Conclusion

An Honest Lullaby
A number of years ago when I was driving home from work, I heard a song
playingon the radio. The words struck something inside me so I turned up the
volume. Itwas a song by Joan Baez called "An Honest Lullaby." The words that
caught myattention were, "I look around and I wonder how the years and I survived.
I musthave had a mother that sang to me an honest lullaby."I found myself singing
the words over and over again for the next several days. Irealized that children who
grow up with debilitating shame never had anyone tosing that honest lullaby.Shame
is an isolating feeling. We keep it hidden. Yet the more we isolate it, hiding itbehind
the masks that were once demanded of us, the bigger it grows and thelonelier we
feel. The more shame we feel, the more internal anger we feel. Thegreater the
anger, the greater the fear of abandonment. We may express the anger orturn it
back on ourselves in the form of depression. We feel guilty in an attempt tosave our
attachment to others. Then, of course, we feel shame all over again.Feeling forced to
live behind a mask of a once considered acceptable self isdebilitating. It is also a
double bind. If we let ourselves and others see and hear ourshameful secrets, we
fear abandonment. If we don't, our shame increases and we cannever feel fully
accepted or loved by others. Of even more importance, we cannotfully love and
honor ourselves.I wish I could say that there is a magical solution to recovery from
debilitatingshame but I cannot. Unlike fairy tales, human pain has no magical
solutions. Thegood news is that stages of recovery are not difficult to understand.
Making aconnection regarding the shame with another human being is the first step
inrecovery. Yet, when one's life has been shame-based, connecting with another
aboutshame feels very risky.When our lives have been based on the deeply felt
internal belief that the only wayto survive is to selectively disown parts of ourselves,
it is difficult to trust enough tobegin to uncover those disowned parts. An individual
suffering from sexual abuse,for instance, feels that to share the abuse history with a
partner means certainrejection. Indeed, to hear oneself say the words out loud is
terrifying.Acknowledging to another means self-acknowledgement. Selfacknowledgementrequires us to feel not only the pain of the shameful emotion, its
characteristics orbehaviors, but also the dimensions of the mask that we have hidden
behind for alifetime. Once we have seen the mask and explored the pain under it, it
is hard towear it in the same way again. When a person who has been forced to hide
behind amask of being perfect and very, very good tells someone about a history
ofshoplifting, it's terrifying. He or she might wonder if they can ever be seen, or see
themselves as Perfect again. When Perfect shared her anger and feelings of
beingaverage for the first time or even allowed Human Being to see the stupid child
shethought she was, it felt momentarily devastating. When Human Being supported
herand validated her pain, she felt a real connection with another for the first time.
Theshame was then relieved. It would be difficult once she felt and shared
herimperfections to wear again the "perfect" mask. By that time, however, Perfect
didn'tfeel the need to cover herself as she once had.Facing shame also means
grieving the loss of the fantasy adult who raised us andseparating from their fantasy

person internally. It may mean seeing the real adult asthey are for the first time. It
means accepting ourselves as autonomous.When one experiences debilitating shame
throughout childhood, trust for self andothers is jeopardized or destroyed. It takes
a great deal of time with another to trustthem enough, or more accurately, trust
oneself with them enough, to share theshame. Trust involves testing.Perfect
uncovered her shame a little bit at a time. At first, she was only comfortablein tall
grasses. If Human Being had laughed at her, judged her, been silent or turnedaway,
she wouldn't have been able to gradually share more. He asked her
questions,listened, was empathetic and didn't turn away from her pain. Some of us,
however,don't find healthy "human beings" the first time we share deeply felt hidden
parts ofourselves. The defensiveness, coldness, or judgment we receive from those
who arenot in their own recovery from shame may increase our shame. Sometimes
itreinforces our belief that we can't trust ourselves and others. We may
temporarilyincrease the protection of our vulnerable self at all costs. We may cover
our woundswith more layers and masks. We might ignore ourselves and again adapt
to therequirements of others.It is important not to re-shame ourselves in the process
of our recovery. Thewounded child inside us doesn't need more injury. We need to
accept our ownpacing and give ourselves the right to test others before sharing our
shame. We canthen slowly begin to sing ourselves an honest lullaby. We need to
start turning downthe volume on those ghosts from the past. We need to be aware
of any shaming fromthose who are currently in our lives, then take the hand of the
wounded child insideus and lead her or him away. Above all, we need to begin to be
aware when we areshaming ourselves.Helen Lynd said it well in her book, On Shame
and the Search for Identity, "The veryfact that shame is an isolating experience also
means that if one can find ways ofsharing and communicating it, this communication
can bring about closeness withother persons and with other groups." (Lynd, p.
66)When I was a child in a shaming family, I used to blame myself when
othersemotionally kicked me. I would try to figure out what was wrong with me
andchange myself accordingly. When I was early in my awareness of my shamebasedhistory and was emotionally kicked, I would try to figure out why the other
wasinjuring me. Later in the process, when emotionally kicked, I would seek out
otherswho felt as wounded as I was. Now when I'm emotionally kicked, I tell the
kicker tostop and if they won't, I remove myself from their proximity. Then I seek
out those Ilove and who in turn love me so that I can share my feelings and ask for
comfort.