Gospel Relationships

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Gospel Relationships
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Contents
1. Anger
2. Conflict
3. Fearing people
4. Humility
5. Gifts and service
6. Work
7. Marriage
8. Singleness
9. Parenting
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Assignment
The purpose of the assignments is to help you reflect on how the materials
can be applied in your own church context, as well as to help other
Porterbrook participants benefit from your thinking. They are designed to
help you with the materials, not to be a hurdle.
With this in mind, all assignments can be presented in either spoken or
written form you can choose what you prefer. If you are involved in
public speaking in your church context (whether it is preaching or teaching,
in a small-group Bible study, for example) we encourage you to do at least
some spoken assignments over the course. Spoken assignments will be
delivered in small groups at the residential. Participants give a presentation
lasting five to ten minutes, followed by group discussion. Written
assignments are to be brief (no more than 500 words), and can be e-mailed
prior to the residential. If you want to quote someone elses thoughts,
indicate where they come from, but your paper does not need to be
academically rigorous, with footnotes and bibliography.
Choose one of the following to present:
1. Think of a scenario where one of the following is an issue for a Christian
friend:
anger
fearing people
humility
Briefly describe the scenario and explain how you would counsel that
person with the gospel. How would it differ if they were not a Christian?
2. Using Romans 12:1-8, how would you respond to someone who comes to
you saying they are struggling to know what their gifts are?
3. Explore to what extent it is possible for:
a. a happily married couple to counsel a person who is struggling with
being single
b. a single person to counsel a couple having difficulties in their marriage
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Unit 1.
Anger
Proverbs and anger
Proverbs consistently teaches that there is a fabric to life, a pattern that runs
through everything. And unless you live in line with that fabric, you will be
unable to make wise choices about life. On the other hand, if you do live
according to the fabric of life, Proverbs promises the ability to live well. It is
just like the law of aerodynamics. If you are building a plane, you have to
obey the law of aerodynamics. If you obey it you fly; if you ignore it you die.
Proverbs promises wisdom. Wisdom is about living well; it is about getting
the most out of life! Wisdom is about becoming competent with the realities
of this world. Wisdom is about knowing how things really work. It is about
noticing how things really are. And it is about knowing what we should do
about it. Wisdom is about making good choices. Wisdom knows what to do
when the rules do not apply!
In the biblical conception of the world, the fear of the Lord is the beginning
of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10). That means that wisdom begins with faith and
repentance. Because to really understand Gods world, you need God in the
picture. The very first step, then, in biblical wisdom, is knowing God not
abstractly or theoretically, but in the concrete sense of submitting your life to
him.
Proverbs then shows us what it will look like do that. Proverbs is not a
checklist on life, but it teaches us what our actions reveal about our hearts.
And when it comes to anger, Proverbs teaches that the nature and goal of our
anger depends entirely on the orientation of our hearts to God. Live in the
fear of the Lord and you will be angry and not sin. Live outside of that fabric
of life, and in your anger you will destroy yourself and the lives of those
around you.
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Exercise
Look through the verses in the Appendix at the end of the
unit, and begin to get a feel for what Proverbs says about
anger. We will work through them as we go through this
unit. But first familiarise yourself with them.
We are going to consider what Proverbs says on anger under the following
headings:
The danger of anger
The good of anger
Why it goes wrong
The healing of anger
The danger of anger

Proverbs shows us that anger is dangerous because it can disintegrate things.
It can disintegrate the body:
Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding,
but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.
A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh,
but envy makes the bones rot. (Proverbs 14:29-30)
All kinds of research show that the effect of anger is worse on the body than
anxiety, stress, sorrow or any other emotion. Anger is harder on the heart
than the most extreme physical exertion. Nothing sets you up for heart
disease and the disintegration of your body like anger does.
Further, anger disintegrates community:
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife,
but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. (Proverbs 15:18)
the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet. (Proverbs 29:9)
A man of wrath stirs up strife,
and one given to anger causes much transgression. (Proverbs 29:22)
For pressing milk produces curds,
pressing the nose produces blood,
and pressing anger produces strife. (Proverbs 30:33)
When you get angry, you throw words around like weapons. Angry words
have an enormous amount of dangerous power. They can wound people and
destroy relationships.
Finally, anger disintegrates wisdom in other words, your ability to make
wise choices, to live well.
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but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. (Proverbs 14:29)
A quick-tempered man does foolish things. (Proverbs 14:17)
When your anger has subsided and you have cooled down, you feel like a
fool. Proverbs 14:17 says that you feel like a fool because you were a fool!
When you get angry, it distorts your view of things, your view of the
situation, yourself, the world, and others. It drives you to make foolish and
stupid choices.
The addictive nature of anger

A man of great wrath will pay the penalty,
for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again. (Proverbs 19:19)
Of all the emotions, anger is the one that is most like an addictive substance.
Anger leads you to denial. It is very hard to admit that you are angry. Instead
we say things like, Im just getting it off my chest I just cant help but
speak my mind Im standing up for what I believe in Im just looking
out for justice I just say what I see I tell it how it is I rock the boat.
The more you have anger and the problems that anger brings into your
life (disintegration of body, community, wisdom) the more you need to
get angry at other things in order to keep up the pretence that the problem is
not with you. It is just like an addiction: in order to suppress the truth that
you are addicted and out of control, you need more and more and more of
the addictive substance. The more you are angry, the more you need to be
angry. The more you need to be angry, the more you will be angry. The more
you are angry, the more you will lose control. And the more you lose control,
the more you lose total perspective on life. And the bitterness begins to eat
you up inside.
Anger separates people, and builds an almost impenetrable wall. It causes
alienation and resentment. Anger has enormous destructive power.
Reflection
In what ways have you seen the destructive power of anger in
your own life, or in the lives of those around you?
The good of anger

The Bible, however, says surprisingly positive things about anger. The ideal in
Proverbs and the ideal in the Bible is not no anger, nor is it blowing-up in anger.
The ideal is slow anger. The wise man in Proverbs is the one who is slow to
anger, not the one who never gets angry. Look again at Proverbs 14:29:
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but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.
The comparison is not between the angry one and the non-angry one. Both
are angry people. The wise man is slow to anger and has understanding, but
the foolish mans anger is described as a hasty temper: an uncontrolled
blowing-up at people. Proverbs 15:18 says this:
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife,
but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.
According to the Bible, it is just as sinful never to get angry as it is to blow up

in rage if you are angry. Ephesians 4:26 is a command: Be angry and do not
sin. It is an imperative! There are times when we should be angry, but in our
anger we should not sin: we should be slow to anger. It might seem strange
that Paul can command us to be angry. But he does so because anger is an
essential quality in the character of God. God is an angry God, but one who
uniquely never sins in his anger.
When Moses meets God on the mountain in Exodus 34 and asks God to
show him his glory, we read in verse 6:
The LORD passed before him and proclaimed, The LORD, the LORD, a God
merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and
faithfulness
That is Gods glory. Some might say, But I thought that God was supposed
to be a God of love. He is! But you cannot have a God of love without him
being a God who is slow to anger. And this is the good of anger.
If you love something and you see the thing that you love threatened, then
anger is the right response. Conversely, if you see something or someone
threatened and you do not get angry, then you do not love that person or
thing. Anger is not the opposite of love: hate is the opposite of love, and the
final form of hate is indifference. Anger in its uncorrupted origin is just love
moved to deal with a threat to someone or something that you value. Tim
Keller says this: Anger is love in motion towards someone or something that
you love when it is under threat. That means that anger is a form of love. 1
There is, therefore, no contradiction in the character of God when he
declares himself to be slow to anger and abounding in love. In fact, it is
entirely right and proper. Because if you are not moved to anger when
somebody is wronged and suffers injustice, then it is because you do not love
them and have instead become indifferent.
Keller, T. The Healing of Anger, Redeemer Presbyterian Church, New York, viewed online
http://sermons.redeemer.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&product_ID=1
8382&ParentCat=6
1
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Exercise
you most love.
Look at the things in your heart that most anger you and ask
yourself the question: What is it that I am defending when I
get angry? Your answer will reveal to you the things that
Jesus gets angry in the Gospels because he is angry at the cancer of sin that is
destroying the human race that he loves so much. Jesus is angry at the
money-changers in the temple (John 2:13-22); he is angry at the religious
leaders (Mark 3:1-6). Jesus is angry, but he does not sin.
Be angry and do not sin. Being slow to anger does not been that you bide
your time for a while and then get angry. Being slow to anger does not refer
to a time delay. Often we are good at concealing or bottling up our anger for
a time. Then, when something is triggered, we explode, like a ticking timebomb. That is not being slow to anger. That is blow-up anger with a timedelay fuse.
In Proverbs, the one who is slow to anger is the one who has understanding
of the situation from Gods perspective (Proverbs 14:29-30; 15:18). This
means that the wise man interprets situations through a gospel grid. They
see injustice and offence from Gods perspective. They see that it is Gods
glory at stake when people fail to love others. They see and match Gods
concern for the marginalised, and thus they are able to get angry and yet not
sin. Slow-to anger is a controlled, understanding, directed, God-glorifying
response to that which God loves coming under the threat of mans sin.
James 4:1-4 states that our anger is caused by the desires within our heart.
Therefore slow-to anger is not a technique to master. Rather it is the fruit
of the wise mans heart, the one who lives in the fear of the Lord and desires
the glory of God above all else. To be slow to anger is to have a heart that
values and worships and longs for the glory of God.
The Bible has a unique perspective on anger. It sees both its basic goodness
and its destructive capabilities.
Why it goes wrong

Why then do we get anger so wrong? Why does our anger fail to result in the
good of others, but in their hurt and destruction? Proverbs 24:28-29 says this:
Be not a witness against your neighbour without cause,
and do not deceive with your lips.
Do not say, I will do to him as he has done to me;
I will pay the man back for what he has done.
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In verse 29, we see an anger that is disproportionate to the cause. Our

fundamental problem as human beings is our disordered desires. There are
many things in this world that are good and worthy of our desire: family,
home, comfort, respect. Our problem is that we turn good things into
ultimate things. We look to these things to give us the happiness, significance
and self-worth that only God can give. And when we love things too much
more than God that is when our emotions get absolutely distorted.
When we turn good things into ultimate things, they become Godreplacements. When we stop looking to God for security and significance and
start looking to our idols (work, money, leisure, relationships and so on), then
we become controlled by them. The result is that all our emotions become
distorted. We end up having a disproportionate love for our idols. And when
those idols come under attack or are threatened, our disproportionate and
disordered love will lead to disproportionate and disordered anger.
Loving anger always seeks to do a surgical strike on evil. When you see a
child acting foolishly, you want to take out the cause, not the child; you want
to destroy the idiocy and not the child. You want to destroy the fool in the
child and not the child itself. That is ordered love, and in it you will be angry
and not sin. But in disordered anger, you do not go after the problem, but the
person. You do not seek restitution, but vengeance. You do not perform a
surgical strike: you slash and burn.
Instead of saying, What you did there was selfish and ungodly, we say
things like, You always do that, you always let me down, you always
disappoint me, you always say hurtful things. Instead of saying, It grieves
me to see your lack of love towards others, we say, I hate you I hate you,
I hate you, I hate you!
Bruce Waltke, commentating on the fool and his anger in Proverbs, says:
[The fool] is undisciplined and out of control; his unpredictable and passionate
hothead clouds his judgment and robs him of all sense of proportion so that he
over-reacts, bringing ruin on the community and himself. 2
Sinful anger has a distorted cause, a distorted nature and a distorted goal:
The distorted cause is not the glory of God and the good of others, but our
glory.
The distorted nature is not slow-to anger, but no anger (indifference) or
blow-up anger.
The distorted goal is not the problem, but often the whole person.
Gods anger is like a crack commando unit which sneaks into a village under
the cover of darkness to take out terrorists with a few well-aimed shots and
then disappears, leaving the village intact. God looks at his world and sees the
Waltke, B. K. The Book of Proverbs (The New International Commentary on the Old
Testament, Eerdmans, 2005)
2
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cancer of sin eating away at his good creation; he sees it corrupting the hearts
and minds of those he made to bear his image. He sees his glory being
swapped for the praise of mans glory. And God values his glory so dearly
that in his love he is moved to anger, to wrath. And so he performs a surgical
strike on our anger, by pouring out his anger onto Jesus.
The cross of Christ is the ultimate surgical strike. God takes out the power of
sin without destroying the sinner. Jesus absorbs both our anger and Gods
anger, so that God can embrace sinners. That is the good of anger. That is
slow-to anger. That is what the Bible commends.
Healing of anger
According to Proverbs, our anger is so utterly destructive because our hearts
are so foolish that they try to live without a fear of the Lord. The root cause
of sinful anger is a foolish heart:
A fool shows his annoyance at once. (Proverbs 12:16)
A fool is hot-headed and reckless. (Proverbs 14:16)
A quick-tempered man displays folly. (Proverbs 14:29)
The fool rages and scoffs. (Proverbs 29:9)
A fool gives full vent to his anger. (Proverbs 29:11)
In other words, to be angry is to act foolishly: an angry person is a fool. The

fool in the book of Proverbs is the one who bases his security, significance
and identity outside of God. We fail to get angry, or we blow up in anger
because we are not looking and interpreting the world around us through a
fear of the Lord. We are not shaping our lives around the truth of Jesus
crucified, risen, crowned and with us.
If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat,
and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,
for you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the Lord will reward you. (Proverbs 25:21-22)
To pastor those with no anger and those with blow-up anger, we need to deal
with the allegiance of their hearts. And we need to show them the cross.
There, we find supremely what it means to absorb another mans anger and
to respond with God-glorifying love. And at the cross, by the power of the
Holy Spirit, we find the power that we need to do likewise.
We need to admit it
The problem is that anger, by its very nature, is blind to objective, rational
thinking. Anger never says: I might be wrong. Moreover, people often
Page 11
minimise their anger because they like their anger. They like their anger
because it works it gets results, and people do not complain (because they
are intimidated). People may want to lose some negative consequences of
their anger, but they may not really want to lose the power, control, prestige
or authority that their anger brings. So we need to keep asking an angry
person: Do you really want to change?
We need to analyse it
The following is taken from The Open Bible Institute course on pastoral
care.3 It is based on James 3-4: key chapters for addressing anger and the
desires it reveals.
When do you get angry?

What triggers your anger? Can you spot any patterns? You may be talking
about one particular instance of anger. Asking this question enables the
person involved to tell the story. You may be talking to an angry person for
whom anger has become a common or habitual response. Identifying the
points at which a person gets angry enables you to ask what they were
wanting in that situation. It may be helpful to focus on one or two recent
instances.
Exercise
Complete the arrow part of the worksheet (#1) at the

end of the unit.
How do you get angry?

People express anger in different ways: some shout and stamp their feet;
some come out with snide or sarcastic remarks; some bottle it up and then
explode later on; some withdraw; some opt for the silent treatment. Some
people may not see their reactions as anger because they only associate anger
with rage. They may see themselves as a calm person because they do not
shout and scream. But their anger inside exhibits itself in the comments they
make or in their indifference to others. This question may help people
recognise their problem for what it is.
Read James 4:2. Here, James is addressing anger that was exhibiting itself in
killing and coveting, quarrelling and fighting. It is unlikely that murder was
literally taking place in the churches to whom James was writing. James is
reminding us that anger is murder taking place in the heart (Matthew 5:2124).
3
Chester and Timmis, Pastoral Care (Open Bible Institute, 2006), Unit 10
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Exercise
Complete the explosion part of the worksheet (#2) at the
end of the unit.
What happens when you get angry?

Read James 3:13-18. Wisdom is revealed in a good life and deeds done in
humility (verse 13). It is peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy
and good fruit, impartial and sincere. (verse 17) Envy and self-ambition, in
contrast, produce disorder and every evil practice (verse 16).
Asking What happens allows for a good retelling of the story or stories.
But it also allows you to explore the results of a persons response. It allows
you to highlight the harmful fruit that a persons anger is producing in their
life and the lives of those around them. It may help to recognise their anger
as a problem that needs addressing.
Exercise
Complete the fruit part of the worksheet (#3) at the end
of the unit.
Why do you become angry?

Read James 4:1-4. Our anger is caused by desires within. But people rarely
answer the question in this way. Ask people why they became angry and they
will usually point to external circumstances. (I was provoked. They wound
me up. It was so unfair.) We need to help people see that they chose how
to respond to those circumstances. They were not passive. Their anger was
not inevitable. It was caused by their idolatrous desires. James 1:13-15
reminds us that sin is not caused by circumstances so that we can blame
Gods providence. It is caused by our own evil desire.
Read James 4:11-12. One of the ironies of conflict situations is that we blame
the other party for their actions and we blame the other party for our actions
as well! Theyre angry because theyre in the wrong, and Im angry because
theyre in the wrong. Our sinful instinct is to judge the other party and not
ourselves. But James says: Dont play God. Dont make yourself the judge.
(See also Matthew 7:1-5.) Instead we should be judged by Gods word (4:11;
see also 1:22-25). Even if the other person was worse than us (and 4:11-12
reminds us that we are not good at judging other peoples actions and
motives), our responsibility is to repent of playing God.
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Ask people: What are you thinking? and What do you want? to identify
with them the lies about God and the idolatrous desires in their hearts. We
get angry because we are not getting something that we want. This desire has
won the battle for control of our hearts (4:1), leading to spiritual adultery
(4:4). What makes me want to wage war (4:1-2) when Christs rule should
make me want to make peace (3:17-18)?
Exercise
Complete the heart part of the worksheet (#4) at the end
of the unit.
A right response to anger

Read James 1:5. James invites us to pray for wisdom. Biblical wisdom is about
connecting biblical truth with everyday life. In the case of anger, it means
connecting anger with idolatrous desires. Earthly wisdom is to cover up
jealousy and selfish ambition with boasting and lying (3:14). The result is
disorder and evil of every kind. The wisdom that comes from heaven is to see
the world the way God does (3:13). The result is a harvest of righteousness
(3:17-18). So pray for wisdom so that those involved can understand the
causes of their anger.
Humble yourself before God

Read James 4:6-7. The desires within that cause anger are all about me:
jealousy, pride, selfishness (3:14-16). Somewhere in the middle of my anger is
the phrase: I want The solution is to humble ourselves before God. We
need to stop exalting ourselves, pursuing our wants and trying to take control.
Instead we must say: I want what God wants and Im happy that God is in
control. Anger looks down on others. We need to get lower. It is difficult to
be angry when your cry is: God, have mercy on me, a sinner (Luke 18:13).
Encourage people to practise lowliness by looking for opportunities to serve
others in a lowly place. When we come in humility to God, he gives us grace
to change (James 4:6).
Repent of your desires and anger (4:8-10)

All the time you blame other people or your circumstances, what happens to
your anger? Nothing. It goes on seething, festering, harming, spoiling. But
repentance sets us free. When we humble ourselves before God, he promises
to lift us up (4:10). When we repent of our idolatrous desires, the
provocations may still be there, but the anger and its destructive fruit are
gone.
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Exercise
Complete the scroll part of the worksheet (#5) at the end of
the unit.
Getting to the heart of anger
5. A right response to
anger (James 4:5-10)
1. When do you get angry?
4. Why do you get

angry? (James 4:1-4)
2. How do you get angry?
3. What happens when

you get angry?
(James 3:13-18)
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Appendix: Proverbs on anger

14:29-30: A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man
displays folly. A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.
12:16: A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an
insult.
14:16-17: A wise man fears the LORD and shuns evil, but a fool is hotheaded
and reckless. A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is
hated.
29:8-11: Mockers stir up a city, but wise men turn away anger. If a wise man
goes to court with a fool, the fool rages and scoffs, and there is no peace.
Bloodthirsty men hate a man of integrity and seek to kill the upright. A fool
gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
29:22: An angry man stirs up dissension; a hot-tempered one commits many
sins.
15:1: A harsh word stirs up anger.
15:18: A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension.
30:33: As churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose
produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.
22:24-25: Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate
with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.
15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath.
15:18: A patient man calms a quarrel.
16:32: Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper
than one who takes a city.
25:15: Through patience a ruler can be persuaded; a gentle tongue can break a
bone.
19:11: A mans wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an
offence.
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Unit 2.
Conflict
Reflection
Have you experienced conflict? How did you respond to it? Is
there a difference between how Christians respond and how
non-Christians respond?
Conflict is universal
It takes no long research to convince someone that conflict is universal. We
all read about it in the papers, see it on the TV, and experience it in our lives.
It permeates the whole of our existence from family relationships to the
workplace.
The Bible corroborates our experience. In Titus Paul describes a standard life,
living in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another (Titus 3:3).
Conflict comes through clearly in Pauls catalogue of the acts of the sinful
nature in Galatians: hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition,
dissensions, factions and envy (Galatians 5:20-21). This is the world into
which Jesus came; this is the world God is reconciling to himself through
Jesus; this is the world in which Gods people are called to be a faithful
witness testifying to that reconciliation.
In this unit we are going to lay the foundation for dealing with conflict. We
are going to look at the worlds approach to this problem and its solution and
compare it to the Bibles approach. This should then give us a framework for
talking about what dealing with conflict will look like in practice. Because
there are a number of angles to look at (Are you involved directly in the
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conflict? Are you an intermediary? Are you talking to one side as they use you
as a sounding board, but have no contact with the other side?), we will be
unable to address everything in this introduction to the issue. Throughout
this unit, when examining what the world has to say about conflict, we have
drawn material from examples dealing with conflict specifically in the
workplace. However the approach commended is common to other spheres
of life.
The problem according to the world

Since conflict is a glaring reality, it is not surprising that there are many and
varied responses to it. However, before one can find a solution one must first
define the problem. So in this first section we are going to look at the
statement of the perceived problem, as this will shed light on the proposed
solution.
No one seems to dispute the fact of conflict. The reason a number of people
want to tackle it is because of the result of conflict. Vicki Gerson writes:
Because conflicts between business owners and employees can interfere
with the operation of a business, it is important to know how to resolve
conflicts effectively.4 The key issue is that conflict affects business.
Apparently 24-60% of management time and energy is spent dealing with
anger. This leads to decreased productivity, increased stress among
employees, hampered performance, high turnover rate, absenteeism and at its
worst, violence and death.5
It is not only the secular world that talks this way about the problem of
conflict. This statement is from Christianity Today magazine: the rewards of
resolving conflict effectively in the church workplace are great. As tension
decreases, productivity should increase.6
The resulting effects on business and productivity are clear. A further
question arises, however, regarding the origin or causes of these conflicts.
Again the secular world presents its case. What seems to be fairly universally
recognised is that conflict arises when there is an incompatibility of desires or
expectations. There is some legitimacy to these desires and the resulting
conflict, according to Dr Tony Fiore. It is legitimate to say, Wait a minute.
Im not happy with this; I dont like whats going on. This anger must simply
be turned into positive action.7 What is illegitimate is for this discontent
this difference in expectations to become destructive: Sometimes, when
were in a position where we recognise that we are upset about something,
and we use that to our advantage, we can make that work for us, and in the
long run, actually work for the company.
4
www.nfib.com/object/3455177.html
5 www.conflict911.com/guestconflict/win-winconflict.html
6 www.christianitytoday.com/yc/9y2/9y2060.html
7 www.conflict911.com/guestconflict/win-winconflict.html
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These things, however, are not isolated from other factors that feed into the
rise of conflict. According to the article in Christianity Today, the things that
feed conflict are: a growing sense of hopelessness about economic progress;
the loss of traditional family structures; the waning of community support;
and technological advances which cause some to struggle to keep up.
Reflection
In your experience, what are the effects of conflict in the
workplace?
The problem according to the Bible

According to the secular world, problems arise when different peoples
interests are in conflict: when my desire or expectation about my job is
different from yours. This can be fed by other unsettling movements in our
culture. Interestingly, the Bible paints a similar picture of the reason for
conflict. Indeed, it sees this as inevitable. Yet it does not attach the same
legitimacy to it.
To examine this in more detail we will look at James 4, where we are given
one of the clearest statements about conflict in the whole Bible:
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Dont they come from your desires
that battle within you? You want something but dont get it. You kill and covet, but
you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because
you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with
wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. (James 4:1-3)
The analysis is similar to that of the world. The problem arises when my
desire for something comes into contact with your desire for something else.
When the two are incompatible, there is conflict as we fight to achieve our
desire. But is this a legitimate conflict that simply needs airing and
compromise? Not according to James. In 3:14-16, James talks about a type of
wisdom that is based around selfish ambition and envy. This kind of
wisdom results in the disorder that we see all around us. It is this disorder
which James goes on to address in more detail in chapter 4. The stunning
thing is that this wisdom is not only earthly, not only unspiritual, but of the
devil himself. What is demonstrated is the opposite of humility and in this
we take after the devil, the one who wanted to be God. This selfish ambition
comes out in 4:2: our desires rule us, and when we do not get what we want,
we pursue them in conflict. We are blindly self-sufficient: we refuse to ask
God for what we desire (verse 2), and even when we do ask we are still
pursuing those things in a self-centred way (verse 3).
One thing that often pervades conflict is judgmentalism. As David Powlison
puts it, In an argument, you offend ME by crossing my will. I respond by
confessing your offences to you. At the same time, I explain to you how all
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my failings are really your fault.8 We stand above the other person, shifting
blame, accusing, and claiming innocence. This is precisely what Satan does.
He is a liar and an accuser (John 8:44; Rev 12:10).9 He stands in the place of
God as judge, but illegitimately so. When we judge, we do the same. James
4:12 says this: There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to
save and destroy. But you who are you to judge your neighbour? A
disturbing picture starts to emerge. In acting as judge we seek to be God.
However in reality we succeed only in imitating the devil.10
It is interesting to note that James does not say that it is evil desires that lead
to conflict. Rather it is simply desires. What leads to fights and quarrels is
simply not getting what we want. It is when our desires are not met that we
launch our attack. The problem then is not the desire, per se, but the status it
has now received as something that must be met. My desire for a good thing
has moved from simply being a desire to being a need. Even if it is a
genuine need, like food, water or even relationships, the key thing is it has
now become a demand. Again, we are playing God as we make this
demand on others to meet our desires.
Reflection
Think back to a conflict situation in which you have been
involved. What desires had become needs?
The solution according to the world

It becomes clear, then, that the diagnosis of the problem is not as similar as
we might have first thought. Whereas the world sees the rule of our desires as
legitimate, the Bible sees this rule as quite literally diabolical. And with
different diagnoses there will inevitably be different solutions offered.
Since the rule of these desires is taken for granted, but the clash of conflicting
desires in different people results in disorder, the solution is to find a way in
which these desires can live in harmony. Compromise is agreed upon and the
business continues.
To achieve this goal certain action needs to be taken. Vicki Gerson talks
about the importance of good verbal communication. If there is going to be
compromise between these conflicting desires, there must be the feeling that
the desires are valued enough to be accommodated. Another website talks
about how it is important to gather information so that there is a level of
partnership going on in the conflict resolution. Here you are trying to get to
David Powlison, Getting to the Heart of Conflict: Anger, Part 3, The Journal of Biblical
Counselling (Fall 1997), 34
9 Ken Sande, Judging Others: The Danger of Playing God, The Journal of Biblical Counselling
(Fall 2002)
10 Powlison, Getting to the Heart of Conflict, 37
8
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the underlying interests, needs and concerns. Ask for the other persons
viewpoint and confirm that you respect his or her opinion and need his or
her co-operation to solve the problem.11 If we get a even a sense that the
other person will not accommodate our desires, then the conflict will reemerge. Why? Because the defence and survival of our desires are paramount.
It is interesting that this same website emphasises talking about the issues in
objective terms and keeping personality out of the discussion, asking
questions such as: Is it effecting work performance? Damaging the delivery
to the client? Disrupting team work? Hampering decision making? It is
important to show the other person that dealing with this conflict, even if
there is compromise, is in fact in their own self-interest.
There is no reason in the secular mind to address the issue of the rule of our
desires, as this is perfectly natural for someone not living under Gods rule. A
plaster is applied to the problem. As with all plasters, however, they
eventually become wet and old, and begin to fall off. The problem has not
been dealt with at a deeper level, and so it appears again. The result? Further
compromise must be reached in order to institute another temporary
semblance of peace.
Reflection
Think again about a conflict in which you have been
involved. What solution to the conflict, if any, was reached?
The solution according to the Bible

As we all know, these skin-deep solutions cannot last. We may be able to
convince someone for a while that it is in their self-interest to resolve this
issue, but when something more appealing to their self-interest arises, the
conflict will reignite. The reason for this is that the diagnosis is wrong, and so
the solution is inevitably flawed.
The solution according to the Bible is first to recognise the problem. The
problem is that we are putting ourselves in the place of God, judging others.
We have to see that our desires are ruling instead of Christ. We have become
enemies of God as we pursue this friendship with the world (James 4:4).
Notice the perspective here. James does not address the problem of the other
person, as we so often do in conflict. Instead, he addresses the problem in us.
So the next step after recognising this problem is to do something about it.
We need to submit to God (James 4:7) instead of submitting to the rule of
our desires; we need to run from the devil (4:7) instead of imitating him. We
need to come near to God, washing our hands of this action, purifying our
hearts of this idol worship (4:8). Instead of haughtily judging others, we
11
www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_81.htm
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should humbly come before the Lord. Our action should reflect this new
recognition of our position before God. We should no longer put others
down again, this is something so common in conflict as we use any means
of attack at our disposal in order to pursue the victory for our desires.
But can we actually do this, given that conflict is so prevalent? The wonderful
promise that James gives us is that God gives grace to the humble(4:6). He
is the one who provides the means for a change of rule in our lives. He
makes it possible for us to lay aside our desires and needs for the sake of
other people, just as Jesus did (see Philippians 2:5-11).
This approach is, of course, what Jesus himself talked about in Matthew 7:5:
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, then you will see
clearly to remove the speck from your brothers eye. If we do not first deal
with our own sin, no matter how much or how little we have contributed to
the conflict, then we show we have not recognised the problem. We are still
living in the delusion that we are God and can judge others. Once we have
removed our own plank, however, we can indeed see better to help the other
person. This is not because we are now perfect, but because we are now in a
position of humility, recognising our own sin and need of forgiveness.
In order to deal with conflict, we first of all need to do some soul-searching.
We need to ask ourselves: Why are we involved in this particular conflict?
What desire is driving us to this place? What need are we grasping hold of?
When we have done this we will have removed one side of the problem.
What is important to note, however, is that there is no biblical promise that
this will result in the other person doing the same. We may have dealt with
our ruling desire, but the other person may not, whether they are a Christian
or not. As a result, the conflict may continue to some degree. Peter does have
some important things to say to us if we find ourselves in such a position (1
Peter 2:13-4:6). However, we are not going to spend time looking at that area.
Instead we are going to look at the opportunity conflict presents for
displaying and talking about the gospel.
Conflict resolution as a gospel

opportunity
If the above analysis is correct, then what conflict shows in action is our basic
sinfulness. We see our desires ruling instead of God. We see the
consequences of Genesis 3 as we seek to assert our dominance over someone
else. This problem was addressed by Jesus when he died and rose again. He
removed the barrier to relationships. So now he calls all people to turn from
their lives of conflict and self-rule, and to come under his kingship among his
people. The Bible is clear that coming under Jesus rule means becoming like
him. We are to be a people who are humble, not proud, who recognise our
own sin rather than emphasising others and diminishing our own. We are to
be people who put aside our desires and even our needs for the sake of
Page 22
others. After all, in one sense Jesus needed relationship with his Father:
when that was removed he experienced death. And yet he was willing to give
up his need for the sake of others. That is not only what we are called to as
Christians, but is in fact what we call others to in evangelism.
It is quite clear, then, that conflict presents a great opportunity for telling this
story and calling people to repentance. We do not need to argue from
newspapers or art or past experiences or possible future experiences to
illustrate our sin and our desire for self-rule. We can point people to an
example in the present, with all of its destructive effects. And we can show
people that the reason they are in this conflict that is they are living for
themselves: their desires are ruling and they will go to any lengths to assert
their dominance, even over others.
Once we have established this, we can demonstrate the inadequacies of other
approaches to resolving this conflict, showing how they simply reinforce the
legitimacy of the dominance of our desires: they call only for compromise. It
is quite clear from most peoples experiences that this simply fails to deal with
the conflict in the long run. Having done this, we can then show a better way.
We can call people to lay aside their claims of being god. After all, Jesus laid
aside his rights, even though he was God. We can show them how he did that
so we can be forgiven for our false claims. And what is more, God now
enables us to forgive and even to choose to be wronged.
Let me give an example. A few years ago I was in a band set up by an older
man who was a regular at an open mic night we used to go to. There were six
of us in the band to start with. None of the others were Christians. By
Christmas we were down to just two of the original members including me.
What had happened? There were clearly fights for dominance going on.
People thought, Its my band and Im god! The result was conflict. I would
get regular phone calls from Harry, the organiser of the band. He would
complain to me about what the others were doing, about their lack of
commitment. One time I suggested to him that he might forgive one of the
other people involved in this conflict. His response was, What? After all hes
done to me? I tried to point out that that was the point of forgiveness. But it
seemed to be something beyond his comprehension.
In another conversation we got talking about the conflicts again. He has a
strange view of me that I am some kind of saint who is never phased by
anything. He said something to this effect and I responded by saying, I do
get annoyed at people sometimes! He asked what I do when someone lets
me down. I explained that if they were a Christian then we would have a
common commitment to wanting to be like Jesus. So we would talk about
why they let me down and how that was living for self (or something to that
effect). He then asked what I would do with a non-Christian. I thought about
it for a moment and then said that I would actually do something very similar.
I said that, whether we believe in God or not, we all recognise that we want
things to be our own way: we want to be god. We hate it or at least we
hate the results but we all do it. The same challenge therefore applies to
Page 23
the non-Christian as to the Christian at this point: Come under the one who
truly is King!
This was a situation in which I was mediating. If I were involved in the
conflict itself, the first step would be for me to model this gospel attitude to
the other person. I should ask for forgiveness from them and from God, and
accept whatever the consequences were for example, being viewed as
entirely in the wrong, or facing the sack if this happens in the workplace. If
the relationship is such that conversation can continue and this approach
can make that possible when it previously was impossible then I could
begin to talk with the other person about Jesus better way.
Reflection
What situations of conflict are there currently in your
church? Among your unbelieving friends? At work? How
could you apply some of the principles you have learned
through this unit in those situations?
Page 24
Unit 3.
Fearing people
The objectives of this unit are to be able to identify pastoral issues that are
caused by the fear of others, and to offer hope to those who suffer from codependency.
The fear of others

One common reason we sin is that we crave the approval of other people or
we fear their rejection. We need the acceptance of others and so we are
controlled by them. The Bibles term for this is the fear of man. The fear of
others is a common underlying cause of sinful behaviour and negative
emotions. Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the
LORD is kept safe. (Proverbs 29:25)
The fear of others enslaves us (being me-centred)

In his book When People are Big and God is Small, Ed Welch lists the following
symptoms of the fear of man:12
Have you ever struggled with peer pressure?
Are you over-committed? Do you find it hard to say no even when
wisdom indicates that you should? You are a people-pleaser, a
euphemism for the fear of man.
Do you need something from your spouse? Do you need your spouse to
listen to you? Respect you?
Edward T. Welch, When People are Big and God is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency,
and the Fear of Man (P&R, 1997), 14-17. This section draws heavily on Welch and on chapter
eight of Tim Chester, The Busy Christians Guide to Busyness (IVP, 2006).
12
Page 25
Is self-esteem a critical concern for you? If self-esteem is a recurring

theme for you, chances are that your life revolves around what others
think. You reverence or fear their opinions. You need them to buttress
your sense of well-being and identity.
Do you ever feel as if you might be exposed as an impostor? It means
the opinions of other people especially their possible opinion that you
are failure are able to control you.
Are you always second-guessing decisions because of what other people
might think? Are you afraid of making mistakes that will make you look
bad in other peoples eyes?
Do you feel empty or meaningless? If you need others to fill you, you
are controlled by them.
Do you easily get embarrassed? If so, people and their perceived opinions
probably define you. Or, to use biblical language, you exalt the opinions of
others to the point where you are ruled by them.
Do you ever lie, especially the little white lies? What about cover-ups
where you are not technically lying with your mouth? Lying and other
forms of living in the dark are usually ways to make ourselves look better
before other people. They also serve to cover our shame before them.
Do other people often make you angry or depressed? If so, they are
probably the controlling centre of your life.
Do you avoid people? If so, even though you might not say that you need
people, you are still controlled by them.
Arent most diets dedicated to impressing others? The desire for the
praise of men is one of the ways we exalt people above God.
When you compare yourself with other people do you feel good about
yourself? [Your life is] still defined by other people rather than God.
Have you ever been too timid to share your faith in Christ because others
might think you are an irrational fool?
Reflection
Review the symptoms above. Are any true in your life? Can
you identify particular people who govern your behaviour?
What all these behaviours have in common is that people matter more to us than
God. We crave the acceptance or affirmation of other people or we fear their
censure or rejection. It may be other people in general, but more often it is
particular individuals. It may be a gang of friends at school and we will do
whatever is needed to fit in. It may be a spouse whose affirmation we crave.
It may be a boss or co-worker whose attitude can make or ruin our day.
We talk about needing something from people their love, respect, praise
or acceptance. People often say things like: If only my husband would
respect me If only my children obeyed me If only she would praise
me We see ourselves as people who need something from someone else.
But these needs are really (often legitimate) desires than have become
Page 26
controlling desires. As a result, we are controlled by other people. Our

actions are governed by them. We do whatever we think we must to gain
their approval or avoid their rejection. The failure to gain their acceptance
produces negative responses in our hearts, like anger, bitterness or
depression. Our hearts are ruled by other people.
Fear in the face of genuine threat is natural and necessary. It is a trigger for
action. But in such situations we should turn in faith to God (Psalm 27:1-4;
56:3-4). What the Bible calls the fear of man is natural fear unregulated by
faith in God. As a result we look for salvation in other people rather than in
God.
We need to recognise the fear of man as a form of idolatry. Ed Welch says:
We exalt other people and their perceived power above God. We worship them as
either ones who have God-like exposing gazes (shame-fear) or God-like ability to
fill us with esteem, love, admiration, acceptance, respect and other psychological
desires (rejection-fear) They are worshipped because we perceive that they have
power to give us something. We think they can bless us Using people to meet
our desires leaves us enslaved to them. 13
When we are ruled by other peoples expectations or approval then we have

made other people our god and saviour. The underlying idol, however, is self.
When we crave approval and affirmation from other people we are, in effect,
wanting them to worship us.
Our culture attempts to overcome the fear of man by boosting self-esteem.
But in actual fact this compounds the problem. We become dependent on
whoever or whatever will bolster our self-esteem. Low self-esteem is a form
of thwarted pride because we do not have the status we think we deserve.
The fear of God liberates us (becoming God-centred, not me-centred)

The answer to the fear of man is the fear of God. We need a big view of
God. To fear God is to respect, worship, trust and submit to God. To fear
God is to have a proper appreciation of his holiness, majesty, glory, power,
love and wrath. Christians can now call God our Father, and fear in the sense
of terror has been taken away. The writer of Hebrews says we can approach
God with confidence because of the work of Jesus our High Priest (Hebrews
4:14-16). But the writer of Hebrews also says that our God is a consuming
fire whom we must worship with reverence and awe (Hebrews 10:28-29).
The Bible says that we can teach and learn the fear of God (Deuteronomy
4:10; 17:18-19; 31:12; Psalm 34:9-11). When people are controlled by the
expectations of others, we need to teach them the fear of the LORD.
Encourage them to meditate on Gods glory, greatness, holiness, power,
splendour, beauty, grace, mercy and love. Encourage them to compare the
person(s) they fear with God. Ask them to imagine that person next to God.
13
Edward T. Welch, When People are Big and God is Small (P&R, 1997), 44-46
Page 27
Who is the most majestic? Who is the most loving? Who is the holiest? Who
is the most beautiful? Who is the most threatening? Who is the biggest?
Reflection
Read Psalm 27. Often the Psalmists bring their fears to
God. In the face of some threat, the Psalmist speaks the
truth about God to himself. He reminds himself of Gods
greatness so that fear of others is replaced by trust in God. Their fears are
real enough. But they are transformed by faith in God. Trace the
movement from fear to faith in Psalm 27.
Read Psalms 91-99; Isaiah 40 and Matthew 10:28-31. How might you use
these passages to pastor someone who craved the approval of others or
feared their rejection?
The fear of God sets us free to love other people

We are not free to love other people when we fear their rejection or crave
their approval. We may speak of loving someone, but in reality we are using
them to gain the affirmation that we crave. We may serve them, but in reality
we are serving our need for affirmation. If they do not deliver that
affirmation, then we respond with bitterness, depression or anger.
The fear of God sets us free to love other people (Galatians 5:13). We take
other peoples expectations seriously because we want to love them. But we
are no longer controlled by their expectations because we are now ruled by
Gods expectations. We are able to love them selflessly and not for the
approval, affection or security they might give us in return.
Consider a father who craves the respect of his children. When that respect is
not forthcoming, he may discipline them out of anger or he may manipulate
them through bribery. He is not serving their needs. He is motivated by his
need for respect rather than selfless love for his children. As a result, his
discipline may well be counter-productive. Imagine now that the fear of God
relativises his desire for respect. The respect of his children is no longer
determinative in the way he behaves towards them. As a result, he is free to
discipline them in love according to their needs.
The fear of God sets us free to be ourselves

When we fear other people, we act in whatever way we think will enable us to
gain their approval or avoid their rejection. We are not free to behave as we
want. We behave instead according to what we perceive that other people
want. Consider a teenage girl who is desperate to fit in at school. She will
behave in whatever way she thinks is cool. It is not wrong to want to fit in,
but when this desire rules our hearts we are no longer free to be ourselves.
Page 28
She will not listen to the music she likes, wear the clothes she likes, or read
the books she likes. Instead her behaviour is determined by her peers.
We often fear other people because we fear exposure. I wear a mask to
prevent people from discovering the real me. In God we have someone who
knows us completely in all our need and sin. Yet still he accepts us and loves
us. Confidence in the grace of God means we need not fear exposure and so
we do not have to pretend. We can be ourselves.
Reflection
Can you think of people for whom the fear of man is a
significant issue? How does this fear manifest itself in their
lives? What could you say to help them?
Page 29
Unit 4.
Humility
Exercise
What is humility? Without consulting a dictionary, come up
with a working definition. Then ask four other people the
same question and make a note of their answers.
The humility of Jesus

What do you want me to do for you? It was a strange question for Jesus to
ask the blind man who had called out to him for mercy. Surely it was
obvious: Rabbi, let me recover my sight (Mark 10:51). The blind man wants
to see. Jesus words, however, echo his response to another recent delegation.
James and John, the sons of Zebedee, had come up to him and said to him,
Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you. And he had
said to them, What do you want me to do for you? And they had said to
him, Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your
glory (Mark 10:35-37).
The word-for-word repetition of Jesus question to the blind man and the
sons of Zebedee highlights the link between the two events. James and John
are blind. They do not see the true nature of Jesus kingship and kingdom.
They want the positions of highest honour and the top jobs in the coming
kingdom. But Jesus says, You do not know what you are asking. Are you
able to drink the cup that I drink, or to be baptised with the baptism with
which I am baptised? (Mark 10:38). The route to the throne is via the cross.
When the blind man receives his sight, he follows Jesus on the way. In
Mark 8-10, that way is the way to the cross. Those who truly see, see that
following Jesus means following the way of the cross. They see the true
nature of honour, authority and greatness in the kingdom of God.
Sandwiched between these two stories Jesus says to the twelve disciples:
Page 30
You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them,
and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you.
But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would
be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be
served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Mark 10:42-45)
Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, says Peter,
for God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble (1 Peter 5:5). It
may well be that Peter had in mind the example of Jesus on the night before
he died. John 13 describes how Jesus got up from the meal, took off his
outer clothing, and wrapped a towel round his waist (verse 4). He clothed
himself with the apron of humility. And then he poured water into a basin
and began to wash his disciples feet (verse 5). While we vie for positions of
honour, Jesus was wearing an apron. While we pursue power and cling to
authority, Jesus was among us as one who serves. While we compete for
publicity or esteem, Jesus was at our feet.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer says we are to hide our righteousness from ourselves:
When you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right
hand is doing (Matthew 6:3). Our task, comments Bonhoeffer, is simply
to keep on following, looking only to our Leader who goes on before, taking
no notice of ourselves or of what we are doing. We must be unaware of our
own righteousness, and see it only in so far as we look unto Jesus: then it will
seem not extraordinary, but quite ordinary and natural.14
Pride wrecks our walk with God

For thus says the One who is high and lifted up,
who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy:
I dwell in the high and holy place,
and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly,
and to revive the heart of the contrite. (Isaiah 57:15)
The One who is high and lifted up does not dwell with the powerful. He
does not live with the great ones of this world. His ways are utterly unlike our
own. The One who is high and who dwells in a high place lives with him who
is of a lowly spirit. The One whose name is Holy and who dwells in a holy
place lives with those who are contrite.
Pride is the main impediment to Christian growth. Where there is no
humility, there is no growth. Scripture says: God opposes the proud but
gives grace to the humble Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will
lift you up (James 4:6, 10; see also 1 Peter 5:5). Humility is the secret to
receiving grace. As Jack Miller says, grace flows downhill.15 Grace and
humility are in symbiotic relationship: grace makes us humble; humility makes
us receptive to grace. Grace gives us a true estimation of ourselves by nature:
14
15
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship (SCM, 1959), 142

C. John Miller, The Heart of a Servant Leader: Letters from Jack Miller (P&R, 2004), 267
Page 31
we are children of disobedience. And grace gives us true estimation of

ourselves in Christ: we are children of the living God.
I want to be known for my holiness. But that desire impedes me from
actually becoming holy. Pride makes holiness my boast and that cuts me off
from my only hope: the grace of God (James 4:6). Pride hides sin and that
cuts me off from the help of other Christians. Pride leads to self-justification,
self-righteousness, self-improvement: we rely on ourselves. Pride blinds me
to my sin so that it goes unaddressed and unrepented of. Or pride minimises
or excuses sin so I never deal with it violently. Every day I struggle between
the desire to be known as holy and a desire actually to be holy; I struggle
between pride and humility. The truth I need to keep telling myself is that
reputation is a small price to pay for the joy of knowing more of God and
reflecting his glory. I imagine myself admired by the crowd and myself with
God, and being with God seems the far better option. But when I am among
the crowd the struggle begins again.
Reflect
Puritan Richard Mayo, in a sermon on The Prevention and
Cure of Spiritual Pride, says pride is a big-bellied sin; most of
the sins that are in the world are the offspring and issue of
pride. Here are some examples he gives:
Covetousness because you believe you deserve something more than
others.
Ungodly ambition because you believe that you are the most qualified,
and the idea of someone else being preferred over you is an insult to
your perceived worth.
Boasting because everyone should know who you are and what you
have accomplished.
Contention because in picking fights you feel a sense of superiority over
those who may (or may not) be in error.
Unthankfulness because you deserve everything you get.
Selfishness because others do not look out for you.
Self-deceit because it is easier to believe you are something, when in
fact you are nothing.
A judgmental attitude because you believe the errors of others are much
more serious than your own.
Gossip because you look so much better when telling others how
awful someone else is. Mayo says that the proud endeavour to build
their own praise upon the ruins of others reputation.
Complaining because God should have consulted you before
orchestrating the events of your day or life.
Hypocrisy because you must hide the truth, your own failures, in order
to avoid shame and accumulate praise.16
16
Summarised in Joe Thorn, Thoughts on Pride (www.joethorn.net, 29 August 2007)
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Pride wrecks my relationship with other

people
C. S. Lewis defines humility as self-forgetfulness.17 When you meet a humble
person you do not leave them thinking, What a humble person! You leave
thinking, That person was really interested in me. Pride is always drawing
attention to ourselves. It may do so very subtly in ways that have the
veneer of humility. But pride is self-centred. Imagine a church where
everyone is trying to prove themselves. Imagine you want people to think
well of you or admire your good works. Even if you do not feel proud now,
you would like to reach a point where you could be proud! If that is what you
are like, you will never serve God and you will never serve other people. All
your actions will be self-serving. The aim of your actions will be to make you
well regarded.
Pride is also a fragile thing. It is fragile because it is false. We want an
estimation of ourselves that does not fit the facts. We want to think of
ourselves as good people when in fact we are deeply infected with sin.
Because pride is so fragile it needs constant reinforcement:
We look for affirmation from others. We fish for compliments. We act
towards others not out of selfless love, but out of a self-serving desire for
their regard.
We delight in other peoples failures and weakness because they bolster
our standing (either in our eyes or in the other eyes of other people). Last
time you talked about the failures of another person, did you enjoy the
conversation or did you grieve as you talked?
We patronise people. Patronising people is pride dressed up as
compassion. Patronising is what we do when we think we are better than
someone else, but we know we should treat them with humility. The
problem is that people know when they are being patronised and they do
not like it.
Pride has, in my experience, a devastating effect on mission among
marginalised people. We can approach the poor as feckless or ignorant and
in love try to help them. They react badly to our patronising selfrighteousness, but that just confirms our sense of superiority. The solution is
not to pretend that the poor are never feckless or ignorant for often they
are. The solution is to have a true estimation of ourselves as poor, blind,
broken sinners in desperate and continual need of Gods grace.
Humility cannot be achieved

The example of Jesus is not enough. On its own, it leaves us with an
unattainable model. Worse, it can be a self-defeating model. In The Screwtape
17
C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters (Geoffrey Bles, 1942), 71-73
Page 33
Letters, C. S. Lewis creates a fictional correspondence between two demons

outlining the strategies to be employed to harm Christians.
Your patient has become humble; have you drawn his attention to the fact? All
virtues are less formidable to us once the man is aware that he has them, but this is
especially true of humility. Catch him at the moment when he is really poor in spirit
and smuggle into his mind the gratifying reflection, By Jove! Im being humble,
and almost immediately pride pride at his own humility will appear. If he
awakes to the danger and tries to smother this new form of pride, make him proud
of his attempt and so on, through as many stages as you please. But dont try
this too long, for fear you awake his sense of humour and proportion, in which case
he will merely laugh at you and go to bed.18
Humility cannot be achieved! Humility does not consist in trying to convince

ourselves that our abilities are less valuable than they really are clever
men trying to believe they are fools. The great thing, advises the demon
Screwtape with his inverted logic, is to make him value an opinion for some
quality other than truth, thus introducing an element of dishonesty and makebelieve Since what they are trying to believe may, in some cases, be
manifest nonsense, they cannot succeed in believing it and we have the
chance of keeping their minds endlessly revolving on themselves in an effort
to achieve the impossible.19 If humility is self-forgetfulness, it will never be
attained through continual self-monitoring. But if humility is selfforgetfulness, how are we to remember to forget ourselves?
The great English Puritan John Owen may help us. He said: There are two
things that are suited to humble the souls of men, and they are, first, a due
consideration of God, and then of themselves of God, in his greatness,
glory, holiness, power, majesty, and authority; of ourselves, in our mean,
abject, and sinful condition.20 We look at ourselves through the prism of
Gods glory, seeing ourselves as small creatures of a vast God and unworthy
servants of a great King. We look at other people through the prism of
Christs cross, seeing ourselves as sinners saved by grace pointing other
sinners to the fountain of grace.
The glory of God

He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:8)
The call to walk humbly before God is addressed in Micah 6 to you, O

man. The word man is an expression that emphasises our creatureliness. It
is the Hebrew word adam from which the first man takes his name. We are
transported back to Eden and our fashioning by God from the dust from
C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters (Geoffrey Bles, 1942), 71-72
Op. cit., 72-73
20 John Owen, On Indwelling Sin in Overcoming Sin and Temptation, eds. Kelly M. Kapic and
Justin Taylor (Crossway, 2006), 282
18
19
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the ground (Genesis 2:7). We are put in our place. Man is frequently used in
the Old Testament as a contrast to divine power and glory, stressing what is
creaturely in the human constitution. Here it is intended to remind the people
of their subordination to God and to cut them down to size after their
presumptuous retort. 21
Humility begins with a vision of God and his glory. We remember our place
in the universe. We were made for Gods glory. He, and not me, is the
almighty, the Holy One, the Creator, robed in splendour. He, and not me, is
central and sovereign. Gods aseity, immutability, eternity and omnipresence
humble us. They are the attributes theologians call incommunicable, for we
cannot share them, not even in part. Matthew Henry said: The greatest and
best man in the world must say, By the grace of God I am what I am; but
God says absolutely and it is more than any creature, man or angel, can
say I am that I am.22 The Puritan Thomas Watson says: When we have
done anything praiseworthy, we must hide ourselves under the veil of
humility, and transfer the glory of all we have done to God.23
The earth is part of our suns solar system. But our sun is only one star
among 100,000,000,000 that make up our galaxy, the Milky Way. The Milky
Way is so vast that light travelling at 186,000 miles a second takes 100,000
years to pass from one end to the other. And yet the Milky Way itself is only
one galaxy among at least 100,000,000 others. Isaiah tells us that God marked
off the heavens with the breadth of his hand (Isaiah 40:12). It is a spatial
metaphor for a God who exists outside of space, but it give us a sense of the
scale of God: the whole universe fits in his hand. Hold you hand up: the
universe is that big to God. If we ever think we are important or necessary or
great then we have been afflicted with a massive and preposterous loss of
perspective.
God is not only glorious, but his glory is our chief end. Pride is not just a sin,
but part of the very definition of sin. Pride puts us in the place of God. We
turn from our chief end of glorying God and make our chief end glorifying
ourselves. C. J. Mahaney speaks of cosmic plagiarism.24 To pursue honour,
praise or pre-eminence is a sinful pursuit that seeks to rob God of his glory.
We reveal that we value the praise of ourselves above the praise of God. We
reveal that we value approval from people above approval from God.
This is why humility is a paradigm of repentance. To humble ourselves before
God is to repent of our god-complex. This is why to walk humbly before our
God is what God requires. This is what is good. We turn from our desire
to be God and submit to the sovereign rule of God. In Isaiah 66:1 the LORD
proclaims his glory: Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool. He
Leslie C. Allen, The Books of Joel, Obadiah, Jonah and Micah, NICOT (Eerdmans, 1976), 371
Matthew Henry, An Exposition of the Old and New Testament (John Nisbet, 1903), comment
on Exodus 3:11-15
23 Thomas Watson, A Body of Practical Divinity (Archibald Fullarton, 1832), 16
24 C. J. Mahaney, Humility: True Greatness (Multnomah, 2005), 80
21
22
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does not depend on humanity in any way: What is the house that you would
build for me, and what is the place of my rest? All these things my hand has
made, and so all these things came to be, declares the Lord. (verses 1-2)
But, he continues, this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble
and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word (verse 2).
The cross of Jesus

The life of Jesus provides a wonderful model of humility to follow. But if we
want to be humble people we must move from looking at the life of Jesus to
look at the cross of Jesus. His life shows us humility; his cross humbles us. It
is at the cross that we see ourselves as we really are. Here are two quotes
from the two greats (in the spirit of Mark 10:43) of twentieth-century
British evangelicalism, Martyn Lloyd-Jones and John Stott:
There is only one thing I know of that crushes me to the ground and humiliates me
to the dust, and that is to look at the Son of God, and especially contemplate the
cross Nothing else can do it. When I see that I am a sinner that nothing but
the Son of God on the cross can save me, Im humbled to the dust Nothing but
the cross can give us this spirit of humility. 25
The cross tells us some very unpalatable truths about ourselves, namely that we are
sinners under the righteous curse of Gods law and we cannot save ourselves. Christ
bore our sin and curse precisely because we could gain release from them in no
other way. If we could have been forgiven by our good works, by being circumcised
and keeping the law, we may be quite sure that there would have been no cross (cf.
Galatians 2:21). Every time we look at the cross Christ seems to be saying to us, I
am here because of you. It is your sin I am bearing, your curse I am suffering, your
death I am dying. Nothing in history or in the universe cuts us down to size like
the cross. All of us have inflated views of ourselves, especially in self-righteousness,
until we have visited a place called Calvary. It is there, at the foot of the cross, that
we shrink to our true size.26
On the cross we see our sin and we are cut down to size. And on the cross
we see Gods grace. Micah 6:8 calls on us to walk humbly with your God.
Your God here is one half of the covenant formulation: You shall be my
people and I shall be your God. The other half comes earlier, in verse 3: O
my people, what have I done to you? How have I wearied you? Answer me!
The people have nothing to say in response and so God answers his own
question: For I brought you up from the land of Egypt and redeemed you
from the house of slavery, and I sent before you Moses, Aaron, and Miriam
(verse 4). God is being ironic: the wearying thing that God did for his people
was not wearying at all it was to redeem them by his grace. The wording is
taken from the introduction to the Ten Commandments: I am the Lord
your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of
slavery (Exodus 20:2). The people find Gods law wearying, but they have
forgotten that it was set in the context of redemption and grace. The
kindness or mercy that we are to love in verse 8 is the Hebrew word
25
26
cited in C. J. Mahaney, Humility: True Greatness (Multnomah, 2005), 66

John Stott, The Message of Galatians (IVP, 1968), 179
Page 36
chesed covenant love, faithful love, loving kindness. It is not first and
foremost our love, but Gods covenant faithfulness to his people. It is the love
for his people to which God binds himself in covenant promises. It is Gods
gracious loving kindness to us that creates both the foundation and pattern
for our loving kindness to others.
Micah writes to a culture obsessed by money. What is good is measured by
the people in monetary terms, much as it is in our day. Verses 6-7 apply the
same values to our relationship with God.
With what shall I come before the Lord,
and bow myself before God on high?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?
Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousands of rivers of oil?
Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? (Micah 6:6-7)
The result is a dreadful parody of the true meaning of sacrifice and

atonement. That which was a pointer to Gods grace and his promise of
atonement becomes a deal struck between equals. Sacrifice becomes a means
by which we buy off God. A relationship with God is given a price: a
thousand rams. And if that will not do then add a few noughts: ten
thousands of rivers of oil. But God cannot be bought and sold.
If verses 6-7 are a parody of sacrifice, the cross is the reality. The Levitical system
of sacrifice was never intended as a means of buying off God. It was, as the
writer of Hebrews explains (Hebrews 9:1-10:20), a pointer to the sacrifice for
sin that God himself would provide, just as he had promised to Abraham
(Genesis 22:14). Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of
my body for the sin of my soul? asks Micah in chapter 6:7. The answer is
that we do not need to give our firstborn because God himself gives his
firstborn. It is an allusion not only to Abraham and Isaac, but also to the
Passover. A firstborn lamb was sacrificed as a substitute in the place of my
firstborn. Now God has given his first and only Son (Romans 8:32) as a
substitute Passover Lamb to redeem us from the penalty and power of our
sin. On the cross I see the depth of the sin of my soul. Only the blood of
Gods firstborn the most precious thing in all the universe could pay
the price of my redemption. You were ransomed from the futile ways
inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or
gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without
blemish or spot (1 Peter 1:18-19). Walking humbly in the light of the cross
means an inevitable and resolute rejection of all self-confidence and all selfrighteousness.
Micah 6:8 calls on us to walk humbly with our God. It may be that Paul had
Micahs statement in mind in Ephesians where he repeatedly describes the
Christian life as walking with God. Ephesians 2:1-2 says: you were dead in
the transgressions and sin in which you once walked. And the section ends
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in verse 10 with Pauls statement: we are his workmanship created in Christ

for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in
them. We move from walking in sin to walking in good works. The meat in
this sandwich is the wonderful grace of God, raising us with Christ and
seating us in the heavenly realms. We move from death to life, slavery to
freedom, wrath to grace. And this transformation is not in any way the result
of our work, so there is no room for boasting. Instead it stands as an eternal
testimony to Gods glorious grace (1:6, 12, 14; 2:7). Walking becomes a key
theme in the latter half of the epistle: we are to take care how we walk,
walking in a manner worthy of our calling, not walking as the Gentiles do,
but instead walking in the light and walking in love (4:1, 17; 5:2, 8, 15). But
this is all built on the foundation of grace laid in chapter 2.
The community of the cross

The cross subverts all human notions of glory. The message that we proclaim
the message of Christ crucified is folly and weakness in the sight of the
world. We preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to
Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, the
proclamation of Christ crucified is Christ the power of God and the wisdom
of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of
God is stronger than men (1 Corinthians 1:23-25). And with this foolish,
weak message of the cross goes a foolish, weak community of the cross:
But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is
weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the
world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no
human being might boast in the presence of God. (1 Corinthians 15:27-29)
The cross leaves no scope for human boasting. Instead our one boast is in
Christ Jesus, our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and
redemption. So let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord (verses 30-31).
We need to ditch our worldly notions of success. We need to ditch our
modern preoccupation with numbers and size. We need to turn our notions
of success upside down so that we align them with Gods kingdom
perspective (Mark 4:26-32).
A ministry shaped by the cross

With the message of the cross and the community of the cross goes a
ministry shaped by the cross:
And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the
testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing
among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness
and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in
plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that
your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.
(1 Corinthians 2:1-5)
Page 38
Our way of doing things is not eloquence or wisdom, but weakness and fear.
We have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power
belongs to God and not to us (2 Corinthians 4:7).
It is tempting for us to think that what we need most is political influence,
media profile, national campaigns or mega-churches. But Jesus says that the
kingdom of God has been given to his little flock (Luke 12:32). Martin
Luther distinguished between a theology of glory and a theology of the cross.
The theology of glory seeks the revelation of God in the power and glory of
his actions. The theology of the cross sees the ultimate revelation of God in
the cross. By faith we see in the cross power in weakness, wisdom in folly and
glory in shame. We need to develop a corresponding understanding of the
church of the cross of which the phrase Christs little flock is an image.27 The
problem is that power made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9) is so
counter-intuitive and counter-cultural that we do not believe it. We believe
that God will use the powerful and important and impressive. But he does
not. We need the radical change of perspective that the cross brings.
The secret of humility is this: never stray far from the cross. It should often
be in our thoughts, often on our lips, often in our songs, determining our
actions, shaping our attitudes, captivating our affections. This is why the
remembrance of the Lords death in communion is so integral to Christian
discipleship.
In the Christian life:
humbling is the way to exaltation
dying to self is the way to new life
poverty is the way to wealth
grief is the way to joy
hunger is the way to satisfaction
selflessness the way to self-fulfilment
shame is the way to glory
28
folly is the way to wisdom
Reflection
The problem is that power made perfect in weakness (2
Corinthians 12:9) is so counter-intuitive and counter-cultural
that we do not believe it. We believe that God will use the
powerful and important and impressive. But he does not. We need the radical
change of perspective that the cross brings.
What important or impressive things do we put our trust in as churches?
How would the perspective of the cross change our thinking and our
practice as churches?
27
28
See Emil Brunner, The Mediator (Lutterworth, 1934), 435

See James 4:7-10; Luke 14:11; Mark 8:34-38; Matthew 5:3-12; 1 Corinthians 1:18-24
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Unit 5.
Gifts and service
People-centred churches
Children. Singles. Homeless. Drug addicts. Senior citizens. Men. Women.
Disabled. Young people. Single mums. Schools. Marrieds. Ethnic minorities.
Debt counselling. The list is almost endless. They are all legitimate and
important areas of ministry and a persuasive case could be argued for each
one. But how do you choose?
It is at this point that reflection on Gods providence is a great help in
determining our activity. Jesus promised to build his church. In every local
situation where the Lord is worshipped and his word obeyed, we can trust
him to be about that business. This means that the areas of gospel ministry a
local church should be engaged in are those areas where there are members
with the gifts and the heart to take responsibility for that ministry. That is
what is meant by the phrase gift-led.
Church activity should be people-centred rather than programme-centred.
This does not always happen. Church activity is often programme-led with
people found to service the programme. This can mean that square pegs are
driven into round holes. The result is that the ministry in question suffers, the
individuals suffer and genuine gospel opportunities go begging. To make
matters worse, the programmes are just as likely to be the product of years of
accumulation and tradition rather than a deliberate and relevant gospel
strategy.
Page 40
There are, for example, some people who are good at relating to the socially
marginalised and there are some people who find it rather challenging. It just
so happens that those who are good at relating to these people often enjoy
doing so and those who are challenged in this area often find it tiresome and
troublesome. Those who can relate and enjoy relating in one way should be
the ones who are encouraged, released, supported and resourced to get
involved in relevant gospel ministry. We need a round-pegs for round-holes
approach.
There is no need to get too hung up about precisely defining everyones gifts.
The lists of gifts in the New Testament are more illustrative than definitive.
They do not require us to pigeon-hole everyone neatly. Let people pursue
their passions. People are usually enthusiastic about what they are good at
and they are usually good at what they are enthusiastic about.
Exercise
What ways of serving do you enjoy? What kinds of ministry
are you passionate about? Write a list!
Enjoy our differences

Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12 and 1 Peter 4 all contain lists of gifts. But the
application that is made in each case is not that individuals should identify
and pursue their individual gifting. The application is to the Christian
community to allow people to be different and value that difference.
As Paul describes the charismatic gifts of the Spirit in 1 Corinthians 12, his
central point is that in the church there is both unity and diversity: There are
different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of
service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the
same God works all of them in all men (1 Corinthians 12:4-6). There is one
Spirit, one Lord and one God a clear trinitarian statement. The same Spirit
gives gifts to each of us; we serve the same Lord; and the same God works in
us. Yet, although there is one Spirit, he gives different types of gifts.
Although there is one Lord, there are different ways of serving him. Although
there is one God, he works in us in different ways. Our difference is derived
from the trinitarian God in grace and offered to the trinitarian God in service.
And so the many gifts are given for one purpose. To each one the
manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good (1 Corinthians
12:7). Paul lists a variety of gifts (1 Corinthians 12:8-11). God delights in this
variety just as each snowflake that he creates is different. At the same time,
for each gift there is one purpose: the common good. If we miss the need for
a variety of gifts, we will end up with uniformity. If we miss the need to use
gifts for the common good, we will end up with division.
Paul develops his argument with the image of a body: there is one body made
Page 41
up of many members. It is absurd to think of a body consisting entirely of

hands! But it is also absurd to think of a divided body with its members trying
to do opposing things. Bodies are united by their head. In the same way
Christians are one body with one purpose united by their head the Lord
Jesus. I have to realise that the body needs me, so I should not feel inferior (1
Corinthians 12:15-20). Suppose, says Paul, your foot thought that because it
could not do the things a hand can, it was not needed. You would soon fall
over! In the same way, your gifts are vital. I must also realise that I need the
body, so I cannot feel superior (1 Corinthians 12:21-24). Suppose your eye
thought that because only it could see it did not need a hand. You would
soon be in trouble. The idea is ludicrous. But it is the same in the body of the
church. We need each other. Other peoples contributions may not be
spectacular, but they are vital. Paul says the weaker parts are in fact
indispensable (1 Corinthians 12:24) The Spirit creates community through
particularity, not by destroying difference. God has brought us together in
one body through the reconciling work of Jesus Christ and the indwelling of
the Holy Spirit. We are to be a community in which the lowly are honoured
and in which we care for one another. Because the many have become one
body, we share suffering and honour together (1 Corinthians 12:25-26). If
you have ever had a broken leg, then it was not just your leg that was
incapacitated. Your whole body found it difficult to get around. In the body
of Christ, the suffering of one person is felt by all. When an athlete wins a
race, the medal goes round their neck, even though it was their legs that did
the running. In the body of Christ the joy of one person is felt by all.
Gifts are given to the community

A friend was telling me once how he wished he had the gifts of other people
in the church. Youre being too individualistic, I replied. I do not know
what response he expected from me, but he told me later it certainly was not
that response. Instead of envying the gifts of other individuals, I explained,
he should rejoice in the gifts of our church. In a very real sense, their gifts
were his to benefit from.
Paul says the Spirit gives gifts to the community for the community: Now to
each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good (1
Corinthians 12:7). The gifts the Spirit gives to me are given for the community.
They are not given so I can find self-fulfilment.
We should not focus on gifts apart from community or gifts apart from
service. This can descend into an individualism in which we each get on with
our own thing. Or it can justify an indulgence in which we only do what we
feel comfortable doing. Again, the image of the body helps us here. Gifts are
not exercised in isolation, but as part of a co-operating body. They are not
given for self-indulgence, but to build up the church and its mission. Being
part of a community where everything is done for the sake of the gospel is a
dynamic environment. The gospel sets the agenda and everyone is involved in
keeping it at the top of the agenda. Within such a context, people will always
Page 42
be thinking in terms of the gospel; they will be alert to needs and

opportunities. As the church asks if it can respond, questions will be raised
about resources and people. Individuals will be challenged to think if this
particular ministry is for them. Identifying and developing gifts has an
important corporate dimension. This is an area where godly leadership should
be exercised leadership that creates an environment in which the people
of God can flourish and be all that God wants them to be.
Reflect
Read Romans 12:1-8
How does Paul suggest we should determine our ministry?
How should we use the gifts God has given us? What in
this passage stops me justifying individualism or indulgence, or placing too
much emphasis on my gifts?
Service rather than self-fulfilment

Jonathan is a Christian worker who has complained of feeling tired and
overworked ever since I have known him. I tried working through his
priorities with him, but it made no difference. He recently took a threemonth sabbatical because he was worn out. At the end, he was still
complaining about feeling tired. Now he wants to operate in his gifting.
And funnily enough his gifting does not include administration and
paperwork. He only wants to do what he enjoys. Anything else makes him
weary. But that is the way life is! Sometimes work is energising and exciting.
But everyone has irksome responsibilities that make them feel weary. Indeed,
for most people in the world, their work is mainly drudgery. It is arrogant and
selfish to suppose you have a right to do only what energises you when most
people spend their lives on factory production lines or bent over in fields. We
cannot design perfect working lives because we do not yet live in a perfect
world. Jonathan does not need another sabbatical or a new job. He needs to
learn self-control and self-denial.
Spiritual gifts are a wonderful part of the Spirits work in the life of the
church. But they are abused when they are used as an excuse for selffulfilment or for doing our own thing. The discussion of spiritual gifts in the
New Testament is not addressed to individuals. It does not include a call to
identify or operate within your gifting. The application in the New Testament
is to celebrate the diversity that God has given to his people: humbly to serve
other people and humbly to value the contributions of others. Paul does not
tell individual Christians to identify their gifting and stick to it. He tells
Christians to be servants, looking to the interests of others and modelling
ourselves on the self-giving of the cross. More important than highly gifted
individuals are individuals who are servant-hearted.
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Exercise
In John 13:16, Jesus says we are to follow his example.
What has Jesus just been doing in John 13? What might this
mean for us? Here are some common excuses that we make
for not loving and serving other people:
I have too much on. Another time, but not today.
Im above doing that. I have better things to do.
What have they ever done for me? Theyre always letting me down.
Look at the three things John says that Jesus knew as he washed the
disciples feet (see John 13:1, 3, 11). How do they counter the excuses we
make not to serve other people? How does Jesus apply this incident in
verses 12-17?
Gifts Questionnaire29
Respond to each statement in the following way:
3 = this is almost always true of me
2 = this is often true of me
1 = this is occasionally true of me
0 = this is rarely true of me
29
I am good at listening.
I find it easy to explain things from the Bible.
I take prayer requests from others and regularly pray for

them.
I have been used to bringing others to Christ.
I enjoy administrative work.
I view my home as a place to minister to people in need.
I am handy at most things and good at fixing and mending.
I am deeply concerned about the world and social affairs.
I am usually looked to for a lead.
10
I make helpful relationships with others easily.
11
I enjoy spending time studying the Bible in depth.
adapted from Richard Littledale, What? Where? How? (Teddington Baptist Church)
Page 44
12
I enjoy praying for long periods.
13
I have a great love for others and a longing to win them for
Christ.
14
I organise well, clearly and efficiently.
15
I like to create a place where people feel they are not alone.
16
I enjoy helping out other people.
17
I am active in service in the community.
18
In a group I often find myself leading or am elected

chairperson.
19
I can encourage others and help them bear burdens.
20
I find others ask me questions about the Bible.
21
I am conscious of ministering to others as I pray.
22
I find my life is full of opportunities to witness to Christ.
23
I love office work and enjoy doing it thoroughly.
24
I do whatever I can to make people feel that they belong.
25
I like to use my hands to make things well.
26
I am aware of social needs and keen to do something about

them.
27
When leading something I put a lot of preparation into it.
28
I really care about other people.
29
I can help other people see Christian truth more clearly.
30
I often see specific results in response to my prayers.
31
I love to talk to others about Jesus.
32
I am painstaking about details in organisation.
33
I can make people feel at ease even in unfamiliar

surroundings.
34
I spend much time helping in practical ways.
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35
I often finds ways to help out my neighbours.
36
I am good at delegating work to others in a team setting.
Scoring
Transfer your scores into the following table. For example, place your
response to statement one (above) in box number 1 (below)
Then add up the scores down the columns to give a total in the box at the
bottom with a letter
Your highest scores should then give an idea of your preferred gifts
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
A. Pastoral
B. Teaching
C. Intercession
D. Evangelism
E. Administration
F. Welcoming and
hospitality
G. Practical and creative help

H. Service in the community
I. Leadership
What is your passion?

1. If you could snap your fingers to make something happen and knew you
could not fail, what would it be?
2. At the end of my life I would like to know I had done something about:
3. What conversation would keep you talking late into the night?
4. What occupies most of your time and energy day to day?
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5. The people I would like to help are:

Infants
children
youth
young mums
single
parents
students
divorced people
career women
parents
unemployed
people
prisoners
widowed
people
young
marrieds
men
elderly
people
single people
refugees
homeless
disabled
hospitalised
poor people
other _______________
6. The issues or causes I feel strongly about are:
environment
child care
homosexuality
discipleship
AIDS
politics
education
injustice
racism
economy
addictions
healthcare
reaching the
lost
international
affairs
abortion
church
poverty
world mission
technology
family and
parenting
literacy
other _______________
7. List below five of the most positive and fulfilling experiences of your life.
They could be anything, from leading someone to Christ, to bringing a
garden back to life. The important things is that they made you feel
fulfilled.
Page 47
Five positive experiences
Why this meant so much to me
1
2
3
4
5
Conclusion
Can you see any underlying themes?
Without being too precise, I feel that my heart is in the following sort of
area(s):
Second opinion
Ask a Christian brother or sister who knows you well for a second opinion.
Show them the instructions below and ask them to answer as honestly as they
can.
Please read the descriptions below. Mark each according to how well it
describes the person for whom you are filling out this form.
Y = very descriptive of them
S = sometimes descriptive of them
N = not descriptive of them
? = unsure whether it describes them or not
Page 48
Empathising with hurting people, reassuring

A troubled people and nurturing others in their walk
with God.
Y S N ?
Understanding and communicating biblical truth

B in a way which motivates others to change
Y S N ?
Praying faithfully for others, while expressing faith

C in Gods ability and willingness to answer
Y S N ?
Readily communicating their faith and talking

D about spiritual matters with non-believers
Y S N ?
Organising people, tasks and events in order to

E fulfil particular goals; creating order out of
organisational chaos
Y S N ?
Making new people feel at home in unfamiliar

surroundings and opening their home to others
Y S N ?
Working behind the scenes, often without being

G asked, and expressing a love for God in creative
and practical ways
Y S N ?
Identifying practical needs in the wider world and

H finding ways to do something about those needs
Y S N ?
Motivating, directing and guiding others, enabling

them to perform to the best of their abilities
Y S N ?
1. What kind of work would you envisage them doing in the church?
2. What kind of spiritual gifts do you think they might have?
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Unit 6.
Work
Exercise
Next time you are in an appropriate group setting, for
example, a Bible study, try the following exercise:
Ask everyone to write down what they were doing at 10 am
yesterday. Read out the answers, inviting people to guess who it was who
was doing the activity.
Introduction
A friend of mine wrote this in an email to me:
I think there is a danger [within our network] that the value of [full-time work], and
the energy it requires, is underestimated. The value of it is both in terms of having
gospel witness in the workplace, and in terms of the financial support that it can
provide to the gospel ministry of others. For these two reasons alone, it is about as
important an activity as I can think of doing Please encourage people at work in
their work. I dont believe that there is any more challenging environment for a
Christian than a secular workplace. Relationships are so important with colleagues,
but people make more assumptions about you in the workplace than in other
relationships. People get onto dirty jokes, sexist comments, assumptions of
dishonesty or impropriety very early in a relationship at work. And if you do not
play along you will have do so publicly. It can be near impossible. The skills needed
are tough and the spiritual support, encouragement and exhortation to persevere are
needed desperately. I spend about 60% (Im guessing) of my time at work. How
much of my serious gospel reflection do I give it? 5%? Help.
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Another friend, another email:

Can I content myself with the philosophy that all of life is ministry and whatever I
do for the glory of God is fine? How then do I answer people who dont have that
attitude and think that if Im not leading a Bible study Im not a gospel minister?
I would value teaching on the goodness and rightness of work for its own sake:
Why do we go to work? What does it mean to honour God in our work? What sort
of example and model are we being? I think I often fall into the trap of devaluing
work to the point that it is only to earn money to enable other gospel work and
living. And therefore whats the point of spending your whole week in secular
employment?
Most people work about 40 hours a week over a third of our waking
hours. And when you add in all the other work we do our chores and so
on you find we spend more than half of our time working. We certainly
spend more time working than in any other activity. So work is a big deal in
our lives.
Issues people face at work

The main problems facing Christians at work (according to an LICC survey)
are the following:
stress and burnout
maintaining Christian integrity
communications and relationships
overwork and long hours
insecurity and redundancy
The greatest temptation in all of this is self-reliance.
For the most part, what we are addressing in this unit applies as much to
household work and study as it does to paid employment. It also applies
equally to men and women. Christians often seem to talk as if the ideal is
men going out to work and women staying at home. But that kind of practice
is actually comparatively recent. It is a product of the industrial revolution.
Before the industrial revolution, home and work were often the same place.
Think about the farmer, the blacksmith, the weaver, the miller: their work
took place at home. Domestic work and commercial work merged and were
shared by all the members of the family. It was only with the rise of factories
and offices in the industrial revolution that a distinction grew, although even
then women and even children worked in the first factories. So the idea of
the man going out to work while the woman stayed home only runs from the
seventeenth to the twentieth century. The ideal wife of Proverbs 31:10-31 is
out in the marketplace engaging in commercial activities.
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Exercise
Find two other Christians and get them to do this exercise
with you. Choose a list each, and summarise very quickly
what each passage teaches about work.
One
Two
Three
Genesis 1:26-28,31
Genesis 2:2, 8, 15
Genesis 3:17-19
Genesis 5:28-29
Deuteronomy 5:12-15
Deuteronomy 14:28-29
Deuteronomy 24:19-22
John 4:34
John 5:17
Revelation 7:13-17
Proverbs 6:6-11
Proverbs 8:22-31
Proverbs 12:11, 14
Proverbs 31:10-31
Ecclesiastes 2:10-11, 1826
Isaiah 23:1-18
Isaiah 44:12-20
Isaiah 65:21-22
Zechariah 14:20-21
Acts 20:33-35
Romans 8:19-21
Ephesians 4:28
Colossians 3:18-4:1
1 Thessalonians 4:10-12
2 Thessalonians 3:6-12
1 Timothy 5:3-16
Titus 2:9-10
Fit what you have learnt about work from the passages above into the
following grid: creation, fall, redemption and consummation.
Not undervaluing work: 1 Timothy

1. Timothy faced people who taught the physical and material world was less
spiritual. Are there signs of this attitude still today?
2. In 1 Timothy 3:16 Paul talks about the mystery of godliness. It is
probably a catchphrase of the people causing problems for Timothy. How
does Paul challenge their notions of true spirituality?
3. Look at 1 Timothy 4:1-5. What were the troublemakers saying?
4. How does Paul respond?
5. What does it mean to consecrate everything by the word of God and by
prayer (1 Timothy 4:5)?
6. Look at 1 Timothy 2:15. What is Paul saying in this verse? How does 1
Timothy 4:16 help us understand 1 Timothy 2:15?
7. What are the implications for our attitude to work?
Not overvaluing work: Exodus 20:8-11

1. What does the fourth commandment have to say to a workaholic culture?
2. How should Christian attitudes be different?
3. How should Christian behaviour be different?
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Not ignoring work: Colossians 1:15-20

1. What is the scope of Christs lordship?
2. What are the implications for our approach to work?
1. Creation: we should take delight in our work just as God takes

delight in his work
Look at Genesis 1:31-2:2:
God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and
there was morning the sixth day. Thus the heavens and the earth were
completed in all their vast array. By the seventh day God had finished the work he
had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.
God is a worker. He works. When Genesis says that he rests from his work, it
is only his work of creation. Jesus says: My Father is always at his work to
this very day, and I, too, am working (John 5:17). God is a worker and Jesus
is a worker (John 4:34 and 17:4). Moreover, God takes delight in his work.
He looks at what he has done and says, It is good. The writer of Proverbs
describes the role of Wisdom in creation and New Testament writers saw this
as pointing to the role of Jesus. Proverbs says:
Then I was the craftsman at his side. I was filled with delight day after day, rejoicing
always in his presence, rejoicing in his whole world and delighting in mankind.
(Proverbs 8:30-31)
Jesus was at the Fathers side, crafting creation. And he takes delight in his
work. Day after day he is filled with delight, rejoicing in Gods workmanship.
Not only is God a worker, but he makes humanity to share his work:
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male
and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, Be fruitful and
increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the
birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground The
LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take
care of it. (Genesis 1:27-28; 2:15)
We are made in the image of God, and the text of Genesis implies that being
made in Gods image means, first, being relational just as God is relational,
and, second, ruling over creation as Gods stewards. God created the world
as a good but unfinished project. He called on humanity to fill and subdue
the world. This is often called the cultural mandate. God gives us a mandate
to create, invent, explore, discover, develop, produce, buy and sell. God
graciously invites us to participate with him in the task of producing a
beautiful world that brings him glory.
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Work is commended in the Bible as a good thing. This is why we find

satisfaction and fulfilment in work. To work is part of what it means to be
human. Dorothy Sayers said: Work is not primarily a thing one does to live,
but the thing one lives to do.30 We find pleasure in a job well done. We
delight in a product well made or a service well performed: something that
works, something that is beautiful, something that will endure. The craftsman
runs his hand over the smoothed wood with delight and pride. It is a pleasure
that we can all find in our work: the clean floor, the student who grasps an
idea, the in-tray emptied, the satisfied customer and so on. And that pleasure
is an echo of the pleasure of God when he saw that all he had made was very
good. When we find delight in a job well done, that delight is an echo of the
delight that the Wisdom of God found in crafting the world.
Through work we not only glorify God, we also provide for our families and
contribute to our communities. That is, work is one of the ways we can
contribute to the welfare of others (Deuteronomy 14:28-29; Ephesians 4:28).
Studies have shown that workers increase their output if they believe their
work to be important and significant.31
So we work:
to find satisfaction
to contribute to the life of our communities
to provide for our ourselves, our families and those in need
John Stott illustrates this with the following story:
The story is told of a man (in the pre-mechanisation era) who, while taking a walk
down a country lane, came across a stone quarry in which a number of men were
working. He questioned several of them about what they were doing. The first
replied irritably, Cant you see? Im hewing stone. The second answered without
looking up, Im earning 100 a week. But when the same question was put to the
third man, he stopped, put his pick down, stood up, stuck out his chest and said, If
you want to know what Im doing, Im building a cathedral. So it is a matter of
how far we can see. The first man could not see beyond his pick, and the second
beyond his Friday pay packet. But the third man looked beyond his tools and his
wages to the ultimate end he was serving. He was co-operating with the architect.
However small his particular contribution, he was helping to construct a building
for the worship of God. So laborare est orare, work is worship, provided that we can
see how our job contributes, in however small and indirect a way, to the forwarding
of Gods purpose for humankind. Then whatever we do can be done for the glory
of God (1 Corinthians 10:31).32
In the fourth century, Christianity became the official religion of the Roman
Empire. Very soon it became socially advantageous to go to church.
Previously church had been a community of believers often a persecuted
community in which everyone contributed to the ministry. But now the
church became an institution in which ministry was done by a few. A
distinction grew between clergy and laity. Also many people were mere
cited in John Stott, Issues Facing Christians Today (Marshall Pickering, rev. ed., 1990), 166
John Stott, Issues Facing Christians Today, 168
32 John Stott, Issues Facing Christians Today, 172
30
31
Page 54
church-goers. The discipleship of most so-called Christians was notional. So

those who wanted to show their dedication to God started going off into the
desert to live as hermits or coming together in monastic communities. That
was what truly spiritual people did. If you were really keen on following
Christ, you left the ordinary world and entered the religious life. The
ordinary world of work was undervalued in Christian thinking.
It did not help that some forms of philosophy believed the material world
was evil and the spiritual world was good. Spiritual became the opposite of
physical. So salvation was to escape the physical body through
enlightenment through the special mystical knowledge of the spiritually
elite.
That kind of thinking is still with us today. When we hear the word spiritual,
we do not think of changing nappies. We think of people serenely kneeing,
eyes closed, blocking out the world. The popular view is that one finds God
in stillness and solitude, by retreating from the world. When you think of
Christian ministry, we think of ministers, missionaries, youth leaders and
student workers. We do not think of office workers and window cleaners.
It seems that Timothy was encountering an early form of this teaching in
Ephesus, and Paul tells Timothy to have nothing to do with it (1 Timothy
6:20-21). We raised before the the mystery of godliness in 1 Timothy 3:16,
and suggested it might be a kind of catchphrase. Paul takes the terminology,
but gives it a gospel makeover:
Beyond all question, the mystery of godliness is great: He appeared in a body, was
vindicated by the Spirit, was seen by angels, was preached among the nations, was
believed on in the world, was taken up in glory. (1 Timothy 3:16)
Jesus appeared in a body. The physical body is sanctified by Jesus. He did the
Fathers work in a body, not by escaping it. Taken up in glory means Christ
is glorified. But how is he glorified? As he is believed on in the world. You do
not find Jesus in retreat, but in the world.
Look at 1 Timothy 4:1-5. The troublemakers for Timothy said you were
spiritual by denying physical appetites the appetites for food and sex. The
result of this false teaching is that Christians are separated from God (for we
spurn his goodness), separated from other Christians (because it is elitist) and
separated from the world (because we think we must withdraw). But God
created these things and so they are good. They are his gifts which we should
receive with thanksgiving. Made holy by the word of God and prayer
simply reiterates the previous verse. We accept that Gods word declares
creation good and give thanks to God in prayer.
Now look at 1 Timothy 2:15:
But women will be saved through childbearing if they continue in faith, love and
holiness with propriety.
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Paul says that women will be saved through childbearing (not kept safe in
childbirth as in some early versions of the NIV). The NLT captures the sense
well with its footnote by accepting their role as mothers. A promise that
women will be safe in childbirth would quite extraordinary and out of
context. Furthermore, throughout the letters to Timothy and Titus, Paul uses
the word saved to refer to salvation, and eschatological salvation in
particular. Besides which, many Christian women have not been kept safe
through childbirth. A more credible reading is that women will be saved not
through childbirth in general, but through the birth of Jesus the Saviour.
However, 2:15 would be a most obscure way of saying that. Paul nowhere
else suggests that salvation is by the incarnation. Furthermore, it makes little
sense of the second half of the verse.
Instead, the reference is to perseverance in the faith. Salvation, for Paul, does
not depend from a human point of view on a decision taken long ago, but on
perseverance: an ongoing commitment to the Saviour. And that means
obedience to Christ in the life-situation in which we find ourselves. The
second half of the verse is crucial. Women will be saved through childbearing
if they do so with faith, love and holiness with propriety (2:15).
There is a strong parallel with Pauls words to Timothy in chapter 4: Watch
your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will
save both yourself and your hearers (4:16). For mothers, persevering to the
end means being a faithful mother. For Timothy it means being a faithful
teacher and leader in the church.
We need to understand 1 Timothy 2:15 in the light of what Paul calls the
doctrine of demons (4:1-4). The path to holiness and service, argued the
false teachers, was away from the mundane duties of motherhood. They
offered more apparently spiritual ministries. But Paul, in contrast, says that
holiness and salvation are found not in turning away from marriage and
motherhood, but in being a faithful mother. Of course not every Christian
woman will be a mother. Paul picks out motherhood not because it is the
only way, but because some people were leaving the role of motherhood for
more glamorous ministries.
What is true for mothers is true for all Christians. The path of Christian
discipleship is not away from the world. We can serve God as we change
nappies, write e-mails, lay bricks, spread plaster, research essays and so on. If
we do these things in faith, love and holiness with propriety we will
persevere in our salvation.
We should take delight in our work just as God takes delight in his work. But,
of course, work is not always the delight God intended! Something has gone
wrong.
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The Fall: we can find work frustrating,

oppressive and idolatrous
1. Work can be frustrating
Genesis 3 describes the rebellion of humanity against God and its
consequences. And one of those consequences is that the ground is cursed:
To Adam he said, Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about
which I commanded you, You must not eat of it, cursed is the ground because of
you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce
thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of
your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you
were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return. (Genesis 3:17-19)
Work now involves toil and sweat. Through painful toil we eat the fruit of
the land. By the sweat of our brow we eat food. Work becomes a burden.
It becomes frustrating, boring and stressful.
When I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the
sun So my heart began to despair over all the toilsome labour under the sun. For
a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then he must leave
all he owns to someone who has not worked for it. This too is meaningless and a
great misfortune. What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with
which he labours under the sun? All his days he works in pain and grief; even at
night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless. (Ecclesiastes 2:11, 20-23)
Endless emails, projects that go wrong, incompetent management, proposals

that come to nothing these are all part of working in a fallen world.
Sometimes we find great delight in work that is work as God intended.
But often we find work frustrating: that is what work has become as a result
of human rebellion against God.
2. Work can be oppressive

The frustrating nature of work in a fallen world is compounded by our sin
and the sin of others. In our working life we come across difficult customers,
conflict with colleagues, workplace bullies. The work environment is not
always a happy one. Indeed, for many people work can be demeaning. It
makes the workplace a tough place to be a Christian. Remember that e-mail
my friend wrote to me:
People get onto dirty jokes, sexist comments, assumptions of dishonesty or
impropriety very early in a relationship at work. And if you do not play along you
will have do so publicly. It can be near impossible. The skills needed are tough and
the spiritual support, encouragement and exhortation to persevere are needed
desperately.
Page 57
Another expression of sin is the way some people avoid work (Proverbs
26:13-15).
The sluggard says, There is a lion in the road,
a fierce lion roaming the streets!
As a door turns on its hinges,
so a sluggard turns on his bed.
The sluggard buries his hand in the dish;
he is too lazy to bring it back to his mouth. (Proverbs 26:13-15)
Paul says that such people should not eat. In others words, we should not
affirm someone in their laziness by providing for their needs (2 Thessalonians
3:9-12; 1 Timothy 5:3-16).
More often, however, poverty is the result of injustice and oppression. The
writer of Proverbs describes the good world that God created as a world of
predictable cause and effect in which hard work is rewarded. He who works
his land will have abundant food, but he who chases fantasies lacks
judgment (Proverbs 12:11). Now, however, Gods good world is corrupted
by our rebellion. This means that cause and effect do not always operate as
God intended. Instead, the powerful use their position to exploit the poor.
The labour of the marginalised is often exploited. A poor mans field may
produce abundant food, but injustice sweeps it away (Proverbs 13:23). So
work can be oppressive.
3. Work can be idolatrous

The prophet Isaiah condemns the trade of Tyre because it exploits people,
but also because the people of Tyre have used their trade to bring glory to
themselves instead of to bring glory to God (Isaiah 23:1-14).
We have seen how the Medieval church undervalued work. The Reformation
in the sixteenth century changed that way of thinking. The Reformers
emphasised the priesthood of all believers. Every true Christian was a priest
who had access to God and who could serve God. Every believer had a
vocation: a calling in life through which they glorified God and served other
people. The world of work was once again valued.
People often talk about the Protestant work ethic. It is said to be the engine
that drove the rise of capitalism. The Protestant work ethic is said to be the
commitment to work that arose because of the value given to work by the
Reformation. Work was a good thing and so the more work, the better. Hard
work became a key ideal in Protestant countries. It is said to be the
underlying cause of the stress-filled world of modern work. As we become a
culture of workaholics, Christianity (and Calvinism in particular) is blamed.
The problem, however, is not a Protestant work ethic, but a secularised work
ethic. In the teaching of the Reformation, work was one of the ways by which
you glorified God and served other people. It was God who gave work its
Page 58
value. But work was not ultimate; God was ultimate. You found meaning and
identity through serving God. But with the advance of secularisation, the
God part of the equation was taken away. So now you find meaning through
work itself. Your sense of being a person of worth is found through your job.
Success is measured in moving up the career ladder or making money.
It is that which creates the drive to work and work and work. Your identity
depends on it. So we work on even though it is harming our health, our
families and our relationships. That is why unemployment is so devastating to
some people. They found meaning and identity in their work. Take that work
away and their meaning and identity is taken away. A high proportion of
people die shortly after retirement. Their identity is so bound up with their
work that they have little to live for when they stop.
Look at Exodus 20:8-11:
Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labour and do all
your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the L ORD your God. On it you shall
not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or
maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. For in six days the
LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested
on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
(Exodus 20:8-11)
The fourth commandment imposed a limit on work. It reminded the people

that there was more to life than work. It reminded them that they were made
to know God and find fulfilment, meaning and identity in knowing him. They
found delight in working, but that delight reflected the God who delighted in
his work. Their work was for Gods glory. He was ultimate. The climax of
creation is not a man made to work, but a Sabbath made for the enjoyment
of God. Henri Blocher says that the Sabbath relativises
the works of mankind, the contents of the six working days. It protects mankind
from total absorption by the task of subduing the earth, it anticipates the distortion
which makes work the sum and purpose of human life, and it informs mankind that
he will fulfil his humanity in his relation to the world which he is transforming only
when he raises his eyes above in the blessed, holy hour of communion with the
Creator.33
The fourth commandment also pointed forward to the day when we will
share Gods rest (Hebrews 3:7-4:11). It reminded them that there was more
to life than this life. It encourages us to view our work from an eternal
perspective.
I do not think Christians are bound to keep the fourth commandment in a
literal or legalistic way. I believe it is fulfilled in the salvation rest that Jesus
gives us (Matthew 11:28-30). But I do believe it has a great deal to teach us in
our workaholic culture. Work is not ultimate. We must not let it become an
idol. When we ask how much someone is worth, we are asking about their
salary. But you cannot measure human worth in terms of a salary. We ask,
33
Henri Blocher, In the Beginning (IVP, 1984), 57
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What do you do? and we mean, What is your job? People do much more
than simply what they are paid to do.
If you are finding work stressful or your health is suffering from overwork or
family complain that you spent all your time working, ask yourself some hard
questions: Am I finding my identity in my work instead of in God? Is my
idea of success defined by work or defined by serving God? Am I trying to
achieve for my own glory or am I living for Gods glory?
Redemption: Christians find a renewed

commitment to working for the glory of
God
Christians should find a renewed commitment to hard work. Listen to the
words of Paul:
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, we command you, brothers, to keep away
from every brother who is idle and does not live according to the teaching you
received from us. For you yourselves know how you ought to follow our example.
We were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyones food without
paying for it. On the contrary, we worked night and day, labouring and toiling so
that we would not be a burden to any of you. We did this, not because we do not
have the right to such help, but in order to make ourselves a model for you to
follow. For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: If a man will not
work, he shall not eat. We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy;
they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to
settle down and earn the bread they eat. And as for you, brothers, never tire of
doing what is right. (2 Thessalonians 3:6-13)
Paul could have received money from the Thessalonians for his ministry
among them. Elsewhere Paul describes this ministry as like the hard work of
a diligent farmer (2 Timothy 2:6), so he would not have been shirking if he
had accepted money. But he wanted to set them an example of hard work
and of not being a burden to others (see also Acts 20:33-35). The source of
this renewed commitment to work is that Christians have rediscovered that
work can be done for the glory of God.
Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is
on you and to win their favour, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the
Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not
for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a
reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (Colossians 3:22-24)
We work with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. We work as
working for the Lord. We look to a reward from him. It is the Lord
Christ [we] are serving. Paul does not simply say that we can take delight in
our work. We can take delight in the fact that God takes delight in our work.
Even when no one else recognises what we do, we can find pleasure is
knowing that we are pleasing God. Zechariah says that in the kingdom of
God even the pots and pans are holy to God (Zechariah 14:20-21). Even
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washing up can be holy to the Lord. We can offer up our washing up as a

holy act, consecrated to Gods glory.
Moreover, the attitudes of Christians to their work, and their conduct at
work, is to commend the gospel. In the good world that God made, taking
delight in work and serving others would be its own justification. It would be
enough to have done these things in a working day. But the world is no
longer like that. Now it is populated with people who are alienated from
God, who need to be rescued, who need to hear good news. And so the
workplace has also become an important place to witness to Christ through
word and deed. We think about how we can build relationships with people,
but at work those relationships already exist. People can avoid most forms of
evangelism. They can throw away the gospel tract, they can turn away the
person who knocks on the door, they can turn off Songs of Praise. But they
cannot avoid the gospel witness of a Christian colleague. Again let me quote
from a friend:
We need to recognise the profoundness of work relationships. What do I mean?
Colleagues who know each other for a while see each other in extreme situations.
My colleagues are far more likely to see me in a high-stress situation than my family,
friends or contacts out of work. And I see them in those situations too. This can be
an emotionally-charged shared experience. It must create opportunities for real
friendship and gospel opportunity. Work relationships have a distance between
them which is right and proper. Yet colleagues see deep things about each other.
Paul recognised the huge potential of the workplace for evangelism:

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work
with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of
outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. (1 Thessalonians 4:1112)
Teach slaves to be subject to their masters in everything, to try to please them, not
to talk back to them, and not to steal from them, but to show that they can be fully
trusted, so that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Saviour
attractive. (Titus 2:9-10)
Opportunities to follow up the witness of work often take place off-site and
out of work hours. You may get a chance to say something in a tea break, but
the chance to talk in more depth is more likely to come when you have drink
in the pub after work. And that means that as churches we need to recognise
and value these opportunities even if that means people cannot get to
evening church activities.
Consummation: we will delight in

glorifying God through work and service
Work in a fallen world can be frustrating and oppressive. But Isaiah looks
forward to a day when people will enjoy the fruit of their labour as God
intended.
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They will build houses and dwell in them; they will plant vineyards and eat their
fruit. No longer will they build houses and others live in them, or plant and others
eat. For as the days of a tree, so will be the days of my people; my chosen ones will
long enjoy the works of their hands. (Isaiah 65:21-22)
Although Isaiah announces the fall of the trading empire of Tyre, he also
speaks of her restoration. Once again she will ply her trade with all the
kingdoms on the face of the earth. This time, however, her profit and her
earnings will be set apart for the LORD. (Isaiah 23:1718) Trade with Tyre
provided materials for Solomons temple (1 Kings 5) and satisfied many
nations (Ezekiel 27:33). Now Isaiah looks forward to the rebuilding of the
temple when Tyre again will provide materials (Ezra 3:7). But he looks beyond
this, too, to the day when the trading wealth of the nations will be used not
for selfish, proud human ends but for the glory of God and the provision of
his people (Isaiah 60:5; Revelation 21:24-26).
Paul implies that the redemption of humanity will lead to the lifting of the
curse over creation (Romans 8:19-21). We will be restored to our role as
Gods co-workers, ruling over, and caring for, creation. And through our
redeemed labour, creation itself will also be redeemed. John says that Gods
redeemed people will serve him, but without the threat of poverty or the heat
of toil.
they are before the throne of and serve him day and night in his temple; and he
who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. Never again will they hunger;
never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching
heat. For the Lamb at the centre of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead
them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
(Revelation 7:15-17)
We notice several implications:
1. We should work hard as those who are serving God

We work as working for the Lord (Colossians 3:23). We should work as if
God is our boss for that is what he is.
2. We should take delight in a job well done

We should find the same delight in a job well done that God found in his
work of creation.
3. We should try to make work satisfying and dignified for others

This particularly relates to those of us who are bosses. Health and safety
legislation protects the bodies of workers, but we also need to care for the
humanness of workers. Try to ensure work is not demeaning. Try to make it
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interesting and fulfilling. Do not make unreasonable demands of people

their whole life is not the workplace, and they have other responsibilities.
4. We should expect work often to be boring, frustrating or tiring

Some Christians I talk to seem to think they have a right to a job that is
pleasant and fulfilling all the time. They are indignant when life is not like
that. They are like Christians who expect God to make them healthy all the
time. We live in a fallen world. It is not yet redeemed. So do not be surprised
if work is often boring or frustrating. Set your sights on the new creation
when work will be a delight.
5. We should commend the gospel through our work

The important thing is to be intentional. You cannot say, I dont have time
for church activities because my ministry is my work, unless you
intentionally and deliberately make work a feature of your ministry. We need
to approach each day as ministry serving others and looking for
opportunities to share the gospel. As one person put it to me, I always pray
before I lead a Bible study, so why not before I take a lesson? We need to
approach our work in just the same way we approach other ministry
activities.
Supporting Christians in the workplace

1. Recognise that people who have been out at work all day can do less in
the evenings. They cannot attend meetings that start before 8.00 pm and
they may need to plan evening activities in advance.
2. Make church business meetings relaxed and informal so they do not feel
like another work meeting.
3. Visit workers in their workplace so you can see where they work, meet
their colleagues and pray together in context.
4. Commission people who are embarking on new jobs or new roles at
work much as we might commission someone beginning missionary
service.
5. When you gather as a church, start up a regular window on the workplace
in which someone talks about their work and shares prayer needs.
6. Make sure there is regular consideration of the application to a workplace
context of the passage we are studying. (How would this apply in the
office or workshop when someone says)
Reflect
Find another Christian and read together through these
quotes, which are all from real people. Then reflect on and
discuss what you read.
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1. To what extent is it my responsibility to be the moral police? Do I

chastise people for swearing, looking at dodgy e-mails people send from
their work account, and so on?
2. I think an important difference between my situation in full-time work
and the time I have outside is that of control the ability to shape your own
environment, plan your time, control your reactions, deal with your
relationships. When you go into the workplace, you are entering an existing
culture in which you are probably a minority of one. Concern for your
employer, career and sanity make it hard to take control and be properly
effective as a Christian witness in that place.
3. People get onto dirty jokes, sexist comments, assumptions of dishonesty
or impropriety very early in a relationship at work. And if you do not play
along you will have do so publicly. It can be near impossible. The skills
needed are tough and the spiritual support, encouragement and exhortation
to persevere are needed desperately.
4. One issue which I think is relevant is the ethics of using your position to
share the gospel with clients. The nature of the job means you are in a
position of trust and confidence. Sharing you faith in this situation is
obviously unacceptable from an employers point of view. It has therefore
been my, and I think others, experience that it is mostly with colleagues that
real opportunities arise. Should we pursue friendship with those for whom
we provide a service? How does this affect our thinking on what jobs
bring gospel opportunities?
5. How involved do I try to get with people at work? Theyre not in the
category of person weve been trying to reach and they dont live near me.
I have plenty already on my plate with the people were already ministering
to. Do I try to drum up new business by going out of my way to invite
these work colleagues over just so I can feel like Im ministering directly at
my place of employment? Or do I just do my job well with a good attitude
and take the opportunities that arise naturally?
6. We need to recognise that work relationships can be profound.
Colleagues who know each other for a while see each other in extreme
situations. My colleagues are far more likely to see me in a high-stress
situation than my family, friends or contacts out of work. And I see them in
those situations too. This can be an emotionally-charged shared experience.
It must create opportunities for real friendship and gospel opportunity.
Work relationships have a distance between them which is right and proper.
Yet colleagues see deep things about each other.
7. What principles should govern crossing the line from a work relationship
to a personal relationship especially when you are in a position of power
within the organisation? Off-site activities (like a drink after work) create the
best opportunities for witness to colleagues. But churches often do not
recognise the value of these and instead expect people to be back to get
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involved in church activities.

8. What should be the balance between work and rest? What is good and
healthy, and how do you achieve it? What is considered work? Should
gospel ministry be included? How about days off? Should we have one
every week?
9. If I dont have enough money to pay the bills, do I try to work more
hours, taking time and energy away from more direct ministry? Or do I pray
more and trust God to provide the money another way? And how do I
know whether more paid work is Gods answer to my prayer?
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Unit 7.
Marriage
Our culture thinks many things about marriage. Here are just a few:
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence: a life sentence!
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the
second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they
both speak and the neighbours listen.
It is true that all men are born free but some of them get married!
I never knew what happiness was until I got married and by then it
was too late!
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
When a man holds a womans hand before marriage, it is love; after
marriage, it is self-defence.
Love is holding hands in the street; marriage is holding arguments in the
street.
Love is cuddling on a sofa; marriage is one of you sleeping on a sofa.
These jokes all offer a cynical view of marriage. Marriage is seen as the end of
love. We have thousands of songs about falling in love and falling out of love.
Very few celebrate staying in love. One exception is Van Morrisons Have I
Told You Lately:
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Have I told you theres no one above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away my sadness,
Ease my troubles, thats what you do.
Listen to the words of one modern woman:

I am scared of loving him because of what that says about me Im just a
weepy girl who relies on someone I want to be independent and I think that it is
important for women of our generation, but by saying I love someone and need
him its like contradictory hypocritical but I also dont want to give into love
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because I am scared he wont call me and I will be heartbroken and then feel like
a stupid girl that should have known better. 34
People today have been raised to value independence above all. The result is
that love has become a sign of weakness. And so we give and take physically,
but try to hold back our hearts. But our bodies and our hearts cannot easily
be separated. And so hearts become either battered and bruised or calloused
and hardened.
The attitudes in the world around us can make it hard for us to grasp Gods
view of marriage. There is nothing new in this. Gods view of marriage has
always been counter-cultural. When the disciples heard Jesus set out Gods
expectations for marriage they said: If this is the situation between a
husband and wife, it is better not to marry (Matthew 19:10).
What is marriage?
Marriage can best be described as three things: a covenant of companionship,
a covenant of love and a covenant modelled on Gods covenant of love.
Exercise
Read Genesis 2:18-24. This describes the first marriage and

also, according to verse 24, explains the reason behind all
marriages.
What is not good about man?
What is Gods solution?
What does this tell us about marriage?
1. A covenant of companionship
Roman Catholics have tended to say that marriage is for procreation. They
stress the command in Genesis 1:28 to the first man and woman to be
fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). Marriage is the God-given context for
children to grow up. It offers stability, male and female role models, a
partnership of care. So marriage is for procreation. The command to be
fruitful and multiply means that all marriages should be open to the prospect
of having children. But marriage is for more than procreation. If it was just
for procreation, then childless marriages would in some sense be lesser
marriages, but they are not. In fact the Song of Songs, the Bibles great
celebration of married love, never once mentions children.
The Lutherans have tended to say that marriage is for protection. They
emphasise 1 Corinthians 7:9: It is better to marry than to burn with lust.
From Laura Sessions Stepp, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at
Both (Riverhead, 2007)
34
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Again it is true that marriage is the proper context for sexuality to find
expression in intercourse. God forbids sex outside of marriage. But marriage
was given before humanity fell into sin. It is not just a way of coping with our
sinful desires.
No, the true purpose for marriage is given in Genesis 2:18: Then the LORD
God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is
just right for him. Marriage is for companionship.
God has made creation and declared it very good (Genesis 1:31). But there is
one thing that is not good: it is not good for man to be alone. Gods response
is to provide a wife for Adam. The perfect, suitable counterpart to a man is a
wife. And God himself makes this counterpart. Marriage was Gods idea.
God himself frames this solution to mans aloneness. Despite the endless
jokes about the inadequacies of women or the inadequacies of men, God
designed women as the suitable counterpart to men and vice versa. Not only
that, but God himself is the first Father to give away a bride: he brought her
to the man (Genesis 2:22). Jay Adam says: The reason for marriage is to
solve the problem of loneliness. Marriage was established because Adam was alone,
and that was not good. Companionship, therefore, is the essence of marriage.35
This of course raises questions about singleness, and we will return to those
questions later. For now, however, I want to highlight that marriage is Gods
provision for aloneness. Marriage is a covenant of companionship.
In the Song of Songs 8:10, the woman says: I was in his eyes as one who
brings peace. (ESV footnote). She is the one who brings him shalom. The
Hebrew word shalom means peace, but it means more than peace. It means
rest and contentment. It means wholeness and completeness. She is the one
who makes him whole. She is the one who makes him complete. In 6:13 he
calls her his Shulammite girl. There is no known place called Shulam. It
probably means his girl of shalom, his shalom-bringing girl. She gives him
rest. She makes him complete.
2. A covenant of love
Marriage is a covenant of love. Covenant is not a word we use very often,
but there is no better word to describe marriage. The nearest word we have in
common use today is contract. Marriage is a contract. And that captures well
the sense that in marriage we make promises that are solemn and binding. In
most cultures those promises are legally binding.
The problem with the word contract, however, is that it sounds like a
business deal. It lacks the sense of love and relationship and friendship. So a
covenant is a contract plus love. The Bible has a special word for it: chesed,
meaning covenant love or steadfast love.
35
Jay E. Adams, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage In the Bible (P&R, 1980)
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Listen to the Song of Songs 8:6-7:

Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
its passion as enduring as the grave.
Love flashes like fire,
the brightest kind of flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
nor can rivers drown it.
If a man tried to buy love
with all his wealth,
his offer would be utterly scorned.
The Song of Songs was probably a celebration of, or even a polemic for,
passionate, romantic love in the context of functional and forced arranged
marriages. In 8:11-12 the young woman asserts that, while literal vineyards
can be hired out, her vineyard is for her to give and cannot be bought for
money.
The great thing about marriage is that combination of binding promises and
loving relationship. Here is a love as strong as death, but it is also a love that
is publicly sealed (8:6). Here is love, but here too is a wedding ring to remind
the lovers of their covenant promises. Those binding promises protect the
loving relationship. They are its context, its framework, its protection. Staying
married is not about staying in love. It is about covenant-keeping. If a spouse
falls in love with another person, one profoundly legitimate response from
the grieved spouse and from the church is, So what? Keep your covenant!36
This does not mean that love is unimportant. It does mean, however, that
love can sometimes be a choice rather than a feeling. In fact, often the
feelings of being in love follow the choice to love with steadfast, covenant
love. That is what happens in many arranged marriages.
John Piper, Staying Married Is Not About Staying in Love, January 28, 2007
(desiringgod.org)
36
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Reflection
Imagine two couples having sex for the first time. For one
couple it is their fourth date. For the second couple it is
their honeymoon night. How will they feel about sex?
For the first couple the pressure is on. They must perform, prove
themselves. If they do not meet their lovers expectations, then this
relationship could soon be over. It is not a context for love to flourish. Or
maybe one of them has no commitment for the future. They are only
interested in physical gratification, proving their potency, using this person
for their own pleasure. There is no love at all just selfish desire.
The second couple on their honeymoon night have made binding promises
to each other. They are committed for the long haul. They do not have to
perform. Their love-making may end in giggles or even in tears, but they
have a lifetime to work it out. Those promises provide a framework in
which to work out differences, to work out how to give pleasure to each
other, to work out how to relate to one another, to resolve conflict.
One implication of this is that marriage is not simply the only context for sex,
it is also the right context for exploring the love between and man and a
woman. Marriage is the only context in which love can truly flourish and
grow. Our culture has created a dating phenomenon, which enables couples
to enjoy the benefits of being married without the responsibilities of being
married. The Bible does not recognise dating as a valid expression of love.
The Bible defines relationships in terms of a brother or sister, betrothed or
married. Prolonged dating is both self-indulgent and dangerous. The contract
of marriage or of engagement provides the commitment that love needs for it
to flourish.
Reflection
couple thinking?
Imagine two couples having an argument for the first time.

One couple have been living together for two weeks. One
couple have been married for two weeks. What is each
The first couple are asking themselves whether it is worth it. Why give
themselves this hassle? Maybe it would be easier to walk out of the
relationship. The second couple view things very differently. Two weeks ago
they made binding promises to each other. They are committed for the long
haul. They know they have to work this out. Sooner or later they are going
to have say sorry, see things from the other persons perspective, be
reconciled to one another.
Statistics show that marriages last longer than co-habitations and first
marriages last longer than second marriages (since someone has already
broken binding promises).
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3. A covenant modelled on Gods covenant of love

The covenant of marriage is an echo of Gods covenant relationship with his
people. Throughout the Bible God describes his relationship with his people
as a marriage:
And when I passed by again, I saw that you were old enough for love. So I wrapped
my cloak around you to cover your nakedness and declared my marriage vows. I
made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.
(Ezekiel 16:8)
Moreover, the unfaithfulness of Gods people is described as adultery. In

Hosea 2 God says:
But now bring charges against Israel your mother
for she is no longer my wife,
and I am no longer her husband.
Tell her to remove the prostitutes make-up from her face
and the clothing that exposes her breasts.
Otherwise, I will strip her as naked
as she was on the day she was born.
I will leave her to die of thirst,
as in a dry and barren wilderness.
And I will not love her children,
for they were conceived in prostitution.
Their mother is a shameless prostitute
and became pregnant in a shameful way
She doesnt realise it was I who gave her everything she has
the grain, the new wine, the olive oil;
I even gave her silver and gold.
But she gave all my gifts to Baal
I will punish her for all those times
when she burned incense to her images of Baal,
when she put on her earrings and jewels
and went out to look for her lovers
but forgot all about me,
says the Lord. (Hosea 2:2-13)
God also promises to take his people as his wife.

But then I will win her back once again.
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there
When that day comes, says the LORD,
you will call me my husband
instead of my master
I will make you my wife forever,
showing you righteousness and justice,
unfailing love and compassion.
I will be faithful to you and make you mine,
and you will finally know me as the Lord.
I will show love
to those I called Not loved.
And to those I called Not my people,
I will say, Now you are my people.
And they will reply, You are our God!(Hosea 2:14-23)
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The day is coming, says the LORD, when I will make a new covenant with the
people of Israel and Judah. This covenant will not be like the one I made with their
ancestors when I took them by the hand and brought them out of the land of
Egypt. They broke that covenant, though I loved them as a husband loves his
wife, says the LORD. (Jeremiah 31:31-32)
Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean,
washed by the cleansing of Gods word. He did this to present her to himself as a
glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be
holy and without fault As the Scriptures say, A man leaves his father and
mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. This is a great
mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.
(Ephesians 5:25-27, 31-32)
The Bible story ends with a marriage, as Gods new world is described as a
wedding feast for the marriage between Gods people and Gods Son.
And the angel said to me, Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the
wedding feast of the Lamb. (Revelation 19:9)
Whatever our experience of marriage, sex or singleness, therefore, our

sexuality helps us to understand Gods relationship with his people. If we
have experienced the joy of marriage, then we know something of the joy of
companionship with God. If we have experienced the pain of singleness then
we know something of the need for God that human beings have. If we have
experienced the pain of betrayal or if sex is associated for us with hurt, then
we know something of Gods holy jealousy for the love of his people. If we
have any experience of passion, whether requited or unrequited, we know
something of the passion of God for his people.
Sexuality and marriage were given by God to show us the nature of his
passionate love for his people. As John Piper puts it,
God created us in his image, male and female, with personhood and sexual
passions, so that when he comes to us in this world there would be these powerful
words and images to describe the promises and the pleasures of our covenant
relationship with him through Christ.37
Our marriages should be living illustrations of the gospel.
An illustration of true giving and receiving

In Mark 8:34-35, Jesus says: If any of you wants to be my follower, you must
turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to
hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake
and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it.
John Piper, Sex and the Supremacy of Christ: Part One, in John Piper and Justin Taylor
(eds.), Sex and the Supremacy of Christ (Crossway, 2005), 29-30
37
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Most people do not like the sound of denying yourself, losing your life and
giving up your life. They wonder how this can be good news. In marriage,
however, we learn that we find our lives by giving up our lives. I give away
the freedoms of a single man, but receive in return the greater joys of
covenant love. I find the restrictions of marriage in fact enable me to be free
to be the person I was meant to be as I am made complete by my
Shulammite girl.
One of the refrains of the Song of Songs is: My lover is mine, and I am his
(for example, 2:16; 6:3). It is the language of ownership and possession. You
give yourself away and belong to another. But it is also about mutual
possession and mutual belonging. In marriage I learn to enjoy belonging to
another. The young woman delights that her lover claims her as his own.
There is no striving for independence or autonomy; just a glad acceptance of
mutual possession. Through marriage, therefore, we learn what a delight it
can be to say: My Jesus is mine and I am his. He is Lord and he is my Lord. I
belong to him. We rejoice to hear God say: I will be your God and you will
be my people.
I also discover through marriage how serving someone else brings me
pleasure. It is so tragic when couples are trying to get the most from each
other. They may never have a full-blown argument, but there is nevertheless a
constant competition going on. Or perhaps responsibilities are negotiated. Or
one party serves the other out of fear or because getting the other to help is
more trouble than it is worth. Who does the washing up? Is it always the
same person? Is it manipulated? Is it negotiated? Or is there a joy in serving
the other by washing up?
This is nowhere more true than in sex. In sex you get pleasure by giving
pleasure. No one can ever figure out who is doing the giving and who the
receiving, writes Thomas Howard. Real lovers know that giving and
receiving are a splendid and hilarious paradox in which the giving becomes
receiving, the receiving giving until any efforts to sort it out collapse in
merriment and adoration.38 Sex teaches us the pleasure of self-giving: the
pleasure of giving pleasure, the love of loving, the honour of honouring, the
blessing of being a blessing.
Sex in which this is not true is not true sex. Sex that involves force, pressure,
reluctance, manipulation, selfishness, nagging or whining is a sad parody of
what sex and marriage are supposed to be. Sex in which the couple are not
trying to give each other pleasure is not the real thing. You find pleasure in
sex by giving pleasure. And so marriage and sex teach us that love is its own
reward; that joy is found in service; that it is more blessed to give than to
receive; that you gain your life by giving up your life.
cited in Ben Patterson, The Goodness of Sex and the Glory of God, in John Piper and
Justin Taylor (eds.), Sex and the Supremacy of Christ (Crossway, 2005), 59.
38
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An illustration of true authority and

submission
In Mark 1:15, Jesus says: The time promised by God has come at last! The
Kingdom of God is near! Repent of your sins and believe the Good News!
In other words, the rule of God has come and you must submit to Gods
rule. To most people today that does not sound like good news. Our view of
authority is mostly negative. At best we put up with authority. Most of the
time we resist it. We want to run our lives our way without interference.
But the Bible tells us that Gods rule is good news. Gods rule brings
freedom, blessing, justice and peace. It is a rule of love. It is actually self-rule
that leads to conflict, tyranny and slavery.
How marriage illustrates the truth about authority and submission

In marriage there is to be loving authority and joyful submission. The Bible
says: Wives, submit to your husbands Husbands, love your wives.
(Ephesians 5:22, 25) And so marriage especially Christian marriage
should show what loving authority is like, and that to submit to loving
authority is a blessing. In our culture, where authority and submission are
viewed with such suspicion, we need to spell out clearly what this means.
It is Gods will for wives to submit to their husbands.
In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even
if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without
any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.
(1 Peter 3:1-2)
Notice first what submission does not mean:

submission does not mean agreeing with everything your husband says
for the wife of 1 Peter 3 believes Jesus is Lord, whereas her husband does
not.
submission does not mean not trying to change your husband for the
wife of 1 Peter 3 is trying to convert him through her godly life.
submission does not mean a wife gets her spiritual strength from her
husband for the wife of 1 Peter 3 cannot gain spiritual strength from
her husband.
submission does not mean acting out of fear for the wife of 1 Peter 3 is
told do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do
(verse 6).
Nor does it mean passivity. The young woman in the Song of Songs is vocal
and active. (In fact, she takes more initiative than the man in the book.) There
is a high degree of complementarity, mutual respect and dignity.
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What submission is
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his
wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Saviour of his body, the church.
As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in
everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for
her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of Gods word. He did this
to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other
blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands
ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his
wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and
cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.
(Ephesians 5:22-30)
The first thing to say about submission is that submission and love are very
close. Both mutual love and mutual submission are commended within the
wider body of Christ of which they are members (5:2, 21). But they cannot be
synonymous since in Ephesians 5 the relationship between husband and wife
is compared with the relationship between Christ and the church. My
relationship to Christ is not a mirror of his relationship with me. Christ does
not submit to me.
So here is how I define the respective roles of wife and husband:
the wife puts her husbands will before her own

the husband puts his wifes interests before his own
This captures the similarities in their respective attitudes. But it also captures
the difference in their roles. It gives the husband a lead role, but a lead role
defined by the cross: one which seeks the good of the other rather than selfinterest. It also captures how their respective roles correspond to the roles of
the church towards Christ and Christ towards the church.
This formula does not say, The wife puts her husbands will first. The
husband puts his wifes interests first. Both of them have a higher allegiance
and a higher purpose: to submit to Christ and seek his glory. This means, for
example, there will be times when the wife challenges her husband or rejects
his will in order to be obedient to Christs will. It means there will be times
when the husband puts his wifes holiness before her happiness. So a further
refinement is:
the wife puts her husbands will before her own but not before Christs
will
the husband puts his wifes interests before his own but not before
Christs interests
Biblical teaching on this issue runs contrary to the spirit of our age. The
answer, however, is not to make the Bible conform to our worldview, but to
make our worldview conform to that of the Bible: to be counter-cultural.
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This does not mean that, in order to anticipate the What about?
scenarios, we must defend all the abuses of male headship over women.
Quite the opposite. The big issue is what it means to exercise authority. Our
problem is that we understand authority in the image of Satans lie rather than
in the image of Gods rule. In the Garden of Eden, Satan portrayed Gods
rule as tyrannical. So we think of authority as repressive and restrictive. But
Gods rule is liberating, life-giving and loving. Men believe the lie when they
abuse authority; women believe the lie when they reject headship. Men abuse
authority over wives because they are self-interested; wives reject submission
to husbands because they are self-willed.
Reflection
What are the objections to the idea of submission and
headship in your context? How does a right view of Christ
and the church answer those objections?
Sexual icons
Our sexual icons should not be half-naked young guys with six packs. They
should not be 36-24-36 women simpering away in lingerie. Those icons are
fantasies. People only look like that with the help of Photoshop software.
They do not show what they are like first thing in the morning; still less do
they show what their hearts are like.
No, our sexual icon should be an elderly couple celebrating their wedding
anniversary. This is the truth about sex and marriage. This is sex in a context
that points to the meaning of marriage Gods covenant love for his
people.
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Unit 8.
Singleness
Top ten things never to say to a single woman at a wedding:39
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Youre next.
Why arent you married?
Maybe you should lose some weight.
What about [insert name here]? Hes a nice boy.
Youre next.
Maybe youre called to singleness.
Can you baby-sit tonight?
Did you ever consider being a missionary?
Just dont think about marriage, and it will happen.
Youre next.
The church has sometimes seen marriage as second best monasteries,

convents and a clergy who had to be celibate all portrayed marriage as second
best. But sometimes the church has seen singleness as second best.
Evangelical churches can at times seem obsessed with marriage and family.
We even have so-called family services.
Reflection
Are there some ways in which singleness is seen as second
best in your church context? How might you begin to
change this perception?
Carolyn McCulley, Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God for a Hope Deferred (Crossway,
2004), 18
39
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There are strong reasons for marriage

In Genesis 2 we saw that God response to mans aloneness was to make a
woman. Then the LORD God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I
will make a helper who is just right for him. She is just right for him. She is
his helper. Men and women are literally made to live together in marriage.
In Song of Songs 8:10, the woman says: I was in his eyes as one who brings
peace. (ESV footnote) As we saw in the last unit, this means she brought rest
and contentment, wholeness and completeness. For these reasons in the Old
Testament marriage was seen as the norm.
There is, however, another, bigger reason why marriage was the norm. The
whole story of salvation after humanitys fall into sin begins with Gods call
and promise to Abraham: God says: I will make you into a great nation. I
will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others. I
will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt.
All the families on earth will be blessed through you (Genesis 12:2-3). God
promises salvation to the world through the offspring of Abraham. God
promises a name for Abraham through his family.
That family became the people of Israel. And in Israel offspring mattered.
Through the offspring of Israel, God was going to save the world. You had a
part in Gods people and in Gods plan by having offspring. So King Saul
says to David: Swear to me therefore by the Lord that you will not cut off
my offspring after me, and that you will not destroy my name out of my
fathers house (1 Samuel 24:21). There was a whole system of levirate
marriage. If a man died, his wife would marry his brother and their firstborn
son would carry the dead mans name so that his name lived on among the
people. When Boaz marries the widow Ruth, he says: I have acquired Ruth,
the Moabite widow of Mahlon, to be my wife. This way she can have a son to
carry on the family name of her dead husband and to inherit the family
property here in his hometown (Ruth 4:10).
Singleness was something to grieve over. When the daughter of Jephthah is
to be killed, she asks for two months to grieve: Let me go up and roam in
the hills, she says, and weep with my friends for two months, because I will
die a virgin(Judges 11:37). She does not grieve, as we might imagine, for her
imminent death, but for her virginity. She is going to be left without
descendants, without a place in Israels history, without a name. Psalm 127:35 says:
Children are a gift from the LORD;
they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man
are like arrows in a warriors hands.
How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!
He will not be put to shame
when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.
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There are good reasons for singleness

With this mind, listen to the words of Isaiah 54. This passage comes
immediately after the famous chapter which describes how Gods servant
suffers in the place of his people, taking the punishment of their sin: He was
pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins, says Isaiah, talking about
Jesus (Isaiah 53:5). Then in 54:1 Isaiah bursts out:
Sing, O childless woman,
you who have never given birth!
Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem,
you who have never been in labour.
For the desolate woman now has more children
than the woman who lives with her husband, says the L ORD
Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
Dont be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth
and the sorrows of widowhood.
For your Creator will be your husband;
the LORD of Heavens Armies is his name!
He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
the God of all the earth. (Isaiah 54:1, 4-5)
Because of what Jesus will do, the single woman and the barren woman have
a reason to sing. For she will have more children than the woman who lives
with her husband. The death of Jesus will produce offspring and they will be
many (53:10-11). Moreover, God himself will be a husband, taking away the
shame of the single woman.
Or listen to Isaiah 56. Here God addresses eunuchs. They have been unable
to have children through some physical problem or through some former
pagan ritual. Either way the message is clear.
Dont let the eunuchs say,
Im a dried-up tree with no children and no future.
For this is what the LORD says:
I will bless those eunuchs
who keep my Sabbath days holy
and who choose to do what pleases me
and commit their lives to me.
I will give them within the walls of my house
a memorial and a name
far greater than sons and daughters could give.
For the name I give them is an everlasting one.
It will never disappear! (Isaiah 56:3-5)
The singles say, I have no children and no future. And God says, I will
give you a name an everlasting name. And I will give a reward far greater
than sons and daughters could give.
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This is because Jesus has now come. So being part of Gods people and being
part of Gods future does not depend on marriage or children. When Jesus
mother and brothers come for him, he says: Who is my mother? Who are
my brothers? Then he looked at those around him and said, Look, these are
my mother and brothers. Anyone who does Gods will is my brother and
sister and mother. (Mark 3:33-35).
Marriage is a temporary institution. Jesus says there will be no marriage in the
new creation (Matthew 22:30). Marriage is a picture. Relationship with God in
Christ is the reality to which it points. And that relationship lasts forever.
Commenting on the words of Jesus, John Piper says:
Blessed is the womb that bore you, and the breasts at which you nursed! a
woman cried out to Jesus. And he turned and said, Blessed rather are those who
hear the word of God and keep it! (Luke 11:27). The mother of God is the
obedient Christian married or single! Take a deep breath and reorder your world.
Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or
mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, Jesus said,
who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and
sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to
come eternal life (Mark 10:29-30). Single person, married person, do you want
children, mothers, brothers, sisters, lands? Renounce the primacy of your natural
relationships and follow Jesus into the fellowship of the people of God. 40
When we looked at marriage, we saw how marriage illustrates some great

truths about Gods covenant love for his people. But after Jesus, singleness
now also illustrates some great truths about Gods salvation. John Piper says
that singleness reminds us all:
1. That the family of God grows not by propagation through sexual
intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ;
2. That relationships in Christ are more permanent, and more precious, than
relationships in families
3. That marriage is temporary, and finally gives way to the relationship to
which it was pointing all along: Christ and the church the way a picture
is no longer needed when you see face to face;
4. That faithfulness to Christ defines the value of life; all other relationships
get their final significance from this. No family relationship is ultimate;
relationship to Christ is.41
In the New Testament, therefore, all the good reasons for getting married are
still there. Now, however, there are also good reasons for remaining single.
Jesus says: Some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of
Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can (Matthew 19:12). Some people
decide they can serve God better by remaining single. Jesus himself did not
marry.
John Piper, Single in Christ: A Name Better Than Sons and Daughters, April 29, 2007
(desiringgod.org)
41 John Piper, Single in Christ: A Name Better Than Sons and Daughters, April 29, 2007
(desiringgod.org)
40
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Neither did Paul. He says: I wish everyone were single, just as I am. But
God gives to some the gift of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness.
So I say to those who arent married and to widows its better to stay
unmarried, just as I am (1 Corinthians 7:7-8). He explains why:
I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend
his time doing the Lords work and thinking how to please him. But a married man
has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His
interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has
never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a
married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her
husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want
you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as
possible. (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
Singleness brings its own opportunities to serve God. It enables you to do

things that married people cannot do or cannot do so fully.
Paul calls marriage a gift and he calls singleness a gift. Some of us may feel
that singleness is an unwanted gift: it feels like the orange jumper your
grandmother gives you at Christmas that you will never wear. But God invites
us to see it as a gift. It is an opportunity: an opportunity to serve God. It is an
opportunity to delight in God. God offers you a gift far greater than sons
and daughters could give (Isaiah 56:5). Will you accept his gift?
Whether you are married or single, God has given you your present status. So
do not live as a not-yet-married person or as a left-on-the-shelf person. Do
not cope with singleness; that assumes singleness is some kind of problem
or illness. Live as a person gifted by God with singleness. Grasp the
opportunities it brings with enthusiasm. The question you need to ask is not,
God, why have you not given me a spouse? The question you should ask is,
God, what are you doing with and through my singleness?42
The same principle applies, incidentally, to married people. Do not live as a
married-but-wanting-a-single-life person. Live as person gifted by God with
marriage with all the responsibilities that brings. If you are a parent, do not
try to live the life of a childless person. Whatever your status, do not envy
other people, but see your situation as a gift from God.
A little later in 1 Corinthians Paul says: A spiritual gift is given to each of us
so we can help each other, or for the common good (1 Corinthians 12:7;
see also 1 Peter 4:10). It is the same word that Paul uses to describe the gift
of marriage and the gift of singleness. Your singleness is not your own. It is
not an identity, an excuse or a bitterness that belongs to you. It is given to
you to serve others. It is to be used to bless God and his people. (Again the
adapted from Carolyn McCulley, Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God for a Hope Deferred
(Crossway, 2004), 21
42
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same is true of marriage. It is not merely your marriage, but a gift given to you
to serve your spouse, your children and the church.)
How do you decide whether you have the gift of singleness? How do you
decide whether you can serve God best single or married? The first thing to
say is this: if you are single then you have the gift of singleness! It may or may
not mean you will always be single. While you are single, however, see it as a
gift from God. See it as an opportunity to serve him. See it as an opportunity
to be devoted to him.
Second, a decision about marriage and singleness should be determined by
your circumstances. It is not some mystical calling. It is determined by two
things:
1. Your opportunities to serve God

You may decide there are good reasons for you to single at this point in time
because it enables you to serve God better. You may want to serve God in a
single-gender context. You may want to serve God in a dangerous situation.
That may be what was facing the Christians in Corinth when Paul advises
them to remain single. In 1 Corinthians 7:26 he gives his advice in the light of
the present crisis.
2. Your opportunities to get married

You may stay single because you have not yet found someone suitable to
marry.
In 1956, Jim Elliot and four other missionaries landed on a small strip of land
in the jungles of Ecuador. They wanted to reach a remote tribe who had
never heard the good news of Jesus. For three months they had been
dropping gifts by plane. On Friday 6 January three Aucas approached them.
They exchanged greetings and gifts. Three days later they failed to radio in. A
search party was sent. They found four of their bodies murdered, the fifth
was never found. They did, however, find Jim Elliots diary. These are the last
words he wrote before being martyred.
I walked out to the hill just now. It is exalting, delicious, to stand embraced by the
shadows of a friendly tree with the wind tugging at your coattail and the heavens
hailing your heart, to gaze and glory and give oneself again to God what more
could a man ask? Oh, the fullness, pleasure, sheer excitement of knowing God on
earth! I care not if I never raise my voice again for him, if only I may love him,
please him. Perhaps in mercy he shall give me a host of children [i.e. converts] that I
may lead them through the vast star fields to explore his delicacies whose finger
ends set them to burning. But if not, if only I may see him, touch his garments, and
smile into his eyes ah then, not stars nor children shall matter, only himself.
O Jesus, Master and Centre and End of all, how long before that glory is yours
which has so long awaited you? Now there is no thought of you among men; then
there shall be thought for nothing else. Now other men are praised; then none shall
care for any others merits. Hasten, hasten, Glory of Heaven, take your crown,
subdue your kingdom, enthrall your creatures.
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Courtship
Exercise
Read Song of Songs 1:7-2:7.
What is happening here?
What is the conclusion?
What principles are there for going out today?
Song of Songs 1:7 says:
Young Woman
Tell me, my love, where are you leading your flock today?
Where will you rest your sheep at noon?
For why should I wander like a prostitute
among your friends and their flocks?
What she says literally is, Where are you grazing? Where are you lying at
noon?
Think about the word bring for a moment. You cannot say I bring on its
own. You always need to say what you bring (Im bringing a cake). It is the
same with the word graze or lead in this verse. But she just says, Where
are you grazing? Modern translations add your sheep. But she is being
more ambiguous. She leaves it unclear who he will be grazing because grazing
can also be an erotic word. In 6:3 she says: I am my lovers, and my lover is
mine. He browses [that is, grazes] among the lilies. Proverbs 29:3 talks about
a man who hangs around with prostitutes. It is literally grazes among
prostitutes. She is using some innuendo here. She is not being lewd or rude.
But she is being suggestive. She is asking him for a date, for an assignation.
Young Man
If you dont know, O most beautiful woman,
follow the trail of my flock,
and graze your young goats by the shepherds tents.
His response is to say, Follow my sheep and youll find me. He goes on:
You are as exciting, my darling,
as a mare among Pharaohs stallions.
How lovely are your cheeks;
your earrings set them afire!
How lovely is your neck,
enhanced by a string of jewels.
We will make for you earrings of gold
and beads of silver.
Comparing a woman to a horse probably would not go down well in our

culture. But the NLT translation helps us here. It is literally Pharaohs
chariots, but Egyptian war-horses were all stallions. There was a famous
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incident in which an opposing army released a mare among the Egyptian

chariots to send the stallions into a frenzy and create chaos. The mare was
quickly killed thus saving the day for the Egyptian army. So what this lover is
saying is, You drive me wild! You make me feel like a stallion on heat. But
notice, too, that what he praises is still fairly restrained. Later he will describe
her breasts in some detail. But at this point he has not seen her breasts. What
he describes are her cheeks and her neck.
Listen, too, to the way the young woman speaks:
Young Woman
The king is lying on his couch,
enchanted by the fragrance of my perfume.
My lover is like a sachet of myrrh
lying between my breasts.
He is like a bouquet of sweet henna blossoms
from the vineyards of En-gedi.
In verse 16 she says that the soft grass is our bed. Here are the lovers lying
out in the fields together (verse 7). She describes him as her king. And notice
the way the Song appeals to every sense: sight, touch, hearing, taste (all those
references to wine and honey) and smell. Their loving is both sensual and
sensuous.
The couple then start praising each other.
Young Man
How beautiful you are, my darling,
how beautiful!
Your eyes are like doves.
Young Woman
You are so handsome, my love,
pleasing beyond words!
The soft grass is our bed;
fragrant cedar branches are the beams of our house,
and pleasant smelling firs are the rafters.
Young Woman
I am the spring crocus blooming on the Sharon Plain,
the lily of the valley.
Young Man
Like a lily among thistles
is my darling among young women.
Young Woman
Like the finest apple tree in the orchard
is my lover among other young men.
I sit in his delightful shade
and taste his delicious fruit.
He escorts me to the banquet hall;
its obvious how much he loves me.
Strengthen me with raisin cakes,
refresh me with apples,
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for I am weak with love.

His left arm is under my head,
and his right arm embraces me. (Song of Songs 1:15-2:6)
Tasting his fruit in verse 3 is probably a reference to kissing (raisins and

apples are erotic images), and in verse 6 they are obviously also cuddling. But
then comes an important warning, one that recurs elsewhere in the Song:
Promise me, O women of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles and wild deer,
not to awaken love until the time is right.
The sexual desire between these lovers is becoming stronger. But they are
also careful to ensure it does not get out of hand. The young woman warns
people not to awaken desires before they can be consummated within
marriage. The third section of the Song of Songs describes the lovers
marriage and ends with their sexual consummation (3:6-5:1). The first two
parts, however, both end with the same line: do not awaken love until the
time is right (2:7; 3:5). It is repeated again towards the end of the Song so it
becomes almost like a refrain (8:4). This great celebration of sexual love also
contains the warning not to awaken sexual desire outside of marriage.
I want to highlight two principles that emerge from this:
1. Do not awaken love until the time is right

Do not generate passions that you cannot control. The line is literally, Do
not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. In other words, Do not arouse
sexual love until it can find it fulfilment within the covenant of marriage.
The couple kiss. They embrace. But at this stage they go no further.
A good rule of thumb for courting couples is this: do not do in private what
you would not do in public. Indeed do most of your courting in public in
groups. There are three reasons for this:
1. It prevents the relationship becoming emotionally intense too quickly.
2. It allows the Christian community to be part of your courtship, giving
advice and perspective.
3. It creates from the beginning a relationship that is serving and open rather
than exclusive and introverted. (In my experience introverted courtships in
which the couple are preoccupied with each other lead to problems early in
marriage because the couple quickly find they cannot be everything to each
other.)
2. All courtship should have marriage as a possibility

The warning, Do not awaken love until the time is right looks ahead to the
right time, and the right time is marriage. Dating, going out, courtship
whatever you call it is a relationship of growing emotional intimacy. And
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marriage is the only context in which that growing intimacy can flower into
physical intimacy. So do not date unless marriage is a possibility. Do not mess
around with love. Do not start on the path of love (that is, courtship) if you
are not prepared to reach the goal of love (that is, marriage). You are storing
up trouble. You are brewing up pain. I do not mean that you must decide you
will marry someone before you starting going out. Going out is a way of
exploring whether marriage with this person is right. But do not go out with
someone whom you have no intention of marrying. A Christian should not
go out with an unbeliever because it is unwise for a Christian to marry an
unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:39).
Community
It is not good for man to be alone, said God about Adam. The solution
that God created to this problem was marriage. It remains true, however, for
singles: it is not good for single people to be alone. Therefore:
1. The church should be a family for singles

This means that marriages and biological families should not be introverted.
They should be open and hospitable. This does not mean people in the
church can be substitute husbands and wives, but we can be brothers and
sisters. The church family gives single people children. It offers
companionship; it offers opportunities to serve other; it offers care in old age.
God places the lonely in families, says the Psalmist in Psalm 68:6.
2. Beware of living alone

In my experience, living alone can make people self-indulgent because they
only have to please themselves. So share your life with other people. If
possible, share your home with someone else.
Contentment
Exercise
Look at Psalm 73:1-14.
What is the Psalmist saying? How might this apply to a
single person?
Truly God is good to Israel,
to those whose hearts are pure.
But as for me, I almost lost my footing.
My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone.
For I envied the proud
when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness. (Psalm 73:1-3)
Page 86
The Psalmist is thrown into turmoil by the way unbelievers seem to do so

well in life. This may be the way you feel about sex and marriage. You may
see friends getting married. Or you see friends getting lots of sex. People may
laugh at your commitment to purity. You may like to think they are not really
happy, but the truth is they do look pretty happy! And so you conclude as the
Psalmist does in verse 13: Did I keep my heart pure for nothing? Did I keep
myself innocent for no reason? I have been saying, No! to sex and, No!
to inappropriate relationships, but God has not delivered. I have not got a
spouse.
This is how the Psalmist thinks until he comes into Gods presence (verse
17). In Gods presence he sees the ultimate destiny of the wicked: they face
the judgment of God. They are on a slippery road, heading for the cliff of
destruction (verse 18). They may experience that in this life. A life of
infidelity or promiscuity often leaves pain in its wake. But certainly one day
they will face Gods judgment for living life without him. The Psalmist gets a
proper sense of perspective. He sees things from the perspective of eternity,
and that enables him to make this lovely declaration:
Then I realised that my heart was bitter,
and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever. (Psalm 73:21-26)
Is God enough for you? Is God enough for you in your singleness? Do you
feel like you need to be married to be complete, to be happy, to be fulfilled?
If God is not enough for you, then a husband or wife never will be. Because
marriage has become an idol in your heart. And idols never deliver. You are
creating hopes for a spouse that no future person could possibly ever deliver.
If God is not enough, then you are looking for a spouse to deliver what God
cannot deliver. The truth is, you are looking in the wrong place for the wrong
thing. C. J. Mahaney says:
Your greatest need is not a spouse. Your greatest need is to be delivered from the
wrath of God and that has already been accomplished for you through the death
and resurrection of Christ. So why doubt that God will provide a much, much
lesser need? Trust His sovereignty, trust His wisdom, trust His love. 43
Your main goal should not be marriage, as if fulfilment can only be found in
marriage. Marriage is not ultimate: there is no marriage in the new creation.
cited in Carolyn McCulley, Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God for a Hope Deferred
(Crossway, 2004), 20-21
43
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Making marriage your main goal is idolatry. Marriage points to the main
thing: a relationship with God. So your goal should be to know and serve
God.
Any other perspective leads to bitterness. I realised my heart was bitter, and
I was all torn up inside, says the Psalmist (verse 21). I wonder if that
describes how you feel about your singleness. Then you need to look ahead
to eternity. You need to look Jesus and to find joy in him. Whom have I in
heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth (verse 25). My
lover is mine, and I am his, says the young woman in the Song of Songs
(2:16; 6:3). It is a lovely thing to be able to say. But there is a much, much
better thing to be able to say: I belong to [God] and he is mine forever
(Psalm 73:23, 26).
Page 88
Unit 9.
Parenting
For ease of language, this unit assumes that you are a parent. But it should be easy for
other people to see how they can use these principles to help those who are parents.
Parenting is tough. Families offer security, acceptance, safety, love. But they
can also be places of conflict, defiance, suspicion. Parenting exposes our
hearts. Children are great. But they often drive us up the wall.
Loving authority
Exercise
Karen slumped onto the sofa. Its just the terrible twos,
her friend had told her this morning. But there was no just
about it. This was war! She loved Jack so much, but he was
driving her mad. Refusing to eat. Throwing food on the floor. Pulling books
off the shelves. Hitting his baby sister. Screaming on the supermarket floor.
She had tried reasoning with him. She had tried negotiation. She had tried
bribery. The truth was, she was not even sure what she was trying to achieve.
It just felt like crisis management. Then the baby monitor crackled into life.
Here we go again. Is there more to parenting than survival? she asked
herself.
Page 89
What would you say to Karen?

Read Ephesians 6:1-4.
What is expected from children and parents?
Why should children obey their parents?
What does it mean for parents to exasperate their children? Can you
think of examples?
Why does the writer point out that this commandment is the first with a
promise?
What does this passage suggest is the purpose of families?
Jesus went into Galilee, proclaiming the good news of God. The time has
come, he said. The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good
news! (Mark 1:14-15) The problem is that to most people today the rule of
God does not sound much like good news. We want to be free. We do not
want someone else ruling over us. We ask ourselves how the rule of God
could possibly be good news. This was the lie of Satan way back in the
Garden of Eden when the Serpent portrayed God as a tyrant holding Adam
and Eve back. But God is not a tyrant. His rule is a rule of blessing, freedom,
love, life, justice and peace. It is good news.
Look at Ephesians 6:1-4. At first glance, obeying parents might seem to have
nothing to do with living long in the land. However, verses 2-3 are a quote
from Deuteronomy 5:16 where Moses is recounting the Ten
Commandments. He ends by saying: So be careful to do what the LORD
your God has commanded you; do not turn aside to the right or to the left.
Walk in all the way that the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you
may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will
possess. (Deuteronomy 5:32-33) Gods people would live a life of blessing
in Gods land if they obeyed God. Anything else would lead to chaos, conflict
and destruction. Ultimately, if they rejected God, they would not live long in
the land: they would be exiled (as it turned out they were). Welcoming Gods
rule would lead to blessing. Rejecting Gods rule would lead to judgment.
That is true in families too. When people in families live for themselves, the
result is chaos, conflict and destruction. In families, we learn to live alongside
others, to negotiate differences and to express our views while tolerating
other opinions. However, it is not just about having a happy family or a
happy community. The family is the place where you learn to submit to
authority instead of living for yourself. Parents are Gods gift to children to
teach them how to live under authority. We learn to submit to authority
instead of living for ourselves by learning to submit to our parents.
We must not tell children off for being children. Children break things and
drop things. They get giddy and raise their voices. But teach them to submit
to your authority. Discipline disobedience. Do not let you child rule the
home. If you do, you will be teaching them that they are king in their lives.
Page 90
Children are not the centre of the world. Human beings were made for God
and to give him glory. That means that God is to be the centre of your
familys world. Closely linked to that is a commitment to serving others. A
gospel-centred family is a family that serves others to the glory of God.
Parents are to model Gods good, liberating, just rule in the way they bring up
their children. We are to show that it is good to live under authority. We are
to show that authority can be good.
Show that Gods rule is gracious

Gods kingdom is not good news if you are a rebel against God. For Gods
enemies his rule means judgment and we were all born as Gods enemies.
The good news is that when Jesus came as Gods King, judgment fell not on
us, but on the King himself. The King died on the cross in the place of his
enemies. God graciously makes it possible for his enemies to become his
friends.
Often parenting can feel like a battle. And the enemy is your two-year-old
who has just thrown their dinner on the floor (again), or your fifteen-year-old
who has just slammed the door on you (again). But still your job is to show
them what our Father in heaven is like. They need to learn to live under
authority. And they also need to learn of a God who welcomes his enemies,
loves his enemies and even gives his life for his enemies.
Your number one aim as a parent is to show how great it is to live under Gods reign
of love.
Reflect
1. Paul Tripp says that obeying parents means willing
submission to authority without delay, without excuse and
without challenge. Give examples of obeying with delay,
with excuse and with challenge.
2. What happens when people do not learn to live under authority? How do
they cope in society (school, work, officials, the police)? How do they relate
to God?
3. Consider this exchange:
Parent: Can you eat all your carrots up, please?
Child: Do I have to? Ive eaten my beans.
Parent: I want you to eat some more.
Child: Can I eat half? How about this many?
Parent: Okay. Then you can have some ice cream.
What is wrong with this exchange? How should the parent have handled it?
4. Is your home child-centred or God-centred?
Page 91
Gospel-centred hopes
Often our true values are revealed in the expectations we have for our
children. On Sunday in church gatherings we sing about how knowing Jesus
is the greatest thing. But often our priorities and hopes for our children
suggest that what matters most in life is educational development, career
development, social development, skills development. I have often heard
people say they would consider living in the city, but they are concerned
about their childrens influences and education. But that raises the question,
What do you want for your children? If you want them to serve Christ in a
radical, whole-hearted way, then model that for them in the way you live.
Our job is not to pressure our children into a life of begrudging duty. Our
role is to extol the surpassing greatness of Christ. We are to extol Christ so
much that everything else feels like rubbish in comparison.
Disciplining a parents heart

Consider the following true stories.
My daughter ran through the room, knocking over a chair and sending it into
a glass-fronted bookcase with predictable results. Stand still, I said calmly.
Okay, step over there and let me clear up the pieces. Our lodger stared at
me, open-mouthed. My Dad would have flown into a rage if Id done that,
she explained later. But it was an accident. And it was only a piece of
furniture.
My daughter pokes at her pizza with a scowl. Some friends of mine want to
meet my family, so they have taken us out for a meal. But my daughter has
other plans. So now my supposedly charming family cannot even manage
monosyllabic answers. They are not making a good impression. I am seething
inside. I am so cross. But I cannot let rip. After all, we are in a restaurant. So I
put on my stern voice. To no avail. Boy, are they going to get a piece of my
mind when we get home.
Reading these stories side by side, we are left with a profound question:
What makes the difference in these stories? Why do I sometimes get angry
and not at other times? Sometimes my children misbehave and I respond
with calm, loving discipline. But sometimes they misbehave and I get mad at
them. In fact, sometimes they have not really misbehaved at all and I get mad
at them.
Desires that battle within you

James says conflict arises from your desires that battle within you (James
4:1-2). The problem is not my childrens behaviour. The problem is my
desires battling with God for control of my heart. Sure, my children
Page 92
misbehave. But when my heart is undivided in its allegiance to God, I

respond with calm and loving discipline. But if my selfish desires are ruling
my heart, then I will respond wrongly. My discipline gets distorted by my
selfishness.
Often it will be a desire for something good. It is good to want your children
to respect you. But that desire controls my heart when it matters more to me
than Gods glory. Here are some wrong motives for discipline:
the desire for a quiet life
the desire for respect or appreciation
a fear of being embarrassed
wanting to have our own way or be in control
wanting your children to be a success
The important thing is teaching our children to obey God. It is when we
make ourselves the most important thing that we exasperate our children
(Ephesians 6:4).
Reflect
1. Think about the last time you got mad with your children.
What did you want in that moment?
2. Think of a time when your discipline was effective, and think of a time
when it was ineffective. What made the difference? What was going in your
heart on each occasion?
3. Look at each of these four great truths about God. How might a parent
behave when they do not embrace these truths?
a. God is great so we do not have to be in control
b. God is glorious so we do not have to fear others
c. God is good so we do not have to look elsewhere
d. God is gracious so we do not have to prove ourselves
4. Is your home parent-centred or God-centred?
Grace for a parents heart

How are you going to handle a defiant toddler? Your childs first school
detention? The evening when they stay out late? Their constant whining
about household chores? First, relax. Your intervention will not be perfect.
Your motives will be mixed. Your emotions will be in turmoil. But God is
gracious. He is gracious to you and he is gracious to your child. Perfectionism
crushes you. Grace brings rest even to the agitated parent.
Page 93
Reflect
Heres what the Bible does not say about parenting: We show
everyone what good Christians we are by having lovely
children. The more we do this, the more accepted we feel by
God. If we are good parents then we will know Gods blessing and have a
good standing in other peoples eyes. Then we can feel really good about
ourselves. Does any of this sound familiar? Compare it with what the Bible
really says in Romans 5:1-2.
Disciplining a childs heart

Why do children misbehave? Here are some options.
Its because hes tired.

Its the other girls at school they lead her astray.
She just gets a bit hyper.
His hormones are going crazy.
Too many video games.
Its all the additives they put in childrens food.
Its just the way he is.
Hes just hungry.
Hes misunderstood.
ADHD. (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)
I blame the parents.
These may all be contributing factors. But they do not get to the heart of the
matter.
Jesus says this: From within, out of mens hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual
immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy,
slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man
unclean (Mark 7:21-23). Evil behaviour comes from within, from our
hearts. Children misbehave because they have sinful, selfish hearts. The
source of all actions both good and bad is the heart. And that means
changing hearts matters more than controlling behaviour. Paul says that living
by a set of rules can appear impressive (Colossians 2:20-23). Rules can appear
to change behaviour. But they do not produce lasting results. They cannot
control sensual indulgence.
From controlling behaviour

If your aim in discipline is selfish (for a quiet life, for example, or your
reputation) then you will do whatever it takes to control your childs behaviour.
Here are some examples.
Page 94
Manipulation (Your sister did it okay.)

Fear (You wont know whats hit you.)
Bribery (Ill give you a sweet if you shut up.)
Emotionalism (After all Ive done for you.)
Inconsistency (Okay, just this once.)
to addressing the heart

If your aim, however, is to teach your child the ways of God, then your
discipline will be calm, clear, consistent and concentrated on the motives of
their heart. The goal is not control that is your agenda. Gods agenda is a
child who delights to know and serve him. Good discipline is:
1. Calm. The focus of discipline is the childs heart rather than your
emotional state.
2. Clear. Make your commands clear and make your discipline clear by
explaining why a child is being disciplined.
3. Consistent. Set consistent boundaries, always follow through with
warnings and be consistent between parents (saying things like, Yes, as
long as thats okay with your mother).
The most important thing about good discipline is that it is concentrated on
the heart. What does this mean in practice?
Focus on the motivation of your child, not just their behaviour. What did
you want? What were you hoping to achieve? Why did you do it?
What matters most to you? Help me understand what you were
thinking.
Listen hard to understand your children. Why are they frustrated,
miserable or angry? What do they want that they are not getting?
Cut through the mire of She said, he said, she started it, he started it
with a focus on the heart. Im not interested in who started it. You both
got angry because you wanted your own way.
Move away from boundary discussions (How far can I go?) to the
centre the spirit of love (Whats the loving thing to do?).
Realise that the child who sulks in their room is behaving as badly as the
child who shouts at you. The sulking child may suit your agenda (for
control or comfort), but they are expressing their selfishness just as much
as the shouting child.
Lead your child to Christ. We can change our behaviour at least a bit,
and for a while. But we need a Saviour to change our hearts. Acknowledge
that what you are asking is hard for your child. We need Gods help.
How about we pray? Godly discipline highlights for a child their need of
Christ.
Page 95
Reflect
1. Look at the following scenarios. What is the quick
behaviour-controlling response? What opportunities does
each situation present to address heart-issues? What
idolatrous desires might the comment or behaviour reflect?
Snatching another childs toy.
Everyone else has one.
Wet towels on the bedroom floor.
An argument over the last biscuit.
Foot-stamping and door-slamming.
Borrowing a siblings things without asking.
Its not fair.
2. Look again at each of these four great truths about God. How might a
child behave when they do not embrace these truths?
a. God is great so we do not have to be in control
b. God is glorious so we do not have to fear others
c. God is good so we do not have to look elsewhere
d. God is gracious so we do not have to prove ourselves
Teaching a childs heart

The Bible speaks of many different interventions we can make into a childs
life: encouragement, correction, rebuke, instruction, warning, teaching and
prayer.
Teach your children about God in the context of everyday life. Have a regular
Bible time with your children (most families make it part of either the
mealtime or bedtime routine). But also teach your children the story of
salvation when you sit at home and when you walk along the road
(Deuteronomy 6:4-9). Teach children to pray by praying with them.
Recognise, too, that children have many other voices in their lives. So shape
what younger children watch on TV, and shape how older children watch TV.
As they grow older, children spend less time under your supervision. So it is
not enough to regulate what they watch. Talk about what they are watching.
What did you like and why? How realistic was it? What message did it
convey? Ask about aspects that do not fit biblical values. Films often
connect with questions people are asking, so explore those connections
together and identify biblical answers.
Page 96
Grace for a childs heart

We are natural-born legalists. A legalist is someone who tries to make the
grade by doing the right things. Children are not immune. Look what Ive
done. Ive done it better than Ed. Will you let go me round to Janes if I
wash up? The challenge for parenting is that, if we are not careful, our
discipline can reinforce this innate legalism. Our children learn that good
behaviour earns acceptance while bad behaviour earns rejection. So we need
to communicate grace to our children.
That does not mean no discipline at all. Grace takes sin very seriously.
Instead, grace changes the way we discipline. We combine discipline with love
and acceptance. We discipline our children and point to the forgiveness won
on the cross. We accept our children as they are, but with an agenda for
change.
1. Discipline and then stop. Do not make them feel they have got to get back
in your good books.
2. Always show acceptance to your child when you have disciplined them.
There should be no hint of rejection. Discipline and then cuddle.
3. Do not use bribery to control your children. Bribery is another word for
legalism. Teach children to do the right thing because it is the right thing
not because of any unrelated reward.
4. Make sure your child knows you discipline them because you love them.
You are not trying to make them into someone you will find loveable.
5. Do not compare your child to other children. Why cant you be like
Jonny? At least youre not as bad as Susie. Did you get a better grade
than your friends?
6. Say sorry to your children when you do not get it right. Do not pretend to
be perfect. Let them know that you are a sinner in need of Gods grace.
7. Above all, bring your children to the cross. Teach them about the cross.
Extol the cross. Thank God with them for the cross. Sing about the cross.
Children as a gift
Children are a gift from the Lord. In the midst of trying hard to be a good
parent, do not forget to receive the gift with thanks. Enjoy it. And think, too,
how you can help your children enjoy their family life. Every now and then,
plan to create a memory for your children something they will look back
on affectionately in years to come.
Last updated 8th October 2010
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The danger of anger

Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding,

The addictive nature of anger

The good of anger

Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding,

According to the Bible, it is just as sinful never to get angry as it is to blow up

Why it goes wrong

In verse 29, we see an anger that is disproportionate to the cause. Our

In other words, to be angry is to act foolishly: an angry person is a fool. The

When do you get angry?

Complete the arrow part of the worksheet (#1) at the

How do you get angry?

What happens when you get angry?

Why do you become angry?

A right response to anger

Humble yourself before God

Repent of your desires and anger (4:8-10)

Getting to the heart of anger

1. When do you get angry?

4. Why do you get

2. How do you get angry?

3. What happens when

Appendix: Proverbs on anger

The problem according to the world

The problem according to the Bible

The solution according to the world

The solution according to the Bible

Conflict resolution as a gospel

The fear of others

The fear of others enslaves us (being me-centred)

Is self-esteem a critical concern for you? If self-esteem is a recurring

controlling desires. As a result, we are controlled by other people. Our

When we are ruled by other peoples expectations or approval then we have

The fear of God liberates us (becoming God-centred, not me-centred)

The fear of God sets us free to love other people

The fear of God sets us free to be ourselves

The humility of Jesus

Pride wrecks our walk with God

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship (SCM, 1959), 142

we are children of disobedience. And grace gives us true estimation of

Summarised in Joe Thorn, Thoughts on Pride (www.joethorn.net, 29 August 2007)

Pride wrecks my relationship with other

Humility cannot be achieved

C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters (Geoffrey Bles, 1942), 71-73

Letters, C. S. Lewis creates a fictional correspondence between two demons

Humility cannot be achieved! Humility does not consist in trying to convince

The glory of God

The call to walk humbly before God is addressed in Micah 6 to you, O

The cross of Jesus

cited in C. J. Mahaney, Humility: True Greatness (Multnomah, 2005), 66

The result is a dreadful parody of the true meaning of sacrifice and

in verse 10 with Pauls statement: we are his workmanship created in Christ

The community of the cross

A ministry shaped by the cross

See Emil Brunner, The Mediator (Lutterworth, 1934), 435

Enjoy our differences

up of many members. It is absurd to think of a body consisting entirely of

Gifts are given to the community

be thinking in terms of the gospel; they will be alert to needs and

Service rather than self-fulfilment