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Reviews for Awakened

Hitting the Christian Fiction literary world with a fresh and vi-
brant novel, author Kennisha Hill gives her audience something
brand new to talk about. Her versatile cast comes alive with every
scene, resulting in more than just the main characters to become
awakened! Trust me, it is evident when reading this book that the
Author has a true knowledge about balancing love and success. A
definite read!
Justin C. Hart
Inspiration Speaker and 2009 Amazon Best Selling Author of
Liquid Sunshine
http://justinhartnovels.com
Author Kennisha Hill has taken on a task that many only dream
about or speak about. She has definitely put her thoughts into ac-
tion. An inspirational writer, Kennisha has allowed readers to see
her gift of inspiration come into fruition with that of her fiction
writing.
Keshia Dawn
Black Expressions Best Selling Author of
By The Grace of God, His Grace His Mercy and Keeper of My Soul
Urban Christian Books
http://keshiadawnwrites.com
Kennisha Hill
2
Awakened
a novel
Awakened
3
Awakened copyright 2010 Kennisha Hill
http://kennisha-hill.com
Cover Design by Bezworks
http://bezworks.com
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any
form without prior consent of Kennisha Hill, with the exception of
scripture references or quotes used in reviews.
Library of Congress ISBN 978-0-557-41909-8
This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and inci-
dents are products of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to
actual events, locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coinciden-
tal.
Printed in the United States of America
Kennisha Hill
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Dedication
Kellus, you are proof that God answers prayer. I sought Him. I
delighted in Him. And He truly gave me the desires of my heart.
Your love and support helped this book blossom.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for marrying me.
I love you!
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Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will
give you the desires of your heart
-Psalm 37:4
Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to
awaken love until the time is right.
-Song of Solomon 8:4
Kennisha Hill
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Awakened
Awakened
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Prologue
Shoot, I have to stop and get gas, again? I
thought. I couldnt help but to beat my steering wheel after
I peaked at the orange E that glowed on the dashboard of
my brand new Mercedes. Dusk was approaching and it
was my best bet to pull over to fill my tank before the cra-
zies came out. The only thing about distant driving is the
dangers of being alone in a nice car at night. Its a good
thing my 9MM rest in my glove compartment, I laughed
out loud jokingly. Yeah right, I thought. I wish I had one.
My fully charged cell phone would be weapon enough
with 911 on speed dial.
I raced a whooping 85 MPH along I-10 West; the
only thing I could think of was quickly closing the gap
between The Big Easy and Emerald City. I kept driving,
not so much as looking in the rearview mirror at what was
behind me. That didnt matter. The only thing that mat-
tered to me was starting a new life in Seattle. So, I drove
my car with a vengeance. Good riddance, I thought. Noth-
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ing was going to stop this sista from driving her way to
success. I had the power. With packed brown boxes in my
trunk and backseat, I smiled at my readiness. I deemed
myself ready for my new life to go along with my new
career, my new condo and my old man Benjamin, who
was beginning a new journey with me. After five years of
a dating relationship, I thought my move to Seattle will
really make him propose. Long distance relationships
never last and if I wanted to make sure he married me, I
needed to move to where he was.
This longer-than-ever trip gave my mind enough
time to think, so most of the drive was done in silence. No
music. No one to talk to. Just me and God, and it sounded
like the big guy upstairs didnt have much to say to me
these days.
Oh well.
I obliged to my love of music and began bobbing
my head to Queen of the Night. Then my cell phone rang.
So much for silence. With one hand on the steering wheel,
I brushed my half open bag of hot potato chips on the
floor- spilling a few- and grabbed my phone out of my
purse that sat on the passenger seat. Unsurprisingly, it was
Benjamin.
Hello, I answered, after stuffing two Cheetos in
my mouth. I craved those things. I crunched lightly.
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Tam, hows the drive going?
Its fine. Just ready to get there, I said, trying not
to be rude and crunch in Benjamins ear.
What time are you expecting to make it?
Not sureprobably tomorrow evening. Its a long
stretch, you know.
Yeah he paused.
You could have just flown me here, I said chuck-
ling. I was not feeling the drive. Queasiness drained the
life out of me but, determination kept my blood pumping.
Besides, it wasnt like he didnt have the money to fly me
there. A contractor for the government like he was, Im
sure he had enough to spare me a first class ticket up there.
Besides, thats the least I could have gotten- being his al-
most fiance and all.
Well, Tam, you know Im just saving up for that
house of ours.
Sounded like another broken promise to me. After
the second time he was caught cheating, most promises he
made to me seemed empty; with no substance. But, I
loved him. And I was convinced that if I couldnt have
him in all of his tall, dark and handsomeness, that it was
meant for me to be a successful career woman rising
above. One way or another, Seattle was where I was going
to shine.
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You know I dont like to talk and drive, so Ill call
you when I make it to town.
Cool that works Tamara. I lov-
I hung up.
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One
You. Are. Stunning! Derrick said with enthusiasm.
He winked his eye and then made them trace me
up and down like I was a delicious t-bone steak with a side
of seasoned asparagus. Ugh! His looks made me uncom-
fortable enough to pull my black and white coat tighter to
cover myself- even though it was already buttoned. I half
smiled and looked around.
Right this way, yall, the hostess said, while
loudly smacking her gum and leading us to our table. Yo
waiter will be there in a minute. She continued to smack
her gum. Can I get yall a drink or somethin?
Did she say yalltwice? I whispered. And
why is she smacking her gum like a cow chewing hay?
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Derrick shrugged his shoulders as if to say I dont
know.
And then it dawned on me that I shouldnt have
expected anything less than what I got, judging from Der-
ricks appearance. I sighed really loud, hoping he would
have caught my disgust. And for some reason, he pulled
out my chair discretely; as if he wanted to be sure no one
was watching. I frowned at him and shrugged my cold
shoulders, unimpressed and his attempt to be a gentleman.
Who is this guy? I wondered.
The aroma of black cherry incense coupled with
what sounded like enticing melodies from the saxophone
sent waves of sensuality across the room. The saxophone
was my favorite instrument. It always put me in a vulner-
able mood. And Im not sure where hed learned that, but
in this case, I was feeling the exact opposite. Through the
smoky fog, couples whispered in each others ears and
swayed to the sound of the blues. Red lights outlined the
walls and I carefully watched my step as I walked to the
table. Gum stuck to the floor. Ashtrays with lit cigarettes
sat on the small round tables. I hope they dont burn the
fake flowers that sit beside them, I thought. The band
seemed to play especially hot that night. A woman wear-
ing a one piece wig with a red flower it in to match her
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tightly fitted red dress sang a Billie Holiday oldie but
goodie through her lips that were painted with bright red
lipstick. She looked like the devils bride- though it was
my horns that poked out that night.
You betta sang red! a man shouted while lifting
up his glass and waving it in the air. He caught himself
from falling out of his chair. Apparently, this man was
more than tipsy.
This place was not an ideal spot for me. I could
feel my disgusted look turning into an angry one.
People danced, flirted and smooched. But I sat
there stiff like a door knob. What was I thinking? I firmly
gripped my purse and feared that at any moment cops
would come busting up in there. It seemed like we were in
the middle of a jazz club scene from the movie Harlem
Nights. For our first date, a blind date, I was not expecting
to be at The Cats Lounge, an impecunious shack. I ex-
pected something better than this. With my black Chanel
dress and matching Jimmy Choo shoes on, I was over-
dressed, thinking we were going to a more classy place.
Did Tonya tell him what I really liked, or was he just wing-
ing it? I was sure going to find out.
Thank you Derrick. I said through my clenched
teeth and with an attitude. Youre looking niI mean,
go--, I mean, theres our waiter. I stammered, while I
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suddenly tried my hardest not to laugh at his purple pin-
striped suit. He must have fallen out of the 70s. And, how
old is this guy?
He smiled and slightly turned to the left to stare at
the band. While he observed, I noticed how tense and
nervous he looked. His left leg repeatedly shook like he
had bad nerves in it. He kept messing with his hands; un-
folding and folding themback and forth. I wished I
could read his mind. I looked around, but couldnt help
refocusing on his appearance. The suit made him stand out
in the crowd- mostly because of the hat he was wearing
that matched. It had the same pattern as his suit- purple
pinstripes. I stared at him eager to hear what he would say
to strike up a conversation.
He cleared his throat as if he was trying to get my
attention. So, how was your day, sweet-thang?
It was fine. And yours? I replied.
His voice was almost a whisper. Between the
sound of the band and the noisy crowd, I couldnt under-
stand why he would be speaking so low. I slouched a little
bit in my chair.
Thats good, yo. You like my suit? I wore it espe-
cially for a classy lady like you, he said with a cocky tone
to his voice, almost sounding like a pimp. He smiled and I
could see his gold crown more clearly.
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I laughed.
Then, I waited for a show-ya-right and a you-
know-what-Im-sayin to follow.
He wore that disaster for me? And that tooth, Lord
have mercy.
Oh really? I managed to say. I could barely
hear him so I sat up a little bit closer to the table. Not to
get closeonly because maybe he couldnt hear me.
Our waiter waltzed to our table popping gum in her
mouth and shaking her head to the music.
Im Tiffany. Can I start yall off with something
to drink? she said, as she swung her pencil and pad in the
air and flaunted her long freshly painted finger nails. I
immediately thought of CoCo from the 90s R&B group
SWV. She suddenly glanced at Derrick with a strange eye
and put one hand on her hip and one fingernail tip in her
mouth. Her look said she recognized him. Then, I looked
at Derrick and noticed how he turned his head the other
way- trying to avoid eye contact.
Wait, Derrick? Oh, I know you aint up in here
when you owe me money for child support? she yelled.
My jaw dropped. Child support?
Tiffany put her pencil and pad on the table and
walked closer to Derrick. Dont act like you dont know
me, fool, she continued.
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I sank lower in my seat. Exactly what I didnt want
to happen- from the ridicules suit Derrick was wearing-
happened anyway. Tiffany caused a scene. The singer on
stage paused and I could tell she tried to continue. The
band started to play all the wrong keys. They couldnt fo-
cus because they were so into the drama that was brewing
at my table. The red spot light might as well have turned
to us.
With my sudden speculation about Derrick and our
waiter, I knew this would make for an interesting night. I
wish I had my digital camera with me to put this mess on
Youtube, I thought. I blushed in embarrassment.
Uh, you must have mistaken me for someone
else, Derrick said. Then he put his head down as he tried
harder to avoid eye contact with her.
What? Dont make me get ethnic in here. You
know Ill call Shoney nem, she said.
He froze with sudden fear in his eyes and my eyes
bucked.
Ethnic? Oh goodness. And who is Shoney?
This night could not get any worse. Here I am sit-
ting at a run down dirty crack house of a jazz club with a
guy whos a dead beat dad and dressed like Barney. This is
officially the date from hell. I shook my head in disbelief
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at my own desperation and grabbed my purse to get my
cell and text Tonya.
Tonya, you are wrong for this. I am going to kill-
Before I could continue, my body jumped; startled
at how loud Tiffany was talking to Derrick. As if I needed
any more people looking my way. I put a hand over my
eyes and looked down at the table to make sure no one
could recognize me. At that moment, I realized just how
bad I needed to order a stiff drink so I could float away
into oblivion.
It looked safe to assume that everyone was nervous
about her threats to call Shoney in here. He must have
come by before- ram-shacking this joint. Maybe he really
was a thug who owns this place. Maybe hes an American
Gangster. My eyes tightened and I remembered the can of
mace that rested in my bag. And it seemed like Tiffany
waited for a response- smacking her gum harder than be-
fore.
Now, theres no need to call your crazy brother,
Derrick said with cracks in his tone.
I closed my eyes to try and imagine a guy named
Shoney coming in turning over tables and shooting up this
place. Hed probably wore a suit just like Derricks. In fact,
he may be a part of some kind of low-life-dad pimp gang.
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And I sat there in, my innocence, as his prey. I opened my
eyes, only to see Tiffany staring at me- sizing me up and
down as if shes wondering what Im doing with this creep
who apparently cant even pay child support. Then, I
frowned as I wondered if hed foot the bill or give me a
lame excuse as to why he wouldnt be able to pay. Yeah,
he looks cheap. And his fake Rolex watch didnt make it
any better.
I rolled my eyes and put my purses strap on my
shoulder. This was not turning into the blind date I had
hoped for. So much for blind dates. Instead of a decent
man, I get a man wearing a clown suit looking like Bar-
neys pimp brother. I stood up with widened eyes.
Derrick, Um, I see you have some unfinished
business to take care ofso yeah Im going to let
you and Tiffany work this out. Good night.
Wait, dont go! He tried to stop me. Are you
sure? he begged.
He stood up.
Tiffany took what looked like her Blackberry out
of her pocket as if she was getting ready to to call Shoney.
I was not going to be here when he arrived.
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Two
The walk to my car seemed like a never ending
road to perdition. I finally got there and sat inside to let
my engine run a bit to warm it up. This date validated my
recent thoughts. Sitting at the table with Derrick reminded
me of why I wanted to remain single and do what the typi-
cal scorned woman does after heartache; go out and do me
regardless of who pays the price. I clenched my steering
wheel feeling tears stream down my eyes. Lord, why
couldnt this date be the real deal? Im over 30! When will
it happen for me? Disaster always finds me and leaves
me to rot in strange scenarios like this. No, I took a deep
breath and said. I am not going to fall to pieces.
I took a deep breath.
In and out.
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Tamara you are better than this, I muffled to try
and convince myself. I pulled out my MAC Studio Fix and
applied enough to fix the tear marks that smeared my
makeup. While my mirror was out, I looked in my eyes
and saw past the redness. I saw the pain and agony that
took residence in there. Could it be that what was once a
sweet endearing woman turned into a depressed and over
ambitious monster? I could not recognize myself.
I immediately thought to call Tonya. This girls got
some explaining to do. I couldnt wait to tell her how she
was going to rot in the Lake of Fire for putting me through
this nonsense.
This is Tonya, she answered.
Girl, youre wrong for that.
What are you talking about, she laughed.
You know what Im talking about- setting me up
with Derrick- a pimp who escaped from the 70s.
No way?
Yes way. This guy was about to make our waiter
call Shoney, or whatever his name is, to come make him
pay her child support. I laughed at the thought of to-
nights drama. This was pure comedy.
I honestly didnt know girl she paused.
Girlfriend, yes. He wore a suit that looked like it
was from the Goodwill. Like some pimp gave it up. All he
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needed was a feather in his hat. And he probably left that
in his 1972 Cadillac. I laughed out loud, trying to catch
my breath. Anyway no more set ups, Tonya. I dont
need your help with finding a man.
All jokes aside, I was only looking out for you
Tamara, she said. I mean, it has been a little while since
you and Benjamin split. I thought you could use some
fun.
No maam. I dont need that kind of fun. Besides,
I dont need a man right now. I just need to clear my mind
and do my thing. Whoever God has for me will come I
just cant be bothered with crazy men anymore- especially
someone as crazy as Derrick, I laughed. Anyway, Im on
the way home and I hate driving and talking on my cell so
Ill hit you back a little later in the week.
Okay Tonya. Just remember ya girl is here for
you. Just like Mariah Carey sings, Anytime you need a
friend.
There you go- the Ultimate Mariah Carey fan.
Im just saying; dont resolve to anything crazy
tonight. Just go home rest and Ill chat with you later.
No worries. Im too tired to do anything crazy.
Tonight has already been crazy enough for the both of us,
I added. But, Im fine. Ill talk to you later.
I hung up.
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I just could not imagine what happened once
Shoney arrived at the club. Im sure Ill read about it in the
newspaper. I could see the headlines,
Gangster Mob Wearing Pinstripe Suits Destroy
Cats Lounge over Child Support Denial.
After the most embarrassing blind date Id ever
had, I sat my keys on my key rack in the kitchen and
signed. A lonely feeling settled deep inside of me- it hit as
soon as the keys hit the rack. Not that I hoped to leave the
club in someone elses car, but on my way there I hoped to
have a possible new friend. I looked around my condo, put
my purse down and I decided to dive right into my secret
though- hopefully temporary fix; writing in my journal.
Journal entries took me away, better than Calgone ever
could. It was the only way I could express my heart.
The phony hard-core-business-woman faade
quickly fell off, as I began to bask in my vulnerability.
Without a second to waste, I grabbed my pen and my
notepad to begin.
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Three
I hate Mondays. I stretched my arms over my king
size bed and grabbed my pillow to cover my face, hoping I
had at least five more minutes before it was time to get up
and get started with my day. Then, my home phone sud-
denly rang, making my morning much more dreadful.
Hello? I answered, with a cracked voice.
The phone call urged me to rush and my alarm
clock showed how the extra five minutes was a terrible
idea. With my shoulder holding my cell phone to my ear, I
raced to the bathroom sink to brush my teeth.
Tamara, wake up girl its Richard.
Richard? What are you doing calling here this
early? Its 6AM! Toothpaste was still in my mouth as I
continued to brush my teeth- not caring if the toothpaste
sound was impolite one bit.
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Im in town and wanted to know if we could have
lunch.
Lunch?
I continued to brush.
Yeah. My treat, he said. I could hear enthusiasm
come from the other end of the phone. I shook my head
and continued to get ready.
So, make sure youre ready for lunch about 1pm
today. Call me later so I can meet you wherever you want
to go.
Okay, sure thats fine...bye, I yawned.
I hung up surprised at Richards call, but then an-
ticipated our lunch that day. I had a lot to talk about and I
felt like Richard was the only one I knew who was intelli-
gent enough to understand what I had to talk about. I
didnt trust many people with my plans.
I looked at my clock and continued to race to get
ready. I stood for a brief second and stared at my laundry
basket. Ugh! Should I work out or skip this part? It took a
whole sixty seconds for me to decide. Then, I dug through
socks, underwear and t-shirts for my sports-bra and tights.
I looked in the mirror, which always gave me motivation. I
grabbed my love handles and pleaded with myself, Ive
got to trim these edges. It was time for my morning rou-
tine. I had to literally drag my way through what consisted
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of 100 crunches, a thirty minute run on the treadmill and a
ten minute ride on my exercise bicycle. After exhausting
myself, I finally jumped in the shower and made my way
to my favorite part of the morning; my meeting with
Maxwell House Coffee.
The coffee beans steaming from the pot forced me
to close my eyes and hold still to that moment. Ahhh! Pure
bliss. Heavenly bliss. I took my Palm Pre out of my purse,
still engaged in the delightful smell of my morning bliss,
and checked my calendar for the day. While I added Rich-
ard in the 1pm slot, I took a sip of that pleasurable mocha
drink and exhaled a sigh of relief.
After basking in Maxwells morning delight, I un-
dressed from my red silk robe to a grey suit and in the
process stared in the mirror to appreciate how great my
work-out routine has helped me trim down my full figured
frame. After going through the most devastating break up
with Benjamin, taking care of my body had been the last
thing on my agenda. I went from 110 pounds to a whop-
ping 180 pounds. To some, this wasnt so bad considering
I am 58. But, to this sista, I needed to get my act to-
gether. So, besides cutting my hair to a low cut curly look,
I started working out vigorously.
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Four
I made it to work just in time to see the morning
traffic of people walking around being business as usual.
Monday mornings meant brown-noses were ready to kiss
up to me for attention and Madison, my secretary, was
number one on the list. Seeing their pathetic faces always
cracked me up.
Good morning Tamara, heres your coffee and the
New York Times, she said. I threw my coat and hat on
her desk and she ducked to avoid any spills. I walked into
my office and she placed my coffee on the coaster.
Madison, I called, while pushing my reading
glasses forward on my nose. I sat straight and sighed-
ready to get going with this day. Whats the latest?
Nothing new has come up yet- except Mr. Brown
wants to meet with you during lunch, she said.
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Annnndrew Brown? I said, dragging out his first
name.
Yes maam, she said, while staring at me as if
she knew what I was about to say.
Oh great, I said while grinding my teeth- re-
pulsed at the very thought of his name. Mr. Brown was the
bank VP and a pain in the butt. Hes rude and cusses like a
sailor. And every time we have a lunch meeting, he re-
quest his favorite; Mexican food. He usually leaves me no
choice but to dip out early; his foul-smelling flatulence
that followed his intake of black beans, is never tolerable.
Because of this, I never met with him in person; only con-
ference calls. And, what did you tell him?
That your schedule is busy, she said. But, I can
call back and resch-
No! I shouted. You did great. Thanks. I wiped
sweat from my brow and turned toward my computer.
Thanks boss-lady, she said, while walking back
to her cubical. I look closely at her walk away, noticing an
attitude in her walk. And, I could have sworn I saw her
roll her eyes.
Madison, I called again.
Maam? she answered.
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She walked up to my desk pretty fast and I tight-
ened my eyes ready to notice her body language to see if
we had a problem.
Hmmmm... I said looking through my glasses
that sat on the tip of my nose.I could feel horns begin to
peak through my curls. I sized her up and down. Never-
mind.
I looked back down at my computer as she sighed
and walked off.
I grinned.
The only person in this office who should be al-
lowed to have an attitude is me, I thought.
I sat back in my comfy leather chair and slightly
turn it side to side with a pen under my lips. Opening my
laptop, I sighed, after having a sudden moment of intimi-
dation about my blind date last night. My mind spun in
confusion- leaving me unable to concentrate on work. I
contemplated calling Richard, but the moment I reached to
dial his number, I was interrupted by Madison- who came
racing in the office abruptly. Tamara, theres some guy at
my desk to see you. He said its urgent.
Urgent, I said, while putting my ink pen down.
Ill be there in a minute.
Walking out in the reception area, I felt my eyes
tightening up in anger as I looked at Derrick standing
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there with a dozen of red roses. I looked around noticing
how my messy employees couldnt help but stand there
getting full of the mornings cup of drama.
They whispered.
They laugh.
And, I stood there ready to explode in anger be-
cause he showed his crazy self at my job with a dozen of
roses for me. Obviously, he didnt get the message last
night. What are you doing here?I asked, as calm as I
could without getting hostile.
I just wanted to stop by and spread a little sun-
shine your wayumm and to apologize for last night-
that whole Tiffany thing, he said in a whisper.
Tiffany thing? people whispered inquisitively.
Everyone get back in your office and work,
NOW! I demanded. Derrick, Id appreciate it if you
would leave. And, take those roses with you. I begin
walking back to my office when suddenly; he grabbed my
arm and turned me around to stare in my face. My blood
boiled like lava under my skin. Then in front of Madison
and all of the other gossiping coworkers there, I grabbed
his arm and flipped him to the floor. I took off one of my
stilettos and pointed the sharp heel in his face. Dont ever
touch me again, unless you want to walk out of here with
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30
one eye. Now, get out of my building before I call the po-
lice.
Mouths were held wide open and silence filled the
office, as Derrick got up, slammed the roses on the floor
and sauntered out of the building. After his exit, everyone
applauded. I put my shoe back on and quickly flew into
my office- not giving anyone the satisfaction of an expres-
sion. I closed the door, sat in my chair and breathed a deep
sigh- shocked at what just happened in my office. With so
many unanswered questions like how did he get here and
what was he doing here, I put my head down to fight tears
that tried to escape. I felt like a gladiator.
My phone suddenly rang and I just stared at it, un-
sure if I wanted to answer because it just might be Derrick
calling about what just happened. Seconds later, my cell
phone vibrates. I knew it wasnt Derrick because he didnt
have my cell phone number. It was Richard.
Hi Richard. I sighed, hoping he would catch my
tone.
Uh oh, whats wrong cousin? You know I can
hear it in your voice.
Ill tell you all about it at lunch today. Is it still for
1PM?
Thats why Im callingto see if you want to
have dinner tonight instead. I wasnt sure if you could
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31
squeeze out of a meeting or something. Whats your
schedule looking like?
We can meet a little laterjust let me know
when.
Okay Tamara. You obviously have something
pressing on your mind. Whats going on? Do you want to
chat for a while before lunch? he asked in a voice of con-
cern.
I really dont want to bore you with my morning
drama, Richard. Im trying to stay focused, but it seems
like drama always finds me.
What happened, Tamara?
I just had the most ridiculous thing happen to me
in this office. Last night, I agreed to a blind date- someone
Tonya set me up with- and this guy was a ridiculous
cheapskate wearing a purple pin-stripped suit. Crazy
drama broke out when our waiter recognized him as her
babys daddy.
Girl, why in the world did you agree to let Tonya,
of all people, set you up? You shouldnt have expected
anything less from the ghetto girl.
I leaned back in my chair and laughed a bit at how
right he was. Yeah, youre right.
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32
Well, just let that chip fall off your shoulder,
Tamara, he said. That was just some crazy thing that
doesnt mean anything.
What happened last night is not whats bothering
me. Its what happened this morning thats putting a thorn
in my side.
I stood up to lock my office door and closed the
blinds before digging into detail about my morning inci-
dent. It was nobodys business- although most of the office
saw what happened.
To make a long story short, Derrick decided to
come to my office with a bouquet of roses. When I refused
them and told him to leave, he got upset, grabbed my arm
and got a little hostile with me.
Are you serious? Do I need to go find this dude?
Richard asked, after taking one short breath.
Not really. My kickboxing training kicked in and
before you know it, this dude was on the floor. It was so
embarrassing.
Well, alrighty then, Richard said, mocking co-
median Jim Carey. You always knew how to handle
yourself, he continued.
Awakened
33
I just didnt want to have to go there in my office
and in front of all the nosey people who work with me,
you know?
I bet they know not to bother you though, Ms.
Jackie Chan, he laughed.
I never like to get violent, but I wasnt having him
come into my place getting crazy because I turned him
down. Especially since hes one of those selfish non-child-
support-acting men.
I turned back around in my chair and glanced out
of the window- looking for a peek of sunshine to over-
shadow my cloudy day.
Im just sick of trifling men. Its so hard to get a
good man these days. They are either on the down-low,
have no job or are still living with their mama. Im run-
ning out of time now if Im supposed to be getting married
before Im 40.
So, thats your timeline huh, 40? he replied.
Why dont you just trust God that hell send you a man in
his perfect timing?
I sighed.
For a brief moment, a wave of conviction startled
me. Richard was right. But, an unjust feeling took prece-
dence over conviction, as I just couldnt help but think of
Kennisha Hill
34
how old I was. I needed God to move on my behalf, and I
needed him to move fast.
There you go preaching to me Reverend Richard.
Look, I know God is able. I just hope he hurries up before
I join the military or something.
Maybe thats what you need to doforget about a
man right now and get your relationship right with God
first.
God and I are straight. Im in church every Sun-
day.
That doesnt mean a thing, he snapped.
It does to me.
Well, youve got to do better than that. You need
to really learn how to seek him....to know him...know
what Im saying?
I could hear his tone deepen, as if he really was
trying to stress his point. Yes, I know I need Jesus...but
right now, my problems seem a whole lot more important.
Then, a light bulb went off and I found myself zoning out,
while staring at my computer. I cant find or keep a man
because no man in his right mind would be with someone
whos experienced it all.
Anyway, I sighed, snapping out of my starry
look. Who am I kidding? I cant keep a man. Who would
be with a damaged woman like me? That incident with
Awakened
35
Derrick was probably a sign. Maybe it was a prophetic
message declaring the truth; that Im destined to be
alone, I pouted.
I paused and walked over to the mirror and gazed
at my black Mercedes. I was somewhat proud of my ac-
complishments. I had a nice car and condo. Im cute and
single, making good money as the manager at the best
bank in Seattle. But, broken relationships always caused
women like me to put up a huge defense mechanism,
which usually pushed men away. The only real missing
puzzle piece in my life was a man who loved me. And I
was beginning to think that was far from happening for
me.
See, you talking like that will only make your
husband-search that much harder, he said. And trust me,
I know.
I knew exactly what Richard meant by that. With
so much of his relationship advice, anyone would think he
was in a healthy and stable relationship. Instead, Richard
decided to take the latter route and pursue his career.
Why are you so adamant about preaching to me
about this. Why shouldnt I just do me like you are doing
you?
Hes probably preaching to me about this because
he really wants it for himself and dont want me to take
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36
the same mistake he did. I dont see why his life is such a
bad one. Then again, instead of meeting with his wife or
fiancee for dinner, hes scheduled to meet with me. I
glared outside of the window into the distance and tried to
imagine my life like his.
Because you dont have to be like me. You really
want love. So, just wait for it.
True.
Anyway, lets meet up for dinner instead of lunch.
You should get back to work. Ill talk to you a little later.
Oh and tonight, lets eat somewhere a little pocket
friendly. A brother is a bit broke these days. How about
Ruby Tuesdays for 6PM?
Thatll work. Ill be there. I hung up the phone
frustrated. That talk didnt work, I thought. I was hoping
for a pat on the back and an Its gonna be ok Tamara. A
bit more sympathy would have helped. Instead I got a slap
in the face with a huge reminder of how unfortunate I am
to be single if I want to be married before that agonizing
thought of being 40. According to Richard, I have a lot of
work to do and letting go apparently is number one on the
list. But, how does a woman like me let go? Ive been
through so many relationships. Ive dated every man in
the state of Washington. And find a man in my home town
of New Orleans? Please. Those come few and far between.
Awakened
37
Besides, Id never move back to that city. I found enough
energy to move this far out- my hope is that a wholesome
Christian man is out there and that hes looking for me be-
cause, from now on its all about Tamara and not about
anyone else.
The end of the work day came like a slow mov-
ing tortoise and my mind was racing as if it was the hare. I
needed to get out and break a sweat at my headquarters of
stress-relief; the local 24-Hour Fitness. I needed to kick-
box my way into oblivion. The cares of this world
weighed more than a ton of bricks on my shoulders and I
was eager to punch a bag to let it go. I swiped my badge
and entered in on a mission: Operation let it go. My
cousin made it clear that I was holding on to some bag-
gage that needed disposal. And, besides sporadic journal
writing, working it out at the gym was the only other way
I knew how to do that.
I decided to jump on the treadmill first. To the left
of me was a heavy-weight woman, walking a slow and
Kennisha Hill
38
steady pace and watching Oprah on the television screen
above her. She didnt look like she was concentrating on a
work out. I could see the bag of chips coming from her
pouch that hugged her stomach so tight it hit her belly but-
ton under a flap of skin; sad. To the right of me was a His-
panic man. He was easy on the eyes and buffed up with
huge biceps and a 12-pack. He was running the fastest
pace on the machine. His eyes were closed and sweat was
dripping from his face- like running water from a faucet.
He was on a mission. He opened his eyes and immediately
looked at my butt before looking at my face. Pervert! I
thought. This good looking man couldnt at least look me
in the eye first before taking a peek.
This is nonsense.
The fire in my eyes intensified as I kept running,
which caused my pace to quicken. Why do men think they
can be so nasty all the time? With a frowned face and
sweat flowing from my face onto the towel that was
wrapped around my neck, I felt anger began to flare up in
me. Tamara, you dont need a stinky, filthy man to fulfill
your life. Youve got this all taken care of on your own, I
thought. And then I smiled deviously. I dont need a man.
It seems like they are just taking up space and causing
chaos. They are lucky we need them for reproduction pur-
poses.
Awakened
39
Five
Richard and I met at Ruby Tuesdays for dinner.
We decided to sit outside and endure the winter weather,
hoping for more privacy. But, I didnt mind. My eyes were
smitten by the beautiful cars that rode pass us as we sat
waiting for our dinner. This Ruby Tuesday was a bit class-
ier than Ive experienced back at home. Here they actually
brought coffee to you while you waited. I closed my eyes
taking in the beautiful mountainous scenery of Seattle.
From our table, we caught an incredible view of down-
town Seattle. Lights filled the sky and I became lost in
them. Richard snapped his fingers in my direction to
awaken me from a daze, Hello Tamara come from
out of la la land and back to Earth, he said.
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40
Clearing my throat, I looked at him and said
Beautiful night isnt it? before I looked ahead and pulled
a binder out of my briefcase. Just then a gorgeous black
Ferrari drove by. Now, thats my goal man one of those
babies.
What are you talking about? You have a Mer-
cedes, he shook his head and said.
"Anyway, I replied, ignoring the truth. Yes, I did
have a Benz, but that was not going to be the last level of
success Id reach. I needed more.
Whatever, since we were meeting here, I thought
Id bring my binder to show you what my future profes-
sional plans were, I sighed. You know Im always think-
ing ahead.
Whats all that? Richard said, as he flipped
through the pages. I thought we were going to talk about
relationship stuff, not business plans.
These are my future goals. I explained. The
other night I had a lot of free time on my hands to do some
research and put together a ton of information about what
my career goals are. Lately, I seem to be searching for bet-
ter direction for my life. You know me, I'm just trying to
keep up with you, I said, laughing at his attentiveness.
Richard is one of two first cousins Im very close
to. He is a Cardiology intern at St. Mildreds Hospital in
Awakened
41
Macon, GA but often flies here for meetings. I love his
time here, because we get to catch up on each other's love
lives and do some restaurant-hopping, earnestly searching
for the next best dessert.
Oktell me more. He said, while he flipped
through the pages of my neatly organized 20 page binder.
Well, Ive been thinking. So far, I guess you can
say I am doing well out here. I moved to Seattle to make
something better of myself, but I often feel very stagnant
in my current career- like there is no way I can do what I
truly want to do as a profession, I said, while I looked at
the ground. I honestly dont feel like I can really move up
in corporate American like I want to. So, Ive been think-
ing about going back to school to finish my Masters in
Psychology concentrating in Forensics.
I was sure hed be excited to hear me prepare to get
back to chasing my dream of working for in law enforce-
ment. Although, Id much rather work for the DEA, I fig-
ured this would be my next step in that direction. I awaited
his response and called the waiter to order a cup of hot tea.
Wow he said in a perplexed voice. Forensics?
He paused. Are you sure you want to work with the thugs
in jail? You know they look for ways to get even with so-
ciety for putting them on lock down. I mean, youre tough
and all....but Tamara
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42
Oh Please. I interrupted him. I am not easily
intimidated.
Im just sayingfor your safety he added. You
dont necessarily look like somebody whod work with
prisoners.
I sat back, shook my head and smacked my teeth at
his ignorance. What does he know about what I can or
cant do? He works in the medical field.
Come on now; we're from New Orleans and you
know us New Orleans folk are not easily moved. Besides,
I'd be there to help them sort through their issues and sur-
vive being in prison- even mental imprisonment can be
treacherous. And, even the crazy people need someone to
talk to; might as well be someone, like me, who can set
em straight.
You are right about that. He adds. ...and you of
all people are certainly capable of doing so. I felt he was
sarcastic.
Do you mean that? I asked, hoping he was being
truthful.
He sighed.
Are you sure about this?
I thought about it long and hard.
Awakened
43
I know youve been thinking about working for
the government ever since you were a little girl... he
sighed. I guess if anything this would help get you there.
I smiled. Thats more like it.
Thanks Richard. Anyway, I only have about 2
semesters left; besides, after all of my men drama, I can
finally concentrate, focus on me and get this done. I dont
have time for games anymore, I said, while watching
people walk in and out of Ruby Tuesdays. I began to feel
a little more of a chill and shivered. I really hope the wait-
ress is on her way with my tea.
You know Tam, I feel you there with wanting to
move ahead in life, but I dont want you to end up like me
cousin he said.
His voice sounded more like a plea. And I didnt
blame him for feeling that way. Ever since he broke up
with his fiance three years ago, he stopped pursuing love.
Hes still single.
Just make sure this isnt a sudden decision be-
cause of your heartache, he continued.
Sudden decision? I said. Our conversation sud-
denly escalated to a completely different level. I then
looked to the side with a frustrated grin growing on my
face. I snatched my binder back and turned to the front
page and pointed at it. Cant you tell I thought this
Kennisha Hill
44
through? Look at all of my research! I wouldnt have
wasted time if I wasnt serious.
Im hardly impressed he said, folding his arms
and looking the other way. I dont mean to get you upset,
but you have a tendency to start stuff and dont finish
them. You need to be more honest with yourself.
Honest with myself?
Yes. Youre lonely Tamara. You walk around
thinking you are this big-shot person whos got her life
under control, when control is not even a word in your vo-
cabulary. You need stability. You need to loosen up. I
didnt want to say this, but, you need A MAN; A Godly
man. Like I said before, you need to pray for the Lord to
send your husband to you. And stop dating these knuckle
heads like Derrick, he shouted.
Now, youre crossing the line I stood up and
grabbed my purse and binder. I stumbled to the nearby
trash can. Look, I didnt come here to hear all of that. I
thought wed enjoy a nice dinner. Now, Ive got to go.
Tamara, where are you going? he asked. I
didnt mean to upset you.
Upset me? I said with fire in my eyes. No, you
borderline ticked me off. You didnt have to get so per-
sonal. I said. Youre going to end up making me catch a
case up in here tonight. I really should leave.
Awakened
45
The crowd of people in Ruby Tuesdays stared at
our table. With a blank gaze in my eyes, I thought of the
truth behind Richards words. Prayer isnt something I
truly considered. I only hoped, dreamt but prayer? I
didnt have much time to get on my knees and pray. This
is something I would have to try because maybe God
would hear me that way.
You know, what you really need is Jesus he said.
And whens the last time youve been to church any-
way? he continued.
Look, I go to church. Dont question my relation-
ship with God. Were doing just fine together.
Sit down please and lets talk about why were
here. He said, hoping to use his voice to calm my frustra-
tions. I just wanted to be honest with you. Im your
cousin, and I love you, but youre not getting any younger
and I know you really want to settle down. How are you
holding up with the Benjamin situation? he asked.
My heart sank and I could feel a rush of emotions
try to take control, as my frustrated emotions dissipated.
He touched a heart-broken nerve, which infused me and
made me take a seat.
Im fine. I said as I folded my arms and allowed
the brick wall to guard my true feelings.
Kennisha Hill
46
I dont believe you. What happened he asked,
stepping into shrink mode.
Its a long story that I really dont feel like get-
ting into. But, to make a long story short, Benjamin pretty
much came clean and admitted to cheating on me with an-
other woman; with Angela.
Isnt Angela the girl who was supposedly his
friend from college? Richards jaw dropped in awe with
his mouth wide open. Thats foolishness!
Um hm, Yes! I nodded my head in agreement.
And to add insult to injury, Angela and I were good
friends for a while and he was cheating with her most of
the time we were together. I had no idea. So, technically
speaking, Im the dumb one. I should have known.
But, how could you have known?
I hunched my shoulders and shook my head as if to
say I dont know.
Anyway, that was the sign I needed to do some-
thing better with my life. There was no sense in sitting
around crying all day over a guy who didnt know the
meaning of the words commitment and faithfulness.
Thats terrible cousin. I was rooting for you two
Richard replied.
It is what it is. Ive tried this relationship thing
and you see thats gotten me nowhere. For now, I think I
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47
am going to just focus on me and try not to think twice
about a man right now. I can probably do better for myself
than a man can do for me anyways.
I hear that and I know you mean what you say,
Richard said. But, take my advice and go home and pray.
Talk to God about what happened. Only he can bring your
true deliverance from Benjamin and only He will send the
right man your way, if thats what you want.
Yeah...
Yeah it is... or...
I paused, knowing hes waiting for a honest re-
sponse, but I shook my head not really wanting to speak
the truth. Yes I do want to be in a real relationship, more
than the career I want. But, since one thing wasnt work-
ing, whats left for me to do beside get moving?
It is and youre right, Richard. I stood up, again,
this time to give him a hug. His embrace was warm and it
helped take the chill away. Thank you, cousin, for the pep
talk. Sorry I got so upset.
Still hugging me, Richard said, Just trust me on
my advice. I know you and I know you want to settle
down so badly. And I believe marriage and family is for
you. Remember what I said and go talk to the Lord. Okay?
Good night cousin. Will talk with you later.
Kennisha Hill
48
My walk to the car met me with tears. Reflecting
on the past always brought unwanted feelings back to the
surface. Richard was right. Only God could help me. After
arriving home, I braced myself and wrote another letter in
my journal.
Awakened
49
Six
My office typically had me feeling as if my desk
sat in the middle of an icy Colorado blizzard. I may as
well had been sitting outside. Goodness, its cold in here. I
sat in my chair with my hands directly in front of my
space heater when Madison trotted in; performing her
usual meticulous routine. I grew annoyed at her absent-
mindedness and said, How many times do I have to tell
you to knock?
Sorry, I just wanted to make sure
You just wanted to make sure...nothing, I inter-
rupted. Just remember next time. My temperature
started to rise and my nerves became vexed. And, why is
it so frazzling cold up in here? I shouted.
Ill get right on it boss, she replied.
Madison was my personal puppet and I enjoyed
every bit of making her do what I wanted her to. She was
Kennisha Hill
50
a smart Seattle University graduate and enjoyed her job,
but I needed to show her how tough it could be in this
world. I wasnt nearly as mean as I could be.
She rushed through the office asking everyone if
they'd seen Tom, the maintenance manager. I got up and
closed my office door for some privacy.
While its quiet, I looked through office invoices
to work on a file that was brought to my attention early in
the week. Whats this? I about gasped for my breath when
I found a picture of Benjamin in there. I thought I got rid
of this thing. I got up, closed the blinds to my door win-
dow and locked it so Madison couldnt just barge in like
she typically did. Finally, I can be alone with my thoughts,
without any interruptions. I leaned back and took a deep
breath and at the same time wasted thoughts on the man
whos to blame for the venomous bite I have developed. I
looked in his eyes to see if I could forgive him, but
quickly turned away from the picture. His brown eyes still
made my heart palpitate. I was not over him, and that was
a reality I was going to have to face someday.
When I thought it was real, I was in love with Ben-
jamin; enough to make every effort to contact him every
chance Id get during his frequent visits to Seattle to check
on his mom. Though tall and muscular with a chocolate
complexion, he is often seen with a cigar in his mouth and
Awakened
51
a beer in his right hand. A site for sore eyes, Id call him,
but with the vicious personality of a tormenting demon. I
tried to ignore the obvious- his true identity- which was
hidden by stunning good looks and charming debonair
swagger. Yet, so often I was left disappointed.
We started talking at Tulane University in New Or-
leans when he was a military student. We hooked up, had a
few drinks and kicked it off real well. We were youngsters,
but our love seemed mature. I was devastated when I
found out he had to go to Afghanistan. It seemed like our
soldiers were getting killed every day there. But, I was
sure our love would last. We kept in touch- even when he
left for Afghanistan. I was desperate to stay in his life so I
called him long distance from work and wrote him emails
every day professing my love for him and how Id wait for
him. When I finally moved to Seattle and he came to visit,
it was as if a different man that walked off the plane. I just
assumed he needed my healing from the traumatic experi-
ence that war was. I thought it stressed him out com-
pletely. Maybe he shot someone. Maybe he was shot at.
Millions of possibilities crossed my mind. Initially, I felt
sorry for him and hoped my tender heart could help heal
his wounds, but a little later I discovered- there was no
hope in my control. He was no longer the sweet gentleman
Kennisha Hill
52
who opened doors for me or held me. He somehow trans-
formed to another man.
He became inconsiderate. He never returned a
phone call, never replied to an email and never came to
see me. There was always a reason why we couldnt hang
out. His friends were usually the culprit. I never made it
to number one on his list. Never. For that matter, I hardly
ever saw myself as priority number two or three. He lost
most of the qualities I loved about him, from his charming
wit to his compassionate spirit; it seemed there was barely
even a shell of the man I met left. Because of this, life as I
knew it slowly began to deteriorate and my heart seemed
to turn into a stone not unlike his.
Suddenly, my stream of conscious thought ran into
a dam of interruption. Boss, I think you want to see this!
Madison shouted. I hurried to put the picture in my bottom
desk drawer under the stack of books, closed and locked
it.
What is going on out here? I walked out to
Madisons desk. Are you crazy? Dont ever yell in this
office again, or youre fired.
Boss, I just didnt know any other way to get you
out of here. Were having a fire drill.
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53
Fire drill? I said, feeling slightly apologetic for
my abrasive rebuke. Thanks. I didnt hear the alarm in
my office.
Remember? They are still working out the kinks
in that system. Thank God its not a real fire, or boss lady,
you would have been the one fired, she said laughing.
I looked at her with a straight face, taking note of
her wit but showing no emotion.
I cleared my throat. Well, thanks I said,
still feeling bad about being so rude.
We walked down the stairs and stood outside. The
cool chill of Seattles winds gave me chill bumps. It made
me stand still, folding my arms together to try and warm
them. Its so cold; you could see fog come from every-
ones mouth as they spoke. Madison, do me a favor and
grab me a mocha latte.
Sure, boss lady. Madison walked next door to
Starbucks right before we were allowed back into the
building. Thank God, I thought as we entered in. I walked
back up to my desk; in such a zone that I ignored every-
ones hellos and entered my office, once again closing the
door behind me. Still shivering from the cold office, I tried
to log on to my computer and get some work done.
The screensaver on my computer is that of my
eight year old cousin, Kris. I stared at him, his cute smile
Kennisha Hill
54
and beautiful eyes that chipped away at the layer of frus-
tration that almost ruled me. His vibrant, youthful inno-
cence brought me joy and took me to a softer place. Emo-
tions tried to swelter up in me, as I thought of children and
how Id love to have a family. Yet, instead I sat as some-
bodys boss with a heart and will of tempered iron. I
placed my hands over my face and leaned on my desk.
Lord, I dont know whats going on or what Im
doing I said, as I let out a huge sigh while staring out of
the window, observing sunlight dance off of the Space
Needle. I dont even know if you are listening to me any-
more. Im trying to let gobut its just so hard to. I think I
am doing whats right. Ive tried the dating thing, but it
just keeps failing for me. I dont want to live a rebellious
lifestyle. Ive stopped clubbing and I think Im doing what
you want me to do, by moving forward in a stable career.
God, just please show me the way.
Awakened
55
Seven
Madison loudly opened the door, almost stumbling
into the office. Her timing couldnt have been anymore
impeccable as I had just closed out my prayer. Girl, you
really should knock before you come in here, I said, ex-
erting myself as the authoritarian boss I like to think I am.
Youve got one more time...
But boss, heres your coffee, she contended.
Thanks. But still knock.
Well, I saw you with your head on your desk; I
wasnt sure what youd want me to do. I had been standing
there for about 10 minutes, she said, still dressed in her
coat and gloves. Is everything ok?
Everything is just fine. Just a little headache, but
nothing I cant shake off. Thanks for asking. Go back to
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56
work now, I replied, sharply insinuating that she remove
herself from my office.
Maybe my life isnt as bad as I thought it was. Im
a young branch manager for a prestigious bank between
Puget Sound and Lake Washington in Seattle. Some co-
workers call me "Ms. Black Hillary," because Im in-
tensely observant and organized when it comes to daily
operations. I should run for President, I chuckled to my-
self. I do find myself overly obsessive about the order of
things at times, and people often stay out of my way as a
result. I do have to admit that my stress level directly co-
incides with the dissatisfaction I find in my job. I hate it
here. Every single day the same routine, same people and
same stale atmosphere greeted me like the cousin that
won't move out.
The only thing I look forward to is checking my
email, hoping I could develop some sort of meaningful
conversation with someone from the outside world. This
job is for the sea-hawks, I think. Suddenly, Microsoft Out-
look alerts me that I have a new email message from
sender: CIA Recruiting. I scurry to my door, carefully
closing and locking it, anticipation pulsing deep within.
CIA Recruiting? I think. What in the world, I
whispered silently. "Why would they send me an email?
Surely this is a hoax. My mouth dropped like the Seattle
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57
rain in disbelief as my eyes double in size. This has to be
some phishing scam type of sick joke.
Dear Tamara,
This message is to inform you that we have re-
ceived your application and it is under review at the time.
We would like to discuss further the possible career oppor-
tunities that may become available. If you are interested in
beginning a career with us, please respond promptly.
Please notify us with the same urgency if you are not in-
terested. Your point of contact is Staci Wellington, Re-
cruiter.
Best Regards,
CIA Recruiting Office
Dozens of questions began to flood my conscious-
ness, but my only answer was to quickly minimize the
email. I froze in shock and once again thought how cruel a
joke this had to be. I sat for a moment to take it all in,
moving closer to my screen, and nearly bumping my nose.
I scrolled through my contact list, I tossed possibilities to
and fro. Hmm if anyone was up to this, it would proba-
bly be that child of a man Benjamin. Probably thought it
would be a funny joke to get someone to send a prank
Kennisha Hill
58
email like this. With my thoughts in a listless jumble, I de-
cided the best person to call- yet again- was Richard. He
will be the one, most likely, who would be able to talk me
into a state of clarity. I became paranoid that the CIA
might just have tapped my work phone, so I thought to
take my cell to the courtyard and call him from there. Nah.
I decided to just stay inside. I suddenly felt too nervous to
walk outside of my office.
Like they cant tap my cell phone too.
Richard! Its me, Tamara! I whispered, trying not
to let my composure unravel anymore.
Are you ok? Why are you calling me from your
cell? And your voice is shaking, like youre nervous about
something.
Richard, this is going to sound absolutely prepos-
terous, but I promise that I am nothing but serious.
Ok. Go on.
I sat back in my seat and tapped a pen against my
desk indicating my nervousness.
I just got an email from a recruiter with the CIA!
Really? he asks.
Now, before you think I am crazy, I promise this
is no lie. I dont even know where they got my email ad-
dress from. I stood up and walked to the window to peek
out the blinds. I just got the message.
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59
So, what are they emailing you for?
Its a job opportunity. Sounds like they want to set
up an interview with me; the recruiter advised me to get
back in touch with her by phone or email if Im interested
in learning more.
So, what are you waiting for? Get off the phone
with me and give her a call, he said, urging me to pursue
the chance. Look cousin, Im just about to see a patient.
Let me get back with you later.
Ugh!
It was dumb of me to even call.
Thanks Rich. But, Im not going to call from
work. Im afraid they might have tapped my phone, I
cautiously stated. I walk back and forth in my office; pac-
ing and moving my cell away from my ear so I can hear
my thoughts. Should I call, should I leave it alone? I
wasnt sure. Come to think of it, now I remember applying
for an administrative support position with them a couple
years ago. Its as if a light bulb lit up in my brain. Rich. I
remember now, I said stalling to keep him on the phone.
What? he asked with aggravation in his tone.
Applying with them online. It took them almost
two years to get back with me about a job.
Im sure they didnt need you then and looks like
they need you now. Look, just stop being so nervous and
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60
call the recruiter before someone else beats you to it, he
said. He was definitely getting frustrated with me.
Youre right, and Im better than this to be acting
so nervous. Ill call and well see what happens.
Good. Ive got to go, so make that call. Im sure
theyre expecting you.
Me? Nervous? I cant believe Im not taking con-
trol of this situation. My thoughts went from one extreme
to the next. This must be my chance to do something big
with my life.
I gingerly sat in my chair, examining my cell
phone, my computer, and desk in case there were micro-
cameras or wires I could locate. My heart pounded at dou-
ble time boot camp cadence. Digging deep, I filtered my
anxiety away and focused on the newly presented possi-
bilities. Maybe the CIA had everything that Im in need
of- a true career that I can be passionate about, an unpre-
dictable schedule, and a tall, fine man. I need another cup
of coffee. Madison! I shouted, shattering the silence I
had settled into. She made an attempt to open the door,
before finding out it is locked.
Boss, you ok in there? she asked.
Yes. I needed another cup of the java. Oh, and I
have a very important phone call to make so I need you to
make sure I dont have any interruptions.
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61
What about your 3 oclock? Madison asked.
What do you think? I answered sarcastically.
She paused and looked to the ceiling. I promise,
this girl asks like she has no brain sometimes.
How would you like the java? she retorts
smugly.
One hazel nut creamer, three packs of sugar and
smart- aleck free
I can handle that. Ill be right back. Madison
closed the door and rushed to the break room. While wait-
ing, I crossed my legs and put on my reading glasses. I
grabbed a note pad, a pen, and scribbled a mock script of
the call Ill be putting in to Ms. Wellington. Madison
strolled back in to the office with a mug in her hand.
Your coffee she said, setting it in the spot
where I motioned her to.
Wait, stand right here and make sure I like it
first. Gosh, that was mean, I thought. I took a sip and
changed my tone. Thank you darling. By the way, youre
doing a pretty good job here. I notice things and Im sorry
for being such a witch at times, I said, hoping to put a
smile on her dorky face. I really did feel bad for being so
mean. More importantly, I didnt want God to not give me
the job for being like that with her. I figured I should learn
how to love people. And, I heard a nice word stretched
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62
miles with some people. Madison seemed to be the gulli-
ble type of person to accept that fake complement too.
Besides being jittery about the call, Im nervous
about what would happen if everything fell into place.
Me? A CIA Agent? Im hardly qualified with only a Bache-
lors degree.
I dialed the number with clammy hands tingling.
Maybe its for an Administrative position, maybe man-
agement. The phone rang softly and I sat straight up, pre-
pared for any brutal question posed.
Hello, may I speak with Ms. Wellington please,
I said with confidence in my tone.
This is Staci.
Hi Ms. Wellington. This is Tamara Thompson. I
just received an email from you earlier this morning. I
closed my eyes and took a deep breath while being on
edge about her next statement.
Yes. Ms. Thompson. How are you this morning?
Well, in all honesty, Im doing well, just a little
anxious to hear about what this email is leading me into.
Dont be nervous at all Ms. Thompson. Its a le-
gitimate offer for an opportunity to work for the elite
agency of the U.S. government.
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Is it really? I paused and sat more comfortably in
my chair. I barely remember filling anything out. How
long ago was it that I first applied?
It has been almost two years since weve received
your application. Weve had a ton of interviews for vari-
ous positions and were just getting to the Analyst appli-
cants.
Analyst? I applied for an analyst position? Im a
manager, that cant be. Ms. Wellington, I dont recall
what I applied for back then, but I actually am currently a
Bank Manager and would love to explore possible man-
agement or supervisor positions within the Agency, if they
are available.
Our management positions are very demanding,
and are typically filled by people who started off as ana-
lyst; sometimes secretaries. The information they access is
too sensitive to expose to unseasoned civilians. Thats why
this position would be a good start for you, if you are in-
terested.
My legs uncrossed as I scooted forward in my
desk, maximizing my email, and quickly scanned my daily
to-do list. Displeased, I eagerly responded with a quick
yes, hoping to get started with the interview process im-
mediately. I took a deep breath and reformulates my hasty
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response. Yes. Id love more information about proceed-
ing with a career as a part of the CIA.
Wonderful. Well, I will send out a welcoming
packet to you. It includes a very important instructional
letter. Im going to rush it, which means you should get it
tomorrow. Please understand that it wont specify exactly
where its from; it will simply say its from Washington,
D.C. Its very important that you follow the instructions
completely on the letter. If for some reason you dont re-
ceive the letter this evening, give me a call. Does that
sound good?
Yes. I completely understand. I will look out for
the letter today.
Wonderful. Ms. Thompson, if you have any ques-
tions about anything in this process, please do not hesitate
to give me a call.
Thanks Ms. Wellington. I appreciate that.
And you can call me Staci. Ms. Wellington makes
it sound like Im old or something.
Ok Staci. Thanks again.
You too. Bye now.
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65
Eight
Strangely both excited and anxious to get the letter,
I grabbed my brief case and my purse and immediately
rushed out my office. I left out so fast that I forgot to close
out my email and shut down my computer. I was too lazy
to turn around so I yelled to Madison for her to do it for
me.
Madison, Im leaving early. Do me a favor and
shut down my computer and close and lock my door.
I sure hope she heard me.
I rushed home; trying to beat Seattles often
backed up traffic- especially traveling up Interstate 405. I
opened my door and stepped inside my custom designed
town home that stood in mountainous North West Seattle.
My condo sat high on the 4th floor. I took a deep breath
and exhaled; letting calmness overtake me.
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66
I threw my keys on my dark honed granite counter
top before taking my shoes off and sliding around on my
dark Brazilian hardwood floor. A secret trick of mine was
to slide down the hall all the way from the kitchen to bed-
room. I love this place, I said out loud, while extending
my arms out.
I grabbed my remote and headed for the living
room to flop on my cherry red sectional. I attempted to
catch the news, while waiting for my package. UPS should
be here in a few, I thought. I checked my answering ma-
chine messages and didnt anticipate anyones call. Since
Im too busy with my routine, I never have time to social-
ize much with people unless its a special occasion or Im
using someone for their time to fill a void in my life. My
message light blinked, signifying a missed call and mes-
sage before a deep voice erupted from my machine. It was
Benjamin.
Hey Tam. Um... I could sense hesitation in his
voice. I rolled my eyes and continued to listen.
Im going to be in the area this weekend visiting
my mom and thought about stopping by to say hello. Let
me know if we can get together. I stood still; shocked that
he decided to give me a call after all the drama he recently
put me through. Some nerve I said, while grinding my
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67
teeth. I flipped through the news channels and glance at
my clock thats hanging over my 40 in flat screen.
Its about 4pm and I havent received the letter yet?
Whats taking so long?
I felt myself getting impatient so I walked in the
kitchen and prepared to fix a peanut butter and jelly sand-
wich. I suddenly developed the urge to have a distraction
so I figured only one person I knew could help me have a
no-brainer moment to take my mind off of the CIA and
Benjamin. Let me just call my girl Tonya and see if she
wants to hang at a sports bar or something, I said to my-
self. I stood there with one leg leaning on my bar stool and
the other on the ground, as I made my sandwich. I hope
shes not there, I thought, indecisively. She was good for
company sometimes, but I had to make sure I was men-
tally prepared for her mess.
Oh, great, I whined.
She answered.
Tonya, hey its Tamara. Want to go hang out at
Daves Sports Bar tonight? Wings on me? I said although
I honestly hoped shed turn down the offer. I peeked out of
the window and saw her cute silver Audi parked out front.
Tonya and I lived in the same town home community and
were exactly alike, which is why we could only spend an
hour together a week. We met the day I moved here from
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New Orleans. While Benjamin and I were unloading my
car, she offered to help. I felt she was genuine, so I let her
help. And then there was no escaping her. Every time I
went to the store, gas station or Daves, she was right
there. I took that as a sign that we needed to be friends.
And so, we exchanged numbers and kept in touch. She
turned out to be a good shopping and wing-eating friend.
But, we both have very strong personalities. We were two
sharks trying to get ahead no matter what. The only differ-
ence is she slept with men for attention and she did it quite
often. I wasnt going to sleep my way to the top, unlike
her. I longed for affection but didnt want to catch an STD.
Tonya made for good company, but only for a very short
amount of time. If we hung together any longer than that,
it wouldnt be pretty.
Sure. Im down. Are you ready now? she asked.
Let me grab my keys. Meet you down stairs in
five, I replied. I quickly changed from out of my work
clothes, into a comfortable short sleeve turtle neck and my
boot-cut jeans. I slipped on my fuzzy bear boots and grab
my scarf, purse and keys. After I grabbed by leather
jacket, I set my alarm and headed out the door.
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69
nine
The sports bar was crowded, smoky and warm
with a musky scent. Thank God I didnt wear a long
sleeve turtle neck. Its always toasty in here. I muffled
under my breath and fanning my face with a menu. I slid
my jacket off and whistled at the bartender to get his atten-
tion.
Hey, can I get a 10 piece hot wings with potato
skins on the side?
I scanned the room hoping not to run into Benja-
min, who also grew fond of this place when we dated. We
came there often. We had good wings and good conversa-
tion. Tonya waved for me at a small table with two chairs;
insisting I come have a seat.
Orders up for Tamara, a 10 piece with skins, the
bartender said moments later. He pushed the food basket
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70
in my direction. I walked over to the table and sat down
ready to tackle my steaming hot wings.
So, whats wrong with you today? You look like
youre spooked of something Tonya said, while staring at
her menu.
Here we go. I knew she would try to speculate
about why I wanted to come here.
I signed.
Scared? What do you mean?
Well, for starters, you barely touched your wings.
Second, you have a different vibe about you this evening.
Third, you dont even notice that fine handsome thang
across the room staring you down right about now.
I carefully tilted my head to the side to see who she
was talking about. I couldnt see who she was referring to
that I would be interested in. Within two seconds, I turned
my head back.
I just have a lot on my mind, Tonya. I quickly
glanced again. That time, I noticed the man and then
quickly looked the other way in disgust after he took a
puff of his cigar and exhaled dark smoke from his nose.
Thats just nasty.
Between eating my wings that melted in my mouth
and were finger licking good, I continued to explain. I
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71
just wanted to come here tonight so I could be distracted
from something. Its not a big deal. Its not a man issue.
I looked at Tonya with hopes of having a more se-
rious and less drama-filled conversation. Have you ever
felt like something spectacular was about to happen in
your life, but you wanted to make sure it is what you think
it is?
Um well, I think so. I mean, are you sure this isnt
about a man, said Tonya, talking with food in her mouth.
Girl, why does everything have to be about a
man? The look on my face immediately turned into one
of frustration. Then, my side vision caught a glimpse of a
man wearing a blue suit who looked like Benjamin. He
just walked in the bar.
Oh lawd.. I said, as I put my head down on the
table. Its him.
It had been a while since I saw him. And, our last
face to face visit wasnt pretty. He made me so mad about
Angela, I slashed his tires, egged his car and took a bottle
of red paint and splashed it all over the front of his brand
new Camero. I was an angry black woman and hes lucky
I didnt cut him.
Girl, you know we need a man; especially you,
Tonya continues. Speaking of, here comes your man right
now, she said. I knew she was talking about Benjamin. I
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72
closed my eyes and wished I could magically appear back
at home on my couch and as far away from Benjamin as
possible. Tonya decided to wave her hand at Benjamin,
signaling to him to come over to our table.
Ladies... how are you this evening, Benjamin
said.
Im great, Tonya said with a huge smile on her
face. I could have slapped her. I turned around in my seat
and reached into my purse; acting like I'm too busy to
speak.
Tamara, it's good to see you, he said, elevating
his tone to make it known that he sees me. And your hair,
its perfect on you, he referenced my new hair cut.
He had never seen me with short hair, especially
with my natural curly hair. When we were dating, my hair
was down my back, thanks to a good hair weave. I had it
touched up every month it seemed- spending more money
than I ever imagined on my hair just so I could look good
for him. He loved to run his fingers through my hair. It
was therapy for me. But after he cheated and betrayed our
friendship, I wanted to get rid of every part of us- includ-
ing my hair. I thought our relationship was too deep for
what happened. So, I did a Angela Basset and chop-
chopped it off. It took a while for it to grow on me, but I
learned to love it and celebrated my freedom.
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73
I took a quick glance in his direction, trying to
view the television behind him and noticed how appealing
he looked. He was dressed as if he just took a cover shot
photo for GQ Magazine. I sat there determined to not fall
for his charming presence. Instead of looking him in the
eye, I rolled my eyes and looked away in disgust that he
showed up here.
Well, do you mind if I join you? He persistently
asked.
Yes, I do mind. Can't you see we're talking, I
said, with an apparent attitude. I looked up with piercing
eyes as if I could burn the back of his skull with them.
Finally.... a word, he said.
Whatever. You may want to grab your own table.
In fact, you go on and have my seat. I was just about to
leave. I grabbed my purse and prepared to exit and Tonya
sat there staring at us as if she was watching a movie.
But Tamara, you don't have to- Tonya said, wav-
ing her hands to insist that I stay.
No girl. Thanks for the company, but I've got to
run anyway. Long day today- another one tomorrow.
I looked at Benjamin and then quickly looked the
other way before he could muffle a word. I paid the bar-
tender and walked out.
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74
Benjamin was known for his show-up tactics. It
was as if he knew I'd be there; like he has a GPS system
tracking my every move. He knew better than to try and
have small talk, when not too long ago he admitted to
cheating. No. I was not going to be the victim again and
fall for his schemes. He has no idea I'm a new diva with an
attitude and I dare him to try and cause confusion.
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75
ten
A typical night for me was a lonely one, especially
if Richard was out of town working. I often flopped on my
couch and caught the latest Sci-Fi movie that aired. I had
no company. No friends I could trust. No pet to play with.
My luxurious condo was empty and quiet. Sometimes in-
stead of entertaining myself with the latest horror film, I'd
just sit in silence, alone with my thoughts and a glass of
wine. Depending on my mood, I'd play Kenny G on the
stereo and imagine myself slow dancing with a tall hand-
some man. Deep inside, I longed for love and affection,
but I honestly felt it was too late; like I'd reached my limit
of heartache and like my heart waxed cold. I knew only
God could heal my wounds and that was if I let him.
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76
I debated whether or not I was going to call Ben-
jamin and apologize for being such a snob at the bar. I am
supposed to be a forgiving Christian, which explained the
conviction that weighed heavy on my heart. Maybe hes
changing and God is trying to let me know. To ease my
tension, I decided to light some candles, run a hot laven-
der silk bubble bath and close my eyes; allowing Calgone
to take me away. I exhaled in relief as I began to sink
deeper in my garden tub and let the silk beads gently exfo-
liate my skin. Then, my phone rang, breaking my silence
and interrupting my homemade spa treatment. I let it ring.
I am not about to get out this tub, I thought. As I leaned
back to let the bubbles massage my back, I reflected on
the best times I had with Benjamin. Walking up a trail.
Bike riding. Meeting each other for lunch. Lying next to
each other watching football. And then, there something
that I knew wed always share. Something that was so sa-
cred, I feared any other man would never want to be with
me after finding out. My relationship with Ben was deeper
than the typical love-hate relationship that most people
have. Much more was invested in what we shared. And,
money couldn't buy the time or experiences either. Then I
was reminded of how his confession made it all out to be a
lie.
Five whole years of a lie.
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77
It still made a tear drop from my eyes.
My phone rang again. This time, I got up to answer
it, already in a distracted state of relief anyway from think-
ing of Benjamin.
Hello. I said, in a busy tone.
Tamara, its Benjamin. I'm glad I caught you.
This is not the time. I'm busy, bye-, I said, trying
to rush off the phone.
No. Wait. he said, sounding as if something is
wrong. Can we talk, please?
I jumped out of the tub and put on my pink Victo-
ria's Secret robe and my matching fuzzy slippers.
What's wrong?
I just really need to talk to you. Can we?
He was starting to sound more like Tevin Campbell
instead of Benjamin Harris.
First of all, don't call my house acting like its ur-
gent. I don't want to talk to you. I have nothing to talk to
you about. As far as I'm concerned, you've done enough
talking the last time we spoke. There's nothing more to
say.
But Tamara, just let me...
Good-bye. I hung up amazed at how he thought I
wanted him to call me. I was going to call him, but I had
to make sure I was ready to have that conversation. I was
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78
not going to give him the satisfaction of an apology just
yet. He needed to deal with the guilt; even if he carried it
with him forever.
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79
Eleven
After a quick stop at my favorite coffee spot, I
rushed to the office anticipating the call I needed to make
to Ms. Wellington. Goodness. Im always rushing. Madi-
son stood there waiting to give me the New York Times,
and I passed her faster than a New York second. I had nei-
ther the time nor the willingness to stop for a split second.
Not even to say good morning. My mission was to find
out what all I needed to do to start this application process.
Now that the CIA is asking for me, each day at
work started to become more of a bore. Majority of my
co-workers are messy and despise me because, although I
was nearly two decades younger, they report to me. I loved
having the power but was anxious for more. I felt like I
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80
needed to escape. I needed to miraculously transform this
life of tension into one of serenity.
Immediately, after entering the office, my first in-
stinct was to check my mail box to see if something was
overnighted to me. Maybe Madison knows.
Madison! I yelled. She rushed in my door and
stood in front of my desk.
Yes boss. Good morning, she said, while looking
down.
Yeah, good morning. Did I receive a package here
early this morning? I said as I looked at my clock. It was
after 9am, and usually Fed Ex would have arrived in the
office by 8:30am with their morning delivery.
No. No package yet. Are you expecting some-
thing?
Of course, if Im asking if was a package deliv-
ered.
I stood up and folded my arms, frustrated that my
package hadnt arrived. Maybe she didnt send it. I
couldnt remember if she said she was going to send it
home or at my work address. Either way, no package
came. Madison , do me a favor and call Fed Exs office to
see if they have anything for me coming from Washington.
And dont mention this to anyone in this office, I de-
manded, hoping she caught my drift and wouldnt say a
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81
word. She had a tendency of opening her mouth especially
at unwanted times.
Sure no problem, she responded, scurrying out
the door.
I got up to close my door and noticed a gentleman
getting out of the elevator. Is that Benjamin? That cant
be... I turned my head knowing he is smart enough to
know not to come to my job. Still though, would he seri-
ously come up this way trying to surprise me with smooth
talk of getting back together? Am I crazy enough to fall for
that? I sat back at my desk and picked up the phone to call
Ms. Wellington.
Ms. Wellington, hi this is Tamara. I wanted to let
you know that I didnt receive the package in the mail yes-
terday. I dont know what could have happened, but it
never arrived.
Hello Ms. Thompson. Its ok. Dont panic, she
said, sighing under her breath. Im going to email you the
instructions for your first assessment. When you have time
tonight, please log into that website, put in the correct
code included in the email, and take the assessment. If you
have any questions about the email, please give me a call.
I want to remind you that you are required to not have any
assistance with this test. And, good luck!
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82
Ms. Wellington, I appreciate the opportunity and
will make sure to reply to your email, with a confirmation
that Ive received it. I articulated with hopes of giving off
a high level of professionalism. I was determined to make
a solid impression, signifying my capability of effectively
working for the Agency. I was a little more comfortable
with the idea of the CIA and began to embrace the thought
of serving my country.
Youre welcome, Ms. Thompson. Let me know if
you have any questions.
I will. Have a great day. I opened my email and
as promised, it was there. For the sake of complete pri-
vacy, I closed the blinds to my window and sat quietly to
review the instructions.
Wow, I am on my honor to take this test with no
assistance! I thought after taking a deep breath. I sat in
amazement at the possibilities of what this could mean for
my future. Not long ago I found myself hopeless and wor-
ried about what the next season of life would hold for me.
I was in an awful relationship and leading an existence
filled with nothing. I breathe air of conviction and if I
didnt know God, my life would have ended long ago-
possibly by my own hands. Now, it looked like I was fi-
nally dealt a better hand and no one was going to get in the
way of my success.
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83
My cell rang the hip sounds of Fresh Princes
Summer Time. It was Richard. I closed my email, walked
over to my window and reopened my blinds; soaking in
the sunlight
Richard, hows it going? more cheerful sounding
than an hour ago.
Its going well. You sound much better. Let me
guess, you met someone he said, accompanied by a
mischievous laugh.
Ha Ha, very funny. No, but I did finally get the
info I needed to get started with this application process.
I thought they sent a package out?
So did I. I didnt get it, which meant it might be in
the wrong hands. Thats all none and void now. She sent
an email and I have the instructions for an assessment to
take tonight. I looked out my window at Madison and
notice she is talking to Benjamin, who must have just got-
ten off the elevator. Oh great. Why did Benjamin just
walk in here?
Are you serious? You need to talk to him and let
that man apologize. You know he still loves you.
Yeah, just like he loves that other chicken head
too. I hate to cut this short- but Im going to bounce. Look,
tonight Im ordering Chinese from Kung Fu Chops. Come
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84
over and keep me company, while I take this test. Maybe I
can use some of your knowledge.
I stood up and walked to my door and turned
around, hoping he didnt see me through the window.
Thats the only disadvantage of having a big window in
front of my office. He would surely see me closing the
blinds. But I could see Madison walk up to knock on my
door, before I hung up the phone and turned my chair
around to hide. Two seconds later I heard a knock. Boss
lady, youve got a-. Before she could continue, I inter-
rupted her and said, Ok, let him in.
Letting my guard down, I took a deep breath, sat
up straight and looked forward, squinting my eyes and
looking at my PC to try and appear too busy for his non-
sense.
Benjamin, come in. He walked in and sat in one
of my guest chairs that was facing my desk.
Now, I know what youre going to say Tamara,
but will you please just let me ...
Oh stop with that. Dont come in here trying to be
cordial. Dont give me the green light to chew you out up
in here.
Are you done now? Because the way you are act-
ing is completely unnecessary, he said as he stood up.
Now, I can understand why youre so upset. He changed
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85
his voice to a whisper. But you really need to calm down
and stop being so cruel.
I knew it was a matter of time before he got an-
noyed at my attitude. But, I really didnt care. I folded my
arms to help prevent my rocket fire attitude from launch-
ing.
I am calm.
Can we just sit down and talk like two civilized
professional people? he asked.
Go on, Im listening. I said in a moderate to fast
pace. Now, what can I do for you?
I stared intensely in his face, noticing his neatly
trimmed goatee that half circled his full lips and chin. I
was anxious to hear his next words. But every time he
spoke, I imagined myself taking my paper-weight and
humming it across my desk and knocking him in the head.
I chuckled to myself. Hed deserve that. He made me just
that mad- even volatile.
I wanted to talk to you a bit about my mom, he
said, sounding a little emotional as if something was
wrong with her.
Wow, he hit me with a low blow.
Benjamin was either really dumb or incredibly
smart. He knew his mom and I were close, even though
its been a while since wed spoken. We became really
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86
close after he first introduced me to her. We quickly estab-
lished a close connection. We would hang out together and
have real girl talk, occasionally accompanied by jazz and a
glass of Arbor Mist, until I backed away because of my
drama with her son. I sat forward, gripping my hands to-
gether and opened my eyes a little wider- hoping he
wasnt there to deliver any bad news.
Is your mom ok? My voice shifted to one of
concern. I gripped the arm of my chair firmly, to brace for
the news.
Well, shes been having some heart issues, which
caused her to take a medical leave of absence. Shes home
more often than she likes and they say she may have to
have surgery. Shes doing fairly well besides that, but
hadnt heard from you in a while and wasnt sure what
was going on. She said she tried to connect with you but
you never return her calls. Shed really like to see you.
See me?
I was trying to keep at a distance from the family.
I didnt want to remain so close, considering what he and I
went through. After he cheated, I locked myself in solitude
and separated myself from any and everyone who had
anything to do with him. I couldnt find any other way to
get him out of my mind. I was surprised a bit about her
condition, yet concerned about her well-being. I took a
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87
huge, guilt- ridden sigh and said, I guess Ill have to
come by to see her.
Were having dinner tonight. Why dont you
come by and visit. Shed love to have you over.
I became nervous about the idea of seeing his
mom. It had been a long time and I was sure shed have it
in for me for being away for so long. I hesitated, begin-
ning to give a slow yes, but realizing I have to take my
assessment tonight and already invited Richard over to
help.
Ah, I snapped my fingers and sighed. I just re-
membered I have a test to take tonight. I dont know how
long Ill be.
A test?
Yes. Some business stuff. I spoke quickly, hop-
ing not to give him an opportunity to pry into my business.
Ill have to take a rain check.
He paused and rubbed his eyebrows with his right
thumb and index finger.
What time do you think youll be done? His
voice indicated disappointment. He must have been anx-
ious to see me later; maybe to talk more in- depth about
our issues. I took a huge breath and said, Ill try my hard-
est to make it there to see her. I owe her some time since
Ive been so busy.
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Great, Ill let her know. He stood up, buttoned
his jacket, and prepared to leave. Well, it was good to see
you again.
You mean to tell me, you came all the way across
town to my office to tell me about your mom. Is that all?
I waited for him to give me an apology. I just knew that
was why he came by.
Yes, thats all. When you wouldnt talk to me at
the bar, I figured Id get your undivided attention by com-
ing to your office. Thats the only thing you seem to do
these days anyway- work.
Funny, I retorted, following a thickly sarcastic
laugh. Apparently hes got jokes and thinks hes cute. Ill
be there about seven oclock.
Good. See you then.
Darn, I cant believe I agreed to go, I muffled to
myself. I was hoping it could be just the two of us catch-
ing up on girl talk. Benjamin walked out of the office and
I quickly closed the door to hold in the scent of his co-
logne. His aroma was intoxicating and brought back
memories. All I know is I cant remain in this state; I have
to really have it together when I see her tonight. She can
smell any over- emotionalism a mile away and was sure to
let me know about it.
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Twelve
Knock, knock, knock, a man shouted while si-
multaneously pounding hard at the door.
Im coming! Im coming!
I scrambled through my purse to try and find the
money and slipped on my pink fuzzy slippers. Then, I
looked at the door and noticed it was opened. My eyes
grew to a half-dollar size as I began wondering how in the
world that happened. I froze by my coffee table, and
grabbed my phone; ready to knock my intruder in the
head. My heart raced faster than a world class sprinter as I
prepared for impact. I tightened my lips and aimed when
suddenly Richards head popped in. He walked inside
holding the food.
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Girl, what are you doing? he said, with a nervous
crack to his tone. He ducked and moved back, getting out
of the line of fire. You are dangerous yeah, Tamara.
And you were seriously about to get hurt walking
up in my apartment like that. Are you crazy?
I put the phone back down and stood there with my
left hand over my chest taking a deep breath and looking
as if I was about to recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
Now, I have to take my pills to calm my nerves
down. Why did you just walk in here like that? Youre
only supposed to use my key for emergency purposes.
The man was waiting for you, so I paid him, took
the food and walked in. Im so hungry I couldnt wait for
you to glamour up just to get food out of his hands, he
laughed while he walked to the kitchen and grabbed a
plate. You know how you do.
Ha ha ha, I said sarcastically. Everyones got
jokes today.
You know Im telling the truth. Look at you
standing there with your pink fuzzy slippers on, thigh-high
daisy dukes and a tank top. You need to put some clothes
on.
Richard spoke in a big brother tone. He was very
protective of me, which I had to learn to appreciate. Be-
fore, it was just plain old aggravating.
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I just got out of the shower and was about to grab
my sweat pants. Anyway, I dont need to explain anything
to you. Youre lucky youre my cousin.
And youre lucky too. he said, That man could
have been crazy with you walking up to the door like
that.
Next time, just wait for me.
I grabbed the food from him and walked in the
kitchen to grab some paper plates.
Anyway, I continued. I brought my laptop up in
here so I can get started with this assessment. Im gonna
have to make this a quick one, I said while stuffing egg
rolls in my mouth before opening my laptop.
You should really take your time with this thing,
Tamara. He spoke sternly. Dont rush it. This is the
Agency were talking about.
I paused from eating my shrimp fried rice and
looked at Richard, who was getting his grub on. Ben-
jamin came to my office today, I said.
Whoa, he said, almost choking on his food. He
coughed and took a sip of his tea.
Thats a pretty bold move from him, huh? He
said, with his eyes almost bulging out of their sockets.
I know. But, it wasnt about us. It was about his
mom, Carolyn.
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Ms. Carolyn? I remember her. Hows she doing?
Shes ok. Apparently she really wants to see me.
You did dip out on her for a while. You should at
least call her.
I told Benjamin I was going to stop by and see her
after my test.
I logged on to the required website and immedi-
ately an enormous pop-up appeared on the screen that read
those familiar words I saw in my email,
YOU ARE ON YOUR HONOR TO TAKE THIS TEST
WITH NO ASSISTANCE!
There it was, in big red bold caps.
Wow Rich, check this out, I said trying to hide
the hair on my arms that suddenly stood at attention.
Hmm, interesting cousin. Well, that means Ill be
in your room lying on your California King-sized bed and
watching Good Times on your DVR, until you are done.
Please. How can they know if you help me? I
defiantly said, grubbing on my hot wings and the remain-
der of my shrimp fried rice.
Dont underestimate the CIA. This is the CIA!
he stressed. More than likely, this would be one of the
questions they would ask you on a polygraph.
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I paused. I forgot about that test. Everyone I heard
who took the polygraph before said its a beast of a test.
Very difficult and nerve wrecking. Ugh!
Yeah, I guess youre right. I closed my box of
rice and put the food on my bar in the kitchen and washed
my hands.
Just dont waste any hot sauce on my satin
sheets, I said, while walking out.
With each question, I took a deep breath before
choosing an answer. I love the fact that it was a multiple
choice test and not one that required written answers. I
felt I was terrible at test. I barely made it past my state test
to graduate from high school. Theres something about
sitting still for more than two hours to answer questions.
Dont they know I have terrible reading comprehension?
Slight paranoia began to creep upon me as I came to a re-
alization that I am testing for a highly classified govern-
ment position. My living room held an annoying silence
that forced me to hear my thoughts too loudly. I got up and
walked to my stereo system to put on the Isley Brothers
Greatest Hits CD. The music caused me to sway in my
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94
seat, while soothing my mind and keeping me on a steady
pace. My mood was instantly broken when Richard yelled,
You dont need to be listening to the Isley Brothers when
youre about to go see Benjamin tonight.
Ugh, I forgot! I yelled. And mind your busi-
ness.
I half smiled.
Some nerve of him to say that. He was acting like I
would try to put any moves on him, or for that matter, al-
low him to come remotely close to me that way. Benjamin
could only dream of the satisfaction because, as far as I
am concerned, those thoughts are long gone from my
mind. Moments later, I looked at my screen and saw Id
just completed the last question. Oh, thank God.
Done! I yelled to Richard. Aw, thats my jam!
Right after the last question, Its Your Thing began to play.
Instantaneously, I got up and begin snapping my fingers
and dancing in the middle of the floor singingI cant
tell you, who to sock it to.
Richard walked in laughing hysterically and said,
Girl, you are trippin. He sat on the couch and started
bobbing his head to the classic.
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Oh, what the hay, I might as well clown too
cousin. How about popping out a glass of wine so we can
get a party going on in here?
He continued dancing and I danced my way down
the hall.
You can stay here and party if you want to. But,
Im about to party my way to East Seattle to see Carolyn.
At least youre in a better mood. Since youre
leaving, Ill party my way right out the door and go
home.
Alright Rich. Ill call you, I said loudly over the
music.
Still dancing, Richard walked out as I closed and
locked the door. I turned the music off, laughing at the
idea of myself having a silly moment of insanity and then
walked to my closet to get dressed. Suddenly, I became
very unsure of myself, as I searched through my clothes
hoping to find something casual and not misleading. I be-
gan to shiver as if the temperature in the room suddenly
jumped to arctic blast. The reality of things sank in me. I
was about to get ready to see Benjamin and Carolyn. Two
people who were family to me for years. I picked out cas-
ual pants, a long sleeve shirt with a light grey sweater vest
and put my black Nine West boots on. I paused and
glanced at myself in the mirror, looking unsure about my
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need to be over there at all. Why am I so nervous? I
thought. This visit would mean more than just a check up
on Carolyn; this could finally give me some closure.
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97
Thirteen
Cold rain met me at the foot of Carolyns door. I
stood out there in the freezing rain feeling incredibly
guilty about how late it was. I was sure shed understand
about my test. I just hated walking in there that time of the
night. I didnt want not to make a grand entrance. My
hands began to feel like frozen ice pops. I rubbed them
together to try and escape the chill.
This Chanel coat cost too much for it to barely
work.
To my dismay, Benjamin walked out with a trash
bag in his hand; apparently on his way to the dumpster.
Tamara, hey lady its great to see you. Im glad you
came, he said, walking by quickly.
Hes got some nerve. I smiled and waved to try and
be cordial. Then again, I couldnt help but stare at his
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muscular physique as he walked by. The fine ones have to
be the crazy ones, I thought.
As I walk inside, I look around at Carolyns group
of guest. I was so glad its not just the three of us there.
My cell phone chimed- alerting me of a text message.
Just checking on you, it read. Richard always did have
my back.
Benjamin stepped back inside and offered to take
my coat.
Ill take that, he insisted.
Our eyes meet, which signified a certain comfort
level with each other. But, to break the awkward pause, I
turned around to a voice who called me from behind.
Hey Tam, its been a long time. The familiar
voice surprised me.
Sammy? I took a step back and covered my
mouth. Oh. My. Gosh! How have you been?
I walked up and gave him a big hug.
Ive been great- busy with law school and all.
But, Im good. Its been a long time. Its good to see you,
he said.
Samuel and I continued small talk, while walking
to the kitchen. With tunnel vision, I focused on the walk-
ing distance to the kitchen and tried to avoid peripheral
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99
eye contact with Benjamin, who happened to be standing
in the hallway.
Wow. I didnt expect to see you here. Come, sit
down with me. How are things in NYU?
Well, NYU keeps me busy but other than that, life
is good.
And, a lady friend? I said, trying to pry into his
personal life. Samuel Lee, better known as Sammy, was
the bridge of peace over any gap created by the periodic
hostility between Benjamin and I. As best friend to us
both, Sammy always had the perfect words to help mend
the fences for us. One thing Sammy and I have been good
at is keeping up with each others love lives. Since my
love life was with Benjamin for a while, he knew more
than enough about our relationship-even enough to warn
me about Benjamin's creeping. He stood there leaning his
head against the wall and said, I dont have much time
for a lady friend right now. School is keeping me too busy
for a social life. But, Im fine with that though. What
about you?
Me? Nothing is up with me except the usual- try-
ing to get ahead in life.
I stared in his eyes ignoring the chance to look
away- knowing he knows about Benjamin and I. Sammy
leaned closer to me and whispered in my ear, I heard
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about you and Benjamin. I tried to warn you about him- I
knew that was going to happen. Look Tamara, before you
step further in here, you should know that- His voice
lowered to a whisper but I already knew what he was go-
ing to say so I interrupted him.
I know, I know rolled out of my mouth, as I
looked down for a moment to put my thoughts in order.
I continued, I already know what youre going to say.
Benjamin and I speak but thats the extent of it. Besides,
Im here to see Carolyn, not him. Dont worry. C o n-
cern grew on his face and I smiled to try and keep him
from worrying so much. Anyway, have you seen Caro-
lyn? I told her I was stopping by for a moment.
As I walked further into the living room to look for
Carolyn, I saw Angela sitting there drinking what looks
like a Coke mixed with an alcoholic drink. I could tell be-
cause of the little straw she used to stir it. Why would she
just stir a coke? I froze for a split second as thoughts about
the entire incident raced to my mind in all of one second. I
immediately wanted to walk over and snatch the weave
out of her hair. It was cheap looking anyway, so I knew
that would be too easy. Before I could inch a little closer
to Angela, Samuel walked in and grabbed my hand to redi-
rect me to Carolyns room.
Carolyn is over here, Tamara.
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101
My lips couldnt part a word. That fool brought me
here to see his mom, knowing his girlfriend is sitting right
there?
Breathe girl. Dont let this get to you. Youre here
for Carolyn, Sammy said.
Carolyns voice echoed his. Tamara, come in
here.
I walked in her bedroom, noticing she is lying in
bed against a backrest and watching CSI on her mounted
television. We greeted each other with a brief hug, as I
tried to shake the thought of Angela sitting in the living
room. I looked at Carolyn and sighed in disbelief at how
ill she looked.
Hi Carolyn, how are you doing? Benjamin came
by and told me-
Stop right there, she interrupted. Why havent I
seen you lately, young lady?
If her facial expression was an animal, it would be
a tiger ready to viciously attack me.
Well, I was just
I could barely make out a sentence. There Carolyn
laid obviously hurt and I let my personal problems affect
my relationship with her. All I could do was look down,
hoping she wouldnt throw something at my head in frus-
tration.
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There is no excuse. You dont run from your true
friends, she continued.
I was busy, and then Benjamin
Who cares about Benjamin?
Maam, thats your son.
Yes, but hes also a man and a man that I warned
you about. You decided to get too close to him and I told
you- he was not ready for the kind of commitment you
were looking for.
I rolled my eyes and sighed, trying desperately to
distract her from her tangent about me and Benjamin. Fid-
dling with the remote to adjust the volume, she said, I
know you see Angela in there. Look. Close my door and
come sit next to me on the bed.
I walked over to close the door and then immedi-
ately walked to her sidebar to get a bottle of water.
Yeah, I saw her. I was going to give a friendly
hello, before Sammy grabbed my hand and brought me to
your room.
Yeah right, Carolyn said. Your hello would
have been either a slap in the face or pulling that cheap
weave off of her head, she laughed. I told you he wasnt
ready for a serious relationship, Tamara.
I know. Im a fool. I blame myself for my own
heartache.
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Well, you are a fool. But, you cant blame just
yourself either. He was wrong too.
Anyway, I didnt come here to talk about or see
Ben. I can stay in this bedroom the entire night instead of
going out there to entertain his foolishness.
Well, good for you. Just dont get emotional up in
here either. I taught you better than that.
She quickly reminded me of the military-like per-
sona that she practically installed in me ever since we met.
She and Benjamin were serious about molding me to be-
come a strong black woman with a rigid backbone. No
soft stuff would fly over there, which probably contributed
to my tough-cookie mentality. I often felt like I was train-
ing in somebodys boot-camp.
Im not getting emotional, I leaned towards her
and said. Anyway, I have good news.
My voice turned into a whisper, so the nosey guest
in her living room wouldnt hear a word- especially Ben-
jamin.
A CIA recruiter got in touch with me about a po-
sition with them.
Really? What position?
Its an analyst position
Did they say for which department?
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104
No. I just took the assessment last night. Im sure
I did well. It was a no brainer.
Now are you sure youre ready for a government
career? That can lead to a lonely and secretive life.
She spoke as if she was digging from a place of
personal experience. She was retired from the FBI for over
twenty years and led a quiet and low-key life ever since
then, which is something she has always favored. She
wanted that life, but cautioned those who considered it- at
times stressing just how lonely it could be. She leaned
forward, adjusting her backrest and said, Grab me a bot-
tle of water, dear.
To be honest, I dont know about this job. It
sounds good and sure beats where I am right now. But, it
is for me? I asked. I guess its worth a shot.
I handed the water over and wiped the sweat from
my brow.
I can see where this conversation is headed,
Carolyn continued as if she was ready to drop some seri-
ous knowledge on me. I was hoping our conversation
wasnt going to get this deep.
Well, in all things Carolyn said Pray about it
and trust that God will guide you. Maybe this is the best
step for you. Living in Washington D.C. sounds exciting.
Oh, be a dear and get my purse for me please.
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105
I bet it is, I sighed.
Getting up to walk over to the window, I took a
deep breath- hating the idea of walking back out there and
seeing Benjamin sitting with Angela. Sammy will have to
be my distraction. It was as if we flashed back to the
teeny-bopper age and he chose to play a childish game on
me with his little girlfriend. The whole needing a rela-
tionship thing was pretty far overrated right about now. I
might as well become the career woman my dad always
said Id be.
I got up, opened the door and walked to the
kitchen, trying my hardest not to look into the living room
where they are sitting. I moved as quickly as I could to get
in and out of the room without making any eye contact. In
my peripheral vision, I could see someone walking in.
Tamara, can I talk to you for a moment please?
Benjamin asked as he seemingly moved in slow motion
toward me.
Benjamin, I dont have time leading with a
cold shoulder and continuing to the table for Carolyns
purse. We dont have anything to discuss.
If you could just STAND STILL for one mo-
ment! he said, elevating his voice past an acceptable
level. I know what youre thinking with Angela being
here and all, but...
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106
No, I interrupted. I will not give you the satis-
faction of an apology right now.
Benjamin stood in front of me and grabbed my
shoulders which made me stop in my tracks and forced me
to look him in the eye.
Tamara, please he begged.
No, Im fine and you better back off! I said, lift-
ing my eyebrows. You should really get back to your
company and get your hands off me! I shouted, shoving
his hands off my shoulders and grabbing the purse before
turning around to walk in the back with Carolyn. I could
feel my heart begin racing almost uncontrollably and I put
my hand on my chest, while taking heavy breaths.
Samuel walked in, appearing to get a Coke out of
the fridge while noticing our quarrel. And, its a good
thing he walked in. I was about to go Kung-Fu on Benja-
min.
Whats going on in here? I heard yelling. Yall
ok? Sammy asked. Tamara? Samuel always played the
role of my security guard. If there was any one else be-
sides Richard who I could count on, its Sammy. He
walked in between us with a look of curiosity all over his
face.
Im fine, I said, backing up and turning around to
walk away.
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No, shes not fine. Shes starting to have an anxi-
ety attack.
Angela decided to walk in to find out whats going
on. Tamara, girl, are you alright? she asked with a devil-
ish grin on her face.
I turned around to look in her face with the thought
to punch the mock concern out of her.
I know she didnt say anything to me, I whis-
pered, with slight slurred speech.
Samuel grabbed my arms and quickly pulled me
into the living room away from Benjamin and the knives
that were sitting on the kitchen counter. My heart raced
faster than a Ferrari and I turn back around to face Benja-
min.
How could you, Ben? How can you stand there
acting like every thing is ok when you know me and this
girl were friends?
I grabbed my keys from the coffee table and my
coat from the closet. Samuel grabbed my arm once again
and said, Tamara, you need to calm down before we have
to take you to the emergency room. You are not going
anywhere. Youre too upset and you know what happens
when you get too upset.
He referenced my asthma condition that sometimes
caused me to feel anxiety attacks. After passing out at a
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restaurant one evening, Samuel and Benjamin made it
their point to look out for me and make sure my stress was
always at a minimum. Although, Ben played a huge role
in my anxieties, he always knew how to get me to relax.
Im getting out of here. I dont have time for this
foolishness, I said.
Listen to me Tamara, this is not what you think it
is, Benjamin said, while walking over in my direction.
Boy, you had better back off and get out my face
before I stab you with these keys. I held my keys with a
firm grip and pointed my car key in his face.
Put that down Tamara Angela and I arent to-
gether. Were just friends, he tried to explain.
Thats a load of bull, Ben. I saw you all hugged
up with her the other day.
Tamara let me take you home. You need to relax.
I still know the city well enough to drive you home- you
certainly dont need to be driving in your condition right
now, Samuel offered.
I bent over resting my hands on my knees while
taking more heavy breaths. It felt like I had just ran a
marathon.
Carolyn walked in the kitchen yelling, What in
heavens name is going on out here? Tamara, are you do-
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ing okay? Somebody get me a brown paper bag. And,
where are you going?
I turned around, frustrated that Benjamin continued
to come at me with lies about him and Angelas so called
friendship.
Carolyn, Im going home. Ill keep you up to date
about the CIA.
CIA? Benjamin asked.
Sammy and Angela looked at each other and then
Carolyn as if they were confused about what I had just
said.
Sammy, are you taking Tamara home? Because,
you know she shouldnt be driving when shes over ex-
erted herself. Carolyn asked. Someone get me a brown
paper bag, now! she insisted.
Tam please, you need to sit still and calm down
before you end up stretched out on this floor and taken to
the hospital, Benjamin said.
Ill take her, Samuel said, while snatching the
keys from my hand. Since Ill be here for a week, Ill just
crash at her pad until shes able to take me home.
Who said you could... I argued.
Angela walked up with a small brown bag in her
hand and reached out to give it to me. Immediately Ben-
jamin snatched it from her and knelt down in front of me
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110
and put it in my hand. I sat down on a chair that was in the
hallway and bend over, breathing in and out in that bag.
Sammy, Ill take her home, he said, while gently
rubbing my shoulders. He knew that was one way to help
me relax. My shoulders were a weakness. I think shes
calm down a bit. Its no problem, Benjamin said. You
stay here and Angela, you should leave.
I looked up not completely surprised that he asked
to take me home, but more surprised that he told Angela to
leave. Maybe nothing is going to with them, I thought. My
thoughts were everywhere, considering I was trying to see
straight. I couldnt believe the scene and what actually
happened. Then, Sammy and Carolyn both simultaneously
shouted, NO.
No? Benjamin asked. Im perfectly capable of
bringing her home. Mom, you cant and Sammy it makes
sense for you to stay here with my mom while I drive her
on the other side. Ill be right back.
While they stood there debating on who was going
to take me home, I quietly began to sneak out the door. I
hopped in my car and tried to be inconspicuous.
Samuel looked around and said, Hold up, where
did Tamara run off to?
As Angela drove off, Benjamin and Samuel ran
outdoors and surrounded my car to stop me from leaving.
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Samuel was standing there with no jacket on, in this 30
degree weather, shivering his butt off and Benjamin
grabbed my car doorknob.
Tamara, get out of the car. Let me take you
home, he said. His voice sounded like he was pleading-
hoping Id give him the chance to listen to his heartfelt
apology for his brought-on drama.
I rolled the window down and asked, Why should
I let you take me home?
Because I know you are in no condition to drive
andwe need to talk. Will you let me? he begged. F i-
nally, a chance to talk.
I wasnt sure if I should give him the benefit of the
doubt or just let him deal with a guilty conscious. I was
then reminded of my cousins infamous words and how he
cleverly reminded me that I needed to let it go. Maybe this
was my chance to have closure.
Ok. Get in. I opened my door and moved over to
the passenger seat. Benjamin reached over to tell Samuel
he was going to call him to come get him in a little while.
He nodded his head and we drove off.
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112
Fourteen
I stumbled over my welcome mat from dizziness
as I walked inside holding my head. I had a severe head-
ache and I had a feeling the headache that was following
me was not going to let up any time soon. I turned towards
my alarm system to disable it.
Do you need me to turn a light on for you? Ben-
jamin offered.
Benjamin held my arm and helped me indoors.
No, Ive got it.
I carefully put my purse down and walked over to
my couch. I sat down slowly.
Can you go in my cabinet to get my inhaler out
for me and a glass of water? Thanks.
There was a quietness about Benjamin that I
hadnt seen since the last time I had an asthma attack like
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that. That particular time we were out on a date at his mili-
tary ball. I looked perfect with a soft spaghetti strapped
rose-pink gown and silver accessories. My hair was
longer but that night I wore it pinned up in a bun with a
light-pink lily pinned on the side. I looked perfect and he
looked incredibly close to it in his black tuxedo. We
matched well. We danced and danced. Well, we had so
much fun doing the twist and the cabbage patch that I lost
my breath. Benjamin recognized something was wrong
when he saw me gently fall to the grown gasping for air.
He immediately picked me up and rushed me to the hospi-
tal. I didnt have my inhaler with me so the hospital was
the next best thing. He was terrified. I could see the look
in his eyes and see the fear of that scenario repeating.
Benjamin walked over with my inhaler and water
then sat next to me. I suddenly began to feel his gentle
touch as he rubbed my back trying to make me feel more
relaxed. I held my head down with my eyes closed and
embraced his touch- exhaling like it was much needed. He
scooted closer to me, grabbed my hand and said, I know
you hate me right now. I cant change a thing about what
happened, but I apologize. I didnt mean to hurt you.
My feelings and emotions began to quickly arouse
just thinking about what happened prior to tonight. I
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turned around and softly said, What did you mean to do
then, huh?
I stood up and walked over to the kitchen to get a
coaster for my glass.
Why was Angela there? I asked.
She came by unexpectedly. Were no longer see-
ing each other.
What you and Angela do is your business. I just
cant believe that you came into my office, invited me
over for dinner to see your mom and had the nerve to have
her there as well.
I looked at him with fire in my eyes as if I was
about to shoot a cannonball at his throat.
Look, I didnt mean for her to be there. She came
on her own to talk and get something from the house. I
told Sammy to distract you so no drama would start.
Yeah, well you know Sammy sucks at that type of
thing. Besides, I was going to find out anyway. He cant
hold water.
Youd think Id know that by know, he said,
while shaking his head.
The heaviness of the conversation caused me to
become dizzy once again, so I walked back in the living
room and sat on the opposite side of my sofa. He at-
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tempted to move closer when I quickly stopped him.
You need to stay right there. I cant believe you.
I folded my arms.
Tamara, listen to me. He walked closer and
grabbed my hands while staring into my eyes and said, I
was an idiot, granted, but deep inside I still have feelings
for you. And seeing you tonight, made me realize that I am
empty without you being a part of my life. I need you
there.
His words were soothing and made my heart beat
faster. I looked at the sincerity in his eyes and was fighting
my fleshly desire to just forgive him and start over. I was
vulnerable. But, I wasnt sure if I could accept his apol-
ogy. I wanted to hear more.
I went there tonight to see your mom. That was
the only reason. Not to talk to you and especially not to
see Angela.
I looked away and tried to ignore his sweet sincer-
ity. Look, its after eleven oclock. Youd better get back
home.
Be honest Tamara-you cant deny the feelings you
have for me. I know you havent moved on yet. You and I
were a team; we were made for one another. You know
this as well as I know it.
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116
I stood there feeling a gush of tears try to swell in
my eyes. No, I am not gonna cry, I thought, as the Mary J.
Bilge song suddenly played in my mind. I couldnt allow
his tender words to creep back into my heart causing me to
fall again to his temptation. I closed my eyes take and took
a breath.
Ben, we were, but were not an us anymore.
Thanks to you, I deal with this issues of insecurity and
have built a gigantic wall around my emotions. Thanks to
you, I wont give any man the time of day because of the
idea that if one more man does what you did to me, theyd
lock me up in a mental institution.
I understand that, but Im asking if you could just
trust me again. Ive changed. Id never purposely hurt you.
It was just the training, the job was stressful and you were
so busy with work
Oh, dont give me that. Im busy but it was not
my fault. It was you and your drinking buddies and yalls
immature ways. Thats what got you making the wrong
decisions. No one is to blame but you.
My mouth tightened as I stood there, appalled that
he would even try to use my work as an excuse for his
foolish decisions. I cant believe he dared ask me to be
with him again after what he just put me through. Seconds
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later, my eyes tightened and I crossed my legs looking at
how desperate he suddenly looked to me.
Cheater, I thought.
Tamara, I was wrong. Im a man and I admit that.
Look. Let me make it up to you. Let me cook you dinner
and start proving to you that I can be the man that you
need.
I must look like I have crazy and stupid woman
written across my face in bold print. Get out of my house.
You need to calm down, he said walking closer
to me. Dont you want what we always dreamed of?
What about Nyla, huh? A family?
Excuse me?
The name Nyla caused my mind to ache, remem-
bering the secret that I never wished to resurrect. This hit
my vulnerability button again, as I looked into his eyes,
visualizing a daughter who would have his oval shaped
dark brown eyes, with thick eye brows and thick eye
lashes. And immediately, I sank in regret after remember-
ing her and what we did.
I wiped tears that suddenly streamed down my
face. We said we werent going to ever bring her up, I
faintly said. Why would you do that?
We cant ignore what happened, Tamara. Shes
real and is a part of both of us.
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118
Shes not going to be a part of this discussion. I
quickly changed the subject, trying to remain strong after
he brought up something that still haunted me every night.
Nyla was our secret. We couldnt imagine aborting
a soul that was so precious to us. But because he was in
Afghanistan and I was going through a career move, we
knew what decision we had to make. We were selfish. I
took a year leave of absence for the pregnancy and after
she was born. No one knew our secret and it was my plan
to keep it that way. We both promised never to bring her
up, but my heart bleeds for her every night just thinking
about who she looks like or how shes doing.
He looked at me as if he recognized my white flag
of surrender and walked closer to me. He rubbed the small
of my neck, cupping the back of my head with his left
hand and touching my lips with the index finger on his
right hand. Then his lips touched mine. I sank into his
arms; feeling butterflies circulating inside my stomach and
a familiar feeling for him began to arise. I braced myself
with his arms and tried to pull back, when my flesh en-
couraged me to do the opposite.
The living room grew quiet, except for the sound
of kisses being exchanged. Our lustful desires tried to take
us to a place of immorality when he unbuttoned the first
few buttons of my blouse. I tussled between rightfully
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119
stopping before anything more happened and giving in to
his seducing spirit.
Are you thinking what Im thinking? he whis-
pered into my ear. His words were music to my ears and
settled well into my spirit until my telephone rang.
Thank God, I thought.
I paused with his forehead touching mine and our
breathing was in sync as if we were both eager to con-
tinue. Then, I backed up and ran to my phone, hoping it
was someone worth talking to who would help break the
mood. To my pleasant surprise, it was Richard.
Is everything ok, I tried to call you a couple of
times? he said.
While I talked to Richard, Benjamin walked to the
kitchen to get a water bottle out the fridge.
Hey, I said, still catching my breath. Everything
is fine. Im so glad you called.
Whats going on? I just wanted to make sure you
were ok- being that you were going to Carolyns tonight
and Benny-boy was there.
Yeah, tell me about it. Everything is good- drama
as usual. Benjamin is actually here, I whispered.
What? he yells. Ok. You have to think about
this before you make a mistake. He doesnt need to be
there.
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120
Richard spoke with a protective guard in his voice.
He had no idea that his phone call practically saved me
from making that terrible mistake he didnt want me to
make.
Im going to the rest room, Ill be back in a min-
ute, Benjamin said, as he walked by. A buzzing noise
suddenly broke the rooms silence and I looked on my
couch noticing his cell phone dropped out of his pocket.
Whats this?
No worries Richard. Nothing happened. Almost;
but not quite. Your call was actually a way out before
things escalated. So, thanks for calling.
I opened his cell phone and noticed a text message
from Angela saying, Call me later. Love you.
God always gives us a way out before we drown
ourselves in trouble, Richard said.
Yeah.
My eyes tightened in frustration as I looked at his
phone. Liar. I tempted to throw it out of the window.
Look Richard, let me call you later. Ive got to take care
of some business and then kick his butt out of here. Hes
been lying to me this whole time, again.
Oh goodness. Call me later, cousin, he said.
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121
I hung up the phone, just as Benjamin came walk-
ing out of the bathroom. I threw his cell phone and keys at
him.
You need to get up out of my place right now, I
said, angrily. Words of profanity flew across my mind and
I was seconds from letting my thoughts free. I grabbed my
cell phone and texted Sammy.
Come get your boy, it read.
What happened, whatd I do?
You play too many games. Thats what.
Tamara, what are you talking about. I just went to
the bathroom.
Yeah, and while you were in there, your sweet
Angela decided to send you a text message saying she
loves you and wants you to call her later.
I folded my arms, waiting to hear what excuse he
had for that. Some nerve. He put his wallet in his pocket,
open and closed his cell and said, That girl is losing it. I
never said I loved her.
How do I know that?
Just listen to me before this evening gets any
worse. I meant what I said a few minutes ago. Im in love
with you, not Angela. Trust me.
He walked closer to give me a hug and I turned my
back to him.
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122
Trust is something youre gonna have to regain
with me. Good night Benjamin I said, showing him the
door.
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123
Fifteen
The rain beat hard against my umbrella like mini
bombs attacking Pearl Harbor. I hate rainy days. I took my
umbrella out the car and opened it, desperately trying not
to get wet or worse put a run in my stockings. Multitask-
ing, I grabbed my briefcase, my purse and stepped out of
the car to hurry in the office for a meeting with some in-
vestors. My keys dropped on the ground, just as I closed
the door. Shoot! A gentleman, who must have been walk-
ing by, picked up my keys and handed them to me.
Maam, your keys, he said.
I looked down not wanting to make eye contact
and said, Thanks. He was nice, but my attitude was not
one in the mood for kindness and it was all Benjamins
fault. Thinking about what just happened with Benjamin,
made my blood boil.
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124
I walked inside the office, put my umbrella in the
basket and looked at Madison, as if I was expecting my
coffee to be on the table and ready for my morning to do
list. She walked in quickly.
Good morning, she said.
The morning is not good, so dont start this day
off with lies. Wheres my coffee?
Madisons eyes widened in fear. She looked like
she saw horns grow out my head and backed up and
walked back out of my office to the break room to get cof-
fee and my phone suddenly rang. Recognizing that its a
number from Washington DC, I rushed to close my door
and lock it.
Hello, this is Tamara.
Tamara, good morning. This is Staci Wellington.
Do you have a few moments?
I sat there unsure if I should say yes or lie and say
no just so I wouldnt pretend to be ok on the phone with
Staci. I looked at the calendar of events on my computer
and said, Actually, can I put you on hold for a moment?
I stood up, and noticed Madison walked back to
my office and opened the door. I grabbed the coffee from
her hand and she quickly walked off to avoid any possible
wrath from me. I closed the door. My mind was over-
crowded with thoughts of Benjamin and I did not need to
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let him distract me. I stretched to loosen up any tension
that remained from last night. The last thing I needed was
to allow that to get in the way of what could be the best
thing that ever happened to me. After taking a few deep
breaths, I sat back in my chair, crossed my legs and got
back to my phone call.
Thanks for holding Staci. Yes, I do have a mo-
ment.
Great, she said. She cleared her throat as if she
was prepared to give important news.
I would like to first congratulate you on passing
your assessment and next invite you to our local interview
session at the Seattle Convention Center, downtown. If
you successfully pass this interview, we will then begin
the background investigation and then fly you to Virginia
to take a few more tests. Would you like to continue with
this process?
This seemed too good to be true. I replied with an
impulsive Yes as I stood up in awe that I was moving
forward to the next stages. Remaining in an attitude of
class, I sat on the top of my desk and said, Id very much
so like to continue with this process.
Wonderful. I just emailed you the itinerary for the
interview and look forward to seeing you there. Congratu-
lations.
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126
Her voice resounded as if a smile was beaming
from her face. I hung up the phone, frivolously, with a
teen-like skittish way about myself. This is a cause to
celebrate! I called Richard, but after only getting his
voicemail, I left a message telling him to meet me at club
Trinity tonight. I was ready to get loose and celebrate. I
figured, if I passed the assessment, and they are aware of
my professional experience, then Im a sure win. I sat
back in confidence, knowing this is mine, but then curious
if I should tell my managers about the possibility that Im
leaving. I checked my Office Communicator instant mes-
sage box to see if any of my supervisors were online, and
Phillip happens to be there.
Phillip, are you there? Theres something I need
to talk to you about.
I sat up anticipating a response from his end.
Sure. Do you want to step outside to talk, or, are
you comfortable talking about it in my office?
Thats probably the best idea, considering secu-
rity. Im on my way.
I walked out of my office, noticed Madison look-
ing up YouTube videos and said, Madison, Ill be in Phil-
lips office if you need me.
She jumped as if she I scared her out of her wits,
and said, Oh- ok boss.
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I hesitated and held my breath as I walked into his
office. I had to force myself to sit through what I was hop-
ing would be a short meeting, while enduring the nauseat-
ing smell of chicken grease. It was as if he was frying
chicken in the closet in his office. Nonetheless, I sat down
and said, Thanks for letting me come in and chat for a
moment, while staring at what looks like hundreds of pic-
tures of tigers on the wall. He even had a huge piece of
tiger skin hanging on the wall behind his chair. It was as if
he was a Safari hunter by night or a fanatic of National
Geographic.
Its no problem Tamara, everything ok?
Everything is great. Out of respect, I thought Id
tell you that Im interviewing with the government right
now.
Government, huh? His eyebrows tilted as if he
was surprised to hear the news.
Yes. Im not at liberty to tell you much, but that
they will conduct a background investigation, which will
probably include interviewing you. You were gonna find
out one way or another.
I sharply looked forward as if my eyes could con-
nect to his. He leaned back, adjusted his chair and said,
Well, okay then. Good luck. Thanks for letting me
know.
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128
Its the least I can do, you know, I said, as I
stood up and prepared to leave before he could muffle an-
other word. Right as I walked out he said, You know I
have to check. Is everything ok, you know, with the whole
Benjamin ordeal?
How did my personal business get spread around
this office?, I wondered. I turned around and stared at him
with one eyebrow raised.
Everything is everything Phillip.
I sighed, trying to hide the truth that it was none of
his business and I was too uncomfortable to discuss that
with him anyway.
Ive got to run, I continued. I have family com-
ing in town and I must prepare for them. I'll work from
home the remainder of the day. I couldn't help but tell a
perfect lie to get out of that stale office.
Wonderful, he said. Well, you enjoy your time
with family
Thanks.
I walked out of his office relieved that I no longer
had to endure the funky smell of old fried chicken and
walked to my office. I packed my laptop and grabbed my
purse. Locking my office door I let Madison know Im
gone for the day. Madison, if you need me, hit me on my
cell.
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Sixteen
The club was bumping. Orange and red dim lights
filled the room setting a dark mysterious atmosphere.
Looking on the dance floor, I saw people moving close
enough to exchange sweat. I had to watch my step as I
walked on that slippery floor. Just plain ol nasty, I
frowned my face and thought. My facial expression read
one of annoyance, not just because of the nasty floor, but
because Richard wasnt able to make it. He was supposed
to be my play date so crazy looking men wouldnt ap-
proach me up in there. Instead, I had to call Tonya. And, I
was sure she was just going to leave me stranded some-
where while she got her jiggy on. I walked straight to the
bar to order a drink when Tonya snuck up behind me and
said, Hey girl. I got your message. What's up?
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I turned around noticing shes accompanied by two
men. Hey, Im glad you made it. Well, they gave me a
conditional offer and well, looks like I'll be interviewing
with them at the Convention Center next week!
A bartender brought my drink and said, I'm not
tryin to be nosy, but that sounds like good news to me.
Congratulations! My girl doing big thangs!
And, who are you? I looked sideways at him and
said. I wasnt trying to be feisty, but I dont usually talk to
strangers in clubs. In my opinion, men in clubs were either
interested in a one night stand or finding someone they
could have a sex-relationship with. They were all suspect.
I shrugged my shoulders and reached for my drink. I
looked around and found a nearby seat and sat down
swaying to Beyonce's Crazy in Love. Im itching to get on
this dance floor.
Alright girl, I'm about to get out here and have a
dance or two with these lovely gentleman, Tonya said.
I'll come see you later. Drink up! Celebrate, she said.
I shook my head and laughed at her old school flir-
tatious moves and turned around facing the bar to have
another drink. I felt someone tap me on my shoulders and
said, Looks like that's your usual soft drink.
I rolled my eyes at the familiar voice. I squinted
my eyes and curiously turned around and noticed Jess, my
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one night stand who couldnt seem to get away, standing
there. What in the world?. The last person, besides Benja-
min that I hoped to run into was Jess. He was once my
midnight call when I needed stress relief. Although I used
him for his body, I never imagined being in a serious rela-
tionship with him. I turned around in my stool, with my
legs still crossed and said, Jess, I didn't think I'd ever run
into you here.
Now, you know this is my kind of spot. It's a sur-
prise seeing you in here too, he whispered in my ear.
I pushed back a little, hoping he'd catch my drift
and back up. Just nodding, I continued sipping on my
drink and looked around hoping to find something or
someone who could distract me.
Well, I don't believe in coincidences so maybe we
were supposed to run into each other here...and let me just
add, your lookin good as usual, he said. Sexy.
His words sounded as slimy as he looked. Like he
was a slithering weasel looking to trap someone. And, I
couldnt help but laugh at his flirtatious attempts. I
grabbed my hand bag, stood up and said, Thanks. But
don't think too much of your seeing me here. I'm here with
a friend of mine.
Exactly, and that would be me, the voice of a
man said. I turn around and Benjamin was standing there.
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132
Good Lord, what next?
I looked at Benjamin amazed that I kept running
into familiar guys at the club on a work night. I did not
expect to see Benjamin, but I was happy he came to
quickly rescue me from Jess.
Oh, my bad dude, Jess said.
He walked up a little closer and whispered, If
you're looking for a good time later, you know my num-
ber.
He was bold to say that in front of Benjamin. And,
It was a tempting deal. But I was not trying to get caught
up with a guy who was too persistent. Besides, it was only
God's grace that kept me from getting pregnant with this
guy. This time, I was trying to steer clear of any mistakes-
especially with the possibilities of the CIA right in the
palm on my hand.
So, what are you doing here tonight? Benjamin
asked.
Just celebrating with my girl, who is somewhere
out there making a fool of herself.
Celebrating?
I might as well tell you since you heard your
mom yell about a highly classified government job the
other day. And, look... about last night
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133
Stop, he interrupted. Lets not talk about last
night. Youre here to celebrate. He grabbed one hand and
squeezed it in excitement while he continued. And I want
to make sure you do just that, he said.
He leaned against the bar with a friendly smile and
stared in my eyes. He seemed endearing, so I went with
the act.
Thanks. I cleared my throat. Well, I don't have
the job yet, but they want to interview with me at the con-
vention center. Then, if I pass that one, well, I'm off to DC
for the second phase.
He reached over and gave me a big hug- elevating
me off the ground.
That's great news, Tam, he said. I knew you
were going to work for the government like me someday.
Thanks.
I lightly smile at his enthusiasm about my inter-
view. I could sense his sincerity, which almost made me
forget about him and Angela.
Hey, do you want to take a walk with me, I said,
trying to be cordial. So, we can talk?
I have a better idea, why don't you slow dance
with me instead.
He held out his hand to extend a physical invita-
tion to dance. I shrugged my shoulders in uncertainty. It
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134
was hard to pass up an offer to slow dance with him. He
was the best dancer Id ever slow danced with. Perfect
rhythm. He looked great. Dressed as if he just came from
the office to unwind- wearing a grey Calvin Klein button
up shirt with black pants and Kenneth Cole shoes. He was
clean and easy on my eyes. I looked around to see if Tonya
was around, knowing she'd have a fit if she saw me danc-
ing with Benjamin. I couldn't resist asking, So, tell me
the truth about you and Angela. I took his hand and
walked on the dance floor with him. He gripped my left
hand firmly and put his right arm around my waist. I could
smell the intoxicating fragrance he was wearing. He gave
off the same aroma he did the other night at my apartment.
Flashbacks came back as we danced. I remained focused
and asked, So, are you and Angela really not together?
No. She wanted to be with me, but, I couldn't do
it anymore. I felt terrible about how I hurt you.
I took a step back and looked him in the eyes. Is
that the truth Benjamin? No lies.
I promise it's true. He pulled me closer. I've
been thinking a lot about you and me.
What about us?
Starting fresh... proving to you that I really care
about you.
I just don't know.
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135
Don't know what?
If I can trust you again. I need time.
The classic slow jam that played set the mood for
intimacy. It was as if the DJ purposely played this song for
us to talk. He paused and stood back staring into my eyes
and said, What about the other night?
That was the two of us testing our limits, and I'm
glad nothing more happened.
Did you want anything to happen? The more I
listened, the more I sensed that this man seemed desperate
to get too close to me again, though I wasnt so sure. I
kept dancing and took a step back not to get too close.
No, I sure didn't, I said with an attitude. I'm try-
ing to do things right this time. Besides, if God is giving
me this job, I can't screw it up.
Just as we were talking, his cell phone vibrated. He
stops dancing, checked his phone and said to me, Hold
that thought. Be right back.
He walked over to the bar and covered one ear
while trying to hear the call. I walked next to him, but
looking the other way not to appear like I'm all in his
business. I look around for Tonya, who's still nowhere to
be found. Figured she'd leave and I invited her to come
here with me. I walked over to Benjamin just as he got off
the phone and thought it was best to let him talk alone. I
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136
was getting ready to leave. I looked at him and said, I'd
better-
Come with me. he interrupted.
What is it? I grew concerned because of the dis-
tressed look on his face. I walked closer. Ben?
His facial expression changed in seconds from flir-
tatious to worrisome. His head was hanging down and he
had one hand on his hip.
That was the emergency room at Northwest Hos-
pital calling about my mom.
My heart started beating quickly as he mentioned
what happened. I looked around for Tonya, but still
couldn't find her so I decided to leave a text message.
Carolyn now became my greatest concern and I knew I
had to be there for her and Benjamin.
We rushed out of the club and sped all of the
twenty-five minutes it took to get to the hospital. The car
ride was quiet; with the exception of a small prayer I said
as he held my hand with sweaty palms. Don't be nervous,
I'm sure she's fine, I said hoping it would him a peace of
mind.
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137
Seventeen
This hospital was cold and gloomy and I hated
hospitals. Northwest was the worst one to me that always
reeked of sickness and disease. The last place I thought I'd
end up on the night I was supposed to be celebrating was
the hospital. Benjamin sped-walked through the main
lobby and down halls to get to Administration. I partially
covered my nose and tried to keep up. Getting over my
discomfort, I followed Benjamin to the clerk's desk to find
out about his mom.
Ma'am, I'm Benjamin Harris, Carolyn Harris
son, he said to the secretary.
She grabbed some forms for him to fill out. Seem-
ing desperate to see her, he asked, Can I fill this out after
I see her or while I'm in there? I'm anxious to see her con-
dition.
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138
The secretary took the clip board back and said
with a slight attitude, We are going to need this com-
pleted tonight so we can get her in the system. But, sure,
I'll let you in to see her.
She must be ready to clock-out because her atti-
tude was borderline nasty. Carolyn was like a mother to
me so I had to fight back defensive feelings that were try-
ing to snap back at her.
Can she come with me? he said, pointing at me.
I stood there nervous about her possible condition,
but was more so worried about Benjamin. Since hes so
close to his mom, I knew he'd die if something was really
wrong. And worst of all, I'd feel obligated to be there for
him since I'm close to them both. I didnt know how this
was going to affect his tomorrow and mine. I stood there
and silently prayed to myself, while hoping it's nothing
serious.
Only one visitor is allowed. If she's not a relative,
she can't go in. Sorry. Office policy.
The clerk looked as if she was about business and
was not trying to bend any rules. And, I was seconds from
catching a case in the hospital.
Benjamin looked at her and said, This is my wife
and she's coming in with me!
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139
His tone deepened. It suddenly grew strong and
dominant. The clerk couldn't respond. All she could do
was nod her head and point to the direction of where her
room was. Sir, she's in room 203.
We rushed down the hall. He held my hand super
tight, as if he subliminally begged me not to let go. I could
sense his vulnerability as we approached room 203. I
stopped him, stood in front of him and said, Don't worry
Benjamin. Just breathe, alright?
He grabbed and held me tight and we both walked
in.
The lights in Carolyns room were dim. It was
quiet and all you can hear was her soft yet helpless wheez-
ing. Benjamin walked up to her bed and knelt next to her.
My God, were the only words he could form. Tears be-
gan to swell in his eyes and he grabbed her hand. I walked
no further past the door- not too anxious about getting
close. About a minute after we walked in, a doctor joined
us with a clip board and what looked like possible news.
Mr. And Mrs. Harris, I have some news about
your mother, he said.
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140
Benjamin placed his head down to prepare for the
worst. The doctor continued.
Your mother slipped and had a pretty bad fall.
Looks like she fractured her spine. You're already familiar
with your mother's health conditions, aren't you?
Yes, Benjamin said, still kneeling aside his mom.
Okay then. She's going to need all the help she
can get when she's ready to recover. In the mean time, we
had to put her on some pretty strong pain-killers. She was
in almost unbearable pain. But, theyll help her sleep well.
And that is probably why she's knocked out right now.
I stood back and looked at this strong woman who
now looked so weak and fragile to me. I shook my head to
try and dismiss the thought of her being in excruciating
pain. I couldnt imagine.
When are you considering surgery? Benjamin
asked.
In the morning. We're keeping her under close
observation through the night. But, also you should know
that this is a very serious spinal surgery.
Meaning?
Worst case scenario, she'll be paralyzed from the
waist down.
Immediately, my heart sank and tears began flow-
ing from my eyes as the doctor finished his sentence. I
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grew frustrated at the situation because of how active she
is. No more running her five miles in the morning. No
more walking through the mall. No more bike riding. No
more dancing around her living room. I knew she would
be miserable if she lived the rest of her life in a wheel
chair. Then, I looked at Benjamin, just as the doctor
walked out. He was crying. I walked over to put my hand
on his shoulders to comfort him. All he could do was rub
his head against me as the last thing he'd do was let go of
his mothers hand. He cleared his throat, stood up and
grabbed his handkerchief out of his back pocket to wipe
his eyes. Do you need me to drive you home?he said,
still chocked up.
I hadnt seen him that vulnerable in a long time.
And, it broke my heart to see him so weak. But, at the
same time, I saw a real part of his heart and it made me
want to soothe it.
Benjamin, do you want me to stay here?
I knelt beside him and rubbed his head.
I cant ask you to do that.
Are you sure? Because-
Im positive. You have work... and are interview-
ing... you should be focused. Im sorry if this throws a
monkey wrench in your celebration. You should go home
and get some rest.
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Look at me Benjamin. All drama aside, Im here
for you, okay?
I know, he looked at me and said after a tear
dropped from both eyes.
We both stood up and he gave me a tight hug and
whispered, I love you Tamara.
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Eighteen
My interview came and went faster than I ex-
pected. And it probably went by fast because I couldnt
stop worrying about Carolyn. Although my concentration
was slightly tainted because of her possibly paralyzed
condition, thankfully I manage to pull through. It was al-
ways hard trying to focus on one thing when someone you
love is hurting. I called her as soon as it was over and she
insisted that I fly to our Nations Capital for the next phase
of interviews. I hesitated. But, I had to do this for me. I
couldnt let Benjamin and Carolyn paralyze me any
longer.
Before I departed to Washington DC, I decided to
take an early jog along Hamilton Viewpoint Park, where I
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was welcomed by the best view of West Seattle and where
the river always managed to take me to a place of reflec-
tion. Bikers rode along, joggers beat the beaming morning
sun and lovely couples walked together holding hands,
noticeably in love. Although deep inside my sinful strug-
gles with Benjamin and hidden paranoia surround me, I
kept moving with a certain strength that I know must only
be supernatural.
I paused, took a deep breath and stood against the
railing that followed the rivers current.
Tamara, a familiar voice said.
I always seem to run into someone I know out here.
I turned around, wondering who in the world I
know would be out this early on a Thursday morning. It
was Jess, standing there looking like a homeless man beg-
ging for money.
Whats up Miss Tamara- Miss Pro-fess-ional?
Youre out here kind of early.
I rolled my eyes and looked back at the flowing
river.
So, what youre a stalker now? First the club and
now the river? Im close to getting a restraining order
against you.
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Im not stalking you honey. Its just fate telling us
our run-ins arent coincidental.
Dream on, I laughed. Aren't you supposed to be
working, anyway? Oh wait. Did you ever find a job?
Miss Tamara, now you know Im a freelancer he
whispered. Hustling is what I do.
In your world, you can be whoever you want to
be. In my world, you no longer exist, I stared in his eyes
and said.
Now wait a minute. Before you go postal on a
brotha, I just stopped to see how you are doing. Other than
the other night at the club, it has been a while. I miss our
late night movies and rendezvous.
He walked up toward me and tried to grab my
hand but, I was not in the mood for his hormone-driven
behavior. I pushed him off me.
Unfortunately for you, I dont miss them.
I took another deep breath and looked at the invisi-
ble watch on my wrist.
Look, Jess. I don't have time for this, I was just
leaving.
Youre always so busy. When are you going to
take time for someone else in your life? he said.
For someone like who, you? Laughing, I walked
to my car and waved good-bye.
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After my run in with Jess, I jumped in my car and
hurried home just in time to take a quick shower. My bags
were already packed. I called for a cab, and then sat on the
edge of my couch quietly, hearing only the sound of my
godfather clock in the background. Suddenly, the sound of
Brian McKnight's Anytime consumed the air. I glanced at
my phone, knowing it is Benjamin. My pulse quickened. I
wasn't sure if I should be excited to get a call from him, or
worried that I'm falling deeper into his seducing trap. I slid
further back on my couch and answered.
I knew it was you.
Let me guess. Brian McKnight?
He remembered my ringtone for his number is
Brian McKnight. We set our ringtones together. One of the
goofy things young couples in love do together. We both
shared the same interest in music. His ringtone was Anita
Bakers Body and Soul. Knowing him, he changed it after
we broke up so his next girlfriend wouldnt wonder who
was calling if I ever did. But still, hearing it brought back
unforgettable memories.
After all this time, I never changed this ringtone.
Even though I should have. But, anyway, how's your
mom?
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She's doing the best she can. She doesn't say
much, which is my only concern. But, the nurse Sandra, is
taking pretty good care of her.
Are you sure you dont want me to stay and help
out a little bit?
Tamara, this is the opportunity of a lifetime for
you. Go. Pass those test and come back. My mom wants
you to do that- trust me, he said.
Okay. Well, Ill call at the end of the day to let
you know how it went. Here comes my cab. Tell your
mom hello for me.
I hung up the phone before he could utter another
word.
Before I could jet out of the door, I stood in shock
over my conversation with Benjamin. Angela's name still
irked my nerves. And, before I got too close to Benjamin,
I had to make sure my interviews would go well so I could
be back on a steady path. He certainly was not going to be
a distraction this time. Without any further thoughts about
Benjamin, I turned my lights off, set the alarm and walked
out with a prayer on my mind and in my heart.
Father God, I dont even know what to say. It
seemed like right when I thought I had reached a dead end
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that something spectacular like this happens and shifts me
in another direction. This time I really want to do things
your way. Im not going to worry about anything, but Im
going to trust that this is what you want me to do. Lord,
Im excited, but Im also anxious to know the end results.
Teach me patience as I go through this interview process
and help me to stay focused, in Jesus Name.
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Nineteen
Seattle-Tacoma International Airport couldn't be
any colder than the freezing temperature outside. Snow
flakes fell gently against the window, and I stood in the
terminal overlooking the planes that took off one by one. I
fondled with my ticket while holding tight to my carryon
bag. Burr. I was shivering so much, I could barely keep
still, and yet, sweat became my new best friend as I got
more and more nervous at the thought of flying into DC to
interview with the Central Intelligence Agency. I was con-
fident, but fearfully uncertain of what to expect. This was
no ordinary fear. This was the type of fear that could make
or break me as a prospect employee with the Agency. I
couldnt let it show too much. After returning to my seat
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from a trip to the ladies room, a strange man in an unfor-
gettable grey business suit suddenly sat beside me.
Hi Miss. I see youre on your way to D.C. also.
Looks like youre on business he said, as he unfolded his
fresh New York Times.
Everyone looked suspicious to me, but he topped
them all as he sat there with his legs crossed with bifocal
eye glasses resting on the tip of his nose and wearing mix-
match burgundy socks. His white hair looked as if it was
playing hide and go seek with his tilted grey hat; some in
and some out.
Trying not to laugh out loud, I turned toward him and
said, Yes. I'm on a business trip.
Soon after my response, a glimpse of an important note
from my instructions flashed before my eyes; be very dis-
creet, no one is to know why you're in DC. Thereafter, eve-
ryone became suspect.
I remain determined not to tell anyone my business-
especially this gentleman who looks like a spook. I con-
tinue to fondle with my fingers and avoid eye contact
when my new audacious friend who persistently ask ques-
tions.
So where are you interviewing? I heard the weather
is supposed to be nice and snowy this weekend. I hope
youre dressed warm for your interview he said.
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He can't be serious, I thought. This man clearly was
trying to get into my business. I wondered if he was an
agent and this is a test.
Skeptical, I stay facing my direction and said It
sounds like its going to be nice. I dont mind the snow.
I could feel myself getting annoyed, so I pick up a
Seventeen magazine that happened to be lying on one of
the chairs and hoped it would distract me from his persis-
tence.
Oh thank God.
Just as my thoughts rang loudly in my mind, the flight
attendant began to call the attendees to their seats. She
couldn't call my name fast enough. I checked in with my
ticket and could feel myself almost running to my seat. I
noticed the man putting his carryon bag above his head.
Be nice Tamara, I muffled. I turned towards him and
said, Well Sir, thanks for the chat. Enjoy your flight.
you as well and good luck on your interview.
Before takeoff, I leaned against my first-class seat
and adjusted my purse and carryon.
Would you like a beverage- coke, glass of wine,
the attendant asked. I was glad she asked. I closed my eyes
and leaned my head back on my five-dollar pillow I just
bought and said, A glass of wine would be great.
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I needed something to relax my nerves. I didn't
know if I was more nervous about the trip or about where
I'm going with Benjamin. With each sip of wine, I rest, but
with a gut feeling like something significant is about to
happen.
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Twenty
I really hate winter. And, D.C.s winter was differ-
ent from Seattles ice. It was especially cold early in the
morning.. There wasnt a ray of sunlight for miles. I stood
outside wearing a black Louie Vuitton winter coat and
folded my arms as I waited for the white van that was
scheduled to pick me up from the hotel-at approximately
6:30 A.M. Finally, I thought after having an almost frozen
nose.Before I could open my mouth to speak to the other
interviewees that were shaking in their boots too, the van
promptly arrived. I hopped on the van and scanned it-
mentally sizing up the others. I was the only woman on
this van. I was surprised and that didnt automatically take
me out of the race. Glad they werent prejudice.
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Trying not to make my observation too obvious, I
buttoned the last button on my coat to escape the chill and
sat back. Excuse me, I said to the gentleman sitting be-
side me, as I crossed over him. Finally, heat began to seep
through the vents and my hands caught some relief.
The heat was as a thick fog settling over the Hoo-
ver Dam; hot and humid. Looking forward and to my left,
a young white man with blue eyes and dusty brown hair
was sitting there with his right leg twitching at maximum
speed and his eye glasses couldnt seem to stay on his
nose. They slipped off from his sweat. I felt bad for him.
He looked nervous as ever and unsure of himself. Surely,
he needed someone to talk to him. With tired and misty
eyes, I extended my hand and introduced myself to him
Im Tamara.
Its so cold in here, he said, while rubbing his
hands together. They must have the air on arctic blast. Do
they have heat? he shivered. Its nice to meet you-Im
R-R-Ron.
Great to meet you Ron, I replied. I looked
around to see if anyone else looked was as cold as he was.
Some people took their coats off because the heater was
on blast. I thought he was just too nervous. So, are you
nervous or something because you look like you need to
relax? I asked; attempting to make conversation.
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You can see my leg twitching in the dark, cant
you? And, yes, I am so nervous I can pee on myself but I
know the CIA wont accept me if I walk around their
building smelling like urine.
I smiled at how right I was to assume the obvious.
I touched his knee, hoping to stop his jitters.
Ron, just relax. Stay calm. Youre going to do
just fine., I said with calmness and confidence. I didnt
know him from Adam, but I sure did think he looked
smart. So going off of looks, Id say he was in.
He looked at my sideways, but as if he wanted to
say thank you.
And how do you know that? Unless you are
physic, I'm sure you don't know what in the world you're
talking about? he said with an attitude. This is my third
time interviewing with them. They are hard to get into.
I couldn't help but smile at his attitude. If I didn't
know any better, I'd think I was looking directly in a mir-
ror because his attitude was too much like mine. I loved
his swagger, but thought his fear was hilarious. I tried to
hold my laughter in and grabbed his sweaty palms.
Really? What happened the first time?
I tried to keep a compassionate look on my face,
while staring into his baby blues.
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It was crazy, he responded as if he spoke in one
word. I just had some crazy thing that happened in the
past that needed to clear up- like, my college GPA. I mean,
I wasnt even done yetonly one more semester and they
couldnt just wait ONE MONTH. His voice rose to a
frustrated tone. I dont know what they wanted me to do.
IT WAS JUST A STUPID B!
Interesting I said, drawing back my hand.. So,
they didnt accept you just because of a B?My jaw
dropped in disbelief.
Yes a B.
Well, what are you interviewing for? I squinted
my eyes to appear to have a listening ear, all the while I
was mesmerized by his outward anxiety. I was curious
about this young man's past. Maybe there's more to his
story than what he's mentioning. Maybe he's trying to be a
spy.
What- are you crazy or something? I cant tell
you that he whispered. You know the CIA watches eve-
rything- Im sure there are cameras on this van.
The van pulled up toward an unmarked building at
6:45 A.M. The building looked empty- barely any cars
were in the parking lot. And, I couldnt help but stare at it
-hoping to find an address, a name of the building- some-
thing to show the exact location of where we are. It was
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dark outside; too dark to see anything and large trees stood
at every corner. This truly was a sacred government build-
ing and I got out the van as if I was in a movie.
Slowly and in a deformed line, we walked inside.
Tall and very militant armored men, appearing at least 7
feet in height greeted us with metal detectors. After we
placed our bags, keys and cell phones in baskets to be
checked, we were instructed to sit and wait to begin our
examinations for the day; the Medical Exam, Psychologi-
cal Exam and Polygraph Testing.
The medical and psych exam were a no-brainer.
After I was done with them, I braced myself to face the
grueling polygraph. It had such a scary reputation that I
tried my hardest to ignore. I sat in the waiting room ob-
serving everyone. They were all so nervous looking. It
was almost funny to see them wiping sweat from their
brow and attempting to have meaningless small-talk. The
cupcake table started to look tempting, as I waited my
turn. Alphabetically, I was probably one of the last people
to be tested. I had a while to go. I walked to the refresh-
ment table to get a cupcake. Pleasantly surprised at my
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options- vanilla, strawberry and chocolate, I didnt hold
back in reaching for the strawberry. It suddenly drew
flashbacks in my mind about Benjamin. Why must every-
thing remind me of him? I couldn't shake the thoughts of
him from my mind- our endless nights of passion and in-
timacy. Though it seems he was trying to come back into
my life, the lion in me couldnt help but try to devour
every bit of his being because of what he'd done. With
every bite of strawberry delight, I smiled at my plan to
make him sweat and hurt as much as I did. In order for
that to happen, I needed to find the best subject.
As we continued to wait, silence became every-
ones new best friend. One by one people walked out of
the exam room with tears in their eyes. And then, it was
my turn. I walked in the room for my polygraph com-
pletely sure that I had nothing to hide. I noticed a two-way
mirror and immediately felt like I was about to be interro-
gated. Here we go. Quickly, as the Polygrapher explained
the test, I interrupted and say, I do want to mention a
heart condition I was diagnosed with.
You mean, the heart murmur condition in your
records? I was blown away that she already knew that. I
forgot how detailed this agency was. They probably knew
that before I mentioned it.
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Are you ready? she asked. There was not a smile
on her face. And this young thing had to be about twenty-
one years old. How did she get this job, I asked myself
inwardly.
It depends on what you mean by ready. I leaned
forward and stared at the machine for a moment, trying to
catch a deep breath.
What I want you to do Ms. Thompson is stay
calm. Relax. Dont think about the machine and dont
think too hard about the questions. They are simple and
only require a yes or no; unless further information is re-
quired per question. Are you ready?
I sat back, closed my eyes and begged God to take
away foolish thoughts of Benjamin or anyone else. No one
was going to mess this up for me. I took a deep breath,
but it didnt seem to help much. As I sat strapped in the
machine, I suddenly felt intimidated. My mind assumed
the very skip of my heart would cause the machine to
pick up a false answer. I opened my eyes to search for a
focal point on the wall.
There; Ill stare right there at that crack in the
wall.
Ok, Im ready, I said taking another deep breath.
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The following four questions require a yes or no
answer. Is your name, Tamara Renee Thompson?
Yes.
That was easy.
Were you born in New Orleans, Louisiana?
Yes.
Whew, another easy one.
Have you ever used or sold drugs?
No.
Do you know anyone selling illegal drugs such as
marijuana or cocaine?
Oh goodness.
My pupils begin to dilate as I quickly remembered
people around my old neighborhood who sold drugs.
Should I answer yes? They werent my friends. I just
happened to know they sold drugs. I never bought any.
Would I be persecuted for this? Do I need a lawyer?
All of these thoughts flooded my mind, as I tried to
adjust myself to better comfort in my chair. With a slight
pause of insecurity, I answered. Yes. I'll be doggon if I
let this get in the way of my test.
Ok Ms. Thompson. This is where I will ask you to
further explain, she added.
Of course. I braced myself to give away a pretty
solid explanation.
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Living in New Orleans, I grew up in a rough
neighborhood. It wasnt the best place to live. As a child, I
jumped double-dutch outside for hours and my neighbors
often told us to watch out for certain guys who sold drugs.
One of them was a friend of a friend. He was cool but
never persuaded me to use drugs. I never did. In a way I
think he favored me because he liked me and I felt he
wanted to protect me from other drug dealers.
I looked down to avoid eye contact, as I tried to
imagine her thoughts.
Thats why I moved out of New Orleans. I needed
to get away from the hood and move to a better place. I
cant imagine moving back there
She walked over and sat on the desk next to me
and said, Thanks for clearing that up Tamara. And on a
personal note, dont ever be ashamed of where you come
from. It made you the woman that you are today.
With sudden relief, I looked up and smiled.
Thank you.
We are done with this test and will call you in a
few days with the test results.
She unstrapped me and I shook her hand and said,
Thank you before I walk out of the door more confident
than ever. I didn't lie. I didn't tiptoe around the truth. I
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simply explained to her my situation and I'm more than
sure she understands.
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Twenty-One
Thank God I finished testing, I thought. I felt like
all of my test were successfully taken. And now, the only
thing I can think of was finding a mall and grabbing some-
thing good to eat. With more than physical relief, mental
alleviation put me in a peaceful state. I seriously just
needed a minute. Now that I've completed all of my test-
ing, I could decide if I wanted to give Ben another chance.
He seemed sincere enough and I really cared about Caro-
lyn. But, I wondered if Id only be setting myself up for
failure again. Wed be around this circle more than
enough times for me to notice a pattern going on. I held on
to my thoughts as I prepared to adventure out and about.
I came across this mall that made me stop in my
tracks. It was huge. But the people I came across seemed
rude compared to home. Almost as mean as I was some-
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times. They were as cold and wet as Seattle. I closed my
eyes and took a deep breath, as a grabbed a seat on a
bench. It was just a matter of time before someone walked
up to flirt, I figured. As a black business woman dressed
well, I knew Id attract someone who thought I was avail-
able. And, just as I suspected, the voice of a man politely
spoke. Its a nice day to go shopping, right? He said.
With my eyes still closed, I hoped it was someone
fine. Better yet, I hoped it was the one. My eyes remained
closed and as he spoke again I could hear his Puerto Rican
accent say How are you this afternoon?
I didn't want to open my eyes because his voice
sounded so good. I took a deep breath.
I am well, thanks for asking, I responded.
I got up quickly, after giving him a quick glance
and walked away hoping to escape his moment of interest
in me. I didnt know him from Adam. And, out here in
Washington, I had to be careful about who I talked to. Im
nice, but Im not that inviting.
As I walked away, all I could think about was Ben-
jamin and Carolyn. They crowded my mind. I wondered
how she was doing and how he was coping with her being
sick. Somehow, I couldnt help but think how I should
have stayed to help. Nah, I thought. Then again, I appreci-
ate Benjamins desire to see me chase my dreams. Thats
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one thing I really appreciated about him. He was thought-
ful and considerate of my needs. The more I thought about
a good side of Benjamin, the more it made me long for a
date while I was out there. I was sure getting a guy to get
my dinner would be harmless.
I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulders.
Excuse me maam, do I know you? You look
vaguely familiar.
It was the same guy who I saw a couple minutes
ago. He seemed pretty sure of himself. So, I stopped walk-
ing, shocked that he kept up with me and stared back at
him.
I dont think so. You dont look familiar to me, I
said, before walking off. Sorry, I added.
I know this guy isnt flirting with me like that. Hes
persistent.
I played hard to get with him because it usually
was my best way to flirt. Assuming he'd give in to my
game, I slowed down a bit to see if he was going to try and
make another pass at me. As expected, he caught up with
me again and said, Well, I would certainly hate to barge
in on your shopping day, but you really do look familiar
and since I already started talking, I thought Id introduce
myself to you. Im Hector.
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I turned around and my eyes couldnt stop staring
at his stunning physique. I could tell he was very muscular
and looked like he belonged in a body building competi-
tion. His biceps showed through his work shirt. I tried my
hardest to stop staring at his muscles.
I dont mean to be rude, but Im not interested.
Can I just walk with you for a second?
Now, his persistence is turning into stalker status.
Im sorry. But have a good evening, I said.
You must be very busy; coming from work,
right? He insisted.
Yes. Im in town working for the weekend. So,
Bye!
I really tried to shrug him off, but like an annoying
gnat, he kept coming back.
Oh I see. Must be government related, huh?
Theres some kind of convention going on so I figure
youre with all of them.
Still walking, I said, Im workingthats about as
much as youll get out of me. Have a nice day.
I took a quick turn and stopped at a booth, hoping
hed take heed to my sign and keep walking forward. The
Korean man at the booth ask if he could help me with any-
thing; as if I wanted to buy a pair of sunglasses that he was
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selling. I simply asked where the food court is and kept
walking.
You know, I can take you to a really nice restau-
rant if youd like. You dont have to eat at this mall.
You are still following m? Okay, should I call the
cops or something because I dont appreciate you follow-
ing me around at this mall like this.
My look spelled anger like I was seconds from go-
ing Jackie Chan on this guy.
Okay. Okay. Im sorry, he whined. Can I at
least get your name?
Have a nice day, Hector. I smiled. His persis-
tence was cute, but was seriously becoming annoying.
And then I looked at how cute he was and thought, oh why
not.
I tell you what, whats a good place in this mall
where I can eat? I asked.
Well, finally a smile lives there, he said.
He eagerly walked in front of me and turned to
face my direction. Ill tell you what. I can take you to a
better restaurant than in this mall. I know a nice Chinese
restaurant. Like Chinese?
Sure.
I gave him the name of my hotel and told him to
meet me in the lobby for 7PM. I figured wed end up just
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having dinner there instead of going somewhere far. I had
an early morning flight and couldnt miss it.
Well, why dont you let me give you a ride to
your hotel and Ill come back to get you for dinner. Will
that work? He asked.
Thats fine. But youre not a crazed serial killer or
anything, are you? I warn you, I know Kung-Fu. I
laughed half-joking. I knew that if this guy did try some-
thing funny with me, hed be the one needing to be res-
cued instead of me. I put my briefcase on the floor in
front of me and enjoy the ride from the mall to the hotel. I
stared out of the window and smiled at how the snow gen-
tly covered the grass. This was how I imaged winter on the
East coast would be.
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Twenty-Two
The CIA sure did know how to put their prospec-
tive employees in a great hotel. It was beautiful in there.
The red plush seats and cherry oak tables matched per-
fectly with the cherry scented candles that filled the air.
This was my kind of place. With an enormous smirk of
excitement on my face, I walked to the bar and ordered a
glass of water, while waiting for Hector to arrive. Sud-
denly, my cell phone buzzed, alerting me of a text. Much
to my avail, it was Richard who sent a note to check on
me. With no time to text, I called.
Richard! Cant talk much Im waiting for my
date.
Date? he asked.
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I knew hed question how in the word I ended up
having a date when I was supposed to be interviewing
with the CIA.
Yes, my date. I met a nice guy today and he asked
me out for dinner.
I whispered, looking around to make sure Hector
wasnt around yet. I didnt want him to sneak up on me
talking about him.
Are you sure you didnt ask him? He laughed.
Why am I not surprised at all of this?
I just needed some fun. You know, the whole Ben-
jamin thing and this interview. I just needed some fun for a
few hours. I wont even get his number.
He paused. And, I could imagine him thinking I
was going over board with the whole Benjamin thing in
mind. But, I didnt care. I needed some me time and Hec-
tor seemed like the perfect choice.
Play nice, Tamara Richard said. And be careful
out there. Remember who youre interviewing for. Dont
mess this up.
He was right. I needed to be on my ps and qs. The
CIA was everywhere- at least it felt like they were. Every-
one I saw pass me by was a possible suspect or henchman
out to catch me slipping. Every person I saw looked like
the man sitting on the bench wearing black sunglasses and
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reading the New York Times. It felt like the world was
watching me. I swallowed a huge gulp of my water and
looked over my shoulder to make sure I wasnt being
watched.
Ive got it all under control, Richard. No need to
worry about that. Im good, I told him.
Moments later, Hector walked up to me.
Gotta run, I told Richard, before hanging up.
Ah, there you are, Hector said. You actually
didnt stand me up.
Yeah.
Well, its great to see your smile again, Ms. He
said with a smile. I never did get your name.
Its Tamara.
From where I was standing in the lobby I could see
the restaurant. I noticed a few empty tables.
Hey, we can grab one of those tables over there. I
heard the food was really good, I said pointing in their
direction.
Either that, or I was thinking I could take you to
downtown D.C. so we can eat out there. Thats probably
almost an hour from here. I know of a great Chinese
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172
Im not too sure about that. Id like to stay close
to the hotel. Why dont we just hang out here, if you dont
mind?
My eyes looked at him side-ways. I must look like
Im crazy to him. This was my first time coming to this
city and he seemed to be expecting me to drive with him
an hour away from where we were, in the evening? I
looked around the restaurant again.
Oh, so youre the business woman who doesnt
have fun, huh? he laughed. I see what type of woman
you are.
I laughed at his attempt to be funny, although I felt
his joke was corny.
Now thats funny. I am a business woman, but I
do know how to have some fun. I guess with you, its all
about fun and no work, huh?
I wasnt sure what he did, or if he even had a job.
Then, I looked closer at his appearance. He was about
61 and maybe 200 pounds. I wasnt completely sure. But
he was dressed casually with jeans on and a grey button up
shirt that was under his black leather jacket. I didnt mind
that type of casual. I became eager to find out more about
him, mostly because in my mind, he was still suspect too.
And then he looked at me with warm eyes. They looked
sincere and almost made me melt a little. His eyes were
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light brown and his hair was jet black. He had to be from
Puerto Rico or Cuba. And his accent was enough to make
me do whatever he asked. It suddenly became hard to re-
sist him. But, what held me back was my constant thought
of him being some sort of final test that the Agency was
putting me through. Why else would a strange man, who I
dont know, ask to drive me somewhereunless of course
he was trying to get some info out of me. All the while I
wait for his response, I noticed him looking around as if
he was waiting for someone else.
Tamara, its up to you. But, I just think a woman
of your caliber would really enjoy this nice Chinese place
I have in mind. But again, it is up to you. No pressure, he
said.
Just as he continued to try and persuade me to ac-
companying him, I got another text. This time it was Ben-
jamin.
Just checking on you, Tamara, it read.
Hey, all is good, I responded.
I turned around to quickly give him a quick note to
let him know that I was fine and am on my way out din-
ner.
Ok. Be careful out there.
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174
His next text that read be careful really showed his
sincerity. Benjamin seemed to always have some kind of
spiritual connection with me. Every time he called, texted
or emailed me what he had to say was relevant for the
moment. I closed my phone and put it back in my purse
before looking up at Hector. My eyes buckled, as I did a
double take. It was as if I had just seen Benjamins head
on Hectors body. Clearly, I needed to do something to
take him off of my mind.
How far is this place from here? I asked. And, I
have to be back here in a couple of hours. I have an early
flight. I could feel regret swimming around my insides,
as I agreed to drive downtown for dinner. I knew this
could potentially hurt my chances of getting this job.
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Twenty-Three
Hectors idea of a good time was right up my alley.
He was funny, goofy and smart. Seemed to be the perfect
package for me. But it was the simple things were what I
found most attractive in him. Hes sweet. Pulled my chair
out for me and even placed my napkin in my lap. That
type of gentlemanlike behavior was unheard of in my real
world. But, there I sat, soaking it all in. The food was deli-
cious and he footed the bill. My kind of guy. I was im-
pressed.
After dinner, we walked down this moonlit walk-
way along a pond. Most times, I was so distracted by his
accent that it was hard not to stare at him when he spoke.
It was inciting. This man kept me intrigued and every
couple of minutes I had to caution myself not to get too
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176
close. After we engaged in long talks and sweet sugges-
tions we made our way back to the hotel. He walked me to
my room and we stopped at the door. I slid my key-card in
the door and waited for the green light to come on. It took
a couple of mines.
Hey, let me try, he offered.
Nah, Ive got it. This thing is stubborn, I
laughed. Youd think this five star hotel could get locks
with keys instead of these.
He laughed too and then stared in my eyes.
I had a wonderful time, Tamara. Youre a sweet
woman. I wish you the best with your business out here.
Gee, thanks, I said with a confused look on my
face. I thought it was weird he wished me luck. I shook it
off just as the green light came on.
Heres my business card, call me sometimes, he
said.
Thanks.
Well, good night, he said.
He gave me a kiss on the cheek and I blushed like
a teenage girl.
Night.
I looked at him walk off and thought, Um Um Um,
Lord help me. I opened my door and kicked my shoes off
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and to the side, exhaling in relief of getting out of those
heels. I love stiletto's, but they do not love my feet.
I felt great about that night. I even jumped on my
bed a few times at my very good behavior. I thought Rich-
ard would be proud of me.
After a long shower and as I double checked my
suitcase to make sure I was prepared for my flight, I no-
ticed something was missing.
My briefcase!
Frantically, I pounced on my bed to make sure it
wasnt on the other side. I looked under the bed, alongside
the night stand and behind the curtain. Not there. I
checked every closet and every dresser drawer. Not there. I
called the receptionist desk to see if I could have left it
downstairs or maybe in the elevator and someone returned
it to the front desk. But, all I got was nothing. Out of all
the things I could have left behind, I forget my briefcase in
Hectors car and in there contained all of my documents
from the Agency. If he was wondering why Im here, Im
sure he knows now.
Without a moment to spare, I called Hector and
hope to God that he had my briefcase in his car. I didnt
want to give away how important this briefcase really
was, so I stayed as calm as possible to avoid any specula-
tion.
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178
Hey, Hector. Its Tamara. How are you?
Tamara, Im good. Its nice to hear your voice
again. I had a really good time tonight.
Yeah so did I. I was actually wondering if you
happened to see my briefcase in your car? I believe I left it
there.
I stared out of the window, hoping hes about to
give good news about it. Please God, let it be in his car.
The suspense is killing me.
Yes actually. I did see it back there. But, its safe
and secure. Would you like me to bring it to you?
I took a deep breath and agreed to meet up with
him. I really didnt want to see him again, but under these
circumstances, I absolutely had to. The private and very
sensitive information in there could really ruin my chances
of making it- if he got a hold of it. I couldnt believe how
irresponsible I was.
Great Tamara. I will see you in about 20 min-
utes.
For more reasons than one I hoped not to see him
again. I stepped down into the lobby and stand next to the
front desk trying to look inconspicuous. But, who was I
kidding, though? Im pacing back and forth like Im ex-
pecting the worst. And at any moment either a cop or
worse, an Agent, would come take me in for giving away
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sensitive information. Although it wasnt purposeful, still
the right information in the wrong hands could cause mas-
sive danger. What if hes a terrorist and hes looking for an
address? What if he is a secret Russian spy? I kept pacing
the floor, hoping that at any moment he would walk in the
lobby and hand it over. Even though its after 2AM, I was
hoping hes not in the mood for small talk. I know wasnt.
Just as I begin texting Richard, he walked in.
Oh great thanks so much for bringing this for
me, Hector, I said, extending my hand to take the brief-
case.
Your welcome, Tamara. It was no problem at all.
He handed it over and the only thing I tried not to do was
open and check to make sure everything I had was still in
there. I didnt want to see a single piece of paper out of
line.
Okay, so I wasnt sure what to say next. You
have a wonderful night and morning. Im sorry for getting
you out here so early in the morning.
Its really no problem, he said. He stared at me
with a suspicious look and I avoided all eye contact. He
looked as if he was trying to steal a moment of vulnerabil-
ity. And, if thats true, it meant he looked in the briefcase
and knows the real reason of why I was in town.
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180
Well, take care and Ill call you, I said, brushing
him off quickly.
Sure, anytime. Have a safe flight to Seattle, he
said, while walking off.
For the life of me, I cant remember if I told him
that I came from Seattle. That good-bye alone made me
question whether or not I gave him that information. Ei-
ther I did and he remembered or I didnt and he saw my
flight information. This trip was becoming too much of a
suspense movie for me. I rushed in the elevator and to my
room and immediately double checked my briefcase. Eve-
rything looked there and in order. I could almost safely
assume he hadnt been in this thing. But then again, maybe
he did. Finally, I lied down to rest my head and close my
eyes for a couple of hours before my early morning flight
back home. I had to prepare myself for this long flight all
the way back to the West coast.
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Twenty-Four
Turbulence was not the only thing that had me ter-
rified on this plane ride. I had so many thoughts running
rapid in my mind. Thoughts of Hector and if I accidentally
gave him information about the Agency. And for the life of
me I couldnt seem to shake thoughts of Benjamin. I still
wondered if I was allowing myself to fall in love again. I
wasnt sure how smart that would be considering previous
drama with him. This was starting to become just too
much for me. My plan was to sit back in my comfy, al-
though coach, seat and pray to God that these four hours
passed by in five minutes.
They couldnt get me first class on the way back? I
thought, while adjusting the air above my head.
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182
Little Lady? A voice from behind me whispered.
I turned to my side only to find an elderly man, who looks
almost identical to Fred Sanford, wearing a blue polyester
coat and a white kango hat.
Yes? Do I know you? I turned and asked.
No little lady. But you sure look like you could
use some conversation, he said.
I noticed a Jet magazine in front of me and prayed
that I could find a story in there a bit more drama-filled
than my own life. I looked ahead, hoping to steer clear
from any conversation the polyester man would try to
spark up. To my avail I heard his weak voice again.
Are you okay darlin?
He sure was nosy.
Actually Sir, I am just fine.
It seemed I couldnt get away from weirdoes. First
Benjamin, then Hector and now a Red Foxx look alike.
The seat next to you is vacant. Is it ok if I sit there
for just a moment?
Im not sure if getting up is a good idea Sir. But,
thanks for the offer of conversation.
Surely this old man wasnt hitting on me. A look
of curiosity grew on my face and I sighed with anticipa-
tion about what he was going to talk about. With a weak
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and wilted body frame, the elderly man stood up and
slowly sat next to me.
Really Sir, you dont have to
I tried to talk him out of it. But he wasnt bending.
I could tell.
I just wanted to share something with youpar-
don me if I am being too forward little lady. But, some-
times we old people have important things to say and you
youngins need to hear it.
I smiled. He looked serious. His eyes grabbed my
attention and made me listen. I wasnt sure if he just
needed to talk or if he was some sort of angel. My mamma
always told me to be careful who I entertain because I
could be entertaining angels. He was sweet and I just
couldnt see myself being mean to a sweet old man like
Red Foxx, although Red Foxx really wasnt as sweet as
this gentleman.
Ok, Sir. Im listening.
You know, Im on this flight because I was visit-
ing my granddaughter. She is about your age- or maybe a
little older than you are. Shes so successful. Makes a lot
of money as a lawyer in D.C. She works close to the
White House. I told my granddaughter... I said, Stepha-
nie, I want you to get married and have a family. All she
said was, Pappy, I am too busy with my career to even
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184
think about marriage and family; maybe later. That was
10 years ago- and shes still not married and Im not a
great-grandpa yet.
I did not expect that. My eyes got so big and
started to swell with tears. His granddaughter sounded like
a mirror image of me.
Sir, it sounds like you are ready to be a great-
grandpa.
His voice spoke with waves of innocence and I
immediately felt conviction. All this time, I had been chas-
ing dreams of success and ignoring my hearts true desire.
A family. This old man was an angel sent personally by
God to speak to me- I was convinced.
Little lady, yes I am. But, I said that to tell you
not to forget about family. You see, God has someone very
special for you. Love is waiting for you- you just have to
wait for it.
And your grand-daughtershe didnt wait and
shes ok, right? Successful; making lots of money
and no family, he added. Do you want a fam-
ily of your own someday? Would you do anything for a
family- the right family?
All of these questions really got me thinking about
what Richard said. Maybe Im too focused on the wrong
things in life. I stared out of the window at passing clouds
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and took a few deep breaths. He was asking all of the right
questions. I want a family but how would I know its the
right family for me, I asked myself.
Well, of course, Pappy. Ive been in terrible rela-
tionships though. They dont agree with me. I figure the
best thing for me to do is live my own life not expecting
that kind of happiness anymore.
Well, little lady, its up to you to be happy. But I
tell you what- trust God, hell send love your way when
he believes youre ready for it.
How will I know when Im ready?
Unexpectedly, a tear quickly dropped, showing my
vulnerability. I grabbed a napkin to stop the teardrops from
falling.
Oh Dear, he chuckled. God knowsand hell
soften your heart and speak to you to let you know when
and how to accept it. Little lady, before I met my wife of
64 years, Mammy is what they called her; I was a business
man myself. But, when I met her my world stopped and
I fought, bled and almost died to have her. Just like I did
everything possible to have my Queen, your King will do
the same for you.
And, Mammy? I asked. I know shes so
thankful for a man like you who would do all of that just
for her.
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186
Well, my little woman died a few years ago. But,
my love for her lives on in my heart- until I see her again.
He smiled, as if he had just seen Mammys face.
His smile warmed my heart and after he spoke I could feel
a sweet peace within my spirit. Pappy was right. I
shouldnt have to look so hard for a man. Hell come
along my way and do all it takes to make sure Im happy.
But, what if this man is Benjamin? Im left to wonder if I
should forgive him and move forward in a relationship
with him again. Could he really be that one?
PappyThank you.
I became speechless. If theres anything I could
take with me back to Seattle, it would be this conversation
with Pappy. It had become the best part of my whole time
there. Tears continued to roll down my cheeks.
I wish I could take you home with me. You have
no idea how bad I needed to hear that. It helps me put
things in perspective.
Where ever God leads, I follow, young lady,
Pappy said. Look, the plane is about to land. Welcome
back to Seattle, Washington.
I think I am going to close my eyes and take a
quick 15 minute power nap before the plane lands.
Sleepiness began to hit me like a ton of bricks. I yawned
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then stretched, while turning to my side trying to get com-
fortable.
God bless you Pappy. Im glad you sat next to
me.... My eyes became heavier and heavier.
Even as I tried to close my eyes and rest the last
few minutes I had before they called for us to fasten our
seat belts, I still heard Pappys words resounding in my
mind. I was encouraged by them.
Please fasten your seat belts as we prepare for
landing, the flight attendant said.
I heard the echoing announcement and was then
suddenly shaken by another flight attendant who had to
come shake me. I must have dozed off pretty good be-
cause she shook me pretty hard.
Maam? she said.
I looked to my left and noticed Pappy was not
sitting there anymore. Where could he have run off to this
fast? He was too old to move so fast, I thought. I turned
around to call back the attendant.
Maam, have you seen the elderly man who was
sitting in the seat behind me? I asked as if he was my
grandfather and not some random stranger.
There was no elderly man on this plane, honey
the flight attendant said, with a strange look on her face.
Excuse me?
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188
I frantically turned around; staring at every angle
on the plane.
Youve got to be kidding. He was sitting right
next to me.
I then stand up and looked all around the plane.
Pappy! I yelled. Maybe he went into the bathroom.
Ok Maam, Im going to need you to sit down and
fasten your seatbelt. This plane is about to land! she ex-
claimed.
Pappy! I shouted again. I know Im not losing
it.
I buckled my seatbelt.
I just knew he was here.
Upon exiting the plane, I asked the pilot if he re-
membered seeing an elderly black man with a blue polyes-
ter coat on the plane.
Im sorry young lady. Not on this plane.
But this couldnt have been a dream. I clearly re-
member having a conversation with Pappy. He was right
there. Maybe Im a bit delusional. Either way, the message
I heard was loud and clear. I knew there were things I
would need to do to get my life back in order. If I really
wanted the gift of marriage and family someday, then I
need to listen to Pappy and Richards wisdom.
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189
Twenty-Five
It was mid-afternoon by the time I arrived back to
rainy and gloomy Seattle. I yawned and I flopped on the
couch from extreme jet-leg. It was such a long and agoniz-
ing plane ride from Seattle to D.C. Next time Im in that
area, Im hoping its because Im moving there. I flipped
through my mail and debated on whether or not I should
call Carolyn to see how she was doing. Before I could
reach for my cell phone, it rang.
Hello, I said as I stretched out on the couch,
basking in the atmosphere of my own home.
Tamara, hey its me Benjamin.
Hey you?
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190
I wasnt very surprised that he called me first. I sat
up very eager to speak to him. He always did call at just
the right time to check on me.
Im out with Sammy nem and remembered you
were getting back home from D.C. Howd it go?
Things went well, I said. I didnt want to bore
him with the details, but I smiled in appreciation of his
concern. Hows Carolyn feeling?
Shes feeling okay considering her inability to get
around like shed like to. Honestly, she was the one who
reminded me to call you, he said. When do you think
youll be able to come over?
When am I coming over? Uhhh
I froze. I had a feeling he was going to ask me to
come over to see Carolyn. I really wanted to see him too,
but deep inside a part of me hoped he was going to go
back home. But, arent you going to be headed to Mem-
phis?
I actually decided to stay here in Seattle to help
my mom. She really needed me here so I just transferred.
I see. Well, let Carolyn know Ill be there a little
later to visit her. I just need to kick back and relax a little.
Im a bit jet-legged at the moment.
I clicked the television on with hopes that Ill find
something to take my mind away for a few seconds. With
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Benjamins sudden move back to Washington and Caro-
lyns condition, I knew somehow we would end up possi-
bly talking about a relationship again. I did miss him. But,
I wasnt sure I was ready to trust him again. nor was I sure
if he was compatible with my soon coming transition with
the CIA. Suddenly, Pappys advice came to mind. His
daughter never got married because she was too career-
oriented. Maybe love was staring me right in my eyes this
entire time.
Cool, Ill let her know, he said. You know, I still
cant thank you enough for being there at the hospital with
me with mom. I felt like we were a real family.
Weve been like a family for years, I said. And it
was true. The three of us had such a close connection with
each other that it was hard for us to separate. Especially
after the drama went down. I didnt want to let him or her
go. But, it was a forced decision that I had to make in or-
der to move forward with my life. Having them back in
my life made me feel like this was what God wanted for
me. It felt good. That night at the hospital, I had no choice
but to be there. I would have been less of a friend if I
wasnt. He paused and so did I as I waited for his next re-
sponse.
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192
We never did get a chance to finish talking
though. Maybe well get a chance to talk a little more
later.
He wanted to talk and I wanted to listen. He al-
ready knew my argument. I wasnt the one who struggled
with expressing my feelings. He never did. His actions
always spoke louder. If he was going to apologize, I would
need to be able to see it in his eyes.
Look Benjamin, I began with an attitude. Make
no mistake. I came to the hospital to see Carolyn and not
you. She is like a mom to me out here.
I could feel my voice regain its strength when it
seemed like Benjamin was starting to act as if things were
completely fine between us.
Dont get it twisted, Benjamin. We are only cor-
dial friends. Were not dating. Im sure your girl Angela is
looking for you.
I sighed as a sure sign that my temperature was
beginning to rise. The thought of Angela made my nos-
trils flare.
Tamara. How many times do I have to tell you
things between Angela and I are done. Over with. No
more, he said. Look, I didnt call you to have an argu-
ment. I called to let you know that my mom would like to
see you since youre back in town. Things were going fine
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the other night before you left. Why in the world are you
trying to act like we are just friends when you know deep
down we are more than that?
You know, Im passed this. Ive moved on-
dated other guys. Im on my way towards a better career
path. Ive risen above this- Ive risen above you.
Lets just talk about this. Are you going to just
waste years of friendship? What about our history to-
gether? What about the vow we made to each other? Do
you remember everything we dreamed together?
Of course I remember. But you broke whatever
vow we had because youre a liar. I dont think I can trust
you.
Benjamin had some nerve bringing up past com-
mitments we made to each other when he couldnt even
honor them. Nyla instantly crept back to the surface of my
mind. We had a chance to have our dream of a happy mar-
riage and family, but he crushed it to pieces. Five wasted
years.
You know Benjamin. I dont think you should
casually call me like this. I need more time to think about
all of this.
Would you at least just stop and listen to me for a
second? He begged.
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194
I stood up and began to pace the floor in frustra-
tion. My mind felt cluttered and before I had another
asthma attack, I needed to make sense of all of this. I
wondered if I should just let him come by so we could
iron out our drama and come to some sort of a middle
ground.
Look, where are you now? Are you around this
area?
My hope was that his answer was a definite no so
he wouldnt decide to swing by my condo- with the con-
venience of his mom living in the same area. Immediately,
I retracted my question.
You know what. Never mind. Let your mom
know that Ill be there sometime tomorrow. This evening,
Ive got to get some rest and prepare for work. Maybe
well get to talk then?
Okay. You make sure to get some rest and Ill talk
to you soon.
I hung up the phone in disbelief. Could Benjamin
really be trying to get back with me after all this time? The
things Pappy said keep replaying over and over in my
mind too. I dont want to be that independent woman
whos too blind to see love. But could it be that Im still in
love with Ben? I just didnt know if I was. Theres one
thing I am certain of though. I am determined to move on
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195
with my life and sprint towards success. And, if God has it
for me to work for the CIA, then here I go. I wont be too
love-blind to be unsuccessful.
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196
twenty-Six
Monday morning met me in anticipation of my test
results. I walked in the bank particularly anxious about
them yet confident I passed the test and was well on my
way to D.C. I finally felt like God was taking me on a road
where I could see clearly. After years of feeling as if I was
walking with a blindfold covering my eyes, I now had
some kind of view of where my life could be taking me.
Im more than certain that this job was mine. As I walked
in the office, I smiled and waved at curious coworkers.
They looked at me with strange eyes, as if they wondered
why I was so upbeat. But I didnt care. I immediately sat
at my desk with a look of pride. This sista is going some-
where with her life, I thought. My cell phone rang and I
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197
swiftly rushed out the door and into the court yard to an-
swer.
Hello. This is Tamara.
Tamara, this is Stacy. How are you today?
I am doing welljust a bit anxious to hear from
you.
I have your results, but before I get into them I
just want to say that it was a pleasure working with you
and getting to know all about you.
Thanks Stacey. It was great meeting you. Youve
been a great recruiter. Im sure Ill get to meet you some-
day soon out there in D.C. Ive been looking at apartments
in that area already.
Wow, you really were preparing yourself, werent
you? Stacy asked.
She sounded like she had a smile on her face as she
spoke. And then, I smiled and took Staceys jokes as a
good sign. With relief, I lounged back on a bench in the
court yard and began to relax a bit.
Well, Tamara. I have the final results. While you
are a great candidate for this position, we actually have
decided to give you more time before hiring you right
away. You passed all of the test, except one very crucial
part.
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198
I sat up straight, militantly and with a look of con-
fusion spelled all across my face.
Wait, what? I whispered. You mean I didnt
make it? I didnt pass?
Unfortunately Tamara...
What did I miss? I interrupted. Was it the
friends I knew who sold drugs back in New Orleans? I
mean, I was honest I even passed the polygraph, I ex-
plained.
I quickly turned my head, as my voice began to
rise. Nosey coworkers stopped and stared, as they exited
the building for lunch.
Stacey, come on. You can be honest with me.
Why didnt I make it? I begged, while walking to my of-
fice . I closed the door behind me.
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I entered in. I
was trying to be discrete, but I was more than certain other
people saw me crying and were wondering what was go-
ing on.
I think you already know what Im going to say,
Stacey said. Hector.
You mean, the whole Hector thing?
Yes. Tamara, what were you thinking? Stacey
asked, getting personal. You left your portfolio with this
guy who could have been a spy lurking for information.
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Instead of being careful, you left all of your important
notes, flight information and interview information in his
car and he could have easily sifted through them like
wheat. Again, what were you thinking?
I dont know Stacey, I said, while flopping down
on my leather seat and putting a hand on my head.
I guess I was caught in my own vulnerability. I
wasnt paying attention.
You most certainly werent.
I guess I thought I was done with testing and
didnt have my guard completely up. Was he really a part
of the testing?
Yes, Stacey said. He was a very important
partespecially for women who we learned are coming
out of heart-broken relationships. You see, we followed
you for a while, Tamara. We heard your phone calls. We
know all about Benjamin. So, we thought it was best to
test you to see where you are mentally and emotionally.
And, you just werent with us. You were probably thinking
about Benjamin the entire time you were there, werent
you?
I trembled in fear at the governments power. I
knew they had the ability to watch us when we least ex-
pected it. Sneaky people.
How could you possibly have known that?
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200
Honey, were the CIA. We know everything.
So thats it, huh? A quick no and now youre on to
the next candidate.
The collar of my silk blouse was soaked from
tears. What am I supposed to do now?
Let me break it down for you, honey. What you
do is get your life together. You need to fix your man
problems and heal. And then come back to us when you
are focused. Trust me. It hurt our hearts to say this to you
because we knew you could have done wonders working
with us. We wont forget about you. Give us another year
and then reapply. Okay?
Another year? I whined. Just like that?
And so, thats it? I asked.
A feeling of grief, disappointment and disbelief
overwhelmed me. Nauseated, I vomited in my trash can.
Well I quietly said, while trying to clear my throat to
maintain professionalism. Thank you Stacey for your
time. It was a pleasure meeting you.
Tamara, please understand this doesnt mean you
werent well qualified for the job. Dont be too hard on
yourself about this. Talk to you friends and family. And
come back and apply again in the next year. Your poly-
graph and background investigation will still be fresh in
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our system by then. Take care of yourself Miss Thomp-
son.
Good-bye, Stacey.
I paused to place the phone down and sit in my
chair. With hands covering my tears, I could only wonder
what others were thinking when they saw me walk into
my office looking disgruntled. What am I going to do
now? I had hopes and dreams of success. But then I sat
with a blank stare on my face- only to turn around and let
my vulnerability, my break up with Benjamin, affect what
could have been the best thing in my life. Once again, he
was to blame for my inability to move forward. Feelings
of hatred toward him started to swell up within me. I
thought this is what God wanted for me. How could I
mess this up? I felt weak and incoherent. Not sure if I
should call Richard or anybody for that matter. The
thought of sounding like a disappointment to them struck a
nerve in me. Before I could get one more tear out, I heard
a knock at my office door. I contemplated whether or not
I should answer the door. Hardly anyone at works knew
about my interview, only Phillip. And, I just knew it was
him at the door.
I opened the door to prove just how my accusa-
tions were correct. It was Phillip. I hurried to wipe my
eyes and tossed my Kleenex before I let him in.
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Tamara. Hey lady, are you alright? he asked
With it being near impossible to hide my tears, one slipped
out anyway and Phillip looked at me concerned. O h
no, honey. Was that the job in DC calling you back? I saw
you walking from the courtyard to your office. You looked
upset. What did they say?
I really can't talk about it right now, Phillip.
My hope was that hed get the picture and give me
some time alone in my office.
Well girlfriend, I hate to be more rain on your al-
ready cloudy day, but Michael, the Operations Manager,
wants to see you in his office. He said it was important.
Oh thats just great, I thought.
No...No, that's alright. Ill be right there, I
sniffed and said. Just give me a few minutes.
As soon as Phillip walked out, I put on some lip-
gloss, refreshened my makeup and took a few deep
breaths in and out to get myself together. I never told my
Operations Manager about what happened and really
hoped he didnt find out through the grapevine better
known as nosey co-workers.
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twenty-seven
The halls seemed to talk to me, as I walked down
them to meet with my Operations Manager. They whis-
pered Benjamin. Benjamin. Benjamin, while my brain
equally chanted Stupid. Stupid. Stupid after them. How
could I have allowed my personal life to interfere with my
professional life? I was supposed to have had my life to-
gether and not put myself in this type of a screw up. I kept
walking down the halls with a blank stare on my face.
Emptiness saturated my mind. No thoughts abiding- no
emotions to feel. I remembered how just the other day I
was so excited about the possibility of a new change; my
big move to the West coast. But, only about 15 minutes
ago did my life take a sudden crash on another route. And,
all I could do was shake my head and allow my tears to
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204
turn into laughter because this boring job that I hated so
much happened to be where I found myself stuck.
As I walked to Michael's office, I noticed other
people walking toward my office. The only unusual thing
about them was the boxes they happen to be carrying.
Whats up with that? I thought. I kept looking behind me
as I entered his office.
Michael, what's going on and why are those peo-
ple walking to my office carrying boxes? I asked, after
walking right into his office.
Tamara, somethings come up and we need to
talk. Have a seat. Coffee?
No thanks.
I sat and crossed my legs and one leg started to
tremble. Typically, if Michael was asking if you wanted
coffee, what he was about to say is not something you
want to hear.
Whats going on?
Well, Tamara. Our CEO, Mr. Pickett, found out
you were interviewing with the government.
Youve got to be kidding me, I interrupted. I
slouched in my chair with my mouth wide open. How did
you find out?
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205
You know Phillip cant hold water. He told just
about most of the managersand someone else leaked it
to him. It wasnt me.
Why would he-
Anything to make himself look better than anyone
else. You know him. Hes just trying to inch his way to the
top and doesnt care about who he hurts to do it, Michael
explained.
You see, I thought he and I were cool. Now, hes
going to make me catch a case up in here. But anyway, go
on what did he say?
The board was already in the process of making
corporate cuts because of the economy. With you inter-
viewing with them, they figured you were already almost
out of the door. They aren't too happy about how far into
the interview process you were with them, so, they have
asked me to let you go- with some severance pay. There
was no other way to tell you Tamara, I'm sorry.
Aint this something crazy? Are you serious? You
did show them my performance sheet right? You did tell
them why letting me go because of something silly like a
job interview makes absolutely no sense, right?
Yes, I did. But, in the meeting, it turns out that it
was almost a unanimous vote -everyone except me. I wish
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206
there was something else I could do, Tamara. Im really
sorry about this.
You're sorry? Are you kidding me? I cant be-
lieve what today has turned into. Do you know that the
very job that they are firing me for- the one I interviewed
with- is the one I just found out I didnt get! And you guys
want to give me some kind of severance pay? This is just
crazy. What am I supposed to do?
I stood up with folded arms and stormed out of
Michaels office.
I can't imagine a more traumatic day.
I race to the ladies room crying. What the heck is
going on today, God? Are you even there? Hello? I
shouted, without a care in the world if anyone heard me.
And then, my cell rang. This time, it was Richard calling;.
I suspected he was anticipating the good news. After whal-
ing in tears, I gained my composure and answered.
Richard
Hey- uh oh, he said, as if he already knew what I
was going to say from the sound of my voice. Oh no
cousin, are you crying? Dont tell me
Yes, I didnt get in. And thats not all, I contin-
ued. Oh no. I got fired today too. Can you believe my
luck today?
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207
I continued sobbing like a terrified child at her first
day of school.
Tell me youre playing, cousin. This is some kind
of joke, he said.
It was because of my idiotic mistake; leaving my
portfolio in Hectors stupid carunaware that he was a
part of test.
Why in the world were they using Hector to test
you?
To make sure that emotionally and mentally I was
ready. They were been following me, Richard. For a
while. They even knew my Benjamin drama.
Youre lying, he said.
I'm so stupid to think I could get in there. What
was I thinking to have such high hopes that I could possi-
bly do something great like that working for the Central
Intelligence Agencyliving in D.C. becoming a success-
ful black woman.
The tears began to stream down my face again and
I grabbed a few of those hard napkins from out of the nap-
kin holder to wipe my eyes. I hated those napkins.
Now, don't you start talking like that, Richard
said. Look, do you want to meet me for dinner tonight.
Richard asked.
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208
Im supposed to be meeting Carolyn tonight. I
told her Id come by to visit.
Are you sure about that? Is Benjamin still in
town? If so, you need to think carefully before you go
over there- especially if hes here.
Yeah, especially since its all his fault, I said
with strife in my voice.
Now, Tam. You know as well as I do that its not
his fault.
I paused.
You cant just find someone to put the blame on.
Accept some responsibility. You know Im your cousin
and Ill tell you the absolute truth.
Thats true. Well, he is in town, but were only
friends, so itll be no problem.
I slid along the wall in the restroom, trying to stop
myself from crying again.
I just dont know what to do, Richard. Im not so
sure about anything right now. I mean, look at me. Im a
hot mess. Im in this restroom crying like some kind of a
cry-baby. I just lost the best thing that could have ever
happened to me. I got fired right after that and Im still all
alone, no man to console me or even just give me a hug to
say its gonna be okay. What am I left with?
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I tell you what youre left with. Its you and
God, Richard said.
God? Are you telling me that God could have let
this happen to me. I mean, really Richard? I dont think a
loving God would play me like this. Look at me.
Sweetheart, I dont have to be looking at you to
know exactly how you look; if that makes sense. I see a
broken woman who has tried to fix life all on her own.
Now, is the perfect time for you to let God fix it.
Im afraid Im too messed up to let God do any-
thing for me. He should probably get to someone else
whos a bit more fixable than me.
Dont talk like that Tamara, he said. Look,
maybe you should move back to New Orleans- take some
time away from Seattle to get your life back together spiri-
tually. When you lived back home, there was a certain
fire- a spiritual spark- that would ignite in me each time I
saw you. You were radiant. Though youre beautiful now,
you are still only a wilted rose that need extra watering
from the Lord.
New Orleans? HA! I let out a gut-wrenching
laugh. That's hilarious Richard. That's the last place on
earth I would move back to.
Really think about it, Tamara. This is the perfect
time for you to regroup and let go of your disappointments
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210
and rejectionespecially Benjamin. I mean, you could at
least get your life back. You could start your own business
out there- you know the little girls boutique of ballet uni-
forms you used to talk about years ago. He remembered
that?
With your business savvy, you could do it. You
could really escape the drama and move on with your life.
It's not like you wouldn't be able to move back out again
when the time is right. This would only be a pit stop- you
know what I'm saying?
Actually, I don't know what you're saying. I'm not
going to do that- that's a ridiculous idea. I think Im going
to pass on dinner and just stay home to think things
through. I do appreciate your encouraging sermons, but I
need to get out of this building and home. Ill be in touch.
Im praying for you cousin. You take care and Ill
wait for you to call; anytime.
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211
Twenty-Eight
Night came as a whispering wind covering the Pa-
cific and I was the only person drifting away; lost. I ar-
rived home completely drained from the news. I did not
make it to the CIA. I lost my job. I was still friends with
the man who dragged me in a hell-filled five year relation-
ship, persuaded me to give up our daughter and who then
cheated on me with one of my best friends. Up until this
moment, I had never regretted my move to Seattle. But
now I believed I had reached the point of no return and
thought the best thing in my life to do was to face the real-
ity of things; Richard was right. The best thing to do was
to pack my bags and move back to New Orleans.
Silently, I flopped on my couch still with more
tears streaming down my cheeks. Before I could drift off
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212
to sleep, my phone rang. Who in the world would this be
calling me this late? I sat up with only one thought in my
mind of who it could be. Benjamin. I grabbed my palm
and was relieved when I noticed Tonyas name on the
caller ID. Making my way to the freezer to get frozen
grapes, I answered Hello, Tonya. Its kind of late girl.
I looked at the clock and it was well after 10pm.
Hey girl its me and America on the line.
Oh great, I said, sarcastically. Hey America. I
had to literally drag those words out of my mouth. I was
still numb from taking in such dramatic news. I rolled my
eyes unsurprised that they called. Let me guess, Phillip
told you what happened?
Girl, you know he can't hold water. So, tell us- are
you okay? And most importantly, what are you going to
do? America asked.
I know you must feel terrible, Tonya added.
For a moment Tonya and America sounded like
two cackling hens on the phone. Shaking my head, I inter-
rupted them.
Look ladies. I appreciate your phone call to check
in on me. Im fine. Im just thinking about moving back
home for a little while.
WHAT? Tonya and America both yelled simul-
taneously.
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213
Yes, ya'll heard me; back home to New Orleans.
I couldnt shake off my sassiness and hoped they
would catch my seriousness. I'm sick of this place. Wash-
ington has only bought me heartache, depression and dis-
appointment. If I don't get out of here, I'm going to end up
at a mental institution; seriously.
Are you absolutely- positively certain that this is
something you want to do, Tamara, Tonya asked. You've
always talked about never moving back to the hood. No
offense girl, but you can do better than moving there. Why
can't you just find another job out here?
Tonya and America continued to talk, but I didnt
hear a word because glancing out of my window I saw
Benjamin ride past my condo. He must be here visiting his
mom, I thought. The girls continued to rant about my pos-
sible move back home- and while they did, I muted the
phone and threw some sweat pants on incase I had a sud-
den visit from Benjamin. I never went back to visit his
mom and I was sure that left him worried about my well-
being; thats if he really cared enough about me to wonder.
My thoughts were running me insane. And then, I sud-
denly remembered my conversation with Pappy and Rich-
ard. What am I really trying to find in this life? I inwardly
asked myself. Is it just love and acceptance? I took a deep
breath and snapped back to reality. I unmuted the phone,
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214
as Tonya and America continued their girlish ramblings.
Look girls... I have to go, I quickly said.
Wait...just wait Tamara. America said. We're
only trying to convince you to stay because we really don't
want you to leave- we'll miss you.
Thanks... but this is something I have to do for
myself. No one else will understand it. Besides, I really
feel it's what God wants me to do. Im still praying about
it first before I make a major decision. No bags are packed
yet, okay?
There you go talking that religious talk again. So,
God must be the one in charge of you losing your job and
not getting the government one you were applying for,
huh? Tonya asked, in a smart tone.
I don't have to explain anything to you or Amer-
ica, Tonya. I'm really the wrong one to be getting into a
religious debate with- and you should know that by now.
The moment I saw Benjamin take off, I considered
taking a walk over to Carolyns condo for a quick visit.
Shes always up late and was probably expecting me to
pop in and check on her. Wearing my blue tank-top and
gray sweatpants, I hoped no one would notice my appear-
ance.
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215
I know, I have an idea. America said. Let's go
out one more time before you leave. When are you talking
about leaving?
If I do it, itll be this weekend. Tamara said.
Are you kidding? Thats just a few days away?
Tonya and America asked. That's kind of sudden, don't
you think?
Yes I know, but I have to do what I have to do.
Besides, I've been staying in this condo overdue two
months anyway. Maybe this is just a right on time thing
for me.
Friday, Tonya shouted. Let's go out Friday and
celebrate the new chapter in your book America sug-
gested.
I don't know ladies. Friday? I'll probably be leav-
ing Friday.
No, don't leave on that night. Leave Saturday so
we can get together. We can go to Top Cats lounge; you
know the one downtown near the tower.
A club? Tamara asks. I don't think so ladies. If
we're going to go out, let's go eat a nice dinner or some-
thing. I don't do the club thing anymore.
Dinner? Tonya and America both laughed. Who
do we look like to you? A bunch of old women?
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216
They continued laughing and I kept a stone cold
and serious look on my face. I was really not into clubs
anymore and would rather enjoy a quiet dinner with my
friends. But who was I kidding anyway? Tonya and Amer-
ica were still high school girls trapped in 30 year olds
bodies.
No. We, Tonya and America, are going to take you
out to have a nice night and then you can leave us. And we
aren't taking no for an answer, they continued.
Ok. Fine. I decided it was better to just bend to
their request instead of having a silly argument about it.
Thatll work. I'm about to go though- I'm trying to catch
a friend of mine to talk about something important. I'll
catch you all on Friday.
I rushed off the phone, hoping to make just a quick
trip there and back in 30 minutes.
And wear something sexy girl. You might meet
someone where ever youre going; you never know. To-
nya said.
Bye ladies. I couldnt wait to get off the phone
with them. They were a bunch of cackling hens.
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217
Twenty-Nine
I knocked on the door of Carolyn's house hoping
she would have the chance to talk to me about my sudden
decision. Carolyn was always good at showing me the
most sensible options. I stood there afraid of what she
would say, yet, I knew it was a conversation worth having.
With each knock on the door, I felt embarrassed. How
could I tell her I didnt get the job, lost my job at the bank
and was thinking about moving back to New Orleans? I
felt a little bad for showing up there so late too. Surpris-
ingly, Benjamin opened the door.
Tamara, what are you doing here so late? Is eve-
rything okay?
I stood there looking like a bum with swollen eyes
and ashy toes. I did not expect Benjamin to open the door.
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218
Well, I just so happened to had walked to my
window when I saw your mom's car pass by. I figured I
would come by and talk to her. Wait, let me guess. It was
you driving her car?
I felt worse and was not expecting to see him open
the door.
Don't just stand out here in this night air girl.
Come inside. He insisted that I come in so I lightly
stepped inside and he continued. Yes, it was me driving
her car coming from the store. She's a bit under the
weather so I went to get her some sinus meds.
Oh great. Now I really feel bad.
I turned my head, hoping Ben wouldnt catch the
depressed look in my eyes, or the bags they sat in.
If shes asleep, Ill just come by another time. It is
kind of late.
Now you know better than that. She treats you
better than she treats me most days, so you know she
doesn't mind you coming by.
Is everything ok? he asked, with concern written
all over his face.
His caring words gave my tears the queue to fall
again. He invited them and they accepted the invitation.
You don't look too well and I'm assuming you
don't come here this late, unless you and my mom have
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219
plans or if theres something wrong. Do you need me to
get you a cup of coffee or some water?
My voice cracked and I wasnt sure of how to say
what I was about to tell him.
Yes.
I cleared my throat.
Well. I came by to tell her that I'm about to move
back to New Orleans probably by the end of the week.
I couldnt fight it any longer. My emotions took
complete control and all I could do was keep wiping my
face.
Is that so? he looked down and asked.
I looked in his eyes and saw his immediate desire
to rush to me with hugs, but his uncertainty grew stronger.
He probably didnt want to scare me off. He sat at the
round kitchen table and just stared at me with wrinkled
eyebrows.
Tam, have a seat. Is this about the government
position you were waiting to hear back from?
Yes. My voice cracked as I continue crying, this
time more audibly. Benjamin immediately jumped up and
knelt in front of me taking my hands.
Oh no Tam. Im so sorry. he whispered.
Yeah, I nodded. I didn't get the job and then my
manager called me in his office right afterwards to fire me.
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220
I didn't get the job and now I don't know what to do out
here. I just feel like my entire time out here has been a to-
tal waste. I couldn't go to the military and I couldn't get
this job I couldn't even find a good man- no offense- but
I've lost friends, I've lost weight.... I'm just a mess. All I
have is God and your mom and I hate to leave her but I
feel that God is telling me to move back to New Orleans
to get my life back in order. I'm such a failure.
I covered my face with both hands and continued
crying. Seconds later, I felt Benjamins warm hands caress
my arms. I looked up and he was kneeling in front of me
looking like it was painful for him to see me so broken.
Tamara, you're nothing remotely close to a fail-
ure. You were brave to come out here and make it on your
own and you did. I know youve been through a lot out
here and I didnt help. Im so sorry for hurting you.
A moment passed where we shared direct eye con-
tact. That second, I saw the sensitive and caring person
that I fell in love with before. The extra long second gave
me time to remember that feeling of being wanted and
needed. I longed for it. I begged to feel it again; that sec-
ond. But, hearing his heartfelt apologize was a little too
much for me at that moment. I didnt know if I could hear
anymore. I stood up, wiped my eyes and walked to the
door.
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221
Benjamin, thanks for listening to me. Tell your
mom the news for me please. I dont think I can bear to
talk about it anymore. I'll be leaving by the weekend, but
I'm sure I'll talk to her soon. There's a lot I need to do be-
tween now and then to get out of here. I know it's sudden,
but, it's necessary.
Will I ever see you again? Benjamin asked.
I'm not so sure about that.
Theres a lot that we havent closed, Tamara-
things we need to talk about. Will we? He moved in
closer and stared at me with twinkles in his eyes.
Were friends and I think thats the best way to
leave things for now. I have to go, Benjamin. Good night.
He was still standing there, but I had to leave be-
fore my vulnerability caused me to do something crazy
like kiss him. His being there for me was just too much.
So, I closed the door and drove back over to my condo.
Emptiness and distraught feelings fill my heart. This is
beginning to feel like the day from hell. I just felt I needed
to pray- to be alone. I needed God to show me something.
So, I walked inside, shut the door and immediately
dropped to my knees. Lord, please just tell me what to do.
Am I making an irrational decision? Should I think about
starting over out here?
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222
I had just a couple days left in the wet city of Seat-
tle. I glanced across my condo, overlooking my plush
Cindy Crawford sofa set and noticed the empty picture
frames that were hanging on my wall. Only my college
diplomas hung above my fireplace and no pictures. I real-
ized just how lonely my life had become out here. I was
becoming Pappys daughter- empty and alone.
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223
Thirty
My entire time at Club Infinity was a mess. Sweaty
men kept approaching me, and I wasnt even dressed like I
was asking for attention. I had on simple casual pants and
a baby-blue blazer. They must have been attracted to my
accessories. I thought my attire fit my mood; depressing.
While the girls danced, flirted and bounced around the
club like cheap wild women, I sat in the booth playing
solitaire on my phone and sipping on a glass of wine. Af-
ter Ushers song Yeah played for the fifteenth time, I
was ready to leave. Either I would have to walk out on the
dance floor and tap America or Tonya on their shoulder
and let them know I was leaving, or, just leave. I sent them
a text and headed out the door.
On the way home, I contemplated stopping by
Carolyns to see her before I left. I called and left a couple
of messages, but never heard back. Tonight had to be the
night I went. I was sure shed hate me if I left and never
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224
told her good-bye. As I pulled into our suburban area, I
parked outside for her house and decided to give it a try. It
was about 1am, but she was a night owl. I didnt suspect
shed be too upset about my late visit.
Hey, young lady. What are you doing here and
where are you coming from? Carolyn opened the door
and asked.
I smiled. I was glad she didnt appear too upset
about how late I came there.
It's because I am just coming from a club, I ex-
plained. My girls dragged me there and I got bored and
left. They're still there; probably don't realize I'm gone.
Well, I'm glad you left. You want something to
eat? she offered. Ive got turkey quarters, mustard
greens and cornbread. The baked spaghetti is in the oven.
Her food was always the best thing that helped me
get cozy enough to chat.
Sounds like my favorite southern cooking, I
washed my hands in the bathroom and hurried to the stove
to fix a plate.
I really just came by today to chat with you for a
minute before I went home.
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225
You know Benjamin told me what happened,
right? Why didnt you come and talk to me about it? she
asked. She looked at me with piercing eyes as I sat down
at her dining table. Want a glass of wine?
No thanks, Carolyn.
We have a moment of prayer and I took a sip of
water, while preparing to start ranting about my sorrowful
world of drama.
I wanted to talk to you. The only reason I didnt
get the chance to talk to you first is because Benjamin sort
of beat you to it. I came over and you were sleep. He an-
swered and we talked briefly. Then I left.
Well, what is it that you want to do? Are you
really ready to move back home to New Orleans?
I guess I really don't want to move back. I mean,
I really don't. I love Seattle for what it is. A beautiful and
wet city. There's more stuff to do and better opportunities
for a stable career.
Then, why are you moving?
I feel like its what God wants me to do, some-
how. That's the only solid reason that I have. If it was up
to me, I'd stay and find another job. I just don't like the
idea that it looks like I'm running from things, you know
what I mean?
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226
It doesn't matter how it looks. When God says
something, you move. Period! I know you Tamara and you
are a very strong-willed young lady.
If I had a penny for the many times someones
told me that
Its because its true. And youre stubborn too.
You dont listen.
What do you mean?
How many times have I told you that God has a
plan for your life? Sometimes in life we have moments
where we need to take a step back and regroup. This hap-
pens to be one of those moments for you. You've gone
through what older adults go through in a very short pe-
riod of time. And I am very proud of you and have en-
joyed your time here.
Thanks. I really appreciate you so much. You
have no idea, I said while wiping tears that were stream-
ing from my eyes again. I'm going to miss you the most.
I'll miss you too, she said. But will certainly
see you again, that's for sure. We'll just have to plan for
it, Carolyn said.
I walked up to Carolyn and gave her a big hug.
With tears falling from my cheeks, I felt relieved that
things would be alright after I left. Deep inside I knew that
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although God placed Carolyn into my life for a reason, she
was still one of those lifetime friends and Id always keep
her close. It would probably be a long time before Id saw
her again. But, I was determined to keep in close contact
with her.
Well, Ive got to get back home. It's late and I
need to finish packing.
Get you some rest and just remember to stop by
here right before you leave.
I will. Thanks mom. Love you.
Love you too and get some sleep.
Good night.
One of the things that could possibly keep me in
Seattle was Carolyn. Our relationship was completely
separate from the relationship I had with Benjamin. She
was firm and yet had just the right amount of compassion
that always helped me get through. With her and Richard,
I was safe.
As I parked outside of my condo, staring one more
time at the swan fountain that sat out front, I couldnt help
but reflect on my life in Seattle; a life far from what I
hoped it would turn out to be. I became the mean Grinch
of the Northwest. I was mean with clients, mean with
friends and could not keep a man because of my mean and
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228
very short temper. I knew that joy was something I
needed.
I got out of the car and walked toward the fountain
to take a seat. My phone rang and unsurprisingly it was
Benjamin.
Tamara, can we talk? He asked.
Sure.
I anticipated his thoughts but suddenly felt in-
trigued; thinking this may be our perfect opportunity for
closure.
I just wanted to say a few things to you real
quick.
Thats fine, Ben. Im just sitting outside by the
fountain catching some air before I get to bed.
Do you want some company? Are you sure youre
okay out there alone this time of night.
Trust me, Im fine. The security guard is walking
around this area, so Im cool. What do you want to talk
about?
First, I just need to apologize, he began and I
could feel my throat tightening up a bit, as he continued.
I know that weve been through a lot in the past 8 years
that weve known each other, he said.
Yeah.
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I gazed at the stars that hid behind a sheet of thin
clouds. Deep inside, I knew where hes headed but hoped
he doesnt try to keep me in Seattle against my better
judgment.
I know. Ive been thinking and Im really very
sorry for what Ive put you through. In all fairness, you
really didnt deserve to be treated that way. I made terrible
mistakes. I'm really sorry and hope you forgive me, he
said, with sincerity in his voice.
You know, I've forgiven you a long time ago. It
wasnt easy, but, I knew the only way I could move on
with my life was to let it all go and forgive you. Thank
you for apologizing. That helps with closure and I appre-
ciate that.
Cool. I'm glad that we can still be friends after
everything, he said. So, are you ready to move back to
New Orleans?
I guess Im ready.
Well, Im sure youre doing the right thing by
moving back. Youre going to do just fine out there And,
were certainly going to miss you.
Im definitely going to miss you all too. Weve
had some good times. Id much rather remember the good
than the bad.
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230
You know if you ever needed me-
My thoughts interrupted his words. Deep inside I
knew that I couldnt keep in touch with Benjamin. That
would be too hard. I felt like moving back meant time for
healing and restoration. And although I forgave him, I still
needed to regroup from our unpredictable relationship.
One moment we hated each other. One moment we loved
each other tenderly. So, I figured it was best to keep my
distance.
Thanks Ben, but its probably best that I took time
for myself for a while. Ill be in touch with you all some-
day soon. For now, this is just something I have to do.
I just have one more question, Tam.
I paused, unsure of what he was going to say, but
anticipated hearing his thoughts.
Is there anything I could have done to keep you?
I could hear the hesitation in his voice as he asked
me that question. A million things came to my mind that I
wanted to blurt out. Yes, you could have not cheated. Yes,
you could have embraced our relationship. Yes you could
have been the man you were in my mind. How could I tell
him those things now? Even with my stubborn personality,
my vulnerability took precedence.
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Look Benjamin. Things didnt work out the way
we once dreamed they would. But, were still friends. So,
lets just hold on to that.
So, I can text or..
Ben, I interrupted. You know well always be
friends, no matter what.
I really love you and hope you forgive me, he
said.
I felt his love but couldnt give him my honest re-
sponse.
Take care of yourself and Carolyn. Good-bye.
I hung up with tears falling and walked inside.
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232
Thirty-One
Friday came faster than I expected. Before long,
my dad was sitting outside in a Dodge Ram with a rented
U-Haul hooked behind it.
Dad, Ill be there in a minute, I yelled.
I was all packed and my condo was completely
bare. Every piece of furniture was loaded. My mind never
went down this avenue- it never embraced the thought of
moving back in my parents home again. My idea of mov-
ing out of the house was moving out of the house and
never moving back. Unfortunately, I learned a huge lesson
the hard way. My life was not in my controlno matter
how much control I thought I had. I walked outside, star-
ing one last time at my perfect condo and the water foun-
tain out front. Okay, Lord, here we go, I thought. I ex-
ited the community and entered the highway, anticipating
the long almost two-day trip. It seemed like I was begin-
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ning this road trip on the wrong foot. I despised long trips
and would rather not spend two days driving. I put
Yolanda Adams Through the Storm on low volume, so I
can barely hear it and began to meditate on what I could
be going home to.
Contrary to what people thought, I loved my par-
ents and looked up to them. They have been married for
almost 50 years. I didnt know anyone else who has cele-
brated such a monumental occasion. However, I did have a
very unique relationship with both of them.
I could confide with my mother about anything.
She knew just about all of my relationship drama. But, life
was a little easier without having to face personal opinions
from her or my dad about my personal life. This made the
very idea of moving back in the house with them unap-
pealing. If there was one thing I loved, it was privacy.
Now, moving back into a home with Sixty year old parents
meant following rules, being accountable for my ac-
tionssomeone constantly watching over my shoul-
derno privacyno more late night trips to friends
houses and hardly any room for my own voice to be
heard.
Because Im a strong-minded woman, hearing
someone elses opinion about what Im doing with my life
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234
could potentially make me drive off a cliff. However, be-
ing at home was exactly what God wanted me to do. At
least, thats what I thought. Maybe I needed rulespeople
to hold me accountablesomeone constantly watching
over my shouldersvery limited privacydefinitely no
late night trips and maybe I did need to heed my par-
ents wisdom. This could cause my transition to be even
more of a challenge, but I was determined to pull through
and come back to where I know mentally and spiritually I
needed to be.
After 12 hours of highway, my dad and I decide the
best thing to do is stop at a Hotel in Salt Lake City, Utah.
He did most of the driving, but still my ankles and knees
cracked almost in rhythm together. I needed to stretch my
legs, rest my head and prepare for the next part of the trip.
The stench in this hotel room nauseated me. My
dad was sound asleep and I couldnt even focus through
the musty smell. Why dont they keep these places a bit
fresher knowing traveling guest may stop to rest? This is
the equivalent to a public train stations rest stop. Unbe-
lievable! The only thing that made sense for me to do is
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235
take out my journal, dust if off and start my healing proc-
ess. But first, I took out my Palm Pre and scrolled through
my address book. I was automatically drawn to Benja-
mins name. It would be a nice idea to let him know the
trip is going well. But, I quickly passed his name, before I
turned off my phone and put it back in my Coach bag. I
knew staying away from him in all forms would be the
greatest challenge.
I havent written in my journal in years. The fast
paced whirlwind of life sucked me in and caused me to
miss out on this much needed release of tension. My jour-
nal contained my inner most secrets, desires and love
notes to my love. I still hoped that one day the notes the
letters could be shared with the world; a testament of a
womans scorn who was once redeemed.
Journal Entry
Life sucks; at least for me it does. Here I am
thinking that in my early thirties I am supposed to have my
life in some sort of order. I mean, I honestly feel like a
failure. Have you ever been in a place in your life where
you felt lower than dirt? Well, I feel somewhere close to
that. My friends would laugh at me when I'd repeatedly
say, Life is like a box of chocolates. I feel like Winston
Groom thought of me when he wrote Forrest Gump.
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236
I feel like I'm at a place of no return. People tell
me that sometimes you need to take two steps backwards
to take an even greater step forward. Whatever that
means. All I know is that when I made my decision to
move to Seattle, I never thought I would end up right back
here. And to add insult to injury, I get on Facebook and
see all of my previous classmates are married and look
happy. Sure I have success. But, because of rejection and
betrayal, I pretty much know my life is set back. Im still
asking myself why I am on my way back to New Orleans. I
could have easily started over in Washington. I guess
Carolyn, Richard and Pappy were all right. And, after two
heart breaking long relationships, rejection from what
could have been the best career move of my life, and then
to top it off a lay-off from my job given to me by my boss
who I used to go clubbing with, I figured what else can go
wrong? So, after long conversations with close friends and
family, and after enormous conviction from the God, I fig-
ured it was time for me to move back to readjust my life.
Lord, I'm praying for a 180.
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237
Thirty-Two
Two days on the road from Seattle finally met its
end. The Big Easy still was the same grueling place to me
and I was going to have to temporarily exist in it. We fi-
nally turned on the block where my parents house sat. I
took a deep breath of thanks for Gods protection and
strength. That was too long of a drive for any mentally
sane person to make. If theres a next time, someone else
will drive my things back or Ill just sell it and buy all new
stuff. I got out of the truck and my body unfolded with a
big stretch and a loud yawn. My dad hit the horn of his
truck to let my mom know we were outside. She and their
poodle Pudgy came racing outside. I havent hugged my
mom in a year, and yet her warm embrace gave me a sense
of healing.
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238
Mom! I held on to her just a little longer than
usual. Its so great to see you.
Tam, look at you. She took a step back and held
my hands. And, you are beautiful as ever. Come inside,
take your jacket off and relax.
As I walked inside, I was met with the richest yet
most subtle black cherry scent. That was my dads favorite
aroma. He liked to make sure the house smelled nice for
company. And that was exactly how I felt I had become;
their company. I looked to the left and noticed the old
staircase. The house hadnt lost its Victorian feel. Crown
molding and luxurious black art work made their house of
royalty. As I closed my eyes, I could hear the street car
pass on St. Charles Ave, which was only a block away.
And, if I listened carefully, I could hear a tuba leading a
second-line just down the block. This was truly home.
In case youre hungry, dinner is ready, my mom
added.
Thanks, Mom. Im actually not too hungry.
You know, Tamara, you can put your purse down
and get comfortable. Go and peak in your room. Your fa-
ther was up all week putting it together for you. I know
youll love it.
Oh, Im sure I will.
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239
I inched my way upstairs to my bedroom and
lightly cracked open the door. The first thing I noticed on a
desk in my room was a picture of me in my ballerina out-
fit. I was six years old with curly dark-brown hair that
reached down my back. A pink bow sat on the side of my
head and my smile was wide and bright; even with my two
front teeth missing. The innocence in that little girl
brought tears to my eyes.
You know, you still look the same, my mom
said. You have that same smile.
I didnt know you were behind me.
I wiped my eyes and sat on the bed. You know, I
really appreciate you and dad taking me back in like this. I
didnt really expect to-
Take you in? she asked. She sat beside me on the
bed. Darlin, youre our daughter. There is nothing that
we wouldnt do for you. How are you feeling? Im sure
youre still heartbroken over that CIA job you were hoping
for. I cant imagine how you must feel.
Ill just say Im getting over it. Im back at home
now and this is the start of a new life for me. Ill just leave
it there.
Well, you know all things work together for the
good of those who love the Lord and are called according
to his purpose.
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240
That was her favorite scripture. She quoted it at
least once a day. She reached to give me another hug.
You know you made the right move, right?
I believe so, mom. Itll be an adjustment, but Im
sure things will work out just fine.
Good. So, Im going to go and get these dinner
rolls in the oven. Tonight I cooked Shrimp Creole- your
favorite. I hope to see you downstairs in a few minutes.
I smiled at the thought of her famous Shrimp Cre-
ole. It was my favorite.
Ill be right there, mom.
She was right. All things do work together for
those who love God. And, I do love God. But, the lifestyle
I lived in Seattle was far from where my religious beliefs
were. Most often times I was trembling in fear- hiding it
behind my own strength, instead of relying on Gods
strength. I wanted to stop my mom in her tracks after she
quoted that scripture. Conviction was starting to weigh
heavy on me. And, I couldnt continue acting like I was
okay.
After lying back to rest for a while, the house
phone rang. Tamara, its for you! my mom yelled. Who
in the world would know Im back in New Orleans?
I got it, I yelled back.
Hello, this is Tamara.
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Well, it is true. You are back at home. I vaguely
recognized the voice, but did not want to blurt out the
wrong name. So, I played along until her voice started to
sound familiar.
Yes, its true. Here I am.
I know you didnt completely forget who I am.
Its me, Trina, your best friend of over 20 years, although
you barely kept in touch with me after you moved to
Washington. She laughed.
Trina! I thought it was you. I didnt want to mess
up and hurt your feelings by calling you another name. It
has been a long time. What is up girl? Howve you been?
Ive been great. Working hard on this internship at
Inner City Medical.
Thats wonderful. I am so glad to hear thats
working out well for you. Looking forward to calling you
Dr. Trina really soon!
Im telling yaI long for that day too.
Hows Steven? How are things with your beau? I
giggled. Im really very happy for you and Steven. I re-
ceived an invitation from Steve for a surprise engagement
dinner. I wanted to make it, but was unable to fly in be-
cause of my trip to D.C. I think I called and left a message
to say congrats. Hows the wedding planning going?
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242
Its going great. But, I am even more relieved that
youre here and can help me continue planning this thing,
she said. You know, I didnt want to mention it because
of you and Benjamin and-
Dont sweat it, girl. Benjamin and I are old news
now. We finally had closure right before I left and Im
okay with that. Itll take time for me to move on and a
sign from God the next time I start dating again. But, I am
cool, trust me. This whole moving back to New Orleans
thing will really help me keep things in perspective.
Well, Im proud of you, Tamara. Im glad you lis-
tened and came back. My parents are going to flip when
they see you at church on Sunday.
Church? Oh, thats right. I should be able to make
it.
I hope so. Everyone is going to be there.
Well, I need to be in Gods house, so Ill make
sure Im on the front row. Well, maybe fifth row, I
laughed. Id better get going though. My mom just
cooked Shrimp Creole and it is calling my name.
Call me later. This number is my cell. Lets catch
up in a couple days, she said.
That sounds great to me. Have a happy Fourth of
July. For some reason, I keep forgetting its Independence
Day. You and Steven be careful, if youre going out. I'm
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sure I'm just going to be here chillin, after I eat. I'll talk to
you later. Tell your soon-to-be hubby, I said what's up.
Ok. Talk to you later then, Trina said.
Ok Trina. Night.
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244
Thirty-Three
Essence Festival weekend was always bumping in
New Orleans. Jazz filled the air along with the smell of
beer and pollution. To say that tourist would cling to New
Orleans during this holiday was impressive because they
sure didnt keep the city as clean as it should have been. I
decided to get out and get some air that night. I couldnt
stand to lie in that room staring at the picture of me as a
little girl with my ballet outfit on. That picture sort of
freaked me out. The innocence in her eyes was gone and
now this grown woman in her 30s faced the grueling real-
ity of being a grown woman living with her parents now.
Depression began to sink deeply in my spirit and I needed
to get out and at least get a laugh.
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245
When I arrived downtown, I parked and began to
walk down Tchoupitoulas Street which intersected the fa-
mous Canal Street. It was 11pm and the crowd was unbe-
lievable. People were packed like sardines. Immediately, I
got on the prowl, but not for a date. I hunt for the preda-
tors who would possibly think to strike up a conversation
with me. The back off sign written across my forehead
clearly indicated that I was certainly not in the mood. I
just want to sit at a familiar bar and eat some hot wings.
So, I decided to walk to the Doubletree Hotel, sit at the
sports bar and quietly remain entertained by the clueless
tourist. The bartender walked up to me and said Hey. You
look familiar. I looked at his yellow bald head and clean-
cut beard. I remember this guy.
Yeah. We've met before. It was a few years ago
though. I used to work right across the street from here.
My girl and I would come here to get lunch sometimes.
Oh yeah. I know you now. I'll never forget that
pretty face, he said. Are you here alone tonight or are
you meeting your man here? he asked.
Cute line, and yes I am here alone. I just moved
back in town from Seattle and I thought I'd come and try
to watch the fireworks. I figured I'd get a good view from
this side of Canal street.
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246
Well, yeah. But, be careful out here. You know
the Essence Festival was tonight and these people out here
are buck wild the closer it gets to midnight, he said.
Yeah. I'll be cool here. I dont plan on walking to
the other side of Canal. And, I certainly dont plan on
walking through the French Quarters.
You know, I gotta ask this, since I see you here by
yourself. You don't plan on getting drunk at this bar to-
night, huh? he asked, with concern.
I wish, I thought. There was no other sure way I
could get over my depression- at least no other way I tried
to. But, if I was trying to get my life in order, getting
drunk was not the way to begin.
Oh no. Im here for the chicken wings. Is that
okay?
That's cool. I tell you what. Whatever you want,
is on the house, he said. Welcome back home sis.
Thanks. I appreciate that.
I smiled at his kindness, but looked in the opposite
direction occasionally as I sat at the bar. Drinking alcohol
was a huge struggle of mine in Seattle and one of the
things I knew I needed deliverance from. I couldnt help
but debate whether or not I should have a drink. One of
the reasons I moved back home was to completely start
my life over; which meant letting go of filthy habits.
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247
I looked to the left and noticed a casually dressed
man walking pass the bar. He was probably in his late 30s
or early 40s and it was obvious that he was a tourist. Liv-
ing in New Orleans all my life, I somehow possessed the
ability of knowing exactly whos from the city and who
was in town for a quick visit. And this man looked a bit
too excited to walk down the famous Canal Street on to-
wards the French Quarter.
He walked in the bar, sat next to me and ordered a
drink. He looked at me and said, Hello there Miss. You
sure are a very beautiful woman.
Thank You.
I quickly turned my head to ignore his weak flirta-
tious gesture.
So, are you from here, he asked to try and have
small talk.
Yes.
So, I guess you're not interested in having conver-
sation, he said.
Not really. Im just trying to relax.
I made no eye contact, but the only thing I couldnt
keep my eyes off was his shoes. I couldnt make out the
brand, but they did look very expensive. Immediately, I
thought this man has some money and is probably willing
to pay for a good time.
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248
Okay. I can respect that, he said. Can I buy you
a drink?
That's nice of you, but my drinks are on the
house.
Oh, okay. I see, he said. Well, where is your
drink?
Not in the mood. Just trying to relax, I repeated.
Gosh, I hate repeating myself. I felt myself getting
annoyed.
Okay. Then, I'll let you be. Have a good night, he
said.
Same to you.
I turned around to look at the television once
again. Completely out of my wits, I waved my hand at the
bartender and asks for a drink.
Hey, I'll have an Amaretto and Pineapple please.
I had no intention of going there to get a drink, but
couldnt resist the temptation.
Got it right here for ya lady.
Thanks.
I took my short cup and stared at it. For a moment,
the entire room went silent and dark. My mind drifted
back to very dangerous times I was found drinking this
thing and how it always led to a life threatening incident;
either drunk driving or complete intoxication.
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249
I began to sip on what once was my favorite drink,
and an angry and frustration spirit started to surface. There
I was sitting by my lonesome and some crazy man persis-
tently tried to flirt with me. Why does it seem like all the
crazy men approach me these days? I kept thinking Ive
lost my chance at true happiness in marriage because of
my selfish ambitions and dominant personality. It made
me drink more. So, I took my glass, lifted it above my
head and declared this moment. I whispered, For every
man I felt has ruined my chance at happiness, heres to
you, before I took another drink. I almost gagged at the
poor mix of Amaretto and Pineapple. But that still didnt
stop me. The taste didnt matter. I only cared about the
temporary satisfaction of incoherentness.
Not remembering how many drinks I had, I knew
Id reached my limit. I couldn't even walk straight. I then
took a few deep breaths and walked outside on Canal
Street. I gaze at the sky. Low and behold, the same man
who approached me at the bar earlier that evening walked
up to me and asked if he could walk with me through the
French Quarters.
Sure, I answered.
We walked up and down Bourbon Street and the
surrounding neighborhoods. As we walked by, passing up
stripper clubs and bars, Id glance at him. For some rea-
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250
son, I couldnt put his face together. I couldnt see his
eyes. I couldnt see his mouth. I heard muffled when he
spoke and his face looked like scribbles. I was completely
wasted.
So, how are you feeling, he asked.
I'm feeling pretty good. How are you? My
speech was slurred and I stuttered.
I'm wondering if you want to come upstairs to my
hotel room so we can get to know each other. You seem
like a nice person.
What? I yelled.
I said, do you want to come upstairs with me?
Huh?
The noise was much too loud for me to hear what
he was saying.
Come with me. Lets get out of here, he yelled.
Im staying at the Omni Hotel.
Oh. Upstairs? With you? I laughed.
No thanks. I think I am going to just go home and
get some sleep. Busy day ahead of me tomorrow.
Though slightly intoxicated, my conscious mind still
worked well and I knew better than to end up alone in a
strange guys hotel room.
Can I at least get your number, he asked.
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251
I'm sorry, but you don't want my number. It
wouldn't work. But I had fun.
Awe baby... come on now, he begged.
Maybe if I see you again, I politely walked off,
stumbling towards my car. Good night.
As I drove five miles under the speed limit home
with all four windows down to keep me alert, I realized
that I was out there for over 3 hours and that my parents
were probably up wondering where I was. When I got
home, I tip-toed in, hoping the hard wood floors wouldnt
announce my late arrival. I looked around the room. What
am I doing? I thought. I shook my head ashamed at myself
for going where I went but was also grateful that God
spared me from a terrible accident or from getting raped
and killed by that strange man. I didnt know what else to
do but to pray and ask God to help me. I realized that
starting over was not going to be easy.
Lord, I feel like Im going around in circles. I
thought I was running from foolishness like this. I know
I've been a bit disconnected from you for a while. I'm
pretty sure I made the right decision to move back to New
Orleans so I can get my life together but, I don't know
what to do. I honestly feel like a bad child; stuck in a lost
state of rebellion and trying to find my way out. And to
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252
bring insult to injury, I feel alone. All of my friends are
married or are dating. I feel lonely and all messed up from
previous relationships and I don't even know if I'll be able
to love again. Lord, just show me what it is that I need to
do to get my life back together. I just want to be the
woman that you want me to be. Show me the way. In Jesus
Name, Amen.
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253
Thirty-Four
Not one single text message from Benjamin. I was
beginning to think he took my good-bye seriously. With a
pounding headache from last night, I threw my cell phone
on the bed and sat silently on the edge. I usually slept well
in my queen size bed. But, I seem to have had insomnia
when I got back home from downtown. Some people call
that conviction. I looked on my nightstand and noticed a
new bible with my first and middle name engraved on it;
Tamara Renee. But, now Im left wondering who put this
bible there and why my last name wasnt on it. There was
just an empty space following it. And, that is the mystery.
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254
As I opened it, a bookmark sat between two pages
and a scripture passage was highlighted. 1 Corinthians
7:32 ...An unmarried man cares for the things of the
Lord- how he can please the Lord, NIV. This is exactly
what I need to do to get my life back in order; to care for
the things of the Lord. A light bulb went off in my head, as
I felt the anointing after reading that verse. My eyes
swelled with tears. Thank you Jesus, I shouted. This is
exactly how Im going to get my deliveranceby caring
for the things of the Lord and not caring about a man.
Immediately, I run to my computer, quickly type
up this scripture passage and hang it on the wall beside my
mirror. Lord, I can do this, I muffle. After pacing the floor
repeating this scripture for the 100th time, I jump up, get
dressed and decide to head to Lake Pontchartrain.
Mom, Im about go for a ride. I just need to clear
my head for a minute, I yelled, as I raced down the stairs.
I wont be long.
Be safe, Tam, she replied.
As I was driving on the way to the lake, tears con-
tinued to stream down my cheeks, smearing my makeup.
Although Id normally have a fit and never walk out of the
house with smeared makeup on, at this moment I didnt
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care. I pulled up to my favorite spot, parked, opened my
door and stretched my hands to the sky.
Prior to Seattle, Lake Pontchartrain was my place
of peace. This is where I emptied my heart on blank lines;
where I cried endless tears of anger and where I prayed;
persistently begging God for everything. My new start to
New Orleans was becoming more boring and besides
church, The Lake was the only space filled on my calen-
dar. And, Im not getting paid to do that.
I have so much free time on my hands. I never
thought Id be surviving off of my parents and unemploy-
ment checks. The only thing I can do to escape was to
pray and read my bible. This was the only way I could
mentally and spiritually get to where I need to be. Jour-
naling soon became a forced habit.
The waves from the lake gently beat against the
huge rocks I sat on. My red and white blanket was starting
to blow harder because of the strong breeze. I didnt take
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into account that hurricane season is here. Thats one of
my dreads of the city of New Orleans. I cant figure out
why they created a city that sits at the bottom of a bowl.
At any moment, we could face a catastrophic storm that
would devastate the city; flooding it instantly. But I loved
the lake. It is powerful beyond measure. I stared out in the
open water with enormous respect. This great big body of
water would potentially kill me- especially because I dont
know how to swim. Lake Pontchartrain, in all its dingi-
ness, still was a place of beauty for me.
Coke bottles and dirty diapers often drifted to the
rocks. Who knows where they came from. Plastic contain-
ers, empty Popeyes Chicken boxes and occasionally
youd see an empty condom floating around- immediately
alerting you of some couples freak show at the lake. This
place meant a lot to many people. But, this is where I met
God.
Tamara, come to me, I could hear God say in the
strongest- yet most subtle voice. After running from God
in the wilderness, I reached a point of no escape from him.
When Id sit at the lake, Id write in my journal about just
how much I failed God. I cheated on him with Benjamin
and my own selfish ambition. I almost sold my soul to
Benjamin. I spent the entire summer not only looking for
job, but begging God to give me another chance.
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Thirty-Five
After a full summer of forced seclusion due to un-
employment, restoration became my middle name. And, I
had no choice. Benjamin hadnt kept in touch with me all
summer. And, I wasnt going to try and hold on to some-
one who didnt want to hold on to me. Nope. I was deter-
mined to move on.
An entire season passed, which made me conscious
of my current season. I was no longer the woman who
lived a life of separation from God. Now, Im stronger,
wiser and attempt to dress myself in sobriety every morn-
ing I woke up. And, when Id rise up out of bed, my motto
scripture would greet me:
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A single person cares for the things of the Lord;
how hell please God.
The next morning, my alarm clock greeted me
playing Fred Hammonds This is the Day. The loud
bass immediately forced me to jump out of bed quickly.
And then, the smell of eggs, bacon and pancakes gave me
slight pause. Mom always made the best breakfast. I felt
like a little girl whose first day of school was here.
Tam, Ive got breakfast, my mom yelled.
My mom seemed to always make sure her children
were prepared. Preparation is the key, shed say. When
our first day of school was here, she made sure we had
two of everything for school. If our backpacks allowed,
she would have given us an extra uniform to put inside of
it. Although I am decades older, she still made sure I was
ready for my first day on the job.
Typical for my mom.
With my toothbrush in my mouth I replied.
Coming!
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Hurry before your eggs get cold.
I scuffled to my closet, while trying to put panty-
hose on and almost slipped. I slid the closet door open and
prayed to find a nice blouse to match my black suit. Pro-
fessionalism was so important to me and the last thing I
needed was to wear a shirt that would deliver the wrong
message.
Okay, Tamara. Nothing too low cut. Nothing too
bright. Nothing too spunTam. Professional. Professional.
My thoughts ran rampart. I was so obsessed with looking
the part. But thats probably because I feel like its been
forever since someone finally gave me a chance at a job
out here in New Orleans- and one where Id make a decent
amount of money. When I sat in the interview, my man-
ager Mary, made sure to alert me of how my boss Dr.
Sparks was very anal about time.
First thing in the morning Dr. Sparks expects you
to have his coffee on his desk and his medical dictations
ready for his review, she said.
This put a fire under my heels and made me a little
apprehensive about working for him. I was that anal boss
in Seattle. I was the one whos employers froze as they
walked pass my office. Me. To say that I will now have a
boss treat me that way really meant Karma truly does
come back to bite.
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I dressed myself for work wearing my black suit
and very appropriate silk pearl Anne Taylor blouse under-
neath. I ran down the stairs and glanced at my watch,
which showed me that I had twenty minutes to get to the
hospital. It was important that I get there early to get set-
tled.
Have a blessed day, my mom said, while I ran
past her out of the house. I was determined to not let any-
thing get in the way of my prompt arrival at work. Just
when I opened the door, my jaw hit the floor in disbelief.
My car window was shattered all over the concrete and
mini garden that sat next to my parking spot. And a broom
lied next to the broken glass.
What in the world?
No, No, No! I shouted, like a little girl having a
temper tantrum. My mom came running outside, after
hearing my screams.
Tamara, what happened? she asked, with worry
in her voice.
I walked around my car to investigate.
More broken glass.
The back window had been broken in, also. The
only thing stolen from the inside was my ash tray that was
filled with coins and my leather CD case.
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I just can't believe this. This is just another thing
I whined. I paced back and forth next to my car, still in
shock that someone broke into it last night. Right when I
decide to get my life back in order, an unexpected twist
derails me. Now, Im running late, I muffled.
Dont worry, Tamara. Let me grab my purse, my
mom suggest. She was good at running to my rescue.
My dad came stirring outside. Aint this a trip,
my dad said in anger. Wait, bay. I'll take Tamara to work
this morning.
He put his hands on his hips and shook his head,
like he usually did when something was wrong. He had
just washed and waxed it yesterday- prepping me for my
first day. Mom and dad both are good at that. Ill see
about getting your window fixed too, he added. Now,
lets go before youre running late.
I'm sorry about this Tamara, mom said, while
waving as we pulled off.
I told my parents to move out of the hood.
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Thirty-Six
Dr. Sparks office wasnt a typical doctors office.
It looked more like a bunch of rooms straight out of Mar-
tha Stewarts Magazine. Instead of the typical chairs and
table in the waiting area, it had a beautiful chocolate
leather sectional, with soft baby blue pillows resting on
them. Other beautiful and very comfortable recliners sat
beside it. Im assuming they are for the pregnant women
that come in needing their feet up. A gorgeous fish tank sat
right outside of the receptionist desk. They had a great
view. His secretary, Wendy, seemed to always be happy
and it was probably because she had such a perfect view.
But, what I couldnt understand was how Dr. Sparks
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worked in such a beautiful place and have such a mean
spirit.
I typically sat quietly at my desk typing his dicta-
tions. No iPod playing. Nothing. Just complete silence,
besides tapping my keys rhythmically. On occasion, you
could hear an enormous sigh, as I looked in my small
round mirror that sat on my desk and glared at my eyes.
Instead of running things at the office, I was his assistant. I
had become Madison.
My office was a smaller one that sat right on the
outside of his. I didnt have the luxury of picking out my
own color scheme, so I had to bend and work in an area
with walls that were coated in light pink and with tables
that always kept fresh pink roses on them. This was be-
ginning to feel like a secret garden- or better yet, a
shrinks office.
A knock startled me, just as I was standing to go to
Dr. Sparks office.
Tamara, I feel like eating a hot plate of Shrimp St.
Charles from Copelands. Take my card and order it, he
demanded.
He walked out and shut the door.
Oh, and order whatever you want, he added.
I shrugged my shoulders, assuming he added that
in as some kind of a nice gesture. Usually when he asked
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for something to eat, it meant he was ready for it like yes-
terday. He worked himself like an obsessed man. Obsessed
with the female anatomy, in a professional way. I even
wondered if he had a family.
Looking at Dr. Sparks made me realize exactly
who I would have become had I continued in the lifestyle I
lived in Seattle. Hardworking. Diligent. Competitive. And,
Lonely. I grabbed my purse, stopped by his desk to toss in
the chart I just completed and headed out the door.
The worst part about going to Copelands during
lunch hour was the traffic. St. Charles Street had the worse
afternoon traffic jams. People bumped their horns so
much, I thought I was in New York. Too much congestion.
I tried to utilize the back roads, but they were no better. It
seems like everybody tried that. To let go of my frustra-
tion, I put Mary Marys CD in and listened to I Worship
You- letting the words speak to my spirit. And I needed
something to minister to me- considering someone broke
into my car while Im going through this agonizing time
of deliverance. The Lord must be teaching me patience,
because if this car blows his horn at me one more time-
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My cell phone rang, just in time and to my sur-
prise, its Benjamin. Should I answer? It only takes three
rings until my voice mail hits.
Ring Two.
Hello.
Tamara, wow, I didnt expect to get you, he said.
Then why did you call? I snapped.
I planned to just leave a voicemail to say hello,
but Im glad youre on the line.
Just to say hello? I shouldnt have answered.
Hows Carolyn? My voice still cut and dry.
Shes good. Not working, which is good for her-
you know how she is. He chuckled, as if he was trying to
have a bright conversation.
My mouth seemed to only be able to respond so
dry because of his neglect to call me all summer. Then I
had to ask.
So, all summer, Benjamin? I didnt hear from you
all summer. And now the sudden call? I blew my horn at
the car that just cut in front of me. Oh good, heres Cope-
lands.
Yeah, about that. You said you needed timeso I
gave you time, he answered.
I didnt know youd take that so literally.
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Well, you said it. And usually when Tamara
Thompson said something, people better listen and com-
ply, right? The depth of his voice spoke sarcastic.
Funny, I said sarcastically back at him.
Im going to be in New Orleans in the next couple
of weeks. Id like to see you when Im there.
What business do you have in New Orleans? I
wondered. Hes never here.
Classified, government stuff.
I see.
I paused.
Will you be there? he asked.
I might be. Youll just have to call me when
youre around and Ill let you know.
He paused.
Why so cut and dry, Tamara? his voice shifted to
one of concern and my frustration continued to grow the
more I could hear it. I didnt need his sympathy, so I was
not going to spell out the horror of my summer; my most
recent car being broken into; my seclusion on the lake-
though my favorite spot- but nonetheless, I spent time
there alone; the humbling experience of living with my
parents again. And, the nightmare of a boss, whos a total
reflection of who I used to be once-upon-a-time. Instead, I
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channeled my frustration to the intense traffic and my try-
ing to find a parking spot.
Im just a little frustrated because Im looking for
a parking spot to get some lunch so I can get back to
work, I explained without an apology. He didnt need
one.
Work? he asked.
Yes, work. So let me go. I just found a spot and
Im about to run inside to grab this lunch so I can get
back.
Call me later, Tam. Ok? He begged.
Later.
I hung up. I wasnt sure if Id call him tonight or
not. Although Id never admit it to him, I actually missed
his voice. Maybe our space apart was how wed grow
closer again. Or, maybe he was trying to have the best of
both worlds again; me here in New Orleans and another
chick on the side up there in Seattle. Hes still wrong for
that and I havent forgotten. Help me Lord.
The smell of sauted shrimp and strawberry cheesecake
immediately transformed my mood into a pleasant one. I
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walked in smiling. I paused to look at the massive crowd
that seemed to be bombarding the take-out counter. ESPN
was on a flat screen television that hung over the bar- The
Young and the Restless on the other. Guys swarmed next to
the one playing ESPN of course. Out in the dining area,
people ate, laughed, talked and were waiting for their
food. They looked happy- although Id be very happy to
sit at the table and eat here too. Instead, Im ordering
lunch to go. I walk up to the take-out counter.
Hello. I want to place an order for take-out. They
were busy behind there and short-staffed. Bad combina-
tion.
Okay maam. What would you like? he asked.
He grabbed a pencil from above his ear and began writing
on a small white pad.
Great. Their systems are down.
Id like the Shrimp St. Charles and a Barbeque
Shrimp Fettuccini. Id also like two slices of strawberry
cheesecake please, with no whip cream.
He said I can order whatever I want. And, my ab-
solutely favorite thing to eat from Copelands is their in-
credible cheesecake. Besides prayer, it is the answer to all
of my problems.
Yes maam, he said, while continuing to write on
his little pad. I hope he got it all on there.
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How long is the wait? I tapped my finger nails
on the counter, while looking at the sample slices of
cheesecake behind the glass. They all looked amazing.
But, I didnt have all day to wait on their food. Dr. Sparks
wouldnt have it either.
Give us about 15 minutes, and itll be ready, he
said.
Great. Thanks.
We swapped the money for a ticket and I stepped
to the side. I found an available barstool at the bar- under
the ESPN television and next to what looks like huge lava
lamps. I glanced at The Young and the Restless, but
couldnt stand the drama so I turned toward Sports Center.
The waiter walked in front of me.
Can I get you a drink? he asked.
Drink? Not on my lunch break.
No thanks, I said, while turning my head from
the counter. Drinks arent very tempting to me anymore,
but just to be safe, Id better not. Besides, its unprofes-
sional to drink on your lunch break- unless youre the
boss.
I turned my barstool back towards the counter and
discretely waved my hands. Excuse me. Actually, Ill
have a glass of cranberry juice, please. I changed my
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mind. It dawned on me that a drink doesnt always mean
alcoholic drink.
He poured my juice and sat it on top of a folded
napkin, just as the crowd began in what seemed like a
sudden roar about something. I couldnt figure it out.
Women were fanning themselves. Men were even excited.
What was I missing? I turned from watching Sports Center
and looked in the crowd to see what all of the chaos was
about. Then I saw a very tall man signing autographs.
Other guys were with him. Oh great, I thought. Some ce-
lebrity. They just better not be late with my food.
Ten minutes and counting.
Unimpressed, I turned my head back to the televi-
sion and sipped on my cranberry juice.
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Thirty-Seven
Excuse me, is this seat taken? His voice sank
deep with a little of Barry White mixed in there. I swal-
lowed a sip of my cranberry juice and slowly turned
around. Before I could open my mouth to speak, I looked
in his eyes and saw a smile. His eyes smiled before his lips
did. His skin had a caramel complexion and his goatee
gently outlined his cheekbones. His teeth were perfect. His
eyes were light brown. They were warm and inviting. I see
why women were fanning their faces. A few seconds
passed and he continued to stare at me as if he was taking
note of my features as well. I suddenly wondered how my
hair looked or if my makeup was intact. I hope I dont
have lipstick on my teeth. I counted the seconds before I
gave a response.
One one-thousand.
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Two one-thousand.
Three-
Um, No. I dont think so, I managed to muster.
He cleared his throat.
I cleared mine.
Thanks, he said. How long have you been wait-
ing?
About eight minutes.
Gosh, hes gorgeous.
I couldnt stop staring at him. Its like I was sucked
in by some kind of spell. And when he smiled with his
lips, it made me melt. I didnt say anything else. I looked
at my watch and hoped they were going to call my ticket
number at any time so I could leave from sitting next to
him.
He started laughing with his buddies at something
that was on Sports Center. Sports Center was highlighting
a dunk contest. I was glad that took his attention.
My phone rang.
I turned towards the television to refrain from hav-
ing any kind of peripheral vision on him.
Hello.
Tamara. Your car is going to take a while. I called
the cops, filed a report since it was on my property and
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they are dusting for fingerprints. We may have to get you
another car.
Well thats just great, I whispered. I dont need
another car. My car was perfectly fine until someone
broke into it. Gosh! I hope the man next to me didnt hear
that.
Thanks dad, I added. I appreciate your working
on this for me.
We hung up. I looked at my watch and noticed how
they are about ten minutes past the time they said they
would be ready with my food. Frustration grew on my
face, again.
Um, is everything okay? The guy sitting next to
me asked out of concern. I turned to look at him sharply.
Sure, he was cute. But, he should mind his business.
Doesnt it look like something is wrong? I asked,
as I waited for his response. I took more than a sip of my
cranberry juice and immediately wished there was a drop
of alcohol in it.
Is that a rhetorical question?He replied. His tone
was still gentle, with a firm undertone. I could tell he was
concerned. I kept my eyes on the television.
Well, where can I start? Um. My car was broken
into, and it looks like Ill need another one. This sets me
back a little because I just relocated here from Seattle.
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I could feel myself starting to pour out a little bit
too much info to this perfect stranger. He didnt know me
from Adam and I felt compelled to share my life story
with him all because of the warmth of his eyes.
Sounds like you could use a break, he said.
He smiled.
I just about melted in my chair, again.
I could. But, a break is only something people get
in a fantasy world. Not mine.
They called my number and I stood up with my
purse in my hand.
Wait a second, he said to stop me. Im going to
be in town for the weekend. Why dont you let me take
you out sometimeyou know, so you can have a break.
His offer was tempting. But, he could be a con-
victed killer all I know. I couldnt possibly let him take me
out that fast. The only thing I know about him is the soft-
ness of his eyes that I have to force myself to look away
from.
Im sorry but-
He interrupted me. I know Im just a guy you just
met and I could be a convicted killer all you know. I just
wanted to do something nice for a woman who could use
it. Thats all. Pure intentions, scouts honor. He raised two
fingers.
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What is he a mind reader?
I dont know, I said, shying away. But when I
turned around and looked in his eyes, he had written his
number down on a napkin and slid it in front of me.
Call me. I can meet you here again, if you want.
That way you can sit and enjoy this restaurant instead of
ordering food to go.
Youd take me here, again? I laughed.
Yes. Cant beat knowing you already like this
place. He laughed.
His laugh was contagious. I smiled because he did.
I laughed because he did. I stood up and took the napkin. I
saw his name written on it along with a Seattle area code
in his number.
Kameron, youre from Seattle?
I play basketball for the Portland, Trailblazers.
No wonder ladies were flirting with him. They
kept staring as us.
Wow, a ball-player huh? I giggled. Thats inter-
esting.
Interesting? he smiled again.
Ill consider calling youonly because it would
be interesting to know what it feels like to go out with a
NBA player.
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Oh, so youre just going to use my professional
career as a reason to date me?
Well, what else can I base it on? Your charming
good looks? I said, sarcastically. I smiled at him with
wide eyes and noticed the girls who started to inch their
way toward our side of the bar. Look, Ive got to run. Ill
give you a call.
Whats your name?He asked.
Tamara, I said while walking off.
What just happened?
Dr. Sparks didnt care about my tardiness from
lunch. I walked in explaining the wait, and he could barely
hear me. His focus was always on his patients. Somehow,
there was nothing he was say to me today that would dis-
tract me from wondering who Kameron is. That entire ex-
perience was different for me because I was blown away
by his gentlemanlike persona. I continued working for the
day and headed home to find out what the status update
for my car was.
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The rental car was nothing like my own. This black
Dodge Neon was too small and very stiff. And, the stereo
system made my music sound like it was coming from a
computer with one good speaker. And, it made my CDs
skip. I hated driving it.
I pulled up at my parents house to find my dad
underneath my car. The window was fixed, but he was
changing the oil.
Dad, the cops must be done.
Yeah. It didnt take them long. I cleaned it up for
you- tried to save it the best I could. I know how much
you like this car.
And I did. I like my car. It gave me some good
miles, great trips and is very reliable. Plus, Mercedes last
long.
I appreciate it more than you know. Can I buy you
dinner? I asked. Its not very often I offer to buy dinner
for my dad.
Youwant to buy dinner for me? He asked, with
a surprised grin on his face. Well, well, well.
He laughed.
Youve done enough for me already since Ive
been out here from Seattle. I owe you.
Youre my daughter and this is what fathers do
for their daughters. He walked up to give me a hug. I ex-
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tended my arms and hugged him tightly. My dad gave bear
hugs. When he hugged, he holds you for a while, rocking
from side to side and squeezing tightly. His medium ath-
letic build made him feel comfortable. A person can rest
easily on his shoulders. They were broad.
Im so blessed, I whispered. Lets have
Whiskers. They have the best catfish and I havent had
any since Ive been back.
I walked inside the house to find my mom in the
kitchen stirring a pot, as usual. The brightness of the sun
forced its way into the kitchen window. She turned toward
me. Hey Tam. How was work?
She smiled.
Work is good. Interesting day. Met a guy. I spoke
plainly and in phrases. My relationship with my mom was
one I could brag about. We often talked about everything,
from men to my personal convictions. We were so close
because instead of condemning me, she prayed with me.
After I moved back from Seattle, we spent a lot of time
bonding together. She gave me some space, but always
made sure to encourage me with a word that was always
timely. And when I needed to vent, she didnt hesitate to
listen. We developed a new relationship. She became a
crucial part of my redemption.
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Met a guy? She was sure not to pass that one up.
She turned back to her pot to stir.
What are you cooking? I asked, trying to peek
inside the pot.
White Beans, she answered.
They smelled heavenly. I could have stood over
that pot the rest of the evening. I leaned against the wall,
trying not to knock down the calendar that sat on the wall
beside the stove. I looked at her expression and noticed
how she saw my attempt to change the subject. I place my
brief case beside my leg.
His name is Kameron. I met him at Copelands
today. I went to get lunch for Dr. Sparks and he was
there.
Her eyebrows raised in curiosity. She had a snoopy
look on her face, as if she was ready to hear what my
thoughts were. She half smiled and stopped stirring.
Is he cute? She blushed.
I blushed just thinking about the brightness in his
eyes and gentleness in his speech. I sighed.
He was alright, I rolled my eyes.
Just alright? Yeah right. I see you blushing.
I picked up my briefcase and turned to walk out of
the kitchen. I may go out with him again. He left me his
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number. I opened the mailbox that was hanging on the
kitchen wall.
I walked out the kitchen to avoid any further con-
versation about Kameron. My mom loves to talk about
everything, and this wasnt a subject I was ready to ex-
pound on.
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Thirty-Eight
Insomnia got the best of me some nights. Id find
myself staring over and over at the scripture on the wall.
But this night, I couldnt help but think about Kameron
and who he is. Is he just a ball-player trying to hook up
and get a one-night stand while hes in town? Was he sin-
cere? I had many questions. I took the napkin he had writ-
ten his number on out of my purse and stared at it. I
squinted my eyes, unsure of how I was going to examine
his penmanship. His handwriting was legible. Oh, why
not, I thought. I could at least call him to let him know that
I appreciate the compliment of him introducing himself to
me, but I was not in a position to date.
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I grabbed my cell phone and dialed his number,
after blocking my number. I wasnt ready for him to have
it just yet.
Hello, he answered. His voice was a little muf-
fled, as if he was in bed, or trying to figure out who was
calling him from a private number. I felt bad, but not that
bad.
Hi. Its Tamara. Im sorry if I called at a bad
time.
I put my hands over my eyes.
Tamara? Dont feel bad. Im glad you called.
I swallowed and sighed, as I sat up on the edge of
my bed.
I was just calling to say-
He interrupted me.
that youll go out with me? He chuckled.
Actually, I-
would be delighted? He chuckled again.
I was beginning to think that he enjoyed finishing
my sentences. I smiled at his sweet sense of humor.
Tamara, he continued. Im sorry about your car
situation. I overheard you talking about it on the phone in
Copelands. Is there anything I can do?
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This perfect stranger asked me if there was any-
thing he could do. I raised my eyebrows at how interesting
that sounds. Hes a professional basketball player, surely
he has the money to buy me a brand new car- and pay cash
for it. I laughed at that idea.
I appreciate your concern, Kameron.
I just wanted to encourage you about what hap-
pened. I'm terribly sorry to hear about that, but I do under-
stand exactly how you feel because that same thing hap-
pened to me before.
Thanks for that. It is a bit frustrating when some-
one breaks into your car and takes your stuff. I felt vio-
lated. I just hope they found Christ because they were all
Gospel CD's
Christ, huh? He paused.
There was silence on the phone for about thirty
seconds.
I havent heard a woman say the word Christ in a
long time. Its nice to talk to another believer, he added.
My jaw dropped to the floor. Hes a Christian. I
wasnt sure what to say next.
Wellyes, I replied. Its nice to hear that
youre a born again believer too.
Makes going out with me a little easier now,
huh? he said, while chuckling. His chuckles were funny.
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284
They were contagious. I couldnt help but laugh after he
did. I tried to hold back, but his laughter forced me to
bend.
Just because youre a Christian, doesnt mean
youre not crazy. And youre not a crazy man, are you Mr.
Basketball player?
He laughed. His laugh made his voice go from a
smooth deep one to an almost high range. He was cracking
up.
Mr. Basketball Player, huh? He kept laughing.
I thought it was funny too.
Well, what do you say? Ill be in town this week-
end. Basketball season is over and we have some time for
ourselves until its time for practice and the preseason be-
gins. Im here in New Orleans for a week to visit with
some family members.
Visiting family? I was relieved. I took a deep
breath; happy to hear that he was not here to go partying
in the French Quarters.
Tomorrow, he continued. Its Saturday, so lets
catch an early movie and then have lunch at Copelands. I
promise I wont even have you out too late.
He was concerned about my lateness? Probably
because he knows I live with my parents. I smiled in ap-
preciation of his consideration.
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285
Okay. That sounds good. I can meet you at the
movie theatre if you want.
Are you sure you dont need me to come get you.
Remember, your car?
Thats right. Wellsure, you can come pick me
up, thats fine.
Okay great. About 11am?
11 Oclock sounds good to me.
I blushed.
Great. Ill see you then, Ms. Tamara.
The way he said Ms. Tamara did better than send
shivers down my spine. It made me smile. It gave me
peace. And knowing he was a believer in Christ really
made things that much sweeter. Immediately after our
phone call, I dropped to my knees and asked God about
Kameron.
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286
Thirty-Nine
He smelled good. I tried to keep my eyes on the
road, even though they couldnt help but wander his way.
He must have had on my favorite mens cologne; Isimiaki.
He offered small talk while I drove and I couldnt help
wondering if I was over dressed. For a basketball player, I
was impressed at his casual wear. I expected a jersey, but
smiled at the thought of him wearing another teams ap-
parel. Do professional ball players even do that? My emo-
tions began to confuse me, while he talked. I could almost
feel. It seemed as if my thoughts about my prior frustra-
tions were null and void. He took my mind off of them. I
glanced his way in slow motion. Looking down in his
eyes, the curve of his nose and softness of his lips, his
smooth skin. His appeal made me shake nervously. His
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287
sincerity made me question why we met because when I
sat next to him and he spoke to me, my heart beat slowly
and without anxiety. Everything seemed okay.
So, how does it feel to be back in New Orleans?
Are you back to being familiar with things? he asked.
His question immediately pulled me out of the
clouds and a grim look appeared on my face. I looked at
the road.
I dont know what to feel. I came under the wrong
circumstances, to me anyway.
What do you mean?
I never wanted to move back. I sighed. I never
intended to. I was supposed to stay in Seattle working,
prospering or moving to Washington D.C. to work for the
government. They all rejected me. I stopped talking, as-
suming Id already went in too deep about my personal
life. Its my goal to keep as much information about my-
self private. Ive always believed that women get more
vulnerable by giving away too much. Lay your heart out
on the table and you give a man the okay to crush it. I
pulled back and changed the subject. So, do you like
New Orleans?
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288
His face looked puzzled, as if he was trying to fig-
ure out where Im headed. Its okay. Good food, great
music. Not so sure Id live here though.
I smirked- glad to have heard him say that. I was
hoping he would try to get traded to the Hornets.
Good.
Look Tamara, I'm sure you did the right thing by
moving back here.
I sure do hope so. I just want a new life, you
know, I quickly added.
We pulled up to the movie theater. The sun
strongly beamed down on us. There wasnt a cloud in the
sTam. His height played a huge part in my obtaining
shade. Stay to the left, I thought. I left my sunglasses on
my bed.
So, do you play video games? he asked.
Video games? He must be trippin.
Video games?
Yes. Want to play a little one on one with me?
Who did I look like trying to play a kids basket-
ball game with a professional basketball player who is
over 6ft tall? His height advantage was not fair. But, I
smiled at his attempt to play a childish game. He tried to
take my mind off of my circumstance, I could tell.
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289
We walked to the video arcade section of the thea-
tre to waste a little time before Hitch started. We were 30
minutes early. He tugged at my arm.
Come on, he whined.
You know this isnt a fair game, right? I half
way smiled at his tenderness.
Now I know youre not afraid of a little game?
Funny, but I bet you I'd win, I laughed.
Two can play this game.
Whatever shorty, lets play ball.
We sat in the movie theatre quietly. Will Smith en-
tertained us comically. He was funny as usual and Kam-
eron seem to really have enjoyed our date. His laugh made
me laugh. I sat next to him smiling because in a movie
theatre there is no talking. No sharing personal informa-
tion. We were just two people sitting still for two hours
and waiting for time to pass by. I suddenly shrugged in my
seat at what would come next for my break; Copelands.
Man, that dude Will is crazy, right? he laughed,
as we walked out of the theatre.
Yeah, hes sort of funny- a little eccentric.
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290
I kept a straight face while I was faced with the
sudden horror of sitting in front of him at a restaurant ta-
ble.
Are you ready to eat lunch? he asked, while
reaching to put his arm around me. He wasnt ready for
how swift I am. I turned in a way to make sure his arm
didnt reach mine; which Im sure was impressive because
of his long wing-span.
I can eat, I replied.
He looked at me as if he wanted to ask why he
couldnt put his arm around me. And, I looked back at him
with my face replying I dont know you.
The drive to Copelands lasted about fifteen min-
utes, in which we shared the entire drive listening to mu-
sic. My small sideways smile in the car indicated victory.
He didnt need to show me any affection. He didnt need
to get that close to me. He didnt need to know me and at
Copelands he was not going to.
Im glad you agreed to let me take you to lunch
today, he said smoothly.
I thought I owed you a thank you, I said.
Your welcome, he replied. Will I see you
again?
I swallowed. Why did you ask me out?
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291
It was your charming good looks, he said sarcas-
tically, remembering what I told him at Copelands when
we met.
I laughed a sarcastic laugh providing no words.
Seriously though Tamara, you appealed to me. I
had to find a way to get to know something about you.
I sat up a little closer in my chair and took another
sip of water. You could have simply asked the waiter
what I ordered. That would have been getting to know
something about me.
That wasnt good enough, he said. But maybe
youre right. I could have asked.
Well, you should have. I rolled my eyes and
looked around the room at other tables. Couples looked
like they were genuinely happy. They were holding hands.
Kissing. One table had a bouquet of balloons sitting on it.
Yall, she said yes! a man screamed.
Waiters clapped loudly and cheered for that mans
happiness. They celebrated love with them. Kameron
clapped with them and I stared at their table with a tear
dropping out of one of my eyes. The instant the man
reached up to hug his new fianc, I wiped my tear- hoping
it was unnoticeable by Kameron. But, it was too late. He
saw my tear fall. He saw there was pain inside. I made no
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292
further eye contact the rest of our lunch date. I ate quietly
and waited to leave.
Stillness filled the car, as I drove him home. He
looked at me like he wanted to reach out to me. And, I
could see sincerity in his eyes. But I had to keep looking
forward. I couldnt lose my focus. Then, he broke the si-
lence just as I pulled up to the W Hotel.
Can I have your number? He didnt hesitate a bit
when he asked. I saw you trying to be anonymous when
you called me, he laughed.
I swallowed.
I have your number, remember? I said, with a
dry voice.
How am I supposed to keep in touch with you?
Look me up on Facebook.
Okay so how many millions of Tamaras are
you going to make me look through? he asked. He
laughed. Can at least I have your last name?
I paused, but thought it was a funny gesture to give
him my last name so he could friend requests me on Face-
book. Ill see if he can keep in touch with me this way.
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Thompson, I replied.
And how do you spell that? he asked, smiling.
T-h-o-m-p-s-o-n, I spelled with stiffness in my
tone and grinding my teeth.
Cool. Well, I guess Ill be chatting with you later,
Ms. Tamara Thompson. He smiled with his eyes again,
and I sighed; melting on the inside.
He closed the car door after he got out. Hey,
whats your middle name? he asked, as I was pulling off.
I waved good-bye and left.
I looked in the rear view mirror and saw he was
still standing there watching me drive away.
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294
Forty
So, whats this about a guy named Kameron?
Trina asked, with a smug look on her face after she opened
my door surprising me.
Hey, chick. Its good to see you too, I replied.
Kameron? Kam and Tam? she joked.
Hes just some guywhats that in your hand? I
asked to try and change the subject. She carried a bunch of
loose magazine pages in her hand with wedding dresses
and floral arrangements on them.
She sat down next to me.
Well, since you are my maid of honor, I needed to
go over dresses and floral arrangements with you. You
know- do this wedding planning thing.
Trina, I thought you already decided on your
dress?
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295
I did its the floral arrangements that are stress-
ing me out. Do you know how much Wal-Mart charges per
flower? She looked frustrated and her bright red skin was
beginning to turn beet red. Any moment she would match
the color of her hair.
Dont stress. Well figure something out.
I cleared my throat and kept my eyes glued to the
clippings- hoping she wouldnt get curious about Kam-
eron.
Have you heard from Benjamin since youve been
back? she asked. I knew she was going to go there. No
escaping any part of my dramatic life. I rolled my eyes
and sighed.
Yeah, he called me the other day. Said hes com-
ing to town soon.
So, are you going to see him? Maybe hes looking
for closure.
I only hoped.
I wrinkled my eyebrows.
I tried to have closure and he made it worse by
asking me to consider us again before I left.
I think its a good idea to see his meatball head,
she laughed.
I laughed too, just thinking about how accurate her
critique of his head is.
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296
He does have a meatball head, doesnt he? I
laughed harder. Lets just go to Wal-Mart and see what
they have. Maybe we can find a better deal by talking to
the lady who works that department.
I appreciate that girl.
No problet me grab my purse.
I hate this Wal-Mart. The congestion. The ignorant
people that shop there. When Trina said she was ordering
her floral arrangements from there, I begged her to pick
another place. It seems some people have the nastiest atti-
tudes in there and always have a thousand items in their
basket- walking over to the 20 items or less aisle. You can
walk out of that Wal-Mart depressed or in raged.
We walked in and I kept my eyes on the ceiling,
avoiding eye contact with everybody. She chose to go to
the Wal-Mart in the hood. We should have gone to the one
in Jefferson Parish, I thought. We continued walking and
headed straight for the floral arrangements.
These are the ones I was thinking about, Trina
said, while picking up artificial yellow begonias. This is a
perfect match to my white lilies.
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I like that, I replied. They looked pretty, al-
though she probably couldnt tell from my wrinkled up
facial expression. I cant believe they have the floral ar-
rangements next to the deli. Something stinks over there.
My palm buzzed with an alert from my Facebook
application. While Trina walked over to speak with the
clerk, I grabbed my palm to check my message. It was
from Kameron.
Hey, Ms. Tamara Thompson- I found you on Facebook
(smile). I just wanted to drop a note to see how you are
doing. You can write me here anytime if you need to talk
about anything. God bless
He wrote me? I thought. A smile peaked through
my frustrated cheeks. I shook my head and looked around
to see if Trina was near. Should I write back?
I began to contemplate writing him back, but was
unsure if I was ready to consistently communicate with a
guy. Sure he kept me smiling on the inside and cracked an
occasional corny joke. But, after my drama with Benja-
min, I couldnt bear any more.
Trina walked over, just as I was starting to put my
phone back inside my purse. Who was that? she asked.
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298
Nothingdid you find what you were looking
for? I kept the content on my face stiff so she couldnt
assume anything.
Girl, what's wrong? You look a little frustrated,
Trina asked. I knew shed pick up on my expressions bet-
ter than anybody. She put her flowers down and stared me
in the eyes. Talk to me, Tam.
How come you always seem to know when some-
thing is wrong? I asked.
Call it best friend radar if you like, but come on...
what's going on?
I took a deep breath and an emotionally dramatic
sigh. Im fine. Just in deep thought, as usual. I replied.
Deep thought about what? Whats got you so fo-
cused? She dug a little deeper and inched her way a little
closer.
I mean just regular things you know. I dont want
to spoil your day. Were supposed to be finalizing your
floral stuff. Well talk later.
She came a little bit closer and then quickly
grabbed my palm out of my hand.
WaitTri-, I stammered.
Shes quick.
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She looked at my phone and saw Kamerons Face-
book profile picture. Her eyes glistened. Her face smiled.
Then her eyes widened with curiosity.
Well, well, well. So this is Kameron, she said,
over emphasizing his name. She scrolled through his
photo album. And, wait a second. He plays professional
basketball for the NBA? For the Portland Trailblazers?
I blushed and looked away.
Tamara she called.
Yes, thats Kameron.
Why didnt you tell me?
Tell you what?
About your new beau, she giggled.
For a brief second I felt like we were two high
school teenagers ogling over the school jock.
Hes just someone I met. I hardly classify him as
a friend. Although, he did appear to be endearing, caring
and compassionate and I was not going to share that with
her just yet.
And look at his picture, Trina said. He is fine.
Alright nah, soon to be Mrs. Trina.
We both laughed together.
Look, well talk more about Kameron another
time. I just want to keep getting to know him more.
Are yall talking on the phone? she asked.
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300
No maam. Were Facebooking, I laughed.
Girl, you didnt give that man your number?
No I did not. I dont know him. He could be
crazy.
But, why did your mom tell me you went out with
this crazy man? Hm?
Busted. Thanks mom.
And Im supposed to be your BFF, child, Trina
said. We go way back, she added.
I just couldnt say anything yet, Trina. We went
out to see a movie and have lunch. That was it.
Feel anything for him? She asked, cutting
straight to the chase.
I paused for a moment to think about whether or
not I should answer honestly. His eyes were warm and in-
viting, sincere and serene. And I melted each time I looked
at them. And, hes a Christian. No one could know that
though. Its impossible to feel something for someone this
quickly.
Wait a minute. By religious preference, his profile
said Christian, with a scripture next to it. Trina said.
I know where this is going.
Tamara, read what scriptures he has on it. You
wont believe it.
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I hadnt looked that deep into his profile, but was
curious to see what was there.
My jaw dropped to the floor.
God works in mysterious ways, Trina said.
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Forty-One
My Macbook Pro called my name. I obliged and
checked my email at 1AM. Against my better nature, I
found myself scrolling through boring spam emails. Con-
sidering I have work in the morning, youd think I would
be sleeping. Whats worse was my decision to check
Facebook. Should I respond to Kamerons message? I
wasnt so sure. But I flirted with the idea. What he wrote
was tattooed in my mind.
Hey, Ms. Tamara Thompson- I found you on
Facebook (smile). I just wanted to drop a note to see how
you are doing. You can write me here anytime if you need
to talk about anything. God bless
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303
I read his message over and over again, as if he
had just written it seconds ago. With slight pause, I
stretched out on my stomach with my laptop in front of me
and wrote back. I hope my typing doesnt wake up anyone.
So, you wrote me. I admit I was a little surprised
to see your message in my inbox. To answer your ques-
tion, Im okay. Im a little embarrassed by the scene in
Copelands. But, I did want to say thanks for the movie
and lunch. I had a nice time. And, thanks for your encour-
agement the other day. Well, chat with you later.
I minimized my screen and put my Macbook on its
desk. I stretched and then got back in bed, snuggling under
my covers. I could hear Puggy barking downstairs, which
meant someone would be getting up to let him out for
potty.
I might as well do it since Im awake.
Without turning a light on, I grabbed my cell, tip-
toed downstairs and opened the backdoor thats in the
kitchen. I looked at Puggys bowl that was completely dry.
No wonder the poor dog is ready to pee; he drank all of his
water.
While standing outside waiting for Puggy, I got
another alert on my phone. Could Kameron really be up
this time of night? I didnt expect to hear back from him so
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304
soon. I closed my robe to stay clear of the night air and
looked at the incoming message.
I'm just a vessel that brought a little sunshine to you from
Heaven. (Smile) But seriously, I know you don't know me
well, but, I'm here for you. I wish you knew my history so
you could truly believe that, but time will tell! I'll always
be here for you to talk to. Just remember, a friend helps to
carry any burden of trouble...hold on to that!
So this is why we met, so he could be my buddy-
buddy; my pal, I assumed. I looked up at the stunning stars
that rested over my head. I breathed in and out slowly with
my eyes closed, but with keen ears to make sure Puggy
was close by. The stars were especially beautiful. The
gorgeous cluster of twinkling galaxies expressed a certain
power that only God could have in the universe. Before
another thought could enter my mind, I shook my head to
get it out. But wait a second, was he up late? I wondered.
Nervously, I called Puggy inside and put him in his ken-
nel. I lightly crept upstairs and was curious if he was still
online. I grabbed my Macbook, maximized my browser
and checked the chat box.
There he was.
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305
It took me three seconds to debate on whether or
not I was going to say hello since I saw him there. I took
another deep breath gave it a go.
Hi Kameron, I saw you online and thought to say
hello. Thank you for writing back. I typed.
Hi Ms. Thompson. Your welcome. Youre up late.
Insomnia?
A little bit.
Well, if you ever need someone to talk to, Ms.
Tamara, don't hesitate to write me back or you can give
me a call, he said.
Thats nice of you to offer, thanks. I appreciate
your willingness to help, but I'll be fine. Thanks anyway
though.
I take it youre a private person, he asked.
Very.
Our conversation was dry, but only because I was
the dry one. I didnt want to appear warm and inviting like
him. Previous relationships had turned me stone cold. For
a few seconds, he didnt type a message. My head was
bobbing and weaving at my Macbook and I had to close
my eyes and get some rest.
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306
Im logging off to get rest. Have a great night, I
abruptly said.
I closed my laptop and closed my eyes for the
night.
When my eyes peaked through its lids, the first
thing I saw was my Macbook. Then, I smiled, remember-
ing our small chat last night. He was pleasant. I was dry.
But, we talked nonetheless. I stretched, yawned and
headed to the bathroom to shower. I couldnt help but keep
a sideways smile on my face. Kameron made me smile.
He was different. If I was going to get to know anyone
new, I suddenly wanted it to be Kameron. As the warm
water beat against my back and ran through my hair, I pic-
tured his warm eyes again. They made gave me goose
bumps. Today, not even the coldness of Dr. Sparks office
could damper my spirit.
Chatting with Kameron for a brief five minutes
really encouraged me- so much that my morning ran a bit
chipper than usual. It even affected my work attire. I
wanted brighter colors. Instead of wearing my typical
black pants suit, I pulled out a grey one with a yellow and
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307
grey halter to go underneath. I was feeling a little radiant. I
couldnt even eat breakfast with so much on my mind.
Benjamin still wants me and Kameron appears to be the
perfect friend. Maybe my relationship with him can re-
main on a platonic level. Maybe Benjamin and I were
truly meant for each other and he was trying to capture his
true love before it was too late. Questionsquestions. Ei-
ther way, I smiled- feeling empowered, like the fate of
someones emotional state rested on my hands. I enjoyed
that power.
Tamara, I need Dr. Morrow! Dr. Sparks said, as
soon as I walked in the office. That was his good morning.
I would have rushed, but my pace moved in slow motion.
He can wait. Coffee was calling my name and I hated that
I didnt have a stash of Maxwell House with me. I an-
swered the call and stepped into the break room to get
some of whatever kind they had. Give me just a second,
I answered. I moseyed in my office and printed his morn-
ing dictation, while getting Dr. Morrow on the line.
Dr. Morrows on line two, I yelled. The red light
on his phone indicated he had picked up the line. I
smirked, knowing that if he is on the line with Dr. Morrow
I have at least a good thirty minutes before he would
bother me about something else. Dr. Morrow is his trusted
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308
OB friend. They typically spent hours talking about some
of the interesting cases they got in their offices. Sadly,
some of them consist of teenage girls who they saw in the
office. For such a classy OBs office, parents with an ex-
cessive amount of money would pay anything to see them
privately; especially Dr. Sparks. He was the best in the
greater New Orleans area.
A tempting offer surfaced in my mind. Should I
check Facebook to see if hes left me a message? My cell
phone was in my purse. My computer would be the only
way I could have a little privacy- considering I sit facing
the door. I wouldnt have to worry about someone inter-
rupting me and opening the door with their eyes falling on
my screen. Facebook was bookmarked to assure my easy
and quick access. I logged in. There was no message.
I probably scared him off. With an emotionless
face, I pulled out my Palm Pre and sat it on my desk on
silent and then pulled yesterdays mail from my inbox. I
sure get enough junk mail in here. Moments before I could
get too settled for the morning, my cell phone light
appears, alerting me of a text message. It was Benjamin.
Call me, it read.
I glanced over at the light on my phone and saw
the red light on line two was still on. Dr. Sparks was still
on the phone. Against my better nature, I picked up the
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309
line and dialed Benjamins number.
Hey Tamara? he answered.
Hello Benjamin.
I assumed hes calling to let me know what his
plans are. I hope he doesnt expect me to chauffer him
around town.
Ive got some great news for you, he said with
spunk in his voice.
Good news?
Yeah. But youve got to let me share it over
dinner this weekend.
Dinner?
I was adamant about only replying with one word
sentences. There was still much that Benjamin and I
needed to talk about. His cheating. His lies. Most things I
really shouldnt have been concerned about. But, since he
was going to be in town, we might as well cover those
things.
Yes. Dinner, Tamara. Can you at least let me take
you out to dinner? he begged. I could hear persistence in
his voice. It was strongly suggestive.
Okay, fine. But I pick the place, I added.
And, I planned to pick one of the most expensive
places I could fine. He owes me.
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Forty-Two
Whoa, youre really getting spunky for the
evening, where are you going? My dad asked. He looked
at the length of my black skirt and smiled at my modesty.
Im so glad you know how to be discrete, he added.
Seattle didnt turn me out, dad, I answered.
Thanks for the compliment though. I wont be out too
late. Thank God I have my own key to the back door.
My mom and dad were preparing for their Friday
night movie. Moms a huge Sci-Fi fan and my dad not so
much. Hed rather watch a good documentary movie. Yet
and still, they seemed to enjoy cuddling with each other on
their soft short sectional while eating Blue Bell Banana
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311
Split ice cream.
I stood in the hallway checking my hair in the
oTam shaped mirror that hung on the wall. While checking
my hair and makeup, I got a glimpse of my eyes. They
looked tense. Even the black eyeliner and silver eye
shadow couldnt brighten them. As I stared deep into my
iris, I could see pain; the pan that Benjamin imposed on
me. Tonight, I hoped to rectify that pain; to get to the
bottom of the root cause of it and straighten it out. The
doorbell rang right before I added more lip gloss to my
already polished lips.
Goodnight, I softly said, while tip-toeing out the
door.
Benjamin stood there tall and masculine, holding
one white rose in his hand and a small midsize jewelry
box. It caught my eye immediately. What in the world? I
thought. He must be trying to woo me. I swallowed my
thoughts- unable to get out exactly what I wanted to say. I
wanted to tell him how great he looks and to ask whats in
the box. But I didnt want to snoop. Actually, I did want to
snoop.
Whats in the box? was the first thing I said.
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312
Ill give that to you later, he replied.
Why didnt you just leave it in the car, I wanted to
ask him. My eyes tightened, unsure of how this night was
going to be. I then smiled at having the upper-hand. We
agreed I was going to pick out the restaurant. My original
thoughts brought us to Antoines- my absolute favorite
five star restaurant in the French Quarters. Although it
would be a treat for me, a restaurant of that romantic
proportion should not be on our list. He would think I
wanted to get back with him.
So, I propose we go to Ruths Chris, I quickly
suggested, while fondling with my short black patent-
leather bag. Ruths Chris was safer to me, considering Id
be spending more time trying to cut into my filet mignon
and avoiding any loose conversation. Benjamin looked
like he had something deep on his mind to talk about. And,
what in the world is in this black jewelry box? I know hes
not proposing.
I have somewhere else in mind, he smiled. And,
it was a sneaky smile; as if he had something up his
sleeve.
Benjamin, I really dont want any
What? Surprises? he asked, completing my
sentence.
You know I dont like
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Surprises, right? Look, dont get nervous. Just
trust me.
I dont trust liars.
He paused, while reaching to open my car door. I
didnt want to give him the satisfaction of being a
gentleman for me, so I beat him to it.
The car ride was quiet, except for Robin Thickes
Lost Without You playing quietly in the background. And,
Benjamin smelled scrumptious. That was part of why I
couldnt say much. I was firmly gripped by his
intoxicating smell. And, he didnt look too shabby either.
He was wearing black pants, burnt orange button up shirt
with a black tie. His fresh hair cut was icing on the cake. I
bit my lip, he looked so good. I then began to recognize
where we were headed.
Uh, why are we going in the French Quarters? I
asked. There were countless restaurants we could be going
to, but I was certainly not in the mood for the French
Quarters drama, especially since the last time I was there
it was during my Doubletree fiasco. We pulled up to a
parking garage and walked toward the restaurant.
Antoines, huh? I asked. I stopped walking before
we approached the entrance. I looked at him like he had
lost his mind and put my hands on my hips. We cant eat
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here, I said with an unappreciative attitude.
Why? I thought this was your favorite place? he
wondered. His eyebrows frowned.
It is, but
Lets just eat and talk. Im not proposing,
Tamara, he said.
Whew. I slouched a little bit; relieved that he was
not going over the edge by proposing. As if Im not still
getting over the emotional pain he put me through. Hes
lucky I decided to go.
Wellgood. Im glad because, you sure would
have... I stopped just shy of saying something Id regret.
Just trust me, he added.
I told you, I dont trust
Liars, right? Weve already established that
tonight. He smiled, with a look of success in his eyes, as
if he knew walking into my favorite restaurant would
make me bend a little. We entered in.
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Forty-Three
Beautiful gold and crystal chandeliers took my
breath away, as we walked in. They quickly grabbed my
eyes. As we entered, we were greeted with two gentleman
wearing white tuxedos; the kind with the tail at the end of
the jacket and bow ties accompanied their black vest. They
were missing top hats, but I assumed that would have been
too much. I forgot how fancy this place was.
Table for two? the gentleman asked.
Yes, Benjamin answered. He then walked up to
the host and whispered something in his ear with his back
facing me. He looked like he was handing something to
him, but I could barely tell. I tried to snoop, but his 62
height had an advantage. I stood on the side by an
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enormous antique vase that had an illustrious mix of
bamboo and white roses. While waiting, I peaked inside
the main dining area. Sparkling wine glasses and white
napkins that were folded to perfection sat on crisp white
table cloths. The room was traced with luxurious gold
curtains that gently hung on gold rods. They looked like
real gold. The room was bright. Elegance is an
understatement.
Sir, Madame, right this way, the host said.
He directed us to a corner table for two. Benjamin
hurried to pull my chair back, but I had already sat down.
Can you at least let me be a gentleman for you?
he asked. First, the car door, now your chair
You dont need to pretend to be a gentleman for
me. No performances are needed tonight just because
were here, I replied. I rolled my eyes and looked at our
waiter, whose eyes were about the size of a coined dollar.
He was probably shocked at my abrasive attitude. The
waiter then looked at Benjamin and sighed. Both men
looked uncomfortable after hearing the strength in my
voice.
Calm down, Cruella, he whispered.
The waiter cleared his throat.
Bonjour monsieur et madam. My name is
Frederique and I will be your waiter, he said with an
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authentic French accent. Can I start you two off with a
bottle of our finest? our waiter asked.
Yes! I inwardly shouted. I needed a drink tonight,
considering who I was sitting right across from. I didnt
respond and waited to see what Benjamin would say.
Yes Sir. Ill have a bottle of
Tea, I interrupted, while looking at Benjamin
sideways. Sweet tea will work just fine for me. Thanks,
I quickly added.
Tea for the lady. And for you, Sir? Frederique
asked.
He cleared his throat. Well, tea for me, as well.
Thanks.
Frederique handed us our menus and began to
share with us the evening specialty, before asking for our
choice of appetizer.
Well need a few moments please, Benjamin
asked.
Sure. I will be on the side when youre ready.
Frederique stepped back; a safe enough distance to
not be in our conversation, though reachable waiting to
see if our glasses of tea were running low. This is what I
call good service.
So whats all of this for tonight, Benjamin? Just
be honest and cut right to the chase.
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He cleared his throat. Well, dont you want to wait
for dinner?
What you have to say depends on if I stay here for
dinner or walk out.
Youd leave me hanging in Antoines? He looked
like it was a dare.
Depends so come on. Spill it.
He sighed and folded his hands together on the
table. I took a sip of my tea, as Frederique walked up to
fill my glass.
Frederique, Ill have the Crevettes Remoulade, I
said while folding my menu and handing it to him.
Madame, Ill be back for those once you tell me
what you want for your entre, he said. Monsieur, for
your appetizer?
Ill have the same, Benjamin said. He looked my
way, smiling. I remember how much you bragged about
this.
Why are we here, Benjamin?
I have some good news for you.
This better be good.
Well, here goes, he cleared his throat as said. I
talked to some of my buddies at work and got you in.
In what? my face frowned a look of confusion.
In, meaning, I got a job for you at the NSA.
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A blank stare sat on my face.
What are you talking about? I asked.
Benjamin grabbed the black box that was in his
pocket. This is what I mean. Im serious, he said.
He opened the black box and inside was a business
card with a sergeants James Marcel name written on it.
He slid it my way.
Youre kidding me.
I picked up card and saw the legit NSA symbol on
it; the eagle with an American flag on its chest. How did
you why I stammered.
Well, I know how broken up you were about the
CIA and if anyone knows how well qualified you were for
that job, its me. I figured you could use another chance at
working for good ol Uncle Sam like you really want to.
That way, you dont have to worry about the possibility of
going to Russia or somewhere crazy- putting your life in
danger. The NSA does mean National Security
Administration, he said, with a strong emphasis on
national.
Benjamin I
Dont mention it, Tamara. I already know. He
smiled, as if his plan was a success. He even looked at
Frederique and winked his eye. Frederique smiled too.
My mouth flew open and the only words I could
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muster were thank and you.
Dont mention it, he said. We just need to get
you packed up and ready to move back to Seattle to get
you to meeting by buddy Joe. In fact, give me a few
seconds to give him a call and let him know you accept.
Wait, I said, as he pulled his Blackberry out of
his pocket. With his finger on the button, he looked up at
my worried facial expression.
What is it? he asked.
Why did you do this? I asked.
Because you deserve itits the least I could do
for
For, putting me through drama in Seattle? Is this
your plan? Get a job for me and shell surely come back?
I folded my arms and squinted my eyes, well aware
of his plan.
Tamara he begged.
I just knew this was to I couldnt get my
words out.
Would you please just stop it? He slightly raised
his voice. Why does their always have to be some kind of
slick reason why a person would want to help you? Why
cant you see my purse intentions?
His eyebrows raised in curiosity. He really must be
frustrated, I thought. I paused before parting my lips to
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say another word. He took a drink of his tea as Frederique
walked over with our appetizer. The shrimp looked
delightful. They were big and the exquisite dressing
blanketed it just right. I could eat this appetizer alone all
night. It was my favorite. I took my fork and grabbed a
couple of shrimps and put it on my saucer.
Look, Benjamin. I apologize for being so snappy.
Im sure you can understand why though, right? I looked
at him with dreary eyes, hoping he could see the pain that
still lives in there.
I thought you forgave me for what happened,
Tamara. I thought true forgiveness means you would have
moved on so that we could still be friends, at least? He
asked. He reached his hands across the table to grab mine.
I extended my hand toward his and took a deep
breath.
Yes, I have forgiven you. Its just your coming
here, and all of the things thats going on here; this whole
city. Im still taking it all in.
I do understand that. You know I still really care
about you, right?
I know.
His eyes looked sincere. Maybe I was wrong about
Benjamin. Maybe he really does care and want to mend
things back together between us.
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So, this jobthe NSA its real? I asked.
Yes. Just say the word, and Ill call Joe to give
him the go ahead to get your paperwork started. He
smiled. His eyes looked endearing and for 60 seconds he
looked like the man I once loved and trusted.
Monsieur et Madame, ready to order? Frederique
asked, while slowly walking up to our table.
A smile made its home on my lips, though my eyes
still looked curious about what Benjamin told Frederique
before we walked in. If the news was just about the job
with the NSA, which I knew he wouldnt dare tell our
waiter, I couldnt imagine what else there would be to tell
him. Some things are better left unasked.
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Forty-Four
Tomorrows the big day, I said, smiling widely at
Trina who sat next to me in Panera Bread. I took a big
bite of my turkey sandwich and followed it with a huge
gulp of lemonade. Are you excited?
Excited isnt the word. But tomorrow isnt the big
day, or did you forget with all of your men drama going
on? she laughed. She sipped her sweet tea and looked
like she was waiting for my response, while she was
glaring at other women who walked in Panera. They all
carried white bags in their hands that looked like they had
pamphlets and make up samples in them. The women
came in droves.
I know, well its a big day to me.
Were just having our final meeting, thats all,
she said.
Yeah, arent you excited? I smiled widely and
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scooted closer to our two seat table.
I am ready, she said, with emphasis on the word
ready. She wiped her brow and took another sip. So, what
are you going to do? she then asked.
Do about what? I asked. I then looked at the
other crowd of women that seemed to grow in about five
minutes to about fifty women. Are you ready to leave
here, its getting crowded? I changed the subject. Where
ever she was trying to go with the conversation, she didnt
need to.
Why do you keep changing the subject? You
know exactly what Im talking about, Tamara.
I took a deep breath.
You mean, Benjamin?
Yes. Are you going to take the offer? What about
Kameron? Trina asked. She was all in my business and
couldnt stop herself from finding out what my plans were.
She pushed her glasses back on her eyes, as she took the
last big bite of her Ham and Swiss on French.
Im not sure. I havent thought that much about it.
I prayed and am waiting to hear what the Lord said.
Thats a cop-out. What are you going to do, child?
Stop playing with me, she laughed.
I chucked at her disbelief.
Im serious. Every time Im approached with a
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big decision like this, I seem to make the wrong choice. I
need to make sure Im making the right move here.
You were looking for a way back out of New
Orleans, heres your chance.
Come on, lets get up and walk out. I think they
are looking for this table, I suggested, while looking at
the lady behind the register. She kept staring at us;
practically burning a hole in my head while I was talking.
I grabbed my tray, sipped the last of my lemonade and
walked towards the trash bin.
Trina and I got up and started walking through
Lakeside Mall. We made a quick stop to Caf Du Monde
to get beignets and kept walking.
So, talk Tamara. What are you going to do?
Trina asked.
I told you. I need to pray about it. I dont know
what else to do but wait.
You know, that man doesnt have all day to wait
and see what youre going to do, she argued.
Benjamin can wait.
Im not talking about him. Im talking about
Kameron.
Oh, I said, while trying not to run into the
countless number of women who were walking the wrong
way.
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Well, weve been chatting here and there on
Facebook. I looked sideways, hoping she wouldnt catch
my disgruntled look.
Tamara. Wow, she said. She shook her head and
kept walking.
I know, Trina. I know. I just dont know if Im
ready for real conversation with this guy.
Well, does he seem like a convicted killer to
you?
No.
Is he disrespectful?
No
Is he ugly?
No, Trina. Gosh!
Then, what is the problem? She looked agitated.
I remained silent and let her continue scorning me
about Kameron, while we walked toward another cosmetic
table.
This shadow is cute, I said, after I picked up a
yellow shadow from Cover Girl. This is perfect and will
match the begonias well. I hoped to change the subject
again.
Girl, you got one more time to change the
subject, Trina said, catching my thoughts.
Okay, Ill give him a call.
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Without blocking your number this time?
Sure, Sure.
We walked through the rest of the mall- taking
every sample and pamphlet we could. Trina continued to
interrogate me about Kameron and I tried to block every
verbal punch. Against my better nature, I let her drag me
through the mud about this rookie NBA player.
Kameron wasnt completely a distant thought. He
was a nice guy who peeked into my world to say hello
occasionally, but my strong will wouldnt let him get too
close- considering every man I let get too close ended up
leaving a deep scar. Benjamins scar was the deepest. I
needed time to heal and recover. Above all, a certain level
of uncertainty left me clueless about what I was going to
do about the job in Seattle. Is this a trick from Benjamin to
get me back up to Seattle and give him another chance? I
wasnt so sure I was ready for that.
I dragged myself inside with my hand-bag literally
dragging the floor. Hey mom, I said, while huffing and
puffing my way up the stairs.
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Well, good evening, Ms. Tamara. Youve been
gone all day, she said.
I know. Ive been running everywhere with Trina;
trying to get things straightened out for the wedding. The
girls are finally done with Saturday meetings and now
were just waiting for rehearsal.
Thats next weekend, right?
Its in a few weeks. She still has some last minute
things to do, I said, while still slowly walking upstairs.
My moms voice became faint, as I entered my
bedroom. I flopped on my bed and looked at the time.
Gosh, its 6:30PM? I whispered. I couldnt believe it.
I slid my jeans off, took my long sleeve shirt off
and threw it in my dirty clothes hamper.
Pizza tonight for dinner, my mom yelled.
I wasnt surprised. My mom never cooked dinner
for us on Friday or Saturday nights. It was as if it was her
own personal break from the kitchen. Youre on your
own, shed normally say. I was happy to hear that I didnt
have to spend any money on food tonight. I could just
relax with Lifetime movies and a few slices of pepperoni.
I stretched out on my bed- oblivious to what else
was going on in the world. I didnt care. I kept my
television off and leaned back watching my ceiling fan
spin. It was a pure moment of bliss for me. I kept thinking
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about my life. The turns and twist; beginning with a happy
although discontent life in New Orleans. Then, moving to
Seattle and living a life that I cant completely regret. I
chased success.
Chased power.
Chased love.
And was later found crying- leaning against my
wall flushing away humiliation with Chardonnay. My life
looked like it was torn to shreds; as if there was no way
back. And then, just when I thought I could not be found, a
familiar voice spoke to me. My obsession turned into one
of obedience. I wanted to do the right thing. And, if
moving back to Louisiana was going to be what I needed
to get me there, I needed to do just that. I closed my eyes
continuing to reflect, when my cell phone buzzed a
message alert. It was Kameron.
Hi Tamara. I just wanted to let you know that If
you ever feel like smiling, then call a brotha. I have been
blessed with the title of Smile Inducement Specialist so be
forewarned. Keep smiling. - Kameron.
Milliseconds later, I glanced in my mirror to see a
smile forming. He did make me smile with his cute
messages. I was shocked that he was still sending me cute
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messages on Facebook when I wouldnt even give him my
phone number. Deep inside me felt bad for not being a
better acquaintance. Although we arent best friends, by
now I should have respected him enough to give him my
number. I read his message again, with a thought in mind
to give him a call instead of writing back. As a woman in
my 30s, I should have known better than to prolong any
decent friendship that came my way. It was better for me
to lay aside the inner Grinch wearing pink stilettos and
call him. I owed him an apology.
The phone rang, and every part of my being shifted
from confidence and strength to the nervous little girl in
the ballet uniform. I looked at her again. Ugh, I thought.
Im not her anymore. The woman on the phone was far
from innocent and was a little skeptical of conversing with
Kameron- NBA player who appeared to be sweet and
gentle. Hell has no fury like a woman scorned.
Ring two.
Ring three.
Just before hanging up, he answered. Hello. I
was sure he didnt recognize the number.
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Forty-Five
Hi, Kameron? I asked, as if I didnt know I had
the right number. I needed to make sure I had the right
number, since I had to grab the napkin he originally wrote
it on. It was a little damp, so the number two could have
really been a number five.
This is he, he replied.
He really doesnt know who this is, I whispered
to myself.
Yeah, this is Tamara. I just was.
Heyyy, he interrupted. I did not expect a call
from you, is this your cell?
It is.
I was just wondering if you were going to write
me back.
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I shrugged my shoulders. Oh. I paused. I
thought it would be better to just call and stop doing this
juvenile Facebook thing.
Im glad you said that because I was close to
canceling my account. Youre the only one I message and
I didnt know if you only spoke with NBA players on
Facebook for a month, he laughed.
I laughed too. His sense of humor was really cute,
though I kept my suspicions. Why would a professional
athlete be interested in me? I wondered.
I see you trying to make me smile. That's very
sweet of you. But, if I were you I wouldn't make a habit of
trying to make me smile. These days, I appear to be the
Grinch wearing Pink Stiletto's.
Whys that? he asked. I could hear curiosity
streaming from his voice.
Its not on purpose. Just have so much drama
going on. I try to seclude myself from healthy
conversation.
Thats not healthy, he argued.
I know.
Somehow our conversation was becoming more
intense than it should have. His voice spoke of extreme
concern and I didnt want my vulnerability to begin
exposing true feelings of frustration and pain that are
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mixed with confusion. I paused for a while to hear him
continue.
Tamara, I believe I've known you for over a
month. Im sure I can empathize with your pain, if you let
me.
Empathize?
I sighed while trying to figure out why he would
want to empathize with me so badly. I never looked for
pity- just someone who would understand. But, is that
what to empathize means? I let him continue.
We all need someone who can relate to what
were going through. We are healed by peoples
testimonies. Theres something about a person who
understands that helps us feel secure that were going to
make it out too, he said.
His words were divine; literally God-sent. My eyes
closed as he continued to speak to my aching soul about
exactly what I needed- someone who could really
understand what Im going through and be there for me.
He seemed to know exactly what would help heal my
wounds. As he continued to talk, and I listened attentively,
my eyes became a faucet that slowly dripped water into
the sink.
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I understand what it's like to feel alone, I've even
went so far as to convince myself to be a loner at times
when I was being reached out to by family and friends.
You wouldnt think a person in the NBA would deal with
that, considering the thousands of people I have to connect
with during the day. But they are only colleagues.
He paused mid-sentence as if he wanted to see if I
was going to give a response. My lips couldnt part a
single word. And, inwardly I prayed he wouldnt hear my
sniffing over the phone. I wiped my eyes and waited for
his next line of thoughts, but only got air. Hes waiting for
a response. I took a deep breath and gave him one.
Yeah. I swallowed and then squeezed my pillow
tight, wishing it was a hug from him.
Tamara, I want you to know that you dont have
to carry a load alone. I'll be there helping you through the
spiritual real; praying and interceding. When the strength
God sees you have developed is enough, the weight will
lighten, hold on to that hope. I'll always be here on the
other end of an email or phone call, you are not alone.
It seemed like the end of a sermon that would be
followed up with an alter call. His words did more than
sound like sweet lullabies. They ministered to my soul.
They pierced my heart. They made me realize that the
connection that he and I shared is not coincidental.
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Say something, Tamara, he whispered to break
the silence and as if he was right there with me not
wanting to wake anyone up.
Its Tam. Call me, Tam. I smiled. No one besides
Benjamin called me Tam. And, it took him three years to
win the rights to calling me that nick-name. Kameron
deserved it. He won a special place on the respect-platter
that even Benjamin couldnt eat from. It was his sincerity,
his witty personality and his endearing charm. I didnt
know Kameron from Adam, but my spirit seemed to
connect with him and that led me to believe he could be
trusted more. If I do decide to take the position in Seattle,
Id be closer to him too. Maybe this could work out for my
good.
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Forty-Six
Once a month at my moms church, the women got
together for their fellowship luncheon. Under the direction
of First Lady Miles, the very classy and Cajun Pastors
wife, they would have worship, sharing of the word, tes-
timonies and followed by a delicious pot-luck dinner.
First Lady Miles was the most Cajun woman Id ever
seen. She was about as dark as Wesley Snipes and wore
the smallest framed eye glasses. She was a stout little
woman; very short with sandy light brown hair. When she
spoke, she always looked down at your toes, as if she was
scoping out every detail about your shoes. If you had ashy
toes, I felt bad for you. She probably would break out a
bottle of Lubriderm and discretely ask you to take the
crust off. She was the most oiled up woman I had ever
met. Her toenails always had a fresh coat of paint on them.
Her finger nails were long and colorful. And when she
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spoke, the two gold teeth right at the front of her mouth
was nothing compared to the Good Mernin that came
from her mouth. She was a hoot.
I normally would have loved to go, but because of
my previous lifestyle and hidden struggles, I tried to avoid
it as much as possible. Being around women who I was
sure would point their little snobby noses at me was a
complete turn off. Every time I stepped foot in a church, I
was immediately reminded of my short-comings. It was as
if the Pastor knew exactly what my lifestyle was in Seat-
tle. I dreaded going, but as a favor to my mom, decided it
was a good idea. I anticipated the church mothers voicing
their concerns about my absence from church. The entire
summer, I stayed away from church and would only peak
my head in occasionally as a spectator. It wasnt that I
didnt have a relationship with God, because I did. It just
took a while for me to feel comfortable enough to sit there
without worrying about being judged. Church folk can be
the messiest people out there.
I walked into Calvary Worship Center, hoping to
receive a word from God. I looked at the walls, as I tried
to keep an occupied focus. Better to stare at the walls than
to look into the eyes of people who I knew were watching
me. First Lady Miles caught my late entrance and greeted
me.
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Well, Hey Miss Tamara, she said while looking
down. I haven't seen you in a while. I smiled- glad I
was wearing chocolate boots and not open toe sandals.
Shed have a fit at my ashy feet. So glad its fall.
First Lady Miles, it's great to see you too, I said,
while trying to avoid eye contact.
Um hm. I'm so glad you've decided to come here
tonight. I was thinking about you the other day.
Really? I asked, though not really looking for a
response. Well, yes, I've decided to come on out tonight
and fellowship with the ladies. My voice spoke in a
church-like tone.
I smiled a friendly smile, although I was really
hoping to get to my seat and out of the side aisle. My eye
caught Trina sitting on the side and I waved, hoping she
would see me and come rescue me from interrogation.
Hey, Trina! I said with an elevated tone.
She waved.
Excuse me I said politely.
I couldnt get to Trina fast enough. I sat quietly,
holding my handbag tightly as if I feared letting it go.
Nothing illegal was inside. I just was a little uncomfort-
able. And then, the psalmist walked up to sing. Kierra
Bernard- the singer in the church who was most likely the
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one who would turn into a professional singer because of
her God-given talent- walked up to the podium.
Kierra wasnt just a singer; she could sang in my
book. She was a cute petite teenage girl, with big curly
hair and a bright smile. I scooted up in my seat, anxious to
hear what song she was going to belt out this evening.
Shes a cute little thing with a humongous voice.
Good evening, Kierra said, as she grabbed the
microphone to get it situated. Suddenly a loud shrieking
noise from the speaker pierced her ears. She covered them
with her hands and stepped back.
The devil is a liar, one lady shouted.
I looked around to see if anyone was going to fix
this bug of an issue. The feedback in the microphone was
a little too much, so First Lady Miles turned around in her
seat- she sat on the front pew- and signaled to the sound
technician to turn her down a bit. Kierra didnt need that
much volume considering her stronger than average voice.
She started fondling with the microphone cord, which
showed obvious signs of nervousness. Tonight, Im going
to sing one of my favorite songs by Gospel music record-
ing artist, Yolanda Adams; Open My Heart.
I smiled widely, closed my eyes and waited for the
first note.
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Alone in a room...It's just me and you...I feel so
lost...but I don't know what to do, she sang.
I swayed along with the music, but stopped when
the truthfulness to the words began to pierce my heart. The
smile left my face and a blank one took its place. This par-
ticular song made me begin to reflect on where I am today.
Feeling a little lost, and not sure about what I was going to
do. As she sang, my thoughts over powered her music.
The words jumped out in the air and began hovering over
my head.
So I know I need to talk to you. And ask you for
your guidance. Especially today when my life is so
cloudy Kierra sang.
Amen, I whispered and sighed.
So, show me how...to do things your way don't
let me make the same mistakes, over and over again.
Yes, I said a little louder than a whisper. I started
swaying again in my seat, letting the gentle music minister
to my soul. A tear fell down my cheeks, even after I tried
not to let it go. I tried to wipe it away fast, but suddenly
felt the urge to not care about what anyone thought. This
song was touching my heart.
I looked to the left and grabbed a box of Kleenex
that was given to me. Thanks, I smiled and said.
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Hey girl, are you alright? Trina asked. I knew it
was any moment before Trina asked. I could tell she knew
where my tears were coming from. She was the only one
who could understand, beside my new sincere friend,
Kameron.
I shook my head yes and smiled again. That song
was just my real prayer you know that, I leaned over to
Trina and said.
Im glad you came, Trina said.
Thanks girl, me too. I blew my nose. Needed
this.
Kierra walked back to her seat and the audience of
women clapped loudly for her. Encore, I wanted to shout.
She could have sang that one again just for me.
Me too. You know Mother Williams wasn't going
to have it any other way.
First Lady Miles walked up to the podium with her
bible to begin the message.
Alright ladies. Let's pull our chairs together in a
circle and have what some call girl talk, she said. She
moved her hands in way to signify to us the need to pull
our chairs together.
Tonight we are talking about something most of
us are familiar with and others of us are beginning to un-
derstand; men! she said. More specifically, we will be
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discussing searching for men and whether or not that is
something we as women who belong to God should do.
Hmm, I moaned. I sank in my seat and looked
around at the other younger ladies who were there. I
wasnt the youngest one in there. Kierra looked like the
youngest young lady in the room. Maybe this message was
meant for her, I thought. A woman with my experience al-
ready knows enough about men.
Girl, I think the Holy Spirit has something to say
to you, Trina nudged my shoulder and said.
I half smiled at her and looked back at First Lady
Miles as she continued.
Tonight we are going to talk about men, love and
marriage. Turn your bibles to Song of Solomon 8:4. And it
reads,Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not
arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
I swallowed and sank deeper in my seat. I almost
broke into a cold sweat.
First Lady Continued.
This scripture can have multiple meanings, she
added. But, what do you all think it means to leave that
type of love alone until it so desires? she asked, while
pointing the microphone in the direction of the crowd.
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Well, I think it means to stop trying to find a man.
Lord knows it doesn't work out if you try anyway, said a
sister in the congregation.
I think the same thing, except, I also think it is a
charge or a warning for the daughters of Jerusalem to wait
on God because He's the only one who really knows when
you are ready for love? Trina said.
Instantly, my mind drifted toward Kameron, a
sweet and gentle friend slash NBA player and then Ben-
jamin my nemesis. For a brief moment, I was at a fork in
the road between Benjamins tempting offer with the NSA
and Kamerons friendship that appeared to be moving me
in another direction toward something Ive always wanted.
The best of both worlds suddenly seemed possible, though
not probable. Have I already tried to awaken love on my
own terms with Benjamin- only to come crashing down?
Is it love at all with Kameron? I crossed my legs in my
seat, as my thoughts began to overwhelm me. I took out a
piece of gum to calm my nerves.
Trina, youre exactly right, First Lady Miles
added. How many single women in here think they know
exactly what it means to wait? she asked. The dictionary
defines to wait as to remain inactive or in a state of repose,
as until something expected happens. It also means to be
available or in readiness. One definition means to look
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forward to eagerly and to continue as one is in expectation
of.
Preach, one woman shouted, while looking at
her teenage daughter who couldnt have been more than
fifteen years old.
This simply means that God wants us to remain in
active in the pursuit of this type of love because he is the
only one who knows exactly when you are ready for it.
This type of love desires to be awakened when it's ready,
First Lady explained. So tell me, what do you think
would happen if you tried to awaken love before its
ready? she asked.
Im experiencing that right now, I thought to my-
self.
Heart ache, disappointment, a set up for failure;
temptation, Trina said.
Yeah, I sighed out loud.
With one finger pointed up, I eased my way out of
the church building. Another woman was taking a smoke
break. I didnt smoke, but I did need to breathe- and the
kind of breath I needed to take in was not one that con-
sisted of cigarette smoke. Ugh! I coughed. I walked to the
sidewalk and looked up at the stars.
Hey, are you doing alright? Trina crept upon me
and asked.
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I sighed.
I'm just trying to let go of the past and move for-
ward with my life, I explained. It's not very easy consid-
ering all of the drama and all. You know, it's really funny
because as soon as I begin to think that I am getting
somewhere with life, somehow I am reminded of my past
and it's so much harder to just let it go; especially when in
the service, the very subject is almost all about you.
If anyone understands how you feel, its me, she
protested.
Yeah, but your wedding is around the corner.
I wasnt always engaged.
I could hear violins begin to play. I rolled my eyes,
preparing to hear some kind of I-understand-how-you-feel
speech.
I know it's tough, but God has a plan for you. You
know how hard it was for me girl. I prayed hard and
waited on the Lord to send Walter. Just remain obedient,
delight yourself in him, continue to seek him and he will
give you the desires of your heart.
Look at how old I am though. Im not getting any
younger, I added.
Sure you arent. But God knows this already, so
just trust him.
I sighed and looked away.
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346
Trust me, she continued. Try not to worry so
much about things. Remember the scripture that you claim
as your motto.
True, I said.
I sighed, digesting all of the wisdom Trina decided
to share with me. Trinas words were helpful, and I com-
pletely understood where she was coming from. She has
been through her own trials before meeting Walter. Her
words were water for my thirsty soul.
Thanks for coming out and talking to me, Trina. I
just hope everyone isn't wondering about me. I was so
embarrassed- tip-toeing out and all, I said.
Girl, who cares. It was meant for us to be stand-
ing right here to have this very conversation. God knew
exactly what you needed to hear when you needed to hear
it. Just mark my words Tamara, sometime after you are
married we will come back and reflect on this very con-
versation and just Praise God at how faithful he is to us.
And let the church say I sang, while waving
one hand in the air.
Amen, Trina answered.
We hugged and walked back inside to eat some
food. I hope they didnt eat it all because church ladies
sure can eat.
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347
Forty-Seven
Are you sure youre going to make it here in
time? Trina asked nervously. She pulled up to Louis
Armstrong International Airport and sat for a minute be-
fore unlocking the door. Im serious Tamara, if youre
late, I wont forgive you. She half-smiled and looked
stone serious at the same time.
Dont worry, I signed. Ill be back on time for
your bachelorette party. Weve been planning it since we
were little girls, remember?
While standing outside of her car window, I
smiled; hoping to give her some sense of assurance. She
was very nervous about my decision to fly to Seattle to
meet up with Benjamins friend with the NSA. But, I was
sure that it was better for me to at least get there as soon as
possible to check out the details.
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348
I grabbed my one small suit case and pulled the
handle up so it can roll. I hugged Trina and walked off.
Ill call you when I make it to Seattle. I waved.
Be safe, she shouted. And tell Benny-boy hello
for me.
I could hear her laughing as I kept walking off. She
couldnt help teasing me before I stepped on the plane to
see him again.
The airport reeked of a musty leather suitcase
smell. I pinched my nose after I entered in. Ugh, I sighed.
I slid through the check out rather quickly and kept my
carryon bag with me. After I found a seat, I took out my
iPod and scrolled through games to keep my mind off of
where I was. I began to quiver with slight anxiety and my
trembling legs were evidence.
Another visit to the airport for a potential job left
me with feelings of trepidation. I couldnt believe I was
going to be back in Seattle so quickly. Was this really what
God wanted for me; only a summer to regroup and refo-
cus? Or, am I taking a few steps ahead of him? I wasnt so
sure, but thought Id at least try and see what this job was
about. The bigger question that stalked my mind was if I
could trust Benjamin again. Time during this trip back to
Emerald City, was going to tell.
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349
It was windy- Chicago-like windy- and I was not
prepared for that. I had a coat, but my hair was flying all
over the place outside. I hate this weather. I stood to the
side watching yellow taxis come and go; waiting for Ben-
jamin to come pick me up. I shook my head in frustration
at myself for falling for his typicalness. He had a track re-
cord of giving me the cold shoulder with things. Never
called me back when he said he would. Never came to
anything on time. I should have just gotten a cab. The
beauty of flying without renting a car, I thought sarcasti-
cally.
I stood by waiting for his black Camero to come
swinging around the corner when my phone buzzed. It
was Kameron.
Kameron! How are you? I answered.
Hey Tamara. I'm chillin' as we say, he replied. I
see you must have made it to Seattle?
Oh man, I forgot to... Totally forgot to call.
Dont worry. Im sure youre just getting there. I
checked the flight status to make sure your plane landed.
Now, I can get back to practice, he said.
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350
He spoke with sincere concern. I could hear it
strongly. It made me smile and remember how genuine he
is about my well-being. As I stood there waiting for Ben-
jamin to come get me, I paused to imagine Kameron being
some kind of angel sent to encourage me. He seemed to be
the exact opposite of Benjamin- not selfish, greedy or
forceful. Instead, he was sweet, endearing and gentle.
Thanks Kameron, I blushed. Ill let you get on
to practice. Talk with you later? I asked, anticipating his
response. I had to catch myself from sounding like a teen-
age girl who had a crush on a pro athlete. I giggled way
too much.
I hope so, he answered with a flirtatious tone to
his voice.
Just as I was putting my phone back in my purse,
Benjamin pulled up. He raced out of the car, grabbed my
bag and opened the passenger door. Through my dark-
tinted sun glasses, I looked at him cross-eyed and sat
down.
Sorry Tamtraffic, you know how it is, he said,
while hopping in the car.
I folded my arms and glanced out of the window-
having ignored every bit of excuse Benjamin threw my
way.
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351
He signaled one moment and answered his cell
phone that suddenly rang. While he was talking, I couldnt
help but to pry in his conversation. He spoke discretely,
but I did hear the words she and her tossed in there. I
automatically assumed he was talking to James. After five
minutes, he hung up and smiled. His smile said something
loudly, but I raised my eyebrows in curiosity; completely
unaware of what signal he was trying to throw at me.
So, who was that? I asked suspiciously.
That was James. He wants to meet with you to-
morrow morning...about 8AM in his home office.
Home office? I frowned. Isnt it more profes-
sional to meet at the actual office where Ill work, if I
dont decide against it?
He smirked and laughed, while stopping at a red
light. His laugh was close to devious and made me nerv-
ous.
Just wait, he said.
I couldnt put my finger on what he could possibly
be so sneaky about.
My hotel is to the left, I said, after I pointed to
the big Embassy Suits sign.
Are you sure you dont want to stay with my
mom? he asked. I mean, the Embassy Suits, Tam? He
voice wreaked of sympathy for my hotel choice.
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352
Look, its all I could-
Im telling you, he interrupted. My mom would
love it if you stayed with her.
With Carolyn? I sighed. Im not so sure about
that. It has been a while since we kept in touch, besides
occasional emails. I felt bad about that. How is she?
Really good... living off of her retirement, enjoy-
ing no responsibility.
I miss her.
We miss you, he said, with strong emphasis on
we.
Look Benjamin, I plan on seeing Carolyn, but this
is a business trip and Im here for no other reason, I ex-
plained. I had to half-lie because I was really hoping to
steal time away for Kameron. He planned to drive here
from Portland for a day. Of course Benjamin didnt need
to know that.
He pulled up to the curb in front of Embassy Suits
and parked.
So, should I be here at 7AM so we can have
breakfast, he asked with a glare in his eyes. I wasnt so
sure why.
7AM is kind of early, dont you think?
Hell have breakfast prepared there, Im
sure...and 7AM is not so bad.
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353
It is if you want a happy Tamara to be ready to
talk.
Relax girl, I forgot how youre not a morning per-
son.
Exactly. Ill need a wake up call, I said, hating to
admit that truth. Early mornings were always a drag for
me, and he smirked as if he remembered quite well the
many times I let him stay nights over at my place when we
dated.
I can do that. Will you need anything tonight? I
can stay if you want- to make sure youre okay, he
laughed.
Dont flatter yourself, I rolled my eyes and said.
But, thanks for picking me up. See you at 7AM.
I got out of the car, closed the door and walked
into the hotel to check in. Embassy Suits was not my first
choice for my hotel, but it was the only place that was fur-
ther enough for me to feel like I had space between Ben-
jamin and I. He lived on the other side of town.
Checking in? the hotel clerk asked. She had
bright eyes.
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354
Yes, please. I took my license out of my purse
and stood by watching as she clicked the keys on her
computer. I put a piece of gum in my mouth, closed my
eyes and allowed it to alleviate my worries about being
back in Seattle.
Ms. Thompson, heres your room key. Need a
wake up call for morning? she asked.
No thank you, I smiled and said. I then grabbed
my belongings. Wait just a second, she yelled. Wasnt
sure why she suddenly stopped me from leaving. She
picked up her phone and asked Is Ms. Thompsons room
ready? Oh, okay. Great. Shes on her way.
Your room is ready. Enjoy your stay at Embassy
Suits. Dinner at the restaurant is at 7PM.
Yeah, thanks.
I was dry.
Very.
And she was smiling widely like she was having a
great day. I hoped she wasnt disappointed in how tire-
some I was.
I went straight to my room. I was exhausted. Not
from the flight, or from the drive, but mentally drained. It
was effecting my ability to think clearly. Why in the world
did I allow myself to be up here in Seattle again. This was
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starting to seem like a terrible idea. And I wasnt sure if I
should pinpoint it as conviction or just anxiety.
I stood at my door, fumbling with my purse and
bag, and after several attempts with my card key, I finally
made it inside. The lights were off, so I slid my hand
across the wall to find the light switch. And it was cold.
No heat was on, and Im naturally cold-blooded. So, I
needed the heat. I walked further inside and my mouth hit
the floor in surprise.
A bottle of champagne. A silver cart with a lunch
tray that smelled delectable. Two dozen roses sitting in a
crystal vase. On the bed, red and white rose pedals lied
still as if they were waiting for me to swim in them. One
candle was lit with a black velvet box resting beside it. A
note, stuck to the side of the box. It was small. I grabbed
the note first. Who in the world would...? And then there
was a card with my name written on the front.
To Tamara. Praying Gods best for you.
Enjoy Seattle, sweetheart.
Kameron

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356
Forty-Eight
Without an ounce of hesitation, I dialed Kamerons
number. Kameron...Thank Y-
He interrupted me right as I was saying thank you.
Just thought Id make you smile, he interrupted. Be-
sides, I know being in Seattle cant be too much fun- con-
sidering the idea of leaving your past behind you and all,
he continued. He was right. I wasnt so sure about this trip,
but I did know I wanted to find out all I could about this
possible job. My friends and family encouraged me to test
the waters, and so I did.
You certainly know how to make an uncomfort-
able situation easy, I smiled and said.
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357
Im glad it at least left you with a smile. Would be
even better if I was there with one rose in my hand waiting
for you, right? he laughed.
That would have really been too much- besides-
thats crossing the romance borderline and I wouldnt want
to tempt you.
Oh, so you dont trust me, by now? he asked.
Its not you that I dont trust, its me. I smiled
and flopped on the bed, tossing rose pedals in the air. I
kicked my shoes off and closed my eyes. The bottle of
champagne suddenly looked tempting.
Were all human...but I see Ive got a feisty one
on my hands. I could hear him blushing through the
phone line. It made me blush even more. As vulnerable as
I was feeling, if he was there, I probably would have to
rebuke my flesh. Its a good thing hes a couple hours
away. Not that I wasnt tempted to make that drive at that
very moment because I was. I immediately pictured his
athletic stallion self near me- massaging my back and
holding me close. Lord, these impure thoughts have got to
go.
There was an awkward pause.
So... I said to break it.
So, how was your womens meeting? You never
told me what you ladies discussed.
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358
He was nosey. But he said just the right thing to
take our conversation to more appropriate level. Even
though his voice was still mesmerizing. It was what I
needed because my mind was starting to drift.
Now, I can't tell you that because it was a
women's meeting; key word being WOMAN, I giggled.
Well, excuse me Ms. Sassy Tamara, he said. If I
could see his eyes, they probably would have been warm,
inviting and gentle. The tone of his voice was much more
relaxed and familiar. Reminded me of the beginning of
my relationship with Benjamin. Loving and we couldnt
stop giggling in infatuation; and later love. He continued,
I'm glad you had a great time though.
It was definitely needed I can honestly say that.
And I meant that. That night, very profound wisdom was
thrown at me. And, I decided to do more than listen. It was
confirmation to me on many levels.
We talked about love and how its better to not
awaken it if its not the proper time, I added.
So enlighten me. How do you know love is ready
to be awakened? he asked. Great question, I thought. The
light jokes in our conversation ended and our talk quickly
became serious. It was as if he was waiting for my answer.
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359
Im still trying to figure that one out. Ive never
been one that was good with relationships- hence my Ben-
jamin drama.
Do you still love him? He asked.
How dare he?
Not the way I used to.
Im sure. You two were in a relationship for a few
years, right?
The longest five years of my life.
And he didnt marry you?
He was too busy sleeping with my best friend
Angela.
Tamara, I didnt know, he sighed and said.
Im so over that. He just tried to get back with me
again after I left Seattle before summer. I told him I
couldnt anymore. I dont really do the three strikes and
your out thing.
So, he cheated more than once?
The concern in his voice grew so strong, I knew if
he was here he would have shown some type of affection.
I swallowed at the very recollection of Benjamin
and Angela. The hair on the back of my neck stood up.
Twice, I answered. Another awkward silence settled in
our conversation.
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360
I really hate hearing that sweet women endure
such terrible ignorance from men who cant appreciate the
beauty of femininity. Youre such delicate people. Gentle.
Umph, I thought and threw my head back surprised
at his perfect response.
Well, thats sweet of you to say. I said with a
slight attitude, knowing that Benjamin turned me into a
selfish Cruella. I dont think Im very delicate anymore..
he turned me into Cruella Deville. I laughed.
I know what you mean, he laughed.
We both laughed on the phone for over a minute. I
wasnt sure what he was laughing at, but I do remember
being a little bit of a tough cookie with him when we went
out.
Thats funny, he added. But, seriously, Ill
never forget seeing the tear roll down your cheek at Cope-
lands. It broke my heart.
You saw that.
Yeah. I didnt want to bother you about it. But I
could tell there was a reason behind it, he said. Our con-
versation started to get so deep it made me hungry. Noth-
ing like a good lunch to help distract me. I walked to the
tray and peaked underneath to silver top- only to find a
delicious-looking t-bone steak, mashed potatoes with as-
paragus on the side.
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361
Hey, this is quite a lunch, huh? I laughed, teasing
him about his choice of lunch entree for me. A turkey
sandwich would have done just fine.
Ruths Chris is on the bottom level of the hotel,
right? he asked.
You must have been here before. I cut a nice
piece of the steak and shook my head. Um Um Um
A time or two, he replied.
Well this is perfect, thank you.
I know being up there with him isnt very easy.
He sounded sympathetically. I smiled- appreciating his
concern and support of my decision. Most men probably
would have flown the coup by now, assuming Benjamin
and I are getting back together.
Its not easy, I slowly said. I sat up in the bed and
decided to walk by the widow to open the curtains. My
room was on the third floor- just high enough for me to get
a spectacular view of the sunset over the distant moun-
tains. But, Im over things. He had his chance and blew
it. So, this trip is all business related- nothing more.
Good, because Tamara, I've been wanting to tell
you something for a little while now and I've been holding
it back trying not to move too far ahead of myself.
Okay...?
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362
Ill just wait until I see you after your interview.
Is that okay? He asked.
Of course...want to try to meet up Saturday? Ill
be in Seattle for a week and then back to New Orleans by
Friday morning, in time for my girl Trinas wedding.
Ill bet you will look stunning, he said.
Well, Im not the bride, I sighed.
Not yet.
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363
Forty-Nine
Nice to meet you, I extended my arm for a hand
shake.The pleasure is all mine, Tamara. Benjamin told
me great things about you.
I sighed and looked at Benjamin who was standing
there smiling. He pulled my chair out from the table and
gestured me to have a seat. You know, Tam, James is a
good friend of mine for years. We were at boot camp to-
gether.
I shook my head impressed as I stared at Jamess
big physique as he ate. He was buff. His muscles peaked
through his shirt, and he was wearing a long sleeve dressy
top. His ivy league cut was proof enough of how militant
he was. His home was sparking clean- he even ate in a
clean way. Not a crumb fell from his croissant.
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364
Im assuming youre interested in hearing a little
bit about the NSA and what I do, right? He asked, look-
ing my way. I took a sip of orange juice that sat in front of
me.
Yes, actually. Why the NSA? I asked.
After I left the Marine Corp in 99, I ran across a
few recruiters with the NSA. I checked them out and de-
cided to go for Intelligence Analyst . I was an analyst for
the Marines. So, naturally it was my first choice. I guess
experience helped, but Ive been doing this steadily for
over 10 years.
Impressive, I smiled and said. He looked like he
knew what he was talking about. I leaned back and looked
around the house at the beautiful drapes that fell against
his windows. They were chocolate outlined in baby-blue.
He was very contemporary.
Ive been looking for an assistant for a while
now, he continued. The recruitment office sent interest-
ing people my way, and most of them I couldnt get pass
the initial stage of interviewing. So, Ive decided to take
matters in my own hands.
Didnt know you could do that, I said.
Benjamin laughed and looked at James. They both
had a certain look about them, as if they knew something
I didnt know.
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365
Sweetheart, James just has it like that, trust me.
I looked at him like dont call me sweetheart
again, and said, Oh really?
James cleared his throat and pointed at a nearby
wall that had a lot of prestigious awards and plaques sit-
ting on it.
Alright, so lets cut down this small talk and get
right to the nitty gritty, he said with a serious tone to his
voice. This is what Ill need from an assistant.
Im going to give you and Tamara a minute,
Benjamin said. Excuse me. He gently pressed my
shoulder and walked into another room.
There were serious stares coupled with laughs.
James seemed to be professional with a sense of humor;
very personable.
After we ate breakfast and his maid, an attractive
french housekeeper named Claire, cleared our table, I lis-
tened to him rant on about his accomplishments and why
he was qualified for his current position. My mind drifted
to wondering if he was secretly sleeping with Claire. I
wasnt easily impressed with people, but he impressed me.
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366
My biggest question was whether or not I could work with
him- although working under him did not sound as entic-
ing to me. Someone can be a pain in the rear as a boss, and
I could be okay with that. But, a bad partner, was a differ-
ent story.
He continued to explain what my position would
be; making sure I was aware that we would be working as
a team, he and I. Sure, I thought. A team? When I looked
around and saw what looked like twenty plaques resting
on his wall, I could hardly imagine us as partners. This
aint a good-cop bad-cop thing. He would gather intelli-
gence information and then trust me enough to help him
analyze it. Why did he need a partner anyway? The plus
side is how this would get me out of New Orleans and
back on the track to independent success. I closed my eyes
to imagine an average day at his office- his home office
that looked more like a contemporary palace. His house-
keeper continued clearing our table and he asked me if I
wanted to get up and take a walk through his garden.
The afternoon sun was blazing and all that sizzled
in my mind was the thought of seeing Kameron soon. I
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367
tried to focus by asking questions about my position. I had
to make sure I wasnt going to be his coffee girl.
So, what type of information do you analyze? I
asked. Classified?
He walked around a table, sliding his open hand
across it- almost as if he was checking for dust. Yes.
Classified, but if you decide to take the job, Id be able to
share it with you.
So, I know its not CIA type classified, is it?
Maybe, maybe not, he said, after he hunched his
shoulders.
Well, if Im not mistaken, matters of National Se-
curity do involve making sure terrorism attacks are at a
minimill, right?
Yes. And we get all sorts of cases. So, its a very
important job- analyzing the data we receive.
I looked around his home, trying to figure out why
he was working on his own in his big house.
And so, you do that important work, here? I
asked. If any type of information about his home office
was leaked, he could jeopardize his life and his family,
although I didnt see any proof that he actually had a wife
and children. There were no pictures. No kindergarten
painted portraits sticking on his refrigerator. No popsicle
sticks. He was a bachelor, I assumed.
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368
Yes I do. This house has been designed so that its
constantly under surveillance. And I report to someone
just like you would report to me.
Do you have children, I asked, while walking
past a gorgeous red rose bush. Looks like a woman tended
to his garden. I was sure its Claire.
Yes. I have a son named Patrick who lives with
his mother in Virginia.
Divorced? I asked, curiously.
No. Never married. She didnt like what I wanted
to do and thought it was too dangerous for Patrick. So, we
decided it was best that she lived near her family in Vir-
ginia.
Oh, so youre one of those guys? I laughed,
while looking sideways. We were the perfect match.
He laughed too, catching my sense of humor and
veering away from the question.
Im serious about my career- about protecting my
country from terrorist. And, Im looking for someone
whos as serious as I am, he said while stopping at his
gazebo that sat at the end of his rose garden. He stared at
me as if he was looking for a response. I paused and
looked far out into the distant meadow that was in his
huge acres of land.
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369
Tamara, are you that serious? he asked me with a
stern look on his face. The place we stopped seemed per-
fect for a nontraditional wedding ceremony. A distant sun-
set would have made that scene hypnotizing.
He had no idea how I made a similar decision a
few years ago where I had to choose between raising a
child and having a career. My eyes glanced between his
eyes and the beautiful mountains that sat behind him. I
looked back at his house- at how big it was. I felt comfort-
able inside. Very. And the job was tempting. But I would
have had to make a decision. Did I want to accept this
promising offer for both an exciting and terrifying career?
What about Kameron?
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Fifty
Ill be pulling up to Embassy Suits in about five
minutes, Kameron said. His voice couldnt sound more
exciting. I stood in the lobby, wearing a mid-length black
dress with a black wrap that was gently hugging my
shoulders. I decided to take my glasses off that night and
wear contacts- making it an even more special occasion. If
my glasses were not on, it meant I didnt want to hide be-
hind my them. I felt like Cinderella, although my dress
was black. And at any moment, my horse carriage was go-
ing to pull up with Prince Charming stepping out. I held
my black clutch tightly, shivering a little from the night
air. I wasnt sure where we were going for dinner, but I
was hoping somewhere elegant and not Cats Lounge
again. Id never forget that frightening experience.
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He pulled up to the hotel in a black Jaguar. It was
smooth, but when he stepped out he was smoother. The
black suit he was wearing did nothing less than comple-
ment him. He looked like a black James Bond.
Wow, Kameron said, with a shaky voice. You
have to excuse me. You are absolutely breath-taking.
Thank You, Kameron. I said, trembling while
extending my arms out to hug him. You look amazing
yourself.
We stood there for about five minutes hugging
each other; touching each other's faces and arms just to
make sure we weren't dreaming. I couldnt let him go. I
exhaled in relief because not only did we have the spiri-
tual, mental and emotional attraction; but also the physical
attraction in person as well. Communicating from New
Orleans to Portland, or where ever he was when he trav-
eled with his team, was becoming hard. He was the best
friend to me, but I felt we were becoming more attached
and I wasnt so sure why. I breathed his name all day.
So, shall we, he said, while grabbing my hand
and opening the passenger door to his car.
Yes, I answered.
The whole ride to our restaurant, I was shivering. It
was toasty in his car, but I was way too nervous to just sit
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still and act like I was a normal person. I dont normally
ride next to an incredible man and I dont normally ride in
a Jaguar. This night was special.
Mind if I ask where were going? I asked. Or, is
it a surprise? I would not have been surprised if he said it
was a surprise. I was growing tired of those. I just needed
to know where we were going so I could mentally prepare.
Sure. Were going to Cats Lounge, he laughed.
I heard its great. Didnt you have an awesome experi-
ence there? He laughed some more. And I didnt think it
was that funny. I threw up in my mouth a little at the idea
of eating there again and then I laughed thinking about
Shoney and the Purple Pinstriped suit.
I know you didnt, I said.
There goes that New Orleans coming out of you,
he said. He smiled and I melted. I loved his smile. It was
the best way to get me quiet. I was afraid that if we got
into a disagreement, I wouldnt be able to be seriously up-
set with him- his smile was that beautiful.
Uh oh. Youve got jokes. I see we have a regular
Bill Cosby on our hands up in here, I said. I giggled like
a teenage girl. He was too cute.
He grabbed the hand that was open in my lap.
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Do you trust me? he asked. His face looked
about identical to Leonardo DiCaprios face in Titanic
when he asked Kate Winslet the same question.
I shook my head yes.
Great, because were here.
He pulled into a beautiful park with a breathtaking
view of downtown Seattle. It was chilly, but it made for
the most incredible romantic spot Ive ever encountered.
My eyes watered. Candles were lit on a beautiful two
seated round table and violinist played soft melodies in
chairs beside the table. As we walked near the table, he
took his jacket off and placed it on my shoulders. I sud-
denly felt warmer. He pulled my chair out and I sat down.
Overwhelmed by the incredible view of the city and the
stars that hung above it, I quickly tried to catch my breath.
And he looked sincere. Sweet. Endearing. As if he wasnt
really looking for a response.
Kameron, you shouldnt have, I said. It was all
that could come out of my mouth.
What do you mean? he frowned his eyebrows
and said.
I mean, this is the type of thing you do for a spe-
cial person. I mean, like someone youre in a committed
relationship with. Was he trying to ask me if we could be
a committed couple tonight? Would he have a sheet of pa-
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per with the words yes or no on them? A nervous expres-
sion grew on my face and he could tell even more with my
eyes being completely bare of glasses.
You are special to me, Tam, he argued. Why
dont you think you are special?
Because, Im someone you just met.
Its been a while...
But this is too much...
To you
And what does this mean to you?
He sighed.
It was an idea I had for a beautiful lady who de-
serves it. No strings attached... no hidden motives. Scouts
honor. He smiled widely and put up two fingers to signal
his scouts honor. How could I resist those big brown eyes
and perfect cheek bones that delivered a perfect smile?
Just close your eyes sit back and enjoy... just let tonight
happen freely.
Instantly, I melted in my seat. I wondered if I be-
came a bowl of putty. I took his advice and closed my
eyes. And what flashed before my eyes completely puz-
zled and frightened me. I saw Kameron, standing tall hold-
ing one rose in his hand. And then I saw Benjamin stand-
ing by holding one too. They both looked good. But why
would my mind suddenly begin to form a comparison be-
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tween the two. Kameron, the sweet gentle giant and Ben-
jamin, an excruciating part of my history who hurt me.
Would I really fall for his ways again? I quickly opened
my eyes to escape the though and found Kameron stand-
ing beside my chair pouring a drink into my wine glass.
Are you okay? he asked, as if he could read my
thoughts.
Yes.
Good. I just thought, wed sit for a little while and
talk. This was better than a crowded restaurant. All the
noise sort of ruins quiet time.
We could have talked in my hotel room, I said
with flirting eyes.
He blushed.
I wanted something more appropriate, he said.
He looked at me with flirting eyes, although his eyes were
safe as if he wouldnt have tried to invite himself in after
dinner. I immediately thought to test that theory. Nah.
Thats impressive, I said. Taking his jacket from
around my shoulders and my wrap from around them. He
looked at my cold shoulders like he ached for them to be
warm.
Why dont you keep my jacket there so you dont
catch a cold, he said. Cant have you sick for Trinas
wedding.
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He stood up to put the jacket back across my
shoulders. While he was standing behind me, he slid the
jacket back down a little and began massaging my shoul-
ders. I could feel him staring at the little part of bare skin.
I froze and closed my eyes again as he gently touched me.
I was a bowl of putty again. His hands were big and warm.
He had athletes hands. My heart began to race and by his
slow massages I could tell he was fighting back his fleshly
feelings as well. I guess he was unable to hold back his
urge to kiss me because behind the small of my neck, I felt
his warm breath. I began to tremble. He grabbed my
shoulders firmly and then put his jacket on the table.
Come dance with me, he whispered. If my knees werent
so weak, I would. I looked at the harpist and violinist who
began to play a beautiful harmonic piece. Dance? I had
slight hesitation about dancing. I wasnt sure how he was
going to slow dance with a person who could not dance to
a kids beat. And it didnt help that he was almost 7ft tall. I
wasnt nearly as tall as him.
Kameron, I...
Shhh he said and grabbed my hand to help me
out of my chair.
And, right in the middle of the night, under the full
moon and a billion stars, we danced on a dance floor made
of rose petals. The night was perfect. I rested my head on
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his chest- barely reaching that height. And, closed my eyes
comfortably. He held me close, slowly massaging my back
with his fingertips and gently touching the small of my
waist.
Tamara, thanks for coming here with me tonight,
he said to break the silence.
I wanted to say your welcome, but my lips couldnt
part. I smiled and shook my head yes.
You know, Ive been praying for you.
Praying? For me? I said. I had to say that. I
never heard a guy say he had done that for me.
Yes, praying. You have been on my mind and
heart lately. Ive been thanking God for bringing you out
of such a tough time in your life and saving you. God and
I have been doing a lot of talking about you, he said. He
smiled and looked down in my eyes as I looked up in his.
Well.... thank you, I said. What have you and
God been saying about me?
I was doing most of the talking, he said with a
smile. I just told him how I met this amazing woman- he
knew you- and that I think Im falling in love with her.
I stopped dancing and looked up.
But, that shes also a little stubborn, he contin-
ued and laughed.
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Oh, very funny, I said. I half-laughed and looked
to the side.
But also that she is the most beautiful woman Ive
ever known...in every way. And that I never want to see
her cry, unless it was tears of love or passion.
Tears of passion? I kept becoming that slimy putty
again. I felt water filling in my eyes. And with both hands,
he smoothly stroked the curve of my face. I had no choice
but to look in his eyes.
Kameron, you mean that?
Tam, my world is better because you now exist in
it. I even score higher points in a game after Ive spoken
with you. I would have written yes or no on a white sheet
of paper and given it to you, but I didnt have a pen.
His look shifted to a serious one.
Wait a second, I said. I walked over to our table
and opened my purse. I walked back over to where he was
standing and held a pen up to him. Here you go, I
smiled and said.
He chuckled.
So, can we be more than friends? he asked.
What does this tell you?
With what felt like my last breath, I tiptoed up and
kissed him.
Come to my room, I whispered.
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For a moment, I felt evil- like Eve who was tempt-
ing Adam to do something she knew was detrimental to
her well being. And, his look said no, but his body quickly
said yes. He held my waist tighter and kissed me again,
before taking my hand and leading me to the car.
What am I getting myself in to?
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Fifty-One
The lights were off and we stood within five inches
of each other. I dropped my keycard and purse. His hands
moved up my arms to my shoulders. My eyes closed and
all I could focus on was the warmth of his hands. He
moved my wrap so that it could slide across my shoulders
and fall beneath me. I stood back staring in his eyes, even
though my heart beat was rapid. He breathed heavily, as if
his heart and lungs were trying to catch up with each
other. I lowered one strap of my dress and he kissed my
shoulder. Then, I felt a tidal wave of conviction hover over
my head. Stop, I could hear Gods whisper. I felt I was al-
ready too far in before I could turn from temptation.
Then, he kissed me. His lips were silk.
Tam..I...
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He tried to speak but only murmured words in be-
tween kisses. It quickly became intense and he lifted me
off the ground a few times by my waist.
God, please... he whispered. His voice was a lit-
tle whiney, as if he was begging God to intervene. His
voice softened. No. No. Tamara, look at me.
He stopped and stepped a foot or two back.
But, Kameron... you cant just stop... its okay. I
kissed him again. We can repent later...
No, its not okay. He kissed me hard and then
quickly pushed back. I dont want to hurt you. Im not
like the other guys.
Of course you arent, I smiled at him and said. I
walked closer to him.
Please... just stay back. He reached one arm out
signaling me to stop. Kameron, its okay... I thought you
said you were falling for me...the feeling is mutual.
Are you just saying that because of what you
want right now?
I paused. Am I really falling for Kameron? I looked
at the innocence in his eyes and suddenly felt horrible for
putting him in that situation. It was clear that this man of
God who really respected me didnt want to disrespect me.
I felt ashamed and like a heathen whos fleshly desires
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were taking charge of her actions. Then, I realized the
truth. I am falling for him.
No, Im not just saying that. I really am...and your
blatant respect for me makes me want you more...
I walked closer to him.
Stop! he yelled. Right there!
Whats wrong? I asked, with a look on my face
that spelled what I already knew.
This is the last night youre here in Seattle...
All the more reason to...
No, Tam. We cant. Youre right I do respect you
too much and what if Jesus parted the skies? He paused
and sighed. Come here... come sit and talk to me. He sat
on the bed and patted it, asking for me to come sit next to
him.
We both stared at each other for a long minute. I
wondered what he was thinking; why he was looking at
me in a loving way when I was not acting very Christian-
like. Sudden guilt settled in me. I felt like I was not good
enough for a really good man and was probably better off
with a sinner like Benjamin. Maybe this was Gods way of
telling me which direction I needed to take. I stood up and
grabbed my keycard.
Where are you going? Kameron asked.
He stood up.
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I just need to breathe...to get some air and think.
I continued walking to the door.
Let me come with you, its late and you shouldnt
be alone right now.
Kameron, I feel so bad.
Tamara... dont apologize. Nothing happened and
thats exactly what we needed to happen; nothing. Dont
worry...lets just sit and chat for a little while until you get
some sleep.
After what just happened you want to sit and chat
with me? You really are from another planet. I laughed.
Im not most guys... I really do fear God, but I
also really do respect your delicacy. I should be apologiz-
ing. I dont want to put you in a compromising position
again.
What, are you saying Im weak?
Im saying we should be honest... and honestly, as
a man, I saw vulnerability in your eyes. It was as if your
eyes craved me.
You have no idea, I thought as my eyes traced him
up and down.
And then my body craved yours.
My heart started beating faster...again. See, its
when you say stuff like that..that makes me start to feel
things.
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I just wanted to show you that it was a two way
street-here. I should not have brought you here, or proba-
bly even shown you how I feel so quickly. I just wanted
you to know how a real man can treat a real woman and
with the purest motives. I look at your beautiful eyes, your
perfect body and adore it..but I see past your physical
beauty and lavish in your spirit. It hooks me- as if youre a
drug I cant escape from. I need to be near you- to hear
you. So, I knew coming to see you would be difficult for
me. I had to pray to prepare myself for this weekend here.
I dont know what Ill do when I get on the road with the
team.
On the road? I forgot he would be traveling so
much with the Trailblazers.
When do you leave?
The day of Trinas wedding.
So much for a surprise visit from Kameron on that
day. I dreamed of that happening. Oh well.
When will I see you again?
Im not so sure.
All the more reason we should.
Stop it, girl, he said. Calm your little munchkin
self down. He laughed.
I laughed too, but a part of me was serious.
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Maybe Ill get to see you more often if I take this
job up here in Seattle. Then I can drive to Portland to
come to your home games.
I would love to see you there- but dont make any
decisions based on me and where I am. Are you sure
youre going to go through with this job and leave your
family again?
It make sense in so many ways for me. This
seems like a second chance.
Everything that seems beautiful isnt necessarily
good for you. Remember, Satan appeared as an angel of
light.
True, I shook my head.
Just pray about it for me, please? Ill be praying
too.
Thanks...I can do that.
In fact, lets just pray right now...
What? Pray? Thats the last thing I was thinking
of. But my soul was rejoicing at the amazing suggestion
from Kameron. He walked up next to me and gently
grabbed both of my hands. He bowed his head and opened
prayer with humbling words of repentance. Forgive me
Lord... he said.
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fifty-two
Kameron, wake up!
I yawned and turned my head to look at the clock
that sat beside the bed. What in the world? We were both
knocked out on the couch. Aww man, dont tell me we... I
tried to remember if anything happened last night between
Kameron and I, but couldnt remember a thing. I remem-
bered his sweet smell and silk lips, but everything after
that became a bit foggy. It was as if I was drugged or
something. Then, I glanced his way. His eyes were closed
and he was on his side with what looked liked a small
smile on his face. I didnt want to awaken him. I just
wanted to stand there and soak in his peacefulness. But
then it dawned on me. It was almost noon and I was
scheduled to meet with James again today at 1pm. Not to
mention, Kameron was supposed to be on the highway
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back to Portland. I jumped up, and shook Kameron.
Wake up, wake up!
Huh? he whispered, with squinted eyes. He
stretch, Good morning. I could see a smile in his eyes
and that made me melt.
Kameron, its almost noon, youve got to get back
to Portland to leave with your team to San Antonio.
He looked around as if he wasnt sure where he
was. Then his eyes grew to a half-dollar size. He gasped
for air and looked at me and then the couch.
Dont worry, I shrugged my shoulders and said.
We didnt do anything. My voice rang with disappoint-
ment.
He took a deep breath and sighed.
Ohhh. he said. Well, good.
He blushed.
Good for who?
Alright nah, Tam, he said.
He cheeks were red again and I walked to get a
towel from the dresser-drawer to wash up and get ready
for Benjamin. Kameron followed me to the restroom.
There were two sinks that sat in front of a huge mirror and
both had toothbrushes and toothpaste lying next to cups
that were wrapped in plastic. He brushed his teeth. Um
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Um Um, I thought. He even brushed his teeth in a sexy
way. Then, a loud knock at my door startled me.
Aww shoot, I said out loud.
Whats wrong? Whos that?
His expression grew to one of curiosity, as he spit.
He stood still as if he was waiting for my response.
Remember my ex-boyfriend that I told you about?
The one who I was engaged to and cheated on me with my
friend Angela?
Dont tell me...
And that job I was telling you about..
Tamara...
From his tone, I could tell he was trying to figure
out what the two had in common. You mean, he is getting
you that job?
I shook my head yes.
And, youre okay with that? he asked. I walked
closer to him and stared up in his eyes- deeply; making
sure I had both his eyes and his minds attention.
Hes just connecting me with a buddy of his who
works for the NSA. Im meeting with them today to dis-
cuss a little bit more details about the job.
I see, he said. His look changed to one of con-
cern and I had to say something to shift his thoughts a lit-
tle. What I didnt want was for him to think I was coming
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up here to see Benjamin or that I even cared about spend-
ing time with him.
Do you think he still loves you? Are you two set-
tling any unfinished business?
His voice deepened. I could hear jealousy in it.
He just came right out and asked and I had less
than five seconds to explain. Benjamin had knocked about
five times already and I needed to get to the door before
he assumed something was wrong. I walked to the door
and peaked out of the peephole just to make sure it was
him.
What do you want me to do? he asked, as if he
was trying to figure out if he needed to stay right in front,
stand next to me or go hide in closet.
He stood to the side and I could see his adams ap-
ple go up and down in his throat as if hed swallowed an
orange.
I opened the door.
Tamara, he whined.Youre not ready? Benja-
min said. My toothbrush was still in my hand. About how
long do you think... Then, he paused and looked at Kam-
eron.
A blank stare settled on my face. I turned a little
red in embarrassment that Benjamin came while Kameron
was still there. Kameron walked closer toward us as if he
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was watching my reaction toward everything. I walked
closer to Kameron.
Kameron, this is Benjamin. Benjamin, Kameron,
I said while pointing at the both of them. Like conserva-
tive men, they both shook hands.
Benjamins look spoke of surprise. His eyes grew
wide and then quickly tightened as he looked up at Kam-
eron, who was at least a foot taller than him. I laughed a
little on the inside.
Nice to meet you bruh, Kameron said.
Likewise Benjamin answered. Tam, I didnt
know you had guest staying with you while you were
here.
His comment sounded a bit more like a question of
curiosity. I paused; unsure of what to say or how to say
anything.
Benjamin, can you wait in the car? Ill be out in a
second, I said. I lightly pushed him toward the door.
Alright Kameron, Benjamin said. He nodded his
head and walked out the door.
Tam? Kameron said. So youre still very cordial
with him I see.
Hes been calling me that for years.
I see.
I sighed and shrugged my shoulders.
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So, are you going to take that position? he asked.
He stared into my eyes as if he was looking for the answer.
And, that was one answer I wasnt so sure of.
I dont know, I said.
Make sure you pray about it...make sure its the
right decision, you know, he said. He was always good at
making sure my communication lines with the Lord were
wide open. I shook my head yes.
I am. It feels like the direction for me.
Sometimes what feels good for is not always the
right thing for us, he said.
And he couldnt have been more right. Last night
was the perfect example of that. What I felt I wanted
would not have been good for us at that moment.
Remember Adam and Eve in the garden, he con-
tinued. Remember the tree of good and evil.
I looked at him like I was surprised he was an
NBA player and not a preacher, because he sure could
preach well. If he played basketball as good as he
preached, I knew he would be on his way to the Hall of
Fame.
Seriously, its a really good opportunity. Some-
thing this good has to be from God.
Kameron grabbed his keys and his jacket and
walked toward the door. Im going to let you get ready to
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leave. His face looked convicting. Remember to make
sure this is what God wants... he said.
Was he talking about him or the job? Does God
want me with either or neither? Those questions ran
through my mind faster than lightening. I had a lot of
praying to do.
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Fifty-Three
You can have the best of both worlds, Benjamin
said, as he drove ten miles over the 55 mph speed limit.
Will you slow your butt down? I said, while
holding on to the handle of the passenger door. And mind
your business.
You could have the job, youll be back in Seat-
tle... he continued. And who is this Kameron guy any-
way?
He kept driving and I could feel him slow down
little bit as he waited for my response.
Hes a nice guy I met in New Orleans..., I said. I
wasnt trying to give him any more information that he
didnt need to know. It wasnt his business who Kameron
was.
So, you like him then? he asked.
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Will you stop being so nosey and drive, I said
with an attitude.
We pulled up to Jamess house and I got out of the
car as fast as I could. Benjamin swiftly moved next to me.
Tamara, so youre into the tall men now, huh? he teased.
I blushed that time, thinking about Kamerons tall athletic
physique. It wasnt that Benjamin didnt look appealing to
the eyes to most women- but after what he put me
through, I was not trying to look at him in that way any-
more. My eyes only saw lies when they beheld him. I de-
cided not to answer his nagging question and look in an-
other direction so he couldnt see my sudden rosy cheeks.
Claire opened the door before I could ring it.
Come in, she said with her French accent.
I walked forward but could see Benjamins reflec-
tion in a glass curio that was only a foot from the door. He
was salivating over Claires perfect coke-bottle frame and
I stopped to stare at the beautiful crystals that sat inside of
the curio. Im not at all surprised by his dog-like reaction
to women. His reactions was simply a reminder of who he
really was to me. A dog.
Tamara...Benjamin, come in, James called.
He was in his office, sitting back against his rich
cherry-wooded desk and typing on his Mac. I know this
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is your last day in town, Tamara, but I did want to meet
with you once more to see if youve considered the offer?
I could feel all eyes were on me- and Benjamins
eyes felt too close. Do you mind if we just meet- just the
two of us, I said to James.
Yes of course. Benjamin, can you excuse us for a
second? he asked Benjamin.
Thanks, I took a deep breath and said.
Benjamin walked out with Claire and I imagined
him not having much of a problem with that. Now he has
real time to flirt with her, I thought.
James got up and walked around his desk and sat
on the edge of it, on the side of me.
So, whats the verdict? He asked.
I think this is an amazing opportunity... I sighed
and said.
And so, your reservations are?
I cleared my throat.
I dont know...
I stood up and walked to his window. I mean, this
offer sounds almost ridiculous to pass up. Its what Ive
always wanted. I paused, while looking in his backyard
and the beautiful roses garden. It almost surrounded his
home. This is really a glorious place, Mr. Marcel.
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Tamara, you can be cordial with me. Especially if
were partners...
He said it as if Ive already accepted the offer.
Ill tell you what, he continued. Go home and
think about it. Ill give you a week to decide. If I dont
hear back from you, well, Ill assume youd decided
against it. If you call back and say yes, then we can get
you started right away.
I sighed really hard. Oh goooood, I said.
He laughed.
It looked like you needed a little more time.. and
thats understandable. Its a big decision. Take a week and
let me know, okay? His eyes looked warm, as if he cared
about me taking my time and not jumping so hastily at this
job. That solidified some thoughts of mine. I dont know
what Kameron was talking about. James could very well
be a great partner and thats exactly what Id need. After
Trinas wedding, Id have my decision.
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Fifty-Four
Hold still, I said, while putting a bobby-pen in
Trinas hair.
Ugh! Trina sighed. I hate that this pony-tail
wont stay in place. Its this stupid dress, she whined.
Stupid dress? This dress is beautiful..just relax
girl, Ill get it.
I stood behind her, putting pins back in place and
prayed theyd stay where they belonged. Nothing like your
hair becoming a disaster before your big moment.
I should have just put it on before I got my hair
done so I wouldnt have to worry about this.
Trina decided to wear her hair in an up-do style. A
beautiful curly pony-tail with a tiara resting on top of her
head. It was near perfect, except while putting her dress on
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a few of her curls came out of place... and the gusty wind
didnt help either. The late afternoon we got to the hotel to
get ready, the wind started picking up. Then I was re-
minded of a radio broadcast alert I heard. There was a
storm in the Gulf of Mexico.
Wait ladies. Lets put it on the news right quick to
see the status of this storm, Vanessa, one of the brides
maids said. Immediately after we put it on, my cell phone
rang.
Tam, did you hear about this storm thats ap-
proaching New Orleans? Benjamin said with panic in his
voice.
Were watching the news now.
Text me and let me know what youre going to
do, he said. He was not the first person I thought of, but
was someone I was sure would call if there was any cata-
strophic threat to this city.
Alright, bye, I quickly said before hanging up.
Girl, who was that? Kam? Trina asked.
No. Benjamin.
Benjamin? she asked, while putting mascara on.
Yes!, I answered with a stern voice. Who was on
the phone didnt matter. What mattered was this monster
of a storm thats pretty close to threatening us. Shhh, I
whispered, before putting a finger on my lips. I looked
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attentively at the television to see what the commotion
was about.
Right now the storm is approaching the Gulf of
Mexico at 160 mph with gusts at over 200 mph, the re-
porter said. Mayor Charles Bruce has issued a State of
Emergency for New Orleans and is asking everyone to
leave immediately.
Trina..., I whispered. I couldnt think of anything
else to say. A huge lump was in my throat and I looked at
the ground feeling terrible for Trina because it was her
wedding day and we needed to leave the city.
No. No! Trina cried.
I picked up my cell phone and called my parents. I
could feel my pulse in my throat- making my words trem-
ble. And then I thought of Kameron, whos in San Anto-
nio.
Mom, Dad? I quickly answered as soon as
someone answered my call.
Tamara, where are you?
Im at the hotel with Trina and the girls...
First of all, breathe.
I took a deep breath. My parents know me and bad
weather do not make a happy couple.
Second of all, she continued. Were packing a
few things right now and are going to drive to Texas to
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stay with some cousins, are you coming with us? she
asked.
My phone beeped. It was Kameron.
Mom, hold on. I clicked to the other phone call.
Tamara...I just bought you a ticket to San Anto-
nio, he said. First class. It leaves in two hours. He
didnt even give this conversation a hello.
Kameron...what about Trinas wedding? I cant
leave my girl.
And, I cant let you stay there, he said. Im
sorry if Im being rude. How are you? How is she?
Im so-so, shes a train wreck.
I sighed and turned to look at Trina who was cry-
ing uncontrollably, while talking to Walter on the phone.
Ive got to go, I continued. This just doesnt
make any sense how fast this storm has crept upon us. I
didnt know this storm was this close. I guess I didnt pay
attention because I was in Seattle.
That doesnt matter now. What matters is you
leaving the city and getting out of the way of that storm.
Wait just a second, I said. I put my cell down
and walked over to Trina.
Whats the plan? I said to Trina.
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Were going to let our Pastor quickly marry us
and then leave the city together as husband and wife. This
is just so crazy, she cried. Its too much.
Her face was beet red. Her eyes flooded with tears.
Her mascara didnt have a chance. I put my phone on the
dresser and hugged her tight. Its going to be okay, sis.
dont worry. Were going to get you and Walt married and
then were all leaving.
What are you parents going to do, try to ride out
the storm?
Heavens no, child. They learned from Hurricane
Camille. They are throwing clothes together right now and
are heading to Texas with some cousins of ours.
And you?
Our conversation was becoming one we never
thought wed have in our lifetime. It was as if a disastrous
event was about to take place and we were running from
it. Escaping the path of danger to save our lives- to save
our family heritage. As if some kind of comet was about to
strike the earth.
Oh... Kameron! I said out loud. Hello? I put
my phone back to my ear. Im so sorry about that.
No thats okay, dont apologize. You have a lot
going on. Remember the flight leaves in a couple hours.
Promise me you wont miss it.
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Tamara, what are you going to do? Trina inter-
rupted.
Tam? Kameron said.
Kameron is flying me to San Antonio, I said to
Trina.
Yes...of course, I promise, I told Kameron.
I hung up the phone and glanced at the television
again. The meteorologist looked worried- and thats a
scary thing for me because our Chief Meteorologist never
looked nervous. He typically had a way of making me feel
safe about whatever storm system was coming our way. It
just so happens that even this great big storm was big
enough to put a little fear in his eyes.
Hes here, Trina said, while moving from the
window she was staring out of. She must have seen Walter
coming because she never moved so fast in her life to get
to the door.
She grabbed one bag and I grabbed another. We
both met Walter at the elevator to get to the lobby where
we were meeting their Pastor.
Where is he? she asked me.
Calm down.. take a few deep breaths, I said
while rubbing her arms, to calm her down.
Walter stepped off the elevator.
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I cant believe we never paid attention to this stu-
pid Hurricane, Walter said.
He looked at me, but didnt even say hello. And, I
was okay with that. All of his focus needed to be on Trina
and their plan of escape.
Seconds later, their Pastor got off the elevator be-
hind Walter.
Where do you want to do this? he asked.
Lets go.... Walter said, looking around the hall-
way to see if there was at least a perfect quick spot for a
quick wedding.
Ohhh... right here, I thought. This is perfect. I
walked by an exquisite vase with beautiful lilys in them.
It stood right in front of a huge window with beautiful ma-
roon linen curtains.
Tam, Trina softly said with tears in her eyes. I
already knew that voice was one of approval. She didnt
get the big church. She didnt get the big reception. But
she did get two things she always dreamed of in her wed-
ding. Walter and Lilys.
Whew!
Yes, thisll work Pastor, Walter said.
Dearly Beloved... the Pastor began.
I stood back and smiled. Relieved.
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And there we stood. Trina, was a beautiful blush-
ing bride and Walter was ready to rescue his queen from
the wrath that Hurricane Katrina would bring on the city
of New Orleans. In all of ten minutes, I saw the most
beautiful bride get married during a sunset. They said I
DO and I rushed to the airport, hoping my flight was de-
parting on time.
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Fifty-Five
I had a window seat and all I could do was stare
out of the window at the beautiful sky. It was night and the
sky was a perfect cloudless one. The stars were full. We
flew so high it looked like I could reach my hand out of
the window and grab one. But out of anxiety about what I
left behind me, my leg just kept trembling. I wondered if
the guy sitting next to me wanted to know what my prob-
lem was. I clinched tightly to my cell phone that was in
my hand, as if I was waiting to get a phone call from
Kameron. My one small bag that I packed was above my
head and my laptop bag was under my feet. This was all I
had from my parents house. I hoped by the time all of this
was over, I could return to get my car amongst other
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things. I just dont know if I can stand relocating again so
quickly. At least Im flying this time.
We landed on time at about a little after 10PM. I
was sure Kamerons game was over by then, so I put my
laptop bag on my shoulder, and rolled my bag down the
terminal. I looked at my phone and saw a text message
from Kameron.
My driver, Stan, is a big baldheaded white guy.
Hes waiting for you at the Smoothie King in the food
court.
I sighed and frowned.
I really hoped he would be the one picking me up
from the airport. Im guessing he was too busy to call. But
he could text? I thought. That probably wasnt even him
who sent that text message. I didnt have any emotional
room left to have a problem with his communication
method. Too much was on my mind.
I kept wheeling my way toward the food court.
My mouth watered just thinking about a delicious
strawberry and banana power smoothie. I needed the extra
pick-me-up because I wasnt sure what was about to hap-
pen to my city. We were less than 24 hours from the storm
approaching Gulf shores and my stomach was bent with
the gut-wrenching feeling that it was going to wipe New
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Orleans off the face of the map. World history was about
to be made. Hurricane Katrina was going to be written in
textbooks.
Tamara? A voice from behind me tapped my
shoulder. It was a very tall and muscular white man, wear-
ing a black suit and a hat. He looked like a limo driver.
Yes? I turned around and said.
Right this way maam. Mr. Hall is at a press con-
ference and will be arriving at the Windsor Court Hotel in
an hour. He left this envelop for you. He handed me an
envelop, as we walked out of the airport to his black town
car. I sighed and didnt say much. How could I? While I
was about to enjoy the luxury of a beautiful hotel, my par-
ents were about to crash in a cheap Motel 6. And then,
more of the reality hit me. My hands shook a little at the
thought of the roaring wind ripping roofs off of houses
with strong tidal waves crashing into brick walls- smash-
ing them brick by brick. I bit my lip just imagining chil-
dren wading through water trying desperately to reach a
higher level of security and fearing the water beneath
them. And, a tear rolled down my well-defined cheeks, as
my mind dared to ponder the thought of the scent of death
that would hover over the city; my city; the city I once had
a love-hate relationship with. I sank in regret for all the
many times I said hateful things about New Orleans...from
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my harsh critique of the school systems to my hurtful as-
sumptions about their crooked politics. What New Orleans
needed at that very moment was exactly what I needed.
Love. And love in a form of discipline seemed to be mak-
ing its entrance into my beloved city right now like a bad
child getting ready to get spanked. I could only pray and
hope that this child would learn its lesson.
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Fifty-Six
If youd like to make a call, please hang up and
try your call again, the machine said.
It was my hundredth time trying to call my mom.
Each call, unsuccessful. Every area code along the Gulf
Coast was not working. Im so glad I still have a Seattle
number.
I stared at the door. And then the window. And then
the floor. With everything in me, I tried to stop my tears
from falling. But they wouldnt. It pierced my side to
know what was going on. I could only watch ten minutes
of the news broadcast. Everybody was covering it- all of
the stations. ABC, CBS, NBC, TWC, BET and MTV... the
footage was everywhere.
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The looting.
The Superdome.
The thirsty kids.
The sick elderly people.
The white sheets that wrapped dead bodies.
The signs that read SOS.
The water.
As I continued to wait for Kameron to make it to
the hotel, I dropped to my knees. I began to grieve for my
city. My phone rang over and over, but I couldnt answer
it. I couldnt look at it. I was afraid it was someone I knew
stuck out there crying out to me for help. So, I threw my
phone on the couch across the room. I closed my eyes and
knelt right where I was, by the window... under the moon-
light. Lord, please show your grace. Please, I begged.
A warm hand felt like the silk petal of a rose. He
smelled as sweet as one too. I slowly open my eyes, pre-
pared to see his charming face. I hope I dont look a disas-
ter. Then, I beheld his eyes...his smile...his glow, but saw
his eyebrows were wrinkled and that his eyes spoke of
concern.
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Gmorning. How are you feeling this morning?
He gently asked.
I reached up and hugged him. It was a long hug;
longer than a minute. I needed to be embraced...his em-
brace.
Its okay, he said.
His muscles were strong as he provided an even
stronger than ever grip.
I know what you need... lets get out today. Its a
beautiful day and you could really use the fresh air, he
said.
I half smiled as I turned around and gazed out the
window at another cloudless sky coupled with a beaming
sun.
I shook my head yes. My ears then caught the
sound of running water coming from the bathroom.
Here, follow me, Kameron suggested.
Huh?
A confused look grew on my face. I felt a little in-
coherent.
He walked me to the bathroom where a garden
bathtub covered in marble and granite sat. It was the most
beautiful tub Id ever seen. Candles were lit along side it
and four tall roman towers squared the corners and ex-
tended to the ceiling. Inside the tub were clouds of foam
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that smelled like vanilla. I stood still marveling at how
beautiful it was.
Kameron stepped away and came back with my
bags in his hand and then he whispered in my ear Relax
before walking out the door. He didnt have to say that
again. Immediately, my clothes hit the floor and I inched
my way into the tub. The water was perfect. The smell in-
toxicated me even more and made me almost want to sink
into vanilla bliss in eternity. Kameron knew exactly what I
needed.
I stepped out of the tub refreshed and with my
stomach curling in hunger pangs. I quickly dressed and
walked into the living room where I met Kameron sitting
down reading.
Hey, I softly said.
He stood up.
Hey, he replied. Feeling alright?
I sat next to him and noticed he was reading the
bible. I smiled, impressed.
I was thinking we could get lunch. Im sure
youre hungry, he continued. Are you?
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I was glad he didnt press too hard to get my feel-
ings out. I was sure he was considerate of them with eve-
rything going on. My brain just felt cluttered- as if men-
tally I was hoarding all sorts of unneeded thoughts and
feelings in there. I could feel them all bubbling to come
out, as if I needed to expose of rotten food that was killing
me.
Terribly, I smiled and said.
Okay. Whenever you're ready, we can get some-
thing to eat, he said.
Ready now.
Cool. Ive already seen a great place I know
youll enjoy. So, shall we? He grabbed my hand and
walked next to me out the door. I wasnt sure what lied
ahead of me in San Antonio, Texas besides Sea World, and
I hoped thats not what he had in mind.
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Fifty-Seven
This wind feels kind of good, I said with closed
eyes. I knew why it felt so good too. It was probably be-
cause of the beastly storm that just smacked against the
other side of the Gulf. It was so big, the wind gust blew
strong out here.
It does... he agreed. He looked up at the waiter
who just arrived at our table.
Can I get you two something to drink? she
asked.
We were at La Madeline, a cute French Cafe in the
heart of downtown San Antonio. Our table was outside, so
we could enjoy the nice breeze that trailed us as we
walked from our hotel that was minutes away. Kameron
ordered tea and I ordered hot cocoa to help ease my chill.
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I want to ask, Kameron said, looking like he
really wanted to know I was feeling but was a little reluc-
tant to ask.
Its okay. Im fine.. just have a lot on my mind.
I know.
Just one second, I said, pointing my finger up.
My moms calling. I was so glad to finally have heard
from them. I sighed in relief and stepped away from the
table to take the call.
Mom!
I couldnt be more excited to hear her voice.
Tamara. How are-- where are you?
In San Antonio. At the last minute Trina married
Walt...it was at the hotel actually. Her pastor came and
then Kameron bought me a ticket to fly here before the
storm approached. I made it out in time. I felt like I was
rushing my words. I couldnt get them out fast enough. I
paced back and forth, tearing up a little as I anticipated to
hear what she was about to say where they were. Where
are you and dad?
We made it to your dads cousins in Temple,
Texas. Only about two hours away from where you are.
Really?
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My voice raised. I didnt realize they were that
close. In that huge hotel room Kameron got for me, they
could come stay there too.
Do you want to come drive up here to Temple?
mom asked.
Ugh!
Actually, you and dad could come drive over
here.. that way you can meet Kameron. Plus, I dont have
a car, remember?
It didnt dawn on me that I did not have a car any-
more. My precious Mercedes is underwater. Shoot! Just
when I was about to break down over my car, Kameron
waltzed by.
Everything okay, sweetie?
Sweetie? That was the first time he called me that,
which reminded me that we needed to talk.
Mom. Come on by if you can. Im staying at the
Windsor Court hotel downtown San Antonio. Call me
when youre there.
That sounds like a plan. Miss you Tam and cant
wait to see you.
She hung up.
That was my mom, I turned to tell Kameron.
We walked back to our table. He pulled out my
chair and placed my napkin back on my lap. He was the
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finest gentleman. I never had anyone be remotely close to
gentlemanlike with me- even men who had ulterior mo-
tives still werent as sweet. But this bible reading, sweet
talking, deeply compassionate man was special.
What were you reading this morning- while I was
taking a bath?
His look spelled something intriguing to me. I
looked deep into his eyes to find and find my answer, but I
couldnt get past the sweetness I felt when I stared at
them. It gave me butterflies.
He half smiled and sighed, while taking a sip of his
tea.
I was reading Proverbs 18:22 that says He who
finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the
Lord.
I paused. I must have stopped breathing for a few
seconds. Why was he reading that? I thought. I scratched
my head and took a deep breath before taking a sip of my
now luke-warm cocoa.
Really?
Yes, really.
So what made you read that particular scripture
passage?
I didnt purposely turn to it... I opened my bible
and there it was. It stuck out like a sore thumb.
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Thats interesting, I said, coughing a little. So,
are you looking for a wife?
Yes, he quickly answered.
So, what would set her apart as your wife and not
anyone elses?
Ah hah, I thought. I wanted him to think long and
hard before he answered that question. Most men Ive en-
countered can tell me what they are looking for, but they
cant give me an exact reason why she would be set apart
exclusively for him. That was important to a person like
me who believes God does set a special person apart for
everyone.
More tea, maam? the waitress came to our table
and asked me.
No thanks. But Ill take a glass of water, I re-
plied to her with a smile. I inched closer in my seat await-
ing his response to my well-thought out question.
Ill tell you like this, Tamara, he began. Ill
know she is divinely created for me by the look in her
eyes when Im around. By the walk she walks around me.
Her scent will match mine. We wont clash in any way. It
would be as if we are one already.
I began to fan my face with my hands. Whew, its
getting a little warm outside, dont you think? I whis-
pered.
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Kameron chuckled, Trust me, Ill just know and
so will she.
So, do you already know, I inquisitively asked.
Yes.
He grabbed my hand that was resting on the table
and squeezed it tightly and my heart literally jumped in
my throat. I exhaled at his firm grip and remembered how
not long ago we were close to consummating something
that did not need to be consummated.
Kam, I... I paused and stood up. Ill be right
back.
Kameron took another sip of his tea and I walked
to the restroom. I stood in the mirror Oh Lord, help me,
I said to myself. This guy is like perfect in every way
imaginable. Hes funny, sweet, caring, loves you, heck, I
think he loves me... and is everything I asked for and
more.. what should I do? I stood quietly for a moment;
waiting to hear if God was going to audibly tell me what
to do. I knew his voice was typically as soft as a whisper,
so I began to grow a little frustrated at the sound of the air
conditioner that might be drowning it. Ugh! I walked out
of the restroom and saw Kameron sitting there, quietly
waiting.
Everything okay? he asked.
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Yes, Im sorry about that. I cleared my throat.
So, where were we.
I was about to tell you something. Tamara, Ive
got to get this off my chest right now.
Okay. I swallowed really hard and sat up straight
, acting like I had it all together.
Right before our game against the Spurs, one of
my teammates was getting off the phone with a family
member from New Orleans, I heard him mention storm
and evacuate. Immediately I thought of you and your fam-
ily and wondered if you had a plan. It scared me. Its like
my life flashed before my eyes. Like I was there too. And,
I knew I had to get you out of there. I couldnt play the
game knowing you were still there stuck or worse. So, I
called American Airlines and got you a ticket and got you
a room at my hotel. Actually, my agent did it for me while
I played. So, when you get a chance, thank Janet for mak-
ing the calls. She sent you the text too.
Aww really? Janet? I smiled. Please tell her
thank you for me.
And then, when I came to your room last night
and saw you crying I knelt right beside you and cried too.
You were crying in your sleep.
I was?
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Yes. It was then that I realized something that I
knew was going to happen anyway.
My heart beat faster and faster with each word that
was coming out of his mouth.
Whats that?
That I love you.
A tear streamed down my cheek and he was close
enough to wipe it away for me. He touched my chin and
kissed my lips. I could have passed out right then and
there. It was the most amazingly magical moment I ever
had. Then, he hugged me and whispered, Tell me you feel
the same way.
I shook my head yes.
How could I not feel the same way. This was a
man who appeared out of no where in my life during a
time I thought my heart was too ruined to receive love.
After being tried and tested in my own world, he took a
peek inside and still saw a blossoming flower. I felt privi-
leged that he felt that way for me. I exhaled again in his
arms.
I love you too.
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Fifty-Eight
La Madeline had become a special place for us,
and not because of the food. That afternoon when we de-
clared our love for each other, we were both too full to ac-
tually eat. We were two overly excited teenage kids who
newly discovered love- beyond the walls of infatuation.
We spent the remaining time where just holding each other
and sipping tea. He was the touchy-feely type of guy who
couldnt stop playing with my nose, rubbing my cheeks
and kissing my lips. And, I loved that about him. I adored
that part of him and prayed it would never go away. But, I
knew our time out in San Antonio was going to be a short
one. He would have another game to get to soon and I
needed to make a decision about working with James
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Marcel in Seattle. I knew there was at least one more con-
versation he and I needed to have.
We began walking the three blocks back to the ho-
tel, while holding hands. Kam, I need to talk to you about
something.
Im sure weve got lots to talk about, he said,
after pinching my nose.
I chuckled.
Youll be leaving to get back on the road with the
team and I cant stay here in San Antonio.
Yeah, thats true, he interrupted. I already know
what youre about to say.
He paused and so did I just thinking about the new
job but also about something important I felt he should
know about my past relationship with Benjamin; Nyla. I
wondered if this good man would be able to do the Chris-
tian thing and forgive me for such a horrible thing. I stared
in his deep brown eyes and froze in fear of losing him.
Nope. I couldnt tell him.
Im still thinking about that job offer in Seattle. I
think thatll be a good move for me- especially in light of
everything going on right now.
He stopped walking and stood in front of me.
Tam... he said. His tone spoke cautiously, like he
wanted to say something that was bothering him.
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What is it?
I dont have a very good feeling about that job in
Seattle... about Benjamin...
Ohhhhh, I laughed. You have reservations
about Benjamin because we were engaged and you know
his dirt, yada yada yada. I looked around laughing at his
jealousy. You dont have anything to worry about. Ben-
jamin is not interested in me and if he was, who cares.
Didnt you just hear me say I love you?
And I love you too... but this isnt about all of
that. I just didnt have an easy feeling about everything
when you first told me about it. And when I met Benja-
min, there was something about him too that didnt sit
well with me.
I think this is just a jealousy thing, Kam.
Im not jealous, he argued.
Yes you are. Thats the only reason youre saying
all of this. I folded my arms and took a couple steps back
against the wall of the hotel. We finally arrived.
Did you pray about it, like I encouraged you to?
My eyes shifted from left to right and I tried to re-
member having a deep conversation with God about this
job. I didnt recall one, but I do remember faintly asking
God for direction.
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Yes, of course... and he didnt say no. Sometimes
we have to make our own decisions and trust hes guiding
us, right?
Faith includes works.. true... but youve got to
make sure this is exactly the road the Lord wants you on.
Other wise, youll just end up entrapped in a place where
youll struggle coming out of.
Youll be on the road with me, right? To help
cushion my fall, if I happen to?
He paused with a serious look on his face. This
isnt a joke, Tamara. I dont want to see you experience
any hurt that you could have avoided.
Its not like this job is for the CIA. I wont be
traveling as a spy. Ill be working out of a home office for
National Security... with James, and I trust him.
Are you sure?
Yes. Im sure. His place is magnificent. Its se-
cure. Itll be able to really do what Ive always wanted to-
to help this great country of ours.
Kamerons face frowned and he sighed, looking up
at the sky. And so what about us?
What about us? Why cant I just have the best of
both worlds?
I can fix this right now. He dropped to he knees
right outside. Marry me.
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What? Kam, get up. I shook my head. Youre
just asking because you dont want me to take the job.
Im asking because I love you...
I pulled his arm to encourage him to stand up.
No, youre asking because you are afraid that
Benjamin will try to get to me. Dont you trust me?
Yes I do trust you...
But?
He rolled his eyes. But, nothing. I trust you
sweetheart.
Can we both just see where this goes? I looked
to the left and saw my parents coming out of the hotel.
Mom, dad!
I ran up to them and hugged my mom first. It felt
incredible to feel her embrace. It was warm. My dad
reached his arms out and hugged us both. At that moment
I was glad I was the only child. If I had any siblings, my
parents would not have been able to keep it together.
You look great... wheres Kameron? my mom
eagerly asked.
Kameron came walking over. How are you Mr.
and Mrs. Thompson?
How you doin young man? I mean, tall young
man. Youre at least seven feet tall? my dad said.
Kameron laughed.
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Almost Sir.
Lets go upstairs to my hotel room so we can
talk. I grabbed both of their hands and showed them the
way. Kameron walked behind us.
This sure is a nice hotel. Expensive. For the rich
folk. You sure we can stay here? Dad was always the co-
median of the family.
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Fifty-Nine
Well, well, well. It's nice to finally meet you,
Kameron. my dad smiled and said.
I must say, Im widely impressed at how you
bought Tamara a ticket to escape the storm. You must
really care about her, he said.
Kameron looked at me with a sweet glare in his
eyes. I could almost see a twinkle in them. Yes, he re-
plied to my dad.
Im glad you and Mrs. Thompson made it out
okay also.
Well...it was Gods grace that provided a way out
for us.
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Yes sir, it was.
So, youre a man of faith then? You dont sound
like youre loosely agreeing, my dad said, with a look of
a wise-guy written on his face.
Yes sir, I am. And, I definitely dont say that
loosely, Kameron laughed. He turned around and looked
at me with a huge smile on his face. I could tell he was
enjoying their small talk.
Tamara, this place is beautiful... I mean, you
stayed here? my mom asked. Her eyes were widely sur-
prised. We walked around the room a little while my mom
admired the drapes, the fine linen and bedding. She leaned
a little closer in and whispered, This is a pretty big bed.
Did you and Kameron-
Mom, no! I whispered. Hes a gentleman and
respects me.
Um hm... youre a grown single woman, at least I
think you are single, she chuckled. Then again, that
could have changed since the last time we talked about it.
My mom was beginning to snoop around to find
out exactly what Kameron and I had become. And, that
was a thought resinating in my mind anyway. After my
long five-year relationship with Benjamin, I was not in a
rush to get into another relationship. But, Kameron was
proving to be something better than Benjamin was to me
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430
in all of those five plus years. I felt secure around him.
Loved around him. Important around him. I felt like I mat-
tered. I gazed his way and stared at him and my dad hav-
ing a great first conversation. They were both smiling.
Laughing. They were both really engaged. Two of my fa-
vorite men were actually really enjoying each other. This
day was becoming more and more perfect.
I ignored my moms curiosity. She was trying to go
there, but I wasnt. I was still trying to figure out what I
was going to do about Seattle. If I was going to ask her
advice about anything it was going to be that. She was one
of the influencers who helped me decide to move back
home from Seattle. So, I know shell have a lot to say
about my going back so soon. I hope shell be honest and
not biased.
Mom, I have something to ask, I said, while
walking to the french bedroom doors and closing them.
Sure sweetheart, whats wrong? Are you preg-
nant?
Mom! I blushed and said, sounding as if I was a
teenage girl being drilled. She had a way about checking
to make sure I wasnt engaging in habitual sin.
You know mama just had to make sure, she
looked to the side and said.
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431
Well no, Im not pregnant.. nor am I having sex
with him. Unfortunately. My thoughts interrupted my
own words. So, let me just set that record straight right
now.
Good, she said, sighing with a sound of confi-
dence about what I just said. So, whats going on then?
I want to move to Seattle, to start this new job
that Benjamin helped me get.
And...
And, well... Kameron is not too happy with me
taking it.
Is it a jealousy thing?
I think so, but he wont admit it. He says he wants
me to make sure Im making the right choice and not just
moving because the job looks so good. Said I wouldnt
want to become entrapped in a place where Im not really
supposed to be. He even asked me to marry him earlier,
but I think he was playing.
Oh wow, she said, after swallowing hard.
Youre going to marry him?
Was that all she heard?
No, mom. We both had a pretty sweet moment at
La Madeline for lunch and then we talked a bit. He ex-
pressed his feelings for me and I did the same... but..
But what? Do you love him? Is it love?
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432
I knew that was the only thing she would hear this
entire conversation.
I hesitated, Yes.
Well we should celebrate. Youre in love! Thats a
big step for you after all of the Benjamin drama you en-
dured.
She jumped up and hugged me.
Mom, calm down. Please. Yes, I love him... but
you know what I went through to get rejected from the
CIA and how more than anything Id love to work for the
government. Ive been trying to do this for years.
More than anything, huh? She sat back down
and looked back up at me. More than love?
I paused.
Why is this so frazzling difficult?
Mom-
Tam, before you speak just think about some-
thing. Search deep inside your heart and think about what
you always prayed and asked God for. What youve al-
ways longed for. What you hoped for in Benjamin that
ended up not being the real deal. Tam, I think Kameron is
the real deal. I think hes the one.
But, mom-
Listen to me, she stood up and put both hands on
my cheeks. Listen to your mom, she continued. I know
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433
these things. I know what I see. And right now I see a man
in there, a professional NBA player who could have
probably had any other woman. And you know athletes
get women who regularly throw themselves at them. But,
instead, he met you and chose you. Would you really pass
up real love to pursue a career?
Why cant I have the best of both worlds?
Its not that simple. But you should really con-
sider what you would do for love, this time.
Everything she said made sense. And I sat there
looking at the floor and feeling guilty for even trying to
argue against what formed into love. Kameron loved me
and I felt I could ruin our relationship by making the
wrong decision.
Youre right, mom. And yes, I do love him. Ill
keep thinking about it.
When do you need to let that guy know your de-
cision? she asked.
Tomorrow. Thats when Kameron leaves for Port-
land.
Tam, Im not going to tell you what to do. But, I
will ask you to do the same thing Kameron suggested.
Pray.
She stood up and walked to the doors. Talk to the
Lord about it, Tam. Hell tell you what to do. If you follow
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434
his lead, you cant go wrong, she continued. She closed
the doors behind her exit.
Lord, here we go again.
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435
Sixty
Are you ready? Kameron asked, as I rolled my
suite case and carried my bag down the terminal.
We were looking for Gate B16 and had a little time
to spare before we boarded. Hey, let me carry that for
you, he offered.
I handed it to him, although my Macbook isnt
very heavy. Thanks, I yawned and said. These early
morning flights...
I know. Weve got a little time, so lets sit and get
and get a cup of coffee.
Coffee sounds good. I need the strongest cup.
I yawned again and looked around the airport and
the busyness of things. People were rushing to gates. Little
kids even looked exhausted. I sat next to Kameron trying
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436
to avoid eye contact because I knew that my life was get-
ting ready to shift again only this time, he was in it with
me. I sighed looking into his charming eyes that always
smiled at me when I needed them to.
You really do need coffee, he laughed. You
havent stopped yawning yet since we left the hotel, he
laughed. His laugh was contagious; made me laugh every
time.
We were up all night talking to my parents, thats
why Im so tired... plus, these early morning flights...
Well this was the best they could do with booking
you on flight with me last minute, he said.
We walked up to Starbucks and I ordered a tall
Mocha Latte. I havent had a cup of coffee in years, it
seemed. Over here, I said, after I found a small empty
table with no one sitting near by. I preferred the privacy.
So, back to my question that you so cleverly
avoided, Kameron said. Are you ready?
Ready for what? I thought. Once again my life was
about to take route in another direction- one I didnt quite
think it would turn toward. I was about to step on an air-
plane and back into a familiar place, but this time, the man
who was accompanying me was with me because he loved
me and wanted me. Not because he felt pity for dragging
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437
me along in a five year relationship. Unlike Benjamin,
Kameron loved me.
Yes I am. About as ready as Ill ever be, I took a
sip of my latte and answered.
They called for our flight and then we entered the
plane. First class.
You know, the NBA sure does treat their friends
nicely, I said. I laughed at my ability to fly eating a great
breakfast and fresh orange juice. This is what I was used
to. Back to the classy life and out of the hood.
Im just glad my friends could pull a couple
strings and get you this flight and more importantly a nice
condo for you. I still couldnt believe you passed up the
offer to just stay with me for a while. I told you, I dont
mind.
Please fasten your seat-belts as we prepare for
take off, the flight attendant said. Maam, well have to
take your tray while the pilot proceeds with take-off, she
continued.
I let her take my tray and sat straight up a little.
Actually, it was better for me not to stay with you.
Were not married, I continued.
Not yet, anyways, he said.
I chuckled. Marriage was definitely on my list, but
a little further down the line. After going through so much,
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438
there was no way I could jump right into a marriage that
quickly because I knew it wouldnt last.
We should take our time, wouldnt you agree? I
asked him. I stared in his eyes, after we finally reached a
good altitude. I mean, youre going to be traveling with
the team this season and Ill be starting my new career.
He sighed and looked at the floor.
I know.
But dont worry, I grabbed his hand and said.
As long as we have love, we can make it work, right?
It will work for certain if you marry me, he
turned toward me and said.
Kameron, you know I just cant...
Tam, look at me, he said. I started to hold tight to
the arm of my chair, bracing myself for what he was about
to say. His eyes looked serious, tempting and warm all at
the same time. I saw his sincerity and it melted me enough
to make me slouch in my chair a little.
I love you. I already know you are the one for me.
It may seem difficult, considering youve been proposed
to before, but I want you to look past the hurt youve ex-
perienced and see a man who would never hurt you or be-
tray your trust.
His whisper was loud and I looked around to see if
anybody could hear his plea for love. When he looked at
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439
me with those big brown eyes I could feel them pierce
deep within me. It seriously seemed like a real plea for
love- an almost desperate one. And it seemed to be calling
me out.
Yes, I looked at him and said.
Yes? You mean?
I mean, yes, I reached closer and kissed him.
Yes! he said softly, before hugging me tightly
and kissing me with those silky lips.
But we have to take our time...plan a nice wed-
ding and do things my way.
Okay... got it, he shook his head yes.
And, you have to make sure my entire family is
there, especially my dad. I know my family is scattered
everywhere, but I need to have a wedding planner who can
help me find them.
Not a problem, he agreed.
Things are happening so fast with the storm and
Seattle... Ill marry you..if... you still want to marry me
after six months.
Six months? he shouted. I mean, six months,
he then whispered.
Yes. Youll be traveling with the team and Ill be
working... I just want to make sure our love can sustain
anything that may try to throw itself against us. Or any-
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440
thing that might try to resurrect itself from my past, I
thought. So, think of it as a book camp for our love- sur-
vival of the fittest.
I wasnt sure how convincing I was, but I almost
shrunk in my chair having thoughts of my past relation-
ship with Benjamin and all of the things that happened in
those five years flashed before my eyes. There was cer-
tainly an amount of secrets that Kameron wasnt quite
aware of just yet. I needed time to make sure he could
handle it.
Tamara, thats ridiculous. He shook his head.
Do we walk down the aisle in six months or do you want
me to ask you again in six months?
Ask me again.
Six months? His eyes grew confused.
I shook my head yes.
Okay. I can do that, he said in a deep breath.
He paused and looked at the clouds that were sail-
ing beside him out the window.
Dont worry... Im sure those six months will be
worth it, I said, as I grabbed his hand and tightly gripped
it.
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441
The flight back to Seattle seemed to whisk by after
that conversation. He fell asleep and I stayed awake star-
ing out the window. I suddenly began to feel nauseous
about getting off the plane.
Please fasten your seat-belts as we prepare for
landing, the flight attendant warned.
Here we go, I whispered.
Kameron woke up and we exited the plane rather
quickly. He had a connecting flight to Portland to connect
with his team and I was staying. He grabbed and held my
hands tighter than ever, while we walked down the termi-
nal. He looked over my shoulders and the tone of his voice
shifted as I could only imagine who he saw standing a
couple feet from me.
Theyre here, he said.
I turned around and saw Benjamin standing next to
James. Both of them wearing black business suits. Benja-
min talking on his Blackberry. James walked over and
greeted Kameron.
You must be Kameron? Tamara has said great
things about you, he said, after extending his hand for a
cordial handshake.
James, is it? Nice to meet you?
Yeah man, great game in San Antonio.
Thanks.
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442
He turned and looked at me and smiled, which
gave me a sign of comfort and eased my gut-wrenching
feeling about our soon coming distance.
Dont you worry, Tamara is in safe hands, James
said. A second later, Benjamin walked up behind him and
said, She sure is.
Gentleman, give us a minute, I said, looking at
them both.
Now boarding... I could faintly hear the operator
calling for Kamerons gate and row.
Well, Ill see you later? he asked.
Next time your in Seattle, look me up, I smiled
and said.
He gently brushed the sides of my face with the
back of his fingers and kissed me like we would never see
each other again. I was starting to think he did that in front
of Benjamin on purpose.
I love you, he whispered.
I love you more.
He walked away and I stood for just a second,
watching him board his plane.
The start to this day was becoming a long one.
There I stood, back in Emerald City, awakened to a new
love. A smile graced my face. I was thrilled. I was even
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443
more thrilled to begin what the NSA proudly called an ex-
citing career opportunity. I sure hoped so.
Kennisha Hill
444
Acknowledgments
First, I have to take my Lord and Savior Jesus
Christ. Thank you Lord for gracing me with the privilege
to serve you with my pen. I'm honored to serve you.
Thank you for providing the strength, patience, and time
to get this done. My prayer is that Awakened will deliver
the messages clearly and speak to the hearts of those who
will hear.
Second, to my amazing husband, Kellus. You lis-
tened to me read this entire book, chapter by chapter, until
it was complete. That is amazing support! Although this
book is not about our love story, our story was the inspira-
tion behind it. Thank you for helping me write about love
and for being the most supportive with this project. I love
you always.
Thank you to my sweet babies, Kellus II and Ker-
issa. They were very patient with mommy when I had to
get chapters out and edit. Thank you my beautiful bless-
ings. Mommy loves you.
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445
Many people were very instrumental in providing
great support to me during this process. So, I must give a
huge thank you to my family. Mom, Dad, Keyana & Jadii,
Kevin & Courtney, Tannischa & Wesley, my sweet friend
Terrie, my beautiful DeSoto family, Augusta, Akeia and
Kerrun and my god-mother Ms. Princetta Payne, thank
you for being so supportive of my writing career. I love
and appreciate you all. Dianna Hobbs; my mentor from
across the miles, thank you for being such a great inspira-
tion and encourager to me. Youre words are always
timely. I love and appreciate you, sis!
To my author friends who encouraged me to keep
writing, Kimberly Cash Tate, Keshia Dawn, Cederick
Stewart, Justin Hart, Tricia Goyer, Mary DeMuth and Ash-
ley Weis, thank you for your friendship, wisdom and inspi-
ration.
And to my Spirit Life Church family, Pastor Steven
R. Hill, Mrs. Emilia Hill and all of my church family,
thank you for your prayers and encouragement.
Kennisha Hill
446
Book Club Discussion Points
Through the Life of Tamara
1. Like many emotionally scorned women, Tamara became
a bitter woman who put up a wall around her heart. Her
cousin, Richard, encouraged her to focus on her relation-
ship with God but her response was God and I are
straight. Im in church every Sunday. Discuss the truth
behind damaging relationships (like Tamara and Benja-
min) and how being nonchalant with your relationship
with God can only make matters worse.
2. Tamara received an email from a CIA recruiter that sud-
denly seemed to change the coarse of her life. Discuss
with each person how sometimes what we think God
wants for us is not necessarily what we will get. And,
encourage them that God still has a unique plan for our
lives, just like he did for Tamara.
3. Tamara and Benjamin found themselves in a compromis-
ing position, after he dropped her off from Carolyns
house. They were inching further and further down a
dangerous road when suddenly Tamaras cell phone rang.
Discuss the importance of Gods ability to help us get out
of situations that he knows are not good for us.
4. When Tamara didnt make it to the CIA and lost her job,
she felt she was at a dead end. Discuss that situation and
how you would have handled it. What would be the best
way?
5. After the summer, Tamara finds a job and describes her-
self as being Madison- the secretary she once had in Seat-
tle. Discuss how the tables turned, leaving Tamara in less
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447
of an authoritative position and more of a humbling one
and how this can help her redemption.
6. Tamara runs into Kameron at Copelands, while she is
getting lunch for Dr. Sparks. Discuss their first meeting.
7. Benjamin comes back into Tamaras life- this time with a
different motive. What was Benjamin trying to accom-
plish and do you think it will work with Tamara?
8. While Tamara is in San Antonio, Kameron shares with
her his feelings about her taking the new job in Seattle.
What does Kameron say and why do you think he feels
that way?
9. On the plane ride to Seattle, Tamara tells Kameron to ask
her to marry him again in six months. Why do you think
she needed more time instead of marrying him right
away?
10. Tamara is getting ready to begin a new career and a new
relationship back in Seattle, the place that caused her the
most pain. Discuss whether you think she will be able to
have the best of both worlds with Kameron, or will she
fall into Benjamins trap and break Kamerons heart?
Kennisha Hill
448
Order Copies of Awakened by visiting
www.kenniha-hil.com
Awakened
449

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