Practical Tools for 'Misbehaviour' and Setting Limits: a little support for thos

e who choose not to punish their children

By John Breeding, PhD
Published Friday, 8 December 2006, viewed 1629 times
It is our view that infants are genetically biased towards interaction with othe
r people from the beginning. A child is pre-adapted to a social world, and in th
is sense is social from the beginning. If an infant is reared in a social enviro
nment not too dissimilar from that in which the species evolved an environment i
n which adults are responsive to the signals implicit in his behaviour it seems
likely to us that he will gradually acquire an acceptable repertoire of more matu
re' social behaviours without heroic efforts on the part of his parents specific
ally to train him to adopt the rules, proscriptions, and values that they wish h
im to absorb. Because of these considerations we find the concept of socialisatio
n' essentially alien to our approach.
Margaret Ainsworth (et al)1
On the one hand, we love it when our children are sweet and affectionate, or whe
n we are in a place where we can revel in their abundant zest and vitality. On t
he other hand, there are times when children need limits, either because they ha
ve some distress to release, or because they are part of a group, and their priv
ate need or demand cannot be satisfied at that time. These times present very re
al, practical challenges for parents on a regular basis. So here I will share so
me ideas about the causes of misbehaviour', and the process of setting limits.
Causes of misbehaviour
First off, we must admit that our judgments about behaviour are not always clear
. For example, when we judge that a child is just too wild, it may indeed be tha
t the child is acting out of distress, that they are feeling a hurt that has dis
rupted their natural intelligence and affinity. It might also be, however, that
we are simply tired and irritable, and the problem is ours. So let's assume in t
his case that we are in good shape, but our child is not. Remembering that child
ren are not inherently bad, it is quite true that they do sometimes act in ways
that are troubling for us.
According to Aletha Solter,2 there are three major reasons for unacceptable beha
viour:
1. The child is experiencing a need. Unrecognised and unmet needs can cause chil
dren to act badly'. The needs for attention, food, sleep, touch and affection: wh
en any of these is not well met, we may see misbehaviour'. The need to explore, t
ouch and manipulate: if children's continuing need for stimulation is recognised
, it is often possible to fill that need in ways that are acceptable to adults.
2. The child has insufficient information. Children are enormously intelligent,
ever so curious, and always growing and learning. It is our job to give them as
good information as we can. It is important to check for possible misunderstandi
ng or a lack of information.
3. The child is harbouring painful, pent-up feelings. Children experience hurts,
frights, and frustrations on a daily basis, even in the most loving environment
. If children's painful feelings are repressed, their behaviour can then easily
become distorted and unacceptable. These feelings need a harmless outlet, and th
e children need attention so that they can release the accumulated tensions by c
rying and raging (tantrums).
We adults play an important role when we allow and facilitate our child's emotio
nal discharge. Even more important than helping a child to release emotional dis
tress is the nurturing of an ongoing positive affiliation with our child. The so
lid ground of loving affection is the base from which we can help our child thro
ugh the hard stuff. With this in mind, I want to review a simple process called S
pecial Time', described in a pamphlet with that title, by Patty Wipfler. 3
Special time
Spending special time' together is a fantastic gift you and your child can give e
ach other. It is a time to see your child through the eyes of delight, and to en
joy being together on the child's terms. This alone is sufficient; the rest, as
we say here in Texas, is gravy.
Special time is an active form of listening, and often becomes a child's vehicle
for telling you about her life and perceptions. To begin with, you focus your e
ntire attention on the child. This is not casual play or indirect contact. Decid
e to notice everything about the child's words, expression, tone of voice, postu
re and movement. Absorb information through every pore, as if your child were en
tirely new to you!
Guidelines for setting up Special Time':
1. Put the child in charge of the relationship. Follow the child's lead, as she
tells you or shows you what she wants to do. Children constantly have to sacrifi
ce their needs and desires to adult demands and decisions. This change in the po
wer relationship gives the child permission to more fully communicate her though
ts and feelings, including those she may not otherwise communicate to you in the
hustle and bustle of your everyday life.
2. Communicate your enjoyment of her through your tone of voice, facial expressi
on, body posture and touch. Keep bringing yourself back to the space of seeing y
our child through the eyes of delight; settle for nothing less than an experienc
e of joyful appreciation for this time with your beloved. The child will absorb
your caring.
3. Your open interest and affection will help the child make use of this time to
show you new things about herself.
4. Don't give in to the temptation to lead the play, or offer your ideas. This i
s a time you set aside to be fully with the child, without interruptions. It is
appropriate to set limits on time and money, according to your need. Likewise, a
real safety concern may rarely justify an action on your part. Otherwise, this
is the child's time to take the lead. The child is the boss!
Discipline and setting limits
Children need, first and foremost, to be nurtured and protected. They have much
to learn about handling the challenges, frustrations, disappointments, conflicts
and relationships of life. They need to learn many things about the boundaries
and limits of the physical world and social order. To accomplish this, they need
adults in their lives who are models of self-discipline. They also need adults
who are able and willing to set limits in a thoughtful way, according to the nee
ds of the child.
Another great misunderstanding is the mistaken notion that we must either indulg
e our children's emotional demands or make them grow up and quit whining. Viewin
g life this way, it often seems as though we either have to surrender to emotion
al blackmail (the behaviourists would say reinforcing a negative emotion. or get
tough and shame the child for being such a whiner or crybaby, or for spoiling a
great day by throwing a fit about getting an extra ice cream. The confusion com
es from our adult expectation of stoic acceptance of disappointments or Buddhist
-like equanimity in the face of desire. On a deeper level, I think the problem i
s that we are uncomfortable with expressions of frustration, sadness and disappo
intment. We adults tend to have a very hard time seeing our child disappointed b
ecause it triggers similar feelings we carry from our own past, or it triggers o
ur guilt. As a result, we either indulge our child so they will feel better' and
stop crying, or we shame them for crying so they will stop. The truth is we ofte
n do both of these things not because it is what the child really needs, but bec
ause we can't handle our feelings about their distress. These tendencies are bes
t seen as indicators of issues we ourselves need to work on. Remember the idea t
hat in order to stay close to children, we must either suppress them or transfor
m ourselves, again and again.
Control patterns
In dealing with children, a solution to this apparent dilemma of indulgence or s
uppression lies in a transcendent third view that realises they are not opposite
s. Indulgence and suppression are actually similar dynamics. They have in common
the desired goal of avoiding the emotions; both are control patterns'. A control
pattern is whatever one does to keep feelings of emotional distress at bay. Pun
ishing and shaming are usually control patterns. Addiction is a control pattern.
Psychiatric drugs are one of the most effective control patterns yet devised.
Many seemingly benevolent actions can also function this way. When you distract
a child with a toy, or bounce and jiggle them, it's a control pattern if it serv
es to shut down or avoid a needed cry or tantrum. Even such wonderful and necess
ary actions as eating can be used to suppress emotion. The pacifier is one of th
e most effective and ubiquitous in our culture. Breastfeeding is the best, but S
olter argues that when the breast is offered to a child who is not hungry but ne
eds to have a good cry, it can be a control pattern. Others, including Katherine
Dettweiler,4 disagree, defending the value and importance of non-nutritive' suck
ing. Jan Hunt, author of The Natural Child: Parenting From The Heart,5 holds the
position that labelling a child's desire to nurse as a control pattern is profo
undly distrusting. The best approach is to really trust the child and let him or
her show the way. I myself think that a child who really needs to cry, and is i
n the presence of an adult who is comfortable with crying, will not be denied th
is healing outlet by yielding to nursing desire. Keys are to trust the child and
to do our own work on emotional healing in places that are hard for us as adult
s to tolerate. Once again, the relevant attitude to hold is called relaxed confi
dence.
The key to handling control patterns is to make a discernment that is often diff
icult. Remember the causes of misbehaviour. When a child is not experiencing a p
resent time need or hurt (like hunger or a diaper pin sticking his bottom., then
indulgence is usually a control pattern because the real need is for the distre
ssed child to discharge pent-up feelings.
Conversely, shaming or punishing a child for whining or complaining or tantrumin
g is a control pattern; such behaviour says more about the adult than the child.
Discernment is necessary to determine what the child really needs.
It is also true that there are hosts of good reasons why a child's demand or req
uest cannot or will not be met at a particular time. If the child is demanding s
omething that is not good for him, or that you cannot afford, or that you simply
do not have time for just now, then it is a time for setting reasonable limits.
Likewise there are times when a child is acting out her distress by hitting ano
ther, or cruelly teasing, or throwing and breaking things. When a child is hurti
ng others or herself or property, she needs an adult to make it safe and set lim
its for her. The great thing is that we don't have to choose between indulgence
and suppression. We can both set limits and encourage emotional expression. We c
an say no to the extra ice cream or mean behaviour towards little brother, at th
e same time that we say yes to the expression of anger or disappointment. We can
say no to the object of desire, but yes to the desire.
In line with the thrust of this book, there are remarkably different possible at
titudes to this experience of frustrated desire. Heaviness almost always says mo
re about us adults than about an unsatisfied child. A prolonged scene may be ref
lective of a child's need to express a backlog of pent-up disappointments. Often
times, however, it is our adult heavy-handedness that actually causes more tensi
on and upset. There are many light-hearted ways to deal with desire.
Jan Hunt shared with me one of her favourites, which was to tell her son while s
hopping that a desired object, though too expensive to buy just now, could go on
his wish list', or that they would remember that it was at that particular store
. This simple acknowledgment and recognition shows respect for the child's point
of view and is often enough to be able to move on to the next experience. Somet
imes I like to amplify the process by playfully going on to name all the things
we should buy today! Two more significant reminders come to mind. First is that
we are dealing with a highly distressed reality here called gross excess materia
lism. Please let's not blame and shame our children for the struggles that ensue
from such twisted ways of being.
Second is a caveat to the light-hearted approach. Children will be disappointed,
and sometimes it will feel very heavy for them. You know you are in good shape
when, rather than guilt or shame or anger, your child's disappointment moves you
to a place of compassion for your child, yourself, and all parents and children
in moments such as this.
Listen, Limit, Listen
There are valid reasons to set limits for children. If we don't, we will be mise
rable, because they will keep raising the bar until we do. Children under stress
can't think well. They can't process what you are telling them, so they don't a
ct in their own best interest. It is also true that children are exceedingly vul
nerable to the excesses of materialistic advertising and consumerism. Their desi
re nature is on full-tilt. You must expect this, and step in, gently but firmly,
to see they don't continue to over indulge. I share here early childhood educat
or Isaac Romano's clear explanation of a simple way of approaching the setting o
f limits, further explained by Patty Wipfler in her booklet by that title.
Listen: Get down at eye level and simply ask what is going on. Ask the child to
tell you why she is yelling, or is running from room to room dumping all the con
tainers of little toys. She needs to talk about the upset she feels, if possible
, to someone who isn't upset too. She is feeling hurt and far away from everyone
.
Limit: If a child is insisting on unreasonable behaviour, you must step in.
Tell her what you think is reasonable, and then make sure her unreasonable behav
iour isn't continued. If she is throwing toys in anger, put your hand on the toy
she's about to throw, and say, I won't let you throw that'. No punishment is nee
ded, no lectures are needed, no harshness is needed. Simply step in and see that
the child doesn't continue the irrational behaviour.
Listen: This is the stress release step', the one which will help the child immen
sely. After you have stepped in to prevent the child from doing things that don'
t make sense, she will most likely begin to cry, storm and tantrum. This is cons
tructive. It is your child's way of getting rid of the tension that made her unr
easonable in the first place. If you can stay close while she cries or storms, s
he will continue until she has come back to herself.
She'll be better able to listen, to be cooperative, and to make the best of the
situation at hand. The hurt feelings that had taken her over have healed now. An
d your listening will have done more than any lecture or time-out or threat. You
r listening will have rebuilt the closeness between you.
Punishment is not discipline
Parents worry about how to discipline' their children. I have discovered that dis
cipline is very often a code word for punishment. So any consideration of settin
g limits with children must address this thing we call punishment. Why do we pun
ish children? To teach them a lesson? Because they make us mad? Because they act
ed badly and deserve it? For their own good? Because they need it? Because we ju
st don't get it?
The first chapter of Jan Hunt's book, The Natural Child, is titled, Getting It' A
bout Children. Her experience is that adults either understand that children are
human beings who deserve to be treated like human beings or they just don't get
it. Adults behave as well as they are treated everyone knows that. Why is it as
sumed that children will behave better if punished? I am extremely fortunate in
that I know that punishment is unnecessary. I don't really know how best to help
others get it', but I know we need to keep trying and to get ourselves as clear
and strong as possible about caring for children in a good way. In my world, goo
d parenting does not include punishment. Punishment is the unfair use of rank to
inflict pain. Many people believe in the effectiveness of punishment because it
gives the appearance of control, but it has many effects beyond any short-term
suppression of behaviour.
Remember the aphorism that, Unfair use of rank causes revenge'? Punishment encour
ages lying, deceit, hypocrisy, and worse. This is true of all punishment physica
l hurting, verbal or emotional shaming, and behaviour modification techniques an
y use of rank to inflict pain. Many parents believe in punishment as fervently a
s they do their religious tenets, and even protest that God himself ordered them
to not spare the rod and spoil the child'. Consider this note from Norm Lee, in
his email newsletter for parents:6
In a recent lecture to a group of parents, I opened a book and read aloud: Start d
iscipline early; make clear rules, enforce them promptly and consistently. Reinf
orce obedience with, Good boy, that's a nice girl,' together with pats and hugs.
After disciplining, tell them you love them, but it was for their own good.
There were unanimous nods of agreement, some voicing their approval quite heartil
y. But when I showed the book's cover, they gasped in shock: How to Train Your D
oberman Pinscher. In their beliefs about methods of treating children and dogs,
there was not a smidgen of difference!'
So there is an eye-opener. Discipline has become a code word for punishment. Yet
discipline can be a virtue when it refers to self-control, persistence, delay o
f gratification, and other qualities necessary for success and happiness in life
. Perhaps the most helpful understanding comes when we add the word self' and spe
ak of self-discipline. The challenge is to discipline ourselves, to be disciplin
ed, to act out of love and thoughtfulness even when we don't like what we see, t
o keep going with what we really believe in (like loving and respecting our chil
dren. even when we are frightened or discouraged. Remember the model imperative.
When we punish, we teach punishment. The one way we really help our children to
develop self-discipline is through our own embodiment of this virtue.
History of childhood
Psychohistorian Lloyd deMause has devoted much of his life to investigating the
modern history of childhood. After decades of immersion in this work, deMause st
ated that, It seemed to me that childhood was one long nightmare from which we ha
ve only gradually and only recently begun to awaken'.7 Less than two centuries a
go, children were almost universally seen and treated as property, and infantici
de was still an accepted practice. Only a century ago, physical punishment was v
irtually universal, and sexual abuse of children was ubiquitous. What is conside
red child abuse today was accepted practice only two or three generations back.
Severe physical hurting and sexual use of children still go on, but now most peo
ple consider them abuse.
The progress is real. That we are even able to consider these ideas is a sign of
great change in the way young people are viewed and treated. For the first time
in recorded history, there are a significant number of adults who are really tr
ying to treat young people with complete respect. We are making strides to recla
im the best of a natural way of childrearing evident in the evolutionary continu
um (prehistory, and so eloquently described by Jean Liedloff in The Continuum Co
ncept.
So it comes back to the question: What do you really want for your child? If the
answer is either a constricted, fearful, docile, compliant existence, or an ang
ry, hostile one, then punishment will serve. If the answer is loving relationshi
ps, self-mastery, and outer accomplishment, then I encourage you to forego punis
hments and reach for the stars.
John Breeding, Ph.D., is a psychologist and author living in Austin, Texas. He i
s director of Wildest Colts Resources, a non-profit organisation whose purpose i
s to assist adults in becoming more effective in their work with young people, a
nd to stop the psychiatric label ling and drugging of children. John is also the
father of two teenagers, Eric, 17, and Vanessa, 13.
End Notes:
1. Margaret Ainsworth (et al), quoted in Peter Cook's article cited in Face Page
note. Ainsworth is one of the founding mothers of attachment research and theor
y.
2. Aletha Solter has several helpful books, including The Aware Baby and Helping
Young Children Flourish. Her website, The Aware Parenting Institute, is at www.
awareparenting.com.
3. Patty Wipfler is one of my very favourite parenting teachers. She has a wonde
rful series of booklets, and all kinds of great information available through he
r Parents Leadership Institute at www.parentleaders.org.
4. Dettweiler, K. Non-nutritive sucking. May be read at www.prairienet.org/lalec
he/detsuck.html.
5. Hunt, J. The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart. New Society Books, 2001
. Also see her great website, www.naturalchild.org.
6. Norm Lee's comments herein began as a newsletter, but have now morphed to cha
pters in a forthcoming book, Parenting Without Punishing. Available from Norm by
request at norm@nopunish.net.
7. deMause, L. Psychohistory and Psychotherapy, Foundations of Psychohistory, 19
92. I recommend the book he edited and contributed the title chapter to, History
of Childhood: The Untold Story of Child Abuse.