1

Redeemer Bible Church

Unreserved Accountability to Christ. Undeserved Acceptance from Christ.

The Christian Home, Lecture Twenty:

Discipline of the Heart, Part Two
Selected Scriptures

Introduction & Review

Last time we were together we began a discussion on the discipline of our children.
If God’s requirement for children is that they obey their parents in all things (Eph 6:1; Col
3:20), and if God’s requirement for parents is to bring up their children in the discipline and
instruction of the Lord (Eph 6:4), it is important that we understand how to engage in
parenting practically. How can we bring children to the point of obedience? What
strategies and methodologies ought we to employ for the good of our kids and to the glory
of the Lord?

Well, as always it is important that we start with the Bible. The Bible teaches that
our children are born sinners, that they are estranged from God and hostile to his rule from
birth. And it is these that the Lord commands parents to lead into the worship of the true
and living God. Although ultimately this is a humanly impossible task, God has
nevertheless ordained godly parents as the means by which he will bring our sinful little
ones into a relationship with himself. Earlier lectures have touched on some of the ways of
accomplishing this. Most recently, we spent some time in the book of Proverbs in order to
unearth God’s own wisdom for childrearing. Our task is nicely summarized in Prov 29:15.
Turn there with me: “The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way
brings shame to his mother.”

Our children are born fools. Left to themselves they will bring shame upon us. We
must enlighten their hearts and minds with the wisdom of the fear of the Lord. We do this
by employing God’s means of the rod and reproof.

So far we have learned that the rod refers to the corporal punishment of children
applied to their backside by something flexible like a switch. In this connection, several
other texts are noteworthy cf. Prov 13:24; 22:15; 23:13-14:

He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines
him diligently (Prov 13:24).

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will

remove it far from him (Prov 22:15).

The Christian Home, Lecture 20: Discipline of the Heart, Pt 2 © 2004 by R W Glenn
 2

Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the
rod, he will not die. 14 You shall strike him with the rod And rescue his soul from
Sheol (Prov 23:13-14).

Perhaps the most amazing of these texts is 22:15, which tells us that the rod of
correction drives foolishness far away from the hearts of our children. You will remember
that the aim in our child-rearing is getting to the heart of our children’s behavior. It is out of
the heart that the mouth speaks (Matt 12:34). This passage is telling us that by God’s
wisdom and grace, the proper application of the rod of correction to our children’s bottoms
will work to address the hardness of heart that leads to the foolish and disobedient behavior
we observe.

This is quite remarkable. It seems counter-intuitive. You would not think that
something as physical, as visceral as the rod of correction would work to drive foolishness
from our kids’ hearts. Nevertheless, biblically speaking, the rule of thumb is that the Lord
uses the appropriate exercise of the rod of correction to do just that! It might not seem like
our kids’ bottoms and their hearts are at all connected, but they are! God’s “foolishness”
again prevails over the “wisdom” of men!

What this means is that the use of the rod is a matter of faith. We need to believe
that it will accomplish what God has intended. We need to believe that if we fail to act
wisely in this area, we will reap a harvest of misery for ourselves and our children. The use
of the rod is an act of faith exercised by parents committed to cultivating the hearts of their
children in the ways of the Lord.

Now then, let’s briefly review the seven principles for the use of the rod of correction
that we developed in our last lecture.

1. We must select an appropriate instrument for delivering the chastisement. What you need
is something flexible enough not to injure the child, but strong enough to cause pain.
Test it on yourself to be sure you’ve made the right choice.

2. Our application of the rod of correction to the seat of wisdom must be what I call
“sufficiently painful.” That is, the sensation of the rod applied to their bottoms must
be sufficiently painful to outweigh the pleasure of their foolishness. If it is less
painful, they will reason that it is worth it to continue in disobedience since your
chastisement represents only a minor annoyance. If it is equally painful, you will
reduce obedience and disobedience to a flip of a coin. But if it is more painful, you
will teach your children that their sinful behavior, though pleasurable, brings with it
misery that far outweighs the pleasure of the sinful indulgence.

Along with consistency below, this is an area to examine if you are finding that the
rod of correction “doesn’t work” for you. I have met many parents (especially
mothers) whose idea of a chastisement is nothing more than a single swat of the
hand on a diapered backside. Do not be afraid to make it hurt cf. Prov 23:13-14
(“He will not die”).

The Christian Home, Lecture 20: Discipline of the Heart, Pt 2 © 2004 by R W Glenn
 3

3. We must exercise self-control.

a. Never discipline in anger; for not only do we run the risk of abusing our kids,
but we will ourselves be violating the Lord’s mandate for us to perform every
act of obedience manifesting the fruit of the Spirit called self-control.

b. Bring discipline swiftly; do not settle for less than biblical obedience. If you
do, you will likely lose control of your faculties.

c. Establish a controlled environment for administering the rod.

4. We must discipline our children in love. It must be clear in your own heart and mind
that you are bringing discipline to your children for their own good, for their progress
and joy. In addition, you need to remember that although it is possible to discipline
in unloving ways, dispensing with the rod altogether is itself tantamount to hatred.1

5. We must use discretion.

a. Most people do not understand biblical corporal discipline; they only know
spanking children out of utter frustration.

b. We must make every effort to preserve the dignity of our children. It is a

humbling experience to receive the rod of correction, but it should never be
humiliating. Do it in a private setting and keep it between them and you.
Never administer any form of corporal discipline in public like the grocery
store or the mall.

6. We must require the child to confess his or her sin to us; i.e. to give us the reason he or she
is receiving a chastisement. Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who conceals his
transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find
compassion.”

7. Finally, we must be consistent. Most parents who report that using the rod brings little
or no success are nearly always falling short in the area of their consistency. And
what I mean by consistency is that they are giving the rod with appropriate regularity
(not one day on and one day off), and with justice. In other words, we cannot give
the rod one day for being slow to obey our commands and the next day fail to do so
for the same infraction. We must be regular and we must be just. We must be
consistent.

Now then, as we were quick to point out in the last lecture, the rod of correction is
not enough to bring about the heart change that our children so desperately need. God has
appointed equally important additional means to work in tandem with corporeal discipline;

1
See Prov 13:24; 19:18.

The Christian Home, Lecture 20: Discipline of the Heart, Pt 2 © 2004 by R W Glenn
 4

namely, our words. This is why Prov 29:15 couples the rod and reproof as the necessary
ingredients for inculcating wisdom in the hearts of our children and driving their foolishness
far from them.

Learning to Listen
Reproof refers to words that condemn or strongly censure behavior. Yet reproof or
rebuke is actually just one kind of many rich forms of communication found throughout the
book of Proverbs and should be in the parent’s arsenal. First Thessalonians 5 tells us that
not every person is in need of a rebuke. Turn with me to 1 Thess 5:14: “We urge you,
brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with
everyone.”

As you can see, unruly people need admonishment; fainthearted people need
encouragement; weak people need help; and everyone needs patience. The point is that
differing conditions in the hearer require different forms of communication from the
speaker. Clearly, our children are no different. They will certainly not always require
rebukes from us. So then, how will we as parents know what kind of communication our
children will need at any given moment?

Well, it is important to keep in mind that communication is more than speaking. If

we are going to communicate effectively with our kids, then we need to be excellent
listeners. When James tells us to be slow to speak and quick to listen, he means for us to
apply his command to all occasions (Jas 1:19). And when Paul commands us not to let any
unwholesome word proceed from our mouths, but only such a word as is good for
edification according to the need of the moment, it is clear that he means us to do this in
every circumstance (Eph 4:29).

Our parenting must be marked by biblical communication. This means that while it
is appropriate to render sharp reproof for a child’s unruly behavior, it is not always
appropriate. And the only way to know when to use which form of communication is to
become better listeners cf. Prov 18:2, 13; 20:5:

A fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his own mind
(Prov 18:2).

He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him (Prov
18:13).

A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, But a man of understanding
draws it out (Prov 20:5).

So we need to focus on understanding our children. It is very easy for us to dismiss

our children in favor of a quick resolution. If two of our kids are fighting over a toy, we are
much more inclined to say, “Give that back to your brother! And stop arguing; it’s wrong!”
and move along, rather than to talk with the children in order to ascertain why they are
arguing and fighting over a particular toy. “Stop arguing; it’s wrong!” is a completely
appropriate form of communication in certain situations. But not always. And we will not

The Christian Home, Lecture 20: Discipline of the Heart, Pt 2 © 2004 by R W Glenn
 5

be training our children if we stop short of the biblical mandate to communicate with
understanding.

One common occurrence with my daughter Zoë is that she sometimes balks at my
wife’s clothing selections. But being the kind of girl she is, she does not often make a fuss;
even so, Gayle can tell when Zoë is displeased with her outfit. Now, of course, in a
situation like this my wife simply could say, “I can tell you’re upset, but your wearing what
I picked out regardless of how you’re feeling. I’m the mommy and you are not wearing a
short sleeve shirt in the middle of February. You’ll wear the sweater.” But this would likely
fail to focus on understanding her.

What Gayle needs to do is to find out why Zoë is upset about a particular outfit. It
may be that she’s afraid other kids will make fun of her, or that she has a certain standard of
prettiness that she must meet in order to feel good about herself, or simply that it’s dirty and
smells like a hamburger! The type of communication she needs depends upon the heart
issue giving birth to her behavior.

I hope you see the relationship here between listening and what we have addressed
in some depth in earlier lectures when we explored the heart and goal of parenting. I cannot
overemphasize that our children’s behavior is an issue of the heart. Remember, then, that
their behavior is incidental to their true problem. Behavior is a symptom of a deeper
malady.

This kind of parenting is obviously more time-consuming than a kind of “shut-up-

and-do-what-I-say-cuz-I’m-your-father” approach. It requires patience, practice, and
sacrifice. Parenting like this may occasionally result in later bedtimes; it may result in
having to forego a family event; it may result in being tardy for an engagement. But the
fruit you will yield if you take the time genuinely to listen to your kids—really to
communicate with them rather than at them—the fruit will be delightful. Proverbs 10:1
says, “A wise son makes his father glad, But a foolish son is a grief to his mother.” And
Prov 23:24 says, “The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice, And he who sires a wise
son will be glad in him.”

In an effort to become listening parents (read: wise parents), we ought to begin by

making sure we take time to engage in daily communication with our kids. Take time each
day, perhaps at bedtime, simply to talk with your children about their day. Now even
though a simple question like “How was your day?” isn’t a bad start, it will be much more
productive for us if we learn to ask better questions—questions that work to draw out the
deep waters of our children’s hearts. Here are some examples:

1. The circumstances: Did you have any conversations with anyone today that didn’t go so
well? That went very well? Did you have any problems with anyone today? Did anyone have
a problem with you? We must remember that life is lived predominantly in a pattern of
conflict and resolution. And by this I do not mean to speak of periods of conflict
followed by periods of resolution, but the conflict and resolution of small moments of

The Christian Home, Lecture 20: Discipline of the Heart, Pt 2 © 2004 by R W Glenn
 6

every day. School is a virtual incubator for conflict. Ask questions assuming that
there is a high possibility that your child was somehow involved in conflict.

2. The feelings: When that happened, how did you feel? For our younger children, this may
require giving them some specific options. Some of our kids are more naturally
adept at articulating their feelings than others. Nevertheless, as you engage them in
real communication, you will find them growing in this ability. The point here is
that when we ask them how they feel, they might say, “I don’t know.” So ask them
if they felt angry, sad, hurt, irritated, provoked, or embarrassed. Give them a
smorgasbord of feelings from which to choose.

3. The behavior: What did you do in response? Get your kids to tell you how they
behaved. Questions in this area are generally easier for our children to answer than
#2 above. In fact, you will find that they are able almost literally to assault you with
the details of their interactions. As you ask your children questions about their
behavior, you need to reassure them that whatever they tell you will be alright. In
other words, you want your kids (if applicable) to confess even their sinful behavior to
you.

And in the case that we do learn of their ungodly behavior, we will need to go further
to apply the appropriate biblical labels for their sinful acts (e.g., disobedience to their
authorities, repaying evil for evil, rejoicing in unrighteousness, etc.).

Now in order to solicit this from our children, at our home we structure the
consequences for foolish behavior at school differently from foolish behavior at
home. Our rule is that there is nothing they do at school for which they will receive
the rod of correction unless we find out from a third party. That is, as long as they
are telling us the truth with no deception, we will not administer the rod; rather, we
will only employ the communicative side of discipline.

4. The motive: Why did you behave that way? What did you want that you thought you
should have received? This is a critical step in learning to understand our children.
What we want is a window on the idols of their hearts. Knowing what they want
from others very often helps us to see what is really motivating their response in a
given situation. Do they want respect, approval, acclaim, affirmation, acceptance, or
security?

I hasten to add that in the same way that questions about feelings are difficult for our
children to answer without help, so is ascertaining their own motives. We need to
give our kids concrete examples that apply directly to the circumstances and
behaviors and emotions they have relayed to us.

5. The God-ward angle: How does the Lord feel about your behavior? Your feelings? Your
motives? How would Jesus have acted in similar circumstances? Why would he have acted
differently? We must not forget that our children are always relating to God. There is
never a time in their lives when God is not at the center of what they do or neglect to

The Christian Home, Lecture 20: Discipline of the Heart, Pt 2 © 2004 by R W Glenn
 7

do. By this I do not mean that he is at the center in their experience, but since God is
God, since they are absolutely dependent upon him for every aspect of their lives,
God is the center of their existence notwithstanding. In the process of
communication, it is essential that we do not forget the Lord. As our duty is to bring
up our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, we must be sure always
to point our kids to him in our every interaction.

Once genuine communication takes place between us and our children, we are in a
better position to discern precisely what type of communicative discipline will be most
effective in helping them to realize change in their lives.

Additional Forms of Communication

While we’re here in Proverbs, let me provide you with five additional (additional to
reproof, that is) forms of communication.2

1. Encouragement: Words that inspire and fill with hope and courage. There are times
when our kids will feel like utter failures in the face of what they know to be foolish
acts. They see themselves falling again and again into the same sins and can even
become despairing. We must help them to understand the promises of God.
Proverbs 17:22 says, “A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up
the bones.”

2. Correction: Words that remedy something wrong. It is not simply the ability to point
out a problem, which is fairly easy. But correction takes the observation of a
problem to the next level. It not only gives insight into what is wrong, but it also
explains what may be done to remedy the problem. Proverbs 29:17 says, “Correct
your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul.”

3. Entreaty: Words that plead, urge, solicit, and even beg. This kind of language is
ubiquitous in Proverbs. Turn to Ch 23 and read vv 15-19, 22, & 26 with me:

My son, if your heart is wise, My own heart also will be glad; 16 And my
inmost being will rejoice When your lips speak what is right. 17 Do not let your heart
envy sinners, But live in the fear of the LORD always. 18 Surely there is a future, And
your hope will not be cut off. 19 Listen, my son, and be wise, And direct your heart in
the way….Listen to your father who begot you, And do not despise your mother
when she is old….Give me your heart, my son, And let your eyes delight in my
ways.

4. Instruction: Words that provide a lesson, a precept, or information designed to help

understand our world. Psalm 119 addresses what we mean by instruction. Look
with me at vv 98-104.

2
This list of types of communication has been adapted from Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Child’s Heart
(Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 1995), 83-92.

The Christian Home, Lecture 20: Discipline of the Heart, Pt 2 © 2004 by R W Glenn
 8

Your commandments make me wiser than my enemies, For they are ever
mine. 99 I have more insight than all my teachers, For Your testimonies are my
meditation. 100 I understand more than the aged, Because I have observed Your
precepts. 101 I have restrained my feet from every evil way, That I may keep Your
word. 102 I have not turned aside from Your ordinances, For You Yourself have
taught me. 103 How sweet are Your words to my taste! Yes, sweeter than honey to my
mouth! 104 From Your precepts I get understanding; Therefore I hate every false way.

And Prov 10:17 says, “He is on the path of life who heeds instruction, But he who
ignores reproof goes astray.”

5. Warning: Words that put us on guard in the face of probable danger. We tell our
children of the adverse consequences of adopting foolish behaviors. We caution
them that if they continue on their present course, it will be fraught with misery. As
you are no doubt aware, Proverbs is rife with this kind of speech as well.3

So there you have it: the rod and reproof; corporal discipline and communicative
discipline. These are the features of godly child-rearing and should be present the moment
the Lord delivers them to our care.

At this point I should add, however, that these two features should not be present to
the same degree throughout every stage of child-rearing.

We might say that at the beginning of the parenting process both command and
counsel are at our disposal, but over time, command decreases as counsel increases. In the
same way, we might also say that corporal discipline and communicative discipline are art
our disposal from the beginning, but that over time, the corporal decreases as the
communicative increases. I mention this because I believe that by the time our children
enter into adulthood—around age 13—by that time, though the parenting task is not
complete, command and corporal discipline should be, while counsel and communicative
discipline should not.4

Conclusion
Now then, before we end our lectures on discipline, I’d like to remind you that the
glue that holds together both the rod and reproof is the gospel of Jesus Christ. In Jesus
Christ is hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge (Col 2:3). Indeed, Jesus is
himself the wisdom of God incarnate. Therefore to fail to be gospel-driven in the discipline
of our children ultimately works to turn biblical parenting on its head. All of our discipline,

3
See Prov 12:24; 13:18; 14:23; 15:1; 16:18; 17:19; 19:15; etc.
4
Being the father of children from ages 4 to 8, I do not speak from experience on this subject. Biblically,
however, corporal discipline is for the actual child, not for the adult child. There is nothing to indicate that
adults continued to receive the rod from their parents. I would add to this that the books on parenting from
men that I most respect never include anything on the corporal discipline of teenagers. Finally, for those of
you with kids moving into the teen years or with kids already there, I would recommend a wonderful resource
in addition to the principles I’ve covered in these lectures: Paul David Tripp’s Age of Opportunity: A Biblical
Guide for Parenting Teens (Phillipsburg, NJ: P & R Publishing, 1997, 2001).

The Christian Home, Lecture 20: Discipline of the Heart, Pt 2 © 2004 by R W Glenn
 9

no matter how effective, is just smoke and mirrors if it is not pressed into service of the
gospel.

We need to see our discipline as an opportunity to convey to our kids (1) their total
inability to keep the Law of God and (2) God’s abundant compassion in pardoning sinners.
We need to show them that God demands unreserved accountability to Christ, but at the
same time he extends to us undeserved acceptance from Christ.

This is why we must be sure not to fudge on the principles we have outlined in these
last lectures. We must require genuine obedience from our children and discipline swiftly in
its absence. Otherwise they will get the impression either that God is not serious about sin
or that they are able to comply with the demands of God’s Law. Do you remember this
example from our second lecture?

“Junior, I know that you have disobeyed me again. It is hard to do what the
Lord wants, isn’t it? You know what? The Bible says that it is impossible to do what
God says all the time, without ever sinning, without ever disobeying. Your mom
and dad sin all the time. That’s why we are Christians. That’s why we love Jesus so
much. Jesus lived a perfect life for us, doing for us what we could never do
ourselves, being obedient all the time.”

In addition, focusing on understanding and appealing to our children’s consciences

with the variety of communicative forms sanctioned in Scripture will go a long way to
showing our children the love and acceptance of Jesus Christ. He entered our world. He is
the perfectly empathetic high priest, tempted in all ways as we are. Communicating with
our kids—really communicating with them—allows us to enter their world. It expresses
empathy. It shows them that we will always love them in spite of their many shortcomings.

Redeemer Bible Church

16205 Highway 7
Minnetonka, MN 55345
Office: 952.935.2425
Fax: 952.938.8299
info@redeemerbiblechurch.com
www.redeemerbiblechurch.com
www.solidfood.net

The Christian Home, Lecture 20: Discipline of the Heart, Pt 2 © 2004 by R W Glenn