PsychotherapyHELP presents:

Learn the Secrets of Successful Separation Counseling

By Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D., MFCC
"You are driving me nuts! I can't stand it. Every time that I try to get close to you, you push me
away. What is this … a course in separation? First, you abuse me and accuse me of all kinds of
crazy things. I'm tired of trying to explain to you and other people that I am innocent. OH, you
want to fight, don't you? Every time I talk to you, it ends up in some kind of big argument. You
kick me out, then you invite me back in. What am I … YO YO?"

Perhaps you don't know this, but some of the most difficult types of couples to treat in marriage
counseling are those who continually trade angry verbal and behavioral punches with one
another. These individuals are addicted to a separation/get back together again, primitive
gratification process. This “tit for tat” verbal warfare maintains a kind of dysfunctional balance in
an otherwise unsatisfying relationship. If you are one of those individuals caught in a revolving
door, get away from me pattern/let's get back together again relationship, you may be
fed up with this “follow the bouncing ball” situation.

Maybe there isn't enough to your life that you can feel good about, but you certainly have
enough energy to invest in the world of struggling complaints. If you're spinning your wheels and
getting nowhere, I have a respectful approach to the problem of separation. I understand that
you and your AO [alienated other] are very bright people. But, when it comes to this emotional
ping pong game, neither you nor your partner seem to be able to solve your problems in an
intelligent manner. Respectful unconditional regard seems to go out the window when high
emotional reactivity takes a hold of your relationship.

Well, the good news is that there is a much better and more successful way of counseling
distressed couples who just can't separate or get back together again. Older methods of
counseling people with separation problems seem to follow the session by session empathic
listening, and problem solving approach with very negligible progress for the relationship.
Therapy may do a lot of good for individual growth, but it doesn't get anywhere when couples
are swinging back and forth at each other. The most brilliant therapist eventually gets all caught
up in the whirlwind of "get away from me/come closer" patterns of relating. It takes a lot of
chutzpah to step outside of your situation and say, "Hold it! This isn't working. We are just
slamming each other around and spinning our wheels." The result is that you get all caught up
in becoming an expert in serial complaining.

No 1: Drop all kinds of judgments/beliefs that togetherness is the preferred way of being
in a relationship. If that were true, why are there so many miserable couples who are together
and not getting their real needs satisfied? And why are there so many couples that seem to
have reached an ideal together state, only to find themselves on the bottom of the divorce heap
at some point in their relationship?

No 2: Forget that separateness is such a bad thing. How did the idea of separateness ever
get such a bad rap in our collective unconscious anyway? From what I understand, Jesus never
got together with a woman and his separateness certainly produced some extraordinary states
of consciousness. Maybe we have been conditioned from the first man, Adam, who complained
to God that he was alone. After all, God himself is One and One alone. He didn't do so bad.

Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D. MFCC * http://www.nvo.com/psych_help * phannigphd@socal.rr.com * (818) 882-7404

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Besides, it only took a few paragraphs in Genesis for Adam and Eve, in their togetherness, to
mess up royally. Maybe, we are still paying the price for so much dysfunctional togetherness.

So, you ask what has this got to do with you. I'll tell you. If you have been in a relationship
where you are separating repeatedly and not getting anything beneficial out of it, then you are
doing something wrong. The mistake here is in constantly trying to get back together again.
Your brain is telling you that separateness is bad and only togetherness is good. Well, you
forgot to look at one little demon that operates in your separation/get together again operations.
That demon is named, "Emotional Over Reactivity." What the hell happened to reasoning?

I forgot to mention one other evil spirit named, "Acting Out." Yes, there's all that righteous
anger and justification for perpetuating pathological and immature behavior. But, who cares,
let's get back together! After all, it only seems natural to want to get back together again with
your beloved pain in the butt. However, the automatic flight into togetherness may be one of the
most ineffective strategies in a world starving for effective solutions.

It has to be very painful to accept the notion that your Irrational emotional responses are
pushing you back together again before you accomplish the tasks of a therapeutic separation
process. If you are getting the picture here, you may begin to realize that you'll have to go
against the togetherness mentality that erroneously suggests, "you and your partner should
always be happy when you are together." What if I were to tell you that getting back together
again too soon will probably be a disaster. Think about that! Check out your past experiences
and track record when you and your partner have repeatedly tried to get back together again
before the real issues have been resolved.

Perhaps, you have some mistaken notion that if you get back together again, you will be able to
resolve your global conflict. I don't think so. This is one illusion that you may have to learn the
hard way to drop. If you don't believe me, check out your past relationships where all attempts
to get back together again, without resolution, led to dissolution.

No 3: Learn to do the necessary self work. In my system of Successful Separation

Coaching, you learn to pay attention to the differences between you and your partner during
the alone time that you spend separated from one another. You'll also learn how to do the
necessary self work to determine how you can be in each other's presence without feeling the
need to split for safer ground.

When a marriage hits the fan, a transference/countertransference takes place between the
warring partners and is usually undetected. The separating partners are locked into a battle that
has its roots in unresolved childhood pain. The ''get away from me/let's get together again"
pattern obscures and distracts the warring partners from the real underlying issues. They are so
busy pushing and pulling each other in different directions that they neglect to work the deep
underlying feelings and the spiritual issues that plague their relationship.

When a safe and secure, uninterrupted separation program has been instituted, the partners are
then free to work through the repressed emotions that are the real problems in their relationship.
It is also during this time, that they can benefit from counseling in intensive relationship building
skills. By getting down to each partner's bottom line without the distraction of the
"Separate/Come back together again” pattern, this program allows them time to eliminate the
emotional junk and unwanted/unneeded love killing behaviors that they bring with them into the
relationship.

Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D. MFCC * http://www.nvo.com/psych_help * phannigphd@socal.rr.com * (818) 882-7404

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This program necessitates the enforcement of complete separation, without any type of contact
for a period of at least three months. Then a six-week partial contact program can be instituted
based on the successful assessment of achievement of targeted goals. This program is so
structured that it does not allow for any contact of any sort for that designated period of time.
This intensive self work program is based on deep self and relationship exploration, without any
distractions or "In/out," manipulations. The separation period is meant for deep personal work
devoid of any efforts by the warring parties to hold onto or push away each other.

The time must be spent alone working on the self emotionally, while deeply exploring personal
contributions to the relationship destruction. This separation period is aimed at exploring and
changing the self and modifying personal goals in concert with what is significant in one's life.
This very important separation experience allows the individual to search and solidify, "What do
I really want and need in my life and what am I willing to do to achieve what is right for me?" It
also asks the very important question, "Do I really want to be married to this person and does
this person want and need to be married to me?" I might add that this separation process also
offers the opportunity to learn what constitutes effective relationship and marriage building
strategies.

The Three Month Intensive Plan

The entire plan is explained to you, based on the idea that you can learn about yourself and
what works for you. In order for it to work, the plan only requires that one spouse agrees to
participate. This paper and other reading materials are given to you. But, the exact plan is not
described in this paper. The program requires a commitment to do the work and accomplish the
appropriate changes. I'll explain the reasons why the two of you need a very solid block of time
and space to exist between you, without any interruption whatsoever.

You will need to strictly adhere to the rule that there is absolutely no reason for the two of you to
see one another, talk to each other on the telephone, exchange any kind of messages, visit one
another or any other type of contact. Any violation of the command to separate completely will
render the program unsuccessful because you have submitted to your own reactions. In that
case, you will have to suffer inevitable consequences which usually leads to failure to resolve.
All arrangements can be made without the two of you ever having to make contact with one
another. Lawyers may be the only ones who can handle these contact matters. If you do not
adhere to this program you can expect complete failure and the probability of divorce.

If for any reason you cannot or will not read the appropriate materials, I will teach and coach you
on one or two principles at a time. You'll be required to spend about half an hour a day alone,
without any distractions, doing the necessary self work and going through a retraining process.
You may have to spend more than a half hour a day. You'll have to ask yourself how much time
am I worth spending on, each day. You will be with you and your partner will not, at least in the
physical sense. There cannot be any deviation or distraction from the absolute requirement of
spending uninterrupted, undivided attention time with your self, every single day. This time will
be spent in some sort of prescribed and evaluated method of self exploration, problem solving
and introspection. You'll probably find yourself involved with methods and techniques that are
unfamiliar. But, you will be required to master these experiential methods and the learning
materials that accompany them.

You will have to get used to the idea that you may be spending considerable time on the floor,
discovering appropriate positions that will allow you to gain access to the necessary altered

Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D. MFCC * http://www.nvo.com/psych_help * phannigphd@socal.rr.com * (818) 882-7404

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states that bring about your transformation and the rehabilitation of your relationship life. You will
have only you to deal with and how you can make your life, including your marriage, much
better. This is a period of moving out, on an up. The old will have to give way to the new and
your alone time will be your most precious currency.

There'll be certain binding rules aimed at ceasing and desisting from certain outside
relationships during this very important therapeutic separation. This total separation will require
abstinence from all other sexual experiences, dates, rendezvous or any other activities that
distract from the task and purpose of this intensive therapeutic experience. You will need to see
this experience as a Three Month Intensive Therapy Block or Module for Change.

Dealing With The Pain

I fully understand that you are going through enormous pain with the on-again/off-again nature
of your most important relationship. I also understand that there are huge differences in the way
that most people deal with their pain. Some people are suited for a more experiential, feeling
approach. Others may have an affinity for cognitive/behavioral strategies. Also, I would not want
to forget the spiritual element that is usually a part of your separation process. One thing is for
certain, you will learn a great deal through your Three Month Intensive.

A thorough assessment will be made of your therapeutic style and a well-fitted plan will be
designed for where you are at during this time in your life. You and your partner may require
different styles for dealing with your emotional pain. I have found that an integrated, combined
approach may be the best way to go, based on your internal healing model. You will not be
made to fit into any prescribed method unless you feel it is suitable for you. You can be assured
that all available reading materials will be suggested to you, in order for you to make an
informed choice. Otherwise, I will explain the different methods and options that you may wish
to explore and utilize.

I will only be too happy to explain the different therapeutic technologies that are available, so
that you can pick what feels right to you. Remember, these are your feelings and your pain will
constitute a major focus for your concerns. This may be a time of great emotional pain for you.
But, this separation experience will definitely teach you how to embrace and work your pain in
order to achieve your maximum personal development.

Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D. MFCC * http://www.nvo.com/psych_help * phannigphd@socal.rr.com * (818) 882-7404

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