Transforming Difficult Children: How You Can Change the Lives of Challenging and

ADHD Children and Consistently Create Experiences of Achievement and Success.

A presentation given at the FDCA and IFDCO International Conference, July 2012, by Keith
Miller, Communication, Relationships, Behaviour and Parenting Consultant, Adelaide,
South Australia.
Introduction:
BAN BRATS FROM RESTAURANTS!...This was a media headline that grabbed my
attention recently, along with others that seem to appear almost daily, creating much spirited
public debate and discussion. The out-of-control behaviours of children and the inability of
parents, teachers, carers and health professionals to effectively manage these behaviours are
causing increasing concern. The destructive impact of extreme behaviours can tear families
apart, divide communities and leave children intimidated and fearful.
What do we need to be doing? Why dont normal methods work? These are
questions I am constantly asked by frustrated parents and professionals, who feel powerless.
In my roles as a communication, relationships and behavioural consultant, and health
professional, I work with adults to address these issues. Irrespective of whether a diagnosis
has been made (of ADHD, or otherwise), the bottom line is...we still need to find ways of
appropriately responding to the behaviours.
The exciting news is that you are capable of developing awarenesss and skills that will
enable you to initiate simple, positive steps that can turn around the lives, and behaviours,
of even the most extreme children in a relatively short period of time. I draw upon ideas
from my Respect-Based Approach and the Nurtured-Heart Approach of American
Psychologist Howard Glasser to achieve this.
First, you need to be consciously aware of what is happening now, and in what ways you
desire things to be happening (your vision), in order to determine options/strategies for
implementing change. I call this my GPS model (Where are we? Where do we want to be?
How do we get there?).
A challenge for you:
What is your vision (of being an educator, carer or parent)? It is important for you to
have in the forefront of your mind a clear idea of the type of relationship you want to with
your child/children and what qualities and values you wish to foster. It is then even more
important that you conduct yourself in a manner that is consistent with your vision and
values.
Once clear on where you are and where you want to be, focus can be placed on how to get
there. To do this we need to look at the experience of the child, what you need to be doing
and how you need to be doing it.

The Experience of the Child:

To understand the experience of the child we must look at their needs as well as what is being
communicated. Maslows Hierarchy of Needs has been around for decades, but is still
widely referred to with respect to human needs. Its simplest form consists of five levels of a
triangular hierarchy, where the base level is our physiological needs, then moving up the
hierarchy in order of safety, belonging, esteem and self-actualisation needs.

Basically, Maslow believed that needs in a lower tier had to be met before a person would
aim to get needs met at a higher level of the hierarchy. For example, if a child arrived at
school cold and hungry they would be unlikely to focus on any work in class until they felt
warm and fed. I feel that most children mainly operate in the Belonging and Esteem levels of
the hierarchy, seeking to feel accepted and valued by others, particularly peers. In what ways
can you more convey a sense of belonging and esteem in your interactions with them?
We are always communicating, whether we realise it or not (and most communication is nonverbal). Our children are always observing and learning from us. What we need to ensure is
that the communication received by them is that which was intended. Otherwise confusion
reigns.
Its all about ENERGY! Glasser, in his Nurtured Heart approach, likens a child,
particularly an intense or challenging child, to having an inbuilt energy detector. These
children see us as their favourite toys (where else do they get such a range of features and
variety of reactions?). They are attracted to our energy. Now think about how you react to
situations that might arise. Which situations do you give more energy, or reaction, to ones
where positive behaviours, or negative behaviours, are occurring? Generally, we would react
more to situations involving negative behaviours. When things are going smoothly we tend to
leave things be, so our energy response is flatlining. The resulting perception of an intense
child is that the energy payoff is bigger when things are not going well (negative behaviour
results in more bells and whistles). Its a bit like having the choice of watching the New
Years Eve fireworks display on the Sydney Harbour Bridge, or me waving a candle in your
back yard...a no-brainer. Challenging children are greatly confused by this situation. We
reward them with the payoff, but are also angry and annoyed with them.

What Do We Need to be Doing?

Be Sane. Einstein is quoted as saying: Insanity is doing the same thing over and
over again and expecting a different result. People get stuck in patterns of
behaviour that they find difficult to change. If what you are doing is not changing
anything, then you need to do something different.

Be Realistic. We need to have realistic expectations of our challenging child and

ourselves. Cloud-Cuckoo-Land is the gap/difference between our expectations and

reality, which creates stress. Mostly, we try to change reality to match our
expectations. However, we need also to modify our expectations on occasions. This is
particularly so when implementing change with your intense child. It is important to
create a gradual transition that gives the both of you the opportunity to make
successful adjustments to your expectations, attitudes and behaviours. For example, if
a child has an extreme behavioural pattern of bad language that seems uncontrollable,
it might be an impossible task to try to impose a total ban. However, you could start
by designating a particular area (or period of time e.g. a story) that could give a
reasonable likelihood of having a bad language-free zone. As this first step becomes
manageable (and the child experiences small successes), you could then create
another area/time-period and continue to build on this.

Be Charismatic. This is a term I heard Michael Carr-Gregg use in saying that

children need a charismatic adult in their life. What he means by the term charismatic
adult is someone who believes in them and accepts them for who they are. Keynote
speakers at the conference talked about allowing children to dream, and when they
do so, its almost as if they can float.
I like the story of the Native American elder teaching his grandchildren about life and
explaining that there was a fight going on inside him between two wolves, one
(negative) representing fear, anger, greed, etc. and the other (positive) - acceptance,
love, friendship, etc. One of the children asked which wolf would win, to which he
replied...The one you feed. Which wolf do you feed when you interact with your
child/children?

Be Consistent. It is important to have a framework in place that encourages

consistency, because this is where the best of intentions can come undone, particularly
with intense children. The main ideas from the Respect-Based and Nurtured Heart
approaches fit together nicely and come to the fore here.
The foundations of the Respect-Based approach are what I call the 3-Rs (Respect,
Recognition and Responsibility), coupled with an appropriate framework of choices
and consequences to enable children to be accountable for decisions they make about
their own about behaviour. It is imperative that the consequences are directly related
to the behaviour, rather than trying to impose some unrelated punishment, removal of
privileges, etc.
The Nurtured Heart approach has, at its core, 3 Stands:
Stand I Refuse to give payoffs for negative behaviours.
Stand II Resolve to purposefully create and nurture successes.
Stand III Have clear rules and consistent consequences for when rules are broken.
The first stand relates to what was mentioned earlier, in that we need to avoid giving
energy, or reaction, to negative behaviours (even discussing, is giving energy) and
that our energy needs to be seen to be more readily available for positive behaviours.
This is where the second stand can be implemented, using specific skills that
acknowledge and introduce experiences of success for difficult children. Stand III
complements the previous Respect-Based ideas.
Howard Glasser uses the comparison of video games, which have very clear rules and
consequences, to highlight the notion of no payoffs for breaking the rules. These
games give all of the energy (sound effects, animation, lights, fanfares, etc) to the
successes achieved through positive behaviours and skills, but when a rule is broken
there is no energy, fanfare or recognition the game (or that part of the game) simply
ends abruptly, and its back to a restart/new game and more success. Intense and

challenging children function well with video games because the rules are clear, there
is no payoff for breaking the rules and plenty of energy/fanfare occurs for positive
behaviours. Also, the game cannot be bullied or manipulated by behaviour tantrums.

How Do We Need to be Doing it?

Challenging children lead confusing and stressful lives. They are overwhelmed by
their own energy and intensity. They need clarity, structure and consistency.
Its not what you do, but how you do it thats important! This is possibly the most
difficult part for a lot of people. As mentioned earlier, you need to be acting in a way
that is consistent with your values, because the child will copy your behaviours.
If you place high importance on respect, acceptance and friendship, for example, it
would be inappropriate and confusing, to bellow at a child...Michael, if you cant
show respect youll go to the naughty corner! It would be far more fitting to model
an appropriate behaviour in the form of an invitation to be involved, incorporating a
choice and consequence, put in a friendly way: Michael, you are most welcome to
join us and play the game nicely, but if you dont want to, thats ok, you can play with
the other toys over there. Respect is something you need to have, in order to
get. Anon.
Most of the educators, carers and parents I work with get caught up in power-plays
with their child/children, resulting in a battle of the wills, win/lose attitude, etc. Are
you into power? How much of a control freak are you? Do you use controlling
language? Ghandi is quoted as saying...To impose your will on another is an act
of violence! If you are trying to impose something, you are offering a big
invitation to a power-play, and the intense child will accept this with glee. I like the
saying, Zip-fasteners and children dont respond well to force. We need to remove
these power-plays from the equation by being consistent with our values, having an
appropriate framework of choices and consequences, as well as creating success
experiences for the child through acknowledgement. Our own stuff gets in the way
sometimes, and we need to not take things so seriously, or personally.
Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. - Anon.
I have presented here a brief overview the concepts involved in Transforming
Difficult Children. Hopefully, these ideas can be a catalyst for you to look at ways
you can develop more positive relationships with your intense and challenging child,
or children. What I am talking about here is not a behaviour management program. It
is a way of being, where children can start to experience successes and feel good
about themselves (perhaps for the first time), and a by-product of this is that their
behaviour changes to a more positive mode. You can make a difference, as an
individual, group, team, service or organisation. With this approach you can change
the lives of these children and their families in a relatively short period of time,
without the need for any additional staff, funding, programs or equipment.
It doesnt matter if the glass is half full or half empty! But rather...is it filling or
emptying?

You are capable of CHANGING LIVES!