Deepening Your

Emotional
Connection

A Personalized Program for Enhancing

Intimate Communication with Your Spouse

Deepening Your
Emotional Connection:
A Personalized Program for
Enhancing Intimate Communication
with Your Spouse

Workbook
Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Copyright 2010 Breakthrough Learning Institute LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this book or any part of
this system, including, but not limited to, interior design, cover design and icons, may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, (electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written
permission of the publisher.

Contents
Introduction:
Renewing Your Love by Enhancing Communication........ 5
Communication: More is Better...................................... 6
Anger: You Dont Need It ............................................. 10
Identify with Your Spouse to Eliminate Anger:
An Exercise in Seeing the Logic in
Your Partner's Position.................................................12
Hear the True Message:
Understand Your Spouses Point of View....................... 20
Get to the Heart of the Message:
Use Your Imagination to Understand Your
Spouses Real Intentions.......................................20
Conclusion: Using the Exercises in Your Everyday Life.. 29

Introduction:
Renewing Your Love by Enhancing Communication

earing the words, I love you, but Im no

longer in love with you, from your spouse
can be one of the most devastating events in
your life. You may be terrified that your relationship
will dissolve, and that you will forever lose the person
you love.
This tragic possibility does not have to become a
reality. As I explained in When Love Dies: Your Stepby-Step Program for Renewing Love in a Troubled
Marriage there are ways you can rebuild loving
feelings in your marriage, and ultimately make your
relationship better than ever.
To do this, you and your partner have to be
committed to rebuilding your relationship and
making it work again. Both of you need to be invested
in renewing those loving feelings to save your
marriage and possibly create a marriage that is better
than ever.
This workbook is intended to help you refine some
of the skills outlined in the guide. Use it to help you
make the most of the techniques and exercises you
learned there.

Notice that it is a work - book. That means you will

need to work through the exercises to make them as
effective as they can be. I have left spaces throughout
to give you room to write out, reflect on, and respond
to the questions and activities I offer here.
Make use of that space and write your answers
down the way you might in a journal. Writing your
answers out will help you develop a more concrete
understanding of the issues we will be discussing. It
will also give you the opportunity to look back and
remember how you were thinking and feeling as you
were doing this work at a future time.
Without further ado, lets turn our attention to the
exercises. In this workbook I will be focusing on three
primary areas that will help you rebuild the love with
your spouse: improving your communication skills,
getting rid of the anger that may be ripping your
relationship apart, and learning to understand your
spouse in a deeper, more profound way.

HOW TO REBUILD HONESTY WORKBOOK

Communication: More is Better

emember from the guide that everything you

do and dont do; everything you say and dont
say is communication. If you really want to rev
up the love and re-spark the romance between you,
you need to treat your spouse as if you are trying to
entice him or her into falling in love with you every
day.
If you werent married, what would you do with
someone you just met if you saw some interest and
wanted to fan the flames to get a romance started?
My guess is that you would be arranging alone times
together, perhaps just for tea, coffee, or a drink at a
quiet spot. You would be asking him or her to talk
about his or her life and interests. You might have
many of these meetings as you get to know each other
better. You would talk about yourself, your life, and
your interests. You would try to arrange dates or other
meetings to do fun activities together. Even with the
busiest schedule you would find time for each other.
Each of you would probably try to understand and
appreciate the others interests and even participate
together in activities to find out if you were interested
in the other persons interests.
You would probably slowly advance your physical
intimacy, beginning with slight touches and moving

into holding hands, hugging, kissing, and perhaps

more.
When you read these paragraphs, you might raise the
complaint that you already know each other so well
that there is nothing else to talk about. After all, you
are married arent you? Youve known each other for
quite a long time now. Why would you go back to
behaving the way you did when you first met?
If you make this complaint you are not recognizing
that you and your partner have been missing parts of
each others thoughts, dreams, and experiences. Two
people can go on a vacation together, return home,
and when they talk about their memories of the
vacation, they can sound as if they were talking about
two different trips.
Each of us has our own impressions after an event,
even when you do the same identical activity together.
Part of intimacy is to share these differences in your
experiences.
To help you begin revealing information about
yourself write down some possible topics or areas
where you could start conversations of this nature.
You can use the following list to help launch your
creativity.

Secrets about me, my thoughts, or my experiences:

_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My needs and wants that I havent shared, or that my spouse hasnt recognized even if Ive shared them before:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

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My thoughts and feelings that I havent shared, or that my spouse hasnt recognized even if Ive shared them
before:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My affectionate thoughts about times I am reminded how much I love my spouse, or my affectionate thoughts
about what I love about my spouse:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My goals for making myself a better spouse in our relationship:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My goals for making myself a better parent in our family:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My goals and priorities for us as a familyin general:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

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My goals and priorities for us as a familyspecifically regarding projects and chores, division of labor or redivision of labor for projects and chores, and timing of projects and chores:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My goals and priorities for us as a familyspecifically regarding leisure times, vacations, and the timing of
leisure times and vacations:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My goals and priorities for us as we fit into our larger families, including my spouses parents and siblings and
my parents and siblings:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Jokes I have heard or looked up on the internet I think my spouse might appreciate:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Political discussions or other news I have heard or looked up on the internet I think my spouse might appreciate:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

HOW TO REBUILD HONESTY WORKBOOK

This list is simply intended to help you get started

opening up to your spouse again. Being transparent
and freely offering information about yourself to your
spouse is a great way to start rebuilding the love in
your relationship. Sharing in this way is critical if you
are going to have a deeply intimate connection.

HOW TO REBUILD HONESTY WORKBOOK

Anger: You Dont Need It

efore I begin this section, I want to thank Izzy

Kalman, a school psychologist, for the marvelous way he has organized many complex ideas
about anger into understandable chunks. If you have
children or are a teacher of children, you will definitely benefit from reading his no-cost manual available at
http://bulliestobuddies.com/manual/kids/index.html.
This is his manual for children, but the ideas are useful throughout life.
Even if you dont have children, you will find his ideas
provocative. Izzys work has helped me organize and
even understand many of the exercises and concepts I
have been utilizing for years. The following discussion
on anger borrows from his work and I want to give
appropriate appreciation.
Regrettably, many relationships take disrespectful,
angry, accusing, and blaming communication for
granted. If this is true in your relationship, consider
what impact you could have on your loving feelings if
you both learned to communicate considerately and
more intimately with each other so you wouldnt need
those angry and bitter feelings anymore. Wouldnt you
feel more like loving your spouse if he or she were
communicating respectfully?
You can learn how to do this. You can learn how to
let go of those bad feelings so they dont impact your
spouse, and maybe not anyone else, either.
Lets begin with understanding where anger originates.
In caveman times, anger was an important emotion
because it helped us respond quickly to being
threatened. Real enemies were capable of inflicting
real damage on us. If you were a woman, he could
take you as his new mate. If you were a man, he could
take your food, your mate, or your life. There were no
laws to stop him and no police or courts to right the
wrong or stop future wrongs.
Nowadays, however, we have laws, police, and
courts to protect us. The likelihood we are going
to encounter a true enemy is very low. They are
still aroundrobbers, thieves, rapists, murderers,
terrorists, and gangsters, but most of us will never be
a victim except to petty thievery.
We still have the caveman response when we feel

threatened, but todays threats, particularly when

within your own family, are almost certainly not from
a true enemy.
When you have a hungry feeling, your body urges
you to eat. When you have a thirsty feeling, your
body urges you to drink. When you are horny, your
body urges you to have a sexual release. When you
have a tired feeling, your body urges you to sleep.
When you have a humorous feeling, your body urges
you to laugh or smile.
These, and more, are all inborn responses. What
about anger? When you have an angry feeling, your
body urges you to conquer. The angry feeling is very
compelling, too. If you are beginning to eat, just about
to relieve yourself, just about to engage in sex, just
about to go to sleep, or concerned with almost any
other feelings when you get angry, the other feelings
disappearthey all take a back seat to anger.
All of our caveman feelings have to be curbed by
our civilized culture. If you are walking down a busy
downtown street and you get a strong urge to relieve
yourself, do you drop your drawers and do it right
there? Of course not!
If you are at a restaurant and the person at the next
table flirts with you, do you strip off your clothes and
have sex right there? Of course not!
But when it comes to anger, many of us think we have
the right to express it anytime we feel itwhether it
is in private or public. Anger wants you to win, but
if you win through arguments or blowing up, do you
really win?
I dont think so. I believe you and everyone around
you loses.
Anger is a response to an identified enemy. It is a
feeling that begs you to conquer your adversary. Is that
how you want to treat your spouse? Of course not!
Yet most of you reading this will think that I am
asking you to lose. You think your anger is justified
and if you let it go, it means your spouse wins
and you loseyour spouse got away without a
consequence in a situation where you thought you
were legitimately angry.

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10

In order to properly manage your angry feelings,

you have to know that when you let go of the angry
feelings it will make you a winner, not a loser.

between my calm responses, he was screaming awful

attacks at me. We were alone in an isolated country
setting. I felt like I was in the movie Deliverance.

How can this be, since we are urged by our bodies to

engage in the conflict?

When it was clear to him that no matter how awful he

was I wasnt going to get angry back, he said I owed
him rent for the day. He told me how much and I paid.

Remember, the urge is pre-historic; what we do with

that urge is up to us.
Here is a personal story about anger from the days
when I was single. I had a 33-foot, ocean-going
sailboat. I had spent the night out in the bay and
awoke to a fog so thick I couldnt see my hand if
my arm was outstretched. I needed to get ashore for
a business meeting and called the Coast Guard for
assistance. They guided me to a pier and said it was
safe to leave my boat there.
I looked around, but could not find anyone. So I
docked my boat and decided to get to my meeting.
I walked to a telephone made a call, and someone
picked me up and gave me a ride to my meeting.
Luckily, the meeting was in a town very close to
where I docked.
I took care of the business I had to accomplish and
returned to my boat. I was below deck when I heard
someone outside, yelling. I went above deck and was
confronted by a man yelling obscenities at me.
He was calling me every name in the book. He was
the owner of the pier, and he was livid, because I
had docked there without his permission. He called
me !@)#((! for being inconsiderate of someone elses
private property. He called me a @$%& for not telling
him my plans. He called me a !^%#*& because he
had other people wanting to use the pier. He used
every trick he knew of to try to get me angry, too. It
was his right to try and make me angry. It was my
right to get angry or not, whichever I chose.
I chose to not get angry. First, I told him the facts:
the Coast Guard said I could dock there, and I had
looked around for the owner.
As he continued with his angry tirade, I agreed with
him that I was inconsiderate and should have looked
farther and wider to locate the owner of the pier. I
thanked him for letting my boat remain there. In

Then, he pulled out a pistol, aimed it at me, swung

it slowly across my boat, and shotBLAM!!!into
the water just ahead of the bow. As he was leaving,
he turned to me and said, I hope you learned your
lesson. I replied, I sure did. It didnt matter if the
lesson he intended to teach and the one I learned
were the same. I am sure he was prepared for a real
fight and when he didnt get one he had to show
me how powerfully he was ready by drawing and
shooting the pistol.
So what was the lesson I learned? Let me tell you.
There was a reason he couldnt get me angry. Think
about it. Why couldnt he get me angry? He probably
thought he had a remote control to my brain and
could switch on my angry button, but it didnt work.
Why?
I determine if I let him or anyone else get me
angry because really, it is I who either gets angry or
doesntno one else can force me to get angry.
It is my brain, my body, my feelings, and my
thoughts. If you were watching this situation in a
movie, who do you think would look like the foolish
one? He would. Who do you think would command
more respect? I would. Who do you think would be
the real winner? I would be. If we had to encounter
each other again, do you think he would be friendlier
if I had fought with him and we both lived through it,
or by handling it the way I did?
By arguing and fighting you create a lose-lose
situation. When you refuse to engage in the argument
or the fight, and you refuse to give permission to the
other person to make you angry, you create a win-win
situation.
All of this to illustrate that anger is a caveman feeling
and you need to process it in light of our civilization
todayit is certainly not useful against a friend: you

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11

will appear foolish in the interchange, you will lose

respect in the eye of the one you are arguing with, you
will make it harder to be friends afterward, and allin-all, you will end up being the loser, or both of you
will end up being losers.
I am not sure if you will be able to put this into
practice after just reading my personal experience
and description of how to put this into practice. In
my office, I help people have an actual experience
they practice under supervision. However, as an
experiment, I have described what you need to know
so you can try it on your own.
A few cautions: First, when you do this with someone
who is used to your angry reactions, that person will
probably try harder to make you angry because the
expectation is so strong. Second, when you initiate
this change with someone who has been making you
angry you have to do it all the time and every time
or the situation will get worse. Third, encouraging,
reminding, or trying to force your spouse or anyone
else to act this way will only backfire.
Lets back up for a moment and consider that you
have been threatened by a true enemy. What caveman
responses might you have? You could be afraid, which
energizes you to either freeze like the deer-in-theheadlights or run away. You could defend yourself.
Or, you could counter-attack.
These are all responses made against an enemy. If you
act afraid, verbally defend yourself, or verbally attack
your spouse you send the message that your spouse
is an enemy and this will encourage him or her to act
even more like an enemy. By doing this you create a
vicious cycle where each of you escalates the situation
making it worse and worse.
One of you has to decide that you will not let your
spouse make you angry, and then you will begin
treating your spouse as your best friend, no matter
how awfully your spouse acts toward you (short of
physical abuse). You dont act afraid, you dont defend
yourself, and you don't attackin other words: no
accusations, no personal criticisms, and no blaming.

been hurt or you are feeling abused (using the

term loosely). When you get angry, you look like an
abuser (again, using the term loosely), but youre
feeling like a victim. When your spouse gets angry,
he or she is feeling like a victim, but looking like an
abuser.
If even just a few of you can make this change just
from reading it, then this space will have been well
spent. I wish you well on your quest to be your
spouses best friend. Please let me know your response
to this section. I would particularly like to know if you
were able to put these ideas into use in your marriage.
The following exercise might help you further
understand the concepts I have been discussing
in this section. In the section that follows you will
dissect some recent arguments you have had with
your spouse and see if you can come to a better
understanding of your partners position. After doing
this exercise, you might find that you no longer need
to be angry.

Identify with Your Spouse to

Eliminate Anger: An Exercise in
Seeing the Logic in Your Partner's
Position
Remember your last few argumentsthe more heated
the better for this exercise. Then write down your
position and your spouses position. Heres a sample to
help you understand what I am asking for here:

Sample Argument
My position: You should call me when you are out later
with your friends than you said you would be.
My spouses position: I am a grownup and dont have
to account for my whereabouts as if you were my
mommy.
Using this sample as a model, go back over previous
arguments you and your spouse had in your mind
and identify what your position was, and what your
spouses position was.

If you are experiencing the caveman feeling of being

threatened, it usually means your feelings have

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12

Argument 1
My position:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My spouses position:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Argument 2
My position:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My spouses position:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Argument 3
My position:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My spouses position:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

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13

Argument 4
My position:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My spouses position:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Does the logical part of you think there is merit to

your spouses argument or position? In other words, is
there some truth in your spouses position or is your
spouses position actually true?

spouses position has its own internal logic helps you

to keep from identifying yourself as absolutely right
with everyone else (in this case your spouse) being
absolutely wrong. The absolutely right-absolutely
wrong position often manifests itself as blaming.

Even if your answer would be Yes, my partners

position is true, that does not mean that your
position is not. There can be two equally true or
equally valid positions that are not compatible.

I will begin putting the understanding into practice

with our sample argument from above. This sample
will serve as an example for the exercise that
immediately follows it.

For example: Lets get chocolate ice cream and No,

lets get vanilla. Actually, this argument is about
feelings or tastes. Arguments like these would
include spats over the color of your next car, the
color or design of your carpeting, or what you are
having for dinner. In a feeling or taste or personal
preference argument, both sides have validity
because logic, if present, is secondary to the persons
individual desire.

Sample Argument

Now consider the following:

Even seemingly incompatible arguments that dont

revolve around feeling, taste, or personal
preference can both have truth. For example, Lets
put all of our discretionary funds into a retirement
account, and, No, lets save for a vacation and new
furniture. In cases like these you may not like the
other position, but if you listen to the reasons, there is
a valid argument to the other side.
In what follows I am going to guide you through
an exercise that will help you understand how your
spouses position has logical validity. This can help
diffuse anger, because understanding that your

My spouses position: I am a grownup and dont have

to account for my whereabouts as if you were my
mommy.
Logically, is there merit or truth to this argument, or,
is this an argument of feeling or taste? Yes.
If it is not obvious, write out one or more of the
merits or truths that exist in this argument, even if
you dont agree with them and even if you dont like
them: You are a grownup and I am not your mommy
and you dont need my permission for where you go.
These statements are true. I dont personally agree
with the implications of these statements, but they do
have logical merit.
Now try the same with your spouses arguments you
just wrote about above. Try to see if you can identify
whether or not your spouses position is logically true.
Get specific and identify exactly what in the argument
makes it logically sound.

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Argument 1
My spouses position:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Logically, is there merit or truth to this argument, or, is this an argument of feeling or taste? _ _______________
If it is not obvious, write out one or more of the merits or truths that exist in this argument, even if you dont
agree with them and even if you dont like them:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Argument 2
My spouses position:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Logically, is there merit or truth to this argument, or, is this an argument of feeling or taste? _ _______________
If it is not obvious, write out one or more of the merits or truths that exist in this argument, even if you dont
agree with them and even if you dont like them:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Argument 3
My spouses position:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Logically, is there merit or truth to this argument, or, is this an argument of feeling or taste? _ _______________

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15

If it is not obvious, write out one or more of the merits or truths that exist in this argument, even if you dont
agree with them and even if you dont like them:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Argument 4
My spouses position:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Logically, is there merit or truth to this argument, or, is this an argument of feeling or taste? _ _______________
If it is not obvious, write out one or more of the merits or truths that exist in this argument, even if you dont
agree with them and even if you dont like them:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
As I said above, finding the truth in your spouses
position helps you keep in mind that your spouse
is not a nut cake and is not stupid. You each have a
defensible positionyou may not agree with your
spouses position, you may not like your spouses
position, you probably dont want your spouse to
hold the position he or she is holding, but there are
logical (even if you dont like the logic) reasons you
each hold the position you do.
Next, figure out what the hurt or injured or fearful
feelings each of you was dealing with for the
arguments you listed above. In unusual situations
there might not be any such feelings, but they almost
always exist. Make your best guess for each one
without checking with your spouse. This will help
you become more empathetic and identify more fully
with your spouses position. When you can do this,
your anger will probably be further diminished.

Sample Argument
My hurt or fear: I am afraid you dont want me or
dont love me when you stay away so long and when
you disrespect me by ignoring or dismissing my
worry.
My spouses hurt or fear: I am afraid you will suffocate
me. I am afraid that you will make demands I cannot
meet. I am afraid my friends will make fun of me. I
am afraid I will not be seen as an adult who makes up
his or her own mind about curfew and bedtime.

Again, I will first give you an example.

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16

Argument 1
My hurt or fear:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My spouses hurt or fear:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Argument 2
My hurt or fear:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My spouses hurt or fear:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Argument 3
My hurt or fear:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My spouses hurt or fear:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

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Argument 4
My hurt or fear:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
My spouses hurt or fear:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Finally, imagine each argument and pretend that you
could see through the argument while it was going
on and see right to the hurt or fear. What differences

would that make for you? Could you respond to your

spouses hurt or frightened feelings instead of arguing
back?

Argument 1
Notes to remember
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Argument 2
Notes to remember
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

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Argument 3
Notes to remember
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Argument 4
Notes to remember
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Each time you take these steps, and try to understand
and identify with your spouse instead of blowing up
in anger you are treating your partner as your best
friend instead of your enemy. You are taming the inner
caveman and responding from a more mature, more
civilized, more human part of yourself.
These are the acts of someone who is trying to save a
marriage and rebuild the love in that marriage. These
are the acts of a compassionate, loving spouse. These
are the steps you need to take if anger is a problem
for you and has been destroying the love in your
marriage.

Remember, no one makes you angry. No one can

make you do anything. Thinking this way is the
mentality of a victim. Victims think other people
do things to them, that other people make them
feel certain ways. You are an adult, and you are
responsible for your actions and your choices. You
choose whether or not you let the inner caveman
out. You can make different choicesbetter choices.
You can make choices that will save your marriage, I
recommend you start making those choices today.

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19

Hear the True Message:

Understand Your Spouses Point of View

hen your spouse tells you about or reminds

you of some emotional pain you caused or
some problem you created in the marriage,
this is a golden opportunity for you to become more
intimate with your best friend, your spouse.

to listen to derision. Perhaps your spouse feels you

havent listened when the comments were delivered
in a friendly manner earlier in your history, and now
anger, sarcasm, and derision are the only remaining
recourses.

As you read that sentence you might be asking

yourself, What? How can I get closer to my spouse
when he or she is talking about emotional pain I
caused? That seems crazy!

Remember, your spouse is your best friend. Except

in cases of physical abuse, infidelity, and a few other
unusual situations, your spouse is your best and most
trusted friend.

Yet what I wrote is what I meant. Youll understand

after you go over the following material.

As such, I propose that your first thought should be,

Is the comment true? when your spouse offers you
information, no matter how critical or derogatory
it seems on the surface. Put your ego aside for a
moment, and simply inquire within yourself about the
objective truth of the statement.

Before we even begin this discussion, keep in the front

of your mind the idea that your spouse is your best
friend. Remember from the guide and the discussion
above about friends and enemies that even the
strongest criticism given by your trusted friend is said
with the best intentions. A friend may criticize, but he
or she does it to help you and help your relationship.
When you receive critique from your spouse this
way, it opens up the possibility for deeper emotional
connection.
Wow, guy, your breath stinks! You could knock
over a horse with that breath. could be the most
thoughtful comment someone tells you all day.
If it is delivered by a trusted friend, the message
communicates that you are going to turn people off
if you dont do something about your breath. Even
if this message is delivered with an angry tone or
with an edge of derision, it is done with your benefit
in mindyou have the opportunity to correct the
situation and you know that person will be your
friend afterwards.
Similarly, if your spouse says something like, Now
the fat slob orders a double dessert! This could be an
expression of concern for you no matter what tone of
voice is used. In this case it is probably an expression
of concern for your health or your appearance.
Your spouse may even deliver such comments with a
tone of derision yet still have good intentions when
doing so. He or she may think that youre only going

Going back to the example above, you might ask

yourself, Is that true? Am I fat? Am I a slob? Am I
both fat and a slob?
If it is true, whats there to get angry at? Its just a
statement of fact.
If its not true, and you know its not true, whats there
to get angry at? Remember the adage, Sticks and
stones may break my bones, but names will never
hurt me.
If youre not yet at the point where you can
completely dismiss the nasty part of the comment as
outlined above, then you need to take an additional
step. You need to stretch your imagination so that
what your spouse said makes good, logical sense to
you and you need to keep your spouse in a good
light while revising your understanding this way.
The following information and exercise is designed to
help you do this.

Get to the Heart of the Message:

Use Your Imagination to
Understand Your Spouses Real
Intentions
Lets analyze some ways you can make good, logical

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20

sense of critical information your spouse shares with

you while keeping your spouse in a good light.
To start with, lets go back to the example I was using
above: You order dessert, and your spouse says, Now
that fat slob orders a double dessert!
If you werent at your best when you heard this
comment, your first thought might be, My spouse is
putting me down in the worst possible way. Or, My
spouse is just trying to make me mad.
Does thinking that way put your spouse in a
good light? If the answer is no, then you are not
considering your spouse as your best friend.

that double dessert, but it would certainly be easier

for you to hear the concern being expressed. (There
is a hint for the speaker here that goes back to some
things we were talking about in the guide: Say things
in a way your spouse is more likely to accept and
understand!)
However, even if your spouse didnt communicate the
information at hand this way, even if he or she chose
to call you a fat slob,: there is a way for you to see
through this delivery, and get to the heart of what is
being said.

Perhaps your next thought would be, My spouse

thinks Im ugly and doesnt want to be with me.

To do this, you use your imagination to create a

situationa visualizationin which you would
have to live through experiences similar to what your
spouse has to or has had to live through with you.

Does thinking that way put your spouse in a good

light? If the answer is no, then you are still not
considering your spouse as your best friend.

The rationale for doing this is based on the old adage:

Dont criticize me until you have walked a mile in my
shoes.

How can you make any logical sense out of this

comment?

Before you assume the worst out of your spouse,

before you make your spouse an enemy instead of a
friend, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes,
that is, you should try to understand your spouses
point of view.

Lets start by putting your spouse in a good light.

Consider whether there is any positive message you
can find in such a comment. Is there any conceivable
way that your spouse could say this with a positive
intention towards you? Lets explore.
Perhaps your spouse is concerned about your weight.
Is that possible? What good intentions could your
spouse have if he or she was concerned about your
weight?
What immediately comes to my mind is a concern
for your health. To put a good spin on the . . .fat
slob. . . comment, a better presentation of the same
information would have been:
Please reconsider your choice of double dessert.
Sweetheart, I love you so much I want you to be with me
for many, many years, and I know youll live longer and
healthier if you lose weight and get in shape.
Now obviously it would be better if your spouse
communicated a concern for your health this
way than if he or she called you a fat slob. Such
a presentation might not make any difference
whatsoever in whether or not you choose to take

Perhaps youve had a parallel experience in your

lifenot with your spouse, but elsewhereat
work, in your childhood, at school, or with other
family members where the concerns your spouse
is expressing are similar to concerns you felt or
expressed for another person. If so, you can use that
experience as a basis for creating your visualization.
If you do not have a historical memory that puts you
in a parallel experience, you can make one upuse
your internal movie camera to create a visualization, a
sound track and all the other elements that would go
along with creating a situation where you were forced
to face similar concerns as the ones you imagine your
spouse has for you.
Once again, I would like to use the . . .fat slob. .
. comment above to create an example of how to
develop such a visualization. For the purposes of
this example, lets assume that in my real life I run a
diner and in my job I supervise the cook and several

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21

waitresses.
Heres a scenario I could make up if that were my job
situation.
I have a very smart waitress working for me. She
could easily take over my current job at some point,
moving me up the career ladder, and I know the
owner would be willing to pay for her to go through
college if she worked competently for a while since
currently he is paying for me to complete school.
(This part of the context is necessary to establish that
I, the boss, have good intentions for the waitress.)
Next I want to establish that I have been trying to
help another person who wont be helped no matter
how good my intentions are. So I will add to my
story that I have been trying, to help the waitress
move up the career ladder, but my attempts have not
been successful. I have been talking to the waitress,
urging her, and gently coaxing her to dress more
professionally and act more professionally with her
customers. Yet, after many such conversations, she
continues to dress sloppily and be cavalier with the
clientele.
One night she arrives in dirty sweatpants and an
athletic-bra top. On her way across the restaurant to
my office to get a shirt to cover her top, she is really
snippy to a set of regular customers who recognize
her as one of the waitresses.
In this situation, couldnt you make sense of my
blasting her with angry, nasty comments? I have been
trying so hard to do what is in her best interest, doing
my best to make life better for her, and not only does
the waitress have no appreciation, she hasnt made
any changes at all.
With this information in mind I can now return to
my spouses comment about my weight and I can
understand her response in a way I couldnt before.
I can have compassion for my spouses frustration
and irritation as I thumb my nose at all of her good
intentions toward my health and well-being.
Just as I kept trying to tell the waitress in the
visualization above about ways she could improve her
current situation and insure her future, my spouse has

been trying to offer me ways to improve my current

situation and insure my future. Namely, she has been
trying to encourage me to lose weight and take care of
my health.
Obviously my spouse has an investment in this.
Her future depends on my continued good health.
Similarly as the supervisor of the waitress above, I
have an investment in her futureit helps move
me up the career ladder, and it insures I have good
employees working for me.
You can understand how this visualization parallels
what I imagine my spouses situation to be when
she calls me a fat slob. But to do this you have to
understand how I put my spouse in a good light and
I trust that her communication is from my best, most
trusted friend.,
When you are doing this exercise yourself, you can
then use the understanding you acquire from the
visualization to communicate with your spouse about
the situation at hand in a more effective way. Explain
to your spouse what you think his or her experience
with you must be like to drive him or her to the
point of saying whatever difficult communication you
are dealing within the example above, it would
be calling me a fat slob. Be empathetic as you do
this. It is imperative that you maintain an image of
your spouse as kindhearted at all times during this
exercisestop and regroup if you have trouble with
this.
Next,ask your spouse whether or not this
understanding is correct. Listen carefully for
any feedback that tunes up your presentation or
understanding. If you were correct, you have
effectively deepened your understanding of your
partner. If you werent, then you can go back and
do the exercise again with the new information your
spouse gives you to further refine your understanding.
To help you get some practice with this technique, I
would like to take you through it step by step. Answer
the questions below to develop a visualization that
will help you deepen your understanding of your
spouse based on an event in your recent past.

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Visualization Exercise: Practicing the Technique with Old Events

Describe a recent angry situationparticularly one of the following: a situation where you had difficulty
communicating your understanding of your spouses feelings, or a situation where your spouse doubts that you
really understand his or her feelings.
Recent situation:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Now you are going to develop a skeleton of this situation. To do that, consider the following:
1. What is the relationship between you and your spouse in this situation? Are the two of you of equal status at
the moment of the problem?
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Most of the time the husband-wife relationship is best described as equal. But there are times when it is
temporarily unequal. For example, if the two of you are working together in the yard and in your family this is
usually the husbands job, and an argument erupts because of some misunderstood instructions given by the
husband to the wife.
Similar situations can occur in a variety of different contexts depending on who is in charge at any given
moment. In these cases, the relationship between the two people in this circumstance cannot be described as
equal.
2 What is the conflict in the most general terms?
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
A. Is it a question of one person feeling misunderstood? If yes, explain:
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________

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B. Is it a situation where one person feels emotionally abused? If yes, explain:

___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
C. Is it a situation where one person feels taken advantage of? If yes, explain:
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
D. Is it a situation where one person feels his or her concerns are ignored? If yes, explain:
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
E. Is it a situation where one person feels put down? If yes, explain:
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
F. Is it a situation where one person feels betrayed or abandoned? If yes, explain:
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________
3. How intentional is the hurtful behavior from the hurt persons point of view? Explain:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

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4. From the hurt persons point of view, is this an isolated situation, or has it happened before? Has it happened
repeatedly? Explain:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
5. What other features of the situation are important to the injured person?
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Take this skeleton and while referencing as many of the characteristics outlined above as possible, search
through your own history for a situation in your life apart from your spouse where you were in your spouses
position. I have found that it is easier to access your own feelings and still stay rational if you find a difficulty
that doesnt involve your spouse.
If you do not remember a memory that fits, then create a situation in your mind that would put you in the
worst of what you believe are your spouses circumstances. Review my example above to help you do that. Then
answer the questions below.
6. Write out your memory or the imagined situation you created for yourself:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

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7. Imagine yourself in the vignette you wrote in Step 6. See, hear, and feel what you would experience if you
were in that situation right now. What feelings are evoked in you? This might take some time to develop, so
dont be afraid to stay with it for a while. Write down all of your feelings.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
The final step is to plan your presentation of this
information to your spouse. You are going to try and
understand your spouses perspective by applying the
information you gathered above to whatever critical or
angry information that was shared with you.
When you do this, keep in mind that what you are
doing is guessing at your spouses thoughts and
feelings. Your assumptions are not a factonly your
spouse can tell you if your guess is correct or not.
When you deliver your understanding present it
in full context. Take the hit or full responsibility
for anything your spouse thinks you did to cause
emotional pain or make it worse. Offer a complete
understanding of your spouses feelings and how your
spouse came to have those feelings in order for your
spouse to feel you understand his or her perspective.
Your presentation should keep your spouse in a good
light and include your detailed, step-by-step, logical
account of how your spouse came to have the feelings
and conclusion he or she told you. This is not about
the truth. You are not agreeing with or believing that
your spouses perception is the only position or the
right position. Rather, it is about understanding. You
want to demonstrate that you understand what your
spouses world is like.

Consider the following two examples:

Example 1
I understand what you feel. When dishes are left out,
youre upset.

Example 2
If I understand you, you feel that I am treating you as if
you were my personal servant every time I leave dishes in
the sink. When I do it repeatedly, you feel like I think your
time has no value, and that I am putting you down. Is that
right?
Do you get the sense of how much more personalized
the second example is? It connects in a personalized
way that the first example misses. In addition, the
person delivering the message in the second example
takes the hit or full responsibility for the problem
behavior. The delivery in example 2 also allows for
the possibility that the understanding presented
is mistaken. This is done with the phrase, If I
understand you. . .
Remember that you are trying to understand your
spouses hurt feelings. Thats what makes all of the
work you have been doing above worthwhile, and
thats why the final communication is put together

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26

from your spouses point of view.

emotionally hurtful impact on your spouse.

You do not have to agree with your spouses point

of view. You dont have to perceive your actions as
hurtful or your intention as malicious. You just have
to understand why your spouse perceived it this way.
During this exercise in understanding, it is important
that you do not apologize, do not defend yourself,
and do not attack, blame, or criticize your spouse.

Then communicate what you learned about your

spouses feelings through the visualization exercise
you did above. This latter part of your presentation
might go something like this:

Use your notes from the questions above as references

while you develop a plan for communicating your
new understanding to your spouse.

Another possible delivery is:

Start your presentation with a mini-history of

the problem (if there is a history), and include
your statement of the current problem, and your
description of the conflict involved.
If there is an inequality in the problem situation,
include that in your description. Add in any
special circumstances that make the injury worse,
including intentionally inflicted emotional hurt,
repetitive emotional injuries or emotionally hurtful
behaviors over an extended time. Include a clear and
undefended statement of your hurtful behavior and its

If I imagine myself in your situation, I think I would feel

(list your feelings here), and might (tell your imagined
response here).
When I think of you having to put up with my
(describe your misbehavior including what made it
worse), I would think you might feel (list and describe
your feelings from the visualization exercise above)
and you might (describe your imagined response to
the emotionally hurtful situation here).
Of course, there are other possible deliveries; just
remember to keep the focus on your spouses feelings
and concerns until he or she feels that you really
understand.
With all this in mind, plan your delivery by
responding to these prompts:

Summary and history of the problem:

_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe inequality (if any), and give a more specific description of the conflict including perceived intention,
repetitiveness, and other factors that might make it worse:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
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Any additional ways that you can take the hit for the way your spouse feels you have hurt him or her:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
How are you going to present the feelings you elicited in yourself during the visualization above? Keep in mind
that when you talk about what you imagine your spouses feelings to be, you are guessing and you should sound
like you're guessing:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
In my office, I often hear the complaint from someone
about to do this exercise for the first time, . . .but
this is going to make it worse because now shell
think I really did do what she is accusing me of.
This is completely opposite from my experience in
almost all cases. When you provide a full and open
understanding of how and why your spouse thinks
and feels like she does, you are much more likely to
open the door to deeper feelings rather than more
accusations.

This process should get much easier each time you go

through it.
I wish you the best of luck in using this process
as a route to emotionally touching each other at a
profound level. Learning to be a good and empathic
listener is deeply rewarding. Following this process
will show your vulnerability to your spouse which
identifies you as a friend at the deepest leveleven
when you are admitting to problems as long as your
admission is authentic.

Thats it. Use this outline to deliver your new and,

hopefully, deeper understanding of your spouses
distress. I believe you will find this easier than it looks
when you take the time to go through the steps and
write down your responses as you go.

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Conclusion:
Using the Exercises in Your Everyday Life

he purpose of this workbook is to help you

further enhance the communication skills you
began to learn in the guide. Enhancing your
communication and connecting to your partner intimately with your words will not only help you revive
feelings of love in your marriage; it will help you create a marriage that is better than ever.
To achieve that goal, you have to take what you
have learned and apply it in your daily life. Working
through the exercises and learning these strategies will
bring you and your spouse together, first as friends
and then as lovers.
You can save your relationship if you are both
committed to it. You can do the work necessary to
revive one of the most important things in your life:
The connection you share with your spouse.
Long-term relationships have a depth of love and
feeling that cant be explained to someone who
hasnt experienced it. Doing the work to save your
relationship offers you an opportunity to have that
experience. Ask any couple with more than 25 years
of marriage to the same person how easy it was to
stay together. Ill bet that most couples will tell you
that there was at least one rocky time when they
questioned if it would work for them.
I can only offer you these steps and hope you take
advantage of them.
Good luck and best wishes on your journey to a
marriage that is better than ever.
Warm wishes,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.

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