Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Imagine if your teenage son freely opened up and shared what’s really
going on inside his head. You’d probably lose consciousness, right?
And if he came home from school speaking in complete sentences—
as opposed to his usual grunt-like expressions (“Uh-huh,” “Naaaa,” “I
dunno!”)—you’d be making a frantic 9-1-1 call: “Hello, police? I’d like
to report an impostor on the premises. He says he’s my son, but I know
better!”
In reality, that once-affectionate kid who used to talk your ear off
is now beginning to pull away. He’s being replaced by a man-sized teen
who claims your hugs “invade his space.” Ironic, isn’t it? Just when your
son needs you the most, he shuts down. This leaves parents everywhere
desperate for answers:
It’s just you and me. We’re not a real family. Everything is so messed up.
I just can’t take it anymore.”
Before Jeanna could utter another word, Nick stood up and threw
his fork on the table. “Look, I don’t want to talk—to anyone.” With that
he stormed out of the kitchen.
Jeanna slumped back in her chair and pushed her food away. Lately it
seemed as if Nick was on an emotional roller coaster. He was even pulling
away from Jeanna’s attempts to reach out. The weary mom was scared, con-
fused, and desperate. Most of all, she was starting to lose her patience.
As she sat at the kitchen table, she began to think about a promise
she had read earlier in the Bible:
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name;
you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with
you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over
you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the
flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the
Holy One of Israel, your Savior. (Isaiah 43:1b–3a)
Jeanna rubbed her eyes and took a deep breath. I’m barely treading
water, yet I know I’ve got to trust. I realize I have to stay strong and not let
this get the best of me.
Later that evening, Jeanna stood quietly by her son’s room and poured
out her heart in prayer: Lord, I know Nick doesn’t mean to act this way. And
I know that I need to be a source of strength—and reach out now more than
ever. Please be my source of strength. Give me the right words and actions.
Most of all, don’t let me lose him.
Jeanna tapped on the door. “Nick, can I come in?”
“Whatever.”
Jeanna pushed open the door. “I just wanted to say good-night . . .
and maybe get a hug.”
Nick just blinked.
Jeanna sat down on the edge of the bed and embraced her son.
Girls call and text me all the time. I love it, but my parents are
kinda freaking out. They’ve given me “the talk” again, which totally
grosses me out.—Chad, 12
shapes and sizes he sees at school or in the locker room, he can rest assured
that he’s normal! He is created by the one and only God Almighty, the God
of the universe, and He never makes mistakes. His timing is perfect.
I get erections all the time—usually at the wrong times, like when
a girl walks up to me and says, “Hi!” It’s totally embarrassing. I feel
like some kind of sex freak.—Andre, 14
Time magazine reporter Nancy Gibbs described the early teen years
as “the age of childhood leaning forward and adulthood holding back,
when the world gets suddenly closer, the colors more vivid, the rules
subject to never ending argument.” 2
Boys this age have bodies that are chemical laboratories, exploding
with all kinds of new activity. And with all these changes going on inside
2 Nancy Gibbs, “What Does It Mean to Be 13?” Time, July 31, 2005, www.time.com/time/
magazine/article/0,9171,1088701,00.html.
(and outside), your early teen can’t help asking himself, Is this normal?
Am I normal?
Maybe he has sprouted three inches above everyone else his age. Or
maybe his peers did the growing, and he feels abnormal. It’s important
that you continue to alleviate his fears, assuring him that his development
is a normal part of growing up.
Tell him this: “Your body is changing and you’re getting a new look.
Occasionally you’ll wish you could hide behind a sign that says ‘Stay
Away—Under Construction!’ But try to be patient, because when the
manhood-morphing process is over, you’re going to like the new you.”
Your son will also probably change some part of his identity. “He
will shuck off the identity you have given him as easily as he discards
the clothes you buy him,” Gary Hunt points out. “Some of these passing
phases will be incorporated into the person he will ultimately become;
others will fade away.” 3
During the early teen years, it’s essential that you help your boy make
sense of another change in his life—his sexual awakening. By now he has
probably noticed a strong appetite for sex. Sadly, though, much of what
he’ll learn about this wondrous part of his life will come from his peers,
including misinformation about girls. What’s more, your teenager is being
bombarded almost constantly with sexual messages from the media. Parents
must set the record straight and communicate the truth about sex.
“Sexual energy,” notes author Bill Beausay in his book Teenage Boys,
“especially in someone as hormonally charged as your teenage son, is a
wildly strong and surprising force. It begins in your son’s life during these
years, peaks at 18, and won’t burn out for a long, long time.” 4
I guess you could call me the more sensitive type. I’m not really
into sports or the outdoors, and I prefer stuff like reading, writing,
and art. But some guys make fun of me and call me a sissy. Is it okay
if a guy doesn’t act real macho?—Thomas, 16
I’m almost a man, and I’ve never kissed a girl. I haven’t even
had a girlfriend. I feel creepy, like maybe I repulse females or
something.—Nathan, 17
years (or how much you love him). But he will, almost instantaneously,
recall the “injustices” you’ve caused: your “countless broken promises,”
the times you blamed him for things he insists he didn’t do, those days
when you were “too busy.” While perfect parenthood should never be
your goal, it is important to build trust by earning the right to be heard.
How? It starts with the next step.
Your attention builds trust. Teens know that love shown by parents
says, “Your life is important, son, and I’m going to give you my time.” When
you spend time with him, show him you will listen and talk and work
things out together. Invade his world . . . and let him invade yours.
I’m in love with a girl who has all the qualities I’m looking for—
including a strong faith in God. Even though we’ve only known each
other for a month, I’m convinced that I’ve found my wife. We want to
get married, but my parents are putting a stop to it. They say we’re
way too young to get serious romantically, especially to think about
marriage. They want me to go to college first.—Josh, 19
By age eighteen, your son has reached the end of his teen years and
has now approached yet another beginning: manhood.
His gaze is on the future and life on his own. But once he’s indepen-
dent of you, will he leave his faith back in high school, or will he strive
to become the solid person God calls him to be? Will he fulfill his hopes
and dreams, or will he slide toward a life of regrets?
emotions, give him plenty of privacy, and never, ever make fun of the
process. If you do, he’ll shut down quicker than he can say “I’m outta
here!”
Exactly what’s going on with his body? Let’s take a look at each stage
of his development during the teen years:
Ages 9–11: Inside his body, male hormones are becoming active.
They travel through the blood and give the testes the signal to begin the
production of testosterone and sperm. Translation: When these hormones
finish their work, he’ll no longer think girls have cooties. In fact, he’ll
probably find himself very intrigued by cooties!
Ages 12–13: His testicles grow and begin hanging lower. Pubic hair
appears at the base of his penis. Testosterone begins to transform the shape
of his body. The muscles in his chest and shoulders grow bigger.
Ages 14–15: His penis gets longer and a little wider, and pubic hair
gets darker and coarser. Facial and underarm hair may develop, as well
as hair on his legs. His voice may begin to lower in pitch and may even
crack at times. He’ll experience his first ejaculation. He may actually be
awakened some night by a “wet dream” (an ejaculation of semen from
his penis). This can feel a little weird—probably not the kind of thing
he’ll want to talk about. Your job as a parent is to assure him that these
things are absolutely normal.
Ages 16–17: He’ll notice another growth spurt in his penis. More
body hair appears and takes on an adult texture.
Ages 18–19: His body will reach full adult height and physique.
Pubic hair spreads to his thighs and up toward his belly. Chest hair may
appear, and shaving his growing facial hair is a must.
Dr. Joy says this is why most boys have a tougher time putting their
thoughts and feelings into words. It’s also why many young males release
emotions through intense, energetic bursts: They fly off the handle, slam
doors, beat their fists on a wall, and lash out at their siblings. Then
they shut down and retreat into some sort of focused activity, such as a
computer game.
Here’s a quick overview of how you can stay connected as your son
navigates the rough waters of adolescence:
Let him retreat to his “cave.” Guys need time alone in order to sort
through a problem. Give him some space.
Let him talk when he’s ready. Communicate that you are available
to lend an ear.
Let him open up at his own pace. Never prod him to cough up every
detail. This could cause him to shut down even more.
Let him know that his feelings are safe with you. This last step
takes time and patience. But it’s nurtured by you through an attitude of
acceptance.
Listen to how one young man describes his teen years, as well as his
survival secret:
I hated my junior high years. Kids at school were brutal, and the
teachers weren’t much better. But my parents made a difference
and my teen years got better.
My dad was there for me right when I needed him most, and my
mom never stopped encouraging me. At the time, my friends were
important to me, but they never replaced my parents. Consistently
throughout my life, Mom and Dad told me that they loved me and
that they were always there for me. Those messages really stuck
with me—especially when my friends pressured me to do stuff
that was wrong.
Instead of getting myself into a stupid situation, I’d go to my
parents for advice. I trust what they say and know that they’ll help me
make good decisions. I owe everything to Mom and Dad.—Sean, 19