Suicidal Thoughts

I am an addict . nice to meet you. I am an

invalid, and it seems that my condition is terminal. I dont
mean to sound all gloom and doom but lets face it. Odds are
that i will eat a bullet one day , Overdose , or live out my
days in this sorry state . And I was not making a comment on
the great state of Texas. No I meant as a prisoner in my own
body or as an inmate in prison. Locked away in some psych
ward. Or maybe an invalid in a nursing home at the age of
50 from all the fun drug use! Of course the possibility also
exists that one day my liver or kidneys might even shut
down and I might find myself on some list seeking an organ
donor . Or fun fun! On dialysis everyday to keep me alive.
Nice sentiments you think? No, cold hard facts. I am terrified
to be honest. But what choice do I have? Its not as though
we wake one day thinking to ourselves , hey! I am pretty
certain I would like to be a diabetic! And I dont mean just a
bit diabetic , oh no I want the whole enchilada the finger
pricks, mood swings, uncontrollable blood sugar levels,
hypertension, heart disease, injections of insulin,
the..whole....fucking....thing. An unrelenting, indescribable
hell on earth.
Hell, why dont you guys just chop off my legs
while we are at it? Now we as addicts do choose to be in our
state of dismay I suppose. No, that isnt right, who would
choose to exist in this circle of hell? Dante had it right, there
are nine circles of hell each more terrible than the last and
addiction is the final one..... damnation.....Facilius descensus
averno - Latin- translated: The descent into hell is easy.
I remember vaguely my choice to begin using
drugs . It was a foolish and ignorant attempt at making my
personal demons go away.I felt that I Could not bear the
pain. At that time in my life with the limited maturity I
posessed I made the decision that feeling anything painful
was unbearable. Not realizing that I had just chosen a path
that might ultimately destroy me. This is a daily battle. One
that is won by inches not miles . By self grappling and
 determination. By sheer willpower, if you will-but mine is all
gone. So what to do? I am at a crossroads. And rational ,
intelligent thought escapes me in the all encompassing need
to FEEL the same rush again and again. Knowing it can never
satisfy. Deep down I do know that. I really do . But I feel
caught in a vortex, an undertow, a Goddamned whirlpool
swirling into nothingness. Not far from the truth if any of you
have ever known or loved a junkie. How many do you know
who have died from this disease? I have lost count and they
were, many of them ,not just casual acquantances. No I feel
each ones loss. I miss them from time to time. I do not
forget. They were humans. Valuable and resourceful in many
respects. Many of them quite intelligent. Some of them were
even personal lovers .Those I miss the most with a fondness
one can only have for someone who has held you close and
suffered alongside you in a battle that you never seem to
win. And there lies the rub my friend. It cannot be done.
Winning the war on drugs would only be possible if there
were a" war". This government profits from our addictions to
the point that , trust me on this they DO NOT want addicts
to stop.
If you were to add up the money from siezed
assets, houses, cars, boats, land, cash and the drugs they
seize and resell on the street to be used in sting operations.
Now hold that number. Keep it in the back of your mind and
we will return to it later. Now factor in Lawyers legal fees,
court costs, fines, community service, parole violators
monthly fees, probation violators monthly fees, it goes on
and on . Our law enforcement community recieves federal
grants in the name of fighting the war on drugs . At the same
time at least twice a year all the local Law enforcement
agencies begin calling everyone in the phone book asking for
donations for equipment, training, weapons , Who knows
thier real motives? adding insult to injury? sadistic
amusement? Or
Maybe they find it fucking funny. I mean it is ludicrous to
think they actually require any more of our money. Where I
ask you, does the money go we allocate every year to give
them? Can you say budget? Can they? I havent even
mentioned the good old fines we pay for traffic violations
ranging from anything to driving with no license , driving
while intoxicated. Illegal dumping , jaywalking, operation of
an unsafe motor vehicle, Are you aware that in the fine print
of every ticket written you will find all the fees we pay our
city, county, state and federal court officials to operate
those courts? Recieve a fine for any city infraction and you
will see in your reciept. Fees for 'building security' for Gods
sake! We are talking about a stone fortress with at least
thirty or more armed Peace officers all just itching for some
nut to walk in and start shooting the place up. I mean they
are all locked behind bulletproof glass. How the hell you
gonna hit em? Besides they have a full armory in there . Full
of neat stuff.
But returning to the fleecing we all take it
seems a neverending list, Failure to yield right of way,
headlight out . Turn signal out , brake light out. yada yada
yada they have a law for every occasion and if you breathe
and live in the good ole U.S.A. you will ,in your lifetime,
whether on purpose or unintentionally; break one. Mark my
words, I am 39 yrs old and I am getting to an age where I
have pretty much seen most things and mister, the system
is rigged. Just take note the next time you go and pay a fine
at a city court how many people are in line in front of you.
Come back the next day, hell, bring a sandwich ,stay
awhile .Just try and count all the poor saps just working
some minimum wage, pathetic job who are there simply
trying to stay out of jail so they can slave on making that
chump change. It is disgraceful. And if it doesnt remind you
of merry old England and the illegal taxation our forefathers
fled, well , it should And it need'nt be so. We as a people
have the right and the duty, when we see corruption in our
governments to overthrow it and destroy it. One of our
much celebrated founding fathers ; Thomas Jefferson stated
that " The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time
with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Is this not our duty as
free men? If we see tyranny in our government to make
them step down and "refresh" it with a new one? Ah, but
thats going to be an issue now isnt it? Were you, mister John
Q. Public to attempt to overthrow the present leadership in
the United States of America. I promise you that you would
be branded a traitor! A Terrorist. You would recieve an
impartial and " Fair" trial with a jury of your peers too afraid
to speak up lest they join you in the lethal injection chamber.
Which is where you would be headed I assure you. As
Benjamin Franklin once stated " We must indeed, all hang
together or ,most assuredly, we shall all hang seperately."
These men created our bill of rights and our famous
constitution. Are these merely old displays in our nations
capitol put there for the tourist trade? Does our government
simply make up our laws as they go along? Ratifying ,
drafting , amending ? selling our souls to the specail interest
groups who funded thier campaign. Or are they selling our
asses to them? Do you ever feel pimped out? I do. Pass the
lubricant around it is gonna be a long night. Is our judicial
and government system corrupt......YES! Do you need a UFO
to land and inform you that this shit is underhanded? I really
don't think so.

Judas Iscariot would be so proud. silver changes

hands, deals are made. the die is cast. Integrity is a thing we
all long for, but dimly recall. As children we learn to
"pretend" and it seems to stick. A pattern is formed early on
in the American mind set. We teach our children not to
question or argue with Mommy and Daddy. Follow the rules.
Policemen are our friends. Obey the law and be good
honorable citizens. I am not the most politically savvy
individual. But that sounds a bit like Marxism or
Communism. For the good of ' the state'. We must all be
one.

But back on my original rant. Lets look at this

situation with that 'War on drugs' notice that ? I just used the
word drugs not pharmaceuticals! When we used to go pick
up medicine after a doctors visit with our parents we went to
a pharmacy, Not! a drug store. Now on every corner in
America we see what? Drug stores. Our children are
inundated with anti "drug" messages from birth on television
everyday. The Dare program at our local schools teaches
them to just say " No".. And we as adults all know what
happens when you tell a child repeatedly to " dont use
drugs" what I ask you does a child usually do when we tell
them not to do something. hmmm? Enough said. We as a
people have been led to believe that drugs are "bad" and
should be illegal in our country. Maybe so, I have already
confessed quite openly that I am an incurable addict.
Admittedly I have also got a criminal history that now makes
it difficult to find gainful employment, rent suitable housing,
recieve any federal assistance for food or child support. And
even disqualifies me from many government jobs. I will
never again touch or shoot any type of firearm and I have
never used a gun in the commision of a crime. Well I did
shoot that dog years ago, but I digress. That was a
misdemeanor crime. We are talking here about felony drug
charges. You see, I am a convicted felon. Our government
has deemed it necessary to make it a felony to sell drugs.
Why though? In Amsterdam Marijauna use is everyday and
legal in small amounts. Prostitution as well. The coffee shops
are openly frequented by the tourist trade and locals alike. It
is a proven fact that the crime rate there is not as bad as
ours. Makes me wonder...... Is legalization the
option? I honestly don't know .But I do know the facts
regarding my incarceration. My case was simple. A man I
had just met asked me if I knew anywhere that I could get
him methamphetamine. I was no pusher on the street. He
approached me. I said sure . Went and got him what he
asked for. Didnt know he was working for the local narcotics
unit. He didnt wear a sign declaring him an undercover
informant. There was no warning No announcement. No
cries of stop! Police! You see, for one reason or another he
had been convicted of a crime. And he cut his deal agreeing
to set up others so he would recieve a lesser sentence What
a deal! Well in Amsterdam he would not have been arrested
and neither my friend would I . Not for $125.00 worth of
dope. For this heinous criminal act I recieved fifteen years in
prison. Not to mention the stigma that is my criminal past. It
will never go away, always right there in my peripheral
vision taunting, fleeting and just as hideous and noticable as
an ugly growth on my face. Sadly, if I had raped a saintly
nun or molested a child I might have recieved less time. But
no, I served three years for telling a man where to find
narcotics. And now will finish my parole in the year 2020.
Now is that illegal in the U.S? Yes it is . But should it have
been? In times past it was also against our 'laws' to entrap
someone to break the law to arrest them. But with our ever
important "War on drugs" it has become achieve your arrest
rates by any means necessary. The gloves have come off.
But how do you fight an invisible opponent? We in the
streets would like an answer to that.
The problem now is that our Law enforcement
professionals have seen that if they turn the weakest of us
against the strong they develop a chink in our armor. Once
they have arrested an addict they see is weak and usable
they begin to place in the persons mind that fellow addicts
are not thier friends and that they will recieve years of time
if they don't talk. The addicted mind is pliable and open to
suggestion if the person is tired as hell from being up too
long and scared to begin with. They begin to sing like the
loudest choir on earth. Using our friends and business
contacts against us has long been a favorite of the Police. I
compare it to prohibition and the revenuers of the Treasury
department. During the years 1919-1933 Our country
enacted Prohibition also known as the Volstead act.
Proposing the 18th Amendment from substantial pressure
from the temperance movement.They made it illegal to
sell,manufacture and transport alchohol for consumption.
And what did these thirteen years in American history prove?
Well it's a funny thing because the goal of the 18th
Amendment was noble enough in theory. They even
nicknamed it " The Noble Experiment.. They intended to
reduce crime and corruption. Solve socail problems and
reduce the tax burden created by prisons and poorhouses.
And improve health and hygiene in America. This experiment
was a failure on all counts because they could not keep up
with the illegal whiskey stills operating in the mountains and
forests of our country and didnt have the manpower to
patrol miles of shoreline to keep smugglers out. Now if that
doesn't sound like the meth cooks running around Northern
East Texas and much of Oklahoma and Arkansas in the here
and now. I have certainly missed something. The organized
crime movement in cities became rampant and gang warfare
escalated. Sound like our "war on drugs" to you? It does to
me. I have personally witnessed individuals with a hotplate
and several chemicals make illegal meth. It is simple to
make and the recipe is shared openly among the users and
the "cooks" as they are known. And a good cook can make a
small batch in two to three hours. I am unsure what the
answers are, but making us feel the hunted is not among
them. We are the things that go bump in the night. And we
are here to stay. And incidentally that 18th Amendment? The
only Amendment that has ever been repealed by the 21st
amendment.
If the United States of America wants to
demonize methamphetamine why do they provide it to
soldiers in the field at time of war and why do they give it to
our pilots to improve their "edge" in the skies? Why on earth
if it is so damn harmful do they give it freely to school age
children diagnosed with ADHD and ADD ?
Doctors give it to people trying to lose wieght. Makes no
sense to me . Unless it actually has medicinal qualities.
Could that be the case? Only time will tell.
And meanwhile any American citizen caught
manufacturing this drug illegally is subject to losing their
house and land,vehicle, personal cash on hand and freedom.
This is no small charge. If caught cooking meth in this town
alone I have known men to receive 30 to 99 years in prison.
This must be stopped. Prohibition didnt work and neither will
the useless, pointless "War on drugs" mark my words.
So this issue of our governments ability to sieze
property used in the commission of a crime. Is it really
necessary to take our shit away? Didnt we move beyond all
that at 18 years of age when we moved out? I mean
grounding us as children was a useful tool for disciplining us.
Even deprivation of favorite toys or games to punish
us when we misbehaved. Very strong motivation to act
right . But our government can now, if you have large
quantities of cash on your person , sieze those funds and
accuse you of using them as drug money. Where does it say
in our law books that I have to prove one Goddamned thing
to a cop? Why should I tell him where I have been? Where I
am heading, or for that matter what I have 5000.00 dollars
on me for. As long as I didn't just leave a local Bank with
bags stuffed with loose cash and a smoking pistol, whats he
so all fired up for anyway? But think about it.....
If you or I could take away things from people just cause we
accused them of something illegal would we?...
I really need a new flat screen television come to think of it.
And a new laptop pc too.
But when you ask the question; are drugs and
addiction harmful? Man I've gotta say this. I have tried
methamphetamine, exctasy, heroin, cocaine, hydrochodone,
marijauna, zanax, valium , LSD, Psilocybin mushrooms and
many other drugs. And who knows? Some of them parties
got ludicrous as hell , I may have tried it all. My personal
feelings on that? LSD? Awesome fucking drug! Mushrooms?
Same. Marijauna? Don't believe its harmful at all. hell it's a
damn herb that incidentally makes you feel relaxed, hungry
and sleepy . No danger there. Unless your pantry is bare.
The zanax and valium and hydrochodone and other pills
when used right have been proven beneficial to people in
many ways. But all the rest are yes, harmful. They are
demons in powder form and no matter what form or delivery
system you use, be it needle, snorting, smoking, eating or
shoving it up your butt. (yeah it's been done too) Trust me,
Dont ask. It may take a long , long time but it will fuck you
up. The problem with drug addiction is that it is a disease of
the brain. The first time may not lure you in. And no one
knows where that invisible line in the sand is drawn for
anyone. I think we are all different. Depending on general
health. genetics. Family history . Mental stability. Age . Diet,
or lack thereof. Amount of time using. Delivery system (yeh
shooting up is not safer you junkies) And hell yeh the purity
of dope you buy- cause let me tell you the dope in North
East Texas is cut so bad I may be addicted to whatever the
hell they cut it with now. Wouldn't it be pathetic to rob a
store at gunpoint demanding B-12 vitablend at the top of
your lungs?
In all the research I studied on this, one thing
stands out. The legalization argument in the Netherlands of
Holland treats drug addiction as a medical problem. Not a
criminal one. The crime rates there have truly dropped and
with education of the citizens of that country many have
chosen to stay sober. No, thier model is not perfect but
couldn't we at least learn from them? Or do we go on
allowing an ignorant and selfish government to make us
targets to be exploited for our addictions because they
cannot regulate, control and profit from the sale of these
drugs? As I see it, and I may be wrong here . We will
eventually have to legalize some of these " illegal" drugs no
matter what we think. Maybe it will be Medicinal Marijauna
but someone has to go first and I say let's get on with it. We
need to do whatever it is that makes us whole as a nation
and a society. And as individuals concerned with our health
enough to take measures to protect that health. Including
mental health issues and addiction.
As my oldest friend reminded me the other day
in an e-mail there are far more pivotal issues concerning us
as a society for me to rant on. You know what? I fully agree.
Starvation in America. The fact that taxation is illegal and
the reason we left England. The ridiculous and unbelievably
expensive health care system we have. I mean lets face it.
Doctors deserve to be paid well. Years of schooling and
many sacrifices. We all get that. We do. We don't begrudge
you your golf courses or shiny corvettes. You worked hard
for those perks. But it has to have a limit. The fact that we as
a people in spite of years of education still see racial hatred
to this day is another thorn in all our sides.Many African
Americans refuse to like or understand us and we feel the
same a lot of us. The list is neverending and saddening. But
as for me, this is personal on so many levels. I must say this
issue is near and dear to my heart. You might say it's an
issue of life and death. A question of survival. I will not
include tons of research on the issue but will only put in one
such of the many page after page of statistics I have read on
the internet.
Half of jail inmates in 2002 were held for a
violent or drug offense, almost unchanged from 1996. Drug
offenders, up 37%, represented the largest source of jail
population growth between 1996 and 2002. More than two-
thirds of the growth in inmates held in local jails for drug law
violations was due to an increase in persons charged with
drug trafficking. Thirty-seven percent of jail inmates were
convicted on a new charge; 18% were convicted on prior
charges following revocation of probation or parole; 16%
were both convicted of a prior charge and awaiting trial on a
new charge; and 28% were unconvicted.
Source: Bureau of Justice Statistics/Online Journals
And sadly the list is miles long of
comparable research. Check it out, it boggles the mind. Isn't
it time America that we treat this disease as a medical issue?
I believe the times they are a changing. Shouldn't we as
well? I must say before my introduction into the "drug world"
I was very naive. Had no clue how many people I alone knew
who used drugs and I mean almost daily. Now that I have
seen the things I have seen and done the things I have done,
do I have regrets? Well I would be a complete and utter fool
to say unequivocally no. But I am torn in two on the subject.
I must say that now if my children used any drug there is no
way they could hide it from me. There is no doubt in my
mind I would know the signs. Also the fact remains that each
experience we have makes us who we are in the end. So I
must say this experience while certainly painful and life
altering may be a foundation someday- a bedrock that
strengthens and grounds me.( If I don't die from it first.) But
do I regret my addiction? Certainly. I would trade it in a
heartbeat, sell it cheap or hell- give it away to anyone dumb
enough to want it. Any takers? But sadly there are no sell
outs in this arena. This thing is mine to deal with one way or
another. Wish I could cop out but can't. I will admit that I
have longed to commit suicide as an escape from this self
imposed hell. But the only thing that keeps me going is my
love of life, the love I feel for my family and the fact that I
feel I must go on. It is my burden. A cross I bear that feels
like the wieght of the world on my shoulders. But sadly my
family is along for the ride and they are unwilling passengers
to put it mildly. My regret is that I cannot be stronger. If I
could but take it back. Suffice it to say I cannot.
So where do I go from here? Well I have proven to
myself that I am not strong enough to do this alone. The
program of Narcotics Anonymous seems to me a silly thing
although I do recognize it's importance in many, many lives.
I personally know many people who say it has changed thier
lives. But for me it just doesn't work. I feel ...I don't know.
But I have been informed that there are
treatments available and now feel that I may seek
professional help to achieve my goals. In the short term I just
want to quit long enough to keep a job and stay productive.
With my past that will not be an easy thing. Wish me luck on
that. Long term I desire freedom from the yoke of addiction.
odds and statistics are sadly against me. Or should I say us?
As I know I am not alone in this fight. So I intend to find a
way to begin rebuilding what I have destroyed. My
life.....After all it is mine. And I intend to do something with
it. Fuck the statistical data. Piss on what my father told me
all my life. I am not a loser. I refuse to buy into his crap.
Even though for years I seem to have done so. If worse
comes to worse I may seek psychiatric treatment or therapy
with a licensed chemical dependency counsellor. If all else
fails I will just have to purchase a new shiny Colt .45
automatic pistol for a one time use. Hell it would beat this
shit. Ask any addict you know, I am certain they would
agree. After all chains are chains. Slavery is slavery no
matter how you dress it up pretty.

Reporting to you all from the front lines

in our nations war on drugs

Reporter and unwilling participant

Phil G. Inman Sr.