Saving the Family from Divorce

Saving the Family from Divorce

Liberty University









Saving the Family from Divorce
Abstract:
In todays society there is not an overwhelming presence of positive messages concerning
marriage. Marriage is portrayed in the media as optional, open and exploited. The sanctity of
marriage and the idea of what God has intended it to be has been perverted by the worlds view. I
am sadden that the world and the church have equal divorce rates. Divorce which was once
taboo, is now as frequent as buying a new car. As the body of Christ we have to do a better job of
leading by example, its my opinion that we can save generations if we the church encourage
healthy relationships with God and spouses within marriages that is coming up lacks proper
examples what an healthy marriage is. In this paper I will explore what it means to save the
family from divorce and what can be done to save marriages, and preserve our families.









Saving the Family from Divorce

According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology 50%
percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce (Divorce).
Even more startling is the rate of divorce is equal between those in the church and in the world.
As the body of Christ we have responsibility to set the proper example for the world, the world
should follow our example and it should not be the opposite. Its seemingly as if the value of
marriage and commitment has become insignificant regardless if one is a believer or not. This
problem is not a new problem, marriage as a whole has been on the decline for the past two
decades. There is now a perverted view of marriage with the introduction of same sex marriage
into American law, and an abundance of polyamorous relationships growing throughout the
nation. Due to scandals and a sufficient amount of poor choices on behalf of the leaders of our
churches, somewhere along the lines we mishandled marriage and Gods idea for family and
many have been confused with the worlds.
When we examine our creation account, when God first instituted the first mentioned
earthly relationship and marriage between a man and woman we realize that God had a specific
design. The bible tells us in Genesis 2 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had
taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my
bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, ' for she was taken out of man." For this
reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become
one flesh. This theme of oneness and unity does not lessen individuals to from being whole. God
wants us to be whole in our individual lives as well as our marriages.
Saving the Family from Divorce
In this first relationship between humans we see that God created us with the ability to
possess an honest, open relationship with him and with one another. The freedom in a pure
relationship was present until sin was made manifest because of the disobedience of Adam and
sin interfered with those relationships. Sin still runs interference in our lives today, whether it
be sins of omission or commission, 1
st
John 2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh,
and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. This is
what the enemy uses to continually try to destroy our marriages. Because we realize that the
enemy has a plan to destroy the family as a unit, we must realize that God has equipped us with
the proper tools to be successful in every relationship we have in our lives.
The effects of divorce can be generational, it does not only impacts the adults that are
involved but when children are involved they become the ones who suffer. Most children of
divorce will experience it at the least as a potent transient stress that disrupts virtually all aspects
of their lives (Weitzman, Adair 1988). It is not immediately evident what the reaction of a child
maybe be towards there parents divorce, but there is no one metric that can confirm what the
childs outcome will be. It is possible that children will be completely devasted and there is the
other possibility that the child will be fully functional without impact (Mahoney, Krumrei, &
Pargament 2008). Research has shown that some are not affected by the relationships of their
parents until they reach adulthood. Our family relationships serve as examples for us whether it
was healthy or unhealthy impact our prospective on relationships (Fergusson, McCleod,
&Horwood 2014). This topic is worth discussing because contrary to statistics report marriages
can work. Marriages can be saved with early intervention, proper counseling and spiritual
guidance. Even though our bible provides on what terms a divorce can be granted, it is Gods
heartbeat to keep the family together.
Saving the Family from Divorce
The Apostle Paul illustrates for us how God views marriage, our marital relationships
which is likened to the Lord's relationship with the church. If we look at the process of which
God to incorporate the church and reference as the bride of Christ this was not an overnight
process, this church was birthed over a period of time. We unfortunately live in generation were
everything is fast we are often referred to as the microwave generation because people want
things quick. The culture in the bible drove institution of marriage and what it was to look like,
today our culture seems to be leading the way in its portrayal of what defines marriage. The idea
of Marriage has become a trend and many have lost sight of being a true commitment.
As the Church we have the responsibility for revert the idea of marriage back to Gods
design between a man and a woman. There have been countless amounts of time where the
scripture it is better to marry than to burn has been incorrectly taught and preached. Marriage has
become a trend to be incorporated without Godly direction. Many Christians have been forced
into marriages for the wrong reasons just because the Pastor said so. Saving the family from
divorce really starts with proper teaching about biblical marriage. While many churches have
proclaimed marriage ministries there has not been much evidence of their effectiveness on the
overall marriage. Pastors should strongly recommend pre-marital/Christian counseling for every
couple getting married in there church. There are some unique circumstances where the Pastor of
the church would himself be single, divorced or widowed. If the Pastors themselves are divorced
they should assign a Christian couple with a healthy marriage to assist with the counseling. It is
important to teach what the correct view of marriage should be, because many today do not
know what a healthy marriage is because they have not seen one.
The bible sets the standard of what Christian love should look like, it is not characterized
by surface things but the bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is Love is patient, love is
Saving the Family from Divorce
kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-
seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6
Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth.
7
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres
(Awoyemi 2014). Understanding that at the very core of Love God is our example, Jesus gave
his life for us to be that true example of love.
A lot must be considered in between the courting and premarital phase of the relationship
this can be considered the discovery phase before marriage. One would anticipate that there are
things to be discovered about our mates during this time, your learn about them as an individual,
get an idea of their family history, learn about their past relationships all that is necessary to
determine if this is a person you want to be with long term or not. It is within this discovery
phase if there has been any red flags such as abuse or negative patterns of behavior, or something
demonstrated by yourself or a mate such as a form of addiction, low self-esteem or even
infidelity, and you are aware of it would be foolish to think that these challenges will dissipate
when you say I do. In this phase of the relationship this is an ample opportunity to be honest
about your relationship and address these concerns and end it or move towards working to a
healthy solution with a premarital or Christian counselor. The research evidence is clear that
premarital education is helpful in improving marital satisfaction and decreasing divorce
(Tambling, Glebova 2013).
Once a couple is ready to be married and move onto the next phase of getting married
they must understand the four characteristics of a healthy marriage are commitment, adaptability,
authority and communication. Marriages in our culture is more so considered a contract and not a
covenant however that is erroneous thinking , marriage is not only a commitment but it is a
covenant which requires God to be at the head, it requires a commitment to the institution and to
Saving the Family from Divorce
the relationship with your spouse. Adaptability is equally important to the married couple,
marriage is an adjustment from singleness you must have the capacity be flexible and willing to
adapt successfully to change can produce endurance in the relationship.
In the New Testament Paul describes for us in Ephesians 5:23 for the husband is the
head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. This
sense of authority does not mean that the woman is weak or less then her husband. But its from
the perspective that the husband takes on the role of Christ as the one who gave himself because
of his love for us. As with all the other characteristics being committed, having adaptability and
being submissive to authority in marriage having good communication is the common
denominator and the success of every healthy marriage. Communication can be both verbal and
nonverbal it is the pulse of every good relationship relations. In biblical marriage both spouses
communicate in an open manner about life, family and there sexual relationship, it requires equal
listening and each having the opportunity to talk so that the proper response can be given to each
spouse. While at times this may not be the reality being considerate of your spouse emotions and
protecting them should always be your intent (Balswick, Balswick 2014).
There can be many challenges within the marriage that can cause the unity of the four
characteristics to be compromised. The reality is that no marriage is perfect, at times life
circumstances can literally take your breath away. Marriage is the source of some of our deepest
feelings and emotions from love, hate and anger, to fear, sadness and joy. These emotions play a
critical role in the overall happiness of the marriage (Trathan, McCain, Bryan 2013 ). When a
mate is having difficulty with managing these emotions recognizing these issues obstacles to a
healthy relationship and working to stay attuned to each other's emotional needs is of paramount
Saving the Family from Divorce
importance ( Dunbar 2012). This emotions if unresolved will grow into greater issues and can
potentially place a superficial wedge between spouse which can led to divorce.
Some of the common themes such as not getting along, finances, growing apart,
infidelity, sexual depravity are all potential reasons why one could make the choice to end their
marriages. However, extramarital affairs led the top reason for divorce, most of the decisions that
are made that put marriages in jeopardy start with a choice. If someone chooses to isolate there
partner and go outside of their marriage and be with another person it is because the choice to do
so. Adultery is preventable, it is important to set up proper boundaries in external relationships
to avoid temptation. For example if you are a Pastor there is no reason why you should be
counseling a woman alone, if youre a supervisor you should bring in a neutral third party when
meeting with a staff member of the opposite sex when you have faced with this vice of
temptation. (Wetchler, Hecker, 2014)
The bible tells us in
8
Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil walketh
about as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. When couples are facing challenges or a
spouse is being tempted its usually during a vulnerable moment when they are drawn to the
sinful desires. When a spouse has committed adultery it is suggested that a brief separation needs
to take place for both of the spouses to process what happened. The separation should be no
longer than 90 days and should have strict guidelines for the couple to be working on themselves
individually. Faithfulness in a marriage is crucial it is what God intended, faithfulness to ones
mate are not there just to make life complicated, but because that pattern works best to bring
about long-term fulfillment and happiness for everyone involved (Penner & Penner, 2003).
Saving the Family from Divorce
When marriage can be saved we should work towards saving them, when trust has been
broken and betrayal has been experienced within marriages the next step is to re-develop the
sexual excitement between the couple by getting away alone or trying something new and
exciting sexually together. Through continuing in individual and couples counseling with putting
God in the center of their marriage, divorce will not have to take place. It is important to consider
the same amount of effort that is put into divorcing a person to whom a vow before God was
made the equal level of effort should be put into restoring the marriage and getting to a safe place
where God can heal the wounds. Both spouses must be willing to subject themselves to the
process of forgiveness in order for God to freely guide the spouses through the process of
reconciliation.
As we think back to the garden one would imagine that Adam was extremely upset with
Eve for speaking to the serpent and giving him the fruit. Adam tried to offer a defense as to why
he disobeyed God. The bible says in Genesis 3:12 and the man said, The woman whom thou
gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. If we take a moment and began to
look at this text as a husband and a wife, and look at Adams perspective because his wife gave
him the fruit to eat it and he ate it; it caused sin to enter the world and compromised there
fellowship with God. The result of their sin did not just impact them be as mentioned earlier we
are still affected by it today. When we look at the reality of this situation surely a request for
divorce could have been sufficient. But notice that even in the midst of this situation God was
still concerned about them, he spoke to them, he loved them, he still forgave them and he still
clothed them even while they had to deal with the consequence of their sin. Interestingly
enough after the judgment the bible says in the end of chapter 3 Adam named Eve because she
Saving the Family from Divorce
was the mother of all living and at the beginning of chapter 4 it says that Adam knew his wife
and she bore a son. This is an example of God being a part of the reconciliation process.
Over this past summer I observed a reality show titled Married at First Sight this was
classified as a social experiment and they were matched by experts and did not meet one another
until they were at the altar. These three couples had thirty days to live together and figure out if
they would stay married at the end of the thirty days. At their disposal was a team inclusive of a
psychologist, spiritual advisor, and a sex therapist. As a result of this experiment two couples
are still married and one opted to get a divorce. In sharing this its interesting that although I do
not agree with all of the methods that were being used. Its interesting that the world is willing to
come up with creative ways to make marriage work, and the church is lagging behind with
displaying Gods message concerning marriage on the forefront.
In conclusion, I do believe in marriage and believe that it can work. I will admit my
perspective is solely learned based from a non-marital perspective. This topic is one that I desire
to see work because I generally concerned about the churches role in marriages today and would
like to see the church play a greater role in prevent divorce and preserving the family lineage as
it was preserved in biblical times.





Saving the Family from Divorce






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Saving the Family from Divorce
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