Professional Documents
Culture Documents
All of us have seen two rivers flowing smoothly and quietly along
until they meet and join to form one new river. When this happens,
they clash and hurl themselves at one another. However, as the
newly formed river flows downstream, it gradually quiets down and
flows smoothly again. And now it is broader and more majestic and
has more power. So it is in a marriage: the forming of a new union
may be tumultuous – but, when achieved, the result is far greater
than either alone.
– Illustration for Biblical Preaching, page 233
MARRIAGE
Just like the two rivers described above, when a man and a
woman are joined together in a Christian marriage, they will often
experience times of tumult and upheaval. There are many adjust-
ments that need to be made. When children are the fruit of the mar-
riage, new challenges emerge! But, in the end, both people will be
stronger as they persevere through the marital difficul-
ties. And their partnership will be a strong force for
good and for God’s glory in their community, in
their church, and for succeeding generations of
their own family.
A successful marriage, however, is not just
based on overcoming problems and obsta-
cles. It is established by the daily investment
of each partner in each other and in the
marriage relationship as a whole. As the
following quote describes, the marriage
relationship can never be taken for
granted:
1
There is a scientific law called the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
This law states that any closed system left to itself tends toward
greater randomness; that, it breaks down. It takes an ordered input
of energy to keep anything together. . . . Although it is a law to de-
scribe material systems, the Second Law of Thermodynamics seems
to describe other systems also. For example, consider the marriage
relationship. It must have a daily, monthly, and yearly investment
of time and energy so that it is enjoyable to live in. If no energy is
expended, eventually the relationship needs a complete overhaul, or
else it is knocked down.
– Ibid, page 235
CHILDREN
2
• I give you opportunities to work so that you might learn to
do it without shame and come to enjoy the satisfaction of
work well done.
• I give you my counsel only when it is necessary for you to
ask for it so that you might avoid some of the mistakes I
have made.
• I give you my consolation when you have failed or feel dis-
couraged, but I will not always protect you from the conse-
quences of your sins.
• I give you instructions in the way of the Lord so that when
you are old, you will never depart from it.
• I give you my daily prayers that the Lord will keep you and
guide you in such a way that you, my child, will be a man
or woman who will serve and glorify our Heavenly Father.
This I give you with all my love.
OUR GOAL
Today in the USA, about one out of every two marriages (50%)
ends in divorce. Divorce rates are sky-rocketing around the world.
But marriage can and will work – because it is God’s idea! In this first
session, you will learn the Biblical foundations for marriage. You will
also learn to see marriage and the family as part of God’s overall
plan for the believer.
4
of God’s plan to unite two people in a special bonding relationship.
Note how God made the first man: from the dust of the ground
(Genesis 2:7). But He created the first woman from Adam’s own
body. This brings the man and the woman into an undeniably
unique relationship. Adam put it this way:
This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. . .(Genesis
2:23). Today, we call this relationship “marriage,” a word that means
“a joining together.”
2. One Man and One Woman: The marriage relationship was insti-
tuted between one man and one woman, not between two men, or
between one man and multiple women, or between multiple part-
ners. The gender and the number of marriage partners were fixed
by God.
5
when the above Biblical teaching (that the marriage relationship is
exclusive and forms a new family unit in God’s eyes) is followed, all
of these problems can be resolved.
Note: The new marriage relationship does not mean that all rela-
tionships with father and mother are completely severed, but it does
subordinate the relationship with parents to the new marriage rela-
tionship. Many marriages have been severely hindered when one
partner did not establish financial or emotional independence from
the parents. When you marry, your marriage relationship is your #1
priority, not your parents, or even your children. In order of impor-
tance, the priority of your relationships should be: first, God; second,
your marital partner (if married), your children, your own parents,
your church family, your work (even church work), etc.
Now that we understand some initial facts about the marriage re-
lationship, let’s put these facts into the larger context of Christian
living.
Abundant life, that is, life to its fullest as described by the Bible, is
not determined by the marriage state. CHRIST is LIFE, in every sense
6
of the word. As Paul wrote: For to me to live is Christ, and to die is
gain (Philippians 1:21). He did not say, for to me to live is marriage.
A person who never married, or who is not now married because
of divorce, separation, or death of the spouse, can experience a com-
pletely abundant life in his relationship with Jesus Christ. Marriage is
not necessary for personal joy and fulfillment. The fruit of the Holy
Spirit provides these (Galatians 5:22-23).
◆ Marital love reflects and displays the loving nature of God. The
Bible declares that agape” love. This Greek word shows the
type of love that gives to the basic needs of another without ex-
pecting anything in return. This is the kind of love that works in
marriage, and the kind of love God has for all mankind.
◆ Marital love is a reflection of God’s divine love for His creation,
and that He demonstrated through the redemption of a fallen
human race. No wonder that a man and wife are called “lovers.”
God is the greatest Lover of all time. His greatest act of love oc-
curred when he gave his Son to die on Calvary’s Cross for the
sins of all mankind: For God so loved the world, that he gave his
only begotten Son. . .(John 3:16).
How does the marriage relationship motivate you to glorify and enjoy God?
8
on God’s strength, you will glorify God by demonstrating that His
grace truly is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9). This vital relationship
with God will cause you to increasingly enjoy and delight in Him.
How does the marriage relationship help you enjoy satisfying relationships with
believers?
Since marriage is God’s idea, it may have purposes that man may
not understand. People may not comprehend all of God’s purposes
because His ways and His thoughts are higher than ours (Isaiah
55:8). However, man’s obedience to God’s plan and purpose always
results in peace and blessing for those who obey.
Marriage is built on the ability to relate to others, and to live suc-
cessfully with another person under the same roof. Learning to
deeply understand, appreciate, and respect another person is the
essence of marriage. It is also the essence of all successful relation-
ships with other believers in the Body of Christ. Thus, marriage is a
“training ground” for developing God-honoring relationships with
others. Additionally, the successful marriage provides the emotional
nurture and personal affirmation that every person needs to continue
to grow in the psychological and emotional areas.
9
“divine school.” In this school, you are not learn-
ing mathematics, reading, and science. You are
learning and growing in the character of the Lord
Jesus Christ. The character qualities that God
wants to develop in you are listed in Matthew
5:3-8 and in Galatians 5:22-23 (humility,
meekness, purity, patience, self-control, love,
etc.).
In order to build these character qualities,
God uses people, circumstances, and even a
person’s own temperament. When people are
stubborn and circumstances are adverse, we all have the opportunity
to learn patience, self-control, and genuine love. When our own tem-
perament tends to anger, fear, or depression, we need to develop
meekness, faith, and flexibility.
How does God use the marriage relationship to build Christ-like character?
What better person would God use than your marriage partner to
provide you with someone who is (at times) stubborn, anxious,
prone to anger, and hard to please? The person who knows you the
best, and spends more time with you than any other, will be God’s
“sandpaper” to smooth off the rough edges of your own personality.
With your particular differences, you will function the same way in
the life of your spouse. What a wonderful arrangement! God greatly
uses the marriage relationship in His “character-building school.”
10
and to meet his or her needs. Marriage provides a place to learn and
practice this servant’s heart. Additionally, God-given abilities and re-
sources can be developed and invested in the life of your spouse,
and in the lives of your children.
When children are the fruit of the marriage relationship, then mar-
riage and the family provide an ideal environment for Biblical disci-
pleship. It is in and through the Christian home that people can first
be introduced to the Lord Jesus Christ, and then taught to grow in
this spiritual relationship. Thus, a Christian marriage and family ac-
complishes God’s purposes for the discipleship of believers.
4. Why is marriage not necessary for the abundant life Jesus de-
scribed in John 10:10b?
11
5. Share how the marriage relationship can help to achieve God's
five purposes for the believer.
6. If you are married, share two insights you received that will help
you in your marriage. If you are not married, share two things you
learned that will help you in a future marriage
12
The Christian Family and Marriage Series
Session 2
PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE
MARRIAGE POLL: A poll was taken of some American couples who had been mar-
ried an average of forty-eight (48) years. They listed several factors that had
contributed to the success and longevity of their marriages. Would you like to
know some of their “secrets of success?” Read on in this session, and you will
learn what those “secrets” were.
14
a. Develop your relationship with God.
To become the right person for another Christian to marry, spend
much time in building your personal relationship with God. Establish
a daily time of Bible reading and prayer, communing with your
Heavenly Father. Marriage requires much more than you can hu-
manly provide. You will need a strong “walk” with the Lord to make
your marriage successful.
3. Look to God to Give You the Right Mate at the Right Time
In many cultures, marriages are arranged.
In other cultures, there is much pressure to
marry, and people frequently enter into un-
wise marriages. The Christian believer, how-
ever, is exhorted to Set your affection on
things above…(Colossians 3:2). Among other
things, this verse means that believers are to:
15
you. In the meantime, wrap your heart around God and the heavenly
goals He outlines in His Word. Spend your energies on seeking first
the kingdom of God…(Matthew 6:33a).
b. Let God bring you the right marital partner.
Just as God put Adam to sleep, and then formed Eve and brought
her to him, rest in God’s will. Do not pursue a marriage partner, but
pray and allow God to bring the right person to you. Do expect that
Satan, God’s enemy, will bring “his best” before God brings His best.
Do not allow yourself to be pressured by family and friends.
4. Choose Wisely
When you believe God has directed you to marry, be sure to
choose another believer who is a committed, growing Christian. How
do you truly know if a person is a real Christian? Watch the “fruits” of
his or her life. This person may make a profession of faith and an
outward show of interest in the Bible, prayer, and church, but his ac-
tions at other times will betray him. This is often true if an unsaved,
or non-spiritual person, is trying to attract a dedicated Christian as a
mate.
16
first time tends to program your feelings for the future in that activity.
Engaging in premarital sex will cause feelings of guilt, fear, and
shame. This reduces your chances of enjoying sex to the fullest ex-
tent later on in marriage. This also reduces your ability to refuse sex
in the future and may even open the door for promiscuous sex, out-
side of marriage, later on. Seek God’s blessing by seeking His
strength and NOT engaging in sex at any time prior to your marriage.
Do not allow yourself to be drawn into a secret affair as it can have
similar results.
Another way to seek God’s blessing is to obtain the full consent
and blessing of both of your parents before your marriage. It just
makes sense that those people who know you the best (your par-
ents) will be able to give you good advice on a mate that is right for
you. It is foolish to proceed with a marriage that your parents are
against, or are reluctant to give their blessing, especially if your par-
ents are Christians. When possible, during your courtship period,
spend time with each other’s parents. This can be a good foundation
for a future marriage relationship.
During courtship, be sure to find wholesome things to do together,
and spend lots of time discussing things that will help you to get to
know each other well. These could include likes and dislikes, plans
for the future, background, and experiences. Avoid spending pro-
longed sessions of embracing and kissing as this could easily lead to
temptations beyond control. It is great to spend time in Bible study
and praying together.
Here are some wrong reasons to marry that you should avoid:
17
2. You are marrying with the expectation to change the other
person.
Many young women believe they can change the offensive behav-
ior of a man by marrying him. However, such “logic” has been re-
futed thousands of times by reality; he remains the same or his
behavior worsens. Why? After marriage, there is little incentive to
change as the goal for the man has been reached. This, of course,
can be the case in reverse, with a fellow marrying his "dream girl"
with the attributes built up in his mind, but the realty falls far short of
that.
3. You are marrying an unbeliever, and believe you are the “exception
to the rule.”
Although the person knows better, some young people marry an
unbeliever because he or she thinks the marriage will be the excep-
tion to the rule of be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers
(2 Corinthians 6:14). These believers deceive themselves into think-
ing the marriage will work out. But since marriage is designed to be
the relationship of greatest intimacy, how will this be possible when
one partner is described as “light” and one as “darkness?” (2 Corinthi-
ans 6:15).
18
D. RIGHT REASONS TO MARRY
19
or other people? Give yourself a “10” if your interest is consistently
present; “1” if it varies a great deal.
20
home, “cure” singleness, or for some other reason? Give yourself a
“10” if your motive is to give, not get.
If you scored at least “60” as your total on the above questions, the
person you are considering may be the “Right Person” for you. If you
scored only “40-50,” you will want to wait on any marriage plans.
1. Why do you think God has warned the believer not to marry an
unbeliever?
4. State the top (5) questions that are helpful to you to determine the
“right person” for you to marry.
21
The Christian Family and Marriage Series
Session 3
THE HUSBAND AND WIFE ROLES
Marriage is not just to meet your needs. God has multiple pur-
poses for marriage, which include the five basic purposes He has for
every believer (as studied in Session 1).
God’s plan for marriage involves an outcome that is beneficial for
both partners. Marriage is designed to give blessing and happiness,
not misery and heartache.
22
No matter what your experience, or your current ideas, please re-
member that God is sovereign (in control of everything) and God is
good. Everything He made or established – like marriage – is good.
Yours or someone else’s marriage may not be all that God intended,
but His overall design is still valid, and still the pattern for the ulti-
mate blessing of men, women, and children.
1. Provide Leadership
It is the role of the husband to provide the loving leadership in his
family. In Ephesians 5:23, the husband is called “the head of the
wife, even as Christ is the Head of the church.” This means that the
husband is to be the leader of the family in every aspect of the fam-
ily life. This will include:
23
• Emotionally – the husband also needs to be a “protector” of his
home in the emotional area. He needs to be alert to the different
emotional needs of his wife and his children; men and women, and
boys and girls, differ in this area. The husband must be a nurturer of
his family’s emotional life, because it is intricately tied to the spiritual
aspect. Further, Satan attacks the family in this area, so the husband
needs to understand the family’s emotional needs, and guard against
the wiles of the devil.
2. Ultimate Responsibility
According to 1 Peter 3:7, husbands and wives share together in
“the grace of life.” But, as the leader or “head” of the family, God
holds the husband accountable for the ultimate welfare of the family.
God made men and women different both physically and emotion-
ally. Men are better able to bear the pressure and responsibility of
caring for the various needs of the family, and the many difficulties
and problems that families face. This is why God calls the husband
“the saviour of the body” in Ephesians 5:23-b. He is to save the fam-
ily (and especially his wife) from undue pressure and concern. Oth-
erwise, the health of various family members (especially the wife)
will suffer. What is the husband responsible for? Here is a short list:
24
• The overall welfare of his wife. This is addressed next.
25
Listen to her.
c. Feelings of inferiority and insecurity can be a problem. She
needs your approval and understanding when she feels over-
whelmed by home and family responsibilities.
d. She wants you to be the leader in every area of the home: fi-
nances, property, children, future goals, spiritually, etc. She
wants a leader who first recognizes the needs of the family and
is working for their welfare. Next, can her husband accomplish
the goals after she gives her opinion.
e. Your wife needs your physical help and time given to the home
and to child-rearing. Some men think the home and children are
all the wife’s responsibility. This is not true.
3.As he loves his own body (verses 28-29): the husband is to love
his wife just like he loves his own body. No mentally sound man
harms his own body or starves his body. Men are created with the
innate desire for physical and emotional well-being. They do what-
ever is required to care for their bodies so all the needs are met. This
is the way the husband is to love his wife, until all her needs are
met. Because the husband and the wife are one flesh, Paul declares
that He that loveth his wife loveth himself. The opposite would also be
true: if a man does not love his wife in this fashion, he is hurting
himself. Therefore, are you actively working on the items listed on
page 2 under loving your wife “Self-sacrifically” and questions under
26
“Considering Her Ultimate Welfare?” If not, start today, ask the ques-
tions, then follow through with solid actions.
27
band is called the “head” of the wife in Ephesians 5:23a.
Regarding Paul’s summary statement in Ephesians 5:22, Wives, sub-
mit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord, let us note
the following:
28
ture) their wives and children. A woman who grabs control away
from her husband puts tremendous pressure on herself to fulfill a re-
sponsibility for which she is not suited. This undue pressure will
eventually damage her and her family.
29
C. MARRIAGE IS A SPIRITUAL MYSTERY
3. How would marriage benefit from a man who loves his wife like
Ephesians 5:25-31?
4. Name two things that “submit” (hupotasso) does not mean regard-
ing the wife's relationship with her husband
a.
b.
State two things that “submit” (hupotasso) does mean regarding the
wife-husband relationship.
5. How would marriage benefit from a wife who “ranks under” her
husband in this way?
30
6. Memorize: Ephesians 5:25 if you are a man, and Ephesians 5:22 if
you are a woman
31
The Christian Family and Marriage Series
Session 4
CREATING ONENESS IN MARRIAGE
◆ gender
◆ temperament
◆ family influences and background
◆ how you react to life events
◆ social, economic, culture, and possibly even ethnic background
◆ variance in spiritual growth and development
In the Acts passage, Luke tells us that it was in the city of Antioch
32
that the believers were first called
“Christians,” or “Christ-ones.” The term
indicated that they belonged to Christ,
and were representatives of Him in the
world. How easy it is to forget to “be
Jesus” to other Christians, especially
those in our own families. But believers
are called, first of all, to be Christians in any
and all relationships. It is in the family, and
through the husband-wife relationship, that God
designed that His love should be on display. But
husbands and wives tend to enter marriage with certain expectations
of the other person. Primarily they are expecting to receive from their
spouse rather than give to the spouse. This creates an immediate
problem in the relationship. Husbands and wives expect certain
types of attitudes, reactions, and behavior from their spouse.When
these expectations are not met, hurt, disillusionment, and anger de-
velop. When these emotions are not resolved, the seeds of perma-
nent division, and even divorce, are allowed to grow.
33
C. PRACTICAL TIPS ON LOVING YOUR SPOUSE
1. Men:
• Build your wife’s self-esteem. Society is intent on tearing down
her self-image, or giving her a wrong standard to measure up to
(e.g., outward physical appearance). Don’t add to the problem.
• Don’t compare your wife to other women. She is a unique cre-
ation of God.
• Respect her opinions. God gave you your wife for a reason!
• Don’t embarrass her. Use good manners while in public and in
private.
• Be the man your wife can “look up to,” but don’t “look down
on her.” Develop your Godly convictions and stand up for what
you believe.
• Meet her emotional needs. Women have a huge desire for love
and tenderness. She needs to hear you say, “I love you,” and
mean it.
• Take the initiative to communicate with her verbally every day.
Communicate on a feeling level, as well as on a factual level.
• Help her with home responsibilities. Perhaps your father did not
help around the house, and was not involved in raising the chil-
dren. Set a new example! One counselor said that “A major
cause of divorce is the woman becoming tired of being the giver
and not being on the receiving end very much.”
• Admit when you are wrong, and ask her forgiveness.
2.Women:
• Affirm your husband’s self-worth. He gets “beat up,” that is, criti-
cized enough on the job. Don’t add to the problem at home.
• Don’t compare your husband to other men. He is a unique cre-
ation of God.
• Respect his opinions. God gave you your husband for a reason!
• Don’t embarrass him in public or in private by your speech or
actions.
• Attend to your appearance. Seek to look your best at all times.
Keep your home tidy.
• Challenge your husband by your Godly life.
• Verbally praise and admire your husband. He has a huge desire
for admiration, and cannot get enough of it. Pass on a compli-
ment you heard about him.
34
• Respect him as a man: the word “respect,” in Ephesians 5:33,
means to “notice, regard, honor, esteem, defer, praise, admire
exceedingly.”
• Make sure your spirit is right toward your husband. He will pick
up on your attitude toward him. Your attitude will often control
a husband’s motivation or lack thereof.
D. COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY
Read: Proverbs 17:17, Proverbs 18:24, Proverbs 6:6-8,
and 1 Peter 3:7
35
Men:
a. The word dwell, in 1 Peter 3:7, means to “dwell down” with, or
be closely related to. This is a picture of close companionship
and deep togetherness. Does your wife believe she is your clos-
est companion and partner on life’s journey?
b. The word give honor unto, in 1 Peter 3:7, comes from the same
root as “precious” in the Greek. Do you treat your wife as a per-
son of great worth and value to you? Does she believe she is
number one in your life, and not your work?
c. Do things with your wife and for your wife. They do not have
to be big things. Remember her birthday and your wedding an-
niversary and give a small gift when it is not expected. These
gifts should not be practical, but just to say “I love you” and “I
was thinking about you.”
d. Practice the common courtesies of life. Be gracious, not harsh,
in your speech.
Women:
a. Develop an interest in what interests him. Don’t use all your en-
ergies to fulfill your responsibilities to the home and children.
Have energy left for your husband! Your relationship with him is
the priority over your children and your home.
b. Avoid sulking, silence, advising, and the “silent treatment” when
you disagree with your husband. Be open and honest with your
feelings and needs. Don’t expect him to understand you without
giving him important information.
c. Your husband wants to enjoy your feminine side. Be continually
improving your inward and outward beauty. Use common cour-
tesy in your speech. Be gracious.
36
starting to think and act as “we” instead of “me.” A multitude of deci-
sions that you previously made on your own must now be made as a
couple, such as:
• What are God’s main purposes for money? How can we honor
God with the money He has entrusted to us? (1 Corinthians 4:2)
• How will we make financial decisions? After discussion, who
will make the final decision?
• Who will set up the family budget? Decide now that you will
write down a family budget and stick to it! The vast majority of
your financial problems will be solved when you write down a
weekly, monthly, and yearly budget and then keep it.
• Decide what your beliefs are about borrowing money, or using
credit cards to purchase small items. You may incur a great deal
of debt through this type of borrowing. Make sure there are
safeguards on the use of credit.
37
to sit down with your partner to plan and pray over these areas.
Some couples have even written down their mutual agreements on
various issues. Putting your plans and agreements down on paper is
an excellent way to begin, and will help you to:
38
• Places a desire in your heart to do by His indwelling Spirit, and
then . . .
• Gives you the ability and the strength, through His Spirit, to
carry it out.
39
point of not believing they are allowed to have or express their own
opinions, likes and dislikes, and overall personality. Nothing could
be further from the truth. A wise spouse will continue to grow in all
the areas of his or her person, and will cooperate with the work God
is doing to create a “masterpiece” out of his or her life. This type of
growth will greatly strengthen and invigorate the marriage, and pro-
duce the good works of Ephesians 2:10.
1. Name two ways that you can maximize love in your marriage.
a.
b.
2. State three expectations that you have for your marriage partner.
Do you and your partner think they are or are not Biblical expec-
tations? Why?
a.
b.
c.
3. If you are a man, list (3) practical ways you can love your wife; if
you are a woman, list (3) practical ways you can love your hus-
band.
a.
b.
c.
After a session with his parents, a little boy taped a note to his par-
ents’ door that read: “Dear Parents, be nice to your children and they
will be nice to you. Love, God.” - ibid, page 43
Understanding that marriage is God’s idea is the foundational con-
cept for building a Christian home that glorifies God and that meets
the needs of all family members. Understanding and implementing
the roles of husband and wife is the second building block. Learning
how to develop intimacy in your marriage is the third building block
for a truly Biblical home.
When children arrive, many other building
blocks are needed for the Christian home!
Each child is a new and different per-
sonality who must be nurtured, re-
lated to, and caused to blend into
the family unit. Children change
the entire dynamic of the home.
What are the Biblical principles
that will guide parents in the chal-
lenge and joy of child-rearing? Let us
look at some principles from God’s
Word.
42
just because they are necessary for the propagation of the human
race. They are greatly valued as individuals by their Creator. Psalm
139:13-16 gives an “inside look” at the amazing creation of a child in-
side the womb of the mother. What do we learn from these verses?
44
rily the responsibility of the school, the church, or any government
agency. Here is a partial list of areas of discipline and training:
Areas of Instruction and Discipline
Motives – usually behavior, or actions, is the first area to which
child training and discipline is directed. However, this should not be
the case. Actions are the outcome of motives and attitudes of the
heart. Teach and train your children how to uncover their own mo-
tives, or reasons, for thinking, speaking, or acting a certain way. This
will greatly help them in all their relationships with God, with others,
and with themselves. Ask your child: “Why do you think you did this
(or said this)?” Then, communicate to children that they must take
personal responsibility for their motives, and the actions or words
that are a result of their motives.
45
Actions – as was mentioned above, usually behavior, or actions, is
the first area to which child training and discipline is directed. How-
ever, this should not be the case. Clearly, a child must be instructed
in proper behavior, but when the emphasis is on the external action,
the child does not develop an awareness of what leads to those ac-
tions. When a child has been instructed and trained in motives, atti-
tudes, and speech, the proper outward actions will follow.
Your child comes home from school and is unusually quiet. You
can tell by his silence that something has happened. Don’t accuse
him, but be empathetic. Say: “I believe it was not a very good day for
you at school today.” Or, “I believe something unpleasant happened
today.” Let the child express his feelings: “I could not go out to play
at recess today.” Don’t say: “Why not?” Say, “That must have been
very embarrassing for you, or made you angry, etc.” Let the child ex-
plain why he was forbidden to go out: “I was talking with Joseph
and the teacher got mad, and said I had to stay in.” Then say, “When
were you talking to Joseph? Was it the right time?” (ACTION) Let the
child respond. “What would have pleased your teacher more?” (ATTI-
TUDE) Then be honest with your own motives and feelings at that
age. “You know, I really liked to talk in school, too. But, I realized
that I was just being selfish (MOTIVE) and disrupting the other stu-
dents. So I stopped.” Perhaps the child says: “But he talked to me
first! And Joseph got to go out and play.” (ATTITUDE) Then em-
pathize with the child and say: Yes, everything your teacher does is
not completely just, but you and I are still responsible for our own
feelings and actions. The rule is not to talk in class. So if Joseph talks
with you, next time just ignore him, and you will not get in trouble.
Then you will also not get angry and frustrated (FEELINGS).
1. Nurture: This involves not just providing for the child’s physical
needs, but providing for the emotional, psychological, and spiritual
development of the child. In order to fulfill this responsibility, fathers
must know and understand their children. There is no other way to
do this than by spending time with the child. A father nurtures his
child by:
3. The mother is to manage the home and to provide for the mate-
rial needs of her household (Proverbs 31:15). She is to manage the
48
children on a daily basis. Clearly, this means teaching them many
skills in the social, emotional, and spiritual areas. The word for man-
aging, or guiding, the home is the Greek word from which we get
the English word “despot,” or absolute ruler. The mother has ab-
solute authority in her home.
Regarding the interaction between the father’s and the mother’s
role in child training, the mother is to carry out the directives of the
father regarding child training (Proverbs 1:8). The father provides the
instruction, or guiding principles of child training, and the mother
implements these directives with her own law. In every day practice,
both the father’s and the mother’s roles overlap.
1. Describe what you learned from Psalms 127 and 139 about the
value of each unborn child.
2. Who has the primary responsibility for child training? Support your
answer with Scripture.
4. If you are a father, state two areas in which you need to improve
your parenting, and what specific steps you will take to improve.
a.
b.
5. If you are a mother, state two ways in which you need to improve
in your parenting, and what specific steps you will take to im-
prove.
a.
b.
49
The Christian Family and Marriage Series
Session 6
AGE CHARACTERISTICS OF CHILDREN: AGES 2-18
“An unbeliever once told Coleridge that he thought it was not right
to bias the mind of a child with religious opinions. Coleridge showed
him his garden, and when the man expostulated that it was covered
with weeds, the poet answered that the difficulty was that the garden
had not come to the age of discretion. The weeds, he said, have
taken the liberty to grow, and I thought it unfair in me to prejudice
the soil towards roses and strawberries. “
– Bible Truth Illustrated, Donald Grey Barnhouse
The more you know about children and their development will be
beneficial to you as you endeavor to parent successfully and to build
a strong Christian home. Session 6 is designed to give you the nor-
mal developmental characteristics of children in the physical, emo-
tional-social, and spiritual areas. There will always be exceptions to
the rule, but these characteristics will serve as a guideline for you to
teach and disciple your child. They will enable you to Train up a
child in the way he should go . . . (Proverbs 22:6).
Please note that the Hebrew (the language of the Old Testament)
for in the way he should go literally means “by their mouths.” The
implication is that each child has some built-in temperamental fea-
tures and personality characteristics that need to be developed and
refined. All children are decidedly not the same, just as all adults
are not identical. A clear understanding of each child, provided in
this session and in the sessions on “Understanding Your Child’s
Temperament,” will be of enormous value to you in your parental
task.
1. Physically
By age two, most young children are
walking. This achievement allows them to
explore their environment even further
than the crawling stage and to learn
about their world. There is rapid
growth of the large muscles, and
appropriate physical movement
provides for their development.
By all means, allow them to discover
their environment.
At this stage, physically, preschoolers
are players. Play is their work. It is the means
by which they learn and process information.
Someone has said it would be easier to understand
the workings of the atomic bomb than the mind of a preschooler
at play. Because these young children think in pictures, often they
imagine themselves to be other people, as the young child who leads
a toy airplane around and around. You may think he is just a child,
but he is really the pilot of a Boeing 747! Preschoolers may play with
imaginary friends. Do not be alarmed at his “make believe” compan-
ions. Usually this stage ends with the advent of real true friendships.
51
God has given us emotions for a reason. Yes, they must be refined
and polished, but they are not to be denied.
1. Physically
Children at this age are learning new tasks all the time. They are
active. Usually they are going to school, and they are required to
learn many new things. Overall, the primary child seeks for mastery
over his environment. He is not content with the “baby stage,” and
wants to achieve the ability to be independent in many areas. The
52
primary child is also a player, and may exceed his physical limits be-
cause he desires to be active all the time. He may need to be forced
to rest for his own good.
1. Physically
Bring it on! The junior age child likes adventure, excitement, and
physical challenge. Their large and small muscle coordination is ad-
vanced to the stage that they can master more complex physical tasks,
53
so they are eager to try new things, like rock-
climbing and, of course, organized sports. The
junior child revels in his physical abilities and
enjoys competing against his peers. Because
of his love for adventure and the outdoors,
the natural world can be effectively used as a
tool to teach him many spiritual lessons.
54
ter he likes. Spiritually, these children are hero-worshipers, so doing
a thorough study of a Bible character will be of natural interest. The
junior child is also very receptive to God’s call to salvation, and
should be challenged with the claims of Christ during this time pe-
riod. He is an able and efficient memorizer, and should be encour-
aged to learn large passages of Scripture.
1. Physically
Usually puberty can start earlier for girls than for boys. But physi-
cal and hormonal changes in the teenager’s body are real. There may
be growth spurts and then a drop off in growth until a later period
(especially with boys). Likewise, the onset of puberty may affect the
energy level of teenagers differently. Some will seem to be ener-
gized, and some will be apathetic; others will fluctuate between in-
tense energy and listlessness. In either case, teens need regular
exercise, even if they say they do not. Because the sex drive be-
comes activated during the teenage years, it will be important to
guide your teen, and give accurate information about their sexuality.
The two-lesson course by George Eager, Understanding Love and
Sex, or his more expanded course dealing with this subject on Love,
Dating, and Marriage, are highly recommended for this purpose.
Both courses are available from SLM International. Please do not
neglect this important area of growth and learning for each teenager.
55
occasions of misbehavior. On the other hand, because the young
teen craves this sense of belonging, give him the love and accept-
ance he needs, and encourage him to develop wholesome relation-
ships in a caring church youth group. Teach both the young and
older teens how to discern the motives of different types of people.
Proverbs 1:10-16 will enable them to recognize and avoid people
with evil intentions.
Some 14-16-year-old boys may show a competitive spirit with their
fathers. This tends to show up in competitive sports. Dad, don’t let it
drive you to a heart attack. It may even be that some girls of this age
will try to outshine their moms before the opposite sex. This may
show up in primping and the desire for fancy clothes, and even in
flirting. All of these behaviors are ways that teenagers, who are in be-
tween childhood and adulthood, are establishing their own identity.
Wisdom is needed to guide them through these years.
Older teenagers (ages 16-18) are driven by their need for compan-
ionship. Helping them to choose wise companions during these
years is vital. The emotionally close relationship that you have built
with your child before this point will allow you to be his guide dur-
ing this sometimes tumultuous period. The opposite is also true. If
you have not developed a caring relationship with your child prior to
these years, he will tend to ignore your counsel or rebel against
your standards. This axiom is especially true during the teen years:
“Rules without relationship produces rebellion.” When a young per-
son knows that you truly care about him as an individual, the values
you hold dear will become his values.
56
Here are some tips for discussions with your teenagers:
a. Let your teenager ask tough questions: Don’t get defensive when
he asks certain questions, like “How do you know God exists?”
Give an honest answer, and ask him why he believes the way
he does. Then, listen. Don’t moralize, or make him feel guilty
for asking the question.
d. Let the teen test your traditions: If your teenager wants to attend
a church with a different type of spiritual tradition, allow him to
do so within limits. He does not have to experience evil in
order to know it is evil. But this experience with other church
traditions may help him to better value his own.
Challenge your teenager to seek a wise and understanding
heart from God, just like Solomon did in 1 Kings 3:9. Assure
him that God can answer all of his questions, and will make
him a person of great wisdom if he so desires. Challenge your
teen that, according to Psalm 119:99-100, he can have even
more understanding than his teachers, and more wisdom than
many older people, if he applies God’s Word to his life.
57
adjusted adult—will be more likely. In the meantime, as your
teen does question and even rebel against your values, relax.
Most studies show that teenagers will adopt much the same
spiritual values as their parents. Therefore, you can relax in the
fact that if your faith is life-transforming, your child’s faith will
probably be the same.
Spiritual Life-Savers:
Lastly, be sure your family is engaging in these two vital spiritual
practices. A study found that the two most important parts of family
life for nurturing faith are:
4. From what you have learned in this material about primary chil-
dren, how will you teach and train them at home, or in the Sunday
school or church?
58
5. From what you have learned in this material about junior children,
how will you teach and train them at home, or in the Sunday
school or church?
59
The Christian Family and Marriage Series
Session 7
PRINCIPLES OF EFFECTIVE CHILD DISCIPLINE
AND CORRECTION
A young child accidentally took sleeping pills from the family’s med-
icine cabinet. The doctor instructed the parents to keep the child
awake by any means necessary for the next four hours – including
the pain of slapping if necessary. That pain was necessary for the
child’s survival. So, too, in the Christian journey: Now no chasten-
ing (discipline) for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous:
nevertheless, afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteous-
ness unto them which are exercised thereby (Hebrews 12:11).
– Illustrations for Biblical Preaching, page 107.
In Session 5, you learned that children are God’s idea. They are of
great worth and value to Him, and God has assigned specific roles
for the father and the mother in child training. Children have much
God-given potential, but He also says, Foolishness is bound in the
heart of a child . . . (Proverbs 22:15). To their Creator, and to us as
parents and other significant adults in their lives, children are “dia-
monds in the rough.” When diamonds are excavated from the
ground, they must be polished and refined. They must be cleaned up
and made attractive. In the same way, children need the “polishing”
and “cleaning up” that comes from daily parental discipline in order
to become the most radiant “diamond” that God has planned.
61
down by the father. You may spare your child much un-
necessary misery later on in life by correcting him now.
62
mans 8:29). In order for people who are believers to become con-
formed to the likeness of Christ, major growth and development
needs to occur. That is why God disciplines and corrects His chil-
dren: for our profit, that we might be partakers of His holiness (He-
brews 12:10). You are doing a great service to your children when, at
an early age, you begin this process of conforming them to God’s
standard of holiness.
C. PARENTAL/ADULT REQUIREMENTS
OR EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE
63
strated and verbalized. A wise person said: “Rules without relation-
ship equals rebellion.” A child responds not just to the discipline you
exercise, but to the person you are, that is the relationship you build
through the discipline. When you capture the child’s heart (by birth
you have it), and do not lose that heart through neglect or harshness,
your training will have a lifelong impact.
64
D. STEPS OF CORRECTION
Read: Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21
1. Express grief
By your facial expressions, and the tone of your voice, express
your disappointment in the child’s behavior. For some sensitive chil-
dren, your disappointed expression and tone are all that is needed to
bring repentance. Remind yourself that all sin is an offense against
God. Process this offense through your emotions first, so that your
grief that God’s holiness has been violated is sincere. Then, express
this grief to the child.
65
frustrating his plans. Making the child accountable to God has a far
greater impact, and establishes the child’s relationship with God.
Hopefully, as you pray, this accountability will serve to strengthen his
relationship with God.
66
cient as a person. A child who incorporates such an erroneous belief
(that there is basically something wrong with him and that is why he
acts the way he does) will have major emotional and psychological
problems as an adult.
67
QUESTION PAGE – LESSON #7
1. How do you know that child discipline is God's idea? Give a Scrip-
ture to support your answer.
68
The Christian Family and Marriage Series
Session 8
UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHILD’S
(AND OWN) TEMPERAMENT
PART 1
If you have more than one child, you will notice that each one is
different. Why is that? I have often heard parents say, “I raised them
all the same, but my children are so different!” Yes, parents can try
their best to “raise them all the same,” but still children will think,
feel, and act differently as they grow up. The child’s environment has
a great influence on his thinking and his behavior, but environment
(especially of the home) is not the only factor in determining the
overall personality and behavior of the child.
Each child is unique because he or she has a unique set of DNA,
or genetic material (God’s programming), that no one else has in the
world. We are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Ge-
netically, every child is a combination of his two parents, four grand-
parents, and even his eight great-grandparents. But the combination
of genes with which he has been endowed is a completely unique
69
set. This provides his unique “equipment” at birth: physically, intel-
lectually, psychologically, and emotionally. In this session, we will
call the intellectual-psychological-emotional combination with which
a child is born his temperament.
A proper understanding of your child’s temperament will greatly
assist you in raising your children in the nurture and admonition of
the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). A very sensitive child cannot be treated or
corrected in the same way as an aggressive child. Likewise, the very
sociable and undisciplined child needs a different type of instruction
and training than the quiet and reserved child. May God enable you
to be a more effective “discipler” of your own children by under-
standing the unique God-given temperaments they possess.
*Acknowledgement: Much of the material in this session has been taken from the
book, Understanding Your Child’s Temperament, by Beverly LaHaye. When the term
“Sanguine or Choleric child, etc.” is used, this does not imply that the child is his
temperament. Every child is a unique creation of God who is greatly loved by Him,
and who possesses an immortal soul that is more complex than any book could
describe. For our discussion, these terms are used to delineate a child who dis-
plays the characteristics associated with that temperament type.
Please be sure to read and think about the Scripture verses cited in
the following sections:
As you read about and study the life of the Apostle Peter, you will
notice some of his temperament characteristics right away. He is talk-
ative. He always has something to say. Peter does not hesitate to say
what he is thinking or feeling. He is impulsive, in his actions, as well
as in expressing his thoughts and feelings. Further, Peter had a tem-
per; he even rebuked the Lord when he thought Christ was wrong.
On the other hand, Peter was fearful. In Antioch (Galatians 2:11-12),
he was afraid of what the Jews would think, and was more interested
in pleasing them than in standing for truth.
The Sanguine temperament in the child (and often in the adult) is
characterized by the above descriptive adjectives: talkative, impulsive,
easily aroused to anger, fearful. Some other characteristics of the San-
70
guine are: joyful, playful, empathetic, undisciplined, emotional instabil-
ity, restless, worrier, tearful, self-centered. These children can be lots
of fun to be around, and can easily make people laugh by their
sunny dispositions and humorous antics. On the other hand, the San-
guine child can have great difficulty paying attention and not being
distracted by people and circumstances. They may start and stop
many projects, or even parts of a thought or conversation, because of
their undisciplined mind and behavior. The Sanguine child has many
friends, but may not be a faithful friend because of his changeability.
71
2. “Rocky Choleric”
Read: Acts 9:1-2; 9:26; 9:29; 15:36-40; 21:13-14; 27:21-25 and 36
God chose Saul of Tarsus for reasons that He alone knows. How-
ever, God needed a man with a Choleric temperament in order to
lead the expansion of Christianity into every part of the Roman Em-
pire. God needed a leader, a man of resolute action, a man of deter-
mination and fearlessness, a man who could plan a course of action
and then implement it. All these qualities are evident in the life of
Saul who became the Apostle Paul. On the other hand, Paul could
“hold a grudge,” and remain bitter toward a colleague who failed
him (John Mark); he could argue and display anger and contentious-
ness toward other Christian brothers. Paul knew he was right, and, at
times, he was insensitive and unreceptive to others’ points of view.
The Choleric temperament displays the following traits: leadership
ability, determination, fearlessness, action-oriented, prone to anger, ar-
gumentative, insensitive, independent, and quick-thinker. Usually, the
Choleric has a ready mind that can quickly process information, emo-
tions that are more reserved, and a very strong will. This child will
immediately take action on a proposal when the others in a group
are still deciding what the question was. The Choleric is a natural-
born leader and enjoys being in a position of responsibility. Because
he makes rapid assessments that are usually correct, this child can
also be harsh, critical, and even sarcastic in his speech and com-
ments about others. The Choleric may have little patience, and even
less compassion for other children who are slower, less determined,
more emotional, and fearful.
3. “Martha Melancholy”
Read: John 11:16, 21; 20:24-25
4. “Phil Phlegmatic”
Read: Genesis 12:12-13; 13:8-9; 14:14-16; 16:1-6
Abram, the man known as the “father of the faithful,” was not al-
ways so. Although Abram obeyed God and left his home country, he
had frequent attacks of fear that resulted in some very poor choices,
like telling lies to protect himself and jeopardizing the life of his own
wife. On the other hand, you could depend on Abram when trouble
74
came, as Lot found out when he was captured by the Canaanite
kings. Abram was very easy-going, and amiable, and allowed Lot to
choose first when their herds became too large and too close to-
gether. Abram’s amiability and tendency to be influenced by others
(Sarah’s suggestion to have a child by her handmaiden, Hagar)
brought about a departure from God’s best, and had ultimately disas-
trous consequences for the history of the Arab and Jewish people.
Later, Abram’s lack of decisiveness was manifested when he then told
jealous Sarah to do whatever she wanted with Hagar.
The Phlegmatic child displays many of the above characteristics of
Abraham. Overall, this child lacks motivation, and would rather be a
spectator in life. He can entertain himself just by watching other peo-
ple and events. Phlegmatic children are naturallyquiet and coopera-
tive, even passive. They do not have emotional highs and lows, and
as adults, have been labeled “calm, cool, and collected.” Because he
is naturally fearful, the Phlegmatic child will not usually take initiative,
but when he does start a task, you can count on him to finish it in an
efficient manner.
75
vation and fearfulness, Phlegmatic children tend to be stubborn
and resistant to the wishes of their parents and their teachers,
and anyone else who seems to “threaten” them. Mostly content
to play by himself, the Phlegmatic child must be taught to share,
and to play successfully with other children.
• Spectator Lifestyle: The Phlegmatic child must be taught to take
initiative in every area of life. Early he must learn the benefits of
developing new skills, new relationships, and in being “part of
the game,” instead of watching life go by from the sidelines.
76
The Christian Family and Marriage Series
Session 9
UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHILD’S
(AND YOUR) TEMPERAMENT
Part 2
2. Choleric Blends
Read: Acts 9:1-2; 9:26; 9:28; 15:36-40; 21:13-14; 27:21-25 and 36
3. Melancholy Blends
Read: John 11:16; 21; 20:24-25
a.The “Phleg-San”Blend:
This child is naturally easy-going, charming, and delightful to
have in your family. He is easy to get along with and causes no
trouble. However, he does have some serious weaknesses, such as
lack of self-discipline, lack of motivation, and procrastination. He
may not perform up to his potential in school. These flaws need to
be worked on early and consistently. The Phleg-San can be selfish
and must be taught to share. Because he is fear prone, he needs to
be taught “I can,” instead of refusing to try new things.
81
B. USING YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF THE TEMPERAMENT BLENDS
– A CHALLENGE
Now that you have become familiar with the twelve temperament
blends, you can see that each has its natural talents, strengths, and
weaknesses. With this knowledge, you can develop a plan to de-
velop your child’s strengths, and correct and modify his weaknesses.
Many parents make the mistake of treating all their children the
same. Others do not have goals for child-rearing, preferring to handle
problems as they arise.
With your new understanding, and under the guidance of the Holy
Spirit, you can develop, and even write out, ways to help your child
to develop and channel his natural strengths (for example, his strong
will), and then how to overcome his weaknesses (for example, his
emotional instability). Many children have never had this type of “in-
tentional parenting” of their temperament, and are left to themselves
to understand and deal with problems that arise from their tempera-
ment. Very often, they make wrong choices, and cause damage to
themselves as a result of ignorance.
*Will you decide to pray and plan for the training of your child’s
temperament?
82
then taught how to study and apply the Bible to their lives as a
six-to-eight-year-old
• Instructed in Scripture memorization from the time they can talk
• Be exposed to the Gospel, and led to personal faith in the Lord
Jesus Christ as Savior at an early age
• Taken to a good Bible-teaching church and Sunday school
• Be encouraged to read biographies of missionaries and great
Christians of the past and of the present
• Be exposed to missionaries and those in vocational Christian
work.
• Studies show that the two most vital activities to nurture faith in
teenagers are:
1. Family devotions
2. Talking about spiritual matters in the family
83
emerge from childhood and youth with a distorted picture of God be-
cause of overly-critical, demanding parents.
The third prerequisite for effective spiritual training is to remember
your child’s temperament. The introvert temperaments may react
with fear when some Bible stories are discussed; others will be chal-
lenged by the lives of Bible heroes like David and Daniel. The extro-
vert temperaments may not see a need to apply Biblical principles
because they are self-sufficient, or can “charm” their way through
life. All children need to be taught that, to overcome their tempera-
ment weaknesses, they need to begin a relationship with God
through Jesus Christ, and then rely on the Holy Spirit, not themselves,
to make the changes (Galatians 2:20).
84
TEMPERAMENT STRENGTHS WEAKNESS
BLEND
Chlor-Phleg E, determined, organized, Stubborn, inflexible, clever,
efficient, dependable, loyal, troublemaker, has difficulty
witty, cooperative admitting wrong
Mel-San I, gifted in music/art/science, Fear, insecurity, lack of self-
emotionally sensitive, loyal, acceptance, complains,
friendly criticizes self and others
Mel-Chlor I, determined, self-sufficient, Moody, critical, hostile, holds
very independent, organized, grudges, uncooperative,
loyal, efficient selfish, revengeful
Mel-Phleg I, efficient, good student, Loner, fearful, “clinger,”
organized, loyal, receptive, selfish, self-conscious, easily
can be artistic embarrassed, lacks of
confidence
Phleg-San I, easy-going, charming, Lack of self-discipline, lack of
flexible, friendly, witty, motivation, procrastinator,
sensitive selfish, stingy
Phleg-Chlor I, diligent, dependable, Stubborn, selfish, inflexible,
amiable, organized, fearful, can live in “dream
cooperative, loyal world”
Phleg-Mel I, easy-going, cooperative, Slow, lacks motivation and
flexible, loyal self- discipline/self-
acceptance, procrastinator,
stubborn, fearful
85
2. Describe the Chlor-San, Chlor-Mel, and Chlor-Phleg temperament-
blends.
•Think of a child whom you know who possesses each of these
temperament blends. Describe his speech and behavior.
6. Two ways you will seek to develop your child's (children's) tem-
perament strengths, and two ways you will seek to correct your
child's (children's) temperament weaknesses.
86
The Christian Family and Marriage Series
Session 10
INTRA-FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
(WHAT MAKES A FAMILY “CHRISTIAN”)
You don’t have to be overcome by the bad things in your family; you
don’t have to give up. You’re an individual. Ask God to give you a
sound mind that is full of power and love. He can help you so that
you will not be overcome by evil, but will be able to overcome evil with
good. You may wonder why you must have such a hard life. It may be
a path filled with problems and difficulties, but don’t give up. Instead,
let it become your school in which you learn, with God’s help and en-
couragement, to become a fine, mature, loving person – a person who
is a blessing to those around you and a pleasure to God.
–B. Jurgenson
1. Faith Modeling
Real Christian families do not just
talk about their faith in Christ. They
model it in practical ways. Here are a
few areas and a few questions to ask
yourself about your own spirituality. Rate yourself on a scale of one
to ten. (1 is the lowest score and 10 the highest)
87
• How consistent am I in my personal devotions (Bible reading and
prayer)?
• How consistent are we as a family in family devotions?
• How consistent are we as a family in church attendance and in-
volvement?
• Am I always completely honest in my speech and actions?
• Am I the same person at home as in church or in the community?
• Do I exhibit the fruit of the Spirit on a regular basis? (love, joy,
peace, etc.)
• Do I demonstrate a Biblical attitude to God-given authority?
• Do I regularly ask for forgiveness and grant forgiveness to others?
• Do I truly accept myself and God’s love for me, or do I seek to
prove myself?
• Do I demonstrate moral purity in the realm of my thoughts, my
speech, and
• my actions?
• Do I always use good manners in the home?
• Do I discipline in love, or sometimes with anger and frustration?
• Do I have good, honest FUN with my family?
2. Faith Talk
Real Christian families talk about their love and their relationship
with Jesus Christ. Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten (1 is the low-
est and 10 is the highest) on the following:
• Daily, I share with my family how God has worked in my life.
• Weekly, I share with my family how God has worked in others’
lives.
• Daily, I ask my family how God has worked in their lives.
• Weekly, I ask my family how God has worked in the lives of
others around them.
• I seize “teachable moments” to share about God’s character and
God’s ways.
• I play Christian music at home, and have Scripture portions on
the walls.
• We sing Christian hymns and songs together as a family.
3. Faith Action
Real Christian families don’t just talk about their faith, but they put
it into action. Once again, rate yourself on a scale of one to ten (1 is
88
the lowest and 10 is the highest) on the following as a family:
• Daily, as a family, we pray for others’ physical, emotional, and
spiritual needs.
• Weekly, as a family, we spend at least one hour meeting the
needs of someone else.
• At holiday times, as a family, we engage in a project to help
others.
• (for child): In my school, every week I share my faith in Jesus
by word and/or by action.
• (for adult): On my job, every week I share my faith in Jesus by
word and/or by action.
• We always send a “thank-you note” to express our appreciation
to others who have blessed us.
• My family calendar reflects a priority to serve others.
89
the “opponent?”
• What is my attitude toward my parents’ authority and discipline?
• Do I regularly ask forgiveness for what I have done wrong?
• Do I try to see things from the perspective of my parents and/or
other family members?
• Am I completely honest and trustworthy in my speech and ac-
tions?
• Am I doing everything I can to make my family a pleasant place
to be? What could I improve upon?
• Do I follow the Scriptural admonition to honor my father and
mother by respect and obedience?
As you study the lives of each of these young people, use these
discussion questions:
1. What attitudes did this young person display that are pleasing to
God?
2. What actions did this young person take that are pleasing to
God?
3. Who benefited from the Godly attitudes and actions of these
young people?
4. Which young person do you want to be like? Why?
90
ried couple must be mutually agreed that nei-
ther set of parents will interfere in their own
relationship, or in the relationship with the
couple’s children. This can be difficult at
times, especially if either set of parents lives
with the young couple, or lives nearby. Early
on, it will be important for the new couple to
set guidelines for their relationship with live-
in parents, as well as those living nearby.
While the new young couple always needs
to respect and honor their parents, the Bible is
clear that this new family unit is directly re-
sponsible to God. They are no longer in a po-
sition of submission to the authority of their parents. Much strife and
division could be avoided if this principle were followed. If either
young spouse’s relationship with parents is more important than the
relationship with the other spouse, conflict will result. If either set of
parents seeks to influence one spouse, inevitably conflict will result.
91
clude them in the spiritual activities of the family. However,
there may be certain activities that you would like to do just as a
family. Do not feel reluctant to do so.
d. If they are believers and do not live in your home, communi-
cate with them and seek their prayer and fellowship as possible.
2. Faith Talk: list three areas in which you need to improve, and how
you will start.
3. Faith Action: list three areas in which you need to improve, and
how you will start.
AS A CHILD OR TEEN:
1. Name three areas under “Child-Parent Relationships” in which you
need to improve. Share one way you will start.
2. Share three things you really like about your parents. Share three
things you really like about each of your other family members.
3. If you are a young person, share three specific ways you can im-
prove to make your family truly “Christian.”
93
The Christian Family and Marriage Series
Session 11
FAMILIES APPROVED AND DISAPPROVED BY GOD
Have you noticed that the Bible is full of stories of real families like
yours and like mine? Some of the accounts are good examples of
Godly families, and some are definitely examples to avoid.All of these
accounts teach us one thing: your family relationships are important
to God.
In Session 11, you will learn about some families that God com-
mended, and some families that He reproved. Ask God to give you
many insights from these Biblical families that can assist you in your
own family.
95
vested. Ruth’s Godly example was noticed by everyone and came to
the attention of one of the owners of the land on which she was
gleaning, a wealthy man named Boaz. Later, according to God’s plan,
Ruth followed Naomi’s advice and sought a marriage proposal from
Boaz, who was a near kinsman (a practice in Israel).
In all her attitudes and actions, Ruth displayed extraordinary family
love and loyalty to her mother-in-law. In like manner, Naomi cared
for her daughter-in-law in a foreign country and taught her the cus-
toms of the Israelite people. Naomi also secured a marriage partner
for Ruth which guaranteed her future.
3.Timothy’s Family
Read: Acts 16:1-3; 2 Timothy 1:5; 3:15
1. Isaac-Rebekah-Jacob-Esau
Read: Genesis 25:28; 27:1-10; 37:3-4
In their old age, God gave Abraham and Sarah a son, Isaac. Abra-
ham dutifully obtained Rebekah, for a wife for Isaac, from his own
96
kindred. When Rebekah was pregnant with twin boys (Esau and
Jacob), the Lord told her that the elder, Esau, would serve the
younger, Jacob. But according to Genesis 25:28, the parents chose fa-
vorites: Isaac chose Esau, who was an outdoorsman, and Rebekah
chose Jacob, a dweller in tents.
When Isaac was old and wanted to confer his blessing on Esau,
the firstborn, Rachel prompted Jacob to deceive his father and to
steal the blessing from Esau. Apparently, Rachel felt she needed to
“help God out” to make Jacob the preeminent son. Nothing could be
further from the truth, of course, and this deception ignited murder-
ous rage in Esau. As a result, Rebekah told Jacob to flee to her
brother’s (Laban’s) house and stay there until Esau’s anger abated.
Unfortunately for Rebekah, Jacob stayed over twenty years in Haran.
Rebekah died without ever seeing Jacob again.
Favoritism in families always brings heartache and trouble. In this
case, Isaac and Rebekah’s favoritism produced much family jealousy
and animosity between the brothers. Additionally, their favoritism
was passed on to Jacob, who favored his son, Joseph, the first son of
his favorite wife, Rachel. Joseph’s special status in Jacob’s eyes
sparked great jealousy on the part of his ten brothers. Lastly, Re-
bekah and Jacob’s deceitful tendencies were passed on to the next
generation. Ten of Jacob’s sons deceived him into believing that his
favorite son, Joseph, was torn to pieces by a wild animal. This de-
ception nearly resulted in Jacob’s untimely death.
2. David’s Family
Read: 2 Samuel 5:13-16; 13:1-2, 11-14, 20-22, 28-29, 38-39; 14:1,
21-24, 28
97
cipline his sons consistently, or develop a proper fatherly relationship
with them.
As a result, when David’s son, Amnon, raped Absalom’s sister,
Tamar, David did nothing about it but become angry (2 Samuel
13:21). Clearly favoring, yet not understanding his temperamental
son, Absalom, David granted permission for him to go and to take all
the king’s sons with him to Ephraim. While there, when Amnon was
drunk, Absalom had him killed. After three years, David finally al-
lowed Absalom to return to Jerusalem, but would not speak to him
for two full years. During this time, Absalom’s anger turned into deep
bitterness and hatred of his father, David. Absalom mounted a rebel-
lion against his father, and succeeded in driving David from
Jerusalem (2 Samuel 15:14). Absalom was later killed in an ensuing
battle as retribution for his rebellion (18:14).
98
Your first priority is to your spouse. When married, the new cou-
ple must make their own decisions, and not be dominated by
parents or parents-in-law.
• Spiritual Training in the Family – Timothy’s spiritual interest
clearly grew out of a family that valued spiritual training and im-
plemented that training. Families today can learn from this exam-
ple of three generations of God-fearing people. Although God’s
best is for the father to be the spiritual leader, when this is not
possible, the influence of a Godly mother and grandmother can
make a tremendous difference in the family.
1. What did you learn from Abraham and his family that would be
Godly examples to follow in your family?
2. What attitudes and actions did you learn from Ruth and Naomi’s
relationship that you would like to duplicate in your family?
99
3. What Godly influences and conduct in Timothy’s life would you
like to establish in your family?
5. What did you learn from David’s family that you would like to
avoid in your family?
100
The Christian Family and Marriage Series
Session 12
HANDLING ATTACKS ON YOUR FAMILY
What does your family value? Good health, a safe home, and your
child’s innocence are some “valuables” that may come to mind.
Other treasures include freedom of speech, religion, and the right to
influence our government. Safeguarding our assets requires inten-
tional effort….Some threats to family treasures and civic assets are
easily seen; others may sneak in undetected, such as gambling, sex-
ual messages, and attacks on Christian faith. Family and civic secu-
rity begin with awareness of the threats.
– Focus on the Family Magazine, 10-2006
If you did not know already that the family is under attack, espe-
cially the Christian family, you do not have to read further than your
local newspaper, or flip to any channel on your television set. Here
are some alarming statistics:
101
questioned the fireman’s willingness to put out a fire if it in-
volved the house of homosexual couples.
• Gambling – Eight to ten million Americans struggle with habitual
gambling and the number is rising. Almost 600,000 youth in
America gamble on the Internet weekly.
• Drugs – Teen involvement with illegal drugs is well-known, but
you do not even have to leave home to get “high.” Children and
teenagers can become addicted to inhaling home products, such
as: computer cleaner, room deodorizers, shoe polish, paint thin-
ner, spray paints, and other aerosol sprays. In 2005, a 14-year-old
boy died after inhaling computer cleaner. - Ibid.
Love not the world (system), neither the things that are in the
world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
For all that is in the world (system), the lust of the flesh, and the lust
of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father (God), but is of
the world (system).
102
The Christian, while living on this earth, will be under attack con-
tinually from forces that are contrary to God’s purposes. John alerts
us to the fact that these forces will tempt the believer through the de-
sires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes, and the pride that is in-
volved in achieving power, money, and prominence in the world.
Here are some of the arenas in which the world system exerts its
influence:
a.The Media
Through television, radio, movies,
videos/DVDs, the Internet, music, books,
magazines, billboards, and a host of other
media that bombard our eyes and ears on
a daily, and sometimes hourly, basis,
Satan is operating to infuse his values, his
ideas, and his “agenda” into the hearts
and minds of people. The advertising in-
dustry is so large and so lucrative because it is so effective. People
do incorporate the ideas and values that are continually placed into
their minds. Then they act on these messages and assume they are
their own ideas. For example:
103
may not have a tomorrow. It does not matter what happens to others
because of your actions, because y-o-u must take care of yourself, or
“look out for #1” (another media-prompted message).
“If it feels good, it must be right. Do it,” whispers the Devil in your
ear. The problem with this message is that there is a God-given law
of the universe that supersedes this idea. It is the law of sowing and
reaping, “You will reap what you sow.” (See Galatians 6:8.) It may
feel good right now, but, as the physics teacher tells us: “for every
action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” What goes up will
come down. There are consequences. If your actions that produced
your good feelings are not God’s actions, you will reap trouble and
heartache and misery. Count on it – sooner or later.
b. Educational Systems
Because Satan is the prince of the power of the air, we expect him
to operate in the realm of the media,
over the airwaves and in public view.
Another more subtle area of his con-
trol are the educational systems in our
nations. Especially if the educational
system is public, Satan can wield vast
influence. He can infuse his godless
values and ideas into the hearts and
minds of children at an early age
through “education.” This happened
very clearly in the USA after 1963,
when prayer and Bible-reading were removed from the public
schools. Into this vacuum, Satan inserted his humanistic ideas of “tol-
erance,” and “relativism,” that is, absolute standards of right and
wrong no longer exist. The rapid moral and social decline in America
over the past four decades stands witness to the fact that Satan’s strat-
egy worked. Now, abortion (killing the unborn), “alternative” sexual
lifestyles, and divorce for any reason are considered normal and
morally neutral. Through the world system of education, Satan has
caused millions of people’s values to be changed. Families have been
ripped apart in the process, and the whole foundation of American
society has been shaken. The USA is not alone in experiencing these
consequences of introducing his “educational system.” Nations in
Africa that taught creationism have now embraced evolution as the
answer to man’s ultimate origin on this planet.
104
c. Systems of Commerce/Business: Materialism
Most countries around the world place a tremendous value on edu-
cation, and even elevate it to an all-powerful status (your “pathway to
success”). This exaggeration of the importance of (especially) higher
education gives Satan a real advantage. It fits in very well with his
strategy to consume man with the passion for wealth, and the things
that money can bring: status, power, and prominence in society. By
stimulating man’s tendency toward greed, and a need for security,
Satan very skillfully ensnares people with the lust of the eyes (material
possessions) and the pride of life (the undue praise and recognition of
people because of financial success). There is nothing wrong with op-
erating a business and making a profit. In this way, you provide for
your family, and employ others so they can do the same.
But most people around the globe spend most of their time trying
to improve their economic picture (the temporal, or “the now” view).
In this way, Satan diverts their attention from their eternal welfare, or
keeps them so satisfied on this earth that they see no need to pre-
pare for leaving it.
d. Political Systems
A cursory reading of the Old Testament makes it clear that Satan
has been operating through political systems since mankind’s begin-
ning. Even after God destroyed the human race in Noah’s day be-
cause of their wickedness, it was not long before man managed to
create another equally wicked political system, in Genesis 11, on the
plain of Shinar. Here at the Tower of Babel, mankind was worshiping
the heavenly bodies and decided to unite for survival, and probably
to propagate their corrupt religious and political system (sponsored
by the “god of this world” – Satan). Of course, God thwarted their
plans and dispersed the multitude so that Satan could not completely
control them.
Since that time, the record of ancient civilizations, apart from (and
sometimes including) the history of the Jewish nation established by
God, is one of wars and tyranny, evil and oppression. Godless kings
and rulers have risen and fallen. They have temporarily dominated
the earth’s peoples and enslaved millions of them. Have they brought
freedom and dignity, righteousness and moral uplifting? No, these
political systems have been, and are, the work of Satan, who seeks
to subjugate the human race and perpetuate evil. Today the same is
true. Through the world system of politics and government, God’s
105
enemy continues to operate. The whole world lieth in wickedness
(the wicked one). This is still true.
2.The Flesh
In Galatians 5:16-17, Paul declares that believers are in a war
against “the flesh.” The Christian is indwelt by the Holy Spirit of God,
but he still has certain remnants from the old life that are called “the
flesh.” Of course, man continues to have indwelling sin, which is
sometimes a synonym in Scripture for “the flesh.” But man also strug-
gles against certain patterns of thought, speech, and action that he
has developed through living in this world. Some aspects of “the
flesh” are:
3.The Devil
In addition to attacking you and your family indirectly through the
world system and through the flesh, Satan also attacks believers di-
rectly:
a. How Satan attacks
• He will introduce thoughts into your mind. He will bring up
memories of past sin. Did you know that every thought you have
is not your own?
• He will bring people and circumstances into your life to tempt
you.
• He will use the “vain philosophies” of men, introduced through
books and friends and educational institutions.
106
b.When Satan attacks
• He attacks when you are vulnerable: physically or emotionally
tired, hungry, discouraged, and weakened through a prolonged
struggle.
• He attacks through unmet human needs: physical, emotional, or
spiritual needs that are not satisfied the legitimate way (God’s
way).
• He attacks during/after a
“shock” in your family or
personal life: a financial or
health crisis, a false accusa-
tion, a prolonged struggle
with a business, church, or
family situation.
• He attacks when we come
off a spiritual mountaintop
experience, such as a Bible
conference or Christian
camp, where you have
been saturated with the Word of God. This attack may even
come after a Christian worker has been faithfully ministering the
Word for several days.
107
Internet, listen to music, read certain books, and magazines, etc.
You can place filters on your computer to prevent access to damag-
ing websites. Although you would not allow a thief or a sexual
predator inside your home, unwittingly you invite them in through
the media you allow in your home. Also, instruct your children in
“subliminal” messages. These are the under-riding ideas in adver-
tisements. Although on the surface some media seems perfectly
harmless, the messages they are truly conveying can be definitely
anti-Biblical.
b. Educational/Commercial/Political Systems
Because you and your family cannot avoid all the influences of the
world system by living alone in a cave, it is essential that you evalu-
ate the school your child is attending. What values are being taught?
What is the content of the textbooks your child is required to read?
Does your child know how to “discern good from evil” regarding the
things he hears in school? How can you help him? If your child
leaves home to pursue higher education, be sure to arm him with the
truth about the godless philosophies of men that they will encounter,
who have deceived many.
When you shop or engage in business, what values are you con-
veying to your children? Do you view yourself as a steward of God’s
resources (the money He gives you), or as an owner? If it is the lat-
ter, you will tend to accumulate material goods, and will pass on this
materialistic tendency to your children. If you pray with your whole
family about the use of your money, your children will soon under-
stand it all belongs to God. This will infuse in them the value that
pleasing God is more important than satisfying the lust of the eyes.
Are you engaged in the political process in your country? Do you
vote? Do you pray for your government leaders with your family? By
your example, your children will learn that God has given each citi-
zen a responsibility to submit to and uphold those in civic authority.
When government leaders perpetuate evil, corruption, and anti-Bibli-
cal practices, make sure your voice is heard, and seek to correct the
wrong. Teach your children that God is sovereign, and it is their ulti-
mate responsibility to obey God rather than men.
2. Be always instructing
It is very easy to become consumed with the everyday routine of
family life. Families are busy places! But there must be important pri-
108
orities in your family that take precedence over urgent activities, like
food preparation, work, and school. God has clearly prescribed what
that priority is in Deuteronomy 6:7: And thou shalt teach them (God’s
laws and God’s ways) diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of
them . . . .
Personal example:
How do you guard yourself and your family from the attacks of
the flesh and the devil? Fortify them with the truth of God’s Word!
On a daily basis, read and share and talk about God’s Word, and the
impact it has on your own life. Be transparent about your own spiri-
tual struggles. Your family will learn from you that spiritual growth is
a lifelong process, and that your love for your Lord grows with each
trial, problem, and sometimes even through a spiritual lapse. Some
suggestions:
109
3. Be a Family!
This may sound strange, but the point is to build your family’s
bonds by:
• Share three ways that you have observed that the media pumps
impure and destructive messages into your family’s minds.
3. In what areas of the flesh do you struggle? How does Satan attack
you there?
110
4. Share two things you will do immediately in your family to protect
them from the evil influences of some media.
a.
b.
111
The Christian Family and Marriage Series
Session 13
DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE
A. MARRIAGE PERMANENCE
Read: Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:3-9; and Ephesians 5:31-32
112
man forfeited many of the blessings that God intended in every area
of life. The full blessing of the married state was also forfeited.
1. Beginnings
It is clear from Scripture that God intended for marriage to be a
permanent union of one man and one woman. The essential mean-
ing of Genesis 2:24 (and they shall be one flesh)
was repeated and emphasized by the Lord Jesus in Matthew 19,
and by the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 5. The indissoluble union of
one man and one woman is in view when the Scripture says one
flesh. If a person tears his own flesh apart, this will result in great
damage and, perhaps, even death. In like manner, marriage is de-
signed to continue uninterrupted, lest it produce severe injury. Mar-
riage was intended to be permanent.
113
A. Why God Allowed a “Writing of Divorcement”
Read: Deuteronomy 24:1-4; and Matthew 19:3-9
114
Jerusalem that had been destroyed by the Babylonians in 586 B.C.
After completion of the wall, Nehemiah also instituted some major
reforms in Jewish society (e.g., no intermarriage with pagan peoples)
that lasted for a short time.
However, when Nehemiah had to return to Babylon for a lengthy
stay, the Israelites reverted to various ungodly practices. Among
these was the divorce of the wife of thy youth (Malachi 2:14). God
made it clear what He thought about this practice in no uncertain
terms:
For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away. .
.therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.
God states that He “hates” divorce. Further, what the men were
doing to their wives was labeled “treachery” by God. Given the pas-
sage in Matthew 19:6-7, and this passage in Malachi 2:14-16, God’s
viewpoint on divorce is well established.
Some Bible teachers teach that those who were divorced prior to
salvation are not subject to the bane on remarriage, since the Lord
has forgiven all of their past sins. They also use this relating to those
who have married a divorced person before they were saved. This
could be a matter for study and discussion.
Marital ABUSE:
Does this mean that a woman or a man must submit to physical,
emotional, or sexual abuse in marriage? Not at all. Abusive behavior
115
is never right. Steps must be taken to correct the behavior of an abu-
sive spouse. These steps could include:
3. Separation
When no change has been obtained by the above measures, it
may be necessary to separate from the abusive partner for a period
of time. Often this physical separation works to alert the spouse to
the seriousness of the situation. Pray earnestly for the direction of the
Holy Spirit as to when the separation should start, and how long
it should last. By all means, do not “enable” the abusive behavior of
the partner by simply accepting the abuse in the name of “submis-
sion.” This is not Biblical submission.
4. Marriage Mentors
Marriage mentors are valuable for preventing marriage problems,
and for detecting marital abuse. If you are not in a mentoring rela-
tionship with another older couple, consider starting this relationship
now, before a crisis strikes.
B. REMARRIAGE
Read: 1 Corinthians 7:10-16
1. If You Depart
In this section of 1 Corinthians, Paul is answering some questions
that the Corinthian believers posed to him. The church at Corinth
was well known for its immoral practices. In the ancient world, the
term, “to play the Corinthian,” meant to participate in sexual license
116
and depraved behavior of various kinds. Likewise, the Corinthian
church also had serious problems with internal divisions, strife, envy,
and the abuse of the gift of tongues.
When Paul discusses the married and unmarried state in chapter 7,
he commands that a woman not leave (depart from) her husband.
Apparently many of the Corinthian
women were leaving their husbands.
Paul expressly forbids this. If she
does leave her husband, the married
woman is to remain single, or to be
reconciled to her husband (verse 11).
In such a case, the man is not to di-
vorce his wife that left him. The in-
tent here, and in verses 12-14, is for
the marriage to work. Separation and
divorce are definitely discouraged.
There has been much debate over whether God ever sanctions, or
allows, divorce. The above passages speak to this matter, because in
them Jesus says, Whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the
cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever
shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery (Matthew 5:32),
(underlining by the author). What did Jesus mean by these state-
ments?
Many Bible expositors believe that the Lord is stating that a man
may divorce his wife if she is unfaithful to him, that is, if she has en-
gaged in sexual relations with another man while married to her hus-
117
band. The word fornication is the Greek word, “porneia,” and is
used for many practices of sexual immorality, or uncleanness. How-
ever, even if your marriage partner is unfaithful to you, you have
made a covenant with him or her and with God. Is sexual unfaithful-
ness, then, grounds for divorce?
Other Bible expositors believe that the Lord is talking about the
special case of the Jewish betrothal period in these verses. A man
who is betrothed (or engaged) to a woman (who is called a “wife”
during the engagement period), if he finds that she has had sexual
relations with another man, is allowed to divorce her, that is, break
off the engagement. They cite the instance of Joseph, and his possi-
ble intent before the angel spoke with him concerning Mary, in
Matthew 1:19, as an example of this type of divorce.
Still others suggest that in the Jewish culture of the day, there were
two positions on divorce: some said divorce was allowed in all cases;
some said it was allowed only in cases of fornication. But notice how
the Lord answered this inquiry in Luke. He referred back to “the be-
ginning,” when there was no divorce at all.
Clearly, this issue will not be easily resolved. It may not be re-
solved until we all get to heaven. In the meantime, let us be obedient
to what we do know is right in the sight of God regarding our rela-
tionships in marriage. If we are obedient, according to John 7:17,
God will give us “further light” when the time comes for a decision
on any matter in question. His Spirit will guide us, and we will
achieve the ultimate goal of the Christian life: to glorify God in all
things by walking in the Spirit.
1. How do Genesis 2:24 and Matthew 19:3-9 support the idea that
marriage is a permanent institution?
119
The Christian Family and Marriage Series
Session 14
SPECIAL TOPICS ON THE FAMILY
(Healing Broken Relationships; Single-Parent and Blended Families)
The landscape of families has changed drastically over the last twenty
years. Now there are many single-parent and blended families. There
are parent-less families that have originated because of the AIDS epi-
demic and various other calamities.
This session will examine some principles that apply to different
types of families. Hopefully, this material will assist you in helping
other families that are different, but still beloved of God.
120
failure can be almost overwhelming at times. If the parents originally
opposed the marriage, the feelings of failure will be compounded.
The individual may not want to tell the parents or appeal to them for
help. Additionally, the loss of personal energy in dealing with the
separation/divorce may contribute to the person’s feelings of inade-
quacy and insecurity. He may believe he is not capable of “starting
over again.” Even though others sincerely offer their help, the di-
vorced person may feel worse because he is receiving this help.
Many divorced people also struggle with anger, resentment, and
bitterness toward the spouse. There is a sense of betrayal for trust
that was misplaced, and the initial hurt has turned into deep anger.
Now the divorced person is forced to cope with life circumstances
that they did not expect (like bringing up the children by them-
selves). This anger may continue for years, and sometimes is only re-
solved by the death of the former spouse.
Guilt is another emotion that divorced people experience. Usually,
both marital partners share in the blame for the broken marriage. Al-
though they may deny their own faults and failures, deep down both
spouses know they are responsible. When children are involved, guilt
may increase. This would be as the partner observes the suffering that
will inevitably come to these who must now go on without mother or
father in the home. Additionally, guilt (as well as anger) is experi-
enced when there are custody battles over the children, and weekly
or monthly arrangements that must be made for visitation.
Although widows and widowers struggle with depression over the
loss of the spouse, the divorced person experiences a different type
of despondency. Widowed people usually have some good memo-
ries and good feelings that bolster them in times of need. It is just the
opposite with divorced people. As they review the events of their
marriage, most often there is a renewal of the anger, hurt, bitterness,
and regret. Other people who may comfort and sustain the widowed
person for the long period of recovery may not feel as charitable to-
ward the divorced person. This increases the feelings of isolation and
depression.
Perhaps an appropriate summary of the effects of divorce comes
from this writer:
“One night I gave a lecture to over one hundred formerly married
men and women, and afterwards I spent a period answering the
questions which had been written and turned in at the close of my
talk . . . The last question spoke eloquently of what the experience
121
can do to a person. It asked, What do you do when all you want to
do is die, after two years?”
a.Adults:
Recovery from a divorce is a long process. There are no quick so-
lutions. But there is hope and help that can be given, and here are
some suggestions:
122
feel like a “fifth wheel.” You can overcome this feeling by sin-
cerely telling the person that you want him or her to be there be-
cause you like him or her. Don’t treat the individual as a “project,”
because this will be noted and resented. Use discretion so that a
spouse does not feel uncomfortable with the third party. One
lady, who was either divorced or widowed, said that even her
best friend resented her and did not invite her to be with them, as
a couple, as a single person. The couples had previously gotten
together frequently. It would not be appropriate for a husband to
do repairs at the home of a divorcée without his wife present. It
is too easy for another marriage to be endangered.
b. Children:
Recovery from the divorce of parents is also a long process for the
children. Often they experience the same stages of grief as an adult,
although they do not verbalize it: denial, anger, depression, and
eventual acceptance. You can help children of divorce in these ways:
123
• Give academic help – It is well known that children of divorce
do not perform as well academically as their peers. Often they
lack focus and motivation, and are easily distracted. Offer to help
a child who is struggling in school. Encourage the child that he
can succeed, and that you believe in his ability. It can make all
the difference.
• Avoid the “holiday shuffle” - If you have experienced a divorce,
or are an adult child of divorce, you know what a struggle holi-
day times can be for children. Young children are shuffled from
family to family to make sure each relative spends some time
with them. Adult children feel obligated to visit each divorced
parent, or new family that has resulted after the divorce. As
much as possible, minimize the effects of hectic holidays by 1)
visiting only one family on the holiday, and 2) arranging another
time to visit the other family, or families, perhaps the month fol-
lowing the actual holiday, or alternating key holidays.
KEY: If you do not begin with these vital steps of clearing your
conscience from guilt, and your heart from bitterness, you will not be
free to take any of the next steps to rebuild your life. You will also
tend to damage the marriages of your own children and others
around you.
Even though you have made many mistakes in the past, now is
the time for you to start over and be an example of unselfishness.
Think of your children’s needs first, not just your own. Don’t make
125
your children the battleground for continued conflict with your for-
mer spouse; and don’t overprotect or overindulge your children just
because they are affected by the divorce. Ask God for the wisdom to
continue to bring up your children in a healthy fashion. Encourage
other family members (grandparents, et al) to do the same.
1. Single-Parent Families
If you are a single-parent head of the household, you now have
many tasks to perform that you did not anticipate. Let’s examine
some tasks that you can do, and those you cannot do.
126
ture anxieties. You must train your mind to focus on the Person
of Christ who lives within you, and not on the problems that
loom before your eyes. It is ever true: “the battle is in the mind.”
Memorize 2 Corinthians 10:5 and practice casting down any
thoughts or reasonings that do not honor Christ. For a fuller ex-
planation of how to renew your mind with the truth of God’s
Word, see Source of Light’s CrossWalk 220 Foundation Series.
2.“Blended” Families
The blended family consists of the families of two (or more) differ-
ent adults who are now living under the same roof. This creates
many challenges in relating to step-parents and to step-brothers and
step-sisters. Here are a few guidelines:
127
couraged. There will be good days and bad days. It will take
time to develop a new family unit. However, as you water the
entire process with prayer, God can and will do exceeding abun-
dantly above all that we ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).
3. Name three things you can do to help an adult who has suffered a
divorce. Share one thing you will do to help a specific person.
a.
b.
c.
4. Name three things you can do to help a child who has suffered a
divorce. Share one thing you will do to help a specific child or
adult child of divorce.
a.
b.
c.
128
129