EXCLUSIVE: Excerpt From Tyrese

Gibson's "How to Get Out of Your Own

Way"
The singer and actor's debut book details the life lessons
he has learned.
By Clay Cane
Posted: 04/05/2011 01:34 PM EDT

Tyrese's debut book How to Get Out of Your Own Way will be available tomorrow. The
book offers stories about love and life through Gibson's incredible rise to fame.
Tyrese provided BET.com with an exclusive excerpt. Here, he reveals his struggles with
idenity and fameand how Will Smith gave him unforgettable advice.
Becoming the Master of Your Environment

I was around 250 pounds, and in the movie, the director wanted me to wear a tank top in a
scene where I would be running up a street, chasing a car that was driving away with my
son. When I was on set and we were filming that scene, I couldnt help but think about Will
Smiths amazing scene in Bad Boys, where hes running with his shirt open, shooting his
gun as cars explode all around him. That particular shot right there was a huge action
moment and one of the scenes that made Will Smith the A-list star that he is, because it was
just so well done. So while we were filming Waist Deep I was thinking a lot about that
scene. I knew I didnt quite look as good as I should have. In Bad Boys, Will Smith was
acting like he was tired at the end of the scene, but I was really tired as I ran up the street,
because I was just so big. Still, I didnt do anything about it because no matter how bad I
looked, checks were still getting cut, people were still calling and wanting me to be in their
movies. Ive learned that in Hollywood there is no sense of consequence.
On the set of a couple of movies that I shot a few months later, I was not really owning the
craft or taking it seriously. I was lazy and unprofessional and wasnt on point. I was
showing up late sometimes to the set, talking on my Sidekick during filming, and I was
totally out of shape and didnt care that I was out of shape. I was too loud, cracking jokes
while other people were trying to get in character and focus on their scenes. These were
career-making movies, so what the hell was I doing? If anybody had just said to me, Tyrese,
what youre doing is wrong, then it would have stopped, but no one ever said anything,
because in Hollywood, not many people are willing to say how they really feel because
theyre afraid of getting fired.
The mind-set is "dont piss off the stars," so I was on these film sets and people were talking
about me, complaining about my behavior, and I didnt know it. I was destroying my
reputation and nobody was saying anything to me about it.
I didnt realize anything was wrong until I met up with Will Smith. I had always liked to
seek advice and I knew I needed some great advice at that point. I had sensed something
was wrong but I wasnt fully sure what it was. I told Charlie Mack, a mutual friend of ours,
that I wanted to set up a time to chop it up with Will, and Charlie made it happen. He had
known Will for about 30 years and through him I had run into Will many times, but this
particular moment and this conversation we had shook me upit was like my whole world
caved in.
Will and I talked for hoursabout three or four hours in a row. As I spoke my truth and put
it all on the table, going into detail about how I was acting, what people were saying, what
I was doing, Will just kept breaking it all down, dropping advice on me, painting the picture
of how I was messing up and explaining why I had been getting the kind of responses I was
getting.
It was only when I had this conversation with Will that it was made so clear to me that it
was me, that with my attitude I was the one who had planted those negative seeds. Will
made me aware that I shouldnt have been complaining about press issues when I was not
able to say that I was the best version of me in these movies. He told me, "You werent the
best version of Tyrese, so none of that matters." I was showing up on set with top-notch

directors, much heavier than I could have been, so what was I thinking? No matter what
level you get to in your life and career you can always do better, so you have to stay sharp.
I probably got up from the table about 10 times during the course of the conversation,
screaming, I never thought about it like that! I was really tripping about the things he
was saying to me and the way he was breaking it down and making it so clear to me that I
had been killing my career. If I hadnt had that conversation with Will, then my outlook and
my focus and the way Ive been doing things would have totally killed me, and no one
would have said anything. They would have just sat back and watched me do it.
Will explained that in any professional environment, and especially in Hollywood, its all
about survival. He saidand Im paraphrasing hereTyrese, let me explain something:
Everyone that works on a movie set is on one mission and one mission only: to feed their
families. Thats what they want to do. They may love what they do but they show up every
single day and work their asses off to feed their families. Nobodys going through all of that
for no reason. So technically speaking, when youre showing up lazy, out of shape, and
unfocused, you have decided that you dont care if people feed their families. And when you
get in the way of someone feeding their families, theyre going to get in the way of you
feeding your family.
Will understood that I had grown up in the music industry. He had to spell it out that when
youre in movies, everything you do, your behavior, and your flaws, affects everybody
involved with a film. When you get on a movie set, especially in Hollywood, the main focus
tends to be the producers, the director, the starsthe important folks, so to speakbut
after speaking to Will, I realized the value in everyone else whos on the set. I was not going
to be the reason on any level that anyone on a movie set couldnt feed their family. I wasnt
going to do that. And thats where it all changed.
This is an excerpt from HOW TO GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY by Tyrese Gibson.
Copyright 2011 by Tyrese Gibson. Reprinted by permission of Grand Central Publishing,
New York, NY. All rights reserved.

eachings from the Temple of Tyrese

Yesterday, Spelman College and Written Magazine presented A Conversation with

Tyrese at the Sisters Chapel at Spelman. Writtens publisher Michelle Gipson conducted
the 80-min interview with singer/actor Tyrese Gibson about his new book, How to Get Out
of Your Own Way (Grand Central Publishing, 2011), a memoir/self-help book. Journalist
and CNN commentator Jack Johnson joined them onstage as well. Gipson encouraged
audience members (Spelman students, grown women, and a few men!) to submit questions
on notecards or tweet with the hashtag #WritMagAskTyrese.
Note: This post is written almost like a full-featured magazine article, except that Ive also
included my own thoughts and explanations to provide context. So its long, even though I
left some things out. . . but I think youll enjoy it regardless.

The Entrance
Its no surprise that when the tall, dark, and dapper 32-year-old Tyrese appeared onstage,
the girls went crazy with screams and frantic camera-phone picture-taking. It took awhile
before he could speakpartly because of the love from the crowd, and partly because he
was nervous. But after his initial Hello, the girls (and Tyrese) were able to collect
themselves, and I was able to take more than three pages of notes to capture teachings from
The Temple of Tyrese, as Jet magazine called it in their April 4, 2011 issue.
Gipson asked Tyrese how he got started in his singing career (remember his Coca Cola
commercial on a city bus in 1995?). I gather that this whole story is covered fully in his
book, which I havent read yet, but he talked about how he was three hours lat for the
audition and almost missed the opportunity.

Jack Johnson, who worked for Russell Simmons at Def Jam, mentioned that a lot of people
see the end results of success, but dont understand the process. There were times that he
slept under the desk at Def Jam. He said what makes himself, Tyrese or anyone else
successful is the decisions you make day in and day out.

Just Shut Up
Will Smith mentored Tyrese about the Circle of 5, saying that if you dont like where you
are in life, you can trace it back to the five people you spend the most time with. If you
change your surroundings and the people you hang out with, youll change your life.
Tyrese: I think people talk too much. Shut up. Stop telling people all your business. Most
people arent happy for you. Look at peoples reactions when you talk about your blessings
and your dreams. This gives you an indication of who you need to get away from, and
who shouldnt be in your circle.

Are You a Dreamer?

Tyrese: Theres so much more to do than just [spend money]. Are there any dreamers in
here? [Looks for the raised hands.] Im not a dreamer. Here he mentioned that he loves his
life so much that its hard for him to sleep, and that sleep is just a waste of time to him.
When I see something, I get exposed to it, motivated and inspired. It has my name on it. I
dont get insecure or want what someone else has. He went on to say that people can make
negative comments when you tell them about your dreams, but think about it: God gave
you your dreams just for you, so how can you expect anyone else to see what God showed
you?

Life is Menu of Choices

There is a proverb in the Bible that says, As a man thinketh, so is he. As a Man Thinketh
is also a book that changed Tyreses life.
Tyrese: I create my own quotes, and heres one of them: Life is a menu. Whatever you
order is whats delivered to the table, and you eat it. He then used the analogy of going to
the Cheesecake Factory, and being seated with a menu, ordering, and eating what you
ordered. So dont play the victim. You sit around with your girlfriends in your Waiting to
Exhale sessions, bashing your boyfriends and your baby daddies but thats what you
ordered. You chose that man. You play the victim of your own choices.
Johnson mentioned one of the chapters in Tyreses book, Do I Love You More Than I
Know You?, which talks about rushing into relationships without getting to know people
for who they really are. And this is the point when I started hearing girls call out,
Preach!!
Tyrese (from the mentality of a player): All I have to do is distract you, and I can take
advantage of you.

This part of the conversation caused a stir in the audience, but I knew where he was going
because I follow him on Twitter (@Tyrese), and he frequently drops relationship advice.
He followed up with, These are my opinions, and what I see. You may not agree with
everything, but please take a moment and just consider what Im saying. I feel like God has
put me here and given me this responsibility to get this message out. You may be out there
ladies, you love God, you fear Him, youre trying to do all the right things, but you keep
bumping against a wall. You mean well, but you need a little clarity.
Then Tyrese stood up and pointed at the screen above his head, which displayed his book
cover. Picture an empty canvas. When you meet a man, you dont know him, and he
doesnt know you. You start out with an empty canvas. You dont know him, but you
created a picture of him in your mind [of who you want him to be] because of your
emotions. The sex is good, youre telling your girlfriends about him, and you want him to
meet your mama, but if she doesnt like him, you set out to prove her wrong. Slow down
and relax! You take a paintbrush, he can take a paintbrush, and paint the picture along the
way [as you get to know each other]. Dont start out with a full picture of who you THINK
he is. And dont devalue yourself.

Audience Q&A
Q: How do you balance your work and fatherhood?
Tyrese: I can balance everything because I absolutely LOVE what I do. And I have a
bottom line with my daughter Shayla, who is 3 years old. I unapologetically let go of
people who could sabotage my life, without any guilt Most of us know that people come
into our lives for a reason or a season, but some of us dont know when to cut off people
when there season is up. He talked about how he could think back to old friends, what
theyve done together over the years, but the Circle of 5 mentality is in effect, and there
is an expiration date on my loyalty. He also explained that he doesnt want to deny his
daughter of any great experiences such as, for example, not being able to send her to
Spelman because he wouldnt let go of some bad friendships, and experienced a big
financial setback.
Gipson added a quote from her mother or grandmother: Watch what other people are
bringing to the table. If they aint bringing nothing, then theyre eating off of you.
Q: How did you write this book, and what is your advice for other writers?
Tyrese: I didnt do much writing. I am very verbal and detailed, if you cant tell. I like to
tell stories. My advice is to record yourself talking about your concepts and feelings, and
then edit. The best compliments Im getting about my book so far are that it feels like a
conversation, and its a page-turner that you cant put down. One person told me, I got to
page 60 and it didnt even feel like it.
Johnson: You have to make the time to write. Figure out your process, what works for you
and when you are the most creative. The book The War of Art is a book about
procrastination and finding your creative process, and it was very helpful to me. The more
you make the time to create (writing, music, etc.), the more you will produce.

Dont Shirk the Concept of a Shrink

Tyrese spent some time talking about his mother, and the process hes been going through
in trying to establish a healthy relationship with her. She spent most of his life drunk, and
then a few years ago, he decided to stop enabling her. He said God showed him that Youll
never be able to help if youre helping. So he cut off his mother for a year, but now shes
doing well, and been sober for four years. They had a talk one day in a hot tub (which is
covered in the book) in which she explained how Tyrese was conceived, and how she was
raised. It turns out that her mother did the same thing she didspent most of her life drunk.
But when Tyrese pointed this out, she got mad and said she wasnt just like his
grandmother. He said he forgave her because she was doing the best she knew how to do
thats how she was raised, so thats how she raised her kids. But hes still a work in
progress: How can I enjoy my new mother, when I had 27 years of sadness with my old
mother? He said he doesnt want to remain bitter and angry until she dies and miss the
chance to have a real relationship with her.
Although Tyrese wants to share his life story of abandonment and abuse for us to use as a
source of strength, he says there are still some things you should see a therapist for, and
unabashedly admitted to seeing one. Im in therapy right now because as far as I have
come, there are still some things that I deal with that I cant figure out, even though Ive
prayed about it for years. I need to get closure on some things. And I dont tell everyone
about all my problems because its none of their business. Some people are condescending
about it, but heres what it is: I go to a shrink because I want my problems for shrink. Look
at me now with [the movies he starred in] Transformers and Too Fast Too Furiousif Im
doing this good now, I cant wait to see what my better self is going to look like!
He continued, Your version of love is based on what you were shown. You date a man like
your father, or someone who reminds of you of your mothers boyfriends because thats
what youre used toeven if you didnt like it. You submerge yourself in drama because you
dont like yourself.

Who Arent You?

Gipson closed the interview with this quote, asking Tyrese and Jack Johnson to pontificate
on this quote: You never know who you are until you know who youre not.
Johnson: Im satisfied with pleasing God in private, not pleasing people in public.
Tyrese: Ill never see myself not loving a Black woman. [Thunderous applause.] I am not a
homosexual. If thats what you do, thats fine, but thats not me. Ill never not give all my
praise and glory to Jesus Christ. [More applause.] I will not indulge in anything that will
sacrifice my integrity, my love of God, and most importantly my fatherhood. I pride myself
in all of those things. Please pray for me.

My Wrap-Up
I am looking forward to reading Tyreses book. His books genre is similar to mine, where
he combines life experiences and lessons learned to share with others, so I was able to get
another perspective on a few of the things I have written about there. Here is a quick
summary of what I thought of the event.
Pros:

He was transparent about a lot of issues that he (and we) suffered with as children
who didnt have the best parenting role models, which can affect us profoundly if
we dont deal with the issues, and can possibly be carried to the next generation.
His message and theme of self-responsibility and self-reflection was prevalent
throughout. The victim mentality is played out in my opinionits time for men
AND women to grow up and accept responsibility for their choices.
He advocated therapy, which is typically taboo in the Black community. I commend
any public figure who reveals their shortcomings with the purpose of helping others,
and breaking the isolation that leads to anger, resentment, and depression.

Cons:

The Q&A period ran out of time after the second or third question. (Tyreses
answers were long so it may have been his fault) :)
It was a little off-putting to me when he used the B-word in a room full of women.
Personally, I wasnt offended by the other cuss words he dropped here and there, but
I thought it was a little inappropriate and disrespectful to do so in a chapel. (I will
pray for him as he asked!)
I wish he would have talked more about sex in relationships from a mans
perspective, and single parenting/co-parenting. He mentioned the life is a menu
quote, and how women may need a little clarity, so a little more focused advice to
the young women of Spelman would have been an added, relevant bonus. (Oh well,
maybe its in the book.)

The Bottom Line

In closing, Tyrese said, The whole book is not sad I dont want you to think that.
Theres a lot of positivity in there. But I wanted to try to have a dialogue and anchor
everyone in reality not name-drop celebrities and talk about all the money Im making. I
want us to be able to walk out of here, self-reflect, and try to get closure.

Tyrese Gibson (Part 3): "How To Get Out of Your Own Way" Book
Review
Sister Souljah. Omar Tyree. Iyanla Vanzant. John Singleton. Eckhart Tolle. Terry McMillan.
These are the handful of writers who have influenced me through their words over the
years. Influenced me in my decisions and ideologies, my passions, and my goals. After
reading "How to Get Out of Your Own Way" I can now add Tyrese Gibson to this list.

It didn't take me long to read this book. In fact, in less than a day, I was
engrossed in his words from start to finish, and closed that book with a literary satisfaction
I haven't experienced in a while. The satisfaction of reading GOOD writing. The
satisfaction of LEARNING something new and knowing that the application of the lessons
would make a significant contribution to my personal and professional life. The satisfaction
of turning pages mechanically and eagerly, and taking in each and every sentence...straight
to my soul.
This is the joy of reading that every writer enjoys! The essence of publishing that is
refreshing! Reading this book was the motivation I needed at this exact moment in time,
and the perfect message of enlightenment and artistic expression that my spirit craved.
It's no secret that I'm a Tyrese fan. I've long admired his music, his modeling, his acting,
and spirit of creativity.

I
stood at Beyonce's inaugural solo concert in June 2003 in
Detroit, as a young journalist, and watched Tyrese perform from about 2 feet away in the
photographer's pit. I remember being captivated by the essence of the moment: Ford Motor
Company's 100th anniversary celebration. I was still a student at Wayne State University,
and still full of passion and excitement for the future. I remember that being a defining
moment in my writing career because I felt like I was doing EXACTLY what I loved...I was

enjoying music, and I was going to have the opportunity to write about it, and share it with
others. I remember that Tyrese was a part of that life-changing experience.
It's been almost 10 years, and not much has changed as far as my ambitions and personal
goals. I still love the arts, and I still require the tangible energy of music and entertainment
to fuel my writing.
"How to Get Out of Your Own Way" was released in 2011, and I finally had the opportunity
to take it in...and this book spoke to me. It was effective. It was inspirational. It was
necessary!

Tyrese has been in the industry for over 15 years...across the

spectrum. So writing a book could have been an exercise in telling his life's story, and using
the biography as a means to let people know about his life. But it was much more than that.
While there were elements of biography, and you definitely learn a lot about his experience
through reading this book, there still exists a level of teaching, of sharing, and compassion
through his words.
You can sense his need to reach out to his supporters in everything he does. He's an active
Twitter griot, who uses every opportunity to not only promote his own work, but to share
the wisdom and gems that he learns along the way. With video blogs, phone recordings,
interviews, and writings....you can tell that Tyrese is on a mission to be someone in your
life that has learned a great deal, and is dedicated to sharing this.
You can tell that he doesn't forget where he came from, and who he was while growing up
in Watts, in Southern California, but that he's also determined to remind his readers that
success, fame, opportunity, power, and influence are all attainable with the right mentality
and the right spirit.

So this book is not only a testament to how the power of positive

thinking, spirtual grace, and a steadfast work ethic have helped him, but also how this
positive energy can transcend circumstance, and manifest in your life as long as you wish it
to.
His message included a consistent theme of self-love and self-empowerment, through
statements like:
*Experience is your highest truth...only you can define your own truth...
*You will grow through what you go through...
*You are responsible for where you are in your life...you have to create the reality you
want...
*Love yourself enough to keep on doing what you're doing to get to the next level...
*Stay away from people's problems...
At the essence of his message was "you create the reality you want for yourself." He spoke
this loud and clear. Through example. Through testimony. Through encouragement.
He does this so dilligently, and anyone that follows his career and confessions will see that
while he knows he has attained a great level of success for himself, that he is truly
dedicated to letting YOU know that it's possible. That with the right energy and the right
environment, that reaching your own personal paradise is more than possible.

Sometimes that's all you need to hear. Sometimes you

KNOW this deep down, but you have a hard time truly recognizing the power of your own
mind. Sometimes it's common sense, and it's logical thinking...but sometimes so many of us
fail to apply this message to our own lives. We know that we should be working hard, or
distancing ourselves from particular people and situations...but yet we still don't quite move
past that level, and on to a higher one.

Tyrese made sure that this message was reinforced, and I believe that it spoke to me so
emphatically because I could feel that it was coming from a place of genuine concern, and
divine obligation to take care of his brothers and sisters. Even if from a distance. Even if
through mass communication. It felt authentic, and it felt personalized.
Take control of your identity. Take responsibility for the type of life you choose to live. Be
careful of who has emotional access to you.
For real!
There was a good portion of the book also dedicated to "mars and venus"-type advice,
where he broke it down...bredren to bredren, and was real upfront about relationships,
expectations, and the importance of securing your identity to ensure that you handle
relationships successfully.
At the core of this message was the TRUTH: being honest with yourself, and with others.
Being comfortable with yourself, and standing firm in yourself so that others can't influence
your direction.

He encouraged readers to always stay in a positive frame of

mind to be able to transform your thoughts into a physical reality. He reminded readers to
stay organized, and always be prepared to execute your dreams. Don't let your ideas die
because of circumstances you fell into based on your own choices, he said.
I said it in January when I wrote Tyrese Gibson: The Next Pop Prophet (Part 1), that Mr.
Gibson was a prophet on the rise, speaking by divine inspiration, gifted with moral insight
and powers of expression.
I repeated these sentiments when I wrote Tyrese Gibson: If "Open Invitation" Was a Movie
(Part 2), that his music inspired dialogue and motivated creativity.
I'll say it again, that this man is on to something. Yes, he's out there doing the Hollywood
thing, acting in blockbuster movies and stuff, going on tour, making women swoon, driving
Bentley's and travelling the world, partying like a rock star. He's doing it, because he's
earned it.
I figure it's a God-given privilege to be in a position of influence. Whether you're a

professional athlete, an actor, a musician, dancer, writer, or a university professor. When

you're in a position to speak and connect with an abundance of people...that is a privilege
and a gift.
Now it only becomes a gift if you do something with it. Some singers and performers
choose to be quiet, to do their job, and stay under the media radar...and there's also nothing
wrong with that. We all choose to live to our own comfort level, and can only act upon
what we are called to do, and passionate about.

But I remain inspired by those who have the power and ability to
ignite change, to inspire action, and to bring clarity to situations just through their own
personal testament. When the words of Sister Souljah, and the others I mentioned
previously, spoke to me...it was on a variety of levels. Sometimes it was literally moving
me to tears, or to laughter, or to other emotions through the power of their story telling.
Some inspired me through their personal stories, and this is how they connected with me,
and pushed me to pursue my own writing dreams. Some, like Iyanla, challenged me to
change the schematics of my mind, question my actions, and make adjustments
accordingly.
Tyrese's book "How to Get Out of Your Own Way" has now made it onto my list of
influential texts because his life outside of these pages is proving to be on a continuous
incline to do just that: motivate others.
I'm grateful that I was blessed with the emotion that was put into these pages. And with this
emotion, I will translate the lessons and passion into my own truth: the words will
transcend this moment, and remain a part of my conscious. For I didn't just read this
book...I am also going to actively apply it. That is what I believe Tyrese's intention was, and
that is why I believe this book is so phenomenal.
That is all any writer truly hopes for. A lasting impression through the power of their art.