TheCompleteEditionofMurphy's

Laws
Copyright1997byAndreasGtzLastmodified07/30/201213:23:32

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A
Abbott'sAdmonitions
1. Ifyouhavetoask,you'renotentitledtoknow.
2. Ifyoudon'tliketheanswer,youshouldn'thaveaskedthequestion.
Abrams'sAdvice
Wheneatinganelephant,takeonebiteatatime.
AbsolutePrincipal
Beautyisonlyskindeep,uglygoestothebone.
RuleofAccuracy
Whenworkingtowardthesolutionofaproblem,italwayshelpsifyouknowthe
answer.
CorollaryProvided,ofcourse,thatyouknowthereisaproblem.
Acheson'sRuleoftheBureaucracy
Amemorandumiswrittennottoinformthereaderbuttoprotectthewriter.
Acton'sLaw
Powertendstocorruptabsolutepowercorruptsabsolutely.
Ade'sLaw
Anybodycanwinunlesstherehappenstobeasecondentry.
LawofAdultOpportunity
Opportunityalwaysknocksattheleastappropriatemoment.
AdvancedSystemsNewsLetter
Thenailthatsticksupgetshammereddown.
AgnesAllen'sLaw
Almostanythingiseasiertogetintothanoutof.
AirplaneLaw
Whentheplaneyouareonislate,theplaneyouwanttotransfertoisontime.
LawofAirports

Thedistancetothegateisinverselyproportionaltothetimeavailabletocatchthe
flight.
Alan'sLawofResearch
Thetheoryissupportedaslongasthefundsare.
Albrecht'sLaw
Socialinnovationstendtothelevelofminimumtolerablewellbeing.
Alfred'sLawofNIMBY'ism[Notinmybackyard]
Theguyholdingthebiggestsigndemandingthatthefreewaybetorndownmoved
insixyearsafteritwasconstructed.
LawofAlgebra
Younevercatchonuntilafterthetest.
Algren'sPrecepts
NevereatataplacecalledMom's.NeverplaycardswithamannamedDoc.And
neverliedownwithawomanwho'sgotmoretroublesthanyou.
LawofAlienation
Nothingcansoalienateavoterfromthepoliticalsystemasbackingawinning
candidate.
Alinsky'sRuleForRadicals
Thosewhoaremostmoralarefarthestfromtheproblem.
Allen'sAxiom
Whenallelsefails,followinstructions.
Allen'sBiblicalDistinction(Allen'sDistinction)
Thelionandthelambshallliedowntogether,butthelambwon'tgetmuchsleep.
Allen'sLaw
Almostanythingiseasiertogetintothanoutof.
Allen'sLawofCivilization
Itisbetterforcivilizationtobegoingdownthedrainthantobecomingupit.
Alley'sAxiom
Justicealwaysprevails...threetimesoutofseven.
AlligatorAllegory
Theobjectiveofalldedicatedproductsupportemployeesshouldbetothoroughly
analyzeallsituations,anticipateallproblemspriortotheiroccurrence,haveanswers
fortheseproblems,andmoveswiftlytosolvetheseproblemswhencalledupon.
However,whenyouareuptoyourassinalligators,itisdifficulttoremindyourself
thatyourinitialobjectivewastodraintheswamp.
AlligatorPrinciple
Whenyouareuptoyourassinalligators,itisdifficulttoremindyourselfthatyour
initialobjectivewastodraintheswamp.

Allison'sPrecept
Thebestsimplemindedtestofexpertiseinaparticularareaistheabilitytowin
moneyinaseriesofbetsonfutureoccurrencesinthatarea.
LawofAmbition
Atanyonetime,thousandsofboroughcouncilmen,schoolboardmembers,
attorneys,andbusinessmenaswellascongressmen,senators,andgovernors
aredreamingoftheWhiteHouse,butfew,ifanyofthem,willmakeit.
Anderson'sLaw
Anysystemorproblem,howevercomplicated,iflookedatinexactlytherightway,
willbecomeevenmorecomplicated.
Andrew'sCanoeingPostulate
Nomatterwhichdirectionyoustart,it'salwaysagainstthewindcomingback.
LawofAnnoyance
Whenworkingonaproject,ifyouputawayatoolthatyou'recertainyou'refinished
with,youwillneeditinstantly.
Anthony'sLawofForce
Don'tforceit,getalargerhammer.
Anthony'sLawoftheWorkshop
Anytool,whendropped,willrollintotheleastaccessiblecorneroftheworkshop.
CorollaryOnthewaytothecorner,anydroppedtoolwillfirstandalwaysstrike
yourtoes.
ApprovalSeeker'sLaw
Thosewhoseapprovalyouseekthemostgiveyoutheleast.
TheAquinasAxiom
Whatthegodsgetawaywith,thecowsdon't.
TheArithmeticofCooperation
Whenyou'readdingupcommitteesthere'sausefulruleofthumb:thattalentsmake
adifference,andfolliesmakeasum.
ArmyAxiom
Anyorderthatcanbemisunderstoodhasbeenmisunderstood.
ArmyLaw
Ifitmoves,saluteitifitdoesn'tmove,pickitupifyoucan'tpickitup,paintit.
Arnold'sFirstLawofDocumentation
Ifitshouldexist,itdoesn't.
Arnold'sSecondLawofDocumentation
Ifitdoesexist,it'soutofdate.
Arnold'sThirdLawofDocumentation
Onlyuselessdocumentationtranscendsthefirsttwolaws.

Ashleigh'sFirstLaw
Ifyoucan'tlearntodoitwell,youshouldlearntoenjoydoingitbadly.
AshleyPerryStatisticalAxioms
1. Numbersaretools,notrules.
2. Numbersaresymbolsforthingsthenumberandthethingarenotthesame.
3. Skillinmanipulatingnumbersisatalent,notevidenceofdivineguidance.
4. Likeotherocculttechniquesofdivination,thestatisticalmethodhasaprivatejargon
deliberatelycontrivedtoobscureitsmethodsfromnonpractitioners.
5. Theproductofanarithmeticalcomputationistheanswertoanequationitisnotthe
solutiontoaproblem.
6. Arithmeticalproofsoftheoremsthatdonothavearithmeticalbasesprovenothing.
LawofAssembly
Interchangeablepartswon't.
AstrologyLaw
It'salwaysthewrongtimeofthemonth.
Atlas'sLawsofMedicalResearch
Successfulresearchattractsthebiggergrantwhichmakesfurtherresearch
impossible.
Theprogressofsciencevariesinverselywiththenumberofjournalspublished.
Attila'sInstruction
Alwaysremembertopillagebeforeyouburn.
AttorneysOperatingPrinciple
Anysimpleideamustbewordedinthemostcomplicatedway.
AtwoodsCorollary
Nobooksarelostbylendingexceptthoseyouparticularlywantedtokeep.
LawofAttraction
Powerattractspeoplebutitcannotholdthem.
Avery'sObservation
Itdoesnotmatterifyoufalldownaslongasyoupickupsomethingfromthefloor
whileyougetup.
Avery'sRuleofThree
Troublestrikesinseriesofthrees,butwhenworkingaroundthehousethenextjob
afteraseriesofthreeisnotthefourthjobit'sthestartofabrandnewseriesof
three.
AvianLaw
Abirdinthehandissaferthanoneoverhead.
AxiomofPromotions
Whatgetsyoupromotedononelevelwillgetyoufiredonanother.
AxiomofthePipe.(Trischmann'sParadox)
Apipegivesawisemantimetothinkandafoolsomethingtostickinhismouth.

B
Babcock'sLaw
Ifitcanbeborrowedanditcanbebroken,youwillborrowitandyouwillbreakit.
Baer'sQuartet
What'sgoodpoliticsisbadeconomicswhat'sbadpoliticsisgoodeconomics
what'sgoodeconomicsisbadpoliticswhat'sbadeconomicsisgoodpolitics.
Bagdikian'sLawofEditor'sSpeeches
Thesplendorofaneditor'sspeechandthesplendorofhisnewspaperareinversely
relatedtothedistancebetweenthecityinwhichhemakeshisspeechandthecity
inwhichhepublisheshispaper.
Baker'sByroad
Whenyouareoverthehill,youpickupspeed.
Baker'sLaw
Miserynolongerlovescompany.Nowadaysitinsistsonit.
Baldy'sLaw
Someofitplustherestofitisallofit.
TheBananaPrinciple
Ifyoubuybananasoravocadosbeforetheyareripe,therewon'tbeanyleftbythe
timetheyareripe.Ifyoubuythemripe,theyrotbeforetheyareeaten.
BankersAxiom
Inordertogetaloanyoumustfirstproveyoudon'tneedit.
BankersLament
Nothingintheknownuniversetravelsfasterthanabadcheck
LawofBanks
Theotherlinealwaysmovesfaster.Inordertogetaloanyoumustfirstprovethat
youdon'tneedit.
Barber'sLawsofBackpacking
1. Theintegralofthegravitationalpotentialtakenaroundanylooptrailyouchooseto
hikealwayscomesoutpositive.
2. Anystoneinyourbootalwaysmigratesagainstthepressuregradienttoexactlythe
pointofmostpressure.
3. Theweightofyourpackincreasesindirectproportiontotheamountoffoodyou
consumefromit.Ifyourunoutoffood,thepackweightgoesonincreasinganyway.
4. Thenumberofstonesinyourbootisdirectlyproportionaltothenumberofhours
youhavebeenonthetrail.
5. Thedifficultyoffindinganygiventrailmarkerisdirectlyproportionaltothe
importanceoftheconsequencesoffailingtofindit.
6. Thesizeofeachofthestonesinyourbootisdirectlyproportionaltothenumberof
hoursyouhavebeenonthetrail.

7. Theremainingdistancetoyourchosencampsiteremainsconstantastwilight
approaches.
8. Thenetweightofyourbootsisproportionaltothecubeofthenumberofhoursyou
havebeenonthetrail.
9. Whenyouarriveatyourchosencampsite,itisfull.
10. Ifyoutakeyourbootsoff,you'llnevergetthembackonagain.
11. Thelocaldensityofmosquitosisinverselyproportionaltoyourremainingrepellent.
Barr'sCommentonDomesticTranquillity
Onabeautifuldaylikethisit'shardtobelieveanyonecanbeunhappybutwe'll
workonit.
Barrett'sLawsofDriving
1. YoucangetANYWHEREintenminutesifyougofastenough.
2. Speedbumpsareofnegligibleeffectwhenthevehicleexceedstriplethedesired
restrainingspeed.
3. Thevehicleinfrontofyouistravelingslowerthanyouare.
4. Thislaneendsin500feet.
Barth'sDistinction(Benchley'sLawofDistinction)
Therearetwoclassesofpeople:thosewhodividepeopleintotwoclasses,and
thosewhodon't.
Bartz'sLawofHokeyHorsepuckery
Themoreridiculousabeliefsystem,thehighertheprobabilityofitssuccess.
Baruch'sObservation
Ifallyouhaveisahammer,everyproblemlookslikeanail.
Baruch'sRuleforDeterminingOldAge
OldageisalwaysfifteenyearsolderthanIam.
Barzun'sLawsofLearning
1. Thesimplebutdifficultartsofpayingattention,copyingaccurately,followingan
argument,detectinganambiguityorafalseinference,testingguessesby
summoningupcontraryinstances,organizingone'stimeandone'sthoughtforstudy
alltheseartscannotbetaughtintheairbutonlythroughthedifficultiesofa
definedsubject.Theycannotbetaughtinonecourseoroneyear,butmustbe
acquiredgraduallyindozensofconnections.
2. Theanalogytoathleticsmustbepresseduntilallrecognizethatintheexerciseof
Intellectthosewholackthemuscles,coordination,andwillpowercanclaimno
placeatthetrainingtable,letaloneontheplayingfield.
Forthoffer'sCynicalSummaryofBarzun'sLaws
1. Thatwhichhasnotyetbeentaughtdirectlycanneverbetaughtdirectly.
2. Ifatfirstyoudon'tsucceed,youwillneversucceed.
BasicBaggagePrinciple
Whichevercarouselyoustandnear,yourbaggagewillarriveonanotherone.
LawofBasicMoneyDynamics
Asurprisemonetarywindfallwillbeaccompaniedbyanunexpectedexpenseofthe

sameamount.
Baxter'sFirstLaw(Baxter'sFreeMarketLaws)
Governmentinterventioninthefreemarketalwaysleadstoalowernational
standardofliving.
Baxter'sSecondLaw
Theadoptionoffractionalgoldreservesinacurrencysystemalwaysleadsto
depreciation,devaluation,demonetizationand,ultimately,tocompletedestructionof
thatcurrency.
Baxter'sThirdLaw
Inafreemarketgoodmoneyalwaysdrivesbadmoneyoutofcirculation.
Beard'saddendumtointerstatetravel
Thepalatabilityindexofanyfoodisinverselyproportionaltothedistanceand
numberoftimestherestaurantadvertisespriortothedesignatedstop.
Beardsley'sWarningtoLawyers
Bewareofandeschewpompousprolixity.
Beauregard'sFirstLaw
Whenyou'reuptoyournoseinit,keepyourmouthshut.
Beauregard'sSecondLaw
Allpeoplearecrematedequal.
Becker'sLaw
Itismuchhardertofindajobthantokeepone.
Beckhap'sLaw
Beautytimesbrainsequalsaconstant.
Beifeld'sPrinciple
Theprobabilityofayoungmanmeetingadesirableandreceptiveyoungfemale
increasesbypyramidalprogressionwhenheisalreadyinthecompanyof(1)a
date,(2)hiswife,and(3)abetterlookingandrichermalefriend.
Belle'sConstant
Theratiooftimeinvolvedinworktotimeavailableforworkisusuallyabout0.6.
Benchley'sDistinction
Therearetwotypesofpeople:thosewhodividepeopleintotwotypes,andthose
whodon't.
Benchley'sLaw
Anyonecandoanyamountofwork,provideditisn'ttheworkheissupposedtobe
doingatthatmoment.
Berkeley'sLaws
1. Theworldismorecomplicatedthanmostofourtheoriesmakeitouttobe.
2. Ignoranceisnoexcuse.
3. Neverdecidetobuysomethingwhilelisteningtothesalesman.
4. Informationwhichistruemeetsagreatmanydifferenttestsverywell.

5. Mostproblemshaveeithermanyanswersornoanswer.Onlyafewproblemshave
asingleanswer.
6. Ananswermaybewrong,right,both,orneither.Mostanswersarepartlyrightand
partlywrong.
7. Achainofreasoningisnostrongerthanitsweakestlink.
8. Astatementmaybetrueindependentlyofillogicalreasoning.
9. Mostgeneralstatementsarefalse,includingthisone.
10. AnexceptionTESTSaruleitNEVERPROVESit.
11. Themomentyouhaveworkedoutananswer,startcheckingititprobablyisn't
right.
12. Ifthereisanopportunitytomakeamistake,soonerorlaterthemistakewillbe
made.
13. Beingsuremistakeswilloccurisagoodframeofmindforcatchingthem.
14. Checktheansweryouhaveworkedoutoncemorebeforeyoutellittoanybody.
15. Estimatingafiguremaybeenoughtocatchanerror.
16. Figurescalculatedinarushareveryhottheyshouldbeallowedtocooloffalittle
beforebeingusedthuswewillhaveareasonabletimetothinkaboutthefigures
andcatchmistakes.
17. Agreatmanyproblemsdonothaveaccurateanswers,butdohaveapproximate
answers,fromwhichsensibledecisionscanbemade.
Bernstein'sFirstLaw
Butteredbreadtendstofallwiththebutteredsidedown.
Bernstein'sSecondLaw
Afallingbodyalwaysrollstothemostinaccessiblespot.
Berra'sLaw
Youcanobservealotjustbywatching.
Berson'sCorollaryofInverseDistances
Thefartherawayfromtheentrancethatyouhavetopark,thecloserthespace
vacatedbythecarthatpullsawayasyouwalkuptothedoor.
BicycleLaw
Allbicyclesweigh50pounds:
A30poundbicycleneedsa20poundlockandchain.
A40poundbicycleneedsa10poundlockandchain.
A50poundbicycleneedsnolockorchain.
FirstLawofBicycling
Nomatterwhichwayyouride,it'suphillandagainstthewind.
TheBillingsPhenomenon
Theconclusionsofmostgoodoperationsresearchstudiesareobvious.
Billings'sLaw
Livewithinyourincome,evenifyouhavetoborrowtodoso.
Blanchard'sNewspaperObituaryLaw
Ifyouwantyournamespelledwrong,die.

Blauw'sLaw
Establishedtechnologytendstopersistinspiteofnewtechnology.
LawofBlissfulIgnorance
Whatyoudon'tknowwillalwayshurtyou.
Bok'sLaw
Ifyouthinkeducationisexpensivetryignorance.
Boling'sPostulate
Ifyou'refeelinggood,don'tworry.You'llgetoverit.
Bolton'sLawofAscendingBudgets
Undercurrentpractices,bothexpendituresandrevenuesrisetomeeteachother,
nomatterwhichonemaybeinexcess.
Bombeck'sRuleofMedicine
Nevergotoadoctorwhoseofficeplantshavedied.
Bonafede'sRevelation
Theconventionalwisdomisthatpowerisanaphrodisiac.Intruth,it'sexhausting.
Boob'sLaw
Youalwaysfindsomethinginthelastplaceyoulook.
Booker'sLaw
Anounceofapplicationisworthatonofabstraction.
Boozer'sRevision
Abirdinthehandisdead.
Boren'sLawsoftheBureaucracy
1. Whenindoubt,mumble.
2. Whenintrouble,delegate.
3. Whenincharge,ponder.
Borkowski'sLaw
Youcan'tguardagainstthearbitrary.
Borstelmann'sRule
Ifeverythingseemstobecomingyourway,you'reprobablyinthewronglane.
Boston'sIrreversibleLawofClutter
Inanyhousehold,junkaccumulatestofillthespaceavailableforitsstorage.
Boultbee'sCriterion
Iftheconverseofastatementisabsurd,theoriginalstatementisaninsulttothe
intelligenceandshouldneverhavebeensaid.
Bove'sTheorem
Theremainingworktofinishinordertoreachyourgoalincreasesasthedeadline
approaches.

Boyle'sLaws
1. Thesuccessofanyventurewillbehelpedbyprayer,eveninthewrong
denomination.
2. Whenthingsaregoingwell,someonewillinevitablyexperimentdetrimentally.
3. Thedeficiencywillnevershowitselfduringthedryruns.
4. Informationtravelsmoresurelytothosewithalesserneedtoknow.
5. Anoriginalideacanneveremergefromcommitteeintheoriginal.
6. Whentheproductisdestinedtofail,thedeliverysystemwillperformperfectly.
7. Thecrucialmemorandumwillbesnaredintheoutbasketbythepaperclipofthe
overlyingcorrespondenceandgotofile.
8. Successcanbeinsuredonlybydevisingadefenseagainstfailureofthe
contingencyplan.
9. Performanceisdirectlyaffectedbytheperversityofinanimateobjects.
10. Ifnotcontrolled,workwillflowtothecompetentmanuntilhesubmerges.
11. Thelaggingactivityinaprojectwillinvariablybefoundintheareawherethehighest
overtimeratesliewaiting.
12. Talentinstaffworkorsaleswillrecurringlybeinterpretedasmanagerialability.
13. The"thinkpositive"leadertendstolistentohissubordinates'premonitionsonly
duringthepostmortems.
14. Clearlystatedinstructionswillconsistentlyproducemultipleinterpretations.
15. Onsuccessivechartsofthesameorganizationthenumberofboxeswillnever
decrease.
Boyle'sObservation
Awelfarestateisonethatassumesresponsibilityforthehealth,happiness,and
generalwell
beingofallitscitizensexceptthetaxpayers.
Boyle'sOtherLaw
ThefirstpullonthecordALWAYSsendsthedrapesinthewrongdirection.
Branch'sFirstLawofCrisis
Thespiritofpublicservicewillrise,andthebureaucracywillmultiplyitselfmuch
faster,intimeofgravenationalconcern.
FirstLawofBridge
It'salwaysthepartner'sfault.
Brien'sFirstLaw
Atsometimeinthelifecycleofvirtuallyeveryorganization,itsabilitytosucceedin
spiteofitselfrunsout.
Brigg'sLawofTraffic
Atanyleveloftraffic,anydelayisintolerable.
Brinks'sObservation
Noarmoredcarloadedwithbagsofmoneyeverturnedoverandspilleditsloadin
thestreet,inagoodneighborhood.
Broder'sLaw
Anybodythatwantsthepresidencysomuchthathe'llspendtwoyearsorganizing

andcampaigningforitisnottobetrustedwiththeoffice.
BrontosaurusPrinciple
Organizationscangrowfasterthantheirbrainscanmanagetheminrelationtotheir
environmentandtotheirownphysiologywhenthisoccurs,theyareanendangered
species.
Brook'sLaws
Ifatfirstyoudon'tsucceed,transformyourdataset.
Addingmanpowertolatesoftwaremakesitlater.
Brooks'FirstLaw
Addingmanpowertoalatesoftwareprojectmakesitlater.
Brooks'SecondLaw
Wheneverasystembecomescompletelydefined,someonediscoverssomething
whicheitherabolishesthesystemorexpandsitbeyondrecognition.
(Jerry)Brown'sLaw
ToooftenIfindthatthevolumeofpaperexpandstofilltheavailablebriefcases.
(Sam)Brown'sLaw
Neveroffendpeoplewithstylewhenyoucanoffendthemwithsubstance.
(Tony)Brown'sLawofBusinessSuccess
Ourcustomer'spaperworkisprofit.Ourownpaperworkisloss.
BrownianMotionRuleofBureaucracies
Itisimpossibletodistinguish,fromadistance,whetherthebureaucratsassociated
withyourprojectaresimplysittingontheirhands,orfranticallytryingtocovertheir
asses.
Heisenberg'sAddendumtoBrownianBureaucracy:Ifyouobserveabureaucrat
closelyenoughtomakethedistinctionabove,hewillreacttoyourobservationby
coveringhisass.
BruceBriggs'sLawofTraffic
Atanyleveloftraffic,anydelayisintolerable.
Bryson'sLawofRepairs
1. Anythingyoutrytofixwilltakelongerandcostmorethanyouthought.
2. Ifyoufoolaroundwithathingforverylongyouwillscrewitup.
Buchwald'sLaw
Astheeconomygetsbetter,everythingelsegetsworse.
Bucy'sLaw
Nothingiseveraccomplishedbyareasonableman.
TheBumperToBumperTheorem
Trafficcongestionincreasesinproportiontothelengthoftimethestreetis
supervisedbyatrafficcontrolofficer.

Bunuel'sLaw
Overdoingthingsisharmfulinallcases,evenwhenitcomestoefficiency.
LawofBureaucracy
Whenaproblemgoesaway,thepeopleworkingtosolveitdonot.
BureaucraticCopOut#1
Youshouldhaveseenitwhen*I*gotit.
Burns'sBalance
Iftheassumptionsarewrong,theconclusionsaren'tlikelytobeverygood.
BusTransportationLaws
1. Thebusthatleftthestopjustbeforeyougotthereisyourbus.
2. Theamountoftimeyouhavetowaitforabusisdirectlyproportionaltothe
inclemencyoftheweather.
3. Allbusesheadingintheoppositedirectiondriveoffthefaceoftheearthandnever
return.
4. Thelastrushhourexpressbustoyourneighborhoodleavesfiveminutesbeforeyou
getoffwork.
5. Busschedulesarearrangedsoyourbuswillarriveatthetransferpointprecisely
oneminuteaftertheconnectingbushasleft.
6. Anybusthatcanbethewrongbuswillbethewrongbus.Allothersareoutof
serviceorfull.
BusinessMaxims
1. Nomatterhowlowyoubidthejobthereisalwaysanidiotouttherewillingtodoit
forless.
2. Themoreyoucutyourpricetogetbusiness,themorelikelyyouaretogooutof
business.
3. Themoreyoutrytocompeteonapricebasistheloweryourpriceswillgo.
Corollary:Yourincomewillfollow.
4. Thebiggeryouryellowpagesad,themorelowpricedcallsfromnonrepeat
customersyouwillget.
5. Increasingyouradsizeincreasesthepercentageoflowprofitcallsyouget.
6. Theprizeforbeatingoutallofyourcompetitorsforthebiggestmostexpensiveadin
allofthedifferentyellowpagesbooksisbankruptcy.
7. Themoreyouadvertisethatyouhave24hourservice,themoresecurityguards
andinsomniacswillcallyouinthemiddleofthenightwithrequestsforprice
quotations.
8. Advertiseasa24hourserviceandyouwillgetangrycallsfrompeoplewhostopped
byyourshopatfourinthemorningandyouweren'tthere.
9. Yourbestapprenticewillquitandopenashopacrossthestreetandcutyourprices.
10. Theonewhoisuntrainablewillstaywithyouforever.
Bustlin'Billy'sBogusBeliefs
1. Theorganizationofanyprogramreflectstheorganizationofthepeoplewhodevelop
it.
2. Thereisnosuchthingasa"dirtycapitalist",onlyacapitalist.
3. Anythingispossible,butnothingiseasy.
4. Capitalismcanexistinoneofonlytwostateswelfareorwarfare.

5.
6.
7.
8.
9.

I'drathergowhoringthanwarring.
Historyprovesnothing.
Thereisnothingsounbecomingonthebeachasawetkilt.
Alittlehumilityisarrogance.
Alotofwhatappearstobeprogressisjustsomuchtechnologicalrococo.

Butler'sLawofProgress
Allprogressisbasedonauniversalinnatedesireonthepartofeveryorganismto
livebeyonditsincome.
Bye'sFirstLawofModelRailroading
Anytimeyouwishtodemonstratesomething,thenumberoffaultsisproportionalto
thenumberofviewers.
Bye'sSecondLawofModelRailroading
Thedesireformodelingaprototypeisinverselyproportionaltothedeclineofthe
prototype.

C
CafeteriaLaw
Theitemyouhadyoureyeontheminuteyouwalkedinwillbetakenbytheperson
infrontofyou.
Cahn'sAxiom(Allen'sAxiom)
Whenallelsefails,readtheinstructions.
Calkin'sLawofMenuLanguage
Thenumberofadjectivesandverbsthatareaddedtothedescriptionofamenu
itemisininverseproportiontothequalityoftheresultingdish.
Camp'sLaw
Acoupthatisknowninadvanceisacoupthatdoesnottakeplace.
Campbell'sLaw
Natureabhorsavacuousexperimenter.
CanadaBillJones'sMotto
It'smorallywrongtoallowsuckerstokeeptheirmoney.
CanadaBillJones'sSupplement
ASmithandWessonbeatsfouraces.
Cannon'sCogentComment
Theleakintheroofisneverinthesamelocationasthedrip.
Cannon'sComment
Ifyoutellthebossyouwerelateforworkbecauseyouhadaflattire,thenext
morningyouwillhaveaflattire.

CaptainPenny'sLaw
Youcanfoolallofthepeoplesomeofthetime,andsomeofthepeopleallofthe
time,butyoucan'tfoolMOM.
TheCardinalConundrum
Anoptimistbelievesthatweliveinthebestofallpossibleworlds.Apessimistfears
thatthisistrue.
CarpentersLaw
Ifyouhaveonlyonenail,itwillbend.
Carson'sLaw
It'sbettertoberichandhealthythanpoorandsick.
CartoonLaws
1. Anybodysuspendedinspacewillremaininspaceuntilmadeawareofitssituation.
DaffyDuckstepsoffacliff,expectingfurtherpastureland.Heloitersinmidair,
soliloquizingflippantly,untilhechancestolookdown.Atthispoint,thefamiliar
principleof32feetpersecondpersecondtakesover.
2. Anybodyinmotionwilltendtoremaininmotionuntilsolidmatterintervenes
suddenly.Whethershotfromacannonorinhotpursuitonfoot,cartooncharacters
aresoabsoluteintheirmomentumthatonlyatelephonepoleoranoutsizeboulder
retardstheirforwardmotionabsolutely.SirIsaacNewtoncalledthissudden
terminationofmotionthestooge'ssurcease.
3. Anybodypassingthroughsolidmatterwillleaveaperforationconformingtoits
perimeter.Alsocalledthesilhouetteofpassage,thisphenomenonisthespeciality
ofvictimsofdirectedpressureexplosionsandofrecklesscowardswhoareso
eagertoescapethattheyexitdirectlythroughthewallofahouse,leavingacookie
cutoutperfecthole.Thethreatofskunksormatrimonyoftencatalyzesthisreaction.
4. Thetimerequiredforanobjecttofalltwentystoriesisgreaterthanorequaltothe
timeittakesforwhoeverknockeditofftheledgetospiraldowntwentyflightsto
attempttocaptureitunbroken.Suchanobjectisinevitablypriceless,theattemptto
captureitinevitablyunsuccessful.
5. Allprinciplesofgravityarenegatedbyfear.Psychicforcesaresufficientinmost
bodiesforashocktopropelthemdirectlyawayfromtheearth'ssurface.Aspooky
noiseoranadversary'ssignaturesoundwillinducemotionupward,usuallytothe
cradleofachandelier,atreetop,orthecrestofaflagpole.Thefeetofacharacter
whoisrunningorthewheelsofaspeedingautoneednevertouchtheground,
especiallywheninflight.
6. Asspeedincreases,objectscanbeinseveralplacesatonce.Thisisparticularly
trueoftoothandclawfights,inwhichacharacter'sheadmaybeglimpsedemerging
fromthecloudofaltercationatseveralplacessimultaneously.Thiseffectiscommon
aswellamongbodiesthatarespinningorbeingthrottled.A'wacky'characterhas
theoptionofselfreplicationonlyatmanichighspeedsandmayricochetoffwallsto
achievethevelocityrequired.
7. Certainbodiescanpassthroughsolidwallspaintedtoresembletunnelentrances
otherscannot.Thistrompel'oeilinconsistencyhasbaffledgeneration,butatleastit
isknownthatwhoeverpaintsanentranceonawall'ssurfacetotrickanopponent
willbeunabletopursuehimintothistheoreticalspace.Thepainterisflattened
againstthewallwhenheattemptstofollowintothepainting.Thisisultimatelya
problemofart,notofscience.

8. Anyviolentrearrangementoffelinematterisimpermanent.Cartooncatspossess
evenmoredeathsthanthetraditionalninelivesmightcomfortablyafford.Theycan
bedecimated,spliced,splayed,accordionpleated,spindled,ordisassembled,but
theycannotbedestroyed.Afterafewmomentsofblinkingselfpity,theyreinflate,
elongate,snapback,orsolidify.
CorollaryAcatwillassumetheshapeofitscontainer.
9. Foreveryvengeancethereisanequalandoppositerevengeance.Thisistheone
lawofanimatedcartoonmotionthatalsoappliestothephysicalworldatlarge.For
thatreason,weneedthereliefofwatchingithappentoaduckinstead.
10. Everythingfallsfasterthanananvil.Examplestoonumeroustomentionfromthe
Roadrunnercartoons.
Cavanaugh'sPostulate
Allkookiesarenotinajar.
Cayo'sLaw
Theonlythingsthatstartontimearethosethatyou'relatefor.
ChappaquidickTheorem
Thesoonerandinmoredetailyouannouncethebadnews,thebetter.
LawofCharacterandAppearance
Peopledon'tchangetheyonlybecomemoreso.
Chase'sContentions
1. Theexplanationrequiringthefewestassumptionsisthemostlikelytobecorrect.
2. Whenevertwohypothesescoverthefacts,usethesimplerofthetwo.
3. Cutthecrap.Agoodplantodayisbetterthanaperfectplantomorrow.
Chase'sObservationsofHumanBelief
1. ThemostpreposterousnotionthatHomoSapienshaseverdreamedupisthatthere
isaLordGodofCreation.
2. ThatthisGodistheshaperandrulerofalltheuniverse.
3. ThatthisGodlivesupinthesky.
4. ThatthisGodwantsthesaccharineadorationofhiscreaturesandcanbeswayed
bytheirprayers.
5. ThatthisGodbecomespetulantifHedoesnotreceivethisflattery
ConclusionThisabsurdfantasy,withoutashredofevidencetobolsterit,paysall
theexpensesoftheoldest,largest,andleastproductiveindustryinallhistory.
Chase'sRuleForSuccess
Trustonlythosewhostandtoloseasmuchasyouwhenthingsgowrong.
ChasesLawsofCarRepairs
1. Leakproofsealswill.
2. Selfstarterswon't.
3. Interchangeablepartswon't.
4. Anytooldroppedwhilerepairingacarwillrollunderneathtotheexactcenter.
5. Afteryouhaverepairedityourselfyouwillhaveonesmallpartleftoverthatdoesn't
goanywhere.
6. Everyautomobilecomeswithabuildinabysswhichthingsthatyouhavedropped

fallinto,nevertobeseenagain.
CheckbookBalancer'sLaw
Inmattersofdispute,thebank'sbalanceisalwayssmallerthanyours.
Cheops'sLaw
Nothingevergetsbuiltonscheduleorwithinbudget.
Chesterton'sObservation
Ihaveseenthetruthanditmakesnosense.
ChiliCook'sSecret
Ifyournextpotofchilitastesbetter,itprobablyisbecauseofsomethingleftout,
ratherthanadded.
Chisholm'sFirstLawandCorollary
seeMurphy'sThirdandFifthLaws.
Chisholm'sSecondLaw
Whenthingsaregoingwell,somethingwillgowrong.
Corollaries:
1. Whenthingsjustcan'tgetanyworse,theywill.
2. Anytimethingsappeartobegoingbetter,youhaveoverlookedsomething.
Chisholm'sThirdLaw
Proposals,asunderstoodbytheproposer,willbejudgedotherwisebyothers.
Corollaries:
1. Ifyouexplainsoclearlythatnobodycanmisunderstand,somebodywill.
2. Ifyoudosomethingwhichyouaresurewillmeetwitheveryone'sapproval,
somebodywon'tlikeit.
3. Proceduresdevisedtoimplementthepurposewon'tquitework.
4. Nomatterhowlongorhowmanytimesyouexplain,nooneislistening.
Churchill'sCommentaryonMan
Manwilloccasionallystumbleoverthetruth,butmostofthetimehewillpickhimself
upandcontinueonasthoughnothinghashappened.
Ciardi'sPoetryLaw
Wheneverintime,andwhereverintheuniverse,anymanspeaksorwritesinany
detailaboutthetechnicalmanagementofapoem,theresultingirascibilityofthe
reader'sresponseisaconstant.
Cirino'sLawofBurntFingers
Hotglasslooksthesameascoldglass.
Clark'sFirstLawofRelativity
Nomatterhowoftenyoutradedinnerorotherinvitationswithinlaws,youwilllosea
smallfortuneintheexchange.
CorollaryDon'ttryit:youcannotdrinkenoughofyourinlaws'boozetogeteven
beforeyourliverfails.
Clark'sLaw
It'salwaysdarkestjustbeforethelightsgoout.

Clarke'sFirstLaw
Whenadistinguishedbutelderlyscientiststatesthatsomethingispossible,heis
almostcertainlyright.Whenhestatesthatsomethingisimpossible,heisvery
probablywrong.
Corollary(Asimov)Whenthelaypublicralliesroundanideathatisdenounced
bydistinguishedbutelderlyscientists,andsupportsthatideawithgreatfervorand
emotionthedistinguishedbutelderlyscientistsarethen,afterall,right.
Clarke'sSecondLaw
Thelimitsofthepossiblecanonlybedefinedbygoingbeyondthemintothe
impossible.
Clarke'sThirdLaw
Anysufficientlyadvancedtechnologyisindistinguishablefrommagic.
Clarke'sLawofRevolutionaryIdeas
EveryrevolutionaryideainScience,Politics,ArtorWhateverevokesthree
stagesofreaction.Theymaybesummedupbythethreephrases:
1. "Itiscompletelyimpossibledon'twastemytime."
2. "Itispossible,butitisnotworthdoing."
3. "Isaiditwasagoodideaallalong."
Cleveland'sHighwayLaw
Highwaysintheworstneedofrepairnaturallyhavelowtrafficcounts,whichresults
inlowpriorityforrepairwork.
Clopton'sLaw
Foreverycredibilitygapthereisagullibilityfill.
Clyde'sLaw
Ifyouhavesomethingtodo,andputitofflongenough,chancesarethatsomeone
elsewilldoitforyou.
Cohen'sLaw
Whatreallymattersisthenameyousucceedinimposingonthefactsnotthe
factsthemselves.
Cohen'sLawsofPolitics
LawofAlienation
Nothingcansoalienateavoterfromthepoliticalsystemasbackingawinning
candidate.
LawofAmbition
Atanyonetime,thousandsofboroughcouncilmen,schoolboardmembers,
attorneys,andbusinessmenaswellascongressmen,senators,andgovernors
aredreamingoftheWhiteHouse,butfew,ifanyofthem,willmakeit.
LawofAttraction
Powerattractspeoplebutitcannotholdthem.
LawofCompetition
Themorequalifiedcandidateswhoareavailable,themorelikelythecompromise
willbeonthecandidatewhosemainqualificationisanonthreateningincompetence.
LawofInsideDope
Therearemanyinsidedopesinpoliticsandgovernment.
LawofLawmaking

Thosewhoexpressrandomthoughtstolegislativecommitteesareoftensurprised
andappalledtofindthemselvestheinstigatorsoflaw.
LawofPermanence
Politicalpowerisaspermanentastoday'snewspaper.Tenyearsfromnow,fewwill
knoworcarewhothemostpowerfulmaninanystatewastoday.
LawofSecrecy
Thebestwaytopublicizeagovernmentalorpoliticalactionistoattempttohideit.
LawofWealth
Victorygoestothecandidatewiththemostaccumulatedorcontributedwealthwho
hasthefinancialresourcestoconvincethemiddleclassandpoorthathewillbeon
theirside.
LawofWisdom
Wisdomisconsideredasignofweaknessbythepowerfulbecauseawisemancan
leadwithoutpowerbutonlyapowerfulmancanleadwithoutwisdom.
Cohn'sLaw
Themoretimeyouspendinreportingonwhatyouaredoing,thelesstimeyouhave
todoanything.Stabilityisachievedwhenyouspendallyourtimedoingnothingbut
reportingonthenothingyouaredoing.
Cole'sAxiom
Thesumoftheintelligenceontheplanetisaconstantthepopulationisgrowing.
Cole'sLaw
Thinlyslicedcabbage.
Colson'sLaw
Whenyou'vegotthembytheballs,theirheartsandmindswillfollow.
Comin'sLaw
PeoplewillacceptyourideamuchmorereadilyifyoutellthemBenjaminFranklin
saiditfirst.
CommitteeLaw
1. Acommitteeistheonlylifeformwith12stomachsandnobrain.
2. Acamelisahorsewhichwasdesignedbyacommittee
3. Ifmorethanonepersonisresponsibleforamiscalculation,noonewillbeatfault.
4. Acommitteeistwelvepeopledoingtheworkofone.
CommitteeRules
1. Neverarriveontime,oryouwillbestampedabeginner.
2. Don'tsayanythinguntilthemeetingishalfoverthisstampsyouasbeingwise.
3. Beasvagueaspossiblethispreventsirritatingtheothers.
4. Whenindoubt,suggestthatasubcommitteebeappointed.
5. Bethefirsttomoveforadjournmentthiswillmakeyoupopularit'swhateveryone
iswaitingfor.
Commoner'sThreeLawsofEcology
1. Noactioniswithoutsideeffects.
2. Nothingevergoesaway.
3. Thereisnofreelunch.

CompensationCorollary
Theexperimentmaybeconsideredasuccessifnomorethan50%oftheobserved
measurmentsmustbediscardedtoobtainacorrespondencewiththeory.
LawofCompetition
Themorequalifiedcandidateswhoareavailable,themorelikelythecompromise
willbeonthecandidatewhosemainqualificationisanonthreateningincompetence.
LawofComputability
Anysystemorprogram,howevercomplicated,iflookedatinexactlytherightway,
willbecomeevenmorecomplicated.
LawofComputabilityAppliedtoSocialScience(Brook'sLaw)
Ifatfirstyoudon'tsucceed,transformyourdataset.
ConferencePrinciple
Thespeakerwiththemostmonotonousvoicespeaksafterthebigmeal.
Connolly'sLawofCostControl
Thepriceofanyproductproducedforagovernmentagencywillbenotlessthanthe
squareoftheinitialFirmFixedPriceContract.
Connolly'sRuleforPoliticalIncumbents
Shorttermsuccesswithvotersonanysideofagivenissuecanbeguaranteedby
creatingalongtermspecialstudycommissionmadeupofatleastthreedivergent
interestgroups.
Conrad'sConundrum(Stentson'sLaw)
Technologiedon'ttransfer.
Considine'sLaw
Wheneveronewordorlettercanchangetheentiremeaningofasentence,the
probabilityofanerrorbeingmadewillbeindirectproportiontotheembarrassment
itwillcause.
ConsultationLaw
Thejobthatpaysthemostwillbeofferedwhenthereisnotimetodeliverthe
services.
LawofConsumerEconomics
Iftheshoefits,it'sugly.Ifit'sgood,theydiscontinueit.
Conway'sLaw
Ineveryorganizationtherewillalwaysbeonepersonwhoknowswhatisgoingon.
Thispersonmustbefired.
Conway'sLaw#1
IfyouassignNpersonstowriteacompileryou'llgetaN1passcompiler.
Conway'sLaw#2
Ineveryorganizationtherewillalwaysbeonepersonwhoknowswhatisgoingon.
Thispersonmustbefired.

Cook'sLaw
Muchwork,muchfoodlittlework,littlefoodnowork,burialatsea.
Cook'sLawsofTravel
1. Whenpackingforavacation,takehalfasmuchclothingandtwiceasmuchmoney.
2. Nothingcanbedoneinonetrip.
3. Ifyouhavethetime,youwon'thavethemoney.Ifyouhavethemoneyyouwon't
havethetime.
Cooke'sLaw
Inanydecisivesituation,theamountofrelevantinformationavailableisinversely
proportionaltotheimportanceofthedecision.
Coolidge'sImmutableObservation
Whenmoreandmorepeoplearethrownoutofwork,unemploymentresults.
Cooper'sLaw
Allmachinesareamplifiers.
Cooper'sMetalaw
Aproliferationofnewlawscreatesaproliferationofnewloopholes.
Corcoroni'sLawsofBusTransportation
1. Thebusthatleftthestopjustbeforeyougotthereisyourbus.
2. Theamountoftimeyouhavetowaitforabusisdirectlyproportionaltothe
inclemencyoftheweather.
3. Allbusesheadingintheoppositedirectiondriveoffthefaceoftheearthandnever
return.
4. Thelastrushhourexpressbustoyourneighborhoodleavesfiveminutesbeforeyou
getoffwork.
5. Busschedulesarearrangedsoyourbuswillarriveatthetransferpointprecisely
oneminuteaftertheconnectingbushasleft.
6. Anybusthatcanbethewrongbuswillbethewrongbus.Allothersareoutof
serviceorfull.
Cornuelle'sLaw
Authoritytendstoassignjobstothoseleastabletodothem.
LawofCorrectibility
Nomatterhowwellyouperformyourjob,asuperiorwillseektomodifytheresults.
Corry'sLaw
Paperisalwaysstrongestattheperforations.
Cosmetologist'sPrinciple
Wheneveryouneedtostopatalighttoputonmakeup,everylightwillbegreen.
Courtois'sRule
Ifpeoplelistenedtothemselvesmoreoften,they'dtalkless.
Crane'sLaw(Friedman'sReiteration)
Thereain'tnosuchthingasafreelunch.("tanstaafl")

Crane'sRule
Therearethreewaystogetsomethingdone:doityourself,hiresomeone,orforbid
yourkidstodoit.
Cripp'sLaw
Whentravelingwithchildrenonone'sholidays,atleastonechildofanynumberof
childrenwillrequestarestroomstopexactlyhalfwaybetweenanytwogivenrest
areas.
Cropp'sLaw
Theamountofworkdonevariesinverselywiththeamountoftimespentinthe
office.
Culshaw'sFirstPrincipleofRecordedSound
Anything,nomatterhowbad,willsoundgoodifplayedbackataveryhighlevelfor
ashorttime.
CutlerWebster'sLaw
Therearetwosidestoeveryargumentunlessamanispersonallyinvolved,inwhich
casethereisonlyone.
LawofCyberneticEntomology
There'salwaysonemorebug.
Czecinski'sConclusion
Thereisonlyonethingworsethandreamingyouareataconferenceandwakingto
findthatyouareataconference,andthatistheconferencewhereyoucan'tfall
asleep.

D
Danforth'sRulesofRandomSelection
1. Neverbefirst
2. Neverbelast.
3. Nevervolunteerforanything.
Darrow'sObservation
Historyrepeatsitself.That'soneofthethingswrongwithhistory.
Darwin'sObservation
Naturewilltellyouadirectlieifshecan.
Dave'sLawofAdvice
Thosewiththebestadviceoffernoadvice.
Dave'sRuleofStreetSurvival
Speaksoftlyandownabig,meanDoberman.
Davidson'sMaxim
Democracyisthatformofgovernmentwhereeverybodygetswhatthemajority

deserves.
Davis'sBasicLawofMedicine
Pillstobetakenintwosalwayscomeoutofthebottleinthrees.
Dawson'sRulesofSuperiorInferiority
1. Don'tletyoursuperiorsknowthatyourarebetterthantheyare.
2. Youneverknowwho'srightbutyoualwaysknowwho'sincharge.
DeadlineDan'sDemoDemonstration
Thehigherthe``higherups''arewho'vecometoseeyourdemo,theloweryour
chancesareofgivingasuccessfulone.
Deadlock'sLaw
Ifthelawmakersmakeacompromise,theplacewhereitwillbefeltmostisthe
taxpayer'spocket.
CorollaryThecompromisewillalwaysbemoreexpensivethaneitherofthe
suggestionsitiscompromising.
DeanMartin'sDefinitionofDrunkenness
You'renotdrunkifyoucanlieonthefloorwithoutholdingon.
Dean'sLawoftheDistrictofColumbia
Washingtonisamuchbetterplaceifyouareaskingquestionsratherthan
answeringthem.
FirstLawofDebate
Neverarguewithafool.Peoplemightnotknowthedifference.
Decaprio'sRule
Everythingtakesmoretimeandmoney.
Deitz'sLawofEgo
Thefuryengenderedbythemisspellingofanameinacolumnisindirectratioto
theobscurityofthementionee.
Demian'sObservation
Thereisalwaysoneitemonthescreenmenuthatismislabeledandshouldread
"`AbandonallhopeYewhoenterhere".
Dennis'sPrinciplesofManagementbyCrisis
1. Togetactionoutofmanagement,itisnecessarytocreatetheillusionofacrisisin
thehopeitwillbeactedupon.
2. Managementwillselectactionsoreventsandconvertthemtocrises.Itwillthen
overreact.
3. Managementisincapableofrecognizingatruecrisis.
4. Thesqueakyhingegetstheoil.
Denniston'sLaw
Virtueisitsownpunishment.
FifthLawofDesign

Designflawstravelingroups.
Dhawan'sLawsfortheNonSmoker
1. Thecigarettesmokealwaysdriftsinthedirectionofthenonsmokerregardlessof
thedirectionofthebreeze.
2. Theamountofpleasurederivedfromacigaretteisdirectlyproportionaltothe
numberofnonsmokersinthevicinity.
3. Asmokerisalwaysattractedtothenonsmokingsection.
4. Thelifeofacigaretteisdirectlyproportionaltotheintensityoftheprotestsfromnon
smokers.
Dictum
Oneshouldalwaysprefertheprobableimpossibletotheimprobablepossible.
Dieter'sLaw
Foodthattastesthebesthasthehighestnumberofcalories.
Dijkstra'sPrescriptionforProgrammingInertia
Ifyoudon'tknowwhatyourprogramissupposedtodo,you'dbetternotstartwriting
it.
DinersDilemmas
1. Acleantieattractsthesoupoftheday.
2. Thehardnessofbutterisindirectproportiontothesoftnessoftheroll.
Dingle'sLaw
Whensomeonedropssomething,everybodywillkickitaroundinsteadofpickingit
up.
Diogenes'sFirstDictum
Themoreheavilyamanissupposedtobetaxed,themorepowerhehastoescape
beingtaxed.
Diogenes'sSecondDictum
Ifataxpayerthinkshecancheatsafely,heprobablywill.
Dirksen'sThreeLawsofPolitics
1. Getelected.
2. Getreelected.
3. Don'tgetmadgeteven.
TheFirstDiscoveryofChristmasMorning
Batteriesnotincluded.
TheFirstDiscoveryofChristmasAfternoon
GiveakidanewtoyDadwillplaywiththetoy,thekidwillplaywiththeboxitcame
in.
Doc'sLawsofAutomotiveRepair
1. Ifyoucanreachthefaultypart,youdon'thavethetooltogetitoff.
2. Qualityisinverselyproportionaltothetimelefttocompletethejob.
3. Ifitjamsforceit.Ifitbreaks,itneededreplacinganyhow.

LawofDoctoring
Itneverhealscorrectly.
DollyParton'sPrinciple
Thebiggertheyare,theharderitistoseeyourshoes.
Donohue'sLaw
Anythingworthdoingisworthdoingformoney.
Donsen'sLaw
Thespecialistlearnsmoreandmoreaboutlessandlessuntil,finally,heknows
everythingaboutnothingwhereasthegeneralistlearnslessandlessaboutmore
andmoreuntil,finally,heknowsnothingabouteverything.
Dooley'sLaw
Trusteverybody,butcutthecards.
Douglas'sLawofPracticalAeronauticaldesign
Whentheweightofthepaperworkequalstheweightoftheplane,theplanewillfly.
Douglas'sLawofPracticalAeronautics
Whentheweightofthepaperworkequalstheweightoftheplane,theplanewillfly.
Dow'sLaw
Inahierarchicalorganization,thehigherthelevel,thegreatertheconfusion.
FirstLawofDriving
Thereisnotrafficuntilyoustarttobackoutofyourdriveway.
LawofDrivingDynamics
Thespeedofanoncomingvehicleisdirectlyproportionaltothelengthofthe
passingzone.
Dror'sFirstLaw
Whilethedifficultiesanddangersofproblemstendtoincreaseatageometricrate,
theknowledgeandmanpowerqualifiedtodealwiththeseproblemstendtoincrease
linearly.
Dror'sSecondLaw
Whilehumancapacitiestoshapetheenvironment,society,andhumanbeingsare
rapidlyincreasing,policymakingcapabilitiestousethosecapacitiesremainthe
same.
Dryer'sLawofTiming
Ifyou'reearly,it'llbecanceled.Ifyouknockyourselfouttobeontimeyouwillhave
towait.Ifyou'relate,youwillbetoolate.
Ducharme'sPrecept
Opportunityalwaysknocksattheleastopportunemoment.
Dude'sLawofDuality
Oftwopossibleevents,onlytheundesiredonewilloccur.

Dunn'sDiscovery
Theshortestmeasurableintervaloftimeisthetimebetweenthemomentoneputsa
littleextraasideforasuddenemergencyandthearrivalofthatemergency.
Dunne'sLaw
Theterritorybehindrhetoricistoooftenminedwithequivocation.
Durant'sDiscovery
Oneofthelessonsofhistoryisthatnothingisoftenagoodthingtodoandalwaysa
cleverthingtosay.
Durrell'sParameter
Thefastertheplane,thenarrowertheseats.
Dyer'sLaw
Acontinuingflowofpaperissufficienttocontinuetheflowofpaper.
Dykstra'sLaw
Everybodyissomebodyelse'sweirdo.

E
Lawofeconomicdispersion
Theoneyouwantisnevertheoneonsale.Ifyoulikeit,theydon'thaveitinyour
size.Youneverwanttheoneyoucanafford.
Economists'Laws
1. Whatmenlearnfromhistoryisthatmendonotlearnfromhistory.
2. Ifonanactuarialbasisthereisa5050chancethatsomethingwillgowrong,itwill
actuallygowrongninetimesoutoften.
EdYourdonradar'sFundamentalTruth
Thegrassisbrownonbothsidesofthefence.
Ed'sFifthRuleofProcrastination
Spendsufficienttimeconfirmingtheneedandtheneedwilldisappear.
EddsLawofRadiology
Thecolderthexraytable,themoreofyourbodyyouarerequiredtoplaceonit.
Edington'sTheory
Thenumberofdifferenthypotheseserectedtoexplainagivenbiological
phenomenonisinverselyproportionaltotheavailableknowledge.
LawofEditorialCorrection
Anyonenitpickingenoughtowritealetterofcorrectiontoaneditordoubtless
deservestheerrorthatprovokedit.
Ehre'sDoubleDoorLaw
Inapproachingadoubledoor,youwillalwaysgototheonedoorthatislocked,pull

whenyoushouldhavepushed,andpushwhenthesignsayspull.
Ehrlich'sRule
Thefirstruleofintelligenttinkeringistosavealltheparts.
Ehrman'sCommentary
Thingswillgetworsebeforetheywillgetbetter.Whosaidthingswouldgetbetter?
Ehrman'sCommentaryonGinberg'sTheorem
1. Thingswillgetworsebeforetheygetbetter.
2. Whosaidthingswouldgetbetter?
Electronictheoremoftelevisionsets
A$300picturetubewillprotecta10fusebyblowingfirst
Elena'sLawsofAnimalBehavior
Theprobabilityofacateatingit'sdinnerhasabsolutelynothingtodowiththeprice
ofthefoodplacedbeforeit.
Eliot'sObservation
Nothingissogoodasitseemsbeforehand.
Ellenberg'sTheory
Onegoodturngetsmostoftheblanket.
Emerson'sInsight
Thatwhichwecallsininothersisexperimentforus.
Eng'sPrinciples
Theeasieritistodo,theharderitistochange.
The"EnoughAlready"Law
Themoreyourunoveradeadcat,theflatteritgets.
LawofEntropy
Ifyouputaspoonfulofwineinabarrelfullofsewageyougetsewage.Ifyouputa
spoonfulofsewageintoabarrelfullofwineyoustillgetsewage.
Epstein'sLaw
Ifyouthinktheproblemisbadnow,justwaituntilwe'vesolvedit.
Erhard'sContention
Nothingmattersverymuch,andfewthingsmatteratall.
ErskinesObservationonGovernmentProcurement
Anelephantisamousebuilttogovernmentspecifications.
Etorre'sObservation
Theotherlinemovesfaster.
CorollaryDon'ttrytochangelines.Theotherlinetheoneyouwereinoriginally
willthenmovefaster.

Ettorre'sObservation
Theotherlinemovesfaster.
Evans'sLaw
Nothingworthadamniseverdoneasamatterofprinciple.(Ifitisworthdoing,itis
donebecauseitisworthdoing.Ifitisnot,it'sdoneasamatterofprinciple.)
Evans'sLawofPolitics
Whenteammembersarefinallyinapositiontohelptheteam,itturnsouttheyhave
quittheteam.
Eve'sDiscovery
Atabargainsale,theonlysuitordressthatyoulikebestandthatfitsistheonenot
onsale.
Adam'sCorollaryIt'seasytotellwhenyou'vegotabargainitdoesn'tfit.
Evelyn'sRulesforBureaucraticSurvival
1. Abureaucrat'scastleishisdesk...andparkingplace.Proceedcautiouslywhen
changingeither.
2. Onthetheorythatoneshouldnevertakeanythingforgranted,followupon
everything,butespeciallythoseitemsvaryingfromthenorm.Thegreaterthe
divergencefromnormalroutineand/orthegreaterthenumberofofficespotentially
involved,thebetterthechanceanevertobediscoveredpersonwillfiletheproblem
awayinadrawerspecificallydesignedforitemsrequiringadecision.
3. Neversaywithoutqualificationthatyouractivityhassufficientspace,money,staff,
etc.
4. Alwaysdistrustofficesnotunderyourjurisdictionwhichsaythattheyarethereto
serveyou."Support"officesinabureaucracytendtogrowinsizeandmake
demandsonyououtofproportiontotheirservice,andintheendrequiremoreeffort
onyourpartthantheirserviceisworth.
CorollarySupportorganizationscanalwaysprovesuccessbyshowingserviceto
someone...notnecessarilyyou.
5. Incompetentsoftenhireableassistants.
Everitt'sFormoftheSecondLawofThermodynamics
Confusion(entropy)isalwaysincreasinginsociety.Onlyifsomeoneorsomething
worksextremelyhardcanthisconfusionbereducedtoorderinalimitedregion.
Nevertheless,thiseffortwillstilresultinanincreaseinthetotalconfusionofsociety
atlarge.
EvvieNef'sLaw
Thereisasolutiontoeveryproblemtheonlydifficultyisfindingit.
ExperientialLaw
Goodjudgmentcomesfromexperience.Experiencecomesfrombadjudgment.
FirstLawofExpertAdvice
Don'taskthebarberwhetheryouneedahaircut.
ExtendedEpsteinHeisenbergPrinciple
InanR&Dorbit,only2oftheexisting3parameterscanbedefinedsimultaneously.

Theparametersare:task,time,andresources($).
1. Ifoneknowswhatthetaskis,andthereisatimelimitallowedforthe
completionofthetask,thenonecannotguesshowmuchitwillcost.
2. Ifthetimeandresources($)areclearlydefined,thenitisimpossibletoknow
whatpartoftheR&Dtaskwillbeperformed.
3. IfyouaregivenaclearlydefinedR&Dgoalandadefinteamountofmoney
whichhasbeencalculatedtobenecessaryforthecompletionofthetask,one
cannotpredictifandwhenthegoalwillbereached.
4. Ifoneisluckyenoughtobeabletoaccuratelydefineallthreeparameters,
thenwhatoneisdealingwithisnotintherealmofR&D.
ExtendedMurphy'sLaw
Ifaseriesofeventscangowrong,itwilldosointheworstpossiblesequence.

F
Faber'sLaws
1. Ifthereisn'talaw,therewillbe.
2. Thenumberoferrorsinanypieceofwritingrisesinproportiontothewriter's
relianceonsecondarysources.
RuleofFailure
Ifatfirstyoudon'tsucceed,destroyallevidencethatyouhavetried.
Fairfax'sLaw
Anyfactswhich,whenincludedintheargument,givethedesiredresult,arefair
factsfortheargument.
Falkland'sRule
Whenitisnotnecessarytomakeadecision,itisnecessarynottomakeadecision.
LawofFallibility
Everythingputtogetherfallsapartsoonerorlater.Soonerorlater,theworst
possiblesetofcircumstancesisboundtooccur.
Farber'sLaws
1. Givehimaninchandhe'llscrewyou.
2. Ahandinthebushisworthtwoanywhereelse.
3. We'reallgoingdownthesameroadindifferentdirections.
4. Necessityisthemotherofstrangebedfellows.
Farmer'sComment
Ifyoumesswithsomethinglongenough,it'llbreak.
Farnsdick'scorollary
Afterthingshavegonefrombadtoworse,thecyclewillrepeatitself.
Farrow'sFinding
IfGodhadintendedforustogotoconcerts,Hewouldhavegivenustickets.

LawofFashion
Anygivendressis:indecent10yearsbeforeitstime,daring1yearbeforeitstime,
chicinitstime,dowdy3yearsafteritstime,hideous20yearsafteritstime,amusing
30yearsafteritstime,romantic100yearsafteritstime,andbeautiful150years
afteritstime.
Faust'sFirstLawofSynergism
Theonedayyou'dsellyoursoulforsomething,soulsareaglutonthemarket.
Featherkile'sRule
Whateveryoudid,that'swhatyouplannedtodo.
RuleofFelineFrustration
Whenyourcathasfallenasleeponyourlapandlooksutterlycontentandadorable,
youwillsuddenlyhavetogotothebathroom.
FelineLaw
Acatwalkingintoaroomcontainingtwelveseatedpeoplewilljumpintothelapof
thepersonwhohatescatsthemost.
Femo'sLawOfAutomotiveEngineRepairing
Ifyoudropsomething,itwillneverreachtheground.
Ferguson'sPrecept
Acrisisiswhenyoucan'tsay"let'sforgetthewholething."
Fetridge'sLaw
Importantthingsthataresupposedtohappendonothappen,especiallywhen
peoplearelooking.
Fett'sLawoftheLab
Neverreplicateasuccessfulexperiment.
Fett'sLawoftheLab(Fett'sLaw)
Neverreplicateasuccessfulexperiment.
Finagle'sCreed
ScienceisTruth.Don'tbemisledbyfact.
Finagle'sFirstLaw
Ifanexperimentworks,somethinghasgonewrong.
Finagle'sSecondLaw
Nomatterwhattheexperiment'sresult,therewillalwaysbesomeoneeagerto:
(a)misinterpretit.
(b)fakeit.or
(c)believeitsupportshisownpettheory.
Finagle'sThirdLaw
Inanycollectionofdata,thefiguremostobviouslycorrect,beyondallneedof
checking,isthemistake.
Corollaries
1. Noonewhomyouaskforhelpwillseeit.
2. Everyonewhostopsbywithunsoughtadvicewillseeitimmediately.

Finagle'sFourthLaw
Onceajobisfouledup,anythingdonetoimproveitonlymakesitworse.
Finagle'sLawAccordingtoNiven
Theperversityoftheuniversetendstoamaximum.
Finagle'sLawsofInformation
1. Theinformationyouhaveisnotwhatyouwant.
2. Theinformationyouwantisnotwhatyouneed.
3. Theinformationyouneedisnotwhatyoucanobtain.
4. Theinformationyoucanobtaincostsmorethanyouwanttopay.
Finagle'sRules
Eversincethefirstscientificexperiment,manhasbeenplaguedbytheincreasing
antagonismofnature.Itseemsonlyrightthatnatureshouldbelogicalandneat,but
experiencehasshownthatthisisnotthecase.Afurtherseriesofruleshasbeen
formulated,designedtohelpmanacceptthepigheadednessofnature.
1. Tostudyasubjectbest,understanditthoroughlybeforeyoustart.
2. Alwayskeeparecordofdata.Itindicatesyou'vebeenworking.
3. Alwaysdrawyourcurves,thenplotthereading.
4. Incaseofdoubt,makeitsoundconvincing.
5. LawofContinuity
Experimentsshouldbereproducible.Theyshouldallfailinthesameway.
CorrespondenceCorollary
Anexperimentmaybeconsideredasuccessifnomorethanhalfofyourdata
mustbediscardedtoobtain
6. Whenyoudon'tknowwhatyouaredoing,doitNEATLY.
7. Teamworkisessentialitallowsyoutoblamesomeoneelse.
8. Alwaysverifyyourwitchcraft.
9. Besuretoobtainmeteorologicaldatabeforeleavingonvacation.
10. Donotbelieveinmiracles.Relyonthem.
Finnigan'sLaw
Inanycollectionofdata,thefiguremostobviouslycorrect,beyondallneedof
checkingisthemistake.
Finster'sLaw
Aclosedmouthgathersnofeet.
Firestone'sLawofForcasting
ChickenLittleonlyhastoberightonce.
Firth'sLawofTailoring
Nomatterhowmanyalterations,cheappantsneverfit.
Fishbein'sConclusion
Thetireisonlyflatonthebottom.
FitzGibbon'sLaw
Creativityvariesinverselywiththenumberofcooksinvolvedwiththebroth.
Flagle'sLawofthePerversityofInanimateObjects(Flap'sLaw)

Anyinanimateobject,regardlessofitscompositionorconfiguration,maybe
expectedtoperformatanytimeinatotallyunexpectedmanner,forreasonsthatare
eitherentirelyobscureorelsecompletelymysterious.
FlawofLongRangePlanning
Thelongeraheadyouplanaspecialevent,andthemorespecialitis,themore
likelyitistogowrong.
FlipWilson'sLaw
Youcan'texpecttohitthejackpotifyoudon'tputafewnicklesinthemachine.
LawForFreeLanceArtists
1. Ahighpayingrushjobwillcomeinonlyafteryou'vecommittedtoalowpayingrush
job.
2. Allrushjobsareduethesameday.
3. Therushjobyouspentallnightonwon'tbepickedupbythecustomerfortwodays.
Anythingiseasiertotakeapartthantoputtogether
FordPintoRule
Neverbuyacarthathasawick.
FormulaforPublicOfficeSurvival
1. Exploittheinevitable(whichmeans,takecreditforanythinggoodwhichhappens
whetheryouhadanythingtodowithitornot).
2. Don'tdisturbtheperimeter(meaningdon'tstirupamessunlessyoucanbesureof
theresult).
3. StayinwiththeOuts(theInswillmakesomanymistakes,youcan'taffordto
alienatetheOuts).
4. Gowherethemoneyis.
Forsyth'sSecondCorollarytoMurphy'sLaws
Justwhenyouseethelightattheendofthetunnel,theroofcavesin.
Forthoffer'sCynicalSummaryofBarzun'sLaws
Thatwhichhasnotyetbeentaughtdirectlycanneverbetaughtdirectly.
Ifatfirstyoudon'tsucceed,youwillneversucceed.
Fortis'sThreeGreatLiesofLife
1. Moneyisn'teverything.
2. It'sgreattobeaNegro.
3. I'monlygoingtoputitinalittleway.
Foster'sLaw
Ifyoucoveracongressionalcommitteeonaregularbasis,theywillreportthe
billonyourdayoff.
FourteenthCorollaryofAtwood'sGeneralLawofDynamicNegatives
Nobooksarelostbyloaningexceptthoseyouparticularlywantedtokeep.
Fowler'sLaw
Inabureaucracy,accomplishmentisinverselyproportionaltothevolumeof
paperused.

Fowler'sNote
Theonlyimperfectthinginnatureisthehumanrace.
Frankel'sLaw
Whateverhappensingovernmentcouldhavehappeneddifferently,andit
usuallywouldhavebeenbetterifithad.
CorollaryOncethingshavehappened,nomatterhowaccidentally,theywill
beregardedasmanifestationsofanunchangeableHigherReason.
Franklin'sObservation
HethatlivesuponHopediesfarting.
Franklin'sRule
Blessedishewhoexpectsnothing,forheshallnotbedisappointed.
FredAllen'sMotto
I'dratherhaveafreebottleinfrontofmethanaprefrontallobotomy.
Freddie'sLawsofBiomechanics
Theseverityoftheitchisdirectlyproportionalto:
Thenumberofpersonsinthegroupyouarewith.
Thedistanceyoumustreachtoscratchit.
Themoreembarrassingtheplacethatmustbescratched.
Freeman'sCommentaryonGinberg'sTheorem
Everymajorphilosophythatattemptstomakelifeseemmeaningfulisbased
onthenegationofonepartofGinsberg'sTheorem.Towit:
1. Capitalismisbasedontheassumptionthatyoucanwin.
2. Socialismisbasedontheassumptionthatyoucanbreakeven.
3. Mysticismisbasedontheassumptionthatyoucanquitthegame.
Freeman'sRule
Nothingissosimplethatitcannotbemisunderstood.
Freemon'sRule
Circumstancescanforceageneralizedincompetenttobecomecompetent,at
leastinaspecializedfield.
Fried'sLaw
Ideasendureandprosperininverseproportiontotheirsoundnessandvalidity.
LawofFriendship
Anyonewhoispopularisboundtobedisliked.
Frisch'sLaw
Youcannothaveababyinonemonthbygettingninewomenpregnant.
Frothingham'sFallacy
Timeismoney.
Fudd'sFirstLawofOpposition
Ifyoupushsomethinghardenough,itwillfallover.

Fulton'sLaw
Whenyouneedtoknockonwoodiswhenyoudiscoverthattheworldismade
ofaluminum,vinylandfiberglass.
FundamentalTenetofReform
Reformscomefrombelow.Nomanwithfouraceshowlsforanewdeal.
Funkhouser'sLawofthePowerofthePress
Thequalityoflegislationpassedtodealwithaproblemisinversely
proportionaltothevolumeofmediaclamorthatbroughtiton.
TheFutilityFactor(Carson'sConsolation)
Noexperimentiseveracompletefailureitcanalwaysserveasabad
example,ortheexceptionthatprovestherule(butonlyifitisthefirst
experimentintheseries).
LawofFutureResults
Nothingevercomesoutasplanned.
Fyffe'sAxiom
Theproblemsolvingprocesswillalwaysbreakdownatthepointatwhichitis
possibletodeterminewhocausedtheproblem.

G
GadareneSwineLaw
Merelybecausethegroupisinformationdoesnotmeanthatthegroupisonthe
rightcourse.
Galbraith'sLawofPoliticalWisdom
Anyonewhosaysheisn'tgoingtoresign,fourtimes,definitelywill.
Galbraith'sLawofProminence
Gettingonthecoverof"Time"guaranteestheexistenceofoppositioninthefuture.
Gallois'sRevelation
Ifyouputtomfooleryintoacomputer,nothingcomesbackoutbuttomfoolery.But
thistomfoolery,havingpassedthroughaveryexpensivemachine,issomehow
ennobled,andnoonedarestocriticizeit.
CorollaryAnexpertisapersonwhoavoidsthesmallerrorswhilesweepingonto
theGrandFallacy.
Gardner'sRuleofSociety
Thesocietywhichscornsexcellenceinplumbingbecauseplumbingisahumble
activityandtoleratesshoddinessinphilosophybecauseitisanexaltedactivitywill
haveneithergoodplumbingnorgoodphilosophy.Neitheritspipesnoritstheories
willholdwater.
Garfinkle'sLawofQuality
oftwopossibleevents,onlytheundesiredonewilloccur.

GellMann'sDictum
Whateverisn'tforbiddenisrequired.
CorollaryIfthere'snoreasonwhysomethingshouldn'texist,thenitmustexist.
LawofGeneralAssistance
Indealingwiththeirownproblems,helpingprofessionalsarethemostextreme
conservatives..Indealingwiththeproblemsofothers,theyarethemostextreme
liberals.
LawofGeneralizations
Allgeneralizationsarefalse.
Gerrold'sFundamentalTruth
It'sagoodthingmoneycan'tbuyhappiness.Wecouldn'tstandthecommercials.
Gerrold'sLaw
Alittleignorancecangoalongway.
Lyall'sAddendum...inthedirectionofmaximumharm.
Gerrold'sLawsofInfernalDynamics
1. Anobjectinmotionwillalwaysbeheadedinthewrongdirection.
2. Anobjectatrestwillalwaysbeinthewrongplace.
3. Theenergyrequiredtochangeeitheroneofthestateswillalwaysbemorethanyou
wishtoexpend,butneversomuchastomakethetasktotallyimpossible.
Gerrold'sPronouncement
Thedifferencebetweenapoliticianandasnailisthatasnailleavesitsslimebehind.
Gershwin'sLaw
Itain'tnecessarilyso.
Getty'sReminder
Themeekshallinherittheearth,butNOTitsmineralrights.
Gibb'sLaw
Infinityisonelawyerwaitingforanother.
Gilb'sLawsofUnreliability(seealsoTroutman'sLawsofComputerProgramming)
1. Computersareunreliable,buthumansareevenmoreunreliable.
CorollaryAtthesourceofeveryerrorwhichisblamedonthecomputeryouwill
findatleasttwohumanerrors,includingtheerrorofblamingitonthecomputer.
2. Anysystemwhichdependsonhumanreliabilityisunreliable.
3. Theonlydifferencebetweenthefoolandthecriminalwhoattacksasystemisthat
thefoolattacksunpredictablyandonabroaderfront.
4. Asystemtendstogrowintermsofcomplexityratherthanofsimplification,untilthe
resultingunreliabilitybecomesintolerable.
5. Selfcheckingsystemstendtohaveacomplexityinproportiontotheinherent
unreliabilityofthesysteminwhichtheyareused.
6. Theerrordetectionandcorrectioncapabilitiesofanysystemwillserveasthekeyto
understandingthetypeoferrorswhichtheycannothandle.
7. Undetectableerrorsareinfiniteinvariety,incontrasttodetectableerrors,whichby
definitionarelimited.

8. Allrealprogramscontainerrorsuntilprovedotherwisewhichisimpossible.
9. Investmentinreliabilitywillincreaseuntilitexceedstheprobablecostoferrors,or
somebodyinsistsongettingsomeusefulworkdone.
Gilmer'sMottoforPoliticalLeadership
Lookoveryourshouldernowandthentobesuresomeone'sfollowingyou.
Ginsberg'sTheorems(GeneralizedLawsofThermodynamicsorGinsberg's
RestatementoftheThreeLawsofThermodynamics)
1. Youcan'twin.
2. Youcan'tbreakeven.
3. Youcan'tevenquitthegame.
Glatum'sLawofMaterialisticAcquisitiveness
Theperceivedusefulnessofanarticleisinverselyproportionaltoitsactual
usefulnessonceboughtandpaidfor.
Glyme'sFormulaforSuccess
Thesecretofsuccessissincerity.Onceyoucanfakethat,you'vegotitmade.
Godin'sLaw
Generalizednessofincompetenceisdirectlyproportionaltohighestnessin
hierarchy.
(Vic)Gold'sLaw
Thecandidatewhoisexpectedtodowellbecauseofexperienceandreputation
(Douglas,Nixon)mustdoBETTERthanwell,whilethecandidateexpectedtofare
poorly(Lincoln,Kennedy)canputpointsonthemediaboardsimplybysurviving.
(Bill)Gold'sLaw
Acolumnabouterrorswillcontainerrors.
Gold'sLaw
Iftheshoefits,it'sugly.
GoldenPrinciple
Nothingwillbeattemptedifallpossibleobjectionsmustfirstbeovercome.
TheGoldenRule
Hewhohasthegold,makestherules.
TheGoldenRuleofArtsandSciences
Whoeverhasthegoldmakestherules.
Goldstein'sLaw
InAmerica,it'snothowmuchanitemcosts,it'showmuchyousave.
Goldwyn'sLawofContracts
Averbalcontractisn'tworththepaperit'swrittenon.
Golub'sLawsofComputerdom
1. Fuzzyprojectobjectivesareusedtoavoidtheembarrassmentofestimatingthe

correspondingcosts.
2. Acarelesslyplannedprojecttakesthreetimeslongertocompletethanexpectedif
carefullyplanned,itwilltakeonlytwiceaslong.
3. Theeffortrequiredtocorrectcourseincreasesgeometricallywithtime.
4. Projectteamsdetestweeklyprogressreportingbecauseitsovividlymanifeststheir
lackofprogress.
The19RulesforGoodRiting
1. Eachpronounagreeswiththeirantecedent.
2. JustbetweenyouandI,caseisimportant.
3. Verbshastoagreewiththeirsubject.
4. Watchoutforirregularverbswhichhascroppedupintoourlanguage.
5. Don'tusenodoublenegatives.
6. Awritermustn'tshiftyourpointofview.
7. Whendangling,don'tuseparticiples.
8. Joinclausesgoodlikeaconjunctionshould.
9. Anddon'tuseconjunctionstostartsentences.
10. Don'tusearunonsentenceyougottopunctuateit.
11. Aboutsentencefragments.
12. Inlettersthemesreportsarticlesandstufflikethatweusecommastokeepstrings
apart.
13. Don'tusecommas,whicharen'tnecessary.
14. Itsimportanttouseapostrophe'sright.
15. Don'tabbrev.
16. Checktoseeifyouanywordsout.
17. InmyopinionIthinkthattheauthorwhenheiswritingshouldnotgetintothehabit
ofmakinguseoftoomanyunnecessarywordswhichhedoesnotreallyneed.
18. Then,ofcourse,there'sthatoldone:Neveruseaprepositiontoendasentence
with.
19. Lastbutnotleast,avoidclichesliketheplague.
Goodfader'sLaw
Underanysystem,afewsharpieswillbeattherestofus.
Goodin'sLawofConversions
Thenewhardwarewillbreakdownassoonastheoldisdisconnectedandout.
Goodman'sLawofValue
Themoreanitemcosts,thefartheryouhavetosenditforrepairs.
Gordon'sDictumofDirectionGiving
Thepossibilityofgettinglostisdirectlyproportionaltothenumberoftimesthe
directiongiversays"youcan'tmissit".
Gordon'sFirstLaw
Ifaresearchprojectisnotworthdoingatall,itisnotworthdoingwell.
Goulden'sAxiomoftheBouncingCan
Ifyoudropafullcanofbeer,andremembertorapthetopsharplywithyourknuckle
priortoopening,theensuinggushoffoamwillbebetween89and94percentofthe
volumethatwouldsplatteryouifyoudidn'tdoadamnedthingandwentaheadand

pulledthetopimmediately.
Goulden'sLawofJuryWatching
Ifajuryinacriminaltrialstaysoutformorethan24hours,itiscertaintovote
acquittal,saveinthoseinstanceswhenitvotesguilty.
Government'sLaw
Thereisanexceptiontoalllaws.
Grabel'sLaw
2isnotequalto3notevenforverylargevaluesof2.
Graditor'sLaws
1. Ifitcanbreak,itwill,butonlyafterthewarrantyexpires.
2. Anecessaryitemgoesonsaleonlyafteryouhavepurchaseditattheregularprice.
GrandmaSoderquist'sConclusion
Achickendoesn'tstopscratchingjustbecausethewormsarescarce.
Gray'sLawofBilateralAsymmetryinNetworks
Informationflowsefficientlythroughorganizations,exceptthatbadnewsencounters
highimpedanceinflowingupward.
Gray'sLawofProgramming
N+1trivialtasksareexpectedtobeaccomplishedinthesametimeasNtrivial
tasks.
LoggsRebuttalN+1trivialtaskstaketwiceaslongasNtrivialtasksforN
sufficientlylarge.
RuleoftheGreat
Whensomeoneyougreatlyadmireandrespectappearstobethinkingdeep
thoughts,theyareprobablythinkingaboutlunch.
LawofTheGreatIdea
Theonlytimeyoucomeupwithagreatsolutionisaftersomebodyelsehassolved
theproblem.
Green'sLawofDebate
Anythingispossibleifyoudon'tknowwhatyou'retalkingabout.
Greenberg'sFirstLawofInfluence
Usefulnessisinverselyproportionaltoreputationforbeinguseful.
Greener'sLaw
Neverarguewithamanwhobuysinkbythebarrel.
Greenhaus'sSummation
I'dgivemyrightarmtobeambidextrous.
Gresham'sLaw
Trivialmattersarehandledpromptlyimportantmattersareneverresolved.

GreshamsObservations
1. Onthetheorythatoneshouldnevertakeanythingforgranted,followupon
everything,butespeciallythoseitemsvaryingfromthenorm.
2. Thegreaterthedivergencefromnormalroutineand/orthegreaterthenumberof
officespotentiallyinvolved,thebetterthechanceanevertobediscoveredperson
willfiletheproblemawayinadrawerspecificallydesignedforitemsrequiringa
decision.
3. Neversaywithoutqualificationthatyouractivityhassufficientspace,money,staff,
etc.
4. Alwaysdistrustofficesnotunderyourjurisdictionwhichsaythattheyarethereto
serveyou."Support"officesinabureaucracytendtogrowinsizeandmake
demandsonyououtofproportiontotheirservice,andintheendrequiremoreeffort
onyourpartthantheirserviceisworth.
CorollarySupportorganizationscanalwaysprovesuccessbyshowingserviceto
someone...notnecessarilyyou.
5. Incompetentsoftenhireableassistants.
Grierson'sLawofMinimalSelfDelusion
Everymannourisheswithinhimselfasecretplanforgettingrichthatwillnotwork.
GroceryBagLaw
Thecandybaryouplannedtoeatonthewayhomefromthemarketishiddenatthe
bottomofthebag.
Grosch'sLaw
Computingpowerincreasesasthesquareofthecost.Ifyouwanttodoittwiceas
cheaply,youhavetodoitfourtimesslower.
Gross'sLaw
Whentwopeoplemeettodecidehowtospendathirdperson'smoney,fraudwill
result.
Grossman'sLaw(Grossman'sMisquote)
Complexproblemshavesimple,easytounderstandwronganswers.
Grossman'sMisquote
Complexproblemshavesimple,easytounderstandwronganswers.
Gummidge'sLaw
Theamountofexpertisevariesininverseproportiontothenumberofstatements
understoodbythegeneralpublic.
Gumperson'sLaw
Theprobabilityofagiveneventoccuringisinverselyproportionaltoitsdesirability.
Corollaries:
1. Afterasalaryraise,youwillhavelessmoneyattheendofthemonththanyou
hadbefore.
2. Themorearecruitknowsaboutagivensubject,thebetterchancehehasof
beingassignedtosomethingelse.
3. Youcanthrowaburntmatchoutthewindowofyourcarandstartaforestfire,
butyoucanusetwoboxesofmatchesandawholeeditionoftheSunday

paperwithoutbeingabletostartafireunderthedrylogsinyourfireplace.
4. Childrenhavemoreenergyafteraharddayofplaythantheydoafteragood
night'ssleep.
5. Thepersonwhobuysthemostraffleticketshastheleastchanceofwinning.
6. Goodparkingplacesarealwaysontheothersideofthestreet.
Gumperson'sProof
Themostundesirablethingsarethemostcertain(deathandtaxes).
Gunter'sFirstLawofAirTravel
Whenyouareservedamealaboardanaircraft,theaircraftwillencounter
turbulence.
Gunter'sSecondLawofAirTravel
Thestrengthoftheturbulenceisdirectlyproportionaltothetemperatureofyou
coffee.
Guthman'sLawofMedia
Thirtysecondsontheeveningnewsisworthafrontpageheadlineinevery
newspaperintheworld.

H
H.L.Mencken'sLaw
Thosewhocando.
Thosewhocannotteach.
Thosewhocannotteachadministrate.(Martin'sExtension)
Haberdasher'sInstruction
Clothesmaketheman.Nakedpeoplehavelittleornoinfluenceonsociety.
Hacker'sLaw
Thebeliefthatenhancedunderstandingwillnecessarilystiranationoran
organizationtoactionisoneofmankind'soldestillusions.
Hacker'sLawofPersonnel
Anyonehavingsupervisoryresponsibilityforthecompletionofataskwillinvariably
protestthatmoreresourcesareneeded.
Hagerty'sLaw
Ifyouloseyourtemperatanewspapercolumnist,he'llgetrichorfamousorboth.
Haldane'sLaw
TheUniverseisnotonlyqueererthanweimagine,itisqueererthanweCAN
imagine.
Hale'sRule
Thesumptuousnssofacompany'sannualreportisininverseproportiontoits
profitabilitythatyear.

Hall'sLaw
ThereisastatisticalcorrelationbetweenthenumberofinitialsinanEnglishman's
nameandhissocialclass(theupperclasshavingsignificantlymorethanthree
names,whilemembersofthelowerclassaverage2.6).
Halpern'sObservation
Thetendancytoerrthatprogrammershavebeennoticedtosharewithotherhuman
beingshasoftenbeentreatedasifitwereanawkwardnessattendantupon
programming'sadolescence,which(likeacne)woulddisappearwiththecraft's
comingofage.Ithasprovedotherwise.
Hanlon'sRazor
Neverattributetomalicethatwhichisadequatelyexplainedbystupidity.
Hardin'sLaws
Everytimeyoucomeupwithaterrificidea,youfindthatsomeoneelsethoughtofit
first.
Youcanneverdomerelyonething.
Hare'sAdditionalLie
Thiswillhurtmemorethanithurtsyou.
Harper'sLaw
Youneverfindanythinguntilyoureplaceit.
Harper'sMagazine'sLaw
Youneverfindanarticleuntilyoureplaceit.
Harris'sLament
Allthegoodonesaretaken.
Harris'sLaw
Anyphilosophythatcanbeput"inanutshell"belongsthere.
Harris'sRestaurantParadox
Oneofthegreatestunsolvedriddlesofrestauranteatingisthatthecustomer
usuallygetsfasterservicewhentheretaurantiscrowdedthanwhenitishalfempty
itseemsthatthelessthestaffhastodo,theslowertheydoit.
Harrison'sPostulate
Foreveryaction,thereisanequalandoppositecriticism.
Hart'sLaw
InacountryasbigastheUnitedStates,youcanfindfiftyexamplesofanything.
Hart'sLawofTheConservationofFilth
Inorderforsomethingtobecomeclean,somethingelsemustbecomedirty.
Freedman'sExtension
Youcangeteverythingdirtywithoutgettinganythingclean.
Hartig's"HowIsGoodOldBill?"Didn'tyouknowwe'redivorcedLaw
Ifthereisawrongthingtosay,onewill.

Hartig'sSleeveintheCup,ThumbintheButterLaw
Whenoneistryingtobeelegantandsophisticated,onewon't.
Hartley'sFirstLaw
Theprobabilityofsomeonewatchingyouisproportionaltothestupidityofyour
action.
Hartley'sSecondLaw
Nevergotobedwithanybodycrazierthanyouare.
Hartley'sLaw
Youcanleadahorsetowater,butifyoucangethimtofloatonhisbackyou'vegot
something.
Hartman'sAutomotiveLaws
1. Nothingminoreverhappenstoacarontheweekend.
2. Nothingminoreverhappenstoacaronatrip.
3. Nothingminoreverhappenstoacar.
HarvardLaw
Underthemostrigorouslycontrolledconditionsofpressure,temperature,volume,
humidity,andothervariables,anyexperimentalorganismwilldoasitdamnwell
pleases.
Harvard'sLaw,asappliedtoComputers
Underthemostrigorouslycontrolledconditionsofpressure,temperature,volume,
humidityandothervariables,thecomputerwilldoasitdamnwellpleases.
Harver'sLaw
Adrunkenman'swordsareasoberman'sthoughts.
Hawkin'sTheoryofProgress
Progressdoesnotconsistofreplacingatheorythatiswrongwithonethatisright.It
consistsofreplacingatheorythatiswrongwithonethatismoresubtlywrong.
Hearst'sLaw
Neverarguewithamanwhobuysinkbythebarrel.
Hein'sLaw
Problemsworthyofattackprovetheirworthbyhittingback.
Heisenberg'sAddendumtoBrownianBureaucracy
Ifyouobserveabureaucratcloselyenoughtomakethedistinctionabove,hewill
reacttoyourobservationbycoveringhisass.
Heller'sMythsofManagement
Thefirstmythofmanagementisthatitexists.Thesecondmythofmanagementis
thatsuccessequalsskill.
Corollary(Johnson)Nobodyreallyknowswhatisgoingonanywherewithinyour
organization.
Hellrung'sLaw
Ifyouwait,itwillgoaway.

Shevelson'sExtension...havingdoneitsdamage.
Grelb'sAddition...ifitwasbad,itwillbeback.
Hendrickson'sLaw
Ifaproblemcausesmanymeetings,themeetingseventuallybecomemore
importantthantheproblem.
Herblock'sLaw
Ifit'sgood,they'llstopmakingit.
Herman'sObservation
Vitalpaperswilldemonstratetheirvitalitybymovingfromwhereyouleftthemto
whereyoucan'tfindthem.
Herrnstein'sLaw
Thetotalattentionpaidtoaninstructorisaconstantregardlessofthesizeofthe
class.
Hersh'sLaw
Biochemistryexpandstofillthespaceandtimeavailableforitscompletionand
publication.
LawofHierachicalCommunications
Theinevitableresultofimprovedcommunicationsbetweendifferentlevelsina
hierarchyisavastlyincreasedareaofmisunderstanding.
LawofHighwayBiology
Thefirstbugtohityourcleanwindshieldlandsdirectlyinfrontofyoureyes.
LawofHighwayConstruction
Themostheavilytraveledstreetsspendthemosttimeunderconstruction.
Hildebrand'sLaw
Thequalityofadepartmentisinverselyproportionaltothenumberofcoursesitlists
initscatalogue.
Hill'sCommentariesonMurphy'sLaws
1. Ifwelosemuchbyhavingthingsgowrong,takeallpossiblecare.
2. Ifwehavenothingtolosebychange,relax.
3. Ifwehaveeverythingtogainbychange,relax.
4. Ifitdoesn'tmatter,itdoesnotmatter.
Hind'sLawsofComputerProgramming
1. Thevalueofaprogramisproportionaltotheweightofitsoutput.
2. Anynontrivialprogramcontainsatleastonebug.
3. Undetectableerrorsareinfiniteinvariety,incontrasttodetectableerrors,whichby
definitionarelimited.
4. Addingmanpowertoalatesoftwareprojectmakesitlater.
Historian'sRule
Anyevent,onceithasoccurred,canbemadetoappearinevitablebyacompetent
historian.

FirstRuleofHistory
Historydoesn'trepeatitselfhistoriansmerelyrepeateachother.
Hoare'sLawofLargePrograms
Insideeverylargeprogramisasmallprogramstrugglingtogetout.
Rhode'sCorollarytoHoare'sLaw
Insideeverycomplexandunworkableprogramisausefulroutinestrugglingtobe
free.
Hoare'sLawofLargerProblems
Insideeverylargeproblemisasmallproblemstrugglingtogetout.
Hofstatler'sLaw
Thingsalwaystaketwiceaslongasyouanticipate,evenifyoutakeintoaccount
Hofstatler'sLaw.(Thiscorollaryisoftenelevatedtotherankofalaw.Sinceitisonly
aspecialcaseofMurphy'sLaw,though,itprovidesfurtherjustificationforelevating
Murphy'sLawtoademilaw.)
Hogg'sLawofStationWagons
Theamountofjunkisindirectproportiontotheamountofspaceavailable.
BaggageCorollaryIfyougoonatriptakingtwobagswithyou,onecontaining
everythingyouneedforthetripandtheothercontainingabsolutelynothing,the
secondbagwillbecompletelyfilledwithjunkacquiredonthetripwhenyouret
Holsworth'sLaws
1. Ifyoucanonlydoonethingwellthereisnomarketforit.
2. Youcanneverdojustonething.
Holten'sHomilies
1. Theonlytimetobepositiveiswhenyouarepositiveyouarewrong.
2. Thechiefcauseofproblemsissolutions.
3. Theonewhodoestheleastwork,willgetthemostcredit.
Horner'sFiveThumbPostulate
Experiencevariesdirectlywithequipmentruined.
Horngren'sObservation(generalized)
Therealworldisaspecialcase.
Horowitz'sRule
Acomputermakesasmanymistakesintwosecondsas20menworking20years.
HorticulturistsTwoLaws
1. Grassgrowingfromsidewalkcracksneverturnsbrown.
2. Thelifeexpectancyofahouseplantvariesinverselywithitspriceanddirectlywith
it'sugliness.
Howard'sFirstLawofTheater
Useit.
Howe'sLaw
Everymanhasaschemethatwillnotwork.

Hubbard'sLaw
Don'ttakelifetooseriouslyyouwon'tgetoutofitalive.
Hull'sTheorem
Thecombinedpullofseveralpatronsisthesumoftheirseparatepullsmultipliedby
thenumberofpatrons.
Hull'sWarning
Neverinsultanalligatoruntilafteryouhavecrossedtheriver.
Hunter'sTheoryofPersonnelRecruitment
Farawaytalentalwaysseemsbetterthanhomedevelopedtalent.

I
IBMPollyannaPrinciple(IBM'SIncorrectPrinciple)
Machinesshouldwork.Peopleshouldthink.
IdeaFormula
Oneman'sbrainplusoneotherwillproduceaboutonehalfasmanyideasasone
manwouldhaveproducedalone.Thesetwoplustwomorewillproducehalfagain
asmanyideas.Thesefourplusfourmorebegintorepresentacreativemeeting,
andtheratiochangestoonequarterasmany.
TheIkeTautology
Thingsaremoreliketheyarenowthantheyhaveeverbeenbefore.
CorollaryNostalgiaisn'twhatitusedtobe.
Iles'sLaw
Thereisaneasierwaytodoit.
Corollaries:
1. Whenlookingdirectlyattheeasierway,especiallyforlongperiods,youwill
notseeit.
2. NeitherwillIles.
Imhoff'sLaw
TheorganizationofanybureaucracyisverymuchlikeaseptictanktheREALLY
bigchunksalwaysrisetothetop.
LawofInanimateMobility
Allinanimateobjectscanmovejustenoughtogetinyourway
TheInapplicableLaw
Washingyourcartomakeitraindoesn'twork.
IndexofDevelopment
Thedegreeofacountry'sdevelopmentismeasuredbytheratioofthepriceofan
automobiletothecostofahaircut.Thelowertheratio,thehigherthedegreeof
development.

LawoftheIndividual
Nobodyreallycaresorunderstandswhatanyoneelseisdoing.
LawofInertia
Wherethere'sawill,there'sawon't.
LawofInsideDope
Therearemanyinsidedopesinpoliticsandgovernment.
LawofInstitutions
Theopulenceofthefrontofficedecorvariesinverselywiththefundamental
solvencyofthefirm.
LawofInsuranceRatesAndTaxes
Whatevergoesup,staysup.
IronLawofDistribution
Themwhathasgets.Wakefield'sRefutationoftheIronLawofDistribution:
Themwhatgetshas.
Issawi'sLawofAggression
Atanygivenmoment,asocietycontainsacertainamountofaccumulatedand
accruingaggressiveness.Ifmorethan21yearselapsewithoutthisaggressiveness
beingdirectedoutward,inapopularwaragainstothercountries,itturnsinward,in
socialunrest,civildisturbances,andpoliticaldisruption.
Issawi'sLawofConsumptionPatterns
Otherpeople'spatternsofexpenditureandconsumptionarehighlyirrationaland
slightlyimmoral.
Issawi'sLawofCynics
Cynicsarerightninetimesoutoftenwhatundoesthemistheirbeliefthattheyare
righttentimesoutoften.
Issawi'sLawofDogmatism
Whenwecallothersdogmatic,whatwereallyobjecttoistheirholdingdogmasthat
aredifferentfromourown.
Issawi'sLawofEstimationofError
Expertsinadvancedcountriesunderestimatebyafactorof2to4theabilityof
peopleinunderdevelopedcountriestodoanythingtechnical.
Issawi'sLawofFrustration
Onecannotmakeanomelettewithoutbreakingeggsbutitisamazinghowmany
eggsonecanbreakwithoutmakingadecentomelette.
Issawi'sLawoftheConservationofEvil
Thetotalamountofevilinanysystemremainsconstant.Hence,anydiminutionin
onedirectionforinstance,areductioninpovertyorunemploymentis
accompaniedbyanincreaseinanother,e.g.,crimeorairpollution.
Issawi'sLawoftheSocialSciences

Bythetimeasocialsciencetheoryisformulatedinsuchawaythatitcanbetested,
changingcircumstanceshavealreadymadeitobsolete.
Issawi'sLawsofCommittoDynamics
1. Comitascomitatum,omniacomitas.
2. Thelessyouenjoyservingoncommittees,themorelikelyyouaretobepressedto
doso.
Issawi'sLawsofProgress
TheCourseofProgress:Mostthingsgetsteadilyworse.
ThePathofProgress:Ashortcutisthelongestdistancebetweentwopoints.
TheDialecticsofProgress:Directactionproducesdirectreaction.
ThePaceofProgress:Societyisamule,notacar...Ifpressedtoohard,itwillkick
andthrowoffitsrider.
Issawi'sObservationontheConsumptionofPaper
Eachsystemhasitsownwayofconsumingvastamountsofpaper:insocialist
societiesbyfillinglargeformsinquadruplicate,incapitalistsocietiesbyputtingup
hugepostersandwrappingeveryarticleinfourlayersofcardboard.
ItalianProverb
Shewhoissilentconsents.

J
Jacob'Law
Toerrishumantoblameitonsomeoneelseisevenmorehuman.
Jacquin'sPostulateonDemocraticGovernment
Noman'slife,liberty,orpropertyaresafewhilethelegislatureisinsession.
Jake'sLaw
Anythinghitwithabigenoughhammerwillfallapart.
Jaroslovsky'sLaw
Thedistanceyouhavetoparkfromyourapartmentincreasesinproportiontothe
weightofpackagesyouarecarrying.
Jay'sLawsofLeadership
1. Changingthingsiscentraltoleadership,andchangingthembeforeanyoneelseis
creativity.
2. Tobuildsomethingthatendures,itisofthegreatestimportanttohavealongtenure
inofficetoruleformanyyears.Youcanachieveaquicksuccessinayearortwo,
butnearlyallofthegreattycoonshavecontinuedtheirbuildingmuchlonger.
Jenkinson'sLaw
Itwon'twork.
Jinny'sLaw
Thereisnosuchthingasashortbeer.(Asin,"I'mgoingtostopoffatJoe'sfora

shortbeerbeforeonthewayhome.")
JohnCameron'sLaw
Nomatterhowmanytimesyou'vehadit,ifit'soffered,takeit,becauseit'llneverbe
quitethesameagain.
John'sAxiom
Whenyouropponentisdown,kickhim.
John'sCollateralCorollary
Inordertogetaloanyoumustfirstproveyoudon'tneedit.
JohnsLawsofProblems
1. Insideeverylargeproblemisasmallproblemstrugglingtogetout.
2. Almostanythingiseasiertogetintothantogetoutof.
3. Urgencyvariesinverselywithimportance.
Johnson'sFirstLaw
Whenanymechanicalcontrivancefails,itwilldosoatthemostinconvenient
possibletime.
Johnson'sFirstLawofAutoRepair
Anytooldroppedwhilerepairinganautomobilewillrollunderthecartothevehicle's
exactgeographiccenter.
Johnson'sLaw
Thenumberofminorillnessesamongtheemployeesisinverselyproportionaltothe
healthoftheorganization.
Johnson'sLaws
1. Whenanymechanicalcontrivancefails,itwilldosoatthemostinconvenienttime.
2. If,inthecourseofseveralmonths,onlythreeworthwhilesocialeventstakeplace,
theywillallfallonthesameevening.
3. Ifyoumissoneissueofanymagazine,itwillbetheissuecontainingthearticle,
story,orinstallmentyouweremostanxioustoread.
CorollaryAllofyourfriendseithermissedit,lostit,orthrewitout.
Johnson'sSecondLaw
If,inthecourseofseveralmonths,onlythreeworthwhilesocialeventstakeplace,
theywillallfallonthesameevening.
Johnson'sThirdLaw
Ifyoumissoneissueofanymagazine,itwillbetheissuethatcontainsthearticle,
storyorinstallmentyouweremostanxioustoread.
JohnsonLaird'sLaw
ToothachetendstostartonSaturdaynight.
Jones'Law(Nixon'sLaw)
Themanwhocansmilewhenthingsgowronghasthoughtofsomeonehecan
blameiton.

Jones'Motto
Friendsmaycomeandgo,butenemiesaccumulate.
McClaughry'sCodicilonJones'sMotto:Tomakeanenemy,dosomeonea
favor.
Jones'sPrinciple
Needsareafunctionofwhatotherpeoplehave.
Joslyn'sLawofConferences
Themostinterestingpaperwillbepresentedatthesametimeasthesecondmost
interestingpaper.
JournalisticPrinciple
Ifaheadlineendsinaquestionmark,theanswerisno.
Juhani'sLaw
Thecompromisewillalwaysbemoreexpensivethaneitherofthesuggestionsit's
compromising.
Julia'sLawofKitchenofConfusion
Onceadishisfouledup,anythingaddedtosaveitwillonlymakeitworse.
Julian'sLaw
Ifitsays"onesizefitsall,"itdoesn'tfitanyone.

K
Kafka'sLaw
Inthefightbetweenyouandtheworld,backtheworld.
Kamin'sLaws(Banin'sLaws)
1. Allcurrencieswilldecreaseinvalueandpurchasingpoweroverthelongterm,
unlesstheyarefreelyandfullyconvertableintogoldandthatgoldistradedfreely
withoutrestrictionsofanykind.
2. Threatofcapitalcontrolsacceleratesmarginalcapitaloutflows.
3. Combinedtotaltaxationfromalllevelsofgovernmentwillalwaysincrease(untilthe
governmentisreplacedbywarorrevolution).
4. Governmentinflationisalwaysworsethanstatisticsindicate:centralbankersare
biasedtowardinflationwhenthemoneyunitisnonconvertible,andwithoutgoldor
silverbacking.
5. Purchasingpowerofcurrencyisalwayslostfarmorerapidlythaneverregained.
(Thosewhoexpectevenfluctuationsinbothdirectionsplayalosinggame.)
6. Whenattemptingtopredictandforecastmacroeconomicmovesoreconomic
legislationbyapolitician,neverbemisledbywhathesaysinsteadwatchwhathe
does.
7. Politicianswillalwaysinflatewhengiventheopportunity.
Kamin'sLawsofeconomics
1. Allcurrencieswilldecreaseinvalueandpurchasingpoweroverthelongterm,
unlesstheyarefreelyandfullyconvertibleintogoldandthatgoldistradedfreely

2.
3.
4.
5.

withoutrestrictionsofanykind.
Threatofcapitalcontrolsacceleratesmarginalcapitaloutflows.
Combinedtotaltaxationfromalllevelsofgovernmentwillalwaysincrease(untilthe
governmentisreplacedbywarorrevolution).
Governmentinflationisalwaysworsethanstatisticsindicate:centralbankersare
biasedtowardinflationwhenthemoneyunitisnonconvertible,andwithoutgoldor
silverbacking.
Purchasingpowerofcurrencyisalwayslostfarmorerapidlythaneverregained.
(Thosewhoexpectevenfluctuationsinbothdirectionsplayalosinggame.)

Kaplan'sLawoftheInstrument
Giveasmallboyahammerandhewillfindthateverythingheencountersneeds
pounding.
Katz'sLaw
Men,womenandnationswillactrationallywhenallotherpossibilitieshavebeen
exhausted.
Katz'sMaxims
1. Wherearethecalculationsthatgowiththecalculatedrisk?
2. Inventingiseasyforstaffoutfits.Statingaproblemismuchharder.Insteadof
statingproblems,peopleliketopassouthalfaccuratestatementstogetherwith
halfavailablesolutionswhichtheycan'tfinishandwhichtheywantyoutofinish.
3. Everyorganizationisselfperpetuating.Don'teveraskanoutfittojustifyitself,or
you'llbecoveredwithfacts,figures,andfancy.Thecriterionshouldratherbe,"What
willhappeniftheoutfitstopsdoingwhatit'sdoing?"Thevalueofanorganizationis
moreeasilydeterminedthisway.
4. Trytofindoutwho'sdoingthework,notwho'swritingaboutit,controllingit,or
summarizingit.
5. Watchoutforformalbriefingstheyoftenproduceanavalanche(ahighlevelsnow
jobofmassiveandoverwhelmingproportions).
6. Thedifficultyofthecoordinationtaskoftenblindsonetothefactthatafully
coordinatedpieceofpaperisnotsupposedtobeeitherthemajororthefinal
productoftheorganization,butitoftenturnsoutthatway.
7. Mostorganizationscan'tholdmorethanoneideaatatime.Thuscomplementary
ideasarealwaysregardedascompetetive.Further,likeaquantizedpendulum,an
organizationcanjumpfromoneextremetotheother,withoutevergoingthroughthe
middle.
8. Trytofindtherealtenseofthereportyouarereading:Wasitdone,isitbeingdone,
orisitsomethingtobedone?Reportsarenowwritteninfourtenses:pasttense,
presenttense,futuretense,andpretense.Watchfornovelusesof"contractor
grammar",definedbytheimperfectpast,theinsufficientpresent,andtheabsolutely
perfectfuture.
Keiko'sLawofGolf
Theonlywaytoavoidhittingatreeistoaimatit.
Kelley'sLaw
Lastguysdon'tfinishnice.
Kelly'sLaw

Anexecutivewillalwaysreturntoworkfromlunchearlyifnoonetakeshim.
Kennedy'sLaw
Excessiveofficialrestraintsoninformationareinevitablyselfdefeatingand
productiveofheadachesfortheofficialsconcerned.
Kensington'sLawofShoemaking
Nomatterhowlongittakesforyoutogetbacktopickuptheshoestheshoemaker
willtellyouthattheywon'tbereadyuntiltomorrow.
Kensington'sObservation
Thetwomostcommonelementsintheuniversearehydrogenandstupidity.
Kent'sLaw
Theonlywayareportershouldlookatapoliticianisdown.
KerrMartinLaw
1. IndealingwiththeirOWNproblems,facultymembersarethemostextreme
conservatives.
2. IndealingwithOTHERpeople'sproblems,theyaretheworld'smostextreme
liberals.
Kettering'sLaws
1. Ifyouwanttokillanyideaintheworldtoday,getacommitteeworkingonit.
2. Ifyouhavealwaysdoneitthatway,itisprobablywrong.
KeytoStatus
S=D/K.Sisthestatusofapersoninanorganization,Disthenumberofdoorshe
mustopentoperformhisjob,andKisthenumberofkeyshecarries.Ahigher
numberdenoteshigherstatus.Thusthejanitorneedstoopen20doorsandhas20
keys(S=1),asecretaryhastoopentwodoorswithonekey(S=2),butthe
presidentneverhastocarryanykeyssincethereisalwayssomeonearoundto
opendoorsforhim(withK=0andahighD,hisSreachesinfinity).
KeyesRulesofMisquotation
Axiom1.Anyquotationthatcanbealteredwillbe.
Corollary1A:Vividwordshookmisquotesinthemind.
Corollary1B:Numbersarehardtokeepstraight.
Corollary1C:Smallchangescanhaveabigimpact(or:whatadifferenceana
makes).
Corollary1D:Ifnotedfiguresdon'tsaywhatneedstobesaid,we'llsayitfor
them.
Corollary1E:Journalistsarealessthandependablesourceofaccurate
quotes.
Corollary1F:Famousdeadpeoplemakeexcellentcommentatorsoncurrent
events.
Axiom2.Famousquotesneedfamousmouths.
Corollary2A:Wellknownmessengersgetcreditforclevercommentsthey
reportfromlesscelebratedmouths.
Corollary2B:Particularlyquotablefiguresreceivemorethantheirshareof
quotablequotes.

Corollary2C:Commentsmadeaboutsomeonemightaswellhavebeensaid
bythatperson.
Corollary2D:Whoyouthinksaidsomethingmaydependonwhereyoulive.
Corollary2E:Vintagequotesareconsideredtobeinthepublicdomain.
Corollary2F:Inapinch,anyorphanquotecanbecalledaChineseproverb.
Kharasch'sInstitutionalImperative
Everyactionordecisionofaninstitutionmustbeintendedtokeeptheinstitution
machineryworking.
CorollaryTheexpertjudgmentofaninstitution,whenthematterinvolved
concernscontinuationoftheinstitution'soperations,istotallypredictable,andhence
thefindingistotallyworthless.
Kibitzer'sConstant
Whenyoucan'tdiscoverthecauseofabreakdown,allofthefreeadviceyouget
willbeforthingsyou'vealreadychecked.
Kirkland'sLaw
Theusefulnessofanymeetingisininverseproportiontotheattendance.
Kitman'sLaw
OntheTVscreen,puredriveltendstodriveoffordinarydrivel.
Klipstein'sLament
Allwarrantyandguaranteeclausesarevoidedbypaymentoftheinvoice.
Klipstein'sLaw
Toleranceswillaccumulateunidirectionallytowardmaximumdifficultyofassembly.
Klipstein'sLawofSpecifications
Inspecifications,Murphy'sLawsupersedesOhm's.
Klipstein'sLaws
AppliedtoGeneralEngineering:
1. Apatentapplicationwillbeprecededbyoneweekbyasimilarapplication
madebyanindependentworker.
2. Firmnessofdeliverydatesisinverselyproportionaltothetightnessofthe
schedule.
3. Dimensionswillalwaysbeexpressedintheleastusableterm.Velocity,for
example,willbeexpressedinfurlongsperfortnight.
4. Anywirecuttolengthwillbetooshort.
AppliedtoPrototypingandProduction:
1. Toleranceswillaccumulateunidirectionallytowardmaximumdifficultyto
assemble.
2. Ifaprojectrequiresncomponents,therewillben1unitsinstock.
3. Amotorwillrotateinthewrongdirection.
4. Afailsafecircuitwilldestroyothers.
5. Atransistorprotectedbyafastactingfusewillprotectthefusebyblowingfirst.
6. Afailurewillnotappearuntilaunithaspassedfinalinspection.
7. Apurchasedcomponentorinstrumentwillmeetitsspecslongenough,and
onlylongenough,topassincominginspection.

8. Afterthelastof16mountingscrewshasbeenremovedfromanaccesscover,
itwillbediscoveredthatthewrongaccesscoverhasbeenremoved.
9. Afteranaccesscoverhasbeensecuredby16holddownscrews,itwillbe
discoveredthatthegaskethasbeenomitted.
10. Afteraninstrumenthasbeenassembled,extracomponentswillbefoundon
thebench.
Klipstein'sObservation
Anyproductcuttolengthwillbetooshort.
Knight'sLaw
Lifeiswhathappenstoyouwhileyouaremakingotherplans.
Knoll'sLawofMediaAccuracy
Everythingyoureadinthenewspapersisabsolutelytrueexceptforthatrarestoryof
whichyouhappentohavefirsthandknowledge.
Knowles'sLawofLegislativeDeliberation
Thelengthofdebatevariesinverselywiththecomplexityoftheissue.
Corollary:Whentheissueistrivial,andeveryoneunderstandsit,debateisalmost
interminable.
Kohn'sSecondLaw
Anyexperimentisreproducibleuntilanotherlaboratorytriestorepeatit.
KonradsObservationsonCapitalism
1. Thereisnosuchthingasa"dirtycapitalist",onlyacapitalist.
2. Capitalismcanexistinoneofonlytwostateswelfareorwarfare.Anythingis
possible,butnothingiseasy.
Koppett'sLaw
Whatevercreatesthegreatestinconvenienceforthelargestnumbermusthappen.
Korman'sconclusion
Thetroublewithresistingtemptationisitmaynevercomeyourwayagain.
Kovac'sConundrum
Whenyoudialawrongnumber,younevergetabusysiginal.
Kristol'sLaw
Beingfrustratedisdisagreeable,buttherealdisastersinlifebeginwhenyouget
whatyouwant.
Krueger'sObservation
Ataxpayerissomeonewhodoesnothavetotakeacivilserviceexaminorderto
workforthegovernment.

L
LaRochefoucauld'sLaw

Itismoreshamefultodistrustone'sfriendsthantobedeceivedbythem.
LaborLaw
Adisagreeablelawisitsownreward.
FirstLawofLaboratoryWork
Hotglasslooksexactlythesameascoldglass.
LaCombe'sRuleofPercentages
Theincidenceofanythingworthwhileiseither1525percentor8090percent.
Corollary(Dudenhoefer)Ananswerof50percentwillsufficeforthe4060range.
Lafayette'sReprisal
Thesqueakywheelgetsreplaced.
Laird'sLaw
ToothachetendstostartonSaturdaynight.
Lamb'slawofcarpurchasing
Ifyoubuyyourfirstnewcarinfifteenyears,nextyearstheywillintroduceanew
modelwithtwentysevennewfeaturesneverseenonacarbeforeandthe
introductorypriceofthecarwillbeelevenhundreddollarslessthanyoupaidfor
yours.
Landlord'sDilemmas
1. Thehotwaterheaterpumpthatfailswillonlydosoafter5:00P.M.onFriday
eveningwheneverytenantinthebuildingishavingadinnerparty.
2. Thenextday,theonlysupplierintownthatstockspartsforthepumptellsyouthat
thewidgetneededtofixitisinawarehouseinClevelandandthewarehousemen
therehavebeenonstrikeforseventeenweeks.
3. Youareforcedtobuyasecondrateheaterandpump[soldonlyasapackage]for
sixhundredandfiftydollars,andhaveitinstalledbyaplumberatdoubletimerates
onSundaymorning.
4. OnMondayat9:00:A.M.thestrikeissettled.
5. OnMondayat9:15:A.M.thehardwarestoreownercallsandsayshehasfounda
boxcontainingthirtysevenwidgetsonashelfinhisbackroomandhewillsellone
toyouattheoldpriceoftencents.
Langin'sLaw
Ifthingswerelefttochance,they'dbebetter
Langsam'sSecondLaw
Everythingdepends.
Lani'sPrinciplesofEconomics
1. Taxesarenotleviedforthebenefitofthetaxed.
2. $100placedat7%interestcompoundedquarterlyfor200yearswillincreaseto
morethan$100,000,000bywhichtimeitwillbeworthnothing.
3. InGodwetrustallotherspaycash.
Larkinson'sLaw
Alllawsarebasicallyfalse.

Larrimer'sConstant
Whatthisworldneedsisadamnedgoodplague.
Larsen'sObservations
1. Askingdumbquestions.Iseasierthancorrectingdumbmistakes.
2. Hewhohesitatesisprobablyright.
3. Whenallelsefailstrytheboss'ssuggestions.
LasVegas'sAxioms
1. Itismorallywrongtoallowsuckerstokeeptheirmoney
2. ASmithandWessonbeatsaroyalflush.
TheLastLaw
Ifseveralthingsthatcouldhavegonewrongdidnotgowrong,itwouldultimately
havebeenbetteriftheyhadgonewrong.
delaLastra'sLaw
Afterthelastof16mountingscrewshasbeenremovedfromanaccesscover,itwill
bediscoveredthatthewrongaccesscoverhasbeenremoved.
delaLastra'sCorollary
Afteranaccesscoverhasbeensecuredby16holddownscrews,itwillbe
discoveredthatthegaskethasbeenomitted.
LawofLateComer
Thosewhohavetheshortestdistancetotravelinvariablyarrivelatest.
LawofLateComers
Thosewhohavetheshortestdistancetotravelinvariablyarrivelatest.
Laura'sLaw
Nochildthrowsupinthebathroom.
LawofLawmaking
Thosewhoexpressrandomthoughtstolegislativecommitteesareoftensurprised
andappalledtofindthemselvestheinstigatorsoflaw.
LawsofAppliedConfusion
1. Theonepiecethattheplantforgottoshipistheonethatsupports75%ofthe
balanceoftheshipment.
CorollaryNotonlydidtheplantforgettoshipit,50%ofthetimetheyhaven'teven
madeit.
2. Truckdeliveriesthatnormallytakeonedaywilltakefivewhenyouarewaitingfor
thetruck.
3. Afteraddingtwoweekstothescheduleforunexpecteddelays,addtwomoreforthe
unexpected,unexpecteddelays.
4. Inanystructure,pickouttheonepiecethatshouldnotbemismarkedandexpect
theplanttocrossyouup.
Corollaries:
1. Inanygroupofpieceswiththesameerectionmarkonit,oneshouldnothavethat
markonit.
2. Itwillnotbediscovereduntilyoutrytoputitwherethemarksaysit'ssupposedto

go.
3. Neverarguewiththefabricatingplantaboutanerror.Theinspectionprintsareall
checkedoff,eventotheholesthataren'tthere.
LawsofComputabilityasAppliedtoSocialScience
1. Anysystemorprogram,howevercomplicated,iflookedatinexactlytherightway,
willbecomeevenmorecomplicated.
2. Ifatfirstyoudon'tsucceed,transformyourdataset.
LawsofDormitoryLife
1. Theamountoftrashaccumulatedwithinthespaceoccupiedisexponentially
proportionaltothenumberoflivingbodiesthatenterandleavewithinanygiven
amountoftime.
2. Sincenomattercanbecreatedordestroyed(excludingnuclearandcafeteria
substances),asoneattemptstoremoveunwantedmaterial(i.e.,trash)fromone's
livingspace,theremainingmaterialmutatessoastooccupy30to50percentmore
thanitsoriginalvolume.
CorollaryDustbreeds.
3. Theoddsare6:5thatifonehaslateclasses,one'sroommatewillhavethe
EARLIESTpossibleclasses.
Corollary1:One'sroommate(whohasearlyclasses)hasanalarmclockthatis
louderthanGod'sown.
Corollary2:Whenonehasanearlyclass,one'sroommatewillinvariablyenterthe
spacelateatnightandsuddenlybecomehyperactive,ill,violent,orallthree.
LawsofFashionandFads
1. Indecent10yearsbeforeitstime,
2. Daring1yearbeforeitstime,
3. Chicinitstime,
4. Dowdy3yearsafteritstime,
5. Hideous20yearsafteritstime,
6. Amusing30yearsafteritstime,
7. Romantic100yearsafteritstime,
8. Beautiful150yearsafteritstime.
LawsofGardening
1. Otherpeople'stoolsworkonlyinotherpeople'syards.
2. Fancygizmosdon'twork.
3. Ifnobodyusesit,there'sareason.
4. Yougetthemostofwhatyouneedtheleast.
LawsofGovernment
1. Ifanythingcangowrong,itwilldoso,intriplicate.
2. Thingsgorightsotheycangowrong.
3. Menandnationswillactresponsiblywhenallotherpossibilitieshavebeen
exhausted.
4. Lifelibertyorpropertyarenotsafewhilethelegislatureisinsession.
LawsofInstitutionalFood
1. Everythingiscoldexceptwhatshouldbe.
2. Everything,includingthecornflakes,isgreasy.

LawsofProcrastination
1. Procrastinationshortensthejobandplacestheresponsibilityforitsterminationon
someoneelse(theauthoritywhoimposedthedeadline).
2. Itreducesanxietybyreducingtheexpectedqualityoftheprojectfromthebestofall
possibleeffortstothebestthatcanbeexpectedgiventhelimitedtime.
3. Statusisgainedintheeyesofothers,andinone'sowneyes,becauseitisassumed
thattheimportanceoftheworkjustifiesthestress.
4. Avoidanceofinterruptionsincludingtheassignmentofotherdutiescanbeachieved,
sothattheobviouslystressedworkercanconcentrateonthesingleeffort.
5. Procrastinationavoidsboredomoneneverhasthefeelingthatthereisnothing
importanttodo.
6. Itmayeliminatethejobiftheneedpassesbeforethejobcanbedone.
LawsofRevision
1. Themoreinnocuousthemodificationappearstobe,thefurtheritsinfluencewill
extendandthemoreplanswillhavetoberedrawn.
2. If,whencompletionofadesignisimminent,fielddimensionsarefinallysuppliedas
theyactuallyare,insteadofastheyweremeanttobe,itwillbeeasiertostartall
over.
3. Afterpainstakingandcarefulanalysisofasample,youarealwaystoldthatitisthe
wrongsampleanddoesn'tapplytotheproblem.
CorollaryItisusuallyimpracticaltoworrybeforehandaboutinterferencesifyou
havenone,someonewillmakeoneforyou.
LawsofSerendipity
1. Inordertodiscoveranythingyoumustbelookingforsomething.
2. Ifyouwishtomakeanimprovedproduct,youmustalreadybeengagedinmaking
aninferiorone.
LawsofTelephoneDynamics
1. Thephonecallyou'vebeenwaitingforcomestheminuteyoucloseandlockthe
doorandstartwalkingdownstairsorwhenyouhavejustcomfortablyimmersedyour
entirebodyinatubfullofwater.
2. Whomeveryoucallwillalwayshavejustleftfortheday,oneminuteago.
3. Younevergetabusysignalwhenyoudialawrongnumber.
LawsoftheFrisbee
1. Themostpowerfulforceintheworldisthatofadiscstrainingtolandunderacar,
justbeyondreach.(Thetechnicaltermforthisforceis"carsuck".)
2. Thehigherthequalityofacatchorthecommentitreceives,thegreaterthe
probabilityofacrummyreturnthrow.("Goodcatch...Badthrow.")
3. Onemustneverprecedeanymaneuverbyacommentmorepredictivethan,"Watch
this!"(Keep'emguessing.)
4. Thehigherthecostsofhittinganyobject,thegreaterthecertaintyitwillbestruck.
(Remember:Thediskispositivecopsandoldladiesareclearlynegative.)
5. Thebestcatchesareneverseen.("Didyouseethat?""Seewhat?")
6. Thegreatestsingleaidtodistanceisforthedisctobegoinginadirectionyoudid
notwant.(Wrongway=longway.)
7. Themostpowerfulhexwordsinthesportare:"Ireallyhavethisdownwatch."
(Knowit?Blowit!)
8. Inanycrowdofspectatorsatleastonewillsuggestthatrazorbladescouldbe

attachedtothedisc.("Youcouldmaimandkillwiththatthing.")
9. Thegreateryourneedtomakeagoodcatch,thegreatertheprobabilityyourpartner
willdeliverhisworstthrow.(Ifyoucan'ttouchit,youcan'ttrickit.)
10. Thesinglemostdifficultmovewithadiscistoputitdown.("Justonemore!")
LawsofUnderstanding
1. Lifecanonlybeunderstoodbackwards,butitmustbelivedforwards.
2. Nomatterwhatgoeswrong,thereisalwayssomebodywhoknewitwould.
Lawson'sParadox
Theaveragewomanwouldratherbebeautifulthansmartbecausetheaverageman
seesbetterthanhethinks.
Lawyer'sRule
Whenthelawisagainstyou,arguethefacts.Whenthefactsareagainstyou,argue
thelaw.Whenbothareagainstyou,calltheotherlawyernames.
LeChatelier'sLaw
Ifsomestressisbroughttobearonasysteminequilibrium,theequilibriumis
displacedinthedirectionwhichtendstoundotheeffectofthestress.
LePelley'sLaw
Thebiggertheman,thelesslikelyheistoobjecttocaricature.
Leahy'sLaw
Ifathingisdonewrongoftenenough,itbecomesright.
CorollaryVolumeisadefensetoerror.
Lee'sAxioms
1. Nobooksarelostbylendingexceptthoseyouparticularlywantedtokeep.
2. Thebookyoubuytodayfor$17.95willcomeouttomorrowinpaperback.
LeftyGomez'sPrincipleofProductiveProcrastination
Theycan'thititwhileI'mstandinghereholdingit.
Lenin'sLaw
Wheneverthecauseofthepeopleisentrustedtoprofessors,itislost.
LesMiserablesMetalaw
Alllaws,whethergood,bad,orindifferent,mustbeobeyedtotheletter.
Levy'sEighthLaw
Noamountofgeniuscanovercomeapreoccupationwithdetail.
Levy'sLawsofResearch
1. Tostealideasfromonepersonisplagiarismtostealfrommanyisresearch.
2. Nobodynoticesthebigflawinyourresearchuntilareporterforthemostrespected
professionaljournalinyourfieldarrivestointerviewyou.
Levy'sLawsoftheDisillusionmentoftheTrueLiberal
1. Largenumbersofthingsaredetermined,andthereforenotsubjecttochange.
2. Anticipatedeventsneverliveuptoexpectations.

3. Thatsegmentofthecommunitywithwhichonehasthegreatestsympathyasa
liberalinevitablyturnsouttobeoneofthemostnarrowmindedandbigoted
segmentsofthecommunity.
4. Alwayspraythatyouroppositionbewicked.Inwickednessthereisastrongstrain
towardrationality.Thereforethereisalwaysthepossibility,intheory,ofhandlingthe
wickedbyoutthinkingthem.
Levy'sTenLawsoftheDisillusionmentoftheTrueLiberal
1. Largenumbersofthingsaredetermined,andthereforenotsubjecttochange.
2. Anticipatedeventsneverliveuptoexpectations.
3. Thatsegmentofthecommunitywithwhichonehasthegreatestsympathyasa
liberalinevitablyturnsouttobeoneofthemostnarrowmindedandbigoted
segmentsofthecommunity.
4. Alwayspraythatyouroppositionbewicked.Inwickednessthereisastrongstrain
towardrationality.Thereforethereisalwaysthepossibility,intheory,ofhandlingthe
wickedbyoutthinkingthem.
Corollary1:Goodintentionsrandomizebehavior.
Corollary2:Goodintentionsarefarmoredifficulttocopewiththanmaliciousintent.
Corollary3:Ifgoodintentionsarecombinedwithstupidity,itisimpossibleto
outthinkthem.
Corollary4:Anydiscoveryismorelikelytobeexploitedbythewickedthanapplied
bythevirtuous.
5. Inunanimitythereiscowardiceanduncriticalthinking.
6. Tohaveasenseofhumoristobeatragicfigure.
7. Toknowthyselfistheultimateformofaggression.
8. Noamountofgeniuscanovercomeapreoccupationwithdetail.
9. OnlyGodcanmakearandomselection.
10. Eternalboredomisthepriceofconstantvigilance.
Lewis'sLaws
1. Peoplewillbuyanythingthat'sonetoacustomer.
2. Nomatterhowlongorhowhardyoushopforanitem,afteryou'veboughtititwillbe
onsalesomewherecheaper.
LawofLibraries
Nomatterwhichbookyouneed,it'sonthebottomshelf.
LawofTheLie
Nomatterhowoftenthelieisshowntobefalse,therewillstillremainapercentage
ofpeoplewhobelieveittobetrue.
Liebermann'sLaw
Everybodyliesbutitdoesn'tmattersincenobodylistens.
Liebling'sLaw
Ifyoujusttrylongenoughandhardenough,youcanalwaysmanagetoboot
yourselfintheposterior.
Lilly'sMegalaw
Alllawsaresimulationsofreality.

Lilly'sMetalaw
Alllawsaresimulationsofreality.
Lawofliving
Assoonasyou'redoingwhatyouwantedtobedoing,youwanttobedoing
somethingelse.
LloydJones'sLawofLeftovers
Theamountoflitteronthestreetisproportionaltothelocalrateofunemployment.
LawofLocalAnesthesia
Neversay"oops"intheoperatingroom.
Locksmith'sDilemma
Theprobabilityofhavingsomeoneclosethesafeandspinthedialwhileyouhave
thebackofthelockoffwillvarydirectlywiththesquareofthenumberofpeopleyou
tellnottotouchthesafewhileyougetsomethingoutofthetruck.
LoehmannonLoss
1. Ifwelosemuchbyhavingthingsgowrong,takeallpossiblecare.
2. Ifwehavenothingtolosebychange,relax.
3. Ifwehaveeverythingtogainbychange,relax.
4. Ifitdoesn'tmatter,itdoesnotmatter.
Loman'slawofproductdesign
Ifyoucan'tfixit,featureit.
(F)lawofLongRangePlanning
Thelongeraheadyouplanaspecialevent,andthemorespecialitis,themore
likelyitistogowrong.
LordFalkland'sRule
Whenitisnotnecessarytomakeadecision,itisnecessarynottomakeadecision.
LosAngelesDodgersLaw
Waittilllastyear.
LawoftheLostInch
Indesigninganytypeofconstruction,nooveralldimensioncanbetotalledcorrectly
after4:40p.m.onFriday.
Corollaries:
1. Underthesameconditions,ifanyminordimensionsaregiventosixteenthsof
aninch,theycannotbetotalledatall.
2. Thecorrecttotalwillbecomeselfevidentat9:01a.m.onMonday.
Louie's"IF"Rules
1. Ifitain'tnobigdeal,don'tworryaboutit.
2. Ifyoucan'tdoanythingaboutit,don'tworryaboutit.
3. Ifit'ssomeoneelse'sproblem,don'tworryaboutit.
4. Ifit'seasilyfixed,itdon'tmatterwhosefaultitwas.
5. Ifit'sdoneit'sdone,ifitcan'tbeundonedon'tworryaboutit.
6. Ifthere'snodamage,don'tmakeaprojectoutofit.

LawofLove
Adandelionfromalovermeansmorethananorchidfromafriend.
Low'sFirstLawofManagement
Somepeoplemanagebythebookeventhoughtheydon'tknowwhowrotethebook
orevenwhatbook.
Lowry'sAdditionalLie
I'veneverdonethisbefore.
Lowrey'sLaw
Ifitjamsforceit.
Ifitbreaks,itneededreplacinganyway.
Lowrey'sLawofExpertis
Justwhenyougetreallygoodatsomething,youdon'tneedtodoitanymore.
Lowrey'sLawofExpertise
Justwhenyougetreallygoodatsomething,youdon'tneedtodoitanymore.
Lubarsky'sLawofCyberneticEntomology
There'salwaysonemorebug.
Lubin'sLaw
Ifanotherscientistthoughtyourresearchwasmoreimportantthanhis,hewould
dropwhatheisdoinganddowhatyouaredoing.
Luce'sLaw
Nogooddeedgoesunpunished.
LucyVanPelt'sObservation
Theremustbeonedayaboveallothersineachlifethatisthehappiest.
CorollaryWhatifyou'vealreadyhadit?
Lucy'sLaws
1. Thealternativetogettingoldisdepressing.
2. Nogooddeedgoesunpunished.
Luten'sLaws
1. Whenproperlyadministered,vacationsdonotdiminishproductivity:foreveryweek
you'reawayandgetnothingdone,there'sanotherweekwhenyourbossisaway
andyougettwiceasmuchdone.
2. It'snotsohardtoliftyourselfbyyourbootstrapsonceyou'reofftheground.
Lyall'sConjecture
Ifacomputercablehasoneend,thenithasanother.
Lyall'sFundamentalObservation
Themostimportantlegofathreeleggedstoolistheonethat'smissing.
Lydia'sAxiom
Nothingisastemporaryasthatwhichiscalledpermanent.
CorollaryNothingisaspermanentasthatwhichiscalledtemporary.

Lynch'sLaw
Whenthegoinggetstough,everybodyleaves.
Lyndonsprincipal
Thelightattheendofthetunnelistheheadlampofanoncomingtrain.
Lyon'sLawofHesitation
Hewhohesitatesislast.

M
MacDonald'sSecondLaw
Consultantsaremysticalpeoplewhoaskacompanyforanumberandgiveitback
tothem.
Macpherson'sTheoryofEntropy
Itrequireslessenergytotakeanobjectoutofit'sproperplacethantoputitback.
Madison'sQuestion
IfyouhavetotravelonaTitanic,whynotgofirstclass?
MaeWest'sObservation
Toerrishuman,butitfeelsterrific.
Mahr'sLawofRestrainedInvolvement
Don'tgetanyonyou.
Maier'sLaw
Ifthefactsdonotconformtothetheory,theymustbedisposedof.
Corollaries:
1. Thebiggerthetheory,thebetter.
2. Theexperimentmaybeconsideredasuccessifnomorethan50%ofthe
observedmeasurementsmustbediscardedtoobtainacorrespondencewith
thetheory.(CompensationCorollary)
Main'sLaw
Foreveryactionthereisanequalandoppositegovernmentprogram.
Malek'sLaw
Anysimpleideawillbewordedinthemostcomplicatedway.
Malinowski'sLaw
Lookingfromfarabove,fromourhighplacesofsafetyinthedevelopedcivilization,
itiseasytoseeallthecrudityandirrelevanceofmagic.
Malloy'sMaxim
Thefactthatmonkeyshavehandsshouldgiveuspause.
ManagementTruths
1. Thinkbeforeyouactit'snotyourmoney.

2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.

Allgoodmanagementistheexpressionofonegreatidea.
Noexecutivedevotesefforttoprovinghimselfwrong.
Cashinmustexceedcashout.
Managementcapabilityisalwayslessthantheorganizationactuallyneeds.
Eitheranexecutivecandohisjoborhecan't.
Ifsophisticatedcalculationsareneededtojustifyanaction,don'tdoit.
Ifyouaredoingsomethingwrong,youwilldoitbadly.
Ifyouareattemptingtheimpossible,youwillfail.
Theeasiestwayofmakingmoneyistostoplosingit.
Organizationsalwayshavetoomanymanagers.

Manley'sMaxim
Logicisasystematicmethodofcomingtothewrongconclusionwithconfidence.
MargaretMead'sLawofHumanMigration
Atleastfiftypercentofthehumanracedoesn'twanttheirmotherinlawwithin
walkingdistance.
MarkMiller'sExceptiontoCrane'sLaw
Thereareno"freelunches",butsometimesitcostsmoretocollectmoneythanto
giveawayfood.
Mark'smark
Loveisamatterofchemistrysexisamatterofphysics.
Mark'sObservation
Loveisamatterofchemistrysexisamatterofphysics.
Marshall'sGeneralizedIcebergTheorem
Seveneighthsofeverythingcan'tbeseen.
Marshall'sUniversalLawsofPerpetualPerceptualObfuscation
1. Nobodyperceivesanythingwithtotalaccuracy.
2. Notwopeopleperceivethesamethingidentically.
3. Fewperceivewhatdifferenceitmakesorcare.
Martha'sMaxim
IfGodhadmeantforustotraveltouristclass,Hewouldhavemadeusnarrower.
Martin'sExclusion
Committeereportsdealingwithwages,salaries,fringebenefits,facilities,
computers,employeeparking,libraries,coffeebreaks,secretarialsupport,etc.,
alwayscallfordramaticexpenditureincreases.
Martin'sLawofCommittees
Allcommitteereportsconcludethat"itisnotprudenttochangethepolicy(or
procedure,ororganization,orwhatever)atthistime."
Martin'sExclusion:Committeereportsdealingwithwages,salaries,fringe
benefits,facilities,computers,employeeparking,libraries,coffeebreaks,secretarial
support,etc.,alwayscallfordramaticexpenditureincreases.
Martin'sLawofCommunication

Theinevitableresultofimprovedandenlargedcommunicationbetweendifferent
levelsinahierarchyisavastlyincreasedareaofmisunderstanding.
Martin'sLawsofAcademia
1. Thefacultyexpandsitsactivitytofitwhateverspaceisavailable,sothatmorespace
isalwaysrequired.
2. Facultypurchasesofequipmentandsuppliesalwaysincreasetomatchthefunds
available,sothesefundsareneveradequate.
3. Theprofessionalqualityofthefacultytendstobeinverselyproportionaltothe
importanceitattachestospaceandequipment.
Martin'sMinimaxMaxim
Everyoneknowsthatthenameofthegameistolettheotherguyhaveallofthe
littletatsandtokeepallofthebigtitsforyourself.
Martin'sPrincipleofDesignInertia
Anychangelooksterribleatfirst.
MartinBerthelotPrinciple
Ofallpossiblecommitteereactionstoanygivenagendaitem,thereactionthatwill
occuristheonewhichwillliberatethegreatestamountofhotair.
Mason'sFirstLawofSynergism
Theonedayyou'dsellyoursoulforsomething,soulsareaglut.
Mason'sLawofGastroIntestinalDisorders
Ifyourstomachonlyoccasionallygrowlsitwillhappenonthefirstdatewitha
beautifulwomanyouhavebeentryingtogettogooutwithyouforfivemonths.
Matsch'sLaw
Itisbettertohaveahorribleendingthantohavehorrorswithoutend.
Matsch'sMaxim
Afoolinahighstationislikeamanonthetopofasmallmountain:everything
appearssmalltohimandheappearssmalltoeverybody.
Matz'sWarning
Bewareofthephysicianwhoisgreatatgettingoutoftrouble.
Maugham'sThought
Onlyamediocrepersonisalwaysathisbest.
FirstMaximofComputers
Toerrishuman,buttoreallyscrewthingsuprequiresacomputer.
May'sLaw
Thequalityofthecorrelationisinverselyproportionaltothedensityofthecontrol
(thefewerthefacts,thesmootherthecurves).
May'sMordantMaxim
Auniversityisaplacewheremenofprincipleoutnumbermenofhonor.

Maytag'sRule
Washingmachinesonlybreakdownduringthewashcyclewhentheyarefullof
water.
McCarthy'sLaw
Beinginpoliticsislikebeingafootballcoach.Youhavetobesmartenoughto
understandthegameanddumbenoughtothinkit'simportant.
McClaughry'sLawofPublicPolicy
Politicianswhovotehugeexpenditurestoalleviateproblemsgetreelectedthose
whoproposestructuralchangestopreventproblemsgetearlyretirement.
McClaughry'sLawofZoning
Wherezoningisnotneeded,itwillworkperfectlywhereitisdesperatelyneeded,it
alwaysbreaksdown.
McDonald'sSecondLaw
Consultantsaremysticalpeoplewhoaskacompanyforanumberandgiveitback
tothem.
McGoon'sLaw
Theprobabilityofwinningisinverselyproportionaltotheamountofthewager.
McGovern'sLaw
Thelongerthetitle,thelessimportantthejob.
McGregor'sRevisedMaxim
Theshortestdistancebetweentwopointsisunderconstruction.
McGurk'sLaw
Anyimprobableeventwhichwouldcreatemaximumconfusionifitdidoccur,will
occur.
McIllvenna'sTheoryofWrongness
1. Ifanythingcangowrong,itwill.
2. Ifanythingjustcannotgowrong,itwillanyway.
3. Ifanythingsimplycannotgowrong,itwillanyway.
4. Ifthereisaworsetimeforsomethingtogowrong,itwillhappenthen.
5. Ifeverythingiscomingyourway,you'reinthewronglane.
6. Ifeverythingseemstobegoingwell,youhaveobviouslyoverlookedsomething.
7. Ifeverythingseemstobegoingwell,youobviouslydon'tknowwhat'sgoingon.
8. Ifthereisapossibilityofseveralthingsgoingwrong,theonethatwillcausethe
mostdamagewillbetheonetogowrong.
McKenna'sLaw
Whenyouareright,belogical.Whenyouarewrong,befuddle.
McLaughlin'sLaw
Thelengthofanymeetingisinverselyproportionaltothelengthoftheagendafor
thatmeeting.
McLean'sMaxim

Thereareonlytwoproblemswithpeople.Oneisthattheydon'tthink.Theotheris
thattheydo.
McNaughton'sRule
Anyargumentworthmakingwithinthebureaucracymustbecapableofbeing
expressedinasimpledeclarativesentencethatisobviouslytrueoncestated.
Melcher'sLaw
Inabureaucracy,everyroutingslipwillexpanduntilitcontainsthemaximum
numberofnamesthatcanbetypedinasingleverticalcolumn.
Mencken'sLaw
Thosewhocando.Thosewhocannotteach.Thosewhocannotteach
administrate.
Mencken'sMetalaw
Foreveryhumanproblem,thereisaneat,simplesolutionanditisalwayswrong.
Lawofmentalhealth
Ifyou'refeelinggood,don'tworry,you'llgetoverit.
Merkin'sMaxim
Whenindoubt,predictthatthepresenttrendwillcontinue.
Merrill'sCorollaries
1. Therearenowinnersinlifeonlysurvivors.
2. Inthehighwayoflife,theaveragehappeningisofaboutasmuchtruesignificance
asadeadskunkinthemiddleoftheroad.
Merrill'sLawsofScholarship
1. Neverletyourmajorprofessorknowthatyouexist.
2. Thefinalexamwillbebasedentirelyontheonelectureyoumissedaboutthebook
youdidn'tread.
3. Themorestudyingyoudidfortheexam,thelesssureyouareastowhichanswer
theywant.
4. Whenyouareoccasionallyabletoscheduletwoclassesinarow,theywillbeheld
inclassroomsatoppositeendsofthecampus.
Meskimen'sLaws
1. Whentheywantitbad(inarush),theygetitbad.
2. There'snevertimetodoitright,butalwaystimetodoitover.
Mesta'sLawofParties
Thosewholiveclosestarrivelast.
MeteorologicalLaw
Assoonasthestewardessservescoffee,theairlinerencountersturbulence.
ScientificExplanation
Servingcoffeeonanairlinercausesturbulence.
Meyer'sLaw
Inasocialsituation,thatwhichismostdifficulttodoisusuallytherightthingtodo.

Michehl'sTheorem
Lessismore.
Pastore'sCommentonMichehl'sTheorem
Nothingisultimate.
Mickelson'sLawofFallingObjects
Anyobjectthatisaccidentallydroppedwillhideunderalargerobject.
Miksch'sLaw
Ifastringhasoneend,thenithasanotherend.
Miller'sChristmasCardRule
Afteryou'vemailedyourlastcard,youwillreceiveacardfromsomeoneyou've
overlooked.
Miller'sLaw(Martin'sExtension)
Youcan'ttellhowdeepapuddleisuntilyoustepintoit.
Mills'sLawofTransportationLogistics
Thedistancetothegatefromwhichyourflightdepartsisinverselyproportionalto
thetimeremainingbeforethescheduleddepartureoftheflight.
Corollaries(Woods):
1. Thisremainstrueevenasyourushtocatchtheflight.
2. Fromthisitfollowsthatyouareinvariablyrushingthewrongway.
MiscellaneousPessimisticMusings
1. Thechanceofapieceofbreadfallingdownwiththebutteredsidedownisdirectly
proportionaltothecostofthecarpet.
2. Friendscomeandgo,butenemiesaccumulate.
3. Nomatterhowlongorhardyoushopforanitem,afteryou'veboughtit,itwillbeon
salesomewhereelsecheaper.
4. Naturealwayssideswiththehiddenflaw.
5. Whateverplanonemakes,thereisahiddendifficultysomewhere.
6. Ifyoudonotunderstandaparticularwordinapieceoftechnicalwriting,ignoreit.
Thepiecewillmakeperfectsensewithoutit.
7. ewarethedayinwhichyoudon'thavesomethingtobitchabout.
8. Ifitlookseasyit'stough.Ifitlookstoughit'sdamnwellimpossible.
9. Complexproblemshavesimple,easytounderstand,wronganswers.
10. Ifeverythingiscomingyourway,you'reinthewronglane.
11. Thereisnothingsosmallthatitcan'tbeblownoutofproportion.
12. Ifyou'refeelinggood,don'tworry.You'llgetoverit.
13. Ifpeoplelistenedtothemselvesmoreoften,theywouldtalkless.
MITSLaw(ManInTheStreet)
Thenumberofpeoplewatchingyouisdirectlyproportionaltothestupidityofyour
action.
Mobil'sMaxim
Badregulationbegetsworseregulation.
Moer'sTruism

Thetroublewithmostjobsistheresemblancetobeinginasleddogteam:Noone
getsachangeofscenery,excepttheleaddog.
MoneyMaxim
Moneyisn'teverything.(Itisn'tplentiful,forinstance.)
Montagu'sMaxim
Theideaistodieyoungaslateaspossible.
Montgomery'sMaxim
Ifatfirstyoudon'tsucceedreadthemanual.
MoreofMurphy'sLaws
Hereisnolimittohowbadthingscanget.Thereisnojobsosimplethatitcannot
bedonewrong.
Morley'sConclusion
Nomanislonelywhileeatingspaghetti.
Morley'sConclusion
Nomanislonelywhileeatingspaghetti.
Morner'sRuleofThumb
Experiencevariesdirectlywithequipmentruined.
Morton'sLaw
Ifratsareexperimentedupon,theywilldevelopcancer.("Whatthiscountryneeds
aresomestrongerwhiterats.")
Mosher'sLaw
It'sbettertoretiretoosoonthantoolate.
MotherSigafoos'sObservation
Amanshouldbegreaterthansomeofhisparts.
Mother'sLaws
1. Youcan'tfalloffthefloor.(ittakeschildrenthreeyearstolearnthislaw.)
2. Achildwillnotspillonadirtyfloor.
3. Anychildwhochattersnonstopathomewilladamantlyrefusetoutterawordwhen
requestedtodemonstrateforanaudience.
4. Anunbreakabletoyisusefulforbreakingothertoys.
MotorVehiclePostulate
Eightypercentofallpeopleconsiderthemselvestobeaboveaveragedrivers.
Motorist'sAxioms
1. Thedriverinfrontofyouwantstogofivemilesperhourslowerthanyou.
2. Whenyou'renotinahurry,thetrafficlightwillturngreenassoonasyourvehicle
comestoacompletestop.
3. Youneverreallylearntoswearuntilyoulearntodrive.
4. Yourowncarusesmoregasandoilthananyoneelse's.
5. Fourwheeldrivejustmeansgettingstuckinmoreinaccessibleplaces.
6. Ashortcutisthelongestdistancebetweentwopoints.

Mr.Cole'sAxiom
Thesumoftheintelligenceontheplanetisaconstantthepopulationisgrowing.
Mr.Cooper'sLaw
Ifyoudonotunderstandaparticularwordinapieceoftechnicalwriting,ignoreit.
Thepiecewillmakeperfectsensewithoutit.
Mrs.Parkinson'sLaw
Heatproducedbypressureexpandstofillthemindavailable,fromwhichitcanpass
onlytoacoolermind.
Muir'sLaw
Whenwetrytopickoutanythingbyitself,wefindithitchedtoeverythingelseinthe
universe.
Munnecke'sLaw
Ifyoudon'tsayit,theycan'trepeatit.
MunroesObservation
Commonsenseisnotthatcommon.
Murchison'sLawofMoney
Moneyislikemanure.Ifyouspreaditaround,itdoesalotofgood.Butifyoupileit
upinoneplace,itstinkslikehell.
TheMurphyPhilosophy
Smile,tomorrowwillbeworse.
Murphy'sConstant
Matterwillbedamagedindirectproportiontoitsvalue.
Murphy'sCorollaries
1. Murphy'sLawmaybedelayedorsuspendedforanindefiniteperiodoftime,
providedthatsuchdelayorsuspensionwillresultinagreatercatastropheatalater
date.
2. Themagnitudeofthecatastropheisdirectlyproportionaltothenumberofpeople
watching.
3. Themagnitudeofthecatastropheisexponentiallyproportionaltotheimportanceof
theoccasion.
4. Ifanoutcomehasa50%chanceofoccurring,itsactualprobabilityofhappeningis
inverselyproportionaltothedesirabilityoftheoutcome.
5. IftwocorollariesofMurphy'sLawcontradicteachother,theonewithgreater
potentialfordamagetakesprecedence.
Murphy'sFauxPas
1. Theintensityofanitchisproportionaltotheformalityoftheoccasion.
2. LightclothingattractsdarkcoloredfoodspillsDarkclothingattractslightcolored
foodspills.
3. Theprobabilitythatyouforgetsomebody'snameisdirectlyproportionaltothe
degreetowhichtheywouldfeelinsulted.
4. Otherpeoplewillnotnoticeyoursubtlehints,nomatterhowhardyoutry.
5. Youwillnotnoticeotherpeople'ssubtlehints,nomatterhowhardtheytry.

LawofMurphy'sLaw
Murphy'slawwasnotpropoundedbyMurphy,butbyanothermanwiththesame
name.
Murphy'sLawofCopiers
Thelegibilityofacopyisinverselyproportionaltoitsimportance.
Murphy'sLawofResearch
Enoughresearchwilltendtosupportyourtheory.
Murphy'sLawoftheOpenRoad
Whenthereisaverylongroaduponwhichthereisaonewaybridgeplacedat
random,andthereareonlytwocarsonthatroad,itfollowsthat:(1)thetwocarsare
goinginoppositedirections,and(2)theywillalwaysmeetatthebridge.
Murphy'sLawofThermodynamics
Thingsgetworseunderpressure.
Murphy'sRestatement
Everythinggoeswrongallatonce.
Murray'sConsumerAxioms
1. Neveraskabarberifyouneedahaircut.
2. Neveraskasalesmanifhisisagoodprice.
3. Alwayshirearichattorney.
4. Neverbuyfromarichsalesman.
LawofMuseums
Themostinterestingspecimenwillnotbelabeled.
TheFirstMythofManagement
Itexists.

N
TheN1Law
Ifyouneedfourscrewsforthejob,thefirstthreeareeasytofind.
Nader'sLaw
Thespeedofexitofacivilservantisdirectlyproportionaltothequalityofhis
service.
NASASkylabRule
Don'tdoitifyoucan'tkeepitup.
NASATruisms
1. Researchisreadingtwobooksthathaveneverbeenreadinordertowriteathird
thatwillneverberead.
2. Aconsultantisanordinarypersonalongwayfromhome.
3. Statisticsareahighlylogicalandprecisemethodforsayingahalftruthinaccurately.

LawofNations
Inanunderdevelopedcountry,don'tdrinkthewaterinadevelopedcountry,don't
breathetheair.
NavyLaw
Ifyoucankeepyourheadwhenallaboutyouothersarelosingtheirs,maybeyou
justdon'tunderstandthesituation.
NBC'sAddendumtoMurphy'sLaw
Youneverrunoutofthingsthatcangowrong.
Nef'sLaw
Thereisasolutiontoeveryproblemtheonlydifficultyisfindingit.
Nessen'sLaw
Secretsourcesaremorecredible.
Lawofnewcivicallybackedfootballstadiums
Iftheybuildit,youwillpay.
LawofNewFangledGadgetry
Themostexpensivecomponentistheonethatbreaks.
TheNewMathVersionofMurphy'sLaw
Ifthereisa50/50chanceofsomethinggoingwrong,ninetimesoutoftenitwill.
NewTheoryofRelativity
Howlongaminuteisdependsonwhichsideofthebathroomdooryouareon.
Newman'sLaw
HypocrisyistheVaselineofsocialintercourse.
Newton'sLittleknownSeventhLaw
Abirdinthehandissaferthanoneoverhead.
NicktheGreek'sLaw
Allthingsconsidered,lifeis9to5against.
Nienberg'sLaw
ProgressismadeonalternateFridays.
Nies'sLaw
Theeffortexpendedbythebureaucracyindefendinganyerrorisindirectproportion
tothesizeoftheerror.
NinetyninetyRuleofProjectSchedules
Thefirstninetypercentofthetasktakesninetypercentofthetime,andthelastten
percenttakestheotherninetypercent.
Nixon'sRule
Iftwowrongsdon'tmakearight,trythree.

No.3PencilPrinciple
Makeitsufficientlydifficultforpeopletodosomething,andmostpeoplewillstop
doingit.
CorollaryIfnooneusessomething,itisn'tneeded.
NobelEffect
Thereisnoproposition,nomatterhowfoolish,forwhichadozenNobelsignatures
cannotbecollected.Furthermore,anysuchpetitionisguaranteedpageone
treatmentintheNewYorkTimes.
NobelPrinciple
Onlysomeonewhounderstandssomethingabsolutelycanexplainitsonooneelse
canunderstandit.
Noble'sLawofPoliticalImagery
Allotherthingsbeingequal,abaldmancannotbeelectedPresidentoftheUnited
States.
CorollaryGivenachoicebetweentwobaldpoliticalcandidates,theAmerican
peoplewillvoteforthelessbaldofthetwo.
NonreciprocalLawsofExpectations
1. Negativeexpectationsyieldnegativeresults.
2. Positiveexpectationsyieldnegativeresults.
NorthCarolinaEquineParadox
Vyarzerzomanimororsezassezanzerareorses?
Nowlan'sTruism
An'acceptablelevelofunemployment'meansthatthegovernmenteconomistto
whomitisacceptablestillhasajob.
NursingMotherPrinciple
Donotnurseakidwhowearsbraces.
Nyquist'sTheoryofEquilibrium
EqualityisnotwhenafemaleEinsteingetspromotedtoassistantprofessorequality
iswhenafemaleschlemielmovesaheadasfastasamaleschlemiel.

O
O'Brian'sLaw
Ifyouchangelines,theoneyoujustleftwillstarttomovefasterthantheoneyou
arenowin.
O'Brien'sFirstLawofPolitics
Themorecampaigning,thebetter.
O'Brien'sPrinciple(The$357.73Theorem)
Auditorsalwaysrejectanyexpenseaccountwithabottomlinedivisibleby5or10.

O'Brien'sRule
Nothingiseverdonefortherightreason.
O'Reilly'sLawoftheKitchen
Cleanlinessisnexttoimpossible.
O'Toole'sCommentaryonMurphy'sLaws
Murphywasanoptimist...
Jones'ExtensiontoO'Toole'sCommentaryonMurphy'sLaws
Notjustanoptimisthewasahopelessromantic.
Oaks'sUnrulyLawsforLawmakers
1. Lawexpandsinproportiontotheresourcesavailableforitsenforcement.
2. Badlawismorelikelytobesupplementedthanrepealed.
3. Sociallegislationcannotrepealphysicallaws.
LawofObservation
Nothinglooksasgoodcloseupasitdoesfromfaraway.
TheObviousLaw
Actually,itonlySEEMSasthoughyoumustn'tbedeceivedbyappearances.
Occam'sElectricRazor
Themostdifficultlightbulbtoreplaceburnsoutfirstandmostfrequently.
Occam'sRazor
Entitiesoughtnottobemultipliedexceptfromnecessity.
Reformulations:
1. Theexplanationrequiringthefewestassumptionsisthemostlikelytobe
correct.
2. Whenevertwohypothesescoverthefacts,usethesimplerofthetwo.
3. Cutthecrap.
Oesner'sLaw(Oeser'sLaw?)
Thereisatendencyforthepersoninthemostpowerfulpositioninanorganization
tospendallhistimeservingoncommitteesandsigningletters.
OldandKahn'sLaw
Theefficiencyofacommitteemeetingisinverselyproportionaltothenumberof
participantsandthetimespentondeliberations.
OldChildren'sLaw
Ifittastesgood,youcan'thaveit.Ifittastesawful,you'dbettercleanyourplate.
OldEngineer'sLaw
Thelargertheprojectorjob,thelesstimethereistodoit.
OldScottishPrayer
OLord,grantthatwemayalwaysberight,forThouknowestwewillneverchange
ourminds.
Oliver'sLawofLocation

Nomatterwhereyouare,thereyouare.
Olum'sObservation(andseeMartha'sMaximandFarrow'sFinding)
IfGodhadintendedustogoaroundnaked,Hewouldhavemadeusthatway.
Ophthalmologist'sPrinciple
Aflyingparticlewillseekthenearesteye.
Oppenheimer'sObservation
Theoptimistthinksthisisthebestofallpossibleworlds,andthepessimistknowsit.
OptimumOptimorumPrinciple
Therecomesatimewhenonemuststopsuggestingandevaluatingnewsolutions,
andgetonwiththejobofanalyzingandfinallyimplementingoneprettygood
solution.
OrderingPrinciple
Thosesuppliesnecessaryforyesterday'sexperimentmustbeorderednolaterthan
tomorrownoon.
LawofOrganization
Disorderexpandsproportionatelytothetoleranceforit.
OrganizationalLaw
Thelessworkanorganizationproduces,themorefrequentlyitreorganizes.
Orion'sLaw
Everythingbreaksdown.
Orwell'sLawofBridge
Allbridgehandsareequallylikely,butsomearemoreequallylikelythanothers.
Osborn'sLaw
Variableswon'tconstantsaren't.
Otoole'sAxiom
Onechildisnotenough,buttwoaretoomany.
Otten'sLawofTestimony
Whenapersonsaysthat,intheinterestofsavingtime,hewillsummarizehis
preparedstatement,hewilltalkonlythreetimesaslongasifhehadreadthe
statementinthefirstplace.
Otten'sLawofTypesetting
Typesettersalwayscorrectintentionalerrors,butfailtocorrectunintentionalones.
OzianOption
Ican'tgiveyoubrains,butIcangiveyouadiploma.

PanicInstruction
Whenyoudon'tknowwhattodo,walkfastandlookworried.
Paperboy'sruleofWeather
Nomatterhowcleartheskiesare,athunderstormwillmovein5minutesafterthe
papersaredelivered.
ParadoxofSelectiveEquality
Allthingbeingequal,allthingsareneverequal.
ParadoxicalLaw
Doingitthehardwayisalwayseasier.
Pardo'sPostulates
1. Anythinggoodiseitherillegal,immoral,orfattening.
2. Thethreefaithfulthingsinlifearemoney,adog,andanoldwoman.
3. Don'tcareifyou'rerichornot,aslongasyoulivecomfortablyandcanhave
everythingyouwant.
Pareto'sLaw(The20/80Law)
20%ofthecustomersaccountfor80%oftheturnover,20%ofthecomponents
accountfor80%ofthecost,andsoforth.
Parker'sLawofPoliticalStatements
Thetruthofapropositionhasnothingtodowithitscredibility,andviceversa.
Parker'sProphesies
1. Ifanythingisusedtoit'sfullpotential,itwillbreak.
2. Anythinglabeled"new"and/or"improved"isn't.
3. Ifanitemisadvertisedas"under$50.00,"youcanbetit'snot$19.95.
4. Theoneyouwantisnevertheoneonsale.
5. Ifyoulikeit,theydon'thaveitinyoursize.
6. Youneverwanttheoneyoucanafford.
Parker'sRuleofParliamentaryProcedure
Amotiontoadjournisalwaysinorder.
Parker'sThirdRuleofTechSupport
Ifyoucan'tnavigateaonelevel,fiveitemphonetree,youdidn'tneedacomputer
anyway.
Parkin'sLawofIrritation
Anythingthathappensenoughtimestoirritateyouwillhappenatleastoncemore.
ParkingLaws
ParkingplaceDefined:Ahugespacelargeenoughforsixcarsontheothersideof
thestreet.
Axioms:
1. AssoonasyouhavemadeyourUTurntotakeoneoftheplacessixcars
comealongandtakeallofthemall.
2. Ifyouhavetoparksixblocksawayandwalkbacktothebuilding,youwillfind
twonewparkingspacesrightinfrontofthebuildingentrancewhenyouget

there.
3. Ifonlytwocarsareleftinahugeparkinglot,onewillbeblockingtheother.
Parkinson'sAxioms
1. Anofficialwantstomultiplysubordinates,notrivals.
2. Officialsmakeworkforeachother.
Parkinson'sLawof1000
Anenterpriseemployingmorethan1000peoplebecomesaselfperpetuating
empire,creatingsomuchinternalworkthatitnolongerneedsanycontactwiththe
outsideworld.
Parkinson'sLawofDelay
Delayisthedeadliestformofdenial.
Parkinson'sLawofMedicalResearch
Successfulresearchattractsthebiggergrantwhichmakesfurtherresearch
impossible.
Parkinson'sLawoftheTelephone
Theeffectivenessofatelephoneconversationisininverseproportiontothetime
spentonit.
Parkinson'sLaws
1. Workexpandstofillthetimeavailableforitscompletionthethingtobedoneswells
inperceivedimportanceandcomplexityinadirectratiowiththetimetobespentin
itscompletion.
2. Expendituresrisetomeetincome.
3. Expansionmeanscomplexityandcomplexitydecay.
4. Thenumberofpeopleinanyworkinggrouptendstoincreaseregardlessofthe
amountofworktobedone.
5. Ifthereisawaytodelayanimportantdecisionthegoodbureaucracy,publicor
private,willfindit.
6. Theprogressofsciencevariesinverselywiththenumberofjournalspublished.
Parkinson'sPrincipleofNonOrigination
ItistheessenceofgrantsmanshiptopersuadetheFoundationexecutivesthatit
wasTHEYwhosuggestedtheresearchprojectandthatyouwereabelatedconvert,
agreeingreluctantlytoalltheyhadproposed.
Parson'sLaws
1. Ifyoubreakacuporplate,itwillnotbetheonethatwasalreadychippedor
cracked.
2. Aplaceyouwanttogettoisalwaysjustofftheedgeofthemapyouhappentohave
handy.
3. Ameetinglastsatleast11/2hourshowevershorttheagenda.
ThePartyLaw
Themorefoodyouprepare,thelessyourguestseat.
Pastore'sCommentonMichehl'sTheorem
Nothingisultimate.

Pastore'sTruths
1. Evenparanoidshaveenemies.
2. MostjobsaremarginallybetterthandaytimeTV.
3. Onalcohol:fourisonemorethanmorethanenough.
Patrick'sTheorem
Iftheexperimentworks,youmustbeusingthewrongequipment.
Patton'sLaw
Agoodplantodayisbetterthanaperfectplantomorrow.
PaturiPrinciple
Successistheresultofbehaviorthatcompletelycontradictstheusualexpectations
aboutthebehaviorofasuccessfulperson.
CorollaryTheamountofsuccessisininverseproportiontotheeffortinvolvedin
attainingit.
PaulPrinciple
Peoplebecomeprogressivelylesscompetentforjobstheyoncewerewellequipped
tohandle.
Paul'sLaw(ofDrinking)
Youcan'tfalloffthefloor.
Paul'sLawofGroupInsurance
Theillnessyoucomedownwithistheoneailmentnotcoveredunderyour
insurancepolicy.
Paulg'sLaw
InAmerica,it'snothowmuchanitemcosts,it'showmuchyousave.
Peck'sProgrammingPostulates(PhilosophicEngineeringappliedtoprogramming)
1. Inanyprogram,anyerrorwhichcancreepinwilleventuallydoso.
2. Notuntiltheprogramhasbeeninproductionforatleastsixmonthswillthemost
harmfulerrorbediscovered.
3. Anyconstants,limits,ortimingformulasthatappearinthecomputermanufacturer's
literatureshouldbetreatedasvariables.
4. Themostvitalparameterinanysubroutinestandsthegreatestchanceofbeingleft
outofthecallingsequence.
5. Ifonlyonecompilercanbesecuredforapieceofhardware,thecompilationtimes
willbeexorbitant.
6. Ifatestinstallationfunctionsperfectly,allsubsequentsystemswillmalfunction.
7. Jobcontrolcardsthatpositivelycannotbearrangedinimproperorder,willbe.
8. Interchangeabletapeswon't.
9. Ifmorethanonepersonhasprogrammedamalfunctioningroutine,nooneisat
fault.
10. Iftheinputeditorhasbeendesignedtorejectallbadinput,aningeniousidiotwill
discoveramethodtogetbaddatapastit.
11. Duplicatedobjectdeckswhichtestinidenticalfashionwillnotgiveidenticalresults
atremotesites.
12. Manufacturer'shardwareandsoftwaresupportceaseswithpaymentforthe

computer.
Peckham'sLaw(Beckhap'sLaw?)
Beautytimesbrainsequalsaconstant.
Peer'sLaw
Thesolutiontoaproblemchangestheproblem.
Perelman'sPoint
Thereisnothinglikeagoodpainstakingsurveyfullofdecimalpointsandguarded
generalizationstoputaglazelikeaSungvaseonyoureyeball.
Perkin'sPostulate
Thebiggertheyare,thehardertheyhit.
Perlsweig'sLaw
Peoplewhocanleastaffordtopayrent,payrent.Peoplewhocanmostaffordto
payrent,buildupequity.
LawofPermanence
Politicalpowerisaspermanentastoday'snewspaper.Tenyearsfromnow,fewwill
knoworcarewhothemostpowerfulmaninanystatewastoday.
Persig'sPostulate
Thenumberofrationalhypothesesthatcanexplainanygivenphenomenonis
infinite.
ThePerversePrinciplesofTemperatureRegulation
1. Theairconditionerinyourcarwillbreakdownonthehottestdayoftheyear,the
heaterwillbestuckon"High",andallofthewindowswillbeseizedshut.
2. Theheaterwillbreakdownonthecoldestdayoftheyear,theairconditionerwillbe
stuckon"High"andthewindowswillbeseizedopen.
LawofthePerversityofNature
Youcannotsuccessfullydeterminebeforehandwhichsideofthebreadtobutter.
PerversityofNatureLaw
Youcannotsuccessfullydeterminebeforehandwhichsideofthebreadtobutter.
PeterPrinciple
Ineveryhierarchy,whetheritbegovernmentorbusiness,eachemployeetendsto
risetohislevelofincompetenceeveryposttendstobefilledbyanemployee
incompetenttoexecuteitsduties.
Corollaries:
1. Incompetenceknowsnobarriersoftimeorplace.
2. Workisaccomplishedbythoseemployeeswhohavenotyetreachedtheir
levelofincompetence.
3. Ifatfirstyoudon'tsucceed,trysomethingelse.
Peter'sHiddenPostulateAccordingtoGodin
Everyemployeebeginsathislevelofcompetence.

Peter'sInversion
Internalconsistencyisvaluedmorehighlythanefficiency.
Peter'sLawofEvolution
Competencealwayscontainstheseedofincompetence.
Peter'sLawofSubstitution
Lookafterthemolehillsandthemountainswilllookafterthemselves.
Peter'sObservation
Supercompetenceismoreobjectionablethanincompetence.
Peter'sParadox
Employeesinahierarchydonotreallyobjecttoincompetenceintheircolleagues.
Peter'sPerfectPeoplePalliative
Eachofusisamixtureofgoodqualitiesandsome(perhaps)notsogoodqualities.
Inconsideringourfellowpeopleweshouldremembertheirgoodqualitiesand
realizethattheirfaultsonlyprovethattheyare,afterall,human.Weshouldrefrain
frommakingharshjudgmentsofpeoplejustbecausetheyhappentobedirty,rotten,
nogoodsonsofbitches.
Peter'sPlacebo
Anounceofimageisworthapoundofperformance.
Peter'sPrognosis
Spendsufficienttimeinconfirmingtheneedandtheneedwilldisappear.
Peter'sRuleforCreativeIncompetence
Createtheimpressionthatyouhavealreadyreachedyourlevelofincompetence.
Peter'sTheorem
Incompetenceplusincompetenceequalsincompetence.
Petersprincipal
1. Inanyhierarchy,eachindividualrisestohisownlevelofincompetence,andthen
remainsthere.
2. Thereisnevertimetodoitrightbutthereisalwaystimetodoitover.
3. Peoplespecializeintheirareaofgreatestweakness.
4. Everyorganizationhasanallottednumberofpositionstobefilledbyincompetents.
Peterson'sLaw
Historyshowsthatmoneywillmultiplyinvolumeanddivideinvalueoverthelong
run.Or,expresseddifferently,thepurchasingpowerofcurrencywillvaryinversely
withthemagnitudeofthepublicdebt.
PhasesofaProject
1. Exultation.
2. Disenchantment.
3. Confusion.
4. SearchfortheGuilty.
5. PunishmentoftheInnocent.

6. DistinctionfortheUninvolved.
Phelps'sLawofRetributiveStatistics
Anunexpectedlyeasytohandlesequenceofeventswillbeimmediatelyfollowedby
anequallylongsequenceoftrouble.
Phelps'sLawsofRenovation
1. Anyrenovationprojectonanoldhousewillcosttwiceasmuchandtakethreetimes
aslongasoriginallyestimated.
2. Anyplumbingpipesyouchoosetoreplaceduringrenovationwillprovetobein
excellentconditionthoseyoudecidetoleaveinplacewillberotten.
Phillip'sPrincipleofObservableRepairs
1. Thenumberofwitnessesavailableisinverselyproportionaltotheskillyou
demonstrate.
2. Therewillneverbeanyonearoundtoseeyoudosomethingbrilliant
3. Whenyoureallyscrewup,youwillgetnetworkcoveragewitha40share.
4. Theonlythingyoudidn'tcheckforamalfunction,willbethesourceoftheproblem,
butyouwon'tfindituntilyouarecalledback.
PhoneBoothRule
Alonedimealwaysgetsthenumbernearlyright.
TheThirdLawofPhotography
Ifyoudidmanagetogetanygoodshots,theywillberuinedwhensomeone
inadvertentlyopensthedarkroomdoorandallofthedarkleaksout.
SecondLawofPhysics
Youcantpushonarope.
Pierce'sLaw
Inanycomputersystem,themachinewillalwaysmisinterpret,misconstruct,
misprint,ornotevaluateanymathorsubroutinesorfailtoprintanyoutputonat
leastthefirstrunthrough.
CorollarytoPierce'sLaw
Whenacompileracceptsaprogramwithouterroronthefirstrun,theprogramwill
notyieldthedesiredoutput.
Pierson'sLaw
Ifyou'recoasting,you'regoingdownhill.
PikeLawofPunditry
Thesuccessfulpunditisprovidedmoreopportunitiestosaythingsthanhehas
thingsworthsaying.
PineapplePrinciple
Thebestpartsofanythingarealwaysimpossibletoremovefromtheworstparts.
PitfallofGenius
Nobosswillkeepanemployeewhoisrightallthetime.
Plotnick'sLaw

Thetimeofdeparturewillbedelayedbythesquareofthenumberofpeople
involved.
ThePointofNoReturnLaw
Thelightattheendofthetunnelcouldturnouttobetheheadlightofanoncoming
train.
PoliticalAxioms
1. Whenattemptingtopredictandforecastmacroeconomicmovesoreconomic
legislationbyapolitician,neverbemisledbywhathesaysinsteadwatchwhathe
does.
2. Politicianswillalwaysinflatewhengiventheopportunity.
LawofPoliticalErosion
Oncetheerosionofpowerbegins,ithasamomentumallitsown.
PoliticalPostulate
Formationofapartysignalsthedissolutionofthemovement.
Politicians'Rules
1. Whenthepollsareinyourfavor,flauntthem.
2. Whenthepollsareoverwhelminglyunfavorable,either(a)ridiculeanddismissthem
or(b)stressthevolatilityofpublicopinion.
3. Whenthepollsareslightlyunfavorable,playforsympathyasastrugglingunderdog.
4. Whentooclosetocall,besurprisedatyourownstrength.
ThePollyannaParadox
Everyday,ineveryway,thingsgetbetterandbetterthenworseagaininthe
evening.
Pope'sLawofRetroactivity
Itiseasiertogetforgivenessthanpermission.
PostalPostulate
Theannouncementoftheoneeventyoumostwantedtoattendwillarriveinthe
mailthedayaftertheithastakenplace.
FirstPostulateofIsomurphism
Thingsequaltonothingelseareequaltoeachother.
Potter'sLaw
Theamountofflakreceivedonanysubjectisinverselyproportionaltothesubject's
truevalue.
Poulsen'sLaw
Whenanythingisusedtoitsfullpotential,itwillbreak.
Pournelle'sLawofCostsandSchedules
Everythingcostsmoreandtakeslonger.
Powell'sLaw
Nevertellthemwhatyouwouldn'tdo.

PragmaticPrincipal
Necessityisthemotherofstrangebedfellows.
LawofPredictiveAction
Thesecondmostpowerfulphraseintheworldis"Watchthis!"Themostpowerful
phraseis"Ohyeah?Watchthis!"
Preudhomme'sLawofWindowCleaning
It'sontheotherside.
Price'sLawofPolitics
It'seasiertobealiberalalongwayfromhome.
Price'sLawofScience
Scientistswhodisliketherestraintsofhighlyorganizedresearchliketoremarkthat
atrulygreatresearchworkerneedsonlythreepiecesofequipmentapencil,a
pieceofpaper,andabrain.Buttheyquotethismaximmoreoftenatacademic
banquetsthanatbudgethearings.
ThePrincipleConcerningMultifunctionalDevices
Thefewerfunctionsanydeviceisrequiredtoperform,themoreperfectlyitcan
performthosefunctions.
PrincipleofDisplacedHassle
Tobeatthebureaucracy,makeyourproblemtheirproblem.
Principlesofsuccess
1. Everyonehasaschemeforgettingrichthatwillnotwork.
2. Whenindoubt,mumble.Whenintrouble,delegate.
3. Whateveryouhavedoneisneveracompletefailure.Itcanalwaysserveasabad
example.
4. Whenthegoinggetstough,everyoneleaves.
5. Incaseofdoubt,makeitsoundconvincing.
6. It'sasimpletasktomakethingscomplex,butacomplextasktomakethemsimple.
7. Ifyoutrytopleaseeverybody,nobodywilllikeit.
LawofProbability
Randomeventstendtooccuringroups:
LawofProbableDispersal
Whateverhitsthefanwillnotbeevenlydistributed.(alsoknownastheHowComeIt
AllLandedOnMeLaw)
Lawofproblems
1. Ifoneviewstheproblemcloselyenough,hewillrecognizehimselfaspartofthe
problem.
2. Wheneveryousetouttodosomething,somethingelsemustbedonefirst.
CorollaryEverysolutionbreedsnewproblems.
ProductivityEquation
Theproductivity,P,ofagroupofpeopleis:
P=NxTx(.55.00005xNx(N1))

whereNisthenumberofpeopleinthegroupandTisthenumberofhoursina
workperiod.
Professional'sLaw
Doctors,dentists,andlawyersareonlyontimeforappointmentswhenyou'renot.
ProfessorCorey'sLaw
Theamountofexpertisevariesininverseproportiontothenumberofstatements
understoodbythegeneralpublic.
ProfessorGordon'sRuleofEvolvingBryophyticSystems
Whilebryophyticplantsaretypicallyencounteredinsubstrataofearthyormineral
matterinconcretedstate,discretesubstrataelementsoccasionallydisplayaroughly
sphericalconfigurationwhich,inpresenceofsuitablegravitationalandothereffects,
lendsitselftocombinedtranslatoryandrotationalmotion.Onenoticesinsuchcases
anabsenceoftheotherwisetypicalaccretionofbryophyta.Weconcludetherefore
thatarollingstonegathersnomoss.
Rutger'sCorollaryGenerallythesubjectivevalueassignabletoavianlifeforms,
whenencounteredandconsideredwithintheconfinesofcertainordersofwoody
plantslackingtruemeristematicdominance,ascomparedtoapossiblevaluationof
thesesamelifeformswheninthegraspofandsubjecttocontrolbythe
manipulativebone/muscle/nervecomplextypicallyterminatingtheforelimbofa
memberofthespecieshomosapiens(andpossiblydirectprecursorsthereof)is
approximatelyfivetimestentotheminusfirstpower.
Profundo'sLawsonStaffing
1. Thenumberofcustomersthatvisityourshopisinverselyproportionaltothenumber
ofemployeesyouhavetowaitonthem.
2. Whenyourentirestaffisavailablenoonewillcome.
3. Whenyouaretherealone,everyonewillcomeandtheywillbeimpatient.
FirstLawofProjectManagement
Fuzzyprojectobjectivesareusedtoavoidtheembarraamentofestimatingthe
correspondingcosts.
SixthLawofProjectManagement
Nomatterwhatstageofcompletiononereaches,thecostoftheremainderofthe
projectremainsconstant.
Projectscheduling"99"rule
Thefirst90percentofthetasktakes10percentofthetime.Thelast10percent
takestheother90percent.
ProverbialLaw
Foreveryproverbthatsoconfidentlyassertsitslittlebitofwisdom,thereisusually
anequalandoppositeproverbthatcontradictsit.
Psychiatrist'sAtHomeTest
Oneoutoffourpeopleismentallyill.CheckthreefriendsIfthey'reO.K.itmustbe
you.
PublicRelationsClientTurnoverLaw

Theminuteyousignaclientistheminuteyoustarttolosehim.
FirstRuleofPublicSpeaking
Niceguysfinishfast.
LawofPublicTransit
Ifyoustartwalking,thefirstbuswillcomepreciselywhenyouarehalfwaybetween
stops.
PublicTransitDefinitions
1. Abusisavehicleinabuszoneontheothersideofthestreetgoingintheopposite
directionthanwhichyouwishtogo.
2. Abusisavehiclewhichleftthebuszoneoneminuteago.
Pudder'sLaws
1. Anythingthatbeginswellendsbadly.
2. Anythingthatbeginsbadlyendsworse.
ThePuncturePrinciple
Nailsareselectivelyattractedtotheinsidewheelonadualwheeledvehicle.
Puritan'sLaw
Evilislivespelledbackwards.
CorollaryIfitfeelsgood,don'tdoit.
Putney'sLaw
Ifthepeopleofademocracyareallowedtodoso,theywillvoteawaythefreedoms
whichareessentialtothatdemocracy.
Putt'sLaw
Technologyisdominatedbytwotypesofpeoplethosewhounderstandwhatthey
donotmanage,andthosewhomanagewhattheydonotunderstand.

Q
Q'sLaw
NomatterwhatstageofcompletiononereachesinaNorthSea(oil)field,thecost
oftheremainderoftheprojectremainsthesame.
TheQueuePrincipal
Thelongeryouwaitinline,thegreaterthelikelihoodthatyouareinthewrongline.
Quigley'sLawofHighwayDriving
Whentravellingdownthefreeway,thefirstbugtohitacleanwindshieldwillalways
landdirectlyinfrontofthedriver'sface.

R
RuleofRadioReception

Yourwalkmanradiowon'tpickupthestationyouwanttohearmost.
Rakove'sLawsofPolitics
1. Theamountofeffortputintoacampaignbyaworkerexpandsinproportiontothe
personalbenefitsthathewillderivefromhisparty'svictory.
2. Thecitizenisinfluencedbyprincipleindirectproportiontohisdistancefromthe
politicalsituation.
Ralph'sObservation
Itisamistaketoallowanymechanicalobjecttorealizethatyouareinahurry.
Randolph'sCardinalPrincipleofStatecraft
Neverneedlesslydisturbathingatrest.
Rangnekar'sModifiedRulesConcerningDecisions
1. Ifyoumustmakeadecision,delayit.
2. Ifyoucanauthorizesomeoneelsetoavoidadecision,doso.
3. Ifyoucanformacommittee,havethemavoidthedecision.
4. Ifyoucanotherwiseavoidadecision,avoiditimmediately.
Rapoport'sRuleoftheRollerSkateKey
Certainitemswhicharecrucialtoagivenactivitywillshowupwithuncommon
regularityuntilthedaywhenthatactivityisplanned,atwhichpointtheitemin
questionwilldisappearfromthefaceoftheearth.
Raskin'sZeroLaw
Themorezerosfoundinthepricetagforagovernmentprogram,theless
Congressionalscrutinyitwillreceive.
LawofRaspberryJam
Thewideranycultureisspread,thethinneritgets.
Rather'sRule
Indealingwiththepressdoyourselfafavor.Stickwithoneofthreeresponses:(a)I
knowandIcantellyou,(b)IknowandIcan'ttellyou,or(c)Idon'tknow.
Rayburn'sRule
Ifyouwanttogetalong,goalong.
RB'sFiveThumbsPostulate
Experiencevariesdirectlywiththeequipmentruined.
RuleofReason
Ifnobodyusesit,there'sareason.
LawofRegressiveAchievement
Lastyear'swasalwaysbetter.
RelativityForChildren
Timemovesslowerinafastmovingvehicle.
Repairman'sLaws

Theprobabilityofarrivingatthejobsitewithoutaneededtoolorwiththewrong
hardwarearedirectlyproportionalwiththesquareofthetraveldistance.
CorollaryYouwillalwayshavewhatyouneedwhenthejobisnexttoyourshop.
LawofReruns
IfyouhavewatchedaTVseriesonlyonce,andyouwatchitagain,itwillbearerun
ofthesameepisode.
LawofResearch
Enoughresearchwilltendtosupportyourtheory.
ResearchersLaw
Theclosestlibrarydoesn'thavethematerialyouneed.
LawofRestaurantAcoustics
Inarestaurantwithseatswhichareclosetoeachother,onewillalwaysfindthe
decibellevelofthenearestconversationtobeinverselyproportionaltothequalityof
thethoughtgoingintoit.
LawofRestitution
Thetimeittakestorectifyasituationisinverselyproportionaltothetimeittookto
dothedamage.Example:ittakeslongertoglueavasetogetherthantobreakone.
Rev.Mahaffy'sObservation
There'snosuchthingasalargewhiskey.
LawofRevelation
Thehiddenflawneverremainshidden.
(Fyfe's)FirstLawofRevision
Informationnecessitiatingachangeofdesignwillbeconveyedtothedesignerafter
andonlyaftertheplansarecomplete.(OftencalledtheNowTheyTellUs'Law)
Corollary
Insimplecases,presentingoneobviousrightwayversusoneobviouswrongway,it
isoftenwisertochoosethewrongway,soastoexpeditesubsequentrevision.
(Fyfe's)SecondLawofRevision
Themoreinnocuousthemodificationappearstobe,thefurtheritsinfluencewill
extendandthemoreplanswillhavetoberedrawn.
(Fyfe's)ThirdLawofRevision
If,whencompletionofadesignisimminent,fielddimensionsarefinallysuppliedas
theyactuallyare,insteadofastheyweremeanttobe,itisalwayssimplertostart
overfromscratch.
Corollary
Itisusuallyimpracticaltoworrybeforehandaboutinterferencesifyouhavenone,
someonewillmakeoneforyou.
(Fyfe's)FourthLawofRevision
Afterpainstakingandcarefulanalysisofasample,youarealwaystoldthatitisthe
wrongsampleanddoesn'tapplytotheproblem.
RevolutionaryLaw
Thesloppiertherebeluniform,themorelikelythesuccessfuloverthrowofthe

existinggovernment.
Richard'sComplementaryRulesofOwnership
1. Ifyoukeepanythinglongenoughyoucanthrowitaway.
2. Ifyouthrowanythingaway,youwillneeditassoonasitisnolongeraccessible.
Richman'sInevitablesofParenthood
1. Enoughisneverenough.
2. Thesunalwaysrisesinthebaby'sbedroomwindow.
3. Birthdaypartiesalwaysendintears.
4. Wheneveryoudecidetotakethekidshome,itisalwaysfiveminutesearlierthat
theybreakintofights,tears,orhysteria.
Riddle'sConstant
Therearecoexistingelementsinfrustrationphenomenawhichseparateexpected
resultsfromachievedresults.
Riesman'sLaw
Aninexorableupwardmovementleadsadministratorstohighersalariesand
narrowerspansofcontrol.
Rigg'sHypothesis
Incompetencetendstoincreasewiththelevelofworkperformed.And,naturally,the
individual'sstaffneedswillincreaseashislevelofincompetenceincreases.
LawofRoadConstruction
Afterlargeexpendituresoffederal,state,andcountyfundsaftermuchconfusion
generatedbydetoursandroadblocksaftergreatlyannoyingthesurrounding
populationwithnoise,dust,andfumesthepreviouslyexistingtrafficjamis
relocatedbyonehalfmile.
RobertLee'sTruce
Judgementcomesfromexperience.Experiencecomesfrompoorjudgement.
Robert'sLawofSpaceSharing
Theoddsare6:5thatifonehaslateclasses,one'sroommatewillhavetheearliest
possibleclasses.
Robertson'sLaw
Everythinghappensatthesametimewithnothinginbetween.
TheRockefellerPrinciple
Neverdoanythingyouwouldn'tbecaughtbedeaddoing.
Rodovic'sRule
Inanyorganization,thepotentialismuchgreaterforthesubordinatetomanagehis
superiorthanforthesuperiortomanagehissubordinate.
Rodriguez'sObservation
Aconsultantissomeonewho,whenhiredtofindoutwhattimeitis,borrowsyour
watchtofindout.
Corollary(Martin)Ifyouhireaconsultanttoreadyourownwatchtoyou,yougot

yourmoney'sworth.
Rodriguez'sObservationsOnConsultants
1. Aconsultantissomeonewho,whenhiredtofindoutwhattimeitis,borrowsyour
watchtofindout.
2. Aconsultantisafoolwithabriefcasemorethantwomilesfromhome.
3. Consultantsaremysticalpeoplewhoaskacompanyforanumberandsellitbackto
them.
CorollaryIfyouhireaconsultanttoreadyourownwatchtoyou,you'vegotten
yourmoney'sworth.
Roemer'sLaw
Therateofhospitaladmissionsrespondstobedavailability.Ifweinsistoninstalling
morebeds,theywilltendtogetfilled.
Roger'sRatio
OnethirdofthepeopleintheUnitedStatespromote,whiletheothertwothirds
provide.
Rooster'sFirstLawonSchoolAffairs
Theexamwillasktheonlytopicyoudidn'tstudy.
FirstcorollaryTheBonusRescuequestionisharderthantheregularones.
Rosenbaum'sRule
Theeasiestwaytofindsomethinglostaroundthehouseistobuyareplacement.
Rosenfield'sRegret
Themostdelicatecomponentwillbedropped.
RosenstockHuessy'sLawofTechnology
Alltechnologyexpandsthespace,contractsthetime,anddestroystheworking
group.
(Charles)Ross'sLaw
Nevercharacterizetheimportanceofastatementinadvance.
(Al)Ross'sLaw
Barefeetmagnetizesharpmetalobjectssotheyalwayspointupwardfromthefloor
especiallyinthedark.
Rudin'sLaw
Inacrisisthatforcesachoicetobemadeamongalternativecoursesofaction,most
peoplewillchoosetheworseonepossible.
TheFifthRule
Youhavetakenyourselftooseriously.
RulesofPratt
1. Ifasevereproblemmanifestsitself,nosolutionisacceptableunlessitisinvolved,
expensive,andtimeconsuming.
2. Sufficientmoneystodothejobcorrectlythefirsttimearenotavailable,however,
amplefundsaremucheasierobtainedforrepeatedrevisions.

RulesregardingFools
1. Itisimpossibletomakeanythingfoolproofbecausefoolsaresoingenious.
2. Theonlydifferencebetweenthefoolandthecriminalwhoattacksasystemisthat
thefoolattacksunpredictablyandonabroaderfront.
3. Apipegivesawisemantimetothinkandafoolsomethingtostickinhismouth.
4. Wheneverasystembecomescompletelydefined,somedamnfooldiscovers
somethingwhicheitherabolishesthesystemorexpandsitbeyondrecognition.
5. Buildasystemthatonlyafoolcanuseandonlyafoolwilluseit.
6. Itisimpossibletomakeanythingfoolproofbecausefoolsaresoingenious.
7. Neverarguewithafool.Peoplemightnotknowthedifference.
8. Anyfoolcanmakearule,andeveryfoolwillmindit.
9. Therearefourkindsofpeople:thosewhositquietlyanddonothing,thosewhotalk
aboutsittingquietlyanddoingnothing,thosewhodothings,andthosewhotalk
aboutdoingthings.
10. Foolsrushinwherefoolshavebeenbefore.
11. Theonlydifferencebetweenthefoolandthecriminalwhoattacksasystemisthat
thefoolattacksunpredictablyandonabroaderfront.
12. Afoolinahighstationislikeamanonthetopofasmallmountain:everything
appearssmalltohimandheappearssmalltoeverybody.
Runamok'sLaw
Therearefourkindsofpeople:thosewhositquietlyanddonothing,thosewhotalk
aboutsittingquietlyanddoingnothing,thosewhodothings,andthosewhotalk
aboutdoingthings.
Rune'sRule
Ifyoudon'tcarewhereyouare,youain'tlost.
Runyon'sLaw
Theraceisnotalwaystotheswift,northebattletothestrong,butthat'sthewayto
bet.
FirstRuleofRuralMechanics
Ifitworks,don'tfixit.
Ryan'sApplicationofParkinson'sLaw
Possessionsincreasetofillthespaceavailablefortheirstorage.
Ryan'sLaw
Makethreecorrectguessesconsecutivelyandyouwillestablishyourselfasan
expert.

S
Sadat'sReminder
Thosewhoinventedthelawofsupplyanddemandhavenorighttocomplainwhen
thislawworksagainsttheirinterest.
SafewayPrinciples
Thebagthatbreaksistheonewiththeeggs.

SalaryAxiom
Thepayraiseisjustlargeenoughtoincreaseyourtaxesandjustsmallenoughto
havenoeffectonyourtakehomepay.
SamSlick'sSophism
Thenumberofsalesmenthatwillcallonyouonanygivendaywillbedirectly
proportionaltotheamountandurgencyoftheworkyouhavetogetdone.
CorollaryNoneofthemwillbesellinganythingyouwant.
Sam'sAxioms
1. Anyline,howevershort,isstilltoolong.
2. Workisthecrabgrassoflife,butmoneyisthewaterthatkeepsitgreen.
SamuelsPostulate
Neveroffendpeoplewithstylewhenyoucanoffendthemwithsubstance.
Sattinger'sLaw
Itworksbetterifyouplugitin.
Sattler'sLaw
Thereare32pointstothecompass,meaningthatthereare32directionsinwhicha
spooncansquirtgrapefruityet,thejuicealmostinvariablyfliesstraightintothe
humaneye.
Sattlinger'sLaw
Itworksbetterifyouplugitin.
Saunders'sDiscovery
Lazinessisthemotherofnineinventionsoutoften.
TheSausagePrinciple
Peoplewholovesausageandrespectthelawshouldneverwatcheitheronebeing
made.
Sayre'sThirdLawofPolitics
Academicpoliticsisthemostviciousandbitterformofpolitics,becausethestakes
aresolow.
Schenk'sFirstPrincipleofIndustrialMarketEconomics
Goodsalesmenandgoodrepairmenwillnevergohungry.
Schickel'sTVTheorems
1. Anydramaticseriestheproducerswantustotakeseriouslyasarepresentationof
contemporaryrealitycannotbetakenseriouslyasarepresentationofanything
exceptashowtobeignoredbyanyonecapableofsittinguprightinachairand
chewinggumsimultaneously.
2. Theonlyprogramsagrownupcanpossiblystandarethoseintendedforchildren.
Or,moreproperly,thosethatcatertothosepreadolescentfantasiesthatmosthave
neverabandoned.
Schmidt'sLaw
Nevereatpruneswhenyou'rehungry.

Schmidt'sLaw(probablyadifferentSchmidt)
Ifyoumesswithsomethinglongenough,it'llbreak.
Schmidt'sObservation
Allthingsbeingequal,afatpersonusesmoresoapthanathinperson.
Schmidt'sObservations
Nevereatpruneswhenyou'rehungry.Allthingsbeingequal,afatpersonuses
moresoapthanathinperson.
Schuckit'sLaw
Allinterferenceinhumanconducthasthepotentialforcausingharm,nomatterhow
innocuoustheproceduremaybe.
Schultze'sLaw
Ifyoucan'tmeasureoutput,thenyoumeasureinput.
Schumpeter'sObservationofScientificandNonscientificTheories
Anytheorycanbemadetofitanyfactsbymeansofappropriateadditional
assumptions.
FirstLawofScience
Youcanobservealotjustbywatching.
RuleofScientificEndeavor
Thesimpleexplanationalwaysfollowsthecomplexsolution.
Scott'sFirstLaw
Nomatterwhatgoeswrong,itwillprobablylookright.
Scott'sSecondLaw
Whenanerrorhasbeendetectedandcorrected,itwillbefoundtohavebeen
correctinthefirstplace.
CorollaryAfterthecorrectionhasbeenfoundinerror,itwillbeimpossibletofitthe
originalquantitybackintotheequation.
ScrewdriverSyndrome
Sometimes,whereacomplexproblemcanbeilluminatedbymanytools,onecanbe
forgivenforapplyingtheoneheknowsbest.
SearchersLaws
1. Youcanalwaysfindwhatyou'renotlookingfor.
2. Ifalostthingisfound,somethingelsewilldisappear.
3. Ifyoufileit,you'llknowwhereitisbutneverneedit.Ifyoudon'tfileit,you'llneedit
butneverknowwhereitis.
4. Thefirstplacetolookforanythingisthelastplaceyouwouldexpecttofindit.
5. Youwillalwaysfindwhatyouhavelostinthelastplaceyoulookforit.
LawofSecrecy
Thebestwaytopublicizeagovernmentalorpoliticalactionistoattempttohideit.
Segal'sLaw

Amanwithonewatchknowswhattimeitisamanwithtwowatchesisneversure.
LawofSelectiveGravity(theButteredSideDownLaw)
Anobjectwillfallsoastodothemostdamage.
Corollary(Klipstein)Themostdelicatecomponentwillbetheonetodrop.
Bythewaywhathappendsifyougluethebreadwiththebutteredsideuptoacat's
backanddropitwillthecatfloatintheair?orvanish?
Jenning'sCorollarytotheLawofSelectiveGravity
Thechanceofthebreadfallingwiththebutteredsidedownisdirectlyproportionalto
thecostofthecarpet.
Sells'sLaw
Thefirstsampleisalwaysthebest.
Sevareid'sLaw
Thechiefcauseofproblemsissolutions.
Seymour'sPrincipleofInvestment
Neverinvestinanythingthateats.
Shaffer'sLaw
Theeffectivenessofapoliticianvariesininverseproportiontohiscommitmentto
principle.
Shalit'sLaw
Theintensityofmoviepublicityisininverseratiotothequalityofthemovie.
Shanahan'sLaw(O'Hanahan'sLaw)
Thelengthofameetingriseswiththesquareofthenumberofpeoplepresent.
Sharkey'sFourthLawofMotion
Passengersonelevatorsconstantlyrearrangetheirpositionsaspeoplegetonand
offsothereisatalltimesanequaldistancebetweenallbodies.
Shaw'sLawsofMeetings
1. Inanydealingswithacollectivebodyofpeople,thepeoplewillalwaysbemore
tackythanoriginallyexpected.
2. Thepersonwiththeleastexpertisehasthemostopinions.
3. Thosemostopposedtoservingoncommitteesaremadechairmen.
Shaw'sPrinciple
Buildasystemthatevenafoolcanuse,andonlyafoolwillwanttouseit.
Shelton'sLawsofPocketCalculators
1. Rechargeablebatteriesdieatthemostcriticaltimeofthemostcomplexproblem.
2. Whenarechargeablebatterystartstodieinthemiddleofacomplexcalculation,
andtheuserattemptstoconnecthousecurrent,thecalculatorwillclearitself.
3. Thefinalanswerwillexceedthemagnitudeorprecisionorbothofthecalculator.
4. Therearenotenoughstorageregisterstosolvetheproblem.
5. Theuserwillforgetmathematicsinproportiontothecomplexityofthecalculator.
6. Thermalpaperwillrunoutbeforethecalculationiscomplete.

Shirley'sLaw
Mostpeopledeserveeachother.Forgiveandremember.
Short'sQuotations
1. Anygreattruthcanandeventuallywillbeexpressedasacliche.Aclicheisa
sureandcertainwaytodiluteanidea.Forinstance,mygrandmotherusedtosay,
"Theblackcatisalwaysthelastoneoffthefence."Ihavenoideawhatshemeant,
butatonetimeitwasundoubtedlytrue.
2. Halfofbeingsmartisknowingwhatyou'redumbat.
3. Malpracticemakesmalperfect.
4. Neurosisisacommunicabledisease.
5. TheonlywinnerintheWarof1812wasTchaikovsky.
6. Natureabhorsahero.Foronething,heviolatesthelawofconservationofenergy.
Foranother,howcanitbethesurvivalofthefittestwhenthefittestkeepsputting
himselfinsituationswhereheismostlikelytobecreamed?
7. Alittleignorancecangoalongway.
8. Learntobesincere.Evenifyouhavetofakeit.
9. Thereisnosuchthingasanabsolutetruththatisabsolutelytrue.
10. Understandingthelawsofnaturedoesnotmeanwearefreefromobeyingthem.
11. Entropyhasusoutnumbered.
12. Thehumanraceneversolvesanyofitsproblemsitonlyoutlivesthem.
13. Hellhathnofurylikeapacifist.
Simmon'sLaw
Thedesireforracialintegrationincreaseswiththesquareofthedistancefromthe
actualevent.
Simon'sLaw
Everythingputtogethersoonerorlaterfallsapart.
Sinner'sLawofRetaliation
Dowhateveryourenemiesdon'twantyoutodo.
SirWalter'sLaw
Thetendencyofsmokefromacigarette,barbecue,campfire,etc.,Todriftintoa
personsfaceisdirectlyproportionalwiththatpersonssensitivitytosmoke.
Skinner'sConstant(Flannegan'sFinaglingFactor)
Thatquantitywhich,whenmultipliedby,dividedinto,addedto,orsubtractedfrom
theansweryougot,givesyoutheansweryoushouldhavegotten.
Skole'sRuleforAntiqueDealers
Neversimplysay,"Sorry,wedon'thavewhatyou'relookingfor."Alwayssay,"Too
bad,Ijustsoldonetheotherday."
Skydivers'LawofHesitation
Hewhohesitatesshallinherittheearth.
LawofSlidePresentation
Inanyslidepresentation,atleastoneslidewillbeupsidedownorbackwards,or
both.

Smith'sPrinciplesofBureaucraticTinkertoys
1. Neveruseonewordwhenadozenwillsuffice.
2. Ifitcanbeunderstood,it'snotfinishedyet.
3. Neverbethefirsttodoanything.
SnafuEquations
1. Givenanyproblemcontainingnequations,therewillben+1unknowns.
2. Anobjectorbitofinformationmostneeded,willbeleastavailable.
3. Inanyhumanendeavor,onceyouhaveexhaustedallpossibilitiesandfail,therewill
beonesolution,simpleandobvious,highlyvisibletoeveryoneelse.
4. Badnesscomesinwaves.
SnafuEquationNo.6
Badnesscomesinwaves.
FirstLawofSocioEconomics
Inahierarchicalsystem,therateofpayforagiventaskincreasesininverseratioto
theunpleasantnessanddifficultyofthetask.
FirstLawofSocioGenetics
Celibacyisnothereditary.
Sociology'sIronLawofOligarchy
Ineveryorganizedactivity,nomatterthesphere,asmallnumberwillbecomethe
oligarchicalleadersandtheotherswillfollow.
Sodd'sFirstLaw
Whenapersonattemptsatask,heorshewillbethwartedinthattaskbythe
unconsciousinterventionofsomeotherpresence(animateorinanimate).
Nevertheless,sometasksarecompleted,sincetheinterveningpresenceisitself
attemptingataskandis,ofcourse,subjecttointerference.
Sodd'sSecondLaw
Soonerorlater,theworstpossiblesetofcircumstancesisboundtooccur.
CorollaryAnysystemmustbedesignedtowithstandtheworstpossiblesetof
circumstances.
Sodd'sOtherLaw
Thedegreeoffailureisindirectproportiontotheeffortexpendedandtotheneed
forsuccess.
LawofSpaceAndTime
Theuniverseisnotonlyweirderthanwesuppose.It'sweirderthanwecan
suppose.
TheSparePartsPrinciple
Theaccessibility,duringrecovery,ofsmallpartswhichfallfromtheworkbench,
variesdirectlywiththesizeofthepart,andinverselywithitsimportancetothe
completionoftheworkunderway.
Spark'sNineRulesfortheProjectManager
1. Strivetolooktremendouslyimportant.
2. Attempttobeseenwithimportantpeople.Speakwithauthorityhowever,only
expoundontheobviousandprovenfacts.

3. Don'tengageinarguments,butifcornered,askanirrelevantquestionandlean
backwithasatisfiedgrinwhileyouropponenttriestofigureoutwhat'sgoingon
thenquicklychangethesubject.
4. Listenintentlywhileothersarearguingtheproblem.Pounceonatritestatement
andburythemwithit.
5. Ifasubordinateasksyouapertinentquestion,lookathimasifhehadlosthis
senses.Whenhelooksdown,paraphrasethequestionbackathim.
6. Obtainabrilliantassignment,butkeepoutofsightandoutofthelimelight.
7. Walkatafastpacewhenoutoftheofficethiskeepsquestionsfromsubordinates
andsuperiorsataminimum.
8. Alwayskeeptheofficedoorclosed.Thisputsvisitorsonthedefensiveandalso
makesitlookasifyouarealwaysinanimportantconference.
9. Giveallordersverbally.Neverwriteanythingdownthatmightgointo"PearlHarbor
File."
Spark'sTenRulesfortheProjectManager
1. Strivetolooktremendouslyimportant.
2. Attempttobeseenwithimportantpeople.
3. Speakwithauthorityhowever,onlyexpoundontheobviousandprovenfacts.
4. Don'tengageinarguments,butifcornered,askanirrelevantquestionandlean
backwithasatisfiedgrinwhileyouropponenttriestofigureoutwhat'sgoingon
thenquicklychangethesubject.
5. Listenintentlywhileothersarearguingtheproblem.Pounceonatritestatement
andburythemwithit.
6. Ifasubordinateasksyouapertinentquestion,lookathimasifhehadlosthis
senses.Whenhelooksdown,paraphrasethequestionbackathim.
7. Obtainabrilliantassignment,butkeepoutofsightandoutofthelimelight.
8. Walkatafastpacewhenoutoftheofficethiskeepsquestionsfromsubordinates
andsuperiorsataminimum.
9. Alwayskeeptheofficedoorclosed.Thisputsvisitorsonthedefensiveandalso
makesitlookasifyouarealwaysinanimportantconference.
10. Giveallordersverbally.Neverwriteanythingdownthatmightgointoa"Pearl
HarborFile."
Specht'sMetaLaw
Underanyconditions,anywhere,whateveryouaredoing,thereissomeordinance
underwhichyoucanbebooked.
SportCarLaws
1. Ifyoudriveanexpensivesportcarandparkitinacorneroftheparkinglotfarfrom
theentrance,whenyoureturntheonlyothercarintheparkinglotwillbeparked
nexttoyoursandyourcarwillhaveanewdentinthedoor.
2. ThelittleoldladywhojustranhershoppingcartintothedoorofyournewPorsche
willinvariablysay"it'sjustateenydent,"or"afterall,it'sonlyacar."
LawofSportsContracts
Themoremoneythefreeagentsignsfor,thelesseffectiveheisthefollowing
season.
Sprinkle'sLaw
Thingsalwaysfallatrightangles.

Stamp'sStatisticalProbability
Thegovernmentisextremelyfondofamassinggreatquantitiesofstatistics.These
areraisedtothenthdegree,thecuberootsareextracted,andtheresultsare
arrangedintoelaborateandimpressivedisplays.Whatmustbekepteverinmind,
however,isthatineverycase,thefiguresarefirstputdownbyavillagewatchman,
andheputsdownanythinghedamnwellpleases.
Stanley'sLawofTakingThingsApart
Whenputtingthingsbacktogetheragain,therewillalwaysbeatleastonepieceleft
overthatwillnotfitanywhere.
Stanley'sLawsofFat
Fatexpandstofillanyapparelworn.
LawofStatus
KeepUpWithTheFletcher's.You'llNeverMakeEnoughToKeepUpWithThe
Jones's.
Steele'sPlagiarismofSomebody'sPhilosophy
EveryoneshouldbelieveinsomethingIbelieveI'llhaveanotherdrink.
Stein'sLawofCards
NeverplayPokerwithaplayernamedDocorAce.
Stein'sMaxim
Thefactthatyoudonotknowtheanswerdoesnotmeanthatsomeoneelsedoes.
Steinbeck'sLaw
Whenyouneedtowns,theyareveryfarapart.
Stenton'sLaw(Conrad'sConundrum)
Technologydon'ttransfer.
Stephens'sSoliloquy
Finalityisdeath.Perfectionisfinality.Nothingisperfect.Therearelumpsinit.
Stewart'sLawofRetroaction
Itiseasiertogetforgivenessthanpermission.
StockMarketAxiom
Thepublicisalwayswrong.
Stock'sObservation
Younosoonergetyourheadabovewaterthansomeonepullsyourflippersoff.
Stockbroker'sDeclaration
Themarketwillrallyfromthisorlowerlevels.
Stockmayer'sTheorem
Ifitlookseasy,it'stough.Ifitlookstough,it'sdamnnearimpossible.
Stone'sLaw

Ifyoumissoneissueofanymagazine,itwillbetheissuewhichcontainedthe
articleorstoryorinstallmentyouweremostanxioustoread.
Street'sLawsofMailOrder
1. Ifyoudon'twritetocomplainyou'llneverreceivetheorder.
2. Ifyoudowritetocomplain,you'llreceivethemerchandisebeforeyourangryletter
reachesthecompany.
3. Themostimportantiteminanorderwillbebackordered.
Sturgeon'sLaw
NinetypercentofEVERYTHINGiscrud.
Jones'browsingaddendumtoSturgeon'sLaw
Ofthetenpercent,ninetypercentarereprints.
Sueker'sNote
Ifyouneednitemsofanything,youwillhaven1instock.
Suhor'sLaw
Alittleambiguityneverhurtanyone.
LawofSuperiority
Thefirstexampleofsuperiorprincipleisalwaysinferiortothedevelopedexampleof
inferiorprinciple.
LawofSupermarkets
Theitemyouwantedtopricecomparewithotheritemsisnotpriced.
LawofSuperstition
It'sbadlucktobesuperstititious.
SurvivalFormulaforPublicOffice
1. Exploittheinevitable(whichmeans,takecreditforanythinggoodwhichhappens
whetheryouhadanythingtodowithitornot).
2. Don'tdisturbtheperimeter(meaningdon'tstirupamessunlessyoucanbesureof
theresult).
3. StayinwiththeOuts(theInswillmakesomanymistakes,youcan'taffordto
alienatetheOuts).
4. Don'tpermityourselftogetbetweenadogandalamppost.
Sutton'sLaw
Gowherethemoneyis.
Sweeney'sLaw
Thelengthofaprogressreportisinverselyproportionaltotheamountofprogress.
Swipple'sRuleofOrder
Hewhoshoutsloudesthasthefloor.

TaxiPrinciple
Findoutthecostbeforeyougetin.
LawofTeenageOpportunity
Whenopportunityknocks,you'vegotheadphoneson.
LawofTelevision
IfyouhaveonlywatchedaTVseriesonce,andyouwatchitagain,itwillbearerun
ofthesameepisode.
Terman'sLaw
Thereisnodirectrelationshipbetweenthequalityofaneducationalprogramandits
cost.
Terman'sLawofInnovation
Ifyouwantatrackteamtowinthehighjumpyoufindonepersonwhocanjump
sevenfeet,notsevenpeoplewhocanjumponefoot.
Teslacle'sDevianttoFudd'sLaw
Itgoesinitmustcomeout.
Themwhathasgets.Wakefield'sRefutationoftheIronLawofDistribution
Themwhatgetshas.
Theoryoforganizationaldeviance
Everyorganizationhasanallottednumberofpositionstobefilledbyincompetents.
TheoryoftheInternationalSocietyofPhilosophicEngineering
1. Inanycalculation,anyerrorwhichcancreepinwilldoso.
2. Anyerrorinanycalculationwillbeinthedirectionofmostharm.
3. Inanyformula,constants(especiallythoseobtainedfromengineeringhandbooks)
aretobetreatedasvariables.
4. Thebestapproximationofserviceconditionsinthelaboratorywillnotbegintomeet
thoseconditionsencounteredinactualservice.
5. Themostvitaldimensiononanyplanordrawingstandsthegreatestchanceof
beingomitted.
6. Ifonlyonebidcanbesecuredonanyproject,thepricewillbeunreasonable.
7. Ifatestinstallationfunctionsperfectly,allsubsequentproductionunitswill
malfunction.
8. Alldeliverypromisesmustbemultipliedbyafactorof2.0.
9. Majorchangesinconstructionwillalwaysberequestedafterfabricationisnearly
completed.
10. Partsthatpositivelycannotbeassembledinimproperorderwillbe.
11. Interchangeablepartswon't.
12. Manufacturer'sspecificationsofperformanceshouldbemultipliedbyafactorof0.5.
13. Salespeople'sclaimsforperformanceshouldbemultipliedbyafactorof0.25.
14. InstallationandOperatingInstructionsshippedwiththedevicewillbepromptly
discardedbytheReceivingDepartment.
15. Anydevicerequiringserviceoradjustmentwillbeleastaccessible.
16. ServiceConditionsasgivenonspecificationswillbeexceeded.
17. Ifmorethanonepersonisresponsibleforamiscalculation,noonewillbeatfault.

18. Identicalunitswhichtestinanidenticalfashionwillnotbehaveinanidentical
fashioninthefield.
19. If,inengineeringpractice,asafetyfactorissetthroughserviceexperienceatan
ultimatevalue,aningeniousidiotwillpromptlycalculateamethodtoexceedsaid
safetyfactor.
20. Warrantyandguaranteeclausesarevoidedbypaymentoftheinvoice.
Therapist'sObservation
It'seasytocriticizeparanoidpeople,butifeverybodyhatedyou,you'dbeparanoid
too.
FourthLawofThermodynamics
Iftheprobabilityofsuccessisnotalmostone,thenitisdamnednearzero.
ThinkingMan'sTautology
Ifyouthinkyou'rewrong,you'rewrong.
CorollaryIfyouthinkyou'rewrong,you'reright.
Thomas'sLawofConsumerism
1. Aoneyearwarrantyguaranteesthattheproductwillselfdestructonthe366thday.
2. Allwarrantiesexpireuponpaymentofinvoice.
3. Thenegative"ConsumerReport"ontheitemyouwanttobuywillcomeoutone
weekafteryou'vepurchasedit.
Thoreau'sLaw
Ifyouseeamanapproachingyouwiththeobviousintentionofdoingyougood,you
shouldrunforyourlife.
Thoreau'sRule
Anyfoolcanmakearule,andeveryfoolwillmindit.
ThoughtsonManagement
Ifeveryonedislikesit,itmustbelookedinto.Ifeveryonelikesit,itmustbelooked
into.
ThoughtsonProgramming,Number52
Theuserdoesnotknowwhathewantsuntilheseeswhathegets.
TheThreeLawsofRobotics
1. Arobotmaynotinjureahumanbeingor,throughinaction,allowahumanbeingto
cometoharm.
2. Arobotmustobeytheordersgivenitbyhumanbeingsexceptwheresuchorders
wouldconflictwiththeFirstLaw.
3. Arobotmustprotectitsownexistenceaslongassuchprotectiondoesnotconflict
withtheFirstorSecondLaws.
ThreeLiesAccordingtoPlayboy
1. Thecheck'sinthemail.
2. Anticipationishalfthefun.
3. IpromiseIwon'tcomeinyourmouth.
Hare'sAdditionalLie
Thiswillhurtmemorethanithurtsyou.

Lowry'sAdditionalLie
I'veneverdonethisbefore.
Thurber'sConclusion
Thereisnosafetyinnumbers,orinanythingelse.
Thwartz'sTheoremofLowProfile
Negativeexpectationthwartsrealization,andselfcongratulationguarantees
disaster.(Or,simplyput:Ifyouthinkofit,itwon'thappenquitethatway.)
Thyme'sLaw
Everythinggoeswrongatonce.
TimeObservation
Goodtimesendtooquickly.Badtimesgoonforever.
Tinker'sLaw
Natureabhorspeople.
Tipper'sLaw
Thosewhoexpectthebiggesttipsprovidetheworstservice.
TitanicCoincidence
Mostaccidentsinwelldesignedsystemsinvolvetwoormoreeventsoflow
probabilityoccurringintheworstpossiblecombination.
TitanicsGeneralizedIcebergTheorem
Seveneighthsofeverythingcan'tbeseen.
Todd'sPoliticalPrinciples
1. Nomatterwhatthey'retellingyouthey'renottellingyouthewholetruth.
2. Nomatterwhatthey'retalkingabout,they'retalkingaboutmoney.
3. Thelengthoftimeittakesabilltopassthroughthelegislatureisininverse
proportiontothenumberoflobbyinggroupsfavoringit.
4. Nopoliticiantalksabouttaxesduringanelectionyear.
5. Truthvaries.
LawoftheTooSolidGoof
Inanycollectionofdata,thefiguresthatareobviouslycorrectbeyondallneedof
checkingcontaintheerrors.
Corollary1:Nooneyouaskforhelpwillseetheerroreither.
Corollary2:Anynaggingintruder,who
Torquemada'sLaw
Whenyouaresureyou'reright,youhaveamoraldutytoimposeyourwillupon
anyonewhodisagreeswithyou.
TranscriptionSquareLaw
Thenumberoferrorsmadeisequaltothesumofthesquaresemployed.
FirstLawofTravel
Nomatterhowmanyroomsthereareinthemotel,thefellowwhostartsuphiscar

atfiveo'clockinthemorningisalwaysparkedunderyourwindow.
TravelAxiom
Hetravelsfastestwhotravelsalone...buthehasn'tanythingtodowhenhegets
there.
TrialLawyer'sDilemma
Youcan'tguardagainstthearbitrary.
Trischmann'sParadox(AxiomofthePipe)
Apipegivesawisemantimetothinkandafoolsomethingtostickinhismouth.
LawofTriviality
Thetimespentonanyitemoftheagendawillbeininverseproportiontothesum
involved.
Troutman'sLawsofComputerProgramming(andseePeck'sProgramming
Postulates)
1. Anyrunningprogramisobsolete.
2. Anyplannedprogramcostsmoreandtakeslonger.
3. Anyusefulprogramwillhavetobechanged.
4. Anyuselessprogramwillhavetobedocumented.
5. Anyprogramwillexpandtofillavailablememory.
Andi'sAddendumAndbeyond.
6. Thesizeofaprogramexpandstofillallavailablememory.
7. Thevalueofaprogramisinverselyproportionaltotheweightofitsoutput.
8. Thecomplexityofaprogramgrowsuntilitexceedsthecapabilityofitsmaintainers.
9. Anysystemthatreliesoncomputerreliabilityisunreliable.
10. Anysystemthatreliesonhumanreliabilityisunreliable.
11. MakeitpossibleforprogrammerstowriteprogramsinEnglish,andyouwillfindthat
programmerscannotwriteinEnglish.
12. Profanityistheonelanguageallprogrammersknowbest.
Troutman'sProgrammingPostulates
1. Ifatestinstallationfunctionsperfectly,allsubsequentsystemswillmalfunction.
2. Notuntilaprogramhasbeeninproductionforatleastsixmonthswillthemost
harmfulerrorbediscovered.
3. Jobcontrolcardsthatpositivelycannotbearrangedinproperorderwillbe.
4. Interchangeabletapeswon't.
5. Iftheinputeditorhasbeendesignedtorejectallbadinput,aningeniousidiotwill
discoveramethodtogetbaddatapastit.
Truman'sLaw
Ifyoucannotconvincethem,confusethem.
Trump'sQuirkofHumanNature
Nobodylovesawinnerwhowinsallthetime.
TruthsofManagement
1. Thinkbeforeyouactit'snotyourmoney.
2. Allgoodmanagementistheexpressionofonegreatidea.

3. Noexecutivedevotesefforttoprovinghimselfwrong.
4. Cashinmustexceedcashout.
5. Managementcapabilityisalwayslessthantheorganizationactuallyneeds.
Truth5.1ofManagement:Organizationsalwayshavetoomanymanagers.
6. Eitheranexecutivecandohisjoborhecan't.
7. Ifsophisticatedcalculationsareneededtojustifyanaction,don'tdoit.
8. Ifyouaredoingsomethingwrong,youwilldoitbadly.
9. Ifyouareattemptingtheimpossible,youwillfail.
10. Theeasiestwayofmakingmoneyistostoplosingit.
Tuccille'sFirstLawofReality
Industryalwaysmovesintofillaneconomicvacuum.
Turnauckas'sObservation
Toerrishumantoreallyfoulthingsuptakesacomputer.
Turner'sLaw
Nearlyallpropheciesmadeinpublicarewrong.
Twain'sRule
Onlykings,editors,andpeoplewithtapewormhavetherighttousetheeditorial
"we".
Tylk'sLaw
Assumptionisthemotherofallfoulups.

U
Ubell'sLawofPressLuncheons
Atanypublicrelationsluncheon,thequalityofthefoodisinverselyrelatedtothe
qualityoftheinformation.
Uhlmann'sRazor
Whenstupidityisasufficientexplanation,thereisnoneedtohaverecoursetoany
other.
Corollary(LawofHistoricalCausation)Itseemedlikethethingtodoatthe
time."
TheUltimateLaw
Allgeneralstatementsarefalse.
TheUltimatePrinciple
Bydefinition,whenyouareinvestigatingtheunknown,youdonotknowwhatyou
willfind.
TheUltimateWisdom
Philosophersmustultimatelyfindtheirtrueperfectioninknowingallthefolliesof
mankindbyintrospection.
UmbrellaLaw

Youwillneedthreeumbrellas:onetoleaveattheoffice,onetoleaveathome,and
onetoleaveonthetrain.
TheUnapplicableLaw
Washingyourcartomakeitraindoesn'twork.
UniversalFieldTheoryofPerversity(Mule'sLaw)
Theprobabilityofanevent'soccurringvariesdirectlywiththeperversityofthe
inanimateobjectinvolvedandinverselywiththeproductofitsdesirabilityandthe
effortexpendedtoproduceit.
UniversalLaw
Anythingthatbeginswellendsbadly.Anythingthatbeginsbadlyendsworse.
UnnamedLaw
Ifithappens,itmustbepossible.
TheUnspeakableLaw
Assoonasyoumentionsomething,ifit'sgood,itgoesawayifit'sbad,ithappens.

V
Vail'sAxiom
Inanyhumanenterprise,workseeksthelowesthierarchicallevel.
VanRoy'sLaw
Anunbreakabletoyisusefulforbreakingothertoys.
Vance'sRuleof21/2
Anymilitaryprojectwilltaketwiceaslongasplanned,costtwiceasmuch,and
produceonlyhalfofwhatiswanted.
LawofVerticalTransportation
Inathreestorybuildingservedbyoneelevator,theelevatorcarwillbeonafloor
whereyouarenot.
Vique'sLaw
Amanwithoutreligionislikeafishwithoutabicycle.
VonBraun'sLawofGravity
Wecanlickgravity,butsometimesthepaperworkisoverwhelming.
VonHelsing'sTheorem
Ifatfirstyoudon'tsucceed,skydivingisnotforyou.
Vonnegut'sCorollary
Beautymaybeonlyskindeep,butuglinessgoesrighttothecore.

Waddell'sLawofEquipmentFailure
Acomponent'sdegreeofreliabilityisdirectlyproportionaltoitseaseofaccessibility
(i.e.,theharderitistogetto,themoreoftenitbreaksdown).
Waffle'sLaw
Aprofessor'senthusiasmforteachingtheintroductorycoursevariesinverselywith
thelikelihoodofhishavingtodoit.
Wain'sConclusion
Theonlypeoplemakingmoneythesedaysaretheoneswhosellcomputerpaper.
Wakefield'sRefutationoftheIronLawofDistribution
Themwhatgets,has.
Waldo'sObservation
Oneman'sredtapeisanotherman'ssystem.
Walinsky'sFirstLawofPoliticalCampaigns
Iftherearetwelveclownsinaring,youcanjumpinthemiddleandstartreciting
Shakespeare,buttotheaudience,you'lljustbethethirteenthclown.
Walinsky'sLaw
Theintelligenceofanydiscussiondiminisheswiththesquareofthenumberof
participants.
Walker'sLaw
Associatewithwellmanneredpersonsandyourmannerswillimprove.Runwith
decentfolkandyourowndecentinstinctswillbestrengthened.Keepthecompany
ofbumsandyouwillbecomeabum.Hangaroundwithrichpeopleandyouwillend
bypickingupthecheckanddyingbroke.
Wallace'sObservation
Everythingisinastateofutterdishevelment.
Walters'sLawofManagement
Ifyou'realreadyinahole,there'snousetocontinuedigging.
Washington'sLaw
SpaceexpandstohousethepeopletoperformtheworkthatCongresscreates.
TheWatergatePrinciple
Governmentcorruptionisalwaysreportedinthepasttense.
Watson'sLaw
Thereliabilityofmachineryisinverselyproportionaltothenumberandsignificance
ofanypersonswatchingit.
Watson'sLawofCleaning
Ifyoustarttocleanyourdeskinthesparebedroomyouwillprobablyhavetoclean
thegaragetofindwhatyouneedtofinishcleaningthedesk.
RuleoftheWayOut

Alwaysleaveroomtoaddanexplanationifitdoesn'tworkout.
LawofWealth
Victorygoestothecandidatewiththemostaccumulatedorcontributedwealthwho
hasthefinancialresourcestoconvincethemiddleclassandpoorthathewillbeon
theirside.
Weaver'sLaw
Whenseveralreportersshareacabonanassignment,thereporterinthefrontseat
paysforall.
Corollary(O'Doyle)Nomatterhowmanyreportersshareacab,andnomatter
whopays,eachputsthefullfareonhisownexpenseaccount.
Corollary(Germond)Whenagroupofnewsmengoouttodinnertogether,thebill
istobedividedevenlyamongthem,regardlessofwhateachoneeatsanddrinks.
WeberFechnerLaw
Theleastchangeinstimulusnecessarytoproduceaperceptiblechangein
responseisproportionaltothestimulusalreadyexisting.
Weidner'sQueries
1. Thetidecomesinandthetidegoesout,andwhathaveyougot?
2. Theysayanelephantneverforgets,butwhat'shegottoremember?
Weiler'sLaw
Nothingisimpossibleforthemanwhodoesn'thavetodoithimself.
Weinberg'sFirstLaw
ProgressismadeonalternateFridays.
Weinberg'sSecondLaw
Ifbuildersbuiltbuildingsthewayprogrammerswroteprograms,thenthefirst
woodpeckerthatcamealongwoulddestroycivilization.
CorollaryAnexpertisapersonwhoavoidsthesmallerrorswhilesweepingonto
theGrandFallacy.
Weiner'sLawofLibraries
Therearenoanswers,onlycrossreferences.
Weisman'sLawofExaminations
Ifyou'reconfidentafteryou'vejustfinishedanexam,it'sbecauseyoudon'tknow
enoughtoknowbetter.
Wells'sLaw
AparadeshouldhavebandsORhorses,notboth.
Weskimen'sLaw
There'snevertimetodoitright,butthereisalwaystimetoditover.
Westheimer'sLaw
Afewmonthsinthelaboratorycansaveafewhoursinthelibrary.
Westheimer'sRule

Toestimatethetimeittakestodoataskestimatethetimeyouthinkitshouldtake,
multiplybytwoandchangetheunitofthemeasuretothenexthighestunit.Thus,
weallocatetwodaysforaonehourtask.
Wethern'sLaw
Assumptionisthemotherofallscrewups.
TheWhisperedRule
Peoplewillbelieveanythingifyouwhisperit.
WhiteFlagPrinciple
Amilitarydisastermayproduceabetterpostwarsituationthanvictory.
White'sChappaquiddickTheorem
Thesoonerandinmoredetailyouannouncebadnews,thebetter.
White'sObservationsofCommitteeOperation
1. Peopleveryrarelythinkingroupstheytalktogether,theyexchangeinformation,
theyadjudicate,theymakecompromises.Buttheydonotthinktheydonotcreate.
2. Areallynewideaaffrontscurrentagreement.
3. Ameetingcannotbeproductiveunlesscertainpremisesaresosharedthattheydo
notneedtobediscussed,andtheargumentcanbeconfinedtoareasof
disagreement.Butwhilethiskindofconsensusmakesagroupmoreeffectiveinits
legitimatefunctions,itdoesnotmakethegroupacreativevehicleitwouldnotbe
anewideaifitdidn'tandthegroup,impelledasitistoagree,isinstinctively
hostiletothatwhichisdivisive.
White'sStatement
Don'tloseheart...
Owen'sCommentonWhite'sStatement:...theymightwanttocutitout...
Byrd'sAdditiontoOwen'sCommentonWhite'sStatement:...andtheywantto
avoidalengthysearch.
Whitehead'sLaw
Theobviousanswerisalwaysoverlooked.
WholePicturePrinciple
Researchscientistsaresowrappedupintheirownnarrowendeavorsthatthey
cannotpossiblyseethewholepictureofanything,includingtheirownresearch.
CorollaryTheDirectorofResearchshouldknowaslittleaspossibleaboutthe
specificsubjectofresearchheisadministering.
Wicker'sLaw
Governmentexpandstoabsorbrevenue,andthensome.
Wilcox'sLaw
Apatonthebackisonlyafewcentimetersfromakickinthepants.
Will'sRuleofInformedCitizenship
Ifyouwanttounderstandyourgovernment,don'tbeginbyreadingtheConstitution.
(Itconveyspreciouslittleoftheflavoroftoday'sstatecraft.)Insteadreadselected
portionsoftheWashingtontelephonedirectorycontaininglistingsforallthe

organizationswithtitlesbeginningwiththeword"National".
WilliamsandHolland'sLaw
Ifenoughdataiscollected,anythingmaybeprovenbystatisticalmethods.
WillieBrown'sPrinciple
Peoplewholovesausageandrespectthelawshouldneverwatcheitheronebeing
made.
Wilson'sLawofDemographics
Thepublicisnotmadeupofpeoplewhogettheirnamesinthenewspapers.
TheFirstLawofWingWalking
Neverletholdofwhatyou'vegotuntilyou'vegotholdofsomethingelse.
FirstLawofWingWalking
Neverleaveholdofwhatyou'vegotuntilyou'vegotholdofsomethingelse.
Wingo'sAxiom
AllFinagleLawsmaybebypassedbylearningthesimpleartofdoingwithout
thinking.
LawofWisdom
Wisdomisconsideredasignofweaknessbythepowerfulbecauseawisemancan
leadwithoutpowerbutonlyapowerfulmancanleadwithoutwisdom.
Witten'sLaw
Wheneveryoucutyourfingernails,youwillfindaneedforthemanhourlater.
Wober'sSNIDERule(SatisfiedNeedsInciteDemandExcesses)
Idealgoalsgrowfasterthanthemeansofattainingnewgoalsallow.
Wolf'sLaw(AnOptimisticViewofaPessimisticWorld)
Itisn'tthatthingswillnecessarilygowrong(Murphy'sLaw),butratherthattheywill
takesomuchmoretimeandeffortthanyouthinkiftheyarenottogowrong.
Wolf'sLawofDecisionMaking
Majoractionsarerarelydecidedbymorethanfourpeople.Ifyouthinkalarger
meetingyou'reattendingisreally"hammeringout"adecision,you'reprobably
wrong.Eitherthedecisionwasagreedtobyasmallergroupbeforethemeeting
began,ortheoutcomeofthelargermeetingwillbemodifiedlaterwhenthreeorfour
peoplegettogether.
Wolf'sLawofHistoryLessons
Thosewhodon'tstudythepastwillrepeatitserrors.Thosewhodostudyitwillfind
OTHERwaystoerr.
Wolf'sLawofManagement
Thetaskstodoimmediatelyaretheminoronesotherwise,you'llforgetthem.The
majoronesareoftenbettertodefer.Theyusuallyneedmoretimeforreflection.
Besides,ifyouforgetthem,they'llremindyou.

Wolf'sLawofMeetings
Theonlyimportantresultofameetingisagreementaboutnextsteps.
Wolf'sLawofPlanning
Agoodplacetostartfromiswhereyouare.
Wolf'sLawofTactics
Ifyoucan'tbeatthem,havethemjoinyou.
Woltman'sLaw
Neverprogramanddrinkbeeratthesametime.
Woman'sEquation
Whateverwomendo,theymustdotwiceaswellasmentobethoughthalfasgood.
Luckily,thisisnotdifficult.
Wood'sLaw
Themoreunworkabletheurbanplan,thegreatertheprobabilityofimplementation.
Woods'sIncompleteMaxims
1. All'swellthatends.
2. Apennysavedisapenny.
3. Don'tleavethingsunfinishe
Woods'sLawsofProcrastination
1. Neverputofftilltomorrowwhatyoucandothedayaftertomorrow.
2. Procrastinatetoday!(Tomorrowmaybetoolate.)
3. NOWisthetimetodothingslater!
4. Ifatfirstyoudon'tsucceed,whytryagain?
Woods'sRefutationoftheFirstLawofSocioGenetics
Onthecontrary,ifyouneverprocreate,neitherwillyourkids.
Woodward'sLaw
Atheoryisbetterthananexplanation.
Worker'sDilemmaLaw(Management'sPutDownLaw)
1. Nomatterhowmuchyoudo,you'llneverdoenough.
2. Whatyoudon'tdoisalwaysmoreimportantthanwhatyoudodo.
Wynne'sLaw
Negativeslacktendstoincrease.
Wyszkowski'sTheorem
Regardlessoftheunitsusedbyeitherthesupplierorthecustomer,the
manufacturershallusehisownarbitraryunitsconvertibletothoseofeitherthe
supplierorthecustomeronlybymeansofweirdandunnaturalconversionfactors.
Wyszowski'sLaws
1. Noexperimentisreproducible.
2. Anythingcanbemadetoworkifyoufiddlewithitlongenough.
3. Regardlessoftheunitsusedbyeitherthesupplierorthecustomer,the

manufacturershallusehisownarbitraryunitsconvertibletothoseofeitherthe
supplierorthecustomeronlybymeansofweirdandunnaturalconversionfactors.

Y
Yapp'sBasicFact
Ifathingcannotbefittedintosomethingsmallerthanitself,somedopewilldoit.
Yolen'sGuideforSelfPraise
Proclaimyourself"WorldChamp"ofsomethingtiddlywinks,ropejumping,
whateversendthisnoticetonewspapers,radio,TV,andwaitforchallengersto
confrontyou.Avoidchallengesaslongaspossible,butcontinuetosendnewsof
yourachievementstoallmedia.Also,developanewsletterandletterheadfor
communications.
Young'sHandyGuidetotheModernSciences
IfitisgreenoritwigglesitisBiology.
IfitstinksitisChemistry.
Ifitdoesn'tworkitisPhysics.
Young'sLaw
Allgreatdiscoveriesaremadebymistake.
CorollaryThegreaterthefunding,thelongerittakestomakethemistake.

Z
Zamboni'sPartsLaws
1. Adroppedpartwillalwaysrolltotheexactgeographiccenterofthelargestavailable
objectforittorollunder.
2. Theprobabilityofthelossorbreakageofanypartisdirectlyproportionaltothe
difficultyofgettingareplacementpart.
3. Irreplaceablepartswillalwaysbreakorbelost,andattheworstpossibletime.
4. Replaceablepartswillonlybecomeavailableafteranimportantdeadlinehas
passed.
5. Partsthataredifficulttoinstallwillfreelyfalloutontheirown.
6. Partsthatgoineasilywillbeextremelyhardtoremove,andremovalwillbe
necessarytoaccomplishtheneededrepair.
7. Thepartyouwillneedwillbetheirreplaceablepartyouthrewawaylastweek
becausethereisnomoreserviceableequipmentofthattypearound.
Zellar'sLaw
Everynewspaper,nomatterhowtightthenewshole,hasroomforastoryon
anothernewspaperincreasingitsnewsstandprice.
Zimmerman'sLaw
Regardlessofwhetheramissionexpandsorcontracts,administrativeoverhead
continuestogrowatasteadyrate.

Zimmerman'sLawofComplaints
Nobodynoticeswhenthingsgoright.
Zusmann'sRule
Asuccessfulsymposiumdependsontheratioofmeetingtoeating.
Zymurgy'sFirstLawofEvolvingSystemsDynamics
Onceyouopenacanofworms,theonlywaytorecanthemistousealargercan.
(Oldwormsneverdie,theyjustwormtheirwayintolargercans.)
Zymurgy'sLawofVolunteerLabour
Peoplearealwaysavailableforworkinthepasttense.
Zymurgy'sSeventhExceptiontoMurphy'sLaws
Whenitrains,itpours.
Copyright1996,97byAndreasGtzgoetz@stud.unihannover.de.Allrightsreserved.

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