Let me take you a button-hole lower.

-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"

O, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive.
-- Sir Walter Scott, "Marmion"
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
Tell the truth or trump--but get the trick.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
"I don't want to spend all my time tied to the computer - my wife needs some att
ention too"
Husse Oct 14 2007
Q:
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A:
With a blue-elephant gun.
Q:
A:

How do you shoot a pink elephant?

Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
a blue-elephant gun.
Q:
How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:
Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
Q:
What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A:
A deep C diva.
You love peace.
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
"What do you mean? Install Synaptic - it's there from the beginning....."
Husse Nov 18 2007
Slow day. Practice crawling.
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
"I'm also confused about the mentioning of Solaris - that's an ugly beast!"
Husse Sept 16 2007
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
Q:
How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
I'll have to get back to you on that.
Beware of Bigfoot!
Your aim is high and to the right.
You too can wear a nose mitten.
You are capable of planning your future.
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Q:
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:
Take away his credit cards.
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that

you're growing into.

Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
"sorry I have so many questions now that I get dizzy"
Husse Nov 18 2007
Q:
What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
A:
Trustworthy.
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
"I don't think you'll be sad but you'll never be able to run Vista with that"
Husse Jun 2 2007
You're definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is.
"And your problem is?"
Husse Aug 25 2007
It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man
who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that
there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
in reading it at all.
-- Oscar Wilde
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
Q:
Why haven't you graduated yet?
A:
Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
my dissertation to rhyme.
You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
Q:
Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A:
Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
Oh, right, *of course*!
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
"I'm sorry but I don't have a clue....."
Husse Jun23 2007
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
-- Ernest Hemingway
"You could use something called sentences in your message - it's so "compact" th
at it is hard to read and understand."
Husse Jul 7 2007
Q:
How does a hacker fix a function which
doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A:
He changes the domain.
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
officials have gone by.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You will pass away very quickly.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up.
-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is
but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention;" but the wise
man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET."
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
"But I use my left hand to handle the mouse, even though I'm "normally" right ha
nded, so my hands kollide"

Husse Mar 25 2007

You will be run over by a beer truck.
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
"But I think a possible explanation could be that the sound card is still sleepi
ng..."
Husse Sept 12 2007
"What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What
is it?" He picked up the box and studied the back. "A glow-in-the-dark
squid! Have you got it out of there yet?" He tilted the box, angling the
little colored balls of cereal so as to see the bottom, and nearly spilling
them onto the table top. "Here it is!" He hauled out a little cream-colored,
glitter-sprinkled squid, three-inches long and made out of rubbery plastic.
-- James P. Blaylock, "The Last Coin"
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
There is a fly on your nose.
"It seems to be not only in Vista creative is "a bit" problematic"
Husse Jul 10 2007
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
original and the part that is original is not good.
-- Samuel Johnson
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and
enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to
lend money.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
"I have a vague memory of a solution for you - just have to find it first"
Husse Oct 10 2007
"I definitely don't think you are imagining things"
Husse Sept 24 2007
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Never laugh at live dragons.
-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]
question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
-- Wm. Shakespeare
You teach best what you most need to learn.
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
"Please give a moments thought to what you do!"
Husse Aug 3 2007
You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.
Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Q:
What do you call the money you pay to the government when
you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A:
A howdah duty.
"The commands you saw in the post I split this from are not supposed to be used,
unless you really want to get into trouble"
Husse Jul 5 2007
Q:
Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
A:
Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
visiting, they always take three.
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is

weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Q:
What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:
You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Q:
Why do WASPs play golf ?
A:
So they can dress like pimps.
Be careful! Is it classified?
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
Q:
What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A:
Chewing gum.
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
-- Shakespeare
"This is really interesting if you are a nerd like me...."
Husse Jul 4 2007
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more
deadly in the long run.
-- Mark Twain
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-- Mark Twain
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
"The vesa driver always (almost) works, but does not give nice video - rather ho
rrible"
Husse Jul 29 2007
"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The
absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me
Deadpan Allie and lie.
-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
Q:
How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:
Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
Q:
A:

How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?

There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:
A:

How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?

There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:
A:

How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?

The door won't shut.

Q:
How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:
There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
So this is it. We're going to die.
You will be divorced within a year.
"If you still do not find it it's not there"
Husse Oct 18 2007
I got a hint of things to come when I overheard my boss lamenting, 'The
books are done and we still don't have an author! I must sign someone
today!
-- Tamim Ansary, "Edutopia Magazine, Issue 2, November 2004"
on the topic of school textbooks
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and
enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to
lend money.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
Q:
How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
I'll have to get back to you on that.
"No - I definitely do not try to start a war"
Husse Jul 29 2007
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
"Clueless
I'll have to read this again"
Husse Oct 22 2007
Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
"And vesa is at best "not terrible"
Husse Apr 5 2007
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
-- Mark Twain
You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
Q:
What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:
A dope ring.
Q:
A:
Q:
A:

Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?

To cover up the valve stem.
What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
are removable!
Q:
A:
Q:
A:

An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his

very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
Yes, up to isomorphism!

What is a compact city?

It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
policemen!
-- Peter Lax
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.

Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
Q:
Why do WASPs play golf ?
A:
So they can dress like pimps.
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
-- by Charles Dickens
A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
-- by Franz Kafka
A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
-- by J. R. R. Tolkien
Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
Hamlet LITE(tm)
-- by Wm. Shakespeare
A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with
commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God
over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the
angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because
she repented.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
You will forget that you ever knew me.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
-- Mark Twain
"Oh dear
That's not a happy xorg.conf"
Husse Nov 22 2007
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
Q:
How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break
the bulb in the first place.
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.
Q:
What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A:
The same middle name.
Q:
How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:
Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
Q:

How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?

A:

There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:
A:

How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?

There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:
A:

How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?

The door won't shut.

Q:
How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:
There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
You will gain money by a fattening action.
If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
"You have waited a bit too long for an answer, here it is in the middle of big h
olidays - haven't done anything with my computer other than reading the newspape
rs for a couple of days."
Husse Jun 23 2007
"That is the magic sudo command. So put sudo in front of the command and it'll w
ork."
Husse Jul 20 2007
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard
this message.
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
"I'm having similar problems and is looking for a solution. I'll be posting some
thing shortly, most likely a cry for help (for both of us) rather than a solutio
n"
Husse Apr 1 2007
There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
It is so very hard to be an
on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you
grown-up.
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
-- Mark Twain
Q:
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the
experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
Q:
A:

How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all
those Californians trying to share the experience.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm
as intelligent as ever.
-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
Q:
What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A:
A corpse.
Q:
What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:
In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd

like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
"and some cigarettes."
Q:
How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
One and a half.
Q:
How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:
Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
Chess tonight.
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
"Sorry - I can't know what you know"
Husse Sept 7 2007
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
-- John Milton
I got a hint of things to come when I overheard my boss lamenting, 'The
books are done and we still don't have an author! I must sign someone
today!
-- Tamim Ansary, "Edutopia Magazine, Issue 2, November 2004"
on the topic of school textbooks
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
-- Mark Twain
"This is really interesting if you are a nerd like me...."
Husse Jul 4 2007
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
"This is really interesting if you are a nerd like me...."
Husse Jul 4 2007
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.
"Language problems does not make things easier. Please read the answers you get
and please write as clearly as you can - I can't guess what you mean - no one ca
n."
Husse Jul 11 2007
"Be very careful with what you do with IP-tables - it's extremely hard to get ri
ght - I've tried to set rules in a router with IP-tables - small wonder the thin
g did not fly out of the window"
Jul 7 2007
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
"computers are really hard to understand - one user has no problems and another
all the problems in the world with the same hardware...."
Husse Jun 20 2007
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
-- Shakespeare
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with
commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God
over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the
angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because
she repented.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
"Good afternoon, madam. How may I help you?"
"Good afternoon. I'd like a FrintArms HandCannon, please."
"A--? Oh, now, that's an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady. I
mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I
say they have a right to. But I think... I might... Let's have a look
down here. I might have just the thing for you. Yes, here we are!
Look at that, isn't it neat? Now that is a FrintArms product as well,
but it's what's called a laser -- a light-pistol some people call
them. Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won't
spoil the line of a jacket; and you won't feel you're lugging half a
tonne of iron around with you. We do a range of matching accessories,
including -- if I may say so -- a rather saucy garter holster. Wish I
got to do the fitting for that! Ha -- just my little joke. And
there's *even*... here we are -- this special presentation pack: gun,
charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster
with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your
next battery. Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free
lessons at your local gun club or range. Or there's the *special*
presentation pack; it has all the other one's got but with *two*
charged batteries and a night-sight, too. Here, feel that -- don't
worry, it's a dummy battery -- isn't it neat? Feel how light it is?
Smooth, see? No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, *and*
beautifully balanced. And of course the beauty of a laser is, there's
no recoil. Because it's shooting light, you see? Beautiful gun,
beautiful gun; my wife has one. Really. That's not a line, she
really has. Now, I can do you that one -- with a battery and a free
charge -- for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special
offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for
one-forty-nine."
"I'll take the special."
"Sound choice, madam, *sound* choice. Now, do--?"
"And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three
six-five AP/wire-fl'echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a
Special Projectile Pack if you have one -- the one with the embedding
rounds, not the signalers. I assume the night-sight on this toy is
compatible?"
"Aah... yes, And how does madam wish to pay?"
She slapped her credit card on the counter. "Eventually."
-- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"
"The commands you saw in the post I split this from are not supposed to be used,
unless you really want to get into trouble"

Husse Jul 5 2007

Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
You are standing on my toes.
"Everything working?
That's a relief"
Husse May 24 2007
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
Q:
What do you call the money you pay to the government when
you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A:
A howdah duty.
Q:
How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
"If someone was offended by a comment that the situation is absurd (when it is)
.....
Well well..."
Husse Jul 5 2007
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
-- Ernest Hemingway
Q:
What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A:
The same middle name.
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
Oh, and have a nice day!
-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
"Why make it simple when it is possible to make it complicated"
Husse March 2 2007
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.
"Sorry - I can't know what you know"
Husse Sept 7 2007
"You have been without answer too long now. Unfortunately I don't know the answe
r, but I believe the short answer is NO"
Husse Jun 8 2007
Q:
What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
A:
Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
Condense soup, not books!
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Do not overtax your powers.
It's all in the mind, ya know.
Q:
What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:
A doberman.
Q:
Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:
One per person.

Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.

"Yes there is a lot of people doing a great job out there."
Husse Jul 15 2007
"No - we don't mind if you use other distros"
Husse Jul 25 2007
If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
-- Mark Twain
"Good luck!
Sometimes PCLOS win sometimes we do"
Husse Jul 6 2007
Q:
How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
One and a half.
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Condense soup, not books!
Q:
What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:
In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
"and some cigarettes."
Never laugh at live dragons.
-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
Cold hands, no gloves.
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
Q:
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
on the credulity of human nature.
Q:
What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A:
A corpse.
The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
Your step will soil many countries.
Q:
What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A:
Diyathinkhesaurus.
Q:
What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
A:
Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
"Now, I did not want to be rude to anyone, but when the solution would be found
if you still could use the "I am lucky" option in Google....."
Husse Apr 7 2007
You will wish you hadn't.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.

Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
Q:
Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A:
To get to the other slide.
"Are we to discuss philosophy?
I think we could easily get into an endless debate"
Husse Sept 28 2007
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
original and the part that is original is not good.
-- Samuel Johnson
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we
are not the person involved.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
-- Mark Twain
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
"The vesa driver always (almost) works, but does not give nice video - rather ho
rrible"
Husse Jul 29 2007
You will soon forget this.
"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.
-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
What happened last night can happen again.
You're at the end of the road again.
You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.
"Poking around in my system brings surprises and experience"
Husse Mar 5 2007
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
Slow day. Practice crawling.
"I'm sorry but I don't have a clue....."
Husse Jun23 2007
Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more
deadly in the long run.
-- Mark Twain
I dote on his very absence.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
"I don't think you have to go through the process of reconfiguring X as I did that was partly because the frustration made me brain dead."

Husse Apr 5 2007

"Clueless
I'll have to read this again"
Husse Oct 22 2007
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.
Q:
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A:
"The elephants are coming over the hill."
Q:

What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
sunglasses?
A:
Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
Someone is speaking well of you.
The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
"If you still have a problem I have to think hard - no good for the brain"
Husse May 14 2007
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
Q:
How does a hacker fix a function which
doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A:
He changes the domain.
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
feel interested.
"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
Aged Man.'"
"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
Alice corrected herself.
"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
time completely bewildered.
"I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
put him at the head of the procession.

-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Mark Twain
You are going to have a new love affair.
"I'm curious - what do you do with your computer to get mintMenu eat hundreds of
MB - I don't think I've ever been above around 300 MB total"
Husse Oct 2 2007
How apt the poor are to be proud.
-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
Q:
What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A:
The Titanic had a band.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
"Good luck!
Sometimes PCLOS win sometimes we do"
Husse Jul 6 2007
Q:
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
-- Shakespeare
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
"This is a situation where you can't be sure what's doing what...."
Husse Aug 31 2007
October 12, the Discovery.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss
it.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway.
Q:
"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
existentialist?"
A:
"Is there a dog?"
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we
are not the person involved.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
My dear People.
My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,
and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers,
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good
Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End. Today is my
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
"One of the few drawbacks with FF I know of is that it is a bit hungry for memor
y, and when it's eaten enough it gets indigestion....."
Husse Oct 13
Q:
What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A:
Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
Q:
Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A:
To stamp out forest fires.

Q:
Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A:
To stamp out flaming ducks.
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
-- Mark Twain
Q:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:
To see his friend Gregory peck.
Q:
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A:
To get to the other slide.
Your lucky color has faded.
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
Is this really happening?
Q:
Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:
One per person.
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
"Good luck!
Sometimes PCLOS win sometimes we do"
Husse Jul 6 2007
"Unfortunately suspend does mean things sometimes"
Husse Apr 25 2007
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
be better."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
"And no - computers is no exact science"
Husse Nov 14 2007
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
-- Shakespeare
You will never know hunger.
Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Today is what happened to yesterday.
You are the only person to ever get this message.
He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
-- Lewis Carroll
"It is complicated - believe me"
Husse Jul 24 2007

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.

Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
-- Mark Twain
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
Condense soup, not books!
Q:
Are we not men?
A:
We are Vaxen.
So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
out at the heels of their boots.
-- Samuel Foote
You enjoy the company of other people.
"computers are really hard to understand - one user has no problems and another
all the problems in the world with the same hardware...."
Husse Jun 20 2007
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
-- Shakespeare
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-- Mark Twain
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
-- John Keats
"Are we to discuss philosophy?
I think we could easily get into an endless debate"
Husse Sept 28 2007
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
Q:
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A:
To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.
"I'm afraid we are at a loss here - apart from the tip above to edit xorg.conf I
don't have a clue"
Husse Jun 21 2007
"I have a vague memory of a solution for you - just have to find it first"
Husse Oct 10 2007