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What to
Think. What to Do
This post reveals the issue of how to control your negative emotions. The article will reflect
three levels of emotion management: Know, Think and Do.
First of all, you should know some things about the nature of emotions. The lack of ability to
manage your feelings is related to some beliefs and stereotypes. In the Know Section, Im going
to dispel these false beliefs and tell you why negative emotions need to be controlled, and whether
this control is possible or not. Also, I will tell you what exactly I mean by negative emotions.
In the Think Section, I will tell you about what rational attitudes you should get rid of in order not
to let your feelings constantly gain upper hand over you, about what exactly you should think if you
want to overcome your negative emotions.
Do is the part of the article, which is closely related to practice. In this part, I will describe the
specific techniques by means of which you will be able to manage your emotions, to relax, to get
rid of your anger, fear and panic.
These three sections reflect the actual steps of negative emotion management. First, you should
know something about emotions. Second, you will need the ability to direct your thinking in the
right way and to get rid of the thoughts, which prevent you from gaining the upper hand over your
emotions. Third, you will definitely need to master the techniques, which allow you to pull yourself
together and to settle your thinking.
Emotion management is a difficult, many-sided and complex process and I tried to reveal its steps
more fully. Therefore, the article is very informative.
Self-control is an art and a science. You should know a lot of things in order to master the skill. I
hope that you will get the maximum information from my article.
Part 1: Know
1 Emotions Can Be Controlled
I cannot say that the idea of emotion control is popular in our society. The whole mass culture is
permeated by the atmosphere of emotion domination over our personality.
The plot of classic literature is built around the mad passions overcoming the heroes: thirst of
revenge, lust, uncontrolled passion, fear.
The movie characters commit inconsiderable and fatal acts in the name of love and greed of gold.
On TV screen and theater stages, we constantly see strong emotions: people are swearing, yelling,
getting ticked off and crying.
The western art is sealed with a human servility toward violent feelings and sudden impulses.
We used to think that our emotions represent a certain primacy of our personality, which
completely determines its behavior. Many of us treat feelings, as an uncontrollable element that we
cannot tame. It seems to us that all we have to do is to obey this element.
Like ancient people who worshiped the element, which they could not control and understand,
people idolize their emotions. They take mad sensual impulses as beauty, poetry, inexorable fate,
predestination and inevitability. They blame their feelings on their actions (I was angry, annoyed
and I could not help myself, so Im not guilty).
But, contrary to fashion, popular opinions of emotions can be controlled. Its time to break down
stereotypes)!
and all its departments are directed to maintain this goal, which is achieved by the coordinated
operation of these departments.
However, some company departments can work worse than others, for example, showing some
lack of discipline. It does not mean that the whole corporation is undisciplined, and it does not
reflect the fact that the problem cannot be eliminated. Other departments can have an impact on
certain parts of the organization; for example, improving the discipline with the help of new
technologies of controlling the employees work. It is possible to say that the corporation controls
itself.
The same thing occurs in the brain, in which we see the work and cooperation of different
departments.
Impulsive desires originate in the limbic part of the brain, and self-control originates in the
prefrontal cortex. When we try not to eat in the evening the cake we want, the prefrontal cortex is
activated, and runs the self-control.
From neurobiologys point of view, the self-control is certainly possible.
There are known cases, when as a result of brain injuries, the prefrontal cortex got damaged, and
people with such an injury almost completely lost the ability to control their desires (for example,
they sexually harassed their relatives).
A well-developed self-control reflects the developed brain and mature consciousness. Who of
people control their desires and feelings worst? Children! Because their brains are not as developed
as the adult ones.
The same goes for animals, whose behavior is based on instincts and they have few opportunities
to get involved in their work.
But the brain of a mature person is much better developed, than the animals brain. A person
possesses autonomy! If a person controls his emotions badly, then he is likened to children or
animals.
It is possible to improve the work of our prefrontal cortex. I will tell about it in the Do part of this
article.
control varies from person to person. Someone, because of his profession, has to control his
feelings constantly, such as service workers or professional poker players.
Look at these people; if they learned to control their emotions in the course of their life, then it is
possible. A person can develop the ability to control his feelings by himself. The greatest skill in this
ability has been achieved by yogis and monks that belong to the Eastern and other religions. You
dont have to become a Buddhist monk in order to control your passions.
But we can learn from them a lot of useful techniques. And this is also the subject of this article.
Being overwhelmed with passions and thirst of your satisfaction, you become like a drug addict
who is busy searching for a new dose of the drug, although he perfectly knows that this path leads
only to suffering.
Some emotions cause nothing but suffering, such as fear and agitation. Of course, these feelings
arise in a person for a reason. We cannot say that fear is only a negative and useless feeling. Fear
is designed to signal the danger. In the wild, this feeling aims at maintaining the individual survival.
Agitation reports about a problem by directing your thoughts in the direction of its solution.
But often, these emotions perform no useful function. A quite normal protective fear can be
transformed into phobias and uncontrollable social fears. Agitation can turn into nervousness on
every occasion.
I cannot classify, for example, fear only to negative feelings, because it, in certain manifestations,
represents protective function.
Within the division of emotions into positive and negative, I use the quantity criterion that is set by
the power of our experiences and their influence on our lives. There is nothing wrong with the
sexual desire itself. But when the desire is transformed into lust and becomes unmanageable, it
passes to the negative emotion rank. (Yes, I attribute some physiological needs to emotions as
well: need for food, need for sex. After all, these needs have a profound impact on our sensual
world.)
The same is true of the need for eat. Even the feeling of being in love needs to be controlled,
because it can lead to inconsiderable acts. The same feelings can be both positive (or neutral) and
negative.
Not all pleasant feelings are positive, and not all unpleasant are negative.
For example, I cannot attribute the malicious pleasure, which many people experience, when
people around them are in a bad way, to positive emotions, despite the fact that it is a pleasant
feeling. After all, this feeling results from envy and personal problems.
And the anxious feeling, which arises when you remember that you forgot to take your child
away from the kindergarten is not a negative emotion. You do not have to think about how to get
rid of this feeling, just because it is unpleasant. Get into the car and take your child!
I want to say that negative emotions are those emotions that bring unhappiness to you and to
people around you, they deprive you of freedom of will and do not bring you any benefit,
irrespective of the fact whether these feelings are pleasant or unpleasant!
For a good reason I headlined the section with the principle of relations between suffering and
negative emotions. Namely it determines the moment, the extremum point, when our emotions
serve no survival purpose and convert to negative emotion rank!
This principle explains why you need to control your emotions. It should be done in order to get rid
of suffering, lack of freedom and bad consequences caused by inconsiderable actions.
I examine the definition of negative emotions in detail. The reader should clearly understand the
terms used by the author.
I agree with the Christian concept of the seven deadly sins, although I am not a religious person. I
believe that the listed vices are the cause of many human sufferings. By my list of negative
emotions will be wider, than the seven deadly sins of Christianity.
I attribute the following things to the negative emotions: phobias, envy, exaggerated vanity,
laziness, depression, offense, anxiety, lust, gluttony, boredom, addiction, servility, cowardice,
shyness, self-doubt, self-accusation tendency and other emotions.
The emotion suppression is associated with situations, when we simply get distracted from
unpleasant experiences, mask them, for example, by means of alcohol, when we do not want to
understand the reasons that have generated these emotions, and simply try to get distracted from
them and to escape them. Then, of course, they will not disappear.
The emotion control is related to the source elimination of experiences, problem solving, emotion
acceptance and their analysis, getting rid of negative reason affirmations, use of effective selfcontrol methods, etc.. In short, self-control is much more difficult than feeling suppression, but it is
much more effective.
Sometimes, in order to get rid of negative emotions, it is necessary to solve a problem and to
understand yourself. In other cases, you can simply relax and get rid of stress, and this will lead to
getting rid of bad experiences.
Imagine that you had a difficult and long day at work. You came home angry because you were
very tired. But then, you took a relaxing bath and your irritation passed! Can you say that you
have suppressed your feelings? No, because they were caused solely by fatigue, and having got rid
of that, you got rid of the accompanying feelings.
But not all emotional problems can be solved this way. In many situations, you need to understand
and find the problem source.
I never cease to quote Guy Ritchies movie Revolver: The greatest con, that he ever pulled
was making you believe that he is you. By he is meant a personalized set of fears, complexes,
false thoughts, the alter-ego of the movies main character (Jake). The alter-ego confronts Jake
and tries to have the whip hand over him. When Jake ceases to identify himself with his alter-ego
by realizing: you are not me; he wins it and is out of his control! Now he controls the Ego, not
Ego controls him.
You can watch the movie scene at the end of the article about panic attacks. This scene, perhaps,
is the best embodied in a cinema explanation of the idea about the identity absence between your
true self and your primitive, emotional Ego.
Stop identifying yourself with your primitive, limbic brain!
The feeling that you are your emotions is a deception, an illusion. Getting rid of this illusion is an
important, but difficult step to control your feelings.
However, this is not the final victory yet.
Part 2: Think
Further in this part, we will speak about reason affirmations, which help you manage the emotions.
I must say at once that emotions are very difficult to control it takes practice and discipline. Even
when you make great strides in self-control, you will fail to control your emotions. If you blame
yourself for every such case, nothing good will come of it.
Taking responsibility means looking after yourself constantly, finding the source of your feelings
inside you, working with it and not blaming external circumstances for everything: the hard work,
strict boss or boors on the roads.
Taking responsibility means not blaming your feelings for your actions as if it they represent an
element that you cannot cope with. Fatigue, stress, offense are not the excuse for your actions.
Your rudeness toward other people does not excuse the fact that you were too emotional, when
you yelled at someone. This means that you did not make sure that you can control them.
Taking responsibility is a resolute and courageous act. This is an important step toward self-control.
Therefore, when you think about your emotions, consider them on the part of the subject, i.e. you.
You should think I feel, and not something makes me feel.
You should think
Im worried about money, but not the lack of money makes me worry.
Remember, you are the source of your feelings, not the external reality.
The doctor is not involved in the sensual world of the patient and does not render him undue
familiarity. His task is to make an obvious diagnosis and put on medication.
Therefore, when you analyze your feelings, imagine that you are the patient and the doctor in one
person.
Make yourself a clear diagnosis, deprive your thoughts about your emotions of the excess content
and think of them as about some objective facts, not about some external events.
Do not think:
My neighbor bought a new car, which is more expensive than mine. Where from he got the money
for it? He got it (money) due to some dishonest means for sure.
Do think:
I envy my neighbor again.
It will teach you to see the source of your feelings inside you and not to identify yourself with
them.
person. There will always be some people, who will not feel sympathy for you. And those people,
who treat you badly, are not necessarily bad people.
And if someone does not like you, it does not always mean that you are bad. Every person is a
whole individuality. And often, peoples attitude towards other people depend on personal
affirmations, education, principles, available information, mental state and many other internal
factors on which you have no influence.
The problem of the attitude towards you is not always your personal problem! And it depends not
only on you, but also on your perceiving subject.
Therefore, it is impossible to please all and sundry. Consequently, what is the point of worrying
about this?
But a bad attitude towards you is not always just the problem of another person. Sometimes it can
point you to your weaknesses. And if so, then a bad, but fair, opinion on you will bring you only
benefits, because you can change yourself thanks to it! Its a good thing; therefore, it makes no
sense to worry about it! And if this opinion is not fair whats the point of worrying about that?
Make it a rule that one owes nothing to anyone. The principle that someone owes you something
exists only in your head, while the reality exists according to its own laws.
Accept the reality as it is and people as they really are.
Why should I be lazy? What will it bring to me, except works postponed for later?
Why do I get involved into pointless disputes? Whats the point? Can I have something
from it, except irritation and senselessly wasted time? Should I continue this absurd process?
Why do I get angry? My anger does harm to me and to people around me. What happens
if I yell at a person? Will it help him understand his shortcomings better? Will he treat me better?
Will it help me be more fair and tolerant to him?
Why I am afraid of something? If it is dangerous for me, then I should take measures and
there is no point to be afraid of. And if there is no danger, then there is nothing to be afraid of at
all.
Analyze not only the emotions, which you are experiencing right now, but also be aware of the
consequences of your past emotions. How much suffering and spoiled relations did anger bring to
you.
How many missed opportunities did lazy bring to you. How much spirit you wasted, because of
your constant worry?
Learn to accept negative emotions as obstacles in your life journey, of which you can get rid, and
not as givenness that you cannot cope with.
Do not be afraid to ask yourself the questions, Why and Whats the point. This will help you
understand the role of negative emotions in your life and realize that these feelings do not lead to
positive results and, therefore, you do not need them.
Of course, with the help of logic you can find out how many feelings of yours are meaningless. If
you analyze every arising negative feeling, then you will inevitably come to the conclusion that
worrying about something is pointless. Why should you worry about the problems that you cannot
solve? And if you can solve them, all the more reason not to worry at all!
Unfortunately, only logic and analysis are not sufficient to control your emotions.
Feelings will still appear, no matter what you may think. Emotion control is a complex process.
Getting rid of negative attitudes, taking responsibility for emotions, relying on logic and use
knowledge about the emotion nature are not enough. You should also act, use practices that
develop your prefrontal cortex and your skill of self-control. Namely this we will discuss in the next
section.
Part 3 Do
In this part of the article, I will list the applied methods of emotion control. And I will arrange them
in the following order: from fast, operational methods that allow controlling feelings in real time, to
methods that systematically develop your self-control at all times.
The latter methods are no less important, than the first ones.
After all, the emotion control is a complex skill. There are no quick and safe ways, which can help
you pull yourself together in absolutely any situation; therefore, you should constantly improve
your self-control.
Do not be afraid of them! Endure them! Perceive them as a slight pain that anyone can endure. The
unpleasant feelings are not a big deal at all.
Disregard all the thoughts that prevent you from acting, just step over this short-term pain and
discomfort, it isnt so difficult!
Lets consider another situation. What will happen to you, if you stop arguing with someone, let
him have his own opinion and stop convincing him? Its difficult to be done. You will feel strong
resistance, if you get involved in the dispute already. Its like drug craving of a drug addict. This is
a destructive emotional craving. Dont identify yourself with it!
Affirm to yourself that the dispute will take you nowhere and endure the internal resistance, which
will soon pass.
4 Accept Reality as It Is
I have already raised this question in the section about negative attitudes. But I will dwell on this
here, because this is very important! Acceptance is one of the main human virtues.
It consists in accepting things as they are. People are unfair, silly and cruel. You also happen to be
unfair, silly and cruel. Its a fact of life that you cannot negate. All you have to do is to accept it.
Many people behave impolitely on the roads. Its a fact of life, accept it.
Your colleagues think only of their career promotion and do not help you. Its a fact of life, accept
it.
You are not always the person you want to be. Its a fact of life, accept it.
Attention! Acceptance is not identical to blind submission in front of your and other peoples
weaknesses, which is expressed in the statement: I am who I am and I cannot help it.
Accepting does not mean to lose heart and obediently accept what reality dictates you. You should
act, try to change and improve conditions of your life.
But you cannot affect everything, change everything and all you have to do is either feel endless
frustration about it, or accept certain things as facts of life and stop worrying about them.
Of course, I insist on the second point.
This is a great way to take control of emotions. If you work off on somebody and start shouting,
then you will get nothing, except frayed nerves.
But if you start behaving in the opposite way, then you will not bring the situation to a catastrophe,
you will contribute to preservation of your and others emotional comfort and you will experience
some joy of positive emotions! You will feel that you can control what earlier seemed to be
unmanageable. Its an amazing feeling.
Acting against your emotions can also mean that you will do nothing, but simply ignore the
situation. For example, not to get involved in a dispute, not to cause an affray, etc
6 Meditate
There are a lot of different points and tips in the article. This one is the most important. Meditation
is a very effective exercise that allows you to control your emotions. It allows you not only to get
rid of the unwanted feelings at some point in time, but also develops your ability to self-control.
In other words, regular practice of meditation makes you less dependent on emotions and allows
you to take control of them in the most diverse situations.
According to studies, meditation increases the prefrontal gray matter volume. Namely this
department is responsible for self-control and willpower about which I wrote in the first part of the
article.
Meditation allows you to be aware of your emotions, notice your feelings when they first arise.
This practice makes a person more calm and balanced; as a result, emotions cease to be so
uncontrollable.
Such skills occur for a reason, not due to some magic. Meditation is a self-control training, during
which you learn to understand your emotions, without getting involved in them. As well as a runner
exercises in running, making daily jogs, the meditator exercises in self-control, when he learns to
control his attention while meditating, to keep track of his emotions and to stop them.
Read the article:
Therefore, avoid making important decisions or starting serious conversations, when you are tired.
Keep track of your state. Ask yourself: How do I feel now? Can I be mistaken now in those
matters, which require self-control?
If the answer to the last question is negative, then take proactive measures to prevent undesirable
situations.
Make a habit of constant watching yourself, your state and mood.
kindergarten). Try to find the source of these states and to understand what your emotions are
saying.
If you feel some bitterness, because you treated your wife unfairly, then no need to drive the
feeling away without understanding it! Perhaps, you should apologize? Or solve some relations
problems?
Do not use the techniques of emotion control and meditation in particular as means of lulling your
conscience and way of escaping from problems.
Use them to find your problems and solve them! After all, these ways provide a lot of means for
this purpose!