Understanding the opposite sex

(The male and female single)

Olufemi Fasanya

1st Printing 2009

Understand the opposite sex (The male and female single)
Copyright © Olufemi Fasanya
(i) Phone No: +234(0)803 725 7479, +234(0)808 390 6405
(ii) E-mail: relationshipmatters@gmail.com
(iii) Website: www.relationship-singles.blogspot.com
Published by AD CRUSADE
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Ijeshatedo,
Surulere,
Lagos.
+234(0)802 370 7705, +234(0)1 8534127
ISBN: 978-067-626-0
All right reserve. No portion of this book may be reproduced in whole or in part
in any form without the written consent of the publisher or author.
Printed in the Federal Republic of Nigeria

Content

Dedication
Acknowledgement
Foreword
Introduction
Story lines
Understanding the opposite sex- the female single
Understanding the opposite sex- the female single
The missing key
About the author
Acknowledgement
My special thanks goes to everyone who has being supportive of what the Lord com
mitted to my hand which includes, the patrons and members of Singles Affair Mini
stry. God bless you for your support. It goes to my pastor; Pastor Sam Ajana. I
say a big thank you to Reverend Kayode who has taken the time to read and forewo
rd this booklet.
I also appreciate Mrs. Oke and my brother (Olumide Fasanya) for the time they sp
ent in proof reading this book.
My continual thanks go to my wife for her love and support.
And to my sons (Alexander and Jonathan), you are indeed gifts from the Lord.

Foreword
This is simply a reality, and we all need a dose of it once a while. I believe i
t will help many think right and do the right things as they prepare for real re
lationships that will end in marriages that will stand the test of all times.
E. O. Kayode PhD

Introduction
I got a writing job with a horizon express this year (2009); the write of this b
ook is a product of two write ups on some of the relationship issues I have writ
ten for them so far.
I have over the years discover that if a relationship will succeed, there is a n
eed for singles to understand the word opposite when it comes to the issue of re
lationship with those that are not of your sex. The word opposite sex is used to
denote the other gender (whether male or female); it shows that they are differ
ences in the behavioral pattern of both sexes that differentiate them from one a
nother.
Taking the time out to understand why the opposite sex behave the way they do is
important factor when it comes to having peace of mind in your relationship. My
prayer is that this write up will illuminate your heart and make a better perso
n who can make the right decision out of relationship of you.
Understanding the opposite sex- the female single
Story line
Sammy just did not understand why some women are gullible; he has watched Dan wh
o is popularly known as the DON because of the way he had his way with women, ha
d his way with women he expects to be smart. He had heard of his (Dan) exploit l
ong before he even got to know him personally; when he relates with Dan, he talk
s so proudly about his exploit with the opposite sex and how it is impossible fo
r any lady he is interested in to say no to his advances. This is the way he sai
d he goes about it…
Dan said, he knows that most women love externality than the real thing. Accordi
ng to him, women do not love to be told the truth, so the best way to catch them
is to show them the shadow of the real thing and they will come licking your sh
oe. To catch his prey, all he needs do is go and get his friend (Alex) clothes.
He (Alex) has lots of designer clothes because he travels a lot abroad; whenever
he is not in town, Sammy will have access to his car and cruise it around town.
He will then go for the lady he wants; first he will try to give her a lift, the
n he will do all he can to be Mr. Perfect Gentleman until he had gotten her and
‘bed’ her. Then he would move on to another lady. According to him, he has maste
red this act over the years that he has become good at it. He has proves of his
exploits; he always kept a souvenir- their parties.
What hurt Sammy however, is that Janet the lady he had confessed his undying lov
e for is his present catch. Sammy had expressed his feelings for her and how he
has a promising future though the present situation he is in may not seem smooth
. She just smiled and never gave him a response to his offer, it was weeks later
that he heard that the DON has won her heart.
This is the story that some men have; they never stop wondering why the women th
ey love never seem to show interest for them beyond that of the platonic feeling
. These men never stop wondering why women love the bad guys.
If you do not understand the opposite sex, they will never stop to be a mystery
to you. Knowing why they do things the way they do, is vital to wining their hea
ts. I have listed below some of the things you need to understand about the oppo
site sex- the female single…
She is designed to be emotional- Unlike her male counterpart; the female is desi
gned to be primarily emotional. She easily gets attracted to the opposite sex th
at has touched her in the area of her emotion, than any man that competes agains
t her. I have said this over again in singles conferences that I have been privi
leged to speak in, if you can get the attention of a woman’s ears, you can win h
er heart.
If a woman loves a man, she loves him passionately. She will do practically anyt
hing to get and keep the man who appeals to her emotion. One of the reason that
a woman will give her body to a man is because the man had won her heart; her vi
rginity is a price possession that she will give to a guy that makes her feel sp
ecial. This is one of the reasons that it is difficult for a woman to forget her
first love.
Due to the emotional state of the woman, she can easily live with hatred and unf
orgiveness for years if the man she gave her heart to breaks it. Women can be ve
ngeful; hurt one real bad and pray for your dear life.
Some women have attempted suicide (commit one to), because the man they gave the
ir heart to, broke it. In my book why ‘good’ women marry ‘bad’ men, I wrote wha
t someone discovered in one of the psychiatric hospital in Nigeria; he discovere
d that 70% of their female inmate are married women. Their hubby hurt them so ba
d that they just did not let it go until they went crazy.
Single men, should not make the conclusion that a woman is in love with them bec
ause of how she expressed herself emotional. Men should understand that love is
more than emotion; love is more of a character thing. Note the way she treats th
e people around; it will ultimately determine how she will relate with you in th
e future.
Most single women are skilled prey- Men feel that the women they are dating was
primary their decision; they believe that they are the don who got what they wan
t. The one who won the battle against other suitors that were interested in thei
r lady. That my friend (to the men) is a joke.
The reality is that women like most smart preys, stoke their hunters until if ca
re is not taken on their part (the hunter), gain the upper hand against them. Li
ons are known to kill men who hurt them; they are not just savage beast, they ar
e quite intelligent too.
If men only knew that the women they feel they conquered by making their own, ar
e actually the ones that conquered them. If the lady that you are dating does no
t choose you amongst the other suitors, you would have been amongst the ones tha
t lost out. I feel that women have what I call a magnetic web- aura, which draws
men they are attracted to in; if she does not have feelings for a guy, the aura
around her will be pungent. She is like honey that attracts the ant she wants.
I guess some men have stories of how they chased a lady they love for years, but
she never seems to show any interested. Then they eventually give up; the day t
hey meet the guy she gave her consent to, they never to stop wondering if she ha
s gone mad.
Women are possessive by nature- Women love to own forever, anyone or thing that
ignites their emotion. They have natural tendency to be possessive; that nature
can make them very deceptive. Observe your girl friend and your mum or sister; t
hey likely will be best of friends now, but after marriage, it will be another s
tory. The reason is because of the possessive nature of women.
Some men feel that they can just walk into a woman’s life; sleep with her and as
sume that that is all between them. The day a man sleeps with a lady, he should
know that he is actually having sex with a lady who wants to tie him down. Sexua
l intercourse is more than fun to women; it is actually the giving out of her bo
dy and soul. Once she gives that out, she expects to keep whoever she gave it to
.
I feel that men should play safe by not getting into anything intimate with the
lady they do not have the picture to get married to in the future.
They love men who are in charge- I guess most of the singles that will read this
write ups will have either watched or read at least one love story. You will ha
ve noted that in those films or novel, the prince is always depicted as a strong
figure and not a weakling. He is not depicted as man who cannot eat or sleep be
cause of a lady; he seems to play them around. Then he meets a lady that catches
his attention, and he over time professes his undying love for her.
Every man should know that if they have watched or read at least a love story pr
esently, an average single lady has read or watched at least 5. So she carries a
picture of a man who will be in charge; not a Lilly livered guy that do not eve
n know how to ask a lady out. Neither does she have a picture of a man that she
can boss around all through her life time if she makes a mistake of getting marr
ied to him; she wants a man.
In the war of who will keep a lady amongst the suitors available; the one who wi
ll win her heart is not the one who can only write and speak Shakespeare. The on
e who will likely win will be the bold, daring and economically comfortable pers
on amongst them.
Women are very imaginative- Do not dream of a simple marriage around a woman; yo
u will be wasting your time. Women have a fairy tale picture of what their weddi
ng day will be like; they have it so imbedded in their mind that the only thing
that can make they alter it is if the circumstances is beyond their control (e.g
. in the situation of pregnancy before they tie the knot).
Women have such creative minds; I can remember about six years ago when I was go
ing to get married to my wife. There was nothing I said that made her change her
mind on the kind of wedding she had dreamt of; she had such a lovely expensive
wedding gown and lovely plans for the wedding day. Thank God for mercy that part
of her plans was altered; today, she cannot even put the wedding gown on again
(you are free to guess what her size will be now after 2 children). She was happ
y about the wedding she got, but you can guess the expenses it incurred.
If you are making your marriage arrangement, put it at the back of your mind tha
t it is natural for your lady to have the kind of fantastic imaginations she has
. The role of the man is not to emotionally react to the bills that he has to pa
y, rather he should logically find a way of cutting down the cost.
They think more of the future- Single women often make decision of who they will
go into intimate relationship based on how they perceive the future will be lik
e with the person. I call this, security consciousness. I really do not accept t
he Nigerian adage, which makes women appear to only love men with money. I belie
ve that women love a secure future; it is however, how they define security that
differentiates them from one another. I believe that this came with the females
make up; the first female was created in a secured environment (do bear with me
, this is my religious view). Her hubby had a job, was in charge and a house of
his own. If a man has all this, he will appear to be the DON amongst his pears w
ho are not fortunate to be doing to well with the opposite sex. It is often the
challenges that men have; many single men have got it in their psychic that no w
oman can truly love them in the state they are in. I believe that this is not tr
ue. You can indeed be loved at whatever level of financial stand that you may be
now.
How women define security defers, but the smart ones define it from the perspect
ive of a purpose driven life than from what a man has physically accumulated alo
ne. It is not all women that will accept your present status (if you are not fin
ancially buoyant), but if you can communicate your passion and pursue it, you wi
ll discover that you are as charming as those with only cash in their pockets.
Women are potential heartbreakers- Due to the consciousness of the future, it is
possible for a single lady to leave the love of her life to get married to some
one she feels that her future will be secured with.
Another reason why women are potential heartbreakers is because of their emotion
al state; emotion is never stable. Except a lady has built a life of character,
emotional swings may make her go for someone who makes her heart skip beats desp
ite the fact that she may be in a stable relationship.
Every male singles should therefore learn to let their primary essence- logic, p
revail against their emotion in their choice of a partner. Care must be taken no
t to choose a partner that makes you feel young alone, but someone who will be a
ble stay with you till death do you both part irrespective of the uncertainties
of the future.

Understanding the opposite sex- the male single

Story line
If you met Tonia, and raise the issue of relationship with her; what you will he
ar her say is that all men are the same- they just cannot be trusted. She had go
ne through bitter experiences in the intimate relationships she had been involve
d in, in the past. In her last relationship, she could have sworn that John was
different from every other man she had dated in the past. He was such a darling;
she could confide in him and enjoy the attention that he showered on her. She l
oved him dearly.
However, things did not work out in the relationship as she had expected that it
would. He had told her early in the relationship that he has a child from his f
irst love, but that there was no string attached between them any more. In the c
ause of relating with her intimately, he asked for her forgiveness. He said, he
loved her but he cannot take the relationship to the next level (marriage), beca
use he was concerned about his son not growing up without his dad around. Accord
ing to him, his ex has being using the child to blackmail him to come back to he
r; she had also gone to the extent of using his family against him.
Today, he had gone back to her; Tonia still hurts badly when she remembers all t
he unkept promises he made to her.
I feel that if a relationship will be successful, both parties should understand
the way the opposite sex behaves. It will be heart rendering, if a lady expects
her fiancé to think, feel and act like her. Here are some of the things you nee
d to know about the opposite sex- the male single…
Before marriage a man is an emotional giver- Married women find it strange that
their hubbies, who were great givers before marriage, seem to be a miser after t
hey tied the knot. Many married women become frustrated in their marriage becaus
e their hubbies giving attitude has changed after marriage; they always have one
thousand and one things to do with the with the money they have at hand rather
than give it to them to do what they felt is necessary at home or for themselves
. I have counseled women whose hubby will not lift a hand in the upbringing of t
heir children, yet they were wonderful men before they got married.
It is essential that single ladies understand the opposite sex before going into
relationship with them. A man is an emotional giver before marriage, but a prac
tical giver after afterwards. The fact that a man takes you out, buys things for
you, do not mean he understands what love entails. That is the way he was desig
ned.
Single women should therefore not give out their hearts to a man who is a great
giver except she has checked out the following parameter- the way he relates wit
h people around. Is he a great giver to others? If he is stingy to people around
him, he will ultimately treat you the same way.
Men behave like hunters- Men are designed to hunt for the kind of women that app
eals to them; if any lady appeals to his senses, he will seek for ways to woo he
r. If you want to scare away any man, you go chasing him. He will run for his da
re life.
One of the attributes of a hunter is, he only appreciates his kill for a time. H
e always, goes hunting for a more daring kill after the last one. Here is were I
need to give a strict warning to single ladies, never allow any man go in betwe
en your legs until after he has said ‘I do.’ A man will profess his undying love
to a lady; like the emotional movies, he will kneel to say how much she meant t
o him. He will cherish her as long as he has not killed his prey (had sex with h
er); then he will demand for the means the lady should show her love for him- th
at in most cases is for her to have sex with him. He will beg, coax, and even tr
y to manipulate her to getting what he wants. If a lady ever falls for this, she
had lost over 51% chance that he will get married to her.
I often ask single ladies, why should a man get married to you when he is gettin
g all that married men get from their wives. Men will often get married to women
who have proven themselves impossible to get in the area of sexual intercourse.
The songs of single men is, ‘I will do anything for you’- After relating with ma
rried women for some time, I have come to a conclusion that one of the challenge
s that they have with their hubbies is the unkept promises they (their hubby) ma
de to them especially before marriage. I know a woman who still hurts because he
r hubby made a promise of enhancing her academically after marriage, which he di
d not keep.
Single men make lots of promises before marriage; I feel that men are good at do
ing that. Women should therefore not fall for the sweet promise of heaven on ear
th marriage that a man will paint to them; they should observe the consistent pa
ttern of behavior of the man. The reason is because, the song of men after marri
age is, ‘I will not do anything for you.’
If you are involved in any relationship, never take it to the next level based o
n promises that he made. Marriage do not change people, it amplifies who they ar
e. Never get involve in a relationship with the expectation that you will change
your man. Before marriage he may reform, after marriage, he will return to who
he really is.
Men are primarily logical- By design; a man should analyze his actions before he
takes step in the direction. He is not meant to be spontaneous in his actions,
every of his move is meant to be calculated. If you ever meet a man who acts out
primarily out of emotion, he will not make a good partner. Men, who are excessi
vely jealous, loving and explosive in their reaction to negative situations, sho
w a person who is not in control. It shows that something has gone wrong somewhe
re in his upbringing.
I counseled a male single once; his complain was that the ladies he had loved in
the past left him for other men despite the affections he showered on them. I r
esponded by saying that, he deserve what he got. I told him, he was designed to
act as a man instead of been sissy. No woman should stay with a man like that.
So you need to know how a man thinks; men do not go for women who they feel are
smarter than them. They want to retain the logic power (decision making power) i
n the home; if a wise woman wants to relate with her man, she will get through t
o him by making him feel that the wonderful thoughts/idea came from him. Once a
man feels like king (the one in control), he will do almost anything for his wom
an. That includes taking the relationship to the next level- marriage.
Men are competitive by nature- A lady once said to me, ‘Every man wants to marry
a virgin, but wants to live with a prostitute.’ Women should understand the psy
chic of the male man; he loves the feeling of been the number one in everything.
Men are built to be competitive and they adore been adored.
Single women should have observed by now that it is only men that ask ‘Are you a
virgin?’ I believe the reason is because of his competitive nature of wanting t
o be the ‘man’ in anything he is involved in. When you understand the man from t
his angle, care is therefore need on how you deal with him. I counseled a lady w
ho is single; the guy she had been dating decided that it was time to move on. S
he was deeply hurt that the relationship came to an end and as at when we spoke;
she just put it behind her. From our discussion, I discover that her friends ar
e majorly male. So, I told her that I do not blame the guy for leaving; when a m
an feels threaten, he either fights or just back out. My advice to her is that s
he should get married to her best friend, who happens to be a male.
If the man you are interested in ask questions relating to your past in relation
to the opposite sex, answer the question discreetly. I do not encourage lying,
I however, do not encourage stupidity. If you have had sexual experiences in the
past, please do not make the mistake of been detailed about it to the man you i
n relationship with now. If you make the mistake, he may soon be gone.
He is created to rule- The man is created to give leadership to his home; he is
meant to rule and take his family in the direction of his purpose. A man was giv
en the job to rule; one way he was design to rule is to make the discovery for t
he reason he was born and make the choice of partner from that decision.
Women should be careful of defining success from the path of material well being
. Most men’s lives will come to an end if they loose their paid job; women shoul
d not make the mistake of falling head over for man who is successful because of
the job he is doing. Success should be defined from the path of purpose than pr
ofession. Isaac Digi said, ‘If you are a young lady, for instance, and you are a
sking me how to know a man I want to marry, I will say, look, ask the man, what
is your vision in life? This is because where ever you are going or whatever you
r vision is is where you are taking me. I may not want to go there.’ I believe t
hat single women should obey the wisdom of Isaac Digi.
One of the challenges that women have after marriage is that the man who will do
practically what they bid him to when they were single, suddenly becomes comman
der in chief after they tied the knot. She suddenly discovers that he wants to t
ake charge of her life; he gives commands that he wants obeyed without question.

If a lady undermines the authority of the man she is dating, he will likely leav
e her for another woman who is wise enough to say ‘yes sir.’ On the issue of pur
pose, I wrote in my book, singles, your spouse is not in church the following, ‘
Find out if the man/woman you are interested in is a purpose driven person. Wher
e a conflict exists with yours, my advice is that you should think twice about t
he relationship that you are in/about to enter into. You will never be fulfilled
in your marriage if the two of you are heading in the opposite direction.’
Men are potential heartbreakers- Until the guy that is interested in you says, ‘
I do,’ he can leave you. Every single lady should guard their hearts in any rela
tionship they are in; they are permitted to love, but should be careful.
I have come to discover that after the end of a relationship, women tend to hurt
more than their male counterpart. It can take months and even years before they
get over heartbreaks; I know a lady that it took over 10 years to get over the
pain of heartbreak. Women are known to attempt suicide when a relationship comes
to an end.
Every woman should learn to have a life they enjoy than live around their man al
one; keep your family, friends and close associate despite the level of closenes
s that you have with your man. Let your world rotate around your passion more th
an a man; develop yourself and enjoy your own company.

The missing key

I have written a book with the objective of meeting the needs of singles with re
gards to relationship with the opposite sex; however, there is a need for me to
state here that it will take your relationship with Jesus Christ of Nazareth tha
t can enable you live and make the right choices without been overwhelmed with t
he emotion called love. His life is so powerful that it will bring a transforma
tion into your own life and then the desired reformation will start to take plac
e.
Do say this prayer in faith if you want to make him the Lord of your life…
Lord Jesus, I come to you today asking you to forgive me all of my trespasses of
the past. I accept you as the Lord of my life and ask that you write my name in
the book of life. From this very minute, I ask that you take charge of my life
and enable me by your Spirit to please the Father.
If you have said this prayer in faith; then you are a new creation, old things h
ave passed away and behold all things have become new.

About the author

Olufemi Fasanya has a message that transcends barriers of age, culture and statu
s. He is a TV presenter, a columnist in one of the Nigerian dailies and talented
author and speaker in seminars on relationship issues. He has authored five boo
ks on relationship already- 21 never singles must observe, Singles your spouse i
s not in church, Marital delay, reasons, effects and the way out, Wrong relation
ship- telltale signs that shows if you and in one and Goodbye- facts that makes
saying it necessary.
He is the coordinator of Singles Affair Ministry which he founded over seven yea
rs ago to meet the needs of singles. He is a graduate with a Bachelor of Science
Degree in Economics.
He is also married to Doyin and the marriage is blessed with two children alread
y- Alexander and Jonathan.
You can read more of his write ups on his blog, www.relationship-singles.blogspo
t.com

Back cover
William L. Coleman said, ‘Marriages that begin with fireworks may end up as scat
tered ashes.’ In this book, Olufemi Fasanya wrote on the need to love with your
eyes wide open before getting into the next step of relationship (marriage), so
that you can make the right decision.
This book contains…
A story that you can relate with.
Why singles fall in love.
- They want a partner that is different from their parent(s)
- They have a fantastic dream of a relationship without friction
Why falling in love is dangerous.
- It has a blinding effect
- It has a maddening effect
The excellent way of finding love
The missing key
Quotes from Dwight Baltzell, Kemi Dayo-Aiyetan, etc.
People who fall get up with pains in their body. So also people who fall in love
get up with a broken heart, unforgiveness, sometimes with psychosis, and suicid
e tendency.