NOTES FROM PASSIONATE MARRIAGE

David Schnark, PH.D., Melbourne (1997) Scribe Publications

These notes come from a book on marriage, but the concepts that Schnark is talking about are foundational to any
strong relationships that we have with other people. The idea of differentiation basically means the process of
becoming who we really are, instead of adjusting who we are to what we think other people want from us; or trying to
be someone were not, just so people will like us. As Christians we have the advantage in this whole process, because
we have an eternal and unchanging source of security and love, in God, and this can become the foundation to
becoming secure in who we are.
*Differentiation in a nutshell, this is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining
ourselves in relationship with those we love Differentiation isnt a trait Its a process a lifelong process of
taking our own shape
(p. 51)
Differentiation involves balancing 2 basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness.
Individuality propels us to follow our own directives, to be on our own, to create a unique identity. Togetherness
pushes us to follow the directives of others, to be part of the group. When these two life forces for individuality and
togetherness are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, the result is a meaningful relationship that doesnt deteriorate
into emotional fusion[eg. emotional codependency].
Heres the first and most important [thing]: differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are
emotionally and/or physically close to others especially as they become increasingly important to you.
Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when lovers, friends, and family pressure you to agree and
conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like theyre losing themselves, and can disagree
without feeling alienated and embittered. They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still
know who they are. They dont have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self.
(p.55-6)
When a person is emotionally undifferentiated, his or her overpowering need for togetherness can feel like a
burdensome neediness to be loved and accepted
When we have little differentiation, our identity is constructed out of whats called a reflected sense of self .
We need continual contact, validation (to be affirmed) and agreement (or disagreement) from others. This leaves us
unable to maintain a clear sense of who we are in shifting or uncertain circumstances. We develop a contingent
(dependant/conditional) identity, based on who we are in the relationship. Because our identity depends on the
relationship, we may demand that the other person doesnt change so that our identity wont either
(p.59)
Differentiation is more than what sets us apart from others it determines how far apart we sit. Highly
differentiated people have strong emotional bonds. They dont require physical distance, infrequent contact, or totally
consuming careers (or the opposite closeness, frequent contact) to maintain their separate identities or moderate their
reactivity to others. Theyre not indifferent to others just the opposite. They can choose contact with others out of
deep liking, without being compulsively driven toward them or away.
(p. 64)
By now the paradoxes of differentiation should be clear: while differentiation allows us to set ourselves apart from
others and determines how far apart we sit, it also opens the space for true togetherness. Its about getting closer and
more distinct rather than more distant (p.74)
Self-validated intimacy showing your partner (or other people) who you really are, instead of focussing on their
response or possible response
(p.32)
[Many people have false expectations about how relationships should work]
For example, weve taken one kind of intimacy the type in which our partner accepts and validates us and
convinced ourselves that this is what intimacy is per se. Thus, we assume that intimacy hinges on acceptance and
validation from the other person. Likewise weve confused good communication with being understood the way we
want and getting the response we expect
Were driven by something that makes us look like we crave intimacy, but in fact were after something else: we
want someone else to make us feel acceptable and worthwhile Once we realise that real intimacy is not always
soothing and often makes us feel insecure, it is clear why we back away from it
(p. 38-9)
We [think of babies bonding with their parents, and conclude that our partner or close friends are ] supposed to
soothe us and not do things that make us insecure. Weve ignored how taking care of your own feelings is an integral

part of maintaining a strong relationship and how it fuels attachment and self-direction. Weve reduced adults to
infants and reduced marriage to providing safety, security & compensation for childhood disappointments
(p.43)
How can you tell the difference between these two types of intimacy? Other-validated intimacy sounds like this:
Ill tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself. If you dont, I wont either. But I want to, so
you have to. Ill go first, and then youll be obligated to disclose - its only fair. And if I go first, you have to make me
feel secure. I need to be able to trust you!
Self-validated intimacy in long-term relationships sounds quite different: I dont expect you to agree with
me; you werent put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me - and you cant
really do that if you dont know me. I dont want your rejection - but I must face that possibility if Im ever to feel
accepted or secure with you. Its time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day
when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me.
(p. 107)

In these notes, Schnark has given us a secular view on marriage and close relationships but its pretty exciting in
the light of Christian discipleship. So much of what he talks about with differentiation, etc, fits with what God is
wanting to do in us setting us free from the grasping self, and from finding our worth in what other people might
think of us; so that we can learn to love as He does. God is wanting to make us secure in Christ and in His love, so
that we look to Him to meet our needs; instead of being deluded that we can fulfil our own needs eg. through having
someone love us. Whatever you do, dont think marriage (or a relationship, sex, or even close friendships) are what
will fix our insecurities and make everything OK! Marriage will expose and highlight problems even increase them!
So, giving ourself to God, walking daily with Him, and learning to live and love in community is probably the best
preparation for strong & close relationships (or marriage) that you can get!