Paul was one of my closest friends freshman year. Wed had consensual sex twice.

We were so close
that we would say, I love you, and we would confide in each other about our love lives.

We were both COP (Columbia Outdoor Orientation

Program) leaders. Here, Paul suggests that we
throw a party for everyone in the River program (ROP) at
the Alpha Delta Phi (ADP) house--the other group we
were both members of.

Here Im letting him know that the people in ADP might

not want to have a COP party in their house.

We see each other later that day. In person, he

asks me if I would help him move all his stuff, for
he had just gotten off a plane from Germany.
I had been working all day in preparation for the
COP freshman orientation trip (I was in charge of
organizing the food for hundreds of people) so I
told him I might be too exhausted to help. By
10:35 PM, when he contacted me again, I
apologized. I wanted to hang out with him, but I
was way too exhausted.

Paul guilt-trips me for not helping him.

We set out to lead our freshman camping

trips the next day (Aug. 22). We return on Aug. 26.

Paul asks me when I am heading to the COP leader party. Im already at the
party. Later, we go to my room and begin to have consensual sex but then he
assaults me that night, in the early-morning hours of Aug. 27.
Following the attack, we dont speak for over 24
hours. I talk to one of my girlfriends, who explains that it was rape. I decide
not to report it; Im still in shock and I just dont want to deal with it.
On Aug. 29 he invites me to a party in his room at Alpha Delta Phi. People
would be suspicious if he didnt invite me, because we are both members, and
most people know that I consider him one of
my closest male friends.
I havent faced him since he assaulted me, and I want to talk with him about what happened.
I try to say this in a friendly tone, so that he doesnt
get scared. I dont want him to avoid the conversation.
Im being irrational, thinking that talking with him
would help me.

Paul wants to know what time I plan to come to his party

at ADP. Im currently at a fencing party.

Paul wants me to bring other girls. I agree to do so.

Michael Josephs is one of our mutual friends. Michael is no longer Pauls friend.

At Pauls party, all of our interactions are stiff and superficial. I remind him that I want to have a talk soon, but
neither of us makes it happen.
Paul throws another party the following day.

I had been in the ADP house earlier that evening. I did not visit Pauls room.

We do not talk again for a little over a week. We both pretend that nothing is wrong.
But knowing that I am going to have to see him at our first weekly ADP meeting of
the semester (Sept. 9), I reach out to him and ask if we can meet up beforehand.
I want to talk about the night in question. Im desperate to have this talk, as is
evidenced by how many times I message him in a row. Its hit me how uncomfortable
it is to continue as if nothing happened.

He replies two minutes after the meeting has

started, which is unhelpful. After the meeting, I
approach him and say that I want to talk. He says
that he isnt free to talk at that time. We dont
communicate again until my birthday (Oct. 3),
almost a month later.

Im still open to having this talk with him.

He seems prepared to meet, but we end up flaking out

on each other. We go through the motions, but neither of
us takes the initiative to meet up. It is clear that we
are avoiding each other.

By this point, I have given up on trying to have

this talk with him. Here, we are simply discussing
logistics about an ADP party that all members
are involved in putting together. We are polite
to each other, but we do not even pretend to
want to hang out.

Three months later, Paul messages me out of

the blue. I feel weird about him messaging me,
so I dont respond.

Another month later, Paul messages me at 1:46 AM.

This seems like a booty call. I dont respond. Of
course I do not want to have sex with him.

In the next few months, I avoid seeing him by staying away from the campus organizations we have in common (ADP
and COP). I have completely given up on talking things out with him at all. Then, in March, I meet the woman he
had been in an abusive relationship with at a party. Together, we come to a better understanding about our shared
trauma. Then, I hear from other people that he has forcibly groped other members of ADP. I decide that I cannot wait
any longer and that I must report what he did to me to the university. I text him one last time in March to maybe talk
things out with him before I report, but then I realize that this is a silly thing to do, so I retract my invitation to meet
up. In April, I file a formal complaint to the Office of Gender Based Misconduct.