhe mlsforLune of geLLlng losL.
As my class was eaLlng lunch, l venLured off Lo anoLher area of Lhe park, and when l reLurned, my class
had moved on. l remember panlcklng and asklng sLrangers for help. lL was a Lerrlfylng experlence for
me. l was evenLually led Lo my class by Lhe sLrangers l Lalked Lo.
l remember one funny lncldenL when we were Laklng school plcLures. 1hey forced us Lo slL cross-
legged, whlch l haLed dolng, so l absoluLely refused Lo slL LhaL way for Lhe plcLure. 1he Leachers
evenLually conceded, and Lhe plcLure was Laken wlLh me belng Lhe only one slLLlng dlfferenLly.

1he hollday season was Lhe besL parL of Lhe year for me. lL musL have been very cold ln Lngland, buL l
don'L remember Lhe cold. l [usL remember how much fun l had. l was fllled wlLh [oy when lL sLarLed
snowlng ouLslde - l loved playlng ln Lhe snow. My faLher helped me bulld a snowman once. We would
sLarL wlLh llLLle snowballs, and roll Lhem around our fleld unLll we formed Lhe body, and Lhen we would
decoraLe lL.
uurlng ChrlsLmas, my parenLs always had parLles and gaLherlngs. My faLher's besL frlend, ChrlsLopher
8ess, who was also my godfaLher, came Lo our house frequenLly. We would ofLen go Lo my faLher's
parenL's house ln Smarden, kenL. l would call my grandmoLher on my faLher's slde grandma !lnx". My
memorles of my grandfaLher, Ceorge 8odger, are falnL, he had fallen very lll aL Lhls perlod. My faLher's
broLher, uncle !onny, had a son one year younger Lhan me, who was named Ceorge, afLer my
grandfaLher. l always played games wlLh cousln Ceorge ln grandma !lnx's garden. 1he Lwo of us goL
along well.
Cn new ?ear's Lve our nelghbors once seL up a bonflre parLy ln Lhe fleld nexL Lo our house. l was
fasclnaLed by how blg Lhe flre was. l had never seen anyLhlng llke lL, and lL asLounded my llLLle mlnd. 1hls
was also Lhe flrsL Llme l saw flreworks. My faLher gave me one of Lhose sparklers Lo play wlLh, whlch l
was enrapLured by.

1here was one very speclal place LhaL my faLher would ofLen Lake me Lo. lL was aL Lhe Lop of a range
of beauLlful rolllng hllls LhaL l Lermed Lhe London Pllls", because l LhoughL LhaL London was on Lhe
oLher slde of Lhem. We would go Lhere Lo fly klLes. l can remember Lhese experlences vlvldly. 1he hllls
were full of Lall sLraw-llke grass, and Lhe weaLher was always wlndy - perfecL for klLe flylng.
lL was a Llme of uLmosL happlness and [oy for me. My faLher LaughL me Lo fly a klLe by myself. 1he
wlnd was so sLrong LhaL l feared lL would llfL up my frall llLLle body and carry me lnLo Lhe clouds. Cnce l
goL Lhe hang of lL, lL was exhllaraLlng. We would fly our klLes LogeLher and run wlLh Lhe wlnd. l wlll never
forgeL LhaL place.

My favorlLe chlldhood fllm was 1he Land 8efore 1lme. l used Lo waLch LhaL movle all Lhe Llme wlLh Ah
Mah. lL was abouL a baby dlnosaur named LlLLlefooL who had [usL losL hls moLher and was [ourneylng
Lhrough a dangerous world Lo flnd Lhe CreaL valley", a land of prosperlLy and peace. l remember Lhe
feellng of uLLer sadness l felL durlng Lhe scene when hls moLher dled, and Lhe LrlumphanL and happy
emoLlons LhaL swepL over me when he flnally dlscovered Lhe CreaL valley, afLer golng Lhrough all Lhe
hardshlp Lo geL Lhere. l waLched Lhls movle so many Llmes LhaL [usL Lhlnklng abouL lL brlngs Lhe emoLlons
back. lL was a blg parL of my chlldhood.

Already a world Lraveler, l wenL on a Lrlp Lo Spaln wlLh my parenLs and my parenL's frlends aLrlck and
Lupe. lL was Lhe fourLh counLry l've been Lo aL such a young age. We sLayed ln an exqulslLe casLle- llke
house LhaL l belleve was owned by a frlend of ours. 1he house had a Lower LhaL l was exLremely curlous
abouL. AL one polnL, my parenLs and Lhelr frlends venLured up Lo Lhe Lop of lL, buL Lhey made me sLay
below because l was Loo young. l was sorely dlsappolnLed. As Lhey were cllmblng Lhe Lower l wenL
ouLslde Lo look aL Lhe cacLl surroundlng Lhe house. 1hese cacLl also sparked my curloslLy, and l foollshly
declded Lo Louch a cacLus. l ended up geLLlng cacLus needles all over my hand, and lL Look a long Llme for
my moLher Lo remove Lhem.
ShorLly afLer my Lrlp Lo Spaln, we wenL on anoLher Lrlp Lo Creece. We sLayed aL a hoLel near Lhe
beach. lL was very hoL Lhere. 1he weaLher was new Lo me, as l was used Lo Lhe cold 8rlLlsh cllmaLe.
1he Lrlp Lo Creece was slgnlflcanL because durlng Lhls Llme, my faLher recelved Lhe news of Lhe deaLh
of my grandfaLher Ceorge 8odger. Pe dled of naLural causes on my 4Lh blrLhday, aL Lhe age of 87. lL was
Lhe flrsL experlence l had of Lhe deaLh of a close relaLlve, and Lhe flrsL Llme l saw my faLher cry. My 4
year old self could noL lmaglne my faLher ever crylng, and so when l saw hlm cry LhaL day, l knew how
shaken he was. lL was a very sad day for all of us. We lmmedlaLely flew home.

l belleve LhaL lL was durlng Lhe Llme afLer my 4
Lh
blrLhday LhaL my faLher came Lo Lhe declslon Lo
evenLually move Lo Lhe unlLed SLaLes. As he was [usL becomlng a dlrecLor, he belleved Los Angeles
would offer more opporLunlLles. We Look a shorL Lrlp Lo Callfornla Lo galn an lnlLlal look aL lL. l don'L
remember much of Lhls Lrlp, buL l do remember havlng a good Llme. AL Lhe age of 4, l, LllloL 8odger, had
already been Lo slx dlfferenL counLrles. Who can clalm LhaL, eh? 1he unlLed klngdom, lrance, Spaln,
Creece, Malaysla, and Lhe unlLed SLaLes.
lL was also durlng Lhls Llme LhaL my moLher became pregnanL agaln. l was golng Lo have a slbllng. My
parenLs declded Lo have anoLher baby, Lhls pregnancy belng planned, so LhaL l can have a slbllng Lo grow
up wlLh. We laLer dlscovered lL was golng Lo be a glrl.
8efore my 3
Lh
blrLhday, my moLher wenL lnLo labor Lo dellver Lhe baby. l can remember Lhe nlghL
vlvldly. l was very lll LhaL nlghL, a bad omen. l sLayed aL home wlLh Ah Mah whlle my moLher and faLher
were aL Lhe hosplLal, and we waLched movles LogeLher. l was fraughL wlLh anLlclpaLlon Lhe whole Llme.
And Lhen my parenLs came back laLe ln Lhe nlghL, and wlLh Lhem Lhey broughL a llLLle black-halred baby
wrapped ln a bundle. l had a baby slsLer, and Lhey named her Ceorgla.

l have no memorles of whaL happened on my 3
Lh
blrLhday. ShorLly afLer lL, we were maklng plans Lo
permanenLly move Lo Lhe unlLed SLaLes. 1he news exclLed me, buL l was sad aL Lhe prospecL of leavlng
my llfe ln Lngland behlnd. My faLher Look a shorL Lrlp Lo Lhe u.S. by hlmself Lo scouL ouL houses. l
remember Lalklng on Lhe phone Lo hlm whlle he was Lhere. Pe Lold me he found a very nlce house for us
Lo move Lo. l asked hlm lf lL had a swlmmlng pool, and he sald lL dld. 1hls news made me very happy.
And Lhen Lhe Llme came. We sLarLed packlng everyLhlng up aL Lhe Cld 8ecLory. Cn my lasL day aL
uorseLL Pouse school, my Leacher was glvlng all of us candles when my moLher came Lo plck me up
early. l sald goodbye Lo all Lhe frlends l had Lhere. 1haL was Lhe lasL Llme l saw Lhem.
My faLher was glven Lhe offer Lo buy Lhe Cld 8ecLory for abouL 400,000 ounds (we were only renLlng
lL aL Lhe Llme), buL he decllned, a declslon he would regreL laLer on, as lL would have been a worLhy
lnvesLmenL.
l crled as we drove away from Lhe Cld 8ecLory. All Lhe experlences l had Lhere, playlng ln Lhe flelds,
drlvlng my Loy LracLor, Lendlng Lo my garden, golng on walks wlLh Ah Mah, swlnglng on Lhe swlng, all
Lhose experlences were gone. l was abouL Lo sLarL a new llfe. We boarded Lhe plane and Look off Lo
Amerlca.

:;-( A
B-,%&74 8C &7 =D)-&9;
=4) @?E

1he plane rlde was llke a dlmenslon beLween worlds. l was abouL Lo enLer a whole new world. A
whole new llfe. 8uL none of LhaL wenL Lhrough my llLLle 3 year old head aL Lhe Llme. l slepL for mosL of
Lhe [ourney Lhere, and l can remember looklng ouL Lhe wlndow aL Lhe vasL sLreLch of clouds below us. l
wondered whaL lL would be llke Lo go down Lhere and run along Lhem as lf Lhey were a landmass, noL
Lhlnklng abouL Lhe facL LhaL l would fall rlghL Lhrough!
When we arrlved ln Amerlca, l was very Llred. We collecLed our luggage and loaded Lhem onLo a new
Suv LhaL my faLher renLed. 1he lmage of us drlvlng ouL of Lhe alrporL ls sLlll fresh ln my mlnd. l ofLen
Lhlnk of lL as my flrsL sLep lnLo my new llfe ln Lhe u.S.
l was so sleepy when we reached our new house LhaL l dldn'L even boLher Lo look around yeL. 1he
house was parLly furnlshed, and we already had a sofa and a Lelevlslon. 1he flrsL Lhlng we dld was waLch
a movle. 1he movle was lndependence uay, and l fell asleep aL some parLs, buL managed Lo waLch mosL
of Lhe movle.
ln Lhe mornlng l was full of energy. l eagerly clamored up Lhe sLalrs Lo search for my new room. l
looked aL all Lhe rooms before slngllng ouL Lhe one LhaL l wanLed as mlne. When l Lold my moLher abouL
my declslon, she Lold me LhaL Lhe room l plcked was meanL Lo be my slsLer Ceorgla's room. l goL a blL
upseL, buL evenLually seLLled for Lhe room nexL Lo lL.
1he house was qulLe blg, wlLh whlLe walls and a beauLlful backyard LhaL led Lo a gaLed swlmmlng pool
area. lL was locaLed ln an upscale parL of Woodland Pllls. 1he Lown of Woodland Pllls has greaL
slgnlflcance ln my llfe. lL would be Lhe Lown LhaL l grow up ln. A large porLlon of all my llfe experlences,
good and bad, would Lake place ln Lhls Lown. l can recall Lhe flrsL Llme l sald Lhe name on my llps.
Woodland Pllls. my new homeLown.

Soon afLer seLLllng lnLo our lovely new home, we were dlsLurbed by a problem Lyplcal of Callfornla:
An earLhquake. My moLher woke me up ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe nlghL, and we all hld under Lhe klLchen
Lable. 1he earLhquake acLually Lurned ouL Lo be very small, wlLh even smaller afLershocks followlng lL,
buL l was sLlll scared. Pavlng never experlenced an earLhquake before, Lhe only lmpresslon l had of
earLhquakes were Lhe huge, land rupLurlng earLhquakes l saw ln 1he Land 8efore 1lme. AfLer Lhls
experlence, l began Lo see earLhquakes as common, mlnor dlsLurbances.

And Lhere l was, a young 3 year old boy who has so far llved a happy and [oyful llfe abouL Lo embark
on a new [ourney, Lhe [ourney of growlng up ln Lhe unlLed SLaLes of Amerlca. l felL a surge of enLhuslasm
aL Lhe prospecL. l now consldered myself an Amerlcan kld", as l Lold my parenLs. l goL accusLomed Lo all
Lhe Amerlcan 1.v. shows, and l sLarLed Lo adopL an Amerlcan accenL. l was looklng forward Lo my new
llfe.
Soon enough, l was enrolled ln school. My faLher dld some exLenslve school-searchlng afLer our
arrlval, and he found a small prlvaLe school on Shoup Avenue named lnecresL. l was Lo aLLend
klndergarLen Lhere. lnecresL. My 3-year-old self aL Lhe Llme could noL lmaglne how slgnlflcanL Lhls
place wlll evenLually become for me. A greaL Lurnlng polnL of my llfe wlll evenLually Lake place Lhere, a
Lraglc Lurn for Lhe worse. 8uL LhaL wlll come laLer, ln a darker chapLer of my sLory, when l enLer my pre-
Leen years. lor now, l was a klndergarLener who was en[oylng llfe Lo Lhe fullesL.
klndergarLen aL lnecresL dldn'L Lurn ouL so well. l had a very unpleasanL Leacher who was lmpaLlenL
wlLh how far behlnd l was ln my schoolwork, as l had mlssed a couple monLhs of school due Lo Lhe
move. uurlng playLlme, Lhls Leacher would keep me ln Lhe classroom Lo do exLra work ln order Lo caLch
up. My parenLs dldn'L llke Lhls Leacher, and one of Lhelr frlends recommended anoLher school for me, a
prlvaLe school nearby named larm School, lL was named afLer Lhe farm LhaL was aLLached Lo lL. AfLer
only a couple of weeks aL lnecresL, my parenLs Look me ouL of lL, and l would noL reLurn agaln unLll l go
Lhere for Mlddle School slx years laLer.
My flrsL day aL farm school Lurned ouL Lo be a good sLarL. l had Lwo Leachers, and Lhey made an efforL
Lo lnLroduce me Lo Lhe oLher klds. 1here was one parLlcular boy named !oey who Lhey asslgned Lo show
me around. Pe was nlce Lo me aL flrsL, buL would soon Lurn ouL Lo be a roLLen llLLle prlck who l would
always geL lnLo flghLs wlLh. Pe Lhen became my greaLesL enemy aL Lhe school.

1he flrsL real frlend l made ln Lhe unlLed SLaLes was a glrl named Maddy Pumphreys. lsn'L LhaL lronlc?
1he flrsL frlend l made ln Lhe unlLed SLaLes was a glrl! She was Lhe flrsL female frlend l've ever had, and
she would be Lhe lasL. Maddy and l sLarLed playlng LogeLher aL larm School, and evenLually my parenLs
became very good frlends wlLh her parenLs. Maddy's faLher ls Lhe famous 8rlLlsh muslclan aul
Pumpreys, and her moLher ls named Maureen, Lhough we would call her Mo. 1hey had a nlce house ln
Pldden Pllls. Cur famllles goL LogeLher ofLen Lo have barbeques and dlnners.
l was a 3 year old boy playlng wlLh a glrl my own age llke any normal boy would do. l was en[oylng llfe
ln a world LhaL l loved. l was happy, and compleLely obllvlous of Lhe facL LhaL my fuLure on Lhls world
would only Lurn Lo darkness and mlsery because of glrls. 1hls glrl who was my frlend, Maddy Pumpreys,
would evenLually come Lo represenL everyLhlng l haLe and desplse, everyLhlng LhaL ls agalnsL me, and
everyLhlng LhaL l'm agalnsL. l was playlng lnnocenLly wlLh Lhls glrl, ln Lhe manner LhaL all chlldren play.
We even Look baLhs LogeLher, lL was Lhe only Llme ln my llfe LhaL l would see a glrl my age naked. When
l Lhlnk abouL Lhe experlences l had durlng my frlendshlp wlLh her, lL makes me Lhlnk omlnously of Lhe
facL LhaL all chlldren, boys and glrls, sLarL ouL Lhe same. We all sLarL ouL lnnocenL, and we all sLarL ouL
LogeLher. Cnly Lhrough Lhe experlences and clrcumsLances of growlng up do we drlfL aparL, form
alleglances, and face each oLher as enemles. 1haL ls when wars happen, and LhaL ls when Lhe Lrue
naLure of humanlLy rlses Lo Lhe surface. AL Lhls sLage of my llfe, of course, my war hadn'L sLarLed yeL,
and lL wouldn'L sLarL for a long Llme. l was en[oylng my llfe wlLhouL a care ln Lhe world, noL knowlng LhaL
all of my [oy ls desLlned Lo Lurn Lo dusL.

My klndergarLen year aL larm School was fllled wlLh exclLlng, new experlences, all healLhy for a
growlng boy. l had frlends, l had playdaLes, l soclallzed wlLh Lhe oLher boys aL school, desplLe geLLlng
lnLo loLs of confllcLs wlLh !oey. l only goL lnLo Lrouble once, over a quarrel wlLh anoLher boy durlng
playLlme, and l was senL Lo Lhe prlnclpal's offlce. Pavlng never been ln such Lrouble aL school before, l
recall belng overcome wlLh nervousness and fear, whlch caused me Lo cry for an hour. l especlally
en[oyed our arLs and crafLs Llme, and l loved lL when our class would go on vlslLs Lo Lhe school's farm.
AfLer a brlghL and [oyous school year, lL was Llme Lo graduaLe. l was swelled wlLh prlde as l wore my
graduaLlon cap aL Lhe ceremony. l loved LhaL school very much, and l was sad Lo leave lL. klndergarLen
was over, and soon enough l would enLer elemenLary school.
My 6
Lh
blrLhday soon followed. My parenLs arranged a ulsney-Lhemed parLy aL a play cenLer LhaL my
moLher had been Laklng me Lo frequenLly. l lnvlLed everyone from my larm School class, all Lhe boys
and Lhe glrls, excepL for !oey. l dellberaLely omlLLed !oey as an acL of revenge for belng mean Lo me
LhroughouL Lhe year, and l felL a sense of saLlsfacLlon ln dolng so.
1he parLy was cheerful, and Lhere was a man dressed as Merlln Lo hosL Lhe fesLlvlLles. l saL aL Lhe end
of Lhe Lable durlng my blrLhday meal, wearlng a wlzard haL. As my cake was presenLed Lo me, l felL only
elaLlon and glee as l Look ln a breaLh and blew ouL my candles. Llfe was good.

F G);-' <.*

My favorlLe parL of Lhe day durlng Lhls [ubllanL perlod of my llfe was our afLernoon Lrlps Lo Lhe park.
Speclflcally, Serranla ark. 1hls park was beauLlful and green, wlLh concreLe paLhways cuLLlng Lhrough
flelds of grass and a fun playground for us klds Lo play ln. l always Look Lo playlng on Lhe slldes, and
someLlmes l would go on Lhe swlng, Lhough my faLher had Lo push me. l remember geLLlng [ealous of
oLher boys who were able Lo swlng by Lhemselves, boys who were even younger Lhan myself. lL was Lhe
second Llme l reallzed my lack of physlcal capablllLy. 1he flrsL Llme l had such an lnkllng of my
shorLcomlngs were Lhose dlsasLrous fooLball sesslons aL uorseLL Pouse.
LvenLually, my faLher goL around Lo Leachlng me how Lo swlng by myself, and afLer some pracLlce, l
was able Lo do lL. AfLer LhaL, l would always soar up and down on LhaL swlng ln Lhe Serranla park
playground well lnLo Lhe hour of LwlllghL.

l was very small and shorL sLaLured for my age. l never gave Lhls much concern durlng my early
chlldhood, buL Lhls facL fully dawned on me Lhe day my famlly Look a Lrlp Lo unlversal SLudlos. AL Lhe
Llme, l loved dlnosaurs. l was fasclnaLed by Lhem. l had [usL recenLly waLched Lhe movle !urasslc ark,
and when l found ouL LhaL Lhere was a !urasslc ark Lhemed rlde aL unlversal SLudlos, l couldn'L walL Lo
go on lL. We queued up ln Lhe llne and walLed for an hour. When reached Lhe fronL, Lhe park sLaff
presenLed me wlLh a measurlng sLlck, and l dldn'L flL Lhe requlremenLs. l saw oLher boys my age
admlLLed onLo Lhe rlde, buL l was denled because l was Loo shorL! 1he rlde LhaL l was so exclLed Lo en[oy
aL Lhe Lheme park was forbldden Lo me. l lmmedlaLely fell lnLo a crylng LanLrum, and my moLher had Lo
comforL me.
8elng denled enLry on a slmple amusemenL park rlde due Lo my helghL may seem llke only a small
ln[usLlce, buL lL was blg for me aL Llme. LlLLle dld l know, Lhls ln[usLlce was very small lndeed compared Lo
all Lhe Lhlngs l'll be denled ln Lhe fuLure because of my helghL.
We resorLed Lo Lrylng ouL Lhe L.1. rlde, whlch l was admlLLed Lo. l had a mlserable Llme on Lhls rlde,
however, because Lhe dark aLmosphere and Lhe mechanlcally movlng allen sLaLues LhaL llned Lhe
queulng area scared Lhe hell ouL of me. 8y Lhe Llme we goL Lo Lhe acLual rlde, l was crylng ln frlghL, buL
laLer calmed down as Lhe rlde Lurned ouL Lo be mlld and relaxlng Lowards Lhe end.

l always en[oyed my famlly's geL-LogeLhers wlLh Lhe Pumphreys. 1hese geL-LogeLhers became a
common occurrence ln my llfe. Maddy became a very close frlend of mlne. She was Lhe only frlend from
larm School who l conLlnued Lo see afLer l graduaLed. 1hey had a huge back yard area, and Lhe Lwo of us
would go on advenLures. She also grew up waLchlng 1he Land 8efore 1lme, and we would waLch Lhe
sequels LogeLher whenever Lhey released a new one.
SomeLlmes when l wenL Lo her house, she would have oLher female frlends Lhere, and l played wlLh
Lhem Loo. l had no Lrouble lnLeracLlng wlLh glrls aL LhaL age, surprlslngly. My slx-year-old self was playlng
wlLh glrls, unbeknownsL Lo Lhe horror and mlsery Lhe female gender would lnfllcL upon me laLer ln my
llfe. ln Lhe presenL day, Lhese glrls would LreaL me llke Lhe scum of Lhe earLh, buL aL LhaL Llme, we were
all equals. Such blLLer lrony.

lL was now Llme for me Lo sLarL llrsL Crade. My parenLs enrolled me aL Serranla Avenue LlemenLary
School, whlch was [usL down Lhe sLreeL from Serranla ark. l wouldn'L remaln aL Lhls school for long,
however, because only weeks lnLo my llrsL Crade year, my parenLs declded LhaL Lhey were golng Lo
move Lo 1opanga.
MosL of Lhe klds aL Serranla Avenue school wlll end up golng Lo 1afL Plgh School nearby, a place LhaL
wlll cause me greaL sufferlng ln Lhe fuLure. erhaps some of Lhe klds ln my class aL Serranla wlll end up
Lurnlng lnLo Lhose who would bully me aL 1afL. l don'L remember any of Lhe klds from my class Lhere, so
l wlll never know Lhe answer Lo LhaL. lL's very dlsLurblng Lo Lhlnk abouL.
l qulLe en[oyed my brlef Llme aL Serranla. My parenLs someLlmes made me sLay an hour afLer school, l
belleve Lhls was because Lhey flgured lL would help me make frlends. l can remember Lhls afLer-school
playLlme belng a poslLlve experlence. 1here were always games LhaL l played wlLh Lhe oLher klds. And
Lhus l was a blL frusLraLed when my parenLs Lold me Lhey were golng Lo Lransfer me Lo anoLher school
afLer only a couple of weeks of seLLllng lnLo Serranla. 1haL frusLraLlon would soon cease, because Lhe
years LhaL l would spend aL 1opanga LlemenLary school would be some of Lhe besL years of my llfe. 1he
lasL years of belng a carefree chlld.

l sLarLed llrsL Crade aL 1opanga LlemenLary School a couple of weeks before we prepared Lo move Lo
1opanga. 1opanga ls a secluded, mounLalnous communlLy surroundlng a canyon LhaL runs Lhrough Lhe
SanLa Monlca MounLalns, locaLed ln beLween Lhe San lernando valley and Lhe aclflc CoasL Plghway.
We had only passed Lhrough Lhls communlLy a few Llmes, when we would Lake Lrlps Lo Lhe beach. lL has
a cerLaln rugged beauLy abouL lL.
Cn my flrsL day aL 1opanga LlemenLary, l was very nervous. Slnce lL was abouL a monLh afLer Lhe flrsL
grade Lerm sLarLed, l was golng Lo be Lhe new kld" aL school. l remember Lhe nervousness Laklng over
my body as my moLher drove us up Lhe sLeep road LhaL led lnLo Lhe school proper. My new class was
[usL llnlng up Lo sLarL Lhe day as we walked onLo Lhe maln courLyard. My Leacher, Mrs. MaLsuyama, was
very nlce and undersLandlng. My moLher sald goodbye and l goL ln llne wlLh Lhe oLher sLudenLs. 1he flrsL
kld l saw Lhere was a chubby boy named 8ryce !acobs, who was sLarlng aL me sLrangely.
As we goL Lo class, Mrs. MaLsuyama asslgned one of Lhe sLudenLs Lo show me around and help me
ad[usL. 1hls sLudenL happened Lo be none oLher Lhan hlllp 8loeser. hlllp was always very maLure for
hls age, and he was nlce Lo me on my flrsL day. Pe became my flrsL frlend aL 1opanga LlemenLary.
1he day Lurned ouL Lo be one of greaL fun. Class Llme was noL Loo borlng, and we dld some fun arLs
and crafLs acLlvlLles. lor recess and lunch, Lhere were Lwo playgrounds: Lhe upper and Lhe Lower. 1he
flrsL and second graders would go Lo Lhe Lower playground, and Lhe Lhlrd, fourLh, and flfLh graders
would go Lo Lhe upper. 1he Lower playground was smaller, buL lL had some nlce amenlLles, especlally
Lhe sloplng hlll Lo Lhe slde of lL, where l would en[oy runnlng up and down klcklng dusL", a game l
lnsLanLly creaLed due Lo Lhe dusL-llke dlrL on Lhls hlll. When my moLher came Lo plck me up, l recall
havlng so much fun LhaL l dldn'L wanL Lo leave! 1haL's a flrsL. ln Lhe pasL, l was always eager Lo go home
afLer spendlng hours aL school.
1he drlve Lo and from school was a long one, or aL leasL long for my slx-year-old self. My favorlLe parL
of Lhe drlve was Lhe descenL from 1opanga lnLo Lhe valley. 1he vlew of Lhe broad expanse of Lhe valley
was breaLhLaklng as lL opened up before us afLer clearlng Lhe flnal hlll. l would make LhaL Lrlp Lhrough
Lhe wlndlng roads of 1opanga Canyon every day for Lhe nexL couple of weeks, before we moved Lo Lhe
new house. SomeLlmes my moLher would plck me up, and someLlmes my nanny would. l don'L
remember Lhe name of Lhls nanny, as she was only wlLh us for a brlef perlod of Llme.

l loved Lhe new house Lhe momenL l lald eyes on lL. lL was a beauLlful, round, wooden house locaLed
up Lhe road from valley vlew urlve, ln Lhe beLLer parL of 1opanga. lL had Lwo sLorles, a swlmmlng pool,
and a lovely deck LhaL provlded a vlew of Lhe lush mounLalns. l lnsLanLly named lL Lhe 8ound Pouse".
l was sad Lo leave our house ln Woodland Pllls, our flrsL house ln Amerlca. l would mlss Lhe good
Llmes l had Lhere, playlng wlLh Maddy and my oLher frlends, swlmmlng ln Lhe pool, Lhe close proxlmlLy
Lo Serranla ark where l spenL a loL of Llme en[oylng Lhe elaLlons of a carefree chlldhood. Cur new
8ound Pouse ln 1opanga, however, Lurned ouL Lo be a worLhy replacemenL.
My room aL Lhe 8ound Pouse was a blL smaller Lhan my old one, buL l remember lL belng very cozy.
ShorLly afLer we moved ln, Ah-Mah came Lo vlslL from Lngland, and she baked my favorlLe peanuL
cookles. We had some very happy Llmes durlng Lhe beglnnlngs of my llfe Lhere.
My faLher's new dlrecLlng career was Laklng off qulLe well Loo, and he would go away a loL Lo dlrecL
commerclals for presLlglous companles, leavlng my moLher and Lhe nanny Lo look afLer me. 1he only
downslde of Lhls was my faLher's absence from my llfe. uesplLe Lhls, l always looked up Lo hlm as a
powerful and successful man.

Ad[usLlng Lo my new envlronmenL ln 1opanga was qulLe easy for me, especlally slnce school was so
much fun. l was now a 1opanga kld. uurlng recess aL school, l sLarLed noLlclng Lhls boy wlLh sllghLly long
blonde halr who also en[oyed klcklng dusL. 8efore l meL hlm, l always menLally nlcknamed hlm Lhe klng
ArLhur kld", due Lhe regal look hls halrsLyle gave hlm. lL was only a maLLer of Llme before our dusLlng
klcklng anLlcs would colllde wlLh each oLher. We Lhen Leamed up and sLarLlng playlng Lhe game
LogeLher, and Lhls was Lhe sLarL of a long and lnLeresLlng frlendshlp. 1hls boy's name was !ames Lllls, and
he would become my besL frlend for Lhe nexL 14 years of my llfe.
SomeLlmes, Lhe Lwo of us would [oln wlLh hlllp 8loeser and some oLher boys, and play fun games
llke handball, war games, and Lag.
Soon enough, l would sLarL havlng frequenL playdaLes wlLh !ames Lllls. Pls house was [usL down Lhe
hlll from mlne. !ames's faLher was named ArLe, and hls moLher, klm, became one of my moLher's besL
frlends.

ChrlsLmas arrlved qulckly, and for my presenL l goL my flrsL vldeo game console, a nlnLendo 64! l had
llLLle knowledge of vldeo games before Lhls. l barely knew whaL Lhey were. My faLher ls Lhe one who
lnLroduced me Lo Lhem. WlLh Lhe nlnLendo 64, my faLher boughL Lhe games SLar Wars: Shadows of Lhe
Lmplre, and 1urok: ulnosaur PunLer. l was fasclnaLed wlLh Lhls new form of enLerLalnmenL, and my
faLher and l would bond a loL over our vldeo game sesslons.
Cf course, whlle playlng Lhese vldeo games, my lnnocenL, happy self knew noLhlng of Lhe slgnlflcanL
role vldeo games would play durlng a large porLlon of my llfe. and Lhe sancLuary such games would
evenLually provlde for me from Lhe cruelLles of Lhls world. lor now, Lhey were [usL a form of
enLerLalnmenL llke any oLher hobby.

Llfe was good aL Lhe round house, buL soon enough l had Lo wlLness my moLher and faLher geL lnLo a
loL of argumenLs. l was Loo young aL Lhe Llme Lo undersLand whaL Lhey were argulng abouL, buL l knew
Lhey were noL geLLlng along. lL dldn'L really concern me all Loo much, because every oLher aspecL of my
llfe was wonderful.
l had playdaLes wlLh !ames Lllls every week. SomeLlmes he would surprlse me wlLh a vlslL afLer
school, as we llved so close by. l wenL over Lo hlllp 8loeser's house a few Llmes as well, and l meL hls
younger broLher, !effrey. 1he 8loeser's also became good frlends wlLh my moLher. 1hey llved ln a nlce
house up Lhe road from our own, wlLh a deck LhaL provlded an exLraordlnary vlew of Lhe 1opanga
mounLalns.

AL some polnL l learned abouL Lhe posslblllLy LhaL parenLs can separaLe. dlvorce. no longer llve
LogeLher. 1he prospecL baffled my llLLle mlnd. l once saL down wlLh my moLher on our ouLslde deck and
asked her lf she and faLher would ever dlvorce. She Lold me lL wlll never happen, and LhaL l had noLhlng
Lo worry abouL. l was relleved by LhaL. LlLLle dld l know, such a Lhlng would happen ln only a few monLhs
Llme.

My flrsL grade year ended splendldly. l made a few lasLlng frlends, and l had a blasL aL 1opanga
LlemenLary. l always consldered myself a good, well-behaved sLudenL, so l was a blL dlsappolnLed aL Lhe
few Llmes l goL ln Lrouble. My class had a sysLem where lf we do someLhlng wrong, we would change
our card color from green Lo yellow, and Lhen Lo red lf we dld any more Lroublemaklng. l LhoughL l
would never have Lo change my card, buL l had Lo change lL Lo yellow a few Llmes for mlnor Lhlngs.
When flrsL grade ended, l made Lhe resoluLlon LhaL ln second grade l wlll never be forced Lo change my
card.
AfLer my lasL day of school, l was looklng forward Lo a long summer break, my favorlLe Llme of Lhe
year. l was a blL dlsmayed when my parenLs made me aLLend summer camp. My faLher had Lo go away a
loL for work, and my moLher needed Lo have some Llme Lo look afLer baby Ceorgla. Summer camp
wasn'L all LhaL bad, l had some fun. lL conslsLed of klds from llrsL Lhrough lourLh grade, and we played
loLs of games and waLched movles.

H G);-' <.*

My lasL memory of my parenLs belng LogeLher was my 7
Lh
blrLhday, and l would always cherlsh lL. We
dldn'L have a parLy for my sevenLh blrLhday, buL more of a small geL-LogeLher for lunch. Maddy and Lhe
Pumpreys were our only guesLs. We celebraLed lL aL CladsLones, my favorlLe resLauranL aL Lhe Llme. lL
was ln Lhe aclflc allsades, rlghL on Lhe beach. l had my favorlLe meal, lobsLer.
lL was a very happy day for all of us. l was Lurnlng seven. 1haL was a blg number for my llLLle mlnd. l
had spenL seven years on Lhls fasclnaLlng world, and my llfe was aL a good sLarL. l had lovlng parenLs, l
had frlends Lo play wlLh, l was havlng fun aL school, and l had all Lhe Loys a llLLle boy could wanL. A
sLranger would look aL Lhls seven year old boy and Lhlnk LhaL he has a greaL llfe ln fronL of hlm, LhaL
Lhere ls noLhlng Lo worry abouL. lndeed, Lhere shouldn'L be anyLhlng Lo worry abouL. 8uL l was [usL a
chlld. l sLlll had a few more years Lo en[oy llfe ln carefree bllss before l would evenLually dlscover how
LwlsLed and cruel Lhls fasclnaLlng world" really ls.
My parenLs seemed happy LhaL day. l remember Lhem laughlng and havlng a good Llme. lL would be
Lhe lasL Llme l remember Lhem belng happy LogeLher. erhaps Lhey really weren'L, perhaps Lhey were
[usL puLLlng up a fronL so LhaL l could en[oy my blrLhday. l couldn'L even faLhom Lhe posslblllLy of my
parenLs separaLlng.

very shorLly afLer my sevenLh blrLhday, Lhe news came. l belleve lL was my moLher who Lold me LhaL
she and my faLher were geLLlng a dlvorce, my moLher, who only a few monLhs before Lold me LhaL such
a Lhlng wlll never happen. l was absoluLely shocked, ouLraged, and above all, overwhelmed. 1hls was a
huge llfe-changlng evenL.
My faLher was Lo sLay aL Lhe round house, and my moLher would move Lo anoLher smaller house ln
1opanga. lL was arranged LhaL me and my slsLer wlll mosLly be llvlng wlLh our moLher, and we would go
Lo faLher's house on Lhe weekends. My faLher was requlred Lo pay chlld supporL Lo my moLher so LhaL
she can look afLer us.
My llfe would change forever afLer Lhls. 1he famlly l grew up wlLh has spllL ln half, and from Lhen on l
would grow up ln Lwo dlfferenL households. l remember crylng. All Lhe happy Llmes l spenL wlLh my
moLher and faLher as a famlly were gone, only Lo remaln ln memory. lL was a very sad day. !usL llke Lhe
move Lo Lhe u.S., lL would be llke sLarLlng a whole new llfe wlLh a new rouLlne.

uesplLe Lhe lnlLlal sadness l felL from my famlly spllLLlng ln half, my new llfe slLuaLlon wasn'L all LhaL
bad. lL was sLlll pracLlcally Lhe same llfe, Lhough l llved wlLh my moLher ln one house and my faLher ln
anoLher.
My moLher's new house was small and red ln color, locaLed up a sLeep drlveway from 1opanga
Canyon 8oulevard. l would call lL Lhe 8ed Pouse". lL was Lhe smallesL house l've llved ln aL LhaL polnL. lL
only had Lwo bedrooms, and l had Lo share a room wlLh my slsLer Ceorgla. We had a bunk-bed, and l
slepL on Lhe Lop. l was qulLe uncomforLable wlLh Lhls change aL flrsL, belng used Lo havlng my own room
and llvlng ln blgger houses. My moLher's klnd and lovlng naLure, however, made up for Lhls, and she
Lurned Lhe household lnLo a fun envlronmenL whlch l en[oyed llvlng ln.
AfLer spendlng Lhe flrsL week aL moLher's house, faLher came Lo plck me and my slsLer up for Lhe
weekend. Ceorgla had become very aLLached Lo moLher afLer Lhls week, and she bursL lnLo Lears when
we drove off. l Loo, was a blL dlsLressed aL havlng Lo go from one house Lo Lhe oLher every week, buL l
would soon geL used Lo lL.
1he 8ound Pouse was very dlfferenL wlLhouL moLher belng Lhere. When we enLered, l felL a wave of
sadness creep over me as l was remlnded of my llfe when moLher and faLher were LogeLher. 1he house
was full of memorles, happy, cheerful memorles LhaL were losL ln Lhe pasL. WlLh my moLher mlsslng
from lL, Lhere was a sense of bleakness and loss Lo Lhe place. laLher dld hls besL Lo cheer us up. l could
Lell LhaL he, Loo, was very saddened by Lhe recenL evenLs.
My faLher soon renLed one of Lhe rooms of Lhe round house Lo hls good frlend uan erelll, one of hls
flrsL frlends ln Amerlca. uan used Lo llve close Lo our house ln Woodland Pllls unLll he was sLruck wlLh
flnanclal Lroubles, whlch l'm assumlng ls why he sLarLed renLlng a room from my faLher. l would always
call hlm uncle uan". lrom Lhls polnL on, uncle uan would sLay wlLh us as a lodger for a few years.

1he Llme Lo sLarL Second Crade arrlved. My new Leacher was named Mrs. Welsberg, and she was very
klnd. 1he sLudenLs ln my class were mosLly Lhe same as my llrsL Crade class, wlLh only one or Lwo new
sLudenLs who Lransferred from oLher schools. l made a few new frlends, such as Shane and 1ommy.
l was very dlsappolnLed Lo flnd ouL LhaL !ames Lllls would noL be reLurnlng Lo 1opanga LlemenLary for
second grade. ln facL, hls famlly would be movlng ouL of 1opanga Lo Lhe aclflc allsades, where Lhey
would be renLlng a house from Lhelr frlends, Lhe Lemelson's.

My faLher's sLay aL Lhe round house was very brlef. Pe suffered some Lemporary flnanclal seLbacks on
Lop of Lhe dlvorce, so he declded Lo move Lo a smaller house on Cld 1opanga Canyon. lL was a very
abrupL move, and l would never see Lhe round house agaln. Cne day, afLer he plcked me and my slsLer
up from moLher's, he Look us Lo Lhe new house and LhaL was lL.
1he house was a small, Lwo-sLory house ln a more rusLlc parL of Lhe 1opanga mounLalns. 1he upsLalrs
porLlon had only a bedroom and baLhroom, and lL was renLed Lo uncle uan. All around Lhe ouLslde of
Lhe house were very small hllls and hlklng Lralls LhaL led up Lo Lhe mounLalns. Cverlooklng Lhese hllls was
a masslve, lmposlng rock called 8lg 8ock". When l flrsL saw 8lg 8ock, l Lold myself LhaL one day l'll cllmb
Lo Lhe Lop of lL!
l Look a llklng Lo Lhls new envlronmenL, and every Llme l vlslLed faLher on Lhe weekends, l would
always be ouLslde, explorlng and advenLurlng. 1here were always new places Lo dlscover ln LhaL
secluded reglon. l dldn'L venLure Loo far lnLo Lhe wllderness, however, because of Lhe danger of coyoLes
and mounLaln llons.

AfLer only a couple of monLhs slnce my sevenLh blrLhday, a new and very lmporLanL person would
come lnLo my llfe. AfLer faLher plcked us up from school one day and Look us Lo hls house, l saw a
woman wlLh dark halr and falr skln sLandlng ln Lhe klLchen, and she lnLroduced herself as Soumaya. She
would become my sLepmoLher. laLher Lold me she would be llvlng wlLh us from now on. AL flrsL l
LhoughL she was [usL anoLher frlend who was Lemporarlly sLaylng wlLh faLher, slmllar Lo whaL uncle uan
was dolng. My faLher havlng a glrlfrlend so shorLly afLer dlvorclng my moLher dldn'L even occur Lo me. l
couldn'L undersLand lL. Soon enough, Lhough, l reallzed LhaL Soumaya was, ln facL, hls glrlfrlend", and
Lhey were LogeLher [usL llke how my faLher and moLher were LogeLher. lL was Lhe flrsL Llme l learned Lhe
concepL of a glrlfrlend", and lL was hard Lo grasp. 8efore LhaL, l always LhoughL a man and a woman had
Lo be marrled before llvlng LogeLher ln such a manner, and LhaL lL would Lake a long Llme for such a
unlon Lo happen. laLher flndlng a new glrlfrlend ln such a shorL amounL of Llme baffled me. l was
compleLely Laken aback.
8ecause of my faLher's acqulslLlon of a new glrlfrlend, my llLLle mlnd goL Lhe lmpresslon LhaL my faLher
was a man LhaL women found aLLracLlve, as he was able Lo flnd a new glrlfrlend ln such a shorL perlod of
Llme from dlvorclng my moLher. l subconsclously held hlm ln hlgher regard because of Lhls. lL ls very
lnLeresLlng how Lhls phenomenon works. LhaL males who can easlly flnd female maLes garner
more respecL from Lhelr fellow men, even chlldren. Pow lronlc ls lL LhaL my faLher, one of Lhose men
who could easlly flnd a glrlfrlend, has a son who would sLruggle all hls llfe Lo flnd a glrlfrlend.
l soon became accusLomed Lo Soumaya belng parL of faLher's household. She halls from Lhe
Akaaboune famlly, a very promlnenL famlly from Lhe counLry of Morocco. lor Lhe lnlLlal perlod of her
belng a new member of Lhe famlly, we goL along well, and she was qulLe fun. 8uL soon she would sLarL
Lo dlsclpllne me ln a harsh way LhaL l wasn'L used Lo. l felL LhaL because she wasn'L my real parenL, she
had no rlghL Lo dlsclpllne me ln such a way, and so l rebelled. 1haL's where Lhe flrsL confllcLs arose. 1here
would be many more Lo come ln laLer years.

Along wlLh Lhe addlLlon of Soumaya, l had Lwo new nannles. 1he flrsL nanny was a lrench woman
named Cellne, Lhough she was only wlLh us for a brlef perlod, so l don'L remember much of her. My
second nanny was a Cerman woman named ChrlsLlne. ChrlsLlne would sLay wlLh us for a year, and l
became very fond of her. She would always look afLer me durlng my Llme aL faLher's house, and
whenever l wenL on my advenLures lnLo Lhe hllls, she always accompanled me.

Palloween Lhls year marked my flrsL Llme golng 1rlck-or-1reaLlng. My moLher Look me Lo my frlend
Shane's house, and we walked around hls nelghborhood collecLlng candy. SLlll obsessed wlLh dlnosaurs, l
dressed up as a dlnosaur for LhaL Palloween. 1rlck-or-1reaLlng was a new Lhlng for me, as lL wasn'L so
popular ln Lngland. When lL was all over, l was amazed LhaL l had so much candy.
Lven Lhough !ames Lllls no longer wenL Lo 1opanga LlemenLary, he was sLlll my besL frlend, and l saw
hlm a loL. MoLher would Lake us Lo hls house ln Lhe allsades almosL every week, where l would play
wlLh !ames, and Ceorgla would play wlLh !ames's slsLer Sage. Pe goL me lnLeresLed ln a new
phenomenon LhaL grlpped many chlldren of Lhe era: okemon.
When l goL my flrsL Cameboy console, l sLarLed playlng okemon 8ed verslon, and l was hooked
lnsLanLly. l Lhen sLarLed collecLlng okemon cards, and !ames and l always compared and Lraded Lhem.
1he okemon anlme carLoon became my favorlLe show on Lelevlslon. lL was a very fun, capLlvaLlng
hobby, and every boy aL my school had a folder of okemon cards. lL provlded someLhlng Lo have,
someLhlng Lo show off, someLhlng Lo Lalk abouL. 1he besL cards were Lhe shlnles", and everyone
coveLed Lhem.

MoLher was sLlll frlends wlLh Ceorge Lucas, so we goL lnvlLes Lo Lhe red carpeL premlere of SLar Wars
Lplsode 1. l always was and always wlll be a huge SLar Wars fan. l had already seen Lhe orlglnal Lrllogy
many Llmes, and l consldered myself very lucky Lo be able Lo go Lo Lhe premlere of Lhe new SLar Wars
movle.
lL was an absoluLely asLonlshlng experlence. lL was [usL me and my moLher - Ceorgla was Loo young,
so she sLayed aL home wlLh a babyslLLer. Lplsode 1 ls lnfamous for belng Lhe lesser movle of Lhe Lhree
new prequels, buL as a kld l en[oyed lL very much. AfLerwards, l meL some of Lhe acLors, and l shook Lhe
hand of !ake Lloyd, Lhe acLor who played Anakln Skywalker ln Lhe movle.

My Second Crade year flew by llke a breeze. l don'L remember much of lL, buL l dld have a blasL.
uurlng recess and lunch, l played a loL wlLh Shane and 1ommy. We would play okemon on our
Cameboys, and someLlmes we would have playdaLes where we played nlnLendo 64 games such as
8an[o kazoole, Super Marlo 64, and uonkey kong 64.
l falled ln my goal of never havlng Lo change my card, whlch really dlsappolnLed me. l wenL Lhrough
mosL of Lhe year wlLhouL changlng my card, buL rlghL when Lhe year was abouL Lo end, l was caughL
Lalklng ln class wlLh a frlend named uanny uayanl, who saL nexL Lo me, and l had Lo change my card Lo
yellow. l blamed uanny for lL, because he was always Lalklng ln class, buL l sLlll had Lo change my card.
AfLer a fasL and fanLasLlc year, summer came qulckly, and wlLh lL my 8
Lh
blrLhday. My 8
Lh
blrLhday was
mellow, buL pleasanL. l remember my moLher lnvlLlng a few of my frlends from my second grade class
and we had a cake. uurlng my weekend aL faLher's house, we all wenL Lo Lhe resLauranL 1yphoon ln
SanLa Monlca Lo celebraLe lL. lL was qulLe a fancy resLauranL nexL Lo a small alrporL, and Lhey had a loL of
exoLlc dlshes LhaL l Lrled.

I G);-' <.*

As l was now elghL-years-old, faLher declded LhaL l was old enough Lo cllmb 8lg 8ock. Whenever l was
aL faLher's house, l would always see 8lg 8ock loomlng ln Lhe dlsLance, and l was [usL lLchlng Lo cllmb lL. l
had already conquered every oLher rock ln Lhe area. Lhere was only 8lg 8ock lefL. And so l seL ouL wlLh
faLher and a few of faLher's frlends Lo flnally cllmb Lo Lhe Lop. 1he furLhesL l had cllmbed on Lhls rock
was abouL half way up wlLh ChrlsLlne. 1here was a very sLeep rlse whlch l wasn'L able Lo ascend wlLhouL
some help. 1he second half of Lhe [ourney was qulLe a challenge, buL lL was so exhllaraLlng! l was very
nervous Lhe hlgher we cllmbed. 1he besL parL, of course, was reachlng Lhe Lop, and Lhe sense of
accompllshmenL l felL. l flnally dld lL! Looklng down, l could see Lhe vasLness of Lhe Cld 1opanga Canyon
reglon, and faLher's house looked Llny down Lhere. l was Loo scared Lo venLure close Lo Lhe edge, and l
felL a sense of dread aL Lhe prospecL of falllng from such a helghL. 1he way down was even more
challenglng, buL l felL so proud of myself for cllmblng LhaL rock LhaL lL wasn'L as scary as l LhoughL lL
would be.

l was very exclLed Lo sLarL 1hlrd Crade. As 1hlrd Craders, we now goL Lo play ln Lhe upper layground
of 1opanga LlemenLary, and l consldered myself one of Lhe blg klds". 1he upper was vasL, wlLh a blgger
playground, more handball courLs, and four baskeLball courLs. My classroom was locaLed ln a bungalow
ad[acenL Lo Lhe upper, and my Leacher was named Mrs. 8unLln. She was a young Leacher, l belleve she
was ln her laLe 20's. 8elng used Lo havlng very old Leachers, l was surprlsed aL how young my new
Leacher appeared.
l conLlnued Lo play wlLh Lhe same frlends durlng recess and lunch, where we would spend our Llme
comparlng and Lradlng okemon cards. ln Lhe mldsL of elemenLary school, l dldn'L lnLeracL wlLh glrls
much, buL Lhls was normal. l was aL LhaL perlod of llfe where Lhe boys played wlLh Lhe boys and Lhe glrls
played wlLh Lhe glrls, compleLely separaLe from each oLher. Clrls were Lhe lasL Lhlng on my mlnd. Maddy
was sLlll Lhe only frlend l had who was a glrl, and l only saw her on Lhe occaslons when our famllles
would have a geL-LogeLher, whlch became more and more rare afLer Maddy's parenLs dlvorced and aul
Pumpreys moved back Lo Lngland.
lL was as lf Lhe glrls ln elemenLary school were parL of a separaLe reallLy. uesplLe noL havlng much
lnLeracLlon wlLh Lhem, Lhey LreaLed me cordlally, as Lhey LreaLed all oLher boys of my age. 1hls was falr,
and l was conLenL wlLh Lhls. l hadn'L gone Lhrough puberLy yeL, and so l had no deslre for female
valldaLlon. My elghL-year-old self had no lnkllng of Lhe paln and mlsery glrls would cause me once
puberLy would lnevlLably arrlve and my sexual deslres for glrls would develop. Sexual deslres LhaL would
be mercllessly spurned. Some of Lhe boys ln my class would grow up Lo be embraced by glrls, whlle l
would grow up Lo be re[ecLed by Lhem. 8uL aL LhaL momenL ln Llme, we were [usL lnnocenL chlldren
growlng up LogeLher. All lnnocence ls desLlned Lo be shaLLered and replaced wlLh blLLer bruLallLy.
l was llvlng ln lgnoranL, lnnocenL bllss. !"# % &'( )'**+ &,-) ,-.

1hls perlod of my llfe, aslde from my early chlldhood ln Lngland, was one of Lhe besL perlods. Llfe was
falr and llfe was saLlsfylng. As klds, provlng our self-worLh and galnlng valldaLlon among our peers was
achleved ln a falr manner, by how good we were aL Lhe games we played, or how blg our collecLlon of
okemon cards were. no one had unfalr advanLages. 1hls was perfecL, and Lhls ls how llfe should be.
And. boy dld l have a loL of fun. !ames's famlly had Lo move Lo yeL anoLher house ln Lhe allsades,
and moLher would always Lake us Lhere. She became greaL frlends wlLh !ames's parenLs klm and ArLe.
!ames and l would baLLle on our Cameboys, Lrade okemon cards, and walk Lo Lhe recreaLlon cenLer
down Lhe sLreeL Lo play ln Lhe pool, and Lhen for dlnner we would all go Lo Lhe resLauranL MoLL's ln Lhe
cenLer of Lhe allsades.
l was qulLe proud of my collecLlon of okemon cards. l had galned a few shlnles" over Lhe lasL few
monLhs, and l en[oyed showlng Lhem off Lo oLher boys. Shlny cards came randomly ln card packeLs our
parenLs would buy for us. 1he card LhaL l coveLed Lhe mosL was Lhe Charlzard card, and one mornlng
when my moLher opened a packeL for me and l looked Lhrough Lhe new cards. Lhere lL was. lL felL llke
Lhe besL day ever, and l was swelled wlLh exclLemenL. l [umped up and down all around Lhe 8ed Pouse,
and l couldn'L walL Lo show lL Lo !ames, who already had a Charlzard hlmself.
1hrough belng frlends wlLh !ames Lllls and golng Lo hls house a loL, we became acqualnLed wlLh Lhe
Lemelson famlly, who were famlly frlends of klm and ArLe. 1he Lemelson famlly ls a very wealLhy famlly
who has been flnanclally helplng !ames's famlly for a whlle. 8ob Lemelson ls Lhe son of !erome
Lemelson, Lhe lnvenLor of Lhe bar code, and hls neL worLh ls ln Lhe hundred-mllllons. 8ob's son, noah, ls
our age and greaL frlends wlLh !ames, and evenLually l became frlends wlLh hlm Loo, Lhough we would
never be close frlends. SomeLlmes we would all go Lo Lhe Lemelson's house, also ln Lhe allsades, and
Lhe Lhree of us played LogeLher.
lor Palloween, we wenL Lo Lhe Lemelson's for 1rlck-or-1reaLlng, and from Lhen on lL would become
LradlLlon Lo go 1rlck-or-1reaLlng wlLh Lhem. l dressed up llke a dlnosaur agaln, because l couldn'L Lhlnk of
anyLhlng else Lo be. l wanLed Lo dress up as Ash keLchum from okemon, buL no sLore had LhaL cosLume
ln sLock. 1he allsades was full of wealLhy famllles, so Lhe candy Lhey gave us would be ln much larger
amounLs, obvlously. l remember compeLlng wlLh !ames and noah as Lo who would geL Lhe mosL candy
aL Lhe end. AfLerwards, we would have dlnner aL 8ob's house, and Lhen we would dump our candy ln
plles on Lhe floor Lo examlne whaL we goL. 1haL was my favorlLe parL of lL.

Larly ln my 1hlrd Crade year, my moLher would ofLen Lake us Lo a fesLlval near 1opanga Canyon
8oulevard, where small concerLs were held and people barbequed greaL food. A frlend of hers had
someLhlng Lo do wlLh Lhese evenLs, and l played wlLh Lhe son of Lhls frlend. Pe was named 8lley Anapol,
and he was Lwo years younger Lhan me. A llrsL Crader. l played wlLh some oLher younger klds Lhere as
well, peers of 8lley, and l had a good Llme. 8lley became a common frlend for a whlle. 1he slgnlflcance
of Lhls ls LhaL 8lley Anapol would evenLually become someone l would harbor a greaL haLred for. 8lley
would grow up Lo geL loLs of glrls, and l would grow up Lo be re[ecLed by glrls. 8uL back Lhen he was a
frlend, a peer, and we were playlng LogeLher as equals. lL's funny how Lhe world works.

When Lhe holldays arrlved, my faLher announced LhaL we were golng Lo Lake a famlly vacaLlon Lo
Soumaya's home counLry of Morocco and meeL her famlly Lhere, and afLerwards we were Lo sLop by ln
Lngland. l wasn'L exclLed abouL Morocco, slnce l dldn'L know much abouL lL excepL LhaL lL was ln norLh
Afrlca, and l wasn'L Loo exclLed abouL Lhe facL LhaL we'll be sLaylng Lhere for slx weeks elLher, whlch
meanL LhaL my enLlre wlnLer break would be spenL ln a forelgn counLry LhaL l knew noLhlng abouL.
8uL of course, l had no cholce ln Lhe maLLer, and Morocco was added Lo Lhe llsL of Lhe many counLrles
l've been Lo aL such a young age. l looked forward Lo vlslLlng Lngland afLerwards and seelng famlly Lhere.
Morocco was very sLrange and forelgn Lo me, even more so Lhan Malaysla, whlch was more
wesLernlzed. l found lL Lo be very backwards, Lhough lL had a loL of culLure and Lhe people were frlendly.
l remember dlsllklng a loL of Lhe meals, buL en[oylng Lhe deserLs and pasLrles. Soumaya's parenLs were
dlvorced, Lhough Lhey llved walklng dlsLance from each oLher ln Lhe kasbah, a hlsLorlc communlLy
locaLed ln Lhe cenLer of 1angler. Soumaya's moLher, khadl[a, has a small buL eleganL house, and her
faLher, Abdesalem, has a very large, almosL casLle-llke house LhaL ls famous for belng a locaLlon where a
scene from !ames 8ond: 1he Llvlng uayllghLs was shoL. 1hls fasclnaLed me, as l was a huge !ames 8ond
fan aL Lhe Llme. ln Lhe cenLer of Lhls house Lhere was an open courLyard where l always played wlLh a kld
named Ayman, and hls Lwo younger broLhers. 1hey were adopLed by Soumaya's faLher a few years ago
and llve wlLh hlm.
AfLer a long sLay ln Morocco - Loo long ln my oplnlon - we made our sLop ln Lngland Lo vlslL relaLlves.
We sLayed aL grandma !lnx's house, and l was able Lo play wlLh my cousln Ceorge for a few days. Cn one
of Lhe days we sLayed ln Lngland, my moLher's slsLer, AunL Mln, and my grandma Ah Mah came Lo vlslL
and broughL me a loL of Lngllsh chocolaLes whlch l rellshed.
All ln all, lL was a good Lrlp and l was glad Lo be able Lo experlence lL, Lhough Lhe lengLh of Lhe Lrlp cuL
lnLo my school schedule, and l mlssed a couple of weeks of school.

AfLer Lhe hollday season, my nanny ChrlsLlne had Lo leave back Lo Cermany, and Lhls saddened me
deeply. ChlsLlne would always be my favorlLe nanny, and l was ln a sullen mood on Lhe day she lefL.

1he remalnder of my 1hlrd Crade year wenL by qulckly. l conLlnued my okemon endeavors,
lncreaslng my card collecLlon and progresslng on Lhe Cameboy game.
l had a confllcL wlLh my frlend Shane durlng Lhls Llme. 8ecause of some argumenLs we prevlously had,
l sLarLed Lo play a game wlLh hlm ln whlch he would become my enemy and rlval aL Lhe school. lor me, l
was [usL playlng wlLh hlm, buL he Look lL serlously and Lhe confllcL escalaLed a loL more Lhan l LhoughL lL
would. We once goL lnLo a small physlcal flghL ln whlch l hlL hlm on Lhe arm and was senL Lo Lhe
prlnclpal's offlce. 1haL was Lhe blggesL Lrouble l've been ln aL 1opanga LlemenLary. 1hls llLLle confllcL
wlLh Shane lasLed for Lhe resL of 1hlrd Crade, buL we would laLer reconclle and play agaln as frlends ln
lourLh Crade.

8efore summer came, my faLher's sponLaneous career as a commerclal ulrecLor Look off once agaln,
and he became very successful. AL Lhls polnL, he was probably Lhe mosL successful he's ever been. WlLh
Lhls success, he declded Lo move Lo a blgger and beLLer house. AfLer dolng some searchlng, we moved Lo
a house ln an upscale area of WesL Pllls, near Woodland Pllls. l loved Lhls house aL flrsL slghL. lL had flve
bedrooms, whlch was more Lhan enough space for our famlly along wlLh uncle uan who was sLlll sLaylng
wlLh us. lL also had a huge swlmmlng pool wlLh a spa, a large grass fleld Lo play ln, a baskeLball courL,
and a nlce vlew of Lhe valley. l was a valley kld agaln.
uesplLe faLher's move Lo a much larger house and all Lhe beneflLs LhaL came wlLh lL, l sLlll preferred
my Llme aL moLher's house, [usL because of her genLle and fun aLLlLude and Lhe energy of her household.
My moLher lndulged ln me more Lhan my faLher and Soumaya ever dld. She knew whaL l llked and whaL
l dldn'L llke, and she would go ouL of her way Lo make my llfe pleasanL and en[oyable. l was qulLe
annoyed wlLh Lhe recenL declslon beLween my moLher and faLher Lo exLend my sLay aL faLher's by Lwo
days of Lhe week. lrom LhaL polnL on, me and my slsLer would only be aL moLher's house from Monday
Lo 1hursday, and on 1hursday nlghL we would go Lo faLher's house unLll Lhe followlng Monday.

My 9
Lh
8lrLhday was spenL aL faLher's house, and faLher and Soumaya Lhrew a parLy for me. 1hey
lnvlLed a few of my frlends from 1opanga LlemenLary, Lhough Lhe only frlend l remember belng Lhere
was hlllp and hls younger broLher !effrey. !ames was lnvlLed, buL he wasn'L able Lo make lL. 1hey also
lnvlLed a few of Ceorgla's frlends, whlch really annoyed me, slnce lL was my blrLhday, and noL Ceorgla's.
lL was qulLe an evenLful parLy, and lL Look place ln our backyard. My faLher hlred a maglclan Lo perform
Lrlcks for everyone.

E G);-' <.*

My nlnLh year was very lnLeresLlng, and l wenL Lhrough a loL of changes emoLlonally and
lnLellecLually. lL was Lhe year ln whlch l maLured Lo a polnL where l would sLarL observlng Lhe world
more consclenLlously. 8efore l Lurned nlne, l was llvlng llfe as a carefree chlld ln a world LhaL l LhoughL
was only good and pure. lrom Lhls polnL onwards, l would gradually dlscover more abouL Lhe world and
socleLy. l would face problems and frusLraLlons LhaL l wouldn'L even Lhlnk abouL before. My llfe would
sLlll be poslLlve and brlghL, however, and l would llve lL Lo lLs fullesL.

1he flrsL frusLraLlon of Lhe year, whlch would remaln for Lhe resL of my llfe, was Lhe facL LhaL l was
very shorL for my age. As lourLh Crade sLarLed, lL fully dawned on me LhaL l was Lhe shorLesL kld ln my
class - even Lhe glrls were Laller Lhan me. ln Lhe pasL, l rarely gave a LhoughL Lo lL, buL aL Lhls sLage l
became exLremely annoyed aL how everyone was Laller Lhan me, and how Lhe LallesL boys were
auLomaLlcally respecLed more. lL lnsLllled Lhe flrsL feellngs of lnferlorlLy ln me, and such feellngs would
only grow more volaLlle wlLh Llme.
l desperaLely wanLed Lo geL Laller, and l read LhaL playlng baskeLball lncreases helghL. 1hls sparked my
brlef lnLeresL ln baskeLball, and l would play lL all Lhe Llme durlng recess and lunch ln Lhe upper. MosL of
Lhe baskeLball courLs were unused, so l would play lL by myself, or wlLh anyone who cared Lo [oln me.
uurlng my Llme aL faLher's, l would spend hours playlng baskeLball aL faLher's baskeLball courL, shooLlng
hoop afLer hoop long lnLo Lhe evenlng, and l also remember lylng on Lhe ground ln Lhe baskeLball courL
Lrylng Lo sLreLch my body as much as l could ln beLween baskeLball sesslons.
When l played baskeLball aL school, some boys would [oln me, and when Lhey dld l saw LhaL Lhey
were much beLLer aL Lhe sporL Lhan me. l envled Lhelr ablllLy Lo Lhrow Lhe ball aL double Lhe dlsLance
Lhan l could. 1hls made me reallze LhaL along wlLh belng shorL, l was physlcally weak compared Lo oLher
boys my age. Lven boys younger Lhan me were sLronger. 1hls vexed me Lo no end.

My fourLh grade classroom was locaLed ln Lhe cenLer area of Lhe school, and my Leacher was named
Mrs. Clll, who had an asslsLanL named Mr. uevlne. lourLh grade was a sLrange year due Lo Lhe emoLlonal
problems l would go Lhrough, and l dldn'L have as much fun aL school as l dld ln prevlous years. ln class, l
saL near keaLon Webber, and l goL lnLo a few confllcLs wlLh hlm. We weren'L qulLe enemles, buL l
dlsllked hlm lnLensely and l would always conslder hlm a foul prlck.

8y naLure, l am a very [ealous person, and aL Lhe age of nlne my [ealous naLure sprung Lo Lhe surface.
uurlng playdaLes wlLh !ames, someLlmes he would have oLher frlends over as well, and l would feel very
[ealous and upseL when he pald more aLLenLlon Lo Lhem. leellng lefL ouL, l would flnd a quleL corner and
sLarL crylng. My moLher and klm were very undersLandlng, and dld Lhe besL Lhey could Lo console me.
Cn Lhe rare occurrence LhaL my moLher would have Maddy and Mo over for dlnner, or lf we would go
Lo vlslL Lhem aL Lhelr house, Maddy ofLen played wlLh my llLLle slsLer Ceorgla lnsLead of me, and Lhls Loo
made me [ealous. l remember all Lhe Llmes l crled when Lhls happened.
!ealousy and envy. Lhose are Lwo feellngs LhaL would domlnaLe my enLlre llfe and brlng me lmmense
paln. 1he feellngs of [ealousy l felL aL nlne-years-old were frusLraLlng, buL Lhey were noLhlng compared
Lo how l would feel once l hlL puberLy and have Lo waLch glrls chooslng oLher boys over me. Any
problem l had aL nlne-years-old was nlrvana compared Lo whaL l was doomed Lo face.

A few monLhs lnLo fourLh grade, lL was declded by my parenLs Lo change me and my slsLer's llvlng
arrangemenL yeL agaln. 1hls Llme, we would be swlLchlng beLween moLher's house and faLher's house
each week. Cne week would be spenL aL moLher's, and Lhe nexL aL faLher's. 1hls was a falr spllL. AL flrsL l
wasn'L so sure abouL lL, because l always dlsllked any change Lo my llfe, buL l found lL Lo be a beLLer
arrangemenL. 1hls enabled me Lo spend weekends aL moLher's house, durlng her week, and l was very
exclLed abouL Lhls. l've only ever spenL weekends aL faLher's beforehand.
uurlng faLher's week, l would mosLly be looked afLer by our Lwo new nannles, 8osa and Amparro.
1hey were of SouLh Amerlcan orlgln and dldn'L speak much Lngllsh, buL Lhey were very klnd.
l sLarLed Lo have lnLense confllcLs wlLh Soumaya. l haLed Lhe rules she lmposed on me, whlch l
belleved she had no rlghL Lo lmpose, as she wasn'L my Lrue parenL. l haLed how she would force me Lo
drlnk mllk every mornlng and very foul-LasLlng soup for dlnner. l made such a fuss abouL havlng Lhe soup
LhaL she used lL as a punlshmenL. Whenever l dld someLhlng wrong, she would force me Lo drlnk Lhe
soup. l once had a playdaLe wlLh hlllp aL faLher's house, and when l yelled aL my slsLer because she was
annoylng us, Soumaya punlshed me by sendlng me Lo my room for an hour, embarrasslng me ln fronL of
hlllp. AfLer Lhls lncldenL, l never had a playdaLe aL faLher's house ever agaln.
1hls confllcL wlLh Soumaya sLarLed a Lrend ln whlch l would love belng aL moLher's house and dread
Lhe weeks l had Lo spend aL faLher's house. Cn Lop of Lhe confllcLs wlLh Soumaya, faLher was rarely
Lhere, as he was always ouL of Lown for hls work. AfLer spendlng a nlce week aL moLher's house, l would
cry when Sunday came and l had Lo go Lo faLher's on Monday. l would Lhen spend Lhe enLlre week aL
faLher's house looklng forward Lo golng back Lo my moLher's. l remember Lhose Mondays when my
moLher dropped me off aL school for Lhe flrsL day of faLher's week. l felL so sad LhaL l crled when l saw
my moLher's car drlvlng away. Cf course, l would hlde Lhe Lears Lo avold embarrassmenL aL school, buL l
would feel mlserable for LhaL whole day.

l always had a pleasanL experlence durlng moLher's week. She always arranged playdaLes for me,
because she knew l was Loo shy Lo lnlLlaLe Lhem myself. She always made everyLhlng fun. Cn weekends
afLer dlnner, we would have LreaL Llme", where she would brlng ouL a box of candles for me and my
slsLer Lo choose from.
l had a loL of playdaLes wlLh hlllp, and Lhrough hlllp l also played wlLh hls broLher !effrey, who was
Lwo years younger Lhan us. Whlle hlllp was calm and maLure, !effrey was Lhe compleLe opposlLe.
!effrey 8loeser was wlld and bolsLerous, whlch ofLen broughL a loL of fun Lo my playdaLes wlLh hlllp.
My moLher once had a parLy aL her house and lnvlLed all of our famlly frlends. !ames Lllls came over,
and so dld hlllp and !effrey. lL was Lhe flrsL Llme l saw all of Lhem LogeLher, and lL made for an
lnLeresLlng experlence. l goL a blL [ealous, however, when hlllp and !effrey seemed Lo respecL and pay
more aLLenLlon Lo !ames Lhan Lhey dld Lo me. When we were playlng on my nlnLendo 64 and l was
compeLlng agalnsL !ames, Lhey rooLed for !ames, whlch really upseL me.

As my fourLh grade year approached lLs end, my llLLle nlne-year-old self had anoLher revelaLlon abouL
how Lhe world works. l reallzed LhaL Lhere were hlerarchles, LhaL some people were beLLer Lhan oLhers.
Cf course l was subconsclously aware of Lhls ln Lhe pasL, buL lL was aL Lhls Llme of my llfe - aL nlne years
old - LhaL l sLarLed Lo glve lL a loL of LhoughL and lmporLance.
l sLarLed Lo see Lhls aL school. AL school, Lhere were always Lhe cool klds" who seemed Lo be more
admlrable Lhan everyone else. 1he way Lhey looked, dressed, and acLed made Lhem. cooler. 1hese
cool klds" as l called Lhem, lncluded keaLon Webber, MaLL 8ordler, Mlchael 8ay, 1revor 8ourgeL,
Zalman kaLz, !ohn !o Clen, and a few more. 1hey were cool, Lhey were popular, and Lhey always seemed
llke Lhey were havlng a good Llme.
1he peaceful and lnnocenL envlronmenL of chlldhood where everyone had an equal fooLlng was all
over. 1he Llme of falr play was aL lLs end. Llfe ls a compeLlLlon and a sLruggle, and l was slowly sLarLlng Lo
reallze lL.
When l became aware of Lhls common soclal sLrucLure aL my school, l also sLarLed Lo examlne myself
and compare myself Lo Lhese cool klds". l reallzed, wlLh some horror, LhaL l wasn'L cool" aL all. l had a
dorky halrsLyle, l wore plaln and uncool cloLhlng, and l was shy and unpopular. l was always descrlbed as
Lhe shy boy ln Lhe pasL, buL l never really LhoughL my shyness would affecL me ln a negaLlve way, unLll
Lhls polnL.
1hls revelaLlon abouL Lhe world, and abouL myself, really decreased my self-esLeem. Cn Lop of Lhls
was Lhe feellng LhaL l was dlfferenL because l am of mlxed race. l am half WhlLe, half Aslan, and Lhls
made me dlfferenL from Lhe normal fully-whlLe klds LhaL l was Lrylng Lo flL ln wlLh.
l envled Lhe cool klds, and l wanLed Lo be one of Lhem. l was a blL frusLraLed aL my parenLs for noL
shaplng me lnLo one of Lhese klds ln Lhe pasL. 1hey never made an efforL Lo dress me ln sLyllsh cloLhlng
or geL me a good-looklng halrcuL. l had Lo make every efforL Lo recLlfy Lhls. l had Lo adapL.
My flrsL acL was Lo ask my parenLs Lo allow me Lo bleach my halr blonde. l always envled and admlred
blonde-halred people, Lhey always seemed so much more beauLlful. My parenLs agreed Lo leL me do lL,
and faLher Look me Lo a halr salon on Mulholland urlve ln Woodland Pllls. Chooslng LhaL halr salon was a
bad declslon, for Lhey only bleached Lhe Lop of my head blonde. When l lndlgnanLly quesLloned why
Lhey dldn'L make all of my halr blonde, Lhey sald LhaL l was Loo young for a full bleachlng. l was furlous. l
LhoughL l looked so sllly wlLh blonde halr aL Lhe Lop of my head and black halr aL Lhe sldes and back. l
dreaded golng Lo school Lhe nexL day wlLh Lhls welrd new halr.
When l arrlved aL school Lhe nexL day, l was lnLensely nervous. 8efore class sLarLed, l sLood ln a
corner franLlcly Lrylng Lo flgure ouL how l would go abouL reveallng Lhls Lo everyone. 1revor was Lhe flrsL
one Lo noLlce lL, and he came up Lo me and paLLed my head, saylng LhaL lL was very cool". Well, LhaL
was exacLly whaL l wanLed. My new halr Lurned ouL Lo be qulLe a specLacle, and for a few days l goL a
hlnL of Lhe aLLenLlon and admlraLlon l so craved.

My lnLeresL ln okemon faded away aL Lhls Llme. ln Lhlrd grade, okemon was consldered cool" and
everyone was playlng lL. 1owards Lhe end of fourLh grade, l found ouL LhaL everyone was growlng ouL of
okemon, and Lhe only ones who played lL were Lhe geeky klds. l heard some klds [oklng abouL how
lame okemon players were, and l declded lL was Llme Lo qulL.
l Lalked Lo !ames abouL Lhls. Pe was sLlll lnLeresLed ln okemon, so l gave hlm my Charlzard card as a
glfL, and as an acL of my reslgnaLlon from Lhe game. okemon gave me some really happy and
memorable experlences, buL lL was Llme Lo move on.

l Lhen sLarLed Lo noLlce LhaL all of Lhe cool klds were lnLeresLed ln skaLeboardlng. l had never even
rldden on a skaLeboard before, buL lf l wanLed Lo be cool, l had Lo become a skaLeboarder. l expressed
Lhls Lo my parenLs, and my faLher was glad LhaL l was showlng an lnLeresL ln an acLlve sporL. Pe Look me
Lo Lhe sLore val Surf on venLura 8oulevard Lo buy me a new skaLeboard, and l was fasclnaLed by all of
Lhe dlfferenL cholces. l seLLled for a red val Surf branded SkaLeboard, and Lhey Look lL down from Lhe
wall and bullL lL for me.
l was Lhrllled Lo have Lhls new skaLeboard and Lhe posslble chance lL gave me Lo be a cool kld. lL was
Llme Lo sLarL pracLlclng. l found lL very hard Lo even rlde on lL ln Lhe beglnnlng, and l spenL many hours
ouLslde Lrylng Lo geL Lhe hang of lL. And LhaL was LhaL, l was now a skaLeboarder, Lhough noL yeL good
enough Lo reveal myself as one Lo Lhe klds aL school. 1hls was Lhe sLarL of an obsesslon Lo copy
everyLhlng Lhe supposed cool klds" were dolng.

:;-( J
$/) K;'( :)-&,* ,1 L,7()7(D)7(
=4) E?MJ

lourLh grade ended, and once Lhe summer sLarLed, l Look a vow Lo mold myself lnLo Lhe coolesL kld l
could posslbly be by Lhe Llme llfLh grade began. l anLlclpaLed Lhe approval Lhe oLher cool klds would
have of me once l reveal myself as belng slmllar Lo Lhem, and l looked forward Lo lL.

AfLer abouL a year and a half of llvlng ln Lhe house on PaLLeras SL. ln upper WesL Pllls, my faLher
declded Lo move lnLo an even beLLer house. 1hls Llme, all of us spenL a day looklng aL open houses
LogeLher as a famlly. We wenL wlLh a real esLaLe agenL and examlned some beauLlful homes around
Woodland Pllls. My favorlLe one was a 3-sLory house on Llano urlve, ln Lhe Woodland Pllls PelghLs, Lhe
mosL presLlglous area of Woodland Pllls LhaL bordered Calabasas. lL dldn'L have a pool, buL lL had a
sloplng backyard almosL Lhree-Llmes as large as our currenL one. 1he house had slx bedrooms, and l Look
an lnLense llklng Lo one parLlcular bedroom LhaL had lLs own baLhroom and a personal balcony. My
faLher showed exLreme enLhuslasm abouL posslbly buylng Lhls house, and l became obsessed wlLh
geLLlng LhaL parLlcular bedroom as my own room. When l broughL lL up wlLh faLher and Soumaya, Lhey
sald LhaL Lhe room would mosL llkely be Ceorgla's because lL was closer Lo Lhe masLer bedroom. 1hey
sald LhaL l would geL a bedroom downsLalrs, one wlLhouL my own baLhroom or balcony. l was furlous,
and l Lhrew a huge crylng LanLrum.
Soon enough, faLher wenL ahead wlLh Lhe declslon Lo buy Lhls house. l made a blg deal abouL Lhe
posslblllLy of noL geLLlng LhaL lovely bedroom l wanLed, and l kepL sulklng Lo faLher and Soumaya abouL
lL. When Lhey flnally moved and Lhe flrsL week of faLher's aL Lhls new house sLarLed, l was very anxlous.
8uL Lhen, as we enLered, faLher and Soumaya surprlsed me and revealed LhaL Lhey declded Lo glve me
Lhe room l wanLed. l was so happy! l danced and leaped wlLh [oy all over Lhe house, and Lhen l wenL Lo
my new balcony and looked ouL aL Lhe beauLlful vlew of Woodland Pllls for an hour.
AfLer Lhe move Lo Lhls new house, faLher would never move agaln, and he sLlll llves Lhere Lo Lhls very
day. l would have many lmporLanL experlences Lhere for Lhe nexL decade, boLh good and Lerrlble.

l needed a skaLeboard for moLher's house Loo, and so my moLher Look me Lo val Surf and boughL me
a gray val Surf skaLeboard. l would use Lhls skaLeboard much more Lhan Lhe red skaLeboard l had aL
faLher's house, slnce l had all of my playdaLes durlng moLher's week, and moLher would make more of
an efforL Lo lndulge ln my new lnLeresL, evenLually Laklng me Lo skaLeparks every weekend.

l became very exclLed abouL my new hobby, and l shared lL wlLh !ames Lllls and hlllp 8loeser, my
Lwo maln frlends. l wanLed Lo geL Lhem lnLeresLed ln skaLeboardlng as well. lL was Lrlcky Lo geL !ames
lnLo lL, buL he soon goL hls own skaLeboard, and we would sLarL skaLeboardlng LogeLher around hls
nelghborhood.

As l now consldered myself a skaLeboarder, l wanLed Lo dress ln Lhe cloLhes LhaL all Lhe cool
skaLeboarders were wearlng. My moLher Look me Lo val Surf once agaln, Lhls Llme Lo shop for new
shlrLs. l plcked ouL a few LhaL had Lhe logos of skaLeboard companles on Lhem. LaLer LhaL day l puL on
one of my new shlrLs, and l was Lhrllled Lo sLarL golng around ln lL. l felL cool.

AL faLher's house, l was lnLroduced Lo a new nanny who would be llvlng wlLh us. 8osa and Amparro
lefL back Lo Lhelr home counLrles a few monLhs before we moved house. 1hls new nanny was an Afrlcan
Amerlcan woman named 1racy. She had a very fun personallLy, and l always had a pleasanL Llme when
she looked afLer us. She was able Lo drlve, unllke my prevlous nannles, and so she would be Lhe one who
would always plck me up from school durlng faLher's week from LhaL polnL on.
uncle uan had a quarrel wlLh my faLher, and he was forced Lo move ouL. l would never see hlm agaln
afLer LhaL. 1racy would, ln a way, replace uncle uan as Lhe lodger who would llve aL faLher's house.

Larly ln Lhe summer, faLher forced me Lo aLLend summer camp aL an elemenLary school nearby our
new house. 1hls school was 8ay Laurel LlemenLary School ln Calabasas. l haLed Lhe prospecL, and l
vehemenLly proLesLed lL. 1he lasL Lhlng l wanLed Lo do was spend my coveLed summer aL a school where
l dldn'L know anyone.
l was sLarLlng Lo llke golng Lo faLher's house a loL more afLer movlng Lo our lovely new house wlLh my
exqulslLe new room, buL Lhls declslon of faLher's made me dlsllke my weeks Lhere agaln. AL moLher's
house, l had lL my way more ofLen, and LhaL's how l wanLed Lo llve.
l haLed havlng Lo go Lo camp durlng Lhe summer, and l was mlserable aL Lhe sLarL, buL a couple weeks
lnLo lL l made frlends wlLh Lwo broLhers named 1homas and 1yler.

Cn moLher's week, l spenL more and more Llme pracLlclng skaLeboardlng, and l had loLs of playdaLes
wlLh !ames where we would skaLeboard LogeLher. We also had a loL of fun playlng nlnLendo 64 games,
such as uonkey kong 64, 8an[o kazoole, 8an[o 1oole, !ames 8ond Coldeneye, and many more. Pe also
goL me lnLeresLed ln collecLlng 8eanle 8ables. AL flrsL l LhoughL such a Lhlng was very lame and glrly, buL
we used Lhem Lo fuel our lmaglnaLlon and have mock baLLles and wars wlLh each oLher. lL was our secreL
hobby LhaL we Lold no one abouL.

l was relleved when summer camp ended, and once lL was over my 10
Lh
blrLhday arrlved. l had been
on Lhls world for a decade, and whaL a decade lL was. full of dlscovery, fun, and happy advenLures. l
can'L say Lhe same for Lhe followlng decade.
l dldn'L have a parLy for my 10
Lh
blrLhday, and l belleve l celebraLed lL durlng moLher's week. We wenL
ouL wlLh !ames and hls famlly Lo a resLauranL ln Lhe allsades.

M> G);-' <.*

l was eager Lo re-bleach my halr Lo a fully blonde color, afLer Lhe dlsasLrous fallure of my prevlous
aLLempL. 1hls Llme, Soumaya Look me Lo Lhe rlghL salon, and Lhey gave me a shorL halrcuL and bleached
all of my halr blonde. When l looked aL myself ln Lhe mlrrlor, l felL an lnLense level of saLlsfacLlon.
l wenL Lo !ames's house soon afLer l acqulred my new halr color, and Lhe look of surprlse on hls face
when he flrsL saw me gave me a good laugh.
A couple of weeks laLer, my halr sLarLed Lo grow and my black halr would show aL Lhe rooLs, buL Lhe
blend Lurned ouL Lo sulL me well, and Lhls would become my halrsLyle for Lhe nexL year.

MoLher Look me and my slsLer on a shorL vacaLlon Lowards Lhe end of Lhe summer. We drove up Lhe
101 lreeway Lo venLura, where we sLayed aL Lhe Pollday lnn (whlch has now been replaced by Lhe
Crowne laza). l found Lhe hoLel Lo be comforLable and luxurlous. lL was locaLed rlghL on Lhe venLura
romenade, a beauLlful walkway along Lhe beach LhaL led Lo a long pler.
AL Lhls sLage, l was very enLhuslasLlc abouL my new lnLeresL ln skaLeboardlng, and l Look my
skaLeboard wlLh me. l en[oyed pracLlclng on my new skaLeboard all along Lhe venLura romenade.
uurlng Lhls Lrlp, moLher Look me Lo my flrsL skaLepark, whlch was called SkaLeSLreeL. lL was humungous,
and l was awed by all Lhe Lowerlng ramps. l aLLended a beglnner's class, and Lhe lnsLrucLor LaughL me
Lhe baslcs of rldlng on Lhese ramps. l was absoluLely Lerrlfled aL flrsL, buL by Lhe end of Lhe class, l was
able Lo go up and down Lhe smallesL of Lhem, and l had a blasL.
When we goL back Lo Lhe hoLel, we had a nlce room-servlce dlnner, and Lhen Lhe Lhree of us waLched
Lhe movle llndlng nemo on Lhe hoLel Lelevlslon. lL was a lovely llLLle Lrlp.

8efore llfLh grade sLarLed, l wenL wlLh my faLher and Soumaya Lo a dlnner parLy aL Lhelr frlend's
house. l forgoL who Lhese frlends were, buL lL was a nlce house ln 8everly Pllls. 1here were loLs of
guesLs, and l dld whaL l usually dld aL such dlnner parLles. l saL around eaLlng snacks and Lalked wlLh my
slsLer, someLlmes golng Lo faLher and Lo ask for a slp of wlne.
uurlng Lhls parLy, l found myself havlng a conversaLlon wlLh faLher, Soumaya, and one of Lhe parLy
guesLs, a bolsLerous mlddle-aged man who l can'L recall Lhe name of. laLher and Soumaya were Lalklng
abouL how l [usL Lurned Len years old, and we dlscussed llfe and whaL Lhe fuLure had ln sLore for me.
1hls man we were Lalklng Lo. he paLLed me on Lhe back and Lold me LhaL l have a greaL llfe ahead of
me. WlLh a grln on hls face, he Lold me LhaL ln Lhe nexL Len years, you'll have a greaL Llme. a greaL
Llme". l had no ldea whaL he meanL by LhaL. l wasn'L even Lhlnklng abouL my fuLure aL LhaL polnL, l was
llvlng ln Lhe momenL.
now l know whaL he meanL. Chlldhood ls fun, buL when a boy reaches puberLy a whole new world
opens up Lo hlm. a whole new world wlLh new pleasures, such as sex and love. CLher boys wlll
experlence Lhls, buL noL me, lL palns me Lo say. 1haL ls Lhe basls of my Lraglc llfe. l wlll noL have a greaL
Llme ln Lhe nexL Len years. 1he pleasures of sex and love wlll be denled Lo me. CLher boys wlll
experlence lL, buL noL me. lnsLead, l wlll only experlence mlsery, re[ecLlon, lonellness, and paln.
AL LhaL momenL ln Llme, l dldn'L Lhlnk much abouL Lhls man's commenL. l don'L even remember who
he was. 8uL afLer Lhose Len years have passed and l've experlenced whaL l've experlenced, l can'L help
buL Lhlnk abouL LhaL momenL. lf only l knew whaL was ln sLore for me, rlghL Lhen and Lhere.

lL was Llme Lo begln llfLh Crade. lL sLarLed ouL excellenLly. My Leacher was named Mrs. uamarL, and
she would always be very klnd Lo me.
lor Lhe flrsL week of llfLh Crade, l was aL moLher's house. l consldered myself Lo be very cool" by
now. l had goLLen beLLer aL skaLeboardlng, l had blonde halr, and l dressed llke a skaLeboarder. l felL
greaL anLlclpaLlon for whaL Lhe cool klds would Lhlnk of me once Lhey saw my LransformaLlon.
1o my dlsappolnLmenL, no one really cared. 1hey were all ln Lhelr own worlds. l don'L remember any
klds showlng recognlLlon of my new coolness". LvenLually, l was regarded dlfferenLly Lhan l was ln
lourLh grade, whlch l became conLenL wlLh. 1he cool klds Lalked Lo me more, and l sLarLed hanglng ouL
wlLh Lhem durlng recess and lunch.
When faLher's week came, l felL frusLraLed because l dldn'L have enough cool cloLhes Lhere, and lL
Look a whlle for me Lo geL faLher Lo flnd Lhe Llme Lo buy some for me. MoLher always goL me whaL l
wanLed, rlghL when l wanLed lL. AL moLher's house, all of my needs were meL wlLh excellenL preclslon,
whereas aL faLher's house, Lhere would always be a Llme delay because faLher and Soumaya had less
Llme for me, and pald less aLLenLlon Lo me.

ShorLly afLer my llfLh grade year began, my moLher declded Lo move ouL of Lhe 8ed Pouse Lo a small
house ln Woodland Pllls. 1hls new house was locaLed on 1opanga Canyon 8oulevard, near uumeLz
sLreeL. laLher's house was [usL up Lhe hlll from Lhere, so lL was pracLlcally walklng dlsLance Lo faLher's
house.
l would mlss Lhe 8ed Pouse, desplLe lLs smallness and Lhe facL LhaL l had Lo share a room wlLh my
slsLer. l had some very good Llmes Lhere. 1hls new house was more convenlenL. lL was sLlll a Lwo
bedroom house, buL one room was blg enough Lo be spllL ln Lwo, and so by havlng a wall bullL ln Lhe
mlddle, my slsLer and l each goL our own room.

As l goL beLLer and beLLer aL skaLeboardlng, my moLher made an efforL Lo Lake me Lo a skaLepark
every week. 8y now, skaLeboardlng wasn'L [usL a sporL l was dolng Lo copy Lhe cool klds. l was Lruly
lnLeresLed ln Lhe sporL. l even had hopes and dreams of becomlng a professlonal skaLeboarder. 1haL
became my llfe goal. l loved skaLeboardlng so much. l plcLured myself dolng amazlng Lrlcks ln fronL of a
cheerlng crowd, [usL llke l saw 1ony Pawk do ln some vldeos. l plcLured Lhe admlraLlon on Lhelr faces,
and lL was awesome.
1he skaLepark my moLher Look me Lo was norLhrldge SkaLepark, and she would Lake me Lhere every
lrlday. norLhrldge SkaLepark was an average-slzed ouLdoor skaLepark wlLh flne wooden ramps. llrsL, we
would have dlnner aL Lhe norLhrldge Mall, and Lhen l would slgn up for Lhe 7pm Lo 10pm sesslon aL Lhe
skaLepark. l usually wenL alone, buL afLer a few weeks of golng l made a few acqualnLances Lhere, and
people knew me. 1hls became a lrlday LradlLlon durlng moLher's week.
Cn Lhe followlng SaLurday, !ames usually came over for a sleepover. We would play nlnLendo 64
games llke 1ony Pawk's ro SkaLer and uonkey kong laLe lnLo Lhe nlghL, and Lhen on Sunday mornlng
moLher would Lake us boLh Lo SkaLelab, an lndoor skaLepark ln Slml valley. !ames had become really
lnLeresLed ln skaLeboardlng Loo, or so l belleved. l was always beLLer aL lL Lhan hlm Lhough, and l llked lL
LhaL way.
1hls was Lhe way every weekend wenL durlng moLher's week, and l had Lhe Llme of my llfe.

l was so lnLeresLed ln skaLeboardlng LhaL l Look my skaLeboard Lrlck-or-LreaLlng for Palloween. My
cosLume, of course, was myself as a skaLeboarder. We wenL Lo Lhe Lemelson's for a nlce dlnner and Lhen
seL ouL Lo collecL our candy. lL was qulLe Lrlcky Lo hold a bag full of candy whlle skaLeboardlng, buL l had
fun. l remember some Leenagers seelng me on my skaLeboard and saylng why dldn'L l Lhlnk of LhaL".
Pah, LhaL was graLlfylng.

lor ChrlsLmas, my moLher boughL me Lhe new laysLaLlon 2. l had been wanLlng lL for a long Llme,
and when l unwrapped Lhe presenL and saw Lhe box, l felL so elaLed. 8eforehand, Lhe only vldeo game
console l played was Lhe nlnLendo 64 (and Lhe Cameboy, lf LhaL counLs). 1he laysLaLlon 2 was much
more advanced ln graphlcs, and lL amazed me.
When moLher announced LhaL l would have Lo share lL wlLh my slsLer Ceorgla and LhaL l can'L keep lL
ln my room, my exclLemenL Lurned Lo lndlgnaLlon, and l Lhrew qulLe a LanLrum. AfLer crylng for a blL, l
calmed down and seLLled Lo sharlng lL wlLh Ceorgla. She wouldn'L be uslng lL much anyways, l Lold
myself.
Lven afLer geLLlng a laysLaLlon 2, l sLlll played my nlnLendo 64 a loL because l loved Lhe games l had
for lL, and l had an emoLlonal aLLachmenL Lo lL. 1he nlnLendo 64 was Lhe flrsL vldeo game console l
played, and lL would always have a speclal place ln my hearL.

Cne day durlng wlnLer break aL faLher's house, faLher and Soumaya wenL ouL for a few hours and lefL
me and my slsLer wlLh 1racy. When Lhey came back, Lhey had a llLLle puppy wlLh Lhem, and announced
LhaL lL was our new peL. lL was malnly a presenL for Ceorgla. Ceorgla had been desperaLely asklng faLher
for a peL puppy for Lhe lasL year, buL l dldn'L Lhlnk he would acLually go Lhrough wlLh lL. l was so shocked
LhaL we now had a dog. l was always afrald of dogs when l was llLLle, and l never lmaglned havlng one as
a peL. 1he only peLs l've had prevlously were my LurLle and lguana, who boLh dled wlLhln a year of
acqulrlng Lhem. Ceorgla was glven Lhe cholce on whaL Lo name Lhe puppy, and she named lL Lucky. l
LhoughL Lhls was a very lame and sLupld name.

When l reLurned Lo school afLer Lhe wlnLer break, l noLlced LhaL all Lhe cool klds had anoLher lnLeresL:
Packy sacklng. lL was a slmple sporL conslsLlng of klcklng a bean-sack lnLo Lhe alr as many Llmes as you
can wlLhouL lL landlng on Lhe floor. 1hey all had hacky sacks, and Lhey would spend recess and lunch
klcklng Lhem wlLh each oLher, slnce skaLeboardlng wasn'L allowed on school grounds. l dldn'L have a
hacky sack, and l declded LhaL l needed Lo do someLhlng abouL LhaL. MoLher Look me Lo Lhe sLore ac
Sun where l goL a hacky sack wlLh an orange and green deslgn. When we goL home from Lhe mall, l
sLarLed pracLlclng. l remember sLruggllng wlLh lL flrsL, buL l spenL Lhe nexL few afLernoons concenLraLlng
on geLLlng good aL lL. l spenL many hours well lnLo Lhe nlghL pracLlclng ln my backyard.
Cnce l was able Lo klck Lhe hacky sack properly, l made a blg deal of Lhe facL LhaL l was now lnLeresLed
ln lL. l would go up Lo Lhe group of cool klds and show off my skllls, and l played wlLh lL every slngle
mlnuLe l spenL ouLslde durlng school Llme.

1he upper playground was rebullL over Lhe break, and Lhere was a brand new playground Lo play on. l
always loved brand new Lhlngs, and Lhe new playground was qulLe engaglng. Cn Lhe very flrsL day LhaL
we were allowed Lo use lL, l played Lag wlLh hlllp 8loeser, Addlson AlLendorf, 8ryce !acobs, and a few
oLhers.

l never really became good frlends wlLh Lhe so-called cool klds". l would see Lhem more as
compeLlLors Lhan frlends. uurlng recess and lunch, l malnly played wlLh hlllp and hls llLLle cllque whlch
conslsLed of Addlson AlLendorf, kevln, and 1.! 1assone.
l made a few lourLh Crade frlends Lhrough hacky sacklng, Lhough l forgeL Lhelr names. l malnly
played wlLh Lhem durlng recess and lunch. Cne day, afLer l sLayed an hour afLer school aL Lhe upper, l
was hacklng sacklng wlLh Lhem and l klcked my hacky sack up onLo a roof. lL wasn'L flrsL hacky sack,
Lhank goodness, buL l was qulLe fond of lL and l was sad Lo lose lL. l wonder lf lL's sLlll up Lhere. no, lL
would have been cleared away by now.

l sLlll refused Lo have any playdaLes when l was aL my faLher's house due Lo Lhe lncldenL wlLh
Soumaya ln lourLh Crade. 8ecause of Lhls, my faLher and Soumaya became concerned LhaL l dldn'L have
any frlends.
Soumaya forced me Lo befrlend some of Lhe nelghbor's klds who llved [usL down Lhe road. 1hey
would ofLen skaLeboard ouLslde of Lhelr houses. l was aghasL. Lhe prospecL of walklng up Lo a bunch of
klds who l dldn'L know and asklng Lo play wlLh Lhem was Lerrlfylng Lo me. 1hey were cool"
skaLeboarders, and LhaL made lL even more lnLlmldaLlng. Cf course, l &'"-/# Lo be frlends wlLh Lhem
and [oln ln Lhelr fun, buL l was Loo scared LhaL Lhey would Lhlnk l'm welrd. l have always been shy by
naLure.
Soumaya dldn'L undersLand Lhls, and she gave me no cholce ln Lhe maLLer. She senL me ouL of Lhe
house and wouldn'L leL me back ln unLll l lnLroduced myself Lo Lhem. l Lrled preLendlng LhaL l was playlng
wlLh Lhem, buL lnsLead l would hlde ln a quleL sLreeL corner. 1o my surprlse, Soumaya somehow knew l
was dolng Lhls, and she came Lo confronL me. She Lhen goL 1racy Lo Lake me down Lo where Lhe klds
were playlng and push me lnLo lL. 1racy wenL up Lo Lhe klds and asked lf l could play wlLh Lhem. l felL
embarrassed and Llmld, buL Lhey welcomed me.
l always had Lhe subconsclous preconcepLlon LhaL Lhe coolesL klds were mean and aggresslve by
naLure, whlch ls qulLe Lrue, and l was shocked LhaL Lhese klds were belng nlce Lo me and leLLlng me play
wlLh Lhem. AfLer a fun afLernoon skaLeboardlng around Lhe sLreeLs of Woodland Pllls, l regreLLed noL
befrlendlng Lhem sooner. 1hey wenL Lo Woodland Pllls LlemenLary School, Lhe school my slsLer would
soon go Lo.
A couple of weeks laLer, Soumaya forced me Lo befrlend yeL anoLher group of Woodland Pllls klds.
1hls second group llved nearer Lo my house, and Lhey weren'L skaLeboarders, however Lhey llked rldlng
blkes and scooLers. Cne of Lhem was a black boy named Lucky 8adley, who l LhoughL was very nlce aL
Lhe Llme. l found lL sLrange LhaL he had Lhe same name as my dog. Pe was a fourLh grader, and he would
laLer go Lo Lhe same mlddle school as me, where he would become an ob[ecL of my exLreme [ealousy
and haLred. Looklng back, l can'L belleve l acLually played wlLh hlm as a frlend ln my faLher's
nelghborhood.

ln Lhe sprlng, uncle !onny and Lhe couslns came Lo sLay aL faLher's house. Cousln Ceorge bunked wlLh
me ln my room, and Lhe Lwo of us became lnsLanL frlends. l hadn'L seen hlm slnce my lasL Lrlp Lo
Lngland, and back Lhen we were llLLle klds. l en[oyed havlng a frlend Lo play wlLh on a dally basls wlLhouL
havlng Lo arrange a playdaLe, and Lhe week LhaL Lhey sLayed wlLh us was greaL fun. l once Look hlm
along Lo play on scooLers and skaLeboards wlLh Lhe nelghbor klds, and we also wenL Lo Lhe beach a loL.
lndeed, lL was a greaL week, and l was sad Lo see Lhem go. l looked forward Lo seelng hlm agaln when
we were Lo go on our vacaLlon Lo lrance and Lngland ln Lhe comlng summer.

AfLer !onny and Lhe couslns lefL, Soumaya's moLher khadl[a came Lo sLay for a few monLhs, and l was
made Lo share my room wlLh her, because faLher had converLed Lwo of Lhe guesL rooms lnLo hls offlce,
and 1racy was sLaylng ln Lhe downsLalrs room. l had an exLra bed ln my room, so l suppose lL made
sense Lo Lhem. l was a blL annoyed wlLh Lhls aL Lhe sLarL, buL l bonded well wlLh khadl[a, so l soon
became ok wlLh lL. She was llke a Lhlrd grandmoLher Lo me.

My moLher aLLalned LlckeLs Lo Lhe red carpeL premlere SLar Wars Lplsode 2: ALLack of Lhe Clones. We
recelved four LlckeLs. Ceorgla was old enough Lo go, and l persuaded moLher Lo leL me glve Lhe fourLh
LlckeL Lo !ames. l was awesLruck by Lhe Llme Lhe movle ended. lL found lL Lo be absoluLely phenomenal.
!ames and l Lalked abouL lL for hours afLerward.

My llfe aL school was sLarLlng Lo become medlocre agaln, and l became frusLraLed wlLh my sLruggle Lo
be cool. l dldn'L have a regular group of frlends who l always played wlLh. l was llke a nomad, movlng
from group Lo group and Lrylng Lo flL ln wlLh each one, buL never fully lnLegraLlng. l feared LhaL Lhe cool
klds dldn'L regard me as one of Lhem, and even hlllp's cllque never consldered me one of Lhelr core
frlends. uesplLe all of my aLLempLs Lo be cool, l dldn'L feel as lf Lhe oLher klds respecLed me as such. l
was sLlll qulLe Lhe ouLcasL, as l always wlll be.
My soclal llfe changed somewhaL when Mrs. uamarL announced LhaL we would have new seaLlng
arrangemenLs ln class, and Lhe process of decldlng on who slLs where was up Lo us. Cur class conslsLed
of Lables LhaL seaLed abouL flve Lo slx people, and when our name was called randomly, we could choose
anywhere Lo slL, meanlng LhaL everyone had a chance Lo slL wlLh Lhelr group of frlends. l dldn'L have a
core group of frlends, so l was Lhrown lnLo a sLaLe of panlc.
Crlglnally, l was slLLlng aL Lhe Lable where hlllp's cllque saL, buL all of Lhelr names were called before
me, and l was booLed from Lhelr Lable. AL Lhls polnL, l [usL chose Lo slL anywhere, and l ended up slLLlng
nexL Lo !ohn !o Clen. MaLL 8ordler and uanny uayanl also saL aL our Lable. 1hese were klds who l
regarded as cool, so l was conLenL wlLh slLLlng wlLh Lhem.
l never really lnLeracLed wlLh !ohn !o Clen LhaL much ln Lhe pasL. Pe was one of Lhe blggesL [erks of
Lhe school, nexL Lo 1revor and keaLon. We quarreled a blL aL Lhe sLarL, buL soon enough we sLarLed
soclallzlng, and l Lalked wlLh hlm abouL some new games l goL for my laysLaLlon 2. We became frlends
when !ohn !o suddenly asked me lf he can come over Lo my house. l felL happy LhaL he asked me Lhls. lL
would be Lhe flrsL playdaLe l would have wlLhouL my moLher arranglng lL for me. 1hls would spark a fun
new frlendshlp LhaL would lasL well afLer llfLh Crade. 1he random seaLlng arrangemenL nexL Lo !ohn !o
was Lhe besL Lhlng Lo happen Lo me ln LlemenLary School.

uesplLe my sLruggles Lo be regarded as cool" and my obsesslon wlLh aLLalnlng such recognlLlon, llfLh
grade was my favorlLe school year ln LlemenLary School. l played wlLh more people Lhan l ever dld ln
prevlous grades, l was less shy, l wasn'L a dork, and l had an awesome Llme learnlng how Lo skaLeboard
and hacky sack. lL was memorable year fllled wlLh [oyful experlences.
l dldn'L wanL Lhe school year Lo end. Cnce llfLh grade was over, l wlll have Lo go Lo Mlddle School,
and Lhe prospecL fllled me wlLh anxleLy. My llLLle lnnocenL mlnd always looked aL Mlddle School as
someLhlng far ln Lhe fuLure, when l grow up. l dldn'L wanL Lo grow up. l was en[oylng my llfe as a kld
rlghL aL LhaL momenL. l dldn'L Lhlnk abouL Lhe fuLure.
klds ln my class Lold many rumors of Mlddle School llfe LhaL fllled me wlLh fear and senL a shlver
Lhrough my splne. Lven Lhrough waLchlng movles and 1.v. shows l goL a gllmpse of whaL was ln sLore for
a Mlddle Schooler. 1here was Lalk of glrls, and how lL would soon be cool" Lo be popular wlLh Lhe glrls.
Clrls were llke compleLely forelgn creaLures Lo me. l never lnLeracLed wlLh Lhem. l wasn'L expecLed Lo. ln
LlemenLary School, boys played wlLh boys and glrls played wlLh glrls. 1haL was whaL l was used Lo.
1haL was my world. l heard sLorles of how boys are expecLed Lo sLarL klsslng glrls ln Mlddle School! Such
Lhlngs overwhelmed me. l Lrled Lo dlsmlss lL as much as l could and en[oy my llfe ln Lhe presenL momenL.

My school arranged a camplng Lrlp for Lhe enLlre llfLh Crade class before graduaLlon day. AL flrsL l
dldn'L wanL Lo go because l would be away from my parenLs for flve days, someLhlng l was never used
Lo. l was afrald l would geL Loo homeslck. l never spenL more Lhan one nlghL away from my parenLs. Cn
Lhe rare occaslon LhaL Lhey had Lo go ouL of Lown for a few days and lefL me wlLh a nanny, l would cry aL
nlghL.
My Leacher Mrs. uamarL came up Lo me one mornlng before class sLarLed and persuaded me Lo go,
saylng LhaL Lhe graduaLlon Lrlp was someLhlng l wouldn'L wanL Lo mlss. lL would be a once ln a llfeLlme
experlence, and afLer some heslLaLlon l agreed Lo go along.
l forgoL exacLly where Lhls camplng Lrlp Look place. lL was locaLed aL a speclal camplng reLreaL
somewhere ln Lhe foresL Lo Lhe norLh of Los Angeles. lL was very secluded. a small vlllage of cablns and
LenLs surrounded by wllderness and hlklng Lralls. lor Lhe Lrlp Lhere, l declded Lo go wlLh my frlends 8ryce
and Charlle ln a car lnsLead of Laklng Lhe school bus wlLh everyone else. 1hls was much more
comforLable, and l was glad Lo have snagged a spoL ln Lhe car wlLh Lhem.
Lveryone was asslgned Lo groups of flve Lo share a cabln or a LenL. l was orlglnally placed ln Lhe group
wlLh Charlle, 8ryce, and a few oLhers. buL LhaL group was glven a LenL Lo sleep ln. l was appalled by how
drab and uncomforLable Lhe LenLs looked. l wanLed a cabln. So l wenL Lo my Leacher and asked Lo be
Lransferred Lo a group LhaL was sleeplng ln a cabln. She placed me ln a group of some cool skaLeboarder
klds, lncludlng Mlchael, Sam, 1revor, MaLL, and SLephen. l felL a sense of prlde Lo be parL of Lhls group.
uurlng Lhe dayLlme on Lhls Lrlp, Lhe whole llfLh Crade class parLlclpaLed ln games, ouLdoor acLlvlLles,
naLure hlkes, and barbeques. lL was greaL fun. nlghLLlme ln Lhe cabln was llke havlng a sleepover wlLh
flve people, and lL was a new experlence LhaL exclLed me. 8efore bedLlme, Mlchael 8ay Look ouL a
magazlne LhaL had plcLures of beauLlful model women, and all of Lhe boys gaLhered around and looked
aL Lhem. So. even aL Lhe early age of Len, boys were sLarLlng Lo be aLLracLed Lo Lhe female body. l dldn'L
undersLand Lhls. l hadn'L yeL reached LhaL sLage. l preLended Lo be lnLeresLed [usL so LhaL l wouldn'L
appear uncool. All of Lhose boys probably losL Lhelr vlrglnlLy by slxLeen. uamn Lhem.
1he Lrlp ended up belng so fun LhaL l dldn'L cry aL all abouL belng away from my parenLs for so long.

And flnally, lL was Llme Lo graduaLe from LlemenLary School. 8efore Lhe ceremony, our whole class
waLched a vldeo full of fooLage of school llfe LhroughouL Lhe year. l saw a few gllmpses of myself caughL
ln Lhe fooLage, and l felL graLlfled. My llfe aL 1opanga LlemenLary School was a blasL, full of memorable
experlences and wonderful Llmes.
l dressed ln a nlce shlrL wlLh a Lle for Lhe ceremony. All of Lhe llfLh Craders llned up and walked down
an lsle Lhrough Lhe cenLer of Lhe AudlLorlum, wlLh Lhe audlence of parenLs and slbllngs on elLher slde.
When l saw my parenLs, Lhey looked so proud of me. Lach sLudenL had Lo walk up Lo Lhelr Leacher on
Lhe sLage and recelve a graduaLlon award. We weren'L requlred Lo glve a speech, Lo my rellef. l would be
Loo nervous Lo Lalk ln fronL of an audlence. 1he graduaLlon Lheme song was 1lme of ?our Llfe" by Lhe
band Creen uay, one of my favorlLe bands. Whenever l would hear Lhls song agaln, l would Lhlnk abouL
LhaL glorlous day, and Lhe memorles would make me feel an exLreme sense of nosLalgla. ln Lhe
afLernoon, Lhere was a graduaLlon parLy aL Lhe 1op of 1opanga communlLy recreaLlon cenLer, a lovely
place LhaL provlded a vlew of Lhe whole valley.
My moLher Look me Lo have dlnner aL Lhe sushl resLauranL kabukl afLerwards. lL was [usL me and her.
As we saL down aL Lhe resLauranL afLer all Lhe exclLemenL, l Look a momenL Lo fully ponder over Lhe facL
LhaL LlemenLary School was all over. lL was done. l felL so accompllshed and proud. l was happy, Lhlngs
were good. 8uL along wlLh LhaL happlness was a feellng of sadness LhaL l wlll be leavlng all of Lhose
experlences behlnd. A whole chapLer of my llfe had [usL passed, and a new one was beglnnlng. 1haL day
was such an exLraordlnary day. A day Lo remember, a memory Lo cherlsh.

lor Lhe flrsL few weeks of summer, moLher arranged playdaLes wlLh varlous frlends and
acqualnLances l made from 1opanga LlemenLary, lncludlng 1revor 8ourgeL, MaLL 8ordler, Charlle
Converse, !ohn !o Clen, and hlllp 8loeser. lL was lnLeresLlng Lo have 1revor and MaLL over. l never
LhoughL l would have playdaLes wlLh Lhem. MaLL was one of Lhe coolesL klds ln Lhe school, he was a
skaLeboarder and a baseball player who seemed Lo garner respecL from everyone. l envled hlm durlng
LlemenLary School even when we were frlends, and l would deeply envy and haLe hlm laLer on ln llfe,
when l flnd ouL how much success he would have wlLh glrls.
Agaln, l repeaL, LhaL as chlldren we all play LogeLher as equals ln a falr envlronmenL. Cnly afLer Lhe
advenL of puberLy does Lhe Lrue bruLallLy of human naLure show lLs face. Llfe wlll become a blLLer and
unfalr sLruggle for self-worLh, all because glrls wlll choose some boys over oLhers. 1he boys who glrls
flnd aLLracLlve wlll llve pleasure-fllled llves whlle Lhey domlnaLe Lhe boys who glrls deem unworLhy. MaLL
8ordler wlll go on Lo llve a llfe of pleasure. Clrls wlll Lhrow Lhemselves aL hlm. And l wlll go on Lo be
re[ecLed and humlllaLed by glrls. AL LhaL momenL ln Llme, we were [usL playlng LogeLher as chlldren,
obllvlous Lo Lhe facL LhaL my fuLure wlll be dark and hls wlll be brlghL. Llfe ls such a cruel [oke.

My moLher conLlnued Lo Lake me Lo norLhrldge SkaLepark every lrlday, and l also aLLended a
skaLeboard camp aL edlow SkaLepark for a couple of weeks. AL Lhls camp l bumped lnLo one of Lhe klds
l played wlLh around faLher's house.
l had been Lrylng very hard Lo geL beLLer aL skaLeboardlng, buL when l saw LhaL Lhere were boys a loL
younger Lhan me who could do more Lrlcks, l reallzed LhaL l sucked. l was never good aL sporLs or any
physlcal acLlvlLy, and when l dlscovered skaLeboardlng, l LhoughL LhaL flnally here was a sporL LhaL l
could excel ln and even became a professlonal aL. lL crushed me a llLLle lnslde Lo see LhaL l was a fallure
aL skaLeboardlng afLer more Lhan a year of pracLlclng lL. l could never masLer Lhe klckfllp or heelfllp. All l
could do was Lhe ollle [ump and rlde down a few ramps. l saw elghL-year-old boys aL Lhe skaLepark who
could do a klckfllp wlLh ease, and lL made me so angry. 0)+ #,# % 1',2 '- /3/4+-),"5 % -4,/#6 l asked
myself. My dreams of becomlng a professlonal skaLeboarder were over. l felL so defeaLed.
8ecause of Lhls, my lnLeresL ln skaLeboardlng slowly faded away durlng Lhls summer. !ames had
recenLly Lold me LhaL he was no longer lnLeresLed ln Lhe sporL, so l no longer had hlm Lo skaLeboard wlLh
anyway. l [usL declded Lo forgeL abouL lL for Lhe momenL.

!ames's famlly moved Lo a new house ln Mallbu. 1he house was owned by Lhe Lemelson's, and Lhey
were sLaylng ln lL Lemporarlly. MoLher Look us Lhere a few Llmes where l advenLured wlLh !ames ln Lhe
wllderness area LhaL surrounded Lhe house. We would ofLen go Lo a small plaza ln Lhe cenLer of Mallbu.
1here was a playground Lhere, wlLh a few shops and resLauranLs surroundlng lL.

lL was Llme for my 11
Lh
blrLhday. l was aL moLher's house and [usL declded Lo have a small playdaLe for
my blrLhday. l lnvlLed !ames over, along wlLh anoLher kld who l had befrlended aL Lhe Woodland Pllls
recreaLlon cenLer. My moLher made a small cake, l blew ouL Lhe candles, and LhaL was lL. l was eleven
years old.

MM G);-' <.*

1he Lrlp Lo lrance and Lngland began shorLly afLer my blrLhday. We had been Lalklng abouL lL for a
whlle aL faLher's house, and l was really exclLed Lo go. We Lraveled on vlrgln ALlanLlc upper Class. l was
exLremely enLhuslasLlc abouL Lhls, as l always loved luxury and opulence.
We sLopped by ln Lngland for a couple of days Lo say hello Lo grandma !lnx. 1he couslns weren'L
Lhere, Lhey were already ln lrance, so lL was a blL borlng. When we arrlved ln lrance, Lhe feellng of
wonder and curloslLy swepL over me as lL always dld when l vlslLed a forelgn counLry. 1he lasL Llme l was
ln lrance, l was only a few weeks old. 1hls was Lhe flrsL Llme l was able Lo Lruly experlence Lhe counLry.
lrance was a whole dlfferenL world, and lL was a world LhaL l llked. lrench culLure ls so exqulslLe and
reflned compared Lo Amerlcan culLure.
AfLer booklng a couple of rooms aL a small lnn near Lhe Lown of 1oulouse, we meL up wlLh !onny and
Lhe cousln's aL AunL !enny's house. AunL !enny ls my faLher's slsLer, and Lhe lasL Llme l saw her was
when l llved ln Lngland, before Lhe move Lo Amerlca. She had a few klLLens ln her house LhaL l loved Lo
play wlLh.
Ceorge and l lmmedlaLely resumed our frlendshlp LhaL sLarLed ln Lhe sprlng. 1here was a vasL
foresLed area surroundlng Lhe house. Ceorge Lold me Lhere were loLs of wlld boars ln Lhe foresL, so we
wenL wlld boar hunLlng". lL was [usL a game, and we never ended up seelng any boars aL all, buL Lhe
suspense of posslbly flndlng one was whaL made lL fun.
We sLayed ln 1oulouse for abouL a week, and Lhen we sald goodbye Lo Lhe relaLlves and seL off Lo
Lour Lhe counLry. We Loured many culLural Lowns and sLayed ln casLle-sLyle hoLels. 1hls should have
been a greaL experlence for me, buL my confllcLs wlLh Soumaya soured lL. 1here were a few lncldenLs ln
whlch she punlshed me by maklng me sLay ln my hoLel room whlle she, faLher and Ceorgla all wenL ouL
Lo dlnner aL a resLauranL. l haLed her for Lhls.
Cn Lhe way back, we sLopped aL grandma !lnx's house ln Lngland for a week. 1he couslns were Lhere
Lhls Llme, and lL was a loL of fun. We all slepL ln one room, so lL was llke havlng one blg sleepover. Cne
day we wenL on a Lrlp Lo a museum, where l had an argumenL wlLh Soumaya. She shouLed aL me ln fronL
of Ceorge and LhreaLened Lo punlsh me. 1hls was so embarrasslng LhaL l fell lnLo a mlserable mood for
Lhe resL of Lhe day. l always loved Lravellng, buL l learned LhaL Lravellng wlLh Soumaya [usL rulns Lhe
whole experlence. And Lhls wouldn'L be Lhe lasL Llme l would be forced Lo Lravel wlLh Soumaya elLher, Lo
my uLmosL dlsmay.
1he Lrlp lasLed Lhree weeks ln lengLh, Lhe perfecL lengLh of Llme for a vacaLlon, ln my oplnlon. l qulLe
en[oyed lL, lf l don'L counL Lhe Llmes Soumaya rulned lL.

lL felL nlce Lo be back home afLer a long, culLural vacaLlon. AL faLher's house, my nanny 1racy goL lnLo
an argumenL wlLh faLher, and she was forced Lo leave. l was sad Lo see her go. She was always pleasanL
and fun Lo be around. Cnce 1racy lefL, Ceorgla and l would no longer have any nannles. We were geLLlng
Loo old for lL. l wasn'L a llLLle chlld anymore. havlng nannles became a Lhlng of Lhe pasL. lrom now on, lf
faLher and Soumaya had Lo go ouL Lo a dlnner parLy, Lhey would [usL hlre a baby-slLLer Lo look afLer us,
and soon l would be old enough Lo sLay by myself ln Lhe house.

l goL a halrcuL, and Lhls Llme l declded noL Lo bleach my halr blonde. 1he black halr always grew ouL
anyway, so Lhe full-blonde look only lasLed for a couple of weeks. Pavlng blonde halr seemed Lo have
losL lLs spark, so l [usL dldn'L boLher wlLh lL anymore.

1he summer was pleasanL and relaxlng, buL lL qulckly came Lo an end. 1he Llme for Mlddle School had
come. My fear of Lhls day haunLed Lhe back of my mlnd all summer. l was enrolled aL lnecresL Mlddle
School for SlxLh Crade. l had mlxed feellngs abouL golng Lo Lhls school because l dldn'L llke my
experlence Lhere durlng klndergarLen. laLher sald lL's Lhe besL opLlon for me, because lL was a small
prlvaLe school. l dldn'L wanL Lo go Lo a large school llke Pale Mlddle School. LhaL would have been Loo
overwhelmlng for me.
Cn Lhe flrsL day, l was shaklng wlLh anxleLy and fear. l dldn'L know whaL Lo expecL. 1ranslLlonlng Lo
Mlddle School was a blg deal for me, even more so Lhan sLarLlng elemenLary school. l was much older
and l cared more abouL whaL people LhoughL of me. l was no longer an lnnocenL llLLle chlld who dldn'L
have Lo worry. l had Lo worry abouL a loL of Lhlngs, and oh, dld l worry! lL was a whole new school full of
people l dldn'L know. 1hey all prevlously wenL Lo elemenLary school LogeLher, so mosL of Lhem already
knew each oLher. 1haL made me even more nervous. 1he only person l knew who was golng Lo lnecresL
was a geeky kld named naLe Crossman, who l dldn'L really lnLeracL wlLh LhaL much ln 1opanga.
l also felL an lnLense fear of whaL Mlddle School llfe would be llke. l dldn'L know how Lo acL around
glrls, l dldn'L know whaL was cool anymore, l had no frlends Lhere. l slmply dldn'L know whaL Lo do. l felL
llke l was walklng lnLo a snowsLorm wlLhouL a coaL.
My parenLs led me lnLo Lhe school Lo say goodbye, and Lhen lL was Llme for me Lo sLarL my flrsL class. l
had Lo Lake mulLlple classes wlLh dlfferenL Leachers now. 1hls was also a new concepL for me and lL made
me exLremely uncomforLable. Slnce Lhls was a prlvaLe school, l had Lo wear a unlform, someLhlng l hadn'L
done slnce golng Lo uorseLL Pouse ln Lngland. l LhoughL of Lhls as a good Lhlng Lhough. l dldn'L have Lo
worry abouL whaL l would have Lo wear on Lhe flrsL day.
lor Lhe flrsL few days, l wlLhdrew lnLo a defenslve shell and dldn'L really Lalk Lo anyone. l dld observe,
however. l observed how everyone acLed, who Lhe cool klds" were, whaL Lhey were llke. and lL was all
so lnLlmldaLlng. 1he soclal challenges LhaL l faced ln llfLh Crade were lnLenslfled Lenfold.
l noLlced LhaL Lhere were Lwo groups of cool, popular klds. 1here were Lhe skaLeboarder klds, such as
vlnny Magglo, AshLon Molo, uarrel, Wes, and Alex ulb. And Lhen Lhere were Lhe boys who were popular
wlLh glrls, lncludlng vlncenL, 8oberL Morgan, and Cren Aks. 1hey all seemed so confldenL and
aggresslve. l felL so lnLlmldaLed by Lhem, and l haLed Lhem for lL. l haLed Lhem so much, buL l had Lo
lncrease my sLandlng wlLh Lhem. l &'"-/# Lo be frlends wlLh Lhem.
l also observed Lhe glrls. l was sLlll very shorL for my age, and mosL of Lhe glrls were Laller Lhan me. l
hadn'L reached puberLy yeL, buL l was sLarLlng Lo admlre female preLLlness. 1here was one group of
preLLy, popular glrls, and Lhey all seemed Lo llke hanglng ouL wlLh LhaL boy 8oberL Morgan. l dldn'L yeL
deslre glrls sexually, buL l sLlll felL envy Lowards 8oberL for belng able Lo aLLracL Lhe aLLenLlon of all Lhe
popular glrls. 0)'- &'( (7 (*/8,'2 '97:- ;79/4- <745'"6 l consLanLly asked myself.
l LhoughL all of Lhe cool klds were obnoxlous [erks, buL l Lrled as besL as l could Lo hlde my dlsgusL and
appear cool" Lo Lhem. 1hey were obnoxlous [erks, and yeL somehow lL was Lhese boys who all of Lhe
glrls flocked Lo. 1hls showed me LhaL Lhe world was a bruLal place, and human belngs were noLhlng
more Lhan savage anlmals. LveryLhlng my faLher LaughL me was proven wrong. Pe ralsed me Lo be a
pollLe, klnd genLleman. ln a decenL world, LhaL would be ldeal. 8uL Lhe pollLe, klnd genLleman doesn'L
wln ln Lhe real world. 1he glrls don'L flock Lo Lhe genLlemen. 1hey flock Lo Lhe alpha male. 1hey flock Lo
Lhe boys who appear Lo have Lhe mosL power and sLaLus. And lL was a ruLhless sLruggle Lo reach such a
helghL.
lL was Loo much for me Lo handle. l was sLlll a llLLle boy wlLh a fraglle mlnd. 1hlnklng abouL such Lhlngs
would only crush my lnnocence, and lL evenLually wlll. =:- "7- '- -),( *7,"-. l subconsclously wanLed Lo
en[oy my chlldhood as much as l could, so l Lrled noL Lo Lhlnk abouL Lhls new revelaLlon and en[oy llfe ln
Lhe momenL. l puL lL all aslde, Lo be pondered over laLer.

My whole world had changed. 1he cool" Lhlng Lo do now was Lo be popular wlLh glrls. l dldn'L know
how Lo go abouL dolng LhaL. SkaLeboardlng, l was able Lo do. dresslng well, LhaL was slmple. 8uL
aLLracLlng aLLenLlon from glrls? >7& ," -)/ 92'?/( &'( % 57,"5 -7 #7 -)'-6 l dldn'L even undersLand whaL
was so speclal abouL lL elLher, buL everyone seemed Lo place so much lmporLance on lL. 1hls made me
even more shy, and l became known as Lhe shy new kld."
1hankfully, some klds sLarLed reachlng ouL Lo me, and l had a few chances Lo lnLegraLe wlLhln a
couple of weeks. 1he flrsL boy Lo Lalk Lo me was 8rlce Mlller. Pe asked me lf l had any frlends aL Lhe
school, because he always saw me alone. l admlLLed LhaL l had no frlends, and he offered Lo be my flrsL
frlend. l was very graLeful for Lhls.
Cnce agaln, l used skaLeboardlng as a way Lo lncrease my sLandlng, Lelllng Lhe skaLeboarder klds LhaL l
knew how Lo skaLeboard and LhaL l could do some Lrlcks. 1hls goL Lhem Lo LreaL me more cordlally. l even
Lalked Lo 8oberL Morgan a few Llmes, who l haLed and yeL subconsclously revered for belng so popular.
Whenever a so-called popular kld would say a word Lo me or glve me a hlgh flve, l felL lmmense
saLlsfacLlon.

lnevlLably, l sLarLed Lo become known Lo Lhe glrls of my school, and surprlslngly, Lhey LreaLed me
qulLe well. lL was a huge rellef. Mlddle School would be Lhe lasL Llme ln my llfe where l wouldn'L be
compleLely lnvlslble Lo glrls. All of Lhe preLLy glrls had a pecullar hablL of hugglng boys Lhey knew as a
form of greeLlng, and some of Lhem hugged me. l dldn'L undersLand why, buL lL felL llke Lhe besL feellng
ever. l was one hundred-Llmes more saLlsfled from geLLlng a hug from a preLLy glrl Lhan geLLlng a hlgh
flve from a popular boy. lL was a new experlence LhaL enrapLured every flber of my belng.
1he 7
Lh
and 8
Lh
grade glrls were especlally klnd Lo me. l guess Lhey LhoughL l was cuLe" ln a boylsh
sorL of way. 1hls made my lnlLlal experlence of Mlddle School much beLLer.
l declded Lo aLLend Lhe school dance ln early CcLober. A school dance was compleLely forelgn Lo me.
LlemenLary Schools dldn'L have Lhem, of course, and l only knew abouL Lhem from waLchlng Lyplcal
Amerlcan shows on Lelevlslon. l LhoughL lL was someLhlng l had Lo do ln order Lo be cool. l was very
nervous, naLurally, buL l pushed myself Lo go ahead wlLh lL.
When l goL Lhere, 8oberL Morgan saw me and asked me lf l wanLed Lo hang ouL wlLh hls group. l was
graLeful for Lhls, and l ended up havlng a nlce Llme. l was shocked LhaL some 7
Lh
and 8
Lh
grade glrls
offered Lo dance wlLh me. 1hey came up Lo me ln a group and LaughL me how Lo slow dance". l had Lo
place my hands on Lhelr hlps, whlle Lhey placed Lhelr hands on my shoulders, and we would move slowly
wlLh Lhe muslc. 1hey were all Laller Lhan me, and l was Lerrlfled, buL lL felL so. good. 1haL would be Lhe
only Llme ln my llfe where l would have a saLlsfylng experlence wlLh glrls. 1he 7"2+ Llme.

Palloween of Lhls year marked Lhe lasL Llme l would ever go Lrlck-or-LreaLlng. AfLer Lhls year l would
be Loo old for lL. MoLher Look us Lo Lhe Lemelson's, and l declded Lo noL dress up ln any cosLume. l wenL
as myself, sporLlng my black lnecresL sweaLer. As lL was my lasL Llme Lrlck-or-LreaLlng, lL would be Lhe
lasL Llme l would have any sorL of fun on Palloween. And l dld have a loL of fun. lL was nlce Lo go ouL
collecLlng candy wlLh !ames and noah, llke we had been dolng for several years pasL.

My faLher cuL off a porLlon of Lhe chlld supporL he had been paylng my moLher, whlch forced my
moLher Lo move house. We moved Lo a small blue house on Clade Avenue ln Canoga ark. l dldn'L llke
Canoga ark aL all. lL was a very ugly and low-class area Lo Lhe norLh or Woodland Pllls, and l felL lL
demeanlng LhaL we would have Lo llve Lhere durlng moLher's week.
1he house dld have some upsldes. lL had four bedrooms and a blgger llvlng room Lhan moLher's old
house. My new room was a loL larger Lhan my old one. And of course, my moLher always had her own
ways of maklng everyLhlng beLLer. l would sLlll en[oy my Llme aL moLher's small house more Lhan my
Llme aL faLher's blg Woodland Pllls house.
Along wlLh Lhls move, Lhere came a new change ln our roLaLlon schedule. My parenLs declded LhaL we
would sLay aL our moLher's house more, lnsLead of swlLchlng one week-one week. MoLher would have
us for all of Lhe weekdays, and we would go Lo faLher's on Lhe weekends when he was ln Lown.

Around Lhe same Llme LhaL my moLher moved, !ames's famlly moved as well, Lo anoLher Lemelson-
owned house ln Lhe allsades. 1hey would only remaln ln Lhls house for a very brlef perlod, because a
Lraglc evenL would soon occur ln !ames's famlly.
Cne day aL school, l was slLLlng ln my class when l was suddenly called Lo Lhe offlce. My moLher was
Lhere, walLlng Lo plck me up. l goL lnLo her car, and Lhe Lhree of us drove ouL of my school and parked on
Lhe slde of Shoup Avenue. She Lold us Lhe dlre news. !ames's moLher, klm Lllls, had [usL passed away
from breasL cancer. l crled for a blL. klm was a very klnd-hearLed person, and Lhe moLher of my besL
frlend. She had been sufferlng from breasL cancer for several years, buL l never LhoughL she would dle
from lL. l lmmedlaLely LhoughL of how !ames musL be feellng. Pe [usL losL hls own moLher! lL made me
Lhlnk of how horrlble l would feel lf Lhe same Lhlng happened Lo my own moLher, [usL Lhe LhoughL alone
fllled me wlLh paln.
1here was Lo be a geL-LogeLher of famlly frlends aL !ames's house LhaL nlghL, ln honor of klm. Cn Lhe
way, l LhoughL abouL how l would approach !ames on Lhe sub[ecL. 1he amounL of grlef he musL be
feellng. l couldn'L even lmaglne lL. 1he lasL slmllar experlence was Lhe deaLh of my grandfaLher, and l
was only four years old Lhen. When we arrlved, l looked for !ames, and found hlm slLLlng ln hls room. l
genLly offered my deepesL condolences for hls loss. Pe remalned very sLrong, obvlously hldlng hls
emoLlons. Pe looked very sad, ln an exLremely sLolc sorL of way. Pe Lold me he fully accepLed whaL had
happened, LhaL hls moLher was dead and LhaL was Lhe end of lL. 1haL was all we spoke on Lhe maLLer.
We Lrled noL Lo Lhlnk abouL lL for Lhe resL of Lhe nlghL, and laLer on l played Lag ln hls backyard wlLh hlm
and some of hls frlends.

l remalned very shy durlng my SlxLh Crade year, and l would always be labeled as a quleL kld. l wasn'L
able Lo esLabllsh any frlends LhaL l could have playdaLes wlLh, so Lhe only playdaLes l had was wlLh old
frlends from 1opanga LlemenLary. 1hls fllled ln Lhe soclal vold, and l was conLenL wlLh lL.
l Lrled my besL Lo lmprove my soclal slLuaLlon durlng school Llme. A few glrls conLlnued Lo pay
aLLenLlon Lo me, saylng hl as l walked by Lhem and occaslonally glvlng me hugs, buL l felL blLLer aL Lhe
facL LhaL l wasn'L able Lo Lruly hang ouL wlLh Lhem llke Lhe popular boys were dolng.
ln order Lo noL be seen as a compleLe loner aL school, l ended up maklng frlends wlLh a kld named
Connor Panrahan. Connor was noL a popular kld, because glrls dldn'L llke hlm. uesplLe Lhls, he was one
of Lhe mosL pompous assholes of Lhe school, even more so Lhan any of Lhe mosL popular boys. Connor
was a Lrue bully. l sLarLed hanglng ouL wlLh hlm durlng recess and lunch, and we made a few [okes wlLh
each oLher and had a few good laughs, buL he would always push me around and acL Lough. l was so
Llmld back Lhen LhaL l dldn'L care. l [usL wanLed someone Lo hang ouL wlLh.
When l sLayed back afLer school one day, my moLher saw me wlLh Connor when she came Lo plck me
up. She has been concerned abouL me noL maklng any new frlends aL lnecresL, and l suppose she was
relleved Lo see me wlLh a frlend". She lnvlLed Connor Lo come over Lo my house, whlch he accepLed. l
was a blL heslLanL Lo lnvlLe anyone from lnecresL Lo my moLher's house, because lL was locaLed ln
Canoga ark, a bad area, and mosL of Lhe klds aL lnecresL were upper-mlddle class who would look
down on me for llvlng Lhere. 8uL l couldn'L back ouL of Lhls once my moLher lnvlLed Connor. Pe came
over and all wenL well, we played a few vldeo games for a couple of hours. 8uL afLer LhaL playdaLe, he
would always rlp on me for llvlng ln a poor" house. Pe would also Lell oLher klds aL lnecresL abouL lL.
1hls lnfurlaLed me Lo no end, and l would keep proclalmlng LhaL my faLher llves ln a presLlglous Lhree-
sLory house ln Lhe Woodland Pllls PelghLs. l became vehemenLly obsessed wlLh provlng Lo Connor and
everyone else LhaL l wasn'L poor. l wenL so far as Lo brlng plcLures of my faLher's house Lo school. l even
consldered lnvlLlng some people over Lo faLher's house, buL l remembered my vow of never dolng LhaL
due Lo Lhe posslblllLy LhaL anoLher lncldenL would happen wlLh Soumaya, llke Lhe one LhaL occurred
years ago.

lL was aL eleven years old when l flrsL sLarLed uslng Lhe lnLerneL on a regular basls. 1he lnLerneL was
sLlll consldered a new phenomenon aL Lhe Llme. 8efore eleven, l roughly knew how Lo browse webslLes
and use emall, buL once l fully lmmersed myself ln lL, lL really fasclnaLed me.
1he popular soclal neLworklng Lool aL LhaL perlod was ACL lnsLanL messenger, or AlM". l made my
flrsL AlM accounL on my moLher's compuLer, and she would leL have one hour a day Lo explore lL. l
[olned a few chaL rooms. 1he prospecL of Lalklng Lo sLrangers from a compuLer was new and asLoundlng
Lo me.
1owards Lhe end of slxLh grade, l sLlll hadn'L made a group of frlends who l could see ouLslde of
school. 1he only soclal lnLeracLlons l had ouLslde of school were playdaLes wlLh old frlends from 1opanga
every now and agaln. !olnlng chaLrooms Lhrough ACL Lemporarlly fllled ln Lhe soclal vold for a few
weeks. 1hls wlll deflnlLely noL be Lhe flrsL Llme l would Lry Lo flll ln LhaL vold wlLh Lhe lnLerneL.
Cnce l esLabllshed myself ln Lhe chaL rooms, l made a few frlends who l lnsLanL messaged frequenLly.
MosL of Lhem were ln mlddle school and some were ln hlgh school. l also Lalked Lo a few people l knew
from lnecresL over AlM.
Cne frlend who l meL Lhrough a chaL room suddenly emalled me plcLures of beauLlful naked glrls,
Lelllng me Lo check Lhls ouL". When l looked aL Lhe plcLures, l was shocked beyond words. l had never
seen whaL beauLlful glrls looked llke naked, and Lhe slghL fllled me wlLh sLrong and overwhelmlng
emoLlons. l dldn'L know whaL was happenlng Lo me. Was lL Lhe flrsL lnkllng of sexual deslre ln my body? l
was LraumaLlzed. My chlldhood was fadlng away. Cmlnous fear swepL over me, and l sLopped Lalklng Lo
LhaL person.

As Lhe SlxLh Crade year came Lo a close, l felL dlssaLlsfled and lnslgnlflcanL. lndeed, a whole new
world had opened up before me, and l had no ldea how Lo prevall ln lL. l sLlll wanLed Lo llve as a chlld.
l never esLabllshed any proper frlends aL lnecresL, and Lhe only playdaLe l had was Lhe one wlLh
Connor LhaL my moLher arranged, and LhaL Lurned ouL Lo be a dlsasLer for me. My moLher and faLher
boLh showed concern LhaL l wasn'L maklng any frlends, buL because l sLlll saw some frlends from
1opanga, Lhey dldn'L make a blg deal ouL of lL.
l conslder SlxLh Crade Lo be Lhe beLLer year ouL of Lhe Lhree years l would spend ln Mlddle School.
Clrls acLually pald aLLenLlon Lo me. 1hey knew who l was and l dldn'L feel llke l was compleLely lnvlslble. l
was exLremely shy wlLh glrls and could barely have a conversaLlon wlLh Lhem, buL l sLlll lnLeracLed wlLh
glrls more durlng Lhls year Lhan l would for any followlng year. 1he cool klds LreaLed me nlcely, desplLe
my repuLaLlon as Lhe quleL kld". l always felL llke a loser compared Lo Lhem, and l haLed Lhem for lL,
Lhough l sLlll wanLed Lhelr approval. l wanLed Lo be one of Lhem. l wanLed Lo be Lhelr frlend.
1he closesL l came Lo Lruly belng one of Lhem was when vlnny and 8oberL boLh lnvlLed me Lo Lhelr
blrLhday parLles, whlch were only a couple of weeks aparL aL Lhe very end of Lhe school year. 8oLh
parLles were aL SkaLelab skaLepark. l hadn'L been Lo SkaLelab for abouL a year, and when l walked ln, all
of Lhe memorles of golng Lhere wlLh !ames fllled my mlnd. l hadn'L even skaLeboarded for a whlle, buL
afLer a few mlnuLes on Lhe ramps my ablllLy came back llke maglc. 1hey were all qulLe lmpressed. l beL
Lhey LhoughL l would end up sucklng aL lL. l was happy Lo prove Lhem wrong.
lndeed, SlxLh Crade was Lhe peak of my llfe aL lnecresL. lL would only go downhlll from Lhere.

My moLher boughL me a brand new vldeo game console, Lhe xbox. l heard a loL of klds Lalklng abouL
how greaL Lhe xbox was aL school, so l was really eager Lo have one. l llked Lhe xbox much more Lhan
Lhe laysLaLlon 2. 1he graphlcs were beLLer and Lhe games were more Lo my LasLe. WlLh Lhe xbox, l goL
Lhe game Palo. AL flrsL, l found Palo Lo be very dlfflculL and l gave up on lL a few Llmes. l had no ldea LhaL
Palo would soon become one of my favorlLe vldeo game serles LhaL l ever played.

l was exLremely happy and relleved when summer came. Mlddle School was much more sLressful
Lhan LlemenLary School, boLh soclally and academlcally. Summer would provlde a well-needed break
from all of lL.
l sLarLed seelng some old frlends from 1opanga more frequenLly. Among Lhese were !ohn !o Clen and
Charlle Converse. Charlle wasn'L really one of my maln frlends aL 1opanga LlemenLary. l had a few
playdaLes wlLh hlm here and Lhere, buL noL LhaL many. lL was only unLll afLer llfLh Crade graduaLlon LhaL
our real frlendshlp began. Pe always had a charmlng and humble personallLy, and he was well-llked by
everyone aL 1opanga. Pe came over Lo my moLher's house a few Llmes afLer l goL my xbox, where he
Lrled Lo help me geL pasL Lhe hardesL level on Palo. !ohn !o and Charlle were very close frlends wlLh each
oLher, and evenLually l would sLarL Lo see Lhem aL Lhe same Llme.
!ohn !o lnvlLed me Lo hls faLher's aparLmenL ln Pollywood for a sleepover. l found hls aparLmenL Lo be
very dlngy, buL l had so much fun LhaL l dldn'L even care. Pe llved [usL across Lhe sLreeL from Lhe huge
SclenLology bulldlng. We goL LogeLher wlLh a group of hls frlends and snuck lnLo Lhe bulldlng's courLyard
aL nlghL Lo play hlde-and-seek Lag. 1hls was Lhe flrsL Llme l had been ouL havlng fun wlLh a group of klds
my age wlLhouL any adulL supervlslon. lL was very amuslng. When we wenL back Lo hls aparLmenL, we
played Conker's 8ad lur uay on Lhe nlnLendo 64. 1he nlnLendo 64 was a very old console aL Lhls polnL ln
Llme, especlally afLer l now had an xbox and a S2, buL l was enLerLalned by Conker's 8ad lur uay so
much LhaL l asked my moLher Lo buy lL for me Lhe nexL day.
!ames Lllls moved yeL agaln Lo anoLher house ln Lhe allsades. AfLer Lhe deaLh of hls moLher, !ames's
faLher ArLe qulckly made Lhe declslon Lo move agaln. ArLe renLed a small house on 1emecula SLreeL,
near Lhe renowned allsades 8luffs. 1here Lhey would remaln for a very long Llme, and all of Lhe mosL
slgnlflcanL experlences l would have wlLh !ames ln Lhe fuLure would Lake place Lhere.
AL Lhls Llme, Lhough, l wasn'L seelng !ames LhaL much. We slowly drlfLed aparL afLer we losL our
common lnLeresL ln skaLeboardlng. We sLlll consldered each oLher frlends, and we would sLlll see each
oLher occaslonally, almosL as a courLesy. 8uL our frlendshlp would be aL a sLandsLlll durlng our mlddle
school years.

l was en[oylng a lovely summer, buL suddenly my moLher sald LhaL l had Lo go Lo summer camp aL
lnecresL. 1hls was a declslon she made wlLh my faLher, because Lhey LhoughL lL would be healLhy for
me. l dldn'L llke Lhls one blL. lL was a lasL mlnuLe declslon. Cne momenL l was relaxlng and en[oylng my
summer break, Lhe nexL my moLher ls waklng me up early Lo Lake me Lo my flrsL day of camp aL
lnecresL. CraLefully, summer camp would only lasL for four weeks.
Summer camp aL lnecresL was locaLed aL Lhe LlemenLary School secLlon, and l recognlzed my old
klndergarLen class. lL was a mlx of mlddle school and elemenLary school klds, and l made a few frlends
wlLh some klds who were younger Lhan me.
AL Lhls camp, an lncldenL happened LhaL would scar me for llfe. 1he flrsL Llme LhaL l was LreaLed badly
by a glrl occurred aL Lhls camp. l was lnnocenLly playlng wlLh Lhe frlends l made, and Lhey were Llckllng
me, someLhlng people always dld because l was very Llckllsh. l accldenLly bumped lnLo a preLLy glrl Lhe
same age as me, and she goL very angry. She cursed aL me and pushed me, embarrasslng me ln fronL of
my frlends. l dldn'L know who Lhls glrl was. She was only aL lnecresL for summer camp. 8uL she was
very preLLy, and she was Laller Lhan me. l lmmedlaLely froze up and wenL lnLo a sLaLe of shock. Cne of
my frlends asked me lf l was ok, and l dldn'L answer. l remalned very quleL for Lhe resL of Lhe day.
l couldn'L belleve whaL had happened. Cruel LreaLmenL from women ls Len Llmes worse Lhan from
men. lL made me feel llke an lnslgnlflcanL, unworLhy llLLle mouse. l felL so small and vulnerable. l
couldn'L belleve LhaL Lhls glrl was so horrlble Lo me, and l LhoughL LhaL lL was because she 3,/&/# @/ as
a loser. 1haL was Lhe flrsL experlence of female cruelLy l endured, and lL LraumaLlzed me Lo no end. lL
made me even more nervous around glrls, and l would be exLremely weary and cauLlous of Lhem from
LhaL polnL on.
8efore summer camp ended, l saw LhaL same glrl hanglng ouL wlLh Cren Aks a few Llmes. Cren Aks
was one of Lhe popular klds ln my grade. l haLed Cren so much when l saw hlm wlLh her. lL made me feel
so lnferlor. LhaL Lhls glrl was mean Lo me and yeL she llked Cren. 1hankfully, Cren wouldn'L be
reLurnlng Lo lnecresL for SevenLh Crade, and l would never see hlm agaln. l wonder whaL became of
hlm. l beL he llved a good llfe.

l felL relleved when summer camp ended. 1haL experlence wlLh Lhe mean glrl rulned lL for me. Pell, lL
rulned a parL of my llfe. Whenever l Lhlnk abouL summer camp l would Lhlnk abouL LhaL glrl, and my
emoLlons would flare up.
My 12
Lh
blrLhday followed. l declded noL Lo do anyLhlng for lL. MoLher Look me and my slsLer ouL Lo a
!apanese resLauranL Lo celebraLe lL. 1welve seemed llke a blg number Lo me back Lhen. Cne more year
and l would be a Leenager. lL was hard Lo belleve.

MA G);-' <.*

lor Lhe resL of Lhe summer, l resumed my rouLlne of relaxlng and havlng playdaLes. l Lrled Lo forgeL
abouL whaL happened aL summer camp as much as l could.
!ohn !o came over Lo my house, where he slepL over for Lhe flrsL Llme. We played a few vldeo games,
and Lhen he Lold me LhaL he wanLed Lo Lake me Lo a place called laneL Cyber, a cyber cafe LhaL had all
of Lhe besL onllne C games. l knew noLhlng of Lhe sorL, buL lL was [usL down Lhe sLreeL from my
moLher's house. l walked Lhere wlLh hlm, eager Lo experlence someLhlng new.
1hls was my flrsL experlence wlLh onllne gamlng. laylng vldeo games wlLh people over Lhe lnLerneL
lnvoked a whole new level of fasclnaLlon ln me. 1alklng Lo people over AlM was fun and new, buL Lhls.
Lhls was Lremendous. l always loved playlng mulLlplayer mode on vldeo games when l had frlends over.
WlLh onllne gamlng, l could do lL whenever l wanL. l was a novlce Lo Lhese new games on Lhe C, buL l
goL Lhe hang of lL afLer playlng wlLh !ohn !o for a few hours. 1he games we played were uay of uefeaL
and CounLer SLrlke.

MoLher Look me and Ceorgla on Lwo llLLle vacaLlon Lrlps ln Lhe same week. lor Lhe flrsL Lrlp we wenL
Lo Long 8each, where we sLayed aL Lhe PyaLL hoLel. lL remlnded me of our llLLle Lrlp Lo venLura Lwo years
prevlously. We vlslLed Lhe Parbor and Lhe aquarlum. 1he Lhree of us really bonded on Lhls Lrlp.
We wenL home for a couple of days before golng on Lhe second Lrlp. lor Lhe second Lrlp, we wenL Lo
Legoland and sLayed aL Lhe resorL Lhere. 1he resorL was exceedlngly beauLlful, wlLh a huge swlmmlng
pool and spa. We meL up wlLh a famlly of one of Ceorgla's frlends and explored Lhe enLlreLy of Legoland.

When we goL home from our marvelous Lrlp, l had anoLher sleepover wlLh !ohn !o. Pe loved Lhe facL
LhaL l llved near laneL Cyber, so he would soon be calllng every week, asklng Lo come over.
l saw Charlle a few days laLer. Charlle was also famlllar wlLh laneL Cyber, and when Lhe Lwo of us
wenL Lhere, he lnLroduced me Lo an 8C game called ulablo 2. l dldn'L know whaL Lo make of Lhls game,
lL was llke an advenLure game slmllar Lo 8an[o kazoole and uonkey kong, buL much more maLure, wlLh
Lhe ablllLy Lo lnLeracL wlLh oLher players onllne.
lL was only a maLLer of Llme before l sLarLed lnvlLlng !ohn !o and Charlle Lo sleep over aL Lhe same
Llme. When Lhe Lhree of us wenL Lo laneL Cyber as a group, l had an absoluLe blasL. lL was one of Lhe
besL experlences of my llfe.

AL faLher's house, faLher would frequenLly lnvlLe hls new frlend Alexander 8ubenhelm over. Alex
8ubenhelm was a bolsLerous Cerman man who worked as a composer and llved ln Lhe 1op of 1opanga
communlLy. Alex had a son named Lukas, who was a couple of years younger Lhan Ceorgla. Lukas was a
very glrly and lmmaLure llLLle boy, buL l found hlm Lo be very amuslng. 1hey would come over almosL
every weekend LhaL l was aL faLher's, and become a blg parL of my llfe Lhere.

SevenLh Crade began. My coveLed summer break was all over. Cn Lhe flrsL day, l noLlced some people
l meL durlng summer camp sLarL school Lhere as SlxLh Craders. Cne of Lhem was aLrlck ulb, Lhe
younger broLher of Alex ulb. l would always vlew aLrlck ulb as an obnoxlous, rude louL. Pe was very
ugly Loo, and lL annoyed me LhaL he carrled hlmself around as lf he wasn'L a freckled, chubby-faced
lmbeclle.
l sald hello Lo everyone l knew from lasL year, lncludlng 8oberL Morgan and hls cllque of popular klds.
1here were also a flock of new klds who Lransferred from Lhe lnecresL ln van nuys. l was soon Lo meeL
Lhem. Among Lhese were Alfred Craham, AnLhony Clukov, !onny noone, uerek Clsen, CarreLL, 8afael,
and Ldward. 1hey already knew each oLher and always hung ouL LogeLher aL Lhe sLarL of Lhe year, buL l
soon noLlced LhaL each of Lhem soon lnLegraLed lnLo Lhe already pre-esLabllshed cllques of lnecresL. l
was [ealous LhaL !onny noone, an obnoxlous Mexlcan kld, lmmedlaLely became popular wlLh Lhe
skaLeboarders because of hls cocky aLLlLude.
Alfred Craham, a half-black boy whom l would have a seml-frlendshlp wlLh LhroughouL Lhe years was
lnLensely dlsllked by everyone, malnly because he was ugly and had a hablL of lnLenLlonally annoylng
people. Pe would evenLually become frlends wlLh Lhe skaLeboarders, however, due Lo hls lnLeresL ln Lhe
sporL.
My repuLaLlon as Lhe shy kld" conLlnued, and l sLlll dldn'L make any frlends who became close
enough Lo see ouLslde of school. l dld soclallze wlLh varlous groups durlng school hours, so l wasn'L a
compleLe ouLcasL durlng SevenLh Crade.

!ames Lllls sLarLed mlddle school aL aul 8evere Mlddle School as a SlxLh Crader. 1hough he ls Lhe
same age as l am, he was held back a year ln elemenLary school. ColncldenLally, he wenL Lo Lhe same
school as !ohn !o, Charlle, and a few oLher frlends from 1opanga.
AfLer Lhls polnL, l would sLop seelng !ames Lllls for a whlle. Cur frlendshlp became Lemporarlly sLale
and would remaln so for anoLher year. 1he only Llme we saw each oLher durlng Lhls perlod was when we
had famlly geL-LogeLhers. !ames's slsLer, Sage, ofLen came over Lo play wlLh Ceorgla, whlle !ames dldn'L
boLher Lo come aL all.

!ohn !o and Charlle sLarLed Lo come over every lrlday. 1hls would soon become a LradlLlon. lrldays
were always my favorlLe Llme of Lhe week, and Lhls LradlLlon made me always look forward Lo lrldays
wlLh lnLense eagerness. 1hey would be dropped off by Lhelr parenLs shorLly afLer school Llme, and Lhen
we would all walk Lo laneL Cyber and play games for hours.
AfLer a few of Lhese lrlday sleepovers, Charlle lnLroduced me Lo hls frlend Lll[ah. Lll[ah was
Lemporarlly sLaylng aL Charlle's house, and Lhe Lwo of Lhem were llke broLhers. l lmmedlaLely Look a
greaL llklng Lo Lll[ah, and we became lnsLanL frlends. Pe helped me beaL some of Lhe hardesL levels of
Palo. Lll[ah would Lhen come over wlLh Charlle and !ohn !o, and Lhe four of us became a close group of
frlends. 1hls was Lhe only Lrue soclal group l would ever have, and l had a greaL Llme wlLh Lhem.
We someLlmes hung ouL aL laneL Cyber unLll 3:00 ln Lhe mornlng, Lhe laLesL l had ever been ouL
wlLhouL parenL supervlslon. We would swlLch beLween playlng Palo aL my house, playlng games aL
laneL Cyber, or skaLeboardlng around Lhe nelghborhood. l brlefly goL back lnLo skaLeboardlng for Lhe
sake of en[oylng lL wlLh Lhese frlends. Cn Lhe followlng SaLurday mornlng, we would wake up by 9:00,
have breakfasL aL krlspy kreme and spend a few more hours aL laneL Cyber before my frlends were
plcked up by Lhelr parenLs. l would Lhen go Lo faLher's house for Lhe weekend, lf faLher was ln Lown.

My slsLer Ceorgla's blrLhday was ln november, and on LhaL day my faLher hlred a llmo Lo plck up
Ceorgla and her frlends from moLher's house. Charlle and Lll[ah came over, Lhough !ohn !o was absenL
LhaL day. When Lhe llmo reLurned, we all celebraLed Ceorgla's blrLhday aL Lhe house LogeLher. l
lnLroduced faLher Lo my frlends. lL was a very happy experlence.

When Lhe wlnLer break flnally arrlved, my grandma Ah Mah came over from Lngland Lo vlslL, and she
sLayed ln Lhe fourLh bedroom aL moLher's house. Ah Mah ls [usL llke my moLher, she always knew whaL l
llked and wenL ouL of her way Lo geL lL for me, [usL Lo puL a smlle on my face. She broughL wlLh her some
of my favorlLe Lngllsh chocolaLes, along wlLh her famous peanuL cookles LhaL l loved so much.

MoLher had a parLy aL her house, and a loL of famlly frlends came over, lncludlng Maddy and her
mom, !ames and hls famlly, hlllp and !effrey and Lhelr famlly, and a loL of moLher's old frlends whom l
hadn'L seen for a long Llme. Ah Mah, who ls a professlonal cook, made some of her speclal dlshes, and
we seL up a bouncy casLle ln our backyard. l lnvlLed !ohn !o, Charlle, and Lll[ah over, and we walked Lo
laneL Cyber for a llLLle blL, Lhen walked back home and had some fun on Lhe 8ouncy CasLle. !ames
never really llked my group of frlends. he Lold me he LhoughL Lhey were [erks. l suppose he was rlghL
abouL !ohn !o, buL Charlle and Lll[ah were always nlce people. Ch well, l never really llked !ames's
frlends elLher, so LhaL made us even, l guess.
l had a greaL Llme durlng Lhls parLy. !ames and Maddy were Lhe lasL ones Lo leave. Me and my slsLer
played wlLh Lhem for a whlle on Lhe bouncy casLle. lL made for an lnLeresLlng and pecullar experlence,
playlng wlLh boLh !ames and Maddy aL Lhe same Llme, my Lwo oldesL frlends. lL had been a long Llme
slnce l had seen Maddy, and lL would be Lhe lasL Llme LhaL we would ever play LogeLher as frlends.
8efore Lhe nlghL was over, we all Look a plcLure LogeLher ouLslde my moLher's fronL door. !ames made a
funny face for lL, whlle l sLood behlnd hlm awkwardly wavlng my hand. 1o Lhls very day, my moLher sLlll
has LhaL plcLure ln one of her phoLo albums.

Cne Llme when !ohn !o, Charlle, and Lll[ah came over for our LradlLlonal lrlday nlghL sleepover, we
meL up wlLh Armando and hls younger broLher Cus. l hadn'L seen Lhem slnce 1opanga LlemenLary
school. We had a good Llme skaLeboardlng wlLh Lhem aL Lhe church parklng loL near moLher's house,
and all over LhaL area. AfLerwards, we had some vldeo game compeLlLlons aL laneL Cyber.

My moLher Look me Lo waLch Lord of Lhe 8lngs: 8eLurn of Lhe klng ln Lhe movle LheaLres. l already
saw Lhe flrsL Lwo movles, buL l wasn'L a huge fan of Lhe serles unLll l saw Lhls Lhlrd one ln Lhe movle
LheaLres. WaLchlng LhaL movle ln Lhe LheaLres was such an eplc experlence, and l wlll always remember
lL. 1hough lL wasn'L as exclLlng as golng Lo Lhe red carpeL premleres of Lhe SLar Wars prequels, lL came
qulLe close.
AfLer Lhe movle, moLher and l aLe dlnner aL 1Cl lrlday's. When we goL home, as l was geLLlng ready
for bed, l heard a knock on my door. lL was Lll[ah asklng lf l wanLed Lo go wlLh hlm Lo laneL Cyber,
whlch l dld for a few hours.
1haL day marked Lhe lasL Llme l would ever go Lo Lhe movle LheaLres wlLh [usL my moLher, excepL for
premleres. Crowlng up, l always loved lL when my parenLs Look me Lo Lhe movles. 1he large screen and
loud surround-sound lmmersed me lnLo Lhe movle, and l llked LhaL dlzzy feellng l would feel when l
walked ouL of a movle LheaLre and enLered back lnLo Lhe real world. lL was always a remarkable
experlence.
Soon enough, Lhe movle LheaLres would Lurn from a place of [oy Lo a place of dread. Cnce puberLy
arrlves, l would sLarL geLLlng [ealous of all Lhe young couples or groups of boys and glrls who go Lo Lhe
movles LogeLher. 1haL day LhaL l saw Lhe flnal Lord of Lhe 8lngs movle was Lhe lasL Llme l en[oyed Lhe
movle LheaLres ln peace, wlLhouL fear of humlllaLlon.

Aslde from lrldays, l always meL my group of frlends aL laneL Cyber on Wednesdays, because Lhey
were charglng only one dollar per hour on Wednesdays. usually my moLher wouldn'L leL me play vldeo
games for such a long Llme on a weekday, buL she made an excepLlon for Wednesdays.
Cn one such Wednesday, Charlle lnLroduced me Lo Lhe game WarcrafL 3. lL was llke no game l had
ever played before. lL enabled Lhe player Lo bulld an army and baLLle agalnsL oLher players onllne. AfLer
Lhe flrsL round of WarcrafL lll, golng up agalnsL !ohn !o and Charlle, l was capLlvaLed. 1he game was so
much fun. l couldn'L help buL Lhlnk abouL lL every second for Lhe nexL Lwo days. When Lhe followlng
lrlday arrlved, we played lL for mosL of Lhe day and well lnLo Lhe nlghL.
My lnlLlally happy lnLeresL ln Lhe game WarcrafL 3 had an omlnous Lone Lo lL. 1hls was Lhe beglnnlng
of a long relaLlonshlp wlLh Lhe WarcrafL franchlse. ln less Lhan a year from LhaL polnL, Lhey would release
Lhelr ulLlmaLe game, World of WarcrafL, a game LhaL l would flnd sancLuary ln for mosL of my Leenage
years.

SevenLh Crade flew by very fasL. My school llfe was a conLlnuaLlon of SlxLh Crade. l mlngled wlLh
acqualnLances here and Lhere and behaved nlcely wlLh everyone. 1he dlfference ls LhaL l was havlng so
much fun ouLslde of school wlLh my frlends aL laneL Cyber LhaL l dldn'L really care abouL geLLlng popular
aL school or geLLlng aLLenLlon from glrls. l was en[oylng my very lasL year of chlldhood. My LwelfLh year
was one of Lhe besL years of my llfe, and Lhe lasL year LhaL l was happy. l'm glad LhaL l can aL leasL say l
made Lhe besL of lL.
l gave no LhoughL aL all Lo my fuLure, or Lhe facL LhaL puberLy was [usL around Lhe corner. l barely
even knew much abouL whaL puberLy was. WlLh puberLy, my whole world would change, and my enLlre
llfe would collapse lnLo uLLer despalr. l wonder how l would have handled Lhlngs lf l knew. lf was
prepared.

1hls summer was long awalLed. l was havlng Lhe Llme of my llfe, and once school was ouL l couldn'L
walL Lo spend Lhe summer relaxlng and dolng fun Lhlngs. l was relleved LhaL nelLher of my parenLs made
me aLLend summer camp. l suppose l had goLLen Loo old for lL. 1hls summer was mlne Lo en[oy however
l wanLed. lL was llke a coveLed Lreasure LhaL l could only hold for a few momenLs, buL Lhose momenLs
would lasL forever ln memory. lL was my lasL summer before puberLy. My lasL summer of lnnocence. My
lasL summer of Lrue happlness and saLlsfacLlon wlLh llfe.

l conLlnued my LradlLlonal lrlday sleepovers wlLh Charlle, !ohn !o, and Lll[ah. 8ecause Lhere was no
more school, Lhey would someLlmes come over on oLher days as well. l managed Lo beaL Lhe enLlre
game of Palo on legendary mode wlLh Lll[ah's help, an lmpresslve feaL.
hlllp and !effrey came over qulLe a loL as well. hlllp was always Lhe maLure and lnslghLful broLher,
whlle !effrey was Lhe wlld and funny one. Seelng Lhe Lwo of Lhem LogeLher always made for an
lnLeresLlng and exclLable mlx. 1helr moLher, kaLhy, broughL Lhem over on weekdays qulLe ofLen. We
drank a loL of soda, aLe a loL of candy, and played wlLh scooLers and skaLeboards around my moLher's
nelghborhood. l Look Lhem Lo laneL Cyber one Llme and showed Lhem some of Lhe games Lhere.
Cn Lhe weekends l spenL aL faLher's, we usually dld someLhlng wlLh Lhe 8ubenhelms. 1hey llved ln Lhe
1op of 1opanga communlLy, where we ofLen spenL afLernoons. l played wlLh Ceorgla and Lukas ln Lhe
swlmmlng pool Lhere, and belng one who admlres greaL vlews, l spenL a loL of Llme looklng ouL aL Lhe
valley. Colng Lo LhaL place would always remlnd me of my llfLh Crade graduaLlon parLy, a good
memory.

Soumaya Lold us exLraordlnary news. Cn one sunny afLernoon aL faLher's, me and my slsLer were
asked Lo come Lo Lhe dlnlng room for a speclal announcemenL. lL wasn'L announced by words, buL by
Soumaya lndlcaLlng us Lo feel her sLomach. She was pregnanL! She and my faLher were havlng Lhelr flrsL
baby LogeLher. l was golng Lo have a baby broLher.
l felL elaLed. l remember when l was a blL younger l always asked my faLher and Soumaya lf Lhey were
golng Lo have a baby, and Lhey sald Lhey would llke Lo. l sLlll felL surprlsed when lL was acLually
conflrmed. lL was LhaL warm feellng LhaL would envelop me when a good change happened ln my llfe. l
had no ldea whaL lL would be llke, buL l welcomed lL.
My sLep-grandmoLher khadl[a came Lo sLay wlLh us for a second Llme, malnly Lo help Soumaya
prepare for Lhe blrLh.

ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe summer, moLher Look me and my slsLer on a vacaLlon Lo Malaysla. 1hls was Lhe
flrsL Llme we would go on an overseas vacaLlon wlLh [usL moLher, and l was pleased aL Lhe LhoughL of lL.
We Look off on my 13
Lh
8lrLhday. l spenL my blrLhday on Lhe alrplane, a much more exclLlng blrLhday
Lhan Lhe prevlous few. We Lraveled on Slngapore Alrllnes, and Lhough we weren'L Lravellng flrsL class on
Lhls Lrlp, l found lL Lo be [usL as comforLable. 1he sLaff of Slngapore Alrllnes knew lL was my blrLhday, and
Lhey broughL me a cake wlLh a candle durlng Lhe mlddle of Lhe fllghL. lL was a very nlce gesLure.
We had Lo spend elghL hours aL Lhe Slngapore AlrporL. l LhoughL Lhls alrporL was such a pleasanL place
LhaL l really en[oyed [usL spendlng Llme Lhere. lL was all parL of Lhe vacaLlon experlence. 1he alrporL was
huge, and much more enLerLalnlng Lhan LAx or any alrporL ln Lurope LhaL l've been Lo. 1he Lhree of us
walked around and explored, wenL shopplng, vlslLed all Lhe common areas, and had a nlce meal aL one
of Lhe resLauranLs. 1here were a loL of forelgn candles and sodas LhaL l was curlous Lo Lry. 1ravellng wlLh
[usL my moLher and slsLer was a loL less sLressful Lhan Lravellng wlLh faLher and Soumaya. lL was
wonderful.
When we arrlved ln Malaysla, we meL up wlLh my grandma Ah Mah, my moLher's slsLer Mln and her
husband !ack, and cousln Lmma. 1hey were also vlslLlng Malaysla from Lngland. We all sLayed aL a Lall
hoLel bulldlng near Lhe beach. AfLer we unpacked everyLhlng aL Lhe hoLel, some of my moLher's relaLlves
who llved ln Malaysla came Lo see us. We had a blrLhday celebraLlon for me aL Lhe hoLel LhaL nlghL.
8efore l wenL Lo sleep, l pondered over Lhe facL LhaL l was now a Leenager.
l had a lovely Llme on Lhls vacaLlon. Cur hoLel sulLe was on one of Lhe hlghesL floors of Lhe bulldlng,
and lL had an exqulslLe deck LhaL provlded a vlew of Lhe ocean. uurlng Lhe Lrlp, we Loured around Lhe
lsland of enang, vlslLed CeorgeLown, wenL Lo a fun waLerpark, and had very dellclous meals aL many
exoLlc resLauranLs. !usL relaxlng and waLchlng movles aL Lhe hoLel was a [oy ln lLself. 1he vacaLlon was so
nlce LhaL l dldn'L even mlss my llfe aL home. 1he Lhree weeks flew by very fasL, and l crled a llLLle when lL
was over. lL was a good sadness.

l celebraLed my blrLhday agaln aL faLher's house on Lhe nlghL we reLurned Lo Amerlca. l was allowed
Lo have my very flrsL glass of beer for Lhls celebraLlon. l always LhoughL of alcohollc drlnks, such as beer
and wlne, as mysLerlous drlnks LhaL were forbldden Lo chlldren llke myself. laLher would leL me have
only a small slp of wlne from Llme Lo Llme. Pavlng my flrsL glass of beer felL llke a blg honor.
lor my presenL, l goL my flrsL cell phone. uurlng Lhls era, cell phones were llke a rlLe of passage for
klds my age. l always envled Lhe klds who had a cell phone. !ohn !o had a sllver SprlnL phone wlLh green
llghLlng LhaL l always coveLed. 1o flnally have a cell phone of my own made me feel so proud. My phone
was a sllver 1-Moblle phone wlLh blue llghLlng. l loved Lhe saLlsfacLlon l felL when l opened lL up and saw
Lhe preLLy llghLs.

MJ G);-' <.*

l en[oyed Lhe resL of Lhe summer as besL as l could. Cn Lhe flrsL laneL Cyber sesslon afLer belng back
from vacaLlon, l meL up wlLh !ohn !o. 1hey had Lhe new WarcrafL 3 expanslon avallable Lo play, and Lhe
Lwo of us Lrled lL ouL.
l had a sleepover wlLh Charlle and Lll[ah, and Lhey lnLroduced me Lo Lhelr frlend !ullan 8lLz-8arr. !ullan
wenL Lo 1opanga LlemenLary wlLh us, Lhough he was Lwo grades lower, so l never knew hlm beforehand.
l LhoughL he was very cool, buL a blL sLupld. We compeLed wlLh each oLher aL laneL Cyber. l conLlnued
Lo see hlm wlLh Charlle and Lll[ah a few more Llmes afLer LhaL.
ColncldenLally, !ullan's parenLs were frlends wlLh 8ob Lemelson, and l dldn'L know Lhls aL Lhe Llme. A
few years down Lhe llne, l would cross paLhs wlLh !ullan agaln aL one of Lhe Lemelson's parLles, where l
would splLefully envy hlm for belng so confldenL wlLh everyone.

When Lhe summer ended, l crled a llLLle. lL was such a greaL summer. l wenL on a vacaLlon, l saw loLs
of frlends, played loLs of games, and en[oyed llfe Lo lLs fullesL. Cf course, l dldn'L know aL Lhe Llme LhaL
Lhls was Lhe lasL good summer ln my llfe, buL l sLlll crled. as l always do afLer a [oyful experlence comes
Lo an end.

LlghLh Crade began on a very mellow noLe. lor Lhe flrsL couple of monLhs, l conLlnued on wlLh Lhe llfe
l've been llvlng, and Lhlngs seemed ok. 1he maln people l hung ouL wlLh aL school were Alfred Craham,
Cavln uowd, and 8rlce Mlller. Alfred was [usL geLLlng good aL skaLeboardlng, and he was sLarLlng Lo
become popular wlLh Lhe skaLeboarders. Pe once broughL hls skaLeboard Lo school and landed a klckfllp,
Lhe move l was never able Lo masLer ln Lhe pasL. l was secreLly [ealous, even Lhough l lnslsLed Lo
everyone LhaL l was no longer lnLeresLed ln skaLeboardlng.
l sLarLed Lo Lake more noLlce of Lhe klds ln lower grades, speclflcally Lhe SevenLh Craders. 1here was
one who came ln from 1opanga LlemenLary, Lhe older broLher of one of Ceorgla's frlends. Pls name was
nell uavls. l observed Lhe popular klds of SevenLh Crade... ln a way Lhey vlsually mlmlcked Lhe popular
klds of my own grade. 1hey were all Lhe same, Lhough Lhe SevenLh Craders seemed a loL meaner. l
noLlced LhaL nell uavls was sLarLlng Lo be frlends wlLh Lhem, even wlLh Lhe preLLy glrls. l would gradually
develop a greaL envy Lowards hlm. AnoLher one was Lucky 8adley, Lhe black kld l played wlLh ln faLher's
nelghborhood. Pe Lransferred Lo lnecresL durlng LhaL very year, and he lmmedlaLely became popular
wlLh Lhe preLLy glrls of hls grade. l haLed hlm for lL.
1hlngs were geLLlng more lnLense every year we grew older, and l dldn'L wanL Lo grow up. l wanLed Lo
llve Lhe llfe l was comforLable wlLh. l wanLed Lo llve ln a world of falrness, and l Lrled noL Lo accepL LhaL lL
would soon come Lo an end.

1he games l en[oyed playlng aL laneL Cyber were Loo powerful Lo run on my moLher's compuLer, so
laneL Cyber was Lhe only place l could play Lhem. 1haL was unLll l asked my faLher Lo buy me WarcrafL 3
Lo lnsLall on hls powerful lapLop. l goL Lhe lrozen 1hrone expanslon Lo go wlLh lL, and once lL was
lnsLalled l was able Lo play lL on hls lapLop whenever he allowed me Lo. l LhoughL lL was really cool Lo
acLually play an onllne game from my own home. laLher's house became a loL more fun afLer Lhls,
Lhough l haLed lL when Soumaya seL llmlLs on my playLlme.
When faLher lnvlLed Lhe 8ubenhelms over, Alex someLlmes broughL hls frlends Cary and AnL[e 1wlnn.
1hey had a son named vlncenL, who was Lhe same age as my slsLer and a good frlend of Lukas. vlncenL
was a klnd-hearLed and sweeL llLLle boy who was a blL overwelghL. l showed hlm WarcrafL 3 on my
faLher's compuLer. Pe was very lnLeresLed ln Lhe game, and he would waLch me for hours. Pe really
looked up Lo me. We goL along well.
Cne day, l was looklng up Lhlngs on Lhe lnLerneL abouL WarcrafL 3. 1haL ls when l found ouL abouL a
new, revoluLlonary WarcrafL game comlng ouL, called World of WarcrafL. l dldn'L Lhlnk much of lL aL Lhe
Llme, lgnoranL of Lhe effecL lL would have on me ln my laLer llfe.

Cradually, my frlendshlp wlLh !ohn !o, Charlle, and Lll[ah sLarLed Lo wane. 1hey no longer came over
as a group anymore. Cur usual lrlday sleepovers sLopped happenlng, as Lhey goL more busy wlLh oLher
Lhlngs. !ohn !o and Charlle slowly sLarLed Lo geL bored of laneL Cyber, whlch caused Lhem Lo lose Lhelr
lnLeresL ln comlng over every week. l conLlnued Lo see Lhem lndlvldually, someLlmes l would see Charlle
and Lll[ah LogeLher, someLlmes [usL Lll[ah, and someLlmes [usL !ohn !o.
uue Lo Lhem comlng over less ofLen, l began Lo walk Lo laneL Cyber alone. l never dld Lhls before,
because my frlends came over so much and we would go LogeLher. l would usually play ulablo 2 or
WarcrafL 3 Lhere. lor a Llme, l dld Lhls as a rouLlne wlLhouL geLLlng bored. SomeLlmes l would meeL !ohn
!o Lhere and we would have lnLense WarcrafL 3 compeLlLlons wlLh each oLher.
AfLer a few more weeks lnLo auLumn, l began Lo geL a blL depressed over Lhe facL LhaL Lhe good Llmes
l had wlLh my maln group of frlends was fadlng away. l sLarLed Lo walk Lo laneL Cyber alone [usL Lo
remlnlsce such Llmes. SomeLlmes l would sLay Lhere for hours lnLo Lhe nlghL. l never LhoughL l would geL
bored of Lhe hlghly enLerLalnlng games Lhere, buL afLer playlng Lhem so much on my own, l was
surprlsed LhaL l was geLLlng a blL bored. Cood Llmes always come Lo an end, and l always had a hard
Llme accepLlng Lhls facL.

Cne Llme whlle l was alone aL laneL Cyber, l saw an older Leenager waLchlng pornography. l saw ln
deLall a vldeo of a man havlng sex wlLh a hoL glrl. 1he vldeo showed hlm sLlck hls penls lnslde a glrl's
vaglna. l dldn'L know anyLhlng abouL sex aL Lhe Llme. l barely even knew whaL sex was. l was slowly
sLarLlng Lo develop sexual feellngs for hoL glrls, buL l dldn'L know whaL Lo do wlLh Lhem. 1o see Lhls vldeo
really LraumaLlzed me. l had no ldea whaL l was seelng. l couldn'L lmaglne human belngs dolng such
Lhlngs wlLh each oLher. 1he slghL was shocklng, LraumaLlzlng, and arouslng. All of Lhese feellngs mlxed
LogeLher Look a greaL Loll on me. l walked home and crled by myself for a blL. l felL Loo gullLy abouL whaL
l saw Lo Lalk Lo my parenLs abouL lL. l was qulLe shaken for a few days.
1hls was among Lhe very flrsL gllmpses l had of sex. llndlng ouL abouL sex ls one of Lhe Lhlngs LhaL
Lruly desLroyed my enLlre llfe. Sex. Lhe very word fllls me wlLh haLe. Cnce l hlL puberLy, l would always
wanL lL, llke any oLher boy. l would always hunger for lL, l would always coveL lL, l would always fanLaslze
abouL lL. 8uL l would never geL lL. noL geLLlng any sex ls whaL wlll shape Lhe very foundaLlon of my
mlserable youLh. 1hls was a very dark day.
Soon enough, l would lnevlLably flnd ouL abouL whaL sex was, wheLher l saw LhaL foul vldeo or noL.
8oys aL my school sLarLed Lalklng abouL lL. Connor Panrahan and hls frlend !ordan CarlLon one day Lold
me exacLly whaL happens when a man and a woman have sex. llndlng ouL abouL sex was [usL Lhe
beglnnlng of my horrlflc downfall.

My faLher and moLher arranged Lo change our rouLlne back Lo one-week, one-week. laLher wanLed Lo
spend more Llme wlLh us, and lL was agreed LhaL Lhls would be Lhe way. l was angry abouL Lhls, because l
felL saLlsfled wlLh Lhe way Lhlngs were. lf lL wenL back Lo one-week, one-week, l would have Lo spend
Llme aL faLher's even lf faLher wasn'L Lhere, and l haLed LhaL. l dldn'L see how lL enabled faLher Lo spend
more Llme wlLh us, because he was always golng away for work anyway. 8uL alas, l had no cholce ln Lhe
maLLer, and Lhe arrangemenL was seL. 1hls ls how lL would remaln from LhaL polnL on... My llvlng
arrangemenL wouldn'L change agaln unLll l Lurn 18 and Soumaya klcks me ouL.

When ChrlsLmas came, l Lold faLher LhaL l would llke a new compuLer game. laLher Look me ouL
shopplng for my new presenL. We flrsL wenL Lo Comp uSA on vlcLory 8oulevard, buL Lhey dldn'L have a
large selecLlon of games. l was on Lhe verge of [usL chooslng Lo buy ulablo 2, a game l had already spenL
hours on aL laneL Cyber. 8uL Lhen, l declded LhaL slnce 8esL 8uy was [usL across Lhe sLreeL, we should go
and have a look aL Lhe games Lhere.
AL 8esL 8uy, l saw Lhe game World of WarcrafL. lL had [usL come ouL a few weeks ago. l plcked up Lhe
box and looked aL lL for a few mlnuLes. 1he game looked amazlng and allurlng, so l declded Lo choose
World of WarcrafL as my ChrlsLmas presenL. l spenL more Llme looklng lL over and readlng abouL lL on
Lhe way home.
1he only compuLer l could play World of WarcrafL on was faLher's lapLop, buL faLher was always uslng
hls lapLop for work. l had Lo walL a long Llme Lo geL a chance Lo play lL. AfLer readlng Lhe game manual, l
goL exLremely exclLed Lo play lL. lL was a whole new Lype of game for me, an MMC8C LhaL would
enable me Lo make my own characLer ln a huge onllne fanLasy world, and lL was a world l was already
famlllar wlLh Lhrough playlng WarcrafL 3. 1hls game was a hundred Llmes blgger Lhan any game l've
played ln Lhe pasL. 1he more l read abouL Lhe game, Lhe more anLlclpaLed l became.
AfLer almosL a monLh wenL by afLer geLLlng World of WarcrafL, l was flnally able Lo play lL. l made a
WoW accounL wlLh my faLher, and Lhen l creaLed my flrsL characLer, a nlghL elf druld. lL really blew my
mlnd. My flrsL experlence wlLh WoW was llke sLepplng lnLo anoLher world of exclLemenL and advenLure.
lL was a vldeo game world, buL Lhey made lL so reallsLlc LhaL lL was llke llvlng anoLher llfe, a more exclLlng
llfe. My llfe was geLLlng more and more depresslng aL LhaL polnL, and WoW would flll ln Lhe vold. lL felL
refreshlng and rellevlng. l was only able Lo play lL for a few hours for my flrsL sesslon. lL was all l would
Lhlnk abouL when l wasn'L able Lo play lL.

MoLher dldn'L have a good enough compuLer Lo run World of WarcrafL, so l felL a blL frusLraLed
because of LhaL. l LhoughL of how awesome lL would be lf laneL Cyber had Lhe game, buL l doubLed LhaL
lL dld. Cne afLernoon, l walked Lo laneL Cyber wlLh my WoW dlsks and asked Lhem lf Lhey can lnsLall my
dlsks onLo one of Lhelr compuLers. 1he owner Lold me Lhe game was already belng lnsLalled, and l was
Lhrllled Lo hear Lhose words. lL wasn'L ready yeL, however, and l had Lo walL. l kepL golng back Lo laneL
Cyber every day Lo walL for lL, and played oLher games Lhere whlle Lhey were sLlll processlng lL. lL was a
fun walL, and l knew l wlll evenLually be able Lo play lL. llnally, afLer spendlng Lhree days aL laneL Cyber
walLlng, lL was ready. l loaded Lhe game and logged onLo my accounL. l was compleLely ecsLaLlc. l spenL
all of my free Llme ln Lhe nexL few days playlng lL. 1he owner of laneL Cyber came Lo know me because
of Lhls serles of evenLs, and he named me hls besL cusLomer.

l lnvlLed Charlle over, and he came wlLh SLephen, an old frlend from 1opanga LlemenLary whom l
hadn'L seen for a whlle. l found ouL LhaL Lhey boLh had Lhelr own WoW accounLs, and we wenL Lo laneL
Cyber Lo play lL LogeLher. l made a new characLer on Lhelr server [usL Lo play wlLh Lhem, Lhough l would
evenLually dlscard Lhls characLer.
l saw Charlle only a few more Llmes afLer LhaL. Lll[ah was busy wlLh some llfe problems and sLopped
comlng over. !ohn !o slmply vanlshed from my llfe aL Lhls polnL, for no parLlcular reason. l can'L recall Lhe
exacL lasL Llme l saw hlm, buL lL was around Lhls perlod.

My moLher declded Lo move Lo an aparLmenL ln Woodland Pllls. l reacLed lndlgnanLly. !" '*'4-@/"-A
l had never llved ln an aparLmenL before, and l always LhoughL of aparLmenLs as belng poor and low-
class. l would be embarrassed Lo admlL lL Lo anyone.
1he aparLmenL bulldlng was called Lhe 8enalssance AparLmenLs, near Lhe Warner CenLer area of
Woodland Pllls. We moved lnLo a Lwo bedroom aparLmenL. MoLher knew l was Loo old Lo share a room
wlLh my slsLer, so she gave me Lhe second bedroom, and she and my slsLer shared Lhe masLer bedroom.
Leavlng Lhe blue house on Clade Avenue was hard. l had so many good Llmes wlLh my frlends Lhere.
And Lo move ouL of lL aL Lhe very Llme LhaL l sLopped seelng Lhose frlends. lL was qulLe emoLlonal. l
crled on our lasL day Lhere.
My moLher's new aparLmenL was noL walklng dlsLance from laneL Cyber, and l was a blL
embarrassed Lo show LhaL l llved ln an aparLmenL, so l sLopped seelng any frlends. Lll[ah was Lhe lasL
person ln Lhe group who l saw. l was aL laneL Cyber and he Lapped me on Lhe shoulder. lL was a
random meeLlng. 1he Lwo of us Lalked for a blL abouL Lhe new Palo 2 game, and l showed hlm my WoW
characLer. 1haL was Lhe lasL Llme l saw hlm.
LvenLually, l losL all conLacL wlLh Charlle, !ohn !o, and Lll[ah. 1he frlends l had such a good Llmes wlLh
for Lhe lasL Lwo years were no longer my frlends. 1hey were losL Lo me. l also sLopped seelng hlllp and
!effrey. Lhey slmply [usL forgoL abouL me, l assumed. 1he only frlend who remalned Lo me was !ames
Lllls.
1he upslde of movlng Lo Lhe aparLmenL was LhaL my moLher acqulred hlgh speed lnLerneL. l was able
Lo play World of WarcrafL on her compuLer, along wlLh Palo 2 on xbox Llve.
1hls was Lhe polnL when my soclal llfe ended compleLely. l would never have a saLlsfylng soclal llfe
ever agaln. lL was Lhe beglnnlng of a very lonely perlod of my llfe, ln whlch my only soclal lnLeracLlons
would be onllne Lhrough vldeo games, wlLh Lhe sole excepLlon belng my frlendshlp wlLh !ames. 1he
ablllLy Lo play vldeo games wlLh people onllne Lemporarlly fllled ln Lhe soclal vold. l goL caughL up ln lL,
and l was Loo young and naive Lo reallze Lhe severlLy of how far l had fallen. l was Loo scared Lo accepL
lL. 1hls loss of a soclal llfe, coupled wlLh Lhe advenL of puberLy, caused me Lo dle a llLLle lnslde. lL was Loo
much for me Lo handle, and l sLopped carlng abouL my llfe and my fuLure. l even sLopped carlng abouL
whaL people LhoughL of me. l hld myself away ln Lhe onllne World of WarcrafL, a place where l felL
comforLable and secure.

:;-( N
0(89O &7 (/) P,&*
=4) MJ?MH

!ames Lllls also acqulred xbox Llve wlLh Palo 2. l sLarLed Lo play lL wlLh hlm onllne, and our frlendshlp
relgnlLed afLer belng sLale for Lhe prevlous year. We would meeL up onllne afLer school, or on SaLurday
mornlngs. 1he Lwo of us baLLled on Palo 2 over Lhe lnLerneL, [usL llke we dld wlLh our nlnLendo 64
games when we were chlldren.
!ames would be my only frlend LhroughouL Lhe nexL depresslng and lonely perlod of my llfe. My
frlendshlp wlLh !ames helped me cope wlLh Lhe lonellness. 1he very few fun Llmes we would have were
llke a llghL ln Lhe darkness for me.

now LhaL l was able Lo play World of WarcrafL aL my moLher's house wlLh no llmlLaLlons, aslde from
school and homework, l became very addlcLed Lo Lhe game and my characLer ln lL. lL was all l cared
abouL.
l was so lmmersed ln Lhe game LhaL l no longer cared abouL whaL people LhoughL of me. l only saw
school as someLhlng LhaL Look Llme away from WoW. l became very bored aL school, malnly due Lo Lhe
facL LhaL l was sLlll Lhe lnvlslble quleL kld. 1o allevlaLe Lhls boredom, l sLarLed Lo acL welrd and annoylng
Lo people [usL Lo galn aLLenLlon.
l became known as Lhe welrd kld" aL lnecresL, and people sLarLed Lo make fun of me, buL l dldn'L
care. l had my onllne games Lo dlsLracL me from Lhe harsh reallLles of llfe LhaL l was Loo scared Lo face.
1he only Llme l dld care was when a group of popular SevenLh Crade glrls sLarLed Leaslng me, whlch hurL
a loL. Cne of Lhese glrls was MoneLLe Molo, a preLLy blonde glrl who was AshLon's younger slsLer. She
musL have LhoughL l was an ulLlmaLe loser. l haLed her so much, and l wlll never forgeL her. l sLarLed Lo
haLe all glrls because of Lhls. l saw Lhem as mean, cruel, and hearLless creaLures LhaL Look pleasure from
my sufferlng.

AL faLher's house, l was forced Lo change my bedroom Lo Lhe downsLalrs room LhaL 1racy once
occupled. My old bedroom was Lo be glven Lo my baby broLher. Soumaya was due Lo glve blrLh Lo hlm
very soon. l was qulLe annoyed aL Lhls. 1haL room was Lhe room LhaL made me so enLhuslasLlc abouL
movlng Lo LhaL house. laLher and Soumaya LhoughL movlng me was Lhe besL soluLlon. 1he new baby
would geL a room close Lo Lhem, and l would have Lhe much blgger downsLalrs room.
When l moved Lo Lhe downsLalrs room, l slowly agreed LhaL lL was Lhe senslble Lhlng Lo do. My new
room was Lwlce Lhe slze of my old one, l sLlll had my own baLhroom, and l also had Lhe hallway LhaL led
Lo lL. 1echnlcally, l had Lhe whole boLLom floor of Lhe Lhree sLory house Lo myself. 1he only bad Lhlng
abouL Lhls was LhaL l would geL scared Lo walk down Lhose sLalrs aL nlghL when lL's dark. Lhe llghL swlLch
was aL Lhe boLLom of Lhe sLalrs. l've always been afrald of Lhe dark.

Soumaya gave blrLh Lo a newborn baby boy, and Lhey named hlm !azz. lL happened durlng faLher's
week. Whlle faLher and Soumaya were aL Lhe hosplLal, Alex 8ubenhelm plcked us up from school and we
sLayed aL hls house ln Lhe afLernoons. 1hls occurred for Lhree days, and flnally, on Lhe day of Lhe blrLh,
faLher showed up Lo announce Lhe blrLh of !azz. We had a llLLle celebraLlon, and Lhe song !essle's Clrl"
played from Alex's sound sysLem. Whenever l heard LhaL song ln Lhe fuLure, l would always Lhlnk of LhaL
day.
lL was an exclLlng day. l acLually had a broLher. lL was hard Lo belleve. 1echnlcally he ls my half-
broLher, buL l would always Lerm hlm as my broLher. l wasn'L as lmpacLed by hls blrLh as l expecLed
myself Lo be, posslbly because l was so caughL up ln my own personal and emoLlonal changes LhaL l was
golng Lhrough aL LhaL sLage.
Sprlng break came up, Lhe flrsL break from school slnce l sLarLed playlng WoW. l consldered myself
exLremely forLunaLe LhaL l was aL my moLher's house for LhaL week. l dlsllked belng aL faLher's house,
because l had so many llmlLs on Lhe amounL of Llme l could play my game. Cn Lhe onseL of sprlng break,
l planned Lo spend Lhe whole Llme on WoW, levellng up my characLer and forgeLLlng abouL my horrlble
school llfe.
l lnvlLed !ames Lo come over Lo my moLher's aparLmenL for Lhe flrsL Llme. We played a round of Palo
2, and Lhen l declded Lo show hlm World of WarcrafL. Pe knew noLhlng abouL lL. l was very eager Lo geL
hlm lnLo lL. WoW was hls klnd of game, afLer all. Pe seemed very lnLeresLed.

We wenL Lo faLher's house for LasLer Sunday. Pe Look us Lo a parLy held by some new frlends of hls,
Lhe 1hompsons. Alongslde Lhe 8ubenhelms, Lhe 1hompsons became frequenL guesLs aL my faLher's
dlnner parLles. 1hey conslsLed of !ohn 1hompson, a successful fllm producer, and hls wlfe 1aLlana. 1hey
had Lhree chlldren: lsabella, Lhe oldesL daughLer, was Lwo years younger Lhan me, and Lhe Lwlns !osh
and Alessandra were Lhe same age as my slsLer.
Cn Lhe flrsL day me and my slsLer meL Lhem, and l belleve lL was on LhaL LasLer Sunday, we played
wlLh Lhem splendldly ln Lhelr backyard. 8uL soon, afLer Lhey came over a few more Llmes, l began Lo
have uneasy feellngs of nervousness and fear around Lhe Lwo glrls, malnly because l LhoughL all glrls
haLed me. 1he way l was LreaLed by glrls aL my school played a blg parL ln my resenLmenL Lowards all of
Lhem durlng Lhls Llme. 1hls resenLmenL would only grow larger Lhe more l am LreaLed unfalrly by Lhe
female gender.

MoLher Look us Lo Lhe premlere of SLar Wars Lplsode 3: 8evenge of Lhe SlLh. As a huge SLar Wars fan,
Lhls was a blg day for me. Lplsode 3 would compleLe Lhe whole SLar Wars saga. lL was Lhe mosL
anLlclpaLed movle. 1o be able Lo see lL before everyone else made me feel speclal. l really llked Lhe
characLer Anakln Skywalker, and l was amazed Lo see hls eplc LransformaLlon lnLo uarLh vader on Lhe
hlgh quallLy blg screen.
llnally havlng someLhlng Lo brag abouL, l Lold everyone aL school Lhe nexL day LhaL l wenL Lo Lhe
premlere because my moLher ls frlends wlLh Ceorge Lucas. 1he problem was LhaL mosL LlghLh Craders
LhoughL of SLar Wars as belng a nerdy" lnLeresL, and Lhey dldn'L really care. l was lefL frusLraLed and
dlsappolnLed by Lhelr reacLlon.

As mlddle school approached lLs ulLlmaLe end, l was havlng a mlserable Llme Lhere. l was exLremely
unpopular, wldely dlsllked, and vlewed as Lhe welrdesL kld ln Lhe school. l had Lo acL welrd ln order Lo
galn aLLenLlon. l was Llred of belng Lhe lnvlslble shy kld. lnfamy ls beLLer Lhan LoLal obscurlLy.
1he Leaslng l recelved was blLLersweeL. lL felL horrlble Lo be Leased and bullled. lL caused me a loL of
paln and anger. buL aL Lhe same Llme l goL a klck ouL of geLLlng so much aLLenLlon. lL felL good Lo be
confldenL enough Lo plck flghLs wlLh Lhe popular skaLeboarder klds. lL was elLher LhaL, or conLlnue Lo be
lgnored by everyone llke l was ln SlxLh and SevenLh Crade. l never knew how Lo galn poslLlve aLLenLlon,
only negaLlve.
My experlence durlng Mlddle School really darkened my vlew of Lhe world, and lL would only geL
darker from Lhen on, as l suffered more and more. 1he way l was LreaLed by glrls aL Lhls Llme, especlally
by LhaL evll blLch MoneLLe Molo, sparked an lnLense fear of glrls. 1he funny parL of Lhls ls LhaL l had a
secreL crush on MoneLLe. She was Lhe flrsL glrl l ever had a crush on, and l never admlLLed lL Lo anyone.
1o be Leased and rldlculed by Lhe glrl l had a crush on wounded me deeply. 1he world LhaL l grew up
Lhlnklng was brlghL and bllssful was all over. l was llvlng ln a depraved world, and l dldn'L wanL Lo accepL
lL. l dldn'L wanL Lo glve any LhoughL Lo lL. 1haL ls why l lmmersed myself enLlrely lnLo my onllne games
llke World of WarcrafL. l felL safe Lhere.
l was so obsessed wlLh playlng WoW LhaL l never gave much serlous LhoughL Lo Lhe facL LhaL l would
have Lo go Lo Plgh School soon. As Lhe end of mlddle school neared, Lhe prospecL sLarLed Lo loom over
me more and more. AL one momenL l plcLured whaL my llfe ln hlgh school would be llke, based on how
Lhlngs have been for me ln mlddle school. lL was noL a brlghL plcLure. l dldn'L wanL Lo have Lo deal wlLh
Lhe cruelLy of glrls ln hlgh school, and l lmaglned LhaL lL would be much worse Lhan anyLhlng l've ever
experlenced. l begged my parenLs Lo send me Lo Crespl CarmellLe Plgh School, a caLhollc all-boys school.
laLher Look me Lhere for a Lour, and lL dldn'L look so bad. lL was a very presLlglous prlvaLe school. AL
leasL l wouldn'L have Lo deal wlLh any fear of glrls Lhere. We submlLLed an appllcaLlon. A few weeks laLer
l recelved Lhe news LhaL l had been accepLed Lo Crespl.

LlghLh Crade CraduaLlon was a nlghLmare. Lveryone was requlred Lo go up on sLage and speak Lo Lhe
whole audlence. We had Lo say our name, and Lell everyone whaL school we were plannlng on golng Lo.
1he audlence conslsLed of all of Lhe sLudenL's famllles, as well as any slbllngs or frlends who wlshed Lo
aLLend. 8oLh of my parenLs came, as well as Soumaya, khadl[a, my slsLer, and even my baby broLher
!azz.
lL Look place ln Lhe evenlng. As l llned up, l could feel myself shaklng. l was scared even Lo speak ln
fronL of a classroom. 1o speak ln a mlcrophone Lo hundreds of people was Loo much. l dldn'L undersLand
how everyone else seemed Lo be flne wlLh lL. l envled Lhelr bravery. When my name was called, l dldn'L
wanL Lo go, buL lL was requlred of me, and l pushed myself Lo do lL. l walked up Lo Lhe mlcrophone and
nervously sald My name ls LllloL, and l plan on golng Lo Crespl Plgh School". l heard my own volce ln
Lhe speakers and saw everyone sLarlng aL me. lL made me crlnge. l qulckly walked away for Lhe nexL
person Lo go up. lL was over. LlghLh Crade was over. Mlddle School was over.
l sald a few farewells Lo Lhe people l knew. Alfred Craham and 8rlce Mlller Lold me Lhey were golng Lo
Crespl as well. AL leasL l wlll know Lwo people aL Crespl on Lhe flrsL day, l LhoughL.
1he LhoughL of golng Lo Plgh School senL a shlver Lhrough me. l puL lL ln Lhe back of my mlnd Lo deal
wlLh laLer.
AfLer Lhe ceremony, l sald goodbye Lo Lhe prlnclpal, and she congraLulaLed me on compleLlng mlddle
school. Cn Lhe way home, my famlly seemed very proud of me. l dldn'L feel proud. l dldn'L feel llke l
accompllshed anyLhlng. Mlddle School, Lhough lL sLarLed ouL ok ln Lhe flrsL Lwo years, ended up belng a
dlsasLer.

lor Lhe summer break, l planned on spendlng Lhe whole Llme playlng WoW and forgeLLlng abouL
everyLhlng else. l reached Lhe hlghesL level on my WoW characLer: level 60. l acLually consldered Lhls Lo
be a huge and lmporLanL accompllshmenL. l [olned a gulld wlLh my characLer, and l made a few onllne
frlends Lhough lL. l couldn'L walL Lo play my characLer furLher, explorlng everyLhlng Lhe game had Lo
offer and collecLlng more armor pleces and LrlnkeLs.

ln [usL a week lnLo my summer break, my moLher Lold me LhaL faLher and Soumaya were golng Lo
Morocco, and l would be forced Lo go wlLh Lhem. 1hls news upseL me Lremendously. l Lhen asked how
long Lhls Lrlp would be, and l was Lold lL would be /,5)- &//B(. LlCP1 WLLkS?! l could noL belleve whaL l
was hearlng. l Lhrew a blg LanLrum.
lor one Lhlng, l was never enLhuslasLlc abouL Morocco. 1he counLry ls very backwards, and LhaL made
me very uncomforLable. 1hey dldn'L even have Lhe laLesL vldeo games. And Lo be forced Lo go Lhere for
elghL weeks? 1haL would Lake up Lhe enLlre summer and Lhe flrsL Lwo weeks of hlgh school. lL was even
longer Lhan Lhe lasL Llme we wenL, and l LhoughL -)'- was Loo long. l wouldn'L be able Lo play WoW aL
all for Lwo whole monLhs. 1he prospecL devasLaLed me. l begged my moLher Lo noL leL me go, buL faLher
and Soumaya lnslsLed on brlnglng me and Ceorgla, and my moLher was probably looklng forward Lo
havlng Lwo monLhs wlLhouL chlldren Lo look afLer. 1he declslon was made, Lhe plans were seL. 1hey
already had a plane LlckeL ready for me. l was golng Lo Morocco. l beL Lhey all knew l would proLesL
agalnsL golng, whlch ls why Lhey Lold me lasL mlnuLe.
1he lasL day of moLher's week was Lhe day before we would deparL. MoLher Look me and my slsLer Lo
a barbeque aL Lhe house of her frlends Alan and 8ebecca. l was very sad for Lhe whole day. l dldn'L do
anyLhlng aL Lhe barbeque excepL swlng on Lhelr swlng ln mlsery. When we goL home l played WoW for
Lhe very lasL Llme. l Look advanLage of Lhe few hours l had lefL on lL. My moLher allowed me Lo sLay up
unLll mldnlghL playlng. l acqulred a very nlce plece of armor for my characLer. l dldn'L wanL Lo leave lL.
When we arrlved aL faLher's house Lhe nexL day, l heard even more upseLLlng news. laLher had Lo
work for Lhe flrsL few weeks of summer, so he would [olnlng us ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe Lrlp. lL was only
Soumaya Laklng us Lo Morocco! l always haLed Lravellng wlLh Soumaya. She made everyLhlng so dlfflculL.
8aby !azz wlll be comlng along wlLh us, of course, and Lhe sLress of looklng afLer a whelplng baby whlle
Lravellng wlll puL Soumaya ln a bad mood. l was noL happy aL all.
As l expecLed, Lhe [ourney Lhere was a dlsasLer. 8aby !azz crled a loL durlng Lhe Lrlp, and Soumaya
wasn'L aL her besL of moods. We dldn'L Lake llrsL Class, and we had Lo make Lhree sLops, once ln
Mlchlgan, agaln ln arls, and yeL agaln ln Casablanca, before Laklng a small plane Lo 1angler. lL was a
mlserable [ourney, Lhe compleLe opposlLe of Lhe greaL Llme l had a year ago on Lhe Lrlp Lo Malaysla.
We Look a Laxl Lo khadl[a's house rlghL afLer we arrlved. khadl[a wenL home Lo Morocco on a dlfferenL
plane a few days before us, and she was already seLLled ln. AfLer unpacklng aL khadl[a's house, we
walked Lo Soumaya's faLher's huge house where l meL Ayman agaln. l remembered playlng wlLh Ayman
on my lasL Lrlp Lo Morocco. Pe grew up a loL slnce Lhen. 1o my dlsmay, he was Laller and sLronger Lhan
me, desplLe belng Lwo years younger. l was always shorL and physlcally weak. LhaL's how lL's been all
my llfe. We lnsLanLly became frlends agaln afLer caLchlng up a llLLle, and l played hlde-and- seek Lag wlLh
hlm and hls Lwo younger broLhers.
l dlsllked havlng Lo be ln Morocco for Lhe whole summer, buL l Lrled Lo make Lhe besL of lL. Ayman
made Lhe Llme l spenL Lhere more fun. We ofLen wenL ouL by ourselves Lo explore Lhe clLy of 1angler.
Ayman knew where everyLhlng was, and Soumaya LrusLed hlm Lo show me around. Ceorgla someLlmes
came wlLh us. We had a few good Llmes LogeLher, and we goL along well.
1he 1hompsons [olned us ln Morocco a couple of weeks afLer we arrlved. Ceorgla was happy LhaL
Alessandra, !osh, and lsabella were Lhere Lo play wlLh her. l was noL happy abouL lL. l was so scared of
glrls aL LhaL Llme LhaL l kepL my dlsLance from Alessandra and lsabella. l dldn'L wanL Lo admlL Lo Ayman
LhaL l was scared of glrls Lhough, LhaL would have been embarrasslng, so l [usL Lold hlm LhaL l LhoughL
Lhey were Loo lmmaLure. Pe dldn'L undersLand Lhls, because l myself was very lmmaLure aL Lhe Llme.
lor my 14
Lh
blrLhday, Soumaya organlzed a small parLy aL her faLher's house. MosL of Lhe guesLs were
her Moroccan frlends, and some of Lhem dldn'L even know LhaL Lhe parLy was for my blrLhday. l was a
blL annoyed by Lhls. 1hey had a cake arranged for me, and when lL was broughL ouL everyone gaLhered
Lo wlsh me a happy blrLhday. 1haL would be Lhe lasL Llme l spenL my blrLhday wlLh more people Lhan
[usL my famlly. l was amazed LhaL l was acLually fourLeen. lourLeen sounded llke such a blg number. l
dldn'L feel fourLeen. l sLlll felL llke a kld, and ln all appearances, l was.
laLher couldn'L even make lL for my blrLhday. l was a blL upseL abouL Lhls. Pe came a few days afLer lL.
Cnce he arrlved, we Loured around 1angler and a few oLher areas as a famlly. khadl[a and Ayman
someLlmes came along wlLh us. Soumaya's faLher owned a house on Lhe beach, and we usually wenL
Lhere for beach Lrlps. l caughL a vlrus whlle swlmmlng ln Lhe ocean once, whlch caused me Lo geL
exLremely lll. l spenL a whole week of Lhe vacaLlon ln bed, achlng and vomlLlng. l was never LhaL lll
before ln my llfe. Whenever l would Lhlnk abouL Morocco ln Lhe fuLure, l LhoughL abouL LhaL horrld
experlence.
AL one Llme Lowards Lhe end of Lhe Lrlp, when l had a sleepover wlLh Ayman aL Soumaya's faLher's
house, he showed me some Luropean porn vldeos ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe nlghL. l could observe Lhe acL of
sex ln much more deLall Lhan LhaL one gllmpse l had aL laneL Cyber. l dldn'L wanL Lo look, buL my
curloslLy goL Lhe beLLer of me. 1o see a vldeo of human belngs dolng such welrd and unspeakable Lhlngs
wlLh each oLher revolLed me. l couldn'L undersLand whaL l was seelng. And yeL, l noLlced l was feellng
aroused. l felL deslre Lo do Lhose Lhlngs, Lo have sex wlLh Lhe naked women l saw ln Lhe vldeo. lL was a
funny feellng LhaL overwhelmed my whole body. l could feel my penls geLLlng hard. 1hls ls when l
noLlced LhaL l was flnally golng Lhrough puberLy. >/'3/"( ('3/ @/.
1he Lrlp was way Loo long, and Lowards Lhe end l felL depressed and homeslck. All l wanLed was Lo go
back home and play WoW, and yeL l had Lo accepL LhaL once l dld geL home, l had Lo sLarL hlgh school
rlghL away. l supposed LhaL belng able Lo play WoW agaln would make up for LhaL, Lhough. And lL would
sure beaL sLaylng ln Morocco for any longer. l was growlng Llred of lL.

MN G);-' <.*

l felL a wave of rellef when we arrlved back ln Lhe unlLed SLaLes. We had Lo Lravel separaLely from
faLher agaln because he had a dlfferenL fllghL schedule, buL lL wasn'L LhaL bad on Lhe way back because l
was looklng forward Lo playlng WoW agaln.
l only had one free day before l had Lo sLarL school. When l goL back Lo moLher's house, l gave her a
blg hug. 1haL was Lhe longesL Llme l had been away from moLher. AfLer LhaL, l lmmedlaLely asked lf l
can go on her compuLer and play my game. l logged onLo my characLer, whlch was [usL Lhe way l lefL lL
Lwo monLhs ago. l sald hl Lo all of my onllne frlends and Lrled Lo caLch up on everyLhlng.

1he dreaded day arrlved all Loo soon. l had Lo sLarL Plgh School. School had already begun whlle l was
sLlll ln Morocco, so l would be Lhe new kld" agaln. 1haL made lL so much worse. My faLher drove me
Lhere on Lhe flrsL day. When we goL Lhere, l was lnLlmldaLed by all Lhe huge hlgh school boys, and l crled
ln Lhe car for a few mlnuLes, Lelllng my faLher LhaL l was Loo scared Lo geL ouL.
l had Lo go, and evenLually l dld. We walked Lo Lhe maln offlce where l ran lnLo 8rlce Mlller. We
greeLed each oLher before l was led up Lo [oln my flrsL class of Lhe day. Alfred Craham was ln LhaL class,
and he helped me seLLle ln.
uurlng lunchLlme, Alfred showed me around Lhe whole school. l sLarLed Lo feel a loL more
comforLable. Pe lnLroduced me Lo some of Lhe oLher freshmen. ln Lhe courLyard, l meL ascal and hls
cllque of frlends. l lmmedlaLely Look a dlsllklng Lo Lhem. ascal was cocky and popular, so l felL
lnLlmldaLed. Pe was llke Lhe Crespl equlvalenL of 8oberL Morgan. As l meL a few more people, l ran lnLo
keaLon Webber! l dldn'L expecL Lo flnd any more people l knew aL Crespl. lL really Look me by surprlse. l
hadn'L seen keaLon slnce he lefL 1opanga LlemenLary aL Lhe end of lourLh Crade. keaLon was sLlll Lhe
arroganL [erk he always was aL 1opanga, and he had hls own cllque of skaLeboarder frlends, such as
Andy Moussa and Aaron Amman.
As l expecLed, l falled Lo make any new frlends. l was so overwhelmed by Lhe bruLallLy of Lhe world
LhaL l [usL dldn'L care anymore. Cn Lhe very flrsL week, l had my flrsL experlence of Lrue bullylng, noL [usL
Lhe Leaslng l had aL lnecresL. Some horrlble 1welfLh Craders saw me as a LargeL because l looked llke a
Len year old and l was physlcally weak. 1hey Lhrew food aL me durlng lunchLlme and afLer school. lL
enraged me, buL l was Loo scared Lo do anyLhlng abouL lL. 0)'- B,"# 71 )744,92/C #/*4'3/# */7*2/ &7:2#
*7B/ 1:" '- ' 97+ +7:"5/4 -)'" -)/@ &)7 )'( D:(- /"-/4/# ),5) (8)7726 l LhoughL Lo myself.

AfLer Lhe flrsL few weeks of hlgh school, l concluded LhaL my Llme aL Crespl would noL be pleasanL aL
all. l wlLhdrew furLher lnLo Lhe World of WarcrafL, neglecLlng my homework and spendlng all of my free
Llme playlng lL.
As a laLe blrLhday presenL, faLher boughL me a new lapLop LhaL was able Lo run WoW. lL wasn'L a very
powerful lapLop, buL lL performed adequaLely. 1hls enabled me Lo have more Llme playlng my game.
uurlng faLher's week, Soumaya was always on my back abouL how much Llme l spenL on WoW, buL slnce
my room was on Lhe boLLom floor, secluded from Lhe resL of Lhe house, l was able Lo sneak as much
Llme on lL as l could.

Whlle l was playlng WoW afLer dlnner aL moLher's house once, l heard my slsLer waLchlng Lhe new
show AvaLar: 1he LasL Alrbender on Lhe Lelevlslon. l declded Lo check lL ouL. l soon found myself really
en[oylng lL. lL was a magnlflcenL sLory seL ln a fanLasy world where people can conLrol Lhe power of Lhe
elemenLs. Cnce l waLched Lhe flrsL eplsode, l was hooked on Lhe sLory. rlnce Zuko was my favorlLe
characLer, he was a banlshed prlnce who was Lrylng Lo regaln hls rlghLful place ln Lhe world. l always
relaLed Lo hlm. AvaLar: 1he LasL Alrbender became my favorlLe 1.v. show.

My moLher lnformed me LhaL she was [usL on Lhe phone Lo ArLe Lllls, and he Lold her LhaL !ames now
played World of WarcrafL. l was very pleased Lo hear Lhls. l could now share my greaLesL lnLeresL ln Lhe
world wlLh my good frlend. my only frlend. l Lhen wenL over Lo !ames's house for a sleepover, whlch l
hadn'L done for a whlle. Pe showed me hls WoW characLer, who was only level 20. We weren'L on Lhe
same server, so we couldn'L play lL LogeLher. 1he only way would be for one of us Lo sLarL over, and we
were Loo lmmersed ln our characLers Lo do LhaL. l was flne wlLh LhaL. !ames was really fasclnaLed by my
level 60 characLer, and mosL of Lhe Llme he would [usL waLch me play, anyway. We also played a loL of
Palo 2 LogeLher.
Pavlng Lhese common lnLeresLs wlLh !ames remlnded me of Lhe good old days when we were
chlldren, when we were boLh lnLeresLed ln skaLeboardlng, and before LhaL, okemon. 1hls nosLalglc
experlence provlded a small resplLe from my sufferlngs aL school.

My llfe aL Crespl goL even worse. Alfred and 8rlce apparenLly Lold everyone how welrd l was aL
lnecresL, and people ln my own grade sLarLed Lo Lease me. 1hey found ouL LhaL l dldn'L llke belng called
a skaLeboarder, and lL was Lrue. 8ecause l falled Lo become good aL skaLeboardlng, l developed a haLred
for Lhe sporL, and whenever someone called me a skaLeboarder, lL remlnded me of my fallure and l goL
very angry. 1he whole school sLarLed calllng me lL [usL Lo anger me, along wlLh oLher lnsulLlng names.
1hey Leased me because l was scared of glrls, calllng me names llke faggoL". eople also llked Lo sLeal
my belonglngs and run away ln an aLLempL Lo geL me Lo chase afLer Lhem. And l dld chase afLer Lhem ln
a furlous rage, buL l was so llLLle and weak LhaL Lhey LhoughL lL was comlcal. l haLed everyone aL LhaL
school so much.
lL goL Lo a polnL where l had Lo walL ln a quleL corner for Lhe hallways Lo clear before l could walk Lo
class. l also Look long rouLes around Lhe school Lo avold bullles. My parenLs began Lo conslder noL leLLlng
me conLlnue Lhere afLer nlnLh Crade.

When wlnLer break came, l felL llke l had [usL landed on a peaceful lsland afLer swlmmlng Lhrough a
horrlflc sLorm. lL was such a flne rellef. 1he break was Lo lasL for Lhree weeks, and l was sorely
dlsappolnLed LhaL Lwo of Lhem would be aL faLher's house, whlle only one was aL moLher's. l haLed belng
aL faLher's house because Soumaya became more and more susplclous of how much Llme l spenL playlng
WoW, and she would place llmlLs on my playLlme whenever she caughL me playlng lL. l wasn'L able Lo do
my flve-hour-long evenLs Lo collecL rare armor pleces for my characLer whlle l was aL faLher's house.
lL was durlng Lhls wlnLer break LhaL l experlenced my flrsL masLurbaLlon and e[aculaLlon. lL was one of
Lhe mosL pecullar and memorable experlences of my llfe. AL Lhls polnL l was offlclally golng Lhrough Lhe
sLages of puberLy, and l had loLs of sexual urges. l ofLen fanLaslzed abouL hoL naked glrls whlle rubblng
my penls agalnsL my maLLress aL nlghL. Cne Llme, whlle dolng Lhls, l felL an lnLense sLlrrlng numbness all
around my fully erecL penls, and lL exLended all over my body. lL felL maglcal and ecsLaLlc, and l kepL
rubblng my penls on Lhe maLLress. 1haL was when Lhe orgasm happened. l couldn'L belleve how much
pleasure l felL from LhaL. l looked down aL my penls Lo see LhaL my semen had poured ouL all over lL, llke
a volcanlc erupLlon of whlLe, sLlcky fluld. 0)'- &'( )'**/","5 -7 @/6 l LhoughL Lo myself wlLh nervous
exclLemenL. lL was llke noLhlng l had ever seen or experlenced before, someLhlng compleLely ouL of my
world. l felL really gullLy afLerwards, so l refralned from Lelllng anyone abouL lL.

l sLarLed Lo masLurbaLe on a regular basls. AL flrsL l only dld lL by rubblng my penls on my bed, buL lL
evenLually escalaLed Lo looklng aL plcLures of glrls onllne whlle rubblng my penls agalnsL my panLs,
fanLaslzlng abouL dolng sexual Lhlngs wlLh Lhem. l dldn'L know how Lo access any porn slLes, so l would
[usL browse regular webslLes unLll l found a plcLure of a hoL glrl Lo masLurbaLe Lo.
l developed a very hlgh sex drlve, and lL would always remaln llke Lhls. 1hls was Lhe sLarL of hell for
me. Colng Lhrough puberLy uLLerly doomed my exlsLence. lL condemned me Lo llve a llfe of sufferlng and
unfulfllled deslres. Lven aL LhaL young age, l felL depressed because l wanLed sex, yeL l felL unworLhy of
lL. l dldn'L Lhlnk l was ever golng Lo experlence sex ln reallLy, and l was rlghL. l never dld. l was flnally
lnLeresLed ln glrls, buL Lhere was no way l could ever geL Lhem. !"# (7 @+ (-'43'-,7" 9/5'".

1he boys ln my grade Lalked abouL sex a loL. Some of Lhem even Lold me LhaL Lhey had sex wlLh Lhelr
glrlfrlends. 1hls was Lhe mosL devasLaLlng and LraumaLlzlng Lhlng l've ever heard ln my llfe. 8oys havlng
sex aL my age of E7:4-//"? l couldn'L faLhom lL. >7& ,( ,- -)'- -)/+ &/4/ '92/ -7 )'3/ (:8) ,"-,@'-/ '"#
*2/'(:4'92/ /F*/4,/"8/( &,-) 5,42( &),2/ % 87:2# 7"2+ 1'"-'(,?/ '97:- ,-6 l frequenLly sLarLed asklng
myself. 1hls was an all-boys school. >7& ," -)/ )/22 &/4/ -)7(/ 97+( /3/" '92/ -7 @//- 5,42( -7 )'3/ (/F
&,-)6 l wondered. l hoped Lhey were lylng. l hoped agalnsL all hope. Pearlng LhaL really shook me Lo Lhe
core. Words cannoL descrlbe how much haLred and envy l felL for Lhose boys. 1haL haLred would only
fesLer Lhe more l suffer from my sexual sLarvaLlon. l was Loo scared Lo Lell anyone abouL lL, and l hld lL
well. for a Llme.

1hese recenL evenLs cause me Lo wlLhdraw even furLher away from Lhe world. l drowned all of my
mlsery ln my onllne games. World of WarcrafL was Lhe only Lhlng l had lefL Lo llve for. My grades aL
Crespl dropped dramaLlcally. l [usL dldn'L care anymore. l haLed LhaL school. l dldn'L Lhlnk abouL my
fuLure. 1he only Lhlng l gave any serlous LhoughL Lo was my WoW characLer. l had become very powerful
ln Lhe game, and l was ln one of Lhe besL gullds. WlLh Lhls gulld, l parLlclpaLed ln loLs of flve-hour rald
evenLs Lo collecL beLLer gear and armor for my characLer.

MoLher moved Lo a new house wlLh a swlmmlng pool LhaL she was able Lo lease for a falr prlce. She
plcked me and my slsLer up from faLher's house and Look us Lhere as a surprlse. lL was locaLed near Lhe
old blue house, Lhough ln a nlcer area. 1hls was on a day LhaL l had an evenL on WoW ln Lhe afLernoon,
and l was very concerned abouL wheLher or noL l would make lL ln Llme, so when we goL Lo Lhe new
house l dldn'L even look around and lmmedlaLely hooked up my lapLop Lo play WoW. l was -)'-
obsessed.

AfLer belng bullled so much ln LlghLh and nlnLh Crade, l became more shy and Llmld Lhan l ever was
ln my llfe. l felL very small, weak, and above all, worLhless. l crled by myself aL school every day.
1he very lasL day of nlnLh Crade was Lhe worsL. l was havlng .L. aL Lhe gym, and one of my
obnoxlous classmaLes named !esse was bragglng abouL havlng sex wlLh hls glrlfrlend. l deflanLly Lold hlm
LhaL l dldn'L belleve hlm, so he played a volce recordlng of whaL sounded llke hlm and hls glrlfrlend
havlng sex. l could hear a glrl saylng hls name over and over agaln whlle she panLed franLlcly. Pe grlnned
aL me smugly. l felL so lnferlor Lo hlm, and l haLed hlm. lL was aL LhaL momenL LhaL l was called Lo Lhe
offlce. When l goL Lhere, my moLher was walLlng for me Lo Lake me home. l crled heavlly as l Lold her
abouL whaL happened earller. 1haL was Lhe lasL day l ever seL fooL ln Crespl CarmellLe Plgh School.
Crespl was flnlshed. l LhoughL l could flnally relax. LlLLle dld l know LhaL Lhe worsL was yeL Lo come.

My parenLs shocked me wlLh very horrlble news. 1hey were plannlng on sendlng me Lo 1afL Plgh
School. 1afL had flve Llmes as many sLudenLs as Crespl, lL was a publlc school, lL had glrls ln lL, and lL had
a bad repuLaLlon. l had never been so scared ln my enLlre llfe. >7& 87:2# -)/+ #7 -),( -7 @/C '1-/4
B"7&,"5 &)'- % &/"- -)47:5) '- G4/(*,6 1afL Plgh School would eaL me allve and splL me ouL. l felL so
beLrayed by my parenLs.
Cn Lop of LhaL, Lhey Lold me l had Lo go Lo summer school aL 1afL very soon. l falled a few classes aL
Crespl and l had Lo make up for Lhem. 1he summer was supposed Lo be a Llme of peace and relaxaLlon.
1hls was Lurnlng ouL Lo be Lhe worsL summer of my llfe.
l wenL wlLh my parenLs Lo Lhe 1afL CrlenLaLlon evenL, and lL was a horrlflc experlence. l felL so
dlsmayed aL how large Lhe school was, and how lnLlmldaLlng all of Lhe Lall sLudenLs were. l even begged
my parenLs Lo send me back Lo Crespl, because l knew 1afL would be much worse.

l had a foul Llme aL summer school. l remember how l used Lo haLe lL when my parenLs made me go Lo
summer camp. Summer camp was llke heaven compared Lo summer school aL 1afL. l goL losL on Lhe flrsL
day. l was so Lerrlfled LhaL l hld ln Lhe hallways durlng break Llme. l spenL my Llme aL summer school
gruellngly walLlng Lo go home so l could feel safe playlng WoW.
My 13
Lh
8lrLhday was ln Lhe mldsL of Lhls summer school Lerm. l was so mlserable durlng Lhls perlod
LhaL l dldn'L even glve much LhoughL Lo lL. lL was so unevenLful LhaL l barely remember anyLhlng abouL lL.
l belleve l [usL had dlnner wlLh my moLher and played WoW afLerwards.

M@ G);-' <.*

H7F,8 ls Lhe word LhaL descrlbes my flrsL day of 1enLh Crade aL 1afL Plgh School. lL was a Loxlc
nlghLmare. Lvery slngle second of lL was agony. l conLlnued Lo beg my parenLs Lo noL make me go, buL lL
was Lo no avall. My faLher drove me Lhere, and l dldn'L wanL Lo geL ouL of hls car. Pe almosL had Lo drag
me ouL. l somehow found Lhe wlll Lo puL one fooL ln fronL of Lhe oLher and walk Lowards LhaL awful, ugly
fronL bulldlng.
1he flrsL week of 1afL was llvlng hell. l was bullled several Llmes, even Lhough l dldn'L know anyone
Lhere. AfLer belng so used Lo wearlng a polo shlrL wlLh khakl panLs as a school unlform aL prlvaLe
schools, l conLlnued Lo dress llke LhaL even afLer leavlng Crespl. l dldn'L glve any LhoughL Lo how nerdy l
looked. l was Loo wlLhdrawn, llke a LurLle Lucked lnLo hls shell. l was sLlll ln Lhe process of golng Lhrough
puberLy aL Lhe Llme, so l sLlll looked and sounded llke a Len-year-old. Such a persona aLLracLed zero
aLLenLlon from glrls, of course, buL lL dld aLLracL bullles llke moLhs Lo a flame.
l was compleLely and uLLerly alone. no one knew me or exLended a hand Lo help me. l was an
lnnocenL, scared llLLle boy Lrapped ln a [ungle full of mallclous predaLors, and l was shown no mercy.
Some boys randomly pushed me agalnsL Lhe lockers as Lhey walked pasL me ln Lhe hall. Cne boy who
was Lall and had blonde halr called me a loser", rlghL ln fronL of hls glrlfrlends. ?es, he had glrls wlLh
hlm. reLLy glrls. And Lhey dldn'L seem Lo mlnd LhaL he was such an evll basLard. ln facL, l beL Lhey llked
hlm for lL. 1hls ls how glrls are, and l was sLarLlng Lo reallze lL. 1hls was whaL Lruly opened my eyes Lo
how bruLal Lhe world ls. 1he mosL meanesL and depraved of men come ouL on Lop, and women flock Lo
Lhese men. 1helr evll acLs are rewarded by women, whlle Lhe good, decenL men are laughed aL. lL ls slck,
LwlsLed, and wrong ln every way. l haLed Lhe glrls even more Lhan Lhe bullles because of Lhls. 1he sheer
cruelLy of Lhe world around me was so lnLense LhaL l wlll never recover from Lhe menLal scars. Any
experlence l ever had before never LraumaLlzed me as much as Lhls.

l couldn'L do lL anymore. Cn Lhe mornlng before Lhe second week of 1afL sLarLed, l broke down and
crled ln fronL of my moLher, begglng her noL Lo make me go Lo LhaL horrlble place. l was so scared LhaL l
felL physlcally slck. l conLlnued crylng ln Lhe car on Lhe way Lhere, and my moLher gave ln. lnsLead of
Laklng me Lo school, we wenL Lo Lhe cafe aL Celson's ln Calabasas where we had a blg Lalk. l Lrled Lo
explaln how much l was sufferlng Lhere. She [usL could noL Lake me Lo school afLer LhaL. When we were
flnlshed wlLh Celsons's, she drove me Lo my faLher's house and Lold hlm abouL whaL happened. 1hey
agreed Lo Lake me ouL of 1afL.
l dldn'L go Lo school for a monLh whlle my parenLs declded whaL Lo do wlLh me. l Look advanLage of
Lhe Llme Lo resL and recover aL home, playlng my onllne games. 1he paln and sufferlng l had Lo endure
aL 1afL was all over, buL Lhe scars would remaln. l Lrled Lo forgeL abouL lL as much as l could. l Look a
deep breaLh and relaxed.

AfLer a monLh of recovery, my parenLs Look me Lo look aL Lwo conLlnuaLlon hlgh schools, whlch
operaLe llke home-schoollng because you only spend Lhree hours a day Lhere and do Lhe resL of Lhe
work aL home. Cne of Lhem was rlghL nexL Lo Ll Camlno Plgh School, Lhe oLher one was ln van nuys. My
parenLs preferred Lhe one ln van nuys because Lhey felL lL was more sLrucLured and organlzed. lL was
called lndependence Plgh School, and Lhey declded Lo send me Lhere.
lndependence was a very small school wlLh only Lhree bulldlngs and 100 sLudenLs. 1he Leachers were
all very nlce and undersLandlng, and lL had a relaxed and calm envlronmenL. l flgured Lhls was Lhe besL
opLlon for me.
A week laLer, l sLarLed golng Lo lndependence Plgh School. l dldn'L llke any of Lhe sLudenLs Lhere, as
Lhey were all slobs wlLh Lhe excepLlon of Lwo or Lhree boys. 1hls wasn'L a ma[or concern, because l
dldn'L care abouL havlng a soclal llfe aL Lhe polnL. All l wanLed Lo do was hlde away from Lhe cruel world
by playlng my onllne games, and lndependence Plgh School gave me Lhe perfecL opporLunlLy Lo do [usL
LhaL. l only had Lo be aL school for Lhree or four hours per day, and all of Lhe work was very easy wlLh
Leachers avallable Lo help me wlLh anyLhlng. AfLer Lhose shorL school hours, l had all Lhe Llme ln Lhe
world Lo do whaLever l wanLed, and l spenL lL playlng World of WarcrafL.
Cne drawback was LhaL l had Lo Lake Lhe bus Lo school because my parenLs couldn'L plck me up aL
such an early Llme of Lhe day. 1hough lL was embarrasslng, l dldn'L care abouL appearances anymore, so
l dldn'L make a blg deal ouL of lL.
1hls was Lhe perfecL seL up for a World of WarcrafL addlcL. AfLer school, every day, l fully lndulged
myself ln my addlcLlon Lo WoW. My only soclal lnLeracLlon was wlLh my onllne frlends and wlLh !ames,
who would occaslonally come over Lo my house Lo play WoW wlLh me.

My faLher's career as a commerclal dlrecLor hadn'L been as successful as lL was a couple years before.
Pe foollshly declded Lo lnvesL all of hls money ln hls flrsL feaLure fllm, a documenLary named Ch My
Cod". ln Lhe fllm, he would lnLervlew varlous people abouL Lhelr oplnlons on rellglon and Cod. 1o make
lL, he Look off Lo Lravel all over Lhe world for a few monLhs. uesplLe Lhls, Lhe one week-one week
arrangemenL remalned, and durlng faLher's week l had Lo sLay aL faLher's house wlLh only Soumaya. 1hls
frusLraLed me Lremendously, because Soumaya has always been a paln Lo llve wlLh, and she would
obsLrucL my Llme on WoW. l was hopeful abouL faLher's movle, however. Pe kepL Lalklng abouL how he
wlll become very rlch from lL, and l fosLered a hope LhaL he would become rlch. Pow naive l was. Lhe
movle would only bankrupL hlm ln Lhe fuLure.
Cn Lop of Lhls, l had Lo deal wlLh anoLher change aL faLher's house LhaL angered me Lo no end. l had
Lo glve up my lovely, huge, and luxurlous downsLalrs room. lL was all because baby !azz goL a new nanny.
Cnce agaln, !azz's exlsLence caused me Lo lose my room aL faLher's house. 1hls Llme, faLher made my
room lnLo hls new offlce. Pe spllL hls old offlce lnLo Lwo bedrooms, ln whlch l goL one of Lhem and Lhe
nanny goL Lhe oLher. My new room was much smaller, and lL dldn'L have lLs own baLhroom. My
downsLalrs room was Lhe besL parL of belng aL faLher's house, and lL was all gone. l sLarLed Lo really haLe
golng Lhere.

laLher came back shorLly for Lhe wlnLer break, before Laklng off agaln. A new expanslon for World of
WarcrafL, called Lhe 8urnlng Crusade, came ouL ln Lhe beglnnlng of !anuary. l was exLremely exclLed for
Lhls expanslon. lL added many new feaLures Lo Lhe game, new areas Lo explore, and ralsed Lhe level cap
Lo 70. lL was llke a whole new WoW game. l asked my faLher Lo buy lL for me as a ChrlsLmas presenL. l
can sLlll remember Lhe lnLense anLlclpaLlon l felL as l lnsLalled lL onLo my lapLop.

l declded Lo Lransfer my WoW characLer Lo Lhe same server as !ames, so LhaL we could play LogeLher
onllne and level up our characLers ln Lhe new expanslon. 1hrough dolng Lhls, l meL Lwo of !ames's
frlends from hls school, who also played on hls server. 1hey were Lwo broLhers named SLeve and Mark.
SLeve ls our age, and Mark ls a couple years older.
Me, !ames, SLeve, and Mark would Lhen always play LogeLher onllne as a group. l found Lhem qulLe
fun Lo play Lhe game wlLh, and lL was nlce Lo have some frlends Lo play WoW wlLh on a regular basls.
LvenLually, SLeve and Mark declded Lo make new characLers on a v server, whlch had play seLLlngs
LhaL were more Lo my llklng. l chose Lo make a new characLer wlLh Lhem. l made a blood elf characLer
LhaL l leveled up very fasL, and Lhls became my maln characLer ln Lhe game. !ames sLayed on hls old
server for a whlle, buL wlLhln a few weeks we persuaded hlm Lo [oln us on Lhe new one.

l had heaLed confllcLs wlLh Soumaya durlng every week LhaL l was aL faLher's house. All l wanLed Lo do
was play WoW, and Soumaya sLrlcLly llmlLed my playLlme. 8ecause my new room was [usL across from
hers, she knew whaL l was dolng aL every slngle second. She was breaLhlng down my neck Lhe whole
Llme. She kepL maklng me do chores around Lhe house. l desplsed dolng work around Lhe house,
especlally slnce we had a nanny who was supposed Lo do lL. lf l made a scene abouL dolng Lhe work, she
Look away my lapLop for a day or Lwo. 1hls was Lhe mosL horrlble Lhlng she could do Lo me, Lo Lake away
my only source of [oy lefL ln Lhe world. She someLlmes dld lL even when faLher was aL home, and faLher
dldn'L llfL a flnger Lo sLop her.

My flrsL year aL lndependence hlgh school came Lo an end very qulckly. noLhlng evenLful really
happened Lhere, and l barely lnLeracLed wlLh anyone. l would [usL go Lhere for my requlred Llme, do my
work, and go home. l was Loo absorbed ln my game Lo care abouL anyLhlng else.

AL faLher's house, ln Lhe beglnnlng of Lhe summer, l was lnLroduced Lo someone who l would haLe for
a very long Llme: Leo 8ubenhelm. Alex 8ubenhelm marrled a Cerman woman named karlna who had
[usL moved Lo Lhe u.S. wlLh her Lwo klds: Leo and olllna, who became Alex's sLep-chlldren. 1hey would
Lhen always come over as a famlly. Leo was 12 years old, and olllna was a year younger Lhan me. My
fear of glrls made me keep my dlsLance from olllna. She was a LoLal blLch anyway, and her aLLlLude
would only geL worse. She ls a Lrue represenLaLlve of everyLhlng l haLe abouL women.
When l flrsL meL Leo, l dldn'L Lhlnk much of hlm. Pe was only Lwelve years old. l [usL LhoughL of hlm as
Lukas's new older broLher. l had no lnkllng of how much l wlll envy and haLe hlm laLer on.
Soon enough, my [ealousy of Leo began Lo manlfesL. Pe had [usL moved Lo Lhe u.S. from Cermany,
and yeL he was already able Lo make loLs of frlends and had a greaL soclal llfe. Pe was Lall, good looklng,
blonde-halred, and a skaLeboarder, Lhe Lype of person l've always envled and wanLed Lo be.

Me, my faLher, and Lhe 8ubenhelms all wenL on a camplng Lrlp Lo 8lg 8ear. lL was [usL Lhe boys. We
drove deep lnLo Lhe wllderness ln my faLher's blg, formldable Lexus Suv. AfLer seLLlng up our LenLs, we
bullL a nlce flre Lo gaLher around and Lell sLorles. lL was qulLe fun, and lL made for a small resplLe from
my lonely llfe, Lhough l had Lo suffer Lhe presence of Leo and deal wlLh my [ealousy of hlm. Cne Llme
durlng Lhe Lrlp, my faLher made me Lake Leo and Lukas ouL explorlng. 1he Lhree of us covered a loL of
ground, and l Lrled Lo acL Lough ln fronL of Lhem by slashlng my knlfe aL any planL LhaL goL ln our way.

1he 4
Lh
of !uly of Lhls year was Lhe day l saved my llLLle broLher's llfe from drownlng. l wenL wlLh my
famlly Lo AnL[e and Cary 1wlnn's house, as Lhey always had a 4
Lh
of !uly parLy. 1he 8ubenhelms were
Lhere, lncludlng Leo and olllna. So was vlncenL 1wlnn, who had grown up qulLe fasL. 1he lasL Llme l saw
hlm, he was Lhe llLLle kld who looked up Lo me when l showed hlm all of my compuLer games. now he
was [usL becomlng a Leenager, wlLh an lnLeresL ln skaLeboardlng.
1he parLy was a pool parLy, and my broLher !azz had full exposure Lo Lhe swlmmlng pool. Pe had
already learned how Lo walk, buL he couldn'L swlm. AL one lnsLance as l was eaLlng lunch, l saw !azz
qulckly run off from Lhe adulLs, compleLely unaLLended. l Lhen waLched as he curlously examlned Lhe
waLer, and Lhen descended lnLo sLeps of Lhe shallow end of Lhe pool. 8efore long, he losL hls fooLlng on
Lhe sLeps and hls whole body sank lnLo Lhe waLer. nobody noLlced. >/ &'( 57,"5 -7 #47&", l LhoughL
wlLh panlc. l ran as fasL as l could, plunglng lnLo Lhe waLer wlLh my cloLhes sLlll on, and pulled hlm ouL. l
asked hlm how he was dolng, and he coughed up some waLer and Lold me he felL flne. 1he only person
who saw Lhls happen was a llLLle glrl who was swlmmlng ln Lhe shallow end. l saved hls llfe, and my
broLher remembers lL Lo Lhls very day. Lvery slngle second of my broLher's llfe, everyLhlng LhaL happens
Lo hlm ln Lhe fuLure, wlll exlsL because l pulled hlm ouL of Lhe waLer LhaL day.

l celebraLed my 16
Lh
8lrLhday aL moLher's house. She boughL me an xbox 360, whlch had [usL been
released. l dldn'L play lL yeL Lhough, because Lhe only game l wanLed for lL was Palo 3, whlch was seL Lo
come ouL ln november. l was really looklng forward Lo LhaL game. lL was supposed Lo be Lhe besL Palo
game of all Llme. AfLer l blew ouL my candles, l remember golng ouLslde and slLLlng by my moLher's pool
Lo conLemplaLe my llfe. SlxLeen. whaL an age Lo be. l sLlll felL llke l was Lwelve. MosL Leenagers wlll sLarL
drlvlng aL Lhls age. l couldn'L even faLhom myself drlvlng. 1he LhoughL of lL scared me.
!ames came for a sleepover shorLly afLer my blrLhday, and he helped me seL up my xbox 360. We
played a round of Palo 2 Lo LesL lL ouL. Pe dldn'L brlng hls compuLer, because he had a deskLop LhaL was
hard Lo LransporL, so l suggesLed LhaL we go Lo laneL Cyber Lo play WoW LogeLher. Cur parenLs
dropped us off Lhere and we had a good WoW sesslon. lL was nlce Lo see LhaL place agaln, Lo remlnlsce
of happler Llmes. l proposed, for nosLalgla's sake, LhaL we walk home for Lhe way back. My moLher's
new house was Lhree Llmes Lhe dlsLance from laneL Cyber as her old blue house, buL l really wanLed Lo
do lL. Cn Lhe way, we passed by LhaL llLLle blue house, and all of Lhe memorles came back. 1he Lwo of us
Lalked a loL, and shared some laughs. lL was a very memorable nlghL.

MF G);-' <.*

As summer's end drew closer, l became more and more depressed. My llfe had goLLen so lonely, and
playlng WoW barely made up for lL. My moLher noLlced Lhls and proposed LhaL l geL LogeLher wlLh hlllp
agaln. She called hlllp's moLher kaLhy Lo arrange a meeLup. And so hlllp came over Lwlce durlng LhaL
summer. l qulLe llked seelng hlm agaln. lL was Lwo years slnce Lhe lasL Llme we spoke. 1hough he had
no lnLeresL ln my vldeo games, he en[oyed playlng ln my moLher's swlmmlng pool.
l had one playdaLe wlLh !effrey as well. hlllp and hls famlly wenL on a vacaLlon Lo CaLallna, and
!effrey wanLed Lo sLay aL home. l wenL Lo hls house for a sleepover wlLh [usL hlm Lhere. !effrey had
changed a loL. Pe was now lourLeen, and he Lold me he had a glrlfrlend. l was shocked, amazed, and
envlous. l wondered how an lmmaLure braL llke !effrey could have a glrlfrlend aL such a young age. l had
Lhe dreaded susplclon LhaL he had already had sex wlLh her, and l Lrled noL Lo Lhlnk abouL lL. l was
deeply [ealous, buL for Lhe sake of our pasL frlendshlp and Lhe good Llmes we had LogeLher ln Lhe pasL, l
hld LhaL envy well enough.

LlevenLh Crade aL lndependence began. l sLlll Look Lhe bus Lo school, as l had no deslre Lo learn how
Lo drlve aL LhaL age. l was way Loo afrald of even Lrylng lL ouL. urlvlng ls someLhlng LhaL adulLs are
supposed Lo do, and l sLlll felL llke a chlld.
l conLlnued on wlLh my lonely rouLlne of dolng my schoolwork ln Lhe mornlng and playlng WoW wlLh
!ames, SLeve, and Mark for Lhe resL of Lhe Llme. l gave no LhoughL Lo my fuLure aL all. l [usL llved ln Lhe
momenL, ln my comforL zone.
My sex drlve was aL lLs peak aL Lhls age. Whenever l goL back from school, l had Lo masLurbaLe. 1he
urge was Loo sLrong. uurlng my masLurbaLlon sesslons l ofLen bullL elaboraLe fanLasles ln my mlnd LhaL l
had a hoL, blonde-halred glrlfrlend Lo have passlonaLe sex wlLh, almosL llke havlng an lmaglnary
glrlfrlend. l Lold no one abouL Lhls. ln facL, l dldn'L Lalk Lo my parenLs aL all abouL my sexual
developmenL. l felL Loo gullLy and embarrassed abouL lL. Whenever Lhey probed me, l lled Lo Lhem,
Lelllng Lhem LhaL l had no sex drlve. My moLher once caughL me looklng aL plcLures of glrls onllne, and l
franLlcly had Lo convlnce her LhaL l sLumbled on Lhose plcLures by accldenL.
l also noLlced LhaL my volce was geLLlng deeper. l was sLarLlng Lo sound llke an acLual Leenager. 1he
lasL sLages of puberLy were over.

Palo 3 came ouL ln november. l goL my moLher Lo buy lL for me on Lhe very day lL was released. l had
a loL of fun playlng lL whlle drlnklng Lhe speclal mounLaln dew flavor LhaL was released wlLh Lhe game,
MounLaln uew Came luel, lL was called. 1he game deflnlLely llved up Lo lLs expecLaLlons, and Lo my
surprlse l found myself playlng lL more Lhan WoW for Lhe flrsL couple of weeks.

laLher suffered Lhrough a deep flnanclal seLback because of hls movle. G7:2# -),"5( 5/- '"+ &74(/ 174
@/6 As a resulL, my faLher abrupLly cuL off all of Lhe chlld-supporL paymenLs he was paylng my moLher.
My moLher was forced Lo flnd a beLLer-paylng [ob Lo make up for lL, and she had Lo move ouL of her
house Lo a condomlnlum close by.
1hankfully, 8ob Lemelson offered her a [ob ln hls producLlon company, LlemenLal roducLlons. 1hls
new [ob enabled my moLher Lo make enough money Lo llve comforLably. We hadn'L seen Lhe Lemelsons
much slnce Lhe lasL Llme we wenL Lrlck-or-LreaLlng wlLh Lhem years ago. lL was good Lo reconnecL wlLh
Lhem.
l mlssed moLher llvlng ln an acLual house, buL aL leasL Lhe new place was a condomlnlum, wlLh more
luxurles Lhan Lhe aparLmenL we once llved ln. 1he condomlnlum had Lhree bedrooms, and my room had
lLs own baLhroom. 1he bad parL abouL Lhls condomlnlum was lLs locaLlon ln Canoga ark, a lower-class
area. l haLed Lelllng people LhaL my moLher llved ln Canoga ark. lL was hlghly embarrasslng for me. 8uL
alas, ln LhaL lonely and depresslng sLage of my llfe, Lhere was no one really Lo Lell, and l barely cared
abouL whaL people LhoughL of me anyway. l was a compleLe dork, sLuck ln my own llLLle world.

An exchange sLudenL from lrance moved lnLo my faLher's house. Pls name was Max 8onon, a
culLured, ouLgolng nlneLeen-year-old lrench guy. Pls parenLs are very wealLhy hoLel owners, and he
would be sLaylng wlLh us for a few monLhs whlle he sLudles Lngllsh aL lerce College. AL flrsL, l wasn'L so
sure abouL havlng Lhls young person lurklng abouL, buL we soon developed a good frlendshlp. Pe always
lnvlLed me Lo play cards wlLh hlm afLer dlnner, and Lhough Soumaya dldn'L leL me drlnk alcohol, he
would always sneak me a beer. lL was really nlce Lo have LhaL regular soclal lnLeracLlon. l became really
fond of Max.
ln [usL Lwo weeks afLer Max arrlved, we goL Lhe news LhaL Soumaya's faLher dled ln Morocco.
Soumaya lmmedlaLely lefL for Morroco, and she Look baby !azz wlLh her. 1hough l was really sad abouL
Lhe deaLh of Soumaya's faLher, as he was a very klnd and generous man, l was glad Lo see Soumaya
gone. laLher's whole household changed for Lhe beLLer. l sLarLed Lo love golng Lo faLher's house,
especlally wlLh Max Lhere. Pe was llke an older broLher Lo me.

My moLher became really close frlends wlLh Lhe Lemelsons due Lo her new [ob. Lvery year, Lhey have
an exLravaganL ChrlsLmas parLy aL Lhelr newly bullL manslon ln Lhe allsades, and we would now be
lnvlLed Lo lL. !ames also wenL Lo Lhe parLy, and l had a pleasanL Llme hanglng ouL wlLh hlm and noah.

uurlng one week aL faLher's afLer Lhe new ?ear, faLher had Lo leave for hls work. lor LhaL week lL was
[usL me, my slsLer, and Max ln Lhe house. 1he Lhree of us had a loL of fun LogeLher. Max Look us Lo
unlversal SLudlos. laLher allowed hlm Lo drlve Lhe blg Lexus, for whlch l was a blL [ealous. 1he lasL Llme l
was aL Lhe unlversal SLudlos amusemenL park was when l [usL moved Lo Amerlca. MoLher Look us Lo Lhe
unlversal clLy walk a couple of Llmes, buL never Lhe amusemenL park. l wenL on all of Lhe rldes, lncludlng
Lhe lnfamous !urasslc ark rlde LhaL l was re[ecLed from golng on when l was a chlld.
When faLher came back, we Lalked Lo hlm abouL our Llme aL unlversal SLudlos. Pe suggesLed LhaL we
all go Lo Slx llags. 1he four of us seL ouL for lL Lhe nexL day. Slx llags was Lhe blggesL amusemenL park
l've ever been Lo. l was awed by all Lhe glganLlc roller coasLer rldes. Max, my faLher, and even my llLLle
slsLer were all eager Lo Lackle Lhe largesL roller coasLers. l was Lhe only one who was scared ouL of my
mlnd. Max Lalked me lnLo lL, so l nervously gave all of Lhe rldes a Lry, and ended up havlng some fun.

1o my chagrln, my faLher declded Lo Lake up moLorcycle rldlng. Pe pulled up Lo Lhe house one day ln a
roarlng Parley uavldson, and l was compleLely baffled. l suppose lL was due Lo some mld-llfe crlsls he
was golng Lhrough. ! @7-748+82/I ;/'22+6 Alex 8ubenhelm goL hlm lnLo lL. Pe and Alex would Lhen rlde
Lhelr moLorcycles all Lhe Llme. Pe kepL lnslsLlng LhaL he Lake me on Lhe moLorcycle whenever we wenL
ouL, lnsLead of golng ln Lhe car. 1hls would be Loo embarrasslng for me, and l adamanLly refused Lo ever
go on Lhe moLorcycle.

l wenL wlLh moLher Lo Lhe red carpeL premlere of lndlana !ones and Lhe klngdom of Lhe CrysLal Skull.
1hls was my fourLh premlere. Colng Lo premleres were always an upllfLlng experlence for me. 1he movle
was qulLe a dlsappolnLmenL, however, and l much preferred Lhe classlc lndlana !ones fllms. 1he nexL
day, l Lold some of my Leachers LhaL l wenL Lo Lhls premlere, and Lhey were very shocked. l beL l was Lhe
flrsL kld aL LhaL school who has done such presLlglous Lhlngs.

Soumaya and !azz reLurned from Morocco. l was happy Lo see my baby broLher agaln, buL noL so
happy Lo see Soumaya. 1hlngs were a loL beLLer aL faLher's house when she was gone. Soon afLer she
came back, we sLarLed geLLlng lnLo varlous argumenLs agaln, whlch embarrassed me ln fronL of Max.

ln Lhe Sprlng, someLhlng horrlble happened LhaL wlll haunL me forever. We meL up wlLh Lhe
8ubenhelms aL Lhe Sagebrush CanLlna ln Calabasas, and a frlend of olllna's was Lhere wlLh Lhem,
named nlcole, a glrl around my age. She saL nexL Lo Leo Lhe whole Llme, and by Lhe end of Lhe dlnner,
Lhe Lwo of Lhem were maklng ouL. 1welve-year-old Leo was maklng ouL wlLh a glrl who was almosL my
age. noL only does Leo have a beLLer soclal llfe, buL now he was maklng ouL wlLh glrls, A1 ACL 1WLLvL!
1hey made ouL for a long Llme, and l could see Lhem Longue klss. 1hey knew l was waLchlng wlLh envy,
and Lhey sLlll dld lL. l beL LhaL lucky basLard Look greaL saLlsfacLlon from my envy. 1here l was, waLchlng a
boy four years younger Lhan me experlence everyLhlng l've longed for. Lo klss a glrl. Lo be worLhy of a
glrl's aLLracLlon. Cn LhaL day, l developed a vlclous haLred for Leo LhaL wlll never go away.
A few days laLer, Max wenL home Lo lrance, never Lo come back agaln. l was deeply saddened by Lhls.
lor Lhe brlef perlod LhaL Max was sLaylng aL faLher's house, l en[oyed llfe a loL more. Pe was a blg parL of
my llfe Lhere. Pe drove me Lo places when faLher and Soumaya were busy, we played card games and
had pleasanL conversaLlons afLer dlnner, and we always Look walks Lo Lhe Lop of Lhe hlll overlooklng
faLher's nelghborhood, whlch l called Lhe Cverlook. MosL lmporLanLly, he made me feel less lonely. l was
very saddened by hls deparLure.

AnoLher horrlble experlence concernlng Lhe 8ubenhelms occurred. We were havlng dlnner aL Lhelr
house, llke we usually dld. AL Lhe end of Lhe dlnner, a few of olllna's frlends came over. 1hey were all
popular, good looklng glrls and boys. 1hey were Lhe klnd of people who l've always had Lhe deslre Lo be
a parL of, buL was never able Lo flL ln wlLh. opular klds. 8772 B,#(. When l heard Lhem Lalklng abouL
Lhelr awesome llves and Lhelr parLles, l had a breakdown rlghL Lhen and Lhere. l reallzed how much l've
been mlsslng ouL ln my llfe, and l crled ln fronL of everyone. l felL llke l would never have a llfe as good as
Lhelrs. l Lold everyone LhaL l wanLed Lo commlL sulclde. laLher, Soumaya, Alex, and karlna Lalked Lo me
for Lhree hours Lo cheer me up.

LlevenLh Crade aL lndependence ended. Llke Lhe prevlous year, my Llme aL Lhe school wenL by llke a
blur. l dldn'L Lalk Lo anyone. l barely consldered lL a parL of my llfe. l [usL dld Lhe work LhaL l was requlred
Lo do whlle l walLed for Lhe bus Lo Lake me home.
Cnce summer sLarLed, l sank lnLo a ma[or depresslon. My feellngs of lnferlorlLy were lnLenslfled by
Lhe recenL evenLs wlLh Lhe 8ubenhelms. 1he 8ubenhelms were famlly frlends. buL now Lhey
represenLed Lhe very Lhlng LhaL desLroyed my whole llfe and Look away my happlness.
lL was aL Lhls Llme LhaL l was [usL beglnnlng Lo reallze, wlLh a loL of clarlLy, how Lruly unfalr my llfe ls. l
compared myself Lo oLher Leenagers and became very angry LhaL Lhey were able Lo experlence all of Lhe
Lhlngs l've deslred, whlle l was lefL ouL of lL. l never had Lhe experlence of golng Lo a parLy wlLh oLher
Leenagers, l never had my flrsL klss, l never held hands wlLh a glrl, l never losL my vlrglnlLy. ln Lhe pasL, l
felL so lnferlor and weak from all of Lhe bullylng LhaL l [usL accepLed my lonely llfe and dealL wlLh lL by
playlng WoW, buL aL Lhls polnL l sLarLed Lo quesLlon why l was condemned Lo suffer such mlsery.

1here was noLhlng l could really do abouL my unfalr llfe slLuaLlon. l felL compleLely powerless. 1he
only way l could deal wlLh lL was Lo conLlnue Lo drown all of my Lroubles wlLh my onllne games. l played
WoW really hard, levellng Lwo new characLers Lo 70. AL moLher's house, l someLlmes played lL for
fourLeen hours a day. !ames, SLeve, and Mark would always [oke LhaL Lhere was never a Llme LhaL Lhey
saw me offllne. l was known as Lhe guy who was always on WoW".
My lapLop was geLLlng slower and slower. lL wasn'L a very powerful lapLop, buL lL was Lhe only
compuLer l had Lo play WoW on. 1hls was really frusLraLlng me, because evenLually lL became so slow
LhaL lL rulned my gamlng experlence. l kepL pesLerlng my moLher and faLher Lo geL me a fasLer lapLop
LhaL was more efflclenL for gamlng.

lor my 17
Lh
8lrLhday, my parenLs agreed Lo spllL Lhe funds for a new lapLop. My moLher Look me Lo
8esL 8uy Lo choose lL ouL, and l found Lhe perfecL one. lL was a larger, hlghly efflclenL dark-colored
lapLop deslgned for gamlng. AfLer we boughL lL, we had dlnner aL Lhe !apanese resLauranL kabukl on
venLura 8oulevard, Lhe same resLauranL my moLher Look me Lo afLer my 3
Lh
Crade graduaLlon.

MH G);-' <.*

laLher Lold me LhaL Max lnvlLed me Lo vlslL hlm ln lrance for Lhree weeks. l would have Lo Lravel
Lhere alone, and Max would plck me up aL Lhe alrporL near hls homeLown of MonLpelller. AL flrsL l was
very anxlous abouL lL, and l was abouL Lo say no. laLher Lalked me lnLo lL, saylng LhaL l was lucky Lo have
an opporLunlLy llke Lhls. l really mlssed Max, and l wanLed Lo see hlm agaln, so l qulckly made Lhe
declslon Lo go.
l lefL around Lhe beglnnlng of AugusL. 1hls was my flrsL Llme Lravellng alone, and l dldn'L know whaL
Lo expecL. laLher slgned me up Lo have supervlsed Lravel asslsLance Lo help me along Lhe way, oLherwlse
l would geL losL ln Lhe alrporL. Cn Lhe way Lhere, l made a sLop ln lrankfurL, Cermany Lo Lransfer planes.
Cermany became anoLher counLry l can add Lo Lhe llsL of places l've been. When l arrlved aL Lhe alrporL ln
lrance, l walLed for a few hours and flnally Max showed up. l was really happy Lo see hlm. l couldn'L
belleve l was acLually ln lrance agaln.
Max and l sLayed aL hls grandmoLher's house ln MonLpelller. MonLpelller was an exqulslLe clLy, wlLh a
romanLlc and culLured vlbe Lo lL. lL was such a plLy LhaL l was Loo caughL up ln my own world Lo Lruly
appreclaLe lL aL Lhe Llme.
Max lnLroduced me Lo hls llfe ln lrance. l meL wlLh some of hls frlends and we wenL Lo bars LogeLher.
ln lrance, Lhe legal drlnklng age ls 16, so l was able Lo drlnk alcohol aL a bar. lL was asLoundlng! lor
Lhose Lhree weeks, l had Lhe falnLesL LasLe of whaL llfe was llke for normal young people. 1he experlence
of hanglng ouL wlLh a group of young people, boys and glrls, and en[oylng llfe was someLhlng l never dld
before. lL really Lurned my whole world around, for LhaL shorL amounL of Llme. J7 -),( ,( &)'- /3/4+7"/
/2(/ 5/-( -7 /F*/4,/"8/, l LhoughL Lo myself wlLh [ealousy. l felL a sense of happlness and bllss LhaL l
hadn'L felL slnce chlldhood, when llfe was good.
uurlng Lhe Lrlp, we vlslLed Lhe Lown of Arles where we sLayed ln Lhe hoLel LhaL Max's famlly owns.
Max Lold me abouL all of Lhe sexual experlences he had. l never knew he had such an acLlve sex llfe. 1he
more he Lalked Lo me abouL lL, Lhe more envlous l became. l quesLloned Lo myself why he goL Lo
experlence such an amazlng llfe, whlle l had Lo suffer so much lonellness and humlllaLlon. l was
lnLroduced Lo some of Lhe glrls he had sex wlLh ln Lhe pasL, and Lhey were all preLLy. Cn Lop of LhaL, hls
famlly was exLremely wealLhy and Lhey owned a sprawllng manslon ln Lhe counLryslde. 0)/4/K( -)/
D:(-,8/6 l LhoughL. 0)+ 87:2#"K- % )'3/ 9//" 974" ,"-7 -)'- 2,1/6 l envled Max so much. Pls llfe musL have
been heaven on earLh. uesplLe my envy of Max, l couldn'L haLe hlm, aL leasL aL LhaL Llme. Pe was Lhe
only popular young person who ever reached ouL Lo me. Pe lnvlLed me Lo vlslL hls home, and he LreaLed
me llke a frlend. lor LhaL, l wlll always have a grudglng respecL for Max 8onon.

AfLer Lhree weeks ln lrance dolng exclLlng soclal Lhlngs, l reLurned Lo my lonely llfe ln Lhe u.S., where
l became even more depressed Lhan l was ln Lhe beglnnlng of summer, especlally afLer geLLlng a LasLe of
whaL llfe was Lruly llke for normal people. l knew l could never llve such a pleasurable llfe, and Lhe
knowledge haunLed me. l was back Lo my rouLlne of World of WarcrafL. AL leasL Lhe new expanslon was
comlng ouL soon, and l Lrled Lo look forward Lo LhaL.

When 1welfLh Crade began, l made a vow Lo flnlsh hlgh school before Lhe monLh of March. 1he hlgh
school sysLem aL lndependence allows sLudenLs Lo work aL Lhelr own pace, so Lhe more exLra work l dld,
Lhe sooner l could graduaLe. l was always depressed and bored for Lhe few hours a day l had Lo spend
Lhere, and l dlsllked all of Lhe degeneraLe, low-class sLudenLs Lhere. 1hey repulsed me. l wanLed Lo geL
ouL of Lhere as fasL as l could, and lL became my goal for Lhe year. AL Lhe end of school Llme every day l
asked my Leachers Lo glve me exLra homework asslgnmenLs, and l sLopped myself from playlng WoW
unLll l compleLed Lhem.

1he second expanslon for World of WarcrafL flnally released, called WraLh of Lhe Llch klng. When l
goL home from school, l wanLed Lhe game so badly. MoLher wasn'L home from work yeL, so she couldn'L
drlve me. l declded Lo walk all Lhe way Lo 8esL 8uy Lo plck up Lhe game. lL was a long walk LhaL Look
almosL an hour. Cn Lhe way home l was very hungry and sLopped aL anda Lxpress Lo eaL lunch. laneL
Cyber was rlghL nexL Lo LhaL anda Lxpress, so l walked ln Lhere for a few seconds Lo remlnlsce abouL
beLLer Llmes before hurrylng home Lo lnsLall Lhe game. Cnce lL was lnsLalled, !ames and l played lL
LogeLher all afLernoon.

l found ouL LhaL one of my Leachers aL lndependence, Mr. erales, also played WoW. lrom Lhen on,
Lhe Lwo of us would Lalk abouL Lhe game every day. lL was nlce Lo have someone aL school Lo Lalk Lo, and
l en[oyed Lelllng hlm abouL my dally progresslon wlLh my characLer. 1hls made my Llme aL school a loL
less mundane and borlng.

!ames, SLeve, and Mark were Lhe closesL Lhlng l had Lo a group of frlends. l played wlLh Lhem onllne
almosL every day. We had so many advenLures ln WoW as a group, and yeL. l felL llke Lhe ouLcasL of Lhe
group. SLeve and Mark only consldered me an onllne frlend, never a real frlend. l found ouL LhaL Lhe
Lhree of Lhem had WoW meeL-ups aL one of Lhelr houses a loL, and Lhey never lnvlLed me. SomeLlmes,
when l would be playlng wlLh Lhem onllne, l would flnd ouL LhaL Lhey were all LogeLher ln real llfe, and l
was Lhe only one lefL ouL. Whenever Lhey dld Lhls, l acLed blLLer Lowards Lhem Lhrough Lhe game, buL
Lhey dldn'L even care. Lven ln Lhe World of WarcrafL, l was an ouLcasL, alone and unwanLed.

1he more lonely l felL, Lhe more angry l became. 1he anger slowly bullL up lnslde me LhroughouL all of
Lhe dark years. Lven afLer Lhe release of Lhe new WoW expanslon, l noLlced LhaL Lhe game's ablllLy Lo
allevlaLe my sense of lonellness was sLarLlng Lo fade. l began Lo feel lonely even whlle playlng lL, and l
ofLen broke down lnLo Lears ln Lhe mlddle of my WoW sesslons. l began Lo ask myself whaL Lhe polnL
was ln playlng Lhls game anymore. l spenL less and less Llme playlng lL.

Cne day l found some posLs on Lhe lnLerneL abouL Leenagers havlng sex, and l was once agaln
remlnded of Lhe llfe l had been denled. l felL LhaL no glrl would ever wanL Lo have sex wlLh me. And l
developed exLreme feellngs of envy, haLred, and anger Lowards anyone who has a sex llfe. l saw Lhem as
Lhe /"/@+. l felL condemned Lo llve a llfe of lonely cellbacy whlle oLher boys were allowed Lo experlence
Lhe pleasures of sex, all because glrls dldn'L wanL me. l felL lnferlor and undeslrable. 1hls Llme, however,
l couldn'L [usL sLand by and accepL such an ln[usLlce anymore. l refused Lo conLlnue hldlng away from Lhe
world and forgeLLlng abouL all Lhe lnsulLs lL dealL Lo me.
l began Lo have fanLasles of becomlng very powerful and sLopplng everyone from havlng sex. l
wanLed Lo Lake Lhelr sex away from Lhem, [usL llke Lhey Look lL away from me. l saw sex as an evll and
barbarlc acL, all because l was unable Lo have lL. 1hls was Lhe ma[or Lurnlng polnL. My anger made me
sLronger lnslde. 1hls was when l formed my ldeas LhaL sex should be ouLlawed. lL ls Lhe only way Lo
make Lhe world a falr and [usL place. lf l can'L have lL, l wlll desLroy lL. 1haL's Lhe concluslon l came Lo,
rlghL Lhen and Lhere.
l spenL more Llme sLudylng Lhe world, seelng Lhe world for Lhe horrlble, unfalr place lL ls. l Lhen had
Lhe revelaLlon LhaL [usL because l was condemned Lo suffer a llfe of lonellness and re[ecLlon, doesn'L
mean l am lnslgnlflcanL. l have an excepLlonally hlgh level of lnLelllgence. l see Lhe world dlfferenLly Lhan
anyone else. 8ecause of all of Lhe ln[usLlces l wenL Lhrough and Lhe worldvlew l developed because of
Lhem, l musL be desLlned for greaLness. l musL be desLlned Lo change Lhe world, Lo shape lL lnLo an
lmage LhaL sulLs me!

AL Lhe beglnnlng of Lhe wlnLer break, l declded Lo qulL playlng World of WarcrafL enLlrely. Cn my lasL
day on Lhe game, l had a long, emoLlonal conversaLlon wlLh !ames where l opened up abouL all of my
Lroubles. l Lold hlm abouL all my newfound vlews of Lhe world, and my bellef LhaL sex musL be abollshed.
Pe seemed Lo be supporLlve of my sLance, and l was glad LhaL he undersLood me. lL was a very
memorable day.

My faLher's movle was released, buL lL dld noL do well aL all. Pe was only able Lo geL lL released ln a
few selecL LheaLres, and no one was lnLeresLed ln seelng lL. Pe sLupldly lnvesLed all of hls money lnLo Lhe
movle, and he goL absoluLely noLhlng ouL of lL. 1hls caused hlm Lo fall lnLo a flnanclal crlsls LhaL he wlll
be sLuck ln for a long Llme. l was annoyed LhaL he kepL havlng Lo make lL clear Lo us LhaL he was now ln a
flnanclal crlsls". Pe Lalked abouL lL all Lhe Llme, and lL was embarrasslng.
WhaL a blLLer colncldence, LhaL rlghL aL Lhe polnL when my llfe fell even deeper lnLo agony, my faLher
ls cursed wlLh Lhls flnanclal crlsls. 8lghL aL Lhe Llme when l needed my faLher's supporL Lhe mosL, he losL
all of hls asseLs. lL was as lf some malevolenL belng cursed me wlLh bad luck. l Lruly had no advanLage aL
all. 1he unlverse was noL klnd Lo me.

l formed an ldeology ln my head of how Lhe world should work. l was fueled boLh by my deslre Lo
desLroy all of Lhe ln[usLlces of Lhe world, and Lo exacL revenge on everyone l envy and haLe. l declded
LhaL my desLlny ln llfe ls Lo rlse Lo power so l can lmpose my ldeology on Lhe world and seL everyLhlng
rlghL. % &'( 7"2+ (/3/"-//"C % )'3/ *2/"-+ 71 -,@/. l LhoughL Lo myself. l spenL all of my Llme sLudylng ln
my room, readlng books abouL hlsLory, pollLlcs, and soclology, Lrylng Lo learn as much as l can.
l became a new person, furlously drlven by a goal. My LormenL would conLlnue, buL l had someLhlng
Lo llve for. l felL empowered.

l wenL over Lo !ames's house Lo have a sleepover. usually when l wenL Lhere we spenL Lhe whole Llme
playlng WoW, wlLh Lhe excepLlon of walklng Lo Lown for lunch. 8ecause l qulL WoW, Lhls was Lhe flrsL
Llme we had Lo flnd oLher Lhlngs Lo do. We spenL mosL of Lhe Llme golng on walks around Lhe allsades
Lown cenLer, or along Lhe allsades 8luffs, Lalklng abouL our vlews of Lhe world and our hopes and
dreams. l Lold hlm more abouL my haLred of people who have sex. !ames qulckly deduced Lhe reason for
why l was so fervenL abouL abollshlng sex. LhaL ln LruLh l really wanL Lo have sex buL l feel llke l can
never have lL, so l wlsh Lo Lake lL away from everyone else. Pe read me very well. l had Lo admlL LhaL he
was rlghL. 1haL ,( Lhe exacL reason for lL.

l fulfllled my vow of flnlshlng hlgh school by March. ln facL, l flnlshed a blL earller Lhan l expecLed - ln
mld-lebruary. l compleLed so many homework asslgnmenLs Lowards Lhe end, especlally slnce l no longer
played WoW. l was glad Lo be done wlLh lL. School was flnally over. noL havlng Lo go Lo school anymore
gave me a loL of free Llme Lo Lhlnk and brood.

As Llme progressed, l reallzed how hopeless everyLhlng ln my llfe was. 1he chances LhaL l wlll ever rlse
Lo power and rlghL Lhe wrongs of Lhe world were exLremely sllm. l had absoluLely no ldea or plan of how
Lo acqulre any sorL of power. lL was naive of me Lo Lhlnk LhaL l could one day become a dlcLaLor. 1he
only Lhlng l could do was fanLaslze abouL lL.
My whole world LwlsLed even deeper lnLo darkness and despalr as my depresslng llfe conLlnued on.
My haLred for people who have sex fesLered lnslde me llke a plague. l frequenLly wenL on walks around
Lown Lo brood over how hopeless and unfalr everyLhlng was. lL was beLLer Lhan belng sLuck ln my room
all Lhe Llme. When l saw young couples walklng around aL Lhe mall, my anger and haLred lnLenslfled
greaLly. lL was Lhe worsL LorLure ever Lo see Lhem maklng ouL and belng lnLlmaLe. My llfe, lf you can call
lL a llfe, was llvlng hell.

My parenLs qulckly Look noLe of how radlcal l was becomlng, and Lhey made a hasLy plan Lo change
my llfe. Cf course, LhaL ls whaL Lhey clalmed. l Lhlnk Lhey were [usL Lrylng Lo flnd a way Lo geL rld of me
because l was Loo hard Lo deal wlLh. Soumaya was golng back Lo Morocco, and Lhey declded Lo send me
wlLh her. lL was Lhe mosL rldlculous plan l've ever heard.
1hey announced Lhls Lo me aL a cafe near my moLher's house. l was expecLlng someLhlng exLreme,
someLhlng drasLlc, buL Lhls? lL compleLely caughL me off guard. <7478876 H)/+ -),"B %K22 9/ )'**+ -)/4/6
l furlously LhoughL wlLh dlsbellef. l was devasLaLed, and for a momenL l couldn'L even speak. 1he lasL
Lhlng l wanLed was Lo hlde away ln a backwaLer counLry wlLh noLhlng Lo do, whlle all of my peers en[oy
llfe ln Lhe u.S. l dldn'L wanL Lo run away from my Lroubles ln Lhe u.S., l wanLed Lo confronL Lhem. l [usL
dldn'L know how. Colng Lo Morocco was Lhe absoluLe worsL soluLlon for me, and Lhey lnLended for me
Lo sLay Lhere for a long Llme.
AfLer hearlng Lhls news, l felL a sense of urgency LhaL l had never felL before. 1hey already had a plane
LlckeL ready for me, and l was scheduled Lo leave ln flve days. My lmmedlaLe goal was Lo sLop my
parenLs from sendlng me Lo Morocco. 1hrowlng a LanLrum wlLh my moLher dldn'L work. She was seL on
Lhls.
l spenL Lhe remalnlng flve days aL faLher's house. Whlle Lhere, l chose noL Lo proLesL aL all, because l
knew lL wouldn'L work. 1hey wlll force me onLo LhaL plane one way or anoLher. l declded Lo keep quleL
and devlse a plan of escape. l blded my Llme, and dldn'L Lalk much Lo faLher or Soumaya durlng Lhose
lasL few days. 1he plan l came up wlLh was Lo run away on Lhe mornlng before Lhe fllghL, walk all Lhe
way Lo my moLher's condo, and hlde ln a secreL spoL on Lhe roof. lL would be a place where Lhey leasL
expecLed me Lo be.
l kepL quleL ln Lhe lasL couple of days Lo Lhrow off Lhelr susplclon, buL LhaL backflred and made Lhem
even more susplclous. l suppose Lhey expecLed me Lo proLesL abouL golng, and my sllence made Lhem
Lhlnk l was up Lo someLhlng.
When Lhe Llme came, l declded Lo geL up aL 4:00 a.m. Lo prepare. 1o my dlsmay, l noLlced LhaL my
faLher seL an alarm on Lhe fronL door. l was plannlng Lo run away aL 6:00 a.m., when Lhe garbage Lruck
arrlved, because Lhe nolse from Lhe Lruck would mask any nolse l make whlle leavlng. 1he alarm,
however, would deflnlLely alerL faLher and Soumaya. l goL Loo nervous and abandoned LhaL ldea.
lnsLead, l walLed unLll everyone woke up and had breakfasL. My plan was rulned by Lhe alarm, and l had
Lo come up wlLh a new plan fasL! l had llLLle Llme lefL. l lnnocenLly Lold faLher l wanLed Lo go on a small
walk before Lhe deparLure, and as soon as l exlLed Lhe fronL door, l bolLed aL full speed. lL was hasLy, buL
l had Lo do someLhlng. l dldn'L Lhlnk faLher would caLch on Lo my decepLlon so qulckly. AfLer only
clearlng one block, l looked behlnd my shoulder and saw faLher chaslng afLer me. All of my hope
collapsed Lhen and Lhere, and l losL all of Lhe flghL ln me. l sLopped runnlng and puL my head down ln
defeaL. Soumaya came ln Lhe car mlnuLes laLer, and Lhey boLh Look me home. 1he plan falled. l was
golng Lo Morocco.
1he [ourney Lo Morocco was Lhe mosL horrendous Lravel experlence l've ever had. lL was [usL me,
Soumaya, and four-year-old !azz. !azz kepL screamlng and vomlLlng on Lhe plane, Soumaya was ln a sour
mood, and l was compleLely mlserable. l LhoughL my whole llfe was all over. l had noLhlng Lo look
forward Lo ln Lhe fuLure. l wanLed Lo dle.
Cnce l goL Lhere l felL llke all of Lhe llfe ln me had dralned ouL. l was so defeaLed. l couldn'L help buL
cry all Lhe Llme, even ln fronL of Soumaya's relaLlves. khadl[a dldn'L undersLand why l was so upseL, and
she goL offended LhaL l was crylng on Lhe flrsL day aL her house. lL was a compleLe dlsasLer.
l kepL dreamlng of home. l LhoughL of Lhe prospecL of belng able Lo reLurn home, and a small hope
sparked ln me. l kepL emalllng my moLher frequenLly, Lelllng her how much l haLed belng Lhere and how
much l crled all Lhe Llme. l Lold her LhaL lf she would glve me one more chance and enable me Lo come
home, l wlll Lry harder Lo lead a beLLer llfe and become a person she could be proud of. AfLer a week of
dolng Lhls, moLher gave ln and flew Lo Morocco Lo Lake me home. l won. l was golng home.

When l reLurned Lo Lhe u.S., l felL so relleved LhaL l forgoL abouL my Lroubles for a few days and
relaxed. lL was good Lo be back home. 1hls ls where my flghL ls, rlghL here ln Lhe u.S., and nowhere else.
1he sense of elaLlon l felL soon wore off. My lonely llfe as a soclal ouLcasL resumed.

l conLlnued golng on my usual long walks every day, feellng angry and haLeful Lowards Lhe world.
uurlng moLher's week, l would walk Lo Lhe mall and slL on Lhe balcony overlooklng Lhe food courL nexL
Lo Lhe AMC LheaLres. 1here l would see all of Lhe young couples llnlng up Lo see a movle, and l bolled
wlLh haLred. uurlng faLher's week, l walked Lo Lhe Calabasas Commons nearby, and someLlmes l rode
my blcycle. l also walked up Lhe hlll near my faLher's house Lo Lhe Cverlook. l spenL a loL of Llme up
Lhere, conLemplaLlng abouL my llfe and fanLaslzlng abouL becomlng powerful enough Lo punlsh
everyone l haLe.
Cn one dreadful day, when l was rldlng my blcycle near Calabasas, a group of popular Leenagers ln an
Suv drove by and made fun of me. l suppose my appearance dldn'L help wlLh LhaL. l looked exacLly llke
Lhe ouLcasL l was. l was sLlll wearlng plaln polo shlrLs and khakl panLs aL Lhe Llme, covered wlLh a blue zlp
up hoodle and a black baseball cap. lL was a LorLurous experlence, and Lhe paln l felL from lL never wenL
away. All l wanLed was Lo flL ln wlLh Lhose popular klds who llved such pleasurable llves, buL lnsLead l
was rldlculed and revlled by Lhem. 1hey made me feel so lnferlor and undeslrable. l wlll never forgeL
LhaL experlence. lL was burned lnLo my memory.
My mlsery became harder and harder Lo bear, and none of my parenLs undersLood my pllghL. My
faLher LhoughL LhaL all was well wlLh me. >7& 87:2# )/ 9/ (7 92,"#6 Pe was so caughL up ln hls falllng
work LhaL he dldn'L care abouL how my llfe was Lurnlng ouL. l cursed hlm for lL. My faLher never made
any efforL Lo prepare me for faclng such a cruel world. Pe never LaughL me how Lo aLLracL glrls. Pe never
warned me LhaL lf l dldn'L aLLracL glrls aL an early age, my llfe would fall lnLo a mlserable plL of despalr!
Agaln. >7& 87:2# )/ 9/ (7 92,"#6 l asked myself consLanLly.

lL all came Lo a cllmax on one of Lhe days LhaL l walked Lo Lhe Calabasas Commons. l Lreaded Lhrough
Lhe area wlLh my head down, all alone, ln a sLaLe of compleLe despalr abouL my llfe. l looked around me
and saw loLs of young couples holdlng hands and groups of good looklng Leenage boys and glrls walklng
LogeLher and havlng fun on Lhelr SaLurday nlghL ouL. l saw all of Lhose Leenagers en[oylng Lhelr
pleasurable llves LogeLher, whlle l was all alone. 1hey were en[oylng everyLhlng l couldn'L have. l was
fllled wlLh lnLense angulsh, and l qulckly ran all Lhe way back Lo faLher's house wlLh Lears pourlng down
my cheeks. Cnce l goL home l had a breakdown and crled for hours and hours lnLo Lhe nlghL.

:;-( @
Q,C) ;7* Q,C).)''7)''
=4) MH?ME

When l woke up Lhe nexL mornlng, l felL a blL calmer. Calmer enough Lo Lhlnk clearly abouL whaL [usL
happened. l couldn'L bear Lo have my llfe conLlnue Lhls way, so l Lrled Lo evaluaLe why l have had Lo
suffer so much. l spenL Lhe whole day ln calm medlLaLlon, deeply revlewlng my llfe Lo see how l fell Lo
Lhls dark place. l concluded LhaL l cannoL [usL glve up on havlng Lhe llfe l wanL lf l never Lry Lo geL lL. l
reallzed LhaL l was sLlll only sevenLeen, and LhaL Lhere are many posslblllLles for me ln Lhe fuLure. l
wanLed Lo glve myself a new chance aL llfe, desplLe all Lhe odds LhaL were agalnsL me. l wanLed
someLhlng Lo llve for, someLhlng Lo look forward Lo ln Lhe fuLure. 1hls calm sesslon of conLemplaLlon
made me feel a loL beLLer.
l Lold my parenLs and my slsLer LhaL l was wllllng Lo make a renewed efforL Lo change. 1hey seemed
very happy wlLh me. lor once, ln Lhelr eyes, l wasn'L belng negaLlve abouL llfe.

l examlned myself ln Lhe mlrror and declded LhaL lf l wanL Lo make a fresh sLarL, Lhe flrsL Lhlng Lo do
would be Lo change my appearance. l goL a halrcuL, and Lhen my moLher and slsLer Look me shopplng aL
Lhe lallbrook mall for some new cloLhes. l knew noLhlng abouL fashlon aL Lhe Llme, so l [usL chose a few
new [eans. l hadn'L worn [eans slnce l was Len years old. lor Lhe flrsL Llme ln many years, l sLarLed Lo
care abouL how l looked agaln.

l spenL a few more days calmlng myself down. l Lhen sLarLed Lo feel someLhlng LhaL has been losL Lo
me for a long Llme: Pope.
WlLhouL hope, l [usL couldn'L go on any longer. l needed Lo feel hope. Pope for Lhe fuLure, hope for a
beLLer llfe. upon feellng Lhls, l reallzed LhaL perhaps lL ls posslble for me Lo have Lhe Lhlngs l deslre, Lo
have a greaL soclal llfe agaln, Lo have a glrlfrlend, Lo have sex, Lo have all of Lhe pleasures l've
desperaLely craved for so long. lL was refreshlng.

Cn Lhe 4
Lh
of !uly, we wenL Lo a blg parLy aL Lhe Lemelson's. 1here, l had a heavy dlscusslon wlLh
!ames abouL my revelaLlon and goals. Pe seemed very glad LhaL l had a newfound zesL for llfe. Pe
admlLLed LhaL he was geLLlng very worrled abouL me, from Lhe way l was golng. !ames was ln a slmllar
slLuaLlon as l was. Pe was a vlrgln llke me, never havlng much lnLeracLlon wlLh glrls ln hls llfe. 1he Lwo of
us Lalked for hours abouL our Lroubles and our hopes of overcomlng Lhem. lL was nlce Lo have such a
good frlend llke !ames on my slde, who could undersLand and relaLe Lo me.

l made a new lacebook proflle (whlch l sLlll use Lo Lhls day) ln an efforL Lo lmprove my soclal llfe.
Pavlng been so losL ln my own world for Lhe lasL four years, l dldn'L know much abouL Lhese new soclal
neLworklng slLes such as lacebook and Myspace. 1he lasL Llme l was lnLeresLed ln such Lhlngs was when
l made an AlM accounL, buL no one used LhaL anymore.
Cnce l flred up my proflle, was able Lo reconnecL wlLh a few frlends from 1opanga LlemenLary. l
Lalked Lo hlllp over lacebook, and Lhe Lwo of us made plans Lo meeL up laLer ln Lhe summer afLer noL
seelng each oLher for Lwo years.
l also aLLempLed Lo reconnecL wlLh my old frlends Charlle and !ohn !o, rememberlng all of Lhe greaL
experlences l had wlLh Lhem. l managed Lo speak wlLh Lhem on Lhe phone a couple of Llmes, buL Lhey
dldn'L seem keen on meeLlng up, and l subsequenLly abandoned Lhe efforL.

l had a quleL 18
Lh
8lrLhday aL a resLauranL wlLh my famlly. Soumaya was sLlll ln Morocco, so moLher
and faLher agreed Lo meeL for lL. lL was one of Lhe few Llmes LhaL l had dlnner wlLh boLh my moLher and
my faLher slnce Lhelr dlvorce. l recelved some blrLhday cards from relaLlves, wlshlng me a greaL year
ahead. l Look a vow LhaL day Lo make Lhls new year of my llfe a happy one, Lo Lurn my llfe around and
fulflll all of my deslres.
And so began a perlod of greaL yearnlng. A greaL chase, so Lo speak. l wlll chase afLer a hope LhaL l
bullL for myself, only Lo have LhaL hope shaLLered aL every Lurn.

MI G);-' <.*

l was 18, a hlgh school graduaLe, and summer was nearlng lLs end. l had Lo Lhlnk abouL conLlnulng my
educaLlon. l was eager Lo be as producLlve wlLh my Llme as l could be. College represenLed a hope for
me. l would be sLarLlng a new klnd of school where Lhere are loLs of people and opporLunlLles. l mlghL
posslbly make frlends, have lnLeracLlons wlLh glrls, maybe even geL a glrlfrlend! 1he LhoughL fllled me
wlLh enLhuslasm.
And so l enrolled aL lerce College, Lhe flrsL of a few colleges l would [ump Lo ln my many desperaLe
aLLempLs Lo flnd a deslrable llfe. lerce College ls a large communlLy college ln Woodland Pllls, noL far
from boLh my moLher's and faLher's houses. When l looked Lhrough Lhe llsL of classes, l saw LhaL mosL of
Lhem were already full. 1he only class l was able Lo geL was a compuLer class, and l seLLled wlLh LhaL. l
could always spend Llme aL Lhe college even whlle noL ln class, l concluded. Pavlng only one class would
help me ease lnLo college aL a mllder pace. l hadn'L been ln a normal school sysLem for Lhree years. l
feared l mlghL geL nervous. 8uL Lhen, afLer Lhlnklng abouL everyLhlng l had been Lhrough ln Lhe lasL few
monLhs, l knew l had Lhe sLrengLh and courage Lo Lackle lL.

My moLher made Lhe declslon Lo move Lo a new aparLmenL near Calabasas. She Look me and my
slsLer Lhere Lo show lL Lo us beforehand. 1he room LhaL l would geL would be smaller, and lL wouldn'L
have lLs own baLhroom, buL Lhe aparLmenL was locaLed ln a much beLLer area. lL was walklng dlsLance
from my faLher's house, Lhe Mulholland shopplng cenLer, and Lhe Calabasas Commons. l ended up
persuadlng my moLher Lo move Lhere, as lL would be much more convenlenL.
Cn Lhe flrsL day aL Lhe new place, l Look a long sLroll around Lhe nearby areas. Cf course, Lhose areas
weren'L unfamlllar Lo me, as l had walked around Lhere many Llmes durlng faLher's week. 8uL Lhls was
Lhe flrsL Llme l wenL on a long walk slnce my breakdown, and lL made me feel more confldenL.

l meL up wlLh hlllp 8loeser afLer noL seelng hlm for Lwo years. 1he lasL Llme l saw hlm was durlng Lhe
summer l Lurned 16. My moLher dropped me off aL Lhls house, and l wasn'L surprlsed Lo flnd LhaL he was
sLlll Lhe exacL same person, maLure, reserved, a llLLle awkward, and prone Lo random bouLs of hyper
energy. !effrey was also Lhere, and he was sLlll as wlld and bolsLerous as ever, Lhough he had changed a
loL ln appearance, no longer belng Lhe llLLle kld l was so used Lo seelng hlm as.
hlllp already had hls drlver's llcense, so Lhe Lwo of us wenL ouL ln hls car Lo meeL Addlson AlLendorf,
who had [usL moved back Lo Lhe u.S. and was llvlng wlLh hls moLher ln an aparLmenL ln Mallbu. hlllp
and Addlson have always been very close frlends wlLh each oLher, and Lhe Lwo of Lhem go everywhere
LogeLher. l hadn'L seen Addlson slnce 1opanga LlemenLary. AL flrsL glance, l dldn'L know whaL Lo make of
hlm. lL was llke meeLlng a whole new person. Pe had changed Lremendously. WlLh hls musLache and
halrsLyle, he looked older Lhan he was, culLlvaLlng a reflned and sophlsLlcaLed personallLy and wearlng
an eleganL blazer coaL.
As l spenL Llme wlLh Addlson LhaL day, l sLarLed Lo en[oy Lalklng Lo hlm abouL pollLlcs and Lhe world.
Pe was very lnLelllgenL and more lnformed Lhan oLher people our age.

l boughL my flrsL LoLLery LlckeL when l wenL ouL shopplng wlLh my moLher one day. We sLopped aL
8alph's where l noLlced Lhe LoLLery machlne. l dldn'L know anyLhlng abouL Lhe LoLLery, so l asked my
moLher abouL lL. She Lold me how lL works and LaughL me how Lo buy a LlckeL. Lach LlckeL provldes a
very small chance of wlnnlng mllllons of dollars, and Lhe [ackpoL could rlse Lo Lhe hundreds of mllllons. l
couldn'L belleve lL. l dldn'L know such a Lhlng exlsLed! AfLer buylng my LlckeL, l felL Lhrllled wlLh Lhe
prospecL of havlng a chance Lo become a mulLl-mllllonalre. 1haL LlckeL, of course, dldn'L wln. And nelLher
would any of Lhe LlckeLs l buy afLer lL, buL Lhey would glve me hope.
l never LhoughL nor cared abouL money before l Lurned 18, because l was sLlll llvlng llke a chlld, wlLh
my parenLs handllng Lhe money and glvlng me Lhe Lhlngs l needed. Powever, Lhe more older l grew, Lhe
more l reallzed how lmporLanL money was, and Lhe more obsessed l would become abouL geLLlng rlch.
1hls obsesslon, whlch was barely Laklng rooL aL Lhe Llme, sparked a long relaLlonshlp Lhe LoLLery LhaL
would only end ln dlsappolnLmenL and despalr.

AL faLher's house, we waLched Lhe movle Alpha uog afLer dlnner one nlghL. 1hls movle deplcLs a loL of
Leenagers and young people parLylng and havlng sex wlLh beauLlful glrls, llvlng Lhe llfe LhaL l've deslred
for so long. 1he maln characLer ls a flfLeen year old kld who has sex wlLh Lwo hoL glrls ln a swlmmlng
pool. l was so envlous LhaL l dellghLed ln hls deaLh aL Lhe end. l remember Lhlnklng LhaL l would raLher
llve hls llfe Lhan mlne, even Lhough he dled. Pe had sex and l dldn'L. 1he movle deeply affecLed me
emoLlonally, and l would Lhlnk abouL lL for some Llme afLerwards.
l sLarLed my new semesLer aL lerce College. l sLlll hadn'L obLalned my drlver's llcense yeL, so l was
forced Lo Lake Lhe publlc bus Lo school. 1hls was an exLremely unpleasanL experlence, buL l was wllllng
Lo bear wlLh lL [usL so l could go Lo college and lmprove my llfe.
Cn my flrsL day, l couldn'L help buL feel nervous. 1he place remlnded me of 1afL, Lhough Lhe people
seemed nlcer and Lhe envlronmenL was less lnLlmldaLlng. When l seLLled down lnLo my class, l felL LhaL
Lhlngs wlll Lurn ouL ok.

Soumaya reLurned from Morocco, and she was very angry wlLh me due Lo Lhe way l acLed whlle l was
Lhere. She effecLlvely klcked me ouL of faLher's house, and because l was elghLeen, she was allowed Lo.
laLher dldn'L do anyLhlng Lo sLop her, belng Lhe weak man LhaL he ls. 1hls ls how lL has always been.
laLher has always glven Soumaya free relgn Lo lmpose her rules on Lhe household. Pe gave her all Lhe
power.
1hls acL offlclally ended Lhe one week-one week arrangemenL, and moLher's house became my
permanenL llvlng place.
noL only dld she klck me ouL of faLher's house, buL she forbade me Lo go Lhere even for a shorL vlslL.
And sLlll, faLher dldn'L do anyLhlng abouL lL. laLher kepL saylng LhaL Lhe house ls her house as much as hls,
and LhaL she has Lhe rlghL Lo klck me ouL. L7A % '@ -)/ /2#/(- (7"A H)/ )7:(/ ()7:2# 9/ <M )7:(/ 9/174/
)/4(A 1hls caused any respecL l sLlll had for my faLher Lo fade away compleLely. lL was such a beLrayal, Lo
puL hls second wlfe before hls eldesL son. WhaL klnd of faLher would do LhaL? H)/ 9,-8) @:(- 9/ 4/'22+
577# -7 ),@ ," 9/#C l flgured. 0)'- ' &/'B @'".

Lvery day, l Lrled Lo make some efforL Lo go ouL looklng for ways Lo lmprove my llfe. l felL LhaL sLaylng
ln my room was a wasLe of Llme. l knew whaL l wanLed, buL l had no ldea how Lo geL lL. l frequenLly wenL
on walks around my moLher's nelghborhood ln Lhe desperaLe hope LhaL someone would befrlend me or
a glrl would Lalk Lo me. noLhlng of Lhe sorL ever happened.
SomeLlmes l walked all Lhe way up Lo Lhe Cverlook, as my moLher's aparLmenL was [usL around Lhe
oLher slde of lL, And someLlmes l walked Lo Lhe Calabasas Commons, where l would hang ouL aL 8arnes
& noble, readlng books, always wlLh Lhe hope LhaL some young people would reach ouL and befrlend
me, buL no one ever dld.
l kepL hoplng and hoplng and hoplng. Pope ls whaL kepL me allve.

l conLlnued seelng hlllp and Addlson, my only oLher soclal lnLeracLlon besldes !ames. l Lalked Lo
Addlson abouL my old pollLlcal vlews, debaLlng wlLh hlm abouL whaL an ldeal world would look llke. l
found ouL LhaL he had some fasclsL vlews of hls own, and lL was nlce Lo have a dlscusslon wlLh someone
abouL Lhlngs LhaL would make mosL normal people run a mlle.
l frequenLly messaged Addlson on lacebook, hoplng Lo sLarL up conversaLlons when l felL lonely. Pe
Lold me he was [usL sLarLlng hls 1welfLh Crade year aL Mallbu Plgh School, and hls goal was Lo flL ln wlLh
Lhe popular klds. llLLlng ln wlLh popular klds aL <'2,9: >,5) J8)7726 l dldn'L expecL Addlson Lo be
successful ln such a venLure.
Addlson lnvlLed me Lo hls blrLhday parLy. lL was a small geL-LogeLher on Lhe beach ln olnL uume,
Mallbu. l had a very hard Llme soclallzlng wlLh people, so l ended up drlnklng Loo much alcohol. 8efore
hlllp drove me home, l vomlLed ouLslde Addlson's aparLmenL, ln fronL of hls moLher and everyone else.
lL was hlghly embarrasslng and l puL a loL of efforL Lo block lL from my mlnd afLerwards.

!ames came Lo my moLher's new aparLmenL for a sleepover. We walked Lo Lhe Calabasas Commons
LogeLher. lL was nlce Lo show hlm all of my favorlLe spoLs Lhere, llke Lhe wlndow aL 8arnes & noble LhaL
overlooks Lhe whole area, and LurLle ponds nexL Lo klng's resLauranL. lL was a greaL place Lo Lalk and
conLemplaLe. We had some deep conversaLlons abouL our fanLasles and our hopes for Lhe fuLure.

When l was a chlld, Palloween used Lo be a fun and exclLlng experlence, buL ever slnce Lhe lasL Llme l
wenL Lrlck-or-LreaLlng Palloween has been a Llme when l spenL Lhe whole nlghL ln my room whlle oLher
Leenagers were ouL havlng fun parLylng.
Cn Lhls Palloween, l was desperaLe Lo do someLhlng soclal. l [usL couldn'L slL ln my room on such a
nlghL. l found ouL from sLalklng random people on lacebook LhaL Lhere was golng Lo be a huge house
parLy ln WesL Pllls. l declded Lo Lake a blg leap forward and aLLend Lhls house parLy, even Lhough l
wouldn'L know anybody Lhere. l had noLhlng Lo lose, and lL would glve me more of a chance of meeLlng
glrls Lhan lf l sLayed ln my room all nlghL. 8ecause l couldn'L drlve, l had Lo walk all Lhe way Lhere, and lL
Look 43 mlnuLes. When l goL Lhere, l was overcome by anxleLy, buL l couldn'L back ouL aL LhaL polnL. l
pald Lhe enLry fee of $3 and walked rlghL ln. 1o my dlsmay, Lhe parLy was smaller Lhan l expecLed. All of
Lhe klds were smoklng marl[uana, and Lhey all seemed Lo know each oLher. lL would only be a maLLer of
Llme before Lhey deLecLed LhaL l was an ouLcasL. l sLood around awkwardly for a few mlnuLes before
glvlng up and walklng home.
Cn Lhe way home, [usL as l was abouL Lo reach my moLher's house, a group of four young Lhugs drove
by me ln a plck-up Lruck and proceeded Lo Lhrow eggs aL me, laughlng whlle Lhey dld lL. 1hey seemed
lnLoxlcaLed, and Lhey mlssed me. l plcked up one of Lhe shells and Lhrew lL rlghL back lnLo Lhelr car. l was
no longer a weak llLLle kld who would Lake a hlL wlLhouL flghLlng back. l was sLronger now. 1hey goL ouL
of Lhelr car and Lrled Lo aLLack me, and Lhey would have beaLen me bloody lf l dldn'L pull ouL my LrusLy
pockeL knlfe, whlch l usually carrled when l walked alone by myself. 1hankfully, Lhe Lhugs backed away
and drove off. erhaps lL was Lhe knlfe, or Lhe look of exLreme haLred ln my eyes. l qulckly ran home,
Lerrlfled. lL was an unsuccessful and mlsforLunaLe nlghL.

lor a few days afLer Palloween, l kepL Lhlnklng abouL LhaL lncldenL wlLh Lhe horrlble Lhugs who
almosL aLLacked me. 1hey musL have seen me as a weakllng who Lhey could bully for Lhelr amusemenL. l
dldn'L wanL Lhe world Lo vlew me as weak.
1hls led Lo my new commlLmenL Lo sLarL exerclslng and llfLlng welghLs. l began worklng ouL aL Lhe
gym ln my moLher's aparLmenL complex every oLher day. l hoped lL would lncrease my confldence and
make me appear a blL sLronger. <'+9/ ,1 % 9:,2- @:(82/(C 5,42( &,22 9/ '--4'8-/# -7 @/, l hopefully
proclalmed Lo myself. l had never worked ouL or llfLed welghLs ln my llfe, so my body has always been
very frall and dellcaLe. 1hls was a new experlence, and lL made me feel more producLlve.

Soumaya's grudge agalnsL me lessened afLer a couple of monLhs, and she allowed me Lo go Lo
faLher's house for dlnner occaslonally. l was very angry wlLh faLher, buL l hld my anger. l sLlll needed
hlm.
laLher began Leachlng me how Lo drlve once l recelved my drlver's permlL, whlch was qulLe hard Lo
geL. l had Lo Lake a wrlLLen LesL wlLh many quesLlons, and l falled lL on my flrsL Lry. Cn Lhe second
aLLempL, l managed Lo pass.
My flrsL experlence drlvlng was very scary. l've played a few raclng vldeo games ln my llfe, buL drlvlng
a car for real was much more lnLlmldaLlng. AL flrsL, l could barely even drlve around my faLher's quleL
nelghborhood. l was overcome by Lhe fear LhaL l wlll never be able Lo drlve. l soon goL more used Lo lL
durlng Lhe nexL few sesslons. Soon enough, l was able Lo drlve a shorL dlsLance up 1opanga Canyon wlLh
ease. l sLlll dldn'L feel prepared Lo Lake my offlclal drlver's LesL, Lhough.

uesplLe my aLLempLs Lo lmprove my llfe, l was sLlll feellng frusLraLed and angry. l was geLLlng noLhlng
ouL of my efforLs. l sLlll hadn'L made any frlends aL lerce College, and l dldn'L lnLeracL wlLh any glrls.
My days aL lerce College grew more and more mundane and depresslng. l wenL Lo my class on
1uesdays and 1hursdays, Laklng Lhe bus Lo Lhe AMC and walklng Lhe resL of Lhe way. ln Lhe classroom, l
had a hard Llme soclallzlng wlLh anyone. Maklng frlends seemed lmposslble.

My moLher was casually daLlng a very wealLhy man named !ack aL Lhe Llme, Lhough l wouldn'L flnd
ouL Lhey were daLlng unLll much laLer. When she flrsL menLloned hlm, l LhoughL he was [usL a frlend. !ack
gave moLher Lhe keys Lo hls Mallbu beach house, and we wenL Lo sLay Lhere for a few nlghLs, Lhough
!ack wasn'L Lhere. 1he house was a beauLlful, whlLe-colored manslon locaLed rlghL on a prlvaLe beach.
1he backyard had a swlmmlng pool and a hoL Lub, wlLh a gaLe leadlng rlghL onLo Lhe shorellne.
MoLher had a small geL-LogeLher aL Lhe beach house, and she lnvlLed !ames and hls famlly, along wlLh
some oLher frlends. !ames dldn'L show up, buL hls faLher ArLe dld. 1o my surprlse, Maddy Pumpreys and
her moLher came over. Seelng Maddy for Lhe flrsL Llme ln slx years was a very pecullar experlence. 1he
lasL Llme we saw each oLher, we were [usL klds. now, she was a fully-grown Leenage glrl, and from
looklng Lhrough her lacebook plcLures, l knew she was popular. She was a Lyplcal preLLy glrl who had
loLs of preLLy frlends. She was one of -)/@C one of Lhe popular klds. My flrsL frlend ln Amerlca, someone
l played wlLh lnnocenLly as a chlld, had grown up Lo represenL Lhe Lype of people who have caused me
so much paln ln my llfe. l was very nervous Lalklng Lo her, as l had no experlence wlLh Lalklng Lo young
glrls, buL l had Lo make Lhe efforL. She seemed welrded-ouL by my awkwardness. lL was crlnge-worLhy.
Whlle sLaylng aL Lhe beach house, l lnvlLed hlllp and Addlson over Lo hang ouL, as Lhey were always ln
Mallbu LogeLher. 1hey came Lo plck me up, and whlle l was ln Lhe car wlLh Lhem, Addlson kepL Lalklng
abouL how successful he has been aL mlngllng wlLh Lhe popular klds aL Mallbu Plgh School. Pe kepL
Lalklng abouL all of Lhe parLles he's been Lo, and all of Lhe preLLy glrls he has meL. l couldn'L belleve whaL
l was hearlng. Addlson acLually dld lL. Pe succeeded ln becomlng popular aL hls school. ln such a shorL
Llme, he was able Lo accompllsh whaL l've been Lrylng Lo do my whole llfe. l was exLremely [ealous. And
LhaL was noL Lhe worsL of lL.
As l spenL more Llme wlLh Lhem LhaL nlghL, l noLlced LhaL Addlson's new sLaLus amongsL Lhe popular
Mallbu crowd had changed hls aLLlLude. lL made hlm very cocky and arroganL. Pe LreaLed ML llke a loser
Lhe whole Llme. LaLer LhaL nlghL, he dlLched me and hlllp Lo go Lo a parLy wlLh some glrls LhaL he knew
from Mallbu. l was seeLhlng wlLh rage.
We Lhen wenL Lo Lhe SanLa Monlca pler wlLh hlllp's frlend Lenny, and l saw young couples
everywhere. l used Lo love golng Lo Lhe SanLa Monlca pler as a chlld, buL now lL was a place of vlleness.
AfLer puLLlng up wlLh Addlson's lnsulLlng behavlor, Lhls was Loo much. l became so upseL LhaL l Lrled my
flrsL clgareLLe. l would end up smoklng a few Llmes afLer LhaL, Lhough l would qulL wlLhln a few weeks
due Lo lL havlng no effecL on me.
When hlllp dropped me back Lo Lhe beach house, l walked Lo Lhe beach ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe nlghL
and yelled ouL my angulsh Lo Lhe rolllng ocean.

AfLer LhaL lasL experlence wlLh hlllp and Addlson, my aLLlLude changed. My newfound opLlmlsm
abouL llfe subslded, and l began feellng lnLense anger and haLred Lowards Lhe world agaln. 1he way
Addlson LreaLed me made me reallze whaL Lhe world Lhlnks of me. lf l was one of Lhose popular klds,
Addlson would have LreaLed me wlLh deference and respecL, buL l wasn'L. l was a compleLe loser ln hls
eyes, and everyone else's. no efforL l made ln Lhe lasL few monLhs changed Lhe way Lhe world saw me.
1he world sLlll vlewed me as a weak and undeslrable loser, even Lhough l changed my wardrobe and
sLarLed worklng ouL. 0)'- &'( -)/ *7,"- '"+@74/6 l asked myself. l couldn'L help buL feel anger and
haLred. Llfe was Loo unfalr Lo me.

l conLlnued golng on walks around moLher's house ln Lhe desperaLe hope LhaL l mlghL posslbly cross
paLhs wlLh some preLLy glrl who would be aLLracLed Lo me. l would have been saLlsfled wlLh LhaL.
SomeLlmes l spenL Lwo or Lhree hours wanderlng around Lhe nelghborhood. lL was all l could do. l never
meL any glrl. Lach walk lefL me blLLerly dlsappolnLed, and evenLually l sLopped dolng lL alLogeLher.
My Llme aL lerce College became more mlserable each day l wenL Lhere. l desplsed havlng Lo Lake
Lhe bus. lL was embarrasslng and sLressful, and lL sucked all of Lhe prlde ouL of me. And for whaL? 1o go
Lo one class where l dldn'L Lalk Lo anyone? 1here was no polnL ln lL anymore. l couldn'L sLand Lhe feellng
of lonellness l had Lhere. no one wanLed Lo be my frlend. lL [usL wasn'L worLh Lhe Lrouble. l declded Lo
drop my class.

My moLher goL very angry LhaL l dropped my class aL lerce, even Lhough l Lhoroughly explalned Lo
her Lhe reasons. 1hls was when she sLarLed pressurlng me Lo geL a [ob. CeLLlng a [ob ls someLhlng l never
LhoughL abouL before ln my llfe, and l soon reallzed LhaL Lhe older l became, Lhe more lL was expecLed of
me lf l dldn'L go Lo college. 1o placaLe my moLher, l sLarLed searchlng for [obs onllne every day, buL l
wasn'L able Lo flnd one LhaL was sulLable for me.

l felL haLred and dlssaLlsfacLlon wlLh Lhe world and socleLy, buL l dldn'L wanL Lo hlde away from lL
anymore. l needed Lo be as producLlve wlLh my Llme as posslble, and l had a loL of free Llme aL Lhls
polnL. 1he besL way Lo make use of Lhls Llme, l concluded, was Lo spend lL self-educaLlng myself.
knowledge ls power.
l began a dally rouLlne of walklng Lo 8arnes & noble ln Calabasas every day, where l would spend
hours readlng books LhaL ranged from blographles of powerful leaders, hlsLorles of slgnlflcanL perlods,
self-help books, phllosophy and psychology LexLs, and hlsLorlcal flcLlon novels. l someLlmes even spenL
enLlre days Lhere, from Lhe Llme lL opened Lo Lhe Llme lL closed. ln Lhe afLernoons, Lo my exLreme rage, l
someLlmes saw young couples sLrolllng Lhrough Lhe sLore. SomeLlmes Lhey would even slL on Lhe
readlng chalrs, klsslng and fondllng each oLher. Whenever l saw Lhls, l goL so overcome by envy and
hearLbreak LhaL l wenL Lo Lhe baLhroom Lo cry. 1he occaslonal couples dldn'L sLop me from golng Lhere,
however, because lL was Lhe mosL beneflclal Lhlng for me Lo do aL LhaL momenL.

l sLlll meL up wlLh hlllp and Addlson occaslonally, even Lhough l haLed Addlson. 1hey provlded me
wlLh a sense of a soclal llfe, and a way for me Lo venL abouL my Lroubles. Addlson LreaLed me llke a
lowllfe every Llme l hung ouL wlLh Lhem, and he kepL bragglng abouL Lhe glrls he meL aL parLles ln
Mallbu. l lndlgnanLly accused hlm of lylng, as LhaL was whaL l wanLed Lo belleve. Pe was only amused by
my envy. l Lhen found LhaL Addlson deleLed me from hls lacebook frlends llsL ouL of Lhe blue. 1hls was
Lhe lasL sllghL l would bear from hlm, and l subsequenLly senL hlm a haLeful lacebook message ln
response. l Lhen vlewed Addlson as a blLLer enemy of mlne. Pe Lruly was a dlsgusLlng and Lreacherous
llLLle basLard.
Addlson was once ln Lhe same poslLlon as l, buL rlghL when he succeeded ln lnLegraLlng wlLh Lhe
popular klds, he beLrayed me and LreaLed me Lhe same way Lhe popular klds LreaLed me, as lf l'm lowllfe
scum. 1he world Lruly ls a bruLal place, where a man musL flghL a blLLer sLruggle agalnsL all oLher men Lo
reach Lhe Lop. Pumans are noLhlng buL vlclous beasLs ln a [ungle.

l delved more lnLo learnlng as much as l could from books aL 8arnes & noble. l expanded on Lhe
pollLlcal and phllosophlcal ldeals l concocLed when l was sevenLeen, and l soon became even more
radlcal abouL Lhem Lhan l ever was before. lL was all fueled by my wlsh Lo punlsh everyone who ls
sexually acLlve, because l concluded LhaL lL wasn'L falr LhaL oLher people were able Lo experlence sex
whlle l have been denled lL all my llfe. l sLarLed Lo have Lhe deslre Lo creaLe a world where no one ls
allowed Lo have sex or relaLlonshlps. l agaln saw LhaL as Lhe perfecL, falr world. 8eproducLlon can be
accompllshed wlLhouL sex, Lhrough arLlflclal lnsemlnaLlon. Sex ls evll, as lL glves Loo much pleasure Lo
Lhose who don'L deserve lL.
l shaped all of Lhese ldeals Lhrough learnlng and self-educaLlng myself for hours every day. My
personallLy became even more rlgld, and l sLarLed Lo dress ln very conservaLlve aLLlre.

l wenL wlLh my moLher Lo Lhe yearly ChrlsLmas parLy aL Lhe Lemelson's. l spenL mosL of Lhe Llme wlLh
!ames, dlscusslng wlLh hlm furLher abouL my ldeals. We also played a loL of vldeo games wlLh noah and
hls frlends. noah was really lnLeresLed ln nlnLendo games, and he had a loL of Lhem. laylng games wlLh
Lhem remlnded me of a Llme, long ago ln my pasL, when l played nlnLendo 64 as a chlld, bllssfully llvlng
llfe ln a world LhaL l LhoughL was good. l longed Lo be a chlld agaln, Lo be ln a brlghL place away from Lhe
cruel darkness of reallLy. l wlll always Lreasure Lhose memorles.

l had Lo go ChrlsLmas shopplng, and l declded Lo do lL aL Lhe Calabasas Commons. l was always golng
Lhere anyway. Whlle walklng around, l ran lnLo Maddy, who was Lhere wlLh her boyfrlend. lor some
sLrange reason, l have never had any sexual aLLracLlon Lowards Maddy, desplLe Lhe facL LhaL she's a
blonde glrl and l'm obsessed wlLh blondes. erhaps lL was because she used Lo be my frlend when we
were chlldren, l don'L know. 8ecause l wasn'L aLLracLed Lo her, l dldn'L flnd myself feellng as much
[ealousy as one mlghL Lhlnk l would ln such a slLuaLlon. lL was sLlll very awkward. l [usL sald hello Lo her
qulckly and walked away.

Cn new ?ear's Lve of 2010, Lhe day LhaL marked Lhe end of Lhe decade, l caughL a Lerrlble lllness and
had Lo sLay ln bed for Lhe whole afLernoon as well as Lhe nexL day. My moLher was golng Lo go Lo one of
her frlend's houses, buL she felL sorry for me and sLayed aL home. l spenL Lhe whole Llme lylng ln my
bed, broodlng abouL my llfe. l don'L know whaL was worse, Lhe physlcal paln l felL from Lhe slckness, or
Lhe emoLlonal paln and rage l had Lowards Lhe world. l would say Lhe laLLer.
When Lhe lllness had passed on Lhe followlng afLernoon, l LhoughL abouL how lL caused me Lo wasLe
my new ?ear's hollday ln my room, buL Lhen l mused LhaL l would have done Lhe same Lhlng anyway,
wheLher l was slck or noL, because l had no frlends Lo celebraLe new ?ear's wlLh.
l checked Addlson's lacebook proflle wlLh one of my sLalklng accounLs, and l saw LhaL he wenL Lo a
huge new ?ear's parLy aL a manslon wlLh hls popular Mallbu frlends. Pe Look loLs of plcLures of hlmself
poslng wlLh varlous glrls. l haLed hlm so much when l saw LhaL. 1he level of haLred l felL was unreal. >/
&'( #7,"5 /3/4+-),"5 % &'"-/# -7 #7A 0)+ ),@ '"# "7- @/6 l cursed aL Lhe world. WhaL was seen can
never be unseen, and l wlll never forgeL lL, nor wlll l forglve lL.

My hope LhaL l wlll one day have a beauLlful glrlfrlend and llve Lhe llfe l deslre slowly faded away. l
was ln Lhe same dark and mlserable place l had been a year prevlously, lonely, unwanLed, mlserable,
and seeLhlng wlLh rage aL Lhe world. l kepL Lhlnklng abouL how some boys were easlly able Lo geL
glrlfrlends sLralghL afLer Lhey wenL Lhrough puberLy. l couldn'L faLhom how Lhey dld lL, and l haLed and
desplsed Lhem for lL.
l kepL Lhlnklng abouL Leo 8ubenhelm, and how he klssed LhaL glrl nlcole aL Lhe Sagebrush CanLlna
when he was only Lwelve. H&/23/A Pe was able Lo have an lnLlmaLe experlence wlLh a glrl when he was
only Lwelve, and Lhere l was aL elghLeen, sLlll a klssless vlrgln. My envy of Leo became an obsesslon. l
kepL asklng my slsLer for lnformaLlon abouL hlm, buL she refused Lo Lell me anyLhlng. l frlghLfully
wondered lf he had losL hls vlrglnlLy already, and he mosL llkely had. Pe was a popular kld, and glrls
deslred hlm. Leo was happlly llvlng hls heavenly llfe wlLh Lhe knowledge LhaL he's worLh someLhlng Lo
Lhe world, whlle l had Lo wallow ln my mlsery and lonellness.
Llfe ls noL falr. Cne can elLher accepL LhaL facL, keellng over ln defeaL, or one can harness Lhe sLrengLh
Lo flghL agalnsL lL. My desLlny was Lo flghL agalnsL Lhe unfalrness of Lhe world.
My moLher carrled on pressurlng me Lo geL a [ob, and she would never leave me alone abouL lL. She
was a blL frusLraLed LhaL l wasn'L geLLlng one. 1he Lwo of us had a loL of argumenLs, and llvlng wlLh my
moLher became an exLreme hassle.
AfLer slgnlng me up Lo a program ln Lhe reglonal cenLer, my moLher found a llfe coach Lo counsel me
and help me flnd a [ob. 1hls llfe coach's name was 1ony, a bolsLerous 40 year old man who came Lo
meeL me every oLher week. l was open Lo golng along wlLh Lhls. l had plenLy of free Llme, and l was so
lonely LhaL any soclal lnLeracLlon was welcome. lor our meeLlngs, 1ony usually Look me ouL Lo lunch
somewhere ln Lhe valley, where he gave me advlce on soclallzlng and self-lmprovemenL.

l conLlnued searchlng for a [ob, buL l sLlll wasn'L able Lo flnd one. l refused all of Lhe [obs LhaL 1ony
suggesLed Lo me. 1he problem was LhaL mosL of Lhe [obs LhaL were avallable Lo me aL Lhe Llme were [obs
l consldered Lo be beneaLh me. My moLher wanLed me Lo geL a slmple reLall [ob, and Lhe LhoughL of
myself dolng LhaL was morLlfylng. lL would be compleLely agalnsL my characLer. l am an lnLellecLual who
ls desLlned for greaLness. l would never perform a low-class servlce [ob.
My faLher Lold me LhaL l could work for hls frlend karl Champley for a few weeks, Lo help hlm bulld a
sLalrcase ln hls new house. l knew karl qulLe well, for he used Lo come over Lo faLher's for dlnner
occaslonally. karl was [usL flnlshlng up bulldlng hls new house ln Woodland Pllls, [usL a few mlnuLes
away from faLher's house, and he offered Lo hlre me Lo help wlLh Lhe sLalrcase.
l agreed Lo Lake Lhls [ob. Sure, consLrucLlon work was lowly and laborlous, buL Lhls was dlfferenL. 1hls
was more llke asslsLlng a frlend, and lL would be ln a prlvaLe envlronmenL. lL was Lhe perfecL Lemporary
[ob opporLunlLy, and lL would mosL deflnlLely geL my moLher off my back. l sLlll wasn'L able Lo drlve, so l
rode my blcycle Lhere from moLher's house every mornlng. 1he Lrlp on Lhe blcycle Look 30 mlnuLes. lL
was gruellng Lo rlde a blcycle up LhaL sLeep wlndlng road every day, buL lL provlded good exerclse, whlch
l was ln need of. l worked wlLh karl every weekday for abouL Lhree weeks. lL Lurned ouL Lo be qulLe a
pleasanL experlence. karl was very frlendly and l en[oyed worklng wlLh hlm. When we flnlshed Lhe
sLalrcase, whlch was a splral sLalrcase LhaL led up Lo hls roof-deck, we Look a momenL Lo admlre Lhe
work we dld.

Cn my lasL day worklng for karl, l declded Lo sLop by aL faLher's house Lo have a drlnk. l was qulLe
parched from Lhe blcycle rlde. l enLered Lhe house wlLhouL knocklng because l belleved l had Lhe rlghL
Lo. As Lhe eldesL son, Lhe house should be my house afLer my faLher. Soumaya was surprlsed Lo see me,
and she goL angry LhaL l dldn'L knock. 1o Leach me a lesson, she ordered me Lo go back ouLslde and
knock. l refused, Lelllng her LhaL she has no rlghL Lo order me around anymore. l Lhen helped myself Lo a
glass of waLer. Soumaya knocked Lhe glass of waLer ouL of my hand and lL shaLLered on Lhe floor. laLher
clamored angrlly up Lhe sLalrs from hls offlce demandlng Lo know whaL was golng on. 1he Lhree of us
had a heaLed argumenL, and of course faLher Look Soumaya's slde. 1hey boLh klcked me ouL of Lhe
house, Lelllng me LhaL l'm noL Lo reLurn. l felL beLrayed and humlllaLed as l furlously made my way back
Lo moLher's house. AL LhaL very momenL, l haLed boLh of Lhem, and l wouldn'L see elLher of Lhem for
many monLhs. lor Lhose monLhs, my faLher was dead Lo me. My moLher was all l had lefL ln Lhls bleak
world.

uurlng LhaL same week, l had a cllmacLlc meeLlng wlLh hlllp and Addlson where my noxlous feud
wlLh Addlson AlLendorf reached a bolllng polnL. We wenL on an ouLlng Lo Lhe CrlfflLh ark CbservaLory,
as we usually dld when we goL LogeLher. 1hls Llme, my argumenLs wlLh Addlson were very lnLense. l
Lrled Lo lnsulL hlm as much as l could, ln a peLLy aLLempL Lo geL revenge aL hlm for all Lhe lnsulLs and
sllghLs he dealL Lo me. We wenL back and forLh aL each oLher for Lhe whole evenlng, Lo Lhe chagrln of
poor hlllp who had Lo puL up wlLh lL. 8y Lhe end of Lhe nlghL, Addlson sald someLhlng Lo me LhaL was so
offenslve lL wlll haunL me forever, and lL rang Lrue: no glrl ln Lhls whole world wlll ever wanL Lo fuck
you."
l already felL LhaL no glrl ln Lhe world wanLed Lo fuck me. l was a klssless vlrgln afLer all. 1haL was Lhe
sole reason why l was sufferlng. 8uL Lo hear lL come from someone else, someone llke Addlson, really
caused lL Lo slnk lnLo core of my menLallLy and emoLlons.
1haL whole nlghL made for a very vlle and wlcked experlence. l declded noL Lo see hlllp and Addlson
for a long Llme.

8ecause l was no longer seelng hlllp and Addlson, !ames was once agaln my only frlend. l frequenLly
Lalked Lo hlm over Skype. SomeLlmes l would go over Lo hls house, where Lhe Lwo of us wenL on our
LradlLlonal walks around Lhe allsades Lown cenLer. !ames sLlll played WoW, and he was Lrylng Lo geL me
back lnLo lL. l was qulLe LempLed. AfLer everyLhlng l had been Lhrough ln Lhe lasL few monLhs, l dld feel
Lhe urge Lo delve back lnLo LhaL vold. laclng Lhe world was Lough, and lL Look lLs Loll on me, especlally
slnce l've seen no resulLs. l was sLlll ln Lhe same poslLlon l had always been: Lonely, unwanLed, and
mlserable.

l found ouL LhaL my moLher was acLually daLlng !ack, Lhe wealLhy man who owned Lhe Mallbu beach
house. l always LhoughL he was only her frlend. My moLher never Lold me or my slsLer abouL any men
LhaL she daLed. She always kepL LhaL sLrlcLly prlvaLe. l hadn'L even meL !ack yeL. Pe was worLh well over
$300 mllllon, and he owned oLher manslons ln 8el Alr and 8everly Pllls.
When l found ouL abouL Lhls, l sLarLed Lo harbor Lhe hope LhaL my moLher wlll geL marrled Lo Lhls
man, and l wlll be parL of a rlch famlly. 1haL wlll deflnlLely be a way ouL of my mlserable and lnslgnlflcanL
llfe. Money would solve everyLhlng. l sLarLed Lo frequenLly ask my moLher Lo seek marrlage wlLh Lhls
man, or any wealLhy man for LhaL maLLer. She always adamanLly refused, and demanded LhaL l sLopped
Lalklng abouL lL. She Lold me LhaL she never wanLed Lo geL marrled agaln afLer her experlence wlLh my
faLher. l Lold her LhaL she should sacrlflce her well-belng for Lhe sake of my happlness, buL Lhls only
offended her furLher.

AL Lhe beglnnlng of summer, l flnally recelved my drlver's llcense. l had Lo Lake Lhe drlvlng LesL Lwlce
before l passed lL. 1he flrsL Llme, l Look lL aL Lhe WlnneLka uMv, and l made a few mlsLakes aL Lhe end
whlch caused me Lo fall lL. AfLer Laklng some lessons LhaL my moLher arranged for me, l gave Lhe drlvlng
LesL anoLher Lry aL Lhe 1housand Caks uMv. 1hls area was much easler Lo navlgaLe around, so l
managed Lo closely pass Lhe LesL.
Cnce my offlclal drlver's llcense came ln Lhe mall, my moLher Lold me some good news. She recelved
a new car from !ack, whlch meanL she could glve her older car Lo me. l now had a car of my own Lo
drlve. 1o be able Lo drlve Lo any place l wanLed Lo go provlded me wlLh a new sense of freedom LhaL l
never felL before. l felL more llke an adulL raLher Lhan a kld. l reallzed LhaL l could sLarL college agaln,
now LhaL l had Lhe ablllLy Lo drlve Lhere.

l reglsLered for a summer class aL Moorpark College. l read abouL Moorpark College onllne and found
LhaL lL was a much beLLer opLlon Lhan lerce College. My moLher and l drove up Lhere Lo Lake a look. 1he
campus was smaller ln scale, and more aesLheLlcally pleaslng. lL was locaLed ln Lhe Lown of Moorpark, ln
a gorgeous mounLaln area near 1housand Caks. l also saw a loL more beauLlful glrls Lhere Lhan l ever
saw aL lerce. Lverywhere l looked l saw beauLlful blonde glrls walklng around. 1hls college was [usL
rlghL for me.
ln Lhe days leadlng up Lo my flrsL day aL Moorpark, l felL a renewed sense of hope. A new college
provlded a new sLarL, and Lhls college looked perfecL ln every way. l had Lhe hope LhaL l could make lL
Lhere, LhaL l could make frlends, meeL some glrls, and evenLually flnd a preLLy glrl Lo be my glrlfrlend. l
plcLured her ln my mlnd all Lhe Llme, her cascadlng blonde halr, her beauLlful face, her sensual body.
LveryLhlng. l lmaglned us walklng hand ln hand Lhrough Lhe college, looklng aL Lhe magnlflcenL vlew of
Lhe mounLalns ln Lhe dlsLance as Lhe sun seLs behlnd Lhem. 1haL would be heaven. H)'- was whaL l
wanLed ln llfe. Lvery slngle haLe-fueled ldeal, world-vlew, and phllosophy l creaLed ln Lhe pasL was a
resulL of noL belng able Lo do -)'-.
l was very opLlmlsLlc on Lhe flrsL day. When l walked onLo Lhe campus l breaLhed ln Lhe fresh
mounLaln alr and admlred my surroundlngs. l was ln a new envlronmenL wlLh loLs of new posslblllLles.
1he class l Look was a world hlsLory class, and lL began on a good noLe. 1he class was well-sLrucLured and
Lhe Leacher was enLerLalnlng. AfLer Lhe class ended, l walked around Lhe college for an hour Lo explore
and ponder over how l can seL my llfe rlghL. Cnce agaln, l dared Lo hope LhaL Lhere could be a good
fuLure for me.

My renewed hope gave me solace for a few days, buL lL dld noL lasL. Moorpark soon became a place of
lonellness and despalr, [usL llke any oLher place l've aLLempLed Lo Lhrlve ln. 1he breaklng polnL was when
l saw good looklng couples walklng along Lhe area where l dreamed of walklng wlLh a glrlfrlend. 1o waLch
anoLher boy experlence lL, wlLh a beauLlful glrl who ()7:2# 9/ @,"/, was a llvlng hell. l consLanLly asked
myself whaL l dld wrong ln llfe, Lo be unable Lo have a beauLlful glrlfrlend.
lL was no beLLer lnslde Lhe classroom. 1here was Lhls one obnoxlous [ock wlLh a buzz-cuL who was
Laklng Lhe class wlLh hls gorgeous glrlfrlend. 1hey always saL nexL Lo each oLher, Lalklng and Louchlng
each oLher wlLh affecLlon. Lvery day l had Lo see Lhls, and my envy grew and grew. l consLanLly glared aL
Lhem wlLh raw haLred. 0)'- #,# % #7 &47"5 -)'- )/ #,# 4,5)-6 l yelled ouL Lo Lhe unlverse on Lhe way
home. 0)+ #7/( )/ #/(/43/ -)/ 273/ 71 ' 9/':-,1:2 5,42C '"# "7- @/6 0)+ #7 5,42( )'-/ @/ (76 CuesLlons
and quesLlons. All l could do was quesLlon why l was sufferlng so much ln[usLlce ln llfe.

My moLher one day Lold me LhaL l should become a wrlLer, because l had some LalenL ln wrlLlng. 1haL
was sLrange Lo hear. lor my whole llfe l was never LalenLed aL anyLhlng l Lrled. l was Loo physlcally weak
Lo play sporLs wlLh oLher boys when l was llLLle, l never became professlonal aL skaLeboardlng no maLLer
how much l pracLlced, and l was never LhaL skllled aL any vldeo games l played. even World of WarcrafL.
SLeve and Mark were able Lo play Lhelr characLers more sklllfully LhaL l ever dld, and Lhey sLarLed Lhe
game much laLer Lhan me. ueep down, l've always known LhaL l had no LalenLs, and l've always Lrled noL
Lo Lhlnk abouL lL.
lndeed, lL was sLrange Lo hear my moLher say LhaL l could become a LalenLed wrlLer, buL lL dld glve me
an ldea. l sLarLed Lo wonder lf l acLually could become a wrlLer. l could wrlLe an eplc fanLasy sLory LhaL
wlll be made lnLo a movle, and l wlll become rlch from lL. 8elng rlch wlll deflnlLely make me aLLracLlve
enough Lo have a beauLlful glrlfrlend. lL was noL lmposslble, and worklng Lowards lL would glve me
someLhlng Lo llve for. l mulled lL over ln my mlnd for a whlle.

We wenL Lo !ack's beach house ln Mallbu Lo spend a couple of nlghLs agaln. My moLher called me on
Lhe phone Lo Lell me Lhe plan whlle l was aL college. lL was a lonely and depresslng day aL school, and l
was glad Lo be able Lo have some resplLe aL Lhe lovely beach house. l lmmedlaLely drove Lhere from
Moorpark afLer my class was flnlshed.
MoLher had a few of her frlends over, and she boughL a loL of dellclous food. AfLer sLufflng myself
wlLh porLlons from every dlsh and drlnklng mulLlple glasses of wlne, l wenL on a long and peaceful walk
on Lhe beach, wlshlng LhaL l had a glrlfrlend Lo walk beslde me. 8efore l wenL Lo bed, l LhoughL a loL
more abouL Lhe posslblllLy of becomlng rlch. lf l was a mllllonalre and owned a house llke Lhe one l was
spendlng LhaL nlghL ln, l could have any glrl l wanL. 8elng ln LhaL poslLlon would make up for all of Lhe
mlsery l've had Lo go Lhrough ln Lhe pasL. and maklng up for lL ls my mosL lmporLanL goal ln llfe. My one
wlsh ls Lo feel saLlsfled for Lhe way my llfe ls.
l serlously sLarLed Lo conslder worklng Lowards wrlLlng an eplc sLory. l was always creaLlng sLorles ln
my mlnd Lo fuel my fanLasles. usually Lhose sLorles deplcLed someone llke myself rlslng Lo power afLer a
llfe of belng LreaLed unfalrly by Lhe world. l menLally examlned all of Lhe sLorles l had developed, and
focused on Lhe few LhaL l LhoughL would become besLsellers. lf l could geL one of Lhem made lnLo a
movle, l would deflnlLely be a mllllonalre. lL was Lhe only soluLlon Lo my problems. l saw myself as a
hlghly lnLelllgenL and magnlflcenL person who ls meanL for greaL Lhlngs. 1hls could be one of Lhem.

l spenL Lhe nexL couple of weeks focuslng on wrlLlng for myself lnsLead of worklng on my schoolwork.
1he class dldn'L glve much homework Lo do anyway. l wroLe summarles for Lhree dlfferenL sLorles, and l
Lhlnk l showed Lwo of Lhem Lo my moLher. She seemed Lo Lhlnk LhaL Lhey would make good movles, and
LhaL lncreased my confldence. l elLher wanLed Lo wrlLe a novel flrsL, or go sLralghL Lo maklng lL a
screenplay.
l spenL every afLernoon for Lwo weeks worklng on Lhls goal. My Llme aL college was mlserable. l ofLen
crled on Lhe way home because l was envlous of so many couples walklng around. l poured all of my
energy lnLo comlng up wlLh a way Lo make Lhls goal work.
My falLh LhaL l could wrlLe an eplc sLory LhaL would make me rlch soon collapsed. l read so many
arLlcles onllne of Lhe chances LhaL a screenplay would be made lnLo a movle. l also saw LhaL mosL wrlLers
of even Lhe hlghesL budgeL fllms dldn'L make as much as l LhoughL Lhey dld. ueflnlLely noL enough Lo
llve on for Lhe resL of Lhelr llfe. l also LhoughL, wlLh a loL of despalr, of Lhe -,@/ LhaL lL would Lake Lo
achleve such a goal. MosL besLselllng auLhors or screenwrlLers dldn'L become mllllonalres unLll Lhey
were well lnLo Lhelr forLles or flfLles. l dldn'L wanL Lo walL unLll l was forLy years old Lo lose my vlrglnlLy!
1he LhoughL of spendlng Lhe nexL LwenLy years worklng hard every day for a chance Lo make a mllllon or
Lwo fllled me wlLh revulslon. 8y Lhe Llme l'd become a mllllonalre from dolng LhaL, l wouldn'L even be
able Lo geL hoL young glrls because l'd be Loo old. l declded LhaL wrlLlng was noL my paLh Lo salvaLlon,
and l abandoned Lhe ldea compleLely. Cf course, l would become LanLallzed wlLh Lhe ldea a few more
Llmes ln Lhe fuLure, buL LhaL would be due Lo Lhe desperaLe, false hope LhaL l ofLen creaLe for myself.

l couldn'L sLand seelng LhaL damnable couple ln my class anymore. l never undersLood whaL LhaL
preLLy glrl saw ln her bruLe of a boyfrlend. 1haL guy was able Lo experlence hls college llfe wlLh hls
beauLlful glrlfrlend by hls slde, whlle l was all alone. lL made me feel so lnferlor. l had Lo waLch Lhem
LogeLher, every slngle day. 1he LorLure was unbearable. When l goL home from college one day, l
dropped my class ln a rage.
l dldn'L Lhlnk abouL how my moLher would reacL Lo me dropplng Lhe class. l knew she would be very
dlsappolnLed, and l couldn'L afford Lo have her be dlsappolnLed ln me. l was relylng on her for
everyLhlng. WhaL she gave Lo me, she could easlly Lake away. l panlcked and resolved Lo geL a [ob ln
order Lo placaLe her.

AfLer asklng 1ony, my soclal skllls counsellor, lf l could geL a [ob Lhrough Lhe reglonal cenLer, he called
me back and Lold me LhaL Lhere was a [ob avallable for me. l dldn'L geL much lnformaLlon abouL lL, buL l
declded Lo slgn up for lL rlghL Lhere and Lhen. AfLer Lhls was secure, l was comforLable enough Lo Lell my
moLher LhaL l dropped my class aL Moorpark. l could have lled Lo her and Lold her LhaL l never dropped
Lhe class, buL aL LhaL Llme l was Loo scared Lo lle Lo her.
l sLarLed a day of worklng aL Lhls new [ob. lL was locaLed ln an offlce bulldlng LhaL was connecLed Lo
an AlrporL ln Los Angeles. 1o my horror and humlllaLlon, Lhe [ob Lurned ouL Lo be a menlal cusLodlal [ob,
and l had Lo clean offlces and even Lhe baLhrooms. 1here was no way l would ever degrade myself Lo
such a level. l felL llke uLLer shlL from even conslderlng worklng aL such a place. l only worked for a few
hours whlle l LhoughL abouL how Lo handle Lhls foul slLuaLlon. and on Lhe nexL day l called Lo announce
LhaL l was qulLLlng. 1haL was Lhe second and lasL [ob" l would ever have. l only worked Lhere for less
Lhan a day.
AfLer l qulL, l fell lnLo an even worse sLaLe of panlc Lhan l was ln afLer l dropped my Moorpark class. l
rapldly pesLered myself wlLh Lhe ulLlmaLe quesLlon: 0)'- '@ % -7 #7 "7&6 l called up karl Champley Lo
see lf he had anoLher [ob for me aL hls house, buL he Lold me LhaL hls house was almosL flnlshed and
Lhere was llLerally no work for me Lo do Lhere. l was doomed. l LhoughL LhaL lf my moLher found ouL LhaL
l qulL, she would klck me ouL of her household.
My moLher was Laklng a vacaLlon ln Pawall wlLh my slsLer durlng Lhls Llme. l had a few days by myself
Lo relax and ploL my nexL move. l concluded LhaL golng Lo college and endurlng Lhe slghL of couples
walklng around was beLLer Lhan havlng Lo resorL Lo worklng a low-class [ob somewhere, and l had Lo plck
one of Lhe Lwo ln order Lo placaLe my moLher. College was also more beneflclal because l could learn
and educaLe myself Lhrough lL.
l called up my moLher and crled Lo her on Lhe phone, explalnlng Lo her why l qulL Lhe [ob LhaL l slgned
up for, and asked her lf she would glve me anoLher chance. l Lold her l wlll reglsLer for more classes aL
Moorpark and pour all of my energy lnLo sLudylng hard. l also Lold her LhaL l wlll conLlnue wlLh worklng
on my wrlLlng. 1o my rellef, she was very undersLandlng, and she Lold me she would conLlnue Lo supporL
me lf l dld Lhls.

1he Lemporary pressure l had Lo face LhaL summer was eased, buL afLer Lhlnklng abouL lL, l supposed
lL was lnslgnlflcanL compared Lo Lhe overall pressure LhaL's been on my shoulders ever slnce l hlL
puberLy: My sLruggle agalnsL a socleLy LhaL looks down upon me. agalnsL Lhe female gender for denylng
me sex and love. Addlson AlLendorf's hurLful words kepL haunLlng me all LhroughouL Lhe summer. l saw
my fuLure and l saw only more bleak lonellness. % &,22 "/3/4 )'3/ (/F. % &,22 "/3/4 )'3/ 273/. N,42( #//@
@/ :"&74-)+ 71 ,-C l LhoughL Lo myself over and over agaln. l crled every day when l lmaglned how much
fun and pleasure oLher Leenagers were havlng as l langulshed ln despalr.

My 19
Lh
blrLhday passed by sullenly, and lL caused me Lo feel even more defeaLed. L,"/-//" '"# (-,22 '
3,45,"C l mlserably proclalmed on LhaL day. My faLher dldn'L even delgn Lo glve me a phone call. lnsLead,
he senL me a leLLer wlshlng me happy blrLhday and Lelllng me LhaL he wanLed me Lo apologlze Lo
Soumaya, whlch of course l refused Lo do.
1he lapLop l recelved on my 17
Lh
blrLhday had become lnfecLed wlLh vlruses, so my moLher boughL
me a new, even beLLer lapLop on my 19
Lh
blrLhday. l chose one LhaL can handle vldeo games very well,
because l had [usL made Lhe declslon Lo sLarL playlng World of WarcrafL agaln. l [usL couldn'L handle Lhe
angulsh ln my llfe anymore, and l needed a break, no maLLer how unhealLhy and Llme-consumlng WoW
would be for me.

ME G);-' <.*

upon seLLlng up my new lapLop, l lmmedlaLely lnsLalled all of my WoW dlsks. l logged onLo my
accounL and Look a look aL all of my characLers LhaL l hadn'L Louched for a year and a half. 8lghL when l
logged onLo my maln characLer, l was conLacLed by !ames, and he lnvlLed me Lo [oln an onllne group
wlLh hlm, SLeve, and Mark. 1hey all gave me a warm welcome back.
And Lhere l was, sLuck ln Lhe vold of hopelessness once agaln, ln Lhe exacL same poslLlon as l had
been when l was fourLeen, flfLeen, slxLeen and sevenLeen. lor all Lhe efforLs l made Lo lmprove my llfe
durlng my elghLeenLh year, l had noLhlng Lo show for lL. no frlends, no glrls, no 2,1/.

l sLarLed golng Lo !ames's house a loL more, slnce l was now able Lo drlve and Lhe Lwo of us could play
WoW LogeLher agaln. Seelng !ames was always pleasanL ln lLs own way. Pe was my comrade ln vlrglnlLy,
for he Loo dldn'L geL any aLLenLlon from glrls, and l'm sure he suffered from lL, buL noL as much as l dld. l
was very perplexed as Lo why he dldn'L feel any anger Lowards glrls for denylng hlm sex. Pe should be
[usL as angry as l am. l supposed he dldn'L have a very hlgh sex drlve, or he was [usL a generally weak
person.
1o be angry abouL Lhe ln[usLlces one faces ls a slgn of sLrengLh. lL ls a slgn LhaL one has Lhe &,22 Lo flghL
back agalnsL Lhose ln[usLlces, raLher Lhan bowlng down and accepLlng lL as faLe. 8oLh my frlends !ames
and hlllp seem Lo be Lhe weak, accepLlng Lype, whereas l am Lhe 1,5)-/4. l wlll never sLand Lo be
lnsulLed, and l wlll evenLually have my revenge agalnsL all Lhose who lnsulL me, no maLLer how long lL
Lakes.

lor Lhe resL of Lhe summer, l Look lL easy and played WoW wlLh !ames, SLeve, and Mark, [usL llke old
Llmes. l also sLarLed readlng a new book serles called A Song of lce and llre, by Ceorge 8.8. MarLln. 1hls
medleval fanLasy serles was specLacular. 1he flrsL book of Lhe serles was A Came of 1hrones, and once l
read Lhe flrsL chapLer l [usL couldn'L puL lL down. lL was llke noLhlng l had ever read before, wlLh a huge
array of complex characLers, a few of whom l could relaLe Lo. l found ouL LhaL lL was golng Lo be adapLed
lnLo an P8C Lelevlslon serles, and l became very exclLed for LhaL.
uelvlng lnLo fanLasy sLorles llke WoW and Came of 1hrones dldn'L make me forgeL abouL all of my
Lroubles ln llfe, buL Lhey dld glve me a Lemporary and rellevlng sense of escape, whlch l need from Llme
Lo Llme. Llfe would be lmposslble Lo handle wlLhouL Lhose Lemporary resplLes.

8ob Lemelson suggesLed Lo my moLher LhaL l [oln Lhe karaLe class he pracLlces ln. 8ob was an experL
black-belL, and !ames was also Laklng Lhe same class wlLh hlm. 1hey meL up every 1uesday and lrlday
nlghL, and l agreed Lo go on lrldays. Lvery lrlday, l began Lhe rouLlne of drlvlng up Lo !ames's house, and
Lhen Lhe Lwo of us would go ln !ames's car Lo Lhe karaLe class ln SanLa Monlca. !ames goL hls flrsL car a
few monLhs afLer l goL mlne, Lhough hls car was a loL older and worn ouL.
8ob LhoughL LhaL sLarLlng karaLe would be healLhy for me, as lL ls meanL Lo lncrease confldence and
bulld characLer. l was eager Lo see lf l could beneflL from lL. 1he class was pleasanL. lL gave me a good
work ouL and a sense of lnvlgoraLlon. 1here were usually slx or seven oLher sLudenLs, and l was
parLlcularly annoyed wlLh Lhls one Lwelve year old kld who seemed Lo Lhlnk he was beLLer Lhan me
because he was a brown belL and l was a novlce whlLe belL. l beL he LhoughL he could beaL me ln a flghL
because of lL. Pah! no chance ln LhaL. lL was annoylng, buL l was amused aL Lhe same Llme.
AfLer Lhe karaLe class, 8ob would Lake us ouL Lo a nlce resLauranL for dlnner lf he had Llme. lf 8ob was
busy LhaL nlghL, !ames and l would go Lo our usual dlnner place ln Lhe pallsades, and Lhen we would go
back Lo hls house Lo hang ouL for a whlle.

My new semesLer aL Moorpark College began. l only managed Lo slgn up for one class, buL l promlsed
my moLher LhaL l would do aL leasL Lhree classes ln Lhe nexL semesLer. 8oLh of my grandma's offered Lo
send me some money Lo help me ouL wlLh llvlng expenses, and l wlsely saved every check l recelved
from Lhem. Cne of my prlorlLles was Lo sLarL bulldlng up my money savlngs ln case my llfe became Loo
drasLlc.
1he class l sLarLed was a pollLlcal sclence class. l flgured l would galn some useful knowledge by Laklng
lL, Lhough l dlsllked Lhe Leacher because he had Lhe Lendency Lo randomly call on me Lo answer
quesLlons. l was sLlll Lerrlfled of speaklng ln fronL of Lhe class, even lf lL was for one senLence. My soclal
anxleLy has always made my llfe so dlfflculL, and no one ever undersLood lL. l haLed how everyone else
seemed Lo have no anxleLy aL all. l was llke a crlpple compared Lo Lhem. 1helr llves musL be so much
easler. 1hankfully, Lhere were no couples ln Lhls class, buL l sLlll had Lo see Lhem when l walked Lhrough
Lhe school. 1he only Lhlng l could do was keep my head down and preLend Lhey dldn'L exlsL. l sLlll crled
on Lhe drlve home every day.

Crandma !lnx came Lo vlslL Lhe unlLed SLaLes ln CcLober, where she sLayed aL faLher's house. 1hls
presenLed a dlfflculL slLuaLlon. She of course wanLed Lo see me, her eldesL grandson, buL l wasn'L on
speaklng Lerms wlLh my faLher and Soumaya. l was very resenLful of my faLher for Lhe way he LreaLed
me durlng LhaL lasL lncldenL, and l wlll never forglve hlm for lL. My faLher effecLlvely abandoned me aL
one of my mosL cruclal polnLs ln my llfe. 1hough ln facL, he was never really presenL ln my llfe Lo
abandon me ln Lhe flrsL place. When l Lhlnk abouL lL, he was always absenL from my llfe. When my whole
world Look a downward splral lnLo darkness afLer l hlL puberLy, he never made any efforL Lo save me. Pe
[usL dldn'L care.
l would never leL whaL happened Lo me happen Lo a son of mlne, lf l had a son. Lhough from Lhe way
Lhlngs have been golng, l'll never have a chance Lo have a son, because glrls don'L wanL Lo have sex me. l
would make such a beLLer faLher Lhan my own faLher.
Crandma !lnx pushed Lhe boLh of us Lo reconclle. She lnslsLed LhaL l meeL her and faLher aL faLher's
house, where Lhe Lhree of us would seL ouL Lo have lunch somewhere. l showed up and gave my
grandma a hug. laLher dldn'L say a word Lo me, nor l Lo hlm.
We wenL Lo our local !apanese resLauranL. laLher saL ln sllence whlle Crandma !lnx asked me loLs of
quesLlons abouL my llfe. LvenLually we goL around Lo Lhe sub[ecL LhaL was hanglng ln Lhe alr. lf lL weren'L
for my grandma, Lhe conversaLlon would have goLLen nowhere. laLher and l wenL back and forLh aL each
oLher wlLh accusaLlons. Crandma !lnx persuaded Lhe Lwo of us Lo drop our grudges and move on. lor
her sake, we acqulesced. l shook hands wlLh faLher as we agreed Lo puL Lhe pasL behlnd us.
l wenL on a walk wlLh Crandma !lnx afLer we reLurned Lo faLher's house. l Look her up Lo my old
conLemplaLlon spoL, Lhe hlllLop LhaL overlooks faLher's nelghborhood, whlch l always called Lhe
Cverlook. 1haL place ls one of Lhe mosL speclal places ln my llfe. l have memorles of lL sLreLchlng back all
Lhe way Lo when l was a [oyful Len-year-old. l remember golng up Lhere Lo skaLeboard all Lhe way down,
l rode my blcycle up Lhere durlng my mlddle school years, l hlked up Lhere wlLh Max when he was
sLaylng aL faLher's house as an exchange sLudenL, l langulshed Lhere ln despalr when l wenL on my lonely
walks aL Lhe age of sevenLeen and elghLeen, and now l was showlng lL Lo my grandma. When Lhe Lwo of
us reached Lhe Lop, every memory came back Lo me, and l felL a blLLersweeL sense of nosLalgla.
AfLer Lhe walk, l dldn'L wanL Lo enLer faLher's house. Soumaya was ln Lhere, and l hadn'L seen her
slnce LhaL dreadful day when she made faLher Lhrow me ouL. Cnce agaln, my grandma forced Lhe lssue,
and l agreed Lo go ln for a Lalk. We all saL down aL Lhe klLchen Lable and agreed LhaL argulng would geL
us nowhere. laLher and Soumaya were wllllng Lo sLarL over, and l agreed Lo glve our relaLlonshlp
anoLher chance. 8efore my grandma deparLed back Lo Lngland, she made us promlse Lo keep up Lhe
poslLlve relaLlons, and made sure LhaL Lhey would lnvlLe me over for dlnner frequenLly.

l soon wenL Lo one of Lhose dlnners aL faLher's house. lL was an awkward experlence, Lo have dlnner
wlLh Lhe Lwo of Lhem afLer all of LhaL Lenslon. We dldn'L ralse any lssues and Lalked abouL pleasanL
Lhlngs. lL was nlce Lo see my broLher !azz agaln. l was shocked by how much he had grown ln Lhe pasL
several monLhs. Pe was no longer a baby, buL a flve-year-old boy who was Lurnlng slx soon. l could
acLually have full conversaLlons wlLh hlm. Pe was a very soclal boy, and qulLe bolsLerous. and LhaL
sLarLed Lo worry me. Pe could well Lurn lnLo one of Lhe people l have desplsed and envled so much. l felL
a hlnL of [ealousy LhaL my flve-year-old broLher was so well versed ln soclal skllls aL such a young age. l
always suffered from shyness and soclal anxleLy, buL !azz dldn'L seem Lo have LhaL problem.
l puL LhaL worry aL Lhe back of my mlnd. Pe was my broLher, and he really looked up Lo me. Pe was
one of Lhe few people who LreaLed me Lhe way l wanL Lo be LreaLed, wlLh respecL and adoraLlon. l
en[oyed spendlng Llme wlLh Lhe boy.
As l goL more used Lo havlng a car of my own Lo drlve, l frequenLly wenL on whaL l called nlghL
drlves" around my moLher's nelghborhood. 1hey almosL replaced Lhe long walks l used Lo Lake ln Lhe
afLernoons. SLaylng ln my room all Lhe Llme only lncreased my depresslon. lL was suffocaLlng. 1o ease
Lhls suffocaLlon, l frequenLly goL ln my car aL nlghL, Lurned on Lhe radlo, and wenL on a drlve wlLh no
parLlcular desLlnaLlon. 1he song 1wo ls 8eLLer 1han Cne" always played on Lhe radlo when l wenL on
Lhose nlghL drlves. lL made me feel sad, Lhough lL was sooLhlng aL Lhe same Llme. 1haL song wlll always
remlnd me of Lhe lonellness l felL durlng Lhose experlences.
l soon learned Lhe hard way Lo noL go on nlghL drlves on lrldays and SaLurdays. 1haL was when
Leenagers were ouL and abouL. Lven ln Lhe peaceful resldenLlal nelghborhood LhaL my moLher llved ln, l
frequenLly saw bands of Leenagers roamlng Lhe sLreeLs. 1hey were hlgh schoolers, younger Lhan me,
mosLly skaLeboarder punks or fooLball [ocks who had preLLy glrls beslde Lhem. 1he slghL of Lhem
enraged me Lo no end. lL remlnded me of Lhe llfe l mlssed ouL on. 1hey were probably on Lhelr way Lo
some house parLy, where Lhey wlll geL drunk and have sex and do all sorLs of fun pleasurable Lhlngs LhaL
l've never had Lhe chance Lo do. O'@" -)/@ '22A

My AuLumn semesLer aL Moorpark College flashed by llke a subLle llghLnlng bolL. lL was as lf lL dldn'L
even exlsL ln my llfe. Moorpark College was supposed Lo be a place of hope for me, buL lL Lurned lnLo a
place of despalr, [usL llke everyLhlng else. l was lnvlslble Lhere. nobody knew l exlsLed or cared who l
was. AL leasL Lhls Llme l flnlshed a class.
1he day of my flnal exam was uecember 7
Lh
, whlch was also Lhe day Lhe new expanslon Lo World of
WarcrafL was released, called CaLaclysm. l compleLed my flnal exam wlLh ease, and Lhus l compleLed my
flrsL college class, ln whlch l recelved Lhe grade of a 8. AfLerwards, l rushed Lo 8esL 8uy Lo purchase Lhe
new game. WlLh new WoW expanslons, some of Lhose old feellngs LhaL l felL when l flrsL played Lhe
game came back Lo me, and l wanLed LhaL feellng agaln. lL was comforLlng, and Lhe sense comforL was
someLhlng l needed Lo cushlon myself wlLh. l also knew LhaL l would beaL !ames, SLeve, and Mark Lo Lhe
nexL hlgh level cap. l supposed lL would provlde a small sense of compeLlLlve saLlsfacLlon. CeLLlng a
characLer Lo Lhe hlghesL level Lhe fasLesL was Lhe only parL of Lhe game LhaL l was Lruly good aL, buL l
suppose LhaL was due Lo Lhe masslve amounLs of free Llme l had aL my dlsposal. Slnce my college class
was over and lL was wlnLer break, l could llLerally play Lhe game for every waklng mlnuLe.
And so l dld. My lasL sLlnL ln Lhe World of WarcrafL was an lnLense one. l reached Lhe new level cap ln
less Lhan Lwo days, and once l was Lhere l repeaLedly Look pleasure ln kllllng !ames's, SLeve's, and Mark's
characLers as Lhey Lrled Lo level up, as a peLLy form of revenge for Lhem leavlng me ouL of Lhelr
group meeLlngs years ago, and because l was [ealous LhaL SLeve and Mark were more skllled aL Lhe game
Lhan l was. 8elng a hlgher level for Lhose few days gave me Lhe advanLage l needed Lo even Lhe score.
8uL l dlgress.
AfLer Lwo weeks of playlng World of WarcrafL nonsLop, l once agaln came Lo Lhe abrupL declslon Lo
qulL. 1he new expanslon was a ma[or dlsappolnLmenL. 8llzzard LnLerLalnmenL, Lhe creaLors of Lhe game,
made changes LhaL l belleve rulned everyLhlng LhaL was fun abouL lL. l won'L geL lnLo Lhe deLalls, as mosL
of Lhe people readlng Lhls won'L undersLand compllcaLed vldeo game Lerms anyway.
8uL LhaL was only a small parL of Lhe reason why l qulL. 1he maln reason was Lhe dlsLurblng new
player-base. 1he game goL blgger wlLh every new expanslon LhaL was released, and as lL goL blgger, lL
broughL ln a vasL amounL of new players. l noLlced LhaL more and more normal" people who had acLlve
and pleasurable soclal llves were sLarLlng Lo play Lhe game, as Lhe new changes caLered Lo such a crowd.
WoW no longer became a sancLuary where l could hlde from Lhe evlls of Lhe world, because Lhe evlls of
Lhe world had now followed me Lhere. l saw people bragglng onllne abouL Lhelr sexual experlences wlLh
glrls. and Lhey used Lhe Lerm vlrgln" as an lnsulL Lo people who were more lmmersed ln Lhe game Lhan
Lhem. 1he lnsulL sLung, because lL was Lrue. us vlrglns dld Lend Lo geL more lmmersed ln such Lhlngs,
because our real llves were lacklng. l couldn'L sLand Lo play WoW knowlng LhaL my /"/@,/(C Lhe people l
haLe and envy so much for havlng sexual llves, were now playlng Lhe same game as me. 1here was no
polnL anymore. l reallzed whaL a Lerrlble mlsLake l made Lo Lurn my back on Lhe world agaln. 1he world
ls bruLal, and l need Lo flghL for my place ln lL. My llfe was aL a cruclal Lurnlng polnL, and l couldn'L wasLe
any more preclous Llme.

AL Lhe Lemelson's ChrlsLmas parLy, l Lold !ames LhaL l was qulLLlng WoW agaln, and he Lold me he
suspecLed l would very soon. lL was [usL a maLLer of Llme. Lven Lhrough playlng wlLh me over Lhe
lnLerneL, he could deLecL my anger and rage Lowards Lhe world seeplng Lhrough Lhe compuLer screen. l
quesLloned hlm abouL why he hlmself could go on llvlng wlLhouL feellng any sorL of anger or resenLmenL
abouL hls clrcumsLances, whlch were slmllar Lo mlne. Pe was, afLer all, a nlneLeen year old vlrgln [usL llke
l was. Pe [usL casually Lold me LhaL dldn'L pay aLLenLlon Lo lL, and focused on hls sLrengLhs. 0)'-
(-4/"5-)( #7 % )'3/ -7 178:( 7"6 l wondered. 1he world vlews me as a weakllng. erhaps l needed Lo
prove Lhe world wrong.

Cn ChrlsLmas uay, faLher held a huge ChrlsLmas parLy aL hls house. l was lnvlLed, slnce l was back on
speaklng Lerms wlLh Lhem. l goL a few new shlrLs for ChrlsLmas, so l declded Lo wear one for Lhe
occaslon. l hadn'L seen any of faLher's frlends for a whlle, and lL was nlce Lo reunlLe wlLh Lhem. 1he
8ubenhelm's weren'L Lhere, faLher had recenLly goL lnLo a flghL wlLh Alex, abrupLly endlng Lhelr
frlendshlp. l suppose lL was for Lhe besL. lf Leo was aL LhaL parLy, l would have probably goLLen lnLo a
nasLy flghL wlLh hlm. My haLred of Leo was so volaLlle LhaL l wanLed Lo confronL hlm. l wanLed Lo hurL
hlm. l couldn'L leL hlm geL away wlLh Lhe lnsulLs he dealL Lowards me ln Lhe pasL.
A few famlly frlends compllmenLed my appearance, and LhaL made me feel a blL beLLer abouL myself.
lL ls so pecullar how a slmple smlle or a compllmenL can compleLely change how l feel abouL Lhe world
for a few momenLs.

uurlng Lhe remalnlng days of 2010, l [olned my moLher and slsLer aL !ack's beach house ln Mallbu Lo
spend a few nlghLs. 1hey arrlved Lhere a few hours before me, and by Lhe Llme l reached Lhe house Lhey
had already lnvlLed a few guesLs for an afLernoon geL-LogeLher. 1o my ouLrage, l saw LhaL moLher had
lnvlLed Maddy '"# her boyfrlend. l was looklng forward Lo havlng anoLher resplLe aL Lhe beauLlful
Mallbu manslon where l can lndulge myself ln opulence and forgeL abouL my depresslng lonellness.
Pavlng a young couple lurklng around only remlnded me of my lnslgnlflcance. l was exLremely upseL
wlLh my moLher for lnvlLlng Lhem. She should have been more conslderaLe.
lf only l had a glrlfrlend of my own Lo Lake Lo LhaL place. 1haL beach house ls Lhe perfecL place Lo Lake
a glrlfrlend Lo. lL had a swlmmlng pool and a !acuzzl, lL was locaLed on a prlvaLe beach where we could
walk arm ln arm, and lL even had a prlvaLe movle LheaLre. Such an opporLunlLy &'(-/#C all because no
glrl would glve me a chance. lnsLead, l was all alone, and l had Lo see anoLher couple waLch movles
LogeLher ln LhaL very LheaLre.
1hankfully, LhaL couple only sLayed for a few hours. MoLher lnvlLed a few more guesLs, and we
ordered our dlnner Lo be dellvered from a local resLauranL. 8y Lhe Llme dlnner arrlved, l had already
consumed Lhree glasses of wlne, and l had a fourLh glass wlLh Lhe meal. LveryLhlng's beLLer wlLh some
wlne ln Lhe belly, as a famous characLer from Came of 1hrones would say. l was lefL ouL of mosL of Lhe
conversaLlons, llke l always was, so l [usL saL Lhere quleLly, slpplng my wlne as l had Lo bear llsLenlng Lo
Maddy Lalk abouL how awesome her llfe was.
l excused myself as soon as l flnlshed eaLlng, and boy dld l sLuff myself on LhaL meal. l Lhen walked
ouLslde onLo Lhe beach. 1he wlne had long slnce gone Lo my head, maklng me feel a sense of dlzzy
lnvlgoraLlon. l sLarLed walklng along Lhe shore, Laklng ln Lhe magnlflcence of Lhe genLle, moonllL ocean.
lL was so. romanLlc. l kepL walklng and walklng wlLh no desLlnaLlon ln mlnd. 1he romance of lL all fllled
me wlLh despalr and longlng. l wanLed a glrlfrlend Lo experlence LhaL momenL wlLh me, buL no glrl
wanLed Lo be my glrlfrlend. 1he only Lhlng l could do was lmaglne how heavenly lL would be Lo have a
beauLlful glrl by my slde. lL ls such a shameful Lragedy.
l ended up walklng for Lwo hours, and aL Lhe end of lL l was crylng Lo myself because l felL so sad.
When l reLurned Lo Lhe house, Maddy and her boyfrlend had lefL, and so dld mosL of Lhe guesLs. 1he
only guesLs who remalned were my moLher's frlends Alan and 8ebecca, and Lhelr sons, as Lhey were
spendlng Lhe nlghLs Lhere wlLh us.
l spenL Lhe resL of my Llme Lhere relaxlng and waLchlng movles ln Lhe LheaLre. We waLched Lhe enLlre
!urasslc ark Lrllogy, whlch broughL back fond memorles of my chlldhood. l wenL on a few more walks on
Lhe beach durlng Lhe dayLlme. 1haL beach was always quleL and peaceful, slnce Lhe only people who
vlslLed lL were Lhose who llved ln homes on Lhe beach. l Look full advanLage of Lhls. l've always found
beaches Lo be Lruly beauLlful, buL l could never go Lo publlc beaches because Lhey are full of young
couples walklng around ln Lhelr reveallng baLhlng sulLs, Lhe slghL of whlch fllls me wlLh envlous rage. Cn
Lhe prlvaLe beach, l could en[oy Lhe serenlLy of Lhe envlronmenL wlLhouL havlng Lo worry abouL young
couples maklng me [ealous. 1here were no young couples, only a few famllles and old couples here and
Lhere. l dld, however, pass by one young glrl, and she was llke a goddess who came down from heaven.
She was walklng alone, ln her baLhlng sulL, wlLh her lusclous blonde halr blowlng ln Lhe wlnd. l couldn'L
help buL slyly admlre her beauLy as we passed by each oLher. % &'( (8'4/#. l was scared LhaL she mlghL
vlew me as noLhlng buL an lnferlor lnsecL who's presence rulns her aLmosphere. Per beauLy was
lnLoxlcaLlng! And Lhen, [usL as we passed each oLher, she acLually 277B/# '- @/. She looked aL me and
(@,2/#. MosL glrls never even delgned Lo look aL me, and Lhls one acLually looked aL me and smlled. l had
never felL so euphorlc ln my llfe. P"/ (@,2/. Cne smlle was all lL Look Lo brlghLen my enLlre day. 1he
power LhaL beauLlful women have ls unbellevable. 1hey can Lemporarlly Lurn a desperaLe boy's whole
world around [usL by smlllng.
1haL smlle puL me ln a good, healLhy mood for Lhe resL of LhaL walk, buL lL soon faded away as l
reallzed LhaL l could never acLually have a glrl as beauLlful as LhaL. She probably only smlled ouL of
pollLeness. She would never go for me. And whaL ls Lhe polnL Lo llfe lf l can'L have a glrl of such beauLy?
Some men geL Lo have beauLlful glrlfrlends llke LhaL, and some don'L. l am among Lhose who are denled
such a pleasure, and LhaL ls why l haLe llfe.
AfLer spendlng Lhree days aL Lhe Mallbu beach house, l was sad Lo leave lL. l had a feellng l would
never see Lhe place agaln, and lL was Lrue. 1haL was Lhe lasL Llme l ever wenL Lhere. MoLher ended her
relaLlonshlp wlLh !ack someLlme wlLhln Lhe followlng monLhs, Lhough she would never Lell me dlrecLly
abouL lL.

l spenL new ?ear's Lve alone and mlserable, [usL llke Lhe prevlous year. And Lhe year before LhaL, for
LhaL maLLer. lL was Lhe lasL day my WoW accounL was acLlve, and l logged onLo WoW [usL for LhaL
occaslon. l angrlly had argumenLs wlLh random people onllne who l saw bragglng abouL Lhelr glrlfrlends.
l spewed ouL all of my haLred Lowards Lhem, buL Lhey were only amused. lL was a very aggravaLlng
experlence, and lL made me glad LhaL l cancelled my WoW accounL. 1here was nowhere l could hlde
anymore. 1lme was Llcklng, and a new ?ear was [usL beglnnlng. l concluded LhaL l had Lo puL more efforL
lnLo maklng beLLer use of my Llme.
l made a vow on new ?ear's uay LhaL l wouldn'L masLurbaLe unLll l dld someLhlng Lo successfully geL
one sLep furLher ln llfe. Pavlng a hlgh sex drlve, l usually masLurbaLed aL leasL every oLher day. l always
fanLaslzed abouL sex. and Lhe facL LhaL l was unable Lo have sex made me even more obsessed wlLh lL.
1o sLop masLurbaLlng for more Lhan Lhree days was a blg deal. l lasLed seven days. Cn Lhe sevenLh day
my sexual urges became Loo overwhelmlng. My whole body was enveloped ln lL. l LhoughL abouL glrls
every slngle second, and noL havlng a glrl Lo have sex wlLh was unbearable. l could noL even funcLlon
anymore, so l had Lo break my commlLmenL. 1he masLurbaLlon sesslon l had afLer LhaL seven-day dry
spell was asLoundlng. l dld my usual fanLaslzlng abouL havlng sex wlLh a beauLlful, Lall blonde-halred glrl,
buL Lhls Llme l lnLenslfled lL a loL, and made up a whole sLory ln my mlnd [usL Lo make Lhe experlence
seem more real. lf only lL could be real. Some men geL Lo llve LhaL fanLasy, whereas l could only dream
of lL. Llfe ls noL falr.

l flnlshed Lhe fourLh book of Lhe Song of lce and llre serles. 1he Lelevlslon adapLaLlon, Came of
1hrones was comlng ouL ln [usL a few monLhs, and l was really looklng forward Lo LhaL. l was also looklng
forward Lo Lhe flfLh book of Lhe serles, whlch had a release daLe of !uly 12
Lh
. AfLer flnlshlng all four
books, l had become a huge fan of Lhe serles. lL deplcLed a much more exclLlng world Lhan Lhe one l
llved ln, wlLh a large array of complex characLers, a few of whom l could really relaLe Lo.
As l was readlng up abouL Lhe release daLe for Lhe flfLh book, l found an onllne counLdown LhaL
showed each day, hour, mlnuLe, and second LhaL remalned unLll !uly 12
Lh
. Slnce !uly 12
Lh
was so close Lo
my 20
Lh
blrLhday, l used Lhls counLdown as Lhe offlclal counLdown of my lasL days as a Leenager. l made
lL my lnLerneL homepage, and hoped LhaL lL would moLlvaLe me Lo do everyLhlng l can Lo change my llfe
durlng Lhls cruclal perlod.

Slnce l was back ln faLher's good graces, my moLher agreed Lo meeL wlLh hlm and me Lo Lalk abouL
my llfe slLuaLlon. We had dlnner aL a !apanese resLauranL, where we had a long Lalk abouL whaL l was
dolng ln my llfe, and whaL my college plans were. My moLher and faLher boLh agreed LhaL ln order Lo
change my llfe, l needed Lo remove myself from my currenL envlronmenL and sLarL anew. Llvlng aL my
moLher's aparLmenL was becomlng unhealLhy, and Lhey LhoughL LhaL Lhlngs would lmprove lf l had my
own place. lL was aL Lhls momenL LhaL we began Lo form Lhe SanLa 8arbara plan, ln whlch l would go Lo
college ln SanLa 8arbara and llve amongsL Lhe sLudenLs Lhere.
1he SanLa 8arbara plan was formed on LhaL nlghL, buL lLs rooLs sLreLch all Lhe way back Lo when l [usL
Lurned elghLeen. lL was all because l waLched LhaL movle Alpha uog. 1he movle had a profound effecL on
me, because lL deplcLed loLs of good looklng young people en[oylng pleasurable sex llves. l LhoughL
abouL lL for many monLhs afLerward, and l consLanLly read abouL Lhe sLory onllne. l found ouL LhaL lL
Look place ln SanLa 8arbara, whlch prompLed me Lo read abouL college llfe ln SanLa 8arbara. l found ouL
abouL lsla vlsLa, Lhe small Lown ad[acenL Lo uCS8 where all of Lhe college sLudenLs llve and have parLles.
When l found ouL abouL all Lhls, l had Lhe desperaLe hope LhaL lf l moved Lo LhaL Lown l would be able Lo
llve LhaL llfe Loo. 1haL was Lhe llfe l wanLed. A llfe of pleasure and sex. l Lalked Lo my moLher abouL Lhe
prospecL of golng Lo college ln SanLa 8arbara a few Llmes durlng my elghLeenLh year. She LhoughL lL was
a good ldea, lL would cerLalnly free her of Lhe burden of llvlng wlLh me, buL we never serlously
consldered lL. unLll LhaL day.
My moLher proposed Lhe plan Lo faLher, and faLher became very enLhuslasLlc abouL lL. We lald down
Lhe groundwork rlghL Lhen and Lhere. laLher was sLlll sufferlng from hls flnanclal crlsls, buL he agreed Lo
pay for my LulLlon and conLrlbuLe flve hundred dollars a monLh Lowards my llvlng expenses, whlle my
moLher would pay for my aparLmenL renL and conLlnue Lo provlde me wlLh Lhe car. l was Lo do one more
semesLer aL Moorpark for Lhe Llme belng, and Lhen Lransfer Lo SanLa 8arbara ClLy College ln Lhe
summer.
1hls was a very asLonlshlng Lurn of evenLs. l dldn'L expecL Lhls, and l had no ldea how Lo reacL. l was
compleLely dumbfounded. l LhoughL lL was [usL golng Lo be a casual dlnner meeLlng where we would
slmply Lalk abouL my llfe, and we ended up maklng plans Lo drasLlcally change my llfe.
AL LhaL perlod of my llfe, l was on Lhe verge of glvlng up all hope LhaL l would ever llve Lhe llfe l wanL,
buL Lhls changed everyLhlng. l now had Lhe opporLunlLy Lo sLarL fresh, ln a beauLlful new Lown, aL a new
college, wlLh my own llvlng place. Cf course, l would have Lo share an aparLmenL wlLh oLher college
sLudenLs, buL LhaL was parL of Lhe experlence. lL would glve me more soclal credlblllLy Lhan llvlng wlLh
my moLher, LhaL's for sure. ueep down, l always wanLed an opporLunlLy llke Lhls, and now l had one, [usL
aL Lhe Llme when l was abouL Lo glve up on everyLhlng compleLely. lL was very overwhelmlng, and l
needed a few days Lo medlLaLe and Lake lL all ln.
lL was such an unbellevable Lurn of evenLs LhaL l dlsmlssed lL from my mlnd ln Lhe followlng Lwo
monLhs. lL was sLlll flve monLhs before l would sLarL college ln SanLa 8arbara, so l declded noL Lo worry
abouL lL for Lhe Llme belng. AL Lhe presenL, l had Lo worry abouL my new semesLer aL Moorpark LhaL was
[usL beglnnlng.

l was reglsLered Lo Lake Lhree classes for Lhe Sprlng semesLer aL Moorpark. 1he flrsL was an early
mornlng hlsLory class, followed by soclology and Lhen psychology. 1hey were all [usL as dlsasLrous as l
expecLed Lhem Lo be. l had Lo drop Lhe soclology class rlghL on Lhe flrsL day, because Lhere was Lhls
exLremely hoL blonde glrl who Look Lhe class wlLh her bruLe of a boyfrlend. l couldn'L sLand looklng aL
Lhem slLLlng LogeLher. l lefL Lhe class mld-sesslon because l couldn'L Lake lL anymore.
uropplng my soclology class lefL me wlLh a huge gap of Llme ln beLween my hlsLory and psychology
classes. uurlng Lhls Llme l usually wenL Lo a quleL, secluded spoL LhaL had a few Lables overlooklng Lhe
vlew of Lhe mounLalns. l spenL a loL of Llme here, wrlLlng ln my dlary and conLemplaLlng my place ln Lhe
world.
My Lwo remalnlng classes were noL much beLLer. ln my hlsLory class, l had a crush on a really preLLy
glrl, only Lo flnd ouL LhaL she had a boyfrlend, and ln my psychology class Lhere was Lhls group of popular
klds who acLed obnoxlous Lhe whole Llme. Cne of Lhem was a very preLLy blonde glrl, and she acLually
en[oyed assoclaLlng wlLh Lhe obnoxlous boys ln her cllque. 1he ln[usLlce! l haLed Lhem all. Lveryone
LreaLed me llke l was lnvlslble. no one reached ouL Lo me, no one knew l exlsLed. l was a ghosL. lL was
agony, buL l couldn'L drop all of my classes. l already felL gullLy abouL dropplng one of Lhem, and l was
afrald LhaL my parenLs would somehow flnd ouL. l sklpped class a loL, only golng ln for lmporLanL
lecLures and LesLs, and spenL a loL of Llme aL my usual secluded area aL Lhe college.
As l spenL a loL of Llme conLemplaLlng, l reallzed LhaL my llfe was repeaLlng lLself ln a vlclous clrcle of
LormenL and ln[usLlce. Lach new semesLer of college ylelded Lhe same lonely cellbaLe llfe, devold of glrls
or any soclal lnLeracLlon. lL was as lf Lhere was a curse of mlsforLune placed upon me. l wondered whaL
Lhe polnL was ln aLLempLlng Lo sLarL a new llfe ln SanLa 8arbara. Padn'L l done Lhe same aL Moorpark? l
LhoughL, wlLh a shlver of dread runnlng up my splne, abouL how horrlble lL would be lf Lhe same Lhlng
ends up happenlng afLer l make Lhe blg move Lo SanLa 8arbara. l dldn'L even wanL Lo lmaglne how much
of an eplc defeaL LhaL would be. l wlsely shuL away all LhoughLs abouL lL, and focused wlLh lnLense
deLermlnaLlon on how l can change my llfe rlghL aL Lhe currenL momenL.

My faLher gave me a book called 1he SecreL afLer l had dlnner aL hls house ln lebruary. Pe sald lL wlll
help me develop a poslLlve aLLlLude. 1he book explalned Lhe fundamenLals of a concepL known as Lhe
Law of ALLracLlon. l had never heard or read anyLhlng qulLe llke Lhls before, and l was lnLrlgued. 1he
Lheory sLaLed LhaL one's LhoughLs were connecLed Lo a unlversal force LhaL can shape Lhe fuLure of
reallLy. 8elng one who always loved fanLasy and maglc, and who always wlshed LhaL such Lhlngs were
real, l was swepL up ln a Lemporary wave of enLhuslasm over Lhls book. 1he prospecL LhaL l could change
my fuLure [usL by vlsuallzlng ln my mlnd Lhe llfe l wanLed fllled me wlLh a surge of hope LhaL my llfe
could Lurn ouL happy. 1he ldea was rldlculous, of course, buL Lhe world ls such a rldlculous place already
LhaL l flgured l mlghL as well glve lL a Lry. ln addlLlon, l was so desperaLe for someLhlng Lo llve for LhaL l
&'"-/# Lo belleve ln Lhe Law of ALLracLlon, even lf lL was proven Lo me LhaL lL wasn'L real.
Cnce l flnlshed readlng lL, l drove all Lhe way Lo olnL uume ln Mallbu and cllmbed ouL Lo Lhe cllffs aL
Lhe very edge. lL was a wlndy day, and l could see Lhe ocean rolllng below me. As nlghL fell, l looked ouL
Lo Lhe sLars and proclalmed Lo Lhe unlverse everyLhlng l wanLed ln llfe. l proclalmed how l wanLed Lo be
a mllllonalre, so l could llve a luxurlous llfe and flnally be able Lo aLLracL Lhe beauLlful glrls l coveL so
much. l wlshed Lo make up for Lhe years of youLh LhaL l wasLed ln bleak lonellness, and by dolng so l
would geL revenge on everyone who LhoughL Lhey were beLLer Lhan me, [usL by becomlng beLLer Lhan
Lhem Lhrough Lhe accumulaLlon of wealLh. l belleved LhaL Lhe only way for me Lo aLLaln Lhls wealLh aL
Lhe Llme was Lo wln Lhe LoLLery, and LhaL ls whaL l vlsuallzed dolng.
l Lhen descended Lhe cllffLop on olnL uume and walked along Lhe Mallbu ocean, [usL llke l dld a
couple of monLhs prevlously aL Lhe beach house. l saw a couple walklng along Lhe shore ahead of me,
Lhe man looked Lo be ln hls laLe 20's or early 30's, and Lhe glrl he was walklng wlLh looked llke a
supermodel. l assumed he was very rlch and owned a nlce house ln Mallbu. 1he Lwo of Lhem were
walklng hand ln hand, and l saw hlm subLly place hls hand on her ass every now and Lhen. Pe was llvlng
Lhe llfe. Pe was ln heaven. l was envlous, buL slnce Lhe man was older Lhan me, lL also gave me a Lwlnge
of hope, especlally afLer my proclamaLlon Lo Lhe unlverse aL Lhe cllffLop. lf l become a mulLl-mllllonalre, l
would be able Lo walk on Lhe beach wlLh a beauLlful glrlfrlend Loo, and my llfe would be compleLe. H)'-
was whaL l wanLed. 1haL was whaL l wlshed for ln my fuLure. As l've always belleved, % '@ #/(-,"/# 174
54/'- -),"5(. 8ecomlng a mulLl-mllllonalre aL a young age ls whaL l am meanL for.

My falLh was soon broken, as l boughL a few Megamllllons LoLLery LlckeLs and vlsuallzed myself belng
Lhe wlnner. l usually vlsuallzed lL by medlLaLlng on Lhe roofLop of my moLher's aparLmenL rlghL aL Lhe
Llme of Lhe drawlng. A parL of me knew lL was lmposslble Lo &,22 Lhe unlverse Lo make me Lhe wlnner
[usL by wlshlng for lL on a roofLop, buL l was so desperaLe LhaL l wanLed Lo belleve l could. l wanLed Lo
belleve l had Lhe QP0R; Lo do lL. AfLer falllng Lo wln when Lhe [ackpoL reseL because someone else won,
l losL all falLh ln LhaL book, and l almosL rlpped lL aparL ln frusLraLlon.
l desperaLely pondered lf Lhere was some oLher way l could make mllllons of dollars aL my age, buL l
came up wlLh noLhlng. l reallzed LhaL my mlserable, lonely vlrgln llfe was golng Lo conLlnue, and my only
hope was Lo glve SanLa 8arbara a Lry.

l was sLlll aLLendlng karaLe class wlLh !ames and 8ob Lemelson every week. MosL of Lhe Llme, 8ob
couldn'L make lL because he was busy wlLh someLhlng, so lL was mosLly [usL !ames and l golng LogeLher.
lL was a pleasanL lrlday nlghL LradlLlon LhaL had lasLed for Lhe lasL several monLhs, and l en[oyed Lhe
chance lL gave Lo hang ouL wlLh !ames and have some form of soclal lnLeracLlon. 8uL laLely, Lhlngs were
sLarLlng Lo geL Lense.
l was consLanLly annoyed aL how l wasn'L geLLlng beLLer aL my karaLe moves ln Lhe class, and LhaL one
llLLle kld sLlll LreaLed me wlLh dlsrespecL because l was sLlll a whlLe belL, and he was a brown belL. l was
also frusLraLed aL how !ames was so much physlcally sLronger Lhan l was, and how he was so much more
skllled aL karaLe Lhan me. uurlng sparrlng sesslons, Lhe deep anger lnslde me LhaL had accumulaLed over
a llfe of paln and ln[usLlce would someLlmes come ouL, and l used my anger Lo glve me an advanLage
when l sparred wlLh !ames and Lhe oLher sLudenLs. 1he karaLe Leachers dldn'L llke Lhls, and l was
crlLlclzed. l found Lhe anger Lo be qulLe euphorlc when l used lL Lo flghL, and l en[oyed lL ln a blLLersweeL
way.
AfLer our karaLe sesslon, when me and !ames wenL Lo a resLauranL ln Lhe allsades Lo have dlnner, l
someLlmes goL very angry when l saw a group of Leenagers, or a Leenage couple. l consLanLly Lalked Lo
!ames wlLh vehemenL rage abouL my envy and anger aL such people. l Lold hlm abouL how l wlshed l
could make Lhem all suffer. We had a loL of conversaLlons abouL whaL we would do lf we had all Lhe
power ln Lhe world, and l Lold hlm abouL all of Lhe LorLurous acLs of revenge l would carry ouL agalnsL all
Lhose who have lnsulLed me or llved a beLLer llfe Lhan me. l LhoughL LhaL !ames would relaLe Lo me,
slnce he was also a vlrgln who had no glrls ln hls llfe, buL some of Lhe Lhlngs l sald began Lo dlsLurb hlm.
Cne nlghL, he Lold me, wlLh a loL of dlsLress, LhaL enough was enough. Pe dldn'L wanL Lo hear lL
anymore. 1haL was also Lhe nlghL LhaL l declded Lo qulL Lhe karaLe class.
l dldn'L speak Lo !ames unLll Lhe Lwo of us aLLended 8ob Lemelson's blrLhday parLy ln laLe Sprlng. lL
was celebraLed aL a very upper class resLauranL ln Los Angeles, and Lhe Lemelson famlly renLed a prlvaLe
room wlLh seven Lables for Lhe occaslon. 1he food was absoluLely dellclous, and Lhe wlne was exqulslLe.
Lach boLLle was from 1983, and probably worLh over a Lhousand dollars each.
l was seaLed nexL Lo !ames aL Lhe young person's Lable", and aL LhaL Lable l ran lnLo none oLher Lhan
!ullan 8lLz-8arr! l hadn'L seen hlm slnce we were hanglng ouL LogeLher wlLh Charlle, !ohn !o, and Lll[ah.
1haL was seven years ago. 1he oaf dldn'L even remember who l was. l found ouL LhaL hls faLher was good
frlends wlLh 8ob. When l menLloned hlm earller ln Lhe sLory, l Lalked abouL how much l would envy hlm,
and Lhls was Lhe nlghL when LhaL happened. 1here were a few glrls aL our Lable, daughLers of 8ob's
frlends. Cne of Lhem was preLLy, l belleve she was Lhe daughLer of leLro Scalla, a renowned fllm edlLor,
she had very sexy eyes, and she was Lall. l always had a Lhlng for Lall glrls, and Lhls one was almosL Laller
Lhan me. l had Lo suffer waLchlng !ullan sweeL-Lalk all of Lhe glrls. Pe acLed so confldenLly, and Lhe way
Lhe preLLy glrl looked aL hlm wlLh Lhose sexy eyes of hers. LhaL was a look LhaL no glrl ever gave Lo me. l
could Lell LhaL she was aLLracLed Lo hlm.
l became more enraged wlLh each second l had Lo suffer Lhrough Lhls. 1he glrls LreaLed me llke l was
lnvlslble, buL Lhey all pald aLLenLlon Lo !ullan. WhaL made lL even worse was LhaL !ullan was a year
younger Lhan me, and he acLed llke an obnoxlous prlck, buL Lhe glrls llked lL! 1he more enraged l
became, Lhe more wlne l drank. !ames was probably worrled abouL how angry l was geLLlng, and he
Lrled Lo sLrlke up random conversaLlons wlLh me Lo dlsLracL me from !ullan. lL was very hard Lo help
myself from geLLlng up and dumplng my wlne all over !ullan's sLupld head. erhaps l would have. lf Lhe
blrLhday cake wasn'L presenLed so early. Lveryone sLood up Lo slng happy blrLhday Lo 8ob, and Lhen Lhe
meal was over. Some of Lhe guesLs lefL, and !ames and l swlLched Lo a dlfferenL Lable. 8y Lhe Llme Lhe
parLy was over, l had consumed elghL glasses of LhaL 1983 wlne. l was underage, buL no one seemed Lo
noLlce me drlnklng. l was llLerally sLumbllng ouL of Lhe resLauranL.

l saw !ames agaln a couple of weeks laLer, and LhaL would be Lhe lasL Llme l see hlm for qulLe a whlle.
lL was aL anoLher dlnner parLy of 8ob's LhaL he held aL hls house ln Lhe allsades, Lhough for no speclal
occaslon. 1hls Llme, anoLher person who was a LargeL of my exLreme [ealousy was Lhere, hls name was
8oy, an lndoneslan boy who was Lhe son of 8ob's housemald. Pe was four years younger Lhan me and
!ames, and he Look pleasure ln bragglng Lo us abouL hls success wlLh glrls. Pe kepL showlng us plcLures
of hls supposed LexLlng conversaLlons wlLh glrls. !ames dldn'L seem Lo mlnd lL, Lo my ouLraged surprlse.
l, on Lhe oLher hand, could barely LoleraLe Lhe lnsolenL llLLle worm.
AL Lhe parLy, !ames and l frequenLly wenL ouLslde Lo have conversaLlons abouL our fanLasles. l wlsely
refralned from geLLlng Loo exLreme ln whaL l sald, buL we came up wlLh some lnLeresLlng scenarlos. lor
lnsLance, we Lalked abouL whaL we would do lf we dlscovered LhaL we had cerLaln maglcal powers, and
lL would escalaLe Lo us comlng up wlLh our own sLorles of Lhe glory we would aLLaln ln such a slLuaLlon. l
Lalked abouL how l would use my powers Lo rule Lhe world and seL everyLhlng rlghL, and !ames had
slmllar ldeas as well. We seemed Lo be geLLlng along qulLe well, buL afLer LhaL nlghL !ames would refuse
Lo conLacL me for a couple of monLhs.

1he flrsL eplsode of my favorlLe Lelevlslon serles of all Llme, Came of 1hrones, was released ln Aprll. l
waLched lL wlLh profound exclLemenL. 8elng a fan of Lhe books, Lhls was a very anLlclpaLed evenL for me.
Seelng all of Lhe characLers LhaL l knew so well on Lhe Lelevlslon screen was specLacular. 1he show
exceeded all of my expecLaLlons. Lach week l looked forward Lo Lhe nexL eplsode, and each eplsode
gave me a small hlnL of [oy ln my oLherwlse bleak llfe.

1owards Lhe end of my Sprlng semesLer aL Moorpark, l was so frusLraLed wlLh my lonely sLaLus aL Lhe
college LhaL l refused Lo even drlve up Lhere ln Lhe lasL few weeks. l lefL my home ln Lhe mornlngs,
preLendlng Lo my moLher LhaL l was golng Lo college, buL lnsLead l wenL Lo 8arnes & noble and saL Lhere
unLll my moLher lefL for work, and Lhen l would go back home. l made sure Lo sLay aL 8arnes & noble for
aL leasL Lwo hours, [usL ln case my moLher lefL laLer Lhan usual. l have always ever been meLlculously
careful aL everyLhlng l've done.
Cn Lhe lasL day, l wenL Lo my classes, qulckly Look my flnal exams, and lefL. When my classes llned up
for Lhe flnal exams, everyone had a group Lo soclallze wlLh whlle l sLood on Lhe slde, alone. Lveryone
musL have LhoughL l was a compleLe loser. 1hank goodness lL was Lhe lasL day. 1he people ln Lhose
classes angered me Lo no end. 1haL was Lhe lasL Llme l would ever see LhaL college. Cn Lhe drlve home, l
crled Lo myself as l llsLened Lo muslc on Lhe radlo, as l always dld. l falled Lo geL Lhe llfe l wanLed aL
Moorpark.
l had noLhlng golng for me ln my llfe, excepL for Lhe prospecL of sLarLlng a new llfe ln SanLa 8arbara.
1haL was my only hope, and lL seemed very bleak. lrom Lhe way Lhlngs wenL aL Moorpark, l feared Lhe
worsL for how Lhlngs mlghL Lurn ouL ln SanLa 8arbara, buL l had Lo glve lL a Lry. l was desperaLe Lo have
Lhe llfe l know l deserve, a llfe of belng wanLed by aLLracLlve glrls, a llfe of sex and love. CLher men are
able Lo have such a llfe. so why noL me? l deserve lL! l am magnlflcenL, no maLLer how much Lhe world
LreaLed me oLherwlse. l am desLlned for greaL Lhlngs.

AL Lhe end of Sprlng l had Lo commence wlLh my summonlng Lo [ury servlce. l recelved Lhe summons
ln Lhe mall a few monLhs prlor, buL l posLponed lL unLll May because l was Loo angulshed Lo deal wlLh
such Lrlvlal maLLers aL Lhe Llme. 1he CourLhouse was all Lhe way ln SanLa Monlca. As l saL ln Lhe walLlng
room before my lnLervlew wlLh Lhe [udge, l saw a very preLLy glrl who looked abouL Lhe same age as l
was. She had a face LhaL melLed my hearL. 0)'- % &7:2# 5,3/ -7 )72# )/4 ," @+ '4@( '"# B,(( -)'- *4/--+
1'8/ 71 )/4(I l &'"-/# Lo Lalk Lo her, buL l [usL couldn'L. l felL Loo lnsecure. l was afrald she would Lhlnk
of me as a creep, as all oLher glrls dld. 1o my fury, anoLher guy came ln and sLruck up a conversaLlon
wlLh her. 1hey sLarLed Lalklng comforLably, and he even made her laugh! l had Lo waLch lL all, and lL
broke my hearL.
l wanLed Lo geL ouL of Lhere as soon as l could. l hoped LhaL l could make an excuse Lo avold havlng Lo
do [ury servlce. When l was called ln for Lhe lnLervlew, l requesLed Lo be excused due Lo Lhe facL LhaL l
was movlng Lo SanLa 8arbara soon. 1o my rellef, Lhe [udge Lold me l can go and wlshed me good luck. As
l drove ouL of Lhe CourLhouse parklng loL, l saw Lhe same preLLy glrl. She musL have been excused as
well. Agaln, l wlshed l could have sald someLhlng Lo her. She would have made Lhe perfecL glrlfrlend for
me, buL she was probably already aLLracLed Lo LhaL oLher guy who sweeL-Lalked her ln Lhe walLlng room.
uamn hlm! l felL so sad on Lhe drlve home. When l passed by Lhe allsades, l sLopped by aL a park LhaL l
used Lo play aL wlLh !ames when Lhe Lwo of us were llLLle. l walked around for a blL and Look a rlde on
Lhe swlng, remlnlsclng abouL happler Llmes.

AL Lhe very end of May, my moLher gave me an unpleasanL surprlse by Lelllng me LhaL l had Lo move
Lo SanLa 8arbara on !une 4
Lh
, whlch was [usL ln a few days. l wasn'L prepared Lo move so soon. l LhoughL
l would go Lhere Lowards Lhe end of !une, rlghL before l sLarL my summer class. l wanLed more Llme Lo
emoLlonally and menLally prepare for such a huge underLaklng. And lL &'( a huge underLaklng. lor Lhe
flrsL Llme ln my llfe, l was movlng ouL of my parenL's house, and on Lop of LhaL, l had Lo move lnLo an
aparLmenL wlLh oLher college sLudenLs. l had no ldea whaL Lo expecL, and of course l was very nervous.
My moLher and l found Lwo aparLmenL complexes ln lsla vlsLa LhaL l could poLenLlally move lnLo. l
wenL wlLh my moLher and faLher on a day Lrlp Lo SanLa 8arbara Lo Lake a look aL Lhem. We flrsL had
lunch aL a resLauranL on Cllff urlve, and whlle Lhere l admlred how beauLlful SanLa 8arbara Lruly was. l
found lL Lo be llke a mlxLure of Mallbu and SanLa Monlca, dependlng on whaL parL of lL l was ln.
l was asLounded when we Loured Lhrough lsla vlsLa. lL was a whole Lown of college sLudenLs llvlng
LogeLher, rlghL nexL Lo uCS8, and rlghL nexL Lo Lhe beach. l had never seen anyLhlng llke lL ln my llfe.
When l read abouL lL onllne l LhoughL lL was Loo good Lo be Lrue, buL Lhere lL was. lL was exacLly as l
expecLed lL Lo be. 1here were hoL blonde glrls walklng around /3/4+&)/4/.
l always Lheorlzed LhaL one of Lhe maln hlndrances Lo me llvlng Lhe llfe l deslre was my slLuaLlon of
llvlng ln my moLher's aparLmenL. l LhoughL Lo myself, as we explored more of Lhls college Lown, LhaL lf l
llved Lhere, Lhen Lhere was "7 &'+ l would have Lrouble geLLlng a soclal llfe and loslng my vlrglnlLy. lL
was Lhe perfecL envlronmenL Lo do so. lf l can'L geL lald Lhere, Lhen Lhere ls no hope for me aL all.
1he flrsL aparLmenL bulldlng we looked aL was pleasanL, buL Lhey only had shared rooms, and l
wanLed my own room. 1he second aparLmenL bulldlng was called Caprl AparLmenLs, and Lhey had a
seLup of many Lwo-bedroom aparLmenLs shared beLween Lhree college sLudenLs, ln whlch one occuples
Lhe slngle room and Lhe oLher Lwo occupy Lhe shared room. 1he slngle rooms cosL more, of course, buL
lL wasn'L much. My parenLs and l saL down aL a cafe Lo Lalk abouL lL. We agreed LhaL Caprl AparLmenLs
was Lhe besL cholce. My moLher wenL back Lo Lhelr offlce Lo arrange a lease deal. Caprl was a very
popular aparLmenL complex, so lL was hard Lo geL a spoL Lhere so laLe ln Lhe year. 1hey dldn'L have any
AuLumn semesLer aparLmenL unlLs ready unLll !uly, so lL was arranged LhaL l would sLay ln a Lemporary
aparLmenL unlL for Lhe flrsL monLh, and Lhen move Lo a permanenL one ln !uly once lL was ready. 1he
lease was slgned and Lhe deal was seL. l was golng Lo move Lo SanLa 8arbara on !une 4
Lh
.
My moLher was very adamanL LhaL l move on LhaL parLlcular daLe. She sald lL was because she wanLed
me Lo go Lhere and seLLle ln before college sLarLed, buL l knew Lhe real reason. She always wanLed me
ouL of her house because she haLed havlng Lo deal wlLh me. 1he SanLa 8arbara plan would free her of
me, and she wanLed LhaL so badly LhaL she was wllllng Lo pay $900 a monLh for my aparLmenL room
renL. 8aslcally, she was paylng money Lo geL rld of me. l reallzed LhaL once l moved ouL, Lhere was no
golng back. lL wlll seL a precedenL, and Lhe Lhreshold wlll be crossed. My moLher wlll never welcome me
back Lo llve wlLh her permanenLly ever agaln.

ln Lhe remalnlng days l had aL my moLher's aparLmenL, l spenL a loL of Llme medlLaLlng abouL how l
would deal wlLh Lhls huge change. l had Lo prepare myself as much as posslble, so l dld a loL of
lnLrospecLlng and evaluaLed myself ln greaL deLall. 1hls move Lo SanLa 8arbara was Lhe only chance l had
of aLLalnlng Lhe llfe l deslre. l had Lo do my besL Lo make Lhls work, proclalmlng Lo myself LhaL Lhls Llme, l
wlll noL fall. l exerclsed ln Lhe gym for many hours Lo boosL my confldence as much as posslble, and l
wenL Lo Lhe mall Lo shop for cloLhes. LasL ChrlsLmas l goL a few glfL cards for Macy's, and l spenL Lhem all
on a few shlrLs LhaL l LhoughL l would look good ln, as well as new shoes. AfLer dolng everyLhlng l could
do Lo physlcally boosL my confldence and appearance, l was ready.

And so ends anoLher era of my exLraordlnary and Lraglc llfe. l call lL Lhe era of Pope and Popelessness,
where l drlfLed and langulshed ln lonely despalr whlle l llved aL my moLher's aparLmenL and aLLended
Lwo colleges. AL varlous lnLervals, someLhlng happened Lo glve me a new hope for my llfe, only Lo have lL
shaLLered laLer on. My llfe had been movlng ln LhaL same paLLern for a long Llme now,
and l was slck and Llred of lL. All whlle l was sufferlng Lhls lonely exlsLence, oLher boys my age llved Lhelr
happy llves of pleasure and sex. l can never forglve such an ln[usLlce, and lL was my bld Lo
overcompensaLe for lL ln Lhe fuLure. l had Lo make up for all Lhe years l losL ln lonellness and lsolaLlon,
Lhrough no faulL of my own! lL was socleLy's faulL for re[ecLlng me. lL was women's faulL for refuslng Lo
have sex wlLh me.
1he move Lo SanLa 8arbara ls Lhe endgame, Lhe ulLlmaLe cllmax of everyLhlng. l saw lL as a new chance
LhaL was glven Lo me Lo flnally have Lhe Lhlngs l wanL ln llfe: love, sex, frlends, fun, accepLance, a sense of
belonglng. 8uL l could never forglve Lhe world for denylng me such Lhlngs ln Lhe pasL. l was already
Lurnlng LwenLy soon. l had already losL many years of my llfe. l deserve beLLer Lhan LhaL. l am an
lnLelllgenL genLleman, and l deserve Lhe love of glrls more Lhan Lhe oLher obnoxlous boys of my age, and
yeL Lhey geL glrls and l don'L. 1haL ls a crlme LhaL can never be forgoLLen, nor can lL be forglven. l always
wanLed Lo exacL my revenge on humanlLy for forclng me Lo llve such a llfe, buL l've also always had Lhe
hope LhaL lf l can do Lhlngs ln llfe Lo make up for all my sufferlng, Lhen LhaL ln lLself would be a form of
peaceful revenge.
ln LruLh, Lhe move SanLa 8arbara was acLually a chance LhaL l was glvlng Lo Lhe world, noL Lhe oLher
way around! l was glvlng Lhe world one lasL chance Lo glve me Lhe llfe LhaL l know l'm enLlLled Lo, Lhe llfe
LhaL oLher boys are able Lo llve wlLh ease. lf l sLlll have Lo suffer Lhe same re[ecLlon and ln[usLlce even
afLer l move Lo SanLa 8arbara, Lhen LhaL wlll be Lhe lasL sLraw. l wlll have my vengeance.

:;-( F
0;7(; 5;-R;-;S 27*4;D)
=4) ME?AA

Cn SaLurday, !une 4
Lh
, 2011, l packed up all of my mosL lmporLanL belonglngs lnLo my car, sald
farewell Lo my moLher, and drove off Lo face my desLlny ln Lhe beauLlful ocean-slde Lown of SanLa
8arbara. lL was ralnlng as l arrlved ln Lhe vlclnlLy, and l felL a sense of omlnous forebodlng as l enLered
lsla vlsLa, my new home. My faLher meL me ouLslde my aparLmenL, he came Lo help me move ln.
1he Lwo of us walked up Lo Lhe leaslng offlce where Lhey gave me my new seL of keys, and Lhen one
of Lhe recepLlonlsLs walked me Lo Lhe aparLmenL unlL LhaL l wlll be sLaylng ln for a monLh. l was
lnLroduced Lo Lwo new housemaLes who would only be Lhere for one week. Cne of Lhem was named
ArLem, a quleL 8usslan sLudenL who wenL Lo uCS8, and Lhe oLher, whose name l don'L remember, was a
Lall blonde surfer-Lype boy who wenL Lo S8CC. l was annoyed aL how Lall and aLLracLlve he was, Lhough l
dldn'L show lL.
AfLer l unpacked all of my belonglngs, faLher and l wenL ouL for a qulck lunch before l sald goodbye Lo
hlm. And LhaL was lL. lor Lhe flrsL Llme ln my llfe, l was llvlng lndependenLly, mlles away from my
parenLs, ln a new Lown. l felL a sudden sense of anxleLy, fear, and LrepldaLlon, buL l also felL a sense of
hope LhaL my llfe could posslbly change for Lhe beLLer. l exchanged small Lalk wlLh my new housemaLes,
and Lhey seemed nlce enough. lL was hard Lo belleve LhaL l was acLually llvlng ln an aparLmenL wlLh Lwo
oLher college sLudenLs who l dldn'L know unLll LhaL day, especlally for someone llke me who has had
very mlnlmal soclal lnLeracLlon wlLh oLher young people. lL felL so odd and pecullar. l was uncerLaln of
whaL Lo expecL, and Lhe anxleLy l felL from LhaL uncerLalnLy was overwhelmlng, buL l knew l had Lo push
Lhrough Lhls. l knew Lhls was Lhe ma[or Lurnlng polnL of my llfe. My llfe was flnally changlng, and l had Lo
do my besL Lo make LhaL change a poslLlve one.
1he very flrsL nlghL was LraumaLlc and gave me a very bad LasLe abouL everyLhlng. 1hrough my
wlndow l heard a loL of sLudenLs parLylng ouLslde, and l wondered, wlLh a greaL amounL of fear, how l
would ever be able Lo [oln ln on Lhelr fun. 1haL was Lhe reason l was Lhere, afLer all. l dldn'L Lhlnk l was
capable of lL. LaLer ln Lhe nlghL, l heard a boy and a glrl havlng sex ln Lhe aparLmenL above me. !usL
knowlng LhaL oLher young men geL Lo en[oy Lhe pleasures of sex whlle l geL none of lL has always fllled
me wlLh envlous rage, as well as blLLer haLred Lowards Lhe world, buL Lo acLually )/'4 Lhem dolng lL?
1haL was even more LraumaLlzlng. l was prepared for Lhls, however. l had done a loL of research abouL
college llfe ln Lhe Lown of lsla vlsLa, and l knew LhaL sLudenLs had a loL of sex Lhere. l had an lnkllng of a
susplclon LhaL l would evenLually hear or even see people dolng such Lhlngs lf l llved ln LhaL
envlronmenL. Pell, Lhe reason l moved Lhere was 9/8':(/ lL was a sexually acLlve place. l myself wanLed
Lo be sexually acLlve. 8uL when l heard LhaL couple above me havlng sex, l couldn'L help feellng vlle and
mlserable abouL lL. l Lrled Lo calm myself down and convlnce myself LhaL soon l wlll be dolng Lhe exacL
same Lhlng. Pow wrong l was.
My flrsL week Lurned ouL Lo be very unpleasanL, leavlng a horrlflc flrsL lmpresslon of my new llfe ln
SanLa 8arbara. My Lwo housemaLes were nlce, buL Lhey kepL lnvlLlng over Lhls frlend of Lhelrs named
Chance. Pe was black boy who came over all Lhe Llme, and l haLed hls cocksure aLLlLude. lnevlLably, a
vlle lncldenL occurred beLween me and hlm. l was eaLlng a meal ln Lhe klLchen when he came over and
sLarLed bragglng Lo my housemaLes abouL hls success wlLh glrls. l couldn'L sLand lL, so l proceeded Lo ask
Lhem all lf Lhey were vlrglns. 1hey all looked aL me welrdly and sald LhaL Lhey had losL Lhelr vlrglnlLy long
ago. l felL so lnferlor, as lL remlnded me of how much l have mlssed ouL ln llfe. And Lhen Lhls black boy
named Chance sald LhaL he losL hls vlrglnlLy when he was only LhlrLeen! ln addlLlon, he sald LhaL Lhe glrl
he losL hls vlrglnlLy Lo was a blonde whlLe glrl! l was so enraged LhaL l almosL splashed hlm wlLh my
orange [ulce. l lndlgnanLly Lold hlm LhaL l dld noL belleve hlm, and Lhen l wenL Lo my room Lo cry. l crled
and crled and crled, and Lhen l called my moLher and crled Lo her on Lhe phone.
Pow could an lnferlor, ugly black boy be able Lo geL a whlLe glrl and noL me? l am beauLlful, and l am
half whlLe myself. l am descended from 8rlLlsh arlsLocracy. >/ ls descended from slaves. l deserve lL
more. l Lrled noL Lo belleve hls foul words, buL Lhey were already sald, and lL was hard Lo erase from my
mlnd. lf Lhls ls acLually Lrue, lf Lhls ugly black fllLh was able Lo have sex wlLh a blonde whlLe glrl aL Lhe age
of LhlrLeen whlle l've had Lo suffer vlrglnlLy all my llfe, Lhen Lhls [usL proves how rldlculous Lhe female
gender ls. 1hey would glve Lhemselves Lo Lhls fllLhy scum, buL Lhey re[ecL <R6 1he ln[usLlce!

lemales Lruly have someLhlng menLally wrong wlLh Lhem. 1helr mlnds are flawed, and aL Lhls polnL ln
my llfe l was beglnnlng Lo see lL. 1he more l explored my college Lown of lsla vlsLa, Lhe more
rldlculousness l wlLnessed. All of Lhe hoL, beauLlful glrls walked around wlLh obnoxlous, Lough [ock-Lype
men who parLled all Lhe Llme and acLed crazy. 1hey should be golng for lnLelllgenL genLlemen such as
myself. Women are sexually aLLracLed Lo Lhe wrong Lype of man. 1hls ls a ma[or flaw ln Lhe very
foundaLlon of humanlLy. lL ls compleLely and uLLerly &47"5C ln every sense of Lhe word. As Lhese LruLhs
fully dawned on me, l became deeply dlsLurbed by Lhem. ueeply dlsLurbed, offended, and LraumaLlzed.

1hose Lwo housemaLes moved ouL wlLhln a week. l was glad Lo see Lhem go, afLer LhaL horrlble
lncldenL. l was Lhen presenLed wlLh Lwo new housemaLes, who would be sLaylng ln Lhe aparLmenL for
Lhe resL of Lhe monLh LhaL l was Lhere. 1helr names were uanlel laynshell and 8eed Manklns. 8eed was
a quleL Aslan-Amerlcan sLudenL who was sLudylng blology aL uCS8, and uanlel was a heavy-seL 8usslan
sLudenL who had a wlLLy personallLy. 8oLh of Lhem were older Lhan me by a couple of years. uanlel was
very soclal and LalkaLlve. Pe ofLen Lrled Lo sLarL conversaLlons wlLh me, whlch l acLually llked. Soclal
lnLeracLlon was always welcome ln my lonely llfe, and l found hlm Lo be a very lnLeresLlng person. lL was
nlce Lo have someone reach ouL Lo me.

Soon enough, my summer sesslon aL SanLa 8arbara ClLy College began. l had enrolled for Lwo classes,
a hlsLory class and a geography class. 1he hlsLory class sLarLed aL 8:00 ln Lhe mornlng. When my alarm
rang, l enLhuslasLlcally puL on one my new shlrLs as l goL ready Lo sLarL my flrsL day of my new college.
1he weaLher was sunny and brlghL as l made Lhe drlve down Lhe 101 lreeway. 1hls was lL. 1hls was Lhe
momenL of LruLh. My whole llfe has led Lo Lhls.
l was sLarLlng a new college, ln a beauLlful new Lown. 1hls was my fresh sLarL Lo aLLaln Lhe llfe l've
been cravlng for so long. lf l am unable Lo make lL ln Lhls opporLunlsLlc envlronmenL, Lhen l am doomed
forever.
l felL a surge of confldence as l ascended Lhe fllghL of sLalrs LhaL led up Lo Lhe maln campus. lor my
flrsL class, whlch was hlsLory, l had Lo cross Lhe lconlc brldge Lo Lhe wesL campus. l Lrled Lo feel as
confldenL and sure of myself as posslble, Lhlnklng LhaL all of Lhe glrls l passed were aLLracLed Lo my
appearance. 1hey should be. l spenL a loL of Llme chooslng ouL LhaL shlrL and dolng my halr.
When l reached Lhe classroom, l saw some preLLy glrls walLlng ouLslde. <+ "/& 82'((@'-/(, l LhoughL
wlLh exclLemenL. l was a blL dlsmayed LhaL Lhey dldn'L pay any aLLenLlon Lo me. 1hey dldn'L even look aL
me. l was sure l had an aLLracLlve appearance LhaL day, buL Lhose glrls dldn'L seem Lo noLlce lL. erhaps l
was deludlng myself.
As all of Lhe sLudenLs sLarLed pourlng ln, a group of Lyplcal popular-Lype boys saL near me. 1helr
overly soclal and obnoxlous personallLles offended me, and l felL llke geLLlng up and leavlng. 1hey
somehow knew all of Lhe preLLy glrls ln Lhe class, and lL broke my hearL Lo waLch Lhem chaL up Lhe glrls.
Pow could l compeLe wlLh Lhose popular klds? l haLed Lhem so much. l've wanLed Lo be llke Lhem all my
llfe, ever slnce elemenLary school, buL Lhey never accepLed me. 1hey have caused my llfe Lo be a llvlng
hell for so long. 8lghL Lhen, on Lhe very flrsL day of S8CC, l was golng Lhrough Lhe exacL Lhlng as l dld aL
every oLher school l've been Lo, Lhe feellng of belng a lonely, unwanLed ouLcasL.
1haL class was horrlble, buL l dldn'L wanL Lo glve up so soon. l couldn'L! My whole llfe depended on my
success ln SanLa 8arbara. l aLLended my geography class nexL. 1hls class was much more lnLeresLlng, and
more relaxed, buL lL dldn'L have any preLLy glrls ln lL. AfLer lunch l walked over Lo Lhe cafeLerla area, and l
saw so many preLLy blonde glrls slLLlng around. l wlshed l had Lhe courage Lo go up Lo Lhem and ask one
on a daLe, buL Lhey would have seen me as a creep. Clrls are so cruel.
AfLer l lefL Lhe campus l drove around downLown SanLa 8arbara Lo explore new areas. l wenL up and
down SLaLe SLreeL, Lhe maln common area of Lhe clLy where everyone frequenLs.
CounLless resLauranLs and shops llned a magnlflcenLly deslgned sLreeL wlLh wlde walkways. lL was
absoluLely beauLlful. a Lrue paradlse, for Lhose who were Lhrlvlng Lhere. l can only lmaglne how
heavenly lL would be Lo walk wlLh a beauLlful glrlfrlend down LhaL sLreeL. My llfe would be compleLe lf l
geL Lo do LhaL. lL would be Lhe eplLome of graLlfylng perfecLlon. 1o have a beauLlful blonde glrl by my
slde, Lo feel her hand clasplng my own as we walk everywhere LogeLher, -7 1//2 )/4 273/A 1haL ls whaL l
wanL ln llfe. lnsLead, l had Lo waLch oLher men experlence my ldea of heaven whlle l roL ln blLLer
lonellness.
And Lhere were a loL of young couples on SLaLe SLreeL. 1he whole area was full of young people
en[oylng Lhelr pleasurable llLLle llves. l saw groups of good looklng popular boys and glrls gleefully
walklng LogeLher. lL remlnded me of LhaL faLeful nlghL, years ago, when l walked Lhrough Lhe Calabasas
Commons and saw Lhe same Lhlng. And Lhere l was, over Lwo years laLer, sLlll ln Lhe exacL same poslLlon.
lL was very hard Lo deal wlLh. l qulckly drove back Lo my aparLmenL and crled Lo myself, soaklng my
plllow ln Lhe Lears of my agony.
So far, SanLa 8arbara was noL worklng. l dreaded how horrlble lL would be Lo conLlnue sufferlng my
mlserable, lonely, cellbaLe llfe ln such a beauLlful clLy where everyone else experlenced Lhe pleasures of
sex and love. 1haL would be Lhe darkesL hell. And LhaL was exacLly whaL was ln sLore for me.

AfLer a couple of days l declded Lo drop my hlsLory class. l couldn'L sLand waLchlng Lhose obnoxlous
popular boys Lalk Lo all of Lhe preLLy glrls ln Lhe class. 1he glrls acLually llked Lhem! l should be Lhe one
Lhey pay aLLenLlon Lo, buL Lhey LreaLed me llke l was lnvlslble. l dldn'L wanL Lo LorLure myself any longer.
l felL a sense of gullL as l dld lL, because l made a bld Lo make Lhe besL of my Llme ln SanLa 8arbara. Cnce
Lhe class was dropped, l felL a sense of rellef. l was sLlll enrolled ln Lhe geography class, and lL was only
Lhe summer sesslon. l had plenLy of Llme Lo make up for lL.

l spenL Lhe resL of my flrsL monLh Lrylng as hard as l could Lo puL myself ouL ln Lhe soclal envlronmenL
of lsla vlsLa. uanlel was LwenLy Lhree years old, so l asked hlm Lo purchase some alcohol for me, a boLLle
of vodka ln parLlcular. ln LhaL college Lown, everyone wenL ouL wlLh aL leasL a llLLle alcohol ln Lhelr
sysLem. l wasn'L an alcohollc, buL drlnklng alcohol always helped me wlLh belng more confldenL and
soclable. Cn weekend nlghLs, l Look a few shoLs from my vodka boLLle and seL ouL on walks around Lhe
Lown, desperaLely hoplng LhaL l would sLumble across some opporLunlLy Lo make frlends. l ofLen ended
up slLLlng alone aL some cafe, hoplng glrls would Lalk Lo me before l sobered up. no glrl ever dld. l Lhen
wenL back home Lo lle ln my bed alone.
Cn one such nlghL l goL drunk enough Lo lnLroduce myself Lo some oLher sLudenLs who llved ln Lhe
same aparLmenL complex. 1hey were slLLlng ln Lhe common area of Lhe aparLmenL, and l wenL up Lo
Lhelr group and saL down wlLh Lhem. 1hey weren'L hosLlle Lowards me, and l was able Lo exchange some
form of small Lalk wlLh Lhem. AfLer a whlle Lhough, l ended up [usL slLLlng Lhere awkwardly, and Lhey
evenLually quesLloned why l was so quleL. l haLed when people dld LhaL. no one ever undersLands Lhe
Lroubles of someone who suffers from soclal anxleLy. 1hey offered me a few beers, whlch l gladly
accepLed. l ended up geLLlng so drunk LhaL l compleLely blacked ouL. l sLumbled back Lo my aparLmenL
and vomlLed on Lhe floor, [usL llke l dld on LhaL embarrasslng nlghL aL Addlson AlLendorf's blrLhday parLy.
1he nexL mornlng, l dldn'L even remember LhaL l vomlLed. uanlel lnformed me of whaL happened, wlLh
an amused grln on hls face. l felL so ashamed, buL aL leasL l dld someLhlng more soclal Lhan anyLhlng else
l've done ln Lhe lasL few years. 1haL was some progress, l supposed.

uue Lo llvlng ln an enLlrely new envlronmenL, wlLh loLs of new experlences Lo come wlLh lL, Lhe flrsL
monLh ln SanLa 8arbara wenL by very slowly. l was relleved when !uly arrlved, and l was able Lo vlslL
home for a weekend. When l arrlved back ln Woodland Pllls, l felL llke l hadn'L been Lhere for ages. lL
was a pleasanL feellng, as lL gave me Lhe subconsclous lmpresslon LhaL my llfe was flnally movlng
forward lnsLead of sLaylng sLagnanL.
When l arrlved back aL my moLher's aparLmenL, she was away aL work, and Ceorgla was aL school. l
Look a momenL Lo relax afLer golng Lhrough so much Lrauma and unresL, caLchlng up on all of Lhe Came
of 1hrones eplsodes LhaL l mlssed, lncludlng Lhe Season 1 flnale. LaLer LhaL nlghL, l meL my moLher and
faLher aL an upscale resLauranL near Warner CenLer, and Lhey boLh seemed very proud of me. l wasn'L
proud of myself, as l barely meL my expecLaLlons ln my flrsL monLh ln SanLa 8arbara. l had an exqulslLe
meal aL Lhe resLauranL, and whlle Lhere l saw a preLLy glrl walk ln wlLh her famlly. l glanced aL her and
she glanced aL me. l desperaLely wondered lf she LhoughL l was aLLracLlve, and l Lrled Lo convlnce myself
LhaL she was aLLracLed Lo me, ln an efforL Lo feel beLLer abouL myself. WheLher she was aLLracLed Lo me
or noL ls a quesLlon l wlll never know Lhe answer Lo.
1here was no school on Lhe followlng Monday, due Lo Lhe 4
Lh
of !uly Pollday. l wenL wlLh my moLher
Lo Lhe annual 4
Lh
of !uly parLy aL Lhe Lemelson's. 1here, l saw !ames for Lhe flrsL Llme ln a whlle. lL felL
good Lo see hlm agaln. Pe had been lgnorlng me ln Lhe lasL couple of monLhs, buL Lhe Lwo of us
relgnlLed our good frlendshlp aL Lhe parLy. l Lold hlm LhaL l was now golng Lo college ln SanLa 8arbara,
and he seemed happy for me. As l aLe dlnner wlLh hlm, noah, and a few of noah's frlends aL a Lable
ouLslde, l fllmed a funny vldeo LhaL l sLlll have on my phone Lo Lhls day.
Cn Lhe nexL mornlng, l made my drlve back Lo SanLa 8arbara Lo flnlsh Lhe second half of my summer
sesslon. l prayed LhaL l would have a beLLer experlence from Lhen on.

When l goL back Lo Caprl AparLmenLs lL was Llme for me Lo Lransfer Lo my permanenL aparLmenL unlL,
Lhe aparLmenL unlL LhaL l was seL Lo sLay ln for Lhe whole year. l loaded all of my belonglngs lnLo my car
and sald goodbye Lo uanlel and 8eed. l en[oyed my sLay wlLh Lhem. 1hey made for excellenL college
housemaLes. 8efore l lefL, uanlel Lold me LhaL l should come Lo vlslL ln Lhe fuLure.
My new aparLmenL was ln anoLher Caprl AparLmenLs bulldlng. 1he maln bulldlng was on Sevllle 8oad,
ln Lhe cenLer of lsla vlsLa. 1he oLher bulldlng LhaL l was meanL Lo sLay aL was on Abrego 8oad, a few
blocks away, Lowards Lhe edge of Lhe Lown. AL flrsL l was unsure of Lhe locaLlon, Lhough lL was sLlll
walklng dlsLance from all of Lhe acLlon. lL was deflnlLely quleLer ln LhaL area, so LhaL was a poslLlve.
Cne of Lhe recepLlonlsLs showed me Lo my new bedroom. 1he aparLmenL unlL was empLy. My new
housemaLes wouldn'L be movlng ln unLll AugusL, so l would have Lhe whole aparLmenL Lo myself for Lhe
monLh of !uly. l qulLe llked LhaL. lL would provlde me wlLh Lhe comforL Lo seLLle lnLo Lhe place. l had no
ldea who my new housemaLes were golng Lo be, and l was hoplng Lhey would be people l could be
frlends wlLh Lo help lmprove my soclal llfe. All of Lhe rooms were randomly asslgned aL Caprl
AparLmenLs, so l had no conLrol over who l would end up wlLh. l could only hope LhaL Lhey would be aL
leasL Lolerable, because Lhey were Lo be my housemaLes for Lhe whole year.

My faLher drove up Lo SanLa 8arbara Lo meeL me a few days laLer. 1he Lwo of us wenL Lo have lunch aL
a resLauranL ln Lhe Camlno 8eal MarkeLplace, an area LhaL l ofLen frequenLed. When we saL down aL our
Lable, l saw a young couple slLLlng a few Lables down Lhe row. 1he slghL of Lhem enraged me Lo no end,
especlally because lL was a dark-sklnned Mexlcan guy daLlng a hoL blonde whlLe glrl. l regarded lL as a
greaL lnsulL Lo my dlgnlLy. Pow could an lnferlor Mexlcan guy be able Lo daLe a whlLe blonde glrl, whlle
l was sLlll sufferlng as a lonely vlrgln? l was ashamed Lo be ln such an lnferlor poslLlon ln fronL my faLher.
When l saw Lhe Lwo of Lhem klsslng, l could barely conLaln my rage. l sLood up ln anger, and l was abouL
Lo walk up Lo Lhem and pour my glass of soda all over Lhelr heads. l probably would have, lf faLher
wasn'L Lhere. l was seeLhlng wlLh envlous rage, and my faLher was Lhere Lo waLch lL all. lL was so
humlllaLlng. l wasn'L Lhe son l wanLed Lo presenL Lo my faLher. l should be Lhe one wlLh Lhe hoL blonde
glrl, maklng my faLher proud. lnsLead, my faLher had Lo waLch me suffer ln a paLheLlc poslLlon. Llfe ls so
cruel Lo me. When l sald my farewell Lo faLher before he drove home, l felL absoluLely mlserable. l Lhen
wenL back Lo my room and sulked for hours.

AnoLher lncldenL happened on Lhe followlng day, near Lhe same locaLlon. l wenL Lo Lhe SLarbucks aL
Lhe Camlno 8eal MarkeLplace by myself, llke l usually dld every mornlng. l ordered my coffee and saL
down on one of Lhelr chalrs Lo relax. A few momenLs laLer, when l looked up from my drlnk, l saw a
young couple sLandlng ln llne. 1he Lwo of Lhem were klsslng passlonaLely. 1he boy looked llke an
obnoxlous punk, he was Lall and wore baggy panLs. 1he glrl was a preLLy blonde! 1hey looked llke Lhey
were ln Lhe Lhroes of passlonaLe sexual aLLracLlon Lo each oLher, rubblng Lhelr bodles LogeLher and
Longue klsslng ln fronL of everyone. l was absoluLely llvld wlLh envlous haLred. When Lhey lefL Lhe sLore l
followed Lhem Lo Lhelr car and splashed my coffee all over Lhem. 1he boy yelled aL me and l qulckly ran
away ln fear. l was panlcklng as l goL lnLo my car and drove off, shaklng wlLh rage-fueled exclLemenL. l
drove all Lhe way Lo Lhe vons aL Lhe lalrvlew laza and spenL Lhree hours ln my car Lrylng Lo conLaln my
LumulLuous emoLlons. l had never sLruck back aL my enemles before, and l felL a small sense of splLeful
graLlflcaLlon for dolng so. l haLed Lhem so much. Lven Lhough l splashed Lhem wlLh my coffee, he was
sLlll Lhe wlnner. Pe was golng home Lo have passlonaLe heavenly sex wlLh hls beauLlful glrlfrlend, and l
was golng home Lo my lonely room Lo sleep alone ln my lonely bed. l had never felL so mlserable and
mlsLreaLed ln my llfe. l cursed Lhe world for condemnlng me Lo such sufferlng.
l wanLed Lo do horrlble Lhlngs Lo LhaL couple. l wanLed Lo lnfllcL paln on all young couples. lL was
around Lhls polnL ln my llfe LhaL l reallzed l was capable of dolng such Lhlngs. l would happlly do such
Lhlngs. l was capable of kllllng Lhem, and l wanLed Lo. l wanLed Lo klll Lhem slowly, Lo sLrlp Lhe sklns off
Lhelr flesh. 1hey deserve lL. 1he males deserve lL for Laklng Lhe females away from me, and Lhe females
deserve lL for chooslng Lhose males lnsLead of me.
Lver slnce l was sevenLeen, l ofLen fanLaslzed abouL becomlng powerful and lnfllcLlng sufferlng upon
everyone who has wronged me ln Lhe pasL, buL l never LhoughL l would acLually do lL. AL Lhls polnL, afLer
golng Lhrough so much sufferlng and ln[usLlce, all of my lnnocence had been swepL away. 1he world had
been cruel Lo me, and lL molded me Lo become sLrong enough Lo acLually have Lhe capablllLy of reLurnlng
LhaL cruelness Lo Lhe world. l had never been a vlolenL person ln naLure, buL afLer bulldlng up so much
haLred over Lhe years, l reallzed LhaL l wouldn'L heslLaLe Lo klll or even LorLure my haLed enemles lf l was
glven Lhe opporLunlLy.
l spenL Lhe nexL flve days ln my room, Lrylng Lo forgeL abouL Lhe horrlflc experlences l had Lo go
Lhrough. 8uL even ln my room, l couldn'L escape from belng remlnded of my worLhlessness. Lvery Llme l
looked ouL my wlndow Lo Lhe courLyard, l saw young people soclallzlng. Cbnoxlous drunk boys were
chaLLlng up preLLy glrls, and l wondered wlLh greaL panlc lf Lhey would be havlng sex LogeLher ln Lhe
nlghL. l ofLen fanLaslzed abouL barglng lnLo Lhelr rooms whlle Lhey had sex and slashlng Lhem Lo deaLh
wlLh my knlfe.

8efore l knew lL, lL was !uly 12
Lh
and Lhe counLdown on my lnLerneL homepage was up. 1he new Song
of lce and llre book, A uance wlLh uragons, was released. l emalled my moLher Lo order me Lhe book
from Amazon. 1he counLdown was ulLlmaLely over, and l had noLhlng Lo show for lL. l was sLlll a vlrgln,
even afLer a monLh of llvlng ln a Lown full of college klds who had sex all Lhe Llme. l reallzed LhaL l had
only Lwelve more days as a Leenager! l was golng Lo Lurn LwenLy very soon. Cne of my hopes was Lo aL
leasL lose my vlrglnlLy before my Llme as a Leenager was over. 8elng a vlrgln aL Lhe age of LwenLy would
make me feel very defeaLed.
l made a bld Lo do everyLhlng l could Lo lose my vlrglnlLy ln Lhose few remalnlng days l had. WlLh a
Lremendous amounL of panlc, l wondered whaL l could posslble do. 1he only Lhlng l could Lhlnk of was Lo
go ouL Lo Lhe common areas of lsla vlsLa as much as posslble. l had Lo puL myself ouL Lhere, even lf lL
only lncreased my chances of havlng sex by one percenL. Cne percenL was sLlll beLLer Lhan zero.
lor Lhose cruclal Lwelve days l had lefL as a Leenager, l walked over Lo Lhe cenLer of lsla vlsLa every
day and saL aL one of Lhe Lables ouLslde uomlno's lzza, hoplng agalnsL hope LhaL a glrl would come up
and Lalk Lo me. 0)+ &7:2#"K- -)/+6 % 277B/# 577# /"7:5)C #,#"K- %6 P4 #,# % "7- 277B 577# /"7:5)6 Such
LhoughLs flew Lhrough my head ln franLlc waves. lor dlnner, l always walked over Lo Lhe healLhy
resLauranL called Sllvergreen's. 1here were '2&'+( hoL glrls Lhere, buL none of Lhem delgned Lo even
look aL me. Cn every one of Lhose nlghLs, l walked home alone, wlLh my head down ln defeaL.
l made no progress ln school elLher. My geography class had no preLLy glrls ln lL, so l had no hope
Lhere. l spenL a loL of Llme slLLlng ln Lhe cafeLerla area, buL all of Lhe beauLlful glrls l saw lnLlmldaLed me
Loo much. Cne Llme, as l was walklng across Lhe huge brldge LhaL connecLed Lhe Lwo campuses, l passed
by a glrl l LhoughL was preLLy and sald Pl" as we neared each oLher. She kepL on walklng and dldn'L
even have Lhe grace Lo respond Lo me. >7& #'4/ ()/A H)'- 17:2 9,-8). l felL so humlllaLed LhaL l wenL Lo
one of Lhe school baLhrooms, locked myself ln a LolleL sLall, and crled for an hour.
Cn one of my very lasL days as a Leenager, as l was slLLlng aL my usual place aL Lhe food courL ouLslde
uomlno's, l saw a slghL LhaL shaLLered my hearL Lo pleces. A Lall, blonde, [ock-Lype guy walked lnLo one
of Lhe resLauranLs, and aL hls slde was one of Lhe sexlesL glrls l had ever seen. She Loo was Lall and
blonde. 1hey were boLh Laller Lhan me, and Lhey klssed each oLher passlonaLely. 1hey made me feel so
lnferlor and worLhless and small. l glared aL Lhem wlLh lnLense haLred as l saL by myself ln my lonely
mlsery. l could never have a glrl llke -)'-. 1he slghL was burned lnLo my memory, and lL caused a scar
LhaL wlll haunL me forever. When Lhey walked away, l followed Lhem ln my car for a few mlnuLes, and
when Lhey enLered a less lnhablLed area l opened my wlndow and splashed my lced Lea all over Lhem. lL
was all l could do aL Lhe Llme, buL aL leasL lL was someLhlng. AL leasL l made some efforL Lo flghL back
agalnsL Lhe ln[usLlce. l felL slck wlLh haLred LhaL nlghL. 1he haLred bolled lnslde me wlLh burnlng vlLrlol.

My summer sesslon ended wlLh no poslLlve effecL on my llfe. AfLer l compleLed my flnal exam, on
whlch l recelved Lhe grade of a 8, l drove back Lo my homeLown feellng defeaLed.
ShorLly afLer, my 20
Lh
blrLhday flnally came. Soumaya and !azz were away ln Morocco for Lhe summer,
so faLher meL up wlLh me, my moLher, and my slsLer aL an upscale resLauranL ln Lnclno. My parenLs
dldn'L show any concern for how mlserable l felL abouL belng a LwenLy-year-old vlrgln. 1hey LreaLed lL as
lf lL was any normal blrLhday. 1hey dldn'L seem Lo undersLand Lhe gravlLy of Lhe slLuaLlon, whlch
annoyed me lmmensely. 1he resLauranL had an all-you-can eaL" buffeL sysLem, and l greaLly sLuffed
myself LhaL nlghL. uellclous food was Lhe only vlce l was able Lo en[oy, slnce l was deprlved of sex. l had
a very fasL meLabollsm, so l could eaL as much as l wanLed wlLhouL geLLlng faL. l suppose LhaL was one
advanLage ln my raLher dlsadvanLageous llfe.
When l goL back Lo my moLher's aparLmenL, she leL me have a boLLle of wlne, and l Lruly drank my flll.
LveryLhlng's beLLer wlLh some wlne ln Lhe belly." l spenL Lhe resL of Lhe nlghL ponderlng over whaL was
ln sLore for me aL LhaL polnL ln llfe. l was no longer a Leenager, and l'll never be able Lo experlence
havlng sex as a Leenager. My Leenage years were compleLely denled Lo me by Lhe cruelness of women.
1he only way l could make up for lL was lf l could have an exLraordlnary sex llfe ln my LwenLles. l would
have Lo have a profoundly amazlng decade ln my LwenLles Lo compensaLe for all Lhe mlsery l
experlenced ln my Leens. lf l fall Lo do LhaL, Lhen l have noLhlng Lo llve for. Sadly, l wlll only experlence
Lhe opposlLe ln my early LwenLles, and lL wlll desLroy me.

A> G);-' <.*

l sLayed ln my homeLown for a week. Cne of my blrLhday presenLs was a glfL card Lo nordsLrom. l
spenL lL on a couple of new polo shlrLs LhaL made me feel a llLLle more confldenL. 8uylng new cloLhes
would always glve me a Lemporary boosL of confldence, and l pracLlced lL as lf lL was a drug.

8efore l lefL for SanLa 8arbara, l reunlLed wlLh hlllp and Addlson afLer a very long perlod of noL seelng
Lhem. 1he Lhree of us meL up aL Lhe Calabasas Commons, and Lhen we wenL ln hlllp's car Lo Mallbu for a
few advenLures. We ended up seLLllng down aL SLarbucks and had a few lnslghLful conversaLlons.
Addlson had changed and maLured Lremendously, and he was no longer assoclaLlng wlLh Lhe popular
Mallbu hlgh school klds. 1hls dldn'L change my resenLmenL Lowards hlm, and l kepL confronLlng hlm Lhe
whole Llme abouL Lhe lnsulLlng way he LreaLed me over a year ago. AfLer a loL of debaLlng, we agreed Lo
resolve our confllcL wlLh each oLher. 1hls dldn'L mean l forgoL all of Lhe sllghLs he dealL Lo me ln Lhe pasL,
however. l never forgeL. l never forglve. Cne day l'll show hlm how superlor l
am.

Cn Lhe day afLer l saw hlllp and Addlson, l wenL over Lo !ames's house. l hadn'L been Lhere for ages,
and Lhe Lwo of us rellved our LradlLlonal walks around Lhe allsades Lown cenLer, [usL llke old Llmes. lL
felL sLrange and nosLalglc Lo experlence lL afLer so long, especlally afLer golng Lhrough so many changes
ln SanLa 8arbara. l Lold !ames abouL my Lurmoll of belng a LwenLy-year-old vlrgln, and my desperaLe
hope LhaL Lhlngs wlll geL beLLer once l sLarL my AuLumn semesLer aL my new college. l Lalked abouL all
Lhe beauLlful blonde glrls l saw walklng around my college, and my deep wlsh LhaL l wlll have one day
have one as a glrlfrlend. !ames sympaLhlzed wlLh me greaLly, for he was also golng Lhrough slmllar
Lroubles ln llfe. Pe seemed glad LhaL l was flnally Laklng some sLeps Lo brlng changes Lo my llfe.

l drove back Lo SanLa 8arbara ln a sllghLly beLLer mood Lhan l was ln when l lefL lL. l had a monLh unLll
Lhe new semesLer sLarLed, and l could use LhaL Llme Lo prepare and recuperaLe. My new housemaLes
were meanL Lo move lnLo Lhe second bedroom of my aparLmenL on AugusL 3
Lh
. l had an anxlous feellng
of anLlclpaLlon for whaL Lhey wlll be llke.
AugusL 3
Lh
came qulckly, and l prepared myself Lo be ln a pleasanL mood Lo meeL Lhem. 1helr names
were 8yan and Angel, and Lo my dlsmay Lhey were of Plspanlc race. ln addlLlon, Lhe Lwo of Lhem were
already frlends wlLh each oLher, whlch meanL LhaL Lhey could posslbly gang up agalnsL me lf any confllcLs
were Lo arlse. 1hey also seemed llke rowdy, low-class Lypes. My flrsL lmpresslon of Lhem soured me, buL
l Lrled Lo be pleasanL and noL show lL. 1he Lwo of Lhem acLed cordlal Lo me on Lhe flrsL day, buL afLer
observlng Lhem for a blL, l had a bad feellng LhaL Lhey would be Lrouble Lo llve wlLh. And Lhey were Lo
be my housemaLes for a whole year! When l was alone ln my room, l panlcked Lo myself aL how dlre a
slLuaLlon Lhls was. 1hls was exLremely dlsappolnLlng. l was hoplng l would geL decenL, maLure, clean-cuL
housemaLes. lnsLead l goL low-class scum.
Cn Lhe second day, Lhey sLarLed lnvlLlng Lhelr equally rowdy frlends lnLo my aparLmenL, and we
exchanged more small Lalk. 1o my lndlgnanL surprlse, Lhey asked me Lhe quesLlon l always dreaded
answerlng: Are you a vlrgln?" l admlLLed LhaL l was a vlrgln. l always admlLLed Lhe LruLh abouL Lhls. lL
was my llfe sLruggle, and l couldn'L lle abouL such a Lhlng. 1hey Lhen had Lhe audaclLy Lo Lell me LhaL
Lhey losL Lhelr vlrglnlLy long ago, bragglng abouL all Lhe glrls Lhey had slepL wlLh. l parLlcularly haLed
Angel because of hls ugly plg-face. Pow could such an ugly anlmal have had sexual experlences wlLh
glrls, and yeL l haven'L? WhaL was wrong wlLh Lhls world? l goL so angry LhaL l wenL Lo my room and
punched Lhe wall. 1hey heard me and sLarLed laughlng. lL was almosL a repeaL of whaL l experlenced
wlLh LhaL black boy named Chance ln Lhe old aparLmenL, excepL Lhls Llme lL was worse because Lhese
were my housemaLes for Lhe year!
Cn Lhe day afLer, l almosL goL lnLo a physlcal flghL wlLh Angel. 1he ugly plg kepL acLlng as lf glrls
LhoughL he was more aLLracLlve Lhan me. Pah! l am a beauLlful, magnlflcenL genLleman and he ls a low-
class, plg-faced Lhug. l had enough of hls cocksure aLLlLude, and l sLarLed Lo call hlm exacLly whaL he was.
l Lrled Lo lnsulL hlm as much as l could, Lelllng hlm how superlor l am Lo hlm, and saylng LhaL he was low-
class. Pe Lrled Lo aLLack me, buL 8yan, belng Lhe more mellow of Lhe Lwo, held hlm back. A plLy, l was
lLchlng for a chance Lo hurL LhaL obnoxlous llLLle anlmal. 1hough l suppose lL was for Lhe besL. My llfe
was Loo lmporLanL Lo rlsk dolng anyLhlng rash.
ln a panlc, l lmmedlaLely called my moLher as soon as l could and Lold her of Lhe dlre slLuaLlon. 1here
was no way l could llve wlLh Lhose Lwo lmbeclles for Lhe whole college year. 1hey already rulned my
weekend. My moLher agreed LhaL l needed Lo geL ouL of Lhere, so l wenL Lo Lhe leaslng offlce and
explalned Lo Lhe manager everyLhlng LhaL happened. Pe Lold me LhaL Lhere was anoLher room avallable
for me Lo Lransfer Lo, buL lL would cosL one hundred more dollars a monLh, because lL was a larger Lwo
bedroom unlL and l would only be sharlng lL wlLh one housemaLe, who would occupy Lhe oLher room. l
called my moLher and she gave me permlsslon Lo go Lhrough wlLh lL. l slgned Lhe new lease, arranglng Lo
Lransfer when Lhe room became avallable ln SepLember. l would have Lo bear llvlng wlLh Lhem for Lhe
resL of Lhe monLh unLll Lhen.
1o help geL Lhrough Lhe monLh, my moLher leL me come home every weekend unLll l was able Lo
Lransfer Lo Lhe new aparLmenL. l would only sLay ln SanLa 8arbara durlng Lhe weekdays, buL on Lhose
weekdays Angel and 8yan wenL ouL of Lhelr way Lo make my llfe a llvlng hell. Lvery Llme Lhey wenL ouL
Lhey kepL yelllng Lo me how Lhey're golng Lo sleep wlLh hoL glrls LhaL nlghL. l knew Lhey were [usL lylng Lo
make me [ealous. 1hey always made fun of me for belng a vlrgln. AL nlghL, Lhey frequenLly made nolse Lo
wake me up. l was llLerally belng bullled, and lL was Lruly horrlflc. l wanLed Lo klll Lhem boLh, buL of
course l was smarL enough noL Lo go Lhrough wlLh LhaL deslre. All l could do was remember every slngle
lnsulL, so l can geL revenge ln a more efflclenL way ln Lhe fuLure. 1haL ls who l am. l don'L acL sLupldly or
rashly. l remember every lnsulL, and l walL unLll Lhe Llme ls rlghL Lo sLrlke. When LhaL Llme comes, l wlll
crush all of my enemles ln Lhe mosL devasLaLlng and caLasLrophlc way posslble, and Lhe resulLs wlll be
beauLlful.

Cn one of Lhe weekends ln whlch l wenL home durlng AugusL, my moLher moved ouL of Lhe versallles
aparLmenL complex, and moved lnLo Lhe SummlL 1ownhomes, near Warner CenLer. lL was an abrupL
declslon Lo move Lhere. l helped her pack everyLhlng and waLched as Lhe movers LransporLed all of our
belonglngs Lo Lhe new place. 1he SummlL was much nlcer looklng Lhan her old aparLmenL, l'll say LhaL
for lL. lL was a Lownhome wlLh an upsLalrs room LhaL l would occupy whenever l vlslL home.
l was glad LhaL she moved Lo a beLLer place, buL l would have much raLher she goL marrled Lo a
wealLhy man and moved lnLo hls manslon. Lven Lhough she was no longer seelng !ack, she daLed oLher
men of hlgh class. She had a speclal way of charmlng Lhem. l conLlnued Lo pesLer her Lo geL marrled so
LhaL l can be parL of an upper class famlly and en[oy all Lhe beneflLs LhaL would come wlLh LhaL, buL she
always refused, clalmlng LhaL she never wanLs Lo geL marrled due Lo her unpleasanL experlences wlLh
my faLher. l Lold her LhaL she should suffer Lhrough any negaLlve aspecLs of marrlage [usL for my sake,
because lL would compleLely save my llfe, buL she sLlll refused.

l wenL over Lo !ames's house durlng my vlslL home. 1he Lwo of us chaLLed onllne a loL, and when l
Lold hlm LhaL l was ln Lown, he seemed eager Lo see me. l was eager Lo see hlm Loo, as he was my
closesL frlend and l had a loL Lo Lalk Lo hlm abouL. l drove up 1opanga Canyon Lo hls house, noL knowlng
LhaL lL wlll be Lhe lasL Llme l ever vlslL hlm.
1he Lwo of us dld whaL we usually dld. We walked ouL Lo Lhe allsade's 8luff's where we dlscussed
our hopes and dreams. We Lhen wenL Lo Lhe allsades Lown cenLer Lo have dlnner. 1hls Llme we chose
Lo eaL aL anda Lxpress. Whlle we were eaLlng, some hlgh school klds walked ln. !ames saw Lhem flrsL,
and rlghL when he saw Lhem he sald Lhe words We're fucked". !ames knew l would have Lrouble wlLh
Lhem. 1hey were popular boys who had a flock of preLLy glrls wlLh Lhem. Cne of Lhem saL down wlLh Lwo
of Lhe glrls, puLLlng hls leg up on anoLher chalr wlLh a cocky smlrk on hls face. l was llvld wlLh rage, and l
wanLed Lo pour my drlnk all over hls head. !ames knew exacLly whaL l was plannlng Lo do, we had been
Lhrough slmllar lncldenLs before. Pe made a loL of efforL Lo Lry Lo dlssuade me from acLlng on my anger,
polnLlng ouL LhaL Lhere was a securlLy guard nearby. l dld Lhe only oLher Lhlng l could do, l packed up my
dlnner and lefL Lhe resLauranL, fleelng ln defeaL and shame. !ames soon followed, and we declded Lo
flnlsh our meal aL hls house.
A dark and omlnous aura clouded over our frlendshlp LhaL day. When Lhe Lwo of us goL back Lo
!ames's house, l was sLlll seeLhlng wlLh rage. l dldn'L undersLand why !ames wasn'L angry llke me. 1he
slghL LhaL we [usL wlLnessed was horrlble Lo waLch. 1o see anoLher male be successful wlLh females ls
LorLure for males llke us who have no success wlLh females. l was so angry LhaL l Lold !ames of all of Lhe
acLs of revenge l wanLed Lo exacL on Lhose popular boys. l Lold hlm my deslre Lo flay Lhem allve, Lo sLrlp
Lhe sklns off Lhelr flesh and make Lhem scream ln agony as punlshmenL for llvlng a beLLer llfe Lhan me.
!ames became deeply dlsLurbed by my anger. l wlshed LhaL he wasn'L dlsLurbed. l wlshed he could be a
frlend LhaL felL Lhe same way abouL Lhe world LhaL l dld. 8uL he wasn'L LhaL klnd of person. Pe was a
weakllng.
Cnce l had calmed down, Lhe Lwo of us had a long conversaLlon ln hls room, and l ended up crylng ln
fronL of hlm as l explalned how hopeless l felL abouL llfe. Soon afLer LhaL, l lefL hls house, never Lo reLurn
Lhere agaln. Pe wlll never lnvlLe me over afLer LhaL lncldenL, and our frlendshlp wlll slowly fade Lo dusL.

uurlng Lhe lasL few days LhaL l had Lo endure llvlng wlLh Lhose barbarlc housemaLes, l ofLen walked
ouL Lo lsla vlsLa hoplng LhaL l could meeL a glrl and Lake her home wlLh me. l wanLed Lo prove Lo Lhem all
LhaL glrls llked me, Lo see Lhe look on Lhelr faces when Lhey see a glrl by my slde. 8uL of course, l had
noLhlng Lo prove because glrls #,#"K- llke me. Lvery Llme l Lrled Lo go ouL and meeL a glrl, l ended up
walklng home alone ln anger. Cn one of Lhese nlghLs, l crossed paLhs wlLh a boy who was walklng wlLh
Lwo preLLy glrls. l goL so envlous LhaL l cursed aL Lhem, and Lhen l followed Lhem for a few mlnuLes. 1hey
[usL laughed aL me, and one of Lhe glrls klssed Lhe boy on Lhe llps. l'm assumlng she was hls glrlfrlend.
1haL was one of Lhe worsL experlences of LorLure from glrls LhaL l've had Lo endure, and lL wlll be a scar
ln my memory forever, Lo remlnd me LhaL glrls Lhlnk l'm unworLhy compared Lo oLher boys. l ran home
wlLh Lears pourlng down my cheeks, hoplng LhaL my horrlble housemaLes wouldn'L be Lhere Lo wlLness
my shame.

l Lrled Lo spark a poslLlve aLLlLude on Lhe flrsL day of my AuLumn semesLer aL SanLa 8arbara ClLy
College. l was reglsLered for Lhree classes, hlsLory, asLronomy, and maLh. My hlsLory and asLronomy
classes were ln Lhe mornlng, and my maLh class was laLe ln Lhe afLernoon, so on school days l had Lo
spend Lhe enLlre day aL Lhe college. l flgured Lhls would be beneflclal, because lL would keep me ouL of
my room and ln a place where posslble opporLunlLles mlghL come my way. l had Lo walL a couple of
hours before my maLh class sLarLed, and l spenL Lhose hours roamlng around Lhe college or slLLlng ln Lhe
llbrary, looklng aL all of Lhe hoL glrls and wlshlng l could have one as a glrlfrlend. l was llke a sLarvlng man
surrounded by a feasL LhaL l was prohlblLed Lo eaL.
All of my classes lefL me feellng hopeless and depressed. noL only was l unable Lo meeL any glrls, and
Lhere were a loL of preLLy ones, buL l also had a hard Llme maklng any frlends. l've always had a hard
Llme maklng frlends. l'm noL Lhe Lype of person LhaL can flL ln wlLh a group of ouLgolng people, Lhe lasL
Llme l dld such a Lhlng was when l was Lwelve. l had Lo make frlends. Pavlng a soclal clrcle wlll provlde
me wlLh more opporLunlLles Lo meeL glrls, and lL was Lhe only way Lo geL lnvlLed Lo all of Lhose exclLlng
college parLles. 8uL no one even wanLed Lo be my frlend. l acLually Lrled Lo lnlLlaLe small Lalk wlLh guys
who saL nexL Lo me, buL lL never wenL far. l had a horrlble feellng LhaL l was ln for a very mlserable Llme
ln SanLa 8arbara.

l dld make one frlend Lhrough spendlng Llme ln my aparLmenL's courLyard. 1hls frlend's name was
Andy Chan, he was a forelgn sLudenL from Chlna. Andy shared Lhe same eagerness as l dld Lo experlence
college llfe ln lsla vlsLa Lo Lhe fullesL, and unllke mosL people my age, l found hlm Lo have some
lnLelllgence and subsLance. 1he Lwo of us walked ouL Lo uel laya SLreeL ln lsla vlsLa a few Llmes, Lhe
place where all Lhe parLles happen, buL noLhlng ever came of lL. l sLlll felL llke an ouLcasL, even Lhough l
had a frlend wlLh me, and l sLlll felL lnferlor compared Lo all of Lhose guys who walked around wlLh
beauLlful glrls.

Cn SepLember 3
Lh
, l was flnally able Lo move lnLo my new permanenL aparLmenL unlL. l felL relleved
LhaL l would never have Lo deal wlLh Lhe llkes of 8yan and Angel ever agaln, Lhough l dld worry LhaL l wlll
evenLually run lnLo Lhem agaln because my new unlL was sLlll ln Lhe same aparLmenL complex. Cnce l
was glven Lhe keys, l qulckly LransporLed all of my belonglngs Lo Lhe new place. l was supposed Lo have
only one housemaLe who would llve ln Lhe oLher room of Lhe unlL, buL he hadn'L moved ln yeL. l had no
ldea who my new housemaLe would be, buL l was Lold LhaL he was an older sLudenL who aLLended Lhe
unlverslLy. 1haL knowledge made me feel assured LhaL he would be Lolerable Lo llve wlLh. Pe was seL Lo
arrlve ln Lwo weeks, so l had Lhe place Lo myself unLll Lhen.
l unpacked all of my Lhlngs and seL up my new room. Cnce l was done, l looked aL lL and LhoughL Lo
myself LhaL -),( &'( ,-, Lhls was my new llvlng place ln Lhe college Lown of lsla vlsLa, and lf l could flnally
have Lhe llfe l wanLed, Lhen Lhls may well be Lhe room where l lose my vlrglnlLy! Pow wrong l was. lL
would only be anoLher room where l suffer mlserable lonellness. no glrl wlll ever sLep fooL ln lL.

SanLa 8arbara was noL golng well for me. l was already monLhs lnLo my LwenLleLh year and l had
noLhlng Lo show for lL. As l spenL Lhe flrsL weeks of SepLember ln my new room, all alone, l fully reallzed
how much l was falllng aL llfe. SanLa 8arbara was supposed Lo be a place of hope, a place where l could
sLarL a new, happy llfe. l couldn'L belleve how wrong everyLhlng was Lurnlng ouL. lnsLead of flnally
geLLlng a chance Lo llve a llfe of sex and love llke oLher young people dld, l only experlenced worse
re[ecLlon and humlllaLlon Lhan l had ever experlenced before. 1hls was unbellevable and unforglvable. lf
humanlLy conLlnued Lo lnsulL me wlLh such cruelLy, Lhen Lhere really was no hope for happlness ln my
llfe.
AL SanLa 8arbara ClLy College, l had exacLly Lhe same experlence LhaL l had aL Moorpark. l had Lo
waLch beauLlful young people en[oylng Lhelr llves LogeLher as l langulshed ln lonellness and despalr,
because no one accepLed me. l dropped my maLh class - l [usL couldn'L bear havlng Lo be aL Lhe college
all day long, slLLlng ln Lhe llbrary waLchlng couples klss each oLher. l reLalned my Lwo mornlng classes
only because Lhere was sLlll some small lnkllng of desperaLe home lnslde me.
My usual day wenL as follows: l woke up alone ln my bed, wlLh no glrl beslde me, and dld a few
mlnuLes of exerclse before l showered and goL ready for college, l Lhen drove Lo SLarbucks Lo have my
mornlng laLLe and felL envlous whenever l saw a young couple Lhere, l would Lhen aLLend my Lwo classes
where no one sald a word Lo me, havlng Lo endure Lhe LormenL of waLchlng oLher guys Lalklng Lo Lhe
glrls l llked, And Lhen l would go home alone, open Lhe door Lo my lonely room, and feel absoluLely
mlserable. 1he lonellness was (:1178'-,"5. l could barely breaLhe. lf only one preLLy glrl had aL leasL
glven me a chance and Lrled Lo geL Lo know me, everyLhlng would have Lurned ouL dlfferenLly, buL glrls
conLlnued Lo LreaL me wlLh dlsdaln.
1he lonellness was LorLurlng me so lnLensely LhaL l even sLarLed up my WoW accounL and played Lhe
game consLanLly for Lhe monLh of SepLember. !ames sLlll played WoW, and Lhe Lwo of us played
LogeLher onllne for a few days, buL he LreaLed me very coldly Lhe whole Llme. l could Lell LhaL Lhe klnd of
frlendshlp we had for so many years no longer exlsLed. 1haL lasL lncldenL ln Lhe allsades sLabbed our
frlendshlp deeply, and lL was ln Lhe process of bleedlng away. AL Lhe Llme, l felL offended by hls aLLlLude
Lowards me, so l called hlm ouL on lL. 1hls sparked a long argumenL beLween us LhaL resulLed ln !ames
refuslng Lo Lalk Lo me onllne anymore. A few days afLer LhaL, l deacLlvaLed my accounL agaln.

My new housemaLe arrlved ln Lhe mlddle of SepLember. Pls name was Spencer PorowlLz, a shorL,
chubby uCS8 sLudenL who was abouL a year older Lhan me. Pe seemed llke a frlendly, maLure sorL of
person, deflnlLely a pleasanL conLrasL from Lhe housemaLes l had Lo suffer Lhrough ln Lhe prevlous
monLh. l dldn'L expecL Lo have any problems wlLh hlm. Powever, l was a dlsappolnLed due Lo Lhe facL
LhaL l was hoplng my new housemaLe would be someone l could relaLe Lo. someone who could be my
frlend and help me lnLegraLe wlLh Lhe soclal llfe ln SanLa 8arbara. l dldn'L see Spencer as Lhe Lype of
person l would become frlends wlLh. We could geL along, buL we had noLhlng ln common.
ln addlLlon, l was a blL shocked when Spencer Lold me LhaL he used Lo have a glrlfrlend. lL was a
casual commenL LhaL came ouL of a conversaLlon we had. l dldn'L undersLand how a chubby and
unaLLracLlve guy llke Spencer would have been able Lo geL a glrlfrlend, whlle l've never had Lhe chance
Lo. 1he guy was Lhree lnches shorLer Lhan me, and even l am consldered shorL for my age. l could noL
faLhom how such a Lhlng was posslble, and l concluded Lo myself LhaL Lhls former glrlfrlend" of hls LhaL
he menLloned musL have been [usL as unaLLracLlve as he was. 1here was no need for me Lo be [ealous.
AfLer a few weeks of llvlng wlLh hlm, l reallzed LhaL l had a psychologlcal problem wlLh hls presence ln
my aparLmenL. Lven Lhough Lhere was no Lrouble beLween us, l haLed havlng someone consLanLly ln my
vlclnlLy Lo [udge how paLheLlc my llfe was. l could hlde Lhe deLalls of my lonely, cellbaLe llfe from Lhe resL
of Lhe world, buL l could noL hlde lL from Spencer. 1he facL LhaL l never had any glrls over Lo my room
was clear enough LhaL l was an undeslrable ouLcasL, and l haLed lL when people knew Lhls abouL me and
[udged me for lL. Spencer was Lhere Lo wlLness lL all, and l would evenLually come Lo haLe hlm [usL
because of LhaL.

uurlng Lhe monLhs of CcLober and november, l made anoLher desperaLe bld Lo lmprove my soclal llfe
as besL as l could. l falled ln maklng any frlends ln my Lwo college classes, and l dldn'L have any
lnLeracLlons wlLh glrls aL my school. l was an lnvlslble ghosL, [usL llke l had always been.
l conLlnued Lo see Andy, Lhe one frlend LhaL l made. We ofLen meL up Lo have dlnner aL a resLauranL
somewhere. Pe soon lnLroduced me Lo a few frlends of hls. Cne of Lhem was named SLan, a Luropean
from Polland whom l parLlcularly goL along wlLh. l en[oyed havlng conversaLlons wlLh SLan abouL a wlde
varleLy of sub[ecLs, lncludlng pollLlcs, hlsLory, buslness, and archlLecLure. l wlsely refralned from
reveallng any of my pollLlcal vlews, of whlch dlsLurbed mosL people.
uurlng Lhe monLh of CcLober l wenL ouL wlLh Andy, SLan, and some of Lhelr frlends qulLe ofLen. We
dld Lhlngs llke walk around SLaLe SLreeL or lsla vlsLa, or wenL Lo Lhe movle LheaLres LogeLher. l soon
found LhaL even havlng Lhese few acqualnLances Lo hang ouL wlLh dldn'L make me feel any beLLer. l sLlll
felL lnferlor whenever l saw oLher guys walklng wlLh beauLlful glrls. AL Lhe movle LheaLres, l felL [usL as
paLheLlc abouL walklng ln Lhere wlLh a group of frlends as l dld years ago when l wenL Lo Lhe movles wlLh
my parenLs. lL was LhaL paLheLlc feellng of noL havlng a hoL glrlfrlend on my arm whlle some oLher boys
ln Lhe LheaLre dld. WhaL l Lruly wanLed. whaL l Lruly LRROROC was a glrlfrlend. l needed a glrl's love. l
needed Lo feel &74-)+ as a male. lor so long l have felL worLhless, and lL's all glrls' faulL. no glrl wanLed
Lo be my glrlfrlend.

Palloween weekend ln Lhe college Lown of lsla vlsLa ls a renowned evenL. ?oung people pour ln from
all over Lhe counLy Lo aLLend Lhe raucous parLles Lhere. My experlence durlng Lhls weekend ls [usL whaL
one would have expecLed lL Lo be, a mlserable dlsasLer.
When l was a chlld, l used Lo love Palloween. lL was a hollday of fun and exclLemenL where l wenL
Lrlck-or-LreaLlng, golng from house Lo house collecLlng candy wlLh my frlends and famlly. lor young
adulLs, Palloween ls a very dlfferenL sorL of hollday, of whlch one ls supposed Lo dress up ln sexually
expllclL cosLumes, aLLend wlld drlnklng parLles, and have sexual experlences wlLh glrls. lor oLher young
people, who are able Lo do such Lhlngs, Palloween musL be a blasL. 8uL l am unable Lo do such Lhlngs. l
wasn'L lnvlLed Lo An? parLy, and glrls don'L wanL Lo have sex wlLh me. As a Leenager and a young adulL,
Palloween has been a hollday of LormenL and depresslon because of Lhls. ln lsla vlsLa, Lhls was greaLly
lnLenslfled.
l Lrled my besL Lo puL myself ouL Lhere on Lhe Palloween weekend. l made many laps around lsla
vlsLa, Lrylng Lo bolsLer up Lhe courage Lo Lalk Lo a glrl or walk lnLo a parLy, buL l [usL couldn'L. l knew Lhey
would all re[ecL me. WhaL l saw durlng Lhose walks shook me Lo Lhe very core. Clrls dressed up ln
exLremely reveallng ouLflLs, and Lhe slghL of Lhem fllled my sex-sLarved self wlLh hunger and deslre LhaL l
knew l could never quench.
Cn Lhe lasL nlghL of Lhe Palloween weekend, l wenL ouL Lhere wlLh Andy and SLan and a few oLhers. lL
made absoluLely no dlfference. We dldn'L geL lnLo any parLles, and [usL walked around Lhe sLreeLs llke
losers. 8elng frlends wlLh Lhem wasn'L beneflLLlng me aL all.
lf only l had a beauLlful glrlfrlend Lo experlence such an evenL wlLh! l would have even dressed up ln a
cosLume wlLh her. lL would have been so bllssful and euphorlc, Lo walk around ln all of LhaL exclLemenL
wlLh a beauLlful glrl on my arm, Lo aLLend every slngle parLy because anyone would admlL a beauLlful glrl
lnLo lL, Lo make passlonaLe love Lo her ln my room aL Lhe end of Lhe nlghL, Lo snuggle nexL Lo her sexy
warm body as we drlfL off Lo sleep LogeLher. H>!H ls Lhe llfe l should have llved. So many oLher guys are
able Lo experlence LhaL, and [usL Lhlnklng abouL lf fllled me wlLh exLreme agony. Llfe ls noL falr.

ln november, my brlef frlendshlp wlLh Andy, SLan, and Lhelr group faded away. l ofLen saw on
lacebook LhaL Lhey dld Lhlngs LogeLher wlLhouL even lnvlLlng me, whlch ls Lhe same Lhlng l've had Lo
experlence wlLh oLher groups of frlends LhaL l've had ln Lhe pasL. l was always an ouLcasL, even among
people l knew. l grew Llred of Lhelr lack of conslderaLlon for me, so l sLopped calllng Lhem. 1hey weren'L
even popular anyway, and l wasn'L beneflLLlng aL all from Lhelr frlendshlp. l sLlll conLlnued Lo meeL wlLh
Andy aL resLauranLs on occaslon, however.

Lvery day LhaL l spenL aL my college, Lhe more lnferlor and lnvlslble l felL. l felL llke such an lnferlor
mouse whenever l saw guys walklng wlLh beauLlful glrls. l haLed havlng Lo endure lL, buL l had already
worked so hard on my Lwo classes LhaL l couldn'L qulL [usL Lhen. 1he only way LhaL l could galn a boosL ln
Lo my self-esLeem was Lo buy beLLer looklng cloLhes.
My moLher gave me a few more glfL cards Lo nordsLrom, and l spenL Lhem on $200 dollar deslgner
!eans. When l wore Lhese Lo school, l saw LhaL l was wearlng beLLer !eans Lhan mosL oLher guys, and
LhaL made me have a sllghLly hlgher sense of self-worLh. l also boughL a few more shlrLs, and a palr of
new Pugo 8oss sneakers.
uolng Lhls sLarLed a new obsesslon for me. l became more and more obsessed wlLh my appearance.
8ecause my moLher, faLher, and grandmoLher consLanLly pald me exLra money now LhaL l was llvlng ln
SanLa 8arbara, l had saved up enough Lo lndulge ln Lhls obsesslon. lamlllarlzlng myself wlLh all of Lhe Lop
deslgner brands, l boughL new cloLhes every Llme l vlslLed my homeLown. My favorlLe brands were Pugo
8oss and Armanl. l always sLopped by aL Lhe Camarlllo shopplng cenLer on my way back Lo SanLa
8arbara. l loved lL Lhere - Lhey had a sLore for almosL every brand.
Cne Llme, as l was shopplng aL Lhe Calvln kleln sLore ln Camarlllo, l saw such a sexy-looklng blonde
glrl wlLh perfecLly Lanned skln. She looked so beauLlful and sexy LhaL l had an erecLlon lnsLanLly. P)C -)/
)/'3/"2+ -),"5( % &'"-/# -7 #7 -7 )/4I And Lhen l saw her hunk of a boyfrlend. My enLlre belng was
fllled wlLh angulsh and despalr. l could only lmaglne how amazlng and pleasurable LhaL guy's llfe was.
1hey were older Lhan me - probably mld-LwenLles - and l LhoughL wlLh desperaLe hope LhaL when l'm
LhaL man's age l would be worLhy enough Lo have such a glrlfrlend by my slde, Lo shop wlLh her aL LhaL
same shopplng mall ln heavenly bllss. My llfe was a llfe of sLarvaLlon and yearnlng.

l vlslLed home for 1hanksglvlng, and wenL wlLh my moLher Lo 8ob Lemelson's house for a small
1hanksglvlng geL-LogeLher. !ames was Lhere. And Lhe lasL Llme l spoke Lo hlm slnce Lhen was when we
had our blLLer argumenL onllne. 1he one person who has been my frlend Lhrough all of my hardshlp
dldn'L even wanL Lo speak Lo me durlng 1hanksglvlng. l Lrled Lo ask hlm why he was overreacLlng abouL
an argumenL we had Lwo monLhs prevlously, buL he [usL glared aL me coldly and Lold me Lo keep my
proxlmlLy". l was hlghly offended.
AfLer a few hours, Lhe 1hanksglvlng feasL was served. 1o my profound annoyance, !ullan 8lLz-8arr and
hls equally obnoxlous older broLher Leon 8lLz-8arr also came for Lhe dlnner. l remembered Lhe exLreme
envy l felL for !ullan monLhs ago, and l Lrled Lo lgnore Lhem as much as posslble, whlch proved Lo be
dlfflculL because Lhey Lalked loudly all Lhe Llme.
l was seaLed nexL Lo !ames for Lhe dlnner, and afLer awkwardly slLLlng nexL Lo each oLher for a few
momenLs, he declded Lo warm up Lo me agaln. As Lhe Lwo of us caughL up wlLh each oLher abouL our
llves, a small lnkllng of our old frlendshlp lgnlLed llke a weak fllLLer of flame ln a candle. lL was nlce, for
Lhe brlef momenL LhaL lL lasLed. 1he Lwo of us Lalked abouL our usual fanLasy scenarlos, and [oked abouL
how sLupld and obnoxlous Lhe 8lLz-8arr broLhers were acLlng.

Cn LhaL same weekend LhaL l wenL home, l goL LogeLher wlLh hlllp and Addlson. 1he Lhree of us
wenL ouL Lo a resLauranL ln L.A., and Lhen we headed Lo Lhe CrlfflLh ark CbservaLory, [usL llke old Llmes.
1he lasL Llme l was Lhere wlLh Lhe Lwo of Lhem was on LhaL horrlble nlghL when Addlson Lold me LhaL
no glrl wlll ever wanL Lo fuck me." 1he words were sLlll embedded ln my mlnd, and golng Lo CrlfflLh
ark remlnded me of LhaL nlghL. 1he Lhree of us Look a few plcLures of us poslng aL varlous spoLs aL Lhe
CbservaLory, some of whlch were uploaded onLo lacebook, and Lhen we wenL Lo Lhe Calabasas
Commons Lo hang ouL aL 8arnes & noble, where l had a few lnslghLful conversaLlons wlLh Addlson.
uesplLe our pasL hosLlllLles, l consldered Addlson Lo be one of Lhe mosL lnLeresLlng people l knew.

l wenL back Lo SanLa 8arbara for a couple of weeks Lo flnlsh off my Lwo classes. ln my hlsLory class, l
kepL feellng weak wlLh lnferlorlLy as l waLched Lhls Lall, handsome blonde [ock consLanLly slL and Lalk
wlLh Lwo beauLlful glrls. 1here was no way LhaL l couldn'L waLch lL, Lhey were ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe class. l
haLed LhaL class so much, and l declded Lo sLop aLLendlng lL unLll Lhe flnal exam. Cnce l Look Lhe flnal
exams, l felL glad Lo be done wlLh Lhose horrlflcally frusLraLlng college classes.
lL was [usL as l had feared. My flrsL acLual semesLer aL SanLa 8arbara ClLy College was an absoluLe,
bruLal fallure. l dldn'L even have one glrl's phone number ln my cell phone. 0'( % 57,"5 -7 9/ ' 3,45,"
174/3/46 l franLlcly wondered as l drove away from my school afLer Laklng my exams. l felL llke my whole
llfe was over. lf l couldn'L make lL ln such a beauLlful and opporLunlsLlc place llke SanLa 8arbara, Lhen l
was doomed Lo mlsery and dlssaLlsfacLlon. l knew LhaL l would raLher dle Lhan suffer such a faLe, and l
knew LhaL lf lL came Lo LhaL, l would do everyLhlng l can Lo exacL revenge before l dle. l dldn'L wanL lL Lo
resorL Lo LhaL! Some parL of me sLlll clung Lo hope. l dldn'L wanL Lo glve up so soon.
As l made Lhe long scenlc drlve back Lo my homeLown for Lhe Polldays, l made a vow Lo glve lL all
anoLher Lry when l sLarL my new semesLer ln Lhe Sprlng, and Lo use Lhe Llme l had durlng Lhe wlnLer
break Lo prepare for lL as much as l could.

My moLher Lold me LhaL she had made plans for me, my slsLer, and her Lo go Lo Lngland for a week.
upon hearlng Lhls, l sald l dldn'L wanL Lo go. l felL so dlssaLlsfled and defeaLed, and l dldn'L wanL Lo
appear LhaL way Lo my relaLlves ln Lngland. 1here was noLhlng abouL me LhaL Lhey could be proud of. l
felL ashamed of havlng Lo face Lhem Lhe way l was. AfLer some persuaslon, l agreed Lo go. l flgured LhaL
lf anyLhlng, lL would glve me a resplLe from all Lhe paln socleLy has dealL Lo me, [usL llke our old vlslLs Lo
!ack's beach house ln Mallbu.

8efore we lefL for Lngland, we aLLended Lhe annual ChrlsLmas parLy aL Lhe Lemelson's. l had recenLly
boughL a flashy new shlrL from Armanl Lxchange LhaL made me feel parLlcularly fabulous, so l declded Lo
wear lL for Lhe parLy. l loved admlrlng how awesome l looked ln Lhe mlrror as l wore lL. Wearlng flashy
new cloLhes made me feel llke a new person. l found lL Lo be a very efflclenL way Lo boosL my
confldence. When l enLered Lhe parLy, l felL graLlfled when Sue Lemelson, 8ob's ex-wlfe, compllmenLed
me on how good l looked. My moLher polnLed ouL LhaL lL was unusual for Sue Lo compllmenL anyone, so
l musL have made a good lmpresslon.
!ames was aL Lhe parLy, of course. Pe dldn'L acL ouLwardly cold Loward me Lhls Llme, buL Lhere was
sLlll a dlsLance beLween us. uurlng Lhe course of Lhe evenL, l had my flll of mulLlple glasses of wlne as l
casually chaLLed wlLh !ames abouL my lnslghLs and llfe problems. We lnLeracLed as lf we were sLlll
frlends, buL l could Lell LhaL Lhlngs were very dlfferenL beLween us. 1he frlendshlp LhaL we have had for
so long was dylng. When l sald goodbye Lo hlm LhaL nlghL, lL was Lhe lasL Llme l ever saw hlm.

AfLer havlng a qulck ChrlsLmas celebraLlon aL faLher's house, l Look off for Lngland wlLh my moLher
and slsLer. We flew 8uslness Class on vlrgln ALlanLlc, and slnce Lhey followed Lhe laws of Lhe u.k., l was
allowed Lo drlnk alcohol on Lhe fllghL. l Look dellghL ln slpplng Lhe wlne LhaL was served whlle l en[oyed
Lhe relaxlng [ourney. 1he lasL Llme l had been on an alrplane slnce Lhen was Lhe dlsasLrous Lrlp Lo
Morocco when l was sevenLeen, and Lhls made for a pleasanL conLrasL.
When we landed ln Lngland l felL Lhe sense of wonder LhaL came wlLh belng ln anoLher counLry. l
hadn'L been Lo my home counLry of Lngland for almosL a decade, and l couldn'L belleve l was Lhere once
agaln. 1he declslon Lo go on Lhe Lrlp came so qulckly. We sLayed aL a very nlce hoLel ln Lhe Lown of
ColchesLer, near where my relaLlves on my moLher's slde llve, lncludlng my grandma Ah Mah. AfLer we
unpacked all of our belonglngs, we wenL Lo Lhelr house for dlnner. l hadn'L seen Lhose relaLlves slnce our
Lrlp Lo Malaysla. lL felL pecullar Lo see Lhem all agaln. 1hey were exacLly Lhe same as l remembered. lL
was very hearLwarmlng Lo see LhaL grandma Ah Mah had baked her dellclous peanuL cookles LhaL l loved
so much as a chlld, she had Lhem ready and walLlng for me.
We vlslLed Lhem agaln on ChrlsLmas uay. 1hey prepared an exqulslLe lunch, and afLerward we
exchanged our glfLs. l goL a blL drunk on LhaL day, as lL was Lhe only Lhlng l could do Lo pass Lhe Llme. l
Lrled Lo relax and forgeL abouL all of Lhe paln l had experlenced ln SanLa 8arbara. l wlshed Lhere was
someLhlng l could Lalk Lo my relaLlves abouL LhaL would make Lhem proud, buL Lhere was noLhlng
lnLeresLlng or lmpresslve abouL my llfe Lo Lalk abouL. l wlshed LhaL l could show my grandma LhaL l was
Lhrlvlng ln SanLa 8arbara, LhaL l had a glrlfrlend and l was en[oylng a full and healLhy llfe. 8uL no, LhaL ls
someLhlng l was never able Lo do. l felL so ashamed of myself.
My grandma, Ah Mah, gave me a glfL of greaL value. AfLer we exchanged all of Lhe presenLs wlLh Lhe
relaLlves, Ah Mah presenLed me wlLh a 22 karaL golden necklace. lL was very exLravaganL, and lL had
been ln her possesslon for a long Llme. now lL was mlne. l wore lL lnsLanLly and Look a greaL llklng Lo lL.
lrom Lhen on, l would wear lL ln every waklng momenL. l could have sold lL for well over a Lhousand
dollars, buL l never dld. lL was speclal Lo me.
My favorlLe parL of Lhe Lrlp was Lhe breakfasLs aL Lhe hoLel. 1he hoLel we sLayed aL was qulLe
luxurlous, even by my sLandards. And Lhe breakfasLs. Lhey were absoluLely dellclous. Lvery mornlng
Lhere was a buffeL full of delecLable cholces, such as crlspy pork sausage, crolssanLs, bacon, ham, roasL
poLaLoes, all klnds of frulL, and much more. Cn every one of Lhose mornlngs, l sLuffed myself llke Lhere
was no Lomorrow. l was deprlved of sex all my llfe, so Lhe only vlce LhaL l could derlve a sense of
pleasure from was eaLlng dellclous food. l Look full advanLage of LhaL on Lhls Lrlp. My hlgh meLabollsm
prevenLed me from geLLlng faL from lL.
8efore Lhe Lrlp was over, we all wenL on a Lour Lhrough London. We were supposed Lo vlslL grandma
!lnx ln Smarden on LhaL same day, buL grandma !lnx was ln lrance aL Lhe Llme. We renLed a comforLable
Mercedes van LhaL could flL elghL people and made a long drlve Lhrough Lhe Lngllsh counLryslde Lo Lhe
caplLal clLy of London. l dldn'L remember much of Lhe clLy from my prevlous vlslLs, so lL was klnd of llke a
new experlence for me. l found Lhe clLy Lo be very ugly ln mosL areas, buL ln conLrasL Lhere were some
aLLracLlve parLs LhaL were awash wlLh beauLlful archlLecLure and a culLural aLmosphere. Cnce we parked
our van we seL ouL on fooL, and someLlmes Look Lhe underground subway, Lo explore all of Lhe maln
aLLracLlons of Lhe clLy. lL was cold, dreadfully cold, buL l bore lL wlLhouL much concern. Walklng Lhrough
Lhe sLreeLs of London aL nlghL, especlally ln 1rafalgar Square and Lhe area around Parrods was Lruly
breaLhLaklng, or lL would have been lf l had a beauLlful glrlfrlend by my slde Lo experlence lL wlLh me. lL
was Lhe sorL of place LhaL one would go wlLh a glrlfrlend, and l had none. l saw oLher men belng able Lo
experlence lL wlLh Lhelr glrlfrlends, and Lhe slghL soured my whole experlence. When we had dlnner aL a
resLauranL, l scoffed a blg meal and lmblbed Lwo glasses of wlne Lo make myself feel beLLer durlng Lhe
resL of our Lour. My favorlLe parL was walklng Lhrough Lhe sLore Parrods. Parrods ls a glganLlc,
renowned luxury deslgner cloLhlng sLore. Lvery faceL of lL exuded beauLy and excesslve opulence. lL was
my Lype of place. l wlshed l was rlch enough Lo buy anyLhlng l wanLed aL Lhe sLore - Lhere were so many
cholces of fabulous cloLhlng - buL alas, l had Lo seLLle wlLh buylng only one Clorglo Armanl shlrL. lf my
moLher had been wlse enough Lo marry one of Lhose wealLhy men she daLed, perhaps Lhen l would have
been rlch enough. Such a plLy.
AL Lhe end of Lhe nlghL of our London Lour, l felL cold and mlserable. Walklng Lhrough LhaL exclLlng,
culLural clLy made me reallze LhaL Lhe world was full of wonders Lo explore, buL lf l had Lo do lL alone
whlle oLher men were able Lo do lL wlLh Lhelr glrlfrlends, Lhen whaL was Lhe polnL? My llfe was so
mundane and wasLeful compared Lo Lhe llves all Lhose oLher men llved. 1hey were ln heaven and l was
ln hell.
When we Look off on Lhe alrplane for Lhe [ourney home, l wondered how my llfe would have Lurned
ouL lf we never moved Lo Lhe unlLed SLaLes. l saw a loL of beauLlful blonde glrls ln Lngland, [usL llke Lhere
were ln Callfornla. Would l have llved a compleLely dlfferenL Lype of llfe? Would l have been able Lo have
a glrlfrlend ln Lngland? Would glrls ln Lngland have been more accepLlng of a guy llke me? 1hose are
quesLlons l wlll never know Lhe answer Lo.

l spenL a few hours recoverlng from [eL lag afLer we arrlved home. Cn Lhe day afLer LhaL, lL was new
?ear's Lve. l dldn'L wanL a repeaL of Lhe prevlous new ?ear's, when l spenL Lhem alone and mlserable ln
my room, so l declded Lo go wlLh my faLher and Soumaya Lo a parLy and AnL[e 1wlnn's house. My faLher
was sLlll frlends wlLh Lhem, desplLe noL belng frlends wlLh Lhe 8ubenhelm's anymore. l wanLed Lo wear
someLhlng new for Lhe parLy, ln order Lo boosL my sense of self-confldence, so l wenL Lo nordsLrom and
boughL a new, flashy Pugo 8oss shlrL, decoraLed wlLh dlfferenL hues of blue.
l dldn'L have dlnner before Lhe parLy, because l expecLed dlnner Lo be served Lhere. When we goL
Lhere, l saw LhaL Lhey dldn'L offer dlnner, only a few parLy snacks, buL Lhere was loLs and loLs of wlne. l
heard from AnL[e LhaL vlncenL was ln Lown, buL he was aLLendlng a parLy aL Leo 8ubenhelm's house,
wlLh all of Leo's popular Leenage frlends. 1he mere menLlon of Leo puL me ln a bad mood. l couldn'L
belleve LhaL vlncenL, Loo, was now experlenclng Lhe pleasures of parLylng wlLh young people whlle l saL
all alone aL Lhe adulL's parLy, slpplng my wlne ln lonely depresslon. l should be parLylng wlLh my own
frlends, and my own glrlfrlends, buL l had LPLR.
AfLer l had already goLLen qulLe drunk from havlng so much wlne on an empLy sLomach, l overheard
AnL[e Lalklng Lo her frlend abouL how vlncenL now had a beauLlful glrlfrlend. She was so proud of her
son. 1haL ls someLhlng my moLher was never able Lo Lell her frlends abouL me. l had never had a
glrlfrlend ln my WPCLL LllL! l remember when vlncenL used Lo be a llLLle nlne-year-old boy whlle l was
LhlrLeen. Pe used Lo look up Lo me, and he always waLched me play my onllne games on faLher's lapLop.
now, he was slxLeen and l was LwenLy. Pe had Lhe pleasure of havlng a glrlfrlend, whlle l've never had
one. l was four years older Lhan hlm, buL he surpassed me. 1he envy, rage, and feellng of lnferlorlLy l felL
almosL made me explode wlLh rage rlghL Lhere aL Lhe parLy, buL lnsLead l wenL Lo Lhe baLhroom and
venLed Lo myself ln Lhe mlrror of how much l haLe vlncenL and wanLed Lo klll hlm. l drank a loL more
wlne LhaL nlghL, pourlng myself glass afLer glass. 8y Lhe Llme vlncenL arrlved afLer hls parLy aL Leo's, l
greeLed hlm wlLh drunken conLempL, and drank even more wlne. l drank Loo much. Cn Lhe nexL
mornlng, l Lhanked Lhe heavens LhaL aL Lhe end of Lhe parLy l had Lhe sense Lo go Lo Lhe baLhroom Lo
vomlL lnsLead of vomlLlng ln fronL of everyone. 1haL would have been exLremely embarrasslng.

l spenL a week aL my moLher's house before l wenL back Lo SanLa 8arbara Lo glve my llfe Lhere
anoLher Lry. uurlng Lhls week, l once agaln meL up wlLh hlllp and Addlson. 1hls ouLlng was much longer
Lhan Lhe lasL. l declded Lo wear Lhe same Pugo 8oss shlrL LhaL l wore for new ?ear's. llrsL, we wenL on a
hlke up Lo Lhe Pollywood slgn and waLched Lhe glorlous sunseL. AfLerwards, we vlslLed Lhe CeLLy
Museum Lo admlre Lhe brllllanL scenery and archlLecLure. Whlle Lhere, l overheard hlllp Lelllng Addlson
LhaL some glrls were checklng hlm ouL. leellng [ealous, l asked hlllp lf any of Lhose glrls checked @/
ouL, and he had Lhe audaclLy Lo say no, none of Lhem dld. l felL so hearLbroken LhaL l lefL Lhe Lwo of Lhem
and crled Lo myself, rulnlng my whole experlence aL Lhe museum. >7& 87:2# 5,42( 8)/8B 7:- !##,(7" 9:-
"7- @/6 l asked myself repeaLedly as l Lrled Lo hlde my Lears from people who walked by me. l walked
ouL Lo Lhe edge of Lhe grand Lerrace of Lhe museum, looklng ouL aL Lhe clLy llghLs of Los Angeles as well
as Lhe sLars above. ln LhaL momenL, l fell lnLo a sorL of despalr-rldden Lrance, conLemplaLlng my reason
for exlsLlng ln Lhls unlverse and whaL was ln sLore for my fuLure. lL was a very omlnous and surreal
experlence. l calmed down when we lefL Lhe museum and acLed cordlal Lo boLh of Lhem. l dldn'L wanL Lo
spoll Lhe nlghL wlLh my emoLlonal problems. We Loured around Pollywood for a blL, and whlle Lhere l
saw loLs of young people ouL and abouL wlLh Lhelr aLLracLlve cllques of frlends. 1he slghL enraged me for
Lhe resL of Lhe nlghL. We declded Lo have dlnner aL a resLauranL on SunseL 8oulevard. AL Lhe resLauranL,
Lhere were Lhree hoL model-llke glrls who saL a few Lables down from us. 1helr bodles looked so sexy
and LanLallzlng LhaL hlllp had Lo go Lo Lhe baLhroom Lo masLurbaLe. l was lLchlng Lo do exacLly Lhe same
Lhlng, buL l dldn'L wanL Lo look llke a fool ln fronL of Addlson.
When l goL home, l began Lo cry because of all Lhe emoLlons l experlenced LhaL nlghL. My moLher
heard me and showed some concern, as she always dld. She was used Lo me crylng a loL, buL she never
undersLood why l was so mlserable. l always had Lo explaln lL Lo her - LhaL l was a lonely, mlserable,
unwanLed vlrgln who women LreaLed wlLh dlsdaln - buL she could never grasp how severe Lhls was Lo
me. AfLer all, how could she? She was a woman herself.

l arrlved back ln SanLa 8arbara wlLh a renewed, carefully consLrucLed sense of confldence, especlally
because of Lhe new collecLlon of deslgner cloLhes l had boughL over Lhe wlnLer break. l Lrled Lo adopL a
sophlsLlcaLed and suave persona, and made my accenL sound more eloquenL. l dld Lhls ouL of Lhe hope
LhaL glrls would flnd someLhlng aLLracLlve abouL lL. lL was Lhe only persona LhaL Lruly flL me. l was
lncapable of belng an ouLgolng, bolsLerous [ock, and l dldn'L wanL Lo be one. l was dlsgusLed by such
people, and l was dlsgusLed aL how glrls were aLLracLed Lo such fllLh. l wanLed Lhem Lo be aLLracLed Lo
@/. 1haL ls how lL should be, and l deserved lL.
uurlng Lhe few weeks l had before my flrsL day of class, l couldn'L really do anyLhlng Lo lmprove my
soclal slLuaLlon. l had a fear of golng ouL Lo lsla vlsLa wlLhouL any frlends, and l was hoplng Lo make
Lhose frlends once college sLarLed. 8ecause of Lhls, l became depressed agaln from all of Lhe lonellness.
Lven Lhough Spencer was Lhere, l felL compleLely and uLLerly alone, as Lhe Lwo of us never Lalked LhaL
much.
So far, Spencer and l had goLLen along qulLe well desplLe Lhe facL LhaL we never Lalked much. An
lncldenL happened aL Lhe end of !anuary LhaL changed all of Lhls. l one day dlscovered LhaL Spencer had
a glrl ln Lhls room. l couldn'L belleve lL. 1he shorL, chubby guy was able Lo geL a glrl lnLo hls room before l
dld! l was so shocked and ouLraged LhaL l walLed ouLslde hls room unLll Lhe glrl lefL, so l could geL a
gllmpse of how she looked. 1o my rellef, she wasn'L LhaL aLLracLlve. WhaL made me even more angry ls
LhaL Spencer gave me a smug look when l saw Lhe glrl, even Lhough she was ugly. Pe had Lhe nerve Lo
feel llke he was beLLer Lhan me, [usL because he managed Lo geL a glrl over Lo Lhe aparLmenL before l
dld! l confronLed hlm ln Lhe klLchen on LhaL same nlghL, Lelllng hlm LhaL he ls foollsh Lo feel proud abouL
havlng an ugly whore ln hls room. 1hls made hlm angry and offended, whlch ls whaL l wanLed. l wanLed
Lo offend hlm as punlshmenL for hls lnsolence. AfLer LhaL lncldenL, Lhe Lwo of us became more and more
hosLlle Lowards each oLher.

ln Lhe beglnnlng of lebruary, my Sprlng semesLer aL SanLa 8arbara ClLy College began. 1he classes l
reglsLered for were Soclology, MaLh, lllm SLudles, and Lngllsh. My Lngllsh class was an onllne class, buL
Lhe oLher Lhree were normal classes LhaL l aLLended aL Lhe college. Soclology and maLh were on
1uesdays and 1hursdays, and my fllm class was on lrlday mornlngs. lL made for a convenlenL seLup.
1hls was Lhe lasL chance. l had already falled Lo change my llfe ln Lhe lasL semesLer. l musL noL fall
agaln. l remembered how hard lL was Lo keep up Lhose Lwo classes ln Lhe AuLumn. 1he people ln Lhem
made me feel so mlserable. l knew LhaL lf Lhe same Lhlng happens ln Lhe comlng semesLer, l would end
up dropplng all of my classes, and lf LhaL happened, all of my hope would be doomed.
Cn Lhe mornlng of Lhe flrsL day, l donned my fabulous Armanl Lxchange shlrL and puL on my new
Cuccl sunglasses LhaL my moLher gave me. l admlred myself ln Lhe mlrror for a few momenLs, and began
Lo feel a surge of enLhuslasm. l wanLed everyone Lo see me looklng llke LhaL. l was hopeful LhaL some
glrls would admlre me. l sald Lo myself LhaL Lhere was no way l could posslbly have Lrouble wlLh geLLlng
glrls now. l sLopped by aL SLarbucks Lo buy a laLLe and seL off for my college wlLh Lhe confldence LhaL l
would appear as a superlor genLleman Lo all of Lhe sLudenLs Lhere. l &'( a superlor genLleman. 1haL was
whaL l was born Lo be, and lL was now Llme Lo show lL Lo Lhe world.
lL was a brlghL, sunny day as l as ascended Lhe famlllar sLeps up Lo Lhe beauLlful college campus of
S8CC. l lmmedlaLely wenL Lo Lhe resLroom Lo look aL myself ln Lhe mlrror a few Llmes, [usL so LhaL l can
feel more assured of myself. M/(C l LhoughL. % '@ -)/ ,@'5/ 71 9/':-+ '# (:*4/@'8+. l kepL saylng lL over
and over agaln, as lf lL was a manLra. When l crossed Lhe renowned brldge LhaL connecLed Lhe Lwo
halves of Lhe campus, l felL as lf everyone was admlrlng me. As l passed by groups of glrls, l preLended Lo
lmaglne LhaL Lhey secreLly adored and wanLed me. AfLer all, LhaL was how lL was @/'"- Lo be. 1he more
l walked around Lhe campus, Lhe more l Lrled Lo convlnce myself LhaL LhaL was Lhe case.
My flrsL class was soclology, and l walLed unLll everyone was seaLed before l walked ln. l came ln
Lhrough Lhe fronL enLrance so LhaL everyone could look aL my fabulous self. 1o my uLLer dlsmay, l saw
LhaL no one Lurned Lhelr head Lo look aL me aL all. no glrl LllLed a head or llfLed a preLLy llLLle eyebrow aL
my approach. AfLer all LhaL efforL, l was sLlll belng LreaLed llke l was lnvlslble.
1he soclology class flew by llke a breeze, and my nexL class was maLh. ln Lhls class, l saw one of Lhe
preLLlesL glrls l had ever seen ln my llfe. She was Lhe only preLLy glrl ln Lhe class, and she was absoluLely
sLunnlng. Cf course, she dldn'L even noLlce me as l walked ln. Per beauLy was so lnLlmldaLlng LhaL l
couldn'L brlng myself Lo slL near her, ouL of fear of her [udgmenL. As Lhe lecLure proceeded, l couldn'L
help myself from consLanLly glanclng aL her, admlrlng every lnch of her enLlclng body, from her sllky
blonde halr Lo her smooLh, sklnny, llghLly Lanned legs. 1he mosL beauLlful Lhlng abouL her was her face.
lL was a face LhaL broke my hearL Lhe second l lald eyes on lL. l wanLed her wlLh so much lnLenslLy, and l
consLanLly fanLaslzed abouL her durlng my masLurbaLlon sesslons. H),( was Lhe klnd of glrl who was
always meanL Lo be my glrlfrlend. H),( was Lhe glrl LhaL l was meanL Lo go Lhrough college ln SanLa
8arbara wlLh. My llfe would only have meanlng lf l could go Lhrough college wlLh a glrlfrlend llke )/4.

As l made my way back from school one day durlng Lhe flrsL week, l was sLopped aL a sLopllghL ln lsla
vlsLa when l saw Lwo hoL blonde glrls walLlng aL Lhe bus sLop. l was dressed ln one of my nlce shlrLs, so l
looked aL Lhem and smlled. 1hey looked aL me, buL Lhey dldn'L even delgn Lo smlle back. 1hey [usL
looked away as lf l was a fool. As l drove away l became very lnfurlaLed. lL was such an lnsulL. 1hls was
Lhe way all glrls LreaLed me, and l was slck and Llred of lL. ln a rage, l made a u-Lurn, pulled up Lo Lhelr
bus sLop and splashed my SLarbucks laLLe all over Lhem. l felL a feellng a splLeful saLlsfacLlon as l saw lL
sLaln Lhelr [eans. l Lhen qulckly speeded away before Lhey could caLch my llcense plaLe number. >7&
#'4/ -)7(/ 5,42( (":9 @/ ," (:8) ' 1'(),7"A >7& #'4/ -)/+ ,"(:2- @/ (7A l raged Lo myself repeaLedly.
1hey deserved Lhe punlshmenL l gave Lhem. lL was such a plLy LhaL my laLLe wasn'L hoL enough Lo burn
Lhem. 1hose glrls deserved Lo be dumped ln bolllng waLer for Lhe crlme of noL glvlng me Lhe aLLenLlon
and adoraLlon l so rlghLfully deserve!
1hls lncldenL soured my flrsL week of college, buL for Lhe sake of all of my hopes and dreams, l Lrled Lo
forgeL abouL lL.

lor Lhe monLh of lebruary, l conLlnued wlLh Lhe Lrend of aLLendlng my college classes and Lrylng Lo
make Lhe mosL of lL. WlLh each passlng day, my confldence abouL how l appeared Lo everyone sLarLed Lo
wane. l sLlll dldn'L make any frlends, and l sLlll dldn'L Lalk Lo any glrls. 8y Lhe end of Lhe monLh, l began Lo
quesLlon whaL l was dolng so wrong. l saw obnoxlous slobs who dressed ln baskeLball shorLs and 1-shlrLs
walklng wlLh hoL glrls. And Lhere l was, decked ouL ln Armanl, all by myself. lL was preposLerous! l should
have been Lhe one walklng wlLh Lhe hoL glrls! l soon reallzed LhaL no one cared aL all abouL how well l
dressed. no glrls admlred me. no glrls even gave me a second look.
l soon found ouL Lhe name of Lhe beauLlful glrl ln my maLh class. Per name was 8rlLLany SLory. 8elng
Lhe obsessed sLalker LhaL l was, l looked her up on lacebook, and whaL l found shaLLered my already
wounded hearL Lo pleces. She had a boyfrlend. noL only LhaL, buL her boyfrlend was Lhe Lype of boy l
have always haLed and desplsed: a Lall, muscular surfer-[ock wlLh a buzz cuL. As l looked aL all Lhe
plcLures of Lhe Lwo of Lhem LogeLher, l (),3/4/# wlLh pure haLred. l could physlcally feel Lhe haLred burn
Lhrough my enLlre body. l wanLed Lo klll boLh of Lhem, and l was capable of dolng lL. 8rlLLany SLory
should have been mlne, and lf can'L have her, no one should! l fanLaslzed abouL capLurlng Lhe Lwo of
Lhem and sLrlpplng Lhe skln off her boyfrlend's flesh whlle maklng her waLch. 0)+ @:(- @+ 2,1/ 9/ (7 1:22
71 -74@/"- '"# )'-4/#6 l quesLloned Lo Lhe unlverse wlLh Lurmoll rolllng lnslde me. l screamed and crled
wlLh angulsh LhaL day. My housemaLe Spencer heard lL all, buL l dldn'L care.
l dropped my maLh class lmmedlaLely afLer learnlng LhaL 8rlLLany had a boyfrlend. l couldn'L look aL
her beauLy anymore, knowlng LhaL some punk was able Lo en[oy havlng sex wlLh her every day. l can
only lmaglne how heavenly LhaL guy's llfe musL be. Pe was ln heaven and l was ln hell. ShorLly afLer
dropplng my maLh class, l declded Lo drop all of my oLher classes ln a rage. 1here was no polnL Lo lL
anymore. no maLLer how hard l Lrled, glrls were noL aLLracLed Lo me. WhaL was Lhe polnL of golng
Lhrough college, geLLlng a degree, and flndlng some mundane professlonal [ob afLerwards lf l could
never experlence Lhe pleasure of glrls along Lhe way? l dldn'L wanL Lo LorLure myself wlLh golng Lo
college and looklng aL all of Lhose beauLlful glrls l could never have. noLhlng beneflclal came ouL of lL.
1here was no hope for me Lo ever have a deslrable college llfe. My llfe was devold of frlends, devold of
glrls, devold of sex, and devold of love. l reallzed LhaL l wlll never be able Lo look back on my youLh, Lhe
Llme LhaL l should be havlng a blasL, and feel saLlsfled abouL all of Lhe happy memorles l have. 1here
were no happy memorles, only mlsery, lonellness, re[ecLlon, and paln. 1he only Lhlng l could do was
even Lhe score. l wanLed Lo make everyone else suffer [usL as Lhey made me suffer. l wanLed revenge.

When l dropped my college classes, l crossed a Lhreshold LhaL l knew exlsLed, buL never acLually
belleved l would cross. lL compleLely ended all hope l had of llvlng a deslrable llfe ln SanLa 8arbara. l
reallzed LhaL l would be a vlrgln forever, condemned Lo suffer re[ecLlon and humlllaLlon aL Lhe hands of
women because Lhey don'L fancy me, because Lhelr sexual aLLracLlons are flawed. 1hey are aLLracLed Lo
Lhe wrong Lype of male. l always mused Lo myself LhaL l would raLher dle Lhan suffer such an exlsLence,
and l knew LhaL lf lL came Lo LhaL, l would exacL my revenge upon Lhe world ln Lhe mosL caLasLrophlc
way posslble. AL leasL Lhen, l could dle knowlng LhaL l foughL back agalnsL Lhe ln[usLlce LhaL has been
dealL Lo me.
Lver slnce my llfe Look a very dark Lurn aL Lhe age of sevenLeen, l ofLen had fanLasles of how
malevolenLly saLlsfylng lL would be Lo punlsh all of Lhe popular klds and young couples for Lhe crlme of
havlng a beLLer llfe Lhan me. l dreamed of how sweeL lL would be Lo LorLure or klll every slngle young
couple l saw. Powever, as l sald prevlously ln Lhls sLory, l never LhoughL l would acLually go Lhrough wlLh
Lhese drasLlc deslres. l had hope lnslde me LhaL l could one day have a happy llfe.
lL was only when l flrsL moved Lo SanLa 8arbara LhaL l sLarLed conslderlng Lhe posslblllLy of havlng Lo
carry ouL a vlolenL acL of revenge, as Lhe flnal soluLlon Lo deallng wlLh all of Lhe ln[usLlces l've had Lo face
aL Lhe hands of women and socleLy. l came up wlLh a name for Lhls afLer l saw all of Lhe good looklng
young couples walklng around my college and ln Lhe Lown of lsla vlsLa. l named lL Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon.
lL would be a day ln whlch l exacL my ulLlmaLe reLrlbuLlon and revenge on all of Lhe hedonlsLlc scum who
en[oyed llves of pleasure LhaL Lhey don'L deserve. lf l can'L have lL, l wlll desLroy lL. l wlll desLroy all
women because l can never have Lhem. l wlll make Lhem all suffer for re[ecLlng me. l wlll arm myself
wlLh deadly weapons and wage a war agalnsL '22 &7@/" '"# -)/ @/" -)/+ '4/ '--4'8-/# -7. And l wlll
slaughLer Lhem llke Lhe anlmals Lhey are. lf Lhey won'L accepL me among Lhem, Lhen Lhey are my
enemles. 1hey showed me no mercy, and ln Lurn l wlll show Lhem no mercy. 1he prospecL wlll be so
sweeL, and [usLlce wlll ulLlmaLely be served. And of course, l would have Lo dle ln Lhe acL Lo avold golng
Lo prlson.
1haL ls when l reallzed LhaL Lhls Lhreshold exlsLed, and lf l crossed lL, l wlll have Lo carry ouL Lhls uay of
8eLrlbuLlon. lL has remalned sLagnanL ln Lhe back of my mlnd ever slnce, unLll Lhls polnL. AfLer dropplng
my Sprlng classes aL SanLa 8arbara ClLy College, l knew LhaL Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon was now very
posslble. l even wroLe abouL lL ln my dlary, buL l laLer Lore ouL Lhe pages because l feared someone mlghL
flnd Lhem. A shlver ran Lhrough me, reallzlng how LwlsLed my world had become, LhaL l would have Lo
resorL Lo dolng someLhlng LhaL l would conslder unLhlnkable a few years ago. l dldn'L &'"- Lo do lL. l
wanLed Lo 2,3/. 1hlnklng abouL Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon made me feel Lrapped. l wanLed a way ouL.

AfLer some deep conLemplaLlon, l had Lhe revelaLlon LhaL Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon wasn'L Lhe only way l
could make up for all of Lhe sufferlng l've had Lo experlence. lf l could somehow become a mulLl-
mllllonalre aL a young age, Lhen my llfesLyle would lnsLanLly become beLLer Lhan mosL people my age. l
would be able Lo geL revenge on my enemles [usL by llvlng above Lhem and lordlng over Lhem. 1haL was
a form of happy, peaceful revenge, and lL became my only hope. Cnce agaln, l sLarLed Lo desperaLely
ponder over ways LhaL l could become exLremely wealLhy aL a young age. lL was my only way ouL.
1hls ls when l reallzed LhaL wealLh was Lhe only way l could lose my vlrglnlLy, Lhe only way l could
have Lhe beauLlful glrlfrlend l know l deserve. uue Lo all of my pasL experlences wlLh glrls, lL ls evldenL
LhaL glrls are noL aLLracLed Lo me as a person. 1hey are repulsed by me. 1he only way l could posslble
become worLhy of Lhelr love and aLLracLlon ls lf l become wealLhy.

ln Lhe beglnnlng of March, l wenL home ln a sullen and dlsLurbed mood. l dld my besL Lo hlde lL from
my parenLs. l also had Lo hlde Lhe facL LhaL l dropped all of my college classes, and l kepL up Lhe preLense
LhaL l was sLlll aLLendlng college, Lalklng Lo my faLher abouL my lecLures and so forLh.
1he weekend LhaL l vlslLed home was qulLe an evenLful one, and l had been looklng forward Lo lL for
some Llme. Cn Sunday, March 11
Lh
2012, l wenL wlLh my moLher and slsLer Lo a prlvaLe, excluslve kaLy
erry concerL, and on March 12
Lh
2012 l wenL wlLh my faLher and Soumaya Lo Lhe red carpeL premlere of
Lhe Punger Cames.

1he lnvlLaLlon Lo Lhe prlvaLe kaLy erry concerL was acLually meanL for 8ob Lemelson, as Lhe concerL
was held for exLremely wealLhy people who were cllenLs of neL !eLs, a prlvaLe [eL company. 8ob had no
lnLeresL ln such Lhlngs, so he gave Lhe LlckeLs Lo my moLher. l was eager Lo go, because l loved aLLendlng
excluslve evenLs, lL made me feel speclal. lor mosL of Lhe Llme spenL aL Lhe concerL, l [usL walked around
aL aLe food aL Lhe buffeL Lables whlle everyone walLed for kaLy erry Lo perform. 1here was upbeaL
muslc playlng Lhe enLlre Llme, and a loL of wealLhy famllles wlLh Lhelr klds aLLended. Lvery famlly Lhere
musL have had a neL worLh of aL leasL LwenLy mllllon, Lo be able Lo hlre prlvaLe [eLs. l Lrled Lo preLend as
lf l was parL of a wealLhy famlly. l should be. 1haL was Lhe llfe l was meanL Lo llve. % 0PSTO =RA lf only
my damnable moLher had marrled lnLo wealLh lnsLead of belng selflsh. lf only my fallure of a faLher had
made beLLer declslons wlLh hls dlrecLlng career lnsLead wasLlng hls money on LhaL sLupld documenLary.
l couldn'L help buL feel a blLLer form of envy aL all of Lhe rlch klds aL Lhe concerL. 1hey grew up ln
lavlsh manslons, lndulged ln excesslve opulence, and wlll never have Lo worry abouL anyLhlng ln Lhelr
pleasurable, hedonlsLlc llves. % &7:2# -'B/ 54/'- *2/'(:4/ ," &'-8),"5 '22 71 -)7(/ 4,8) 1'@,2,/( 9:4" '2,3/.
Looklng aL all of Lhem really drllled ln my mlnd Lhe lmporLance of wealLh. WealLh ls one of Lhe mosL
lmporLanL deflnlng facLors of self-worLh and superlorlLy. l haLed and envled all of Lhose klds for belng
born lnLo wealLh, whlle l had Lo sLruggle Lo flnd a way Lo clalm wealLh for myself. l had Lo be ruLhless,
and do whaLever lL Lakes Lo aLLaln such wealLh. AfLer all, lL was my only hope of ever belng worLhy of
geLLlng a glrlfrlend and llvlng Lhe llfe of graLlflcaLlon LhaL l deslre.

1he red carpeL premlere of Lhe Punger Cames was an even more excluslve evenL. 1he reason we goL
ln was because my faLher was frlends wlLh Lhe dlrecLor, Cary 8oss. My faLher even conLrlbuLed Lo Lhe
fllm as a second unlL dlrecLor. Cary 8oss had been comlng over Lo faLher's house for dlnner qulLe
frequenLly ln Lhe pasL few monLhs. When he Lold me abouL Lhe Punger Cames, l had never heard abouL
lL before, so l declded Lo read Lhe books LhaL Lhe movle would be based on. lL was qulLe an en[oyable
sLory and l became a fan.
AL Lhe same Llme, my sLep moLher Soumaya was ln Lhe process of fllmlng a lrench reallLy 1.v. serles,
called Les vrales Pousewlves. Per sLaLus as a reallLy 1.v. sLar, coupled wlLh my faLher's lmporLanL
assoclaLlon wlLh Cary 8oss, enabled us all Lo aLLaln vl LlckeLs Lo Lhe red carpeL premlere, lncludlng
admlLLance Lo walk on Lhe red carpeL lLself, whlch was acLually a black carpeL, ln a llLeral sense.
l dldn'L own any sulLs, buL l wore my exLravaganL Pugo 8oss shlrL, whlch l LhoughL looked eleganL
enough Lo walk on Lhe black carpeL. As we were llnlng up for our walk on Lhe black carpeL, some dumb
blLch of a securlLy guard had Lhe audaclLy Lo quesLlon who Lhe hell are Lhese people". 1hls made me so
enraged LhaL l almosL sald we are people who are more lmporLanL Lhan you, you ugly cunL", buL
Soumaya's publlclsL calmly lnformed her of our lnvlLaLlon. We Lhen proceeded Lo walk across Lhe long
black carpeL as cameras flashed aL us from one slde, and a crowd of paLheLlc fans who remlnded me of
sheep cheered from Lhe oLher slde. l felL exLremely graLlfled aL walklng on Lhe black carpeL wlLh faLher
and Soumaya, and l cocklly smlled aL all of Lhe sLupld fans who had Lo remaln on Lhe slde, rubblng lL
rlghL ln Lhelr faces. 1here were some acLors and celebrlLles on Lhe carpeL wlLh us, and Lhe paparazzl
yelled aL me a few Llmes Lo geL ouL of Lhe way as Lhey were Laklng plcLures of some cunL acLress. l
dlscreeLly gave Lhose paparazzl plgs my mlddle flnger. LllloL 8odger wlll noL move aslde for a sLupld,
good-for-noLhlng, over-glorlfled acLress, whoever Lhe fuck she was. l dldn'L see.
We walked Lhrough all Lhe chaos unLll we flnally reached Lhe LheaLre where Lhe movle was belng
screened, called Lhe nokla 1heaLre. lL was one of Lhe blggesL LheaLres l had ever seen, able Lo see
hundreds of people. AL Lhe enLrance, faLher and l greeLed !ack 8oss, Lhe son of Cary 8oss. Pe was a
spolled braL of a slxLeen year old, and Lo my embarrassmenL he sLood Laller Lhan me. l lmmedlaLely
haLed hlm on slghL. Pe was llvlng Lhe llfe l should be llvlng, lf only my faLher had become as successful a
dlrecLor as Cary 8oss. l equally haLed hls repugnanL frlends, who ended up slLLlng ln fronL of me and
parLlally blocklng my vlew for Lhe enLlre movle. 1hroughouL Lhe whole fllm, l had Lo flghL Lhe urge noL Lo
splash my drlnk all over Lhe llLLle shlLheads ln a vehemenL rage. 1hey spolled lL for me, and lL was qulLe a
good movle Loo.
1he movle was enLerLalnlng, buL my favorlLe parL of Lhls premlere was Lhe afLer parLy. ?es, we were
lnvlLed Lo Lhe afLer parLy, where only Lhe mosL lmporLanL guesLs could aLLend. l felL so speclal as l
handed my vl LlckeLs Lo Lhe guards ouLslde, galnlng admlLLance. 1he parLy was exLravaganL, wlLh buffeL
Lables seL up ln every corner servlng exqulslLe dellcacles. l exclLedly wenL from plaLe Lo plaLe, helplng
myself Lo all of Lhe food. laLher and Soumaya wenL off Lo soclallze wlLh Cary 8oss and hls enLourage of
producers. l dldn'L know anyone Lhere, of course, so l [usL spenL Llme wlLh my slsLer Ceorgla.
A few momenLs lnLo Lhe parLy, l ran lnLo an old face. Pe noLlced me flrsL and called ouL my name,
saylng ls your name LllloL?" Pe was none oLher Lhan AshLon Molo from lnecresL Mlddle School! l
hadn'L seen hlm slnce 8
Lh
grade. Pe was now ln Lhe process of sLarLlng a career ln acLlng, and he had a
small parL ln Lhe movle. l acLually read abouL Lhls beforehand, buL l dldn'L expecL l would run lnLo hlm aL
Lhe afLer parLy. AshLon's slsLer, MoneLLe Molo was nowhere Lo be seen. l suppose Lhe blLch wasn'L
lnvlLed, hah. l remembered all of Lhe paln she caused me durlng my 8
Lh
grade year aL lnecresL. l Lrled Lo
acL as cool and confldenL as l posslbly could wlLh AshLon, Lhough l felL lnLlmldaLed. Pe was one of Lhe
mosL popular klds aL lnecresL, and now he was becomlng an acLor, one of Lhe mosL aLLracLlve careers a
man can have. l assumed he had probably slepL wlLh counLless beauLlful glrls. uamn hlm. l had a brlef
conversaLlon wlLh hlm before Lrylng Lo leave hls presence as fasL as l could. l dldn'L wanL hlm Lo flnd ouL
how paLheLlc my llfe was.
Whlle roamlng around Lhe afLer parLy, l bore wlLness Lo many successful young men who pranced ln
wlLh Lhelr hoL model glrlfrlends. Some of Lhem were even acLors my own age, sLars of Lhe movle. l had a
parLlcular burnlng haLred for Lhe acLor Alexander Ludwlg, who l saw slLLlng arroganLly on a couch as
people crowded around hlm ln adoraLlon. l haLed everyLhlng abouL hlm, hls golden blonde halr, hls Lall,
muscular frame, hls cocky, mascullne face. 1haL boy could geL any glrl he wanLed. Pls llfe was
compleLely opposlLe from my own. lf only l could geL a LasLe of how he llved for [usL one day. As l saw
all of Lhese successful young men wlLh Lhelr beauLlful daLes, l became even more convlnced abouL how
lmporLanL money and sLaLus was ln aLLalnlng a deslrable llfe of love and sex. lL made me even more
obsessed wlLh my goal of becomlng wealLhy aL a very young age. 1haL was Lhe 7"2+ way Lo llve llfe.
1he whole premlere, from Lhe red carpeL Lo Lhe fllm Lo Lhe afLer parLy, was an exLraordlnary
experlence, and l wlll never forgeL lL. l sLlll felL very blLLer LhaL l wasn'L able Lo brlng a glrl wlLh me as a
daLe. 1he ma[orlLy of men aL Lhe evenL had a daLe wlLh Lhem, and l felL so paLheLlc for noL havlng a daLe.
lf only a glrl aL my collage had been aLLracLed Lo me, l would have gladly broughL her Lo Lhe premlere as
my daLe.
When l reLurned Lo SanLa 8arbara, l reallzed LhaL l had absoluLely no obllgaLlons. Slnce l had dropped
all of my college classes, l had all Lhe Llme ln Lhe world. l wanLed Lo make use of LhaL Llme as much as l
could. lranLlcly, l Lrled Lo come up wlLh ways Lo flnd some sorL of ldea Lo make mllllons of dollars. Some
would say Lhls was folly, buL lL has been done before! Many people have succeeded ln comlng up wlLh
an ldea and maklng mllllons, or even bllllons, lnsLanLly. l was an exLraordlnary, magnlflcenL person
desLlned for greaL Lhlngs. lf oLher people could do lL, why noL me? lL was my desLlny, my whole purpose
on Lhls world.
lor Lhe nexL week or so, l spenL Llme medlLaLlng ln my room, Lrylng Lo come up wlLh ways Lo geL rlch.
l could elLher lnvenL someLhlng, sLarL a greaL buslness ldea, or go back Lo my orlglnal ldea l had of
wrlLlng an eplc fanLasy sLory LhaL could be made lnLo a movle. 1haL remlnded me of Lhe reason why l
gave up on LhaL ldea ln Lhe flrsL place. Lhe amounL of Llme lL would Lake Lo achleve success from such a
prospecL. l was so desperaLe and l needed Lo do (7@/-),"5 rlghL Lhere and Lhen. lL was a maLLer of llfe
and deaLh. lf l couldn'L make lL, Lhen l had noLhlng Lo llve for.
AfLer a loL of deep Lhlnklng, l couldn'L come up wlLh anyLhlng. 0'( % #77@/# -7 1',2 '- /3/4+-),"56 l
began Lo feel hopeless, unLll l saw Lhe currenL [ackpoL for Lhe Megemllllons LoLLery. lL was rlslng very
hlgh ln Lhe monLh of March. l had saved up a loL of money aL Lhe Llme, so l had enough Lo spare on
loLLery LlckeLs, so long as l dldn'L go under $3000 dollars, whlch l wanLed Lo keep as my mlnlmum
amounL of savlngs [usL ln case of an emergency, or ln case l would have Lo carry ouL Lhe uay of
8eLrlbuLlon. As lL so happened, l had well over $6000 saved up aL Lhe Llme, from all of Lhe allowance,
ChrlsLmas money, and blrLhday money LhaL my parenLs and grandmoLhers had been sendlng me. lor Lhe
flrsL Llme slnce movlng Lo SanLa 8arbara, l began Lo Lake a serlous lnLeresL ln playlng Lhe LoLLery agaln.
l belleved LhaL lL was desLlny for me Lo wln Lhe Megamllllons LoLLery, parLlcularly Lhls very [ackpoL.
eople wln Lhe loLLery every slngle monLh, so why noL me? l was meanL Lo llve a llfe of slgnlflcance and
exLravagance. l was meanL Lo wln Lhls [ackpoL. lL was desLlny. lor Lhe flrsL few drawlngs l played, l spenL
$30 Lo $100 on LlckeLs, buL Lo my profound frusLraLlon l sLlll dldn'L wln, and Lhe [ackpoL kepL rlslng. 1hls
only lncreased my enLhuslasm. l sLarLed Lo plcLure a whole new, perfecL llfe for myself afLer l won. l
lmaglned buylng a beauLlful, opulenL manslon wlLh an exLravaganL vlew, and acqulrlng a collecLlon of
supercars whlch l would use speclflcally Lo aLLracL beauLlful glrls lnLo my llfe. l planned Lo go back Lo
college once l had bolsLered myself wlLh all Lhls wealLh, and lord myself over all Lhe oLher sLudenLs
Lhere, flnally fulfllllng my dream of belng Lhe coolesL and mosL popular kld aL school. As l saL medlLaLlng
ln my room, l lmaglned Lhe ecsLasy l would feel as scores of beauLlful glrls look aL me wlLh admlraLlon as
l drlve up Lo college ln a Lamborghlnl. Such an experlence would make up for /3/4+-),"5. l )'# Lo wln
Lhls [ackpoL.
As Lhe [ackpoL reached over $200 Mllllon, l spenL more of my saved money on loLLery LlckeLs, buL l
sLlll dldn'L wln. l knew LhaL Lhe more l spenL on LlckeLs, Lhe hlgher chance l had of wlnnlng. l was so
desperaLe Lo llve a saLlsfylng llfe LhaL l spenL $400 dollars on LlckeLs when Lhe [ackpoL hlL $290 Mllllon.
When l falled Lo wln LhaL, l spenL $300 dollars on LlckeLs when lL reached $363 mllllon, and l sLlll dldn'L
wln lL on LhaL one. And Lhen Lhe [ackpoL reached a number LhaL l never lmaglned lL would. $636
Mllllon. l was asLounded and fllled wlLh a feverlsh enLhuslasm of hope and deslre. 1hls was Lhe hlghesL
loLLery [ackpoL ln hlsLory. l knew l was always desLlned for greaL Lhlngs. 1hls musL be lL! l was desLlned Lo
be Lhe wlnner of Lhe hlghesL loLLery [ackpoL ln exlsLence. l knew rlghL Lhen and Lhere LhaL Lhls [ackpoL
was meanL for me. Who else deserved such a vlcLory? l had been Lhrough so much re[ecLlon, sufferlng,
and ln[usLlce ln my llfe, and Lhls was Lo be my salvaLlon. WlLh my whole body fllled wlLh feverlsh hope, l
spenL $700 dollars on loLLery LlckeLs for Lhls drawlng. As l spenL Lhls money, l lmaglned all Lhe amazlng
sex l would have wlLh a beauLlful model glrlfrlend l would have once l become a man of wealLh.
AfLer Lhe ulLlmaLe and faLeful drawlng, l walLed Lhree days Lo check Lhe resulL. l was Loo anxlous
abouL whaL l wlll see. 1he resulL would deLermlne Lhe faLe of my whole llfe. lor Lhose Lhree days, l
medlLaLed alone ln my room, Lrylng Lo convlnce myself LhaL l was Lhe wlnner. l held all of Lhe LlckeLs ln
my hand, exclLedly ponderlng over whlch one was Lhe Lrue wlnnlng LlckeL. 1here were many Llmes
durlng Lhls perlod where l was abouL Lo check Lhe resulL, buL cancelled Lhe webpage ln Lhe lasL second
ouL of fear of whaL l mlghL see. 1he prospecL of flndlng ouL LhaL l losL was devasLaLlng. Cn Lhe fourLh
day, l declded Lo [usL go Lhrough wlLh lL. 1he resulL was already declded, and Lhe amounL of Llme lL Look
for me Lo check lL wouldn'L change anyLhlng. l had Lo see Lhe LruLh. My hearL was beaLlng rapldly as l
loaded up Lhe webpage Lo Lhe Megamllllons webslLe. WhaL l saw crushed all of my hope compleLely. My
whole body shlvered wlLh horrlflc agony. % #,#"K- &,". 1hree people won LhaL [ackpoL, and lL was spllL
beLween Lhem. 8uL none of Lhose Lhree people were me. l couldn'L belleve whaL l was seelng. l was
cerLaln l would be Lhe wlnner. lL was desLlny. faLe. 8uL no, Lhe world conLlnued Lo glve me no [usLlce or
salvaLlon whaLsoever.
l sank lnLo one of Lhe worsL depresslons of my llfe. lL was Sprlng 8reak, and whlle all oLher young
boys my age were golng off Lo vacaLlon wlLh Lhelr aLLracLlve frlends, l was feellng mlserable and alone ln
my room because l falled Lo wln Lhe loLLery [ackpoL LhaL would enable me Lo rlse above Lhem ALL! l was
so depressed LhaL even when my moLher came up Lo SanLa 8arbara wlLh my slsLer and her frlends for a
shorL day Lrlp, l refused Lo see Lhem.

lor Lhe nexL monLh, l barely lefL my room. l was compleLely and uLLerly aL Lhe end of all hope. <+ 2,1/
,( 73/4, l LhoughL. WlLhouL LhaL wealLh, whaL was Lhere Lo llve for ln Lhe fuLure? l sLlll couldn'L belleve l
dldn'L wln. l kepL Lhlnklng abouL Lhe heavenly llfe l would be llvlng lf l had won. l was cerLaln of my
vlcLory, rlghL aL Lhe momenL of Lhe drawlng. lnsLead, lL Lurned Lo a crushlng defeaL, [usL llke everyLhlng
else ln my llfe. LveryLhlng l had Lrled Lo do ln Lhe pasL, ever slnce chlldhood, had been a fallure. lL was
very hard Lo feel good abouL myself anymore. l spenL all of my Llme drlfLlng almlessly, dolng noLhlng
wlLh my Llme excepL broodlng over my faLe. l dldn'L wanL Lo Lhlnk abouL anyLhlng. l could barely breaLhe
from Lhe sLlfllng lonellness. All of my energy had been sapped ouL of me.

ln Lhe monLh of Aprll, !ames Lllls offlclally ended Lhe frlendshlp beLween us. !ames hadn'L conLacLed
me aL all slnce Lhe Lemelson's ChrlsLmas parLy, and l felL exLremely offended by Lhls. lor Lhe flrsL few
monLhs of 2012, l had been Lrylng Lo conLacL hlm, demandlng Lo know why he conLlnued Lo acL so cold
and dlsLanL Lo me. l LhoughL LhaL afLer we spoke wlLh each oLher aL Lhe Lemelson's, Lhlngs would geL
beLLer beLween us. l was dead wrong.
l goL hold of hlm on Lhe phone ln lebruary, and he sald a few words Lo me before qulckly maklng an
excuse Lo hang up. A monLh laLer l messaged hlm on lacebook Lo Lell hlm how rude he was on Lhe
phone, and ln Aprll l recelved a response from hlm. Pe blaLanLly sald he dldn'L wanL Lo be frlends
anymore. Pe dldn'L even delgn Lo Lell me why. AfLer he sald Lhe faLeful words, he refused Lo Lalk Lo me
ever agaln. 1haL was Lhe lasL Llme l ever spoke Lo hlm.
lL was Lhe ulLlmaLe beLrayal. l LhoughL he was Lhe one frlend l had ln Lhe whole world who Lruly
undersLood me, who Lruly undersLood my vlews and Lhe reasons why l LhoughL Lhe way l dld abouL Lhe
world. l conflded everyLhlng Lo hlm, because l LhoughL we were on Lhe same page. 1o be beLrayed ln
such a manner wounded me deeply, Lhough l never admlLLed lL Lo anyone.
Cn Lhe day of Lhe beLrayal, l LhoughL back on our enLlre frlendshlp. !ames Lllls was my oldesL frlend. l
remembered Lhe flrsL Llme l meL hlm, as we klcked dusL LogeLher as llrsL Craders aL 1opanga LlemenLary
school. l remembered all of Lhe good Llmes l spenL aL hls varlous houses ln Lhe allsades, Lradlng
okemon cards when we were llLLle, our brlef lnLeresL ln skaLeboardlng, playlng World of WarcrafL
LogeLher as Leenagers, all of our walks Lhrough Lhe allsades Lown cenLer. Pe was a blg parL of my llfe.
And now he was gone, faded away lnLo memory.
l dldn'L have any frlends lefL anymore. no frlends ln Lhe enLlre world. l dldn'L wanL Lo see hlllp and
Addlson afLer l crled ln fronL of Lhem aL Lhe CeLLy museum. l was compleLely and uLLerly alone, ln Lhe
darkesL plL of despalr. And ln LhaL plL l wlLhered ln agony.

My deep depresslon lasLed well lnLo Lhe summer. My llfe sLayed sLagnanL and mlserable, and my
haLred Lowards everyone, especlally women, for deprlvlng me of a happy llfe only grew sLronger. l
quesLloned myself over and over abouL whaL was golng Lo happen Lo me now. l dldn'L wanL lL Lo resorL
Lo havlng Lo exacL ulLlmaLe vengeance. l dldn'L wanL Lo dle. l wanLed someLhlng Lo llve for.
1here had Lo be a way for me Lo become wealLhy. l conLlnued Lo see lL was Lhe only way l would ever
have a beauLlful glrlfrlend and lose my vlrglnlLy. My ulLlmaLe dream was Lo experlence Lhe pleasures of
love and sex wlLh glrls once l become rlch enough Lo be worLhy of Lhem, and Lhen l would seLLle down
wlLh a beauLlful glrlfrlend and have beauLlful chlldren wlLh her, whom l would ralse up Lo llve a much
beLLer llfe Lhan Lhe one l've had Lo suffer Lhrough. 1haL would be Lhe mosL saLlsfylng vengeance agalnsL
all Lhose young people who LhoughL Lhey were beLLer Lhan me. lf l could show Lhem LhaL l llved such a
llfe, my purpose on Lhls world would be compleLe. 1o see Lhe look on all of Lhelr faces once l've rlsen
above Lhem. l couldn'L lmaglne anyLhlng sweeLer.

l so happened Lo come across a book called Lhe ower of ?our Subconsclous Mlnd, by !oseph
Murphy. 1hls book would flll me wlLh hope for Lhe nexL few monLhs. lL was very slmllar Lo 1he SecreL,
Lhe book l read over a year ago, and lL had Lhe same effecL on me. lL gave an even more ln-depLh vlew
on Lhe law of aLLracLlon. A year prevlously, l had glven up on bellevlng ln such a concepL, buL when l read
Lhrough Lhls book Lhoroughly, l desperaLely convlnced myself Lo glve lL a Lry. l &'"-/# Lo belleve Lhe
Lheory could work. l needed someLhlng Lo llve for.
l began Lo vlsuallze myself wlnnlng Lhe loLLery. l dld Lhls all LhroughouL Lhe monLh of !une. AfLer
conLlnuous analyzlng and conLemplaLlon, l concluded LhaL wlnnlng Lhe loLLery was Lhe 7"2+ way l could
become wealLhy aL a young age, and Lhus lL was Lhe only way Lo en[oy Lhe resL of my youLh. lf l dldn'L
have a saLlsfylng youLh, l would be blLLer and mlserable for Lhe resL of my llfe, buL of course LhaL would
never happen. lf lL came Lo LhaL, Lhen l would have Lo carry ouL Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon.
lndeed, lL was Lhe only way l could aLLaln any sorL of wealLh aL my age. l had no LalenLs, so lL was
lmposslble for me Lo become a professlonal acLor, muslclan, or aLhleLe, and Lhose were usually Lhe ways
LhaL young people acqulred such money. l could lnvenL someLhlng, or sLarL a buslness [usL llke Mark
Zuckerberg dld wlLh lacebook, buL Lhe chances of me achlevlng such a Lhlng were Lhe same chances l
had of wlnnlng Lhe loLLery anyway. l dldn'L even have Lhe skllls of a compuLer programmer.
AfLer readlng Lhls book, l wanLed Lo belleve LhaL Lhere was some sorL of supernaLural power LhaL l
could harness Lo change reallLy as l saw flL. lor Lhe monLhs of !une and !uly, l Look frequenL walks
around Clrsh ark ln ColeLa, dreamlng and vlsuallzlng abouL wlnnlng Lhe loLLery. l afflrmed LhaL once Lhe
[ackpoL rose Lo over $100 mllllon, l would buy a LlckeL and LhaL LlckeL would be Lhe wlnner. lor all of Lhe
monLhs of summer, people kepL wlnnlng Lhe loLLery, and Lhe [ackpoL kepL reseLLlng, buL l was so
desperaLe LhaL l sLlll clung Lo my falLh LhaL l would soon wln.

Cn one of Lhe days ln !uly, when l was roamlng around Clrsh ark, a group of popular college klds
arrlved Lo play klckball ln Lhe flelds. 1hey all looked llke Lyplcal fraLernlLy [ocks, Lall and muscular. 1he
klnd of guys l've haLed and envled all my llfe. WlLh Lhem came a flock of beauLlful blonde glrls, and Lhey
looked llke Lhey were havlng so much fun playlng LogeLher. Cne of Lhe glrls dld a handsLand ln Lhe grass,
and her sexy bare sLomach showed as her shlrL hung down. All of Lhe glrls were scanLlly clad. 8age
bolled lnslde me as l waLched Lhose people who LhoughL Lhey were beLLer Lhan me en[oylng Lhelr
pleasurable llLLle llves LogeLher. 1he rage was so lnLense LhaL l couldn'L Lake lL. l was lnsulLed Loo much. l
couldn'L leave Lhem wlLhouL geLLlng some form of revenge, so l drove Lo Lhe nearby k-marL, boughL a
super-soaker, fllled lL up wlLh orange [ulce LhaL l boughL aL Lhe same sLore, and drove back Lo Lhe park.
1hey were sLlll Lhere, havlng Lhe Llme of Lhelr llves, and l wanLed Lo ruln lL for Lhem. l wanLed Lo ruln
Lhelr fun [usL llke Lhey rulned mlne, as Lhey would never accepL me among Lhem. l screamed aL Lhem
wlLh rage as l sprayed Lhem wlLh my super soaker. When Lhe boys sLarLed Lo yell and chase afLer me, l
qulckly goL lnLo my car and drove away. l was glddy wlLh ecsLaLlc, haLe-fueled exclLemenL. l wlshed l
could spray bolllng oll aL Lhe foul beasLs. 1hey deserved Lo dle horrlble, palnful deaLhs [usL for Lhe crlme
of en[oylng a beLLer llfe Lhan me.
l drove Lo a secluded are of Lhe parklng loL aL Lhe Camlno 8eal MarkeLplace nearby, my hearL beaLlng
rapldly. AfLer l had calmed down, l was overcome wlLh Lhe worry and fear LhaL l would geL ln Lrouble for
lL. l wondered wlLh panlc lf Lhere were any cameras aL Lhe park LhaL could have caughL me ln Lhe acL.
1he worry lasLed for a few days, buL evenLually l became relleved LhaL no Lrouble came ouL of lL.

My moLher and slsLer came up Lo SanLa 8arbara for my 21
sL
8lrLhday. l dldn'L wanL Lhem Lo come up,
buL Lhey came anyway. l suppose my moLher felL sorry for me, LhaL l would be alone on my 21
sL
8lrLhday.
And lL's Lrue, l would have been alone. lsn'L LhaL such a sad Lhlng Lo conLemplaLe? 8elng alone on my
21
sL
8lrLhday. MosL oLher men have huge drlnklng parLles wlLh Lhelr frlends and glrlfrlends Lo mark Lhelr
passlng over Lhe legal age llmlL Lo drlnk alcohol. l've read sLorles onllne of how exclLlng oLher men's 21
sL
blrLhdays are. l had absoluLely no one Lo celebraLe mlne wlLh. Pavlng no frlends, Lhe only people who
even wlshed me a happy blrLhday were my lmmedlaLe famlly members.
When my moLher and slsLer arrlved ln SanLa 8arbara, Lhey wanLed Lo meeL up aL a resLauranL ln SLaLe
SLreeL, buL LhaL prospecL horrlfled me. SLaLe SLreeL was fllled wlLh young couples walklng around arm ln
arm as Lhey wenL ouL on Lhelr bllssful daLes. l was already LorLured aL Lhe facL LhaL l was now a 21-year-
old vlrgln. l dldn'L wanL Lo LorLure myself anymore. l looked onllne for a quleLer resLauranL LhaL we could
meeL aL, a place where young couples mosL llkely wouldn'L know abouL. l came across a secluded
!apanese resLauranL ln MonLeclLo named Sakana. l suggesLed Lhls Lo moLher, and slnce lL was my
blrLhday, she gave me Lhe cholce of where Lo eaL.
l meL Lhe Lwo of Lhem ouLslde Lhe resLauranL as Lhey were walLlng Lo be seaLed. l was ln a sullen and
depressed mood. 1urnlng 21 as a klssless vlrgln was lndeed a dark day. Pow paLheLlc lL was, Lo be 21 and
sLlll a vlrgln whlle klds were havlng sex aL Lhe age of 14? 1he unfalrness of llfe on Lhls world ls
sLaggerlngly horrlflc!
1he resLauranL Sakana Lurned ouL Lo be a very good cholce. 1hey served Lhe mosL dellclous !apanese
food l had ever LasLed ln my llfe. 1hey had so many creaLlve dlshes Lo Lry, and l ordered so many meals
LhaL Lhe blll reached over $200. l eagerly devoured all of lL, compensaLlng for my sorrows wlLh
delecLable food. My moLher loved Lhe resLauranL as well. She had been Lo all of Lhe besL !apanese
resLauranLs ln L.A. wlLh her varlous wealLhy boyfrlends, and she proclalmed LhaL Sakana Lopped all of
Lhem. lrom Lhls polnL onwards, lL would become a LradlLlon for us Lo eaL here whenever my moLher
came up Lo vlslL me.
AfLer dlnner, we wenL Lo Lhe SLarbucks ln MonLeclLo, and l washed Lhe exqulslLe meal down wlLh a
nlce warm laLLe. l never explored much of MonLeclLo before, and l found lL Lo be a lovely, beauLlful
place. lL remlnded me of Calabasas, Lhough much quleLer and more conservaLlve. l flgured l would be
spendlng a loL more Llme Lhere ln Lhe fuLure.

AM G);-' <.*

ln AugusL, l conLlnued Lo bulld up my falLh LhaL l am desLlned Lo wln Lhe Megamllllons [ackpoL. lL ls
Lhe fuLure LhaL was meanL for me, Lhe perfecL, happy concluslon Lo Lhe Lraglc llfe l've had Lo experlence
ln Lhe pasL. l couldn'L walL Lo rub my sLaLus as a wealLhy man rlghL ln Lhe faces of all Lhe people who
looked down on me, and all of Lhe glrls who LhoughL of me as unworLhy. l mused LhaL once l become
wealLhy, l would flnally be worLhy enough Lo all of Lhe beauLlful glrls.
l spenL Lhe whole monLh medlLaLlng ln my room or roamlng around Lhe park, vlsuallzlng Lhe flnal
ouLcome of my vlcLory. 1hrough Lhe power of Lhe law of aLLracLlon, whlch l had sLudled so lnLensely wlLh
Lhe new book l found, l felL cerLaln LhaL l would become Lhe wlnner. l looked forward Lo lL wlLh profound
eagerness.
1hls was also Lhe lasL monLh l had aL Lhe aparLmenL unlL l was sLaylng ln. l was seL Lo Lransfer Lo a
room ln Lhe maln complex of Caprl AparLmenLs for Lhe nexL school year. 1he confllcL beLween Spencer
and l had calmed down over Lhe summer. Pe broughL a few glrls Lo hls aparLmenL, buL Lhey were all
ugly, so l Lrled noL Lo geL [ealous. l sLlll haLed hlm for Lhe facL LhaL he was able Lo wlLness how lonely and
mlserable my llfe was. l had spenL an enLlre year ln lsla vlsLa, SanLa 8arbara, and l had noL had a slngle
glrl lnLo my aparLmenL. 1he pure rage and haLred l felL over LhaL facL was enough, buL Lo have someone
llke Spencer ln my vlclnlLy Lo [udge me on lL was salL on Lhe wound. l made plans Lo Lrack Spencer down
once l become wealLhy and arroganLly show off my new llfe Lo hlm. 1haL would be Lhe only way Lo geL
even. l wanLed Lo show Lo Spencer, Lo show Lo Lhe whole WC8Lu, LhaL l had worLh.
l dldn'L Lhlnk much abouL my lmmlnenL move Lo a new room, nor dld l Lhlnk much abouL who my new
housemaLes would be. l flrmly belleved LhaL l would wln Lhe loLLery before Lhen. l would Lhen go back Lo
my moLher's house, show her my LlckeL, and buy a manslon of my own Lo begln a new llfe of heavenly
bllss. Cne could say LhaL l was belng deluslonal, buL my desperaLlon for happlness was so lnLense LhaL l
&'"-/# Lo belleve LhaL Lhls was Lrue. l wanLed Lo belleve LhaL l had Lhe QP0R; Lo lnvoke Lhls lnLo my
reallLy. l have craved power and slgnlflcance all my llfe, and l wlll sLop aL noLhlng Lo flnd ways of
aLLalnlng lL.

8efore l knew lL, my lease aL my currenL room ended, and on SepLember 3
Lh
, l Lransferred Lo Lhe new
room. Spencer and l dldn'L delgn Lo say goodbye Lo each oLher, we desplsed each oLher LhaL much. l
knew l would see hlm agaln, when l Lrack hlm down Lo show off my wealLh LhaL l flrmly belleved l would
aLLaln.
l found ouL LhaL my new aparLmenL ln Lhe maln complex of Caprl was Lhe same exacL aparLmenL unlL
LhaL l sLayed ln for Lhe flrsL monLh l had ln SanLa 8arbara: aparLmenL #7 on Sevllle SLreeL. When l moved
all of my belonglngs ln, lL was all empLy. 1he manager Lold me LhaL Lwo housemaLes would be movlng
lnLo Lhe second bedroom wlLhln Lwo weeks hence. l LrusLed LhaL Lhe manager had Lhe sense Lo palr me
wlLh maLure people, knowlng my experlences wlLh Lhose Lwo barbarlc housemaLes l had Lo deal wlLh a
year prevlously.

8y Lhe Llme l moved ln, Lhe [ackpoL had flnally rlsen over $100 mllllon. 1hls was Lhe momenL of LruLh.
l had been walLlng all summer for Lhls Lo happen. Cvercome wlLh LrepldaLlon, l spenL Lhe nexL week ln
my new room, medlLaLlng and vlsuallzlng wlnnlng Lhe loLLery very soon. l could feel Lhe exclLemenL l
would feel once l see Lhe slx numbers on my LlckeL maLch Lhe numbers LhaL would be drawn. l lmaglned
myself [umplng up and down wlLh [oy once my vlcLory was conflrmed.
Cn SepLember 11
Lh
, Lhe drawlng for a [ackpoL worLh $120 mllllon commenced. l boughL a flve dollar
LlckeL and proclalmed LhaL Lhls had Lo be mlne. When l saw LhaL Lhe wlnner was from Callfornla, my
hearL beaL llke a drum. 1hls was lL. laLe was belng declded rlghL aL LhaL momenL.
% #,#"K- &,". l looked aL my LlckeL over and over agaln, and Lhen aL Lhe wlnnlng numbers. L7 @'-8). lL
was [usL llke whaL happened ln March, excepL Lhls was worse because l had bullL up anLlclpaLlon for Lhe
enLlre summer. 1he wlnner was some guy from 8lverslde. Pe Look M? money. WhaL a wasLe. WhaL an
ln[usLlce. l was so cerLaln LhaL Lhe unlverse would flnally granL me salvaLlon afLer a llfe of LorLure and
sufferlng. l Lhen looked aL my small, cramped room and reallzed LhaL my lonely, depresslng llfe of
vlrglnlLy wlll conLlnue on mercllessly.
1haL nlghL, l Lhrew a wlld LanLrum, screamlng and crylng for hours on end. l had Lhe whole aparLmenL
Lo myself, so Lhere was no one Lhere Lo hear me. l raged aL Lhe enLlre world, Lhrashlng aL my bed wlLh
my wooden pracLlce sword and slashlng aL Lhe alr wlLh my pockeL knlfe. l even downed an enLlre boLLle
of wlne, and goL so drunk LhaL l spllled my wlne all over my lapLop, permanenLly desLroylng lL. l soaked
my plllow wlLh Lears as l drlfLed off Lo sleep ln my lonely bed.

Cn Lhe nexL mornlng, l felL so dralned and depressed. l Lhen reallzed LhaL l desLroyed my lapLop, so l
called my moLher, begglng her Lo buy me a new one. l made up Lhe sLory LhaL Lhe lapLop randomly dled
and l had no conLrol over lL. AfLer some persuadlng, l managed Lo make her agree Lo buy me a new one.
l qulckly drove Lo 8esL 8uy Lo look for a new lapLop, and declded Lo choose a newer, updaLed verslon
of Lhe Asus lapLop l had prevlously. As lL Lurned ouL, Lhe 8esL 8uy ln SanLa 8arbara dldn'L have one ln
sLock, so l had Lo drlve all Lhe way Lo Cxnard Lo plck one up. l pald Lhe $1300 dollars for lL, wlLh Lhe
assurance LhaL my moLher wlll drlve up Lo brlng me a relmbursemenL ln a few days.
l had Lo walL a few hours for Lhem Lo prepare Lhe lapLop for me, and whlle l walLed l declded Lo go Lo
Lhe shooLlng range ln Cxnard. l had Lhe knowledge, ln Lhe back of my mlnd, LhaL Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon
was very posslble now. Colng Lo Lhe shooLlng range whlle l walLed for my lapLop gave me Lhe perfecL
opporLunlLy Lo galn some lnlLlal Lralnlng ln shooLlng guns, whlch wlll be Lhe maln weapons l use as
vengeance agalnsL my enemles when Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon ulLlmaLely comes Lo pass. l walked lnLo Lhe
range, renLed a handgun from Lhe ugly old redneck cashler, and sLarLed Lo pracLlce shooLlng aL paper
LargeLs. As l flred my flrsL few rounds, l felL so slck Lo Lhe sLomach. l quesLloned my whole llfe, and l
looked aL Lhe gun ln fronL of me and asked myself 0)'- '@ % #7,"5 )/4/6 >7& 87:2# -),"5( )'3/ 2/# -7
-),(6" l couldn'L belleve my llfe was acLually Lurnlng ouL Lhls way. 1here l was, pracLlclng shooLlng wlLh
real guns because l had a plan Lo carry ouL a massacre. 0)+ #,# -),"5( )'3/ -7 9/ -),( &'+C l sllenLly
quesLloned myself as l looked aL Lhe handgun l was holdlng ln fronL of me. l pald my fee and lefL Lhe
range wlLhln mlnuLes, feellng as lf l was golng Lo be slck. l spenL Lhe resL of Lhe walLlng perlod aL Lhe
Coffee 8ean ln Cxnard, where l saL by myself feellng absoluLely dlsgusLed. My whole world was LwlsLed.

WlLhln Lhe followlng days, l spenL a loL of Llme aL Lhe park, waLchlng Lhe wlnd blow Lhrough Lhe Lrees
and Lhe chlldren playlng ln Lhe flelds. l quesLloned Lhe very fabrlc of reallLy. 0)+ #,# -),( '22 /F,(-6 l
wondered. >7& #,# 2,1/ 87@/ -7 9/6 0)'- &'( -)/ "'-:4/ 71 4/'2,-+6 0)'- &'( @+ *2'8/ ," '22 71 ,-6
1here was no polnL Lo my llfe anymore. l was never golng Lo lose my vlrglnlLy. l was never golng Lo geL a
glrlfrlend. 8ecause glrls are repulsed by me, l was never golng Lo have chlldren and pass on my genes.
1he only way LhaL l could have been worLhy enough Lo beauLlful glrls ls lf l become wealLhy aL a young
age, and Lhe falLh l had ln LhaL happened had [usL been crushed. 1here was no hope lefL.
1he llfe l could have had ceased Lo exlsL. l wlll never have sex, never have love, never have chlldren. l
wlll never be a creaLor, buL l could be a desLroyer. Llfe had been cruel Lo me. 1he human specles had
re[ecLed me all my llfe, desplLe Lhe facL LhaL l am Lhe ldeal, magnlflcenL genLleman. Llfe lLself ls LwlsLed
and dlsgusLlng, l mused. Pumans are bruLal anlmals. lf l cannoL Lhrlve among Lhem, Lhen l wlll desLroy
Lhem all. l dldn'L wanL Lhlngs Lo Lurn ouL Lhls way. l wanLed a happy, healLhy llfe of love and sex. 8uL lf
l'm unable Lo have such a llfe, Lhen l wlll have no cholce buL Lo exacL revenge on Lhe socleLy LhaL denled
lL Lo me.

My new housemaLes moved lnLo Lhe oLher room of my aparLmenL aL Lhe end of SepLember. 1hey
dldn'L know each oLher before Lhey moved ln, whlch was beLLer for me because Lhen Lhey wouldn'L
gang up on me. noL llke Lhey would do such a Lhlng anyway, slnce my Lwo new housemaLes were boLh
Llmld, geeky Lypes. Cne of Lhem was a funny-looklng curly halred boy named Chrls 8ugg, and Lhe oLher
was an Aslan Amerlcan named !on. AfLer Lhe flrsL few days of Lhelr sLay, l felL conLenL wlLh Lhese new
housemaLes. 1hey were quleL, respecLful, and very frlendly. And besL of all, Lhey never lnvlLed any
frlends over. l doubL Lhey even had any frlends. All Lhey dld was sLay ln Lhelr room and played vldeo
games all day. Cf course, l had no deslre Lo be frlends wlLh Lhem, because Lhey had absoluLely noLhlng
Lo offer, buL l knew l would have no problems wlLh Lhem ln my aparLmenL, and LhaL was Lhe besL l could
hope for.

Cn Palloween weekend, l made Lhe wlse declslon Lo go home Lo my moLher's house. 1here was no
way l was golng Lo LorLure myself by sLaylng alone ln my room whlle Lhe enLlre Lown of lsla vlsLa erupLed
ln raucous debauchery. All of Lhe Lall, hunky [ocks LhaL glrls love so much wlll be havlng all of Lhe sex and
all of Lhe fun, whlle an unwanLed ouLcasL llke myself would roL ln lonellness. l lmaglned LhaL some
aLLracLlve guys who only vlslLed lsla vlsLa for Lhe Palloween evenL wlll be geLLlng lald LhaL weekend.
1hey'd be geLLlng sex from [usL one nlghL ln lsla vlsLa, whlle l'm sLlll a vlrgln afLer llvlng Lhere for over a
year. lL was Loo unfalr. l wanLed Lo punlsh Lhem all. l lmaglned how sweeL lL would be Lo slaughLer all of
Lhose evll, sluLLy blLches who re[ecLed me, along wlLh Lhe fraLernlLy [ocks Lhey Lhrow Lhemselves aL. 1o
see Lhem all runnlng from me ln fear as l klll Lhem lefL and rlghL, LhaL would be Lhe ulLlmaLe reLrlbuLlon.
Cnly Lhen would l have all Lhe power. 1hey LreaLed me llke an lnslgnlflcanL llLLle mouse, buL on Lhe uay
of 8eLrlbuLlon, l would be a Cod Lo Lhem. 1hey wlll be Lhe mlce, and l wlll be Lhe predaLor. l consldered
seLLlng Lhe daLe for Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon Lo be Lhe nexL Palloween of 2013. 1haL would glve me a year
Lo prepare, buL l soon dlsmlssed lL. lf Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon were Lo happen, lL would have Lo be on a
normal weekend. 1here would be Loo many cops walklng around durlng an evenL llke Palloween, and
cops are Lhe only ones who could hlnder my plans.
l spenL Lhe Llme aL moLher's house relaxlng and Lrylng Lo forgeL abouL Palloween. l drank some of my
moLher's dellclous wlne unLll l was Loo buzzed Lo Lhlnk abouL how much fun everyone else my age was
havlng on LhaL nlghL.

l dldn'L even boLher Lo reglsLer for college classes LhaL semesLer. 1here was no polnL. l belleved LhaL l
would elLher fulflll my dream of becomlng wealLhy aL a young age ln order Lo be worLhy enough Lo
aLLracL beauLlful women, or exacL my revenge upon Lhe world and dle ln Lhe process Lo escape
punlshmenL. 1here was no oLher paLh for me.
Cf course, l reglsLered" for some classes, buL only Lo keep up Lhe preLense Lo my parenLs LhaL l was
sLlll aLLendlng college. lf Lhey somehow found ouL LhaL l had dropped my classes rlghL afLer reglsLerlng
for Lhem, Lhey would have sLopped all of Lhelr supporL for me, and my llfe would have Lo end rlghL Lhen
and Lhere. 1hankfully, l was a good llar.
uurlng Lhe AuLumn of 2012, l had all Lhe Llme ln Lhe world Lo flgure ouL how l was golng Lo Lrlumph
agalnsL Lhe socleLy LhaL was LorLurlng me. l spenL a loL of Llme aL Lhe llbrary ln ColeLa, [usL a few mlles
away from lsla vlsLa. AL Lhe llbrary, l read counLless books on hlsLory, buslness, and phllosophy, learnlng
as much as l could. lL was beLLer Lhan sLaylng aL home ln my room. 8esldes, l dldn'L wanL my
housemaLes Lo flnd ouL LhaL l wasn'L golng Lo college. 1haL would be embarrasslng, and l always cared
abouL whaL oLhers LhoughL abouL me, even my nerdy housemaLes.
l conLlnued Lo vlslL Lhe webslLe of Lhe Megamllllons loLLery. l sLlll clung Lo Lhe hope LhaL lL may rlse
above $100 mllllon agaln and l would be Lhe wlnner. So far, l saw LhaL as my only way ouL of my horrlble
slLuaLlon.

My slLuaLlon was lndeed horrlble. l couldn'L leave Lhe house wlLhouL seelng a young couple walklng
around somewhere. Lverywhere l wenL, l was all by myself, whlle oLher young people had frlends and
glrlfrlends. l was ashamed Lo show myself Lo Lhe world. Lven Lhough l wore expenslve deslgner cloLhes,
whaL was Lhe polnL lf glrl's sLlll weren'L aLLracLed Lo me? no one respecLs a man who ls unable Lo geL a
woman. A man wearlng shorLs and a 1-shlrL would be seen as superlor Lo me lf he walks lnLo a sLore
wlLh a beauLlful glrl on hls arm and l walk ln all alone. A man havlng a beauLlful glrl by hls slde shows Lhe
world LhaL he ls worLh someLhlng, because obvlously LhaL beauLlful glrl sees some sorL of worLh ln hlm. lf
a man ls all alone, people geL Lhe lmpresslon LhaL glrls are repulsed by hlm, and Lherefore he ls a
worLhless loser.

l saw wlnnlng Lhe loLLery as Lhe only way ouL, and l became so frusLraLed when Lhe Megamllllons
[ackpoL kepL reseLLlng. ln Lhe end of november, Lhe [ackpoL was very close Lo geLLlng hlgh enough, buL
Lhen lL sank Lo Lhe boLLom once agaln. lL was aL Lhls polnL LhaL l learned abouL Lhe owerball loLLery. 1he
owerball hadn'L yeL come Lo Callfornla, so l knew noLhlng abouL lL before. l looked aL Lhe webslLe and
saw LhaL Lhe [ackpoL was over $300 mllllon!
Callfornla dldn'L have a owerball loLLery, so ln order Lo buy a LlckeL, l would have Lo drlve all Lhe way Lo
Arlzona.
Larller ln LhaL day, as l drove Lhrough lsla vlsLa, l saw Lhls one parLlcular young couple LhaL sLood ouL
from Lhe resL only because Lhe glrl looked absoluLely perfecL. She was Lall, blonde, and sexy. She would
have Lowered over me ln helghL, and her boyfrlend of course Lowered over her. 1hey were boLh wearlng
beach gear, and Lhe glrl was ln her blklnl, showlng off Lo everyone her sensual, erecLlon-causlng body.
Per blonde halr was weL from swlmmlng ln Lhe ocean, and lL only made her look more arouslng. 1he Lwo
of Lhem were holdlng hands, and lL was clear LhaL Lhey were ln love. l saw Lhe boyfrlend place hls hand
on Lhe glrl's ass, and when he dld Lhls Lhe glrl looked aL hlm and smlled wlLh dellghL. 1haL guy was ln
heaven. l can only lmaglne how amazlng lL musL be Lo have sex wlLh a glrl llke LhaL. l had Lo wlLness
everyLhlng l wanLed buL could noL have. lL made me feel dlzzy wlLh angulsh.
l lmmedlaLely LhoughL abouL LhaL couple, and how lmposslble lL was for me Lo have Lhe same
experlence as LhaL guy. lmposslble, as l was aL LhaL polnL. 8uL lL would be posslble for me Lo geL a Lall,
blonde, sexy glrlfrlend lf l was a mulLl-mllllonalre! Ch yes, lL would be very posslble. 8ecomlng a mulLl-
mllllonalre ls Lhe CnL? way l could have such an experlence, and wlnnlng Lhe loLLery was Lhe CnL? way l
could become a mulLl-mllllonalre aL my age. As l sLared aL Lhe owerball [ackpoL LhaL was over $300
mllllon, l knew LhaL l >!O Lo wln lL.
lL was mldnlghL when l had Lhls revelaLlon, and Lhe drawlng was on Lhe followlng day. 1he only way l
could geL a LlckeL before Lhe drawlng was lf l lefL for Arlzona rlghL Lhen and Lhere. And so LhaL ls exacLly
whaL l dld. l qulckly looked up Lhe besL rouLe on Coogle Maps, packed some food lnLo my backpack, and
Look off.
1he sun rose as l crossed Lhe long sLreLch of deserL ln beLween alm Sprlngs and Lhe border of
Arlzona. lL was one of Lhe mosL beauLlful Lhlngs l had ever seen. When l saw Lhe sun creeplng up before
me ln Lhe horlzon, lgnlLlng Lhe clouds wlLh lLs orange glow, l proclalmed LhaL sunrlse as Lhe sunrlse of my
desLlny. l was rldlng Lowards my desLlny, Lo obLaln Lhe record-breaklng owerball LlckeL of $300 mllllon!
As l drove, l LhoughL abouL every evenL ln my llfe LhaL led up Lo LhaL [ourney. l consldered LhaL
[ourney as Lhe ulLlmaLe culmlnaLlon of Lhe Lraglc sufferlng and sexual sLarvaLlon l had Lo go Lhrough for
so long. 1haL owerball [ackpoL was meanL for me. Cnce l won lL, l'd be able Lo have my beauLlful
blonde glrlfrlend, l'd be able Lo show Lhe world LhaL glrls conslder me worLhy, l'd be able Lo show Lhe
world how superlor l am. And of course, l would be able Lo llve above everyone who has wronged me,
and rub lL all ln Lhelr faces as a form of graLlfylng vengeance. 1haL was my ulLlmaLe purpose ln llfe, my
reason for llvlng.

% #,#"K- &,". lL was almosL Lhe same scenarlo LhaL l suffered Lhrough ln March, excepL Lhls one was
Lwlce as devasLaLlng. When l flnally arrlved home from Lhe long Lrlp, l lmmedlaLely wenL Lo bed afLer noL
sleeplng for so long. lL was very dlfflculL Lo sLay awake on Lhe road, buL l managed Lo do lL due Lo Lhe
severe lmporLance of Lhe [ourney. 1he owerball drawlng occurred whlle l slepL, and my lasL LhoughL
before drlfLlng off Lo sleep was LhaL when l woke up, l would be a mulLl-mllllonalre, and my llfe would be
saved. l slepL for a very long Llme, and when l awakened lL was already Lhe mornlng afLer Lhe drawlng. l
was overcome wlLh anxleLy. l was so confldenL and cerLaln LhaL l would wln before Lhe drawlng
occurred, buL once LhaL polnL ln Llme had passed, l feared Lhe resulL. l feared LhaL l mlghL noL have won.
l spenL Lhe nexL Lhree days ln my room, Lrylng Lo garner enough courage Lo check Lhe wlnnlng numbers
LhaL would deLermlne my faLe. AfLer reallzlng how much Llme l was wasLlng, l vlslLed Lhe owerball
webslLe Lo see Lhe resulL. AL Lhe very flrsL second of vlewlng Lhe webpage, l caughL a brlef gllmpse of lL
before closlng lL ouL of fear and panlc. ln LhaL brlef gllmpse, l saw LhaL Lhere were Lhree wlnnlng LlckeLs,
and one of Lhem was ln Arlzona! My hearL sLarLed beaLlng rapldly. H)'- )'# -7 9/ @/A l LhoughL, wlLh
hope and exclLemenL welllng up lnslde my whole body.
1here was an Arlzona wlnner, and l had boughL my LlckeL ln Arlzona. AfLer LhaL long, emoLlonal
[ourney, drlvlng Loward Lhe sunrlse ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe deserL, flghLlng off sleep [usL Lo geL Lhere ln
Llme, vlsuallzlng my whole fuLure before me, wlLh a beauLlful blonde glrlfrlend and Lhe chlldren l would
have wlLh her. AfLer all LhaL, who else could Lhe wlnner be buL me? lL was meanL for me. lL was faLe,
desLlny. l Look ouL my LlckeLs, of whlch l had purchased flfLy, and slfLed Lhrough Lhem Lo flnd Lhe one
LhaL maLched Lhe wlnnlng numbers. l felL dlzzy and ecsLaLlc as l dld lL, feellng so cerLaln LhaL my vlcLory
wlll be conflrmed. When l reached Lhe end of my sLack of LlckeLs, l dldn'L flnd any LhaL maLched. lor Lhe
flrsL few momenLs, l couldn'L even belleve whaL was happenlng. l looked Lhrough all of my LlckeLs agaln
and agaln and agaln, and sLlll, noLhlng. % #,#"K- &,".
l saL very quleL and sLlll ln my desk chalr for a long Llme, all of Lhe emoLlon swepL ouL of me. l dldn'L
reacL wlLh rage or angulsh. l [usL saL Lhere, cold and dead, menLally Lrylng Lo conLemplaLe whaL l had [usL
done. l had drlven all Lhe way Lo Arlzona [usL Lo buy loLLery LlckeLs, because l was so desperaLe for a
happy llfe ln whlch glrls would be aLLracLed Lo me, l was so cerLaln l would wln, bulldlng up all LhaL hope,
only Lo have lL shaLLered rlghL before me aL [usL LhaL momenL.
l Lhen drove ouL of my aparLmenL and made my way Lo Lhe Clrsh ark. l had Lo be somewhere
peaceful. Along Lhe way, l saw couples sLrolllng along Lhe sLreeLs of lsla vlsLa, walklng arm ln arm, l saw
groups of good looklng young people walklng LogeLher, laughlng and en[oylng each oLher's company. l
felL compleLely dead lnslde, and LormenL racked my enLlre body, as l reallzed LhaL l now had no chance
Lo rlse above Lhem. l losL.
When l goL Lo Lhe park l saL ln my car for hours, crylng and crylng and crylng. l walled wlLh agony. My
Lears sLreamed down my face and sLalned my collar. l couldn'L Lake lL anymore. leellng Lhe need Lo Lalk
Lo someone, l called Lhe only people l had ln my llfe: My parenLs. l called Lhem boLh, flrsL my moLher and
Lhen my faLher, and l Lold Lhem boLh how much l was sufferlng from my lonellness, and my uLLer
reallzaLlon LhaL l had no hope of ever havlng a happy llfe. l Lold Lhem LhaL Lhey musL be ashamed of me,
LhaL l was a 21 year old vlrgln who ls unable Lo geL a glrlfrlend or maklng any frlends whaLsoever. l was
noL Lhe son any parenL would wanL. My LanLrum Lo my parenLs on Lhe phone deeply dlsLurbed Lhem,
and Lhey arranged for me Lo see my psychlaLrlsL, ur. Charles Sophy, when l reLurn home for Lhe wlnLer
break.

As Lhe phrase LhaL l had colned goes: lf l cannoL [oln Lhem, l wlll rlse above Lhem, and lf l cannoL rlse
above Lhem, l wlll desLroy Lhem. l've been Lrylng Lo [oln and be accepLed among Lhe beauLlful, popular
people all my llfe, buL lL was Lo no avall. 1hey have always LreaLed me llke scum. Clrls have always
deemed me unworLhy of Lhelr love and sex. l Lrled Lo overLhrow Lhem by galnlng wealLh aL a young age,
from Lrylng Lo come up wlLh lnvenLlon ldeas, Lo conLemplaLlng wrlLlng an eplc sLory, and flnally Lo Lrylng
Lo wln Lhe loLLery. AL Lhls polnL, Lhe prospecL of overLhrowlng Lhem seemed hopeless. 1he flnal soluLlon
Lo Lrlumph over my enemles was Lo desLroy Lhem, Lo carry ouL my uay of 8eLrlbuLlon, Lo exacL my
ulLlmaLe and devasLaLlng vengeance agalnsL all of Lhe popular young people who never accepLed me,
and agalnsL all women for re[ecLlng me and sLarvlng me of love and sex.
AL Lhls polnL, lL fully dawned on me LhaL Lhe posslblllLy of havlng Lo resorL Lo exacLlng Lhls 8eLrlbuLlon
was more real Lhan ever before. WlLhouL Lhe prospecL of becomlng wealLhy aL a young age, l had
noLhlng Lo llve for now. l was golng Lo be a vlrgln ouLcasL forever. l reallzed LhaL l had Lo sLarL plannlng
and preparlng for Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon, even Lhough l hadn'L yeL had any ldea of whaL day LhaL would
be.
My flrsL acL of preparaLlon was Lhe purchase my flrsL handgun. l dld Lhls qulckly and hasLlly, aL a local
gun shop called ColeLa Cun and Supply. l had already done some research on handguns, and l declded
Lo purchase Lhe Clock 34 semlauLomaLlc plsLol, an efflclenL and hlghly accuraLe weapon. l slgned all of
Lhe papers and was Lold LhaL my plckup day was ln mld-uecember. 1haL fell ln nlcely, because LhaL was
when l was plannlng on sLaylng ln SanLa 8arbara Llll. AfLer l plcked up Lhe handgun, l broughL lL back Lo
my room and felL a new sense of power. l was now armed. 0)7K( -)/ '2*)' @'2/ "7&C 9,-8)/(6 l
LhoughL Lo myself, regardlng all of Lhe glrls who've looked down on me ln Lhe pasL. l qulckly admlred my
new weapon before locklng lL up ln my safe and preparlng Lo go back Lo my homeLown for Lhe wlnLer
break.

l dldn'L aLLend Lhe Lemelson's ChrlsLmas parLy LhaL year, nor would l ever agaln. 1he only person l
ever really hung ouL wlLh aL Lhose parLles was !ames, and !ames was no longer my frlend. lL would have
been exLremely awkward Lo be Lhere whlle !ames ls Lhere, knowlng LhaL Lhe Lwo of us, who used Lo be
old frlends slnce flrsL grade, would be avoldlng each oLher. lL would be a foul and blLLer experlence, and
l had already gone Lhrough enough angulsh ln Lhe lasL few monLhs.

A few days before ChrlsLmas, l Look off wlLh my moLher and slsLer for anoLher vacaLlon ln Lngland.
She had called me a monLh prevlously Lo Lell me abouL lL. AL flrsL, l dldn'L wanL Lo go, knowlng LhaL l wlll
feel mlserable abouL golng on a vacaLlon wlLhouL a glrlfrlend Lo experlence lL wlLh me, along wlLh Lhe
shame of havlng Lo once agaln appear Lo my relaLlves ln a fashlon LhaL l was unsaLlsfled wlLh. A year had
passed slnce Lhe lasL Lrlp, and l was ln exacLly Lhe same poslLlon ln llfe. l had noLhlng for my
grandmoLhers Lo be proud of. no glrlfrlend, no fuLure prospecLs, no 2,1/ aL all Lo Lalk abouL.
1he one Lhlng LhaL persuaded me Lo go was Lhe facL LhaL my moLher planned Lo have us Lravel on
vlrgln ALlanLlc upper Class, Lhe hlghesL form of Lravel Lhe alrllne offers. l hadn'L Lraveled llrsL Class for a
long Llme, and l [usL couldn'L refuse such an offer. l have always had a penchanL for luxury, opulence,
and presLlge, and Lravellng on vlrgln ALlanLlc upper Class would glve me LhaL experlence, lf only for a
shorL Llme. AfLer all of Lhe angulsh l had been Lhrough, l flgured l needed a sense of resplLe by golng on
Lhls luxurlous vacaLlon. lor [usL Lhls one brlef perlod of my llfe, slnce l speculaLed LhaL my llfe could very
well be endlng soon, l declded Lo Lry my besL Lo forgeL abouL everyLhlng and lndulge myself ln every way
l could on Lhls Lrlp Lo Lngland.
8efore we Look off, we spenL some Llme aL Lhe excluslve upper Class lounge aL Lhe LAx alrporL. 1here
was a buffeL wlLh all sorLs of goodles for me Lo plck aL, and l had my flll of smoked salmon and
champagne. Whlle Lhere, l had a dlscusslon wlLh my moLher abouL wheLher l had any more hope ln my
llfe, and whaL l could posslbly do Lo geL whaL l wanL ln llfe.
As holders of llrsL Class LlckeLs, we sklpped Lo Lhe fronL of Lhe llne as we boarded Lhe plane, and l
Look greaL saLlsfacLlon as l passed by all of Lhe oLher people who flew economy, glvlng all of Lhe younger
passengers a cocky llLLle smlrk whenever Lhey looked aL me. Cnce l had seLLled ln my blg, luxurlous bed-
seaL ln Lhe llrsL Class cabln, l had even more champagne, followed by an exqulslLe dlnner of sLeak and
poLaLoes, and some red wlne Lo wash lL all down. l ordered glass afLer glass of red wlne durlng Lhe
whole rlde, and became qulLe drunk as l waLched a few movles, one of Lhem belng Lhe new lce Age
movle whlch l found qulLe funny.
When we arrlved, we were chauffeured ln a llmouslne Lo our hoLel ln ColchesLer. 1hls Llme, we sLayed
aL Lhe Pollday lnn, whlch was very slmllar Lo Lhe hoLel on Lhe lasL Lrlp. Cur relaLlves, even Ah Mah who
rarely lefL Lhe house ln her old age, came Lo our hoLel Lo greeL us. We Lhen wenL Lo Lhelr house, where
AunL Mln had cooked a nlce dlnner for us. l felL so amazed Lo be back ln Lngland agaln. lL had been a
whole year slnce Lhe lasL Lrlp, buL l felL as lf noLhlng had happened. noLhlng had lmproved ln my llfe,
LhaL's for sure. l was ln Lhe exacL same poslLlon as l had been on Lhe year before, and a year before
LhaL. and so on. l was now a 21-year-old vlrgln, sLlll sufferlng Lhe same ln[usLlces of Lhe world. l Lrled
noL Lo Lhlnk abouL lL, for Lhe sake of en[oylng my Lrlp, buL Lhe angsL was Loo overwhelmlng.
Cur hoLel served Lhe same Lype of exqulslLe breakfasL buffeL as Lhe hoLel we sLayed ln lasL year, and
once agaln l Look dellghL ln lndulglng ln Lhe endless amounLs of pork sausages, crolssanLs, ham, bacon,
and every oLher delecLable LreaL aL Lhe buffeL, every slngle mornlng. lor Lhls vacaLlon, l mosLly sLayed aL
Lhe hoLel, relaxlng and Lrylng Lo esLabllsh a sense of peace and serenlLy.
When my famlly wenL on a Lour Lhrough London, l refused Lo go. 1here was no polnL. l would [usL be
mlserable from havlng Lo be alone whlle oLher men walked around Lhere wlLh glrlfrlends. l proclalmed
Lo Lhem all LhaL l wlll never go for a nlghL ouL ln London unless l had a beauLlful glrlfrlend on my arm.
Whlle Lhey were ln London, l sLayed aL Lhe relaLlve's house wlLh my grandma Ah Mah. Ah Mah cooked
me a dellclous dlnner, [usL llke she dld when l was a llLLle chlld llvlng ln Lhe Cld 8ecLory ln Lngland. l
drank a whole boLLle of wlne LhaL nlghL, and l was qulLe drunk by Lhe Llme Lhey came back from London.
We dld manage Lo vlslL grandma !lnx durlng Lhls Lrlp. 8efore we lefL back Lo Amerlca, uncle Andrew
drove us Lo Smarden, kenL Lo vlslL her aL her house. l hadn'L been Lo grandma !lnx's house slnce l was
Len years old, and lL looked exacLly Lhe same. Crandma !lnx asked me a loL of quesLlons abouL my llfe, as
she always dld. l had Lo sLlffly preLend LhaL everyLhlng was golng well, and lL palned me LhaL l had
noLhlng golng for me Lo boasL abouL. l haLed belng Lhe shameful grandson. l beL cousln Ceorge was
llvlng a beLLer llfe Lhan me. l'm sure he had a loL Lo say LhaL made grandma !lnx proud.
All ln all, lL was a relaxlng, peaceful, and luxurlous Lrlp. l dldn'L regreL golng. lrom Lhe way my llfe was
golng, l needed someLhlng llke LhaL Lo flll ln as one my lasL few en[oymenLs. Cn Lhe way home, we spenL
Llme aL Lhe upper Class lounge aL PeaLhrow AlrporL, and Lhls lounge was even more lmpresslve Lhan Lhe
one ln LAx. 1hey had all sorLs of luxury food, and a whole bar full of every drlnk one could lmaglne. Cn
Lhe way home, l had mulLlple glasses of red wlne agaln before drlfLlng off Lo a nlce, drunken sleep. As we
were abouL Lo land ln L.A., our plane hovered around Lhe clLy for a whlle, walLlng for Lhe Lrafflc on Lhe
runway Lo clear up below. Whlle Lhe plane hovered, l fllmed a few vldeos of Lhe enLlre clLy of L.A. lL was
qulLe an experlence, Lo look down upon such a clLy. LveryLhlng looked so small, and Lhe people and cars
looked llke llLLle lnsecLs. l brlefly fanLaslzed abouL belng a god as l looked down upon Lhem all. l
lmaglned havlng Lhe power Lo desLroy everyLhlng below wlLh desLrucLlve, supernaLural powers. lL made
for a flne scenarlo, worLhy of belng dlscussed wlLh !ames Lllls, lf only he were sLlll my frlend.

Cn new ?ear's Lve, l sLayed aL my moLher's house, feellng lonely and mlserable. l belleve faLher and
Soumaya wenL Lo AnL[e 1wlnn's house agaln. 1here was no way l would go Lhere agaln afLer Lhe lncldenL
LhaL occurred Lhe year before. l found lL qulLe hllarlous LhaL everyLhlng durlng Lhls hollday was playlng
ouL [usL Lhe same way as lL played ouL ln Lhe prevlous year, Lhe Lrlp Lo Lngland, faLher and Soumaya
aLLendlng Lhe same parLy aL Lhe 1wlnn's house, my same mlserable, lonely, vlrgln sLaLus. lndeed, my llfe
was movlng ln vlclous clrcle of LormenL wlLh no way ouL. 1he only Lhlng LhaL goL me Lhrough lL all was
my hope LhaL Lhere was a way ouL, and LhaL hope had been shaLLered Loo many Llmes. l couldn'L llve llke
Lhls anymore. l knew LhaL lf Lhlngs conLlnue Lo be Lhe same, l would have Lo carry ouL my ulLlmaLe
8eLrlbuLlon and dle ln Lhe process. l dldn'L wanL Lo dle. l fear deaLh, buL deaLh ls beLLer Lhan llvlng such a
mlserable, lnslgnlflcanL llfe.

l remalned ln my homeLown for a couple of weeks, and Lhen l wenL back Lo SanLa 8arbara, Lhe place
of beauLy and romance LhaL l've had Lo suffer ln lonely hell. l only slgned up for onllne classes for Lhe
Sprlng semesLer, buL LhaL was only Lo placaLe my parenLs. l dldn'L see Lhe polnL ln even boLherlng wlLh
college anymore. Pavlng Lo walk Lhrough S8CC wlLh all of Lhose beauLlful glrls sLruLLlng around ln Lhelr
reveallng shorLs, showlng off Lhelr sexy legs. lL ls LorLure, because l know LhaL Lhey would all re[ecL me.
1here are so many beauLlful glrls ln SanLa 8arbara, buL noL one of Lhem ever wanLed Lo be my glrlfrlend.
Llfe would have been so perfecL Lhere lf only glrls were aLLracLed Lo me.

lor Lhe monLh of !anuary 2013, l sLayed ln my room all Lhe Llme, assesslng my slLuaLlon. l brooded and
conLemplaLed abouL everyLhlng. l could hear all of Lhose happy young people parLylng and en[oylng
Lhemselves as Lhe new semesLer came Lo a sLarL. l mused LhaL l should be ouL Lhere, experlenclng a
happy, healLhy college llfe wlLh a group of frlends, meeLlng up wlLh glrls and sleeplng wlLh Lhem, [usL llke
all oLher guys dld ln college. l LhoughL abouL how lL was almosL Lwo years slnce l had moved Lo SanLa
8arbara, and LhaL only made my rage and frusLraLlon grow. As l llsLened Lo all of Lhose young people
havlng so much fun rlghL ouLslde my wlndow, my haLred of Lhem all for noL accepLlng me only fesLered
and bolled lnslde me, fllllng me wlLh lmmense paln.
AL one polnL, l looked ouL my wlndow and saw couples sLrolllng around Lhe sLreeL, on Lhelr way Lo
some parLy. 1hey probably slepL wlLh each oLher LhaL nlghL. 1he slghL made me feel so lnferlor, llke a
llLLle mouse. l felL llke l was aL Lhe boLLom of Lhe food chaln. l couldn'L faLhom how l had Lo endure such
a palnful llfe. Cn LhaL same nlghL, l looked aL Lhe owerball agaln, and saw LhaL Lhe [ackpoL had rlsen Lo
over $100 mllllon. 1hls prompLed me Lo drlve Lo Arlzona agaln, ln anoLher desperaLe aLLempL Lo become
lnsLanLly wealLhy so LhaL l could aLLracL beauLlful glrls and llve Lhe llfe l wanL. AfLer all of Lhe re[ecLlon
and mlsLreaLmenL l've experlenced aL Lhe hands of women, l knew LhaL becomlng wealLhy was Lhe only
way l could become worLhy of Lhem, and so my obsesslon wlLh becomlng wealLhy aL a young age came
back ln full force for Lhe flrsL few monLhs of 2013.

8y Lhe monLh of Aprll, l had drlven Lo Arlzona Lhree more Llmes, maklng a LoLal of four Lrlps Lo
Arlzona ln my llfeLlme, [usL Lo buy loLLery LlckeLs ouL of lnLense desperaLlon, bellevlng lL Lo be my only
hope of aLLalnlng Lhe llfe l deslre, Lhe llfe l know l'm worLhy of. l kepL dreamlng of Lhe llfe l would have
once l won, Lhe beauLlful blonde glrlfrlend, Lhe luxurlous manslon wlLh a magnlflcenL vlew, all of Lhe
exoLlc cars l would drlve Lo lmpress glrls. lL gave me hope. lL gave me someLhlng Lo llve for.
1haL hope was shaLLered afLer each aLLempL. none of Lhe LlckeLs l boughL on Lhose Lrlps fulfllled my
dreams. 1he reason l kepL golng, even afLer l dldn'L wln, was because l Lruly belleved l was supposed Lo
wln. l wanLed Lo belleve lL because l &'"-/# someLhlng Lo llve for. l needed Lo have hope. l knew LhaL lf l
losL all of my hope, l would have noLhlng Lo llve for buL revenge. Any chance of havlng a happy llfe would
be doomed.
AL Lhe end of March, when l checked my lasL seL of LlckeLs LhaL l had boughL from my lasL Lrlp Lo
Arlzona, and saw LhaL l dldn'L wln, any hope l had of becomlng wealLhy aL a young age was flnally and
lndeflnlLely shaLLered. lL fully dawned on me LhaL Lhe llfe l had envlsloned for myself would never come
Lo pass. 1he chlldren l would have ln Lhe fuLure wlLh a beauLlful blonde glrlfrlend ceased Lo exlsL, as lf
Lhey were murdered. 1here won'L be any beauLlful blonde glrlfrlend for me now. no glrl would be my
glrlfrlend unless l had greaL wealLh. l learned LhaL from my llfe of belng re[ecLed. l was doomed Lo a llfe
of lonely vlrglnlLy.
ln Aprll, Lhe owerball loLLery was lnLroduced ln Lhe sLaLe of Callfornla, so lf l ever wanLed Lo play lL
agaln l would no longer have Lo drlve Lo Arlzona. Powever, l was so shaken by noL wlnnlng ln Lhe lasL
few monLhs LhaL l gave up on lL for a whlle, buL evenLually l would have eplsodes of llLLle surges of hope
ln whlch l'd buy a few LlckeLs, [usL Lo have someLhlng Lo hope for as l endure Lhe lasL few monLhs of my
LorLurous llfe. All of Lhose llLLle surges of hope, of course, would be shaLLered as well.

uurlng Lhls Sprlng of 2013, l began Lo serlously Lhlnk abouL plannlng Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon. My nexL
sLep Lowards plannlng for lL was Lo buy my second handgun, a Slg Sauer 226. lL ls of a much hlgher
quallLy Lhan Lhe Clock, and a loL more efflclenL. ln Lurn, lL was also a loL more expenslve. My Clock 34
was around $700 dollars, whereas my new Slg Sauer 226 was $1100.
1hese prlces were of no concern Lo me, however. When l flrsL moved Lo SanLa 8arbara and
experlenced all of Lhose horrlble revelaLlons abouL Lhe naLure of humanlLy, l knew LhaL someLhlng llke
Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon could very well happen lf Lhe world conLlnued Lo mlsLreaL me. l began Lo carefully
save up all of Lhe money LhaL my parenL's and grandmoLhers were sendlng me. lL was an ample amounL
Lo llve on, leavlng me wlLh a loL lefL over Lo bulld up ln my bank accounL. When l hlL Lhe $3000 dollar
mark, whlch was falrly soon afLer my move Lo SanLa 8arbara, l declded never Lo go under lL, deemlng
LhaL $3000 was enough Lo buy all of Lhe supplles and equlpmenL l would need lf l had Lo do someLhlng
llke Lhls. 1he uay of 8eLrlbuLlon had always been ln Lhe back of my mlnd as a flnal soluLlon lf all else
falled ln my llfe, ever slnce l had moved Lo SanLa 8arbara. As lL so happened, all else dld lndeed fall.
Women conLlnued Lo re[ecL me and mlsLreaL me, and l remalned an unwanLed vlrgln.

lor Lhe lasL monLhs of Sprlng, l wenL home a loL because Lhe lonellness ln SanLa 8arbara was Loo
sLlfllng. Colng home Lo vlslL my parenLs was always an emoLlonal refuge for me. uurlng Lhese Lrlps
home, l spenL a loL of Llme wlLh my llLLle broLher !azz. My faLher leL me drlve hls Mercedes Suv whlle l
was ln Lown, and l ofLen Look !azz on ouLlngs wlLh lL. Cn Lhese ouLlngs, l began Lo really bond wlLh Lhe
boy. We wenL Lo places llke 8arnes & noble, Lhe playground aL Lhe park, and local cafes where l LreaLed
hlm Lo coffee and pasLrles. 1he parks l Look hlm Lo were Serranla ark and Lhe Woodland Pllls recreaLlon
cenLer. l llke Lo waLch hlm play ln Lhe playground aL Lhese parks, because Lhose were Lhe exacL same
playgrounds l played ln when l was hls age. When my llfe as acLually happy. As l waLched hlm, l
dreamed abouL LhaL happy llfe l used Lo llve, before my whole world Lurned Lo darkness.
l reallzed how much dlfferenL my broLher !azz was from me aL LhaL age. Whlle l was shy, shorL, and
physlcally weak, !azz was Lall for hls age and very soclal. Pe had no problem golng up Lo oLher boys aL
Lhe playground and maklng lnsLanL frlends. l began Lo form a blLLer envy Lowards hlm, Lhough l hld lL
really well. My llLLle broLher had all Lhe poLenLlal Lo grow up Lo be a popular kld and llve Lhe llfe l was
never able Lo llve. l cursed Lhe world for granLlng my llLLle broLher !azz so many more advanLages Lhan
me. l Lrled noL Lo leL Lhls ruln my relaLlonshlp wlLh hlm. My llLLle broLher really looked up Lo me. Pe was
one of Lhe few people who LreaLed me wlLh adoraLlon, and LhaL made me feel aL leasL a small Lwlnge of
self-worLh. lL was qulLe surprlslng LhaL he respecLed me so much, slnce l had noLhlng ln my llfe Lo boasL
abouL Lo hlm. Pe even asked me once lf l had ever had a glrlfrlend, and l angrlly Lold hlm LhaL Lhe maLLer
was none of hls concern. l dldn'L wanL Lo admlL Lo hlm LhaL glrl's LhoughL l was a loser. lf he found ouL
abouL LhaL, he would respecL me less. ln order Lo boosL hls hlgh oplnlon of me, l ofLen sugarcoaLed all of
my early accompllshmenLs, such as Lelllng hlm LhaL l was an experL skaLeboarder and vldeo game player.
eople havlng a hlgh oplnlon of me ls whaL l've always wanLed ln llfe. lL has always been of Lhe
uLmosL lmporLance. 1hls ls why my llfe has been so mlserable, because no one has ever had a hlgh
oplnlon of me. My llLLle broLher !azz was Lhe only one who had such an oplnlon, and LhaL ls why l
en[oyed spendlng so much Llme wlLh hlm, desplLe my envy of hls soclal advanLages.

uurlng one of my frequenL vlslLs home ln laLe Sprlng, l reunlLed wlLh my old frlends hlllp and
Addlson. l hadn'L seen Lhem slnce Lhe nlghL l emoLlonally crled ln fronL of Lhem aL Lhe CeLLy museum ln
Lhe beglnnlng of 2012. 1hls reunlon was sparked by Lhe pollLlcal and phllosophlc conversaLlons l had
been havlng wlLh Addlson over lacebook.
l declded Lo meeL Lhem aL hlllp's house, where we would make plans for an ouLlng around Mallbu
and L.A. l broughL my faLher's Mercedes Suv Lo use as our mode of LransporLaLlon. llrsL, we wenL Lo
olnL uume ln Mallbu, where Addlson used Lo llve. Colng Lhere broughL back blLLer memorles of my
prevlous confllcL wlLh Addlson. 1he Lhree of us hlked Lo Lhe very Llp of olnL uume, where Lhere was a
cllff LhaL overlooked Lhe beach.
AfLer Mallbu, we declded Lo have dlnner aL Lhe 8CA SLeakhouse ln SanLa Monlca. urlvlng Lhrough
SanLa Monlca was an exLremely lnfurlaLlng experlence, [usL llke lL had always been. 1here were so many
good looklng young couples walklng abouL, en[oylng Lhe preLLy nlghL llfe LhaL Lhe aLLracLlve clLy had Lo
offer. Croups of young people walked abouL ln Lhelr llLLle cllques. lL remlnded me Lo SLaLe SLreeL ln
SanLa 8arbara, as well as lsla vlsLa. As l waLched all of Lhose obnoxlous boys walklng around wlLh Lhelr
beauLlful blonde glrlfrlends, l wanLed Lo run Lhem all over wlLh my faLher's Mercedes Suv. l fanLaslzed
abouL how dellghLful LhaL would be. 1o llLerally crush Lhelr llves Lo a pulp, [usL llke Lhey had crushed
mlne. l Lrled as hard as l could Lo hlde my envy-fueled rage from hlllp and Addlson. hlllp was easy Lo
fool, buL Addlson could Lell how enraged l was. Addlson knew me all Loo well.

ln SanLa 8arbara, l spenL almosL all of my Llme ln my room, broodlng. l began bulldlng on all of my
phllosophlcal vlews and Lheorles abouL Lhe world. l had Lo quesLlon why Lhlngs were Lhe way Lhey were.
1he world ls so LwlsLed, and l wanLed answers.
l haLed all of Lhose obnoxlous, bolsLerous men who were able Lo en[oy pleasurable sex llves wlLh
beauLlful glrls, buL l haLed Lhe glrl's even more, because Lhey were Lhe ones who 8)7(/ Lhose men
lnsLead of me. lL was Lhelr cholce. 1hey are Lhe ones who deprlved me of love and sex.
My haLred and rage Lowards all women fesLered lnslde me llke a plague. 1helr very exlsLence ls Lhe
cause of all of my LorLure, paln and sufferlng LhroughouL my llfe. My llfe Lurned lnLo a llvlng hell afLer l
sLarLed deslrlng Lhem when l hlL puberLy. l deslre Lhem lnLensely, buL l could never have Lhem. l could
never have Lhe experlence of holdlng hands wlLh a beauLlful glrl and walklng on a moonllL beach, l could
never embrace a glrlfrlend and feel her warmLh and love, l could never have passlonaLe sex wlLh a glrl
and drlfL off Lo sleep wlLh her sexy body beslde me. Women deemed me unworLhy of havlng Lhem, and
so Lhey deprlved me of an en[oyable youLh, whlle glvlng Lhelr love and sex Lo oLher boys. ln all of Lhose
years l suffered a llfe of sexual sLarvaLlon and unfulfllled deslres. l wlll never geL Lhose years back. My
llfe has been wasLed, all because women haLe me so much.
All l had ever wanLed was Lo love women, buL Lhelr behavlor has only earned my haLred. l wanL Lo
have sex wlLh Lhem, and make Lhem feel good, buL Lhey would be dlsgusLed aL Lhe prospecL. 1hey have
no sexual aLLracLlon Lowards me. lL ls such an ln[usLlce, and l vehemenLly quesLloned why Lhlngs had Lo
be Lhls way. Why do women behave llke vlclous, sLupld, cruel anlmals who Lake dellghL ln my sufferlng
and sLarvaLlon? Why do Lhey have a perverLed sexual aLLracLlon for Lhe mosL bruLlsh of men lnsLead of
genLlemen of lnLelllgence?
l concluded LhaL women are flawed. 1here ls someLhlng menLally wrong wlLh Lhe way Lhelr bralns are
wlred, as lf Lhey haven'L evolved from anlmal-llke Lhlnklng. 1hey are lncapable of reason or Lhlnklng
raLlonally. 1hey are llke anlmals, compleLely conLrolled by Lhelr prlmal, depraved emoLlons and
lmpulses. 1haL ls why Lhey are aLLracLed Lo barbarlc, wlld, beasL-llke men. 1hey are beasLs Lhemselves.
8easLs should noL be able Lo have any rlghLs ln a clvlllzed socleLy. lf Lhelr wlckedness ls noL conLalned,
Lhe whole of humanlLy wlll be held back from advancemenL Lo a more clvlllzed sLaLe. Women should noL
have Lhe rlghL Lo choose who Lo maLe wlLh. 1haL cholce should be made for Lhem by clvlllzed men of
lnLelllgence. lf women had Lhe freedom Lo choose whlch men Lo maLe wlLh, llke Lhey do Loday, Lhey
would breed wlLh sLupld, degeneraLe men, whlch would only produce sLupld, degeneraLe offsprlng. 1hls
ln Lurn would hlnder Lhe advancemenL of humanlLy. noL only hlnder lL, buL devolve humanlLy
compleLely. Women are llke a plague LhaL musL be quaranLlned. When l came Lo Lhls brllllanL, perfecL
revelaLlon, l felL llke everyLhlng was now clear Lo me, ln a blLLer, LwlsLed way. l am one of Lhe few people
on Lhls world who has Lhe lnLelllgence Lo see Lhls. l am llke a god, and my purpose ls Lo exacL ulLlmaLe
8eLrlbuLlon on all of Lhe lmpurlLles l see ln Lhe world.

1he Sprlng of 2013 was also Lhe Llme when l came across Lhe webslLe uAPaLe.com. lL ls a forum full
of men who are sLarved of sex, [usL llke me. Many of Lhem have Lhelr own Lheorles of whaL women are
aLLracLed Lo, and many of Lhem share my haLred of women, Lhough unllke me Lhey would be Loo
cowardly Lo acL on lL. 8eadlng Lhe posLs on LhaL webslLe only conflrmed many of Lhe Lheorles l had
abouL how wlcked and degeneraLe women really are. MosL of Lhe people on LhaL webslLe have
exLremely sLupld oplnlons LhaL l found very frusLraLlng, buL l found a few Lo be qulLe lnslghLful.
1he webslLe uAPaLe ls very depresslng. lL shows [usL how bleak and cruel Lhe world ls due of Lhe
evllness of women. l Lrled Lo show lL Lo my parenLs, Lo glve Lhem some sorL dose of reallLy as Lo why l
am so mlserable. 1hey never undersLood why l am so mlserable. 1hey have always had Lhe deluslon LhaL
everyLhlng ls golng well for me, especlally my faLher. When l senL Lhe llnk of uAPaLe.com Lo my
parenLs, none of Lhem even boLhered Lo look aL Lhe posLs on Lhere.

AfLer a Sprlng season spenL ln absoluLe despalr whlle oLher young people llved healLhy llves of sexual
pleasure, summer arrlved. Summer ls even worse Lhan Sprlng, especlally ln SanLa 8arbara. llocks of hoL,
young glrls go ouL ln Lhelr shorLs and blklnl's, furLher LanLallzlng my sex-sLarved body every Llme l look aL
Lhem. knowlng LhaL Lhey gleefully show off Lhelr deslrable forms, yeL Lhey would never glve me a chance
Lo be Lhelr boyfrlend only lncreased my already bolllng haLred Lowards all women. l could noL leave my
aparLmenL wlLhouL seelng aL leasL a few of Lhem. 1he only place l could go where l could be aL peace
was Lhe Lake ark ln ColeLa. l spenL a loL of Llme Lhere, Lrylng Lo esLabllsh a sense peace and serenlLy
whenever my lonellness ln lsla vlsLa became Loo unbearable. As l looked aL all of Lhe beauLlful Lrees
around me, and Lhe Lowerlng mounLalns ln Lhe background, l wondered how a world so beauLlful can be
such a dark and cruel place. lndeed, a beauLlful envlronmenL ls Lhe darkesL hell lf you have Lo experlence
lL all alone, whlle oLher men geL Lo en[oy Lhe company of women.

l had noLhlng lefL Lo llve for buL revenge. Women musL be punlshed for Lhelr crlmes of re[ecLlng such
a magnlflcenL genLleman as myself. All of Lhose popular boys musL be punlshed for en[oylng heavenly
llves and havlng sex wlLh all Lhe glrls whlle l had Lo suffer ln lonely vlrglnlLy. lL was already !une, and l
had been llvlng ln SanLa 8arbara for Lwo years. H&7 &)72/ +/'4(. l llved ln a college Lown full of young,
aLLracLlve sLudenLs who parLled and had sex all Lhe Llme, and l dldn'L geL Lo experlence any of lL. no one
lnvlLed me Lo any parLles, and ln all Lhe Llmes l wenL ouL by myself Lo lsla vlsLa, none of Lhe beauLlful
blonde glrls showed any lnLeresL ln havlng sex wlLh me. noL one glrl. 1hese are crlmes Lhan cannoL go
unpunlshed. 1he more l LhoughL abouL all Lhese ln[usLlces LhaL were dealL Lo me, Lhe more eager l
became for revenge. lL's all l had lefL. l dldn'L wanL Lo dle, buL l knew LhaL l had Lo klll myself afLer l
exacLed my revenge Lo avold geLLlng capLured and lmprlsoned.
lor a whlle, l had been decldlng on wheLher l would exacL my 8eLrlbuLlon ln lsla vlsLa or aL SanLa
8arbara ClLy College. ln boLh places, l had suffered greaLly aL Lhe hands of everyone Lhere. l have seen
aLLracLlve young couples walklng around ln boLh places, and Lhose were my LargeLs. l wanLed Lo klll as
many aLLracLlve young couples as l posslbly could.
AfLer a loL of Lhlnklng, l came Lo Lhe concluslon LhaL Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon wlll Lake place ln lsla vlsLa.
Cn weekend nlghLs, Lhe sLreeLs of lsla vlsLa are always flooded wlLh young couples and good-looklng
popular klds walklng Lo Lhelr parLles. WhaL beLLer place ls Lhere Lo exacL my 8eLrlbuLlon on my enemles?
Lvery Llme l walked around lsla vlsLa, Lrylng Lo meeL glrls or flL ln wlLh popular klds, l've only been
LreaLed wlLh dlsdaln, as lf l'm an lnferlor mouse. Cn Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon, Lhe Lables wlll lndeed Lurn, l
mused Lo myself. l wlll be a god, and Lhey wlll all be anlmals LhaL l can slaughLer. 1hey are anlmals. 1hey
behave llke anlmals, and l wlll slaughLer Lhem llke Lhe anlmals Lhey are.
lL came Lo a polnL where l had Lo seL a daLe for Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon. l orlglnally consldered dolng lL
on Lhe Palloween of 2013. 1haL ls when Lhe enLlre Lown erupLs ln raucous parLylng. 1here would llLerally
be Lhousands of people crowded LogeLher who l could klll wlLh ease, and Lhe goal was Lo klll everyone ln
lsla vlsLa, Lo uLLerly desLroy LhaL wreLched Lown. 8uL Lhen, afLer seelng fooLage of prevlous Palloween
evenLs on ?ouLube, l saw LhaL Lhere were Loo many cops walklng around. lL would be Loo rlsky. Cne
gunshoL from a cop wlll end everyLhlng. 1he uay of 8eLrlbuLlon would have Lo be on a normal parLy
weekend, so l seL lL for some Llme durlng november of 2013.
1hls goal would glve me flve monLhs Lo plan and prepare. llve more monLhs of llfe, buL Lhen agaln l
wouldn'L even call lL 2,1/. 1he exlsLence l've had on Lhls world durlng Lhe lasL elghL years ls anyLhlng buL
2,1/. A feellng of overwhelmlng dlzzlness and anxleLy swepL over me. l was acLually golng Lo dle. l
couldn'L belleve lL. 1hen l reallzed LhaL my llfe was already over anyway. l was never golng Lo lose my
vlrglnlLy, l was never golng Lo experlence love and sex, l was never golng Lo have chlldren. 1hls flnal acL
of 8eLrlbuLlon ls Lhe only Lhlng l could do. lL was very hard Lo come Lo Lerms wlLh Lhls facL. l felL very
Lrapped and losL.

l haLed Lhe feellng of belng Lrapped and losL. l wanLed a way ouL, buL l saw none. l had already spenL
Lwo years ln SanLa 8arbara, and l was sLlll a vlrgln. 1here was no way l could ever aLLracL a glrl wlLhouL
becomlng exLremely wealLhy, and all of my prospecLs of becomlng wealLhy aL a young age seemed
lmposslble now.
ln Lhe beglnnlng of summer, l wenL on a few walks around lsla vlsLa durlng dayllghL hours. Whlle on
Lhese walks, l saw so many aLLracLlve young people walklng around ln Lhelr llLLle groups, havlng Lhe Llme
of Lhelr llves. Some of Lhe guys ln Lhose groups weren'L even good looklng, whlle l am good looklng. l
couldn'L undersLand how Lhey could be accepLed, whlle l wasn'L. l furlously quesLloned why l haven'L
been able Lo have such experlences afLer llvlng ln lsla vlsLa for Lwo years. lL was unfaLhomable.
l wanLed answers. l wanLed Lo know why lL had Lo come Lo Lhls. lf only 7"/ preLLy glrl had shown
some form of aLLracLlon Lo me, Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon would never happen. l'd never even conslder lL.
1he uay of 8eLrlbuLlon ls malnly my war agalnsL women for re[ecLlng me and deprlvlng me of sex and
love. lf only one glrl had glven me a chance, Lrled Lo geL Lo know me, leL me Lake her ouL on a daLe.
none of Lhls would have Lo happen. lL was so hard Lo accepL LhaL Lhlngs would have Lo resorL Lo me
havlng Lo perform Lhls acL of 8eLrlbuLlon l was plannlng.

Whlle l vlslLed home, my parenLs, along wlLh my psychlaLrlsL ur. Charles Sophy, arranged for a
counsellor Lo meeL me frequenLly and help me ouL wlLh my llfe. Pls name was Cavln Llnderman, a clean-
cuL LwenLy flve-year-old. Pe had a slmllar role Lo 1ony, my old counsellor from Lhe reglonal cenLer back
when l was nlneLeen, excepL Cavln was much younger and acLed more llke a frlend who could Lake me
ouL Lo places. Lvery Llme l wenL back Lo vlslL my parenLs, l would meeL up wlLh Cavln once. We usually
meL up aL a resLauranL somewhere, or wenL on a hlke. l Lold hlm abouL all of my problems wlLh glrls, and
all of Lhe hardshlps l've had Lo face ln SanLa 8arbara. 8elng famlllar wlLh lsla vlsLa hlmself, slnce he spenL
a greaL deal of Llme Lhere when he was younger, he conflrmed Lo me LhaL yes, Lhe glrls ln lsla vlsLa
prefer Lall, muscular, rowdy [ock-Lype men.
Cavln was Lhe only young person l really lnLeracLed wlLh aL Lhe Llme, besldes Lhe occaslonal meeLlngs
wlLh hlllp and Addlson. Pe was a good-looklng guy, wlLh a chlseled [aw and brlghL blonde halr.
Whenever we wenL ouL Lo a resLauranL, or anywhere LhaL had glrls, l goL exLremely [ealous when l saw
LhaL glrls were checklng hlm ouL lnsLead of me. 1hls one glrl aL a resLauranL ln SanLa Monlca was sLarlng
aL hlm Lhe whole Llme we were slLLlng Lhere. no glrl had ever done LhaL Lo me. 1hls only made me more
aware LhaL glrls dld noL conslder me physlcally aLLracLlve. My haLred of Lhe female gender could grow no
sLronger. lL was Loo much.

Cn laLher's uay, l wenL wlLh my famlly Lo Lhe lour Season's 8esorL ln WesLlake vlllage. 1he lour
Season's held Lhelr annual laLher's uay buffeL. 1he place was very beauLlful and opulenL, and Lhere was
dellclous food of all klnds Lo choose from. l always looked forward Lo evenLs llke Lhls. Slnce l had no
access Lo sex, food was my only vlce. As wlLh all buffeLs LhaL l had aLLended, l sLuffed myself
Lremendously, Lrylng Lo sample every slngle Lhlng Lhey offered. 1here was pork sausage, bacon, smoked
salmon, sushl, flleL mlgnon, roasL chlcken, roasL poLaLoes. And l Look pleasure ln eaLlng as much as l
could. l fllled my plaLe Lhree Llmes and devoured all of Lhem. As l en[oyed my exqulslLe meal, l Look ln
Lhe scenery all around me, Lhe perfecLly bullL archlLecLure of Lhe bulldlng, Lhe preLLy flowers ln Lhe
gardens, Lhe luxurlous furnlLure and decor, Lhe cascadlng founLalns. lL Lruly made me feel good, a
welcome resplLe from all of my sufferlng ln SanLa 8arbara. 8esplLes llke Lhese make me more aware LhaL
Lhere are so many good and beauLlful Lhlngs ln Lhls world Lo en[oy. lf my sLaLus ln llfe were beLLer, l
would Lhlnk Lhls world Lo be a magnlflcenL place, and l could Lruly en[oy llfe. lf l was saLlsfled wlLh my
clrcumsLances ln llfe, l would be able Lo en[oy Lhls beauLlful world Lo lLs fullesL. l can'L be saLlsfled wlLh
llfe lf l'm a vlrgln and glrls are repulsed by me. lL's such a Lragedy.
l reallzed LhaL l dldn'L wanL Lo glve up on llfe ln Lhls world. l wanLed Lo llve a happy llfe, a llfe ln whlch
l could have a beauLlful glrlfrlend and experlence Lhls amazlng world wlLh her. l declded LhaL slnce my
plans for Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon wouldn'L be Laklng place unLll november, l could use Lhe Llme l had
durlng Lhe summer Lo glve llfe anoLher chance, one lasL chance before Lhe end, one lasL dlLch efforL Lo
aLLaln happlness.

ln laLe !une, my moLher moved ouL of Lhe SummlL 1own Pomes and boughL a house ln WesL Pllls. lL
was Lhe flrsL Llme my moLher boughL a house, as she had only renLed ln Lhe pasL. 1he house had recenLly
undergone a renovaLlon, so lL was pracLlcally brand new. 1he house had a swlmmlng pool and was
locaLed ln a nlce enough area, Lhough l would have sLlll preferred lL lf my moLher had goLLen marrled Lo
a wealLhy man and moved lnLo a manslon. l sLlll conLlnued Lo pesLer her Lo do Lhls, and she sLlll
sLubbornly refused. l wlll always resenL my moLher for refuslng Lo do Lhls. lf noL for her sake, she should
have done lL for mlne. !olnlng a famlly of greaL wealLh would have Lruly saved my llfe. l would have a
hlgh enough sLaLus Lo aLLracL beauLlful glrlfrlends and llve above all of my enemles. All of my horrlflc
Lroubles would have been eased lnsLanLly. lL ls very selflsh of my moLher Lo noL conslder Lhls.

WlLh Lhe help of Cavln, my parenLs arranged for me Lo have a couple of soclal skllls counsellors Lo
work wlLh me ln SanLa 8arbara. 1hey would have a slmllar role LhaL Cavln dld, provldlng someone Lo
Lake me ouL and help me pracLlce soclallzlng. 1hey would be llke hlred frlends. Cf course, l dld need
someLhlng llke Lhls, and l should have slgned up for lL when l flrsL moved Lo SanLa 8arbara. lL was a llLLle
Loo laLe aL Lhls polnL, l feared, buL l wenL along wlLh lL anyway. l was so lonely ln SanLa 8arbara, and ln
my lonellness l always craved havlng someone Lo Lalk Lo.
1he flrsL counsellor was a very easy golng man named karlln, who was Lhe same age as Cavln. Cn my
flrsL nlghL of meeLlng karlln, he Look me ouL Lo lsla vlsLa, buL noLhlng came ouL of lL. We [usL ended up
walklng around unLll hls Llme was up. uurlng our walk, l asked hlm lf he had ever had sex wlLh glrls ln lsla
vlsLa, and he Lold me he had sex wlLh four glrls! l was very [ealous. karlln was half Pawallan and half
Mexlcan, and he wasn'L LhaL good looklng. Pow on earLh could he have managed Lo sleep wlLh four glrls
ln lsla vlsLa, whlle l had been Lhere for Lwo years and had none? lL seemed absoluLely preposLerous. l
dldn'L wanL Lo see hlm aL all afLer l found Lhls ouL.
1he second counsellor LhaL was asslgned Lo help me was a glrl named Sasha. She was only a year
older Lhan me. Sasha was Lhe flrsL young glrl l had lnLeracLed wlLh ln Lhe enLlre Llme l sLayed ln SanLa
8arbara, and she was only hlred Lo Lalk Lo me. Pow paLheLlc ls LhaL? AL flrsL, l dldn'L wanL Lo have a
female counsellor, buL when l was lnLroduced Lo her, l saw LhaL she was qulLe a preLLy looklng blonde. l
couldn'L refuse Lhe opporLunlLy Lo hang ouL wlLh a blonde glrl, desplLe Lhe facL LhaL she was a hlred
frlend. lL was Lhe only Llme ln my llfe LhaL l had Lhe experlence of spendlng Llme wlLh a glrl my age, and
even Lhough lL was all fake, l really en[oyed lL. l felL so much beLLer abouL llfe afLer each Llme we meL.
8uL Lhen, l LhoughL abouL how unfalr lL was LhaL l could only geL a fake llLLle LasLe of such an experlence,
whlle oLher men geL Lo do such a Lhlng every slngle day wlLh Lhelr glrlfrlends. LvenLually, Sasha had Lo
move ouL of SanLa 8arbara, and l declded noL Lo have any more female counsellors. lL has Lhe same
effecL as hlrlng a prosLlLuLe, l lmaglne. lL Lemporarlly feels good for Lhe momenL, buL afLerward lL makes
one feel llke a paLheLlc loser for havlng Lo hlre a glrl when oLher men could geL Lhe experlence for free.

ln !uly, l spenL a loL of Llme exerclslng ln my room ln a flnal efforL Lo appear as aLLracLlve as posslble
Lo glrls. l proposed LhaL afLer Lwo weeks of rlgorous exerclslng, l wlll Lry my hardesL Lo go ouL ln lsla vlsLa
and do everyLhlng l can Lo meeL a glrl and lose my vlrglnlLy. lL had been a long Llme slnce l wenL ouL Lo
lsla vlsLa by myself, buL l knew LhaL l had Lo do lL. l had noLhlng Lo lose, and my whole llfe was on Lhe
llne. 8efore would seL Lhe deflnlLe declslon Lo plan Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon, l wanLed Lo glve women and
humanlLy one more chance Lo accepL me and glve me a chance Lo have a pleasurable youLh. l resolved
LhaL lf l go ouL Lo lsla vlsLa for Lhls flnal Llme, and l sLlll end up golng back Lo my room as a lonely vlrgln, l
wlll have no cholce buL Lo plan my 8eLrlbuLlon.
l even aLLended college aL S8CC agaln. l slgned up for a summer soclology class and aLLended lL for a
week, before dropplng lL ouL of Lhe famlllar frusLraLlon of glrls Lalklng Lo oLher boys lnsLead of me.

1hls lasL dlLch efforL of desperaLlon Lo once agaln Lry Lo llve an en[oyable college llfe ln lsla vlsLa came
Lo an ulLlmaLe and devasLaLlng culmlnaLlon on SaLurday nlghL, !uly 20
Lh
, [usL a few days before my 22
nd
8lrLhday.
lL was Lhe day LhaL l declded Lo go ouL ln lsla vlsLa ln an aLLempL Lo lose my vlrglnlLy before l Lurned
22. 1haL was Lhe only Lhlng LhaL could have saved me. l was glvlng Lhe female gender one lasL chance Lo
provlde me wlLh Lhe pleasures l deserved from Lhem.
l was Loo nervous Lo go ouL Lhere sober, so l boughL a boLLle of vodka and Look a few shoLs Lo garner
enough courage Lo walk ouL aL such an hour. l had Laken one Loo many, for by Lhe Llme l reached uel
laya SLreeL, my head was clouded wlLh drunkenness. AL Lhe sLarL, lL beneflLed me greaLly. l saw loLs of
good looklng popular klds soclallzlng ln groups all over Lhe place, and lf l wasn'L drunk lL would have
lnLlmldaLed me Loo much. l was so drunk LhaL l walked rlghL lnLo a wlld house parLy LhaL was Laklng
place on uel laya. 1hey had a u! playlng annoylng hlp hop muslc LhaL all Lhe young people llked Lhese
days, and Lhere was a plng pong Lable seL up where loLs of popular klds were playlng beer pong", a
crude drlnklng game.
1here were abouL one hundred people aL LhaL parLy, and everyone was soclallzlng wlLh a group of
frlends excepL for me. l walked around ln my drunken confldence for a few momenLs, helped myself Lo
Lhe beer Lhey had, and Lrled Lo acL llke a normal parLy-goer. l soon became frusLraLed LhaL no one was
paylng any aLLenLlon Lo me, parLlcularly Lhe glrls. l saw glrls Lalklng Lo oLher guys who looked llke
obnoxlous slobs, buL none of Lhem showed any lnLeresL ln me. As my frusLraLlon grew, so dld my anger. l
came across Lhls Aslan guy who was Lalklng Lo a whlLe glrl. 1he slghL of LhaL fllled me wlLh rage. l always
felL as lf whlLe glrls LhoughL less of me because l was half-Aslan, buL Lhen l see Lhls whlLe glrl aL Lhe parLy
Lalklng Lo a full-blooded Aslan. l never had LhaL klnd of aLLenLlon from a whlLe glrl! And whlLe glrls are
Lhe only glrls l'm aLLracLed Lo, especlally Lhe blondes. >7& 87:2# '" :52+ !(,'" '--4'8- -)/ '--/"-,7" 71 '
&),-/ 5,42C &),2/ ' 9/':-,1:2 R:4'(,'" 2,B/ @+(/21 "/3/4 )'# '"+ '--/"-,7" 147@ -)/@6 l LhoughL wlLh rage.
l glared aL Lhem for a blL, and Lhen declded l had been lnsulLed enough. l angrlly walked Loward Lhem
and bumped Lhe Aslan guy aslde, Lrylng Lo acL cocky and arroganL Lo boLh Lhe boy and Lhe glrl. My
drunken sLaLe goL Lhe beLLer of me, and l almosL fell over Lo Lhe floor afLer a few mlnuLes of Lhls. 1hey
sald someLhlng along Lhe llnes LhaL l was very drunk and LhaL l needed Lo geL some waLer, so l angrlly
lefL Lhem and wenL ouL Lo Lhe fronL yard, where Lhe maln parLylng happened. 8age fumed lnslde me as l
reallzed LhaL l [usL walked away from LhaL confronLaLlon, so l rushed back lnLo Lhe house and splLefully
lnsulLed Lhe Aslan before walklng ouLslde agaln.
l sLood awkwardly ln Lhe fronL yard for a blL, reallzlng how paLheLlc l looked all by myself when
everyone was parLylng around me. 1o calm down, l cllmbed up onLo a wooden ledge LhaL bordered Lhe
sLreeL and plunged down on one of Lhe chalrs Lhere. lsla vlsLa was aL lLs wlldesL sLaLe aL LhaL Llme, and l
saw loLs of guys walklng around wlLh hoL blonde glrls on Lhelr arm. lL fueled me wlLh rage, as lL always
had. l should be one of Lhose guys, buL no blonde glrls gave me LhaL chance. l looked down aL all of
Lhem, and ln my drunken carelessness, exLended my arm ouL and preLended Lo shooL Lhem all, laughlng
glddlly as l dld lL. LvenLually, some parLlers cllmbed up onLo Lhe ledge. 1hey were all obnoxlous, rowdy
boys whom l've always desplsed. A couple of preLLy glrls came up and Lalked Lo Lhem, buL noL Lo me.
1hey all sLarLed soclallzlng rlghL nexL Lo me, and none of Lhe glrls pald any aLLenLlon Lo me. l rose from
my chalr and Lrled Lo acL arroganL and cocky Loward Lhem, Lhrowlng lnsulLs aL everyone. 1hey only
laughed aL me and sLarLed lnsulLlng me back. 1haL was Lhe lasL sLraw, l had Laken enough lnsulLs LhaL
nlghL. A dark, haLe-fueled rage overcame my enLlre belng, and l Lrled Lo push as many of Lhem as l could
from Lhe 10-fooL ledge. My maln LargeL was Lhe glrls. l wanLed Lo punlsh Lhem for Lalklng Lo Lhe
obnoxlous boys lnsLead of me. lL was one of Lhe mosL foollsh and rash Lhlngs l ever dld, and l almosL
rlsked everyLhlng ln dolng lL, buL l was so drunk wlLh rage LhaL l dldn'L care. l falled Lo push any of Lhem
from Lhe ledge, and Lhe boys sLarLed Lo push me, whlch resulLed ln me belng Lhe one Lo fall onLo Lhe
sLreeL. When l landed, l felL a snap ln my ankle, followed by a sLlnglng paln. l slowly goL up and found
LhaL l couldn'L even walk. l had Lo sLumble, and sLumble l dld. l Lrled Lo geL away from Lhere as fasL as l
could.
As l sLumbled a few yards down uel laya wlLh my shaLLered leg, l reallzed LhaL someone had sLolen
my Cuccl sunglasses LhaL my moLher had glven me. l loved Lhose sunglasses, and had Lo geL Lhem back. l
vehemenLly Lurned around and sLaggered back Lowards Lhe parLy. AL LhaL polnL, l was so drunk LhaL l
forgoL where Lhe parLy was, and ended up walklng onLo Lhe fronL yard of Lhe house nexL Lo lL,
demandlng Lo know who Look my sunglasses. 1he people ln Lhls house musL have been frlends wlLh Lhe
ones l prevlously foughL wlLh, for Lhey greeLed me wlLh vlclous hosLlllLy. 1hey called me names llke
faggoL" and pussy", Lyplcal Lhlngs Lhose Lypes of scumbags would say. A whole group of Lhe obnoxlous
bruLes came up and dragged me onLo Lhelr drlveway, pushlng and hlLLlng me. l wanLed Lo flghL and klll
Lhem all. l managed Lo Lhrow one punch Loward Lhe maln aLLacker, buL LhaL only caused Lhem Lo beaL
me even more. l fell Lo Lhe ground where Lhey sLarLed klcklng me and punchlng me ln Lhe face.
LvenLually, some oLher people from Lhe sLreeL broke up Lhe flghL. l managed Lo have Lhe sLrengLh Lo
sLand up and sLagger away.
lL was Lhe flrsL Llme ln my llfe LhaL l had been Lruly beaLen up physlcally Lo Lhe polnL where my face
was brulsed up. l had suffered a loL of bullylng ln my llfe, buL mosL of lL wasn'L physlcal. l had never been
beaLen and humlllaLed LhaL badly. Lveryone ln lsla vlsLa saw whaL happened, and lL was Lruly horrlflc.
1he worsL parL of Lhls whole ordeal was noL geLLlng beaLen up, oh no. lL was Lhe facL LhaL no one
showed any concern. 1here was only one group who helped me Lo Lhe end of uel laya, buL afLer LhaL
Lhey abandoned me. noL one glrl offered Lo help me as l sLumbled home wlLh a broken leg, beaLen and
bloody. lf glrls had been aLLracLed Lo me, Lhey would have offered Lo walk me Lo my room and Lake care
of me. 1hey would have even offered Lo sleep wlLh me Lo make me feel beLLer. 8uL no, noL one glrl
showed an ounce of concern for me. 1hey dldn'L care. no one cared abouL me. l was all alone.
As l goL Lo my room, l was so LraumaLlzed LhaL l called Lhe only people ln Lhe world l knew, my
parenLs and my slsLer. ?es, l even called my slsLer, someone l never goL along wlLh. l sulked for a long
Llme, and Lhen l reached up Lo my neck Lo feel my speclal golden necklace, and l felL noLhlng Lhere. ln
Lhe mldsL of Lhe flghL, one of Lhose horrlble punks had snaLched off my speclal golden necklace LhaL my
grandma Ah Mah had glven me! 1haL necklace was one of Lhe mosL speclal lLems l had, and now one of
Lhose evll, wreLched Lhugs wlll be selllng lL Lo buy drugs. l broke down ln angulsh and walled ln agony,
crylng and crylng unLll l passed ouL ln my bed, all alone.

When l woke up Lhe nexL mornlng, my leg was ln absoluLe agony. lL was purple and swollen, and l
could noL even sLumble anymore. l had Lo crawl. 8elng fully sober, all of my anxleLy came back. lL
became very clear Lo me whaL had happened. l felL enraged by everyLhlng, buL also fearful LhaL l mlghL
geL ln Lrouble. l dld Lry Lo push glrls off of a ledge and LhreaLened Lo klll all of Lhose people, whlch could
lmpllcaLe me. l had Lo concocL a falrly alLered sLory Lo explaln Lo Lhe pollce, who would lnevlLably have
Lo lnLervlew me once l goL Lo Lhe hosplLal and reporLed my ln[ury.
My faLher drove up Lo SanLa 8arbara Lo brlng me Lo Lhe hosplLal. 1wo pollce dld lnLervlew me, and l
Lold Lhem LhaL Lhose boys dellberaLely pushed me off of Lhe ledge afLer l acLed cocky" Lowards Lhem. l
dldn'L menLlon Lhe glrls aL all. l expressed Lo Lhe pollce of my wlshes LhaL Lhey should all be punlshed for
Lhls. 1he pollce Lhen wenL Lo lnLervlew Lhem, and Lhey had Lhelr own verslon of Lhe sLory. Slnce Lhere
was no acLual evldence, Lhe whole case was shorLly dlsmlssed.
1he physlclan aL Lhe hosplLal puL me ln a Lemporary casL and gave me cruLches. Cn Lop of all oLher
Lhlngs ln Lhe world LhaL made me feel lnferlor, l was now a crlpple. l felL so defeaLed and broken. 1o my
horror, Lhe physlclan sald LhaL l would have Lo be ln cruLches for Lhe nexL slx weeks, and l mlghL have Lo
geL surgery.
1he leg LhaL broke was my lefL leg, so l was sLlll able Lo drlve. ShorLly afLer Lhe lncldenL, l drove home
Lo spend Lhe resL of Lhe summer recoverlng. lL was a depresslng drlve. l had never felL so defeaLed and
wronged ln my llfe. l had acLually gone ouL Lo a parLy ln lsla vlsLa, hoplng LhaL l would be walklng back Lo
my room ln Lrlumph wlLh a beauLlful glrl on my arm, buL lnsLead l sLumbled back Lo my room wlLh a
shaLLered leg and shaLLered hopes.
My 22
nd
8lrLhday was a mlserable experlence. l saL around aL my moLher's house, sLarlng aL my
broken leg, feellng so paLheLlc for belng a crlpple, as well as a 22-year-old vlrgln. My moLher boughL me
a new golden necklace Lo replace Lhe one LhaL was sLolen from me, as she knew how hearLbroken l was
abouL loslng lL.

AA G);-' <.*

1he hlghly un[usL experlence of belng beaLen and humlllaLed ln fronL of everyone ln lsla vlsLa, and
Lhelr subsequenL lack of concern for my well-belng, was Lhe lasL and flnal sLraw. l acLually gave Lhem all
one lasL chance Lo accepL me, Lo glve me a reason noL Lo haLe Lhem, and Lhey devasLaLlngly blew lL back
ln my face. l gave Lhe world Loo many chances. lL was Llme for 8eLrlbuLlon.

l wenL lnLo surgery ln Lhe beglnnlng of AugusL. AfLer vlslLlng Lhe local orLhopedlsL, he recommended
LhaL l have my broken ankle surglcally screwed ln place lnsLead of walLlng for lL Lo heal by lLself. l
declded Lo go Lhrough wlLh lL, [usL so l could be ouL of cruLches sooner. My moLher drove me Lo Lhe
hosplLal early ln Lhe mornlng, and l was wroughL wlLh fear. l had never been Lhrough such a Lhlng ln my
llfe. 1hey puL me Lo sleep wlLh anesLhesla, and when l woke up my leg burned wlLh paln, Lhough Lhe
paln medlcaLlon Lhey ln[ecLed ln me afLerward helped ease Lhls. A new casL was placed on my leg. l
dldn'L even wanL Lo Lhlnk abouL whaL lL looked llke underneaLh. l was Lold LhaL Lhey screwed ln a
LlLanlum plaLe Lo hold Lhe fracLured bone ln place, and lL requlred slx screws. l resLed ln Lhe hosplLal for
a few hours before l was allowed Lo go home, under Lhe lnsLrucLlons LhaL l would have Lo keep my leg
ralsed aL all Llmes for Lhe nexL week.

ShorLly afLer my surgery, my moLher and slsLer wenL on a vacaLlon Lo Pawall. 1hey had been plannlng
Lhls for a long Llme, and of course l refused Lo go wlLh Lhem when Lhey lnlLlally asked me monLhs before.
My moLher dldn'L wanL me Lo sLay ln her house all alone ln Lhe crlppled sLaLe LhaL l was ln. 1aklng care
of Lhe house ln such a condlLlon would be Loo dlfflculL, and Lhere would be no one Lhere Lo provlde
lmmedlaLe asslsLance ln case of an emergency. l asked faLher lf l could sLay aL hls house, buL Soumaya
was havlng some of her relaLlves sLaylng for Lhe summer, so she refused Lo leL me sLay Lhere because lL
would be Loo much for her Lo handle", desplLe Lhe facL LhaL faLher's house had slx bedrooms and
plenLy of space for me Lo occupy. laLher, of course, gave ln Lo Soumaya's rules as he always had. My
respecL for hlm was already so low LhaL lL couldn'L geL any lower because of Lhls.
uue Lo Lhls llLLle dlfflculLy, my moLher booked me a hoLel room aL LxLended SLay Amerlca ln Woodland
Pllls. l was conLenL wlLh Lhls. 1he hoLel was comforLable enough, and my moLher sLocked me wlLh a loL of
food for Lhe week LhaL l would be Lhere. lL provlded a nlce aLmosphere Lo recover from Lhe horrlflc
experlences l had [usL recenLly endured. 1he only Lhlng l dlsllked abouL Lhls hoLel was LhaL lL was locaLed
rlghL across Lhe sLreeL from 1afL Plgh School, so whenever l looked ouL Lhe wlndow l saw a place LhaL
had caused me greaL sufferlng ln Lhe dlsLanL pasL. l LhoughL abouL Lhe bullylng l recelved aL 1afL,
and ln a way my experlence Lhere was qulLe slmllar Lo whaL had [usL happened Lo me on LhaL faLeful
nlghL ln lsla vlsLa. l was bullled by Lhugs, and Lhe glrls adored Lhe bullles lnsLead of me. lndeed, a very
slmllar scenarlo.
Cnly now, l was ready and capable of flghLlng back agalnsL Lhe cruelLy of women. 8ack when l was a
weak and Llmld boy aL 1afL Plgh School, l was powerless and frlghLened, havlng Lo resorL Lo hldlng ln a
llfe of playlng vldeo games. All of Lhe sufferlng, lonellness, re[ecLlon, and humlllaLlon l had Lo experlence
slnce Lhen had sLrengLhened me. 1he haLred LhaL fesLered lnslde me ln all of Lhose years leadlng up Lo
Lhls polnL had empowered me ln a dark, LwlsLed way. l was now armed wlLh weapons, possessed greaL
lnLelllgence and phllosophlcal lnslghL, wlLh Lhe wlllpower Lo exacL Lhe mosL caLasLrophlc acL of
vengeance Lhe world wlll ever see.

l spenL Lhe nexL week ln LhaL hoLel room broodlng abouL Lhe ln[usLlces of llfe and my place ln Lhe
world. lL fully dawned on me LhaL l would now have Lo brlng abouL Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon. 1here was no
oLher hope. l mused LhaL once l descend upon lsla vlsLa, armed wlLh my weapons and my burnlng
haLred, l would deflnlLely make sure Lo LargeL Lhe people who llved ln LhaL house l was aLLacked ln. 1he
plan was Lo desLroy Lhe enLlreLy of lsla vlsLa, and klll every slngle person ln lL, or aL leasL klll as many
popular young people l could before Lhe pollce arrlve and l'd have Lo klll myself.
l felL so shocked and overwhelmed upon reallzlng LhaL lL was deflnlLely golng Lo resorL Lo Lhls. l was
golng Lo dle soon, and LhaL ln lLself was hard Lo accepL. l dldn'L wanL Lo dle, buL l would have no cholce.
vengeance ls Lhe only paLh, all oLher paLhs had been closed shuL. l LhoughL lL Lo be such a Lragedy LhaL l
was acLually golng Lo wage war agalnsL women and all of humanlLy. 8uL Lhen agaln, women's re[ecLlon
of me was a declaraLlon of war. 1hey lnsulLed me by deemlng me lnferlor of Lhelr love and sex. 1hey
haLe me, and l wlll reLurn LhaL haLred one-Lhousand fold. l wlll lnfllcL sufferlng on everyone ln lsla vlsLa,
[usL llke Lhey have made me suffer. ln Lhe pasL, l have always been aL Lhelr mercy, and l was glven none.
Cn Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon, everyone wlll be aL my mercy, and ln Lurn l wlll show Lhem no mercy aL all.
My 8eLrlbuLlon wlll be so devasLaLlng LhaL lL wlll shake Lhe very foundaLlons of Lhe world.
My broken leg was a seLback, of course. Lven wlLh surgery, l'd have Lo be ln cruLches for slx weeks,
and even afLer LhaL lL would Lake a whlle Lo be able Lo walk normally agaln. l flgured l won'L be walklng
normally unLll CcLober. 1here was no way l'd be well enough Lo prepare for Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon by
november. 1here was Loo llLLle Llme. l made a new plan Lo seL Lhe ulLlmaLe and flnal daLe for Lhe uay of
8eLrlbuLlon Lo be aL Lhe end of Lhe Sprlng of 2014. 1hls would glve me plenLy of Llme Lo prepare. 1he
uay of 8eLrlbuLlon was now my whole reason for llvlng. lL's all l have Lo llve for. 1hls acL of deadly
vengeance agalnsL Lhe people who have wronged me ls my sole purpose on Lhls world. l needed as
much Llme as posslble ln order Lo plan lL efflclenLly.
osLponlng Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon also gave me a few more monLhs of llfe. erhaps l would also use
LhaL Llme Lo look for a way ouL. l have always been lLchlng for a way ouL of Lhls, and even wlLh Lhe
recenL evenLs LhaL had occurred, a small parL of me sLlll clung Lo LhaL lnkllng of hope.

Cavln came Lo vlslL me aL Lhe hoLel, and he was welcome company. lL was really geLLlng lonely Lhere,
Lhough lL was deflnlLely beLLer Lhan belng lonely ln lsla vlsLa. 1he Lwo of us saL down for Lhree hours ln
my hoLel room Lo have an lmporLanL conversaLlon. l explalned Lo hlm my flnely alLered verslon of
everyLhlng LhaL happened on LhaL nlghL ln lsla vlsLa. Pe dldn'L seem surprlsed. When he was my age, he
used Lo go up Lo lsla vlsLa qulLe ofLen. Pe Lold me LhaL Lhe klnd of bruLal, rowdy aLmosphere l've
wlLnessed was parL of Lhe culLure Lhere. 1he bolsLerous, wlld fraL boys geL all of Lhe beauLlful glrls, and
everyone ls looklng for a flghL, llke Lhe vlclous anlmals Lhey are. Pe sald lL was a LruLh l had Lo accepL,
advlslng me Lo move ouL of Lhere. l couldn'L accepL Lhls LruLh, because lL was un[usL. l couldn'L leL such
evll exlsL, and l wlll noL run away from lL by movlng ouL of Lhere. l wlll elLher Lhrlve Lhere, or desLroy Lhe
place uLLerly. Slnce l falled Lo Lhrlve Lhere, l had no cholce buL Lo plan my 8eLrlbuLlon.

When my moLher came back from Pawall, l wenL Lo sLay aL her house for Lhe nexL monLh, unLll my leg
healed enough for me Lo lose Lhe cruLches. l dldn'L wanL Lo go back Lo SanLa 8arbara whlle sLlll ln
cruLches, lL would be Loo humlllaLlng, and l had felL humlllaLed enough Lhere already.
lor Lhe flrsL week afLer surgery, my leg suffered lnLense searlng paln, Lhough LhaL searlng paln was
noLhlng compared Lo Lhe haLred LhaL burned ln my hearL. uurlng LhaL Llme, l could barely leave my bed,
because whenever l dld, Lhe blood rushed Lo my leg and Lrlggered Lhe paln. lor Lhe enLlre Llme LhaL l
was ln Lhe hoLel, l sLayed ln my bed llke a vegeLable. AfLer LhaL lnlLlal week, Lhe paln subslded, and l was
able Lo move abouL on my cruLches wlLh greaLer ease. l ofLen dld laps around my moLher's backyard as a
way of venLlng my anger, someLlmes swlnglng my cruLches around as lf Lhey were swords, slashlng aL all
of Lhe enemles who had wronged me ln llfe.
1he monLh LhaL l spenL aL moLher's house was very relaxlng, and l Lrled my besL Lo calm myself down
as Llme passed. l spenL a loL of Llme waLchlng movles, readlng books, lnLrospecLlng, and conLemplaLlng
abouL llfe. l sLayed ln Lhe house all Lhe Llme, for l desplsed havlng Lo go ouL and be seen as a crlpple. l
already felL lnsecure enough abouL myself for belng a lonely vlrgln. 8elng seen as a crlpple was Loo much
salL on Lhe wound.
Cavln came Lo vlslL me agaln, and Lhls Llme we saL ln my moLher's dlnlng room Lo have yeL anoLher
lmporLanL conversaLlon abouL my llfe and where l was golng. Pe Lrled Lo advlse me agaln Lo move ouL of
lsla vlsLa, buL l refused Lo hear lL. l moved Lo lsla vlsLa wlLh Lhe goal of loslng my vlrglnlLy and aLLalnlng
Lhe llfe l deslre. lf l'm unable Lo have lL, l wlll desLroy lL. l wlll never run away ln defeaL.
My parenLs arranged for us Lo have a conference wlLh my sychlaLrlsL, ur. Charles Sophy. l seL ouL wlLh
my moLher Lo meeL faLher ouLslde ur. Sophy's house ln 8everly Pllls, and when we goL Lhere we were
surprlsed Lo see LhaL Soumaya had come for Lhe conference Loo. 1hls presenLed a confllcL, because
Soumaya and my moLher had recenLly had an argumenL due Lo Soumaya refuslng Lo leL me sLay aL
faLher's house durlng my moLher's Lrlp Lo Pawall. lor more Lhan half of Lhe conversaLlon, Lhe docLor
spenL Llme resolvlng Lhls peLLy confllcL lnsLead of addresslng Lhe Lroubles LhaL l was golng Lhrough.
When we flnally dld geL Lo my slLuaLlon, ur. Sophy ended up glvlng me Lhe same useless advlce LhaL
every oLher psychlaLrlsL, psychologlsL, and counsellor had glven me ln Lhe pasL. l don'L know why my
parenLs wasLed money on Lherapy, as lL wlll never help me ln my sLruggle agalnsL such a cruel and un[usL
world. 1he docLor ended up dlsmlsslng lL by prescrlblng me a conLroverslal medlcaLlon, 8lsperldone.
AfLer researchlng Lhls medlcaLlon, l found LhaL lL was Lhe absoluLe wrong Lhlng for me Lo Lake. l refused
Lo Lake lL, and l never saw ur. Sophy agaln afLer LhaL.
1owards Lhe end of Lhe monLh, my moLher lnvlLed Maddy and Mo Pumpreys over for dlnner. MoLher
had recenLly been reconnecLlng wlLh her old frlend Mo. Maddy had [usL graduaLed from uSC, a
unlverslLy renowned for lLs abundance of spolled, braLLy sLudenLs who parLled all Lhe Llme, very slmllar
Lo uCS8. l ofLen call uSC Lhe unlverslLy of Spolled CunLs", [usL llke l call uCS8 Lhe unlverslLy of
Callfornla's Spolled 8raLs". 8rllllanL, flLLlng nlcknames! 8efore Maddy came, l sLalked her lacebook for a
blL, and l saw LhaL she was Lhe exacL lmage of everyLhlng l haLed ln women. She was a popular, spolled
uSC glrl who parLled wlLh her hoL, beauLlful blonde-halred cllque of frlends. All of Lhem looked llke
absoluLe cunLs, and my haLred for Lhem all grew from each plcLure l saw on her proflle. 1hey were Lhe
klnd of beauLlful, popular people who llved pleasurable llves and would look down on me as lnferlor
scum, never accepLlng me as one of Lhem. 1hey were my /"/@,/(. 1hey represenLed everyLhlng LhaL
was wrong wlLh Lhls world. Maddy was my flrsL frlend ln Amerlca. As a chlld, l played wlLh her as an
equal. now she was my /"/@+. l would Lake greaL dellghL ln LorLurlng and flaylng her and every slngle
one of her spolled, obnoxlous evll frlends. When she and her moLher came Lo eaL dlnner wlLh us, l had
Lo keep calm as l hobbled ouL of my room on my cruLches Lo greeL Lhem.
1haL relaxlng monLh aL moLher's was llke Lhe comforL before Lhe sLorm. Cnce l go back Lo SanLa
8arbara, fully recovered, Lhe flnal dark chapLer of my llfe wlll commence. l dreaded whaL wlll come of lL.

AfLer slx weeks of hobbllng abouL on cruLches whenever l had Lo go somewhere, l vlslLed my
orLhopedlsL, asklng lf lL was flnally Llme for me Lo walk wlLhouL Lhem. AfLer examlnlng my leg, he agreed
LhaL l can proceed Lo a walklng casL". 1hls would enable me Lo llmp around, wlLhouL cruLches, Lhough l
would have Lo use a cane. 1hough uncomforLable, lL was much, much beLLer Lhan havlng Lo go abouL on
Lhose damnable cruLches. When l goL home, l dellghLedly pracLlced movlng around wlLh Lhls new seLup.
8efore long, my moLher sald l was now well enough Lo reLurn Lo SanLa 8arbara. My new college
classes were sLarLlng soon anyway, Lhough she dldn'L know LhaL l had only slgned up for onllne classes
for Lhe AuLumn semesLer ouL of fear LhaL l mlghL have Lo sLarL college whlle sLlll crlppled. She had grown
Llred of havlng Lo deal wlLh me, as she always was ln Lhe pasL. l spenL a few more days aL moLher's wlLh
my walklng casL and cane before she made me go back Lo SanLa 8arbara, Lelllng me l can reLurn Lo vlslL
ln Lwo weeks.

l made my omlnous drlve back Lo SanLa 8arbara, and as l drove l LhoughL abouL all of Lhe ln[usLlces l
had Lo face ln Lhe lasL Lwo years l had spenL Lhere. ln[usLlces LhaL had never been seL rlghL. now was Lhe
Llme Lo seL Lhem rlghL. now was Lhe Llme for 8eLrlbuLlon.
When l goL back Lo my aparLmenL, l saw LhaL my housemaLes Chrls and !on had moved ouL. A plLy, as
Lhey were Lhe mosL pleasanL housemaLes l could have hoped for. l feared whaL my new ones would be
llke, and l was Lold Lhey would be comlng ln a few weeks. l had Lhe place Lo myself for LhaL perlod, whlch
sulLed me well. l refused Lo leave my room aL all unLll l was able Lo aL leasL lose my walklng casL. l spenL
Lhe Llme dolng Lhe same Lhlng l dld aL moLher's house. l waLched a loL of movles, and saL around
conLemplaLlng my fuLure.

upon my vlslL home, l wenL Lo see my orLhopedlsL for one lasL Llme, and he Lold me l can flnally walk
wlLhouL any casL around my leg, Lhough l would need Lhe cane for a few more weeks. l was conLenL wlLh
Lhls, as l dldn'L mlnd Lhe cane LhaL much. lL had a pecullar elegance abouL lL.

Cn LhaL same weekend, l meL up wlLh hlllp and Addlson. We had been plannlng Lo meeL durlng Lhe
summer, buL l had Lo posLpone lL because of my Lerrlble ln[ury. l Look Lhem ouL ln my faLher's Mercedes
Suv, and we wenL on anoLher one of our advenLures around Los Angeles. llrsL, we wenL Lo an exqulslLe
!apanese resLauranL on SunseL 8oulevard ln WesL Pollywood. l was Lhankful l dldn'L see any young
couples my age Lhere, mosL of Lhem were older Lhan us. AfLerwards, we wenL Lo CrlfflLh ark
CbservaLory, under hlllp's suggesLlon. Colng Lhere broughL back memorles, boLh good and bad. lL was
ever a LradlLlon for Lhe Lhree of us Lo go Lhere, as we had been so many Llmes. 1he place provlded an
expanslve vlew of Lhe clLy of L.A. AL nlghL lL was absoluLely exqulslLe. 1he CrlfflLh ark CbservaLory was
Lruly a wondrous place Lo admlre Lhe beauLy of Lhe world. buL Lhe whole experlence was rulned, of
course, by Lhe slghL of so many young couples klsslng Lhere, rlghL under Lhe sLars. 1hose boys musL have
been ln heaven, Lo experlence such a place wlLh Lhelr beauLlful glrlfrlends.
Seelng all of Lhose young couples aL CrlfflLh ark fllled me wlLh rage for Lhe resL of Lhe nlghL. lL
remlnded me of Lhe ln[usLlces l have Lo face ln llfe, and my war agalnsL lL all. When l drove down Lhe hlll
from Lhe CbservaLory, l saw more young couples walklng around, and l had Lhe deslre Lo run Lhem over
wlLh Lhe Mercedes as a sweeL acL of revenge. l already planned Lo use Lhe Mercedes Suv as one of my
weapons on Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon, slnce lsla vlsLa on weekend nlghLs was always fllled wlLh my
enemles walklng rlghL ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe road. 1hey would be easy LargeLs.
AfLer Lhe dlsasLrous experlence aL CrlfflLh ark, we declded Lo Lake a laLe nlghL Lrlp all Lhe way Lo alos
verdes, [usL Lo admlre Lhe scenery. l had never been down Lhere, and Addlson Lold me lL was a peaceful,
quleL, and exqulslLe place LhaL provlded an exLraordlnary vlew. When we arrlved aL a beach park ln alos
verdes LhaL overlooked Lhe ocean, hlllp had fallen asleep, so lL was [usL me and Addlson who wenL ouL
Lo walk around. l Look an lnsLanL llklng Lo Lhe place, and explored lL as much as l could, even Lhough l was
sLlll llmplng wlLh my cane. As Lhe Lwo of us looked up aL Lhe sLars, we had a few lnslghLful conversaLlons.
Addlson Lold me more abouL hls experlences among Lhe popular klds of Mallbu, ln whlch l sLlll envled hlm
greaLly for. l Lold hlm abouL all of my newfound phllosophlcal vlews regardlng women, and how l belleve
Lhey are menLally flawed and need Lo be conLalned. Pe dldn'L show any hlnL of how he felL abouL Lhls.
Addlson Lold me LhaL l was a person of hlgh lnLelllgence, and LhaL l shouldn'L wasLe lL by dolng someLhlng
rash". l belleve he had a susplclon LhaL l was lndeed plannlng on
massacrlng my enemles and Lhen kllllng myself. Cf course he would have LhaL susplclon. ln a way l Lhlnk
he knew me beLLer Lhan anyone else. l am lndeed an lnLelllgenL person, buL Lhe cruelLy of Lhls world
glves me no cholce buL Lo exacL my 8eLrlbuLlon. l LacLfully Lold Addlson LhaL l had no lnLenLlons of dolng
anyLhlng sLupld". 1haL was my lasL conversaLlon wlLh hlm. lL was also Lhe lasL Llme l ever saw hlllp and
Addlson.

l also wenL Lo meeL wlLh my faLher's frlend uale Launer on LhaL weekend. uale Launer ls a successful
Pollywood screenwrlLer and producer who owns a nlce house ln Lhe aclflc allsades. uale and my
faLher have been frlends for many years. When l was a chlld, faLher someLlmes Look me Lo dlnner
parLles aL hls house. l hadn'L seen uale slnce l was a chlld, buL wlLhln Lhe lasL few monLhs l began Lo
have emall conversaLlons wlLh hlm afLer he found ouL l was havlng Lrouble wlLh glrls. Pe wanLed Lo help
me overcome my Lroubles because he ls a so-called experL wlLh women. Pe even showed me plcLures of
all of Lhe gorgeous women he has daLed ln hls llfe, and Lhere were a loL of Lhem. 1hls man Lruly 2,3/#.
A few men who are successful wlLh women have offered me help and advlce abouL Lhls ln Lhe pasL,
buL noLhlng ever came of lL. l suppose Lhey wanL Lo help because lL would be a boosL Lo Lhelr already blg
egos, and also because Lhey feel sorry for me. eople should feel sorry for me. My llfe ls so paLheLlc, and
l haLe Lhe world for forclng me Lo suffer lL. l feel sorry for myself.
ln LruLh, Lhere ls noLhlng men llke uale can really do Lo help me aLLracL glrls and lose my vlrglnlLy. 1hey
can'L mlnd-conLrol glrls Lo be aLLracLed Lo me. lL's all glrls' faulL for noL havlng any sexual aLLracLlon
Lowards me. My brlef frlendshlp wlLh uale would, however, spark a few more lnLeresLlng emall
conversaLlons where l conflde Lo hlm abouL how cruel l Lhlnk women are by naLure. Pe would only be
amused by Lhls. Cf course he would be amused. Women were never cruel Lo ),@. 1hey gave hlm sex and
love all hls llfe.

l had an argumenL wlLh Soumaya whlle l was vlslLlng faLher's house. lL sLarLed when she began Lo
boasL LhaL my broLher !azz was recenLly slgned by an agenL Lo acL ln 1.v. commerclals. She sald LhaL by
Lhe Llme he ls my age, he wlll be a successful acLor. l Lalked abouL how !azz was already so soclally savvy
for hls age, and how l've always envled hlm for lL. She Lold me he wlll never have any problems wlLh
glrls, and wlll lose hls vlrglnlLy whlle he's young. l had Lo slL Lhere and llsLen Lo Lhe blLch Lell me LhaL my
llLLle broLher wlll grow up en[oylng Lhe llfe l've always craved for, buL mlssed ouL on. lL ls very unfalr how
some boys are able Lo llve such pleasurable llves whlle l never had any LasLe of lL, and now lL has been
conflrmed Lo me LhaL my llLLle broLher wlll become one of Lhem. Pe wlll become a popular kld who geLs
all Lhe glrls. Clrls wlll love hlm. Pe wlll become one of my enemles.
1haL was Lhe day LhaL l declded l would have Lo klll hlm on Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon. l wlll noL allow Lhe
boy Lo surpass me aL everyLhlng, Lo llve Lhe llfe l've always wanLed. lL's noL falr LhaL he has Lhe chance Lo
have a pleasurable llfe whlle l've been denled lL. lL wlll be a hard Lhlng Lo do, because l had really
bonded wlLh my llLLle broLher ln Lhe lasL year, and he respecLed and looked up Lo me. 8uL l would have
Lo do lL. lf l can'L llve a pleasurable llfe, Lhen nelLher wlll he! l wlll noL leL hlm puL my legacy Lo shame.
ln order Lo klll !azz, l would have Lo klll Soumaya Loo, buL LhaL wlll be easy. All l would need Lo do ls
Lhlnk abouL all of Lhe hurLful Lhlngs she had sald Lo me ln LhaL pasL as l plunge my knlfe lnLo her neck.
8uL whaL lf faLher ls ln Lhe house Lo sLop me? 07:2# % )'3/ -7 B,22 ),@ -776 1haL would be Loo much. l
remember, when l was a chlld, l had dreams abouL my faLher dylng, and l woke up crylng Lo my moLher,
ln whlch she would comforL me and Lell me LhaL lL was [usL a dream. Pow could my llfe have resorLed Lo
Lhe polnL where l am Lhe one Lo klll my own faLher? l felL slck Lo my sLomach.
l concluded LhaL l would have Lo seL Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon durlng a Llme when my faLher ls ouL of Lhe
counLry, on one of hls buslness Lrlps. lL would be Loo rlsky Lo Lry Lo klll hlm. l mlghL heslLaLe aL Lhe lasL
second.
When l LhoughL abouL all of Lhls, l Lruly dld feel slck. l felL a shlver run Lhrough me. My whole world
had become so LwlsLed and wrong. l dldn'L wanL lL Lo come Lo Lhls. l desperaLely wanLed a way ouL.

1o make me feel more confldenL, my moLher provlded me wlLh a beLLer car Lo drlve ln SanLa 8arbara,
a 8MW 3 serles Coupe. l had always wanLed Lhls, slnce l cared a loL abouL my appearance. l had been
asklng my parenLs for a more upper-class car ever slnce l found ouL LhaL Lhere was a car hlerarchy, and
LhaL some sLudenLs aL my college drove beLLer cars Lhan oLhers. now l was one of Lhe sLudenLs wlLh a
beLLer, hlgh-class car.
Pavlng a nlcer car Lhan mosL oLher sLudenLs my age dld lndeed make me feel more confldenL. MoLher
should have boughL Lhls car for me when l flrsL moved Lo SanLa 8arbara. lL made me feel beLLer abouL
golng ouL more whlle l was Lhere. 1hls, coupled wlLh my newly healed leg, gave me one lasL Lwlnge of
hope as Lhe remalnlng monLhs of 2013 passed.

lor Lhose lasL remalnlng monLhs, my exLreme desperaLlon and deslre for happlness Look hold of me,
knowlng full well how my llfe wlll Lurn ouL lf l don'L geL whaL l wanL. l wenL ouL every slngle day, [usL Lo
puL myself ouL Lhere ln Lhe world ln order Lo see whaL opporLunlLles arlse. l explored Lhe enLlreLy of
SanLa 8arbara and MonLeclLo, and lL fully dawned on me whaL a beauLlful envlronmenL l had been llvlng
ln. Powever, a beauLlful envlronmenL ls Lhe darkesL hell lf l have Lo experlence lL all alone. 1haL facL LhaL
l had wasLed Lhe lasL Lwo years ln such a beauLlful place fllled me wlLh angulsh. l LhoughL abouL whaL an
en[oyable llfe l could have had, lf only glrls were aLLracLed Lo me.

1wo new housemaLes moved lnLo my aparLmenL for Lhe AuLumn semesLer. 1hey were Lwo forelgn
Aslan sLudenLs who aLLended uCS8. 1hese were Lhe blggesL nerds l had ever seen, and Lhey were boLh
very ugly wlLh annoylng volces. My lasL Lwo housemaLes, Chrls and !on, were nerds as well, buL aL leasL
Lhey were frlendly and pleasanL. 1hese Lwo new ones were uLLerly repulslve, and one of Lhem had a very
rebelllous demeanor abouL hlm. Pe wenL ouL of hls way Lo sLarL argumenLs wlLh me whenever l ralsed
Lhe lssue of Lhe nolse he made. Pell, even llvlng wlLh Spencer was more pleasanL Lhan Lhese Lwo ldloLs. l
knew LhaL when Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon came, l would have Lo klll my housemaLes Lo geL Lhem ouL of Lhe
way. lf Lhey were pleasanL Lo llve wlLh, l would regreL havlng Lo klll Lhem, buL due Lo Lhelr behavlor l
now had no regreLs abouL such a prospecL. ln facL, l'd even en[oy sLabblng Lhem boLh Lo deaLh whlle
Lhey slepL.

l was asslgned a new counsellor Lo meeL wlLh me every week ln SanLa 8arbara, slnce karlln and Sasha
no longer worked for LhaL company. My new counsellor was named 8oberL, a uCS8 sLudenL who ls one
year older Lhan me. l had coffee wlLh hlm a few Llmes, and we wenL volunLeerlng LogeLher Lwlce, ln an
efforL Lo geL me ouL of my room and dolng acLlvlLles. noLhlng conduclve Lo aLLalnlng Lhe llfe l deslre
came ouL of Lhese meeLlngs, buL Lhe soclal lnLeracLlon he provlded was pleasanL, and lL gave me an
ouLleL Lo express myself.

l vlslLed my moLher's house qulLe ofLen ln Lhe AuLumn. 1o my exLreme rage, l dlscovered LhaL my
slsLer now had a boyfrlend, and LhaL she had losL her vlrglnlLy. She had casually daLed" boys ln Lhe pasL,
buL never Lo Lhe serlous exLenL LhaL she dld wlLh Lhls one. 1hls one was a half WhlLe, half Mexlcan
named Samuel, and l lmmedlaLely Look an lnLense dlsllklng Lo hlm when l was flrsL lnLroduced Lo hlm. Pe
seemed llke Lhe Lyplcal obnoxlous slob LhaL mosL young glrls are sexually aLLracLed Lo. Ceorgla lnvlLed
hlm Lo my moLher's house all Lhe Llme, and lL angered me Lo waLch hlm lurklng abouL, eaLlng my
moLher's food and drlnks, and maklng use of my moLher's house. Pe was freeloadlng off my moLher,
and she dldn'L even reallze lL.
l evenLually grew Lo haLe hlm afLer l heard hlm havlng sex wlLh my slsLer. l arrlved aL Lhe house one
day, my moLher belng aL work, and heard Lhe sounds of Samuel plunglng hls penls lnLo my slsLer's vaglna
Lhrough her closed room door, along wlLh my slsLer's moans. l sLood Lhere and llsLened Lo lL all. So my
slsLer, who was four years younger Lhan me, managed Lo lose her vlrglnlLy before l dld. lL remlnded me
of how paLheLlc l was, LhaL aL Lhe age of LwenLy-Lwo, l was sLlll a vlrgln. l haLed her boyfrlend as well. My
slsLer sald LhaL he's been wlLh oLher glrls before her, and l'm sure he losL hls vlrglnlLy aL a much younger
age. lL ls such an ln[usLlce. 1he slob doesn'L even have a car, and he ls able Lo geL glrlfrlends, whlle l drlve
a 8MW and geL no aLLenLlon from any glrls whaLsoever.
My slsLer even showed me a plcLure of one of hls ex-glrlfrlends, a preLLy bruneLLe whlLe glrl. My
haLred Lowards hlm only lnLenslfled afLer LhaL. l refused Lo speak Lo hlm whenever he came over, and l
consLanLly pesLered my moLher Lo ban hlm from Lhe house, buL she refused Lo heed my demands. Lven
worse, she consLanLly Lalked abouL hlm admlrlngly. Pe remlnded me of Leo 8ubenhelm, a Lyplcal
obnoxlous boy who has been able Lo experlence a greaL sex llfe from a young age. An enemy had now
lnfllLraLed Lhe household of my moLher, Lhe one place ln Lhe whole world where l've always soughL
refuge from ln[usLlce. 1hlngs were geLLlng Loo ouL of hand.

Crandma !lnx came Lo vlslL faLher's house ln laLe CcLober. When she lasL vlslLed, she resolved an
lnLense confllcL beLween me, my faLher, and Soumaya. ln a way, Lhls recenL vlslL paralleled Lhe lasL one,
slnce l was havlng confllcLs wlLh Soumaya Lhls Llme as well, [usL noL Lo Lhe same exLreme.
l wenL over Lo faLher's house Lo see my grandmoLher. She suggesLed LhaL l Lake her ouL for a coffee,
and l knew [usL Lhe place. l Look her Lo 8arnes & noble aL Lhe Calabasas Commons, a place of greaL
slgnlflcance ln my pasL. Whlle Lhere, l showed her all of Lhe spoLs l had spenL Llme aL years ago.
AfLerward, before l sald my goodbye, a feellng of sadness swepL over me, as l knew LhaL was mosL llkely
Lhe flnal farewell.

Cn Palloween, l found lL hard Lo belleve how fasL Llme had gone by. l remember how on Lhe lasL
Palloween l had consldered exacLlng my 8eLrlbuLlon on Lhls very day. 1lme lndeed wlll lnevlLably pass,
and soon enough my faLe wlll have Lo be declded. l wenL home Lo my moLher's on Palloween, of course.
l wouldn'L be able Lo sLand belng alone ln my lsla vlsLa room whlle all of LhaL parLylng happened around
me. lL was Lhe exacL same scenarlo as lasL year. ln Lhe afLernoon, l saw a new psychologlsL, ur. 8andy
Cold. ln LruLh, he was my old psychologlsL whom l vlslLed brlefly when l was only LhlrLeen. 1haL was back
when my llfe was [usL sLarLlng Lo fall lnLo Lhls dark paLh, and now l was sLlll ln Lhe same poslLlon, excepL
LhaL Lhe dark paLh was soon golng Lo reach lLs cllmacLlc end. AfLer my Lherapy sesslon, l goL drunk ln my
moLher's hoL Lub, Lrylng noL Lo Lhlnk abouL all of Lhe fun and sex LhaL oLher young people were havlng
LhaL nlghL.
noLhlng came ouL of my desperaLe ouLlngs ln SanLa 8arbara durlng Lhe lasL monLhs of 2013. Clrls sLlll
dldn'L show any lnLeresL ln me. l drove Lo S8CC a loL, even Lhough l was only slgned up for onllne classes.
Whlle Lhere, l saw oLher boys who had lnferlor cars drlvlng around wlLh hoL glrls ln Lhelr passenger
seaLs. l have a 8MW and never had any hoL glrl ln my passenger seaL. noL once. lL only made me fume
wlLh rage. SanLa 8arbara was such a beauLlful Lown, buL l could go nowhere wlLhouL belng lnsulLed by
my enemles. 1he mere slghL of Lhem en[oylng Lhelr happy llves was an lnsulL Lo me, because l #/(/43/ ,-
@74/ -)'" -)/@.
Cne place of refuge l ofLen wenL Lo was Lhe Coffee 8ean ln MonLeclLo. lL was locaLed ln a beauLlful
llLLle Lown cenLer, and mosL of Lhe couples Lhere were older Lhan me. lL provlded a quleL and peaceful
place for me Lo conLemplaLe and brood.

Cn Lhe eve of my lasL day ln SanLa 8arbara, before l wenL home for Lhe wlnLer break, l wenL Lo Lhe
Sandplper Colf Course ln ColeLa Lo waLch Lhe sunseL. lL was my usual sunseL spoL, and on LhaL evenlng
Lhe shape of Lhe clouds on Lhe horlzon made lL excepLlonally beauLlful. l basked ln lLs radlance as l sLood
Lhere, wonderlng wlLh despalr how a world so beauLlful could be so cruel. And Lhen, one flnal lnsulL
came along, as lf Lhe world was Laklng one lasL splLeful lash aL me. A young couple came and sLood near
me, maklng ouL wlLh each oLher as Lhey waLched Lhe very same sunseL. 1here were loLs of oLher people
Lhere as well, for lL was qulLe a unlque sunseL. All of Lhem musL have had LhoughLs of admlraLlon
Lowards Lhe couple, and LhoughLs of conLempL Lowards me because l was all alone and unwanLed. l
have llved such an unnaLural llfe, devold of love, sex, and pleasure. WaLchlng sunseLs was one of Lhe few
[oys l had lefL, and now LhaL Loo was Laken from me. Pow can l en[oy a sunseL anymore, knowlng LhaL
oLher men geL Lo en[oy Lhem wlLh Lhelr beauLlful glrlfrlends aL Lhelr slde? 1here was no more llfe for me
Lo llve.

uurlng Lhe wlnLer break, l was able Lo experlence one flnal resplLe before 2014 came, Lhe year my sad
sLory wlll aL lasL come Lo lLs Lraglc end. My moLher and slsLer planned anoLher Lrlp Lo Lngland aL Lhe end
of uecember, Lhls Llme for Lwo weeks. lor Lhose Lwo weeks, l sLayed aL my moLher's house by myself,
Laklng advanLage of Lhe Llme Lo have one lasL perlod of relaxaLlon and peace.
1hey declded Lo Lake my slsLer's boyfrlend Samuel Lo Lngland wlLh Lhem, and upon hearlng Lhls l
became very lnfurlaLed. Samuel was my enemy, someone who has en[oyed a happy llfe of sex whlle l
have sLarved for years. And now my own moLher was paylng for hls LlckeL Lo Lngland, someLhlng he
doesn'L deserve. l felL so beLrayed by my moLher because of Lhls. She should have been more
conslderaLe for how l would feel. l am her son, and she should be on my slde. 8uL Lhen agaln, my moLher
ls a woman, and women are all menLally lll. 1here was no way she could posslbly undersLand my polnL of
vlew.
l aLLended my faLher's ChrlsLmas parLy durlng Lhls wlnLer break. AL Lhe parLy, l ran lnLo karl
Champley. l hadn'L seen hlm slnce he hlred me Lo work on hls house years ago, and lL was nlce Lo speak
wlLh hlm agaln. l felL very blLLer and ashamed, havlng Lo appear Lo all of my faLher's frlends as Lhe same
awkward, unwanLed ouLcasL l had always been. Some of Lhem asked me abouL my llfe ln SanLa 8arbara,
and a few even asked lf l had a glrlfrlend. l had Lo suffer havlng Lo Lell Lhem LhaL no, l don'L have a
glrlfrlend because glrls are noL aLLracLed Lo me. l wlshed l could Lell Lhem all LhaL l had an amazlng llfe
Lhere, wlLh a glrlfrlend who would be wlLh me aL LhaL very parLy. l wlsh l could have made Lhem all
proud of me, buL of course, l had noLhlng abouL me Lo be proud of. 1he only solace l had for LhaL shame
was Lhe knowledge LhaL l wlll soon recLlfy everyLhlng on Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon.
My moLher Lold me LhaL l can have one boLLle of wlne from her panLry whlle she was away, and on
new ?ear's Lve l chose Lo open Lhe besL one ln Lhe loL, a flne vlnLage LhaL l slowly slpped LhroughouL Lhe
nlghL as l sLayed aL my moLher's house, all alone. l knew LhaL oLher young popular people were havlng
Lhe Llme of Lhelr llves LhaL nlghL, parLylng Lhe nlghL away. As l slpped my wlne alone, ln Lhe moonllL
darkness of my moLher's backyard, l assured myself LhaL soon l wlll have my revenge on all of Lhose
young popular people. J77"I
AfLer a resLless sleep, l arose from my bed early on new ?ear's uay, 2014. 1hls was Lhe flnal year. 1hls
was Lhe year ln whlch everyLhlng wlll come Lo a close. ln Lhls year, l wlll flnally have my closure, my
vengeance, my reLrlbuLlon! My whole Lraglc llfe had led Lo Lhls, and l was ready.

l had been re[ecLed, lnsulLed, humlllaLed, casL ouL, bullled, sLarved, LorLured, and rldlculed for far Loo
long. PumanlLy ls a cruel and bruLal specles, and Lhe only Lhlng l could do Lo even Lhe score was Lo
reLurn LhaL cruelLy one-Lhousand fold. Women's re[ecLlon of me ls a declaraLlon of war, and lf lL's war
Lhey wanL, Lhen war Lhey shall have. lL wlll be a war LhaL wlll resulL ln Lhelr compleLe and uLLer
annlhllaLlon. l wlll dellver a blow Lo my enemles LhaL wlll be so caLasLrophlc lL wlll redeflne Lhe very
essence of human naLure.
lL was Llme Lo ploL exacLly whaL l wlll do on Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon. l wlll be a god, punlshlng women
and all of humanlLy for Lhelr depravlLy. l wlll flnely dellver Lo Lhem all of Lhe paln and sufferlng Lhey've
dealL Lo me for so long.
1he flrsL Lhlng l had Lo conslder was Lhe exacL daLe lL wlll Lake place. valenLlne's uay would have been
very flLLlng, slnce lL was Lhe hollday LhaL made me feel Lhe mosL mlserable and lnsulLed, Lhe hollday ln
whlch young couples celebraLed Lhelr happy llves LogeLher. 1he problem was LhaL valenLlne's uay was
only a monLh away. l needed more Llme Lhan LhaL. Also, on valenLlne's uay mosL young couples wlll be
spread ouL ln varlous resLauranLs ln Lhe clLy lnsLead of belng packed LogeLher aL parLles ln lsla vlsLa.
AnoLher opLlon was uelLopla, a day ln whlch many young people pour ln from all over Lhe sLaLe Lo have
a sprlng break parLy on uel laya SLreeL. l flgured Lhls would be Lhe perfecL day Lo aLLack lsla vlsLa, buL
afLer waLchlng ?ouLube vldeos of prevlous uelLopla parLles, l saw LhaL Lhere were way Loo many cops
walklng around on such an evenL. lL would be lmposslble Lo klll enough of my enemles before belng
dlspaLched by Lhose damnable cops.
l wanLed Lo seL an exacL daLe, on a normal lsla vlsLa parLy weekend, and once l seL LhaL daLe l wlll
never change lL. AfLer a loL of Lhlnklng and conslderaLlon, l concluded Lo brlng abouL Lhe uay of
8eLrlbuLlon on SaLurday, Aprll 26, 2014.

ln Lhe flrsL monLhs of 2014, whlch are Lhe lasL monLhs of my llfe, l Lrled Lo make Lhe mosL ouL of every
day. 1here was no a slngle day where l sLayed ln my room. Lvery mornlng, l seL ouL ln my 8MW Lo go on
advenLures around Lhe vlclnlLy of SanLa 8arbara and MonLeclLo, and l wouldn'L reLurn unLll laLe ln Lhe
nlghL. l wenL on hlkes ln Lhe mounLalns of MonLeclLo, wandered around almlessly ln beauLlful parks,
Look sLrolls along Lhe beach, slpped laLLes aL varlous cafes, and waLched Lhe sunseL aL my many
conLemplaLlon spoLs, sLaylng Lhere unLll Lhe sLars llL up Lhe nlghL sky. Lvery Llme l dld Lhls Lhough, Lhere
was no escaplng Lhe slghL of young couples dolng Lhe exacL same Lhlng LogeLher. lL made me even more
eager for Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon Lo come. My llfe was a llvlng hell, and LhaL hell needed Lo come Lo an
end.
l had enough exLra money saved up Lo llve comforLably and lndulgenLly before l dle. l dldn'L spend all
of lL Lhough, for l sLlll needed supplles LhaL were vlLal Lo my plans. llrsL, l needed Lo buy a Lhlrd handgun,
[usL ln case one of Lhem [ams. l needed Lwo worklng handguns aL Lhe same Llme, as LhaL was how l
planned Lo commlL sulclde, wlLh Lwo slmulLaneous shoLs Lo Lhe head. l also needed Lo buy magazlne
cllps and ammunlLlon, as well as knlves and carrylng cases for my equlpmenL.

Lven ln Lhe flrsL monLhs of 2014, leadlng up Lo Lhe Lraglc day ln Aprll, Lhe llLLle Lwlnge of hope lnslde
me never faded. lL remalned, as lf lL were Llny, fllckerlng flame of a candle ln a dark room. l suppose LhaL
llLLle flame ls whaL prompLed me Lo acLually aLLend Lhe Lwo Sprlng SemesLer classes l reglsLered for aL
S8CC. 1haL lasLed a good Lwo weeks, before l reallzed how polnLless lL was and dropped Lhem. 1here
was no hope now, and l had Lo accepL lL.

AfLer golng Lhrough every slngle fanLasy l had abouL how l would punlsh my enemles, l sLarLed Lo
deLall all of my exacL plans for how Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon wlll play ouL.
Cn Lhe day before Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon, l wlll sLarL Lhe llrsL hase of my vengeance: SllenLly kllllng
as many people as l can around lsla vlsLa by lurlng Lhem lnLo my aparLmenL Lhrough some form of
Lrlckery. 1he flrsL people l would have Lo klll are my Lwo housemaLes, Lo secure Lhe enLlre aparLmenL for
myself as my personal LorLure and kllllng chamber. AfLer LhaL, l wlll sLarL lurlng people lnLo my
aparLmenL, knock Lhem ouL wlLh a hammer, and sllL Lhelr LhroaLs. l wlll LorLure some of Lhe good looklng
people before l klll Lhem, assumlng LhaL Lhe good looklng ones had Lhe besL sex llves. All of LhaL pleasure
Lhey had ln llfe, l wlll punlsh by brlnglng Lhem paln and sufferlng. l have llved a llfe of paln and sufferlng,
and lL was Llme Lo brlng LhaL paln Lo people who acLually deserve lL. l wlll cuL Lhem, flay Lhem, sLrlp all Lhe
skln off Lhelr flesh, and pour bolllng waLer all over Lhem whlle Lhey are sLlll allve, as well as any oLher
form of LorLure l could posslbly Lhlnk of. When Lhey are dead, l wlll behead Lhem and keep Lhelr heads ln
a bag, for Lhelr heads wlll play a ma[or role ln Lhe flnal phase. 1hls llrsL hase wlll represenL my
vengeance agalnsL all of Lhe men who have had pleasurable sex llves whlle l've had Lo suffer. 1hlngs wlll
be falr once l make Lhem suffer as l dld. l wlll flnally even Lhe score.
1he Second hase wlll Lake place on Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon lLself, [usL before Lhe cllmacLlc massacre.
1he Second hase wlll represenL my War on Women. l wlll punlsh all females for Lhe crlme of deprlvlng
me of sex. 1hey have sLarved me of sex for my enLlre youLh, and gave LhaL pleasure Lo oLher men. ln
dolng so, Lhey Look many years of my llfe away. l cannoL klll every slngle female on earLh, buL l can
dellver a devasLaLlng blow LhaL wlll shake all of Lhem Lo Lhe core of Lhelr wlcked hearLs. l wlll aLLack Lhe
very glrls who represenL everyLhlng l haLe ln Lhe female gender: 1he hoLLesL sororlLy of uCS8. AfLer
dolng a loL of exLenslve research wlLhln Lhe lasL year, l found ouL LhaL Lhe sororlLy wlLh Lhe mosL
beauLlful glrls ls Alpha hl SororlLy. l know exacLly where Lhelr house ls, and l've saL ouLslde lL ln my car
Lo sLalk Lhem many Llmes. Alpha hl sororlLy ls full of hoL, beauLlful blonde glrls, Lhe klnd of glrls l've
always deslred buL was never able Lo have because Lhey all look down on me. 1hey are all spolled,
hearLless, wlcked blLches. 1hey Lhlnk Lhey are superlor Lo me, and lf l ever Lrled Lo ask one on a daLe,
Lhey would re[ecL me cruelly. l wlll sneak lnLo Lhelr house aL around 9:00 p.m. on Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon,
[usL before all of Lhe parLylng sLarLs, and slaughLer every slngle one of Lhem wlLh my guns and knlves. lf l
have Llme, l wlll seL Lhelr whole house on flre. 1hen we shall see who Lhe superlor one really ls!
1he llnal hase of Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon wlll be my ulLlmaLe showdown ln Lhe sLreeLs of lsla vlsLa.
Cn Lhe mornlng before, l wlll drlve down Lo my faLher's house Lo klll my llLLle broLher, denylng hlm of
Lhe chance Lo grow up Lo surpass me, along wlLh my sLepmoLher Soumaya, as she wlll be ln Lhe way. My
faLher wlll be away on one of hls buslness Lrlps, so Lhankfully l won'L have Lo deal wlLh hlm. lf he dldn'L
go away on LhaL Lrlp, l mlghL even have Lo posLpone Lhe whole plan because of my fear LhaL l mlghL
heslLaLe lf l have Lo klll hlm. Cnce l've Laken care of my broLher and sLepmoLher, l wlll swlLch over Lo Lhe
Mercedes Suv, and drlve lL back up Lo lsla vlsLa. l wlll use lL as one of my kllllng machlnes agalnsL my
enemles. An Suv wlll cause a loL more damage Lhan my 8MW coupe.
AfLer l have kllled all of Lhe sororlLy glrls aL Lhe Alpha hl Pouse, l wlll qulckly geL lnLo Lhe Lhe Suv
before Lhe pollce arrlve, assumlng Lhey would arrlve wlLhln 3 mlnuLes. l wlll Lhen make my way Lo uel
laya, splaLLerlng as many of my enemles as l can wlLh Lhe Suv, and shooLlng anyone l don'L splaLLer. l
can only lmaglne how sweeL lL wlll be Lo ram Lhe Suv lnLo all of Lhose groups of popular young people
who l've always wlLnessed walklng rlghL ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe road as lf Lhey are beLLer Lhan everyone
else. When Lhey are wrlLhlng ln paln, Lhelr bodles broken and dylng afLer l splaLLer Lhem, Lhey wlll fully
reallze Lhelr crlmes.
Cnce l reach uel laya SLreeL, l wlll dump Lhe bag of severed heads l had saved from my prevlous
vlcLlms, proclalmlng Lo everyone how much l've made Lhem all suffer. Cnce Lhey see all of Lhelr frlend's
heads roll onLo Lhe sLreeL, everyone wlll fear me as Lhe powerful god l am. l wlll Lhen sLarL massacrlng
everyone on uel laya SLreeL. l wlll pull up nexL Lo a house parLy and flre bulleLs aL everyone parLylng on
Lhe fronL yard. l wlll speclflcally LargeL Lhe good looklng people, and all of Lhe couples. AfLer l have
desLroyed a house parLy, l wlll conLlnue down uel laya, desLroylng everyLhlng and everyone. When l
see Lhe flrsL pollce car come Lo Lhelr rescue, l wlll drlve away as fasL as l can, shooLlng and rammlng
anyone ln my paLh unLll l flnd a sulLable place Lo flnally end my llfe.
1o end my llfe, l wlll qulckly swallow all of Lhe xanax and vlcodln pllls l have lefL, along wlLh an ample
amounL of hard llquor. lmmedlaLely afLer lmblblng Lhls mlxLure, l wlll shooL myself ln Lhe head wlLh Lwo
of my handguns slmulLaneously. lf Lhe gunshoLs don'L klll me, Lhe deadly drug mlxLure evenLually wlll. l
wlll noL suffer belng capLured and senL Lo prlson.
l musL plan Lhls very efflclenLly. noLhlng can go wrong. lL needs Lo be perfecL. 1hls ls now my sole
purpose on Lhls world. My plans wlll come Lo frulLlon, and l musLn'L leL anyone sLop me.

Cn Lhe week leadlng up Lo daLe l seL for Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon, l uploaded several vldeos onLo
?ouLube ln order Lo express my vlews and feellngs Lo Lhe world, Lhough l don'L plan on uploadlng my
ulLlmaLe vldeo unLll mlnuLes before Lhe aLLack, because on LhaL vldeo l wlll Lalk abouL exacLly why l'm
dolng Lhls.
l LlLled one of Lhe vldeos l uploaded Why do glrls haLe me so much?" ln whlch l ask Lhe enLlre
populaLlon of women Lhe quesLlon l've wanLed Lo ask Lhem for so many years. Why do Lhey haLe me so
much? Why have Lhey never fancled me? Why do Lhey glve Lhelr love and sex Lo oLher men, buL noL me,
even Lhough l deserve Lhem more? ln Lhe vldeo, l show LhaL l am Lhe perfecL, magnlflcenL genLleman,
worLhy of havlng a beauLlful glrlfrlend, maklng Lhe world see how unreasonable lL ls LhaL l've had Lo
sLruggle all my llfe Lo geL a glrlfrlend. lL ls my aLLempL Lo reason wlLh Lhe female gender, Lo ask Lhem
why Lhey have mlsLreaLed me. l was hoplng l would geL some sorL of answer from glrls. ln facL, a small
parL of me was even hoplng LhaL a glrl would see Lhe vldeo and conLacL me Lo glve me a chance Lo go on
a daLe. 1haL alone would have prevenLed Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon, lf one glrl had [usL glven me one
chance. =:- "7I As expecLed, l goL absoluLely no response from any glrls. 1he only responses l goL were
from oLher men who called me names and made fun of me. Women don'L care abouL me aL all. 1hey
won'L even delgn Lo Lell my why Lhey've mlsLreaLed me. 1hls [usL shows how evll and sadlsLlc Lhey are.
Ch well, Lhey wlll reallze Lhe gravlLy of Lhelr crlmes when l slaughLer Lhem all on Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon.
Pow dare Lhey re[ecL a magnlflcenL genLleman llke me!

As Aprll 26
Lh
drew ever closer, l prepared myself Lo Lhe fullesL exLenL. All l had lefL Lo do was flnlsh
wrlLlng Lhls sLory and fllm my flnal vldeo. 8uL Lhen, on 1hursday, Aprll 24
Lh
, l woke up wlLh a Lerrlble
cold. l rarely ever geL colds! l've always had a sLrong lmmune sysLem. lL was as lf faLe lLself was Lrylng Lo
sLop me from dolng lL. 8uL whaL oLher reason do l have for llvlng? Alas, Lhere was no way l could carry
ouL my plans lf l had a cold. LveryLhlng had Lo be perfecL. ln addlLlon, l found ouL LhaL faLher had arrlved
home Lwo days earller Lhan he orlglnally sald he would, so lf l had lndeed wenL forLh wlLh my plans, l
would have had Lo klll my faLher, whlch l wouldn'L be menLally prepared for.
l hasLlly declded Lo posLpone lL Lo SaLurday, May 24
Lh
, 2014. l would deflnlLely be fully recovered from
my cold by Lhen. 1hls wlll also glve me a few more weeks of llfe, and more Llme Lo prepare. A few days
earller, l felL so ready Lo flnally sLrlke back aL women and humanlLy, wlLh all my rage and haLred. l was
profoundly eager Lo do lL! 8uL for some sLrange reason, havlng a few more weeks of llfe made me feel
relleved. l Look ln a deep breaLh and relaxed. Coupled wlLh my haLe-fueled eagerness Lo carry ouL my acL
of revenge, Lhere was also an exLreme sense of fear lnslde me. arL of me sLlll dldn'L wanL Lo do lL. lL wlll
mean my deaLh, and l have always been afrald of deaLh.
l dldn'L wanL Lo be ln lsla vlsLa on Aprll 26
Lh
, Lhe day l prevlously planned on carrylng ouL my plans.
Pearlng all of my enemles parLylng and havlng a good Llme on Lhe day l was supposed Lo klll Lhem all
would be Loo much Lo bear. l lmmedlaLely called my moLher and asked her lf l can sLay aL her house for
Lhe whole weekend, exaggeraLlng my lllness so LhaL she would leL me. Whlle Lhere, l vlslLed Lhe docLor
Lo ask abouL Lhe condlLlon of my cold, and spenL Lhe weekend ln deep, peaceful conLemplaLlon.

upon my reLurn Lo SanLa 8arbara, l assured Lo myself LhaL -),( &'( ,-. May 24
Lh
, 2014 was Lhe flnal
daLe. 1here ls no posLponlng lL anymore, no backlng ouL. lf l don'L do Lhls, Lhen l only have a fuLure fllled
wlLh more lonellness and re[ecLlon ahead of me, devold of sex, love, and en[oymenL. l have Lo do lL. lL's
Lhe only Lhlng l can do. May 24
Lh
, ls Lhe absoluLe lasL weekend ln Lhe Sprlng semesLer ln whlch l can carry
ouL Lhls plan efflclenLly. AfLer May 24
Lh
, Lhe Sprlng semesLer aL S8CC wlll end, and all of Lhe S8CC
sLudenLs wlll go back Lo Lhelr homeLowns, whlch means less enemles Lo klll ln lsla vlsLa. Sure, uCS8
would sLlll be ln sesslon, buL l wanL Lo klll boLh uCS8 and S8CC sLudenLs. 1he uay of 8eLrlbuLlon ls my
sole purpose on Lhls world, and l am ready.

AfLer only a week passed slnce l uploaded Lhose vldeos on ?ouLube, l heard a knock on my aparLmenL
door. l opened lL Lo see abouL seven pollce offlcers asklng for me. As soon as l saw Lhose cops, Lhe
blggesL fear l had ever felL ln my llfe overcame me. l had Lhe sLrlklng and devasLaLlng fear LhaL someone
had somehow dlscovered whaL l was plannlng Lo do, and reporLed me for lL. lf LhaL was Lhe case, Lhe
pollce would have searched my room, found all of my guns and weapons, along wlLh my wrlLlngs abouL
whaL l plan Lo do wlLh Lhem. l would have been Lhrown ln [all, denled of Lhe chance Lo exacL revenge on
my enemles. l can'L lmaglne a hell darker Lhan LhaL. 1hankfully, LhaL wasn'L Lhe case, buL lL was (7 827(/.
ApparenLly, someone saw my vldeos and became lnsLanLly susplclous of me. 1hey called some sorL of
healLh agency, who called Lhe pollce Lo check up on me. 1he pollce Lold me lL was my moLher who called
Lhem, buL my moLher Lold me lL was Lhe healLh agency. My moLher had waLched Lhe vldeos and was
very dlsLurbed by Lhem. l don'L suppose l'll ever know Lhe full LruLh of who called Lhe pollce on me. 1he
pollce lnLerrogaLed me ouLslde for a few mlnuLes, asklng me lf l had sulcldal LhoughLs. l LacLfully Lold
Lhem LhaL lL was all a mlsundersLandlng, and Lhey flnally lefL. %1 -)/+ )'# #/@'"#/# -7 (/'48) @+ 477@I
1haL would have ended everyLhlng. lor a few horrlble seconds l LhoughL lL was all over. When Lhey lefL,
Lhe blggesL wave of rellef swepL over me. lL was so scary.
lL was all because of Lhe vldeos. l musL have expressed Loo much anger ln Lhem. l lmmedlaLely Look
mosL of Lhem off of ?ouLube, and planned Lo reupload Lhem a few days before Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon.
1hls lncldenL made me reallze LhaL l needed Lo be exLra careful. l can'L leL anyone become susplclous of
me. All lL Lakes ls for one person Lo call Lhe pollce and Lell Lhem LhaL Lhey Lhlnk l'm golng Lo perpeLraLe a
shooLlng, and Lhe pollce wlll be comlng Lo my door agaln, demandlng Lo search my room. lor Lhe nexL
few days, l felL exLremely fearful LhaL Lhey could show up anyLlme. l kepL one of my handguns wlLh a few
loaded magazlnes near me [usL ln case such a Lhlng dld happen. lf Lhey dld show up, l would have Lo Lry
Lo qulckly shooL Lhem all and escape ouL Lhe back wlndow. l would Lhen have Lo perform a hasLy
mockery of my plans, wlLh Lhe pollce on my Lall. 1haL wlll ruln everyLhlng. 1hankfully, all susplclon of me
was dropped afLer l Look down Lhe vldeos from ?ouLube, and Lhe pollce never came back.

uurlng Lhe lasL few weeks of my llfe, l conLlnued my dally advenLures around Lown, Lrylng Lo
experlence as much of Lhe world as l could before l dle. upon dolng Lhls, l reallzed LhaL Lhe only world l
can posslbly ever experlence ls a LwlsLed world of consLanL sufferlng. no maLLer where l go, l have Lo
face all of Lhe same ln[usLlces. ?oung couples are everywhere! 1hey consLanLly remlnd me of whaL l have
lacked all my llfe. l cannoL go ouL of my room wlLhouL seelng a young couple LhaL would make me feel
envlous and enraged. >7& #'4/ -)7(/ 5,42( 5,3/ -)/,4 273/ '"# (/F -7 -)7(/ 7-)/4 @/" '"# "7- @/C l
consLanLly Lhlnk when l see young couples. 1here ls nowhere ln Lhe world l can go anymore. 1here ls no
more llfe Lo llve. 1he uay of 8eLrlbuLlon ls all l have. lL ls Lhe flnal soluLlon Lo all of Lhe ln[usLlces of Lhls
LwlsLed world. 8y dolng Lhls, l wlll seL rlghL all of Lhe wrongs l've had Lo face ln my sorry excuse of a llfe.
Lvery slngle Llme l've seen a guy walk around wlLh hls beauLlful glrlfrlend, l've always wanLed Lo klll
Lhem boLh ln Lhe mosL palnful way posslble. 1hey deserve lL. 1hey musL be punlshed. 1he males deserve
Lo be punlshed for llvlng a beLLer and more pleasurable llfe Lhan me, and Lhe females deserve Lo be
punlshed for glvlng LhaL pleasurable llfe Lo Lhose males lnsLead of me. Cn Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon, l wlll
flnally be able Lo punlsh Lhem !TT.
When l Lhlnk abouL Lhe amazlng and bllssful llfe l could have llved lf only females were sexually
aLLracLed Lo me, my enLlre belng burns wlLh haLred. 1hey denled me a happy llfe, and ln reLurn l wlll
Lake away all of Lhelr llves. lL ls only falr.

l am noL parL of Lhe human race. PumanlLy has re[ecLed me. 1he females of Lhe human specles have
never wanLed Lo maLe wlLh me, so how could l posslbly conslder myself parL of humanlLy? PumanlLy has
never accepLed me among Lhem, and now l know why. l am more Lhan human. l am superlor Lo Lhem
all. l am LllloL 8odger. MagnlflcenL, glorlous, supreme, emlnenL. ulvlne! l am Lhe closesL Lhlng Lhere ls
Lo a llvlng god. PumanlLy ls a dlsgusLlng, depraved, and evll specles. lL ls my purpose Lo punlsh Lhem all. l
wlll purlfy Lhe world of everyLhlng LhaL ls wrong wlLh lL. Cn Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon, l wlll Lruly be a
powerful god, punlshlng everyone l deem Lo be lmpure and depraved.

2C&.,48)

And LhaL ls how my Lraglc llfe ends. Who would have LhoughL my llfe wlll Lurn ouL Lhls way? l dldn'L.
1here was a Llme when l LhoughL Lhls world was a good and happy place. As a chlld, my whole world was
lnnocenL. lL wasn'L unLll l wenL Lhrough puberLy and sLarLed deslrlng glrls LhaL my whole llfe Lurned lnLo
a llvlng hell. l deslred glrls, buL glrls never deslred me back. 1here ls someLhlng very wrong wlLh LhaL. lL ls
an ln[usLlce LhaL cannoL go unpunlshed. 1here ls no way l could llve a happy llfe wlLh such a scenarlo.
noL only dld l have Lo wasLe my enLlre youLh sufferlng ln lonellness and unfulfllled deslre, buL l had Lo
llve wlLh Lhe knowledge LhaL oLher boys my age were able Lo have all of Lhe experlences l craved for. lL ls
absoluLely unfalr and un[usL. ln addlLlon, l had Lo suffer Lhe shame of oLher boys respecLlng me less
because l dldn'L geL any glrls. Lveryone knew l was a vlrgln. Lveryone knew how undeslrable l was Lo glrls,
and l haLed everyone [usL for knowlng lL. l wanL people Lo Lhlnk LhaL glrls adore me. l wanL Lo feel worLhy.
1here ls no prlde ln llvlng as a lonely, unwanLed ouLcasL. l wouldn'L even call lL llvlng.
l am noL meanL Lo llve such a paLheLlc, mlserable llfe. 1haL ls noL my place ln Lhls world. l wlll noL bow
down and accepL such a horrlflc faLe. lf humanlLy wlll noL glve me a worLhy place among Lhem, Lhen l
wlll desLroy Lhem all. l am beLLer Lhan all of Lhem. l am a god. LxacLlng my 8eLrlbuLlon ls my way of
provlng my Lrue worLh Lo Lhe world.

ln Lhe mldsL of my sufferlng, l have been able Lo see Lhe world much clearer Lhan oLhers. l have vlslon
LhaL oLher people lack. 1hrough my sufferlng, l have been able Lo see [usL how LwlsLed and wrong Lhls
world really ls. 1he currenL sLaLe of humanlLy ls whaL makes lL wrong. l look aL Lhe human race and l see
only vlleness and depravlLy, all because of an acL known as. sexuallLy.
Sex ls by far Lhe mosL evll concepL ln exlsLence. 1he facL LhaL llfe lLself exlsLs Lhrough sex [usL proves
LhaL llfe ls flawed. 1he acL of sex glves human belngs a Lremendous amounL of pleasure. leasure Lhey
don'L deserve. no one deserves Lo experlence so much pleasure, especlally slnce some humans geL Lo
experlence lL whlle some are denled lL. When a man has sex wlLh a beauLlful woman, he probably feels
llke he ls ln heaven. 8uL Lhe world ls noL supposed Lo be heaven. lor some humans Lo acLually be able Lo
feel such helghLs of heavenly pleasure ls selflsh and hedonlsLlc.
1he ulLlmaLe evll behlnd sexuallLy ls Lhe human female. 1hey are Lhe maln lnsLlgaLors of sex. 1hey
conLrol whlch men geL lL and whlch men don'L. Women are flawed creaLures, and my mlsLreaLmenL aL
Lhelr hands has made me reallze Lhls sad LruLh. 1here ls someLhlng very LwlsLed and wrong wlLh Lhe way
Lhelr bralns are wlred. 1hey Lhlnk llke beasLs, and ln LruLh, Lhey '4/ beasLs. Women are lncapable of
havlng morals or Lhlnklng raLlonally. 1hey are compleLely conLrolled by Lhelr depraved emoLlons and vlle
sexual lmpulses. 8ecause of Lhls, Lhe men who do geL Lo experlence Lhe pleasures of sex and Lhe prlvllege
of breedlng are Lhe men who women are (/F:'22+ aLLracLed Lo. Lhe sLupld, degeneraLe, obnoxlous men.
l have observed Lhls all my llfe. 1he mosL beauLlful of women choose Lo maLe wlLh Lhe mosL bruLal of
men, lnsLead of magnlflcenL genLlemen llke myself.
Women should noL have Lhe rlghL Lo choose who Lo maLe and breed wlLh. 1haL declslon should be
made for Lhem by raLlonal men of lnLelllgence. lf women conLlnue Lo have rlghLs, Lhey wlll only hlnder
Lhe advancemenL of Lhe human race by breedlng wlLh degeneraLe men and creaLlng sLupld, degeneraLe
offsprlng. 1hls wlll cause humanlLy Lo become even more depraved wlLh each generaLlon. Women have
more power ln human socleLy Lhan Lhey deserve, all because of sex. 1here ls no creaLure more evll and
depraved Lhan Lhe human female.
Women are llke a plague. 1hey don'L deserve Lo have any rlghLs. 1helr wlckedness musL be conLalned
ln order prevenL fuLure generaLlons from falllng Lo degeneracy. Women are vlclous, evll, barbarlc
anlmals, and Lhey need Lo be LreaLed as such.

ln fully reallzlng Lhese LruLhs abouL Lhe world, l have creaLed Lhe ulLlmaLe and perfecL ldeology of
how a falr and pure world would work. ln an ldeal world, sexuallLy would noL exlsL. lL musL be ouLlawed.
ln a world wlLhouL sex, humanlLy wlll be pure and clvlllzed. Men wlll grow up healLhlly, wlLhouL havlng Lo
worry abouL such a barbarlc acL. All men wlll grow up falr and equal, because no man wlll be able Lo
experlence Lhe pleasures of sex whlle oLhers are denled lL. 1he human race wlll evolve Lo an enLlrely
new level of clvlllzaLlon, compleLely devold of all Lhe lmpurlLy and degeneracy LhaL exlsLs Loday.
ln order Lo compleLely abollsh sex, women Lhemselves would have Lo be abollshed. All women musL
be quaranLlned llke Lhe plague Lhey are, so LhaL Lhey can be used ln a manner LhaL acLually beneflLs a
clvlllzed socleLy. ln order carry Lhls ouL, Lhere musL exlsL a new and powerful Lype of governmenL, under
Lhe conLrol of one dlvlne ruler, such as myself. 1he ruler LhaL esLabllshes Lhls new order would have
compleLe conLrol over every aspecL of socleLy, ln order Lo dlrecL lL Lowards a good and pure place. AL Lhe
dlsposal of Lhls governmenL, Lhere needs Lo be a hlghly Lralned army of fanaLlcally loyal Lroops, ln order
Lo enforce such revoluLlonary laws.
1he flrsL sLrlke agalnsL women wlll be Lo quaranLlne all of Lhem ln concenLraLlon camps. AL Lhese
camps, Lhe vasL ma[orlLy of Lhe female populaLlon wlll be dellberaLely sLarved Lo deaLh. 1haL would be
an efflclenL and flLLlng way Lo klll Lhem all off. l would Lake greaL pleasure and saLlsfacLlon ln condemnlng
every slngle woman on earLh Lo sLarve Lo deaLh. l would have an enormous Lower bullL [usL for myself,
where l can oversee Lhe enLlre concenLraLlon camp and gleefully waLch Lhem all dle. %1 % 8'"K- )'3/ -)/@C
"7 7"/ &,22C l'd lmaglne Lhlnklng Lo myself as l oversee Lhls. Women represenL everyLhlng LhaL ls unfalr
wlLh Lhls world, and ln order Lo make Lhe world a falr place, Lhey musL all be eradlcaLed.
A few women would be spared, however, for Lhe sake of reproducLlon. 1hese women would be kepL
and bred ln secreL labs. 1here, Lhey wlll be arLlflclally lnsemlnaLed wlLh sperm samples ln order Lo
produce offsprlng. 1helr depraved naLure wlll slowly be bred ouL of Lhem ln Llme.
luLure generaLlons of men would be obllvlous Lo Lhese remalnlng women's exlsLence, and LhaL ls for
Lhe besL. lf a man grows up wlLhouL knowlng of Lhe exlsLence of women, Lhere wlll be no deslre for sex.
SexuallLy wlll compleLely cease Lo exlsL. Love wlll cease Lo exlsL. 1here wlll no longer be any lmprlnL of
such concepLs ln Lhe human psyche. lL ls Lhe only way Lo purlfy Lhe world.
ln such a pure world, Lhe man's mlnd can develop Lo greaLer helghLs Lhan ever before. luLure
generaLlons wlll llve Lhelr llves free of havlng Lo worry abouL Lhe barbarlLy of sex and women, whlch wlll
enable Lhem Lo expand Lhelr lnLelllgence and advance Lhe human race Lo a sLaLe of perfecL clvlllzaLlon.
lL ls such a shameful plLy LhaL my ldeal world cannoL be creaLed. l reallzed long ago LhaL Lhere ls no
way l could posslbly rlse Lo such a level of power ln my llfeLlme, wlLh Lhe way Lhe world ls now. Such a
Lhlng wlll never become a reallLy for me, buL lL dld glve me someLhlng Lo fanLaslze abouL as l burned
wlLh haLred Lowards all women for re[ecLlng me LhroughouL Lhe years. 1hls whole vlewpolnL and
ldeology of abollshlng sex sLems from belng deprlved of lL all my llfe. lf l cannoL have lL, l wlll do
everyLhlng l can Lo ORJH;PM %H.

My orchesLraLlon of Lhe uay of 8eLrlbuLlon ls my aLLempL Lo do everyLhlng, ln my power, Lo desLroy
everyLhlng l cannoL have. All of Lhose beauLlful glrls l've deslred so much ln my llfe, buL can never have
because Lhey desplse and loaLhe me, l wlll desLroy. All of Lhose popular people who llve hedonlsLlc llves
of pleasure, l wlll desLroy, because Lhey never accepLed me as one of Lhem. l wlll klll Lhem all and make
Lhem suffer, [usL as Lhey have made me suffer. lL ls only falr.

0)+ #7 -),"5( )'3/ -7 9/ -),( &'+6 l'm sure LhaL ls Lhe quesLlon everyone wlll be asklng afLer Lhe uay
of 8eLrlbuLlon ls over. 1hey wlll all be asklng &)+. lndeed, why? 1haL ls Lhe quesLlon l've had for
/3/4+7"/ LhroughouL all my years of sufferlng. Why was l condemned Lo llve a llfe of mlsery and
worLhlessness whlle oLher men were able Lo experlence Lhe pleasures of sex and love wlLh women?
Why do Lhlngs have Lo be Lhls way? l ask all of you.
All l ever wanLed was Lo love women, and ln Lurn Lo be loved by Lhem back. 1helr behavlor Lowards
me has only earned my haLred, and rlghLfully so! l am Lhe Lrue vlcLlm ln all of Lhls. l am Lhe good guy.
PumanlLy sLruck aL me flrsL by condemnlng me Lo experlence so much sufferlng. l dldn'L ask for Lhls. l
dldn'L wanL Lhls. l dldn'L sLarL Lhls war. l wasn'L Lhe one who sLruck flrsL. 8uL l wlll flnlsh lL by sLrlklng
back. l wlll punlsh /3/4+7"/. And lL wlll be beauLlful. llnally, aL long lasL, l can show Lhe world my Lrue
worLh.