Sholom Bayit and Kids at Risk – An Excerpt from One

Above and Seven Below

As some of the most fundamental rules of salesmanship are also the most fundamental
rules of chinuch, they must be applied accordingly.1 Let us examine the most relevant of
these rules and see how we can apply them within the framework of chareidi society:

Rule #1 – The firmer the firm, the firmer the sales

A good salesman for a weak company is like a good jockey on a slow horse. Don’t expect
him to win too many races. In order for the salesman to succeed, the company that he
represents must be rock solid. People tend to avoid doing business with a shaky company
even if the product is infallible.
This brings us to the topic of shalom bayit – tranquility in the home. There is no
argument that chinuch starts at home. Every educator and youth professional
acknowledges that a weak home – poor shalom bayit – is the weightiest card in the game.
Mrs. Margolese devotes a complete chapter to this issue and it is certainly on target. The
main point is that every human being naturally seeks out a comfortable, stable, and pain-
free environment. Ideally, no place fits this bill better than the home. Yet, not all homes
are ideal and so, when conditions at home are more explosive than those on the streets,
the streets will more than compete with the home for “home field advantage”.
Nothing casts our children off the derech faster and surer than breaches in shalom bayit.
All of the bracha of the Bracha camp goes unnoticed by a young person when it all
remains outside his front mezuzah and none of it penetrates within. The Talmud in
tractate Gittin says that “when a man divorces his original wife, even the altar of the
sanctuary sheds tears.”2 Do you know why the altar sheds tears? I’ll tell you. It is because
all the time that the couple was at odds, there was an endless supply of korbanot
(sacrifices). Now that they finally divorced, the altar is worried that the constant flow of
korbanot may finally come to an end.
What is the chareidi take on all this?
Two things. First, there is a secret to maintaining healthy shalom bayit which only the
chareidim know. Not all of us, unfortunately, but at least the most dedicated chareidim.
And from whom do we learn this? Well, from the wisest of all men, of course (and the
one with the most wives - although he didn’t exactly bat 1.000, either). King Solomon
tells us “When G-d is pleased by the ways of a man, even his (the man’s) enemies make
peace with him.”3 The Midrash expounds:4 Rabbi Yochanan says, “his enemies” refers to

1
Mrs. Margolese corroborates this concept in a quotation on page 67 of her book. Here, I am merely
elaborating on the idea.
2
Talmud Bavli Gittin 90b
3
Proverbs 16:7
4
Yalkut Shimoni 954
his wife as is written “…the enemies of a man are the members of his household.”5 Thus,
we are told that one who goes in the ways that please G-d or, in other words, one who
“walks within My statutes…” - yes, we are back to Leviticus 26:3 - is placing an order
for an overnite express door-to-door delivery of shalom bayit.
The second thing is not explicitly mentioned by King Solomon with an accompanying
Midrash so I suppose it may be even a bigger secret. I will credit this concept to Rabbi
Avigdor Miller, ZT”L. And the big secret is this:
The time to work on shalom bayit is before you get married!6
Remember, that according to chareidi ideology, being Jewish entails a clear objective. In
this book, I have figuratively called it striving to reach the peak of Mount Neverest. What
the objective really is, is to perfect one’s character and gain wisdom and to then work on
improving society and the world at large (and when you’re done with that, you can…).
Every individual needs to have to have a plan as to how he intends to approach this
objective. As I wrote in chapter 2 the Talmud in tractate Berachot7 offers two valid plans
– one sponsored by Rabbi Yishmael and one sponsored by Rabbi Shimon ben Yochai
(perhaps there are others, but these are the only two that I am familiar with). And, as the
cell phone companies say, you have to pick the plan that’s just right for you.
Getting married also entails a clear objective and it will only succeed if the objective for
getting married is an extension of the objective to reach your ultimate goal. Otherwise,
the objectives will conflict and one will be sacrificed for the other. Thus, when one
searches for a marriage partner, it pays to see to it that he or she shares your ultimate
objective and is suited to your specific plan.
Those chareidim that implement these two secrets invariably fare much better than the
rest of the population in this regard. Yet, there are no guarantees. Even the most
dedicated chareidim are vulnerable. The opening chapters of Job tell us that the more
devout we are, the more we are tested. The higher up we go, the harder the climb. At
times, when we have the strength to move up, the other members of our team can‘t keep
up with us. It is oft times easier to share the objective at a lower level than at a higher
one. Furthermore, when we are faced with circumstances that are out of the ordinary we
sometimes become different people than those who we ordinarily are. These issues can
loosen even the tightest ships in our fleet and be the cause of more korbanot.
To deal with this, there is one more chareidi secret presented by one of my all-time
favorite chareidim, King David. This comes from the Talmud in tractate Berachot:8
King David writes, “For this shall a chassid (i.e., chareidi – see chapter 9) pray to you at
his time of finding, only that a flood of many waters shall not reach him.”9 Rabbi

5
Michah 7:6
6
I know. For many readers it’s too late!
7
Talmud Bavli Berachot 35b
8
Talmud Bavli Berachot 8a
9
Psalms 32:6
 Chanina says, “time of finding” refers to [finding] a wife as is written, “He who has
found a wife has found [that which is] good.”10
This tells us that no matter how chareidi we are, if we do not pray for G-d’s help, we are
liable to be washed away in the tsunami. And if you are not yet married, there is no better
time to start praying.
So now we know the chareidi take - One must be on the derech to maintain shalom bayit
and one must maintain shalom bayit to stay on the derech.

10
Proverbs 18:22